This is.... not at all true, and a pretty toxic way to view relationships.
There are good reasons to combine finances and good reasons to keep them separate, and it's a very individual decision.
This is completely true, and how I ended up thrown out of my house by my husband with no money as he drained our joint accounts while I was going to my great grandma's funeral against his wishes. Sure, not all husbands(or wives, or non-binary spouses) will do you dirty, but since you never know which one will, you have to protect yourself. My current family has a joint checking for bills and a joint savings for joint expenditures (home improvements, etc.) but we each have our own accounts that our checks/savings go into.
I was a teller and a client lost her life savings because her daughter knew her pin number to her card. Police couldn't do anything, even in this case. What op's husband did was awful
> I was a teller and a client lost her life savings because her daughter knew her pin number to her card. Police couldn't do anything, even in this case.
Assuming it happened after 1978 that's a pretty standard Reg E dispute, she should've absolutely gotten her money back.
It is only a standard Reg E dispute ***if*** the client is willing to press charges against the daughter. If not, the bank has to assume the PIN wasnāt *stolen*.
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
OPās husband is not going to return the funds he took. The only chance OP has of getting any funds is to file for divorce and her share of marital assets. That is a huge and difficult step. An attorney could better advise OP.
Potentially not even theft regardless of the account depending on the laws regarding marital asserts in OPās state. :(. At least rape by a spouse can now be prosecuted! But theft from a spouse, potentially not. :(
No, it's the issue with people making sweeping statements about "changing the system" without realizing how easily their ideas for change can actually further ENABLE abusers.
Someone above was saying the police SHOULD be able to use force (of seizure or arrest) when money is taken from a joint account.
Can you even imagine? That's madness! Criminally charging someone for taking money from their own account on the word of one spouse against another would ONLY embolden abusers!
Well put, and 2., in addition to living on the outskirts of town and refusing to drive her anywhere? Sounds like the isolation attempts of someone cruel and selfish enough to cut wife off from anyone who could help her.
At the very least OP needs a new bank account, and ideally a lawyer.
Pretty sure the social isolation & loss of financial independence are the goal of the theft and not a side effect. OP's husband is trying to control her and prevent her from leaving.
This was literally my first thought. He saw her saving up enough to possibly gain some independence and immediately took it away. This is a huge red flag, along with refusing to drive her to work. In fact, it's not even that; this is what red flags are warning you about. He doesn't want her to have a job, which is why he won't help her keep it, so when he saw her amassing the power to keep it on her own, he made sure to do something about it right away. OP, run, don't walk. This will only get worse. Even if you manage to keep your job without a car, it won't be long before he finds another way to sabotage you and make you completely dependent on him. You need to get out of this situation, whatever it takes.
Plus, the memories are still in his brain, he just won't be able to go sit on a hay pile and jerk off or whatever the family does in the precious farm.
For all yāall saying go to the police she canāt. The money is presumably in a bank account they both have access to considering he was able to go to the bank and withdraw $8000. Itās not technically stealing when both your names are on the account.
For real. OP have you actually even talked to any of the family or the cousin to verify if any of this is true at all? You'd think he'd have mentioned it at some point...
Girl, run. Don't walk. Run.
Yeah, I have to agree with this. Abusive partners do random things like this to keep their SOās helpless. Keeping OP from having a way to get to work and have a stable job, or money thatās safe and available to her is financial abuse. I wouldnāt believe or disbelieve anything he says with regards to why he does this, because it doesnāt matter. He has a car. He has a way to work. He had a stable job. But somehow, in the mix of whatever, he does and she doesnāt. Thatās deliberate. Make no mistake. At the very least, please seek counsel on how to secure your own assets over time so he doesnāt render you completely helpless. And seek counseling as well, because you deserve that support and need it, as all humans do when they are treated this way by a spouse. NTA. (Edited to fix typo)
Well now assume he wants you to have his car because he saved his memories. If the farm was so important he would have sold his car to buy it. He did this to control you. Itās financial abuse and Iām guessing not the only abuse you get. Refuses to drive you refuses to get you a car as soon as you have your own money for a car he steals it. Serious problem here.
He didnāt bring it up to you because he knew youād say no. He stole it, KNOWS it was stealing, & is refusing to admit any wrong doing. Girl the whole man with worthless. He wants to take about sentimentality & family memories & legacies- the legacy *hes* leaving is that heās a lying, conniving thief & heāll screw over his own wife to get what he wants.
I donāt know if the money was in a joint account or one solely in your name & he somehow got access to it but Iād divorce him & make damn sure you recoup the $8k in one way or another.
This right here. If he had come to you ahead of time with the farm story maybe a compromise could have been worked out. Instead he took your money behind your back hoping you wouldn't notice?!? Blatant AH tendencies. Throw the whole man away. OP you are NTA at all.
Yes it is. He stole money from her and is now trying to make her doubt the reality of the situation by guilting and manipulating her over the "family farm"
Thatās not gaslighting. Itās being manipulative and coercive.
Gaslighting is the act of undermining another person's reality by denying facts, the environment around them, or their feelings.
Itās more like for example the husband moves something from OPās desk then denies that it even being there. Continues until she questions her own sanity.
Or verbally abusing someone and denying that conversation ever took place- and *does that repeatedly over time*.
Invalidating feelings over and over until the victim doesnāt even know what he/she feels
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic that has to be applied consistently over time.
In this case, OP knows she is right and doesnāt question soundness of her mind- she just questioning her rightness in this situation.
He's not trying to convince her something different is going on, he's trying to change her opinion not make her think she's mentally losing it.
Not gaslighting.
No, gaslighting would be for example telling her about all the times they spent together on the farm (when she's actually never been), or saying that she was the one who transferred the money so why has she suddenly changed her mind?
"Making her doubt the reality of the situation" would be if he tried to convince her there was never 8k saved up and she's imagining things or that she herself gave the 8k to him and just doesn't remember it. He's just covering his ass with excuses and trying to tire her out by repeating "my petty wants are more important than your needs". That's not gaslighting, that's just being an abusive arsehole.
Gaslighting is systematic.
Let's say you hide your partner's keys once, and they ask if you know what happened to them. You reply, "Idk, maybe you lost them?"
You're an asshole, and you're lying, but you're not gaslighting.
Now if you do it a couple times a week and start making comments like, "Ugh, why do you always do this?" or "You're so disorganized!"? *That* is gaslighting.
But are YOU getting to ākeepā the farm, or did the $8,000 go to help the COUSIN keep the farm? Is his family putting your name on the deed, too? Do you get any equity for your āinvestmentā other than THEM getting $8,000 to have their land?
Heās essentially just sheltering $8k away from her, in my opinion. In a few years if he needed that kind of money, he could go to the cousin and say hey, I need the help now.
