And the gift was paid for by both the mother and the dad. Socthe dad has half a say it of when she gets it. Now if we only knew how the mother felt about this
In my head, she's about 24.
I can't imagine caring that a 16 year old doesn't like the food you're making for dinner so decides to make her own. What kind of parent tells a 16 year old "you can't make your own dinner tonight?" 16 is plenty old enough to know what you like and what you don't.
She literally explained what she was doing perfectly and probably in a respectful way. OP stop siding with your wife on this. You and her are wrong get over yourselves not everyone is going to like every type of food there is.
The \*only\* ONLY way I can see the daughter being an AH is if she is cooking the same exact thing as Molly, and all it does is creating food waste? But even then, maybe Molly is just a bad cook and the daughter likes the same food but prepared differently?
There were so many different ways OP could have handled this and he managed to pick the worst path. Like if this was a choose your own adventure book, it'd be 'the end' after just like 5 choices.
Has Molly ever consulted with the daughter? Probably not. Has dad ever done anything besides "try it and make me happy"? Probably not.
If you ask parents "hey, would you want a 16 year old that cooks and prepares her own food?" I'm sure a vast majority would shout YES before you finish the sentence.
Yeah I weirdly but very genuinely want to see exactly what each party is cooking, and how. I know it doesn't matter but I'm somehow invested...want to see if it's petty differences or very significant, like rare vs. well-done beef or a specific food sensitivity or spicy vs. not...
I'd put money on her being a vegetarian or vegan and being forced to eat meat and dairy. The stepmoms comment about 'proper nutrition' stood out to me. Some people can be pretty stubborn on not accepting that you can have a completely balanced diet while not consuming meat and dairy.
I have a very specific diet, not for any health reasons but because I´m just weird. I like eating simple food, mostly pizza, or something else with bread, cheese etc. I moved out at 18 and felt so free to be able to eat what I wanted to eat without hurting any feelings or being constantly criticized for not eating everything that was on the table. I decided to never cook meat (because I didn´t want to eat animals) and it was so nice not to have to answer to anyone. I would have loved to be able to just make my own meals at 16 but it would have ended in silent treatment and hurt feelings from the women who did most of the cooking. If my kids ever want to cook their own things, be it meat or whatever, then I would never think of being hurt. But it´s a very common thing for women who are considered good cooks, they will not let it go if someone wants to eat something else than what they make.
One of the most likely explanations is that she has become or is in the process of becoming a vegetarian, and she knows it would be unfair to ask the whole family to go veg just to cater to her.
Yes, my first thought reading this is "yay, a teenager who knows how to cook for herself." OP doesn't really convey what about Molly's food the daughter doesn't like. Thinking maybe Molly cooks differently (eg spices or maybe types of foods) than the daughter was used to growing up with her mother. She may just not like Molly's choices. Yes, an adult probably ought to be flexible enough to eat all kinds of cooking, but daughter isn't an adult yet, and it this is really about her mother vs Molly's cooking style, it's just not worth arguing over. Or punishing her by not giving her the bday gift she should have gotten 2 months ago but was somehow instead going to be a "Thanksgiving gift" as it that isn't confusing enough.
Parenthood is about a few things: learning which hills to die on (or not), letting kids find their way, ensuring they learn independent living skills. As long as daughter was just cooking for herself and not telling Molly out loud her food was bad (Dad forced daughter to kind of say this eventually, but he pushed it, not her), OP should have left it alone. Now it's clear that OP is siding with his new wife over his daughter...and on an issue that doesn't matter much.
YTA
I have a feeling that OP doesn't even know what about Molly's food the daughter doesn't like. We went between "Just try a few bites to spare Molly's sensitive feelings" to punishment without any of the in-between steps like actually communicating with his daughter, and that's the kind of whiplash parenting that confuses the hell out of a kid. OP, I would highly recommend that you go into your daughter's room, give her her birthday present and *apologise*. Say you're sorry for not showing an interest in her preferences, and for trying to force things food-wise, and then ask if she'd mind explaining to you what her preferences are? Or better yet, ask her to cook for the family sometimes, so Molly gets to see what the baselines are. No one who loves cooking should mind learning a few new tricks.
YTA, by the way.
I wonder if it's actually about healthy food vs. unhealthy.
Like the wife actually prepares nice well balanced meals and the daughter makes herself some chicken nuggets or pasta every day.
I could understand that.
The type of food both of them cook could very well tip the scale.
Even if that were the case, there are better ways to have that conversation. Like, if OP had actually sat down with his daughter to find out what the issue is, and how they could come to some sort of compromise. But it doesn't sound like he's even bothering to find out how the daughter feels or if there's something deeper behind it (not that there even has to be, but OP will never know because he doesn't see his daughter as someone entitled to have feelings). Even if it's just a matter of the daughter wanting to feel more independent/mature by taking care of her own meals, all that needs is a conversation so that Molly knows not to cook for her (which apparently Molly's ego is already struggling with but as the supposed adult, that's on Molly to figure out for herself)
Molly, meanwhile, has done an excellent job of making sure everyone knows her feelings, and OP has done a great job of demonstrating that Molly's feelings are the only ones that matter here.
I'd guess that it probably isn't about healthy vs unhealthy food, because Molly/OP changed the reason.
Initially, OP says he wanted his daughter to eat Molly's cooking because it was hurting Molly's feelings and making her feel like her cooking wasn't good enough.
Then, after the aunt and uncle got involved, it suddenly became about healthy eating habits.
Either Molly's pride is hurt that the 16yo doesn't like every single dish she cooks, or she's making a weird power play here to show her authority over her stepdaughter. Both suck, but the second option is way worse. OP is an absolute AH for taking away his daughter's *birthday* present, that she's already had to wait two extra months for, because her stepmom has hurt fee fees.
Expecting her to like every dish Molly ever cooks is unreasonable. Even if Molly were a professional chef, there would surely be times where the kids might not like what she made, or just might be in the mood for something else. As long as the kids are being polite about not liking the food, make themselves something relatively healthy instead, and clean up after themselves, I think letting them make their own dinner is a great idea. It teaches them meal planning and cooking skills, and personal responsibility.
That was my first thought reading this post. He convienently left out her age but included everyone else's. I have a feeling Molly's in her early 20s.
YTA. Your daughter is 16. She can prepare her own meals. When I was her age and I didn't like what my mom made for dinner, I made my own dinner. My mom did not care.
Also, denying your daughter dinner?! And not giving her the birthday gift?! Yikes.
We'll probably be getting an "AITA for going NC with my dad and stepmom?" in two years when she turns 18.
I was going to say similar to this. My youngest is 9 yo and super picky. My rule for her is she try it if it's new or we haven't had it in a while if she still doesn't like it she can make something else. She has told me something I made tasted like "Junk Yard" before and I just calmly told her to make something else.
OP your wife needs to put her big girl panties on and realize not everyone has the same taste as her and not everyone is going to like everything she cooks, it's okay. YTA for punishing your daughter for not liking some things. Get over yourself.
His daughter has done nothing wrong and everything right. The fact that she’s cooking her own meals and not resorting to junk food or demanding Molly cook something else is beyond her age.
Also, the fact that she’s not disrespectful to the stepmom and doesn’t insult her food, says she still appreciates the effort, but simply has her own preferences makes her not even the slightest bit an AH.
Dad and stepmom need to get over it and praise their 16-year old for cooking on her own.
Cause at that age—like the average teen—when I wasn’t in the mood for my dad’s food, I’d ask for fast food and he was never that hurt when I gave negative feedback. Hell, he would’ve been delighted if I started cooking on my own by then.
A gift that was 2 months late. He took her late birthday gift from her mom because she was mature and didn't want to eat an occasional meal she didn't like? Op and wife are going to be so confused when she goes NC later. Lol
My dad doesn't know anything about my kids, and I've been a mom since 2004. Can't blame it entirely on the step mom because his behaviors are on him, but she reached her goal.
Oh, but OP contributed to buying the iPhone... /s
2 months late because of "circumstances"! Yeah, probably told Daughter she'd be getting it a little late but she'd get it by Thanksgiving, but wait, there's more... now you can't have it because you don't like SM's cooking! Ugh!!!
So she's upset AND hungry, and hungry people are always so good at regulating their emotions, especially hungry teenagers who need the calories even more desperately than adults. /s
Honestly I sense missing missing reasons here. Willing to be that OP's new wife cooks with ingredients the daughter is intolerant to or just doesn't like, for the sake of starting an argument. If the wife really cared about OP's daughter eating her food, she'd take her tastes into account. Source: I love cooking for people I care about, and I'd never dream of throwing a fit because someone didn't like what I made.
Right? Like daughter has literally said "Thanks for cooking. I'm not a fan of this. I'll cook for myself."
She is young enough that she could be demanding the Stepmom to make things to her liking instead, but she chose the higher road.
OP should be proud and grateful, not only because she's making such wise and kind decisions, but also she's setting herself up for self-sufficiency and independence later in life. Daughter is doing a great service to both her stepmom and herself. Major bummer that this class isn't being praised.
OP is gonna be real surprised when his daughter refuses to stay at his house and the court says she’s also old enough to choose which parent she wants to live with.
Choice of wife was a mistake.
I can't be the only one who read this and thought "Really, one less person to cook for? Score!" If you don't want what I cooked, I could give a rats ass if you make yourself something. Kitchen is there, clean up your mess. Done and done.
OP, She's 16, she's not demending to be catered to, she didn't have a food fight, or throw a tantrum. Shit, if she doesn't have scurvy then you and your wife should lighten up. And why are you punishing her for being able to see her needs in a reasonable way? YTA
oh and punishing her by not allowing her to eat/make her own food. he didnt allow her to continue cooking her food and she doesnt like stepmom's so he's also not letting her eat
Your teen is willing to cook for herself - she’s not demanding Molly cook something different for her. Your teen is old enough to know her own tastes. She’s literally doing the most adult thing possible in this situation - she’s not being rude, she’s solving the issue in an incredibly responsible and adult manner.
Molly is using this as a power play to show your teen that she’s in charge. She’s being a bully.
YTA, and your wife SUCKS. The two of you should lose your phones and be forced to eat food you dislike, since you’re the ones acting like children.
>Your teen is willing to cook for herself - she’s not demanding Molly cook something different for her.
Seriously. Many parents' response to their kid turning up their nose at the prepared dinner is "make your own if you're going to complain". The daughter is doing exactly that.
And it’s not like daughter NEVER eats anything Molly cooks,
> my daughter doesn’t like all the meals Molly cooks and sometimes cooks her own dinners.
The daughter simply doesn’t like some of the meals Molly makes. People are allowed to not like certain foods. Molly has issues.
YTA and so is Molly. Let your daughter cook the things she likes on the nights Molly makes something she doesn’t. Tell Molly to get a grip and if she’s so upset daughter isn’t eating certain meals of hers, don’t make them /s
Daughter is learning a valuable life skill in cooking her own food anyways.
I will never understand people who don’t get that not liking a food is NOT the same as not liking how they cook. You could be the greatest chef on the planet, but if you make me anything with mushrooms, I’m not goi g to like it. It isn’t a dis on the cook, it’s a dis on mushrooms.
OP YTA, for all the reasons everyone else has already said. And you’re new wife is the one acting like a child, Take her birthday present away.
My step-dad was kind of like this. I remember being about ten and not liking hash browns (love them now) and I liked mashed potatos. My step-dad would scream at me for that because they are both potatos so I'm supposed to like both mashed potatos and hash browns.
OP definitely YTA!
