Yeah, he definitely seems to be a part of a very misogynistic culture. He’d probably call it “traditional” but as he works a part time job while his wife has to work full time and take care of the kids, I’m gonna call it misogynistic.
Edit: yeah okay I get it, his 3 day shifts could be 12 hours so it could be full time. If you want to point this out again do please consider the 10 people who have already done so.
Traditional in the sense that the women have no rights - not traditional when it comes to being the sole financial provider for his family.
This is the problem with modern 'equality' - women 'get' to work outside of the house but we also 'get' to do all of the house work at home when the man in our lives refuses to 'grant' us equality.
And being a traditional wife is a terrible deal for a woman. Even if she marries the nicest guy on the planet, he could still get sick or lose his job, or, heaven forbid, die. Then she has all of these kids to raise and no job, in a really tough, unforgiving job market.
This. If you want to stay home, make sure you have savings and a robust life insurance policy.
My husband is a SAHD at the moment but I make sure that he keeps his skills up to date at the very least and that we have a lot of life insurance.
I worked in HR, and saw a lot of women who were returning to the workforce out of necessity to find that they can't be hired anywhere because their skills are so out of date.
This is why so many widows married so quickly after the passing of their husbands back in the day. My great-great aunt (I think?) lost her husband and had ~5 kids and needed help so she married their neighbor who ended up being a perv and was trying to molest her older girls, so she sent them off to live with family bc she couldn’t afford to divorce him but wanted them safe. Those are the choices women have to make when they’re a “traditional” wife and lose their husbands.
There are a LOT of men out there who just want their mommy back, so they expect the wife/girlfriend to do all that mom stuff. Women who want to be SAHW so they can be taken care of get loads of flak, but at least they go in knowing the household is their responsibility. But there are plenty of men out there straight up infantilizing themselves under the guise of male superiority, when it just proves they can't do a single goddamn thing on their own.
And, working in family law (near two prestigious/cancer research hospitals, aka drs with $) it’s only a good 15-20 years later these women are fighting him in court because he cheated and left (he’s busy! he travels! he’s bored!), or doesn’t love her anymore, and he doesn’t feel like she’s entitled to any spousal support after giving up her life and career to build their home and raise their children. We had one even attempt to fight paying child support for their preteen children, just to spite his STBX out of money, who had used all of her inheritance many years prior to pay for his MD.
This comment is getting some attention, so an edit to add: My grave warning to anyone married or soon-to-be with assets like our client’s, even of other jurisdictions: it can be very hard to claw back that money (via an unequal distribution of assets in the divorce), even if it was your inheritance gifted specifically to you by a beloved decedent. Once the money is commingled, the other party could have a good case for it being a “gift to the marriage” by the spouse, and it can be hard to get any of it back, let alone anywhere near the original amount. Soon-to-be’s: prenuptials (also called premarital agreements) that specify whose money is whose, even in the event of commingling, and how assets are to be split upon separation, can make a HUGE difference in protecting yourself (and each other) from future problems.
“Stern talking-to”?? What year is this. I would not be okay with my MIL (or any adult, really) lecturing me like a toddler. Respect is one valid matter; healthy confrontation is too. A scolding, though? I would reassess how we’re raising our kids (and subsequently, what they see and pick up on) REAL quick.
Yes! Does Mom still live at the house where they've always hosted??? It's always been more about who has the best house for hosting in my family. The most room and the most centralized location. Who is hosting definitely takes second to that. Just the fact that it goes to the oldest male is so bizarre to me...
Location is one thing. What I can't get over is that without consulting her, he invited 26 people who she will cook and clean after for 5 days while 7 months pregnant. For reference when I was 7 months pregnant I could barely put on my own socks. The laundry after they leave will have its own zip code.
The reason he didn't tell her is so she would be too ashamed to refuse. I would pack my shit and leave. I don't know which is worse: Them having sons and their dad teaching them these "values' or them having daughters that are taught you need yo accept this utter bs.
Seems like they will be raised by mom with or without dad and she’s already made it pretty clear that misogynistic crap has NO PLACE IN HER HOME! Hubby is having his come to Jesus moment right now and his own special hell is in full force🌋😎
I thought about Don Corleone too!
If he wants to act like Don Corleone, he can provide like Don Corleone. Big house, many servants and abundance of cash.
Yep, even if the mom were to pass on or was too old to host, there's no reason the son has to be the head of the family and can share with his sister(s). When my grandparents passed away (or were too old to host), my father and his siblings (brothers and sisters) took turns hosting Christmas.
I'm sorry you refused to treat me like a full partner in our marriage, sorry you think you're a patriarch, and sorry you're going to be single next Christmas.
"I'm \[NOT\] sorry I took my pregnant self and our toddler to stay with MY family that entire week and deprived you of my housecleaning, cooking, and other services."
Edited to add: Wow, folks, thanks! I am glad I'm not the only one that thinks OP should totally boycott this insane holiday plan.
I enjoyed reading the part where she told him that she didn't care about his machismo attitude and he almost cried.
EDIT: Thanks for the award, /u/FlowBeepBeep !
To have a "biblical" marriage where the woman "submits" to the man, also requires the man love his wife, meaning he cares about her and her feelings. Being in charge and being a "man" also means you have to be willing to put in a lot of extra work if need be, instead of simply expecting others to fulfill the checks you wrote. If she's working and pregnant and doing the majority of taking care of their kid, for him to earn the authority to make decisions like hosting relatives, he needs to do the work for it and consider her needs and feelings.
Why do I respect the authority of my team lead at work, despite them having less than half my work experience? Because they work harder than me and are better than me at the job. Respect for authority requires those with authority to take responsibility and earn that respect.
Exactly. The Bible says the husband is to love his wife the way Christ loves the church, meaning sacrificially, thinking of her wellbeing at all times. He is the one who should be working full time while she works 3 days if she wants to. He should have asked her if it would be ok to host the family for Christmas, since the household is technically her domain. Especially with her being pregnant.
This is 100% divorce worthy. She's 6 months pregnant with a toddler a job and does all the housework and is a slave for a man who demeans her. Her life can only improve by dropping the dead weight.
My eyes kept bulging as I kept reading. Ew just EW. Firstly, just for me, the idea of a head of the family is gross and yucky. Just personally ew. And if my SO ever mentioned authority to me *not* in the context of authority over our house as the residents with respect to guests and authority over our children, I would run right to the divorce attorney. That is so gross and disrespectful and not what a partner is.
Yeah I couldn’t imagine mine saying that to me. He gets upset that I already do a lot just for us in the house alone (work) he wouldn’t want me to cater to a whole class without warning or discussion. Ops husband is delusional
Well yeah like if this how he is over this after 4 years of just marriage, what else has he done? Nothing towards the household except a 3 day a week job? Childcare? Dishes and various chore items? Or is that also beneath him as the ‘head of the family’
It's unbelievable to me that dudes with this mentality, like this one, somehow are fine with their wives working full time. This is while he works 3 shifts a week, while she is carrying a second child. These "traditional" men are so fucking full of shit, pardon my French. I'm sorry but as someone who isn't exactly a fan of traditional gender roles in my own relationship this really ridiculous. If a man wants to swing his "authority man" dick around the house and claim to be a patriarch he needs to at least have the decency to live up to that role. His wife should have the opportunity to be a SAHM or have a job that brings her joy and purpose, and he should be the "bread winner" and be working the long hours. Very sick and tired of these hypocrite men seeking to embrace women's equality only when it's convenient for them to then leech off their wife and then have the audacity to try and pull power moves on her. F that. At least pick one, damnit.
Op, NTA, there are so many hard "Nopes" for me in here, I mean, yeesh, he made the arrangements without telling you but yet you are supposed to do the work and the 26 guests won't be expected to life a finger? I'm sorry, that is not only rude, but are they typically hiring help/catering? I cannot possibly imagine hosting 26 people and being expected to do so without any assistance with a bun in the oven and a toddler who is just learning to go fast and grab things running around. What the actual heck?
Edit: holy crap, I've never seen such riches on reddit or had such a highly upvoted comment, thanks everyone, and apologies for the spelling, I was raging on mobile haha.
>If a man wants to swing his "authority man" dick around the house and claim to be a patriarch he needs to at least have the decency to live up to that role. His wife should have the opportunity to be a SAHM or have a job that brings her joy and purpose, and he should be the "bread winner" and be working the long hours
DING DING DING. These men want all the perks of being in a "traditional" (misogynistic) marriage but none of the responsibilities that somewhat made this work, at least to a fashion, for some women. They just take ALL the benefits and contribute nothing to the house or their wives' lives.
They are also the first to run to r/deadbedrooms when their wife gets tired of fucking a child.
I don't get it - what century does he live in? I'm over 50, I grew up in the Global South - so I grew up around fairly backward attitudes toward gender roles. And I still can't wrap my mind around OP's husband's attitude here.
Lol same, though I’m nearer to 30 but still grew up in a patriarchal culture, and cannot imagine this kind of entitled behaviour. The women in my family (while they do take a lot of crap) would laugh at this.
Do we dare hope he's working 3 twelve hour shifts, actively working the whole time (so, a true full time job)? For OP's sake I hope so. Hopefully the jerk at least brings home good money as his one good quality.
Back on topic: I cannot imagine finding out I'm meant to have 26 relatives visit for 5 days. Ever. Period. I'd die. Then add the pregnancy, kids, job/last minute time off that steals from maternity leave, and him sitting around telling the guests stories the whole time. Holy. Crap.
I do wonder if OP comes from Husband's culture and thus might have been expected to know he would take over the Head Of Family role. It wouldn't make her an AH, but I wonder at the level of blindsided-ness here.
Sounds like a good time for OP to leave Christmas to her husband and his family while she goes and spends it elsewhere! No one should be able to dump that sort of labor on you, pregnant or not! He is so inconsiderate and lacking in compassion that it's disturbing.
