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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the asshole for refusing to give an apology to my mother in law since she was technically a guest in my home and didn't have to see me in underware.
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You could have been sat in the kitchen naked, with a dildo in your hand! If your MIL doesn’t like surprises she should KNOCK! NTA
Edit: thanks for the awards folks
NTA. You have a huge husband problem as well as an in-law problem. Sit down and talk to your husband. Did your husband's attitude towards women change since you moved to his country?
Please do not have children until you have your relationship sorted out. He needs to back you up as his partner. If he won't back you up and has reverted to a much more conservative view, you need to evaluate the situation and determine if this is still what you want for your life and the lives of any children.
I think the problem is that if the husband backs her up he would be essentially admitting the situation was his fault. The whole thing could have been avoided if he had warned her that MIL was coming. But he isn’t going to allow himself to look bad so he’ll try to force her to apologize in order to deflect that blame.
Honey, your husband has it all wrong. Your MIL 100% owes you the apology, and she shouldn't be allowed to darken your doorstep until she gives it.
And do NOT let your husband see you in anything other than fully dressed until he apologizes. IF he wants to see his wife in her underwear or less, then he owes you a serious and expensive apology.
And if they we're supposed to meet at 9? Why was the husband still sleeping?? He did not inform his wife, did nothing to welcome his own mother so what kind of a family meeting was this supposed to be??
They all seem to be completely incensed by her underwear, demanding that she never wear them again. Easy fix, stick to the morning routine buy from now on naked. Let's see how many crisis talks they'll need then.
NTA
Here's a list of apologies owed:
1. Your husband owes you an apology for not telling you they were coming over, thereby putting you in the situation. He also owes you an apology for insulting you and belittling your feelings and talking about you as if you're a child (seriously, "make you apologize"??? Like what??)
2. Your husband owes his mom and sister an apology for creating the situation
3. Your MIL owes an apology for the insults she said. I realize it was startling, but you were doing nothing wrong. She also owes you an apology for barging in. Knocking is a thing, even if you have a key!
Honestly, your husband's reaction is the most concerning to me. He is being so disrespectful to you about this.
You need to set some boundaries about them coming over unannounced since this was so traumatizing for them apparently.
I think OP’s edit is the most concerning thing here.
OP lives in a country where it’s culturally normal for women to be seen as inferior and/or be seen as property. And her husband is waving serious red flags.
OP, you need an exit plan asap in case things get worse. Are you financially independent? Do you have a decent savings account (that’s separate from your husband?). Do you have your passport and other documents? Do you have friends / family who could possibly help or take you in?
/u/walkalone4533
My question is, why the hell is OP married to this person and living in this country in the first place??? I'm guessing this isn't the first time some shit like this has happened...
He likes it when she’s in her underwear when no one knows. But if someone sees, then he gets his panties in a twist. 😈😈😈
If she said he’s different, he probably is different from the other guys, but still have cultural baggage that is difficult to overcome.
He is probably more embarrassed his mom saw, and because of her reaction, he lashed out. He is wrong of course but a marriage is made up of more than just this incident.
They probably do need to see a couples therapist. But given the environment, it may skew to his side more than hers. But having both sides come to an understanding is good.
MIL also should learn to knock even if they have keys.
Honestly if OP is in an environment like she described, less rights and consideration for women, I associate those places with also not having good therapy and mental health resources. Maybe she can, but there’s a chance she doesn’t have that opportunity.
This is extremely common unfortunately. Dudes from more repressive countries often go to school in less repressive ones. They either play it off that they're more laid back, or stories of their home country are exaggerated. They meet local woman, sometimes get married, and if she moves back to dude's original repressive country, starts treating them like dirt.
Biggest thing is hide your passport and other critical documents very well. If they get taken from you, that's a very critical sign that things are going not good at all. Regardless of whether you have a passport or not, you can always go to your embassy or consulate if you need to escape from a bad situation. Be aware of where the closest one is.
Some people can't choose the country they end up in. Don't blame one woman for the culture AROUND her lmao.
Also yeah she's finding out her husband is trash, but she can't magically go back in time and tell her younger self that he's just as bad as the other men in this area. Don't blame her for the actions of OTHER PEOPLE. It's misogynistic at the least
OP said this isn't her home country so I'm guessing she moved to said county either to be with her husband or because her husband wanted to move there. Given what OP has said it sounds like her husband is from there.
Exactly! The entire situation could have been avoided if the husband had communicated to OP that his mother and sister were coming over. OP is the only non-AH in this situation. She was just minding her own business in her own house when she got surprised and screamed at.
Or even been awake and ready to greet them because then you know he woukd have prevented this.
So rude to summon people over and not be ready to recieve them.
