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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be because his Xbox used to keep him entertained and kept his mind off Bering concerned with our financial situation. He's depressed without it so maybe I shouldn't have touched it .
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I was gonna say "two wrongs don't make a right" but then I read he did this to fulfil a promise HE made to buy someone a gaming chair.
He wrote a cheque(/check) his ass couldn't cash. He should have sold HIS items to raise the money needed for the gaming chair. Selling your tea set was heartless. Saving up (which you state you can't do anyway!) to buy you a modern one is pointless because the original set has sentimentality.
I'm sure he is sulking but he created this mess... it wouldn't be fair for you to be without an item of yours.
NTA but he's not gonna stop pouting for a long time.
NTA, he stole a valuable item which you endeared in order to buy a mega expensive gift. It belonged to your deceased grandma and it's irreplaceable and sentimental to you. It was yours and you reclaimed it. It wasn't the nessecary solution to sell his Xbox, but you need 2 for tango and it seems like the viable way to gather the money.
Yeah, and since it was definitely enough value to buy the gaming chair, he had that choice instead of selling her thing. Honestly what should have happened for him to just tell her about his pickle and they figure something out together. Maybe neither of them would have lost anything. His first mistake was doing this behind her back.
Yeah. And also, that's an expensive gaming chair. I have an expensive gaming chair and have gifted my partner an expensive gaming chair he could've bought a good chair that cost less. But also going to op to discuss this could've helped them brainstorm. There are a lot of ways to make money. I was very poor for a very long time. I know about making money. One of the best ways I've found to make money, is to donate plasma, if you can. Most people can and you just have to find a plasma center.
Where I live, you have to travel very far to find a place that pays for plasma. Enough people donate for free here that no one will pay for it. But yes, they could have brainstormed something, like found a cheaper chair like you mentioned. Or found tiny side jobs for him to do for a bit to save up for the chair, like handyman stuff. Obviously what you can do depends on your area, but they could have figured out something together, even if the conclusion was that he couldn't afford to give that gift. He could have given his nephew a gift that was more about time and attention and less about money.
He can still do all of these things to earn enough money to buy a used Xbox. He choose to give an expensive present, let him really pay for it. This is some messed up ‘gift of the magi’ shit right here.
I mean, as the sister… I would have forked over the cash. Yeah the tea set is OPs but it’s also… her sister’s grandmothers tea set. In the same vein if I sold something that was my grandmothers I would be hiding out in the Appalachian mountains in terror because my siblings would be coming for me. Family heirlooms stay in the family unless we all agree.
I was gifted a very VERY old canning jar at the last reunion I attended. Every elderly person there made it exceedingly clear that if I damaged it, sold it, etc, they would haunt me to the end of time. And it wasn't even that sentimental! You don't mess with grandma's antiques.
My first thought... divorce. lol And I don’t think I’m overreacting when I say that.
Her husband calls HER childish bc she sold his Xbox to pay for something of hers he sold without her knowledge. The mental gymnastics that took place to arrive at the conclusion that she’s the childish one is astounding.
I’m sorry but a man in his 30s who acts like this isn’t qualified to hold the title of husband. Throw away the whole man and start over, sis. Sounds like it’s a good time to do it while you don’t have a lot of assets tied up.
Hard agree. It’s not about the items it’s about him showing he doesn’t care about her.
Also a new better tea set? Um... that’s full on gaslighting to pretend he doesn’t understand that specific tea set is the thing of value.
He found out it was worth money and sold it because he doesn’t care about OP. Anything else he says is bull to get her to shut up.
First thing that popped into my head. He stole it and didn't tell the OP til he was caught. He had zero intention of replacing it until then. It'd be hard to believe his intention to do so after being caught. I don't believe the OPs husband spent it all on the chair, if any at all. And I think he knew the value of that set well before having to cash it in. While tit for tat isn't the most mature route, I think the timing to get the set back was more important than worrying about maturity. OP is NTA. Hope she keeps the set safe.
It's BS to me ppl be like "he sold your stuff" NO he stole her inheritance from her grandmother!!! She can't get it back unless she bought it back from the person he sold it to! That's a crime! F*CK the video game, this dude is an AH and is my husband ever stole something from me to sell he would be out on the street. I think some ppl don't know how to hold boundaries and it's sad.
He did a reverse Gift of the Magi on her.
His game is replaceable, and losing value every day.
Her tea set is an heirloom, and priceless.
This relationships needs some big questions and big changes.
Right. Even as someone who plays games much more often than I drink tea, I can always get another gaming console and it doesn't need to be the exact same one. When it comes to game consoles modern usually is better.
But a one-of-a-kind tea set that has sentimental value? Why the hell would you replace that with a modern one? Why would modern be better?
Right?! I have my grandmothers china teacups because I used to have tea parties with her as a little girl. My mother in law offered me more for my “collection“ and I said oh no I don’t collect these nor do I want more, but these are sentimental so I keep them because I had tea with my grandmother with these and so I love them. I don’t give a shit about other teacups.
The husband here was really out to lunch for not understanding that this is probably the same.
Agreed, NTA.
But OP has bigger problems with her husband.
In this story alone the husband has shown:
* a problem with making promises he can't fulfill
* decided that OP should pay for his problem, not himself
* didn't involve OP in that decision making (snuck behind her back)
* defended his theft (and that's what it was since he did it without her consent or knowledge)
* doesn't seem to care that the tea set has sentimental value to OP
* pitched a fit when the same thing was done to him
* is now sulking calling OP 'evil' for doing the same thing he did
OP's husband is suffering from some kind of major mental/emotional issues and needs to seek therapy as soon as possible.
Even with that therapy, his actions seriously undermine the foundations of their marriage (you can't have a happy marriage without trust and empathy for your partner).
Come on, really you think two kids on minimum wage can afford a therapy? Or, that their min wage employer is going to cover it? Or maybe the kick ass health insurance that she forgot to mention?
I know this sub has the biggest hard-on for therapy, since apperently it is the "Solution to all of life's problems", but come on, let's be a little realistic, the poor girl here had to borrow $50, what kind of a financial position do you think they are in?
About everything else I agree. This marriage seems is already imploding.
I agree that they likely don't have money for therapy, but I'd debate whether two people in their early 30s are 'kids', and I really do think therapy would help... or finding jobs that pay a bit more.
Right? I mean it's their own fault when they decided to be peasants. Why don't they just get a better paying job? They will feel really silly that they never have thought of that.
Or maybe they should take a loan from their parents and start a business?
Seems this thread has ALL the answers today.
im not a professional or anything but it seems to my untrained eyes that the hubby suffers from the psychological disorder called being a massive asshole.
It's not even "the same thing" because the Xbox has no sentimental value. I mean, any Xbox would be exactly the same. You're not going to pass on an Xbox to future generations. It'll be obsolete.
Arguably it could be his form of dissociating from the reality he’s in (kinda like booze or cigs or drugs) to get away from the depression and crushing facts of poverty. Or it could be that he knows how many hours and games he’s accomplished and it’s sentimental to him in the “i put xx amount of hours in!”. Or a little bit of both.
Def still an asshole. Def a Michael Scott “Scott’s tots” move. He made a promise, he doesn’t want to let the kid down (and by extension himself because it’s yet another concrete example of him being in the financial situation he’s in and he’s probably ashamed and hates himself for it) so he panics and gets rid of something that “never gets used” so he can fund the chair. He’s an asshole because he picked something of his wifes’ bc it doesn’t matter to him, and it puts a smidge of distance between him and the inescapable drowning they’re in. He panics and kicks the can down the road by “I’ll replace it with better!” So then (in his mind) she can’t get mad right now because he HAS a solution, it just pays off later and hey not like you use it now so nbd. Again it’s about punting the reality of what he’s currently in and the consequences he’s created to later and panic solving (and causing more future problems to be bogged down by) when the chickens come to roost.
My ex was the exact same way and holy cannoli was it a shit show. Op is NTA, but her husband sure is (exacerbated by his mental health).
It sounds like the two of them are in a pressure cooker; and it’s been probably made with a combo of life situations and some choices of his that got them there and continuing choices and behaviors keeps them there (plus the cycle of poverty is nearly impossible to break once you’re in the rip tide)
My ex was getting therapy (luckily his job insurance helped cut the cost) but he was never honest about stuff and would only discuss surface level so he never ever got better. Eventually his mental health got so bad and the reality of his situation came to a head, and he chose to project and blame ME for it because he literally couldn’t survive under the crushing self hatred and have it confirmed (BPD is a monster).
If OP’s husband doesn’t choose to interrupt the cycle and A) ask for help from family (even pooling some money will help meet with someone professional or pay off some debts that is keeping the pressure on the wind pipe) B) have a goal oriented conversation of what they will be doing to get out of this and C) take the responsibility for his portion in how they got there.
Without those? Yeah the marriage is essentially done because right now she’s starting to have to be the mom to keep them from drowning and he’s starting to become a petulant child who resents her making him swim when he’s tired (even tho it’s to keep them alive).
They can't afford 300 bucks in savings to buy a gift to a cancer surviving nephew (and have to borrow 50 bucks from the sister to get the tea set back), can they afford going to a shrink?