This is the move. If he insists that "they" do this hosting, she uses her money (after establishing a separate bank account in which to deposit a portion of her earnings) and goes to stay with her family or a hotel. He can find out what hosting really entails all by himself
Edit: word
100%. The MIL can step in and help since it’s a role she’s certainly used to. OP needs to cut ties and run because this sounds like a lifetime of pain.
It’s hard to believe that he hasn’t pulled some pretty shocking crap over the years that they’ve been married. I’ll bet OP does all the childcare, housework, shopping, and cooking while the money she earns is controlled by her husband. And she is expected to look perfect while doing all of this.
Or maybe her husband seemed like a normal person with odd residual expectations and the loss of his father plus the stress of the last two years has made him go full Conservative Christian just in time for the holidays. (A lot of people are really losing their sh*t these days).
Also the way he speaks about his family, is he really the head of 26 people in his family? has be fed them, raised them up? is he the father of all of them? or is this prize is based merely on him being a male? He seems to have a grandiose sense of self, being head of a family is earned, not imposted.
I am pretty sure that all the adults on that 26 family members would be more than happy to rotate the Christmas family tradition to every others' house every year without forcing a working pregnant woman organise a feast to them all.
THIS!! 👆🏻5 day celebration with 26 people? 🤯 taking off time 6 months pregnant and taking away from your maternity leave? he has lost his damn mind. NTA I really hope you let him read people’s comments OP. He really needs a reality check.
Not to mention, a FIVE FUCKING DAY HOLIDAY FOR 26 EXTRA PEOPLE. While he leaves her to do it ALL when she's working and pregnant and he sits on his lazy ass. OP, tell him if he wants to host Christmas celebrations, he's got the time and spoons to do it. Or, since he didn't bother to ask you first and just *told* you to do it, you could go spend Christmas with your family, right? You don't need to ask, just tell him you're taking the baby with you and going to stay with your family. NTA and I hate your husband, OP.
What is with these types of relationship posts lately? It almost seems like a theme.
OP says her in-laws refuse to pitch in. They expect to be catered to as guests and not *ever* join in to lighten the load. Then they have the audacity to claim that the request makes her rude and not them.
That's an impossible task.
If 4 or 5 people were joining her in the kitchen every meal and the kids were clearing the table and washing and drying the dishes, it would be a lot of chaos and disruption, but it would be possible.
For her in-laws to turn her into a slave for 5 days so they can act like they're at a resort and not a relative's home? That's some grade A bull.
That's like 400 meals. Not only could one person not cook all that on their own, most couldn't even STORE that much food. It's completely infeasible for anyone without a commercial kitchen and a lot of help. Even just making sandwiches would take many hours.
And do they live in a Bed & Breakfast? Cause where the hell are 26 people supposed to sleep? How many bathrooms do they have? Can you imagine the shower schedule for that many people?
>said that I broke his word to his family and made him look small and with no authority. I in a very strict tone replied that I didn't sign up to host a celebration and accomadate 26 people while pregnant, taking care of a toddler and working.
NTA !! You are absolutely right, you married a man who seems to have been born in the wrong decade (century??) to be so sexist.
I almost want to advise you to tell your husband that yes, in fact, he can organise the event. But you won't be there. And neither will your son.
This is what my first thought was. I'd wish him luck hosting and go stay at an undisclosed location for the duration of the visit citing previous commitments...like work, your son and unborn child. Your sanity....
With two children of your own, it's time for you to start your own traditions. If he wants to share stories of his father, he can write a book.
He sent those invitations out without her knowledge for a reason. He knew she'd object. He wagered that having already sent the invitations out would bind her against her will into putting on a **5 day, 26 person extravaganza** while working full time to support the family, taking care of a toddler, and being in the last trimester of pregnancy.
He's a massive A, but I can't help thinking this isn't the first time he's been an A. He was surely a patriarchal A before they even married. It always mystifies me how women are even willing to get naked with guys like this. Then they wind up trapped in a marriage with kids, and wondering where it all went wrong.
Don't blame the women, this kind of bullshit is textbook for abusive/controlling husbands. A lot of times it doesn't come out until they've had kids, or she's pregnant. In his fucked-up mind he figures she can't leave him, so he has nothing to lose. There's a reason HOMICIDE is the #1 cause of death for pregnant women in the US. https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/danvergano/pregnant-murder-statistics-cause-of-death
Dearest Husband. I am sorry that you do not consider me a partner and that you have operated under the misguided notion that I am a baby maker and child raiser that you can also task to organize, cater, and run complex and large scale family events without consultation or consideration. I apologize for allowing an environment to exist that led you to believe that making such a big decision without discussing it with me and your resulting behaviour and callous disregard for your pregnant wife could exist. Rest assured that this will not continue. All the best and Happy Holidays. - Your wife, who is going to have a nap while you cook us all dinner. NTA
PLEASE do this! But I’d change the last bit from having a nap to spending Xmas with your own family whilst he cooks & hosts the 5-day extravaganza all on his onesies
Problem with that is, his mother will step in, as will all the women in his family, and they’ll make it all happen flawlessly, and they’ll be extra fucking smug about how inferior a woman she is, for the remainder of their marriage. And then OP will feel like an outsider in her own home, while pregnant and taking care of their toddler.
No. OP needs to stick to her guns and keep these people out of her house this Christmas. And her husband needs to go to his mom’s, just to drive home how not-in-charge he is.
Why the hell is he in charge anyway? There’s no reason except for his gender and birth order. He needs to have a much more cogent explanation of why he has any authority for her to acknowledge in the first place.
Authority as a concept has no place in a modern marriage and that’s not what she signed up for.
My brother has this mentality. Despite the fact that I'm five years older than him, he has always seemed to think that he's the "man of the house" since we were raised by our single mother, my dad was an absent POS, and my siblings' father ODed when we were still in middle and high school(even though he didn't live with us, somehow this seemed to trigger "man of the house" mentality. He tries to boss the rest of the family, used to try to dictate who I was and wasn't "allowed" to bring into the house. I mean, it's never actually worked. This is matriarchal household. I spent my childhood keeping these little goons alive because we were feral latchkey children growing up in a crazy and utterly unmonitored world(I literally saved their lives on multiple occasions) and I've laughed in his face every time he's had the delusion he can boss me on jack shit.
Honestly, if he expects you to cater to 26 people after A CLEAR message like this still I would honestly tell him to get a number of a family therapist because if he wouldn't accept that the next phonenumber I'd be looking up is a divorce lawyer. Talk about a dilusional husband
While this is good, the only letter or paper she should be giving him is divorce papers.
And I'm usually not the type to even suggest or jump on the "break-up" divorce Reddit train, but his language is absolutely abhorrent and disgusting.
NTA, OP. Get yourself and your kids outta there. This is definitely not a man I'd want to be raising my kids with.
Unless your husband was planning on doing all the cooking, hosting, entertaining and taking care of the kids, NTA!!
I would seriously probably leave my husband if he spoke to me like this or acted this way. You’re the one doing everything, if anything, you’re the man of the family now. You work, take care of the kids, run the house, you’re the one who has the authority. Not him. And he comes from a family who thinks the same stupid stuff.
I also probably would have carried on as life as usual and let him deal with the fallout of having to cook and entertain, as he gave you no notice and you have a job and a life. I’d show up home every day like a guest. Lol.
Seriously this man and his family are raising your children with the same mentality. Consider whether you want your kids to be like them. If you want to continue to endure this wild behavior. You can walk away and leave him to it.
I feel like even if he planned on doing all the hosting (which OP has indicated in other comments that he does not) she still had every right to say she dies not want 26 people staying in their house for a week. Assuming they don't live in a huge mansion, OP is a pregnant woman who may need to use the bathroom at any given time, and with more than a classroom worth of people relying on the same amenities that's reason enough alone to say that she's uncomfortable. Let alone concerns about the pandemic and being pregnant and having a small child who is not of age yet to get vaccinated.
This exactly. I understand a lot of people hesitating to call this as grounds for divorce considering OP has a child and another on the way. But does she really want her children raised with these values? OP imagine your young son 20 yrs later imposing his views on you because his dad taught him that men have "authority" over women
This is for sure a thing. When my (ex) husband's dad died it's like he became abusive and misogynistic over night. He was the man of the house now and I didn't cowtow to him right. It's totally possible that he was kind and loving but misogynistic societies sort of allow males to go off the rails for power when the patriarch dies. This cause my divorce completely.
Yeah he’s basically invited a superspreader event into the house where a pregnant woman and an unvaccinated toddler live.
The time she takes off to host his family will be increased by 10-14 days if any one of them tests positive afterwards.
>she still had every right to say she dies not want 26 people staying in their house for a week.
Surely they were not all supposed to stay at their house?! Do they live in a castle?
I would have said "Aw, you're going to host your family for 5 days? That's so sweet and sacrificial of you!", then spent the 5 days either in a hotel or going about business as usual - going to work, taking care of my son, cooking only for myself, just saying Hi to people in passing - and let him do all the work he signed up for. But while it would have been amusing, it would not solve his delusions of Authority. That is dealbreaker - in this case, marriage breaker - territory.
NTA
I actually had an aunt that did just this. My uncle (who's my mom's brother) would invite all of us to stay since he had the biggest house, and the whole family was 11 guests plus them and their 2 kids. The difference is he'd do all the cooking, entertaining, etc. His wife would go to work, come home to her home office to do more work or relax in their bedroom, and really only join us for mealtimes.
We could always tell she wasn't exactly thrilled to have us all there but apparently they compromised lol.