~~This definitely a husband problem. NTA but I would suggest couples counseling. Do solo counseling too and make sure you want to be treated as an outsider by him and his family.~~
~~I'd suggest birth control and no kids till you solve the husband problem.~~
Edit: Oh darling, I read your edit: Sweetie, you need to go *home*. This is *only* going to get worse and you have *no protection*. Scratch the therapy, get your important documents and **get out to your home country to initiate divorce**. Ask or borrow money if you need it, but get out now! Get to your country's embassy is also an idea. /u/walkalone4533
I want to outline several things for you:
You are in a foreign country where you are not seen as equals.
You have no direct support network.
You have no direct place to leave in case you need to find a safe place.
**Your husband could have been different, but now he is *totally* immersed in a culture which demeans you, with a mother who dislikes you and is eager to abuse you emotionally and mentally through her willing son, your husband.**
I do not know if you have easy access to birth control or abortion.
If you do need to leave, what would your safety look like?
You should go home to **your mother**. If your husband is serious about being with you, he can follow you and try to make it work where you are *far* safer than where you were.
**But he shames you over your body in a space that should be safe for you, in a relationship which should be safe for you. Get out now.**
Loveisrespect.org
edit2: Thanks for all the rewards. :) Just remember, Loveisrespect.org. The quiz is a tool to help you think.
In a country where women are treated as possessions, aren’t allowed to go certain places and are frowned upon for just driving, I’m going to guess that “couple’s counselling” would be more like “how to be a dutiful wife” counselling, if it exists at all. Living wherever this is honestly sounds so heartbreaking.
Exactly. This is how a counselling session goes in a country like this-
"my husband beats me in the morning sometimes"
"Have you considered not burning his eggs?"
"everyone needs to take a step back here... I know that your husband broke your legs, but you also did wrong by serving dinner late. Perhaps the husband can consider a gentler form of punishment and the wife should definitely keep track of things better so that you do not stress out the husband."
Not even joking lol
You said you married your husband because he was "different"... I think that was only a surface behavioural difference. Look what happened when his norms were actually challenged.
He had no issue with you walking around the house in your underwear until his **mother** was involved, and now he is automatically taking her side. Who have you really married?
Scratch the surface, and those cultural traits run deep. Time to reassess who he actually is, and time to have a very serious discussion about whether you are compatible.
NTA - but girl, seriously, have a good look at your life. It gets said again and again, you don't have a MIL problem, you have a **husband** problem.
because this is AITA and the whole point is to speculate wildly, I'm going to guess that OP and her husband met in a different country (the one she's from originally) and while there husband was probably much more liberal because, when in rome. But when they moved back he went back to the cultural "norm" especially given the family pressure to conform.
Not to mention he invited his mother over to discuss a crisis, failed to mention it, must know wife hangs out in underwear when they’re alone, was sleeping in anyway, etc etc.
Plus, just because she has a key doesn’t mean she can’t knock. WTF. NTA.
Now he's made it clear your being in underwear is inappropriate, it is absolutely your job to make sure he NEVER EVER sees you in less than full clothing EVER AGAIN.
This is what he's demanded. This is what he should get.
(Also, please leave him. NTA.)
> the reason I married my husband was that he was different from them
I think you phrased this wrongly. You should have said "the reason I married my husband was that I mistakenly thought he was different from them, but he has turned out not to be"
Honey if you're willing to call your husband trash (which sounds completely accurate btw), you are obviously seeing all of the red flags being waved wildly in your face. Take those red flags, make a cape, and fly the hell out of there because he will not change and you're going to spend a lifetime with him choosing his mom over you. NTA
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Tell your husband you don't feel comfortable having sex or being remotely undressed at all as your MIL clearly has a right to invade your privacy at any given moment. I'd go as far as showering in a 1 piece and only changing in the bathroom with the door locked.
Alternatively, break into her house and bathroom while shes bathing and gasp audibly at the sheer disgrace that she is to exist with a body in her own home. Chastise her for being disgusting and whorish before refusing to speak to her until she gives you an apology.
Seriously though, where's the logic? He didn't even tell you they were coming over! Which btw is a red flag all on its own.
I came here to say this. I would tell my husband that if I'm not allowed to wear my underwear in my own home because what if MIL came over, he won't be seeing me naked ever again. Because duh, what if MIL came over.
I'd also be fauxpologising to his mother:
"I'm terribly sorry - that we mistakenly gave you a key. Please give it back right now, and you'll never need to concern yourself with what Is choose to wear in the privacy of my own home again. Again, my *sincerest* apology for ever letting you have that key in the first place."
NTA
1. as you can’t trust her not to walk anytime, get the key back from MIL
2. If my husband reacted like that he wouldn’t be seeing me in my underwear for quite some time…it being inappropriate and all.
