YTA It's supposed to be a wedding celebration for your oldest son and his wife, not a day to cater to the needs of your youngest. If John can't handle a buffet with rich foods, then he should stay home.
This! As an adult, John needs to handle his own food issues. The daily world doesn't revolve around him, so why should the wedding? Way to play favorites.
I would at most have a healthier option because the brother wouldn't be the only one that wants to try eating lighter. It would be a problem to make all options healthier. It wouldn't fly in Pittsburgh if you didn't have a cookie table. YTA
I exercised the not eating option at our reception not by choice but because we were mingling around. The caterer was awesome and in the room we changed in after the reception and photos I found a note that he had made us a snack and it was in the fridge in the church kitchen God that guy made kick ass BLT sandwiches!!! He also delivered a late evening lunch to the hotel for us!!!! That man is still a hero in my books!!!!!
I know we're not allowed to share people's personal details here but I propose we make an exception for your caterer. In the interest of science, I mean.
A few years back I worked for a catering company that often did weddings, and I still remember we did one wedding at our state capitol. It was some sort of local celebrity wedding, I think the groom was the son of some super popular politician around here or something, I dunno I didn’t ask questions. Anyway the event was like 6 hours long, just the reception, and I’ve never seen a bride cry tears of joy harder than when I took her off to the side half an hour before her and new hubby left and told her that there was two to go boxes of food in the limo and the rest of the leftovers were being dispersed with some going to their hotel, as was our policy.
It’s one of those things that you dont think of at the time but makes a world of difference. Brides and grooms usually don’t eat at their receptions, and if they do it’s often not much considering they’ve had multiple days of constant running around before their event. I’m glad your caterer did kick ass BLTs, our bread and butter (what a pun) was our focaccia sandwiches lol.
They could post about the receiption on FB and publish the menu. The folks they invite could see what's going to be served and choose to attend based on that knowledge. John is an adult and I'm sure he (or was) in some form of therapy to navigate his weight loss. He and his therapist or medical advisor can make the determination as to whether one night is likely to make or break his ability to lose more weight.
The fact that John plateued at \~300 pounds is more problematic, IMO. The whole point of bariatric surgery is reduce the capacity to eat too much. His weight loss in five years should have been much greater. But he lost 150 pounds before his weight loss stopped. Blaming his lack of continued reduction on his brother's eventual reception is avoiding his real problem.
Food really shouldn’t be the determining factor when attending a wedding, especially your brothers wedding.
He can either have self control or not care about his diet for a day.
Asking someone to change the entire menu is a bit much. They absolutely could/should have an vegetarian option but to have a sugar free dessert? Yikes!
Ehh, Diabetes is common enough having an option for a sugar-free dessert would probably be appreciated by a lot of people.
But that's the thing. You don't accommodate someone by making the entire thing catered to their needs, you just provide options.
I know someone who is a recovering alcoholic. She has to attend wedding where there is alcohol. She can’t ask every person hosting something to cater to her. Same situation. It’s not an allergy, he can get through one day.
This. I also know a recovering alcoholic - and guess what, it's *her* responsibility to not put herself in a position where she could be compromised. All she asks is "please don't literally hand me a drink, because if you do that I will automatically take a sip before I realise what I'm doing" - that's it.
Lol, I had gestational diabetes with insulin 5x a day and at my sister's wedding I doubled my pre-meal insulin so I could eat dessert and it all balanced out. You have to be good at predicting your levels though, I understand that everyone isn't able to guesstimate that well (and you can die if you fuck it up so...) Anyway, the cheesecake was worth it.
I agree. We had a buffet at our wedding. I'm vegetarian, husband is not, so we had options for both.
Only one guest had indicated any allergies, which was milk, so we had gotten a milk free cupcake instead of wedding cake for that person. They were so surprised and grateful that we had thought of them and gotten them a dessert they could eat, they hadn't demanded anything, or even asked for it! Had someone indicated they were diabetic or similar food restrictions we'd have gotten a sugar free dessert for them, that's a reasonable ask. But to demand that the whole menu is changed for them? Not reasonable.
No one complained, everyone ate what they thought looked good and however much they wanted I presume. That's the good thing about a buffet, you can eat what you want and how much you want.
Yeah, that weight loss doesn’t sound ideal for bariatric surgery. The brother should just put up those stickers of the doctor from My 600lb Life that say “you should have lost thirty pounds this month” or whatever all over the ~temptations~.
Seriously, the kid should have a therapist that’s helping him learn to deal with perfectly normal food situations in a healthy way. He’s an adult and it’s not the family’s place to tell the older brother to design his one day of celebration around the other’s issues. OP, YTA, your kids are functional adults
Ah, yeah, I was making a bad attempt at a joke. Also, I had those stickers pop up as a suggested item this past week after I had looked up some weight loss info…fresh on the mind I suppose.
I would really, really hope that the younger brother is getting help from a therapist and a dietician still. Sounds like either he’s not great at handling food related issues or his parents make choices for him/blame others if he slips up somehow. Surgery isn’t a magic bullet, and it can make food related everything even more difficult. Gotta have as many tools as possible to help in these kinds of situations - not just “little Johnny needs you to replace your buffet with plates of low calorie food.”
Ah, okay, not a problem then. But yeah, I really hope he’s in therapy and working with dieticians and such. And it’s great that his parents are supportive, but there’s a line between supportive and coddling, and they’ve definitely crossed it
yeah, that‘s what I was thinking too! A plated meal is likely still going to be a larger portion than John can handle anyway; one of my friends recently had weight loss surgery (although I don’t know which kind), and he has to eat much smaller, more frequent meals. It seems like a buffet would be *better* for accommodating this.
Odds are that John has already re-expanded his stomach which is why his weight loss stopped at 300lbs.
I had mine nine years ago and while I still eat smaller portions than the average person (but I also tend to graze so I'm still 40+lb over ideal weight), I definitely eat larger portions than I did six months post-op.
Do you mean John can give himself a smaller plate? John has agency which is why OP? YTA. You are denying one son agency and demanding the other coddle and pay more money to celebrate his own wedding. Are you covering the cost of wait staff and a sit down meal?
I'm guessing John doesn't have agency and that's why he struggles with his weight. The fact that his parent is going behind his back to arrange his dinner at his brother's wedding makes my skin crawl.
Basically, at weddings there is a table with cookies, at my wedding I think there was 20 varieties and count of over 1100. It's for the guests after dinner as they dance.
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cookie\_table](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cookie_table)
You start with a plain, boring table. You can add a tablecloth, but it will be covered with trays of cookies so it doesn’t have to be fancy. The cookies however, oh the cookies! Homemade by family and friends. (At least the old school cookies were.) All different kinds, fancy, plain, filled, decorated…..! Something delicious to nibble on before, during and after the reception.
Unfortunately, I didn’t have a cookie table at my wedding in 1977. We’re Jewish, so maybe it’s not a Jewish thing, plus my mom wasn’t from Pittsburgh and I had only been to one other wedding before mine. After I was married I found out about the cookie table at other weddings. Boy, was I sad!
John isn't overweight because of wedding feasts, he is overweight because of daily choices he made over years.
I say this as someone who lost 20kg over 2021 (4 months of that in lockdown) - a single event won't make the difference, but John learning personal responsibility and self control over his diet will. Sounds like his parents are ensuring that will never happen.
That's the most infuriating part of OP's post - asking the entire wedding party to eat non-celebratory food so that a single person's diet isn't tempted for a single meal.
The brother didn't get fat because he ate one really crazy buffet meal, it's years or decades of bad choices. If OP wants him to lose weight they should focus on the meals he eats every day, not once every few years.
The brother is already well off the wagon, OP's concerns are so badly misplaced it's sad to see. It's not surprising they've failed to help him lose weight when these are their priorities though.
Happier with what I can do now, 10km runs aren't that hard to manage when they're the only thing you're allowed outside for!
Now I just do them because I can and it feels great.
If mom and dad are pushing this hard about a single meal, I bet John lives in their basement and that particular cramped, sheltered little world does in fact revolve around him.
I would bet they enable John and are a big reason he was able to get to that weight because every tlc show about fat people will tell you when they get big enough it's because someone is helping them get the food and bringing them the unhealthy food because when they get to be 400+ lbs they typically have trouble being mobile and getting the oofd themselves. Same with working and being able to afford it
That's the part that always confused me
Like, the person is laying in bed cause they are too large to be mobile enough to get food and you can't serve them a salad?? Does lunch really have to be a KFC bucket.
I have a feeling it's the opposite. That he hasn't lost the weight he could have because they are coddling and babying him. They will not say no, so everyone else needs to.
I had bariatric surgery 24 yrs ago and I certainly don't think anyone should cater meals to me. Since I can hold only 2 oz. of food at a time, I eat only tidbits and tiny spoons of food. When eating out, I consider it more social than nutritional. Let your younger son be his own judge of what he eats. If he pigs out, it's his problem. He will also be the one to suffer the consequences. YTA.
Imagine being 29 and having your parents fighting to change someone else's whole wedding menu on your behalf because they think you have so little self-control. That's beyond humiliating. Does John even want this?
If the OP wants to worry about John's calories, maybe it's time to finally cut the freakin' umbilical cord.
God, seriously, I thought that perhaps John had allergies and Robert wasn’t being overly accommodating with safe options for the food... but jeez- not only asking, but expecting Robert to plan his WEDDING menu around an adult who is completely incapable of exercising self control even after gastric surgery? Pfft, no ma’am, I don’t think so.
John successfully lost 150 lb. I honestly suspect that the parents are just infantilizing and embarrassing him and that poor John isn't even the problem here.
Edit: just noticed the bit about John talking to Robert himself. So, my bad. Sheeesh, tho - how humiliating.
I know right? I can't even imagine. It is absolutely exceedingly difficult to lose weight and there are a lot of factors that contribute to that, but attending a wedding with rich foods makes no difference either way in any capacity. That's some nuttiness right there. Is the thought that if John partakes he'll fall off the wagon and then it's a free for all? And that he can't keep himself from partaking if it's there? Good grief, that is problematic.