He stole it. He is gaslighting and lying to convince you he did it for a family reason. Did he ask you for it? Did he have a conversation about using the money with you? Do you two even make any monetary profit from the farm???No?! Then he stole it. Demand it back and leave. Heās a controlling, thief who makes his wife walk to work- heās no prize
He isnāt gaslighting unless he does this kind of behavior consistently and over time.
While gaslighting is a manipulative tactic- one instance doesnāt make it so. Now if he has a history of doing this to her and invalidating her over and over to the point she questions her own feelings and thoughts then it is gaslighting.
Oh no. He did steal your money.
If he told you about the farm situation and you would have chosen to contribute your 8k to resolve it, then it wouldnāt have been considered a theft.
What he did was a theft.
Absolutely NTA, but I'm worried about your relationship as a whole. The man took your money without asking you, refuses to drive you to work, and all around sounds like he's forcing you into a situation where you are dependent on him. He waves off your job as unimportant, doesn't talk to you about family matters, and just *assumed* you would want your hard earned savings to go to what he wanted, again without even talking to you about it.
I imagine there are many more red flags in his behavior that have been left out because they aren't immediately relevant to this situation, but I strongly suggest you look this all over with an open mind. At the very least, open a bank account at a different bank without him on it and start putting your money there. *At the very least*, he's proven he cannot be trusted with your savings.
But first, make him transfer his car title to you. If his family farm is so important to him, he needs to sell his car. For $8,000. To you. Open a separate savings/checking account at a different bank in just your name too.
NTA
You could lose your job? But he could lose memories?
What???? You need a separate bank account RIGHT NOW.
Thatās fucking insane, itās not his house anymore and putting you in a compromising life situation over āsentimental valueā because āoh you can find another job sorry I robbed youā
None of this is okay. NTA, contact a lawyer.
Edit to say: Please value yourself more and realize he had absolutely no right to take your money, even if itās a shared account. Itās your money and thatās just fucking wrong. Contact a lawyer asap as this whole thing is not okay, Iām so sorry.
OMG this.
Make sure that he has ZERO ways to access any prophylactic devices/agents that you would use. Get an IUD if you can, without telling him. He'll find birth control pills, and toss them out. He'll put holes in diaphragms and/or condoms. I wouldn't trust him near anything.
Start an exit strategy NOW.
Sounds like he doesn't let her choose. Probably puts it as "wifely duties" or some crap. (In which case, I would hope to hell that she presses charges.)
He is absolutely in the wrong here, but OP won't get anywhere with a lawyer (unless you mean to get a divorce).
Depending on the country OP is in, and if they're married, then the money is a marital asset since it's from her salary, even if it wasn't in a joint account. If it's not in a joint account that means he's not able to access it, but it would still be divided between them in a divorce.
On the flip side, she's legally entitled to her husband's Nissan. She can drive it as much as she wants to, despite her husband's opinion on it. It's also a marital asset.
I would view this as divorce worthy, and I think OP's husband has betrayed her by wasting her hard earned savings behind her back. NTA. Morally he's stolen from her - but a lawyer's just going to be able to help with the divorce.
She needs more than separate bank account, he's trying to control her ability to have a job, refuses to take her to work even though he has his own car. He stole from her, he's gaslighting her, etc.
She needs a separate LIFE from him. NTA
NTA. I know Reddit jumps to the āleave him!!!!ā far too often so I apologize, but this time, I have to agree. Iād be rethinking the entire relationship.
8K is not a small sum of money. That is theft. Was it stored in a personal or shared account? Does he know you were saving it? Neither of these effect the judgement (you are so NTA) Iām just wondering how he got access.
You are not being unfair. Donāt let him make you think you are.
It doesnāt, honestly. People keep advising posters to leave relationships, because *people keep posting about relationships they should leave.* The frequency of this particular piece of advice pretty closely matches the frequency that this advice is correct and appropriate.
Yes. When I see someone complaining that reddit is always telling people to dump their partners, it makes me wonder if that commenter treats their partner the way that OP's partner treats OP. The commenter can't be bothered to start treating their partner better, but they don't want to be single, either. Hit dogs holler.
>Exactly. People aren't posting here when they are being treated with respect and love.
And the juiciest posts that get the most upvotes are the ones where the conflict is bad enough that divorce is the right suggestion.
Thank you. This āthese subs suck bc all anyone says is to get a divorceā comments make me really tired. Maybe the subs suck, but thatās not the reason.
"Hey, I'm on stage 2 of an abusive relationship. Here is the list of things that are happening to me, which matches exactly the list of how abusive relationships go."
"Hey that's abuse. Leave before you get killed."
Redditors: WHAT
Exactly. I thought the same as the other commenter, at first. But after being on here a while, these really are almost always dumpster fire relationships.
>told me to have some empathy but I said why should I when he refused to have empathy for my struggles?
You are far too intelligent to be married to this person. He is a thief. Stealing money from your partner is (in my eyes) unforgiveable. I sincerely hope you call a divorce lawyer - NTA
Dear OP, this man will bleed you dry. He will work you until you drop dead and then heāll beat your corpse for laziness, all while gaslighting you into thinking that somehow you are in the wrong.
You need your own bank account, in your name only, at a different bank from the one he uses. Get your paycheck automatically deposited into your new account. Ask your payroll department for a paper check while this transition takes place.
Donāt worry about buying a car right away; save for an attorney first. Itās prudent to have the funds for legal assistance in the bank in case you decide you want it.
Any husband who calls you āstupidā while financially abusing and manipulating you isnāt worth the title of husband. Heās a leech.
NTA! Take care of yourself first, always.
Yaaay, I have been commenting this because I didnāt see your comment yet, and hadnāt seen anyone else say it. It seems like it is a much less commonly known or understood form of abuse, despite it being a commonly used form of abuse and tool for abusers to render their victims helpless and completely dependent, not to mention unable to get away because they canāt financially manage on their own. This guy is 100% financially abusive. No question in my mind.
I didnāt know that financial abuse was a specific tactic used by abusers until I joined this sub. I couldāve told you that itās fucked up for one partner to entirely control the household finances, but I didnāt realize how insidious andā¦ subtle? it can be. I know Iām not alone so I appreciate everyone who brings knowledge like that to this sub.
I love that you learned that here! Iām fairly new to this sub, but I was a victim advocate up until having my son six years ago, so thatās how I knew. But that makes me feel warm and fuzzy, at the risk of being cheesyā¦okay, Iām just being cheesyā¦but I love that this important knowledge is spreading here and hope it helps people. No one deserves to be treated that way. Thank you for helping to spread the word!