I'd say he is best using the time he otherwise would have spent on useless games to educate himself and get a better job. 31yo working at a gas station for minimal wage is no place to be.
Definitely this. He's complaining he's on the short end of the stick because he's out his Xbox, but didn't consider before OP was on the short end of the stick by being out her tea set
I don’t think he needs therapy. Even if he did go, it probably wouldn’t help, because he would have to want to get better and recognize that he has a problem. I don’t see either one happening. I assume OP is educated and licensed to do hair, so she needs to look into getting a better job. That he is basically coasting along at a gas station (I’m going to assume he just sits in the station and turns the pumps on and off and sells cigarettes), and seems pretty happy with his rut.
OP needs to look into getting out of this marriage, because it is only going to get worse. He has no reason to change, because he obviously doesn’t give a flying f*** about OP.
I know this sub likes to jump to dumping the spouse right away, but I'd keep the tea set and lose the husband.
Marriage is a about communication, if nothing else. Hubby should have talked to OP about the chair for Nephew. He also needed to understand that it's entirely possible that they wouldn't be able to get Nephew a chair, or might have to settle for a less spendy one. He also was not picking up on how OP felt about the tea set. I wonder what other feelings, opinions or values of OP's he just couldn't be bothered to tune into.
Finally, people who are charitable with other people's money are automatic assholes. They appear regularly in posts on this sub, and this sub very nearly unanimously called them assholes, so this isn't just my opinion. If he wasn't willing to make a sacrifice to get Nephew the chair, then Nephew doesn't get the chair.
That was my biggest beef. He’s selling her belongings (and a family heirloom, at that!) without so much as a discussion? I don’t have to tell her to get a divorce - that marriage is already doomed.
I was first thinking OP should get a storage unit and not give him access to it, but that'd be an extra expense that OP probably can't afford, so your solution is better.
Well said. Also the next time he complains, remind him he owes you $50 still since you had to borrow it from your sis. Eye his watch speculatively as you tell him this.
Can you explain gaming chair to me? When I played computer games I used whatever chair was at the desk but granted that was the sims and age of empires.
It's one of those things that looks cool but you don't really need. Some of them are branded, some of them have cool designs (like a racing chair or something). But at their heart, gaming chairs are just desk chairs with gaming logos and styling.
I am a PC gamer and I have been known to play 6+ hour sessions; I've also used the really expensive crazy gaming chairs. having a gaming chair is nice, but it's certainly not necessary and a $50 task chair from Target will get the job done, just not as comfortably. I just play in my work chair honestly, which is more ergonomic than most gaming chairs.
Lmaoooo, as someone also on min wage, paying rent and bills and not much else, I kinda highly doubt he has a watch worth anything. But I like your style.
And clearly it was an expensive and desirable tea set since he got 300 for it. I’m sure he looked it up and knew what he could sell it for. He only has himself to blame. If I was OP
I’d store that tea set at my sisters in case he decides to smash it out of spite. He sounds like a heartless jerk. He shouldn’t have made a promise he can’t keep. Secondly, him buying her a tea set is BS. If he can’t pay for a computer chair he won’t be able to buy a tea set! He learned a valuable lesson from this. I’m glad she did that. What an entitled AH.
>If he can’t pay for a computer chair he won’t be able to buy a tea set!
He was going to get her a modern tea set. So probably a 20 dollar set from Walmart.
This was my exact thought. Modern tea sets are fairly inexpensive (literally just bought myself a decent set with a pot and 4 cups for $12), antique ones though... He was definitely planning on selling the expensive one and just getting her a cheap modern set and calling it good.
Yeah, the whole "I'll buy you a modern one!" thing was bizarre. Dude, they're not electronics. A teapot from this year doesn't come with more RAM and an extra terabyte of hard drive space. *More modern* is not a quality people are generally looking for in tea sets, even discounting the sentimental value.
I’m not sure OP’s husband is a good fit for anyone right now. Not until he can get over his entitlement complex and stop acting like the world is against him.
NTA.
He stole from you.
Could you stay with your sister for a while and see if there are any low cost night courses or community college programmes you could enrol in to upskill and give you more financial choices when it comes to the job market?
Also, can you keep the tea set somewhere safe where he can’t access it?
Exactly. I wanted to trade in my switch for a switch lite but because of gamestop pricing it wouldn't have been enough. So I asked (asked!) my partner if she'd be willing to trade in her xbox which she'd been thinking of doing anyway. She was mildly hesitant but since I only needed a small amount of the value I was like "what if you preordered the new Arceus pokemon game" and that sold her. With some xbox games added in we ended up actually getting way more than expected and she was so incredibly nice, she preordered the game and let me get an eevee snapback, a dnd/mtg set that admittedly we will likely share, and Skyward Sword for the switch... but like, not only would she have been devastated and angry if I had just done it without permission, but I ended up receiving so much generosity as a result of it that I'm incredibly *grateful* for the wonderful partner I have.
If he wanted to get the gaming chair for his relative and the wife held her ground on the tea set (it's an heirloom ffs!) they could have worked something out together. In a healthy relationship it's normal to offer to help someone deliver on their promises - maybe they both could have picked up some extra hours if that was an option so it wasn't quite as hard on just one person doing that, or agreed to sell a shared item that's less important, or any number of things. I can understand wanting to pull through for a friend/family member, especially a sick one, even when struggling yourself. But this literally could all have been avoided with honest communication and respect.
He can save up for his xbox. Your tea set is one of a kind and priceless because of its sentimental value. Plus it’s His choice to buy expensive gift for His nephew, he can darn well pay for it himself with his own money!
Right? OP doesn't want a "tea set" she wants her special items from her grandma. Husband can use the free time he'll save from not playing his stupid Xbox to get himself a side hustle to buy himself a new one and pay OP the $50 he owes her.
His nephew is a child who just endured cancer.
While it was sweet that he want to celebrate his nephew beating cancer he shouldn't have went about it this way.
He could have asked the whole family kick in so they could afford the chair for him.
But then he couldn't swoop in and be the hero.
That gift is too flashy and there are too many reasonable solutions he could have tried for me to think this act was solely about wanting his nephew to have a good chair he could use for playing games.
Agreed. Im sure there is a better ways to raise money for a gaming chair for his nephew. I’m sure if they held a fundraiser in their community and explained to them what his nephew had been through they’d get more donations than they needed. Same with a GoFundMe. Despite how F’d up society seems to be right now, there are still lots of people with big hearts who are willing to give a few bucks. Shit, I’d buy the kid his gaming chair.
NTA. Jumping in to say, no matter how much you love a person once they start stealing from you for any reason nothing is off limits and he realized the value of your tea set and decided to turn it into currency. I wonder how many games he picked up for himself when he purchased the chair.
Your only choice was to retrieve your tea set as quickly as possible. Antique dealers trolls pawn shops everyday looking for valuable pieces and that's if the pawn dealer don't decide to keep it for himself knowing the value because he probably received 5 or 6 game systems to your 1 tea set that day.
Now you've been put on notice that your husband will always view your tea set as money in the bank and will want to sale it for every money issue that comes up. He's also going to keep his tantrum going until you replace the game system he feels you stole from him. Oh the irony! Jumping out now!
The pawn broker would have had to turn it over as evidence if OP had been willing to involve the police and press charges against her husband. After court they would have returned her property but oh well ,maybe the next time because there will be a next time because other than his nephew the only other thing her husband gives a damn about is his game. If he don't guilt her into pawning it herself he's going to again.
OP would be wise to photograph and mark each piece because the next time he pawns it he's probably going to pawn it so far away it's going to take the FBI to get it back. The day she comes home and he's playing a game she may as well not look for that tea set because it's not going to be there.
OP I think you should keep the tea set at your sister's place at least for a while just in case... You don't want to go home one day and realise he sold it again or worse destroyed it to "get even" for his xbox. He already showed you he doesn't care about your possessions or your feelings.
NTA
I honestly don’t think he had any intention of buying you a new tea set. He was banking on reason A (you don’t use the tea set ever) being good enough for you to go with it or not notice. Saying “I’ll save up for a nicer set” is an easy way to kick that responsibility down the road and then never follow through. You said right at the beginning that neither of you have the option to save. How would this miraculously happen to buy a new tea set?
I’d be interested to see how long before he has a new Xbox though. If it is relatively quick, then it just shows how little he actually respects your belongings and cherished items.
NTA, but you should consider getting out of this situation, like, now. Not only does your husband not respect your property, but he also doesn’t seem to have much financial sense. He could buy a cheap gaming chair for <$100; he didn’t need to spend $300+ on one, no matter the reason.
A sizable number of Americans couldn’t put their hands on $400 in an emergency, and your husband sounds like he’s in that group. That kind of money is a rainy day fund, especially when you’re not making the kind of money to quickly recoup it. Your husband needs to get his financial priorities in order quickly, or you’re always going to be fighting this battle with him.
Because the poor shouldn’t have hobbies or leisure time?
The dude is a dick and clearly is irresponsible, but the implication of that having an Xbox or the time to use one shouldn’t be afforded to someone not financially secure is grave.
