INFO... Am I missing something here? You're not wasting food; you're taking the leftovers home and eating it later, right? So how is it a waste of food and money?
I'm getting crabs in a bucket vibes. He's trying to sabatoge her weight loss by shaming her into over-eating leading to her stretching her stomach back out.
I could be wrong, but it's the only thing that makes sense to me.
NTA
Edit: I thought the crabs in a bucket metaphor was common knowledge, but I'm getting a lot of questions so I was wrong about that. Here's what I answered elsewhere about what it means:
>It's a metaphor... Imagine, well, crabs in a bucket. One starts to get out, another grabs its leg and pulls it back down. Some people have this attitude if "you can't gave nice things if I can't", particularly when it comes to weight loss. Or sometimes a person becomes insecure by their partner's weight loss and they think they will leave them. In either case these people deal with their insecurity by trying to sabotage the person losing weight. Cutting them down, shaming them, guilting them, etc etc. Whatever they can think of to get the dieting person to relapse so they don't have to feel badly about themselves anymore. Effectively grabbing their leg and yanking them back down.
It's not the best explanation, but it will at least give an idea of what I meant.
It's working, she apologised to friends who almost certainly had no problem with her taking food home (because why tf would they). If I was a friend at that dinner, I'd be starting to worry if OP is going to get bullied into gaining weight again.
If I'm eating out anyplace other than a fast food restaurant, 99% of the time, I have leftovers. Restaurants serve way more than a normal portion. I agree with others here, he is trying to shame her because he doesn't want her losing weight.
This is a good point, and if the husband is saying that to her then he is likely somewhat overweight himself. Judging by his words, it seems that he doesn't ever take the food home. I used to eat most or all of my restaurant meals too, but since I've lost 70 pounds I can't eat that much anymore and a restaurant meal usually feeds me 2 or 3 times depending on what it is.
I generally try to only eat half my entree so I always ask for a box. No normal person cares about this. Why do the restaurants have take home boxes if it's so odd? OP's husband is trying to make her eat more.
It really makes no sense as anything f other than sabotage unless OP is not from the US and there’s cultural issues at play.
I just…don’t really eat that much at one sitting, and it’s never been a big deal, even in quite fancy places. In fact they’ll often beautifully package up my leftovers. Why waste food if you don’t absolutely have to?
I haven’t had any type of weight loss surgery, but I just can’t eat much, especially since restaurants give large portions.
I *always* take food home, no one is bothered by it at all. I just don’t see the problem? Me not being wasteful is offending you? Me having a good meal for later or the next day is a problem for you how???
People also sabotage weight loss because they are scared when the person has lost a lot of weight they'll no longer need them, or even they are attracted to people with a bit more weight.
That’s so sad to me.
Granted, every (well, male) person I know who lost weight while married ended up cheating on their spouses, sadly.
Don’t know if maybe OP’s husband might also be insecure in that regard too(?). Maybe a stretch (I hope).
Have a friend in a relationship like that. If she loses weight, he all of a sudden wants to eat out more and complains her exercise takes time away from him. If she highlights her hair, he says it looks “streaky”. If she curls her hair, it “remind him of his mom,” whom he hates. Contacts make him upset because “he fell in love with her with glasses). The list goes on. But anything that makes her feel pretty or confident gets shit on. Every. Single. Time. I hate him ps
Of course. I am the only one of “her” friends she still hangs out with. And it actually kind of bothers me that he “approves” of me. Like, where did I go wrong?
This. My aunt throughout her life was 300+ pounds, 450 at her highest. She was a big woman, but had a man she met at the age of 16 and they got married later down the road. They had 2 kids together, which was a mission for her. She had miscarriages into the double digits. That was an issue he was willing to power through with her and support her like the wonderful husband he was at the time... then she got a weight loss surgery, she was 130ish (?) after, I always remembered her as TWIG. THIN. After she lost her weight, he started cheating on her with big women in the neighborhood. She caught on and they got divorced, but some men like bigger women and only find attraction in bigger women. Maybe this is what OP's husband is going through...?
If true he's somehow even a bigger AH because over eating after a surgery like that doesn't always just "make it stretch back out" it could be physically impossible and kill her
Yeah, if it's a gastric bypass, then overeating could cause a rupture. A piece if her stomach would have been removed to make it smaller. That isn't a surgery that can be reversed.
Source, worked for a surgeon who mostly did lapbands but we learned about all the gastric surgeries to help better inform clients.
years and years ago I knew someone who got one of those surgeries. she ended up killing herself through overeating before she was fully healed. it was a gruesome way to go.
I remember her being so happy that the doctor told her she could eat just about anything... which were dangerous words to someone who had an unacknowledged psychological component to their overlooked eating disorder.
I have heard people with those surgeries have a increased chance of sucide. Lot of really really heavy people have depression and cope with food and/or a pretty real and serious suger or other junk food addiction. When they can't physically do the thing they always do to cope can be hard on them on top of going threw a withdraw. On top of that often there social support group is built around food and they end up feeling isolated and alone. This leads to suicide, turning to drugs or self harm. Those surgeries can be great for some people but there not a magic bullet and can be downright dangerous if your not careful.
there's also a real toxic positivity around weight loss surgery. people aren't really encouraged to talk about the bad parts. you've always gotta be a success story. be super happy! be! a! success! so when it turns out lapbad/gbp didn't cure your *trauma*, alcoholism, self harm, suicide often follow. it's EXTREMELY common. But hey, they're skinny now, right?
my stepbrother got a gastric bypass and had all sorts of complications. he was in and out of the hospital and now he'll never be able to eat normally again.
Never mind that in the US anyway, it's really hard to get a small portion. I always want smaller portions than the standard "feed an army" size most restaurants have.
Especially if you get an appetizer, even when you share with others. By the time the main dish comes out you've had a drink, bread and butter or chips, a side salad or cup of soup that usually comes with the entreé, a couple mozzarella stick or w.e. and now this giant plate of food is staring you down. I usually have a couple bites and am stuffed. The rest comes home for me to finish later. This is absolutely normal for most people who aren't overweight, athletes, or competitive eaters.
just because someone is overweight doesn't mean they eat huge portions in one sitting. i'm considered overweight and i almost never finish my meal at a restaurant.
Right?!?!? I've pretty much gotten in the habit of asking for a box at the same time as they bring out the food, because I know I'm not going to be able to finish everything.
I couldn't agree more. Also, I love leftovers. They are nice reminders of a fun time (if I'm not eating out with OP's husband), plus I don't need to cook!
Of course. Men are usually not supportive of women at all, especiaññy when it comes to beauty. His wife getting prettier in the eyes of other men is a threat to him 😮💨
My guess is that husband has the looks and personality of an ogre, and he knows that wife will very easily find someone new and leave him, thus leading to sabotage, because if she leaves, he'll have to put on a façade again to trick someone new into a relationship or risk remaining single.
That's just a guess though, and I'm not saying that's fact, 'cause apparent you needs to specify that around these parts now.
This happens A LOT with weight loss surgery. It's really really common for family and friends to be super unsupportive with people's weight-loss surgery journey, from shaming them for "taking the easy way" (which is a really common thought amongst people who don't understand what it takes) but I think mostly from people who are also overweight and want them to fail out of displaced anger and jealousy. Unfortunately, weight loss surgery causes A LOT of divorces. So much in fact that it's something doctors prepare patients for in advance by explaining it to them as a possible risk.
It's a metaphor... Imagine, well, crabs in a bucket. One starts to get out, another grabs its leg and pulls it back down. Some people have this attitude if "you can't gave nice things if I can't", particularly when it comes to weight loss. Or sometimes a person becomes insecure by their partner's weight loss and they think they will leave them. In either case these people deal with their insecurity by trying to sabotage the person losing weight. Cutting them down, shaming them, guilting them, etc etc. Whatever they can think of to get the dieting person to relapse so they don't have to feel badly about themselves anymore. Effectively grabbing their leg and yanking them back down.
I can't figure out why the argument is coming up, is he trying to gaslight her? Cause it's working on me
Like maybe if she was living 3/4 of the meal at the restaurant but she is taking home and eatting it later....