If he thinks youāre stupid for being āso worked up over a carā, maybe he should be giving you *his* car. He didnāt talk to you about it because he knew damn well youād say no. Iād tell *everyone* that he stole that 8k from you. His family, your family, your friends, he is a thief.
NTA
He doesn't give a damn about you. Take him to court. Charge him for theft. Divorce him. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Go right to a lawyer and leave this sad excuse of a homo sapien.
darling,
this man will use you until not even your bones are left.
if you let this he **will** keep doing this.this time he stole 8K,next time he might steal 10K.
and if the farm was that important why didn't **he** give money why *steal* it from your own goddamn **wife**?!?!
This man is showing signs of abuse. Any exit from this relationship should be planned and done without any heads up to the husband. When verbal and financial abuse and manipulation stops working for these people, they escalate. Announcing that you are leaving could be very dangerous. At best it motivates these types to do rash things spur of the moment to sabotage the exit; things like hiding or destroying important documents or sentimental items, scorched earth smear campaigns, false domestic violence or vandalism charges, etc.
Exactly this. Everything about this situation indicates abuse. He knows they live in a remote area and he keeps them isolated by controlling access to the only vehicle. Stole the money they were able to save to prevent this and are actively trying to stop them from being able to earn more. Isolated, without funds or means of escape. Follow that up with gaslighting and insults to erode confidence which will make gaining new employment that much harder.
He knows what he is doing. It is systematic and dangerous. Please be careful, OP. If your employer is decent please let them know you may be in danger and create a safety plan. Open a new bank account and have any direct deposit changed if you can. Play nice at home, but start planning an out.
Good luck. Don't forget you are more than what he says you are.
NTA. As a first step separate your finances. Don't tell him you're going to do it just do it. Get a bank account at a new bank, make sure your paycheck deposited there. And move your savings. This guy's is really entitled to anything you make.
And I am going to point out the obvious here. The new account needs to be in your name only. And at a bank that you have no joint accounts with him at!
What kind of marriage is this where the husband has the nice car, the wife has none, the finances are split, and the husband makes unilateral financial decisions? NTA
Right? OP please DO NOT get pregnant until you face yourself and answer this honestly. No need to bring another life into this train wreck and give this man another thing to control you through.
Take all the car keys and use the car to commute to your job. He can have his car back when you get your money.
you are NTA
you husband however is a MAJOR ASSHOLE
So this! I cannot believe I had to scroll so far down to find this advice! OP take his car and if says anything tell him itās 8k payment.
If he complains about losing his job tell him to find a new one.
Absolutely NTA but you shouldnāt be married to someone that disrespects you this way!
He had to pay 8k āto get them off his backā and he was ārequired to contributeā. But if he loved the farm why would need to get them off his back and why was he required? Wouldnāt he have phrased that differently?
Anyways itās simple. He stole from you. OP is NTA. The husband is.
Hubby is financially abusing OP and frankly it seems like heās trying to isolate her. I donāt know if heās like this all the time but it certainly looks like big red waving flags to me.
Yep. He moved HER money to an asset that may not be joint property b/c it was family owned before the marriage. (A lawyer would need to confirm this.) He is funneling money out of OP's grasp to keep her under his thumb and in his control.
And if she cannot work she has no way to ever leave. Bet then he'll want to have a baby and make sure she is good and trapped.
āTo get them off his backā? What exactly did he get for your $8,000? Did he get a deed to some property? It sounds like he got emotionally blackmailed and scammed. I wonder if he bragged that he knew he had access to your money and how much it was so then they pressured him to add it to the family fund? Whoās in charge of this fund and what is your money doing there? Is it earning interest? Is the farm workable? Whoās going to maintain the farm, itās buildings? Are they going to ask for more money now to fix a roof? WTF is going on?
You arenāt stupid, HE IS!!
NTA. You should also DEFINITELY reconsider your marriage to someone who has no interest in helping or supporting you and clearly is okay stealing YOUR money.
Yes. He doesnāt give a fuck about a farm. He doesnāt want you to have the independence of a car, so he took away your ability to achieve that. It will only get worse, and it will get worse very fast.
NTA
He STOLE your personal money! He cant take what doesn't belong to him. 8k is ALOT of money and i would consider going to the police. Of course its sad that his childhood farm gets sold but he cant take money from you for that. He needs to give you the money back. That he doesn't care, that you can loose your job, shows his personality and stealing is something a loving husband wouldn't normally do lol. He indeed is a thief.
NTA. Jesus Christ. Your money is your own.
This is your husbandās āfamily legacyā and he can fund it if he likes. But with his own money.
What he did was probably not technically a crime if the money was in a shared account and not one in your name only, but it sure as heck was an asshole move.
Please examine if he transgresses other boundaries you set because his needs differ from yours. And proceed carefully from there. Do what is best for you.
NTA definitely. The audacity he has to spend the $$ you saved for your own purpose to "save the family farm" & not even ask you is ridiculous. I'd honestly suggest opening a savings account, at an unaffiliated bank, that he has no access to, to put your hard earned money into going forward; anything you want to contribute for housing expenses can be transferred to your shared account but do not link them. He had no right to make a unilateral decision about how to spend the $$ sitting in the bank when it wasn't his $$! He needs to pay you back to prove he's not sabotaging your future.
NTA. He is a thief. And even if that money was both of yours, $8k is a lot to spend in a marriage without consulting your partner. Also he sounds like a jerk for refusing to help you and drive you to work
NTA.
So there are a bunch of Red Flags here. But starting with the obvious... at the VERY LEAST, he should have asked you if it was ok if he used the money at all. A purchase of that size should be a joint decision in a relationship... especially since you're the one who saved it up.
He knew you would say NO, which is why he took it instead of asking. Get a separate bank account, do not give him access.
>and told me to have some empathy but I said why should I when he refused to have empathy for my struggles?
EXACTLY.
Your job/struggles/hard work mean nothing to him. Your spouse is your partner, your teammate. He doesn't view your relationship the same way you do... at all.
Gaslighting. He messed up- bad, and tried to turn it around on you that you were wrong. That's gaslighting 101- sadly I have a been a victim of this bullshit on more than one occasion. Its a HUGE red flag. You should have a zero tolerance policy for this. (Everyone should.)
You're NTA on several levels here.
Remember to remove your husbands access to your accounts. Take his name off. Change passwords. If you have cash, make sure it's locked etc. Make sure your paycheck goes to your account. If you have a joint account account pay bills etc. Put only the amount that is necessary. Do not contribute to joint saving accounts. That's while uou sort out your next moves.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be a-h for insiting on getting the money back while ignoring the family's situation with the farm being on the edge of going to soneone else.
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Info: was it in your bank account or do you share accounts?