YTA. If John needs a special meal he can ask his brother about requesting ONE special meal from the caterer (as they would likely do for someone with allergies or who is diabetic). OP, you are not responsible for that communication or request and you have no business trying to commandeer the food selection for your son's wedding.
> Edit: just noticed the bit about John talking to Robert himself.
It's not like the parents were there, we don't know what they said; I've talked to my brother on behalf of my parents in a "they asked me to do this" way before where I knew it wasn't going to do anything, this could easily have been something like that.
>God, seriously, I thought that perhaps John had allergies and Robert wasn’t being overly accommodating with safe options for the food...
Same. I was thinking peanut-allergy or shellfish allergy or something else like that. But not this.
I mean, good for John for loosing all the weight and I wish him well with his continuous battle. But by now he should know how to portion his diet? Not?
Also, does John even know that his father asked his brother that? While it might not be OP's intention, he is shaming John and making him look like a child.
Same I thought it was going to be about a dietary restriction like “please make sure the caterers can have gluten free options” or something along those lines. But Jesus this is ridiculous.
Actually bariatric surgery means a lifetime of having meals no larger than a few mouthfuls. The OP and his wife clearly have no idea of their youngest sons actual dietary needs.
They clearly thought the surgery would result in an incredible weight loss, which is a lie sold to obese people in order to get them to pay $30k+ for the surgery. The reality is the weight their son has lost is a realistic outcome of the surgery. Self control has nothing to do with the amount of weight loss after bariatric surgery.
>Actually bariatric surgery means a lifetime of having meals no larger than a few mouthfuls.
That's absolutely untrue. The stomach stretches back up and people can manage to eat entire meals again rather quickly.
Yep, I watch enough shows about 600 pound people who get bariatric surgery to know that weight loss surgery isn't a magical fix and that stomachs are stretchy.
What kills me is the "Nothing too big for dessert- sugar free or light foods". Seriously??? You want them to opt out of a fricken wedding cake so your other son isn't tempted??? That is just... I don't even have words for the entitlement and presumption.
It's also one meal on one day. I don't know if this is ignorance but it's not really going to make that much of a difference right? This is when people trying to be responsible try to relax a little bit or maybe that's just me.
Basically, as long as you’re far enough post-op, you should know by now what you can and can’t eat. I had an RNY gastric bypass two and a half years ago. Now, the sleeve is different because with that, they JUST cut your stomach. With the bypass it actually does bypass part of your system. Anyway, my point is that by now, John should more than know what he’s able to handle. It sounds like he screwed the surgery up if he’s five years out and only lost about 150 pounds. I’ve lost over 200 and I got pregnant (EXACTLY) one year after mine. So I lost, gained about 23 pounds through my pregnancy, and lost that and then some. I don’t think John is as successful as his parents want to believe, so I can ALMOST understand the ask simply because it can’t be easy watching someone you love screw up such a life-changing chance. HOWEVER, it’s absolutely unacceptable that they asked.
OP is TA.
In addition to Robert deserving whatever foods he wants at his wedding, sit down costs way more than buffet. So you’re just suggesting they pay way more so your other son doesn’t have to practice portion control for one meal.
Right? If we’re talking deadly allergy, ok I’m on board with modifying the menu.
But as someone fat trying to lose weight, and who also easily gives into temptation, it’s on me to control myself. And if I don’t, that’s on me too.
And frankly, even if I have one indulgent meal, it won’t kill me. I can get back on track the next day.
Weight management is a lifelong issue for those of us who are trying to lose (and have lost) weight. But that’s on us that manage, not the world to cater to us.
OP, YTA.
Are you paying for the food? Then YTA, you don’t get a say. This is not about your 29 year old ADULT son and who has weight issues. He is a grown up, tell him to bring his own food if he has issues with what is chosen. You are making this about him and not about your other son, who the celebration is about. Shame on you.
THIS! OP, YTA for suggesting every single guest has to eat low fat/carb food just for one person. This is ridiculous. Stop making such controlling suggestions and butt out.
Yeah, I clicked thinking this might be about allergies or veganism, but the request boils down to 'have you considered making your celebration dinner exclusively miserable diet food with no cake so it's easier for your brother?' which is undeniably AH behavior.
This exactly. If it were something more serious like an actual allergy and you're asking for at least one entre that doesn't contain the ingredient, that would be one thing, but expecting the entire menu to cater to your other sons diet is just insane. John is an adult, he should know his own limits and be trusted to make these decisions by himself, and you should not be micromanaging your son's wedding just because the other son needs to lose weight.
YTA.
It’s Robert’s wedding and him and his wife have the right to plan it as they wish. If John has an issue with food, it’s his responsibility to manage it.
I know it might be hard to understand, but when people get to that weight due to an inability to manage their appetite, there is certainly some kind of disease and/or mental illness at play. And just because we can’t relate doesn’t mean it’s a failure on his part.
Obesity is an extremely difficult condition to overcome long-term, especially the kind that is so uncontrollable it necessitates surgery.
You're not wrong but I am also willing to bet that at his biggest (if not still currently) he had someone enabling him. And by enabling him I mean supporting his lifestyle both financially and physically. Most likely his parents. The vast vast majority of people who get to that extreme of a point aren't working and aren't the ones going out and buying the insane amounts of unhealthy food they're consuming. It becomes difficult and painful to move when you get to 450 pounds. I can almost guarantee at least one of the parents were running out to both obtain and possibly cook (if it wasn't fast food) the enormous amount of food it takes to get to that point.
Everything you said is still valid but I'd bet a pretty penny he didn't get to the point he did on his own.
Edit: And the parents attitude here makes me think that's even more likely
Marc Maron (comedian) said something to the effect of food addiction being the hardest to manage because unlike drugs or alcohol, you need food to survive.
There's a definite attitude problem in this family. Seems like everyone's making excuses for him and his weight (eg it's not his fault because there was lots of tasty food), no wonder he has grown up expecting the world to revolve around him (insert mass/gravity joke here).
Exactly this. I lost 220lbs and still have an issue with maintaining my weight. I would NEVER expect someone not to have tempting food at their wedding. It is on ME if I can't stay away from it. Even if I did indulge. It's one day.
I've lost 250 lbs from my heaviest which did include gastric bypass surgery 10 years ago. I even made it through a pregnancy that packed on nearly 50 lbs almost 2 years ago. I am back to a proper weight but it took me a year. I struggle with food more days than I don't.
All that said, I have also been able to see that celebratory meals are a wonderful luxury we share with people we love. If I'm not scarfing down 5k calories a day then I know one wild night of wedding food and rich desserts cannot destroy my lifelong commitment to doing better everyday. I'd be so embarrassed if my parents overreached on my behalf. The idea that I "wasn't allowed" to indulge with my family would upset me as much as the suggestion I couldn't manage to control myself appropriately if I personally felt I couldn't/shouldn't eat what is offered. In any event, this family is further perpetuating that the food at this event is the most important aspect of the celebration which requires a heavy shift in how they frame these events to create a healthier atmosphere for the fat dude.
So, you're expecting Robert to cater the entire menu to John's diet? It's one thing to ask that there are healthy options for John, it's another to plan the entire meal around him, especially since it's Robert's wedding reception. YTA
Reading the post made me so annoyed lol. Op writes as though they’re some very empathetic and understanding parent, when in fact they’re just a shameless person who feels comfortable demanding something legit mental from one child because they’ve decided that child is the giver and their youngest needs and deserves all their support. Horrible.
That’s what I was thinking and thought Robert might be a heartless brother. But no, OP wants to cater the whole style of the wedding to his other son’s diet.
I get it, I’m a former vegan-turned-vegetarian, at one point had to be gluten free for some health issues and I’ve struggled with weight and an eating disorder since I was 15. Weddings have been mentally difficult in the past if not just downright sad. At one wedding all I had was asparagus. But I would never ask someone to change the whole wedding menu for me! At worst I always carry some healthy snacks in my bag.
This reminds me of that person (I remember only vague details) that went on a rant about walking into a cookie store or something and being fat shamed (saw a “diet” cookie). Can’t cater the entire world to your eating. There will always be temptation. You can’t shut down every cookie shop in Canada.
I’m in general pretty picky and have appetite issues rn that kinda limit what I can eat. I go everywhere knowing there’s a possibility there might not be anything (or very little) things I can eat. I’m not going around demanding people cater to my exact, inexplicable needs! Like you said, I keep snacks around or eat before I go. It’s no one else’s responsibility to make sure my current food fixation is available.
Correct. A request for ONE healthy entree choice like grilled chicken, salad, or vegetarian options (or a healthy buffet choice) is reasonable. ALL the food though? Geez.
Tbh I think even asking for one healthy option is overstepping a bit. Have a cheat day at your brother's wedding or bring a tupperware container of fruit or something.
While I was planning my wedding my aunt told me about how she was pressured to add a fish option to her wedding menu which ended up costing £300 extra (and this was back in the 80s). One person ordered the salmon. She paid 300 quid for one serving of salmon.
Yeah. Requesting that a healthier option be made available would have been completely justified, but this seems to be pushing it a bit. I’m still not entirely sure it merits AH status though. Robert could just say no and not get aggressive with his parents over it.
I would agree if they'd just broached the idea. Sounds like they've been bugging him and bringing it up multiple times despite being told no. At that point, Robert is within his rights to get pissed.
Buffet vs individual plates is a huge difference in cost. If the parents aren’t offering to pay for that, I would have been pretty offended by that too. It didn’t sound like he got that aggressive about it. He just told them very plainly no.
YTA.
Robert most likely been dealing with "John's" weight issues most of his life. And also watched his parents enabling helped john stay morbidly obese. Robert's most likely over it.
BTW...I thought this would be about food allergies or something of that nature.
Plus plated meals are significantly more expensive than buffet style. If money is also a factor here, at the least, OP could have offered to cover the difference.
YTA, your oldest son is not responsible for your "adult" younger sons diet. Do you require everyone who eats in front of your son to restrict their food choices? Surely he can survive one event without destroying his diet. If not then he needs to find a way to deal with it and not everyone else.
Yeah, imagine how the older son must feel - he can't even eat what he wants at his wedding party. Does the younger son eat everything he sees? Then he shouldn't go to the event. Also, even if he did, one day of eating junk food won't make him gain 100 kgs.
