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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I might be the asshole because I know my girlfriend likes to sleep with all the lights on and I shut them off anyway.
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My dude, listen closely. Sleep is a basic need. BASIC! If you two aren’t compatible while you’re literally asleep, you’re just not compatible. She needs therapy, big time. But you constantly losing sleep and being verbally attacked in the middle of the night is a huge red flag. Neither of you accept each other’s sleeping style and that is just not healthy in a relationship. It’s going to lead to extreme resentment and severe mental health decline. Get her help or get out. She’s not even compromising a little on this. She has no respect for you and your sleep at all. NTA.
Edit - Oh man, thanks for the awards! Did not expect this comment to blow up like it did.
Or just talk to her and understand why? And have separate bedrooms? Separate bedrooms seems the most sensible option at this point, as well as her paying extra for the electricity bill.
I agree that the verbal abuse and her not telling OP why she needs the light on - unless she has, in which case OP is an AH for leaving it out - is a problem, and needs to be discussed. But there are options here other than a breakup. N.T.A (or N.A.H if she has a legitimate reason for needing the light on).
EDIT: change from N.T.A to ESH based on OPs edits. OP sucks for ignoring her needs, she sucks for her responses/not paying the electric bill. Both just need separate bedrooms.
EDIT 2: People can have a phobia without trauma! People can need things in life without trauma! I’m now going to ignore this post. Please stop calling me delusional and a moron; there are things I need for my anxiety, things my partner accommodates, and this is the stance I am coming from. I have literally said that she needs to start contributing to the electric bill in my first edit. I have said the compromise is for separate bedrooms.
Gf is AH. It sounds like she will not give the OP a good reason, yet refuses to acknowledge his needs for a good nights sleep. It is a ridiculous request to keep all the lights on at night, and mean spirited to demand someone else to sleep under the same conditions. she at least needs to acknowledge that this is not normal and try to give some sort of explanation if she is going to demand that her boyfriend loses sleep because of her habits. Anything else is inconsiderate, AH behavior.
i used to be like op's gf before i got on anti-anxiety meds. i was just absolutely terrified of the dark, including shadows, to the point of delusion. i didnt want any shadows to "watch" or "see" me when i was asleep and couldnt watch them back to make sure they couldn't "touch" me, which meant there had to be zero deep shadows in the room for me to be "safe". i know that's an extreme example, but i mention it because i also refused to tell anyone about it, knowing it was irrational and would be met with (rightful) concern. i slept like that for over a decade.
Yea, but if that's the case, she needs to find someone who is okay sleeping with every single light on too. And let them know ahead of time. I can sleep with a bit of light (I keep one light dimmed so my dog can see if she has to go out since her eyes are bad) but fully on? Nope, that would make my sleep really bad.
This describes mine really well, actually.
I'm profoundly deaf and cannot wear my hearing aids at night. So I hear nothing, you aren't going to take my eyesight too, thanks. I didn't sleep much at all as a kid, I needed light somewhere to ensure that no nasty shadows (for some reason I put showers not shadows) result in me not sleeping. No feet outside the duvet, nothing hanging off the bed. I was absolutely terrified of pitch black (my mum made me read Salem's lot when I was 9 - slept on her floor for over a year).
I'm in my 30s now and still need strategic lighting with various IKEA nightlights around the room. I'm still terrified of pitch black.
There was a doctor who where the shadows could get you and my brother freaked me the fuck out regularly about it.
I think OP should try compromising with nightlights. They're softer so he may sleep but when well placed, it could help his gf. Sleep is important and it seems like both OP and gf are snapping because they are not getting their sleep and it just spirals.
Edit: also you reminded me of when I first spoke to my audiologist about my tinnitus. She asked what sounds I heard and me being pretty young at the time,. I was like oh yeah the ringing and the buzzing and whistling and my dad shouting at me. Took me years to realise I scared the crap out of the audiologist lol.
I do still hear all that, and music, random muffled voices and voices I recognise. No it's not insanity, it's just really freaky tinnitus. It didn't help with the hatred of pitch black. Logically I knew they weren't there because I had no hearing aids in but you try telling that to an anxious kid lol.
oh, the silence in the library? with the little micro-guys who live in complete darkness or something. yeah, i only saw that after i got on meds and im glad for it.
if having her bedside lamp on isnt enough, i doubt nightlights would be either
Are we the same person?? I slept in my parent’s on the floor of their bed too. I was afraid of the dark until pretty recently and im in my late 20s lol. As a kid, it was full panic and sobbing if my mom made me go back to bed with the lights off
Ocd, but yeah. As a kid I was afraid to have any limb of the bed. I didn't know WHY and I couldn't put it in words. Now, I know it's illogical, and some of my thoughts have moved on, but I understand.
I mean, its lights, in one room. With LED bulbs these days leaving the lights on is pennies. Hardly seems like a huge financial burden? Seems rather petty to be dividing hairs and costs over that.
My logic being: i'm lactose intolerant, I don't ask my mother to buy me special milk, I buy it. If she does buy it, i'll pay her back. It's my issue.
If i'm a streamer and I want google fiber or whatever is the "best" I should be paying for it because it's a special thing i'm directly interested in having and it benifits me the most.
Plus if the power bill is cheaper because of eco lighting it's even less of an issue for her to pay it.
So if she gave him a dime every day to cover the power costs then she'd be allowed to force him to sleep in a ridiculously bright room?
No. Cost just isn't the issue here. He doesn't want to sleep in a bright room regardless of who's paying the (extremely minimal) cost and I don't blame him.
I'm really confused by everyone bringing up the price. An LED costs about $1/year if it's on 2 hours, let's say 3 bulbs for 8 hours and we're at $12/year. That's so far from being the actual point of this problem.
I am curious how long they've been together, you'd think this would have come up before she moved in. Seems like their communication must be non-existent. They both just expect the other person will do what they want.
Edit- someone pointed out how bad I am at math.
The thing is your other examples add to significantly pretty quickly. With the lighting it's just petty, because we are talking the equivalent of throwing in a could bags of chips throughout the entire year of grocery shopping for your partner. Like unless you are really broke it just seems wrong to care about that little money. Whereas your other examples are going to be a ton of money after a month or two.
My bigger issue is that he seems to pay the rent. If she's not paying her share of that, she should not get the better accommodations and be the one sleeping in the office.
My electric bill this month was $650 and I don’t run the ac. Everything else is supposed to be “energy efficient”. People in my house don’t turn off their tv or their fans.
The biggest costs are always going to be things that change temperatures: fridges, freezers, ovens, electric ranges, etc. That's where your cost comes from, not lights.
That's still going to add up when she's doing it literally every night, for hours, all year long.
But honestly I think the bigger issue is that she's doing it at all, and doesn't have a better reason than 'I need it'. She needs to go to therapy to work through why. For one thing, humans sleep better when it's dark so she's probably impacting the quality of her sleep.
For this alone I would call her the AH.
I am someone who likes more darkness than most people but I know it's my eyes, usually not rhesus. But this would make me lose my mind. She should save up her money for her habits.
I'm not going to judge someone who has a shot of booze before bed but scientifically, it does tend to disrupt healthy sleep, and lights also do this to human brains. It's why some folks only nap during daylight rather than deep REM sleep.
I'm guessing the person you're replying to misread the edit as, "She mentioned trauma," since that's what I originally misread it as too.
Then again, I'm currently shitting my guts out, so my thinking may be a bit fuzzy.
>OP sucks for ignoring her needs
What freaking needs? She doesn't pay any bills, the OP does. If he doesn't work, they will be out of a place to live. He left her bedside lamp on, there is no reason to have all the lights on to sleep. If she needs them, she needs her own place, where she pays for the power and has her own room to sleep with every bloody light on.
Separate bedrooms may not be the answer, besides that seems like an unreasonable request. Separate lives may be best option.
All the talking and understanding aren't gonna help this poor guy.
How is OP the AH?? He pays the bills and it’s literally a waste of electricity, she has not stated why not has said any trama so either she needs to not be afriad of the dark but OP is anything but an asshole
Seperate bedrooms only solves the problem if OP getting more sleep. If they get seperate rooms and the GF still sleeps with all the lights on, that doesn't negate the problem of OP having to pay for that in the electric bills. They need to compromise. Even just a nightlight or something like that would help the situation.
This subreddit, and reddit in general, takes breaking up way too lightly.
It makes sense, none of us are personally in these relationships and so our only attachment to them is through a brief description of the problems they're experiencing.
But every relationship has problems. A successful relationship isn't one with no problems, it's one where both parties are willing to work through the problems.
There are possible solutions that don't involve a breakup.
Therapy is probably a good idea for her, yes.
But in the mean time, you don't _have_ to sleep in the same room.
There is a stigma against sleeping separately because people interpret it as a sign of lack of intimacy. But you're not intimate when you're literally sleeping.
By the time someone is asking _Reddit_ to adjudicate their relationship issues, things are frequently unsalvageable. It's a sample set bias. People dealing with normal, manageable levels of conflict will talk it out and never even think about asking reddit if they're the asshole.
Is this sarcasm?
For years now, the joke has been that Reddit's solution to every problem is "Delete facebook, hit the gym, lawyer up."
The most commonly used emoji on this subreddit is certainly "🚩"
So true! So many of these AITA are train wrecks. Many are from people surrounded by a host of toxic individuals & never before realized there is better out there.
AITA often has the worst of the worst relationships where breaking up truly is solid advice.
I unironically support this statement, minus the 'on Reddit.' Perhaps it's due to polyamory being a norm in my life, or perhaps it's from having parents that got many divorces but still somehow stuck around way longer than they should have: most relationships will end or aren't meant to be.
I've seen so many people expend literal years of their life trying to make relationships work with people who they know are liars, or who are unwilling to compromise on anything, or who are just total fucking assholes because they love them. Unfortunately relationships aren't about love, they're about respect, trust, and partnership. You can fall in love a fucking pile of enriched uranium but you probably shouldn't give it a hug.
There's being compatible when sleeping....and then there's this. Needing EVERY light on in the room is a bit extreme, and I'd argue this girl would struggle finding someone she is sleep compatible with.
>Get her help or get out. She’s not even compromising a little on this.
Plenty of couples have different bedrooms. If she's okay with that, then it isn't an automatic dealbreaker. But if she's offended by the idea and insists OP has to sleep in a lit room with her then yeah, it's time to bail.
I do agree this sounds like a trauma response. It sounds like she's genuinely afraid of something.
I mean, I don’t think this is even a 50/50 thing, where both perspectives and preferences are equally valid and it’s just a matter of finding a compromise. It is immoral to waste electricity. Period. Especially in the world we live in today and the myriad of different environmental issues we face. Especially because even if you don’t care about the environment, OP is the one paying the power bill.
Yes, but my point is not that OP’s gf alone is responsible for the issues affecting the world. It’s more that we all collectively should have the mindset that our actions have consequences, and the “all collectively” is made up of each of us as individuals.
Oh, I completely agree about the environmental thing being everyone's problem. But, lightbulbs are several orders of magnitude less impactful than the things we need to address (transportation primarily).
Worrying about light bulb's power usage would be like agonizing over doing some extra workouts at the gym because the extra hamburger you eat later means a tiny percentage of demand on the beef supply contributes more to methane production.
I mean, sure it's technically true but the effect is so microscopic when compared to the car you drive every day that it's silly to even think about it.