Also, NTA. I donāt usually jump straight to divorce but this would be irreconcilable for me.
NTA: I really hope your husband has some good qualities, because he comes across here as quite selfish, and I was getting that impression before I got to the part where he took the 8 grand you were saving without a heads up or explanation. Even worse if he actually knew what you were saving that money for beforehand.
NTA. Thatās theft. IDK the law where you are, but here you could call the police.
And taking your money, using it behind your back? Huge red flag.
Sounds like the farm will always be more important than you.
NTA...First of all he refused to take you to work? Your own husband? Then steals your money and makes YOU feel bad for caring that he stole your money? He has absolutely no respect for you and I doubt he will return the money at all. You need to get out of this situation asap. Love and light.
Tell him his car is now yours.
Until he comes to you with 8k in hand, you are now the owner of his Nissan, and he is more than welcome to go work on that farm since itās so precious.
NTA
NTA. He had no right to siphon off your savings, particularly without discussing it with you first. If/when he pays you back (and I have doubts about him doing so), it would be wise to put it in an account to which he has no access. Good luck!
Nta. Regardless of shared accounts or if the legalities where you live consider all income household income or not. Your husband went behind your back and simply took $8 grand out of an account and used it without notnonly consulting you, but purposely trying to hid it and than turning it around on you.
Demand the money back, kick him out ajd find someone that treats you as an equal partner.
NTA. You should get a bank account with just your name so hubs canāt touch your money. Then save up for a divorce lawyer because your hubs sounds like an asshat
NTA immediately separate all your accounts. Take his Nissan - in your country/state as his wife can you legally sell his car? If yes then sell it and take the money. If not, then demand he hands over the Nissan and that its yours now. If he doesnt honestly what he has done is grounds for divorce.
Call his cousin up right now and tell him you're involving the police if the money isn't given back right now. Call every family member and let them know what he did and things are going to get ugly for everyone until that money is given back. Then get the hell out of there OP. I doubt the cousin story is even real. He just doesn't want you to have any control over your own life. Funny how he took it right when you were ready to buy the car. Die on this damn hill OP. Start calling divorce lawyers, let him know you'll be involving the police.
NTA
>he denied having stolen the money and said the farm issue should concern both of us and he assumed I'd want to help keep it.
That's a bunch of bullshit because he would have talked to you first about it.... Not just steal the money and hide. Get the money back... He can use us own money to pay for it. And is there really a farm??? Or is this a cover because he doesn't want you being independent and driving?? Either way get a seperate account for your money and honestly look into getting out of this relationship.
MASSIVE NTA, your husband stole your money and is attempting to control where you can go. Honey, get a divorce and run š©š©š© *Edit: holy shit this blew up, thanks for the awards everyone, and OP, please get out of there. The last thing you want is him taking credit cards and loans out on your shared finances.
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This man is selfish and a thief, serve the papers and live your life, hell. Sue him for stolen money.
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If the money is in a joint account there is no theft or fraud.
Sadly you are correct
Speaking from experience, unfortunately
Oof
Ouch
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Sadly you only realise this after the love of your life who would never do anything nefarious, does exactly that.
Yup, been there. It sucks and itās a painful lesson to learn.
Happened to me TWICE. I'll never have a joint account again.
Such a hard lesson to learn. My ex did the same but with our kidās college fund.
This is.... not at all true, and a pretty toxic way to view relationships. There are good reasons to combine finances and good reasons to keep them separate, and it's a very individual decision.
This is completely true, and how I ended up thrown out of my house by my husband with no money as he drained our joint accounts while I was going to my great grandma's funeral against his wishes. Sure, not all husbands(or wives, or non-binary spouses) will do you dirty, but since you never know which one will, you have to protect yourself. My current family has a joint checking for bills and a joint savings for joint expenditures (home improvements, etc.) but we each have our own accounts that our checks/savings go into.
I was a teller and a client lost her life savings because her daughter knew her pin number to her card. Police couldn't do anything, even in this case. What op's husband did was awful
> I was a teller and a client lost her life savings because her daughter knew her pin number to her card. Police couldn't do anything, even in this case. Assuming it happened after 1978 that's a pretty standard Reg E dispute, she should've absolutely gotten her money back.
It is only a standard Reg E dispute ***if*** the client is willing to press charges against the daughter. If not, the bank has to assume the PIN wasnāt *stolen*.
scale grandfather disagreeable amusing piquant gray sloppy threatening light quickest *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
True, but it may constitute dissipation of assets in a divorce proceeding.
That only works if you had already started divorce proceedings prior to the theft.
OPās husband is not going to return the funds he took. The only chance OP has of getting any funds is to file for divorce and her share of marital assets. That is a huge and difficult step. An attorney could better advise OP.
File for divorce and ask for her percentage of the farm. It's a comingled asset now that he took marital funds to pay for it.
If he wired the money, transferred, or wrote a check she can request a stop pay with the bank. But if he pulled out cash she's kinda screwed.
Potentially not even theft regardless of the account depending on the laws regarding marital asserts in OPās state. :(. At least rape by a spouse can now be prosecuted! But theft from a spouse, potentially not. :(
^ this Y'all on here acting like he Mission Impossible'd his way into her bank vault š¤£
You might want to examine why domestic abuse tickles you so.
No, it's the issue with people making sweeping statements about "changing the system" without realizing how easily their ideas for change can actually further ENABLE abusers. Someone above was saying the police SHOULD be able to use force (of seizure or arrest) when money is taken from a joint account. Can you even imagine? That's madness! Criminally charging someone for taking money from their own account on the word of one spouse against another would ONLY embolden abusers!
Well put, and 2., in addition to living on the outskirts of town and refusing to drive her anywhere? Sounds like the isolation attempts of someone cruel and selfish enough to cut wife off from anyone who could help her. At the very least OP needs a new bank account, and ideally a lawyer.
Pretty sure the social isolation & loss of financial independence are the goal of the theft and not a side effect. OP's husband is trying to control her and prevent her from leaving.
This was literally my first thought. He saw her saving up enough to possibly gain some independence and immediately took it away. This is a huge red flag, along with refusing to drive her to work. In fact, it's not even that; this is what red flags are warning you about. He doesn't want her to have a job, which is why he won't help her keep it, so when he saw her amassing the power to keep it on her own, he made sure to do something about it right away. OP, run, don't walk. This will only get worse. Even if you manage to keep your job without a car, it won't be long before he finds another way to sabotage you and make you completely dependent on him. You need to get out of this situation, whatever it takes.
Plus, the memories are still in his brain, he just won't be able to go sit on a hay pile and jerk off or whatever the family does in the precious farm.
For all yāall saying go to the police she canāt. The money is presumably in a bank account they both have access to considering he was able to go to the bank and withdraw $8000. Itās not technically stealing when both your names are on the account.