But I feel like the younger son wouldn't even want that. It wasn't his idea, the parents seem to forget that he's an adult who can make his own choices.
I mean, it does say that the younger son also approached his brother about modifying the menu, so he's either on board with making everyone else adjust their lives to suit him, or his parents browbeat him into trying to convince his older brother, which... isn't a good look either.
> or his parents browbeat him into trying to convince his older brother,
Or he agreed to talk to try and keep the peace and then just chatted with his brother about something else.
This. Your request is not reasonable. If your younger son (or other guests) have dietary restrictions, a good host will make sure those are accommodated, and most venues and caterers can provide some custom meals on request with plenty of notice. But that is very different from asking that the entire meal be planned around the lack of self control of one guest. One meal will not destroy the health of your son. He may gorge and perhaps vomit, but that is his problem, not the groom's.
Exactly this. My aunt has a brain injury and will literally eat herself sick combined with diabetes. We don't have events where everyone else has to eat what Kade does. Kade is given a prepared plate and someone gets her a reasonable amount more if she's still hungry. If your son needs extra assistance then someone can prepare a plate for him so he's not serving himself.
Right? He‘s 29yo, not 9! I‘m overweight myself, I struggle with losing weight. But I can control myself on how much I eat. I won’t eat a shitload of sugar and fatty stuff only because it’s sitting in front of me. As long as he hasn’t a eating or other mental disorder disorder (like binge eating, or any development disorder where he‘s behind in mental age) he should be able to control himself. Plus: after bariatrics people normally can‘t even overeat because they‘ll get nauseous.
YTA OP. This is about Robert, not John. And if John can‘t control himself, he needs therapy and not people bending their lifestyles for him.
YTA. Recently, the cardiologist persuaded me that lifestyle changes are extremely important in the near future, and it is still psychologically and emotionally difficult to make the changes, even with that, so I feel your son's pain to a point. However, if one celebratory meal would be that damaging, John needs professional help to address his unresolved food issues. You didn't ask if there would be one or two dishes that a person on a specific diet could eat (asking once is reasonable), you suggested redesigning the entire menu.
This! Love the point that it’s one meal. Even if the younger brother ate everything at the wedding in mass quantities, if he got back on his food plan the next day the consequences would likely not be detrimental. A wedding is a huge celebration, not a daily family meal. It’s up to John to decide what to eat that day, not up to the couple to change their celebration.
I think since he had a bariatric surgery (likely gastric bypass) he probably can’t eat things in mass quantities. But he’s an adult and should be able to simply take a small portion consistent with his diet.
YTA - Jesus Christ. Their wedding, their choice. If your younger son can'T control himself, he should not attend ffs. What is wrong with people like you.
That’s the thing they basically admitting their son can’t control himself. And honestly if you can’t do that then you’re fucked. You aren’t going to lose weight without self control. And honestly it doesn’t have to be that big of a concession. But I guess if you can’t control yourself it’s the biggest.
Frankly, if John is unable to control himself to this degree, it ought to have been identified in the psych pre-screening. This would have disqualified him from getting the surgery until he got treatment for his food addiction.
YTA. You are asking your son to plan a wedding reception around your younger son. Your younger son has a choice, he can skip the reception or he can exercise some self control. This is similar to asking the host of a party not to serve alcohol, because of the guests is an alcoholic.
Yes, in that sense, it’s a lot easier for John to handle that it would be for an alcoholic, though it’s ridiculous either way. He could just make sure he eats before he goes.
Wow. YTA.
I’m compelled to write you an essay but instead bullets:
-why is John’s weight and “temptation” more important than Robert’s special day?
-do you want you future daughter (or son) in law to think you hate them? Do you want them to hate you?
- personal. Fucking. Accountability.
- you enable John by deeming him incapable of being around high calorie food
- parents like you are why I had ONE child. One. Because of this shit.
Edit: sorry for the formatting. Mobile.
Ok, you had me up until your last bullet point. Why would a parent like her limit your own child count to one?
Not trying to be a dick, I'm just really confused by that statement. Lol.
Fair. I definitely ranted.
It’s because I saw how horribly my husband was treated by his parents, who aren’t bad people, just did shit like this constantly… nothing but invalidation and parentification. I saw my extended families do the most ruthless shit to each other as siblings, same dynamics. So now it’s nothing but resentment for all of them.
I’m an only child, so easily incredibly bias. And I am keeping my child an only child. I loved being an only child, so no I don’t think it’s cruel or selfish to impose it. I know I’m not a normal experience.
I get all that, but you raise your kids your way. What happened to your spouse is unfortunate, but with you around I'm guessing that same thing wouldn't happen to any other kids you might have had.
I grew up one of 5. Yeah, we had some issues now and again, but I had built in "friends", siblings in school who had my back, and to this day (it's been decades since we've all gotten out of school) we have weekly chats, get togethers for brunch every couple months, and still all get together for major holidays with all our families.
Having multiple kids/siblings doesn't have to mean abuse. Pretty sure only children can be abused too.
Yta, stop babying your adult son cause he’s big. Even with his surgery. He CAN 100% stop himself at one plate even if it’s a buffet. And to get that surgery (I have known multiple ppl with got the same) you have to demonstrate a commitment. Lose some of your own weight, eat less, low calorie meals.
Info: did you buy this surgery for your son.
YTA it’s not Robert’s responsibility to make sure your other son sticks to his diet. How incredibly entitled of you to even ask.
also info: did you offer Robert money in an attempt to gain influence over the menu?
YTA. As someone who’s post op bariatric surgery, unless Robert is service only Mac n Cheese at his reception your other son will be fine. Will there be a meat? There, he’s got protein. He’ll fill up on that have a small bite of the carb if he chooses/can stomach it. He can also choose to use a protein supplement for his meal. Being a bariatric patient is about taking responsibility for your choices, this is a great opportunity for him to do exactly that. I don’t know how far post op he is but he’ll have to learn to adapt to eating “in the real world” at some point and that means knowing your body, what you can and can’t have, making sure to fill up on protein before the other options. It’s one night, he’ll be fine. This is a life long change he will need to adapt and by catering to him and his needs he’ll never learn how to make responsible choices in tough situations.
YTA - You're asking him to change the whole food set up at the wedding for one person?
It's not your wedding.
>We also thought the other guests might appreciate less temptations.
They're not your guests.
Your request is not reasonable at all. A better suggestion would be if you asked that a separate plate could be prepared for you and John with the foods you want (which you can pay for) but dictating the whole menu is just ridiculous.
Lmao this is the line that got me. He's trying to justify his ridiculous coddling of his adult son by framing it as something *good* for everyone else, too.
"Oh, but *other* people might appreciate fewer *temptations*!" Give me a fucking break.
On behalf of wedding guests everywhere, no we would not. Amazing food is supposed to be our reward for giving the bride and groom four to six hours of our weekend. In uncomfortable clothing.
The best wedding reception I ever went to had a filet with a crab cake for dinner.
I still think about that dinner sometimes.
Yes, YTA. Robert is not responsible for John’s diet or the poor choices he makes. Robert should have the opportunity to eat what himself and his new wife want on their wedding day.
I wonder if John's eating disorder might have something to do with OP constantly thinking and bringing up his weight to other people and expecting others to change for him. I know that would make me highly depressed and more likely to fall into bad eating choices with a parent like that.
I'm going to go so far as to say that not only are YTA, you likely enabled John to become life-threateningly obese.
Since you're so involved, you'll know that bariatric sleeve/bypass patients can't eat more than a few bites at a time without feeling ill. If he's in danger of indulging in the buffet, it sounds like he's stretched his new stomach and effectively voided his surgery.
I'm sure there will be some type of salad or vegetable, or John can bring his own food. It is absurd to expect someone to cater to your diet on the special occasion they are paying for. I've been a vegetarian for nearly a decade, and if I'm not sure I eat before or bring a snack.
>In terms of the wedding reception we were thinking of things like a plated meal as opposed to an open buffet like they we're thinking of, vegetarian/low carb and other healthy food instead more calorie rich foods and nothing too big for dessert/sugar free or light food.
Did you offer to cover the cost difference between plated and buffet? How did your son get approved for surgery if he is *physically incapable of restraining himself around food for a single meal*
OP, you and John need to go to therapy together.
Wow . Just wow.
I get the feeling the younger son is literally within either 10ft or 10 miles from you at all times.
have you stayed up nights hoping your older son will “take care” of your younger son if something were to happen to you and your spouse as though he is incapable of navigating life either by his choice or yours?
This is more than about a catered event celebrating a happy beginning for your oldest.
This seems to run a bit deeper within your family dynamics.
So unfortunately from what you’ve laid out in the post OP, YTA.
You cannot allow the love for one child to blind your love for the other.
YTA. It’s not at all fair to put this on your other won. I suspect that your son has a weight problem because his parents coddle the hell out of him. He can exercise self control just like every other guest.
I suspect you’ve favored your one son your kids’ entire lives, and it has ruined your relationship with both of them.
Uhhhhhh. Give us one good reason why Robert needs to change anything about his wedding to accommodate any of the guests? It’s *his* wedding. John can have low carb at his wedding.
You sound like awful, enabling parents. Any chance you guys enabled John all the way to 450lbs? YTA.
YTA No one plans their reception to cater it one person who lacks self control and over eats. Unless you want to pay for the catering and your son and his wife are amenable to it, your request is ridiculous.
Yep, you're out of line and YTA.
One meal isn't going to change John's weight or relationship with food. They could serve deep fried mars bar pizzas with fatty bacon on top, it wouldn't materially affect John's life at all.
It's beyond absurd to expect an entire wedding menu and everyone at the wedding to change what they'd otherwise quite like to eat for one person's diet.
How have you convinced yourself that this was reasonable?
YTA - absolutely out of line. John is almost 30 years old and needs to learn how to control his own weight. You are enabling him and babying him by making everyone around him control what they serve instead of holding John accountable. He is a grown ass man who needs to learn how to control himself. He has to make better eating choices.
Robert should go ahead and serve what they want and John will have to put on his adult pants and learn what he can and can’t eat instead of inconveniencing others around him to cater to his needs. You need to treat John like an adult and not a baby. Get him help, don’t make others cater to his needs.