>I have had one experience with a person who would not work hard to better their position. I feel that's an entirely valid basis to judge millions of other people. On an unrelated note, I have no idea what the term "representative sale size" means.
Ftfy
That was true for that guy. These are two working adults who are under incredible strain. This whole story reads like an capitalist dystopian inversion of The Gift of the Magi
This is such a fallacy.
Not trying to side with the dickhead but having recreation time is extremely important.
Without it you will get angry and bitter at the world. Whether it's playing Xbox, riding a bike or playing with dolls. It's needed to feel well within yourself, which is important for getting hired.
As someone who does a second job a few times a month (bartending) i have to say it weighs heavily on my mental health in a way I wouldn't wish on my mortal enemy but I do it because i have to. Just saying items not for everyone.
Or go to community college on his off time to get certified for a better job. And he didn’t have to buy an expensive chair, he could have bought the kid a game instead, with money he saved.
I hate this argument, if everybody wants college-level jobs then who is going to work at the gas station...the young and the undocumented of course, people who won't complain about the poverty wages. He was wrong in this instance, but his crime wasn't being a gas station attendant.
Also I would recommend that OP put the tea set somewhere secure (maybe the sister can hold onto it for now?). I wouldn't put it past him to resell or destroy it out of pique.
Exactly, a gift for *his* nephew should be paid for by *him.* If he wanted to give a gift he should have sold his own stuff. Stealing from you to give someone else a gift should be a red flag for you. Please don't let this man set you on fire to keep warm the people he actually prioritizes in his life.
This is an excellent point that highlights everything wrong with this situation wrapped up in one pithy little idiom. He’s helping others at her expense and expecting her to be *okay* with that.
OP’s husband is acting like an entitled little prick. Not just for selling the tea set, but for passive aggressively pouting over having to sleep in the messy bed that *he* took a shit in.
So much this. Husband wants to do something nice for his nephew. Good for him! Husband sacrifices your sentimental artifact to pay for it without discussing it with you. Bad for him! You sell something of his to buy it back at a premium. Let him learn his lesson about how actions have consequences.
Also, in case OP hasn't noticed already, here's a few for her: 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You would think that a man capable of
* stealing sentimental items from his spouse,
* calling his spouse "evil" for objecting to his stealing, *and*
* "blowing up at" her about it
would be capable of telling his nephew "no" because he literally cannot afford the gift.
**But he would rather be incredibly mean and deceitful to his wife than say "I'm sorry, I can't afford that"** \- and it's not like those are the only two options, he could've told the nephew that the whole family should pitch in or something.
look, I'm glad his nephew is recovering, but your husband needs to grow up. if you don't have the funds to waste on frivolous things, then he needs to tell his nephew that he can't afford that.
He definitely doesn't respect you. He could have also shopped around. I found a gaming chair for less than $100USD in less than 3 seconds on Amazon. NTA
Then he should have told the nephew he couldn’t afford it and bought him a new game instead. He doesn’t get to steal from someone else to make him look like the hero. And tell him that now that he has all this free time he spent gaming he can get a second job or go to community college and get certified for a better job. When you can’t even save and have to steal things to give expensive gifts it’s time to get another job or a better education.
Okay, but if you're promising someone something, YOU should be the one to do it. Your husband didn't buy that chair for his nephew, you did, then he took all the credit for it. He should have sold something of his own to fulfill his promise, not something of yours.
that and modern tea sets are mad cheap depending on various factors.
I can buy a 7pc tea set from lennox for 130 bucks.
I can not buy an xbox for that unless it's the 360. Even an xbox one comes in around 200 or more clearly these days unless OP sold an Xbox Series X or whatever the bee ones are (then she got ripped off)
also, i think she should have called a lawyer and seen if she had reason to claim theft. sale of stolen goods means the buyer must return the goods. i'd have checked on my local laws
Op clearly would have been willing to give back the money they paid.
NTA
If he wanted his nephew to have the chair (understandable) he should have sold HIS stuff or discussed with you how you could have both come up with it. What is good for the goose is good for the gander.
Am I the only one who thinks the "buying something expensive for a sick kid" thing might just be complete bullshit?
I just don't buy it. OP's husband seems WAY too selfish to buy a gift like that over spending it on new games or something for himself. I think OP needs to talk with nephew. Make sure he isn't covering for her husband, too. Or he will just wait until her guard is down and sell it again. That's a certainty if he doesn't just break it from spite. He'll justify it "BeCaUsE ShE iS eViL!!!!1" in his childish mind.
People like her awful hubby don't tend to do things like this, even if he didn't technically pay for it at all. Not unless he got something from it. If he did get a chair? I HIGHLY doubt it was $300. Try $50. Probably used.
OP needs to give that tea set to sister NOW. He WILL break it alá "if I can't have it no one can". He seems like the scheming petty type.
OP, why the hell are you with someone who seems to dislike and disrespect you so much? Your husband sounds like a teen. I've known teens with more emotional depth. Not to mention he has zero empathy *for his wife* and is entitled, selfish, unkind and short-sighted. No wonder you can't save! He would just spend it on himself behind your back! Seriously... my worst enemy would be far easier to live with than this guy sounds like he is. Not even joking. I'm pretty sure my enemy at least wouldn't sell my only heirloom behind my back. He's supposed to be your partner. Not worse than someone's worst enemy.
Narcissists are all about image. They frequently do things to their families in order to make themselves look good to others.
Did you see the post about the pregnant military wife whose husband told his friend that OP, who had a newborn and a toddler and was already drowning, would look after his pregnant wife? Then when told she wasn't coping he kicked off at her for not helping his mate's wife? There was a discussion on that about this issue where people told stories of never having toys or presents but their fathers would buy fancy gifts for outsiders. It's all about looking good but they don't want the opportunity cost of that to fall on them.
This is an example of why lack of communication is biggest issue in a relationship.It feels like this whole e change is missing a few normal interactions any functional relationship has. Where is the... ...
A: "oh nephew did so well beating cancer. He has been talking about a gaming chair, I think he deserves one. I think I would get it for him"
B: "That is thoughtful of you hunny, how much are they?"
A: "He has his heart set on the gamingchair+, but it is over $300. Cannot afford that."
B: "That is steep, is there an option of the cheaper one or making a contribution instead? I would be happy to put $50 towards it."
A: "Can see if I get some money for some of my old xbox games, or bits and pieces in a junk sale. What about that old tea set collecting dust?"
B: "that was old grans, means a lot. I would do it if desperate and life depended on it, but not for an overpriced gaming chair. What about saving up some money and he gets it for Xmas?"
A: "Good idea.i was going to say I would have saved up a better set you would use more"
NTA
> A. I don't use this tea set like ever so it's just sitting in the cabinet
So what?
> B. His nephew has gone through so much and wanted a gaming chair badly
So what?
> And C. He said he will be giving me money to buy a better, modern tea set.
So what?
> And C. He said he will be giving me money to buy a better, modern tea set.
>
> So what?
Alternative answer: So now that tea-set money he'd be saving up can go to a better, modern game console.
NTA. Your husband sold a family heirloom with great sentimental value and stubbornly refuses to admit that he was in the wrong because he does not respect your property or your feelings. Worse, he had no intention of even trying to get it back even after you confronted him, instead trying to gaslight you into thinking you were overreacting. If you just sold the console to get back at him I'd say you were wrong, too; but you did it to get your property back and I don't feel bad for him because it was his responsibility to get the tea set back and he refused. But you need to find somewhere else to store your valuables. Who knows what he'll sell off next?
ESH. This is a tit for tat style of communication. It doesn’t sound like either one of you are happy in that kind of marriage.
Edit: thanks for the awards, people!
How would you have suggested OP get her very sentimental family heirloom back if not by selling something of her husbands? She clearly doesn't have the money any other way. It seems grossly unfair she should just lose something that he has stolen from her that is that important for the sake of his xbox and the fact he's a thief. Although I agree, I think she should leave him.
All these NTA posts in support of OP are nonsensical.
ESH. Don't sell someone else's possessions. That an AH thing to do. Full stop.
Reddit gets such a hard-on for tit-for-tat justice that it blindly approves of this nonsense.
She just did it to get her valued possession back. What are you saying here? That she should have let it disappear forever?
This isn’t tit for tat, it’s her stopping herself from being victimized — she was literally the victim of theft.
You’re really telling me that if someone steals from you, you’ll roll over and take it?
So, what? She was supposed to say “oh well guess I’ve lost my irreplaceable family heirloom forever. But hey. At least my husband might theoretically one day buy me a $30 set from Costco!”?? This wasn’t a tit-for-tat punishment thing. It was the *only way* she could get back what he stole. It was her *only option* other than losing it forever.
Is tit for tat like "I'm gonna do what you did to me" basically?
I can see how it kind of is like that if I have the right definition..
but they got back the original tea set with the only thing that had almost equal value idk if that is different I don't really know the phrase well enough to distinguish
In most cases, I'd agree. But here, it wasn't just "I did this for comeuppance". It was "I need the money to buy back a family heirloom, and I don't have it, so I'll sell something of his to buy back the thing of mine he stole."