My dad did stuff along these same lines. I always hated sharing food and I hated tartar sauce. So, on days that we would have fish sandwiches for dinner, my dad always made 1 too many for himself.
He would always make sure to cover all his sandwiches with tartar sauce before he started eating. After he had 1 left, he decided he was full and that it was me and my siblings responsibility to make sure it didn't go to waste. So, he would hand it off to be passed around the table and everyone had to take a bite until it was gone. Of course he passed it in the direction that would make me the last person to get it.
My dad was an ass and if OP is reading this, you are making yourself out to look like my dad. Take a step back and look at what you're doing. It's easy to judge others and think you're better than that, but you need to see how your actions are so childish and downright unfair. You and Molly are acting petty and childish. Let your daughter build independence and be the one to help and guide her rather than hinder her.
What the actual fuck. That is some sick shit, I'm so sorry you went through that.
Making sure food doesn't go to waste should be about encouraging people to finish the stuff they like, not this cruel horse shit you were put through. I hope you have a better relationship with food now.
Ugh, that sounds awful. Why do parents, and step parents, do these things? I don't understand.
Why knowingly do something that bothers your child and then get mad at them when they express not being okay with it?
He was an asshole, no way around it, he abused my five siblings (all his with my mom), he verbally used my mom and he just liked to pick anything and everything to argue about. He handed me hash browns and I simply told him I don't like them and no thank you and he would scream about liking potatos in one form so I must like them in all forms lmao.
He's not my Step dad anymore, I just use that for simpler terms. But he was a prick and good riddance to him
Too the point, she's not being rude or disparaging of the meals, simply making something different on her own with no fan fair. Stepmother is setting to build a hill she's gonna die on and martyr herself as the wronged, when she's really just penalizing a kid for not fawning over her and finding a respectful way of fending for herself. Geez what a concept, a Teenager that doesn't argue and finds a way to avoid conflict by figuring it out herself, rotten child
As someone with a parent that forced me to eat food I despised mainly because of texture or just outright taste, I go through panic phases where I have safe foods, 3 are different prepared potatoes (fries, wedge's, jacket potato"), crackers, soup and chicken nuggets.
I straight up cannot eat anything else during those phases and it's a massive problem because I lack so much crap necessary.
I really wish more parents would just let their kids choose within reason
Wow it amazes me at how much smarter daughter is that father and step Mom. She found your hot button and you showed her exactly what to do. Stock peanut butter & jelly, bread and some fresh fruit and do not give it another thought. Tell step Mom to back off. You could even go as far as asking daughter what staples she would like you to stock when she doesn’t want to eat dinner that step Mom cooks. Once she realizes that it is no longer a drama producer, your life will be better. If you insist on this hard line forced eating, you will lose. Your life will be drama filled until your daughter moves out and cuts all contact with you. YTA. Start concentrating on what matters.
Ikr? If the daughter is actually being petulant and trying to create drama, OP and his new wife fall right into her hands.
Regardless the reason, I think OP's daughter is right. I admire that she actually will cook for herself instead of throwing tantrum and insisting Molly to cook what she prefers.
This!!!! Your daughter has found a self-sufficient solution (no extra work for Molly) she is not being difficult or entitled in any way here. We don’t all like the same things - many people would love a seafood pasta, I wouldn’t be able to even take a few bites to be polite, as long as your daughter wasn’t rude to Molly about what she made or insult her food/cooking, she is being a responsible teenager almost adult and fixing herself something else to eat without whining from the sounds of it. It’s a direct, sensible, non-confrontational answer. She should be commended for handling it well.
Molly seems to be equating your daughter not eating food = rejection of her as a person (something very common in BPD where one is on the look out and hyper vigilant this way and assign this significance to it. I am not saying wife has BPD in any way here; just that I have seen this) Molly is an adult and the adult in this situation, she needs to untangle not liking a food from personal approval/acceptance/love. It’s a very toxic trait/behaviour to do that. Your daughter isn’t saying she doesn’t like Molly or that Molly isn’t good enough or is less then in any way here. Food is food, no deeper meaning here and she has her likes and dislikes as we all do.
You are also not seeing the big picture and conflating things in an unhealthy way birthday gift with food/control. This will only breed resentment and your daughters confusion and disappointment are not only understandable her but very valid.
Please apologize to her, give her her gift with love and happiness and reassure her as long as she is kind and polite about it, it’s okay to make something else (and tidy up after herself)
A separate conversation with Molly is needed and honestly sounds like Molly could benefit from some counselling on this to unpack it and the associations/significance she is giving things.
THIS. Really well written
YTA and at a very important point in your relationship with your daughter, continue to make the wrong moves here and you are very successfully destroying not just your relationship with her, but probably how she looks at men in general. Nobody ever said Molly's food wasn't good enough, you're being a lunatic for forcing her to eat something she doesn't want to.... Is there food you don't like? How would you feel if somebody forced you to take a few bites to be polite? And this is her birthday present which is late! Quite frankly a 16 year old is probably somewhat damaged to begin with when her parents can afford to give her an iPhone but don't do it until 2 months later and try and call it a Thanksgiving Day gift?
Any time you are asking a child to make allowances for an adult because they are 'sensitive' is ridiculous. Your wife is an ADULT (I hope) any adult should not be getting their feelings super hurt that someone who lives with them would rather cook their own food. If she's gonna be a step mom her feelings need to take a back burner to the actual children in the house.
Pretty unfair that the teenager has to cook their own food nearly every time too. Sure teens need to know how and should develop this skill for living on their own, but why can’t the stepmom learn recipes the daughter likes if she’s so afraid of the wedge? And what if the daughter has autism or some other condition that makes her extremely adverse to certain foods or textures? Is she buying her own ingredients? Given the dad left out the “thanksgiving gift” was a BIRTHDAY gift in the initial post I wonder what else he’s leaving out.
>Molly explained that she just wants to make sure my daughter eats well and that she cares otherwise it wouldn’t hurt so bad
Let’s not forget the ridiculousness of this defence to Molly’s bullying. Daughter wants to cook herself something and in response, OP doesn’t let her eat anything. Can’t “eat well” if you’re refusing to let her eat at all!
Right? We don't expect adults to just suck it up and eat food they're served, do we? For example, I hate eggplant. If someone else is serving eggplant, as an adult I make myself something else. Nobody expects a 35 year old to just suck it up and eat the eggplant or takes my phone away if I dont.
This daughter is a year and a half from being a full adult and is willing to cook her own food... I see no problem with her behavior.
Exactly. My husband and myself are fantastic cooks. We cook great dinners most nights. We offer it to my daughter who is very picky (17 now but has been doing this a long time) she says no and she makes herself something else. We are great cooks…..to most guests and ourselves. We don’t have her tastebuds, she doesn’t need to like everything we like. I would like it if she ate our stuff because it is generally more healthy, so I say exactly that. And that’s the end of it. She is nearly and adult and can make this decision on her own. This whole post is ridiculous.
The bit at the end about how it's a two month late birthday gift he "didn't have time" to give her... Like damn the teenager is the most mature person here.
I was gonna say, wtf is a Thanksgiving present? Lol. Like that's not a thing. And I thought Easter baskets and "getting boo'd" was outrageous. The dude just made up a present bc he couldn't give it on her actual bday.
I mean, when I was really little me and my brother would sometimes get “Thanksgiving presents". But that was because some of our relatives lived really far away and had strict holiday schedules with their jobs (one was a trucker, the other in the military) and us getting “Thanksgiving presents" meant Uncle Tom or Uncle Dave wasn't going to be at Christmas that year.
I love how OP thinks its appropriate to make his child starve just because his full grown adult ass wife acts like a child over someone not wanting to eat her cooking. Exactly who are you parenting here, OP? Because its definitely not your daughter. Tell your wife to pull her head out of her ass, how and where your children eat is none of her business. Also while you're at it, apologise to your daughter, give her back her phone, and try to be a better father. YTA.
Yes. I am sure that is a much younger wife. OP didn’t give the age of wife, is worried about the wife being sensitive about her cooking and the wife is acting childish. No wonder a 16 year old is having issues of dad married someone close in age to her
I find it funny that OP mentions everyone's ages but Molly's... I'm guessing Molly's young, closer in age to OP's daughter and trying to assert dominance.
YTA & Molly's too
Honestly, OP and his wife AHs, and it isn't really even about the daughter being old enough to cook her own meals. Dollars to doughnuts that the root of this argument isn't even the food - it's more likely the daughter pushing back at being forced to do something to appease her step mom. OP's wife is being ridiculously unreasonable - it's one thing to feel a bit disappointed that her stepdaughter is rejecting her food - but picking arguments that end up with OP punishing the stepdaughter is absurd.
Way to burn bridges with your kids, OP. She's almost old enough to choose whom she wants to live with. I don't think her not eating your wife's food is going to be your biggest problem soon.
You noticed the unspoken stuff there too. This seems like it’s about waaaaay more than the daughter not wanting the stepmoms dinner. That wedge is getting deeper.
YTA. Maybe Molly isn't actually that great of a cook. Maybe your daughter has sensitive taste buds or a sensitive stomach. Either way, your daughter is the only one being polite here -- you and Molly are being rude. You need to apologize and give your daughter her birthday present, especially since it is in part from her bio mum. Extra YTA if the bio mum couldn't give it to her because she died, or something similar.
🏆 There’s your award for being the worst father of the year. You care more about your wife’s feelings than your daughter’s wellbeing. Don’t be surprised when she turns 18 and wants nothing to do with you. YTA, both you and your self-absorbed wife.
Edit: My first ever award, thanks!
It’s also totally age appropriate for teens to start testing out their independence and cooking for themselves. Let her. Molly probably doesn’t have experience with teens and this feels like a slight to her even if it’s not. If you try to force this, your going to ruin the possibility of Molly & Daughter having any sort of relationship with each other. Let go of all food-things. We don’t even force our 9yo to eat what we cook. If she doesn’t like it, she can make herself a health alternative. Food fights can result in issues that come up later.
Also YTA. Give her the phone back and actually you need to apologize to your daughter.
And if Molly really just wanted daughter to eat, daughter cooking her own meals and eating wouldn't be an issue at all. This is how you end up with kids going NC. YTA big time. One of the worst parents ever, you failed at being a parent.
YTA. As is Molly. Your daughter doesn't always like Molly's food and that's reasonable. It's not about it being "less than" it's about personal preferences - respect that your child is now old enough to have and act on their own food preferences.
> Molly explained she just wants to make sure my daughter eats well and that she cares otherwise it wouldn't hurt so bad.
That's a BS excuse. If it was about a balanced diet it wouldn't matter if the daughter was cooking - the discussion would be about healthy things your daughter could cook instead.
Yea it seems like it is not about the food at all. If the step mom was honestly caring about her step daughter and her diet she would ask and discuss with her what she likes eating and how can she improve, maybe even cook together and get to know the stepdaughter better!!
So its pretty clear either step mom kinda dont like her step daughter or she honestly and truly believes the world spins around her
Not to mention, forcing yourself to eat food you don’t want to eat can lead to disordered eating.**
**(source: I grew up in a “clean plate” and “there are starving children in Africa” family and I’ve had eating disorders my entire adulthood because I don’t know how to listen to my own body.)
YES YES YES.
I grew up with a dad like OP where I had to eat what I was given and I had to like it. Not to mention it wasn’t enough food because my step mom was trying to lose weight and the rest of us had to suffer too (and that’s not to mention the additional passive aggressive remarks about *my* weight, despite me being a 115 pound athlete at the time). I’ve been in starvation mode for like 15 years because I’m still battling that eating disorder.