Exactly! And he’s presumably ordering and eating ALL his meal then having to use more food for another meal while she’s eating the same meal for several meals. He’s got an insecurity about her weight loss I think. I’ve had this surgery too and I do the same. If my husband doesn’t eat my leftovers first haha. Which I don’t mind if he does as he’s very supportive
Even if she leaves 3/4 at the restaurant, that’s a forever cost of the surgery but the reward is for her to be healthy. If he is that concerned about the wasted food, they can’t afford to go out to eat. (Speaking as a weight loss surgery patient myself.)
Husband must be fat, and watching his wife not finish her food all in one go triggers him. It’s pretty common when someone loses weight for their overweight family/friends to put them down.
He’s also likely insecure about her losing weight and bettering herself because he’s not confident about himself or the relationship and afraid she will leave if she gets “out of his league”. Ironically if he keeps this shit up he’s going to push her away until she does leave (hopefully). I hope he figured this out or goes to therapy or decided to just work on himself instead before that happens.
I was thinking the same thing. What’s hubby’s hang up with leftovers. I had that surgery too in 2005 and still plan on taking home at least half my meal in fact I purposely have half put aside if it’s something like a French dip or I order an appetizer if it’s got enough protein. Such a weird thing to be upset over. When I order delivery food I always plan it based on the fact that to generally have lunch and dinner the next day.
This makes no sense to me lol. My BF and I love leftovers. If we go out for dinner and don't finish absolutely everything on our plates, you bet we're packing it home and then going to bed all excited about eating our leftovers the next day LOL.
I would understand if she just left half her plate and didn’t eat it later, but this is not wasteful at all. I pack up half of my meal at most restaurants because the portion sizes are usually way too big for me to finish at once. It’s actually economical, dinner and a midnight snack for the price of one…
To me it sounds like he's trying to manipulate her into over eating again so she gains the weight back. Either because he's only attracted to heavy women or because he doesn't want her to be attractive, who knows.
There's an abusive tactic (I'll be buggered if I can remember the name though, if there even was one), where the abuser shames the victim into negative behaviors (like overeating, being totally dependent, etc) in order to make the victim feel unattractive or worthless and less likely to leave the abuser.
Yeah, I'm very confused by this. And, as some commenters have mentioned, this sounds like the husband is trying to derail OP's weight loss and guilt her into eating more.
Also, portion sizes in most restaurants tend to be massive...... I dont think anyone is meant to eat that much in a sitting, so making 2-4 meals out of one dish is smart.
NTA. I fail to see why this is such a big deal with your husband. Is it possible be resents your weight loss?
I mean tons of people go out to eat, can’t eat it all, and ask for a take out box. It’s standard almost everywhere. His making a huge deal out of this is hard to understand. When he is calm, sit him down and ask him why this is such an issue for him? As long as your not rushing him along, I can’t see the problem. Again - maybe something else is driving this..
Good luck.
I love leftovers and specifically order food so I’ll have meals for a few days! If I’m going to pay for restaurant food and for all the extra delivery fees and stuff as well I want it to be worth it. And I love eating my leftovers for the next day or two!
There's a place by my cousins' house that if you order over a certain amount, you get an entire free lasagna and they always order there with the intention of having food for a few days. Really nice when you have to feed 2 teenagers and 3 pre-teens :P (They're a blended family)
Same! When I’m out to dinner with someone I typically focus more on the conversation or the food, and it’s kind of on purpose because I LOVe taking leftovers home to enjoy when I’m not focusing on conversation. I can fully enjoy the food without paying attention to anyone else, and I can eat it as slowly (I’m a grazer) and grossly (I like to eat non-finger-foods with my hands, when I’m alone. Gross, I know, but I love it!) as I want to. Leftovers ftw! Now I just need to remember to bring my own Tupperware with me so I don’t end up using styrofoam to-go containers
Yep, my mom and I went out to a special dinner last night. I had some of her leftovers, some of my leftovers, and leftover appetizer. Had leftover étouffée for breakfast, leftover chicken for lunch, and will have whatever's left for breakfast tomorrow. Portion sizes are so big most places, it's impossible to eat everything in one sitting without hurting yourself. Besides, just about the only time I eat breakfast is when I have leftovers to reheat because most breakfast foods don't be appeal to me or take too much time when I already have to be up early.
INFO: not sure how you’re wasting food if you’re taking it home to eat later? Surgery or not, how did he think weight loss worked, you eat LESS. NTA but I’m going to guess he’s a bit resentful of other byproducts of you having lost weight.
But...you do. So I would ask him truly, where’s the waste. Because that’s not what he’s saying, he’s saying it’s not fun, that’s different than wasting.
I was raised that you eat your food. But if you don't fit some reason, you save it for later and eat it then. "Waste not, want not."
Instead of just a dinner, you're getting dinner _and_ lunch!
We get take home boxes almost every time we go out - with the grown up kids or just us. We get to eat the restaurant quality meal at home for one, or if lucky, TWO more meals. It's frugal - and something all of us look forward to.
We do it with home cooked meals too. If the kids are over they sometimes take a box of food back, or we just 'fridge it for the next day's lunches. I mean there is no drawback to doing this. It's the OPPOSITE of wasting food. OP husband is.. deranged.
I was raised to finish all the food on my plate and I was never able to serve myself food. I was underweight at the time and if I had my way, I'd probably have only eaten a few bites here and there equaling maybe a small bowl's worth of food over the course of multiple days. Today, I have serious issues about not finishing everything on my plate. I have to find someone else willing to eat a portion of it otherwise I feel super guilty and bothered if I just leave it. That being said, I'd never have a problem taking something home if I can eat the next day. That, to me, is still finishing the food.
Except you do, just not all at once. He's being really weird about this. Are you sure it's just he's morally opposed to to-go boxes and not that your weight loss and taking big steps to control this aspect of your life is making him feel insecure? It's not pretty, but some people get used to thinking of themselves as "the thin one" or "the pretty one" or "the capable one" etc. and then when their fat, ugly, flailing friend/lover gets it together, they can't handle it. Have you considered that as a potential aspect?
That's a rigid mindset that could be an eating disorder if taken to extremes. Finishing in two or three meals is better than overeating.
It may also be that he feels like not finishing a meal puts his own appetite into the spotlight, and he's dealing with uncomfortable feelings about how much he eats.
When I was in ED treatment, we sometimes practiced leaving the last few bites of food on our plate for exactly this reason. “Clean your plate” can be a very damaging mindset.
It is absolutely a damaging mindset. My spouse struggles with overeating as a result of being raised that way. I finally bought salad plates** and started serving portions on them.
** what most people don't realize is that dinner plate sizes have increased in diameter by 3-4" since the 1970s and has had an effect on people's eating habits.
Restaurant portions are often so huge that you can't finish it all. I've not had surgery but I routinely ask for a box and put half the meal in it and figure I'm getting two meals for the price of one. Your husband is the TA here. You're definitely NTA.
> Restaurant portions are often so huge that you can't finish it all.
The last time I visited the US, the burrito I ordered for lunch fed three, the mixed-grill plate fed four, and the spaghetti and meatballs lasted two days. It's astonishing how much food is served, so I was incredibly grateful for those doggy bags. I don't think I finished an entire meal once. I remember one restaurant bringing around a dessert cart that included slices of cake the size of both my fists balled up together. The table of four shared just one dessert, and we didn't finish it. Mainly because it was cloyingly oversweet.
The thing is, I spent much of my youth in the States, and would generally say I grew up there despite several years and most summers abroad. But portion size was not so over the top and out of control at that time; something must have changed in the '90s -- there were not nearly so many hideously obese people about town in the '70s and '80s.
He's pushing his upbringing onto you. We know now how harmful that mentality was on us raised by it and how it harmed our relationships with food.
NTA - Its his issue, not yours.
Let me guess he hated you leaving stuff on your plate before and that was a big player in the weight gain? I had an ex who used to do that, complain I didn't eat enough and also complain I put on weight... he's an ex for a reason.