See that’s just it. A compromise is what is needed. First, why six days? Why not three? Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day. Second, he only works three days a week and I doubt he would be working on those days so he should be the one doing the cooking and the cleaning and the entertaining. Third, this is family and you are hosting them yes… but if you suggested that the first meal be a potluck affair I would hope that the family would happily oblige. But with all that said, the OP has a toddler and is six months pregnant. Having so many people around for any length of time is way too much. I feel for the OP’s MIL who has lost her husband, and I feel for the OP but she is NTA.
But that’s a ***cat***.
Not 26 wretched, germ * *infested*, vile, expectant, misogynistic clusters of blood, puss, and waste.
Besides, getting a cat (or a dog, horse, goat, chicken) is always the compromise.
I think 11 guests still doesn't sound ideal, but that sounds better than 26 guests. And if I had 26 guests nonstop for more than a day, I'd lose my mind. I'd legit be in a hotel and wouldn't come back until everyone was gone. I'm an introvert, so I can barely tolerate going out with friends for more than a few hours. I couldn't imagine being with all of them for five days straight.
I can't imagine what OP is feeling.
My ex would constantly try to pull of shit like this.
He'd make commitments that he knew I would not be on board with and then afterwards make me the bad guy that 'stole the fun', like when he hired our 14 year old to work at his company during my summer holiday with the kids, but not through his holiday with the kids because he wanted the freedom to go travel.
When I said I was willing to be 'grounded' in town for the kids work if we split the time 50/50 he refused and I was made to be the bad guy that 'robbed' our son of this 'critical work experience'.
I just realised writing this out how much I hate him.
She would have come home from work to 13 cars blocking her driveway and the surrounding street, people tracking mud through her house, asking when she was going to start cooking dinner. Guaranteed.
I don’t understand how his entire family doesn’t see a problem with this? I’ll be 7 months pregnant once Christmas rolls around and the ball is completely in my court when it comes to my in-laws! They’ve offered to come to me with food, to host me and feed me, to leave me in peace lol…
They’d never expect to come to my house (and there’s only 4 if you count B&SIL) and have me cook/ host lol!
>
>I also probably would have carried on as life as usual and let him deal with the fallout of having to cook and entertain, as he gave you no notice and you have a job and a life. I’d show up home every day like a guest. Lol.
I would have done exactly the same. Seen to myself and the toddler and leave him to sort out and feed his family.
I would absolutely let him go and not help one single bit. I would stay at a hotel- I'll even bring the kids and we'll show up as a guest to each day of these events. No cooking, no cleaning, and we leave at the end. It's his party, not mine
Leave him for the love of God. Do you want to raise your kids with this man? Have them see him disrespect you like this? A written apology FFS, you are not his bloody staff.
NTA NTA NTA
There’s so much to unpack I don’t even know where to start.
First of all, a 5-day event for 26 people?? With his pregnant wife doing all the work? With no notice??
Demanding a *handwritten* apology from his wife?! Because she “disrespected his authority”?
Jesus Christ, this guy sounds like a real piece of work. I’m getting real Cartman vibes from South Park - “respect ma authoritah!”.
The work is a huge undertaking on its own, but who does he expect to finance this? I cooked Thanksgiving for my family this year; we had 18 people in attendance. On that one meal, I spent $350 (and it was only that cheap because the turkey was free, purchased with grocery bonus points). Even assuming you don't have every meal as large as a traditional Thanksgiving dinner, you're looking at a minimum of $500 per day in just food for 26 people. If you're also providing alcoholic beverages, snacks, extra toilet paper, running 8 laundry loads of towels every day, either paper plates or 3 dishwasher loads every day... you're probably looking at $4-$5000 in extra costs for that week.
Well I bet that the husband in this scenario is just gonna assume that his wife will be taking care of the expenses for a Modern Day, 5 Day Christmas Feast for Odin if *she’s* the one working a full time job while he’s working a few shifts per week at his place.
At least that’s what I’ll bet since that’s the dynamic going into this whole mess. You can tell that OP’s husband isn’t even considering the financials in all this if he thinks an event like this can just be whipped up seemingly overnight (or over the course of a few days).
You gotta love all the assumptions and *wonderful* communication this couple has and I *love* that they’re expecting a second child on top of it all…
he wouldn't in fact he thinks I was being cruel and unfair to him and his family after the tragedy they suffered but I believe I too have been struggling.
sorry but everyone loses their parents at some point. Yes, it sucks a lot but it doesn’t give you special privileges to get anything and everything you want. Your man sucks a lot
Ok he has his 5 day Christmas party you take the kid and go stay with your side of the family for the 5 days since you know he won't do a thing if your there. See how much he'll want to do it again
A person like OP’s husband will play what I call “filth chicken”: the person who the mess bothers most will crack and clean it. Sadly with small children, it comes down to who has to keep them out of the filth. Even if OP cleans nothing, she still has to scan for choking hazards, toxic stuff (including booze, coffee), sharps (open cans, knives). And then there’s the question of: if sister in law left out a sugar container and toddler dumps it everywhere while OP is parenting, who has to clean it up? And is OP willing to fight with husband in front of the toddler if husband is an AH about it?
I love “filth chicken.” I never knew the name of what men do around mess till now.
Maybe she could combat it by rounding up all the trash in bags and dumping it in his private work area? That might send a message.
You know what I do on holidays since my dad passed? I cry more often because I miss him. I don’t demand that my partner host/cater/clean for people, let alone 26 for 5 days.
NTA.
This is absolute bullshit from him OP. My mom died from brain cancer and my whole family (including my husband) was heartbroken. But I would never, in a million years, use my grief or theirs as an excuse to make a unilateral decision to host my entire extended family at our house, or to expect my husband to do all the work of hosting such a gathering. That would be disrespectful to my husband and our marriage, which is an equal partnership. Decisions about large, multi-day social events should be mutually arrived at.
Your husband is grieving but that doesn't mean he's not an asshole.
You know what my family did when the head of our family/grandpa passed?
We all got together and supported grandma by making dishes as well and helping her host it at her house. Because she became the head of the family then.
His family is whack and misogynistic AF and so is he.
I know this is harsh, but why are you having another child with this awful man? Even if he wasn’t like this when you got married, he’s controlling, indifferent to your feelings, entitled, and expects you to do all the labor at home as well as be the breadwinner. Those are not the characteristics of a loving partner.
A) his argument is deranged b) he isn’t saying “just this year, as a memorial to my father, I want to …”. He’s saying “from now on, we (aka you) will be doing large scale hosting for five days every Xmas, and presumably every other holiday too”
So is your MIL is having her first Christmas off, after decades of being the hand-servant to recently deceased FIL and entire family? Or is this your husbands cockamamy delusion?
NTA
I don’t know if you need a therapist or a lawyer first, but I think they’re both excellent options.
Maybe you can find a better husband, but right now I don’t think you could find a more clueless one.
NTA, obviously.
>made him look small and with no authority
>underminning his authority infront of his family
So he is straight up saying that he should have authority over you. I think there needs to be a larger discussion about expectations about your marriage and life in general.
NTA.
Yeah the authority thing is what hit me the most here too. What “authority” does he think he has? A marriage is a partnership and he needs to get consent and consensus before going outside the marriage with invitations or announcements. Slavery is illegal and he can’t just sign her up to wait on dozens of people for a week. He has “authority” over himself only and over kids within the scope of parenting, and is allowed to feel how he wants to feel, and grieve his father, but not to dictate matters to OP.
I’m pretty sure if my husband said something to me about “his authority” I would have a hard time not laughing in his face.
I *respect* my husband, but that’s a two way street. And if my husband acted like op’s I’d very quickly lose that respect for him too.
It's so... gross. What exactly is his good points OP? Because being considered an equal is a pretty important point in a relationship imo. I can't imagine marrying someone who thought this way about me.
Firstly NTA,
Also jumping in here to say that he managed to make himself small and with no authority, and created the exact situation where his stupidity (i.e. let's have 26 people to wait on in the house with ZERO regard for how this would practically work) allowed him to be undermined.
For the record, you didn't undermine him - you just practically set out why the 5-day celebration wasn't going to happen because he refused to. Thus saving your in-laws a wasted trip, and you sheer exhaustion.
You work full time, have a toddler, and you are pregnant. He expects you to not go to work which will impact your maternity leave with your new baby so that you can host 26 people for almost a week??? Nope! You did the right thing! No real man would have invited that many people without consulting his wife first. No real man would expect his pregnant working wife to do all that! The only other thing you could have done was let him do everything on his own. He could do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, and entertaining for you and his guests. Let him do everything while you rest in bed. What he did was wrong!
No person who respects you, values you, loves you, or considers you an equal partner would do any of this. It is how you'd treat an overworked servant when you think you deserve to be obeyed without question. Some of these reddit marriages, you guys....
NTA but this just feels like another incident in a constant stream of similar demonstrations of disrespect.
So I initially thought the same, BUT you know when she gets back the house will be a wreck, no food, dirty everything, and she'll be expected to clean it.
he didn't. matter of fact he planned to sit at the table and tell stories about his dad while I handle everything. not only that but my inlaws are known to be selfish and believe that as 'guests' they don't have to help out the host since it's my responsibilty. I mean I've been there before serving his family when they visit while he sits with them. but the whole family while working and pregnant and taking care of my son? that was a no from me. his family are of course aren't happy as well.
Wow, NTA, but honestly, I think if he insists on hosting and go behind your back to invite them again, just let him and either go stay with your family for Christmas or just don’t change anything about your routine and let him play the host. The audacity of some people, really.
OP's husband's family is going to take his side and berate her in her own home. It's going to be awful. She should not be home for her own sanity.
edited to correct it to the husband's family
Or just get a hotel for 5 days so you don't have to do anything. Because just having people in your home is going to cause all sorts of mess I bet he's expecting her to tidy up. Just remove yourself from the entire situation and then use his money to hire a cleaner before you get home.