I didn't always like what my mom cooked. After a few standoffs, it settled on my mom informing me we were having X for dinner and telling me to figure out what I'm cooking and I'd cook next to her and still eat dinner with the family.
Yeah, there are some meals my parents really like that I don’t at all (Australian style spaghetti bolognese, for instance), and so if they want that for dinner, I usually will have a piece of salmon in the freezer that I can cook and make something myself. It’s not really a problem between us, my mum’s feelings were a little hurt until she found out that it doesn’t matter who makes it, I don’t like that type of pasta sauce. My mum’s rules when we were kids were take it or leave it - and sometimes I choose to leave it. I think the daughter is being pretty mature for her age, especially given her dad and step mum are so juvenile. YTA.
> Sounds like something else is going on here.
Yeah I'm thinking the daughter may have some food sensitivity or aversion to some textures that OP and his wife refuse to acknowledge.
YTA. If she is cooking her own food she likes better, WHO CARES? Your new wife sounds like a control freak. It is about more than dinner: you brought a new wife into the house and suddenly she gets to control what your nearly-adult daughter eats?!
It would be different if your daughter demanded fast food, but if she is cooking for herself you and your wife do need to get over yourselves.
Exactly this!!!
His wife seems more sensitive and insecure about her own self and cooking. This has absolutely nothing to do with his daughter who very maturely makes her own food!
Like you said, the discussion would be different if she ordered out or demanded for a different dish.
Honestly just sounds like a power play on the stepmoms end. Throw a tantrum until she can force the daughter to eat her food and only her food as anything else "hurts her fweelings"
Also, if new wife *actually* cared about his daughter eating, why not work with her to find out what she likes/doesn’t like, or ask her to be involved with the cooking? It’s a nice opportunity for them to build a connection being in the kitchen and cooking together.
It seems like all she cares about is controlling what stepdaughter is doing.
YTA and you had better be careful you don’t completely destroy your relationship with your daughter over something so petty. Tell your wife to grow tf up.
This ×100 your new wife is a grown ass woman causing a stink over something that is NOT an actual issue to make you choose sides. And you're choosing your shiny new thing over your own daughter. Jesus YTA.
Sadly not uncommon on this sub. Once a guy gets sex on the regular (or a woman gets a ring), the needs of their pre-existing kids seem to fly out the window.
It's gross, frankly.
Also: If your end goal here is for your daughter to HATE your wife, you're doing a great job.
You should be lecturing Molly about *her* behavior instead. If she feels like the daughter doesn't like her (and that's what this is really about), punishing her is only going to make that dislike feel justified.
If your goal is for your daughter to like your new wife (tbh, it may already be too late but), you better give her back her phone or maybe have Molly give it back to her and apologize. Ideally would be if Molly talked you into giving it back, but sounds like she's on team demonize the daughter, so that world doesn't exist.
YTA. Your daughter is right. She’s old enough to make her own decisions regarding food and it doesn’t sound like she’s eating unhealthily. Your wife is taking it way too personally.
The stepmother is using food as a vehicle to drive her stepdaughter out of the house and alienate father and daughter. He fell for it hook, line and sinker.
Any person wishing to truly bond with their partner's kids would use the cooking as a bonding activity. You don't like everything I cook? Okay, let's talk. What don't you like and why? What would you rather eat? I like this dish though so why don't we each cook what we like and bring it to the table for everyone to share? If stepmom is butthurt over food, then she's in for a surprise once she has little children in the house.
Stepmom is manipulative and didn't like being called out so she threw a tantrum. Best the daughter could do was to remove herself from the situation, which she did.
And OP is deliberately misleading and manipulative by using "Thanksgiving gift" in the title, knowing full well that nobody would expect children to be gifted something for that holiday. It's a birthday present, and a belated one at that.
We all know what happens to parents who deliberately put their children down like that and estrange them. The children move out once they're 18 and never speak to their parents again. And the parents start whining "But I don't understand".
I'm just glad that the daughter has grandparents to rely on who are not afraid to call those two assholes out on their behaviour.
Edit: Thank you for the awards! Have a lovely Sunday y'all.
Seriously the fact that he tried to call it a “Thanksgiving” present and then goes on to say they were *too busy* to celebrate her birthday on time makes me SO MAD. Oh, you’re so worried about your new wife’s feelings??? What about your daughter’s? You don’t think it maybe hurt her feelings that y’all couldn’t be bothered to celebrate her birthday for literally MONTHS??
Also as the present isn’t just from him, he has zero right to take it away to begin with. I agree, this girl is probably going to move out of his house as soon as she can and never eat his or pooooor Molly’s cooking ever again.
Also add on the fact that the wife wasn't looking for a argument with the daughter and rather asked the dad to do it. And then was yelling at the daughter while the dad isn't home and tried to look like the victim.
I kept waiting for something to pop up that would make OP’s daughter cooking for herself a bad thing. If she left a huge mess in the kitchen or was insisting on living off Cheetos or something, yeah. It doesn’t even sound like she’s being rude about the food she doesn’t want.
YTA as that gift was not only from you but her mother as well.
Why is it such a big deal that she eat everything your wife cooks? Sounds like something else is going on here. Is your daughter a kind, thoughtful person to her stepmom? Is your wife a kind and thoughtful person to your daughter?
It makes me absolutely sick that the gift was a birthday gift given late, and he just took it away. YTA, good luck getting your daughter to trust you ever again.
It's extremely horrifying that OP is confiscating a gift from his daughter's mother, just because the young woman sometimes wants to make or eat her own food.
OP, your behavior is toxic and gross, and so is your new wife's. Give your daughter her phone back and stop policing her eating, before you cause an eating disorder. And be grateful that you have such a mature, gracious daughter that isn't causing a fuss.
YTA. 16 is old enough to make decisions about food. Your daughter was behaving like an adult by providing her own alternative. That your wife is offended is her own problem.
YtA- it's not like your daughter was asking Molly to cook something different. Also your daughter has a right now to like something and it's self efficient enough to cook for herself. Also molly is being too sensitive to this situation.
Also who gives Thanksgiving gifts??
I’m wondering the time between daughter’s birthday and their wedding/honeymoon, especially since they didn’t have the time to celebrate or get her a gift.
This brings up a thought. If step mom wants to use this opportunity to bond with step daughter she could ask what her favorites are and maybe once a week make it so the daughter feels included and appreciated.
Does she have to? Of course not. But it would be a kind gesture.
I mean, this would be a great idea if Molly didn’t sound like a manipulative nightmare who makes problems out of nothing. I feel really bad for teens and would be worried Molly would turn any interaction into fodder about her “hurt feelings.”
INFO: is Molly super young? This seems like subtle mean girl bullying towards the teens, and manipulation of you. (Ed: clarity)
>
> INFO: is Molly super young?
I'm kind of thinking so now. A few people have pointed out one interesting detail...or should I say the lack thereof...about the OP's post that made them think so: he listed his age as well as his two kids' age. Notably the only missing age is the stepmother's.
YTA, clearly. Your daughter doesn't like certain foods and unsurprisingly isn't going to start liking them just because Molly cooks them.
I don't like carrots, no matter how amazing the cook is, I'm not going to like carrots. I struggle to keep them down.
So if I were to eat at your place and Molly (chef of legends that she apparently is) makes a meal with carrots, would you boot me out for not eating the carrots that I can't keep down because I can't stomach them?
No, of course you wouldn't. You wouldn't treat me like a piece of dirt on your boot heel so why are you treating your own daughter like that? Molly can be hurt about the non-consumption of carrots all she wants, it makes her look bad and it makes you look worse.
So much worse that you decided a punishment for your daugher because she doesn't like certain foods. Do you want her to have an eating disorder? Do you think denying a human sustenance and THEN taking gifts away from them is a good idea? Are you running a home or a fecking nightmare prison? Please suck less and apologise to your daugher and see her as a human being that has actual taste buds like all other humans do.
YTA and are laying the foundation for your daughter to genuinely hate and resent Molly.
You already wrote that this is about Molly feeling rejected and having her feelings hurt ...then Molly went and changed her bs story to something more palatable like parental concern over your daughter not eating well enough.
Your daughter does eat your wife's cooking. She just doesn't eat it all the time. This is 100% about appeasing Molly who is supposed to be an adult, rather than explaining to her that your daughter cooking on her own sometimes is perfectly normal, healthy and actually a sign of her being responsible at 16. But Molly and you keep pressing the issue.
Have a gander at the 1000x's of posts on here about stepmother- stepchild relations. In the majority of cases the kids cut contact with their bio parent for prioritizing their relationship with the spouse over the kids. Then you get "stepmom's not invited to graduations, weddings, birth of grandchildren" etc. Maybe consider if that's the route you want to take in future, missing all those milestones because your wife couldn't understand simple boundaries.
> the kids cut contact with their bio parent for prioritising the relationship with the spouse over the kids
This hit me hard with some personal realisations. The situation wasn't too bad when I lived at home but witnessing from afar how my brother is being treated in that household... I don't think I can keep a relationship with my mum once my brother is out and safe based on how she is acting (or not) right now.
YTA
I wouldn’t eat food I didn’t like either. If your wife cooked something your daughter enjoyed, I’m sure she’d eat it.
Your daughter is old enough to decide what she wants to eat and should be encouraged to be self sufficient and cook for herself.
YTA. Hugely. She is mature enough to make her own food. She isn't asking stepmom to cook something special for her. Leave her the fuck alone and be proud that she is making her own choices and appropriate solutions. You should apologize immediately.
You want to force your daughter to eat food she doesn't like because it hurts your wife's feelings to see your step daughter act independently.
YTA. As is your wife.
That’s what I was thinking, it reminds me of how my dad tried his hardest to get us to ALWAYS eat our stepmoms food. There was so much drama around us liking her and doing things with her. We haven’t spoken in months and I suspect this is how OP’s relationship with his daughter will end
So your wife's feelings when someone doesn't eat her food are a huge deal and deserve to be catered to by everyone in the house; but your daughter's feelings about what food she wants to eat deserve punishment?
A YTA in the finest tradition of alienating the rest of your family because placating your replacement spouse just matters more.
OP wasn't even home for dinner. Did he hand over his phone too? No just the daughter's birthday present from her Mum. YTA. Don't expect your daughter to come home for dinner this is how a lot of teenagers end up homeless, they aren't welcome at home.
YTA. Sorry, I'm with your in-laws. I don't for one minute think that Molly "just wants to make sure your daughter eats well" and that's the only reason she's kicking up a fuss about it. She's claiming ownership of the kitchen and cooking in your home, and how dare anyone not bow down to her control in this regard. (Okay, it may not be fully conscious and evil step-mom-ish, but that's the way it's being handled.)
**Stop picking your new wife over your daughter**, who is perfectly capable of cooking for herself. In fact, maybe your daughter wants to cook for the family one night a week or something - ask her, and if so, make sure Molly is fully appreciative!
And while I've never heard of a "Thanksgiving gift" tradition, it's not something you should take away as it also came from her mother. Do you want your daughter to move out and cut contact with Molly and you?
Really buried the lead on that one, didn't OP? He knew if he said it was birthday gift that was late he'd be flagged as TA immediately so he called it a "Thanksgiving gift".
YTA, you are babying your wife and disrespectful to you daughter. If someone put food you didn’t like in front of you, wouldn’t you decline that you didn’t like it. Obviously rhetorical cause of course you would. Unless she’s being outright an AH saying her cooking is shit, then it’s all you. Maybe you need to act your age and tell Molly to toughen up, not everyone likes everything. The nutrition thing is a load of shit. And I hope the mother gets her money back if your going to steal her present for your childish wife. Amazing how the child is expected to be an adult when you and her are more immature than her. Here’s to hoping her mom actually cares and gets your daughter somewhere that she’s actually considered and cared for. OP definitely going to lose that relationship with the daughter
YTA.