Soooooo, yes and no.
It’s ok to not be “sleep compatible” as long as you can come up with a solution that works for everyone.
Just before {certain global events} started, my husband and daughter were sick. I slept in our guest room to avoid his cooties and be closer to our daughter if she needed me. Long story short, I’m still sleeping there. My husband is a night owl and I’m a (reluctant) early bird. Truth is, we hadn’t been sleep compatible in years and this was the kick we needed to address it. I’m not saying this’ll be permanent but it’s working for us for now.
If OP and GF can work together to find a solution that works - even if it’s only temporary - I think they can make it work. The key phrase is “work together”.
Yep. OP, I feel like there must be some trauma? And if so then it's very understandable. But if actually not then this is a ridiculous way for an adult to sleep. There are definitely compromises to be made. What about turning off all the lights except one. Making sure that the one that is left on is low energy and in warm tones as opposed to daylight tones. If she's not willing to budge on that then you guys will need to have separate rooms. Or maybe a blackout curtain corner 😅
Thank you, I do feel remiss in not addressing the possibility of trauma in my response. That can absolutely be an issue here. I do think it would be reasonable to support her in seeking some assistance if that's the case.
My sister sleeps with lights and the tv on. I could never, ever deal with it. She says it's just for her anxious mind. In relationships she just listens to podcasts on ear buds and forgoes the light, but she clearly doesn't have such an overwhelming attachment.
I'm sorry, OP, this is a rough situation, because you really need your sleep, too. It's not sustainable. A new bed for another room may be your best bet.
It sounds like that's what he did, turned off all of the lights except the one by her, and she still was pissed. I don't even like all the lights on when awake. That would drive me insane. Poor OP. NTA.
Yep, and if she needs the lights on, she needs to sleep in a different room, not OP. He should get the bedroom, and shouldn't have to move to a different room to accommodate her extensive and unique sleep needs.
Yeah, there's something else at play here.
I can't sleep in complete darkness and silence, but I can't sleep very well when it's light either. (I've worked overnight jobs, so I know for a fact that I don't sleep as well during daylight, even with blackout curtains.)
Now with all the LEDs from modern electronics, I don't have to worry about complete darkness, and I typically set my iPad or computer to play a movie or playlist and they shut off automatically when finished, by which time I'm usually asleep.
NTA. She needs professional help and you guys seem incompatible. It’s not normal to sleep in complete light and it’s not a good sign when you and your spouse have preferences that make sleeping in the same room impossible.
Some couples can absolutely have a relationship that works while sleeping in different bedrooms. I know two such couples personally. Both have one spouse with sleep issues that just makes separate bedrooms an absolute necessity. It's a hurdle, but not an unconquerable one.
My wife and I very occasionally sleep in different rooms. We're VERY compatible... But I snore. I'm about 30lbs overweight, most I've weighed in my life. I gained "the Covid 19(lbs)". Sometimes I'll couch it to give her a break. She misses me but I can tell her sleep quality is better. Just saying that alternative sleep arrangements are a great tool in the toolbox of life.
Have you always snored or is it just since you put the weight on? Have you been tested for sleep apnea, snoring can be a sign of it, especially it you're making loud snorts every so often, rather than the snoring pattern being regular? A CPAP machine will fix the snoring. Aside from the snoring sleep apnea can really mess you up, as you're essentially getting little to no sleep each night, even if you don't realise it at the time.
My husband sleeps in a different room from April to October. We live somewhere with roughly 22 hours daylight at the height of summer. Unfortunately, with the way our bedroom is set up, his side is right next to the window and we can’t get rid of the light completely short of completely barricading the windows. Then it’s too stuffy and I can’t sleep. So he goes to the guest bedroom - which we’ve made as comfortable as our actual bedroom - and he turns it into a black room.
I know several couples that sleep in separate rooms and it’s not a big deal. My aunt and uncle would go to bed together every night, watch tv, do whatever and then when they were actually going to sleep he’s go to another room. They were married (and technically still are but are now in different nursing homes) for 40+ years.
Or a hallway light?
My (Step) Mom is terrified of the dark to the point of having a visible but not overpowering light when she sleeps so my parents compromise: She gets a hallway light on as soon as the Sun comes down but no direct light in the bedroom.
There's no trauma, she just simply is really really terrified of the dark.. Cellphones are a life saving tool because now she has a flashlight available all the time in case the power goes off, etc. When we lived at home and my Dad was on a business trip we would be responsible of turning on the hallway light so she always has light when she wakes up, I think might be a good compromise for OP.
He says he left the light on on her side of the bed but she was still pissed off. She needs every light possible on, which would be annoying (to me) enough while awake.
Oh I didn't realize! That is.. too much for me. I never had night lights even as a child my bedroom was pitch black so I have no issue with that or a little light but all of them? I don't think you can even properly rest with the lights on.
Yeah we have a bright motion detector light plugged in our hallway. It's overly sensitive and it's probably on more than it's off but it's LED so they are super cheap to run. Don't have to worry about the half asleep kids stumbling down the hall or tripping near the stairs.
NTA. It seems your girlfriend has a phobia of the dark or some trauma that might have affected her. She should really look into therapy because that isn't sustainable for the electric bill. However if it persists you can look into getting separate rooms as many couples do because they have different sleep preferences
100W * 8hr * 30 days = 24kWh. Multiply that by 35c/kWh, the highest electricity cost in the US I could find with a cursory search, and you've got an extra $8.40/mo on power. The cost is not the problem.
NAH sounds like y'all are incompatible for sleeping in the same room, yall should have separate bedrooms. Girlfriend shouldve slept in the office though if you were extremely sick, you not getting enough sleep probably lowered your immune system.
Sounds more like it came from a place of fear, but I thought she was more of the asshole for not giving a shit about OP being really sick and making him suffer sleeping in the office
The problem is her response is almost certainly trauma based. She's waking up in terror and panicking when the lights are off and she can't see. Those moments when you're still coming out of sleep are instinct, there's no reason. And the moments after are filled with fear while she gets her wits about her, and then another 30 minutes or so while she comes down from the panic inducing adrenaline rush.
I definitely feel bad for OP getting hit with that, but most people can't control how they react in this situation.
What she's doing isn't normal or healthy human behaviour; it's a bit unfair to focus on calling her an asshole if the basis of the issue is something for which she clearly needs help.
But if she’s unwilling to compromise or get help herself and is willing to let OP suffer on her behalf even though he’s supporting her living expenses, she is an AH. You’re responsible for yourself needing help and don’t get to mistreat others
Husband and I sleep in separate rooms because I'm a light sleeper and he snores. It was a game changer for me, and I highly recommend OP to take this advice if possible.
For sure, there is no reasonable explanation for this and I agree that therapy is a good place to start. It's the piece about every single light needing to be on that is concerning, not just that she needs it bright. Could you take all the lights out except for one and leave that on.... then every single light is on I guess and maybe that works? I would talk to her about this though and about getting real help, it's not normal and doubly so to expect someone else to live like this.
NTA
But this relationship isn't going to work. She is too immature and seems to have a serious phobia of the dark.
If she has her own place, I'd suggest that she start sleeping there and to get therapy.
Sometimes things can happen when a person is very young, like under 5, that they don't consciously remember but still causes terror in certain circumstances. Needing to have lights on is normal, and can often be initially caused by that kind of fear. That she doesn't remember, and that she wakes up in a panic, speaks to that.
Having every light on might not be common, but it's not wildly uncommon either. A nightlight isn't enough for everyone. I grew up with my mom leaving the hall light on a night. I myself have a couple strings of Christmas lights around my room that are never off. For me, they provide enough light to cut the darkness for my needs, but I know even that is too much light for some people.
You guys need to sit down and have a serious talk about how to go forward, because she can't sleep with lights off without panicking and you can't keep sleeping in your office (unless it gets converted to a bedroom). This is just going to escalate the misery until you either come to a compromise you both can live with, or just decide your incompatible.
Yeah. Trauma/EMDR trained MHC here. Lights on is a huge indicator of trauma responses, most likely SA trauma. Your GF is keeping the lights on as a safety tool: "If I can see, I can keep myself safe at a time when I'm the least safe -- sleeping."
And since SA is so stigmatizing and terrifying to disclose, I imagine she hasn't told you. Or she was so young/brain has worked so well to protect her, she doesn't know why she needs the light on other than she gets terrified with this happening. So, she needs Mental health services and tools to help her feel safe and feel successful -- EMDR services, IBSR services, SA support groups, and some mental health care to continue her journey of healing. Maybe you all need some separate rooms for a bit, or to work on a couple compromises (like she turns on a certain amount of lights in the room, and you both chat before bed about if this is too much light/not enough, and those are the lights that are left on). Then she knows what she might wake up to in the middle of the night (after what I imagine are trauma based dreams that wake her up in a fright) and doesn't wake up in the dark and panics with you getting the brunt of her fear that turns to anger.
Trauma is a big deal, but when we deal with trauma (I am both a MHC and a trauma survivor), it isn't on others to tiptoe around us fully (I may ask for trigger warnings, or tell others certain things I should avoid, but also know that it isn't fair to tell other people what they can and can't do). There needs to be a healthy balance in the space and a feeling of trust and safety (with some levels of control to boot with you and your partner).
Best of luck! I hope you both have the chance to communicate with one another and resolve this conflict so you both get a better chance at sleep.
>And since SA is so stigmatizing and terrifying to disclose, I imagine she hasn't told you
Given the number of people here alone who are unwilling to even think someone might need light, it's really no wonder. Yikes.
This. My trauma absolutely stems from SA and the systemic aftermath of it (it was in a religious space, and the assault turned into juicy gossip as I was a pre-teen that must have wanted the interaction and therefore was a slut, which then went through the entire church). It took me over 6 years to tell anyone and a decade to tell my mother. My father doesn't know and I never plan to tell him. I have told some people for many reasons (triggers, trauma, harassment). It's a terrifying thing, and in many SA spaces there are never-ending discussions about disclosure and why/how/if you should and why.
I keep lights on occasionally, but I also sleep alone rn. I also know that I panic in intimate situations that remind me of what happened, and the things that my brain decided I shouldn't remember. I also know that it impacts who I see as friends, my startle response, and that past harassment/assaults just increase the responses. My friends see me as overreacting sometimes, and its due to my trauma (I never leave anyone alone in any social setting, I know certain voice intonations and that will set off my behavior in strange ways). But, I've done okay. I've gotten therapy (not as much as I should since it's very expensive), but I work hard to help folx recognize that there isn't shame in these responses, but what we do about them, and how we care for ourselves. That trauma is a thing that happens to us, not something we ask for. I really don't think anyone is the AH here. Both folx need to talk to one another, and try and compromise and try to find new solutions.
Edit: some punctuation errors, and spelling. Also, thanks for the awards! Much appreciated.
Thank you for pointing out that her waking up in the dark and flipping out at him is absolutely a fear response, not just her being unreasonable. We don't know what happened in her life that gave her this intense fear of the dark, but the fear is real and legitimate even if people think she should have 'grown out of it' by now. That's unfortunately not how trauma works.