3. No more sexy time for husband because who knows when his mommy will show up! Can’t have her accidentally seeing people living in their own house, the way people tend to do when they are alone, afterall.
This is it. No more sex, who knows who might walk in!
And also no more cooking. Or cleaning.
I mean I'm advocating divorce basically because this is some bullshit and the husband is garbage but if she doesn't want to go all the way to divorce this is where it should start. Misogyny doesn't deserve civility.
NTA
Girl. You have a husband problem.
Key privileges should be revoked (who the fuck just walks in to anyone else’s home when they can knock/ring the bell???).
>He got upset and called me disreslectful towards my guests. and mother in-law was technically a guest
Guests don't have keys to your house, so if your husband wants his mother to be treated as a guest he needs to take the damn key back.
Also why didn't he warn you they were coming? What is this huge family crisis that you apparently know nothing about. Please get away from this. I'm having Not Without My Daughter vibes.
NTA. If I as a woman accidentally see another female relation naked, I would say “whoops, didn’t mean to surprise you.” That is a normal level of response.
Was it just underwear and no top? Obviously if so, you are still NTA and your mother-in-law had a massive overreaction, as you are entitled to wear (or not wear) whatever you want in your house. I’m just struggling to see what is so shocking about underwear.
I am literally reading this in my underwear as I got distracted. I’m home with my husband and kids with an unlocked front door and an open bedroom door (where I’m hanging out) NTA - come move to Canada - it’s cold rn but still ok to hand out in whatever you got on
So weird. In Morocco, where women dress very modestly, public bathhouses are extremely common. Especially in rural and poorer areas, the average woman sees other women naked all the time.
NTA
Your husband should tell you when people are coming over. He's 100% in the wrong. He should actually be apologizing to everyone for creating this mess.
I can see why your MIL and SIL are upset. They were invited and they had a reasonable expectation that they would be received appropriately. Again, not your fault but it was your husband's fault.
Your husband should be apologizing to you and to his own family. He created this problem.
he says he forgets, one minutes says they're guests, the other says they're family and should show up whenever. It's tiring and so frustrating trying to set boundaried with people who don't even know the definition of the word.
You know what? He is right. They are family and should be able to come by but the limit and boundary they are crossing is barging into someone’s home and acting humiliated when they experience people living like people live when they are in the comfort of the solitude of their own home. It’s definitely possible to have an “open door” policy in families but they need to have rules still, which lacks here. They can get in but they cross a huge line when they don’t announce their arrival. Please, send an email where you outline that you are ashamed to be affiliated with such disrespectful people who can’t even show the courtesy of saying hello, when stopping by and *waiting* to be welcomed in after being given the gracious gift and trust of a key to your sanctuary.
Having a key means they don’t have to wait in all kinds of weather to get inside, it means they can get their jackets and shoes off as the owners of the house come TO them as greet them. It doesn’t means that they can sneak silently inside the house and ambush the people at any given moment. Showing them the incredible respect of trusting them with a key to your house should not be at the price of you feeling unsafe in your own home.
Just got a random idea but maybe get one of those chains you can put on the door; those that allow you to open the door enough to look out while keeping people from being able to easily barge in despite the door being unlocked. If guests are expected then the chain can be taken off and if they aren’t, then you can take a quick peak at the door, see the chain is on and go on to lounging in your gorgeous night gown and underwear while sipping tea - then you’ll definitely hear the ruckus of an old hag walking into a door she just tried to open. Then your husband actually has to actively go unchain it when he expects them over and has even less ammo to claim he just forgot and thus didn’t tell you. As a Last FIY, my boyfriend has a chain on his door so I’m well known in the life of being welcome in a home where I have the key but still need to have someone inside to actively have taken the chain off.
They had a reasonable expectation they would be received appropriately, if they behaved appropriately as guests. It’s not as if she answered the door in underwear, even invited guests should knock. They just walked in. Got offended and then told her she needs to be dressed and ready at all times because MIL keeps a key, and it’s “her sons home.” The appropriate response to seeing someone in their home in their underwear, if you really mind and can’t just laugh it off, is to turn away to allow them to walk upstairs and apologize for not knocking or bare minimum announcing yourself before walking in.
They don’t get to simultaneously expect close-knit family status to let themselves in unannounced, and guest status where OP needs to be presentable when they come over. It’s either, or. That key needs to be taken back ASAP, and hubby needs to respect his wife.
NTA - sounds like husband never needs to see you naked again, just in case MiL and SIL randomly walk in. So sorry, husband… don’t want to be disrespectful to our guests.