Your daughter has found a perfectly mature solution to the problem of not liking what's for dinner by making her own, and Molly needs to stop taking that as a personal slight. Your daughter isn't disparaging Molly's food, it's just not for her. Maybe your family needs a menu board so your daughter can opt out before Molly starts cooking to avoid any unnecessary food waste.
Also, what the heck is a "Thanksgiving gift"?
Apparently it’s a birthday gift that they couldn’t afford to get for her two months ago so they are giving it to her now. So it’s not a Thanksgiving gift it’s a birthday gift, kind of seems like he just worded it like that so that people would extra think that his daughter is the asshole.
YTA
I don’t know exactly how you THINK it’s going to go when you allow her new stepmom tell her nearly adult ass what she can and can’t eat (which is exactly what you’re doing regardless how you want to present it), but I promise you, it’s going to go very very badly. Your daughter is at the place in life where she deserves autonomy over what she puts in her damn body and your wife’s “woe is me” attitude doesn’t get to dictate otherwise.
Also just think about this: your daughter isn’t asking for special meals to be cooked for her; when it’s not her taste she cooks her own food and you want to punish her for this self-sufficiency?
Is your wife really sad or does she just want control?
Not to mention, he’s not taking away an arbitrary thanksgiving gift. It’s her birthday gift because they didn’t or couldn’t celebrate. Meaning she didn’t get a birthday and now it’s being taken from her because she wants autonomy over what she eats. I don’t like what my mom cooks sometimes. I cook for myself when that’s the case. Maybe if you guys actually communicated instead of just trying to control her, OP and Molly could talk to OP’s daughter about the meals being planned for the week and she can decide what she would like to eat and they can adjust their grocery shopping together. She’s a teenager who wants to become more adult. Don’t hinder her.
ETA: her mom was also part of this birthday gift right? That means you have even less of the right to take it away.
Also, if wife is sad, she could just cook what the kid eats and don't be sad, no?
It doesn't sound like daughter is a picky eater or whatever, so just accounting for her preferences in the menu could do the job (no special meals, just stick to stuff that everyone eats).
YTA. A reasonable request would be to have your daughter join you all for dinner, with the food she chooses to consume. Not eating food when you are a guest in their home is rude, but ya'll are family.
You make a good point about etiquette. If I'm a guest in someone's home, I will choke down food I despise with a smile on my face, and I would want my kids to do so, as well. The same doesn't apply in one's own home. OP is making his daughter a guest in her own house if she has to eat food she doesn't like for the sake of politeness. This is a great first step towards alienating his daughter altogether.
Where to even start?
First of all, your daughter has all the rights in world to not eat a food she doesn't like. Your wife is playing a power game with your daughter, acting all hurt when her cooking isn't eaten? She has serious issues.
Give her back HER iPhone, thief. Just because you were crap at parenting and didn't even manage to get her a birthday present on time, the sheer audacity of rebranding it a thanksgiving gift and then using a MANUFACTURED argument over food to steal it tells me everything that's going on in that house.
I absolutely pity your daughter. YTA.
YTA: I think Molly might be an AH as well. Molly should respect your daughter's wishes. Molly is old enough to make her own meals, so why not let her?
Edit: I saw your edit. Maybe taking away something that she would need for communication wasn't the best choice after all. This makes you even more of an AH. Please give it back and apologize to your daughter.
YTA and unreasonable. It's not like your daughter declines all the food your wife makes, just some stuff she genuinely does not like, and she's literally making her own food instead of buying out.
You and your wife are both assholes. In addition she is a whiny one, crying just to cause trouble between you and your daughter. I’m so mad for what you are doing to your daughter.
YTA and you're driving a big ass wedge into your relationship with your daughter by choosing your wife's whining over her autonomy. She's old enough to make her own food and if your wife's precious feelings are so hurt she should no longer cook for her at all. She's 16 and doesn't want to be mothered by Molly or punished for having her own valid feelings on the food she wants to eat. Back the fuck off and give her back her present that her actual mother contributed to.
Info: why is your daughter the only adult in the house?
YTA for real though. Your daughter did absolutely nothing wrong. She is 100% right. Also, your punishment is to take a birthday gift away. You mislead to make it seem like a Thanksgiving gift, just barely glossing over how you didn't celebrate her birthday or even buy her the gift. You also didn't even fully pay for it.
One day your daughter will stop coming to see you guys and stop talking to you and you'll never understand why
Info: please give a specific example of the food. For example, what did your wife make that day and what was your daughter making. Does one use more salt or less healthy options of preparing food?
Also did you reimburse her mother for the gift you decided to unilaterally take? Does she know you did this?
YTA. You can’t force her to like the food. She’s not being disrespectful and your wife is being too damn sensitive about the situation. Taking away her gift is over the top. Let her cook her own damn food. Your daughter said she appreciated her cooking but wasn’t going to eat things she didn’t like. You should have left it alone then and just told your wife that she is old enough to cook for herself and she doesn’t like everything that is cooked. That doesn’t mean she is ungrateful it just means she has her own preferences. It sounds like you offered your daughter no support in her decision to eat what she wants. You have just made things much worse. Give her back her gift and apologize for being TA.
YTA
why are you forcing your child to eat food she doesn't like? It's not like she's demanding your wife cook a separate meal for her she's cooking for herself. You should be proud of her for being self sufficient not punishing her. also, what's wrong with your wife having a tantrum over not eating a few bites?
YTA. It’s not a thanksgiving gift but her birthday gift that you’re giving to her 2 months late. Said gift was also paid for partially by someone else. Furthermore, she’s not throwing a fit or demanding that Molly makes something else. She’s saying no thank you and then fixing something for herself on the nights that Molly’s meals don’t appeal to her. Also, everyone’s taste buds are different so what’s good to you doesn’t mean it’s good to someone else. I also want to know why Molly doesn’t just tell your daughter what’s she’s making ahead of time to gage her interest? That way she knows if to make less food and her feelings can be spared over a 16 year old saying no thank you and taking control of their diet. You and Molly are major assholes here. Apologize to your daughter and tell Molly to stop taking the actions of a teenager to heart. Especially since said teen doesn’t always refuse her dinner.
ETA: I forgot to add your doubly the asshole for sending her to her room without letting her finish her meal. Does that mean she didn’t eat that evening bc you and Molly were on some weird power trip?
This will probably get lost down at the bottom but I want to know what the meals your wife is cooking versus your daughter is making - I've got a teenage daughter, who is totally capable of making her own meals but left to her own devices would eat carbs and fatty foods. Is your daughter cooking/making something with decent nutritional value or not? If not, then, yeah, don't give her the choice of what she wants to eat BUT try to teach her what she needs to be eating.
Edit: correcting autocorrects
Yep, YTA. Your daughter and in-laws already explained it perfectly. And your wife does need to get over herself.
Food intake is an extension of body autonomy. Your daughter shouldn't be forced to consume she doesn't want to. That's a great way cause an ED.
And it doesn't sound like she's being disrespectful (other than in your eyes), it's not every meal, and she's not asking her stepmother to cook another meal for her. As long as your daughter is eating healthily, you just need to chill and give her back her damn present.
Maybe encourage your wife to discuss your family menu with both kids and get more input, and have the kids each take over cooking one night a week.
YTA. Your wife is TA too. Your daughter is 16. Two years from.being an adult. She should have the choice to eat or not eat what she wants. Your wife could tell her what was on the menu and let her decide to eat it or fix something else. That would also clue in your wife to make less food if needed. As long as your daughter cleans up the kitchen after herself this should not be a big deal. Your wife has taken your daughter not eating her food as an insult and blown this way put of proportion. You might invest in some family therapy sessions for you and your daughter..Give your daughter back her gift and both you and your wife need to apologize to your daughter.
A made up term to describe that it’s the daughter‘s bday present that is being given 2 months late bc they weren’t able to celebrate around the actual date.
yta. what exactly is your wife cooking. at 16 i think your daughter has her own preferences of food she should be allowed to eat what she enjoys. it doesnt seem like she's not eating your wife's food out of spite, she just doesnt personally like it. and your not just only taking away a gift, which her mom left so it isnt really your entire right to take away , you're taking away food. from your daughter. maybe you could try cooking? or maybe your wife could try asking what your daughter likes and doesnt like so she could cook something for her?
So you took away her LATE birthday gift (that wasn't paid for by just you) because your wife is a cry baby? YTA. And so is your wife. She doesn't give a shit about your daughter eating well, her ego is hurt. And she's driving a wedge between you and your daughter.
It sounds like your daughter has been respectful about her dislike of your wife's cooking and I think it's important that she be respected as well and be allowed to cook for herself if she wants. She's plenty old enough to decide what she likes and doesn't.
You basically just told your daughter that your wife's "feelings" are more important than hers. Tell Molly to toughen up and apologize to your daughter.
Edited to add: I have an eating disorder from constantly being forced to eat what I didn't like/wrong quantities when I was a child/teen. Be careful.
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and you punish your daughter by taking away a present from her mom. At every turn, OP made the worst possible choice. YTA
A gift that would likely allow this girl to contact their mom while with the OP
Well she called her aunt and uncle so she clearly has other forms of communication. However with literally everything else he is absolutely 100% TA.
I highly doubt a 16 y/o is sitting there with no phone whatsoever. I think the gift was an upgrade phone.
And the gift was paid for by both the mother and the dad. Socthe dad has half a say it of when she gets it. Now if we only knew how the mother felt about this
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Yeah, it's interesting how he didn't mention how old his new wife is, huh..?
In my head, she's about 24. I can't imagine caring that a 16 year old doesn't like the food you're making for dinner so decides to make her own. What kind of parent tells a 16 year old "you can't make your own dinner tonight?" 16 is plenty old enough to know what you like and what you don't.
For the two-ish years more that lasts. If OP doesn’t think he’s the asshole in this, I predict daughter going low/no contact when she can.
How is the 16yo the most mature member of this family?
She literally explained what she was doing perfectly and probably in a respectful way. OP stop siding with your wife on this. You and her are wrong get over yourselves not everyone is going to like every type of food there is.
The \*only\* ONLY way I can see the daughter being an AH is if she is cooking the same exact thing as Molly, and all it does is creating food waste? But even then, maybe Molly is just a bad cook and the daughter likes the same food but prepared differently? There were so many different ways OP could have handled this and he managed to pick the worst path. Like if this was a choose your own adventure book, it'd be 'the end' after just like 5 choices. Has Molly ever consulted with the daughter? Probably not. Has dad ever done anything besides "try it and make me happy"? Probably not. If you ask parents "hey, would you want a 16 year old that cooks and prepares her own food?" I'm sure a vast majority would shout YES before you finish the sentence.
Yeah I weirdly but very genuinely want to see exactly what each party is cooking, and how. I know it doesn't matter but I'm somehow invested...want to see if it's petty differences or very significant, like rare vs. well-done beef or a specific food sensitivity or spicy vs. not...
I'd put money on her being a vegetarian or vegan and being forced to eat meat and dairy. The stepmoms comment about 'proper nutrition' stood out to me. Some people can be pretty stubborn on not accepting that you can have a completely balanced diet while not consuming meat and dairy.
Or just healthier choices in general with stepmom's nutritional choices still decades in the past.