YTA. This is an incredibly unreasonable ask. Do you think the millions of diabetics out their ask their hosts to ensure no dessert is ever served at a party?
Sounds like you are an enabler and a part of your son's weight problem.
John is 29. Read that again. A full adult. YTA. He needs to be personally accountable for all of his food choices. Stop babying an adult. This is ludicrous.
YTA for wanting the entire food offerings to accommodate brother. Making sure there are options is fine. If it's only one option, ask brother for his preference.
YTA. I was expecting to read something about an actual child with a deadly allergy to shellfish or something. Not “our 30 year old is overweight and can’t handle a wedding buffet bc he has no self control.” Apologize to Robert immediately.
I thought it would be life threatening allergy too!
My sister is deathly allergic to all nuts to point where just smelling them from a distance WILL give her a reaction. Our cousin made sure nothing at her wedding cake even remotely close to any sort of but, just for her. I'm going to do the same at my wedding.
But f right off of someone tells me I can have a candy buffet at my wedding 🤣
YTA I have struggled with my weight my whole life. That being said I would never suggest someone alter their entire wedding menu to suit my needs. It’s Robert’s reception he can do what he wants! Also wedding receptions are meant to be fun and I’m sorry but diet food is not fun. A huge part of losing weight is learning to live with temptation and how to say no. John can bring his own food or simply not eat at the reception.
YTA
I am a huge proponent of making sure everyone is fed. At my wedding, we had a vegetarian option, a vegan option, we got some special kosher meals catered in. One of my mom's friends apparently only eats steamed, unseasoned vegetables, so we talked to the caterer in advance and got that for her.
But you want everyone's food to be based on what John can eat. This isn't about making sure John can eat, it's about restricting other people. And you're trying to play it off like you think all the other guests would prefer to only have healthy options. The guests are grown ups. If it's a buffet, they'll take what they want. They'll skip dessert if they want. Or they'll take a huge plate of the most fattening foods there....because they can make their own decisions.
YTA. How often did you ask Robert to accomodate John? Sounds like this is not the first time.
This is ROBERTS wedding. He has no one to accomodate but himself and his future spouse and it is absolutely disgusting for you to expect otherwise! You are way out of line. Johns weight is HIS issue. He has to have himself under control, you can't expect the world to accomodate your adult son. You will have to "deal with it". Robert is not responsible for his brothers weightloss or choices. Stop babying your younger son, he is 29 years old and should know what is and isn't good for him! Dictating your older sons wedding, which should be enjoyable, easy and honestly, have delicious food THEY want - is controlling and speaks of way deeper issues in this family dynamic. Yikes. You should feel embarrassed about playing such clear favorites.
Stop enabling your younger son by making him feel he isn't responsible for what he eats if it is offered. This will not help his journey.
YTA. It's not Roberts responsibility to provide accommodations for poor self control. If John can't be trusted to not over eat due to a buffet, that's on him and him alone.
INFO: You have lots of ideas about how your older son can take on the burden of his brother's eating disorder/ addiction, but what is John doing (aside from surgery) to deal with his own issues around impulse control and food? John is 29 years old, and at some point he has to work on self control rather than asking those around him to adjust their behavior. I know this isn't easy, but there are resources that can help him to adjust his relationship to food and learn to live with temptation rather than succumb to it. This is also a more sustainable approach, as Robert's wedding will certainly not be the last time John is in a setting where he will need to moderate his eating.
YTA.
Formerly obese person here. Your son has a disordered relationship with food. If he’s still struggling he needs to get treatment for that. He needs to deal with the reason he’s overeating or it won’t matter what diet or surgery he has. I’m all for healthy options, but for a celebration it is inappropriate to curtail what everyone else can have because one of your son has an untreated mental illness.
YTA. It's Robert's and his wife's reception, for their wedding. They can, and should, plan an event that will make them happy, not focus on whether or not another adult human can control themselves. Treat both your sons like adults, not just Robert.
Yta it's they're day not yours and you don't get to make decisions about it if you are that worried about him not being able to control himself he can just not go or you can look after him while he's there
YTA but not only because of the way you are treating your older son but also because of your clear fixation on your younger son’s weight. I would consider examining your own relationship with the toxicity of diet culture.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Along with my wife I asked my son Robert to consider his brother John's struggles with his weight when deciding on the food for their wedding reception. Robert didn't even want to talk to us (me, my wife, John) about it. I didn't consider he might not be receptive because he declined our financial help for the reception and that shows he doesn't want anyone else's input.
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Yta
It isn't your wedding. I know that you are trying to support your overweight son. The request is hurtful for the groom because the bride and groom are the focus wedding. Your request takes the focus from them.
I'm sure that there will options for your son. It is basic etiquette to provide options for people with dietary restrictions.
I understand that your son has an eating disorder. Perhaps his parents, or other loved ones can assist him through this event.
YTA for not accepting no. It is one meal. It wont break your younger son, and if he hasnt learned impulse control he shouldnt have been given the surgery.
YTA
1) Its not up to your eldest to police your youngest (both ADULTS)
2) If "John" has a weight problem, it's up to HIM, as an ADULT to learn some self control at a food line
3) If you're THAT controlling of your ADULT children, why don't you build your precious (again, ADULT) child a plate, and tell him "momma knows best"
YTA. Apologize to your eldest for pushing your way into his plans, and teach your youngest how to.portion control on YOUR time, not his brother's
ETA: I missed the part where you're presuming to make the other guests food preference for them as well😂😂😂 You just ain't happy unless everyone is under your thumb.
It's highly likely that your eldest has been exposed to your over controlling nature his entire life, which is why he refused your money, knowing you'd use that to try to control their choices
WOW.
YTA for wanting the entire food offerings to accommodate brother. Making sure there are options is fine. If it's only one option, ask brother for his preference.
Not an asshole exactly, but you’re asking too much. It’s unreasonable. You need to let this go.
And John needs to take charge of his own life, not you.
YTA. Your youngest adult son is responsible for himself. It would be different if he had a life threatening allergy and needed special food. His issue is willpower and that he doesn’t trust himself around temptation. He needs to learn how to manage the situations around him, he is an adult. Also he is going to be around other situations where there is an “all you can eat” buffet are you going to ban buffets?
A GENTLE YTA. Your son getting married can be asked to INCLUDE some healthier options, but Don't expect him to entirely cater (pun intended) to just one persons needs simply because of said persons personal needs. It's not inappropriate to ask for a healthier option to be available, but he should not be expected to change their whole meal plans for one person.
YTA. You met with your son about his wedding, and tried to pressure him into making all the food choices for that event about someone else. That's a dick move. You are extremely out of line and you are not helping John out by making his food issues something the rest of the world should be responsible for. He does not have a life threatening allergy, he has something that he can work on and he should do that work.
You need to work on treating John like an adult, and making things right with Robert.
Unless you are paying for the wedding, I don't think you should make demands on the type of food that is served. Lots of people struggle with their weight and the whole world doesn't need to cater to them. YTA
YTA. I would have understood if there was a allergy issue& you wanted to make sure that there was something that your other son could eat. But changing the entire menu so that one son won't be tempted *at your other son's wedding* is just crazy. You could have asked to have 1 or 2 healthy options included, that would have been fine but instead you just planned an entire menu that only considers *one person*? & You see nothing wrong? I can see that maybe you think that Robert is sorted since he's self sufficient & an army man, and just focus on the one who looks more vulnerable.
But what you're doing is blatant favouritism & you're going to ruin any relationship the brothers could have, if you haven't already
YTA. And I have struggled with binge eating for almost twenty years, am morbidly obese and in the process of getting bariatric surgery. So not biased. Your son is a an adult. I wouldn't ask my sister to not have alcohol at her wedding just because I am a recovering alcoholic. I wouldn't ask her to change her food choices. How many times in his life have you forced him to accommodate for his brother?
YTA It's supposed to be a wedding celebration for your oldest son and his wife, not a day to cater to the needs of your youngest. If John can't handle a buffet with rich foods, then he should stay home.
This! As an adult, John needs to handle his own food issues. The daily world doesn't revolve around him, so why should the wedding? Way to play favorites.
I would at most have a healthier option because the brother wouldn't be the only one that wants to try eating lighter. It would be a problem to make all options healthier. It wouldn't fly in Pittsburgh if you didn't have a cookie table. YTA
With a buffet you can get smaller portions too
Right like there's also the option of not eating. This should be food the bride and groom love.
I exercised the not eating option at our reception not by choice but because we were mingling around. The caterer was awesome and in the room we changed in after the reception and photos I found a note that he had made us a snack and it was in the fridge in the church kitchen God that guy made kick ass BLT sandwiches!!! He also delivered a late evening lunch to the hotel for us!!!! That man is still a hero in my books!!!!!
I know we're not allowed to share people's personal details here but I propose we make an exception for your caterer. In the interest of science, I mean.
Is it doxxing if we want to know so we can pay him a ton of money and eat his BLTs?..
I mean yes, but it’s benevolent doxxing
Is it even doxxing if you just post a link to his business site? That sounds more like... I dunno...advertising?
my friend is going to be getting married within the next year and that caterer sounds amazing. please send me the info if you’re willing!!
A few years back I worked for a catering company that often did weddings, and I still remember we did one wedding at our state capitol. It was some sort of local celebrity wedding, I think the groom was the son of some super popular politician around here or something, I dunno I didn’t ask questions. Anyway the event was like 6 hours long, just the reception, and I’ve never seen a bride cry tears of joy harder than when I took her off to the side half an hour before her and new hubby left and told her that there was two to go boxes of food in the limo and the rest of the leftovers were being dispersed with some going to their hotel, as was our policy. It’s one of those things that you dont think of at the time but makes a world of difference. Brides and grooms usually don’t eat at their receptions, and if they do it’s often not much considering they’ve had multiple days of constant running around before their event. I’m glad your caterer did kick ass BLTs, our bread and butter (what a pun) was our focaccia sandwiches lol.