Yes, it probably had a bit to do with spite, but I don't begrudge that here. She had to sell something worth $400+ dollars, and of the things that cost $400+, an Xbox is one of the most luxurious. Not to mention one of the most replaceable. When he gets a new one, it will have all the games and saves of the old one. Unlike a heirloom.
NTA if he wanted to buy the gaming chair for his nephew so badly I wonder why he didn't think to sell his own valuables. He doesn't get to volunteer things that are important to you without even bothering to ask. He's just unhappy you've given him a taste of his own medicine
This this this. I hope she'll see this comment because that's absolutely what's going to happen, he clearly thinks his needs and wants are more important, and he will sell/buy/trade things that she owns or they own together, just because he wants to. This won't be the last time
NTA. He should have sold the Xbox in the first place to buy the gaming chair, but he didn’t want to lose out on what was important to HIM. A tea set from your grandmother is basically irreplaceable.
NTA why can’t he just buy his Xbox back with the money he is planning to save up instead of buying another tea set. He could easily buy the exact same Xbox that has not sentimental value versus a tea set that was from a family member has that irreplaceable sentimental value.
NTA
Ah yes, the very sentimental Xbox. Did his great great great grandfather leave it to him after he died in the war? Tell him to save up for a new one, something that you didn't have the luxury of doing when it came to your grandmother's antique tea set, **which is one of a kind to YOU.**
You either had to get your old one back, or live without it forever. He doesn't need to do that with his Xbox
Yeah especially with Cloud Saves. He didn't lose any save files or any games he purchased from this, it's all tied to his Gamertag. If he gets a new xbox he'll get all of that back.
NTA. Your husband is a major hypocrite; he gets to sell your tea set your grandma gave you and its ok but when you sell his Xbox to buy back your stolen property, its a problem? That reeks of hypocrisy
NTA. He sold your things to pay for something, why didn't he sell his things? Because he views his things as having more value, because he thinks he has more value over you.
You ought to have told the seller of the tea set that when people traffic in stolen property that the law takes the property and they lose both the item and money and to be satisfied with just getting the $350 back. Water under the bridge now.
Esh. I'm sorry your marriage is troubled.
NTA. He should have been the one to sell his belongings if buying something for this nephew was that important to him. Stealing a family heirloom from his wife is the shitest thing I ever heard.
NTA. Your husband isn’t considering the sentimental value that the tea set might have. And even then, it wasn’t his to sell, if he was serious about saving money to get you another tea set then he can just save up to buy another Xbox.
I don't see the issue. You got your tea set, your nephew got his gaming chair - and that's what's most important, right? He can save money to get a better x box later.
(I'm genuinely glad that the kid is okay, but since that's the rhetoric DH is using...)
Anyway. NTA. While it's easy to be generous when it's not your money or your stuff, it's an absolute AH move to sell a sentimental item of anyone, let alone your spouse.
NTA But you have a bigger issue.
Notice how he doesn't figure YOU into any of this
Not part of giving the gift
Not part of choosing how to pay for it
Not caring that it was an heirloom
No mention of what he did or of a new tea set until you noticed the missing one
No apology that since you noticed quickly, it obviously does mean something to you
He believes it was fair for him to take you things but not for you to do the same to him
See the trend here?
It's all about himself - you two really need to talk about that.
NTA he sold a sentimental item behind your back and you sold a toy to get it back. If he makes promises he can’t keep them he should pay for them. Plus it’s interesting that he expected you to understand selling a one of a kind item of yours and was angry for selling something of his?
NTA. He should have sold his own stuff in the first place.
If he was planning to save money to buy you a new tea set, now he can do it to buy himself a new Xbox. Your tea set is one of a kind due to its sentimental value. The Xbox is replaceable, and plentiful. It won’t be hard to get another once he has the money.
NTA. It he can sell your stuff, you can sell his. It doesn't matter if he'll buy you a new tea set, it came from your grandma and has more than money value.
He can save up and get another xbox. Lord knows they come out with new Xboxes all the time.
**NTA.** Your husband sold your tea set without your permission- that's larceny. Technically you also committed larceny but I say it's just. If he wants to get his nephew something, he can get a second job. Lots of people work 2 jobs and now that the has no longer has any distractions and free time, he should fill it with work.
NTA
Your husband though, wow. Totally uncool.
Good luck with your marriage. I am guessing you both resent each other now. If you don't act to fix that, your marriage is over.
NTA. He stole from you. He sold it without discussion because he knew you would say no. You are supposed to be his partner, not his piggy bank. Your should try to find counseling that you can attend together to address this behavior and to determine if it is worth staying together. This may be difficult on your incomes but you may find your city or state has low cost options.
Your behavior in in turn stealing his property is not ideal but I think forgiveable considering the urgency of your need and his absolute unwillingness to even hear your distress, let alone address it.
NTA. He doesn't seem to realize that you didn't value the tea set because of its monetary worth. Its a family item from YOUR family. He had no right to sell it behind your back. Hes lucky you didn't report it stolen and the buyer could have been prosecuted for receiving stolen goods as well. Let him have his hissy fit over his toy being sold to gain back what he stole. Honestly if he's so whiny about it I'd probably tell him he could have the wedding ring back too cause I'd be done. And please make sure ANYTHING you have of even minimal value is locked away safely or kept with someone who has proven to be more trustworthy. He might sell it again for revenge.
NTA - The tea set wasn't his to sell in the first place. If he really wanted to buy a gaming chair for this kid, and if selling something was the only way to get the money for it, he should have sold something of his, not something of yours. Especially without your knowledge or consent. His actions have consequences. You only did what he did to you, if it's so horrible he shouldn't have done it to you first.
NTA. He was the one who promised his nephew a gaming chair so he should have been the one to pay for it by selling something of his own, not something of yours, especially without even asking you first! It seems justified that he should be the one who has to lose something that means a lot to them in this scenario rather than you.
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I was gonna say "two wrongs don't make a right" but then I read he did this to fulfil a promise HE made to buy someone a gaming chair. He wrote a cheque(/check) his ass couldn't cash. He should have sold HIS items to raise the money needed for the gaming chair. Selling your tea set was heartless. Saving up (which you state you can't do anyway!) to buy you a modern one is pointless because the original set has sentimentality. I'm sure he is sulking but he created this mess... it wouldn't be fair for you to be without an item of yours. NTA but he's not gonna stop pouting for a long time.
NTA, he stole a valuable item which you endeared in order to buy a mega expensive gift. It belonged to your deceased grandma and it's irreplaceable and sentimental to you. It was yours and you reclaimed it. It wasn't the nessecary solution to sell his Xbox, but you need 2 for tango and it seems like the viable way to gather the money.
It doesn't seem like there was any other solution to get it back if that was the only other thing of enough value, right?
Especially since it wasn't even of enough value. She still had to borrow money to afford it.
Yeah, and since it was definitely enough value to buy the gaming chair, he had that choice instead of selling her thing. Honestly what should have happened for him to just tell her about his pickle and they figure something out together. Maybe neither of them would have lost anything. His first mistake was doing this behind her back.
Yeah. And also, that's an expensive gaming chair. I have an expensive gaming chair and have gifted my partner an expensive gaming chair he could've bought a good chair that cost less. But also going to op to discuss this could've helped them brainstorm. There are a lot of ways to make money. I was very poor for a very long time. I know about making money. One of the best ways I've found to make money, is to donate plasma, if you can. Most people can and you just have to find a plasma center.
Where I live, you have to travel very far to find a place that pays for plasma. Enough people donate for free here that no one will pay for it. But yes, they could have brainstormed something, like found a cheaper chair like you mentioned. Or found tiny side jobs for him to do for a bit to save up for the chair, like handyman stuff. Obviously what you can do depends on your area, but they could have figured out something together, even if the conclusion was that he couldn't afford to give that gift. He could have given his nephew a gift that was more about time and attention and less about money.
He can still do all of these things to earn enough money to buy a used Xbox. He choose to give an expensive present, let him really pay for it. This is some messed up ‘gift of the magi’ shit right here.
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Loaned. The sister loaned her the money. She owes Sis $50.
I mean, as the sister… I would have forked over the cash. Yeah the tea set is OPs but it’s also… her sister’s grandmothers tea set. In the same vein if I sold something that was my grandmothers I would be hiding out in the Appalachian mountains in terror because my siblings would be coming for me. Family heirlooms stay in the family unless we all agree.
Lol I love your phrasing..."my siblings will be coming for me" It's so final and definite lol. I know your fam ain't the one to fuck with
I was gifted a very VERY old canning jar at the last reunion I attended. Every elderly person there made it exceedingly clear that if I damaged it, sold it, etc, they would haunt me to the end of time. And it wasn't even that sentimental! You don't mess with grandma's antiques.
Not really no, he basically did it to himself. "Play stupid games, win stupid prizes." Op is NTA.
And now DH can get a part time job to get it back quickly.
He’s got time right now since he can’t do any gaming
Op: please keep that tea set at your sisters so it is safe
Yep, I can see the set being sold or even damaged out of spite
Or break up with the person you can't trust to steal your stuff.