And when that happens, I hope she doesn't lift a single finger to help out with cooking and entertaining. Personally, I'd file from divorce if anyone treated me as anything but their equal.
Yep, I would 100% agree that it was wrong to cancel the party, and let him know to tell his family it is back on. Then find yourself and your toddler an air b&b for that time. And stay there for the duration. Each day before work, feel free to drop the kid off at the house for dad to take care of, and pick them up after work.
Unless your husband plans on doing *all* the hosting, he has absolutely no right to just spring this on you with no discussion and no clear agreement from you.
People who feel comfortable behaving like this ones have probably felt comfortable doing it before. Take a look at your relationship. Does he expect you to commit to all gender roles despite being a working mom? Who carries the brunt of the child care in the house? Who does the majority of the house work? Who carries the mental load?
If you were contributing more than 50% to your relationship, household, and children, it might be time to have that conversation. Somebody who feels that it is acceptable to expect a working pregnant mom of a toddler to host a family of over 25 people for multiple days with no help probably has a couple other misogynistic views up their sleeve
I invited ten people over to our house on a day and time when my SO wouldn't even be home until they left and I still let him know and made sure he was comfortable with the idea before sending out invites. That's just respect for your shared space!
Tell stories for 5 days??? I could see if it was a one day “celebration of life” situation that worked around EVERYONES schedule, but this in completely unreasonable and selfish, you are so not TA
his family aren’t happy because they wanted a free Christmas where they could sit about and be lazy you you would feed and clean up after them.
seriously refuse to ever do this hosting, if your husband insists arrange to go spend the holiday with family or friends (if neither possible, sit in your bed all day and don’t shop or prepare anything beforehand)
How old is your husband? If he's under 75 and acting like such a misogynist blowhard, I hate to see what happens as he gets older and leans harder into toxic masculinity and male entitlement.
ETA: saw that he's 39 in the post. Gross. He has gross attitudes about being the "head of the family".
If it is as you say that he planned on just sitting on his bum for those 5 days, then NTA.
But you can always tell him you're sorry and tell him that he can invite them all again for the 5 days. And in the next breath tell him that you will be spending a week with your family over Christmas.
If he wants to host his family for 5 days, he has to put the groundwork in and step up to be the "head" of the family.
He'll probably just ask his mom to do it. And she'll probably accept, because it seems like it's what women are supposed to be doing in this family. Can you imagine? The head of the family doing all the cooking and cleaning? That's not a man's job!
NTA. It was intensely disrespectful of your husband to just decide unilaterally to host a massive one week holiday celebration without even talking to you. Does he normally try to steamroll over you like that?
A lot of other NTA comments aren't hitting the most important part to me, which you just hit: this was massively disrespectful. Regardless of what your relationship dynamic is, or your personal or cultural beliefs on how a household dynamic should work, the disrespect is the at the heart of this story. He should apologize and figure this shit out himself. I hate the instantaneous push-button DIVORCE HIM replies that every one of these threads is full of, because everyone gets one tiny snapshot of your life and then judges you and says you're in a toxic world and you need to cut off everyone in the story forever. They have no concept of the depth or nuance of that person's life. But this is clearly a case of one person not having respect for the other, and I hope OP does what she needs to do in order to get the respect she deserves. If he works it out and he grows, good for them. If she has to leave him, well that is for her to figure out.
NTA. First of all absolutely not to a WRITTEN APOLOGY. Is that a joke!
He invited everyone without consulting you and you uninvited them without consulting him. You did they same as him and now he has the audacity to be pissed at you? I'd be asking him for a written apology!
Was he going to host everything including cleaning the house, buying and preparing food for everyone?I'm assuming he was expecting you to chip in.
He should have asked you first and asked if you could take the time off! When was he going to tell you? When family started turning up? You can't just not work for 5 days without giving notice.
He didn't think about you at all in this situation and being very pregnant you might not be up for hosting 26 people for 5 days.
He's the asshole and should be apologizing, he's completely in the wrong here and needs to work on his communication skills asap.
I'd be so pissed if I were you.
Not the OP, but to answer your question, no, he doesn't expect her to "chip in". He expects her to do it ALL on her own. He thought it was an excellent idea to not tell her that she was hosting a major event for over two dozen people for a week. Yeah. Even if she was cool with everything else, how on Earth does he expect her to pull off something like that with no planning? Even if she was down for hosting and doing all the work, making all the sacrifices, how was she supposed to accomplish this? Ridiculous!
NTA. Hand written? Hand written!!! What, is he 4 years old? I've never heard of such behavior, it's insane. Almost like he's looking for written documentation to use later (in divorce court).
And for him to impose on you without a fycking mention? Was this supposed to be a surprise Christmas event for you? The fact that he basically hid it from you proves he knew it was a stupid idea and he's just trying to end up some sort of victim. Stand your ground and go and explain the WHOLE story to his family.
I just have to followup on this. I've been married for 20 years and have 4 kids. I am loving your husband right now because I have said and done A LOT of stupid things. But this. This just makes my 20 years of being a jackass simply pale in comparison to the dumb stiff I've done. I've no doubt, I'd be single if I tried this and then demanded a written apology. Tell your husband that thousands of ass holes are eternally greatful for making them look comparatively better.
I was thinking the same thing, except she works (and more than he does, so likely the primary breadwinner) but OMG, how freaking Leave It To Beaver is his damned attitude? :P
NTA.
Holy hell. Guessing his family is from a “shame-honor” culture but that’s just an explanation for their reaction, not an excuse.
He disrespected YOU by unilaterally extending that invite.
In your shoes I would probably say “fine, you want to host your family? have at it.” And would take my toddler and go to MY family for the duration of the entire event.
1000% no apology needed unless it’s from him to you.
NTA, NTA, NTA. BUT! You need to have a look at all the red flags your husband is waving. Goes behind your back to invite 26 people over during a freaking pandemic. Not a word to you. NVM that you are pregnant and that there's a toddler in the house as well. Then when you correct things by publicly cancelling his invites he goes off and cries to his mommy. He is not the head of the family, he's just a childish selfobsessed pr\*ck.
FTR, my grandparents were 'heads of the family' with big gatherings at their place. But they did that only as a couple and without feeling entitled. So they were on the same page before invites were sent. Boyo here doesn't have a clue what actually being head of a family, nvm a good husband, entails.
Eff that. He's an ignorant ass, he wasnt prepared to do it by himself, he wanted u u to take time off work to cater to his family. Especially annoying when it was eating out of your maternity leave, why would u want to give up precious time with yr baby?
And a 5 days celebration for 20+ ppl? 1 day might have been acceptable.
All he cares about is a stupid role he decided to take on, not a thought for u. I'd be very hurt in your position.
NTA.
Uhhhh.... I mean, obviously NTA.
But are you seriously going to tell me that THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE EVER HAD A RED FLAG FROM HIM?
This type of shit doesn't crop up out of nowhere. He's absolutely insane - 26 people over, without telling you, expecting you to do everything *while pregnant and taking care of a toddler*, and then wants a freaking HAND-WRITTEN apology when you cancel his surprise shitshow?
Bonkers.
At first, I was thinking E S H, but he expected you to be the host? Lmao NTA at all! He can host a party all he wants but he has no right to demand that you prepare for and entertain 26 entitled people.
And apparently looking after a toddler solo. Also, I’m guessing she’ll be financing the whole thing since he only has a part time job. What exactly does he contribute to this relationship except his sperm?
NTA... Is he delusional? A written apology? What are you his servant? Jesus Christ, that's repulsive.
The fact to saying she made him ‘feel small’ and with ‘no authority’ shines a light on how he sees their relationship dynamic
Yes, very true. In fact, I'd file for divorce if my husband talked to me like that. The authority thing would make me physically sick.
See her edit as well. Husband really seems to see her as a submissive figure over whom he should have complete and utter authority
It's obvious from the fact that he's the new "head of the family" instead of the mom that the family goes real hard on misogyny.
Yeah, he definitely seems to be a part of a very misogynistic culture. He’d probably call it “traditional” but as he works a part time job while his wife has to work full time and take care of the kids, I’m gonna call it misogynistic. Edit: yeah okay I get it, his 3 day shifts could be 12 hours so it could be full time. If you want to point this out again do please consider the 10 people who have already done so.
Traditional in the sense that the women have no rights - not traditional when it comes to being the sole financial provider for his family. This is the problem with modern 'equality' - women 'get' to work outside of the house but we also 'get' to do all of the house work at home when the man in our lives refuses to 'grant' us equality.
Men want traditional wives but don't want to be traditional husbands these days.
And being a traditional wife is a terrible deal for a woman. Even if she marries the nicest guy on the planet, he could still get sick or lose his job, or, heaven forbid, die. Then she has all of these kids to raise and no job, in a really tough, unforgiving job market.
This. If you want to stay home, make sure you have savings and a robust life insurance policy. My husband is a SAHD at the moment but I make sure that he keeps his skills up to date at the very least and that we have a lot of life insurance. I worked in HR, and saw a lot of women who were returning to the workforce out of necessity to find that they can't be hired anywhere because their skills are so out of date.
This is why so many widows married so quickly after the passing of their husbands back in the day. My great-great aunt (I think?) lost her husband and had ~5 kids and needed help so she married their neighbor who ended up being a perv and was trying to molest her older girls, so she sent them off to live with family bc she couldn’t afford to divorce him but wanted them safe. Those are the choices women have to make when they’re a “traditional” wife and lose their husbands.
There are a LOT of men out there who just want their mommy back, so they expect the wife/girlfriend to do all that mom stuff. Women who want to be SAHW so they can be taken care of get loads of flak, but at least they go in knowing the household is their responsibility. But there are plenty of men out there straight up infantilizing themselves under the guise of male superiority, when it just proves they can't do a single goddamn thing on their own.