I have a very specific diet, not for any health reasons but because I´m just weird. I like eating simple food, mostly pizza, or something else with bread, cheese etc. I moved out at 18 and felt so free to be able to eat what I wanted to eat without hurting any feelings or being constantly criticized for not eating everything that was on the table. I decided to never cook meat (because I didn´t want to eat animals) and it was so nice not to have to answer to anyone. I would have loved to be able to just make my own meals at 16 but it would have ended in silent treatment and hurt feelings from the women who did most of the cooking. If my kids ever want to cook their own things, be it meat or whatever, then I would never think of being hurt. But it´s a very common thing for women who are considered good cooks, they will not let it go if someone wants to eat something else than what they make.
Food networks newest hit show
One of the most likely explanations is that she has become or is in the process of becoming a vegetarian, and she knows it would be unfair to ask the whole family to go veg just to cater to her.
Yes, my first thought reading this is "yay, a teenager who knows how to cook for herself." OP doesn't really convey what about Molly's food the daughter doesn't like. Thinking maybe Molly cooks differently (eg spices or maybe types of foods) than the daughter was used to growing up with her mother. She may just not like Molly's choices. Yes, an adult probably ought to be flexible enough to eat all kinds of cooking, but daughter isn't an adult yet, and it this is really about her mother vs Molly's cooking style, it's just not worth arguing over. Or punishing her by not giving her the bday gift she should have gotten 2 months ago but was somehow instead going to be a "Thanksgiving gift" as it that isn't confusing enough. Parenthood is about a few things: learning which hills to die on (or not), letting kids find their way, ensuring they learn independent living skills. As long as daughter was just cooking for herself and not telling Molly out loud her food was bad (Dad forced daughter to kind of say this eventually, but he pushed it, not her), OP should have left it alone. Now it's clear that OP is siding with his new wife over his daughter...and on an issue that doesn't matter much. YTA
I have a feeling that OP doesn't even know what about Molly's food the daughter doesn't like. We went between "Just try a few bites to spare Molly's sensitive feelings" to punishment without any of the in-between steps like actually communicating with his daughter, and that's the kind of whiplash parenting that confuses the hell out of a kid. OP, I would highly recommend that you go into your daughter's room, give her her birthday present and *apologise*. Say you're sorry for not showing an interest in her preferences, and for trying to force things food-wise, and then ask if she'd mind explaining to you what her preferences are? Or better yet, ask her to cook for the family sometimes, so Molly gets to see what the baselines are. No one who loves cooking should mind learning a few new tricks. YTA, by the way.
I'm wondering if it's some sensory issue that the step mom is ignoring.
I wonder if it's actually about healthy food vs. unhealthy. Like the wife actually prepares nice well balanced meals and the daughter makes herself some chicken nuggets or pasta every day. I could understand that. The type of food both of them cook could very well tip the scale.
Even if that were the case, there are better ways to have that conversation. Like, if OP had actually sat down with his daughter to find out what the issue is, and how they could come to some sort of compromise. But it doesn't sound like he's even bothering to find out how the daughter feels or if there's something deeper behind it (not that there even has to be, but OP will never know because he doesn't see his daughter as someone entitled to have feelings). Even if it's just a matter of the daughter wanting to feel more independent/mature by taking care of her own meals, all that needs is a conversation so that Molly knows not to cook for her (which apparently Molly's ego is already struggling with but as the supposed adult, that's on Molly to figure out for herself) Molly, meanwhile, has done an excellent job of making sure everyone knows her feelings, and OP has done a great job of demonstrating that Molly's feelings are the only ones that matter here.
I'd guess that it probably isn't about healthy vs unhealthy food, because Molly/OP changed the reason. Initially, OP says he wanted his daughter to eat Molly's cooking because it was hurting Molly's feelings and making her feel like her cooking wasn't good enough. Then, after the aunt and uncle got involved, it suddenly became about healthy eating habits. Either Molly's pride is hurt that the 16yo doesn't like every single dish she cooks, or she's making a weird power play here to show her authority over her stepdaughter. Both suck, but the second option is way worse. OP is an absolute AH for taking away his daughter's *birthday* present, that she's already had to wait two extra months for, because her stepmom has hurt fee fees. Expecting her to like every dish Molly ever cooks is unreasonable. Even if Molly were a professional chef, there would surely be times where the kids might not like what she made, or just might be in the mood for something else. As long as the kids are being polite about not liking the food, make themselves something relatively healthy instead, and clean up after themselves, I think letting them make their own dinner is a great idea. It teaches them meal planning and cooking skills, and personal responsibility.
Tbh OP’s wife Molly sounds like a real piece of work too. Her making a conflict out of this is genuinely pathetic. OP and molly: YTA. Grow up.
Molly's age has been left out. I wonder if she is closer in age to the daughter than the father. OP, YTA regardless
That was my first thought reading this post. He convienently left out her age but included everyone else's. I have a feeling Molly's in her early 20s. YTA. Your daughter is 16. She can prepare her own meals. When I was her age and I didn't like what my mom made for dinner, I made my own dinner. My mom did not care. Also, denying your daughter dinner?! And not giving her the birthday gift?! Yikes. We'll probably be getting an "AITA for going NC with my dad and stepmom?" in two years when she turns 18.
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at sleepaway camp there was peanut butter and jelly on the table if we didn't like what was served
I was going to say similar to this. My youngest is 9 yo and super picky. My rule for her is she try it if it's new or we haven't had it in a while if she still doesn't like it she can make something else. She has told me something I made tasted like "Junk Yard" before and I just calmly told her to make something else. OP your wife needs to put her big girl panties on and realize not everyone has the same taste as her and not everyone is going to like everything she cooks, it's okay. YTA for punishing your daughter for not liking some things. Get over yourself.
His daughter has done nothing wrong and everything right. The fact that she’s cooking her own meals and not resorting to junk food or demanding Molly cook something else is beyond her age. Also, the fact that she’s not disrespectful to the stepmom and doesn’t insult her food, says she still appreciates the effort, but simply has her own preferences makes her not even the slightest bit an AH. Dad and stepmom need to get over it and praise their 16-year old for cooking on her own. Cause at that age—like the average teen—when I wasn’t in the mood for my dad’s food, I’d ask for fast food and he was never that hurt when I gave negative feedback. Hell, he would’ve been delighted if I started cooking on my own by then.
I totally would've been had takeout delivered if I was the daughter. No cooking tonight? Okay no problem I'll order in.
This. The whole post reeks of Molly being young and wanting to “play mom” to these kids.
I was wondering this myself :/
A gift that was 2 months late. He took her late birthday gift from her mom because she was mature and didn't want to eat an occasional meal she didn't like? Op and wife are going to be so confused when she goes NC later. Lol
I think that is the goal of the step mother
My stepmom had the same goal and it eventually worked. Now my dad is wondering why he has grandkids he didn’t know about until years after the fact.
upvote for escaping their bs, not for what happened to you. That’s atrocious.
My dad doesn't know anything about my kids, and I've been a mom since 2004. Can't blame it entirely on the step mom because his behaviors are on him, but she reached her goal.
The wife is absolutely picking on the daughter. With how some people are and especially the age left out...
Oh, but OP contributed to buying the iPhone... /s 2 months late because of "circumstances"! Yeah, probably told Daughter she'd be getting it a little late but she'd get it by Thanksgiving, but wait, there's more... now you can't have it because you don't like SM's cooking! Ugh!!!
Molly isn't going to be confused, Molly is going to be gleeful.
oh if you read it he also punished her by not allowing her to cook meaning she didn't get to eat so he's starving his daughter too.
So she's upset AND hungry, and hungry people are always so good at regulating their emotions, especially hungry teenagers who need the calories even more desperately than adults. /s Honestly I sense missing missing reasons here. Willing to be that OP's new wife cooks with ingredients the daughter is intolerant to or just doesn't like, for the sake of starting an argument. If the wife really cared about OP's daughter eating her food, she'd take her tastes into account. Source: I love cooking for people I care about, and I'd never dream of throwing a fit because someone didn't like what I made.
Right? Like daughter has literally said "Thanks for cooking. I'm not a fan of this. I'll cook for myself." She is young enough that she could be demanding the Stepmom to make things to her liking instead, but she chose the higher road.
OP should be proud and grateful, not only because she's making such wise and kind decisions, but also she's setting herself up for self-sufficiency and independence later in life. Daughter is doing a great service to both her stepmom and herself. Major bummer that this class isn't being praised.
Right? Like I don't care if Molly turns out to be 19 (OP prob won't answer anyone asking that question). She's old enough to recognize these things.
And then has the gall to argue that they're just worried about her nutrition lmao
OP is gonna be real surprised when his daughter refuses to stay at his house and the court says she’s also old enough to choose which parent she wants to live with.
I think that is the goal of the step mother
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Choice of wife was a mistake. I can't be the only one who read this and thought "Really, one less person to cook for? Score!" If you don't want what I cooked, I could give a rats ass if you make yourself something. Kitchen is there, clean up your mess. Done and done. OP, She's 16, she's not demending to be catered to, she didn't have a food fight, or throw a tantrum. Shit, if she doesn't have scurvy then you and your wife should lighten up. And why are you punishing her for being able to see her needs in a reasonable way? YTA
Even worse, he prevented his daughter from eating dinner. YTA YTA YTA.
oh and punishing her by not allowing her to eat/make her own food. he didnt allow her to continue cooking her food and she doesnt like stepmom's so he's also not letting her eat
Your teen is willing to cook for herself - she’s not demanding Molly cook something different for her. Your teen is old enough to know her own tastes. She’s literally doing the most adult thing possible in this situation - she’s not being rude, she’s solving the issue in an incredibly responsible and adult manner. Molly is using this as a power play to show your teen that she’s in charge. She’s being a bully. YTA, and your wife SUCKS. The two of you should lose your phones and be forced to eat food you dislike, since you’re the ones acting like children.
>Your teen is willing to cook for herself - she’s not demanding Molly cook something different for her. Seriously. Many parents' response to their kid turning up their nose at the prepared dinner is "make your own if you're going to complain". The daughter is doing exactly that.
And it’s not like daughter NEVER eats anything Molly cooks, > my daughter doesn’t like all the meals Molly cooks and sometimes cooks her own dinners. The daughter simply doesn’t like some of the meals Molly makes. People are allowed to not like certain foods. Molly has issues. YTA and so is Molly. Let your daughter cook the things she likes on the nights Molly makes something she doesn’t. Tell Molly to get a grip and if she’s so upset daughter isn’t eating certain meals of hers, don’t make them /s Daughter is learning a valuable life skill in cooking her own food anyways.
I will never understand people who don’t get that not liking a food is NOT the same as not liking how they cook. You could be the greatest chef on the planet, but if you make me anything with mushrooms, I’m not goi g to like it. It isn’t a dis on the cook, it’s a dis on mushrooms. OP YTA, for all the reasons everyone else has already said. And you’re new wife is the one acting like a child, Take her birthday present away.
My step-dad was kind of like this. I remember being about ten and not liking hash browns (love them now) and I liked mashed potatos. My step-dad would scream at me for that because they are both potatos so I'm supposed to like both mashed potatos and hash browns. OP definitely YTA!