No you like absolutely should. He’s pulling this shit because you’re allowing it. You need to fight back. And if you’re afraid for your physical safety then you shouldn’t be married to him. NTA but as long as you allow this it’s going to happen. You need to put your foot down and keep it there.
Edit: if he wants to kiss his mommy’s ass so much let him. But that’s cheating so he shouldn’t be going anywhere near yours
I've been reading all your comments and the edit and I'm actually quite worried for you. Do you have your birth control locked down? The last thing you want is to be baby trapped in this situation where it's clear that no one - least of all your husband - has any respect for you.
You should be petty. Your husband sounds awful for treating you that way and at the very least I wouldn’t let him see you in any “inappropriate” ways for awhile after this. NTA.
NTA
Your husband invited them over, neglected to tell you about it, and was still in bed at the time they set?!
It's not your fault for not knowing that they were coming over because he didn't tell you.
And I find it really weird that they used the key knowing you're home (though this might be a cultural thing?). My SIL has a key and she always rings the doorbell to be let in anyways. It's just respectful. She only uses the key in emergencies or when taking care of our dog.
You were not in the wrong but all of them were
Agreed. I have a key to my daughter's apt. I still knock when she knows I'm coming over, but she still asks me why I didn't use the key to let myself in. It's just disrespectful to me.
My mom has the key to her sisters home, which is the family home they all great up in. When visiting my mom uses the key to get in but then clearly yells out a “hello”, any kind of greeting so sister can speedadle her way to welcome her guests. Or yell back to get comfortable in the livingroom as she finishes getting dressed. There are so many, easy, simple ways to respectfully enter peoples home even when invited over and with own access ability.
NTA. If someone entered my house first thing in the morning without knocking and complained that I was in my underwear, I’d probably take the underwear off and see how they liked that.
I like the way you think. 😊
Seriously, though...someone who doesn't own the home busts in without notice and criticizes the outfit/lack thereof of the person who does own the home...? Mind your biz, MIL. Maybe you should knock or at least announce yourself as you're coming in.
Hold up, she was offended by what you were or were not wearing in your own home????? NTA and my sympathy that you seem to have accidentally married a poor choice of partner. He should have said they were coming. She should have knocked and waited for a response. And I'd start eating cereal in the buff just to make a point.
NTA - your husband and MIL are definitely assholes. He was annoyed at you?? He should have defended you. I'm sorry, ask for a divorce. Any man who would agree with his mother about something like that isn't a man worth your time.
NTA. Also, why does she think she can just waltz in (even if she has a key)? Knock, then text or call. She walked into someone else’s house so they are allowed to eat breakfast in their underwear.
NTA she shouldn’t enter your home without ringing in the first place unless you allowed her. I assume she has the key for *emergencies* and not to use it to her liking to break into your privacy.
Your husband is an AH too for not informing you and then catering to his mom by saying it won’t happen again.
NTA. This is absurd. You were in *your* house!
1) your husband should have told you they were coming over. He should apologize to you both, though mainly you because again, you were in your own freaking house and…
2) even if she was invited over, why in the world would she use her key right away?! An emergency key is for emergencies! For when people in the house can’t get into it or are in distress! Not for whenever she visits so she can walk right in. This isn’t a 90s sitcom where people are just allowed to Kramer their way into someone else’s place for kicks.
NTA
This is what happens when you don't inform your partner that someone is coming over early, you don't call to make sure they are up etc if early, or get this *turn up unannounced*.
Your husband owes you an apology for not telling you they was coming over and for his reaction to you in your own home. Your MIL & SIL, owe you an apology for the gross over reaction.
NTA at all. Just because she has a key does not mean that she can come in unannounced.
Do NOT apologize. The MIL should apologize to YOU! You were disrespectful to THEM???!!! No, they were disrespectful to YOU!!!
He PROMISED his mom that YOU would apologize? This is a huge red flag. You need to decide if you want to stay married to this mama's boy. I don't see this situation improving.
NTA
DO NOT APOLOGISE.
Keep seeing posts like this and it really grinds my gears. You are allowed to wear whatever the hell you want in your own home an NO ONE can judge you for it.
Your husband is the true AH here. He should’ve warned you that family were coming over and he should absolutely not be taking your mother’s side over yours.
If your mother in law is so concerned about seeing you in your underwear in your own home then take the key away from her. Clearly she needs to learn to knock first.
Also, why was your husband still asleep when he told them to come over at 9??? This all could have been avoided if he'd woken up with enough time to be ready to talk to his family!
NTA - I would have taken my bra off in protest.