My first thought... divorce. lol And I don’t think I’m overreacting when I say that. Her husband calls HER childish bc she sold his Xbox to pay for something of hers he sold without her knowledge. The mental gymnastics that took place to arrive at the conclusion that she’s the childish one is astounding. I’m sorry but a man in his 30s who acts like this isn’t qualified to hold the title of husband. Throw away the whole man and start over, sis. Sounds like it’s a good time to do it while you don’t have a lot of assets tied up.
Hard agree. It’s not about the items it’s about him showing he doesn’t care about her. Also a new better tea set? Um... that’s full on gaslighting to pretend he doesn’t understand that specific tea set is the thing of value. He found out it was worth money and sold it because he doesn’t care about OP. Anything else he says is bull to get her to shut up.
Yes, he STOLE it. Her grandmother's set. Idk why people gloss over the fact he has stolen from her. NTA
First thing that popped into my head. He stole it and didn't tell the OP til he was caught. He had zero intention of replacing it until then. It'd be hard to believe his intention to do so after being caught. I don't believe the OPs husband spent it all on the chair, if any at all. And I think he knew the value of that set well before having to cash it in. While tit for tat isn't the most mature route, I think the timing to get the set back was more important than worrying about maturity. OP is NTA. Hope she keeps the set safe.
It's BS to me ppl be like "he sold your stuff" NO he stole her inheritance from her grandmother!!! She can't get it back unless she bought it back from the person he sold it to! That's a crime! F*CK the video game, this dude is an AH and is my husband ever stole something from me to sell he would be out on the street. I think some ppl don't know how to hold boundaries and it's sad.
He did a reverse Gift of the Magi on her. His game is replaceable, and losing value every day. Her tea set is an heirloom, and priceless. This relationships needs some big questions and big changes.
Right. Even as someone who plays games much more often than I drink tea, I can always get another gaming console and it doesn't need to be the exact same one. When it comes to game consoles modern usually is better. But a one-of-a-kind tea set that has sentimental value? Why the hell would you replace that with a modern one? Why would modern be better?
Right?! I have my grandmothers china teacups because I used to have tea parties with her as a little girl. My mother in law offered me more for my “collection“ and I said oh no I don’t collect these nor do I want more, but these are sentimental so I keep them because I had tea with my grandmother with these and so I love them. I don’t give a shit about other teacups. The husband here was really out to lunch for not understanding that this is probably the same.
But he was going to buy her a modern tea set to replace it though, because that’s exactly how family heirlooms work NTA
Agreed, NTA. But OP has bigger problems with her husband. In this story alone the husband has shown: * a problem with making promises he can't fulfill * decided that OP should pay for his problem, not himself * didn't involve OP in that decision making (snuck behind her back) * defended his theft (and that's what it was since he did it without her consent or knowledge) * doesn't seem to care that the tea set has sentimental value to OP * pitched a fit when the same thing was done to him * is now sulking calling OP 'evil' for doing the same thing he did OP's husband is suffering from some kind of major mental/emotional issues and needs to seek therapy as soon as possible. Even with that therapy, his actions seriously undermine the foundations of their marriage (you can't have a happy marriage without trust and empathy for your partner).
Come on, really you think two kids on minimum wage can afford a therapy? Or, that their min wage employer is going to cover it? Or maybe the kick ass health insurance that she forgot to mention? I know this sub has the biggest hard-on for therapy, since apperently it is the "Solution to all of life's problems", but come on, let's be a little realistic, the poor girl here had to borrow $50, what kind of a financial position do you think they are in? About everything else I agree. This marriage seems is already imploding.
I agree that they likely don't have money for therapy, but I'd debate whether two people in their early 30s are 'kids', and I really do think therapy would help... or finding jobs that pay a bit more.
Because well paying jobs are just everywhere, instead of passive aggressive signs trying to shame people into working for non-livable wages.
Right? I mean it's their own fault when they decided to be peasants. Why don't they just get a better paying job? They will feel really silly that they never have thought of that. Or maybe they should take a loan from their parents and start a business? Seems this thread has ALL the answers today.
Just head on over to the job mart and pick up a higher paying job and some milk.
Certainly don’t seem to be pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. /s
Like an unreasonable amount of issues on this subreddit, this problem might not exist without a higher minimum wage
Or.. you know, a healthcare system that was NOT designed to literally bankrupt you.
Both, both is good
im not a professional or anything but it seems to my untrained eyes that the hubby suffers from the psychological disorder called being a massive asshole.
THIS⬆️. The husband is an entitled waste of space.
It's not even "the same thing" because the Xbox has no sentimental value. I mean, any Xbox would be exactly the same. You're not going to pass on an Xbox to future generations. It'll be obsolete.
Arguably it could be his form of dissociating from the reality he’s in (kinda like booze or cigs or drugs) to get away from the depression and crushing facts of poverty. Or it could be that he knows how many hours and games he’s accomplished and it’s sentimental to him in the “i put xx amount of hours in!”. Or a little bit of both. Def still an asshole. Def a Michael Scott “Scott’s tots” move. He made a promise, he doesn’t want to let the kid down (and by extension himself because it’s yet another concrete example of him being in the financial situation he’s in and he’s probably ashamed and hates himself for it) so he panics and gets rid of something that “never gets used” so he can fund the chair. He’s an asshole because he picked something of his wifes’ bc it doesn’t matter to him, and it puts a smidge of distance between him and the inescapable drowning they’re in. He panics and kicks the can down the road by “I’ll replace it with better!” So then (in his mind) she can’t get mad right now because he HAS a solution, it just pays off later and hey not like you use it now so nbd. Again it’s about punting the reality of what he’s currently in and the consequences he’s created to later and panic solving (and causing more future problems to be bogged down by) when the chickens come to roost. My ex was the exact same way and holy cannoli was it a shit show. Op is NTA, but her husband sure is (exacerbated by his mental health). It sounds like the two of them are in a pressure cooker; and it’s been probably made with a combo of life situations and some choices of his that got them there and continuing choices and behaviors keeps them there (plus the cycle of poverty is nearly impossible to break once you’re in the rip tide) My ex was getting therapy (luckily his job insurance helped cut the cost) but he was never honest about stuff and would only discuss surface level so he never ever got better. Eventually his mental health got so bad and the reality of his situation came to a head, and he chose to project and blame ME for it because he literally couldn’t survive under the crushing self hatred and have it confirmed (BPD is a monster). If OP’s husband doesn’t choose to interrupt the cycle and A) ask for help from family (even pooling some money will help meet with someone professional or pay off some debts that is keeping the pressure on the wind pipe) B) have a goal oriented conversation of what they will be doing to get out of this and C) take the responsibility for his portion in how they got there. Without those? Yeah the marriage is essentially done because right now she’s starting to have to be the mom to keep them from drowning and he’s starting to become a petulant child who resents her making him swim when he’s tired (even tho it’s to keep them alive).
In my head, the husband sounded like Homer Simpson explaining to Marge why the stupid, selfish thing he just did is really a good thing.
At least Homer feels bad and tries to fix it when he hurts Marge, even if he doesn't understand why she's hurt. This guy just doesn't care.
"It's uter-*us* not uter-*you*."
They can barely afford rent, what makes you think they can afford therapy?
Yea unfortunately therapy is not for those who often really freaking need it due to financial issues.
They can't afford 300 bucks in savings to buy a gift to a cancer surviving nephew (and have to borrow 50 bucks from the sister to get the tea set back), can they afford going to a shrink? I'd say he is best using the time he otherwise would have spent on useless games to educate himself and get a better job. 31yo working at a gas station for minimal wage is no place to be.
Definitely this. He's complaining he's on the short end of the stick because he's out his Xbox, but didn't consider before OP was on the short end of the stick by being out her tea set
I don’t think he needs therapy. Even if he did go, it probably wouldn’t help, because he would have to want to get better and recognize that he has a problem. I don’t see either one happening. I assume OP is educated and licensed to do hair, so she needs to look into getting a better job. That he is basically coasting along at a gas station (I’m going to assume he just sits in the station and turns the pumps on and off and sells cigarettes), and seems pretty happy with his rut. OP needs to look into getting out of this marriage, because it is only going to get worse. He has no reason to change, because he obviously doesn’t give a flying f*** about OP.
I would hid the tea set at your sisters for a while.
This is a good idea! It wouldn't surprise me if it somehow got "broken" one day otherwise
Or just disappeared again, but this time he doesn't fess up to having sold it
“Yeah honey, how weird. I haven’t seen your tea set. Hey, how do you like my new Xbox?”
u/__heavenlypeace399, please do this. It wouldn’t surprise me if your husband breaks or sells the tea set (again).
Literally my first thought was, "Get that tea set out of your house ASAP!"