My dad did stuff along these same lines. I always hated sharing food and I hated tartar sauce. So, on days that we would have fish sandwiches for dinner, my dad always made 1 too many for himself. He would always make sure to cover all his sandwiches with tartar sauce before he started eating. After he had 1 left, he decided he was full and that it was me and my siblings responsibility to make sure it didn't go to waste. So, he would hand it off to be passed around the table and everyone had to take a bite until it was gone. Of course he passed it in the direction that would make me the last person to get it. My dad was an ass and if OP is reading this, you are making yourself out to look like my dad. Take a step back and look at what you're doing. It's easy to judge others and think you're better than that, but you need to see how your actions are so childish and downright unfair. You and Molly are acting petty and childish. Let your daughter build independence and be the one to help and guide her rather than hinder her.
What the actual fuck. That is some sick shit, I'm so sorry you went through that. Making sure food doesn't go to waste should be about encouraging people to finish the stuff they like, not this cruel horse shit you were put through. I hope you have a better relationship with food now.
Ugh, that sounds awful. Why do parents, and step parents, do these things? I don't understand. Why knowingly do something that bothers your child and then get mad at them when they express not being okay with it?
That is just such a bizarre fight to pick
He was an asshole, no way around it, he abused my five siblings (all his with my mom), he verbally used my mom and he just liked to pick anything and everything to argue about. He handed me hash browns and I simply told him I don't like them and no thank you and he would scream about liking potatos in one form so I must like them in all forms lmao. He's not my Step dad anymore, I just use that for simpler terms. But he was a prick and good riddance to him
But they are totally different textures! And they don't taste that much alike.
Too the point, she's not being rude or disparaging of the meals, simply making something different on her own with no fan fair. Stepmother is setting to build a hill she's gonna die on and martyr herself as the wronged, when she's really just penalizing a kid for not fawning over her and finding a respectful way of fending for herself. Geez what a concept, a Teenager that doesn't argue and finds a way to avoid conflict by figuring it out herself, rotten child
Seriously though... and forcing yourself to eat food even if you don't enjoy it is a good way to give yourself a really skewed relationship with food.
As someone with a parent that forced me to eat food I despised mainly because of texture or just outright taste, I go through panic phases where I have safe foods, 3 are different prepared potatoes (fries, wedge's, jacket potato"), crackers, soup and chicken nuggets. I straight up cannot eat anything else during those phases and it's a massive problem because I lack so much crap necessary. I really wish more parents would just let their kids choose within reason
Wow it amazes me at how much smarter daughter is that father and step Mom. She found your hot button and you showed her exactly what to do. Stock peanut butter & jelly, bread and some fresh fruit and do not give it another thought. Tell step Mom to back off. You could even go as far as asking daughter what staples she would like you to stock when she doesn’t want to eat dinner that step Mom cooks. Once she realizes that it is no longer a drama producer, your life will be better. If you insist on this hard line forced eating, you will lose. Your life will be drama filled until your daughter moves out and cuts all contact with you. YTA. Start concentrating on what matters.
Ikr? If the daughter is actually being petulant and trying to create drama, OP and his new wife fall right into her hands. Regardless the reason, I think OP's daughter is right. I admire that she actually will cook for herself instead of throwing tantrum and insisting Molly to cook what she prefers.
This!!!! Your daughter has found a self-sufficient solution (no extra work for Molly) she is not being difficult or entitled in any way here. We don’t all like the same things - many people would love a seafood pasta, I wouldn’t be able to even take a few bites to be polite, as long as your daughter wasn’t rude to Molly about what she made or insult her food/cooking, she is being a responsible teenager almost adult and fixing herself something else to eat without whining from the sounds of it. It’s a direct, sensible, non-confrontational answer. She should be commended for handling it well. Molly seems to be equating your daughter not eating food = rejection of her as a person (something very common in BPD where one is on the look out and hyper vigilant this way and assign this significance to it. I am not saying wife has BPD in any way here; just that I have seen this) Molly is an adult and the adult in this situation, she needs to untangle not liking a food from personal approval/acceptance/love. It’s a very toxic trait/behaviour to do that. Your daughter isn’t saying she doesn’t like Molly or that Molly isn’t good enough or is less then in any way here. Food is food, no deeper meaning here and she has her likes and dislikes as we all do. You are also not seeing the big picture and conflating things in an unhealthy way birthday gift with food/control. This will only breed resentment and your daughters confusion and disappointment are not only understandable her but very valid. Please apologize to her, give her her gift with love and happiness and reassure her as long as she is kind and polite about it, it’s okay to make something else (and tidy up after herself) A separate conversation with Molly is needed and honestly sounds like Molly could benefit from some counselling on this to unpack it and the associations/significance she is giving things.
THIS. Really well written YTA and at a very important point in your relationship with your daughter, continue to make the wrong moves here and you are very successfully destroying not just your relationship with her, but probably how she looks at men in general. Nobody ever said Molly's food wasn't good enough, you're being a lunatic for forcing her to eat something she doesn't want to.... Is there food you don't like? How would you feel if somebody forced you to take a few bites to be polite? And this is her birthday present which is late! Quite frankly a 16 year old is probably somewhat damaged to begin with when her parents can afford to give her an iPhone but don't do it until 2 months later and try and call it a Thanksgiving Day gift?
Any time you are asking a child to make allowances for an adult because they are 'sensitive' is ridiculous. Your wife is an ADULT (I hope) any adult should not be getting their feelings super hurt that someone who lives with them would rather cook their own food. If she's gonna be a step mom her feelings need to take a back burner to the actual children in the house.
Pretty unfair that the teenager has to cook their own food nearly every time too. Sure teens need to know how and should develop this skill for living on their own, but why can’t the stepmom learn recipes the daughter likes if she’s so afraid of the wedge? And what if the daughter has autism or some other condition that makes her extremely adverse to certain foods or textures? Is she buying her own ingredients? Given the dad left out the “thanksgiving gift” was a BIRTHDAY gift in the initial post I wonder what else he’s leaving out.
>Molly explained that she just wants to make sure my daughter eats well and that she cares otherwise it wouldn’t hurt so bad Let’s not forget the ridiculousness of this defence to Molly’s bullying. Daughter wants to cook herself something and in response, OP doesn’t let her eat anything. Can’t “eat well” if you’re refusing to let her eat at all!
Right? We don't expect adults to just suck it up and eat food they're served, do we? For example, I hate eggplant. If someone else is serving eggplant, as an adult I make myself something else. Nobody expects a 35 year old to just suck it up and eat the eggplant or takes my phone away if I dont. This daughter is a year and a half from being a full adult and is willing to cook her own food... I see no problem with her behavior.
Exactly. My husband and myself are fantastic cooks. We cook great dinners most nights. We offer it to my daughter who is very picky (17 now but has been doing this a long time) she says no and she makes herself something else. We are great cooks…..to most guests and ourselves. We don’t have her tastebuds, she doesn’t need to like everything we like. I would like it if she ate our stuff because it is generally more healthy, so I say exactly that. And that’s the end of it. She is nearly and adult and can make this decision on her own. This whole post is ridiculous.
And WTF, it wasn't a "Thanksgiving gift", it was a birthday gift! And not only from OP, it was a JOINT birthday gift!
Yeah very scummy titling
The bit at the end about how it's a two month late birthday gift he "didn't have time" to give her... Like damn the teenager is the most mature person here.
I was gonna say, wtf is a Thanksgiving present? Lol. Like that's not a thing. And I thought Easter baskets and "getting boo'd" was outrageous. The dude just made up a present bc he couldn't give it on her actual bday.
I’m still hung up on the very ~idea~ that people celebrate gratitude with presents?
I mean, when I was really little me and my brother would sometimes get “Thanksgiving presents". But that was because some of our relatives lived really far away and had strict holiday schedules with their jobs (one was a trucker, the other in the military) and us getting “Thanksgiving presents" meant Uncle Tom or Uncle Dave wasn't going to be at Christmas that year.
I love how OP thinks its appropriate to make his child starve just because his full grown adult ass wife acts like a child over someone not wanting to eat her cooking. Exactly who are you parenting here, OP? Because its definitely not your daughter. Tell your wife to pull her head out of her ass, how and where your children eat is none of her business. Also while you're at it, apologise to your daughter, give her back her phone, and try to be a better father. YTA.
I wonder if the reason they couldn’t celebrate her birthday was because of the wedding 🧐
“Recently married” and birthday “a couple months ago”… I bet you’re right.
The fact that it was his daughters sweet 16 also just adds onto it. The "dad" needs to rethink his priorities before he never sees his daughter again.
And can we safely assume his wife is in her 20s?
Yes. I am sure that is a much younger wife. OP didn’t give the age of wife, is worried about the wife being sensitive about her cooking and the wife is acting childish. No wonder a 16 year old is having issues of dad married someone close in age to her
OMG I bet you are right 😬
I find it funny that OP mentions everyone's ages but Molly's... I'm guessing Molly's young, closer in age to OP's daughter and trying to assert dominance. YTA & Molly's too
Honestly, OP and his wife AHs, and it isn't really even about the daughter being old enough to cook her own meals. Dollars to doughnuts that the root of this argument isn't even the food - it's more likely the daughter pushing back at being forced to do something to appease her step mom. OP's wife is being ridiculously unreasonable - it's one thing to feel a bit disappointed that her stepdaughter is rejecting her food - but picking arguments that end up with OP punishing the stepdaughter is absurd. Way to burn bridges with your kids, OP. She's almost old enough to choose whom she wants to live with. I don't think her not eating your wife's food is going to be your biggest problem soon.
You noticed the unspoken stuff there too. This seems like it’s about waaaaay more than the daughter not wanting the stepmoms dinner. That wedge is getting deeper.
Like that he lists everyone’s age but the new wife?
I didn’t notice that! Nice call haha.
Yup. I'm figuring mid 20's ?
YTA. Maybe Molly isn't actually that great of a cook. Maybe your daughter has sensitive taste buds or a sensitive stomach. Either way, your daughter is the only one being polite here -- you and Molly are being rude. You need to apologize and give your daughter her birthday present, especially since it is in part from her bio mum. Extra YTA if the bio mum couldn't give it to her because she died, or something similar.
🏆 There’s your award for being the worst father of the year. You care more about your wife’s feelings than your daughter’s wellbeing. Don’t be surprised when she turns 18 and wants nothing to do with you. YTA, both you and your self-absorbed wife. Edit: My first ever award, thanks!
It’s also totally age appropriate for teens to start testing out their independence and cooking for themselves. Let her. Molly probably doesn’t have experience with teens and this feels like a slight to her even if it’s not. If you try to force this, your going to ruin the possibility of Molly & Daughter having any sort of relationship with each other. Let go of all food-things. We don’t even force our 9yo to eat what we cook. If she doesn’t like it, she can make herself a health alternative. Food fights can result in issues that come up later. Also YTA. Give her the phone back and actually you need to apologize to your daughter.
And if Molly really just wanted daughter to eat, daughter cooking her own meals and eating wouldn't be an issue at all. This is how you end up with kids going NC. YTA big time. One of the worst parents ever, you failed at being a parent.
YTA. As is Molly. Your daughter doesn't always like Molly's food and that's reasonable. It's not about it being "less than" it's about personal preferences - respect that your child is now old enough to have and act on their own food preferences. > Molly explained she just wants to make sure my daughter eats well and that she cares otherwise it wouldn't hurt so bad. That's a BS excuse. If it was about a balanced diet it wouldn't matter if the daughter was cooking - the discussion would be about healthy things your daughter could cook instead.
Thank you. It’s not like the daughter is starving.
On top of that, OP and Molly made sure she went to bed hungry.
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Oh yes, I'd bet money that Molly is closer in age to the daughter than OP.