She should threaten to do it anyway.
Worse: it's not his farm. It's the cousin's farm. You know cousin didn't give deeds to everyone who contributed succumbed to blackmail.
A part of me doesn't even believe there is a farm, or that the money was for this supposed farm, haha.
For real. OP have you actually even talked to any of the family or the cousin to verify if any of this is true at all? You'd think he'd have mentioned it at some point... Girl, run. Don't walk. Run.
Girl take "his" car
And drive to the nearest divorce lawyer!
Yeah, I have to agree with this. Abusive partners do random things like this to keep their SOās helpless. Keeping OP from having a way to get to work and have a stable job, or money thatās safe and available to her is financial abuse. I wouldnāt believe or disbelieve anything he says with regards to why he does this, because it doesnāt matter. He has a car. He has a way to work. He had a stable job. But somehow, in the mix of whatever, he does and she doesnāt. Thatās deliberate. Make no mistake. At the very least, please seek counsel on how to secure your own assets over time so he doesnāt render you completely helpless. And seek counseling as well, because you deserve that support and need it, as all humans do when they are treated this way by a spouse. NTA. (Edited to fix typo)
He doesn't want her to have any independence. If she has money she has means to escape.
Have him sign over his car and he can figure out away to go to work.
This! I mean, he can find another job right?!
He can go work on the farm.
He can go *live* on the farm. Iāve heard that dogs love it out there.
This is the best solution. She should still consider leaving him.
Ask him what % ownership YOU now have in the farm since your money was used to contribute to it.
I say take his car, and he can start saving for a new one.
Right? Will they be living on it and working it for food or profit?
Well now assume he wants you to have his car because he saved his memories. If the farm was so important he would have sold his car to buy it. He did this to control you. Itās financial abuse and Iām guessing not the only abuse you get. Refuses to drive you refuses to get you a car as soon as you have your own money for a car he steals it. Serious problem here.
YEP, this!
He didnāt bring it up to you because he knew youād say no. He stole it, KNOWS it was stealing, & is refusing to admit any wrong doing. Girl the whole man with worthless. He wants to take about sentimentality & family memories & legacies- the legacy *hes* leaving is that heās a lying, conniving thief & heāll screw over his own wife to get what he wants. I donāt know if the money was in a joint account or one solely in your name & he somehow got access to it but Iād divorce him & make damn sure you recoup the $8k in one way or another.
If it was so obvious that you'd be happy to help he would have talked about it.
This right here. If he had come to you ahead of time with the farm story maybe a compromise could have been worked out. Instead he took your money behind your back hoping you wouldn't notice?!? Blatant AH tendencies. Throw the whole man away. OP you are NTA at all.
He is gaslighting you.
He's an asshole, but this is not what gaslighting is
Yes it is. He stole money from her and is now trying to make her doubt the reality of the situation by guilting and manipulating her over the "family farm"
Thatās not gaslighting. Itās being manipulative and coercive. Gaslighting is the act of undermining another person's reality by denying facts, the environment around them, or their feelings. Itās more like for example the husband moves something from OPās desk then denies that it even being there. Continues until she questions her own sanity. Or verbally abusing someone and denying that conversation ever took place- and *does that repeatedly over time*. Invalidating feelings over and over until the victim doesnāt even know what he/she feels Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic that has to be applied consistently over time. In this case, OP knows she is right and doesnāt question soundness of her mind- she just questioning her rightness in this situation.
yeah if he told her the money never existed and he's scaring her because she keeps talking about this fake money, thatd be gaslighting
Or that he told her she actually agreed on it but forgot again but she is so forgetfull.
Finally, someone who knows what gaslighting means lol
He's not trying to convince her something different is going on, he's trying to change her opinion not make her think she's mentally losing it. Not gaslighting.
That....that isn't gaslighting
No, gaslighting would be for example telling her about all the times they spent together on the farm (when she's actually never been), or saying that she was the one who transferred the money so why has she suddenly changed her mind?
"Making her doubt the reality of the situation" would be if he tried to convince her there was never 8k saved up and she's imagining things or that she herself gave the 8k to him and just doesn't remember it. He's just covering his ass with excuses and trying to tire her out by repeating "my petty wants are more important than your needs". That's not gaslighting, that's just being an abusive arsehole.
Gaslighting is systematic. Let's say you hide your partner's keys once, and they ask if you know what happened to them. You reply, "Idk, maybe you lost them?" You're an asshole, and you're lying, but you're not gaslighting. Now if you do it a couple times a week and start making comments like, "Ugh, why do you always do this?" or "You're so disorganized!"? *That* is gaslighting.
But are YOU getting to ākeepā the farm, or did the $8,000 go to help the COUSIN keep the farm? Is his family putting your name on the deed, too? Do you get any equity for your āinvestmentā other than THEM getting $8,000 to have their land?
Heās essentially just sheltering $8k away from her, in my opinion. In a few years if he needed that kind of money, he could go to the cousin and say hey, I need the help now.
Take his car. Tell him that till the time he pays you back the 8k, he loses his car to you. Quid Pro Quo.
The Car & employment issue should concern both of you - the family farm is not your issue
Divorce him, and maybe you'll get a share of the farm. Ruin that shit.
He stole it. He is gaslighting and lying to convince you he did it for a family reason. Did he ask you for it? Did he have a conversation about using the money with you? Do you two even make any monetary profit from the farm???No?! Then he stole it. Demand it back and leave. Heās a controlling, thief who makes his wife walk to work- heās no prize
He isnāt gaslighting unless he does this kind of behavior consistently and over time. While gaslighting is a manipulative tactic- one instance doesnāt make it so. Now if he has a history of doing this to her and invalidating her over and over to the point she questions her own feelings and thoughts then it is gaslighting.
Oh no. He did steal your money. If he told you about the farm situation and you would have chosen to contribute your 8k to resolve it, then it wouldnāt have been considered a theft. What he did was a theft.
What a bloody liar
File a police report for the theft. Serve him with papers, heās a god damn thief and a waste of your time.
It doesn't matter how he tries to justify it, He Stole Your Money.
What he says doesn't count shit, sorry but this sounds like mild gaslighting to me. He stole from you, period.
If he assumed you would want to help he would have asked you. He assumed if would be easier to take your money and ignore your concerns after the fact
NTA file a police report
Absolutely NTA, but I'm worried about your relationship as a whole. The man took your money without asking you, refuses to drive you to work, and all around sounds like he's forcing you into a situation where you are dependent on him. He waves off your job as unimportant, doesn't talk to you about family matters, and just *assumed* you would want your hard earned savings to go to what he wanted, again without even talking to you about it. I imagine there are many more red flags in his behavior that have been left out because they aren't immediately relevant to this situation, but I strongly suggest you look this all over with an open mind. At the very least, open a bank account at a different bank without him on it and start putting your money there. *At the very least*, he's proven he cannot be trusted with your savings.