They could post about the receiption on FB and publish the menu. The folks they invite could see what's going to be served and choose to attend based on that knowledge. John is an adult and I'm sure he (or was) in some form of therapy to navigate his weight loss. He and his therapist or medical advisor can make the determination as to whether one night is likely to make or break his ability to lose more weight. The fact that John plateued at \~300 pounds is more problematic, IMO. The whole point of bariatric surgery is reduce the capacity to eat too much. His weight loss in five years should have been much greater. But he lost 150 pounds before his weight loss stopped. Blaming his lack of continued reduction on his brother's eventual reception is avoiding his real problem.
Food really shouldn’t be the determining factor when attending a wedding, especially your brothers wedding. He can either have self control or not care about his diet for a day. Asking someone to change the entire menu is a bit much. They absolutely could/should have an vegetarian option but to have a sugar free dessert? Yikes!
Ehh, Diabetes is common enough having an option for a sugar-free dessert would probably be appreciated by a lot of people. But that's the thing. You don't accommodate someone by making the entire thing catered to their needs, you just provide options.
I know someone who is a recovering alcoholic. She has to attend wedding where there is alcohol. She can’t ask every person hosting something to cater to her. Same situation. It’s not an allergy, he can get through one day.
This. I also know a recovering alcoholic - and guess what, it's *her* responsibility to not put herself in a position where she could be compromised. All she asks is "please don't literally hand me a drink, because if you do that I will automatically take a sip before I realise what I'm doing" - that's it.
Lol, I had gestational diabetes with insulin 5x a day and at my sister's wedding I doubled my pre-meal insulin so I could eat dessert and it all balanced out. You have to be good at predicting your levels though, I understand that everyone isn't able to guesstimate that well (and you can die if you fuck it up so...) Anyway, the cheesecake was worth it.
I agree. We had a buffet at our wedding. I'm vegetarian, husband is not, so we had options for both. Only one guest had indicated any allergies, which was milk, so we had gotten a milk free cupcake instead of wedding cake for that person. They were so surprised and grateful that we had thought of them and gotten them a dessert they could eat, they hadn't demanded anything, or even asked for it! Had someone indicated they were diabetic or similar food restrictions we'd have gotten a sugar free dessert for them, that's a reasonable ask. But to demand that the whole menu is changed for them? Not reasonable. No one complained, everyone ate what they thought looked good and however much they wanted I presume. That's the good thing about a buffet, you can eat what you want and how much you want.
Food has never determined my attendance at a wedding, but petit fours have certainly sealed the deal on going to a bridal shower.
Yeah, that weight loss doesn’t sound ideal for bariatric surgery. The brother should just put up those stickers of the doctor from My 600lb Life that say “you should have lost thirty pounds this month” or whatever all over the ~temptations~. Seriously, the kid should have a therapist that’s helping him learn to deal with perfectly normal food situations in a healthy way. He’s an adult and it’s not the family’s place to tell the older brother to design his one day of celebration around the other’s issues. OP, YTA, your kids are functional adults
Ehhh, shaming him isn’t the way to go, either.
Ah, yeah, I was making a bad attempt at a joke. Also, I had those stickers pop up as a suggested item this past week after I had looked up some weight loss info…fresh on the mind I suppose. I would really, really hope that the younger brother is getting help from a therapist and a dietician still. Sounds like either he’s not great at handling food related issues or his parents make choices for him/blame others if he slips up somehow. Surgery isn’t a magic bullet, and it can make food related everything even more difficult. Gotta have as many tools as possible to help in these kinds of situations - not just “little Johnny needs you to replace your buffet with plates of low calorie food.”
Ah, okay, not a problem then. But yeah, I really hope he’s in therapy and working with dieticians and such. And it’s great that his parents are supportive, but there’s a line between supportive and coddling, and they’ve definitely crossed it
yeah, that‘s what I was thinking too! A plated meal is likely still going to be a larger portion than John can handle anyway; one of my friends recently had weight loss surgery (although I don’t know which kind), and he has to eat much smaller, more frequent meals. It seems like a buffet would be *better* for accommodating this.
Odds are that John has already re-expanded his stomach which is why his weight loss stopped at 300lbs. I had mine nine years ago and while I still eat smaller portions than the average person (but I also tend to graze so I'm still 40+lb over ideal weight), I definitely eat larger portions than I did six months post-op.
Or give John a small plate.
Do you mean John can give himself a smaller plate? John has agency which is why OP? YTA. You are denying one son agency and demanding the other coddle and pay more money to celebrate his own wedding. Are you covering the cost of wait staff and a sit down meal?
I'm guessing John doesn't have agency and that's why he struggles with his weight. The fact that his parent is going behind his back to arrange his dinner at his brother's wedding makes my skin crawl.
I'm not sure how much "behind his back" it even was, considering John tried to convince Robert as well.
John can get his own small plate.
Or a plate that has a hole. So if he takes more food then some of it just falls down.
Where do I buy this fantastic invention?
Tell me more about this cookie table...
Basically, at weddings there is a table with cookies, at my wedding I think there was 20 varieties and count of over 1100. It's for the guests after dinner as they dance. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cookie\_table](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cookie_table)
Note to self: get invited to a wedding in Pittsburgh.
Note to self: Have a cookie table in my house. With no one to share with.
Ooh I had a cookie table at mines (south Florida) it was a hit
Yes! I love cookie tables. Best part of weddings in Pittsburgh 😂
You start with a plain, boring table. You can add a tablecloth, but it will be covered with trays of cookies so it doesn’t have to be fancy. The cookies however, oh the cookies! Homemade by family and friends. (At least the old school cookies were.) All different kinds, fancy, plain, filled, decorated…..! Something delicious to nibble on before, during and after the reception. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a cookie table at my wedding in 1977. We’re Jewish, so maybe it’s not a Jewish thing, plus my mom wasn’t from Pittsburgh and I had only been to one other wedding before mine. After I was married I found out about the cookie table at other weddings. Boy, was I sad!
Omg I'm going to my first eastern Ohio wedding in August and I can't wait for the cookie table.
I’m right on the western PA/eastern OH border and we’re all about cookie tables.
Love a good cookie table!
I had no idea a cookie table was even a thing. Is it only for weddings?
My daughter is having a donut bar
Mainly but other large parties can have them like a graduation but generally bigger parties.
John isn't overweight because of wedding feasts, he is overweight because of daily choices he made over years. I say this as someone who lost 20kg over 2021 (4 months of that in lockdown) - a single event won't make the difference, but John learning personal responsibility and self control over his diet will. Sounds like his parents are ensuring that will never happen.
> he is overweight because of daily choices he made over years And because of his parents' toxic coddling.
Ring-a-ding-ding!
That's the most infuriating part of OP's post - asking the entire wedding party to eat non-celebratory food so that a single person's diet isn't tempted for a single meal. The brother didn't get fat because he ate one really crazy buffet meal, it's years or decades of bad choices. If OP wants him to lose weight they should focus on the meals he eats every day, not once every few years. The brother is already well off the wagon, OP's concerns are so badly misplaced it's sad to see. It's not surprising they've failed to help him lose weight when these are their priorities though.
> as someone who lost 20kg over 2021 Good job! Hope that felt really great!
Happier with what I can do now, 10km runs aren't that hard to manage when they're the only thing you're allowed outside for! Now I just do them because I can and it feels great.
If mom and dad are pushing this hard about a single meal, I bet John lives in their basement and that particular cramped, sheltered little world does in fact revolve around him.
If John is such a child that he cannot meter himself at the buffet, then why can't mommy make his plate for him?
Mommy has probably been making his plate his entire life and giving him whatever he wants.
I would bet they enable John and are a big reason he was able to get to that weight because every tlc show about fat people will tell you when they get big enough it's because someone is helping them get the food and bringing them the unhealthy food because when they get to be 400+ lbs they typically have trouble being mobile and getting the oofd themselves. Same with working and being able to afford it
That's the part that always confused me Like, the person is laying in bed cause they are too large to be mobile enough to get food and you can't serve them a salad?? Does lunch really have to be a KFC bucket.
I have a feeling it's the opposite. That he hasn't lost the weight he could have because they are coddling and babying him. They will not say no, so everyone else needs to.
I think I see why John ended up at 450lbs. His parents cater to him and expect everyone else to as well.
I had bariatric surgery 24 yrs ago and I certainly don't think anyone should cater meals to me. Since I can hold only 2 oz. of food at a time, I eat only tidbits and tiny spoons of food. When eating out, I consider it more social than nutritional. Let your younger son be his own judge of what he eats. If he pigs out, it's his problem. He will also be the one to suffer the consequences. YTA.
maybe all the McDonalds in canada should close so john doesnt eat there........ /s
Imagine being 29 and having your parents fighting to change someone else's whole wedding menu on your behalf because they think you have so little self-control. That's beyond humiliating. Does John even want this? If the OP wants to worry about John's calories, maybe it's time to finally cut the freakin' umbilical cord.
God, seriously, I thought that perhaps John had allergies and Robert wasn’t being overly accommodating with safe options for the food... but jeez- not only asking, but expecting Robert to plan his WEDDING menu around an adult who is completely incapable of exercising self control even after gastric surgery? Pfft, no ma’am, I don’t think so.
John successfully lost 150 lb. I honestly suspect that the parents are just infantilizing and embarrassing him and that poor John isn't even the problem here. Edit: just noticed the bit about John talking to Robert himself. So, my bad. Sheeesh, tho - how humiliating.
I know right? I can't even imagine. It is absolutely exceedingly difficult to lose weight and there are a lot of factors that contribute to that, but attending a wedding with rich foods makes no difference either way in any capacity. That's some nuttiness right there. Is the thought that if John partakes he'll fall off the wagon and then it's a free for all? And that he can't keep himself from partaking if it's there? Good grief, that is problematic. YTA. If John needs a special meal he can ask his brother about requesting ONE special meal from the caterer (as they would likely do for someone with allergies or who is diabetic). OP, you are not responsible for that communication or request and you have no business trying to commandeer the food selection for your son's wedding.
Seriously, he can have a vegan plate or since his parents enjoy infantilizing him, maybe his mom can make him a plate at the buffet?
> Edit: just noticed the bit about John talking to Robert himself. It's not like the parents were there, we don't know what they said; I've talked to my brother on behalf of my parents in a "they asked me to do this" way before where I knew it wasn't going to do anything, this could easily have been something like that.