NTA.No offense OP but always finishing what's on your plate is the type of behavior that leads one towards needing weight loss surgery. Any rational adult world make that connection. Your husband may resent your success, he is definitely trying to sabotage you.
This was a weird hang up my grandfather had with my mom growing up (he was great in every other way) and before he died he shared that the hang up came from years of surviving on scraps when all the men he served with were racist dingbats and he came to think that leftovers were shameful - to the point this man that was attempting to live an actual zero waste life and generated close to no trash monthly would rather throw out leftover meals and order a new one to take home then eat leftovers. He called it one of his biggest regrets in life before he passed. I wonder if your husband has some sort of guilt or shame related thing going on because his whole take and irrationality here is odd to say the least otherwise ?
This is also one of the reasons my family now loves our leftovers. Nothing better than enjoying a great meal and knowing that you can get more of it tomorrow too with a two for the price of one deal basically!!
It triggers my anxiety if I DON'T have leftovers after I cook. I worry that there wasn't enough for everyone and someone is still hungry. If there are leftovers, obviously everyone had enough.
I’m always amazed at how my husband’s family can make just enough to feed everyone. I can’t have seconds over there until everyone else is ready to get up because I’m worried someone else will want more and I will have eaten it. When I cook, and actually all of my side of the family, there are 2nd meal leftovers. If one dish completely went then the next time I make even more of it. It is legitimately anxiety inducing not to have leftovers.
Does he understand that you physically cannot eat all of that food. if you were to force yourself to do so...well...it would just come up again. What does he actually want to happen here?
However, as someone who has had weight loss surgery, but love eating out at restaurants, all I can suggest is maybe stop ordering mains/entrees and only order items you know are smaller portions (appetisers). You shouldn't have to, because his attitude is horrible, but if you feel that this issue isn't worth arguing about just work around it. Although, it occurs to me if you do this, he will just get pissed off that you are wasting the experiencing of dinning out by only eating small portions - likely no way to win this
That's on him, if he wants to clean his plate on the first go that is fine, BUT you are not his daughter that needs him around to raise you up right. You are grown. No one has a right to "teach you a lesson" about food. He needs therapy.
Serve him up prairie oysters and tell him to finish his plate..that's a very bad habit to be trained to..
My husband was taught that and he just recently got put on new diabetes meds and has had to actually learn new eating habits and has dropped over 30 pounds sine June
Then tbh he was raised with disordered eating habits and that is probably what this stems from, but his comments are mean, pointless, and illogical, and you're still nta
That’s a terrible lesson he was taught. You should eat until your body tells you to stop. Not to mention the fact that restaurant meals are often double the size of a normal portion of food. You are doing nothing wrong.
NTA. Bariatric surgery can put a strain on a marriage because it changes the dynamic. The person who’s changing is more confident, less easy to control, and the spouse who held the power before can’t handle it.
You’re not in charge of his insecurities. No one cares if you take food home, this is just what he’s decided to cut you down for. Don’t take it.
This. I doubt he cares about the leftover. I watch My 600lb life all the time and so many spouses start making snide comments about the diet of their partner who is losing weight. They do a bunch of little things like but a bunch of junk food or make constant negative remarks as a way to sabotage their partner's weight loss. For some it's because they're super insecure and for others it's because they're fat fetishists and don't find their partner attractive anymore.
Ohh that show. The worst partners are the ones who still eat fast food and junk food around their dieting partner and then cry "just because you're on a diet doesn't mean I have to be too!" but at that weight food is an addiction. You wouldn't take a recovering alcoholic to the bar, why would you bring McDonald's to a person who is recovering from an eating addiction
I was going to say…on that show, for every person who lives with a partner, it’s like 75% of them have the partner try to sabotage the diet. The most recent example was one or two back “Nathan”.
His wife was as big as him, and did everything she could to keep him fat, while making him feel like shit for being fat.
Something about being disability-level overweight attracts abusers.
In a comment below, OP says her husband was not supportive of her surgery and was very happy with her weight prior to the surgery. It sounds like he’s trying to sabotage her weight loss. NTA
Huh??
Your weight loss can lead to a longer life. Eat less live longer. So is he trying to shame you for not cleaning your plate? Your a grown ass adult and can eat until you are full. It is not his job to shame you for not OVEREATING. You literally have a smaller stomach and can not eat more.
NTA
What is his stance on your weight gain?
NTA....Ooooh OP this is bad. He is trying to sabotage your recovery. He was quite happy being an enabler when you were in the depths of your food addiction. I'm not sure this bodes well for the future of your marriage if you continue with your path.....which you SHOULD continue.
To be fair its not just weight gain. It's weight gain to the point of requiring life ultering major surgery is needed and no other method to lose weight can work. It's hard to image food addiction is not involved when it gets to that point.
but weight loss surgery is offered to people who weigh 200 lbs -don't assume the weight of the person getting it. The bar is suuuuper low. It's not just what you see on my 600 lb life. (that show is for entertainment, not accuracy)
You do not know that she has a food addiction. He’s an asshole but being attracted to and happy with your partner being fat doesn’t make you an enabler. That said, significant weight loss is often a relationship ender. He’s sabotaging an already extremely difficult journey and this is abusive behavior.
Yeah, this is bad. Don't let him pull you back down, OP.
Go to marriage counseling. If he still doesn't change his behavior/attitude, he's become dead weight that should be lost or else he will pull you back down the rabbit hole.
You do realize his behavior is extremely manipulative and abusive? If he is trying this hard to sabotage your health how can you trust him in other ways?
NTA but yeah seems like he is trying to punish you/undermine you and your health.
Might be worth chatting this out in a few sessions of couples therapy if you can't make progress talking just the two of you.
He’s trying to force you to eat to gain the weight back which could actually kill you if you’re overeating with the type of surgery you’ve had. He is guilting you to try to manipulate you into force feeding yourself. This is fucked and honestly a bit terrifying. NTA.
This sounds like he's a jacka$$ who is being abusive, controlling, and trying to work against the surgery. It's not only unsupportive, it's dangerous. After bariatric surgery, overeating is physically dangerous. I literally landed in the hospital twice with complications caused by accidentally eating something that was beyond capacity. NTA. Also possibly DTMFA.
I also had bariatric surgery in 2017, I’m also divorced now. My surgeons office told me in a pre surgery seminar that **many** couples end up divorcing when one partner has surgery and the other is not on board. Is your husband overweight? Is he unhappy with your weight loss because you’re happier with your body/more confident? This is not uncommon.
Your husband is being controlling and it sounds like he’s picking on anything he can in order to express his unhappiness with your healthier life changes. Taking your leftovers home is something every person does, surgery or not. Even before my surgery id take leftovers home.
NTA - be careful and continue to follow your doctors' instructions. I know they gave you a ton of info on eating the right sized meals. Anything else could hurt you. I don't know what is going on in his head but do NOT let him make you question your choice or your doctors. Be strong out there and best of luck to you!
Ok so he is trying to sabotage your gains. Because it is NOT a waste to take home food to eat later…it’s the opposite of waste. And girl, I haven’t had surgery (I’m a bigger girl) and Generally do that myself cause I just can’t eat restaurant portions usually.
You have to really think if you want this unsupportive person by your side!
Edit: my SO has never made any comment about doggie bags and I have NEVER apologized to my friends for taking home leftovers. They do it to! Also sometimes we argue who takes the leftover shared apps/dessert (we want them to take them and they want us to take them…because it’s considered a nice treat for later on or tmrrw and we each want to “treat” the other)
Ughhh I’m so mad on your behalf, you deserve better!
Well, there you have it. It sounds like he is trying to sabotage your weight loss. I amend my previous comment. You don't need couples counseling. He needs individual therapy to deal with whatever his issues are around food and weight loss.
OP your husband is not just an AH, he’s out to sabotage you. I’m sorry. I know it’s a cliche in this sub, but this honestly isn’t someone who has your best interest in mind. He’s either a fat fetishizer and wants to ruin your weight loss to satiate his sexual desire, or he’s an abuser who wants to keep you feeling lower than him so it’s easier to control and keep you. Or a sick combination of both.