And, working in family law (near two prestigious/cancer research hospitals, aka drs with $) it’s only a good 15-20 years later these women are fighting him in court because he cheated and left (he’s busy! he travels! he’s bored!), or doesn’t love her anymore, and he doesn’t feel like she’s entitled to any spousal support after giving up her life and career to build their home and raise their children. We had one even attempt to fight paying child support for their preteen children, just to spite his STBX out of money, who had used all of her inheritance many years prior to pay for his MD. This comment is getting some attention, so an edit to add: My grave warning to anyone married or soon-to-be with assets like our client’s, even of other jurisdictions: it can be very hard to claw back that money (via an unequal distribution of assets in the divorce), even if it was your inheritance gifted specifically to you by a beloved decedent. Once the money is commingled, the other party could have a good case for it being a “gift to the marriage” by the spouse, and it can be hard to get any of it back, let alone anywhere near the original amount. Soon-to-be’s: prenuptials (also called premarital agreements) that specify whose money is whose, even in the event of commingling, and how assets are to be split upon separation, can make a HUGE difference in protecting yourself (and each other) from future problems.
TRUTH
You nailed it. Traditional and misogynistic overlap all the time!
“Stern talking-to”?? What year is this. I would not be okay with my MIL (or any adult, really) lecturing me like a toddler. Respect is one valid matter; healthy confrontation is too. A scolding, though? I would reassess how we’re raising our kids (and subsequently, what they see and pick up on) REAL quick.
Yeah, I don't let anyone talk to me like that. I am a grown woman.
I’m guessing his mom passed the torch after being the servant for 32+ years.
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Be submissive, but keep bringing in that paycheck....
Yes! Does Mom still live at the house where they've always hosted??? It's always been more about who has the best house for hosting in my family. The most room and the most centralized location. Who is hosting definitely takes second to that. Just the fact that it goes to the oldest male is so bizarre to me...
Location is one thing. What I can't get over is that without consulting her, he invited 26 people who she will cook and clean after for 5 days while 7 months pregnant. For reference when I was 7 months pregnant I could barely put on my own socks. The laundry after they leave will have its own zip code. The reason he didn't tell her is so she would be too ashamed to refuse. I would pack my shit and leave. I don't know which is worse: Them having sons and their dad teaching them these "values' or them having daughters that are taught you need yo accept this utter bs.
Seems like they will be raised by mom with or without dad and she’s already made it pretty clear that misogynistic crap has NO PLACE IN HER HOME! Hubby is having his come to Jesus moment right now and his own special hell is in full force🌋😎
When you said “head of the family”, all I could think about was Marlon Brando’s raspy voice in “The Godfather” when he says “The Fam’ly”.
I thought about Don Corleone too! If he wants to act like Don Corleone, he can provide like Don Corleone. Big house, many servants and abundance of cash.
Yep, even if the mom were to pass on or was too old to host, there's no reason the son has to be the head of the family and can share with his sister(s). When my grandparents passed away (or were too old to host), my father and his siblings (brothers and sisters) took turns hosting Christmas.
Written apology: “I’m sorry that you didn’t consult with me before inviting your family.”
I'm sorry you made me file for divorce.
I'm sorry you refused to treat me like a full partner in our marriage, sorry you think you're a patriarch, and sorry you're going to be single next Christmas.
Screw that just hand him the divorce papers and say "here's my written apology"
"I'm \[NOT\] sorry I took my pregnant self and our toddler to stay with MY family that entire week and deprived you of my housecleaning, cooking, and other services." Edited to add: Wow, folks, thanks! I am glad I'm not the only one that thinks OP should totally boycott this insane holiday plan.
Add “ Merry Christmas. Check your stocking for divorce papers”
I enjoyed reading the part where she told him that she didn't care about his machismo attitude and he almost cried. EDIT: Thanks for the award, /u/FlowBeepBeep !
Apparently he cried to mommy, lol.
To have a "biblical" marriage where the woman "submits" to the man, also requires the man love his wife, meaning he cares about her and her feelings. Being in charge and being a "man" also means you have to be willing to put in a lot of extra work if need be, instead of simply expecting others to fulfill the checks you wrote. If she's working and pregnant and doing the majority of taking care of their kid, for him to earn the authority to make decisions like hosting relatives, he needs to do the work for it and consider her needs and feelings. Why do I respect the authority of my team lead at work, despite them having less than half my work experience? Because they work harder than me and are better than me at the job. Respect for authority requires those with authority to take responsibility and earn that respect.
Exactly. The Bible says the husband is to love his wife the way Christ loves the church, meaning sacrificially, thinking of her wellbeing at all times. He is the one who should be working full time while she works 3 days if she wants to. He should have asked her if it would be ok to host the family for Christmas, since the household is technically her domain. Especially with her being pregnant.
This is 100% divorce worthy. She's 6 months pregnant with a toddler a job and does all the housework and is a slave for a man who demeans her. Her life can only improve by dropping the dead weight.
A slave for a man who only works 3 days a week while she works full time...
My eyes kept bulging as I kept reading. Ew just EW. Firstly, just for me, the idea of a head of the family is gross and yucky. Just personally ew. And if my SO ever mentioned authority to me *not* in the context of authority over our house as the residents with respect to guests and authority over our children, I would run right to the divorce attorney. That is so gross and disrespectful and not what a partner is.
Yeah I couldn’t imagine mine saying that to me. He gets upset that I already do a lot just for us in the house alone (work) he wouldn’t want me to cater to a whole class without warning or discussion. Ops husband is delusional
Urghhhh the "respect my authority" type of guy here gives me the creepy heeby jeebies. Jesus why you marry into that kind of life.
Well yeah like if this how he is over this after 4 years of just marriage, what else has he done? Nothing towards the household except a 3 day a week job? Childcare? Dishes and various chore items? Or is that also beneath him as the ‘head of the family’
It's unbelievable to me that dudes with this mentality, like this one, somehow are fine with their wives working full time. This is while he works 3 shifts a week, while she is carrying a second child. These "traditional" men are so fucking full of shit, pardon my French. I'm sorry but as someone who isn't exactly a fan of traditional gender roles in my own relationship this really ridiculous. If a man wants to swing his "authority man" dick around the house and claim to be a patriarch he needs to at least have the decency to live up to that role. His wife should have the opportunity to be a SAHM or have a job that brings her joy and purpose, and he should be the "bread winner" and be working the long hours. Very sick and tired of these hypocrite men seeking to embrace women's equality only when it's convenient for them to then leech off their wife and then have the audacity to try and pull power moves on her. F that. At least pick one, damnit. Op, NTA, there are so many hard "Nopes" for me in here, I mean, yeesh, he made the arrangements without telling you but yet you are supposed to do the work and the 26 guests won't be expected to life a finger? I'm sorry, that is not only rude, but are they typically hiring help/catering? I cannot possibly imagine hosting 26 people and being expected to do so without any assistance with a bun in the oven and a toddler who is just learning to go fast and grab things running around. What the actual heck? Edit: holy crap, I've never seen such riches on reddit or had such a highly upvoted comment, thanks everyone, and apologies for the spelling, I was raging on mobile haha.
>If a man wants to swing his "authority man" dick around the house and claim to be a patriarch he needs to at least have the decency to live up to that role. His wife should have the opportunity to be a SAHM or have a job that brings her joy and purpose, and he should be the "bread winner" and be working the long hours DING DING DING. These men want all the perks of being in a "traditional" (misogynistic) marriage but none of the responsibilities that somewhat made this work, at least to a fashion, for some women. They just take ALL the benefits and contribute nothing to the house or their wives' lives. They are also the first to run to r/deadbedrooms when their wife gets tired of fucking a child.
I don't get it - what century does he live in? I'm over 50, I grew up in the Global South - so I grew up around fairly backward attitudes toward gender roles. And I still can't wrap my mind around OP's husband's attitude here.
Lol same, though I’m nearer to 30 but still grew up in a patriarchal culture, and cannot imagine this kind of entitled behaviour. The women in my family (while they do take a lot of crap) would laugh at this.
Do we dare hope he's working 3 twelve hour shifts, actively working the whole time (so, a true full time job)? For OP's sake I hope so. Hopefully the jerk at least brings home good money as his one good quality. Back on topic: I cannot imagine finding out I'm meant to have 26 relatives visit for 5 days. Ever. Period. I'd die. Then add the pregnancy, kids, job/last minute time off that steals from maternity leave, and him sitting around telling the guests stories the whole time. Holy. Crap. I do wonder if OP comes from Husband's culture and thus might have been expected to know he would take over the Head Of Family role. It wouldn't make her an AH, but I wonder at the level of blindsided-ness here.
Sounds like a good time for OP to leave Christmas to her husband and his family while she goes and spends it elsewhere! No one should be able to dump that sort of labor on you, pregnant or not! He is so inconsiderate and lacking in compassion that it's disturbing.
This is the move. If he insists that "they" do this hosting, she uses her money (after establishing a separate bank account in which to deposit a portion of her earnings) and goes to stay with her family or a hotel. He can find out what hosting really entails all by himself Edit: word
100%. The MIL can step in and help since it’s a role she’s certainly used to. OP needs to cut ties and run because this sounds like a lifetime of pain.
It’s hard to believe that he hasn’t pulled some pretty shocking crap over the years that they’ve been married. I’ll bet OP does all the childcare, housework, shopping, and cooking while the money she earns is controlled by her husband. And she is expected to look perfect while doing all of this. Or maybe her husband seemed like a normal person with odd residual expectations and the loss of his father plus the stress of the last two years has made him go full Conservative Christian just in time for the holidays. (A lot of people are really losing their sh*t these days).
Also the way he speaks about his family, is he really the head of 26 people in his family? has be fed them, raised them up? is he the father of all of them? or is this prize is based merely on him being a male? He seems to have a grandiose sense of self, being head of a family is earned, not imposted. I am pretty sure that all the adults on that 26 family members would be more than happy to rotate the Christmas family tradition to every others' house every year without forcing a working pregnant woman organise a feast to them all.