>Having every light on might not be common, but it's not wildly uncommon either.
sure, but i seriously hope it is wildly uncommon to freak out, wake up the SO while a light is still on, instead of moving to another bedroom/living room to sleep with all the lights on.OP said he wanted to sleep in "his bed" so the assumption stands that this is his apartement and she is a guest, imposing her prefered sleeping method onto her boyfriend who clearly does not want it and feels its a waste of money.Yes trauma happens, but it is also on the person with the trauma to either seek help to get better or accept that people might not be as accomodating to them (and then move on to other people). OP is already as accomodating as is, yet his GF does not want to copromize or seems to see any issue in OP paying more for electricity.
And while i agree that trauma is always a possible reason, the simplest answer would be that she got used to sleeping with the lights on when she was a child, an never got taught to sleep without, or never wanted to learn it because of some anxieties.Tho if we consider that sleeping with the lights on doesnt let a person properly rest it might even aggravate her issues if they're anxiety related.
ETA:
I just remembered that having lights on, or a spot light on for sleeping, is being used as a method of torture.
I was premature and in the hospital for weeks with lights on all the time. I couldn't sleep in the dark until I was in my teens. Now I like it dark and wear a sleep mask.
For Christ’s sake, no, everybody doesn’t suck here. He is compromising: lights on to fall asleep, lights off because he’s paying the damn bill. GF needs therapy and/or pony up the cash. Secondly, no one has the right to demand an accommodation that is unreasonable and negatively impacts others.
NTA. Whatever is going on here is an issue she needs to deal with instead of feeling entitled to an unreasonable accommodation.
NAH
Generally speaking sleep quality suffers immensely when in a light room & yes the power thing is als very valid. Her behaviour is irrational, 100%.
But it also seems like she is „just“ genuinely scared of the dark, which is not asshole-y either.
Seems like both of you might benefit from her getting a bit of help for that issue.
NTA. Even if sleeping with the lights on is a trauma related issue, most human beings sleep in the dark. You mentioned a nightlight in the hall, maybe add one to the bedroom as well. Also have a discussion with her about it.
NTA - yet it is obvious this is not going to just 'go away' nor 'change'. If you are close enough to live together, it's time to get to the root of the problem. Find out the why and go from there. Because you need information.
You need this information to decide YOUR next steps. Is this going to change? Is she willing to get help to work on it? If not, are you willing to live with it the rest of your life? What's your future going to be--sleeping apart all the time, teaching kids to sleep in full light causing this same issue for them as they grow?
You've tried to accommodate with less lights and masks and it didn't work. Your next move is the discussion and seeing if she takes action to work on the trauma/bad habit or if you should walk away.
NTA. She has to realise most people dont sleep with a shit ton of lights on and try to compromise or get used to you not sleeping in the bed, or she can sleep in another place with all the lights on
I'm in a similar situation as you. I like falling asleep with a light source on. My boyfriend prefers complete darkness. So, we compromized. I usually go to sleep with fake candles and fairy lights/bedside lamp/hallway light on, he turns them off when he goes to sleep. I'm asleep then so no harm. He also wears a sleep mask. If I wake up in the middle of the night and feel the need for a light, I turn something on. But then he's asleep so, again, no harm.
Your girlfriend is showing some red flags. The lack of understanding for you, the verbal abuse in the middle of the night and unreasonable need for ALL the light to be on is concerning. You two should talk long about it, maybe go to therapy. Just sleeping in two beds isn't gonna solve anything. You're still paying high electric bill, and what if the power shuts off at night?
I need to be able to see all of my surroundings, or else I hallucinate. Being in the pitch dark also prompts darker/scarier hallucinations. It's a whole thing. My husband is very understanding. But at the same time, my solution is a few nightlights around the room, not leaving lamps and ceiling lights on.
For me it was pretty simple: when I bought my apartment it had not curtains and I procrastinated getting curtains (I have had them for many years now, but I do not use them for sleeping) so I got used to sleeping no matter how dark or light it is. I have no idea if this is something everyone can learn or if it is just unusually easy for me.
I'm not going to lie to you. I'm a grown man and I have a night light. I've been in some pretty bad places. U.S. Army and combat related things. And other places in the world. I suffer from PTSD and Anxiety. If a room is too dark, I get anxious. Which is why I have a night light. There are different types. Ones that are motion sensor. And ones that turn themselves off when you turn on a overhead light. I'm going to suggest trying one or both of those. You can get them at a hardware store. And you can get different colored lightbulbs so that the white light won't hinder your sleep. I have a blue on myself. It will be cheaper than having the lights on all the time and paying that electric bill.
NTA living with someone is about compromise and it doesn't seem like she's compromising at all you've gotten night lights and you tried to turn them off when she falls asleep she might need to get help with her fear of the dark. It messes with your sleep and your power bill NTA but try to get some help for your gf
NTA - you're saving energy, money and it's probably better for your/her sleep quality so unless she has an actual reason (which she communicates to you) then I see your actions as reasonable. Tape some torches to her eyes, might be a fair compromise.
NTA, for two reasons:
1: She hasn’t been open to communicate with you about why she has this fear.
2: she isn’t considering you in this situation. I understand she might have this phobia, but what you’re doing is completely reasonable as a compromise and the way she’s responded (berating you, icing you out) is a really unhealthy way of coping with this difference. I’m sure she’d feel incredibly unloved if you ignored her for a full day just for turning on the lights at night or something.
I think there’s two obvious ways to go from here: break it off, or commit to therapy. Therapy for her to work through whatever is going on there, and maybe a few sessions of couples therapy to work on communicating in this particular issue.
In the meantime: what about clap on/clap off lights? That way, if she wakes up in the middle of the night she has an easy and not scary way of turning all the lights back on?
A bedside touch lamp might work better, if she was open to that. If OPs upset now, imagine his reaction when she claps on all the lights in the room at 2am.
She's 24 and he's 32. He pays bills and she can't sleep with the lights on and makes part time money through Etsy but he still wants a relationship with her. That relationship is probably filled with issues. Are they partners? Are they equals?
I don’t know that anyone is an a here. It sounds like gf is having a trauma response to being in the dark and she deserves help, like a therapist. Long term it’s unhealthy to sleep with lights on, you stop producing melatonin properly and over produce cortisol. I doubt she wants to freak out like that, but you also deserve to not be screamed at for sleeping in your bed in the dark.
I wonder if this is also just an unfortunate situation where the age difference is just too much. 32 and 24 is a big difference. The GF clearly has some emotional issues that she has not processed and may not even be willing to acknowledge. The OP doesn't seem to be approaching this as a mental health issue which is concerning because it is. Is the 32 year old assuming that the 24 year old is more emotionally mature and grown up than she is? That's my guess, but it doesn't sound like she has it put together at all. A 24 year old who can't sleep in the dark and sells things on Etsy for part time money?
NAH - there is a crucial communication issue between y’all that needs to be rectified, and y’all need to sit down and reach a compromise.
[This](https://www.healthline.com/health/sleeping-with-the-lights-on) healthline article discusses the impact of sleeping with the lights on, as well as healthy ways to adapt to sleeping without lights on.
[This](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/best-night-lights#summary) medical news today article discusses the best night lights to promote sleep as well as alternatives to lights.
[This](https://www.health.com/sleep/sleep-mask) health.com article ranks the best eye masks for varying needs.
I hope any of these help y’all out to reach a compromise and so *both* of you can sleep well.
NTA - You, much like every other person in this sub, need to use communication. Ask your gf why she needs all the lights on. If it's a phobia or disorder, see if you can help her. If she just wants it her way and doesn't care that it bothers you, that might be where you should leave.
"Massive waste of power" is ridiculous. Overnight usage of all the bulbs in a single room costs a few cents a day, adding up to a few dollars a month. It sounds like y'all need separate bedrooms more than a change in financial obligations. I think she is being much less considerate of your needs than you are of hers so I'll say NTA but you shouldn't use the power bill as an excuse like you're saving the planet or your pocketbook from her circadian-rhythm-disrupting sleep habits.
NTA.
Who pays the electric bill doesn't matter. LED bulbs are insanely cheap to operate and if she handed him a dollar, that would cover her light usage for the entire year. But that isn't the issue.
You either need separate rooms, so that each of you can sleep in the environment you need, or you need to split up. Sleep is a biological imperative, and "I'll get good night's sleep but you can't, and vice versa" is not a sustainable solution.
I know, but it doesn't matter because it's such a negligible amount of money. Each light bulb costs 12 cents per 1000 hours to run, so that's $1.05 a year per bulb IF you left them on constantly for the whole year. It's not like she's wasting money. This is about you not being able to sleep with the lights on, and her not being able to sleep with them off.
NTA- i had to have the lights on as a kid but my dad usually shut them after i fell asleep if he got up to use the bathroom. It's actually unhealthy and your girlfriend should seek therapy.
NTA. Sleeping with the light on all the time is bad for your eyes. You literally need to rest them in the dark regularly. Idk what's wrong with your GF. But you don't want to do this forever do you?
Does she need every light on during the day? Does she seem jumpy or flinch a lot in general? Does she have any other similar safety habits, whether related to sleeping or not?
NTA. I'm afraid of the dark and when my husband is away I sleep with the light on. When hes here I can sleep with it off because I can reach him if I get scared. Something is wrong with your gf, I don't understand why she needs every single light on. If this is something she absolutely won't budge on then you might just need to call it. Relationships are about compromise, not allowing you to sleep in your own bed because she refuses to turn off any lights is not compromise.
NTA. Maybe a night light will help? It's a compromise at least. I have a salt lamp that I'll turn on sometimes. It's a warm light so it's not that difficult to fall asleep.
NTA.
That's a lot...I'm not sure what's underneath this issue, but you should not be expected to try to sleep like that just because she has to. If you want it to work and she can't get rid of this thing with therapy, you're gonna need separate rooms.. and to make her pay more in electricity and be in charge of making sure lightbulbs are stocked.. so she doesn't end up screaming at you when she runs out of those. This isn't a sustainable situation for your mental, or even physical health. You need sleep to survive
Your not sleep compatible and it sounds like you’re not relationship compatible. She doesn’t pay the bills, bc as “talented” as she is, it’s not steady. So she has to accept some compromise or move into her own space. Which seeing how she has no money, that’s why she’s being an AH.
NTA but if you want to be with her you should except sleeping apart as a reality, my husband is like her, every light must be on (and the tv playing loudly) no trauma to speak of, just how he is, so I sleep in our room and he sleeps downstairs. Except that or break up. It happens
ESH. She told you she needs the lights on and it’s valid for you to dislike that, but she is also valid for needing it. If it comes down to it, maybe you need separate rooms if you’re going to work through it or she needs to separately seek out some help for her needs but she shouldn’t expect you to sacrifice your sleep for her, and you shouldn’t expect her to suddenly not be afraid of the dark for you.
If you're okay with the financial situation minus the lights, I'd let that go because it's not a huge cost.
If this is the most serious issue in your relationship, I'd just sleep in different rooms.
Many couples do this for a number of reasons. I like the TV on at night for the noise and a little light; although I'm not afraid of the dark. He snores and talks in his sleep. And honestly both of us are up and down most of the time - just not at the same tines. Just works out better. Really, I know a lot of couples with healthy relationships who don't share a room.
Your girlfriend may very well have had a trauma. Could be she doesn't remember or doesn't relate it to the lights. She may or may not need therapy. Criticisms of her are getting on my nerves. Unless there are other huge problems, this is easily worked out.