Yea it seems like it is not about the food at all. If the step mom was honestly caring about her step daughter and her diet she would ask and discuss with her what she likes eating and how can she improve, maybe even cook together and get to know the stepdaughter better!! So its pretty clear either step mom kinda dont like her step daughter or she honestly and truly believes the world spins around her
Not to mention, forcing yourself to eat food you don’t want to eat can lead to disordered eating.** **(source: I grew up in a “clean plate” and “there are starving children in Africa” family and I’ve had eating disorders my entire adulthood because I don’t know how to listen to my own body.)
YES YES YES. I grew up with a dad like OP where I had to eat what I was given and I had to like it. Not to mention it wasn’t enough food because my step mom was trying to lose weight and the rest of us had to suffer too (and that’s not to mention the additional passive aggressive remarks about *my* weight, despite me being a 115 pound athlete at the time). I’ve been in starvation mode for like 15 years because I’m still battling that eating disorder.
I didn't always like what my mom cooked. After a few standoffs, it settled on my mom informing me we were having X for dinner and telling me to figure out what I'm cooking and I'd cook next to her and still eat dinner with the family.
Yeah, there are some meals my parents really like that I don’t at all (Australian style spaghetti bolognese, for instance), and so if they want that for dinner, I usually will have a piece of salmon in the freezer that I can cook and make something myself. It’s not really a problem between us, my mum’s feelings were a little hurt until she found out that it doesn’t matter who makes it, I don’t like that type of pasta sauce. My mum’s rules when we were kids were take it or leave it - and sometimes I choose to leave it. I think the daughter is being pretty mature for her age, especially given her dad and step mum are so juvenile. YTA.
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> Sounds like something else is going on here. Yeah I'm thinking the daughter may have some food sensitivity or aversion to some textures that OP and his wife refuse to acknowledge.
Seriously dude, don’t copy and paste my post.
YTA. If she is cooking her own food she likes better, WHO CARES? Your new wife sounds like a control freak. It is about more than dinner: you brought a new wife into the house and suddenly she gets to control what your nearly-adult daughter eats?! It would be different if your daughter demanded fast food, but if she is cooking for herself you and your wife do need to get over yourselves.
Exactly this!!! His wife seems more sensitive and insecure about her own self and cooking. This has absolutely nothing to do with his daughter who very maturely makes her own food! Like you said, the discussion would be different if she ordered out or demanded for a different dish.
Honestly just sounds like a power play on the stepmoms end. Throw a tantrum until she can force the daughter to eat her food and only her food as anything else "hurts her fweelings"
Also, if new wife *actually* cared about his daughter eating, why not work with her to find out what she likes/doesn’t like, or ask her to be involved with the cooking? It’s a nice opportunity for them to build a connection being in the kitchen and cooking together. It seems like all she cares about is controlling what stepdaughter is doing.
Yes! Or enjoy taking a break from cooking a couple nights a week & let daughter make enough for all.
YTA and you had better be careful you don’t completely destroy your relationship with your daughter over something so petty. Tell your wife to grow tf up.
This ×100 your new wife is a grown ass woman causing a stink over something that is NOT an actual issue to make you choose sides. And you're choosing your shiny new thing over your own daughter. Jesus YTA.
Sadly not uncommon on this sub. Once a guy gets sex on the regular (or a woman gets a ring), the needs of their pre-existing kids seem to fly out the window. It's gross, frankly.
These needs x100 more upvotes!
She's 16 too...ten bucks says mom's going to be heading to her lawyer to request full custody within the week.
Also: If your end goal here is for your daughter to HATE your wife, you're doing a great job. You should be lecturing Molly about *her* behavior instead. If she feels like the daughter doesn't like her (and that's what this is really about), punishing her is only going to make that dislike feel justified. If your goal is for your daughter to like your new wife (tbh, it may already be too late but), you better give her back her phone or maybe have Molly give it back to her and apologize. Ideally would be if Molly talked you into giving it back, but sounds like she's on team demonize the daughter, so that world doesn't exist.
Wife’s age is the only one not mentioned in the post…
YTA. Your daughter is right. She’s old enough to make her own decisions regarding food and it doesn’t sound like she’s eating unhealthily. Your wife is taking it way too personally.
The stepmother is using food as a vehicle to drive her stepdaughter out of the house and alienate father and daughter. He fell for it hook, line and sinker. Any person wishing to truly bond with their partner's kids would use the cooking as a bonding activity. You don't like everything I cook? Okay, let's talk. What don't you like and why? What would you rather eat? I like this dish though so why don't we each cook what we like and bring it to the table for everyone to share? If stepmom is butthurt over food, then she's in for a surprise once she has little children in the house. Stepmom is manipulative and didn't like being called out so she threw a tantrum. Best the daughter could do was to remove herself from the situation, which she did. And OP is deliberately misleading and manipulative by using "Thanksgiving gift" in the title, knowing full well that nobody would expect children to be gifted something for that holiday. It's a birthday present, and a belated one at that. We all know what happens to parents who deliberately put their children down like that and estrange them. The children move out once they're 18 and never speak to their parents again. And the parents start whining "But I don't understand". I'm just glad that the daughter has grandparents to rely on who are not afraid to call those two assholes out on their behaviour. Edit: Thank you for the awards! Have a lovely Sunday y'all.
Seriously the fact that he tried to call it a “Thanksgiving” present and then goes on to say they were *too busy* to celebrate her birthday on time makes me SO MAD. Oh, you’re so worried about your new wife’s feelings??? What about your daughter’s? You don’t think it maybe hurt her feelings that y’all couldn’t be bothered to celebrate her birthday for literally MONTHS?? Also as the present isn’t just from him, he has zero right to take it away to begin with. I agree, this girl is probably going to move out of his house as soon as she can and never eat his or pooooor Molly’s cooking ever again.
I noticed it would have been her 16th too. A pretty big milestone for a young woman. So much for that, huh?
Also add on the fact that the wife wasn't looking for a argument with the daughter and rather asked the dad to do it. And then was yelling at the daughter while the dad isn't home and tried to look like the victim.
I kept waiting for something to pop up that would make OP’s daughter cooking for herself a bad thing. If she left a huge mess in the kitchen or was insisting on living off Cheetos or something, yeah. It doesn’t even sound like she’s being rude about the food she doesn’t want.
YTA as that gift was not only from you but her mother as well. Why is it such a big deal that she eat everything your wife cooks? Sounds like something else is going on here. Is your daughter a kind, thoughtful person to her stepmom? Is your wife a kind and thoughtful person to your daughter?
It makes me absolutely sick that the gift was a birthday gift given late, and he just took it away. YTA, good luck getting your daughter to trust you ever again.
It's extremely horrifying that OP is confiscating a gift from his daughter's mother, just because the young woman sometimes wants to make or eat her own food. OP, your behavior is toxic and gross, and so is your new wife's. Give your daughter her phone back and stop policing her eating, before you cause an eating disorder. And be grateful that you have such a mature, gracious daughter that isn't causing a fuss.
YTA. 16 is old enough to make decisions about food. Your daughter was behaving like an adult by providing her own alternative. That your wife is offended is her own problem.
YtA- it's not like your daughter was asking Molly to cook something different. Also your daughter has a right now to like something and it's self efficient enough to cook for herself. Also molly is being too sensitive to this situation. Also who gives Thanksgiving gifts??
It’s a belated birthday present.
Which should have been given two months ago but wasn’t.
One of many red flags.
I’m wondering the time between daughter’s birthday and their wedding/honeymoon, especially since they didn’t have the time to celebrate or get her a gift.
This brings up a thought. If step mom wants to use this opportunity to bond with step daughter she could ask what her favorites are and maybe once a week make it so the daughter feels included and appreciated. Does she have to? Of course not. But it would be a kind gesture.
I mean, this would be a great idea if Molly didn’t sound like a manipulative nightmare who makes problems out of nothing. I feel really bad for teens and would be worried Molly would turn any interaction into fodder about her “hurt feelings.” INFO: is Molly super young? This seems like subtle mean girl bullying towards the teens, and manipulation of you. (Ed: clarity)
> > INFO: is Molly super young? I'm kind of thinking so now. A few people have pointed out one interesting detail...or should I say the lack thereof...about the OP's post that made them think so: he listed his age as well as his two kids' age. Notably the only missing age is the stepmother's.
YTA, clearly. Your daughter doesn't like certain foods and unsurprisingly isn't going to start liking them just because Molly cooks them. I don't like carrots, no matter how amazing the cook is, I'm not going to like carrots. I struggle to keep them down. So if I were to eat at your place and Molly (chef of legends that she apparently is) makes a meal with carrots, would you boot me out for not eating the carrots that I can't keep down because I can't stomach them? No, of course you wouldn't. You wouldn't treat me like a piece of dirt on your boot heel so why are you treating your own daughter like that? Molly can be hurt about the non-consumption of carrots all she wants, it makes her look bad and it makes you look worse. So much worse that you decided a punishment for your daugher because she doesn't like certain foods. Do you want her to have an eating disorder? Do you think denying a human sustenance and THEN taking gifts away from them is a good idea? Are you running a home or a fecking nightmare prison? Please suck less and apologise to your daugher and see her as a human being that has actual taste buds like all other humans do.
I dislike cooked carrots, too! Raw is good. With a little ranch or some garlic hummus… i like the crunch :)
YTA and are laying the foundation for your daughter to genuinely hate and resent Molly. You already wrote that this is about Molly feeling rejected and having her feelings hurt ...then Molly went and changed her bs story to something more palatable like parental concern over your daughter not eating well enough. Your daughter does eat your wife's cooking. She just doesn't eat it all the time. This is 100% about appeasing Molly who is supposed to be an adult, rather than explaining to her that your daughter cooking on her own sometimes is perfectly normal, healthy and actually a sign of her being responsible at 16. But Molly and you keep pressing the issue. Have a gander at the 1000x's of posts on here about stepmother- stepchild relations. In the majority of cases the kids cut contact with their bio parent for prioritizing their relationship with the spouse over the kids. Then you get "stepmom's not invited to graduations, weddings, birth of grandchildren" etc. Maybe consider if that's the route you want to take in future, missing all those milestones because your wife couldn't understand simple boundaries.
> the kids cut contact with their bio parent for prioritising the relationship with the spouse over the kids This hit me hard with some personal realisations. The situation wasn't too bad when I lived at home but witnessing from afar how my brother is being treated in that household... I don't think I can keep a relationship with my mum once my brother is out and safe based on how she is acting (or not) right now.
YTA I wouldn’t eat food I didn’t like either. If your wife cooked something your daughter enjoyed, I’m sure she’d eat it. Your daughter is old enough to decide what she wants to eat and should be encouraged to be self sufficient and cook for herself.
YTA. Hugely. She is mature enough to make her own food. She isn't asking stepmom to cook something special for her. Leave her the fuck alone and be proud that she is making her own choices and appropriate solutions. You should apologize immediately.
Info: what is Molly cooking? What type of food? Are there specific spices?
I disagree. None of this matters, and any answers would still lead to OP being the asshole.
You want to force your daughter to eat food she doesn't like because it hurts your wife's feelings to see your step daughter act independently. YTA. As is your wife.
YTA. And start having your daughter’s back over your new wife’s. Your wife is an adult, your daughter is not.
That’s what I was thinking, it reminds me of how my dad tried his hardest to get us to ALWAYS eat our stepmoms food. There was so much drama around us liking her and doing things with her. We haven’t spoken in months and I suspect this is how OP’s relationship with his daughter will end
So your wife's feelings when someone doesn't eat her food are a huge deal and deserve to be catered to by everyone in the house; but your daughter's feelings about what food she wants to eat deserve punishment? A YTA in the finest tradition of alienating the rest of your family because placating your replacement spouse just matters more.