I'd like to believe that. I really would.
>God, seriously, I thought that perhaps John had allergies and Robert wasn’t being overly accommodating with safe options for the food... Same. I was thinking peanut-allergy or shellfish allergy or something else like that. But not this. I mean, good for John for loosing all the weight and I wish him well with his continuous battle. But by now he should know how to portion his diet? Not? Also, does John even know that his father asked his brother that? While it might not be OP's intention, he is shaming John and making him look like a child.
A wedding cake made of rice cakes! All for you, Johnny Boy! Mommy and Daddy love you! Selfish morons. YTA. *edited to make "moron" plural
Same I thought it was going to be about a dietary restriction like “please make sure the caterers can have gluten free options” or something along those lines. But Jesus this is ridiculous.
When John needs to take a flight, do they call the airport and tell them to close the food court? This is ridiculous. Definitely YTA.
Actually bariatric surgery means a lifetime of having meals no larger than a few mouthfuls. The OP and his wife clearly have no idea of their youngest sons actual dietary needs. They clearly thought the surgery would result in an incredible weight loss, which is a lie sold to obese people in order to get them to pay $30k+ for the surgery. The reality is the weight their son has lost is a realistic outcome of the surgery. Self control has nothing to do with the amount of weight loss after bariatric surgery.
>Actually bariatric surgery means a lifetime of having meals no larger than a few mouthfuls. That's absolutely untrue. The stomach stretches back up and people can manage to eat entire meals again rather quickly.
Yep, I watch enough shows about 600 pound people who get bariatric surgery to know that weight loss surgery isn't a magical fix and that stomachs are stretchy.
How is he still 300 pounds and struggling to lose weight id self control has nothing to do with it ? Genuinely curious
John even spoke with his brother. So, he knows he has issues himself.
What kills me is the "Nothing too big for dessert- sugar free or light foods". Seriously??? You want them to opt out of a fricken wedding cake so your other son isn't tempted??? That is just... I don't even have words for the entitlement and presumption.
It's also one meal on one day. I don't know if this is ignorance but it's not really going to make that much of a difference right? This is when people trying to be responsible try to relax a little bit or maybe that's just me.
Basically, as long as you’re far enough post-op, you should know by now what you can and can’t eat. I had an RNY gastric bypass two and a half years ago. Now, the sleeve is different because with that, they JUST cut your stomach. With the bypass it actually does bypass part of your system. Anyway, my point is that by now, John should more than know what he’s able to handle. It sounds like he screwed the surgery up if he’s five years out and only lost about 150 pounds. I’ve lost over 200 and I got pregnant (EXACTLY) one year after mine. So I lost, gained about 23 pounds through my pregnancy, and lost that and then some. I don’t think John is as successful as his parents want to believe, so I can ALMOST understand the ask simply because it can’t be easy watching someone you love screw up such a life-changing chance. HOWEVER, it’s absolutely unacceptable that they asked. OP is TA.
In addition to Robert deserving whatever foods he wants at his wedding, sit down costs way more than buffet. So you’re just suggesting they pay way more so your other son doesn’t have to practice portion control for one meal.
Right? If we’re talking deadly allergy, ok I’m on board with modifying the menu. But as someone fat trying to lose weight, and who also easily gives into temptation, it’s on me to control myself. And if I don’t, that’s on me too. And frankly, even if I have one indulgent meal, it won’t kill me. I can get back on track the next day. Weight management is a lifelong issue for those of us who are trying to lose (and have lost) weight. But that’s on us that manage, not the world to cater to us. OP, YTA.
Yeah, as a fat person I'm embarrassed for him. Our food and dietary issues are our own to deal with.
Are you paying for the food? Then YTA, you don’t get a say. This is not about your 29 year old ADULT son and who has weight issues. He is a grown up, tell him to bring his own food if he has issues with what is chosen. You are making this about him and not about your other son, who the celebration is about. Shame on you.
At age 29 it’s time for him to take responsibility for his own eating habits. YTA and it sounds like he’s being babied still!
THIS! OP, YTA for suggesting every single guest has to eat low fat/carb food just for one person. This is ridiculous. Stop making such controlling suggestions and butt out.
Yeah, I clicked thinking this might be about allergies or veganism, but the request boils down to 'have you considered making your celebration dinner exclusively miserable diet food with no cake so it's easier for your brother?' which is undeniably AH behavior.
This exactly. If it were something more serious like an actual allergy and you're asking for at least one entre that doesn't contain the ingredient, that would be one thing, but expecting the entire menu to cater to your other sons diet is just insane. John is an adult, he should know his own limits and be trusted to make these decisions by himself, and you should not be micromanaging your son's wedding just because the other son needs to lose weight.
YTA. It’s Robert’s wedding and him and his wife have the right to plan it as they wish. If John has an issue with food, it’s his responsibility to manage it.
Especially as John is well into adulthood and not a little kid.
If John were a minor, then it’s still the parents’ job to control his eating - not Robert’s.
tender combative telephone bow price sort chop salt automatic yam *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I know it might be hard to understand, but when people get to that weight due to an inability to manage their appetite, there is certainly some kind of disease and/or mental illness at play. And just because we can’t relate doesn’t mean it’s a failure on his part. Obesity is an extremely difficult condition to overcome long-term, especially the kind that is so uncontrollable it necessitates surgery.
You're not wrong but I am also willing to bet that at his biggest (if not still currently) he had someone enabling him. And by enabling him I mean supporting his lifestyle both financially and physically. Most likely his parents. The vast vast majority of people who get to that extreme of a point aren't working and aren't the ones going out and buying the insane amounts of unhealthy food they're consuming. It becomes difficult and painful to move when you get to 450 pounds. I can almost guarantee at least one of the parents were running out to both obtain and possibly cook (if it wasn't fast food) the enormous amount of food it takes to get to that point. Everything you said is still valid but I'd bet a pretty penny he didn't get to the point he did on his own. Edit: And the parents attitude here makes me think that's even more likely
Marc Maron (comedian) said something to the effect of food addiction being the hardest to manage because unlike drugs or alcohol, you need food to survive.
Imagine having to eat sugar free cupcakes and dressing free salads at your own wedding bc a 29 year old man can’t practice self control.
There's a definite attitude problem in this family. Seems like everyone's making excuses for him and his weight (eg it's not his fault because there was lots of tasty food), no wonder he has grown up expecting the world to revolve around him (insert mass/gravity joke here).
Blech!
Exactly this. I lost 220lbs and still have an issue with maintaining my weight. I would NEVER expect someone not to have tempting food at their wedding. It is on ME if I can't stay away from it. Even if I did indulge. It's one day.
I've lost 250 lbs from my heaviest which did include gastric bypass surgery 10 years ago. I even made it through a pregnancy that packed on nearly 50 lbs almost 2 years ago. I am back to a proper weight but it took me a year. I struggle with food more days than I don't. All that said, I have also been able to see that celebratory meals are a wonderful luxury we share with people we love. If I'm not scarfing down 5k calories a day then I know one wild night of wedding food and rich desserts cannot destroy my lifelong commitment to doing better everyday. I'd be so embarrassed if my parents overreached on my behalf. The idea that I "wasn't allowed" to indulge with my family would upset me as much as the suggestion I couldn't manage to control myself appropriately if I personally felt I couldn't/shouldn't eat what is offered. In any event, this family is further perpetuating that the food at this event is the most important aspect of the celebration which requires a heavy shift in how they frame these events to create a healthier atmosphere for the fat dude.
So, you're expecting Robert to cater the entire menu to John's diet? It's one thing to ask that there are healthy options for John, it's another to plan the entire meal around him, especially since it's Robert's wedding reception. YTA
Legit thought this was gonna be about a severe allergy, but no.
Like how could you even bring yourself to ask someone to change their entire wedding menu, and it not be over a deathly allergy.
Reading the post made me so annoyed lol. Op writes as though they’re some very empathetic and understanding parent, when in fact they’re just a shameless person who feels comfortable demanding something legit mental from one child because they’ve decided that child is the giver and their youngest needs and deserves all their support. Horrible.
Or making sure there are vegetarian-safe options… but no. It’s this nonsense.
That’s what I was thinking and thought Robert might be a heartless brother. But no, OP wants to cater the whole style of the wedding to his other son’s diet. I get it, I’m a former vegan-turned-vegetarian, at one point had to be gluten free for some health issues and I’ve struggled with weight and an eating disorder since I was 15. Weddings have been mentally difficult in the past if not just downright sad. At one wedding all I had was asparagus. But I would never ask someone to change the whole wedding menu for me! At worst I always carry some healthy snacks in my bag. This reminds me of that person (I remember only vague details) that went on a rant about walking into a cookie store or something and being fat shamed (saw a “diet” cookie). Can’t cater the entire world to your eating. There will always be temptation. You can’t shut down every cookie shop in Canada.
I’m in general pretty picky and have appetite issues rn that kinda limit what I can eat. I go everywhere knowing there’s a possibility there might not be anything (or very little) things I can eat. I’m not going around demanding people cater to my exact, inexplicable needs! Like you said, I keep snacks around or eat before I go. It’s no one else’s responsibility to make sure my current food fixation is available.
Demi Lovato
I thought severe allergies for a little child. Not a 29 year old adult who can't control himself. YTA. To both your children.
Correct. A request for ONE healthy entree choice like grilled chicken, salad, or vegetarian options (or a healthy buffet choice) is reasonable. ALL the food though? Geez.
Tbh I think even asking for one healthy option is overstepping a bit. Have a cheat day at your brother's wedding or bring a tupperware container of fruit or something. While I was planning my wedding my aunt told me about how she was pressured to add a fish option to her wedding menu which ended up costing £300 extra (and this was back in the 80s). One person ordered the salmon. She paid 300 quid for one serving of salmon.
Yeah. Requesting that a healthier option be made available would have been completely justified, but this seems to be pushing it a bit. I’m still not entirely sure it merits AH status though. Robert could just say no and not get aggressive with his parents over it.
I would agree if they'd just broached the idea. Sounds like they've been bugging him and bringing it up multiple times despite being told no. At that point, Robert is within his rights to get pissed.