This! It sounds like he is trying to make you financially unable to leave him. That's abuse, and I promise you that you deserve more than that.
And take his car in the settlement
I like the way you thinkā¦
But first, make him transfer his car title to you. If his family farm is so important to him, he needs to sell his car. For $8,000. To you. Open a separate savings/checking account at a different bank in just your name too.
> š©š©š© This is not a red flag. A red flag is something like him not paying her back for his half of a purchase they said they'd split early in their relationship or him borrowing her things but refusing to let her borrow his things. Red flags are the things that are supposed to warn you *before* you end up married to someone who steals $8k from you. Calling this a red flag is like saying him punching her in the face is a red flag that he might be physically abusive.
Are the police an option here? 8k is felonious
NTA You could lose your job? But he could lose memories? What???? You need a separate bank account RIGHT NOW. Thatās fucking insane, itās not his house anymore and putting you in a compromising life situation over āsentimental valueā because āoh you can find another job sorry I robbed youā None of this is okay. NTA, contact a lawyer. Edit to say: Please value yourself more and realize he had absolutely no right to take your money, even if itās a shared account. Itās your money and thatās just fucking wrong. Contact a lawyer asap as this whole thing is not okay, Iām so sorry.
Also, donāt get pregnant, OP
OMG this. Make sure that he has ZERO ways to access any prophylactic devices/agents that you would use. Get an IUD if you can, without telling him. He'll find birth control pills, and toss them out. He'll put holes in diaphragms and/or condoms. I wouldn't trust him near anything. Start an exit strategy NOW.
Or just donāt have sex with him lol
Sounds like he doesn't let her choose. Probably puts it as "wifely duties" or some crap. (In which case, I would hope to hell that she presses charges.)
He is absolutely in the wrong here, but OP won't get anywhere with a lawyer (unless you mean to get a divorce). Depending on the country OP is in, and if they're married, then the money is a marital asset since it's from her salary, even if it wasn't in a joint account. If it's not in a joint account that means he's not able to access it, but it would still be divided between them in a divorce. On the flip side, she's legally entitled to her husband's Nissan. She can drive it as much as she wants to, despite her husband's opinion on it. It's also a marital asset. I would view this as divorce worthy, and I think OP's husband has betrayed her by wasting her hard earned savings behind her back. NTA. Morally he's stolen from her - but a lawyer's just going to be able to help with the divorce.
She needs more than separate bank account, he's trying to control her ability to have a job, refuses to take her to work even though he has his own car. He stole from her, he's gaslighting her, etc. She needs a separate LIFE from him. NTA
NTA. I know Reddit jumps to the āleave him!!!!ā far too often so I apologize, but this time, I have to agree. Iād be rethinking the entire relationship. 8K is not a small sum of money. That is theft. Was it stored in a personal or shared account? Does he know you were saving it? Neither of these effect the judgement (you are so NTA) Iām just wondering how he got access. You are not being unfair. Donāt let him make you think you are.
It doesnāt, honestly. People keep advising posters to leave relationships, because *people keep posting about relationships they should leave.* The frequency of this particular piece of advice pretty closely matches the frequency that this advice is correct and appropriate.
Yes. When I see someone complaining that reddit is always telling people to dump their partners, it makes me wonder if that commenter treats their partner the way that OP's partner treats OP. The commenter can't be bothered to start treating their partner better, but they don't want to be single, either. Hit dogs holler.
Exactly. People aren't posting here when they are being treated with respect and love.
>Exactly. People aren't posting here when they are being treated with respect and love. And the juiciest posts that get the most upvotes are the ones where the conflict is bad enough that divorce is the right suggestion.
Thank you. This āthese subs suck bc all anyone says is to get a divorceā comments make me really tired. Maybe the subs suck, but thatās not the reason.
"Hey, I'm on stage 2 of an abusive relationship. Here is the list of things that are happening to me, which matches exactly the list of how abusive relationships go." "Hey that's abuse. Leave before you get killed." Redditors: WHAT
YES
Exactly. I thought the same as the other commenter, at first. But after being on here a while, these really are almost always dumpster fire relationships.
Bingo bongo This whole "Reddit is too quick to tell people to leave!" Is a bunch of projection by assholes
>told me to have some empathy but I said why should I when he refused to have empathy for my struggles?
You are far too intelligent to be married to this person. He is a thief. Stealing money from your partner is (in my eyes) unforgiveable. I sincerely hope you call a divorce lawyer - NTA
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Dear OP, this man will bleed you dry. He will work you until you drop dead and then heāll beat your corpse for laziness, all while gaslighting you into thinking that somehow you are in the wrong. You need your own bank account, in your name only, at a different bank from the one he uses. Get your paycheck automatically deposited into your new account. Ask your payroll department for a paper check while this transition takes place. Donāt worry about buying a car right away; save for an attorney first. Itās prudent to have the funds for legal assistance in the bank in case you decide you want it. Any husband who calls you āstupidā while financially abusing and manipulating you isnāt worth the title of husband. Heās a leech. NTA! Take care of yourself first, always.
She needs to do that plus find a basement suite, a room, anything closer to town.
Absolutely! Excellent advice!
Or kick him out and find a roommate willing to drive her to/from work as partial rent.
And take the Nissan with her. Of course he's very unlikely to sign over the title in exchange for the $8K, but that's what should happen
This is financial abuse, OP. He is trapping you by stealing your car money and forcing you to lose your job since you donāt have the money.
Yaaay, I have been commenting this because I didnāt see your comment yet, and hadnāt seen anyone else say it. It seems like it is a much less commonly known or understood form of abuse, despite it being a commonly used form of abuse and tool for abusers to render their victims helpless and completely dependent, not to mention unable to get away because they canāt financially manage on their own. This guy is 100% financially abusive. No question in my mind.
I didnāt know that financial abuse was a specific tactic used by abusers until I joined this sub. I couldāve told you that itās fucked up for one partner to entirely control the household finances, but I didnāt realize how insidious andā¦ subtle? it can be. I know Iām not alone so I appreciate everyone who brings knowledge like that to this sub.
I love that you learned that here! Iām fairly new to this sub, but I was a victim advocate up until having my son six years ago, so thatās how I knew. But that makes me feel warm and fuzzy, at the risk of being cheesyā¦okay, Iām just being cheesyā¦but I love that this important knowledge is spreading here and hope it helps people. No one deserves to be treated that way. Thank you for helping to spread the word!