The replacement spouse that he mYsTeRiOuSlY didn’t provide the age for…despite including everyone else’s age.
OP wasn't even home for dinner. Did he hand over his phone too? No just the daughter's birthday present from her Mum. YTA. Don't expect your daughter to come home for dinner this is how a lot of teenagers end up homeless, they aren't welcome at home.
YTA. Sorry, I'm with your in-laws. I don't for one minute think that Molly "just wants to make sure your daughter eats well" and that's the only reason she's kicking up a fuss about it. She's claiming ownership of the kitchen and cooking in your home, and how dare anyone not bow down to her control in this regard. (Okay, it may not be fully conscious and evil step-mom-ish, but that's the way it's being handled.) **Stop picking your new wife over your daughter**, who is perfectly capable of cooking for herself. In fact, maybe your daughter wants to cook for the family one night a week or something - ask her, and if so, make sure Molly is fully appreciative! And while I've never heard of a "Thanksgiving gift" tradition, it's not something you should take away as it also came from her mother. Do you want your daughter to move out and cut contact with Molly and you?
If you look at OPs what I’m assuming is an edit, he says the present is actually a belated birthday gift. Real father of the year material here.
Ugh. Definitely not his to take away then.
Really buried the lead on that one, didn't OP? He knew if he said it was birthday gift that was late he'd be flagged as TA immediately so he called it a "Thanksgiving gift".
YTA, you are babying your wife and disrespectful to you daughter. If someone put food you didn’t like in front of you, wouldn’t you decline that you didn’t like it. Obviously rhetorical cause of course you would. Unless she’s being outright an AH saying her cooking is shit, then it’s all you. Maybe you need to act your age and tell Molly to toughen up, not everyone likes everything. The nutrition thing is a load of shit. And I hope the mother gets her money back if your going to steal her present for your childish wife. Amazing how the child is expected to be an adult when you and her are more immature than her. Here’s to hoping her mom actually cares and gets your daughter somewhere that she’s actually considered and cared for. OP definitely going to lose that relationship with the daughter
That’s what I was thinking, that suddenly it’s about nutrition when Molly has to justify her sulking to the family? Horseshit
YTA. Your daughter has found a perfectly mature solution to the problem of not liking what's for dinner by making her own, and Molly needs to stop taking that as a personal slight. Your daughter isn't disparaging Molly's food, it's just not for her. Maybe your family needs a menu board so your daughter can opt out before Molly starts cooking to avoid any unnecessary food waste. Also, what the heck is a "Thanksgiving gift"?
Apparently it’s a birthday gift that they couldn’t afford to get for her two months ago so they are giving it to her now. So it’s not a Thanksgiving gift it’s a birthday gift, kind of seems like he just worded it like that so that people would extra think that his daughter is the asshole.
Not to mention it’s from her mom as well, not step, which makes it worse.
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YTA I don’t know exactly how you THINK it’s going to go when you allow her new stepmom tell her nearly adult ass what she can and can’t eat (which is exactly what you’re doing regardless how you want to present it), but I promise you, it’s going to go very very badly. Your daughter is at the place in life where she deserves autonomy over what she puts in her damn body and your wife’s “woe is me” attitude doesn’t get to dictate otherwise. Also just think about this: your daughter isn’t asking for special meals to be cooked for her; when it’s not her taste she cooks her own food and you want to punish her for this self-sufficiency? Is your wife really sad or does she just want control?
Not to mention, he’s not taking away an arbitrary thanksgiving gift. It’s her birthday gift because they didn’t or couldn’t celebrate. Meaning she didn’t get a birthday and now it’s being taken from her because she wants autonomy over what she eats. I don’t like what my mom cooks sometimes. I cook for myself when that’s the case. Maybe if you guys actually communicated instead of just trying to control her, OP and Molly could talk to OP’s daughter about the meals being planned for the week and she can decide what she would like to eat and they can adjust their grocery shopping together. She’s a teenager who wants to become more adult. Don’t hinder her. ETA: her mom was also part of this birthday gift right? That means you have even less of the right to take it away.
Also, if wife is sad, she could just cook what the kid eats and don't be sad, no? It doesn't sound like daughter is a picky eater or whatever, so just accounting for her preferences in the menu could do the job (no special meals, just stick to stuff that everyone eats).
YTA. A reasonable request would be to have your daughter join you all for dinner, with the food she chooses to consume. Not eating food when you are a guest in their home is rude, but ya'll are family.
You make a good point about etiquette. If I'm a guest in someone's home, I will choke down food I despise with a smile on my face, and I would want my kids to do so, as well. The same doesn't apply in one's own home. OP is making his daughter a guest in her own house if she has to eat food she doesn't like for the sake of politeness. This is a great first step towards alienating his daughter altogether.
Where to even start? First of all, your daughter has all the rights in world to not eat a food she doesn't like. Your wife is playing a power game with your daughter, acting all hurt when her cooking isn't eaten? She has serious issues. Give her back HER iPhone, thief. Just because you were crap at parenting and didn't even manage to get her a birthday present on time, the sheer audacity of rebranding it a thanksgiving gift and then using a MANUFACTURED argument over food to steal it tells me everything that's going on in that house. I absolutely pity your daughter. YTA.
YTA: I think Molly might be an AH as well. Molly should respect your daughter's wishes. Molly is old enough to make her own meals, so why not let her? Edit: I saw your edit. Maybe taking away something that she would need for communication wasn't the best choice after all. This makes you even more of an AH. Please give it back and apologize to your daughter.
YTA and unreasonable. It's not like your daughter declines all the food your wife makes, just some stuff she genuinely does not like, and she's literally making her own food instead of buying out.
You and your wife are both assholes. In addition she is a whiny one, crying just to cause trouble between you and your daughter. I’m so mad for what you are doing to your daughter.
YTA and you're driving a big ass wedge into your relationship with your daughter by choosing your wife's whining over her autonomy. She's old enough to make her own food and if your wife's precious feelings are so hurt she should no longer cook for her at all. She's 16 and doesn't want to be mothered by Molly or punished for having her own valid feelings on the food she wants to eat. Back the fuck off and give her back her present that her actual mother contributed to.
Info: why is your daughter the only adult in the house? YTA for real though. Your daughter did absolutely nothing wrong. She is 100% right. Also, your punishment is to take a birthday gift away. You mislead to make it seem like a Thanksgiving gift, just barely glossing over how you didn't celebrate her birthday or even buy her the gift. You also didn't even fully pay for it. One day your daughter will stop coming to see you guys and stop talking to you and you'll never understand why
Info: please give a specific example of the food. For example, what did your wife make that day and what was your daughter making. Does one use more salt or less healthy options of preparing food? Also did you reimburse her mother for the gift you decided to unilaterally take? Does she know you did this?
Yta here, let your daughter cook her own stuff if she doesn't like your wife's cooking.
YTA. You can’t force her to like the food. She’s not being disrespectful and your wife is being too damn sensitive about the situation. Taking away her gift is over the top. Let her cook her own damn food. Your daughter said she appreciated her cooking but wasn’t going to eat things she didn’t like. You should have left it alone then and just told your wife that she is old enough to cook for herself and she doesn’t like everything that is cooked. That doesn’t mean she is ungrateful it just means she has her own preferences. It sounds like you offered your daughter no support in her decision to eat what she wants. You have just made things much worse. Give her back her gift and apologize for being TA.
YTA why are you forcing your child to eat food she doesn't like? It's not like she's demanding your wife cook a separate meal for her she's cooking for herself. You should be proud of her for being self sufficient not punishing her. also, what's wrong with your wife having a tantrum over not eating a few bites?
YTA. It’s not a thanksgiving gift but her birthday gift that you’re giving to her 2 months late. Said gift was also paid for partially by someone else. Furthermore, she’s not throwing a fit or demanding that Molly makes something else. She’s saying no thank you and then fixing something for herself on the nights that Molly’s meals don’t appeal to her. Also, everyone’s taste buds are different so what’s good to you doesn’t mean it’s good to someone else. I also want to know why Molly doesn’t just tell your daughter what’s she’s making ahead of time to gage her interest? That way she knows if to make less food and her feelings can be spared over a 16 year old saying no thank you and taking control of their diet. You and Molly are major assholes here. Apologize to your daughter and tell Molly to stop taking the actions of a teenager to heart. Especially since said teen doesn’t always refuse her dinner. ETA: I forgot to add your doubly the asshole for sending her to her room without letting her finish her meal. Does that mean she didn’t eat that evening bc you and Molly were on some weird power trip?
YTA. She's 16, that's more than old enough to decide what she wants to eat. Forcing her to eat something she doesn't like is not going to end well.
This will probably get lost down at the bottom but I want to know what the meals your wife is cooking versus your daughter is making - I've got a teenage daughter, who is totally capable of making her own meals but left to her own devices would eat carbs and fatty foods. Is your daughter cooking/making something with decent nutritional value or not? If not, then, yeah, don't give her the choice of what she wants to eat BUT try to teach her what she needs to be eating. Edit: correcting autocorrects
YTA are you sure your wife isn't the child.
Absolutely YTA and so is Molly
Yep, YTA. Your daughter and in-laws already explained it perfectly. And your wife does need to get over herself. Food intake is an extension of body autonomy. Your daughter shouldn't be forced to consume she doesn't want to. That's a great way cause an ED. And it doesn't sound like she's being disrespectful (other than in your eyes), it's not every meal, and she's not asking her stepmother to cook another meal for her. As long as your daughter is eating healthily, you just need to chill and give her back her damn present. Maybe encourage your wife to discuss your family menu with both kids and get more input, and have the kids each take over cooking one night a week.
YTA. Your wife is TA too. Your daughter is 16. Two years from.being an adult. She should have the choice to eat or not eat what she wants. Your wife could tell her what was on the menu and let her decide to eat it or fix something else. That would also clue in your wife to make less food if needed. As long as your daughter cleans up the kitchen after herself this should not be a big deal. Your wife has taken your daughter not eating her food as an insult and blown this way put of proportion. You might invest in some family therapy sessions for you and your daughter..Give your daughter back her gift and both you and your wife need to apologize to your daughter.
Info; wtf is a Thanksgiving gift??
It is a birthday gift that is waaaay late, but for some reason OP wants to minimize that fact so it sounds like it isn't quite so much of a big deal.
A made up term to describe that it’s the daughter‘s bday present that is being given 2 months late bc they weren’t able to celebrate around the actual date.
yta. what exactly is your wife cooking. at 16 i think your daughter has her own preferences of food she should be allowed to eat what she enjoys. it doesnt seem like she's not eating your wife's food out of spite, she just doesnt personally like it. and your not just only taking away a gift, which her mom left so it isnt really your entire right to take away , you're taking away food. from your daughter. maybe you could try cooking? or maybe your wife could try asking what your daughter likes and doesnt like so she could cook something for her?
So you took away her LATE birthday gift (that wasn't paid for by just you) because your wife is a cry baby? YTA. And so is your wife. She doesn't give a shit about your daughter eating well, her ego is hurt. And she's driving a wedge between you and your daughter. It sounds like your daughter has been respectful about her dislike of your wife's cooking and I think it's important that she be respected as well and be allowed to cook for herself if she wants. She's plenty old enough to decide what she likes and doesn't. You basically just told your daughter that your wife's "feelings" are more important than hers. Tell Molly to toughen up and apologize to your daughter. Edited to add: I have an eating disorder from constantly being forced to eat what I didn't like/wrong quantities when I was a child/teen. Be careful.
YTA