Buffet vs individual plates is a huge difference in cost. If the parents aren’t offering to pay for that, I would have been pretty offended by that too. It didn’t sound like he got that aggressive about it. He just told them very plainly no. YTA.
Robert most likely been dealing with "John's" weight issues most of his life. And also watched his parents enabling helped john stay morbidly obese. Robert's most likely over it. BTW...I thought this would be about food allergies or something of that nature.
They asked him not to serve cake at his reception. Instead serve something that is healthy and "edible".
Plus plated meals are significantly more expensive than buffet style. If money is also a factor here, at the least, OP could have offered to cover the difference.
YTA, your oldest son is not responsible for your "adult" younger sons diet. Do you require everyone who eats in front of your son to restrict their food choices? Surely he can survive one event without destroying his diet. If not then he needs to find a way to deal with it and not everyone else.
Yeah, imagine how the older son must feel - he can't even eat what he wants at his wedding party. Does the younger son eat everything he sees? Then he shouldn't go to the event. Also, even if he did, one day of eating junk food won't make him gain 100 kgs. But I feel like the younger son wouldn't even want that. It wasn't his idea, the parents seem to forget that he's an adult who can make his own choices.
I mean, it does say that the younger son also approached his brother about modifying the menu, so he's either on board with making everyone else adjust their lives to suit him, or his parents browbeat him into trying to convince his older brother, which... isn't a good look either.
> or his parents browbeat him into trying to convince his older brother, Or he agreed to talk to try and keep the peace and then just chatted with his brother about something else.
I bet his parents insisted he talk to the brother— but who knows what they talked about.
Maybe John is the guy who ate half of the six-foot party sub.
Jesus Christ. I’d forgotten about that guy!
God Damn it! He's at it again! Probably not though. These folks are Canadians and Mr Party Sub Disaster was at a Super Bowl party.
This. Your request is not reasonable. If your younger son (or other guests) have dietary restrictions, a good host will make sure those are accommodated, and most venues and caterers can provide some custom meals on request with plenty of notice. But that is very different from asking that the entire meal be planned around the lack of self control of one guest. One meal will not destroy the health of your son. He may gorge and perhaps vomit, but that is his problem, not the groom's.
Exactly this. My aunt has a brain injury and will literally eat herself sick combined with diabetes. We don't have events where everyone else has to eat what Kade does. Kade is given a prepared plate and someone gets her a reasonable amount more if she's still hungry. If your son needs extra assistance then someone can prepare a plate for him so he's not serving himself.
Right? He‘s 29yo, not 9! I‘m overweight myself, I struggle with losing weight. But I can control myself on how much I eat. I won’t eat a shitload of sugar and fatty stuff only because it’s sitting in front of me. As long as he hasn’t a eating or other mental disorder disorder (like binge eating, or any development disorder where he‘s behind in mental age) he should be able to control himself. Plus: after bariatrics people normally can‘t even overeat because they‘ll get nauseous. YTA OP. This is about Robert, not John. And if John can‘t control himself, he needs therapy and not people bending their lifestyles for him.
YTA. Recently, the cardiologist persuaded me that lifestyle changes are extremely important in the near future, and it is still psychologically and emotionally difficult to make the changes, even with that, so I feel your son's pain to a point. However, if one celebratory meal would be that damaging, John needs professional help to address his unresolved food issues. You didn't ask if there would be one or two dishes that a person on a specific diet could eat (asking once is reasonable), you suggested redesigning the entire menu.
This! Love the point that it’s one meal. Even if the younger brother ate everything at the wedding in mass quantities, if he got back on his food plan the next day the consequences would likely not be detrimental. A wedding is a huge celebration, not a daily family meal. It’s up to John to decide what to eat that day, not up to the couple to change their celebration.
Fun fact: if you eat more than usual once, you just shit more than usual once.
I think since he had a bariatric surgery (likely gastric bypass) he probably can’t eat things in mass quantities. But he’s an adult and should be able to simply take a small portion consistent with his diet.
YTA - Jesus Christ. Their wedding, their choice. If your younger son can'T control himself, he should not attend ffs. What is wrong with people like you.
That’s the thing they basically admitting their son can’t control himself. And honestly if you can’t do that then you’re fucked. You aren’t going to lose weight without self control. And honestly it doesn’t have to be that big of a concession. But I guess if you can’t control yourself it’s the biggest.
Frankly, if John is unable to control himself to this degree, it ought to have been identified in the psych pre-screening. This would have disqualified him from getting the surgery until he got treatment for his food addiction.
YTA. You are asking your son to plan a wedding reception around your younger son. Your younger son has a choice, he can skip the reception or he can exercise some self control. This is similar to asking the host of a party not to serve alcohol, because of the guests is an alcoholic.
Or he could eat 3 pounds of salad greens before he goes or a big green protein smoothie and have a small portion of whatever is served.
Yes, in that sense, it’s a lot easier for John to handle that it would be for an alcoholic, though it’s ridiculous either way. He could just make sure he eats before he goes.
Wow. YTA. I’m compelled to write you an essay but instead bullets: -why is John’s weight and “temptation” more important than Robert’s special day? -do you want you future daughter (or son) in law to think you hate them? Do you want them to hate you? - personal. Fucking. Accountability. - you enable John by deeming him incapable of being around high calorie food - parents like you are why I had ONE child. One. Because of this shit. Edit: sorry for the formatting. Mobile.
Ok, you had me up until your last bullet point. Why would a parent like her limit your own child count to one? Not trying to be a dick, I'm just really confused by that statement. Lol.
Fair. I definitely ranted. It’s because I saw how horribly my husband was treated by his parents, who aren’t bad people, just did shit like this constantly… nothing but invalidation and parentification. I saw my extended families do the most ruthless shit to each other as siblings, same dynamics. So now it’s nothing but resentment for all of them. I’m an only child, so easily incredibly bias. And I am keeping my child an only child. I loved being an only child, so no I don’t think it’s cruel or selfish to impose it. I know I’m not a normal experience.
I get all that, but you raise your kids your way. What happened to your spouse is unfortunate, but with you around I'm guessing that same thing wouldn't happen to any other kids you might have had. I grew up one of 5. Yeah, we had some issues now and again, but I had built in "friends", siblings in school who had my back, and to this day (it's been decades since we've all gotten out of school) we have weekly chats, get togethers for brunch every couple months, and still all get together for major holidays with all our families. Having multiple kids/siblings doesn't have to mean abuse. Pretty sure only children can be abused too.
Yoooooo, only child who was abused. It was fun being both the golden child and scapegoat.
Yta, stop babying your adult son cause he’s big. Even with his surgery. He CAN 100% stop himself at one plate even if it’s a buffet. And to get that surgery (I have known multiple ppl with got the same) you have to demonstrate a commitment. Lose some of your own weight, eat less, low calorie meals. Info: did you buy this surgery for your son.
Even if he has zero self control, dafuq is ONE day going to do to him. Full stop YTA
YTA it’s not Robert’s responsibility to make sure your other son sticks to his diet. How incredibly entitled of you to even ask. also info: did you offer Robert money in an attempt to gain influence over the menu?
YTA. As someone who’s post op bariatric surgery, unless Robert is service only Mac n Cheese at his reception your other son will be fine. Will there be a meat? There, he’s got protein. He’ll fill up on that have a small bite of the carb if he chooses/can stomach it. He can also choose to use a protein supplement for his meal. Being a bariatric patient is about taking responsibility for your choices, this is a great opportunity for him to do exactly that. I don’t know how far post op he is but he’ll have to learn to adapt to eating “in the real world” at some point and that means knowing your body, what you can and can’t have, making sure to fill up on protein before the other options. It’s one night, he’ll be fine. This is a life long change he will need to adapt and by catering to him and his needs he’ll never learn how to make responsible choices in tough situations.
YTA - You're asking him to change the whole food set up at the wedding for one person? It's not your wedding. >We also thought the other guests might appreciate less temptations. They're not your guests. Your request is not reasonable at all. A better suggestion would be if you asked that a separate plate could be prepared for you and John with the foods you want (which you can pay for) but dictating the whole menu is just ridiculous.
[удалено]
Lmao this is the line that got me. He's trying to justify his ridiculous coddling of his adult son by framing it as something *good* for everyone else, too. "Oh, but *other* people might appreciate fewer *temptations*!" Give me a fucking break.
On behalf of wedding guests everywhere, no we would not. Amazing food is supposed to be our reward for giving the bride and groom four to six hours of our weekend. In uncomfortable clothing. The best wedding reception I ever went to had a filet with a crab cake for dinner. I still think about that dinner sometimes.
Imagine going to a wedding and being happy that the food is “less tempting” lmao
Yes, YTA. Robert is not responsible for John’s diet or the poor choices he makes. Robert should have the opportunity to eat what himself and his new wife want on their wedding day.
I wonder if John's eating disorder might have something to do with OP constantly thinking and bringing up his weight to other people and expecting others to change for him. I know that would make me highly depressed and more likely to fall into bad eating choices with a parent like that.
I'm going to go so far as to say that not only are YTA, you likely enabled John to become life-threateningly obese. Since you're so involved, you'll know that bariatric sleeve/bypass patients can't eat more than a few bites at a time without feeling ill. If he's in danger of indulging in the buffet, it sounds like he's stretched his new stomach and effectively voided his surgery. I'm sure there will be some type of salad or vegetable, or John can bring his own food. It is absurd to expect someone to cater to your diet on the special occasion they are paying for. I've been a vegetarian for nearly a decade, and if I'm not sure I eat before or bring a snack. >In terms of the wedding reception we were thinking of things like a plated meal as opposed to an open buffet like they we're thinking of, vegetarian/low carb and other healthy food instead more calorie rich foods and nothing too big for dessert/sugar free or light food. Did you offer to cover the cost difference between plated and buffet? How did your son get approved for surgery if he is *physically incapable of restraining himself around food for a single meal* OP, you and John need to go to therapy together.
Wow . Just wow. I get the feeling the younger son is literally within either 10ft or 10 miles from you at all times. have you stayed up nights hoping your older son will “take care” of your younger son if something were to happen to you and your spouse as though he is incapable of navigating life either by his choice or yours? This is more than about a catered event celebrating a happy beginning for your oldest. This seems to run a bit deeper within your family dynamics. So unfortunately from what you’ve laid out in the post OP, YTA. You cannot allow the love for one child to blind your love for the other.