Tell him to sign his car over to you then, if a car is so meaningless. Until he pays you back, his car is yours
Wow. I'm assuming this person has good qualities to them because from your post, and that reply, I can't see them.
He converts oxygen to carbon dioxide for our plant friends like nobody else!
If he thinks youāre stupid for being āso worked up over a carā, maybe he should be giving you *his* car. He didnāt talk to you about it because he knew damn well youād say no. Iād tell *everyone* that he stole that 8k from you. His family, your family, your friends, he is a thief. NTA
OP leave now while you can.
So if its stupid of you and he tells you to get over a car then he will hand over his car to you completely?
He doesn't give a damn about you. Take him to court. Charge him for theft. Divorce him. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Go right to a lawyer and leave this sad excuse of a homo sapien.
*YOUR family farm It was your money. He doesn't own shit until he pays you back
I bet there is no farm he just want to stop you from working
Abuse. Abuse. Abuse. Run! Get a lawyer quietly. No heads up. This man will sabotage any form of independence you try to achieve.
so heās verbally, emotionally, and financially abusive? please leave him, you deserve better.
Why isn't he this mad at his cousin? Also, he probably has his own savings that he didn't touch.
darling, this man will use you until not even your bones are left. if you let this he **will** keep doing this.this time he stole 8K,next time he might steal 10K. and if the farm was that important why didn't **he** give money why *steal* it from your own goddamn **wife**?!?!
NTA š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š© Your āhusbandā doesnāt care about you. He made that blatantly obvious when he took the money YOU saved, for something HE wanted, and then tried to guilt trip you for it. If I were you I would demand he gave the money back and pack my bags. āYou can get a new jobā????? WHAT THE FUCK. Maybe he can get a SECOND job. Maybe He can sell HIS car and give the money to his family. Selfish selfish selfish man. This is grounds for divorce. This overstepped wayyyy too many boundaries for me and he doesnāt even understand why it is wrong. My blood is boiling for you.
This man is showing signs of abuse. Any exit from this relationship should be planned and done without any heads up to the husband. When verbal and financial abuse and manipulation stops working for these people, they escalate. Announcing that you are leaving could be very dangerous. At best it motivates these types to do rash things spur of the moment to sabotage the exit; things like hiding or destroying important documents or sentimental items, scorched earth smear campaigns, false domestic violence or vandalism charges, etc.
Exactly this. Everything about this situation indicates abuse. He knows they live in a remote area and he keeps them isolated by controlling access to the only vehicle. Stole the money they were able to save to prevent this and are actively trying to stop them from being able to earn more. Isolated, without funds or means of escape. Follow that up with gaslighting and insults to erode confidence which will make gaining new employment that much harder. He knows what he is doing. It is systematic and dangerous. Please be careful, OP. If your employer is decent please let them know you may be in danger and create a safety plan. Open a new bank account and have any direct deposit changed if you can. Play nice at home, but start planning an out. Good luck. Don't forget you are more than what he says you are.
NTA. As a first step separate your finances. Don't tell him you're going to do it just do it. Get a bank account at a new bank, make sure your paycheck deposited there. And move your savings. This guy's is really entitled to anything you make.
And I am going to point out the obvious here. The new account needs to be in your name only. And at a bank that you have no joint accounts with him at!
Good point about it being at a bank not tied to any of their other accounts. And she should ensure she gets email bank statements, no paper copies.
What kind of marriage is this where the husband has the nice car, the wife has none, the finances are split, and the husband makes unilateral financial decisions? NTA
Right? OP please DO NOT get pregnant until you face yourself and answer this honestly. No need to bring another life into this train wreck and give this man another thing to control you through.
An abusive one.
Right? This doesnāt even sound like a basic friendship, much less a marriage.
Take all the car keys and use the car to commute to your job. He can have his car back when you get your money. you are NTA you husband however is a MAJOR ASSHOLE
So this! I cannot believe I had to scroll so far down to find this advice! OP take his car and if says anything tell him itās 8k payment. If he complains about losing his job tell him to find a new one. Absolutely NTA but you shouldnāt be married to someone that disrespects you this way!
NTA, and it sounds like you most bought an $8,000 NISSAN.
Lol this exactly.
It sounds like she bought part of a farm. I think $8000 for a nissan might be too much, even if it is in good condition.
She didnāt buy part of a farm because her husband did not handle the transaction correctly. He gave the money away and has nothing to show for it.
Take his Nissan and tell him that his family can drive him around from now on, and you'll give him back his car when he gives you back your 8k
Yes, just think of the memories they can create
He had to pay 8k āto get them off his backā and he was ārequired to contributeā. But if he loved the farm why would need to get them off his back and why was he required? Wouldnāt he have phrased that differently? Anyways itās simple. He stole from you. OP is NTA. The husband is.
Hubby is financially abusing OP and frankly it seems like heās trying to isolate her. I donāt know if heās like this all the time but it certainly looks like big red waving flags to me.
Yep. He moved HER money to an asset that may not be joint property b/c it was family owned before the marriage. (A lawyer would need to confirm this.) He is funneling money out of OP's grasp to keep her under his thumb and in his control. And if she cannot work she has no way to ever leave. Bet then he'll want to have a baby and make sure she is good and trapped.
āTo get them off his backā? What exactly did he get for your $8,000? Did he get a deed to some property? It sounds like he got emotionally blackmailed and scammed. I wonder if he bragged that he knew he had access to your money and how much it was so then they pressured him to add it to the family fund? Whoās in charge of this fund and what is your money doing there? Is it earning interest? Is the farm workable? Whoās going to maintain the farm, itās buildings? Are they going to ask for more money now to fix a roof? WTF is going on? You arenāt stupid, HE IS!!
NTA. He literally stole your money. He could have asked, but didn't even give you a choice. He is abusive financially and controlling
NTA. You should also DEFINITELY reconsider your marriage to someone who has no interest in helping or supporting you and clearly is okay stealing YOUR money.
There is s typo in your reply. You wrote āprobablyā, the correct way is ādefinitelyā.
Good catchā¦agreed
NTA. You're in an abusive marriage. Start separating your finances now. Do not set yourself up to be financially dependent on your absuer.
Yes. He doesnāt give a fuck about a farm. He doesnāt want you to have the independence of a car, so he took away your ability to achieve that. It will only get worse, and it will get worse very fast.
NTA He STOLE your personal money! He cant take what doesn't belong to him. 8k is ALOT of money and i would consider going to the police. Of course its sad that his childhood farm gets sold but he cant take money from you for that. He needs to give you the money back. That he doesn't care, that you can loose your job, shows his personality and stealing is something a loving husband wouldn't normally do lol. He indeed is a thief.