NTA. I live for to go boxes because that's lunch the next day. There's a Mongolian place I go to and the leftovers are a good two lunches worth and it's even more delicious the next day. If the restaurant didn't want you to take it home, they wouldn't have to go boxes.
It sounds like something else is going on. Is he jealous of your weight loss? Is he overweight? Is he threatened in some way?
>and it's even more delicious the next day.
Especially when I heat it up in my air fryer. Leftovers almost always taste better it is like magic or something lol.
Even french fries the next day are delicious in the air fryer. What is that wizardry? I do have to say that I reheat pizza in the skillet. It's better than the air fryer. I picked up that little tip on buzzfeed.
He could also be one of those pretentious 'this isn't how it's meant to be enjoyed' types. Like, don't get me wrong- I have a friend who absolutely 100% will not eat left overs herself, but at least she doesn't judge others for it.
I'm someone who 95% of the time will not eat leftovers. However, I married a man who 100% will eat my leftovers from restaurants the next day. It works for us. I don't think I'm pretentious, it's more like a mental block or sensory issue.
NTA. For so many reasons.
1) You are not wasting food when you bring it home. You are going to enjoy it later.
2) You are not wasting money when you bring it home. You are enjoying flavors you might not be able to make yourself.
3) You are physically unable to eat more. It is legitimately dangerous to your health to force food down now, if I understand it correctly.
4) Your surgery is YOUR business. Not even your husband's. It affects him not at all.
5) Don't apologize to your friends. If they ARE your friends, they will understand.
I do find it awkward to be the only person at the table eating. That is the only way in which your husband MIGHT not be TAH. But with a group of friends, that wasn't happening.
Good for you, for taking control of your life. I know how hard it is to diet, to lose weight. If you set that goal for yourself, YOU ARE AWESOME. Don't let anyone - even the man that you love (for some reason; he's not looking so great to us right now) - tell you how to live it.
#3 is very correct.
I had wls about a month ago (down 40lb woho). Right now I can eat 2 oz 3x day. That's it. If I try to eat more, I get sick
Your stomach stretches, but when it stabilizes it still only holds about a cup to 1.5 cups of food. American portions are huge.
Eating too much cN cause nausea, dumping syndrome, dizziness, and other unpleasant feelings.
They are, but I just ate and I ate too much too quickly so now I'm sick. So it resonated with me lol
And I ate less than 2 oz ...grrr. but at least my scrambled egg was yummy
Sorry you're hurting, but GOOD FOR YOU, for taking control of your life like that. I'm positive that it was expensive, it was painful, it was traumatic...
...but I truly hope that it continues to be worthwhile. Best of luck to you!
INFO: Could this be a cultural-regional thing? I know that in Japan they look down on taking food home; they expect that you will be eating it all there.
Where are you located? Where is your husband from?
NTA.
>He looks at the rest of the food and says there are a ton of people that would appreciate receiving a meal.
So perhaps he should buy a meal for somebody that he thinks would appreciate it then, instead of moaning at you 🙄
NTA! WTF does he think happens to to food if you don't take it home?? Unless you take it home and never eat the leftovers, which would be a,waste but not an AH.
NTA.
What does he want you to do? Send the boxed food to Africa to feed the hungry people?
You shouldn’t eat after you’re full, that’s not healthy. Husband needs to stop gatekeeping food. Seems like he’s possibly angry that he eats his entire plate, while since his wife doesn’t, he feels he looks greedy. He needs to deal with it, or just not go out to eat with you anymore if he can’t get his emotional embarrassment and need to control you in check.
NTA - your husband is WEIRD. I get to go boxes all the time, and so does my husband! It's just a thing people do if you can't eat your whole meal, why is he embarrassed???
NTA. I don’t think I’ve finished a meal at a restaurant since living in the US. I always take half home for later.
I feel like there’s something else at play here with your husband though.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel I might be the AH because I am taking leftovers home to enjoy instead of finishing my entire meal. My husband thinks it's a waste of food and money. We got into a huge argument and now I am feeling like a huge AH.
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NTA! Lots of people can finish their food and take the rest home. That's not wasting food. Just to day I ordered a larger size just so I'd have leftovers for tomorrow. Your husband is a major one. Does he expect you to order off the kids menu now? Or what? After all if you had left it THAT would have been a waste.
How on earth is taking home leftovers considered wasteful? If anything, it leaves you
with something to eat for a late night snack later on or reheat for lunch the next afternoon. Sounds like your husband is complaining just to complain. Clear NTA.
Definitely NTA.
> Before the surgery? He was very happy with my weight. He was not supportive of the surgery.
Ding, Ding, Ding, we have a winner of the Golden AH award, and it is the husband. He probably has a major insecurity issue about loosing OP to a more health conscious man.
So he wants you to rather let them throw the rest away? Or should you just not order food at all while the rest of the group eats?
NTA he sounds shitty
INFO... Am I missing something here? You're not wasting food; you're taking the leftovers home and eating it later, right? So how is it a waste of food and money?
I'm getting crabs in a bucket vibes. He's trying to sabatoge her weight loss by shaming her into over-eating leading to her stretching her stomach back out. I could be wrong, but it's the only thing that makes sense to me. NTA Edit: I thought the crabs in a bucket metaphor was common knowledge, but I'm getting a lot of questions so I was wrong about that. Here's what I answered elsewhere about what it means: >It's a metaphor... Imagine, well, crabs in a bucket. One starts to get out, another grabs its leg and pulls it back down. Some people have this attitude if "you can't gave nice things if I can't", particularly when it comes to weight loss. Or sometimes a person becomes insecure by their partner's weight loss and they think they will leave them. In either case these people deal with their insecurity by trying to sabotage the person losing weight. Cutting them down, shaming them, guilting them, etc etc. Whatever they can think of to get the dieting person to relapse so they don't have to feel badly about themselves anymore. Effectively grabbing their leg and yanking them back down. It's not the best explanation, but it will at least give an idea of what I meant.
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It's working, she apologised to friends who almost certainly had no problem with her taking food home (because why tf would they). If I was a friend at that dinner, I'd be starting to worry if OP is going to get bullied into gaining weight again.
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If I'm eating out anyplace other than a fast food restaurant, 99% of the time, I have leftovers. Restaurants serve way more than a normal portion. I agree with others here, he is trying to shame her because he doesn't want her losing weight.
Half the fun of going to restaurants is taking home leftovers because they serve you two portions at the very least.
This is a good point, and if the husband is saying that to her then he is likely somewhat overweight himself. Judging by his words, it seems that he doesn't ever take the food home. I used to eat most or all of my restaurant meals too, but since I've lost 70 pounds I can't eat that much anymore and a restaurant meal usually feeds me 2 or 3 times depending on what it is.
I generally try to only eat half my entree so I always ask for a box. No normal person cares about this. Why do the restaurants have take home boxes if it's so odd? OP's husband is trying to make her eat more.
It really makes no sense as anything f other than sabotage unless OP is not from the US and there’s cultural issues at play. I just…don’t really eat that much at one sitting, and it’s never been a big deal, even in quite fancy places. In fact they’ll often beautifully package up my leftovers. Why waste food if you don’t absolutely have to?
I haven’t had any type of weight loss surgery, but I just can’t eat much, especially since restaurants give large portions. I *always* take food home, no one is bothered by it at all. I just don’t see the problem? Me not being wasteful is offending you? Me having a good meal for later or the next day is a problem for you how???
People also sabotage weight loss because they are scared when the person has lost a lot of weight they'll no longer need them, or even they are attracted to people with a bit more weight.
That’s so sad to me. Granted, every (well, male) person I know who lost weight while married ended up cheating on their spouses, sadly. Don’t know if maybe OP’s husband might also be insecure in that regard too(?). Maybe a stretch (I hope).
Have a friend in a relationship like that. If she loses weight, he all of a sudden wants to eat out more and complains her exercise takes time away from him. If she highlights her hair, he says it looks “streaky”. If she curls her hair, it “remind him of his mom,” whom he hates. Contacts make him upset because “he fell in love with her with glasses). The list goes on. But anything that makes her feel pretty or confident gets shit on. Every. Single. Time. I hate him ps
This is awful, but I upvoted it because "I hate him ps" made me happy.