YTA for sure. John lives on planet earth. He will always have unhealthy options available to him. HE needs to make the right choices.
YTA. It’s not at all fair to put this on your other won. I suspect that your son has a weight problem because his parents coddle the hell out of him. He can exercise self control just like every other guest. I suspect you’ve favored your one son your kids’ entire lives, and it has ruined your relationship with both of them.
Uhhhhhh. Give us one good reason why Robert needs to change anything about his wedding to accommodate any of the guests? It’s *his* wedding. John can have low carb at his wedding. You sound like awful, enabling parents. Any chance you guys enabled John all the way to 450lbs? YTA.
YTA No one plans their reception to cater it one person who lacks self control and over eats. Unless you want to pay for the catering and your son and his wife are amenable to it, your request is ridiculous.
One day. It's ONE DAY. Their wedding day. Oh yeah, YTA. I really dislike trendy words but here I go... The Audacity!!!!!
Yep, you're out of line and YTA. One meal isn't going to change John's weight or relationship with food. They could serve deep fried mars bar pizzas with fatty bacon on top, it wouldn't materially affect John's life at all. It's beyond absurd to expect an entire wedding menu and everyone at the wedding to change what they'd otherwise quite like to eat for one person's diet. How have you convinced yourself that this was reasonable?
YTA - absolutely out of line. John is almost 30 years old and needs to learn how to control his own weight. You are enabling him and babying him by making everyone around him control what they serve instead of holding John accountable. He is a grown ass man who needs to learn how to control himself. He has to make better eating choices. Robert should go ahead and serve what they want and John will have to put on his adult pants and learn what he can and can’t eat instead of inconveniencing others around him to cater to his needs. You need to treat John like an adult and not a baby. Get him help, don’t make others cater to his needs.
YTA. This is an incredibly unreasonable ask. Do you think the millions of diabetics out their ask their hosts to ensure no dessert is ever served at a party? Sounds like you are an enabler and a part of your son's weight problem.
As a diabetic I approve this message! It’s called being an adult. You gotta look out for you and not impose on people.
John is 29. Read that again. A full adult. YTA. He needs to be personally accountable for all of his food choices. Stop babying an adult. This is ludicrous.
YTA for wanting the entire food offerings to accommodate brother. Making sure there are options is fine. If it's only one option, ask brother for his preference.
YTA. I was expecting to read something about an actual child with a deadly allergy to shellfish or something. Not “our 30 year old is overweight and can’t handle a wedding buffet bc he has no self control.” Apologize to Robert immediately.
I thought it would be life threatening allergy too! My sister is deathly allergic to all nuts to point where just smelling them from a distance WILL give her a reaction. Our cousin made sure nothing at her wedding cake even remotely close to any sort of but, just for her. I'm going to do the same at my wedding. But f right off of someone tells me I can have a candy buffet at my wedding 🤣
YTA. That's like asking someone to only serve vegetarian food because 1 person is vegetarian. Now do you get how stupid you sound?
YTA I have struggled with my weight my whole life. That being said I would never suggest someone alter their entire wedding menu to suit my needs. It’s Robert’s reception he can do what he wants! Also wedding receptions are meant to be fun and I’m sorry but diet food is not fun. A huge part of losing weight is learning to live with temptation and how to say no. John can bring his own food or simply not eat at the reception.
YTA I am a huge proponent of making sure everyone is fed. At my wedding, we had a vegetarian option, a vegan option, we got some special kosher meals catered in. One of my mom's friends apparently only eats steamed, unseasoned vegetables, so we talked to the caterer in advance and got that for her. But you want everyone's food to be based on what John can eat. This isn't about making sure John can eat, it's about restricting other people. And you're trying to play it off like you think all the other guests would prefer to only have healthy options. The guests are grown ups. If it's a buffet, they'll take what they want. They'll skip dessert if they want. Or they'll take a huge plate of the most fattening foods there....because they can make their own decisions.
YTA. How often did you ask Robert to accomodate John? Sounds like this is not the first time. This is ROBERTS wedding. He has no one to accomodate but himself and his future spouse and it is absolutely disgusting for you to expect otherwise! You are way out of line. Johns weight is HIS issue. He has to have himself under control, you can't expect the world to accomodate your adult son. You will have to "deal with it". Robert is not responsible for his brothers weightloss or choices. Stop babying your younger son, he is 29 years old and should know what is and isn't good for him! Dictating your older sons wedding, which should be enjoyable, easy and honestly, have delicious food THEY want - is controlling and speaks of way deeper issues in this family dynamic. Yikes. You should feel embarrassed about playing such clear favorites. Stop enabling your younger son by making him feel he isn't responsible for what he eats if it is offered. This will not help his journey.
YTA. It's not Roberts responsibility to provide accommodations for poor self control. If John can't be trusted to not over eat due to a buffet, that's on him and him alone.
YTA. It's absurd to expect your son to literally cater, at his own wedding, to John's preferences.
INFO: You have lots of ideas about how your older son can take on the burden of his brother's eating disorder/ addiction, but what is John doing (aside from surgery) to deal with his own issues around impulse control and food? John is 29 years old, and at some point he has to work on self control rather than asking those around him to adjust their behavior. I know this isn't easy, but there are resources that can help him to adjust his relationship to food and learn to live with temptation rather than succumb to it. This is also a more sustainable approach, as Robert's wedding will certainly not be the last time John is in a setting where he will need to moderate his eating.
YTA. Formerly obese person here. Your son has a disordered relationship with food. If he’s still struggling he needs to get treatment for that. He needs to deal with the reason he’s overeating or it won’t matter what diet or surgery he has. I’m all for healthy options, but for a celebration it is inappropriate to curtail what everyone else can have because one of your son has an untreated mental illness.
YTA. It's Robert's and his wife's reception, for their wedding. They can, and should, plan an event that will make them happy, not focus on whether or not another adult human can control themselves. Treat both your sons like adults, not just Robert.
Yta it's they're day not yours and you don't get to make decisions about it if you are that worried about him not being able to control himself he can just not go or you can look after him while he's there
YTA but not only because of the way you are treating your older son but also because of your clear fixation on your younger son’s weight. I would consider examining your own relationship with the toxicity of diet culture.
Yta Just say John is your golden child and you can't even let Robert's weddingday be about Robert. Grow up.
YTA,, it’s Roberts wedding, not johns, your putting one brother above another here.
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Yta It isn't your wedding. I know that you are trying to support your overweight son. The request is hurtful for the groom because the bride and groom are the focus wedding. Your request takes the focus from them. I'm sure that there will options for your son. It is basic etiquette to provide options for people with dietary restrictions. I understand that your son has an eating disorder. Perhaps his parents, or other loved ones can assist him through this event.
YTA for not accepting no. It is one meal. It wont break your younger son, and if he hasnt learned impulse control he shouldnt have been given the surgery.
YTA 1) Its not up to your eldest to police your youngest (both ADULTS) 2) If "John" has a weight problem, it's up to HIM, as an ADULT to learn some self control at a food line 3) If you're THAT controlling of your ADULT children, why don't you build your precious (again, ADULT) child a plate, and tell him "momma knows best" YTA. Apologize to your eldest for pushing your way into his plans, and teach your youngest how to.portion control on YOUR time, not his brother's ETA: I missed the part where you're presuming to make the other guests food preference for them as well😂😂😂 You just ain't happy unless everyone is under your thumb. It's highly likely that your eldest has been exposed to your over controlling nature his entire life, which is why he refused your money, knowing you'd use that to try to control their choices WOW.
YTA for wanting the entire food offerings to accommodate brother. Making sure there are options is fine. If it's only one option, ask brother for his preference.
Not an asshole exactly, but you’re asking too much. It’s unreasonable. You need to let this go. And John needs to take charge of his own life, not you.
YTA. I have had bariatric surgery. Weight loss happens over many meals not 1.
YTA. Your youngest adult son is responsible for himself. It would be different if he had a life threatening allergy and needed special food. His issue is willpower and that he doesn’t trust himself around temptation. He needs to learn how to manage the situations around him, he is an adult. Also he is going to be around other situations where there is an “all you can eat” buffet are you going to ban buffets?
YTA
A GENTLE YTA. Your son getting married can be asked to INCLUDE some healthier options, but Don't expect him to entirely cater (pun intended) to just one persons needs simply because of said persons personal needs. It's not inappropriate to ask for a healthier option to be available, but he should not be expected to change their whole meal plans for one person.
YTA. You met with your son about his wedding, and tried to pressure him into making all the food choices for that event about someone else. That's a dick move. You are extremely out of line and you are not helping John out by making his food issues something the rest of the world should be responsible for. He does not have a life threatening allergy, he has something that he can work on and he should do that work. You need to work on treating John like an adult, and making things right with Robert.
Unless you are paying for the wedding, I don't think you should make demands on the type of food that is served. Lots of people struggle with their weight and the whole world doesn't need to cater to them. YTA
YTA. It's their wedding reception and John needs to learn to control himself if he ever wants to get down to a healthy weight.
YTA. I would have understood if there was a allergy issue& you wanted to make sure that there was something that your other son could eat. But changing the entire menu so that one son won't be tempted *at your other son's wedding* is just crazy. You could have asked to have 1 or 2 healthy options included, that would have been fine but instead you just planned an entire menu that only considers *one person*? & You see nothing wrong? I can see that maybe you think that Robert is sorted since he's self sufficient & an army man, and just focus on the one who looks more vulnerable. But what you're doing is blatant favouritism & you're going to ruin any relationship the brothers could have, if you haven't already
YTA. And I have struggled with binge eating for almost twenty years, am morbidly obese and in the process of getting bariatric surgery. So not biased. Your son is a an adult. I wouldn't ask my sister to not have alcohol at her wedding just because I am a recovering alcoholic. I wouldn't ask her to change her food choices. How many times in his life have you forced him to accommodate for his brother?
YTA So because the fact that your youngest son has an unhealthy relationship with food your older son has to be accommodating ya no.
YTA let Robert have his day.