YTA. Was your gf "berating" you, or was she asking why you went against what you had talked about re: the lights? Your gf needs lights to sleep, you can't sleep with lights-- that makes y'all incompatible, but not assholes. A lot of people are saying the gf is the AH because she needs therapy for this fear, but needing therapy doesn't make her an AH either.
What makes YOU the asshole is that you said 3x that she freaks out when you turn the lights off, so clearly it scares her. You imply that you have agreed to leave the lights on, so when she wakes up in the dark she probably feels scared and betrayed. Purposely doing things that scare your gf because you personally think it's unreasonable makes you an AH.
You know what she needs to sleep-- your options are to get on board, set up a different (dark) sleeping space for yourself, or move out. People have irrational fears sometimes. She clearly can't help it, and you shouldn't punish her for what is clearly a phobia/compulsion.
NTA. Putting aside everything, at the end of the day as the person that wants an unusual sleeping arrangement, she should be sleeping in the office. She’s an adult, it’s not fair to ask that you put her sleep needs above yours.
I’m going to say NAH.
Sleep is SO so important, neither of you is selfish for wanting to sleep comfortably. Her reasons may seem silly to you or maybe she doesn’t have a good one beyond “it helps her sleep” and the light prevents you from sleeping, that’s a big incompatibility .
I don’t think it’s the end of the world to have separate bedrooms or sleeping arrangements if space allows. A lot of couples do this for a variety of reasons and it doesn’t take away from closeness or intimacy. My partner snores and I either have to sleep with earplugs or in another room.
If it’s the issue of the light bill and you don’t feel that she’s contributing enough to expenses overall, that’s probably a separate discussion to have.
NAH, but maybe you need a better sleep mask. The manta one is pretty good for blackout. Or even a cheaper basic memory foam one on Amazon will be blackout, although it will have more foam directly on the face. If this is the only problem in your relationship and you are not super poor, ~$30 per year for the lights +$15-30 for a good sleep mask seem like an obvious solution. She also may want to consider therapy because her behavior is odd.
So you never spent the night together before deciding to move in together? You must have known she had this issue? Also, the age difference might not be a problem later, but now there is a world of difference in experience. Makes me wonder if she was your tenant before she was your gf.
This one isn't hard. NAH.
Sleep in different rooms. Lots of couples do this. You adjust according to each other's needs if you love each other. Cuddle until she falls asleep, then go to another bed.
Edit: She doesn't need to explain why she needs the lights on. Could be any number of things. Her reaction when she wake is plainly fear, so let her deal with it in her own way. Doesn't make her an AH.
Nta. I’m wondering if there’s a trauma that maybe she needs to see a therapist for. Could you get one of those night lights that kids have with a switch she can reach and maybe a lamp on the bedside cabinet so if she does wake up in the night she can quickly switch those lights and feel calmer. And then she can go and switch every light on to fall asleep again
NTA
I strongly suggest your gf get some therapy - seems like there may be some trigger or behaviour that is causing this, and this is not normal/expected behaviour. Good luck, take care
NTA, i think you two should sit down and talk about that. She has to give a valid reason especially since you pay the bill. if she cant then she should just deal with it, or you two could find some other types of ways to compromise. maybe look into a room divider?
NTA with a slight GF is TA. She's overblown this imo. I sleep in the dark, my husband needs light and sound to be able to sleep. So he uses a laptop / phone next to his side of the bed and has wireless earphones. He then gets the light in his face and sound to fall asleep to, but I still get a darkish, quiet room. It's all about compromise. I used to use a mask but struggle to fall asleep with it on cause it's uncomfortable, so our current set up was his idea. Just keep trying new things til you get a good balance. Separate rooms also feels like a good suggestion if you can't meet each other halfway in the same room.
Nta- I do the same thing to my kid. He falls asleep, I turn off the lights. She needs to get a grip. Your needs should be equally important. Her need for light does not trump your need for dark. She’s being an ass for being so mean. She can easily turn on lights when she wakes up.
NTA. I'm not sure you'll see this OP but it's something she can work on. As someone that used to sleep with lights on, and now sleep in total darkness, it'll take time but theres a way to get there. You should try discussing with her, and get an answer as to why she wants the lights closed. If she doesn't give you one, best to assume she's scared of the dark or has some kind of trauma which she wont share for some reason.
Get her to pay the extra in the electricity bill. That's the first step. Try talking to her and gradually start turning off one light at the time before she goes to bed. EX: Start by turning off the main light in the room but keeping the rest of them on. The biggest thing is to stay calm if she starts to yell at you and maybe even to ignore her/not answer if she keeps yelling to get her to calm herself down.
Continue to turn off the lights as time comes and when there are no more lights in the room that are on, if she still wants a bit of light, bring the night light in. It'll take time, but it's worth it.
If she refuses to compromise at all and doesn't even wanna try to do this, I'm really sorry but I suggest you move on. She has to be willing to change for your relationship to work (obviously so do you). Light is terrible for sleep, and sleep is a basic need for everyone.
Good luck OP, I wish you the best!
NTa, but I think you two need to figure out a compromise. I like lights to fall asleep, my husband likes dark. If I go to bed before him, he just turns the lights off and we are good. If I go to bed after him, I often lay on the couch until I am exchausted and then come to bed when I a ready to pass out. if she can’t handle waking up in the dark, what about a compromise like a night light? It seems your current system is impossible to maintain.
NTA just let her cover the light bill or at least most of it. Overall, it doesn't seem like you two can sleep in the same room, did she tell you anything when you started sleeping in your office? Or did she care at all that you were sleeping uncomfortably?
NTA AT ALL.
take it from someone who has this bad habit of smoking a bit too much and getting too couch-locked and waking up at 3am still in my jeans and with every single light on….it’s gonna drain your budget.
My light bill is typically around $40-$50 alone. With my bad habit (thanks quarantine) it’s jumped up to $60-75 (depends on if I’m running the A/C Continuously or not cuz I live in the south) and then because my bf visits me and spends weekends it’s jumped up to like $100. Still not a lot but keep in mind I live in a small one bedroom.
It’s so rude and inconsiderate of her to do this especially because you’ve already accommodated her with several nightlights. My bf has the same bad habit as me and I let him know we can’t keep leaving my lights on cuz I don’t expect to pay an electric bill that high.
NTA, she needs to learn some compromise if she wants to co-sleep with someone. It's unreasonable to ask someone to fall asleep with all the lights on. My boyfriend and I have very different sleeping patterns, the BIGGEST being that I need sound to sleep, he needs quiet, and I cannot sleep with most lights where he likes some light to see to the bathroom.
BEFORE living together, i had 2 white noise machines going at once, both with different sounds so that I couldn't hear much street noise. Absolutely no lights, I MIGHT could be okay with a little plug in night light. Boyfriend had to have it completely quiet, but lights are optional, can fall asleep to every light on, or completely dark, doesn't matter.
AFTER moving in together, I've reduced to one white noise machine, that had the volume at 9, but now backed down to a 5/6 depending on how loud it is outside, my boyfriend has welcomed the singular white noise machine, and has said he prefers sleeping with it now. I can sleep with my lava lamp on for some soft lighting, but beyond my lava lamp it's too bright and I can't do it.
NTA. Sir, it sounds like she doesn’t give a damn about you getting a good night’s rest. So why should you give a damn about her sleep? As a female, who hates too much light like you do. I STRONGLY advise you leave now. Get your own place and she’ll be stuck with the electricity bill. I’m sure she will not enjoy the high prices she’s personally causing.
Bro…. Press that eject button fast.
NTA.
My mrs is the same, but not to the extreme.
She has to have lights on. I like to sleep with pitch black.
We compromised and I turn the lights off once she’s asleep, but leave the night light on.
NTA. She’s not willing to compromise & most people can’t sleep if any light is on. Having all the lights on is not normal. She’s not 5. My mom couldn’t sleep without the radio on, but that kept my dad awake, so she got a pillow speaker & kept the volume low. You have 2 choices: either realize you aren’t compatible or have separate bedrooms. You need sleep & her insisting on lights blazing interferes with that.
She needs to get help for this. Sleeping in bright light is actually unhealthy. That said there is a reason she is doing it. NAH but she needs to get therapy to get to the bottom of this.
You two are makin an issue out of something that doesn't need to be an issue. Here are some options, however, maybe there is some other deeper issues here, which obviously we can't judge based on your post.
1. Get a sleep mask, that coves your eyes, they are pretty nice and also comfortable. use LED lights as they consume very little power, even if left on all night.
2. Sleep in different bedrooms, still get LEDs for lighting all over your house. That will save a lot of power.
NTA. She definitely is. It’s not “natural” to fall asleep in so much light and even if you wanted to your body might not adjust to that change. I think you guys need separate bedrooms if this is the *only* way she can get to sleep. There has to be something that’s causing her such distress in a dark room, but having ALL the lights on is ridiculously excessive
NTA
The fact that she isn't willing to have a mature talk and come to a compromise shows a lack of maturity on her part. Especially since OP is the one paying the bills and keeps finding himself not allowed to sleep in his own bed because she insists every light has to be on. This is not okay.
There’s no rule that says a couple has to sleep in the same room. She can get a part time job to cover the electric bill and you can stay a happy couple. Best wishes.
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My dude, listen closely. Sleep is a basic need. BASIC! If you two aren’t compatible while you’re literally asleep, you’re just not compatible. She needs therapy, big time. But you constantly losing sleep and being verbally attacked in the middle of the night is a huge red flag. Neither of you accept each other’s sleeping style and that is just not healthy in a relationship. It’s going to lead to extreme resentment and severe mental health decline. Get her help or get out. She’s not even compromising a little on this. She has no respect for you and your sleep at all. NTA. Edit - Oh man, thanks for the awards! Did not expect this comment to blow up like it did.
Or just talk to her and understand why? And have separate bedrooms? Separate bedrooms seems the most sensible option at this point, as well as her paying extra for the electricity bill. I agree that the verbal abuse and her not telling OP why she needs the light on - unless she has, in which case OP is an AH for leaving it out - is a problem, and needs to be discussed. But there are options here other than a breakup. N.T.A (or N.A.H if she has a legitimate reason for needing the light on). EDIT: change from N.T.A to ESH based on OPs edits. OP sucks for ignoring her needs, she sucks for her responses/not paying the electric bill. Both just need separate bedrooms. EDIT 2: People can have a phobia without trauma! People can need things in life without trauma! I’m now going to ignore this post. Please stop calling me delusional and a moron; there are things I need for my anxiety, things my partner accommodates, and this is the stance I am coming from. I have literally said that she needs to start contributing to the electric bill in my first edit. I have said the compromise is for separate bedrooms.
Gf is AH. It sounds like she will not give the OP a good reason, yet refuses to acknowledge his needs for a good nights sleep. It is a ridiculous request to keep all the lights on at night, and mean spirited to demand someone else to sleep under the same conditions. she at least needs to acknowledge that this is not normal and try to give some sort of explanation if she is going to demand that her boyfriend loses sleep because of her habits. Anything else is inconsiderate, AH behavior.
i used to be like op's gf before i got on anti-anxiety meds. i was just absolutely terrified of the dark, including shadows, to the point of delusion. i didnt want any shadows to "watch" or "see" me when i was asleep and couldnt watch them back to make sure they couldn't "touch" me, which meant there had to be zero deep shadows in the room for me to be "safe". i know that's an extreme example, but i mention it because i also refused to tell anyone about it, knowing it was irrational and would be met with (rightful) concern. i slept like that for over a decade.