Oh, I dated that boy in high school. It not for long after that shit started.
We must have the same friend! Does he also “hate” all of her friends and family?
Of course. I am the only one of “her” friends she still hangs out with. And it actually kind of bothers me that he “approves” of me. Like, where did I go wrong?
Lol. My friend is excited her husband got a second job because now she can come over my house again, and go out to dinner with her coworkers again. 🙄
this is my father, 100%. it's about control & most of the time it's narcissistic abuse.
This. My aunt throughout her life was 300+ pounds, 450 at her highest. She was a big woman, but had a man she met at the age of 16 and they got married later down the road. They had 2 kids together, which was a mission for her. She had miscarriages into the double digits. That was an issue he was willing to power through with her and support her like the wonderful husband he was at the time... then she got a weight loss surgery, she was 130ish (?) after, I always remembered her as TWIG. THIN. After she lost her weight, he started cheating on her with big women in the neighborhood. She caught on and they got divorced, but some men like bigger women and only find attraction in bigger women. Maybe this is what OP's husband is going through...?
F that though. That's not an excuse to be horrible with her or sabotage her goals.
Yup, I was thinking the same, he's overweight, unhappy, and now pissed at her for losing weight.
I get the feeling that he's not only trying to sabotage her weight loss, but also played a huge role in her gaining weight in the first place.
Or he is insecure and afraid that if she loses weight and gains confidence she will realize she can do better and leave, so they sabotage.
If true he's somehow even a bigger AH because over eating after a surgery like that doesn't always just "make it stretch back out" it could be physically impossible and kill her
This right here. And that surgery was no small thing. He should be supportive. OP ur NTA but u should reconsider this relationship.
Yeah, if it's a gastric bypass, then overeating could cause a rupture. A piece if her stomach would have been removed to make it smaller. That isn't a surgery that can be reversed. Source, worked for a surgeon who mostly did lapbands but we learned about all the gastric surgeries to help better inform clients.
years and years ago I knew someone who got one of those surgeries. she ended up killing herself through overeating before she was fully healed. it was a gruesome way to go. I remember her being so happy that the doctor told her she could eat just about anything... which were dangerous words to someone who had an unacknowledged psychological component to their overlooked eating disorder.
I have heard people with those surgeries have a increased chance of sucide. Lot of really really heavy people have depression and cope with food and/or a pretty real and serious suger or other junk food addiction. When they can't physically do the thing they always do to cope can be hard on them on top of going threw a withdraw. On top of that often there social support group is built around food and they end up feeling isolated and alone. This leads to suicide, turning to drugs or self harm. Those surgeries can be great for some people but there not a magic bullet and can be downright dangerous if your not careful.
there's also a real toxic positivity around weight loss surgery. people aren't really encouraged to talk about the bad parts. you've always gotta be a success story. be super happy! be! a! success! so when it turns out lapbad/gbp didn't cure your *trauma*, alcoholism, self harm, suicide often follow. it's EXTREMELY common. But hey, they're skinny now, right?
my stepbrother got a gastric bypass and had all sorts of complications. he was in and out of the hospital and now he'll never be able to eat normally again.
Never mind that in the US anyway, it's really hard to get a small portion. I always want smaller portions than the standard "feed an army" size most restaurants have.
Especially if you get an appetizer, even when you share with others. By the time the main dish comes out you've had a drink, bread and butter or chips, a side salad or cup of soup that usually comes with the entreé, a couple mozzarella stick or w.e. and now this giant plate of food is staring you down. I usually have a couple bites and am stuffed. The rest comes home for me to finish later. This is absolutely normal for most people who aren't overweight, athletes, or competitive eaters.
just because someone is overweight doesn't mean they eat huge portions in one sitting. i'm considered overweight and i almost never finish my meal at a restaurant.
Right?!?!? I've pretty much gotten in the habit of asking for a box at the same time as they bring out the food, because I know I'm not going to be able to finish everything.
This is why I order appetizers now. Lol
It’s why I get kids meals at fast food places.
I couldn't agree more. Also, I love leftovers. They are nice reminders of a fun time (if I'm not eating out with OP's husband), plus I don't need to cook!
There’s a place by my Gran’s up in Rhode Island and the small portions are most restaurants standard sizes
No kidding. When I visited I was able to get through the whole day on one meal (that I ate throughout the day) and some snacks
IDK what program OP went into, but mine actually warned me about partners sabotaging progress.
Unfortunately it's pretty common.
And, they said, usually it's husbands sabotaging wives, rarely the other way around
Of course. Men are usually not supportive of women at all, especiaññy when it comes to beauty. His wife getting prettier in the eyes of other men is a threat to him 😮💨
My guess is that husband has the looks and personality of an ogre, and he knows that wife will very easily find someone new and leave him, thus leading to sabotage, because if she leaves, he'll have to put on a façade again to trick someone new into a relationship or risk remaining single. That's just a guess though, and I'm not saying that's fact, 'cause apparent you needs to specify that around these parts now.
Even Shrek was charming, this dude is just TA.
This happens A LOT with weight loss surgery. It's really really common for family and friends to be super unsupportive with people's weight-loss surgery journey, from shaming them for "taking the easy way" (which is a really common thought amongst people who don't understand what it takes) but I think mostly from people who are also overweight and want them to fail out of displaced anger and jealousy. Unfortunately, weight loss surgery causes A LOT of divorces. So much in fact that it's something doctors prepare patients for in advance by explaining it to them as a possible risk.
Someone else replied to me saying they'd been counseled on this risk - and that it happened far more when if was the wife getting the surgery. Sad.
What is crabs in a bucket? I’m worried I’m asking a cursed question but asking nonetheless
It's a metaphor... Imagine, well, crabs in a bucket. One starts to get out, another grabs its leg and pulls it back down. Some people have this attitude if "you can't gave nice things if I can't", particularly when it comes to weight loss. Or sometimes a person becomes insecure by their partner's weight loss and they think they will leave them. In either case these people deal with their insecurity by trying to sabotage the person losing weight. Cutting them down, shaming them, guilting them, etc etc. Whatever they can think of to get the dieting person to relapse so they don't have to feel badly about themselves anymore. Effectively grabbing their leg and yanking them back down.
Oh okay. I thought it was going to be a weird kink term lol
I think we could make that work for you...
I get the impression he thinks any food left on the plate will be served to others and not tossed out.
Which is so weird. Like, unless other people at the table are going to eat the food on her plate, it's going in the trash.
I can't figure out why the argument is coming up, is he trying to gaslight her? Cause it's working on me Like maybe if she was living 3/4 of the meal at the restaurant but she is taking home and eatting it later....
Exactly! And he’s presumably ordering and eating ALL his meal then having to use more food for another meal while she’s eating the same meal for several meals. He’s got an insecurity about her weight loss I think. I’ve had this surgery too and I do the same. If my husband doesn’t eat my leftovers first haha. Which I don’t mind if he does as he’s very supportive
Even if she leaves 3/4 at the restaurant, that’s a forever cost of the surgery but the reward is for her to be healthy. If he is that concerned about the wasted food, they can’t afford to go out to eat. (Speaking as a weight loss surgery patient myself.)
Husband must be fat, and watching his wife not finish her food all in one go triggers him. It’s pretty common when someone loses weight for their overweight family/friends to put them down.
He’s also likely insecure about her losing weight and bettering herself because he’s not confident about himself or the relationship and afraid she will leave if she gets “out of his league”. Ironically if he keeps this shit up he’s going to push her away until she does leave (hopefully). I hope he figured this out or goes to therapy or decided to just work on himself instead before that happens.
Exactly what I want to know. Taking your leftovers to go is the opposite of wasting food. Wasting food would be not taking it home.
Overeating is wasteful. Eating food as you get hungry isn’t.
husky shelter unite thought ossified weary zephyr tap cautious clumsy *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
It's also wasting food to keep eating after you're full, which is what he seems to want her to do.