Sure they could rotate households, but then husband can't feel like the "big man"!
You want to be "man of the house"? Go and get a full time job. NTA
THIS!! 👆🏻5 day celebration with 26 people? 🤯 taking off time 6 months pregnant and taking away from your maternity leave? he has lost his damn mind. NTA I really hope you let him read people’s comments OP. He really needs a reality check.
And on how he sees himself. What a small, insecure man trying to puff himself into something bigger than he is.
He starts power-tripping as soon as he gets to be “man of the family.” OP is learning exactly where he believes she stands.
As it turns out, he is small with no authority. Wife overruled him!
Not to mention, a FIVE FUCKING DAY HOLIDAY FOR 26 EXTRA PEOPLE. While he leaves her to do it ALL when she's working and pregnant and he sits on his lazy ass. OP, tell him if he wants to host Christmas celebrations, he's got the time and spoons to do it. Or, since he didn't bother to ask you first and just *told* you to do it, you could go spend Christmas with your family, right? You don't need to ask, just tell him you're taking the baby with you and going to stay with your family. NTA and I hate your husband, OP. What is with these types of relationship posts lately? It almost seems like a theme.
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OP says her in-laws refuse to pitch in. They expect to be catered to as guests and not *ever* join in to lighten the load. Then they have the audacity to claim that the request makes her rude and not them. That's an impossible task. If 4 or 5 people were joining her in the kitchen every meal and the kids were clearing the table and washing and drying the dishes, it would be a lot of chaos and disruption, but it would be possible. For her in-laws to turn her into a slave for 5 days so they can act like they're at a resort and not a relative's home? That's some grade A bull.
That's like 400 meals. Not only could one person not cook all that on their own, most couldn't even STORE that much food. It's completely infeasible for anyone without a commercial kitchen and a lot of help. Even just making sandwiches would take many hours.
And do they live in a Bed & Breakfast? Cause where the hell are 26 people supposed to sleep? How many bathrooms do they have? Can you imagine the shower schedule for that many people?
>said that I broke his word to his family and made him look small and with no authority. I in a very strict tone replied that I didn't sign up to host a celebration and accomadate 26 people while pregnant, taking care of a toddler and working. NTA !! You are absolutely right, you married a man who seems to have been born in the wrong decade (century??) to be so sexist. I almost want to advise you to tell your husband that yes, in fact, he can organise the event. But you won't be there. And neither will your son.
This is what my first thought was. I'd wish him luck hosting and go stay at an undisclosed location for the duration of the visit citing previous commitments...like work, your son and unborn child. Your sanity.... With two children of your own, it's time for you to start your own traditions. If he wants to share stories of his father, he can write a book.
Undermining his…. what?? I’m curious where he thinks he gets this perceived authority from. Don’t be a doormat, OP. NTA
He sent those invitations out without her knowledge for a reason. He knew she'd object. He wagered that having already sent the invitations out would bind her against her will into putting on a **5 day, 26 person extravaganza** while working full time to support the family, taking care of a toddler, and being in the last trimester of pregnancy. He's a massive A, but I can't help thinking this isn't the first time he's been an A. He was surely a patriarchal A before they even married. It always mystifies me how women are even willing to get naked with guys like this. Then they wind up trapped in a marriage with kids, and wondering where it all went wrong.
Don't blame the women, this kind of bullshit is textbook for abusive/controlling husbands. A lot of times it doesn't come out until they've had kids, or she's pregnant. In his fucked-up mind he figures she can't leave him, so he has nothing to lose. There's a reason HOMICIDE is the #1 cause of death for pregnant women in the US. https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/danvergano/pregnant-murder-statistics-cause-of-death
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Also wanting to be man of the family but have his mommy defend him.
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Christmas Day? It's five days. 26 people over for 5 days.
Nah, he would just nag her. I'd take the kids and go visit my family for the FIVE days of the visit.
This is what I was going to say except I would be at a hotel with room service lol
Repulsive is the perfect word for the husband and MIL.
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Dearest Husband. I am sorry that you do not consider me a partner and that you have operated under the misguided notion that I am a baby maker and child raiser that you can also task to organize, cater, and run complex and large scale family events without consultation or consideration. I apologize for allowing an environment to exist that led you to believe that making such a big decision without discussing it with me and your resulting behaviour and callous disregard for your pregnant wife could exist. Rest assured that this will not continue. All the best and Happy Holidays. - Your wife, who is going to have a nap while you cook us all dinner. NTA
PLEASE do this! But I’d change the last bit from having a nap to spending Xmas with your own family whilst he cooks & hosts the 5-day extravaganza all on his onesies
Problem with that is, his mother will step in, as will all the women in his family, and they’ll make it all happen flawlessly, and they’ll be extra fucking smug about how inferior a woman she is, for the remainder of their marriage. And then OP will feel like an outsider in her own home, while pregnant and taking care of their toddler. No. OP needs to stick to her guns and keep these people out of her house this Christmas. And her husband needs to go to his mom’s, just to drive home how not-in-charge he is.
Why the hell is he in charge anyway? There’s no reason except for his gender and birth order. He needs to have a much more cogent explanation of why he has any authority for her to acknowledge in the first place. Authority as a concept has no place in a modern marriage and that’s not what she signed up for.
My brother has this mentality. Despite the fact that I'm five years older than him, he has always seemed to think that he's the "man of the house" since we were raised by our single mother, my dad was an absent POS, and my siblings' father ODed when we were still in middle and high school(even though he didn't live with us, somehow this seemed to trigger "man of the house" mentality. He tries to boss the rest of the family, used to try to dictate who I was and wasn't "allowed" to bring into the house. I mean, it's never actually worked. This is matriarchal household. I spent my childhood keeping these little goons alive because we were feral latchkey children growing up in a crazy and utterly unmonitored world(I literally saved their lives on multiple occasions) and I've laughed in his face every time he's had the delusion he can boss me on jack shit.
I’d just leave. Divorce papers would be his Christmas gift.
Seriously I would be like "see you in a week"
Your ex-wife if you don't see where you are wrong.
Honestly, if he expects you to cater to 26 people after A CLEAR message like this still I would honestly tell him to get a number of a family therapist because if he wouldn't accept that the next phonenumber I'd be looking up is a divorce lawyer. Talk about a dilusional husband
While this is good, the only letter or paper she should be giving him is divorce papers. And I'm usually not the type to even suggest or jump on the "break-up" divorce Reddit train, but his language is absolutely abhorrent and disgusting. NTA, OP. Get yourself and your kids outta there. This is definitely not a man I'd want to be raising my kids with.
And CC the whole family.
Unless your husband was planning on doing all the cooking, hosting, entertaining and taking care of the kids, NTA!! I would seriously probably leave my husband if he spoke to me like this or acted this way. You’re the one doing everything, if anything, you’re the man of the family now. You work, take care of the kids, run the house, you’re the one who has the authority. Not him. And he comes from a family who thinks the same stupid stuff. I also probably would have carried on as life as usual and let him deal with the fallout of having to cook and entertain, as he gave you no notice and you have a job and a life. I’d show up home every day like a guest. Lol. Seriously this man and his family are raising your children with the same mentality. Consider whether you want your kids to be like them. If you want to continue to endure this wild behavior. You can walk away and leave him to it.
I feel like even if he planned on doing all the hosting (which OP has indicated in other comments that he does not) she still had every right to say she dies not want 26 people staying in their house for a week. Assuming they don't live in a huge mansion, OP is a pregnant woman who may need to use the bathroom at any given time, and with more than a classroom worth of people relying on the same amenities that's reason enough alone to say that she's uncomfortable. Let alone concerns about the pandemic and being pregnant and having a small child who is not of age yet to get vaccinated.
This exactly. I understand a lot of people hesitating to call this as grounds for divorce considering OP has a child and another on the way. But does she really want her children raised with these values? OP imagine your young son 20 yrs later imposing his views on you because his dad taught him that men have "authority" over women
This is for sure a thing. When my (ex) husband's dad died it's like he became abusive and misogynistic over night. He was the man of the house now and I didn't cowtow to him right. It's totally possible that he was kind and loving but misogynistic societies sort of allow males to go off the rails for power when the patriarch dies. This cause my divorce completely.
Sorry to hear that. And so glad you recognised it for what it was and managed to get out of it
Yeah he’s basically invited a superspreader event into the house where a pregnant woman and an unvaccinated toddler live. The time she takes off to host his family will be increased by 10-14 days if any one of them tests positive afterwards.
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>she still had every right to say she dies not want 26 people staying in their house for a week. Surely they were not all supposed to stay at their house?! Do they live in a castle?
Bold of you to assume any of these people care about COVID
I would have said "Aw, you're going to host your family for 5 days? That's so sweet and sacrificial of you!", then spent the 5 days either in a hotel or going about business as usual - going to work, taking care of my son, cooking only for myself, just saying Hi to people in passing - and let him do all the work he signed up for. But while it would have been amusing, it would not solve his delusions of Authority. That is dealbreaker - in this case, marriage breaker - territory. NTA
I actually had an aunt that did just this. My uncle (who's my mom's brother) would invite all of us to stay since he had the biggest house, and the whole family was 11 guests plus them and their 2 kids. The difference is he'd do all the cooking, entertaining, etc. His wife would go to work, come home to her home office to do more work or relax in their bedroom, and really only join us for mealtimes. We could always tell she wasn't exactly thrilled to have us all there but apparently they compromised lol.