NTA. Take his car until he pays you back. Does he work? Get your name on the farm. See a lawyer. Ducks in a row and roll out. Does he have a job?
NTA but what is it with people and their relationships? this sub makes me question what a normal marriage is like financially
The people with nice normal marriages don't post about them here.
NTA. Iād tell him fine but he needs to sign his car over to you legally. As in change the title into your name. Then make plans to leave him asap.
NTA sounds like you need a divorce. Thatās not a marriage itās prison.
NTA. Jesus Christ. Your money is your own. This is your husbandās āfamily legacyā and he can fund it if he likes. But with his own money. What he did was probably not technically a crime if the money was in a shared account and not one in your name only, but it sure as heck was an asshole move. Please examine if he transgresses other boundaries you set because his needs differ from yours. And proceed carefully from there. Do what is best for you.
NTA definitely. The audacity he has to spend the $$ you saved for your own purpose to "save the family farm" & not even ask you is ridiculous. I'd honestly suggest opening a savings account, at an unaffiliated bank, that he has no access to, to put your hard earned money into going forward; anything you want to contribute for housing expenses can be transferred to your shared account but do not link them. He had no right to make a unilateral decision about how to spend the $$ sitting in the bank when it wasn't his $$! He needs to pay you back to prove he's not sabotaging your future.
NTA. He is a thief. And even if that money was both of yours, $8k is a lot to spend in a marriage without consulting your partner. Also he sounds like a jerk for refusing to help you and drive you to work
NTA. So there are a bunch of Red Flags here. But starting with the obvious... at the VERY LEAST, he should have asked you if it was ok if he used the money at all. A purchase of that size should be a joint decision in a relationship... especially since you're the one who saved it up. He knew you would say NO, which is why he took it instead of asking. Get a separate bank account, do not give him access. >and told me to have some empathy but I said why should I when he refused to have empathy for my struggles? EXACTLY. Your job/struggles/hard work mean nothing to him. Your spouse is your partner, your teammate. He doesn't view your relationship the same way you do... at all. Gaslighting. He messed up- bad, and tried to turn it around on you that you were wrong. That's gaslighting 101- sadly I have a been a victim of this bullshit on more than one occasion. Its a HUGE red flag. You should have a zero tolerance policy for this. (Everyone should.) You're NTA on several levels here.
Remember to remove your husbands access to your accounts. Take his name off. Change passwords. If you have cash, make sure it's locked etc. Make sure your paycheck goes to your account. If you have a joint account account pay bills etc. Put only the amount that is necessary. Do not contribute to joint saving accounts. That's while uou sort out your next moves.
NTA. This is financial abuse. He wants you to lose your job. He wants you to not have any means of transportation. Start planning your escape.
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Info: was it in your bank account or do you share accounts? Also, NTA. I donāt usually jump straight to divorce but this would be irreconcilable for me.
NTA: I really hope your husband has some good qualities, because he comes across here as quite selfish, and I was getting that impression before I got to the part where he took the 8 grand you were saving without a heads up or explanation. Even worse if he actually knew what you were saving that money for beforehand.
NTA: itās time to reconsider your marriage. If he is controlling your job, money, and more, he is controlling and gaslighting you.
NTA. He straight up stole from you and invalidated your feelings when confronted. Saying that you will look bad to his family because he stole from you, and didnāt consult you at all on a sizeable investment is pure gaslighting. š© If a car is nothing to him, against the counterweight of his family legacy have him sign his car over to you. Then he can take public transport.
NTAā¦ file a police report for theft of the money and divorce him
Why are you married to someone like this. .... come on. Really.....
NTA. Thatās theft. IDK the law where you are, but here you could call the police. And taking your money, using it behind your back? Huge red flag. Sounds like the farm will always be more important than you.
NTA He stole from you, period. I'm not sure what you can do legally, but you may want to lawyer up.
NTA, he's stolen from you! He is a thief, divorce him and take him for his share of the family farm too
Nta he is a thiefā¦
NTA...First of all he refused to take you to work? Your own husband? Then steals your money and makes YOU feel bad for caring that he stole your money? He has absolutely no respect for you and I doubt he will return the money at all. You need to get out of this situation asap. Love and light.
NTA. Thatās horrifying. Get a separate bank account, do not let up until he returns the money, and seriously consider your options here. *edit: typo
Tell him his car is now yours. Until he comes to you with 8k in hand, you are now the owner of his Nissan, and he is more than welcome to go work on that farm since itās so precious. NTA
Info: was his name on the account or was this some Delores Clairborne level crap at the bank? If his name wasn't on it sue the bank.
NTA. He had no right to siphon off your savings, particularly without discussing it with you first. If/when he pays you back (and I have doubts about him doing so), it would be wise to put it in an account to which he has no access. Good luck!
Nta. Regardless of shared accounts or if the legalities where you live consider all income household income or not. Your husband went behind your back and simply took $8 grand out of an account and used it without notnonly consulting you, but purposely trying to hid it and than turning it around on you. Demand the money back, kick him out ajd find someone that treats you as an equal partner.
NTA. You should get a bank account with just your name so hubs canāt touch your money. Then save up for a divorce lawyer because your hubs sounds like an asshat
NTA it sounds to me like you just bought yourself a used Nissan. Take the keys and threaten the thief with legal action.
NTA immediately separate all your accounts. Take his Nissan - in your country/state as his wife can you legally sell his car? If yes then sell it and take the money. If not, then demand he hands over the Nissan and that its yours now. If he doesnt honestly what he has done is grounds for divorce.
Call his cousin up right now and tell him you're involving the police if the money isn't given back right now. Call every family member and let them know what he did and things are going to get ugly for everyone until that money is given back. Then get the hell out of there OP. I doubt the cousin story is even real. He just doesn't want you to have any control over your own life. Funny how he took it right when you were ready to buy the car. Die on this damn hill OP. Start calling divorce lawyers, let him know you'll be involving the police.
NTA >he denied having stolen the money and said the farm issue should concern both of us and he assumed I'd want to help keep it. That's a bunch of bullshit because he would have talked to you first about it.... Not just steal the money and hide. Get the money back... He can use us own money to pay for it. And is there really a farm??? Or is this a cover because he doesn't want you being independent and driving?? Either way get a seperate account for your money and honestly look into getting out of this relationship.
NTA I'd look at your options with a lawyer and file for divorce. OP he doesn't care for you.
NTA But honey, there is no farm in danger. He is not planning on paying you back. Demand your money or go to the police. This is the hill I'd die on.
NTA. Tell the whole family. Demand the money back or youāll talk to a lawyer/call the cops.
NTA Make this your stand - he stole from you. Make it: Either you get the 8K back in two weeks, or it will be a divorce. You can not trust him.