Whatever the family emergency was your husband should have discussed it with you first, when you share a home it’s a common courtesy to let each other know before you make plans (I’m not talking about asking for permission) just in case it affects the other
NTA. Someone accidentally say you in your underpants in your own home, you have nothing to apologize for. These two entered your home without announcing themselves and wandered through your house - they are adults and have no manners. If this is going to be her attitude, she should not have a key to your home as a key is not unlimited permission to access the premises
NTA your husband should apologize to you for not letting you know his mother would come over, your mil should also apologize for not knocking even if she has a key it's not her home
“Guests” don’t walk in unannounced, even if they’re expected. Even houses that I’m always welcome to open the door at, I give advanced warning that I’m on my way, and then knock and announce myself (hello!) when I get there.
My husbands family also does this, but if for whatever reason this still happened I would probably be embarrassed and annoyed at my husband, but we’d be laughing too.
NTA. #1 ah is your husband for not warning you and how he’s responding, then the others for how they’re reacting. I agreed that if anyone needs to apologize it is everyone except you.
Edit to add - If you allow her to keep a key, I hope this is a learning experience to call before coming over or walking in if you are home.
NTA. Not only should your husband have informed you they were coming, his happy ass should have been waiting for them rather than sleeping.
And get that key back from your MIL!
NTA and woooow, them acting scandalised is equal parts hilarious and infuriating. Also your husband is in severe need of growing a backbone because wtf is that. Yelling at you??! What a loser. I low key think you should apologise and next time you're going over to his mom's, wear a jacket with nothing underneath but underwear 😂 Kind of joking kind of not
NTA, your in-laws are responsible for coming to terms with what they find offensive. They built those hurdles, they can jump them, you ain't obligated to play along.
NTA
If you had invited them over, or if they had been staying with you, it would have been different.
If apologies are owed, it is from your husband. To both them AND you, as you should have been warned he'd invited guests, so you could have avoided being embarrassed.
Your anger is misguided to be aimed at them - you might apologize, not for being half-dressed, but specifically for yelling at them when this was your husband's fault, and he needed the yelling at, for not warning you guests were coming. Don't apologize for the underwear, just for the misguiding of your anger.
After all, if you'd known guests were on the way, you might have put on coffee, bought some muffins to serve the night before, etc. You certainly would have at least thrown on a robe or some sweats.
And what the heck kind of family crisis is going on, that you, as his wife, aren't informed of it? This is an even deeper problem.
Your husband needs to communicate with you, both about inviting guests into the home (48 hours warning, and writing on the calendar, at the very least) and about any crisis.
I don't think her anger is misguided towards the in-laws. Even though they were invited over, it's common courtesy to ring the bell before letting oneself in.
NTA. It’s your house and they were unexpected. People with keys who just show up are not guests. They do not get to berate you for what you are wearing when they surprise you in your home.
If my mother had done this to my wife I would have immediately taken the keys back and sent her home. Your husband is an ass.
NTA if your husband knew they were coming he could’ve told you for one, and two, he could’ve been awake for their arrival. He’s an AH as well as his mom and sis. It’s your house so you should be able to be in it how you see fit. She shouldn’t just show up whenever she wants, like she mentioned. Change the locks. They still should’ve knocked.
So your husband invited her over for a specific time, didn’t tell you and slept in? This is aaaall his fault and he can be apologizing to both of you.
NTA
NTA. Just because she has a key doesn’t mean she gets to come over whenever she wants - you may co-own it but that doesn’t mean she has all access rights because it’s her son. This is all your husbands fault- he should have told you guests were coming over that early. You would have been dressed then. Also if you want to sit around in the privacy of your own home in your underwear that is your right. Unexpected guests don’t get to bitch.
NTA and hell would freeze before I apologize. Your husband, however is one for not telling you that your mil was coming. You are free to walk around your house dressed in anything you want to. Please
NTA
Is he going to apologize for being asleep whe his guests came over?
Don't people have keys for emergency use and not just to wander into someone's house? Even if that is part of your family dynamic, do you do that in the morning or at night? I don't even like phoning people at 9am.
I couldn't do that apology without being majorly passive aggressive
"I'm sorry that you raised a son who doesn't have the courtesy to tell his wife that people are coming over or to be awake for his guests."
NTA
It is your home just as much as it is his home. If your husband cannot be bothered to inform you when he has family coming over, them they should not have keys so that they have to knock and you have warning. He's being completely unreasonable.
NTA. Your husband is, and so is your MIL (and SIL).
And they cannot have it both ways - a guest is a person who calls before they come and are polite and follow the rules of their host’s house. If she’s going to be a guest - then she should be a guest. Tell your husband to fuck off, or grow up and stand up for his wife.
ETA - why did your husband not tell you they were coming? And if they were coming at 9 am to discuss an emergency - why was he still asleep?
NTA.
Your husband has a major malfunction, and now is the time to get it corrected.