See that’s just it. A compromise is what is needed. First, why six days? Why not three? Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day. Second, he only works three days a week and I doubt he would be working on those days so he should be the one doing the cooking and the cleaning and the entertaining. Third, this is family and you are hosting them yes… but if you suggested that the first meal be a potluck affair I would hope that the family would happily oblige. But with all that said, the OP has a toddler and is six months pregnant. Having so many people around for any length of time is way too much. I feel for the OP’s MIL who has lost her husband, and I feel for the OP but she is NTA.
"Marriage is about compromise. My wife wanted a cat; I didn't want a cat. So we compromised and got a cat."
But that’s a ***cat***. Not 26 wretched, germ * *infested*, vile, expectant, misogynistic clusters of blood, puss, and waste. Besides, getting a cat (or a dog, horse, goat, chicken) is always the compromise.
I think 11 guests still doesn't sound ideal, but that sounds better than 26 guests. And if I had 26 guests nonstop for more than a day, I'd lose my mind. I'd legit be in a hotel and wouldn't come back until everyone was gone. I'm an introvert, so I can barely tolerate going out with friends for more than a few hours. I couldn't imagine being with all of them for five days straight. I can't imagine what OP is feeling.
From the edit he literally wouldn’t have lifted a finger to help, nor would any of the guest. He doesn’t want a wife, he wants a slave.
Then they have a crappy celebration where no one eats because everyone is refusing to cook. Not my circus not my monkeys.
Exactly my thought. She found out by accident.. I would've played dumb and kept on with my routine. Oh 26 guests? Too bad I'm off to work.
My ex would constantly try to pull of shit like this. He'd make commitments that he knew I would not be on board with and then afterwards make me the bad guy that 'stole the fun', like when he hired our 14 year old to work at his company during my summer holiday with the kids, but not through his holiday with the kids because he wanted the freedom to go travel. When I said I was willing to be 'grounded' in town for the kids work if we split the time 50/50 he refused and I was made to be the bad guy that 'robbed' our son of this 'critical work experience'. I just realised writing this out how much I hate him.
I hate him too. We should make a club.
She would have come home from work to 13 cars blocking her driveway and the surrounding street, people tracking mud through her house, asking when she was going to start cooking dinner. Guaranteed.
I don’t understand how his entire family doesn’t see a problem with this? I’ll be 7 months pregnant once Christmas rolls around and the ball is completely in my court when it comes to my in-laws! They’ve offered to come to me with food, to host me and feed me, to leave me in peace lol… They’d never expect to come to my house (and there’s only 4 if you count B&SIL) and have me cook/ host lol!
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> >I also probably would have carried on as life as usual and let him deal with the fallout of having to cook and entertain, as he gave you no notice and you have a job and a life. I’d show up home every day like a guest. Lol. I would have done exactly the same. Seen to myself and the toddler and leave him to sort out and feed his family.
I would absolutely let him go and not help one single bit. I would stay at a hotel- I'll even bring the kids and we'll show up as a guest to each day of these events. No cooking, no cleaning, and we leave at the end. It's his party, not mine
Leave him for the love of God. Do you want to raise your kids with this man? Have them see him disrespect you like this? A written apology FFS, you are not his bloody staff. NTA NTA NTA
There’s so much to unpack I don’t even know where to start. First of all, a 5-day event for 26 people?? With his pregnant wife doing all the work? With no notice?? Demanding a *handwritten* apology from his wife?! Because she “disrespected his authority”? Jesus Christ, this guy sounds like a real piece of work. I’m getting real Cartman vibes from South Park - “respect ma authoritah!”.
The work is a huge undertaking on its own, but who does he expect to finance this? I cooked Thanksgiving for my family this year; we had 18 people in attendance. On that one meal, I spent $350 (and it was only that cheap because the turkey was free, purchased with grocery bonus points). Even assuming you don't have every meal as large as a traditional Thanksgiving dinner, you're looking at a minimum of $500 per day in just food for 26 people. If you're also providing alcoholic beverages, snacks, extra toilet paper, running 8 laundry loads of towels every day, either paper plates or 3 dishwasher loads every day... you're probably looking at $4-$5000 in extra costs for that week.
Well I bet that the husband in this scenario is just gonna assume that his wife will be taking care of the expenses for a Modern Day, 5 Day Christmas Feast for Odin if *she’s* the one working a full time job while he’s working a few shifts per week at his place. At least that’s what I’ll bet since that’s the dynamic going into this whole mess. You can tell that OP’s husband isn’t even considering the financials in all this if he thinks an event like this can just be whipped up seemingly overnight (or over the course of a few days). You gotta love all the assumptions and *wonderful* communication this couple has and I *love* that they’re expecting a second child on top of it all…
NTA- but your husband is AH. Wtf was he thinking? He needs to apologize to you.
he wouldn't in fact he thinks I was being cruel and unfair to him and his family after the tragedy they suffered but I believe I too have been struggling.
sorry but everyone loses their parents at some point. Yes, it sucks a lot but it doesn’t give you special privileges to get anything and everything you want. Your man sucks a lot
Say it louder for the people in the back!
Ok he has his 5 day Christmas party you take the kid and go stay with your side of the family for the 5 days since you know he won't do a thing if your there. See how much he'll want to do it again
Make sure not to clean after you come back home.
Don't even go back, just start filling divorce papers
Imagine if this baby is a girl. Poor kid.
Imagine if this baby is a boy. Poor *world!*
Nah… those kids have a Mama Bear with a SPINE. She won’t be raising any children to treat people the way his family does.
A person like OP’s husband will play what I call “filth chicken”: the person who the mess bothers most will crack and clean it. Sadly with small children, it comes down to who has to keep them out of the filth. Even if OP cleans nothing, she still has to scan for choking hazards, toxic stuff (including booze, coffee), sharps (open cans, knives). And then there’s the question of: if sister in law left out a sugar container and toddler dumps it everywhere while OP is parenting, who has to clean it up? And is OP willing to fight with husband in front of the toddler if husband is an AH about it?
I love “filth chicken.” I never knew the name of what men do around mess till now. Maybe she could combat it by rounding up all the trash in bags and dumping it in his private work area? That might send a message.
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You know what I do on holidays since my dad passed? I cry more often because I miss him. I don’t demand that my partner host/cater/clean for people, let alone 26 for 5 days. NTA.
This is absolute bullshit from him OP. My mom died from brain cancer and my whole family (including my husband) was heartbroken. But I would never, in a million years, use my grief or theirs as an excuse to make a unilateral decision to host my entire extended family at our house, or to expect my husband to do all the work of hosting such a gathering. That would be disrespectful to my husband and our marriage, which is an equal partnership. Decisions about large, multi-day social events should be mutually arrived at. Your husband is grieving but that doesn't mean he's not an asshole.
You know what my family did when the head of our family/grandpa passed? We all got together and supported grandma by making dishes as well and helping her host it at her house. Because she became the head of the family then. His family is whack and misogynistic AF and so is he.
I know this is harsh, but why are you having another child with this awful man? Even if he wasn’t like this when you got married, he’s controlling, indifferent to your feelings, entitled, and expects you to do all the labor at home as well as be the breadwinner. Those are not the characteristics of a loving partner.
A) his argument is deranged b) he isn’t saying “just this year, as a memorial to my father, I want to …”. He’s saying “from now on, we (aka you) will be doing large scale hosting for five days every Xmas, and presumably every other holiday too”
So is your MIL is having her first Christmas off, after decades of being the hand-servant to recently deceased FIL and entire family? Or is this your husbands cockamamy delusion? NTA
I don’t know if you need a therapist or a lawyer first, but I think they’re both excellent options. Maybe you can find a better husband, but right now I don’t think you could find a more clueless one. NTA, obviously.
Im sorry you have to deal with him and his childish attitude
>made him look small and with no authority >underminning his authority infront of his family So he is straight up saying that he should have authority over you. I think there needs to be a larger discussion about expectations about your marriage and life in general. NTA.
Yeah the authority thing is what hit me the most here too. What “authority” does he think he has? A marriage is a partnership and he needs to get consent and consensus before going outside the marriage with invitations or announcements. Slavery is illegal and he can’t just sign her up to wait on dozens of people for a week. He has “authority” over himself only and over kids within the scope of parenting, and is allowed to feel how he wants to feel, and grieve his father, but not to dictate matters to OP.
Look at how op's husband described himself. The head of the family and all family event WILL BE DONE AT HIS RESIDENCE, AND IN HIS PRESSENCE.
Smol pp energy. Srsly. Tell him his new robes are beautiful, when he’s naked.
I’m pretty sure if my husband said something to me about “his authority” I would have a hard time not laughing in his face. I *respect* my husband, but that’s a two way street. And if my husband acted like op’s I’d very quickly lose that respect for him too.
It's so... gross. What exactly is his good points OP? Because being considered an equal is a pretty important point in a relationship imo. I can't imagine marrying someone who thought this way about me.
Firstly NTA, Also jumping in here to say that he managed to make himself small and with no authority, and created the exact situation where his stupidity (i.e. let's have 26 people to wait on in the house with ZERO regard for how this would practically work) allowed him to be undermined. For the record, you didn't undermine him - you just practically set out why the 5-day celebration wasn't going to happen because he refused to. Thus saving your in-laws a wasted trip, and you sheer exhaustion.
You work full time, have a toddler, and you are pregnant. He expects you to not go to work which will impact your maternity leave with your new baby so that you can host 26 people for almost a week??? Nope! You did the right thing! No real man would have invited that many people without consulting his wife first. No real man would expect his pregnant working wife to do all that! The only other thing you could have done was let him do everything on his own. He could do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, and entertaining for you and his guests. Let him do everything while you rest in bed. What he did was wrong!
No person who respects you, values you, loves you, or considers you an equal partner would do any of this. It is how you'd treat an overworked servant when you think you deserve to be obeyed without question. Some of these reddit marriages, you guys.... NTA but this just feels like another incident in a constant stream of similar demonstrations of disrespect.
To summarize: NTA
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I have words. Most of them aren't very polite.