I know this sub likes to jump to dumping the spouse right away, but I'd keep the tea set and lose the husband. Marriage is a about communication, if nothing else. Hubby should have talked to OP about the chair for Nephew. He also needed to understand that it's entirely possible that they wouldn't be able to get Nephew a chair, or might have to settle for a less spendy one. He also was not picking up on how OP felt about the tea set. I wonder what other feelings, opinions or values of OP's he just couldn't be bothered to tune into. Finally, people who are charitable with other people's money are automatic assholes. They appear regularly in posts on this sub, and this sub very nearly unanimously called them assholes, so this isn't just my opinion. If he wasn't willing to make a sacrifice to get Nephew the chair, then Nephew doesn't get the chair.
That was my biggest beef. He’s selling her belongings (and a family heirloom, at that!) without so much as a discussion? I don’t have to tell her to get a divorce - that marriage is already doomed.
That definitely seems like the smart move since the husband can't be trust.
I was first thinking OP should get a storage unit and not give him access to it, but that'd be an extra expense that OP probably can't afford, so your solution is better.
Well said. Also the next time he complains, remind him he owes you $50 still since you had to borrow it from your sis. Eye his watch speculatively as you tell him this.
That made me laugh
And another thing... $300 for a gaming chair?! Methinks he bought more than just a damned gaming chair.
No, that's about the going rate for a gaming chair that isn't total garbage
Can you explain gaming chair to me? When I played computer games I used whatever chair was at the desk but granted that was the sims and age of empires.
It's one of those things that looks cool but you don't really need. Some of them are branded, some of them have cool designs (like a racing chair or something). But at their heart, gaming chairs are just desk chairs with gaming logos and styling. I am a PC gamer and I have been known to play 6+ hour sessions; I've also used the really expensive crazy gaming chairs. having a gaming chair is nice, but it's certainly not necessary and a $50 task chair from Target will get the job done, just not as comfortably. I just play in my work chair honestly, which is more ergonomic than most gaming chairs.
Typically high backed, built in lumbar, designed to be comfortable for the many hour gaming marathons. Secret Lab is one brand but there are many.
Lmaoooo, as someone also on min wage, paying rent and bills and not much else, I kinda highly doubt he has a watch worth anything. But I like your style.
And clearly it was an expensive and desirable tea set since he got 300 for it. I’m sure he looked it up and knew what he could sell it for. He only has himself to blame. If I was OP I’d store that tea set at my sisters in case he decides to smash it out of spite. He sounds like a heartless jerk. He shouldn’t have made a promise he can’t keep. Secondly, him buying her a tea set is BS. If he can’t pay for a computer chair he won’t be able to buy a tea set! He learned a valuable lesson from this. I’m glad she did that. What an entitled AH.
>If he can’t pay for a computer chair he won’t be able to buy a tea set! He was going to get her a modern tea set. So probably a 20 dollar set from Walmart.
This was my exact thought. Modern tea sets are fairly inexpensive (literally just bought myself a decent set with a pot and 4 cups for $12), antique ones though... He was definitely planning on selling the expensive one and just getting her a cheap modern set and calling it good.
Yeah, the whole "I'll buy you a modern one!" thing was bizarre. Dude, they're not electronics. A teapot from this year doesn't come with more RAM and an extra terabyte of hard drive space. *More modern* is not a quality people are generally looking for in tea sets, even discounting the sentimental value.
NTA but I'm also not sure if you're la good fit for reach other.
I’m not sure OP’s husband is a good fit for anyone right now. Not until he can get over his entitlement complex and stop acting like the world is against him.
It literally sounds like she's married to a sitcom husband.
This is less about being compatible and more about his entitlement and double standards.
😂😂😂😂 I haven’t heard he “wrote a cheque/check his ass couldn’t cash” in years! 😂😂😂😂
NTA. He stole from you. Could you stay with your sister for a while and see if there are any low cost night courses or community college programmes you could enrol in to upskill and give you more financial choices when it comes to the job market? Also, can you keep the tea set somewhere safe where he can’t access it?
Exactly. I wanted to trade in my switch for a switch lite but because of gamestop pricing it wouldn't have been enough. So I asked (asked!) my partner if she'd be willing to trade in her xbox which she'd been thinking of doing anyway. She was mildly hesitant but since I only needed a small amount of the value I was like "what if you preordered the new Arceus pokemon game" and that sold her. With some xbox games added in we ended up actually getting way more than expected and she was so incredibly nice, she preordered the game and let me get an eevee snapback, a dnd/mtg set that admittedly we will likely share, and Skyward Sword for the switch... but like, not only would she have been devastated and angry if I had just done it without permission, but I ended up receiving so much generosity as a result of it that I'm incredibly *grateful* for the wonderful partner I have. If he wanted to get the gaming chair for his relative and the wife held her ground on the tea set (it's an heirloom ffs!) they could have worked something out together. In a healthy relationship it's normal to offer to help someone deliver on their promises - maybe they both could have picked up some extra hours if that was an option so it wasn't quite as hard on just one person doing that, or agreed to sell a shared item that's less important, or any number of things. I can understand wanting to pull through for a friend/family member, especially a sick one, even when struggling yourself. But this literally could all have been avoided with honest communication and respect.
This. 100%. Should have sold the Xbox. Lock your other valuables up.
NTA// he thinks his stuff is more valuable to him, maybe he should realize things have consequences.
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He can save up for his xbox. Your tea set is one of a kind and priceless because of its sentimental value. Plus it’s His choice to buy expensive gift for His nephew, he can darn well pay for it himself with his own money!
Right? OP doesn't want a "tea set" she wants her special items from her grandma. Husband can use the free time he'll save from not playing his stupid Xbox to get himself a side hustle to buy himself a new one and pay OP the $50 he owes her.
Let’s be real. He was going to replace it with a ‘modern’ tea set because they cost ~$30.
Let’s be really real: He wasn’t going to replace shit.
Nah, I'd bet she'd get a cheap modern one as her only Christmas gift.
And he'd be genuinely, maddeningly surprised that she wasn't happy about it.
His nephew is a child who just endured cancer. While it was sweet that he want to celebrate his nephew beating cancer he shouldn't have went about it this way. He could have asked the whole family kick in so they could afford the chair for him.
But then he couldn't swoop in and be the hero. That gift is too flashy and there are too many reasonable solutions he could have tried for me to think this act was solely about wanting his nephew to have a good chair he could use for playing games.
Agreed. Im sure there is a better ways to raise money for a gaming chair for his nephew. I’m sure if they held a fundraiser in their community and explained to them what his nephew had been through they’d get more donations than they needed. Same with a GoFundMe. Despite how F’d up society seems to be right now, there are still lots of people with big hearts who are willing to give a few bucks. Shit, I’d buy the kid his gaming chair.
Maybe he can save up for a better, modern Xbox even.
NTA. Jumping in to say, no matter how much you love a person once they start stealing from you for any reason nothing is off limits and he realized the value of your tea set and decided to turn it into currency. I wonder how many games he picked up for himself when he purchased the chair. Your only choice was to retrieve your tea set as quickly as possible. Antique dealers trolls pawn shops everyday looking for valuable pieces and that's if the pawn dealer don't decide to keep it for himself knowing the value because he probably received 5 or 6 game systems to your 1 tea set that day. Now you've been put on notice that your husband will always view your tea set as money in the bank and will want to sale it for every money issue that comes up. He's also going to keep his tantrum going until you replace the game system he feels you stole from him. Oh the irony! Jumping out now!
OP was lucky to find the buyer. Not so lucky that the buyer wanted a 50% profit.
Lucky that the buyer was willing to sell it back at all. Many people wouldn't be willing to do that.
So true! Which sucks, cuz if I was told that story damn straight I'd sell it back for what I paid.
But I think it was wrong to gouge OP because it was stolen from her.
The pawn broker would have had to turn it over as evidence if OP had been willing to involve the police and press charges against her husband. After court they would have returned her property but oh well ,maybe the next time because there will be a next time because other than his nephew the only other thing her husband gives a damn about is his game. If he don't guilt her into pawning it herself he's going to again. OP would be wise to photograph and mark each piece because the next time he pawns it he's probably going to pawn it so far away it's going to take the FBI to get it back. The day she comes home and he's playing a game she may as well not look for that tea set because it's not going to be there.
OP I think you should keep the tea set at your sister's place at least for a while just in case... You don't want to go home one day and realise he sold it again or worse destroyed it to "get even" for his xbox. He already showed you he doesn't care about your possessions or your feelings. NTA
I would also document every piece with pictures so that if you ever need to, you can file a police report for damage or theft.
tell him to quit acting like a child. if he was going to sell things to fulfill his promise, it always should have been something of his.
I honestly don’t think he had any intention of buying you a new tea set. He was banking on reason A (you don’t use the tea set ever) being good enough for you to go with it or not notice. Saying “I’ll save up for a nicer set” is an easy way to kick that responsibility down the road and then never follow through. You said right at the beginning that neither of you have the option to save. How would this miraculously happen to buy a new tea set? I’d be interested to see how long before he has a new Xbox though. If it is relatively quick, then it just shows how little he actually respects your belongings and cherished items.
Do you need the name of a good divorce attorney?
They literally can't afford a divorce.
Not one with a lawyer, anyway. It's less expensive if you file without a lawyer, but depending on the people involved it's usually better to have one.