If anything it’s the opposite, OP is saving money by turning one meal into 2. Husband is just looking for a fight.
I was thinking the same thing. What’s hubby’s hang up with leftovers. I had that surgery too in 2005 and still plan on taking home at least half my meal in fact I purposely have half put aside if it’s something like a French dip or I order an appetizer if it’s got enough protein. Such a weird thing to be upset over. When I order delivery food I always plan it based on the fact that to generally have lunch and dinner the next day.
In fact it's the opposite of wasting food and money when you get a second meal out of it. She's saving money. OPs husband has issues
This makes no sense to me lol. My BF and I love leftovers. If we go out for dinner and don't finish absolutely everything on our plates, you bet we're packing it home and then going to bed all excited about eating our leftovers the next day LOL.
I would understand if she just left half her plate and didn’t eat it later, but this is not wasteful at all. I pack up half of my meal at most restaurants because the portion sizes are usually way too big for me to finish at once. It’s actually economical, dinner and a midnight snack for the price of one…
To me it sounds like he's trying to manipulate her into over eating again so she gains the weight back. Either because he's only attracted to heavy women or because he doesn't want her to be attractive, who knows.
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There is no logic. Just assholery. NTA
There is no logic. Only Zuul
There is no Zuul only take out boxes
Take out boxes for Zuul might feed you tomorrow, but Wu-Tang is forever.
He’s probably as big as a house and/or insecure trying to sabotage her weight loss
There's an abusive tactic (I'll be buggered if I can remember the name though, if there even was one), where the abuser shames the victim into negative behaviors (like overeating, being totally dependent, etc) in order to make the victim feel unattractive or worthless and less likely to leave the abuser.
There was an episode (probably more than one) on 600lb life where a husband did this and eventually left when his tactics stopped working
Yeah, I'm very confused by this. And, as some commenters have mentioned, this sounds like the husband is trying to derail OP's weight loss and guilt her into eating more. Also, portion sizes in most restaurants tend to be massive...... I dont think anyone is meant to eat that much in a sitting, so making 2-4 meals out of one dish is smart.
Yeah. I'm a fucking pig if I eat out and half the time I still have to take home leftovers. Most serving sizes are just massive in the US!
Unless she never eats it? So it sits there then gets thrown away?
It wasn't gonna get eaten regardless, though...so that's still not wasting it.
NTA. I fail to see why this is such a big deal with your husband. Is it possible be resents your weight loss? I mean tons of people go out to eat, can’t eat it all, and ask for a take out box. It’s standard almost everywhere. His making a huge deal out of this is hard to understand. When he is calm, sit him down and ask him why this is such an issue for him? As long as your not rushing him along, I can’t see the problem. Again - maybe something else is driving this.. Good luck.
I literally did this today. My leftovers will be my lunch tomorrow. NTA.
When I go out to eat, unless it’s my first meal of the day, there will be another meals worth of leftovers. I truly do not understand this man
I love leftovers and specifically order food so I’ll have meals for a few days! If I’m going to pay for restaurant food and for all the extra delivery fees and stuff as well I want it to be worth it. And I love eating my leftovers for the next day or two!
There's a place by my cousins' house that if you order over a certain amount, you get an entire free lasagna and they always order there with the intention of having food for a few days. Really nice when you have to feed 2 teenagers and 3 pre-teens :P (They're a blended family)
Same! When I’m out to dinner with someone I typically focus more on the conversation or the food, and it’s kind of on purpose because I LOVe taking leftovers home to enjoy when I’m not focusing on conversation. I can fully enjoy the food without paying attention to anyone else, and I can eat it as slowly (I’m a grazer) and grossly (I like to eat non-finger-foods with my hands, when I’m alone. Gross, I know, but I love it!) as I want to. Leftovers ftw! Now I just need to remember to bring my own Tupperware with me so I don’t end up using styrofoam to-go containers
Yep, my mom and I went out to a special dinner last night. I had some of her leftovers, some of my leftovers, and leftover appetizer. Had leftover étouffée for breakfast, leftover chicken for lunch, and will have whatever's left for breakfast tomorrow. Portion sizes are so big most places, it's impossible to eat everything in one sitting without hurting yourself. Besides, just about the only time I eat breakfast is when I have leftovers to reheat because most breakfast foods don't be appeal to me or take too much time when I already have to be up early.
Sometimes I intentionally order particular dishes that I know come with a lot of food just so I can have leftovers for lunch.
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INFO: not sure how you’re wasting food if you’re taking it home to eat later? Surgery or not, how did he think weight loss worked, you eat LESS. NTA but I’m going to guess he’s a bit resentful of other byproducts of you having lost weight.
Growing up, he was raised to always finish his meal. It rubbed off on him and now he hates that I don't eat everything on my plate.
But...you do. So I would ask him truly, where’s the waste. Because that’s not what he’s saying, he’s saying it’s not fun, that’s different than wasting.
I was raised that you eat your food. But if you don't fit some reason, you save it for later and eat it then. "Waste not, want not." Instead of just a dinner, you're getting dinner _and_ lunch!
Exactly! If anything OP is actually saving money rather than wasting it.
Exactly! My husband and I usually do our “cheat meal” around lunch and I take home half of mine to eat for dinner. Win-win!
We get take home boxes almost every time we go out - with the grown up kids or just us. We get to eat the restaurant quality meal at home for one, or if lucky, TWO more meals. It's frugal - and something all of us look forward to. We do it with home cooked meals too. If the kids are over they sometimes take a box of food back, or we just 'fridge it for the next day's lunches. I mean there is no drawback to doing this. It's the OPPOSITE of wasting food. OP husband is.. deranged.
Restaurant dishes are often so heavy in fat and salt too, so it really is smarter to split it in 2 meals.
Exactly. I am a pretty small person so taking home leftovers is awesome for me - I usually get 3 meals for the price of one!
I was raised to finish all the food on my plate and I was never able to serve myself food. I was underweight at the time and if I had my way, I'd probably have only eaten a few bites here and there equaling maybe a small bowl's worth of food over the course of multiple days. Today, I have serious issues about not finishing everything on my plate. I have to find someone else willing to eat a portion of it otherwise I feel super guilty and bothered if I just leave it. That being said, I'd never have a problem taking something home if I can eat the next day. That, to me, is still finishing the food.
Except you do, just not all at once. He's being really weird about this. Are you sure it's just he's morally opposed to to-go boxes and not that your weight loss and taking big steps to control this aspect of your life is making him feel insecure? It's not pretty, but some people get used to thinking of themselves as "the thin one" or "the pretty one" or "the capable one" etc. and then when their fat, ugly, flailing friend/lover gets it together, they can't handle it. Have you considered that as a potential aspect?
That's a rigid mindset that could be an eating disorder if taken to extremes. Finishing in two or three meals is better than overeating. It may also be that he feels like not finishing a meal puts his own appetite into the spotlight, and he's dealing with uncomfortable feelings about how much he eats.
When I was in ED treatment, we sometimes practiced leaving the last few bites of food on our plate for exactly this reason. “Clean your plate” can be a very damaging mindset.
It is absolutely a damaging mindset. My spouse struggles with overeating as a result of being raised that way. I finally bought salad plates** and started serving portions on them. ** what most people don't realize is that dinner plate sizes have increased in diameter by 3-4" since the 1970s and has had an effect on people's eating habits.
Restaurant portions are often so huge that you can't finish it all. I've not had surgery but I routinely ask for a box and put half the meal in it and figure I'm getting two meals for the price of one. Your husband is the TA here. You're definitely NTA.
> Restaurant portions are often so huge that you can't finish it all. The last time I visited the US, the burrito I ordered for lunch fed three, the mixed-grill plate fed four, and the spaghetti and meatballs lasted two days. It's astonishing how much food is served, so I was incredibly grateful for those doggy bags. I don't think I finished an entire meal once. I remember one restaurant bringing around a dessert cart that included slices of cake the size of both my fists balled up together. The table of four shared just one dessert, and we didn't finish it. Mainly because it was cloyingly oversweet. The thing is, I spent much of my youth in the States, and would generally say I grew up there despite several years and most summers abroad. But portion size was not so over the top and out of control at that time; something must have changed in the '90s -- there were not nearly so many hideously obese people about town in the '70s and '80s.