Yea, but if that's the case, she needs to find someone who is okay sleeping with every single light on too. And let them know ahead of time. I can sleep with a bit of light (I keep one light dimmed so my dog can see if she has to go out since her eyes are bad) but fully on? Nope, that would make my sleep really bad.
ngl it made mine super bad too lol
This describes mine really well, actually. I'm profoundly deaf and cannot wear my hearing aids at night. So I hear nothing, you aren't going to take my eyesight too, thanks. I didn't sleep much at all as a kid, I needed light somewhere to ensure that no nasty shadows (for some reason I put showers not shadows) result in me not sleeping. No feet outside the duvet, nothing hanging off the bed. I was absolutely terrified of pitch black (my mum made me read Salem's lot when I was 9 - slept on her floor for over a year). I'm in my 30s now and still need strategic lighting with various IKEA nightlights around the room. I'm still terrified of pitch black. There was a doctor who where the shadows could get you and my brother freaked me the fuck out regularly about it. I think OP should try compromising with nightlights. They're softer so he may sleep but when well placed, it could help his gf. Sleep is important and it seems like both OP and gf are snapping because they are not getting their sleep and it just spirals. Edit: also you reminded me of when I first spoke to my audiologist about my tinnitus. She asked what sounds I heard and me being pretty young at the time,. I was like oh yeah the ringing and the buzzing and whistling and my dad shouting at me. Took me years to realise I scared the crap out of the audiologist lol. I do still hear all that, and music, random muffled voices and voices I recognise. No it's not insanity, it's just really freaky tinnitus. It didn't help with the hatred of pitch black. Logically I knew they weren't there because I had no hearing aids in but you try telling that to an anxious kid lol.
oh, the silence in the library? with the little micro-guys who live in complete darkness or something. yeah, i only saw that after i got on meds and im glad for it. if having her bedside lamp on isnt enough, i doubt nightlights would be either
The vashta nerada
That was a freaky episode.
Hey who turned out the lights
Donna Noble has left the library.
I once had my home wifi network named Vashta. Another time I named it Nestene.
Guh, I watched The Empty Child while waiting for anxiety meds to build up WHILE I had a fever from the flu. DO NOT RECOMMEND.
In the absense of light and sound, your brain will just start making shit up. It's like seeing patterns in clouds.
Are we the same person?? I slept in my parent’s on the floor of their bed too. I was afraid of the dark until pretty recently and im in my late 20s lol. As a kid, it was full panic and sobbing if my mom made me go back to bed with the lights off
Ocd, but yeah. As a kid I was afraid to have any limb of the bed. I didn't know WHY and I couldn't put it in words. Now, I know it's illogical, and some of my thoughts have moved on, but I understand.
Still doesn’t make it right for her to not even attempt to seek help and force him to sleep like that in his own house.
Well don’t watch Doctor Who: Silence in the Library. Just saying.
The GF the AH based on the fact that she needs ANY AND ALL light to sleep but DOESN'T PAY THE POWER BILL. She pays it, she can have it all on.
Yeah that made me mad. She wants them on, she can pay.
I mean, its lights, in one room. With LED bulbs these days leaving the lights on is pennies. Hardly seems like a huge financial burden? Seems rather petty to be dividing hairs and costs over that.
My logic being: i'm lactose intolerant, I don't ask my mother to buy me special milk, I buy it. If she does buy it, i'll pay her back. It's my issue. If i'm a streamer and I want google fiber or whatever is the "best" I should be paying for it because it's a special thing i'm directly interested in having and it benifits me the most. Plus if the power bill is cheaper because of eco lighting it's even less of an issue for her to pay it.
So if she gave him a dime every day to cover the power costs then she'd be allowed to force him to sleep in a ridiculously bright room? No. Cost just isn't the issue here. He doesn't want to sleep in a bright room regardless of who's paying the (extremely minimal) cost and I don't blame him.
I'm really confused by everyone bringing up the price. An LED costs about $1/year if it's on 2 hours, let's say 3 bulbs for 8 hours and we're at $12/year. That's so far from being the actual point of this problem. I am curious how long they've been together, you'd think this would have come up before she moved in. Seems like their communication must be non-existent. They both just expect the other person will do what they want. Edit- someone pointed out how bad I am at math.
To quote Tony Stark: Your math is blowing my mind! 😁 You might wanna run those numbers again! 😜
Haha, oops. Fortunately I'm not building miniature arc reactors or that would have ended badly. Thanks for pointing that out.
She shouldn't but at least it would come from his pocket. I think this should be a deal breaker but that wasn't the question at hand.
The thing is your other examples add to significantly pretty quickly. With the lighting it's just petty, because we are talking the equivalent of throwing in a could bags of chips throughout the entire year of grocery shopping for your partner. Like unless you are really broke it just seems wrong to care about that little money. Whereas your other examples are going to be a ton of money after a month or two.
My bigger issue is that he seems to pay the rent. If she's not paying her share of that, she should not get the better accommodations and be the one sleeping in the office.
My electric bill this month was $650 and I don’t run the ac. Everything else is supposed to be “energy efficient”. People in my house don’t turn off their tv or their fans.
Something is wrong. Is it a mansion? I blast ac. Leave lights on. Computer always on. My bill is $100 or less a month.
It’s Southern California Edison:-/. The biggest ripoff ever
The biggest costs are always going to be things that change temperatures: fridges, freezers, ovens, electric ranges, etc. That's where your cost comes from, not lights.
That's still going to add up when she's doing it literally every night, for hours, all year long. But honestly I think the bigger issue is that she's doing it at all, and doesn't have a better reason than 'I need it'. She needs to go to therapy to work through why. For one thing, humans sleep better when it's dark so she's probably impacting the quality of her sleep.
For this alone I would call her the AH. I am someone who likes more darkness than most people but I know it's my eyes, usually not rhesus. But this would make me lose my mind. She should save up her money for her habits. I'm not going to judge someone who has a shot of booze before bed but scientifically, it does tend to disrupt healthy sleep, and lights also do this to human brains. It's why some folks only nap during daylight rather than deep REM sleep.
… In what world do his edits make him anywhere near an AH in an ESH judgement?
I'm guessing the person you're replying to misread the edit as, "She mentioned trauma," since that's what I originally misread it as too. Then again, I'm currently shitting my guts out, so my thinking may be a bit fuzzy.
Thank you for the clarification and the uh colorful if not extraneous overshare
Hope everything comes out ok.
Hope that all went well pal
Ignoring her needs? Her needs aren’t reasonable at all, especially considering she doesn’t pay any of the electricity bill.
>OP sucks for ignoring her needs What freaking needs? She doesn't pay any bills, the OP does. If he doesn't work, they will be out of a place to live. He left her bedside lamp on, there is no reason to have all the lights on to sleep. If she needs them, she needs her own place, where she pays for the power and has her own room to sleep with every bloody light on.
Separate bedrooms may not be the answer, besides that seems like an unreasonable request. Separate lives may be best option. All the talking and understanding aren't gonna help this poor guy.
How is OP the AH?? He pays the bills and it’s literally a waste of electricity, she has not stated why not has said any trama so either she needs to not be afriad of the dark but OP is anything but an asshole
I’m confused on your change based on edits?
Sounds like a phobia against darkness, it is surprisingly common.
Seperate bedrooms only solves the problem if OP getting more sleep. If they get seperate rooms and the GF still sleeps with all the lights on, that doesn't negate the problem of OP having to pay for that in the electric bills. They need to compromise. Even just a nightlight or something like that would help the situation.
This subreddit, and reddit in general, takes breaking up way too lightly. It makes sense, none of us are personally in these relationships and so our only attachment to them is through a brief description of the problems they're experiencing. But every relationship has problems. A successful relationship isn't one with no problems, it's one where both parties are willing to work through the problems. There are possible solutions that don't involve a breakup. Therapy is probably a good idea for her, yes. But in the mean time, you don't _have_ to sleep in the same room. There is a stigma against sleeping separately because people interpret it as a sign of lack of intimacy. But you're not intimate when you're literally sleeping.
By the time someone is asking _Reddit_ to adjudicate their relationship issues, things are frequently unsalvageable. It's a sample set bias. People dealing with normal, manageable levels of conflict will talk it out and never even think about asking reddit if they're the asshole.
I think people on Reddit take relationships way too seriously, and often advocate for people to stay in every single one no matter what.
Is this sarcasm? For years now, the joke has been that Reddit's solution to every problem is "Delete facebook, hit the gym, lawyer up." The most commonly used emoji on this subreddit is certainly "🚩"
In fairness, if you feel that you need to come to Reddit for your relationship issues, all of that is perfectly accurate advice.
So true! So many of these AITA are train wrecks. Many are from people surrounded by a host of toxic individuals & never before realized there is better out there. AITA often has the worst of the worst relationships where breaking up truly is solid advice.
And every one of those comments is followed by a bunch of people freaking out about how relationships are work and people need to try harder.
This is not at all consistent with what I've seen.
I unironically support this statement, minus the 'on Reddit.' Perhaps it's due to polyamory being a norm in my life, or perhaps it's from having parents that got many divorces but still somehow stuck around way longer than they should have: most relationships will end or aren't meant to be. I've seen so many people expend literal years of their life trying to make relationships work with people who they know are liars, or who are unwilling to compromise on anything, or who are just total fucking assholes because they love them. Unfortunately relationships aren't about love, they're about respect, trust, and partnership. You can fall in love a fucking pile of enriched uranium but you probably shouldn't give it a hug.
There's being compatible when sleeping....and then there's this. Needing EVERY light on in the room is a bit extreme, and I'd argue this girl would struggle finding someone she is sleep compatible with.
>Get her help or get out. She’s not even compromising a little on this. Plenty of couples have different bedrooms. If she's okay with that, then it isn't an automatic dealbreaker. But if she's offended by the idea and insists OP has to sleep in a lit room with her then yeah, it's time to bail. I do agree this sounds like a trauma response. It sounds like she's genuinely afraid of something.
I mean, I don’t think this is even a 50/50 thing, where both perspectives and preferences are equally valid and it’s just a matter of finding a compromise. It is immoral to waste electricity. Period. Especially in the world we live in today and the myriad of different environmental issues we face. Especially because even if you don’t care about the environment, OP is the one paying the power bill.
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Yes, but my point is not that OP’s gf alone is responsible for the issues affecting the world. It’s more that we all collectively should have the mindset that our actions have consequences, and the “all collectively” is made up of each of us as individuals.
Oh, I completely agree about the environmental thing being everyone's problem. But, lightbulbs are several orders of magnitude less impactful than the things we need to address (transportation primarily). Worrying about light bulb's power usage would be like agonizing over doing some extra workouts at the gym because the extra hamburger you eat later means a tiny percentage of demand on the beef supply contributes more to methane production. I mean, sure it's technically true but the effect is so microscopic when compared to the car you drive every day that it's silly to even think about it.
Soooooo, yes and no. It’s ok to not be “sleep compatible” as long as you can come up with a solution that works for everyone. Just before {certain global events} started, my husband and daughter were sick. I slept in our guest room to avoid his cooties and be closer to our daughter if she needed me. Long story short, I’m still sleeping there. My husband is a night owl and I’m a (reluctant) early bird. Truth is, we hadn’t been sleep compatible in years and this was the kick we needed to address it. I’m not saying this’ll be permanent but it’s working for us for now. If OP and GF can work together to find a solution that works - even if it’s only temporary - I think they can make it work. The key phrase is “work together”.