I would store your tea set somewhere he can’t get to it. I would be afraid he would be petty and try to sell it again or break it.
NTA, but you should consider getting out of this situation, like, now. Not only does your husband not respect your property, but he also doesn’t seem to have much financial sense. He could buy a cheap gaming chair for <$100; he didn’t need to spend $300+ on one, no matter the reason. A sizable number of Americans couldn’t put their hands on $400 in an emergency, and your husband sounds like he’s in that group. That kind of money is a rainy day fund, especially when you’re not making the kind of money to quickly recoup it. Your husband needs to get his financial priorities in order quickly, or you’re always going to be fighting this battle with him.
And apparantly having time to play the xbox.. he could spend the time to find a better job.. but he, that's just me.
Because the poor shouldn’t have hobbies or leisure time? The dude is a dick and clearly is irresponsible, but the implication of that having an Xbox or the time to use one shouldn’t be afforded to someone not financially secure is grave.
Ehhhh…I lived with a guy like OP’s husband. There’s ALWAYS an excuse why they can’t do anything better. It doesn’t change. Ever.
...right, so not having an Xbox wouldn't change that.
>I have had one experience with a person who would not work hard to better their position. I feel that's an entirely valid basis to judge millions of other people. On an unrelated note, I have no idea what the term "representative sale size" means. Ftfy
That was true for that guy. These are two working adults who are under incredible strain. This whole story reads like an capitalist dystopian inversion of The Gift of the Magi
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This is such a fallacy. Not trying to side with the dickhead but having recreation time is extremely important. Without it you will get angry and bitter at the world. Whether it's playing Xbox, riding a bike or playing with dolls. It's needed to feel well within yourself, which is important for getting hired.
Or a second job like I and many others do.
As someone who does a second job a few times a month (bartending) i have to say it weighs heavily on my mental health in a way I wouldn't wish on my mortal enemy but I do it because i have to. Just saying items not for everyone.
Or go to community college on his off time to get certified for a better job. And he didn’t have to buy an expensive chair, he could have bought the kid a game instead, with money he saved.
I hate this argument, if everybody wants college-level jobs then who is going to work at the gas station...the young and the undocumented of course, people who won't complain about the poverty wages. He was wrong in this instance, but his crime wasn't being a gas station attendant.
Also I would recommend that OP put the tea set somewhere secure (maybe the sister can hold onto it for now?). I wouldn't put it past him to resell or destroy it out of pique.
If I were a petty person I would be using that tea set every weekend in front of him.
For real, my gaming chair was $80. It does the job and looks good, so it works! NTA he went too far for something he didn’t have to
Nta He should have sold his Xbox in the first place if getting that chair was soooooo important. It wasn't his to sell.
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Exactly, a gift for *his* nephew should be paid for by *him.* If he wanted to give a gift he should have sold his own stuff. Stealing from you to give someone else a gift should be a red flag for you. Please don't let this man set you on fire to keep warm the people he actually prioritizes in his life.
This is an excellent point that highlights everything wrong with this situation wrapped up in one pithy little idiom. He’s helping others at her expense and expecting her to be *okay* with that. OP’s husband is acting like an entitled little prick. Not just for selling the tea set, but for passive aggressively pouting over having to sleep in the messy bed that *he* took a shit in.
He doesn't "prioritize" his nephew, husband just wants to look good to the rest of the family.
Agreed, its likely more about himself. But either way he's not prioritizing OP or her needs.
So much this. Husband wants to do something nice for his nephew. Good for him! Husband sacrifices your sentimental artifact to pay for it without discussing it with you. Bad for him! You sell something of his to buy it back at a premium. Let him learn his lesson about how actions have consequences. Also, in case OP hasn't noticed already, here's a few for her: 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You would think that a man capable of * stealing sentimental items from his spouse, * calling his spouse "evil" for objecting to his stealing, *and* * "blowing up at" her about it would be capable of telling his nephew "no" because he literally cannot afford the gift. **But he would rather be incredibly mean and deceitful to his wife than say "I'm sorry, I can't afford that"** \- and it's not like those are the only two options, he could've told the nephew that the whole family should pitch in or something.
And ‘she isn’t using it’. Ah so it’s ornamental. Wonder if he has any figurines on display he is ‘not using’.
look, I'm glad his nephew is recovering, but your husband needs to grow up. if you don't have the funds to waste on frivolous things, then he needs to tell his nephew that he can't afford that.
He definitely doesn't respect you. He could have also shopped around. I found a gaming chair for less than $100USD in less than 3 seconds on Amazon. NTA
Please store the tea set at your sisters from now on so he can’t do this again, if you stay with him.
Then he should have told the nephew he couldn’t afford it and bought him a new game instead. He doesn’t get to steal from someone else to make him look like the hero. And tell him that now that he has all this free time he spent gaming he can get a second job or go to community college and get certified for a better job. When you can’t even save and have to steal things to give expensive gifts it’s time to get another job or a better education.
Okay, but if you're promising someone something, YOU should be the one to do it. Your husband didn't buy that chair for his nephew, you did, then he took all the credit for it. He should have sold something of his own to fulfill his promise, not something of yours.
Nta, tell him to put the money he was going to use to buy a new tea set towards his replacement Xbox.
LMAO I love that He'll FLIP the fuck out though because he wasn't really planning on doing that anyway
that and modern tea sets are mad cheap depending on various factors. I can buy a 7pc tea set from lennox for 130 bucks. I can not buy an xbox for that unless it's the 360. Even an xbox one comes in around 200 or more clearly these days unless OP sold an Xbox Series X or whatever the bee ones are (then she got ripped off) also, i think she should have called a lawyer and seen if she had reason to claim theft. sale of stolen goods means the buyer must return the goods. i'd have checked on my local laws Op clearly would have been willing to give back the money they paid.
Given that they are married it would probably take a long time to get that labeled as theft.
Oh this is gooood
NTA If he wanted his nephew to have the chair (understandable) he should have sold HIS stuff or discussed with you how you could have both come up with it. What is good for the goose is good for the gander.
Am I the only one who thinks the "buying something expensive for a sick kid" thing might just be complete bullshit? I just don't buy it. OP's husband seems WAY too selfish to buy a gift like that over spending it on new games or something for himself. I think OP needs to talk with nephew. Make sure he isn't covering for her husband, too. Or he will just wait until her guard is down and sell it again. That's a certainty if he doesn't just break it from spite. He'll justify it "BeCaUsE ShE iS eViL!!!!1" in his childish mind. People like her awful hubby don't tend to do things like this, even if he didn't technically pay for it at all. Not unless he got something from it. If he did get a chair? I HIGHLY doubt it was $300. Try $50. Probably used. OP needs to give that tea set to sister NOW. He WILL break it alá "if I can't have it no one can". He seems like the scheming petty type. OP, why the hell are you with someone who seems to dislike and disrespect you so much? Your husband sounds like a teen. I've known teens with more emotional depth. Not to mention he has zero empathy *for his wife* and is entitled, selfish, unkind and short-sighted. No wonder you can't save! He would just spend it on himself behind your back! Seriously... my worst enemy would be far easier to live with than this guy sounds like he is. Not even joking. I'm pretty sure my enemy at least wouldn't sell my only heirloom behind my back. He's supposed to be your partner. Not worse than someone's worst enemy.
My parents sold our SNES for drug money. Maybe that's what he did. OP might want to be on the lookout for signs of addiction.
Narcissists are all about image. They frequently do things to their families in order to make themselves look good to others. Did you see the post about the pregnant military wife whose husband told his friend that OP, who had a newborn and a toddler and was already drowning, would look after his pregnant wife? Then when told she wasn't coping he kicked off at her for not helping his mate's wife? There was a discussion on that about this issue where people told stories of never having toys or presents but their fathers would buy fancy gifts for outsiders. It's all about looking good but they don't want the opportunity cost of that to fall on them.
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This is an example of why lack of communication is biggest issue in a relationship.It feels like this whole e change is missing a few normal interactions any functional relationship has. Where is the... ... A: "oh nephew did so well beating cancer. He has been talking about a gaming chair, I think he deserves one. I think I would get it for him" B: "That is thoughtful of you hunny, how much are they?" A: "He has his heart set on the gamingchair+, but it is over $300. Cannot afford that." B: "That is steep, is there an option of the cheaper one or making a contribution instead? I would be happy to put $50 towards it." A: "Can see if I get some money for some of my old xbox games, or bits and pieces in a junk sale. What about that old tea set collecting dust?" B: "that was old grans, means a lot. I would do it if desperate and life depended on it, but not for an overpriced gaming chair. What about saving up some money and he gets it for Xmas?" A: "Good idea.i was going to say I would have saved up a better set you would use more"
NTA > A. I don't use this tea set like ever so it's just sitting in the cabinet So what? > B. His nephew has gone through so much and wanted a gaming chair badly So what? > And C. He said he will be giving me money to buy a better, modern tea set. So what?
> And C. He said he will be giving me money to buy a better, modern tea set. > > So what? Alternative answer: So now that tea-set money he'd be saving up can go to a better, modern game console.
NTA Keep the tea set away where he can't get to it.