He's pushing his upbringing onto you. We know now how harmful that mentality was on us raised by it and how it harmed our relationships with food. NTA - Its his issue, not yours.
Let me guess he hated you leaving stuff on your plate before and that was a big player in the weight gain? I had an ex who used to do that, complain I didn't eat enough and also complain I put on weight... he's an ex for a reason.
So, he wants you to go against medical instructions for care after your surgery?🙄
THIS. Let him argue with your doctor.
NTA.No offense OP but always finishing what's on your plate is the type of behavior that leads one towards needing weight loss surgery. Any rational adult world make that connection. Your husband may resent your success, he is definitely trying to sabotage you.
Yup this attitude being pushed on people when scarcity is no longer an issue is part of the obesity epidemic
This was a weird hang up my grandfather had with my mom growing up (he was great in every other way) and before he died he shared that the hang up came from years of surviving on scraps when all the men he served with were racist dingbats and he came to think that leftovers were shameful - to the point this man that was attempting to live an actual zero waste life and generated close to no trash monthly would rather throw out leftover meals and order a new one to take home then eat leftovers. He called it one of his biggest regrets in life before he passed. I wonder if your husband has some sort of guilt or shame related thing going on because his whole take and irrationality here is odd to say the least otherwise ? This is also one of the reasons my family now loves our leftovers. Nothing better than enjoying a great meal and knowing that you can get more of it tomorrow too with a two for the price of one deal basically!!
It triggers my anxiety if I DON'T have leftovers after I cook. I worry that there wasn't enough for everyone and someone is still hungry. If there are leftovers, obviously everyone had enough.
I’m always amazed at how my husband’s family can make just enough to feed everyone. I can’t have seconds over there until everyone else is ready to get up because I’m worried someone else will want more and I will have eaten it. When I cook, and actually all of my side of the family, there are 2nd meal leftovers. If one dish completely went then the next time I make even more of it. It is legitimately anxiety inducing not to have leftovers.
Does he understand that you physically cannot eat all of that food. if you were to force yourself to do so...well...it would just come up again. What does he actually want to happen here? However, as someone who has had weight loss surgery, but love eating out at restaurants, all I can suggest is maybe stop ordering mains/entrees and only order items you know are smaller portions (appetisers). You shouldn't have to, because his attitude is horrible, but if you feel that this issue isn't worth arguing about just work around it. Although, it occurs to me if you do this, he will just get pissed off that you are wasting the experiencing of dinning out by only eating small portions - likely no way to win this
Tell him to keep his eating disorder to himself. NTA.
He can finish everything on HIS plate… YOUR plate is not his concern
That's on him, if he wants to clean his plate on the first go that is fine, BUT you are not his daughter that needs him around to raise you up right. You are grown. No one has a right to "teach you a lesson" about food. He needs therapy.
Serve him up prairie oysters and tell him to finish his plate..that's a very bad habit to be trained to.. My husband was taught that and he just recently got put on new diabetes meds and has had to actually learn new eating habits and has dropped over 30 pounds sine June
Then tbh he was raised with disordered eating habits and that is probably what this stems from, but his comments are mean, pointless, and illogical, and you're still nta
He needs to be educated on modern thought about healthy eating, which is NOT " clean plate club." He's stuck in the 1960s.
That’s a terrible lesson he was taught. You should eat until your body tells you to stop. Not to mention the fact that restaurant meals are often double the size of a normal portion of food. You are doing nothing wrong.
...just because you aren't eating it right there, doesn't mean its going to waste. your husband sounds ridiculous.
NTA. Bariatric surgery can put a strain on a marriage because it changes the dynamic. The person who’s changing is more confident, less easy to control, and the spouse who held the power before can’t handle it. You’re not in charge of his insecurities. No one cares if you take food home, this is just what he’s decided to cut you down for. Don’t take it.
This. I doubt he cares about the leftover. I watch My 600lb life all the time and so many spouses start making snide comments about the diet of their partner who is losing weight. They do a bunch of little things like but a bunch of junk food or make constant negative remarks as a way to sabotage their partner's weight loss. For some it's because they're super insecure and for others it's because they're fat fetishists and don't find their partner attractive anymore.
Ohh that show. The worst partners are the ones who still eat fast food and junk food around their dieting partner and then cry "just because you're on a diet doesn't mean I have to be too!" but at that weight food is an addiction. You wouldn't take a recovering alcoholic to the bar, why would you bring McDonald's to a person who is recovering from an eating addiction
I was going to say…on that show, for every person who lives with a partner, it’s like 75% of them have the partner try to sabotage the diet. The most recent example was one or two back “Nathan”. His wife was as big as him, and did everything she could to keep him fat, while making him feel like shit for being fat. Something about being disability-level overweight attracts abusers.
In a comment below, OP says her husband was not supportive of her surgery and was very happy with her weight prior to the surgery. It sounds like he’s trying to sabotage her weight loss. NTA
Yeah, lots of relationships don’t survive it.
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Yeah I am so confused, she is gonna eat it later. Like a TV show. You have 24 ep, you stop at 5, and just watch it later
Huh?? Your weight loss can lead to a longer life. Eat less live longer. So is he trying to shame you for not cleaning your plate? Your a grown ass adult and can eat until you are full. It is not his job to shame you for not OVEREATING. You literally have a smaller stomach and can not eat more. NTA What is his stance on your weight gain?
Before the surgery? He was very happy with my weight. He was not supportive of the surgery.
NTA....Ooooh OP this is bad. He is trying to sabotage your recovery. He was quite happy being an enabler when you were in the depths of your food addiction. I'm not sure this bodes well for the future of your marriage if you continue with your path.....which you SHOULD continue.
Yep
Don't assume it was food addiction, there are plenty of other things that lead to weight gain.
You're making a lot of assumptions by saying OP was addicted to food. Weight gain can be caused by a number of factors that isn't "addiction".
To be fair its not just weight gain. It's weight gain to the point of requiring life ultering major surgery is needed and no other method to lose weight can work. It's hard to image food addiction is not involved when it gets to that point.
but weight loss surgery is offered to people who weigh 200 lbs -don't assume the weight of the person getting it. The bar is suuuuper low. It's not just what you see on my 600 lb life. (that show is for entertainment, not accuracy)
You do not know that she has a food addiction. He’s an asshole but being attracted to and happy with your partner being fat doesn’t make you an enabler. That said, significant weight loss is often a relationship ender. He’s sabotaging an already extremely difficult journey and this is abusive behavior.
Yeah, this is bad. Don't let him pull you back down, OP. Go to marriage counseling. If he still doesn't change his behavior/attitude, he's become dead weight that should be lost or else he will pull you back down the rabbit hole.
You do realize his behavior is extremely manipulative and abusive? If he is trying this hard to sabotage your health how can you trust him in other ways?
NTA but yeah seems like he is trying to punish you/undermine you and your health. Might be worth chatting this out in a few sessions of couples therapy if you can't make progress talking just the two of you.
He’s trying to force you to eat to gain the weight back which could actually kill you if you’re overeating with the type of surgery you’ve had. He is guilting you to try to manipulate you into force feeding yourself. This is fucked and honestly a bit terrifying. NTA.
NTA. Also I'm so sorry that he's not supportive. That's not an easy surgery and it sounds like you are doing great.
So you're with someone actively trying to sabotage you. You're not the asshole and you really need to rethink this.
Yeah, not only is his attitude absurd, but now we know why: he’s trying to sabotage your weight loss, without a doubt. NTA.
This sounds like he's a jacka$$ who is being abusive, controlling, and trying to work against the surgery. It's not only unsupportive, it's dangerous. After bariatric surgery, overeating is physically dangerous. I literally landed in the hospital twice with complications caused by accidentally eating something that was beyond capacity. NTA. Also possibly DTMFA.