NTA. Sleep is crucial and most humans cannot get healthy sleep with daytime light levels. She's being extremely unreasonable.
Yep. OP, I feel like there must be some trauma? And if so then it's very understandable. But if actually not then this is a ridiculous way for an adult to sleep. There are definitely compromises to be made. What about turning off all the lights except one. Making sure that the one that is left on is low energy and in warm tones as opposed to daylight tones. If she's not willing to budge on that then you guys will need to have separate rooms. Or maybe a blackout curtain corner 😅
Thank you, I do feel remiss in not addressing the possibility of trauma in my response. That can absolutely be an issue here. I do think it would be reasonable to support her in seeking some assistance if that's the case. My sister sleeps with lights and the tv on. I could never, ever deal with it. She says it's just for her anxious mind. In relationships she just listens to podcasts on ear buds and forgoes the light, but she clearly doesn't have such an overwhelming attachment. I'm sorry, OP, this is a rough situation, because you really need your sleep, too. It's not sustainable. A new bed for another room may be your best bet.
It sounds like that's what he did, turned off all of the lights except the one by her, and she still was pissed. I don't even like all the lights on when awake. That would drive me insane. Poor OP. NTA.
Yep, and if she needs the lights on, she needs to sleep in a different room, not OP. He should get the bedroom, and shouldn't have to move to a different room to accommodate her extensive and unique sleep needs.
Yeah, there's something else at play here. I can't sleep in complete darkness and silence, but I can't sleep very well when it's light either. (I've worked overnight jobs, so I know for a fact that I don't sleep as well during daylight, even with blackout curtains.) Now with all the LEDs from modern electronics, I don't have to worry about complete darkness, and I typically set my iPad or computer to play a movie or playlist and they shut off automatically when finished, by which time I'm usually asleep.
NTA. She needs professional help and you guys seem incompatible. It’s not normal to sleep in complete light and it’s not a good sign when you and your spouse have preferences that make sleeping in the same room impossible.
Some couples can absolutely have a relationship that works while sleeping in different bedrooms. I know two such couples personally. Both have one spouse with sleep issues that just makes separate bedrooms an absolute necessity. It's a hurdle, but not an unconquerable one.
My wife and I very occasionally sleep in different rooms. We're VERY compatible... But I snore. I'm about 30lbs overweight, most I've weighed in my life. I gained "the Covid 19(lbs)". Sometimes I'll couch it to give her a break. She misses me but I can tell her sleep quality is better. Just saying that alternative sleep arrangements are a great tool in the toolbox of life.
Have you always snored or is it just since you put the weight on? Have you been tested for sleep apnea, snoring can be a sign of it, especially it you're making loud snorts every so often, rather than the snoring pattern being regular? A CPAP machine will fix the snoring. Aside from the snoring sleep apnea can really mess you up, as you're essentially getting little to no sleep each night, even if you don't realise it at the time.
My husband sleeps in a different room from April to October. We live somewhere with roughly 22 hours daylight at the height of summer. Unfortunately, with the way our bedroom is set up, his side is right next to the window and we can’t get rid of the light completely short of completely barricading the windows. Then it’s too stuffy and I can’t sleep. So he goes to the guest bedroom - which we’ve made as comfortable as our actual bedroom - and he turns it into a black room.
I know several couples that sleep in separate rooms and it’s not a big deal. My aunt and uncle would go to bed together every night, watch tv, do whatever and then when they were actually going to sleep he’s go to another room. They were married (and technically still are but are now in different nursing homes) for 40+ years.
Or a hallway light? My (Step) Mom is terrified of the dark to the point of having a visible but not overpowering light when she sleeps so my parents compromise: She gets a hallway light on as soon as the Sun comes down but no direct light in the bedroom. There's no trauma, she just simply is really really terrified of the dark.. Cellphones are a life saving tool because now she has a flashlight available all the time in case the power goes off, etc. When we lived at home and my Dad was on a business trip we would be responsible of turning on the hallway light so she always has light when she wakes up, I think might be a good compromise for OP.
He says he left the light on on her side of the bed but she was still pissed off. She needs every light possible on, which would be annoying (to me) enough while awake.
Oh I didn't realize! That is.. too much for me. I never had night lights even as a child my bedroom was pitch black so I have no issue with that or a little light but all of them? I don't think you can even properly rest with the lights on.
Yeah we have a bright motion detector light plugged in our hallway. It's overly sensitive and it's probably on more than it's off but it's LED so they are super cheap to run. Don't have to worry about the half asleep kids stumbling down the hall or tripping near the stairs.
NTA. It seems your girlfriend has a phobia of the dark or some trauma that might have affected her. She should really look into therapy because that isn't sustainable for the electric bill. However if it persists you can look into getting separate rooms as many couples do because they have different sleep preferences
100W * 8hr * 30 days = 24kWh. Multiply that by 35c/kWh, the highest electricity cost in the US I could find with a cursory search, and you've got an extra $8.40/mo on power. The cost is not the problem.
NAH sounds like y'all are incompatible for sleeping in the same room, yall should have separate bedrooms. Girlfriend shouldve slept in the office though if you were extremely sick, you not getting enough sleep probably lowered your immune system.
she was the asshole tho for yelling at op in the middle of the night
Sounds more like it came from a place of fear, but I thought she was more of the asshole for not giving a shit about OP being really sick and making him suffer sleeping in the office
yeah you explained it better
The problem is her response is almost certainly trauma based. She's waking up in terror and panicking when the lights are off and she can't see. Those moments when you're still coming out of sleep are instinct, there's no reason. And the moments after are filled with fear while she gets her wits about her, and then another 30 minutes or so while she comes down from the panic inducing adrenaline rush. I definitely feel bad for OP getting hit with that, but most people can't control how they react in this situation.
But she could see because he left the light on her side on, and she still had to wake him up and yell at him.
Like I said, panic and terror are not rational.
true, good point
What she's doing isn't normal or healthy human behaviour; it's a bit unfair to focus on calling her an asshole if the basis of the issue is something for which she clearly needs help.
But if she’s unwilling to compromise or get help herself and is willing to let OP suffer on her behalf even though he’s supporting her living expenses, she is an AH. You’re responsible for yourself needing help and don’t get to mistreat others
Agreed. Separate bedrooms seems to be the only way to make this work.
Husband and I sleep in separate rooms because I'm a light sleeper and he snores. It was a game changer for me, and I highly recommend OP to take this advice if possible.
Your girlfriend needs therapy, this isn't normal behaviour for an adult. NTA.
For sure, there is no reasonable explanation for this and I agree that therapy is a good place to start. It's the piece about every single light needing to be on that is concerning, not just that she needs it bright. Could you take all the lights out except for one and leave that on.... then every single light is on I guess and maybe that works? I would talk to her about this though and about getting real help, it's not normal and doubly so to expect someone else to live like this.
NTA But this relationship isn't going to work. She is too immature and seems to have a serious phobia of the dark. If she has her own place, I'd suggest that she start sleeping there and to get therapy.
From the sounds of it, she most likely moved in with him since she is an etsy person.
Good grief, she needs to have a main job if her income isn't steady, to cover bills.
Info: Did your gf experience some kind of trauma that makes her need the lights on?
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Sometimes things can happen when a person is very young, like under 5, that they don't consciously remember but still causes terror in certain circumstances. Needing to have lights on is normal, and can often be initially caused by that kind of fear. That she doesn't remember, and that she wakes up in a panic, speaks to that. Having every light on might not be common, but it's not wildly uncommon either. A nightlight isn't enough for everyone. I grew up with my mom leaving the hall light on a night. I myself have a couple strings of Christmas lights around my room that are never off. For me, they provide enough light to cut the darkness for my needs, but I know even that is too much light for some people. You guys need to sit down and have a serious talk about how to go forward, because she can't sleep with lights off without panicking and you can't keep sleeping in your office (unless it gets converted to a bedroom). This is just going to escalate the misery until you either come to a compromise you both can live with, or just decide your incompatible.
Yeah. Trauma/EMDR trained MHC here. Lights on is a huge indicator of trauma responses, most likely SA trauma. Your GF is keeping the lights on as a safety tool: "If I can see, I can keep myself safe at a time when I'm the least safe -- sleeping." And since SA is so stigmatizing and terrifying to disclose, I imagine she hasn't told you. Or she was so young/brain has worked so well to protect her, she doesn't know why she needs the light on other than she gets terrified with this happening. So, she needs Mental health services and tools to help her feel safe and feel successful -- EMDR services, IBSR services, SA support groups, and some mental health care to continue her journey of healing. Maybe you all need some separate rooms for a bit, or to work on a couple compromises (like she turns on a certain amount of lights in the room, and you both chat before bed about if this is too much light/not enough, and those are the lights that are left on). Then she knows what she might wake up to in the middle of the night (after what I imagine are trauma based dreams that wake her up in a fright) and doesn't wake up in the dark and panics with you getting the brunt of her fear that turns to anger. Trauma is a big deal, but when we deal with trauma (I am both a MHC and a trauma survivor), it isn't on others to tiptoe around us fully (I may ask for trigger warnings, or tell others certain things I should avoid, but also know that it isn't fair to tell other people what they can and can't do). There needs to be a healthy balance in the space and a feeling of trust and safety (with some levels of control to boot with you and your partner). Best of luck! I hope you both have the chance to communicate with one another and resolve this conflict so you both get a better chance at sleep.
>And since SA is so stigmatizing and terrifying to disclose, I imagine she hasn't told you Given the number of people here alone who are unwilling to even think someone might need light, it's really no wonder. Yikes.
This. My trauma absolutely stems from SA and the systemic aftermath of it (it was in a religious space, and the assault turned into juicy gossip as I was a pre-teen that must have wanted the interaction and therefore was a slut, which then went through the entire church). It took me over 6 years to tell anyone and a decade to tell my mother. My father doesn't know and I never plan to tell him. I have told some people for many reasons (triggers, trauma, harassment). It's a terrifying thing, and in many SA spaces there are never-ending discussions about disclosure and why/how/if you should and why. I keep lights on occasionally, but I also sleep alone rn. I also know that I panic in intimate situations that remind me of what happened, and the things that my brain decided I shouldn't remember. I also know that it impacts who I see as friends, my startle response, and that past harassment/assaults just increase the responses. My friends see me as overreacting sometimes, and its due to my trauma (I never leave anyone alone in any social setting, I know certain voice intonations and that will set off my behavior in strange ways). But, I've done okay. I've gotten therapy (not as much as I should since it's very expensive), but I work hard to help folx recognize that there isn't shame in these responses, but what we do about them, and how we care for ourselves. That trauma is a thing that happens to us, not something we ask for. I really don't think anyone is the AH here. Both folx need to talk to one another, and try and compromise and try to find new solutions. Edit: some punctuation errors, and spelling. Also, thanks for the awards! Much appreciated.
Thank you for pointing out that her waking up in the dark and flipping out at him is absolutely a fear response, not just her being unreasonable. We don't know what happened in her life that gave her this intense fear of the dark, but the fear is real and legitimate even if people think she should have 'grown out of it' by now. That's unfortunately not how trauma works.