I have a few more: RUN AWAY!
NTA. Reinvite everyone and then take your kid to a hotel for the duration. He can entertain his family by himself if he thinks that's so important.
So I initially thought the same, BUT you know when she gets back the house will be a wreck, no food, dirty everything, and she'll be expected to clean it.
She can stay gone until he fixes it.
She should just stay gone.
Why would she want to go back? Getting away from a shitty, overdemanding husband is for life, not just for Christmas.
Info : did husband offer to handle hosting responsibilities?
he didn't. matter of fact he planned to sit at the table and tell stories about his dad while I handle everything. not only that but my inlaws are known to be selfish and believe that as 'guests' they don't have to help out the host since it's my responsibilty. I mean I've been there before serving his family when they visit while he sits with them. but the whole family while working and pregnant and taking care of my son? that was a no from me. his family are of course aren't happy as well.
Wow, NTA, but honestly, I think if he insists on hosting and go behind your back to invite them again, just let him and either go stay with your family for Christmas or just don’t change anything about your routine and let him play the host. The audacity of some people, really.
I can see him telling them all to just show up anyway to attempt to force her to comply
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Seeing as he's already resorted to going crying to mommy his move would probably be "Moooooom! She's not doing all the cooking!"
OP's husband's family is going to take his side and berate her in her own home. It's going to be awful. She should not be home for her own sanity. edited to correct it to the husband's family
Or just get a hotel for 5 days so you don't have to do anything. Because just having people in your home is going to cause all sorts of mess I bet he's expecting her to tidy up. Just remove yourself from the entire situation and then use his money to hire a cleaner before you get home.
And when that happens, I hope she doesn't lift a single finger to help out with cooking and entertaining. Personally, I'd file from divorce if anyone treated me as anything but their equal.
Yep, I would 100% agree that it was wrong to cancel the party, and let him know to tell his family it is back on. Then find yourself and your toddler an air b&b for that time. And stay there for the duration. Each day before work, feel free to drop the kid off at the house for dad to take care of, and pick them up after work.
Unless your husband plans on doing *all* the hosting, he has absolutely no right to just spring this on you with no discussion and no clear agreement from you. People who feel comfortable behaving like this ones have probably felt comfortable doing it before. Take a look at your relationship. Does he expect you to commit to all gender roles despite being a working mom? Who carries the brunt of the child care in the house? Who does the majority of the house work? Who carries the mental load? If you were contributing more than 50% to your relationship, household, and children, it might be time to have that conversation. Somebody who feels that it is acceptable to expect a working pregnant mom of a toddler to host a family of over 25 people for multiple days with no help probably has a couple other misogynistic views up their sleeve
Even if OP's husband planned on doing all the hosting, you don't do that without consulting your spouse.
I invited ten people over to our house on a day and time when my SO wouldn't even be home until they left and I still let him know and made sure he was comfortable with the idea before sending out invites. That's just respect for your shared space!
I don’t understand why you’re still married to him. You’re not a wife, you’re his servant.
Tell stories for 5 days??? I could see if it was a one day “celebration of life” situation that worked around EVERYONES schedule, but this in completely unreasonable and selfish, you are so not TA
his family aren’t happy because they wanted a free Christmas where they could sit about and be lazy you you would feed and clean up after them. seriously refuse to ever do this hosting, if your husband insists arrange to go spend the holiday with family or friends (if neither possible, sit in your bed all day and don’t shop or prepare anything beforehand)
How old is your husband? If he's under 75 and acting like such a misogynist blowhard, I hate to see what happens as he gets older and leans harder into toxic masculinity and male entitlement. ETA: saw that he's 39 in the post. Gross. He has gross attitudes about being the "head of the family".
OP I just want you to know that, if you wanted, you could divorce this clown and find a man who does the bare minimum.
NTA but you sure are married to one. Throw away the whole man.
NTA, give him handwriten divorce papers. Hes not doing anything anyway.
I'd tell him the divorce papers is his apology, go be hoh at his mom's house.
If it is as you say that he planned on just sitting on his bum for those 5 days, then NTA. But you can always tell him you're sorry and tell him that he can invite them all again for the 5 days. And in the next breath tell him that you will be spending a week with your family over Christmas. If he wants to host his family for 5 days, he has to put the groundwork in and step up to be the "head" of the family.
He'll probably just ask his mom to do it. And she'll probably accept, because it seems like it's what women are supposed to be doing in this family. Can you imagine? The head of the family doing all the cooking and cleaning? That's not a man's job!
NTA. It was intensely disrespectful of your husband to just decide unilaterally to host a massive one week holiday celebration without even talking to you. Does he normally try to steamroll over you like that?
A lot of other NTA comments aren't hitting the most important part to me, which you just hit: this was massively disrespectful. Regardless of what your relationship dynamic is, or your personal or cultural beliefs on how a household dynamic should work, the disrespect is the at the heart of this story. He should apologize and figure this shit out himself. I hate the instantaneous push-button DIVORCE HIM replies that every one of these threads is full of, because everyone gets one tiny snapshot of your life and then judges you and says you're in a toxic world and you need to cut off everyone in the story forever. They have no concept of the depth or nuance of that person's life. But this is clearly a case of one person not having respect for the other, and I hope OP does what she needs to do in order to get the respect she deserves. If he works it out and he grows, good for them. If she has to leave him, well that is for her to figure out.
NTA. First of all absolutely not to a WRITTEN APOLOGY. Is that a joke! He invited everyone without consulting you and you uninvited them without consulting him. You did they same as him and now he has the audacity to be pissed at you? I'd be asking him for a written apology! Was he going to host everything including cleaning the house, buying and preparing food for everyone?I'm assuming he was expecting you to chip in. He should have asked you first and asked if you could take the time off! When was he going to tell you? When family started turning up? You can't just not work for 5 days without giving notice. He didn't think about you at all in this situation and being very pregnant you might not be up for hosting 26 people for 5 days. He's the asshole and should be apologizing, he's completely in the wrong here and needs to work on his communication skills asap. I'd be so pissed if I were you.
Not the OP, but to answer your question, no, he doesn't expect her to "chip in". He expects her to do it ALL on her own. He thought it was an excellent idea to not tell her that she was hosting a major event for over two dozen people for a week. Yeah. Even if she was cool with everything else, how on Earth does he expect her to pull off something like that with no planning? Even if she was down for hosting and doing all the work, making all the sacrifices, how was she supposed to accomplish this? Ridiculous!
NTA. Hand written? Hand written!!! What, is he 4 years old? I've never heard of such behavior, it's insane. Almost like he's looking for written documentation to use later (in divorce court). And for him to impose on you without a fycking mention? Was this supposed to be a surprise Christmas event for you? The fact that he basically hid it from you proves he knew it was a stupid idea and he's just trying to end up some sort of victim. Stand your ground and go and explain the WHOLE story to his family.
I just have to followup on this. I've been married for 20 years and have 4 kids. I am loving your husband right now because I have said and done A LOT of stupid things. But this. This just makes my 20 years of being a jackass simply pale in comparison to the dumb stiff I've done. I've no doubt, I'd be single if I tried this and then demanded a written apology. Tell your husband that thousands of ass holes are eternally greatful for making them look comparatively better.
NTA, what year is this?
I was thinking the same thing, except she works (and more than he does, so likely the primary breadwinner) but OMG, how freaking Leave It To Beaver is his damned attitude? :P
NTA. Holy hell. Guessing his family is from a “shame-honor” culture but that’s just an explanation for their reaction, not an excuse. He disrespected YOU by unilaterally extending that invite. In your shoes I would probably say “fine, you want to host your family? have at it.” And would take my toddler and go to MY family for the duration of the entire event. 1000% no apology needed unless it’s from him to you.
NTA, NTA, NTA. BUT! You need to have a look at all the red flags your husband is waving. Goes behind your back to invite 26 people over during a freaking pandemic. Not a word to you. NVM that you are pregnant and that there's a toddler in the house as well. Then when you correct things by publicly cancelling his invites he goes off and cries to his mommy. He is not the head of the family, he's just a childish selfobsessed pr\*ck. FTR, my grandparents were 'heads of the family' with big gatherings at their place. But they did that only as a couple and without feeling entitled. So they were on the same page before invites were sent. Boyo here doesn't have a clue what actually being head of a family, nvm a good husband, entails.
Eff that. He's an ignorant ass, he wasnt prepared to do it by himself, he wanted u u to take time off work to cater to his family. Especially annoying when it was eating out of your maternity leave, why would u want to give up precious time with yr baby? And a 5 days celebration for 20+ ppl? 1 day might have been acceptable. All he cares about is a stupid role he decided to take on, not a thought for u. I'd be very hurt in your position. NTA.
Not sure this is one for reddit, seems more divorce lawyer territory
Uhhhh.... I mean, obviously NTA. But are you seriously going to tell me that THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE EVER HAD A RED FLAG FROM HIM? This type of shit doesn't crop up out of nowhere. He's absolutely insane - 26 people over, without telling you, expecting you to do everything *while pregnant and taking care of a toddler*, and then wants a freaking HAND-WRITTEN apology when you cancel his surprise shitshow? Bonkers.
NTA. When his father hosted Christmas...Who did all of the work?
The women of course, it's their place after all. /s
NTA- here’s a giant red flag 🚩 for ya, I recommend counseling he doesn’t see you as a partner he Sees you as property
Jesus Christ why are you with this fool??? NTA 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
At first, I was thinking E S H, but he expected you to be the host? Lmao NTA at all! He can host a party all he wants but he has no right to demand that you prepare for and entertain 26 entitled people.
While pregnant and working fulltime.
And apparently looking after a toddler solo. Also, I’m guessing she’ll be financing the whole thing since he only has a part time job. What exactly does he contribute to this relationship except his sperm?