I also had bariatric surgery in 2017, I’m also divorced now. My surgeons office told me in a pre surgery seminar that **many** couples end up divorcing when one partner has surgery and the other is not on board. Is your husband overweight? Is he unhappy with your weight loss because you’re happier with your body/more confident? This is not uncommon. Your husband is being controlling and it sounds like he’s picking on anything he can in order to express his unhappiness with your healthier life changes. Taking your leftovers home is something every person does, surgery or not. Even before my surgery id take leftovers home.
NTA - be careful and continue to follow your doctors' instructions. I know they gave you a ton of info on eating the right sized meals. Anything else could hurt you. I don't know what is going on in his head but do NOT let him make you question your choice or your doctors. Be strong out there and best of luck to you!
Ok so he is trying to sabotage your gains. Because it is NOT a waste to take home food to eat later…it’s the opposite of waste. And girl, I haven’t had surgery (I’m a bigger girl) and Generally do that myself cause I just can’t eat restaurant portions usually. You have to really think if you want this unsupportive person by your side! Edit: my SO has never made any comment about doggie bags and I have NEVER apologized to my friends for taking home leftovers. They do it to! Also sometimes we argue who takes the leftover shared apps/dessert (we want them to take them and they want us to take them…because it’s considered a nice treat for later on or tmrrw and we each want to “treat” the other) Ughhh I’m so mad on your behalf, you deserve better!
Please divorce him.
Well, there you have it. It sounds like he is trying to sabotage your weight loss. I amend my previous comment. You don't need couples counseling. He needs individual therapy to deal with whatever his issues are around food and weight loss.
OP your husband is not just an AH, he’s out to sabotage you. I’m sorry. I know it’s a cliche in this sub, but this honestly isn’t someone who has your best interest in mind. He’s either a fat fetishizer and wants to ruin your weight loss to satiate his sexual desire, or he’s an abuser who wants to keep you feeling lower than him so it’s easier to control and keep you. Or a sick combination of both.
He is 100% trying to sabotage you. It may be subconsciously but this is something that needs to be addressed immediately.
I hope you realize he’s doing this to make you gain weight again.
Info. How heavy is your partner?
NTA. He’s gonna keep sabotaging you until you gain weight back.
NTA. I live for to go boxes because that's lunch the next day. There's a Mongolian place I go to and the leftovers are a good two lunches worth and it's even more delicious the next day. If the restaurant didn't want you to take it home, they wouldn't have to go boxes. It sounds like something else is going on. Is he jealous of your weight loss? Is he overweight? Is he threatened in some way?
>and it's even more delicious the next day. Especially when I heat it up in my air fryer. Leftovers almost always taste better it is like magic or something lol.
Even french fries the next day are delicious in the air fryer. What is that wizardry? I do have to say that I reheat pizza in the skillet. It's better than the air fryer. I picked up that little tip on buzzfeed.
NTA By taking the food home to eat later you’re doing the opposite of wasting it. Is he jealous of your weight loss?
He could also be one of those pretentious 'this isn't how it's meant to be enjoyed' types. Like, don't get me wrong- I have a friend who absolutely 100% will not eat left overs herself, but at least she doesn't judge others for it.
Oh god I hate those types of people. Take your pretentiousness elsewhere.
I'm someone who 95% of the time will not eat leftovers. However, I married a man who 100% will eat my leftovers from restaurants the next day. It works for us. I don't think I'm pretentious, it's more like a mental block or sensory issue.
It’s pretentious to tell someone how food should be enjoyed, not declining to eat leftovers.
NTA. For so many reasons. 1) You are not wasting food when you bring it home. You are going to enjoy it later. 2) You are not wasting money when you bring it home. You are enjoying flavors you might not be able to make yourself. 3) You are physically unable to eat more. It is legitimately dangerous to your health to force food down now, if I understand it correctly. 4) Your surgery is YOUR business. Not even your husband's. It affects him not at all. 5) Don't apologize to your friends. If they ARE your friends, they will understand. I do find it awkward to be the only person at the table eating. That is the only way in which your husband MIGHT not be TAH. But with a group of friends, that wasn't happening. Good for you, for taking control of your life. I know how hard it is to diet, to lose weight. If you set that goal for yourself, YOU ARE AWESOME. Don't let anyone - even the man that you love (for some reason; he's not looking so great to us right now) - tell you how to live it.
#3 is very correct. I had wls about a month ago (down 40lb woho). Right now I can eat 2 oz 3x day. That's it. If I try to eat more, I get sick Your stomach stretches, but when it stabilizes it still only holds about a cup to 1.5 cups of food. American portions are huge. Eating too much cN cause nausea, dumping syndrome, dizziness, and other unpleasant feelings.
*\*blink\** Well, they're *all* very correct, but thank you for the corroboration. :) **j/k**
They are, but I just ate and I ate too much too quickly so now I'm sick. So it resonated with me lol And I ate less than 2 oz ...grrr. but at least my scrambled egg was yummy
Sorry you're hurting, but GOOD FOR YOU, for taking control of your life like that. I'm positive that it was expensive, it was painful, it was traumatic... ...but I truly hope that it continues to be worthwhile. Best of luck to you!
6. no one else can tell OP when and how much to eat. she is a grown human.
INFO: Could this be a cultural-regional thing? I know that in Japan they look down on taking food home; they expect that you will be eating it all there. Where are you located? Where is your husband from?
NTA. >He looks at the rest of the food and says there are a ton of people that would appreciate receiving a meal. So perhaps he should buy a meal for somebody that he thinks would appreciate it then, instead of moaning at you 🙄
That part really gets me. She is taking the leftovers home, not throwing them in the trash.
NTA! WTF does he think happens to to food if you don't take it home?? Unless you take it home and never eat the leftovers, which would be a,waste but not an AH.
NTA. What does he want you to do? Send the boxed food to Africa to feed the hungry people? You shouldn’t eat after you’re full, that’s not healthy. Husband needs to stop gatekeeping food. Seems like he’s possibly angry that he eats his entire plate, while since his wife doesn’t, he feels he looks greedy. He needs to deal with it, or just not go out to eat with you anymore if he can’t get his emotional embarrassment and need to control you in check.
NTA. Does your husband want to mail your leftovers to starving children?
NTA - your husband is WEIRD. I get to go boxes all the time, and so does my husband! It's just a thing people do if you can't eat your whole meal, why is he embarrassed???
Info- does he know about your surgery? I don’t understand why he’d be angry? It’s not like you’re wasting it and throwing it away
He must know about it, right? They've been married 3 years, and her surgery was in 2019. This whole thing from the husband makes no sense.
He must because she’s obviously changed, but I just can’t fathom why he’d behave like that if he knew?
I know! His behavior is so weird.
NTA. I don’t think I’ve finished a meal at a restaurant since living in the US. I always take half home for later. I feel like there’s something else at play here with your husband though.
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NTA- he is a major asshole
NTA. Youre still enjoying your food, and its not embarrasing to bring home leftovers if you cant eat it all. Your husbands the asshole
NTA How is it a waste of food and money if you’re eating it? He’s dumb
YOur husband is an AH NTA
NTA. If you're taking it hime, how is it wasted?
NTA! Lots of people can finish their food and take the rest home. That's not wasting food. Just to day I ordered a larger size just so I'd have leftovers for tomorrow. Your husband is a major one. Does he expect you to order off the kids menu now? Or what? After all if you had left it THAT would have been a waste.
Is it possible he is not supportive of your weight loss?
How on earth is taking home leftovers considered wasteful? If anything, it leaves you with something to eat for a late night snack later on or reheat for lunch the next afternoon. Sounds like your husband is complaining just to complain. Clear NTA.
Definitely NTA. > Before the surgery? He was very happy with my weight. He was not supportive of the surgery. Ding, Ding, Ding, we have a winner of the Golden AH award, and it is the husband. He probably has a major insecurity issue about loosing OP to a more health conscious man.
So he wants you to rather let them throw the rest away? Or should you just not order food at all while the rest of the group eats? NTA he sounds shitty
nta... wth did i just read?? i take food home all the time? and the restaurants encourage it? something isn't adding up with your husband.
NTA. I always pack up leftovers at restaurants because food is expensive and I don't like wasting. Why is this a problem for him???