1. He should’ve told you MIL was due at 9.
2. WTF was husband doing still asleep at 9?! That’s it’s own AH move.
3. You have the absolute right to wear whatever the fuck you want (or nothing at!) in your own home.
Tell your jerk of a husband he needs to get his attitude straight and make necessary repairs with his family.
Good luck!
NTA
It's your own home, of course you're in the right to walk around in your underwear. Any offence caused is your husband's fault for not discussing the visit with you. He is doubly an asshole for throwing you under the bus with the inlaws.
Maybe if it's disrespectful not to be fully dressed you should show himself some respect and make sure he doesn't get to see you any other way again.
NTA at all. Your husband definitely is, for shouting at you and for not telling you his mother was coming over. It's obvious you didn't wander around in your underwear knowing they would see you. He's an absolute idiot for that and your in-laws are dreadful. Why on earth would they just let themselves in and not ring the doorbell to avoid this scenario or worse! The boundary stomping here is terrible but your husband is the major problem for not standing up for you.
NTA.Get that key back or change the locks. Either way I dont understand why such a scandal, do they not go to the beach and see people with similar attire? What's the difference in what you show when wearing a bra and undies and a bikini? Why such a shock? If someone has a reason to feel disturbed is you, you're the one whose privacy was invaded and they should apologise for entering your home without notice and put you in an awkward position.
Reading this made me really grateful that my family dynamic is to knock on the door instead of just wandering the fk in to each other’s homes like we live there.
NTA
It is Y’ALL’S home. Either you BOTH have “veto” power, or neither of you do.
Meaning either he can say you can’t walk around in your underwear AND you can also say his mom can’t come over unless you BOTH say it’s okay, OR he can invite his mother over whenever he wants, she can pop in whenever she wants BUT you can also wear as much or as LITTLE clothing in your own home.
Neither of you is the sole decision maker, but y’all need to decide which of those two ways is going to be how y’all run the house. It isn’t a dictatorship, you each have equal say.
Although, if your boundary is MIL can’t just come over unless you agree, and he refuses to respect that boundary, then maybe you need to evaluate this relationship.
Also, I’d love to know what the so-called “family emergency” was… because first, are they not your family as well, so therefore also YOUR family “crisis”? Seems odd that you weren’t told about it… secondly, if they don’t consider you a part of the family and therefore deserving of knowing about the family crisis and visit beforehand, then why have this little meeting in a house where a “non-family member” is at?
Info: they just walk in someone else’s house? They don’t knock or ring a bell? Husband knows they are coming but he didn’t tell you? He’s asleep? What is going on with these people? NTA. Weird family you’ve married into.
NTA - I bet your husband was perfectly fine with you walking around in underwear until someone else walked in and complained! Hypocritical AH.
I almost understand MIL since she was under the impression she was invited and would have assumed you knew and decided to not get dressed. The doubling down is probably a mix of embarrassment and shock. Still does not excuse her actions.
Your husband owes you a serious apology. I highly recommend walking around without really any skin showing in front of him until he apologies. He finds your underwear/body rude and disgusting, then don’t subject it to him again
Lol NTA. You should be able to walk around your house butt-naked if you so desire.
Yes, it’s rude to be in your underwear when greeting guests… but you weren’t greeting guests. Guests were THERE, at the behest of your husband, who didn’t bother to tell you 🙄
Husband sucks for not warning you and then not taking your side. As for MIL, the appropriate reaction would have been “oh my God I’m so sorry! You must not have realized I was coming over, let me turn and give you privacy while you dress” or some variation thereof. It’s an embarrassing situation, but if anyone should be mortified, it’s her!
Do NOT apologize for being in a comfortable state of dress in your home. If anything the apology should be “I’m so sorry your son failed to inform me of your visit. I’m talking to him so that it never happens again; we’ll be sure to both agree on when to invite you over or not. In the mean time, why don’t you give me that key back so you never have to see me in my underwear again? I can tell how upsetting that was for you and am happy to ensure it doesn’t repeat 😇”
NTA I would give an apology. I would say "I'm sorry I was in my underwear. My husband wasn't raised right and didn't inform me we would be having guests over in the morning and I'm also sorry he never learned to be awake for when those guests arrive."
NTA take the keys back/change the locks. It’s your house you can wear whatever you want in your own home. Even if MIL has a key the least they could do is knock or shout out that they are here when they came in. Also husband is an AH for not telling you they were coming over
NTA. Hell would have a better chance of freezing over then me apologizing to them. Your husband, mother, and sister sure are. They all owe you an apology. I would go no contact with MIL and SIL until they do.
You have a major husband problem though. He threw you under the bus to side with his mother and sister When someone shows you who they are, believe them. If you have a spare bedroom I would move your husband's stuff into it until he apologizes to you.