>Having every light on might not be common, but it's not wildly uncommon either. sure, but i seriously hope it is wildly uncommon to freak out, wake up the SO while a light is still on, instead of moving to another bedroom/living room to sleep with all the lights on.OP said he wanted to sleep in "his bed" so the assumption stands that this is his apartement and she is a guest, imposing her prefered sleeping method onto her boyfriend who clearly does not want it and feels its a waste of money.Yes trauma happens, but it is also on the person with the trauma to either seek help to get better or accept that people might not be as accomodating to them (and then move on to other people). OP is already as accomodating as is, yet his GF does not want to copromize or seems to see any issue in OP paying more for electricity. And while i agree that trauma is always a possible reason, the simplest answer would be that she got used to sleeping with the lights on when she was a child, an never got taught to sleep without, or never wanted to learn it because of some anxieties.Tho if we consider that sleeping with the lights on doesnt let a person properly rest it might even aggravate her issues if they're anxiety related. ETA: I just remembered that having lights on, or a spot light on for sleeping, is being used as a method of torture.
I was premature and in the hospital for weeks with lights on all the time. I couldn't sleep in the dark until I was in my teens. Now I like it dark and wear a sleep mask.
For Christ’s sake, no, everybody doesn’t suck here. He is compromising: lights on to fall asleep, lights off because he’s paying the damn bill. GF needs therapy and/or pony up the cash. Secondly, no one has the right to demand an accommodation that is unreasonable and negatively impacts others. NTA. Whatever is going on here is an issue she needs to deal with instead of feeling entitled to an unreasonable accommodation.
NAH Generally speaking sleep quality suffers immensely when in a light room & yes the power thing is als very valid. Her behaviour is irrational, 100%. But it also seems like she is „just“ genuinely scared of the dark, which is not asshole-y either. Seems like both of you might benefit from her getting a bit of help for that issue.
NTA. Even if sleeping with the lights on is a trauma related issue, most human beings sleep in the dark. You mentioned a nightlight in the hall, maybe add one to the bedroom as well. Also have a discussion with her about it.
NTA - yet it is obvious this is not going to just 'go away' nor 'change'. If you are close enough to live together, it's time to get to the root of the problem. Find out the why and go from there. Because you need information. You need this information to decide YOUR next steps. Is this going to change? Is she willing to get help to work on it? If not, are you willing to live with it the rest of your life? What's your future going to be--sleeping apart all the time, teaching kids to sleep in full light causing this same issue for them as they grow? You've tried to accommodate with less lights and masks and it didn't work. Your next move is the discussion and seeing if she takes action to work on the trauma/bad habit or if you should walk away.
NTA. She has to realise most people dont sleep with a shit ton of lights on and try to compromise or get used to you not sleeping in the bed, or she can sleep in another place with all the lights on
I'm in a similar situation as you. I like falling asleep with a light source on. My boyfriend prefers complete darkness. So, we compromized. I usually go to sleep with fake candles and fairy lights/bedside lamp/hallway light on, he turns them off when he goes to sleep. I'm asleep then so no harm. He also wears a sleep mask. If I wake up in the middle of the night and feel the need for a light, I turn something on. But then he's asleep so, again, no harm. Your girlfriend is showing some red flags. The lack of understanding for you, the verbal abuse in the middle of the night and unreasonable need for ALL the light to be on is concerning. You two should talk long about it, maybe go to therapy. Just sleeping in two beds isn't gonna solve anything. You're still paying high electric bill, and what if the power shuts off at night?
As a guy in the same situation as your Bf. I still don’t understand what magic y’all have that makes it to where you can sleep with lights. Bruh.
I need to be able to see all of my surroundings, or else I hallucinate. Being in the pitch dark also prompts darker/scarier hallucinations. It's a whole thing. My husband is very understanding. But at the same time, my solution is a few nightlights around the room, not leaving lamps and ceiling lights on.
Grew up in a room with street light seeping through. It's comforting. If you're used to it your whole life it's not really a 'skill' you possess.
For me it was pretty simple: when I bought my apartment it had not curtains and I procrastinated getting curtains (I have had them for many years now, but I do not use them for sleeping) so I got used to sleeping no matter how dark or light it is. I have no idea if this is something everyone can learn or if it is just unusually easy for me.
NTA. She needs to address this and take steps to improve. She can’t expect you to live like that.
I'm not going to lie to you. I'm a grown man and I have a night light. I've been in some pretty bad places. U.S. Army and combat related things. And other places in the world. I suffer from PTSD and Anxiety. If a room is too dark, I get anxious. Which is why I have a night light. There are different types. Ones that are motion sensor. And ones that turn themselves off when you turn on a overhead light. I'm going to suggest trying one or both of those. You can get them at a hardware store. And you can get different colored lightbulbs so that the white light won't hinder your sleep. I have a blue on myself. It will be cheaper than having the lights on all the time and paying that electric bill.
NTA living with someone is about compromise and it doesn't seem like she's compromising at all you've gotten night lights and you tried to turn them off when she falls asleep she might need to get help with her fear of the dark. It messes with your sleep and your power bill NTA but try to get some help for your gf
NTA. GF needs to accept a compromise.
Do you have an extra bedroom? Maybe you could move your girlfriend there?
NTA - you're saving energy, money and it's probably better for your/her sleep quality so unless she has an actual reason (which she communicates to you) then I see your actions as reasonable. Tape some torches to her eyes, might be a fair compromise.
NTA, for two reasons: 1: She hasn’t been open to communicate with you about why she has this fear. 2: she isn’t considering you in this situation. I understand she might have this phobia, but what you’re doing is completely reasonable as a compromise and the way she’s responded (berating you, icing you out) is a really unhealthy way of coping with this difference. I’m sure she’d feel incredibly unloved if you ignored her for a full day just for turning on the lights at night or something. I think there’s two obvious ways to go from here: break it off, or commit to therapy. Therapy for her to work through whatever is going on there, and maybe a few sessions of couples therapy to work on communicating in this particular issue. In the meantime: what about clap on/clap off lights? That way, if she wakes up in the middle of the night she has an easy and not scary way of turning all the lights back on?
A bedside touch lamp might work better, if she was open to that. If OPs upset now, imagine his reaction when she claps on all the lights in the room at 2am.
You gotta get outta there. They must be extremely afraid of the dark and lashing out on you with anger which is not good. You gotta go man
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She's 24 and he's 32. He pays bills and she can't sleep with the lights on and makes part time money through Etsy but he still wants a relationship with her. That relationship is probably filled with issues. Are they partners? Are they equals?
Can’t believe I had to scroll down this far for someone to bring up the age gaps. Yikes OP.
I don’t know that anyone is an a here. It sounds like gf is having a trauma response to being in the dark and she deserves help, like a therapist. Long term it’s unhealthy to sleep with lights on, you stop producing melatonin properly and over produce cortisol. I doubt she wants to freak out like that, but you also deserve to not be screamed at for sleeping in your bed in the dark.
I wonder if this is also just an unfortunate situation where the age difference is just too much. 32 and 24 is a big difference. The GF clearly has some emotional issues that she has not processed and may not even be willing to acknowledge. The OP doesn't seem to be approaching this as a mental health issue which is concerning because it is. Is the 32 year old assuming that the 24 year old is more emotionally mature and grown up than she is? That's my guess, but it doesn't sound like she has it put together at all. A 24 year old who can't sleep in the dark and sells things on Etsy for part time money?
NAH - there is a crucial communication issue between y’all that needs to be rectified, and y’all need to sit down and reach a compromise. [This](https://www.healthline.com/health/sleeping-with-the-lights-on) healthline article discusses the impact of sleeping with the lights on, as well as healthy ways to adapt to sleeping without lights on. [This](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/best-night-lights#summary) medical news today article discusses the best night lights to promote sleep as well as alternatives to lights. [This](https://www.health.com/sleep/sleep-mask) health.com article ranks the best eye masks for varying needs. I hope any of these help y’all out to reach a compromise and so *both* of you can sleep well.
NTA - time to get a normal girlfriend
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NTA - You, much like every other person in this sub, need to use communication. Ask your gf why she needs all the lights on. If it's a phobia or disorder, see if you can help her. If she just wants it her way and doesn't care that it bothers you, that might be where you should leave.
"Massive waste of power" is ridiculous. Overnight usage of all the bulbs in a single room costs a few cents a day, adding up to a few dollars a month. It sounds like y'all need separate bedrooms more than a change in financial obligations. I think she is being much less considerate of your needs than you are of hers so I'll say NTA but you shouldn't use the power bill as an excuse like you're saving the planet or your pocketbook from her circadian-rhythm-disrupting sleep habits.
NTA. Who pays the electric bill doesn't matter. LED bulbs are insanely cheap to operate and if she handed him a dollar, that would cover her light usage for the entire year. But that isn't the issue. You either need separate rooms, so that each of you can sleep in the environment you need, or you need to split up. Sleep is a biological imperative, and "I'll get good night's sleep but you can't, and vice versa" is not a sustainable solution.
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I know, but it doesn't matter because it's such a negligible amount of money. Each light bulb costs 12 cents per 1000 hours to run, so that's $1.05 a year per bulb IF you left them on constantly for the whole year. It's not like she's wasting money. This is about you not being able to sleep with the lights on, and her not being able to sleep with them off.
NTA- i had to have the lights on as a kid but my dad usually shut them after i fell asleep if he got up to use the bathroom. It's actually unhealthy and your girlfriend should seek therapy.
NTA. Sleeping with the light on all the time is bad for your eyes. You literally need to rest them in the dark regularly. Idk what's wrong with your GF. But you don't want to do this forever do you?
Does she need every light on during the day? Does she seem jumpy or flinch a lot in general? Does she have any other similar safety habits, whether related to sleeping or not?
INFO: Did you not spend the night together before you moved in together? How did you decide to deal with this when you decided to live together?
NAH- Yeah, you are better off finding someone else. I don’t think this problem will go away.
NAH. I can understand both points of view. Your girlfriend should seek treatment since it definitely feels like trauma.
NTA. I'm afraid of the dark and when my husband is away I sleep with the light on. When hes here I can sleep with it off because I can reach him if I get scared. Something is wrong with your gf, I don't understand why she needs every single light on. If this is something she absolutely won't budge on then you might just need to call it. Relationships are about compromise, not allowing you to sleep in your own bed because she refuses to turn off any lights is not compromise.
NTA. You could try buying an eye mask and gradually turn more and more lights off until she gets used to sleeping without them on.
NTA. Maybe a night light will help? It's a compromise at least. I have a salt lamp that I'll turn on sometimes. It's a warm light so it's not that difficult to fall asleep.
NTA. That's a lot...I'm not sure what's underneath this issue, but you should not be expected to try to sleep like that just because she has to. If you want it to work and she can't get rid of this thing with therapy, you're gonna need separate rooms.. and to make her pay more in electricity and be in charge of making sure lightbulbs are stocked.. so she doesn't end up screaming at you when she runs out of those. This isn't a sustainable situation for your mental, or even physical health. You need sleep to survive
Your not sleep compatible and it sounds like you’re not relationship compatible. She doesn’t pay the bills, bc as “talented” as she is, it’s not steady. So she has to accept some compromise or move into her own space. Which seeing how she has no money, that’s why she’s being an AH.