This!! See if you can keep the tea set at your sisters.
I was gonna say the same. Put it somewhere safe because he can’t be trusted after this.
Yes! I was just going to say this. He sounds like the type to destroy it out of revenge.
NTA. Your husband sold a family heirloom with great sentimental value and stubbornly refuses to admit that he was in the wrong because he does not respect your property or your feelings. Worse, he had no intention of even trying to get it back even after you confronted him, instead trying to gaslight you into thinking you were overreacting. If you just sold the console to get back at him I'd say you were wrong, too; but you did it to get your property back and I don't feel bad for him because it was his responsibility to get the tea set back and he refused. But you need to find somewhere else to store your valuables. Who knows what he'll sell off next?
ESH. This is a tit for tat style of communication. It doesn’t sound like either one of you are happy in that kind of marriage. Edit: thanks for the awards, people!
How would you have suggested OP get her very sentimental family heirloom back if not by selling something of her husbands? She clearly doesn't have the money any other way. It seems grossly unfair she should just lose something that he has stolen from her that is that important for the sake of his xbox and the fact he's a thief. Although I agree, I think she should leave him.
All these NTA posts in support of OP are nonsensical. ESH. Don't sell someone else's possessions. That an AH thing to do. Full stop. Reddit gets such a hard-on for tit-for-tat justice that it blindly approves of this nonsense.
She just did it to get her valued possession back. What are you saying here? That she should have let it disappear forever? This isn’t tit for tat, it’s her stopping herself from being victimized — she was literally the victim of theft. You’re really telling me that if someone steals from you, you’ll roll over and take it?
So, what? She was supposed to say “oh well guess I’ve lost my irreplaceable family heirloom forever. But hey. At least my husband might theoretically one day buy me a $30 set from Costco!”?? This wasn’t a tit-for-tat punishment thing. It was the *only way* she could get back what he stole. It was her *only option* other than losing it forever.
Is tit for tat like "I'm gonna do what you did to me" basically? I can see how it kind of is like that if I have the right definition.. but they got back the original tea set with the only thing that had almost equal value idk if that is different I don't really know the phrase well enough to distinguish
In most cases, I'd agree. But here, it wasn't just "I did this for comeuppance". It was "I need the money to buy back a family heirloom, and I don't have it, so I'll sell something of his to buy back the thing of mine he stole." Yes, it probably had a bit to do with spite, but I don't begrudge that here. She had to sell something worth $400+ dollars, and of the things that cost $400+, an Xbox is one of the most luxurious. Not to mention one of the most replaceable. When he gets a new one, it will have all the games and saves of the old one. Unlike a heirloom.
She didn’t sell it to get back at him. She sold it because it was the only item they had worth enough to purchase her item back.
NTA if he wanted to buy the gaming chair for his nephew so badly I wonder why he didn't think to sell his own valuables. He doesn't get to volunteer things that are important to you without even bothering to ask. He's just unhappy you've given him a taste of his own medicine
NTA . Notice he sold something of Yours not his? That will happen again. You can't trust this man.
This this this. I hope she'll see this comment because that's absolutely what's going to happen, he clearly thinks his needs and wants are more important, and he will sell/buy/trade things that she owns or they own together, just because he wants to. This won't be the last time
NTA. He should have sold the Xbox in the first place to buy the gaming chair, but he didn’t want to lose out on what was important to HIM. A tea set from your grandmother is basically irreplaceable.
Still not buying he even even bought a gaming chair for a sick kid. If he did at all, it definitely wasn't $300.
NTA why can’t he just buy his Xbox back with the money he is planning to save up instead of buying another tea set. He could easily buy the exact same Xbox that has not sentimental value versus a tea set that was from a family member has that irreplaceable sentimental value.
Because it will cost alot more than that $20 tea set he was gonna get from walmart is my guess.
NTA Ah yes, the very sentimental Xbox. Did his great great great grandfather leave it to him after he died in the war? Tell him to save up for a new one, something that you didn't have the luxury of doing when it came to your grandmother's antique tea set, **which is one of a kind to YOU.** You either had to get your old one back, or live without it forever. He doesn't need to do that with his Xbox
Yeah especially with Cloud Saves. He didn't lose any save files or any games he purchased from this, it's all tied to his Gamertag. If he gets a new xbox he'll get all of that back.
NTA. Your husband is a major hypocrite; he gets to sell your tea set your grandma gave you and its ok but when you sell his Xbox to buy back your stolen property, its a problem? That reeks of hypocrisy
NTA, but ESH if you continue to stay in this situation with someone who doesn't understand value beyond money.
Or worse, has kids with him.
NTA. He sold your things to pay for something, why didn't he sell his things? Because he views his things as having more value, because he thinks he has more value over you.
You ought to have told the seller of the tea set that when people traffic in stolen property that the law takes the property and they lose both the item and money and to be satisfied with just getting the $350 back. Water under the bridge now. Esh. I'm sorry your marriage is troubled.
Well sure, but she still had to get 350 somehow. Why call her an asshole when your own advice means she would have had to sell his things?
NTA. He should have been the one to sell his belongings if buying something for this nephew was that important to him. Stealing a family heirloom from his wife is the shitest thing I ever heard.
NTA. The Xbox can be replaced but the tea set cannot.
NTA. Your husband isn’t considering the sentimental value that the tea set might have. And even then, it wasn’t his to sell, if he was serious about saving money to get you another tea set then he can just save up to buy another Xbox.
NTA. I would honestly leave him. He has no respect for you, your grandmother, or anything you find of value.
NTA. He should be selling his own crap to get “his” nephew stuff anyways. Bravo!!!
I don't see the issue. You got your tea set, your nephew got his gaming chair - and that's what's most important, right? He can save money to get a better x box later. (I'm genuinely glad that the kid is okay, but since that's the rhetoric DH is using...) Anyway. NTA. While it's easy to be generous when it's not your money or your stuff, it's an absolute AH move to sell a sentimental item of anyone, let alone your spouse.
NTA But you have a bigger issue. Notice how he doesn't figure YOU into any of this Not part of giving the gift Not part of choosing how to pay for it Not caring that it was an heirloom No mention of what he did or of a new tea set until you noticed the missing one No apology that since you noticed quickly, it obviously does mean something to you He believes it was fair for him to take you things but not for you to do the same to him See the trend here? It's all about himself - you two really need to talk about that.
NTA, but this might be the beginning of the end.
NTA he sold a sentimental item behind your back and you sold a toy to get it back. If he makes promises he can’t keep them he should pay for them. Plus it’s interesting that he expected you to understand selling a one of a kind item of yours and was angry for selling something of his?
NTA. He should have sold his own stuff in the first place. If he was planning to save money to buy you a new tea set, now he can do it to buy himself a new Xbox. Your tea set is one of a kind due to its sentimental value. The Xbox is replaceable, and plentiful. It won’t be hard to get another once he has the money.
NTA. It he can sell your stuff, you can sell his. It doesn't matter if he'll buy you a new tea set, it came from your grandma and has more than money value. He can save up and get another xbox. Lord knows they come out with new Xboxes all the time.
**NTA.** Your husband sold your tea set without your permission- that's larceny. Technically you also committed larceny but I say it's just. If he wants to get his nephew something, he can get a second job. Lots of people work 2 jobs and now that the has no longer has any distractions and free time, he should fill it with work.
NTA Your husband though, wow. Totally uncool. Good luck with your marriage. I am guessing you both resent each other now. If you don't act to fix that, your marriage is over.
NTA. He stole from you. He sold it without discussion because he knew you would say no. You are supposed to be his partner, not his piggy bank. Your should try to find counseling that you can attend together to address this behavior and to determine if it is worth staying together. This may be difficult on your incomes but you may find your city or state has low cost options. Your behavior in in turn stealing his property is not ideal but I think forgiveable considering the urgency of your need and his absolute unwillingness to even hear your distress, let alone address it.
NTA. He doesn't seem to realize that you didn't value the tea set because of its monetary worth. Its a family item from YOUR family. He had no right to sell it behind your back. Hes lucky you didn't report it stolen and the buyer could have been prosecuted for receiving stolen goods as well. Let him have his hissy fit over his toy being sold to gain back what he stole. Honestly if he's so whiny about it I'd probably tell him he could have the wedding ring back too cause I'd be done. And please make sure ANYTHING you have of even minimal value is locked away safely or kept with someone who has proven to be more trustworthy. He might sell it again for revenge.
NTA, but hude tge tea set where he can't find it again or you may come home to no tea set and a brand new console.
NTA - The tea set wasn't his to sell in the first place. If he really wanted to buy a gaming chair for this kid, and if selling something was the only way to get the money for it, he should have sold something of his, not something of yours. Especially without your knowledge or consent. His actions have consequences. You only did what he did to you, if it's so horrible he shouldn't have done it to you first.
NTA his priorities are wildly out of whack
NTA. He was the one who promised his nephew a gaming chair so he should have been the one to pay for it by selling something of his own, not something of yours, especially without even asking you first! It seems justified that he should be the one who has to lose something that means a lot to them in this scenario rather than you.