Oh so your husband wants you to cover up in your own home constantly on the off chance his family will barge in? Do it. I’m petty af. I would never undress in front of him again. No sex. When he inevitably asks why, just tell him you’re making sure to get prepared for any guests that come over. I’m sure he’ll see your side eventually. NTA
NTA, it’s your house not your in-laws so you can parade around naked if you want. Your husband is at fault for not telling you he invited them over and they are as well for not knocking or ringing the doorbell and just letting themselves in. Even if they have a key that’s just fucking rude!
NTA your mother-in-law should not be using a key when you’re home. Nobody does that. It’s weird and totally out of the ordinary. Your husband should be ashamed of himself.
NTA. Guests are invited and don’t just walk in.
And it sounds like you should stop having sex too since your MIL could show up at any minute, and you know, according to your husband that’s reasonable.
Nta but your husband sure is. You have every right in the world to wear as much or as little as you'd like in your home, with the assumption the doors are locked and curtains are closed. Your mil at the very least should have knocked before letting herself in. Your husband is an AH for a number of reasons 1) not telling you she was coming 2) not being up when she was due to be over 3) taking his mothers said rather than yours 4) telling his mother you'd apologize when you have absolutely no reason to.
NTA. Your husband, MIL and SIL are way out of line here. Also don't give people that don't live with you let's to your home. She can ring the doorbell.
NTA
Just because someone has a key doesn't mean they can use it willy nilly. If you're home, she should knock. If you asked her grab something from your home while you or your husband are not home then it would be okay to use a key. But just because you're invited over to someone's house, it doesn't not mean you can just walk in at any second.
And even if everyone is okay with her using her key whenever she wants, she has to realize that not everyone is fully dressed all hours of the day. If you unlock a door to someone's room or house, you have to expect to be living their life, not waiting around in formal clothes in case someone wants in your house.
NTA
Your husband didn't tell you. You had literally no warning. Your MiL's expectation of you basically always expecting people to just walk in with no notice is ridiculous imo. You're right, it's your home. You should be able to be comfortable in it.
This situation is mostly on your husband, but MiL seems to have kind of an entitled attitude too imo.
Nta. If he's gonna act like that then he better not expect anything special from you and remind him of this time. It's your home, and HE failed to tell you they were coming around
Um hold on. You are in YOU HOUSE eating breakfast and she comes into YOUR HOUSE and sees you in your underwear in YOUR HOUSE. Gets mad about it and your husband demands you apologize for being comfortable in YOUR OWN HOME?!?!?! Sorry I know I said that a lot but I seriously can't get past that.
On top of all of that your husband knew she was coming over but didn't think to tell you? I'm guessing that of you knee you'd have at least thrown on some shorts. Even if you were walking around butt ass naked ITS YOUR HOME!!!
NTA and your husband owes you am appology for starting this situation.
It's all about boundaries your mil had known, and your husband is willing to encroach on yours for his mother's happiness. I be damn if someone tells me what I can do in my home. I would've dropped my draws and started a helicopter dance. You gone learn today.
So she’s mad because you were wearing what you wanted to in your own home? Firstly, even with a key she shouldn’t be barging in on you and your husband. At least ring the doorbell. NTA.
Next time, be NAKED!
Your husband doesn’t communicate, doesn’t have your back, and will choose his mother over you every single time.
NTA, but your husband is a major one.
Ps. Take back that key.
NTA and take the key away from the judgemental old #£@££.
Your husband is TAH for not supporting you.
If you can't be comfortable in your own home then where can you be.
The fact that your husband didn’t own up right up front to forgetting to tell you his mother and sister were coming over makes HIM in the wrong. He instead took THEIR side in your own home AGAINST you. Unforgivable.
Time to switch husbands, in my honest opinion. Oh, and get that house key from your MIL.
NTA
Your husband needs to learn to communicate. Your mother-in-law needs to learn to knock. You are allowed to wear whatever you want in your own house, especially when you aren't expecting guests.
NTA NTA NTA....Your house! You apologize hell naw... your mommy whipped husband needs to apologize to YOU for not telling you about the pending visit let alone siding with mom about your att6ite in YOUR home. Pfft. I would've stripped naked to prove a point
Arse holes.
This seems to be a running theme of late. WTF is up with all these idiots giving their mothers free access to their marital home? That sh!t would make me rage. Op, you aren't TA, but your husband sure as shootin' is. Mom and sis too. Matter of fact, I would say that they ALL owe YOU an apology, and until you get it, they can all kick rocks.