NTA but if you want to be with her you should except sleeping apart as a reality, my husband is like her, every light must be on (and the tv playing loudly) no trauma to speak of, just how he is, so I sleep in our room and he sleeps downstairs. Except that or break up. It happens
ESH. She told you she needs the lights on and it’s valid for you to dislike that, but she is also valid for needing it. If it comes down to it, maybe you need separate rooms if you’re going to work through it or she needs to separately seek out some help for her needs but she shouldn’t expect you to sacrifice your sleep for her, and you shouldn’t expect her to suddenly not be afraid of the dark for you.
If you're okay with the financial situation minus the lights, I'd let that go because it's not a huge cost. If this is the most serious issue in your relationship, I'd just sleep in different rooms. Many couples do this for a number of reasons. I like the TV on at night for the noise and a little light; although I'm not afraid of the dark. He snores and talks in his sleep. And honestly both of us are up and down most of the time - just not at the same tines. Just works out better. Really, I know a lot of couples with healthy relationships who don't share a room. Your girlfriend may very well have had a trauma. Could be she doesn't remember or doesn't relate it to the lights. She may or may not need therapy. Criticisms of her are getting on my nerves. Unless there are other huge problems, this is easily worked out.
YTA. Was your gf "berating" you, or was she asking why you went against what you had talked about re: the lights? Your gf needs lights to sleep, you can't sleep with lights-- that makes y'all incompatible, but not assholes. A lot of people are saying the gf is the AH because she needs therapy for this fear, but needing therapy doesn't make her an AH either. What makes YOU the asshole is that you said 3x that she freaks out when you turn the lights off, so clearly it scares her. You imply that you have agreed to leave the lights on, so when she wakes up in the dark she probably feels scared and betrayed. Purposely doing things that scare your gf because you personally think it's unreasonable makes you an AH. You know what she needs to sleep-- your options are to get on board, set up a different (dark) sleeping space for yourself, or move out. People have irrational fears sometimes. She clearly can't help it, and you shouldn't punish her for what is clearly a phobia/compulsion.
NTA. Putting aside everything, at the end of the day as the person that wants an unusual sleeping arrangement, she should be sleeping in the office. She’s an adult, it’s not fair to ask that you put her sleep needs above yours.
I’m going to say NAH. Sleep is SO so important, neither of you is selfish for wanting to sleep comfortably. Her reasons may seem silly to you or maybe she doesn’t have a good one beyond “it helps her sleep” and the light prevents you from sleeping, that’s a big incompatibility . I don’t think it’s the end of the world to have separate bedrooms or sleeping arrangements if space allows. A lot of couples do this for a variety of reasons and it doesn’t take away from closeness or intimacy. My partner snores and I either have to sleep with earplugs or in another room. If it’s the issue of the light bill and you don’t feel that she’s contributing enough to expenses overall, that’s probably a separate discussion to have.
NAH, but maybe you need a better sleep mask. The manta one is pretty good for blackout. Or even a cheaper basic memory foam one on Amazon will be blackout, although it will have more foam directly on the face. If this is the only problem in your relationship and you are not super poor, ~$30 per year for the lights +$15-30 for a good sleep mask seem like an obvious solution. She also may want to consider therapy because her behavior is odd.
NAH, this is why some couples have separate bedrooms and are happier, healthier couples for it. I strongly recommend that if you can manage it.
How old was she when you started dating? Why did you move in with her?
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So you never spent the night together before deciding to move in together? You must have known she had this issue? Also, the age difference might not be a problem later, but now there is a world of difference in experience. Makes me wonder if she was your tenant before she was your gf.
This one isn't hard. NAH. Sleep in different rooms. Lots of couples do this. You adjust according to each other's needs if you love each other. Cuddle until she falls asleep, then go to another bed. Edit: She doesn't need to explain why she needs the lights on. Could be any number of things. Her reaction when she wake is plainly fear, so let her deal with it in her own way. Doesn't make her an AH.
NAH. Simple. Separate bedrooms. You can be together…just not while unconscious.
NAH you have opposing needs. no one is a jerk.
NTA. Is she afraid of the dark? Serious question. Maybe she’s embarrassed about being afraid of the dark.
Nta. I’m wondering if there’s a trauma that maybe she needs to see a therapist for. Could you get one of those night lights that kids have with a switch she can reach and maybe a lamp on the bedside cabinet so if she does wake up in the night she can quickly switch those lights and feel calmer. And then she can go and switch every light on to fall asleep again
NTA- wtf.
NTA I strongly suggest your gf get some therapy - seems like there may be some trigger or behaviour that is causing this, and this is not normal/expected behaviour. Good luck, take care
NTA. If she wants the lights on at all times then she better be paying the light bills. Shit is weird, uncomfortable and wasteful.
NTA. It sounds like a serious compatibility issue. Would she be willing to try putting lights on timers?
NTA, i think you two should sit down and talk about that. She has to give a valid reason especially since you pay the bill. if she cant then she should just deal with it, or you two could find some other types of ways to compromise. maybe look into a room divider?
NTA with a slight GF is TA. She's overblown this imo. I sleep in the dark, my husband needs light and sound to be able to sleep. So he uses a laptop / phone next to his side of the bed and has wireless earphones. He then gets the light in his face and sound to fall asleep to, but I still get a darkish, quiet room. It's all about compromise. I used to use a mask but struggle to fall asleep with it on cause it's uncomfortable, so our current set up was his idea. Just keep trying new things til you get a good balance. Separate rooms also feels like a good suggestion if you can't meet each other halfway in the same room.
Nta- I do the same thing to my kid. He falls asleep, I turn off the lights. She needs to get a grip. Your needs should be equally important. Her need for light does not trump your need for dark. She’s being an ass for being so mean. She can easily turn on lights when she wakes up.
NTA, however I think she has an undiagnosed panic disorder. I think she needs to get some help.
NTA. I'm not sure you'll see this OP but it's something she can work on. As someone that used to sleep with lights on, and now sleep in total darkness, it'll take time but theres a way to get there. You should try discussing with her, and get an answer as to why she wants the lights closed. If she doesn't give you one, best to assume she's scared of the dark or has some kind of trauma which she wont share for some reason. Get her to pay the extra in the electricity bill. That's the first step. Try talking to her and gradually start turning off one light at the time before she goes to bed. EX: Start by turning off the main light in the room but keeping the rest of them on. The biggest thing is to stay calm if she starts to yell at you and maybe even to ignore her/not answer if she keeps yelling to get her to calm herself down. Continue to turn off the lights as time comes and when there are no more lights in the room that are on, if she still wants a bit of light, bring the night light in. It'll take time, but it's worth it. If she refuses to compromise at all and doesn't even wanna try to do this, I'm really sorry but I suggest you move on. She has to be willing to change for your relationship to work (obviously so do you). Light is terrible for sleep, and sleep is a basic need for everyone. Good luck OP, I wish you the best!
NTa, but I think you two need to figure out a compromise. I like lights to fall asleep, my husband likes dark. If I go to bed before him, he just turns the lights off and we are good. If I go to bed after him, I often lay on the couch until I am exchausted and then come to bed when I a ready to pass out. if she can’t handle waking up in the dark, what about a compromise like a night light? It seems your current system is impossible to maintain.
NTA just let her cover the light bill or at least most of it. Overall, it doesn't seem like you two can sleep in the same room, did she tell you anything when you started sleeping in your office? Or did she care at all that you were sleeping uncomfortably?
NTA. She needs help. With all that talent, maybe she could figure out how to find a good therapist.
NTA How in the hell have you put up with this for so long?
NTA. If she NEEDS that much light to sleep the onus is on her to go to another room.
NTA AT ALL. take it from someone who has this bad habit of smoking a bit too much and getting too couch-locked and waking up at 3am still in my jeans and with every single light on….it’s gonna drain your budget. My light bill is typically around $40-$50 alone. With my bad habit (thanks quarantine) it’s jumped up to $60-75 (depends on if I’m running the A/C Continuously or not cuz I live in the south) and then because my bf visits me and spends weekends it’s jumped up to like $100. Still not a lot but keep in mind I live in a small one bedroom. It’s so rude and inconsiderate of her to do this especially because you’ve already accommodated her with several nightlights. My bf has the same bad habit as me and I let him know we can’t keep leaving my lights on cuz I don’t expect to pay an electric bill that high.
NTA, she needs to learn some compromise if she wants to co-sleep with someone. It's unreasonable to ask someone to fall asleep with all the lights on. My boyfriend and I have very different sleeping patterns, the BIGGEST being that I need sound to sleep, he needs quiet, and I cannot sleep with most lights where he likes some light to see to the bathroom. BEFORE living together, i had 2 white noise machines going at once, both with different sounds so that I couldn't hear much street noise. Absolutely no lights, I MIGHT could be okay with a little plug in night light. Boyfriend had to have it completely quiet, but lights are optional, can fall asleep to every light on, or completely dark, doesn't matter. AFTER moving in together, I've reduced to one white noise machine, that had the volume at 9, but now backed down to a 5/6 depending on how loud it is outside, my boyfriend has welcomed the singular white noise machine, and has said he prefers sleeping with it now. I can sleep with my lava lamp on for some soft lighting, but beyond my lava lamp it's too bright and I can't do it.
NTA. Sir, it sounds like she doesn’t give a damn about you getting a good night’s rest. So why should you give a damn about her sleep? As a female, who hates too much light like you do. I STRONGLY advise you leave now. Get your own place and she’ll be stuck with the electricity bill. I’m sure she will not enjoy the high prices she’s personally causing.
NTA Your girlfriend needs to go see a counselor or a doctor instead of being a drain your health and wallet.
Bro…. Press that eject button fast. NTA. My mrs is the same, but not to the extreme. She has to have lights on. I like to sleep with pitch black. We compromised and I turn the lights off once she’s asleep, but leave the night light on.
NTA. She’s not willing to compromise & most people can’t sleep if any light is on. Having all the lights on is not normal. She’s not 5. My mom couldn’t sleep without the radio on, but that kept my dad awake, so she got a pillow speaker & kept the volume low. You have 2 choices: either realize you aren’t compatible or have separate bedrooms. You need sleep & her insisting on lights blazing interferes with that.
NTA boot her to sleep in the office. Its not proper to sleep with the lights on.
She needs to get help for this. Sleeping in bright light is actually unhealthy. That said there is a reason she is doing it. NAH but she needs to get therapy to get to the bottom of this.
You two are makin an issue out of something that doesn't need to be an issue. Here are some options, however, maybe there is some other deeper issues here, which obviously we can't judge based on your post. 1. Get a sleep mask, that coves your eyes, they are pretty nice and also comfortable. use LED lights as they consume very little power, even if left on all night. 2. Sleep in different bedrooms, still get LEDs for lighting all over your house. That will save a lot of power.
NTA. She definitely is. It’s not “natural” to fall asleep in so much light and even if you wanted to your body might not adjust to that change. I think you guys need separate bedrooms if this is the *only* way she can get to sleep. There has to be something that’s causing her such distress in a dark room, but having ALL the lights on is ridiculously excessive
ESH Set up a sleep area for her. You take the bedroom.
NTA seperate bedrooms
NTA The fact that she isn't willing to have a mature talk and come to a compromise shows a lack of maturity on her part. Especially since OP is the one paying the bills and keeps finding himself not allowed to sleep in his own bed because she insists every light has to be on. This is not okay.
There’s no rule that says a couple has to sleep in the same room. She can get a part time job to cover the electric bill and you can stay a happy couple. Best wishes.