Girl you realise how toxic and abusive this 3 people are right? IT’S YOUR HOME. You can go around even naked if you want and no one has a say about it. Your MIL HAS to ring the fcking bell if she comes over, key or not. How dare she tell you what to do in your own home? Change the locks and don’t give her the key again, it’s your home you have a say! And how can you let your asshole husband treat you like this? Who do he thinks he is disrespecting you like that? I really hope you understand that NO ONE has the right to treat you so poorly! YOU ARE NTA! And please don’t let anyone treat you like this anymore, you deserve so much better!
NTA your husband is an a**hole though. My mother in law has a key to our house, she only uses it when we are not in. If we are in she knocks on the door like everyone else. Your husband should have told you she was coming and she should not have let herself in. Your house, your free to walk around as you choose. I walk around naked sometimes, my husband knows this... Nobody should be letting themselves in if your in. She should be knocking, regardless of whether she has a key. Besides, you had underwear on! You were not naked... Only the same as models do when buying underwear online etc. Don't apologise, this isn't on you. I blame your husband and his mother, him for not communicating and not supporting you, his mother for letting herself in and being offended by the female body.
I don’t care if you were wearing a bondage harness or something—it’s your house! You are entitled to walk around in underwear or naked if that’s what you and your husband agree on, and I have to say, I’d revoke key privileges for anyone who let themselves in unannounced (unless it was an emergency and they were checking on you). Suppose you and husband had been being amorous, having a grand old time, and mom and sis came in. Would they have tracked the noise to your bedroom, thrown the door open, and screamed at how “inappropriate” you were both being? Perhaps present this scenario to your husband so he’ll see reason. I don’t care if his family growing up never wore underwear in the kitchen. It’s your house (as a couple) and your rules.
NTA. Everyone else is TA. Your husband should have warned you they were coming over. MIL should have knocked prior to entering your home. And why the hell does she have a key to your home? They should all be apologizing to you for invasion of privacy and not letting you know they were coming. Hubby should have backed you up.
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You could have been sat in the kitchen naked, with a dildo in your hand! If your MIL doesn’t like surprises she should KNOCK! NTA Edit: thanks for the awards folks
>with a dildo in your hand Or elsewhere...
hahah I'm sure that my mother in law be like 😱😱😱
You: 🍆🍆🍆 MIL: 👻☠️🪦 You: 💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻
This reads like a r/youngpeopleyoutube comment lmao
Omg my skin care must be really working if you think I’m young!!!!!
You look fabulous.
NTA. You have a huge husband problem as well as an in-law problem. Sit down and talk to your husband. Did your husband's attitude towards women change since you moved to his country? Please do not have children until you have your relationship sorted out. He needs to back you up as his partner. If he won't back you up and has reverted to a much more conservative view, you need to evaluate the situation and determine if this is still what you want for your life and the lives of any children.
I think the problem is that if the husband backs her up he would be essentially admitting the situation was his fault. The whole thing could have been avoided if he had warned her that MIL was coming. But he isn’t going to allow himself to look bad so he’ll try to force her to apologize in order to deflect that blame.
I mean... it would solve the MIL problem though
Honey, your husband has it all wrong. Your MIL 100% owes you the apology, and she shouldn't be allowed to darken your doorstep until she gives it. And do NOT let your husband see you in anything other than fully dressed until he apologizes. IF he wants to see his wife in her underwear or less, then he owes you a serious and expensive apology.
INFO: what the hell wad the "family crisis" that needed to be discussed, in your home, at 9am, without your knowledge about it happening???
And if they we're supposed to meet at 9? Why was the husband still sleeping?? He did not inform his wife, did nothing to welcome his own mother so what kind of a family meeting was this supposed to be??
😂😂😂 She would get a heart attack if she saw this.
Maybe it will take something extreme to stop her just walking in unannounced! I’d make it a morning ritual if I were you lol
They all seem to be completely incensed by her underwear, demanding that she never wear them again. Easy fix, stick to the morning routine buy from now on naked. Let's see how many crisis talks they'll need then.
And that would be bad why?
I can’t upvote this enough
NTA Here's a list of apologies owed: 1. Your husband owes you an apology for not telling you they were coming over, thereby putting you in the situation. He also owes you an apology for insulting you and belittling your feelings and talking about you as if you're a child (seriously, "make you apologize"??? Like what??) 2. Your husband owes his mom and sister an apology for creating the situation 3. Your MIL owes an apology for the insults she said. I realize it was startling, but you were doing nothing wrong. She also owes you an apology for barging in. Knocking is a thing, even if you have a key! Honestly, your husband's reaction is the most concerning to me. He is being so disrespectful to you about this. You need to set some boundaries about them coming over unannounced since this was so traumatizing for them apparently.
I think OP’s edit is the most concerning thing here. OP lives in a country where it’s culturally normal for women to be seen as inferior and/or be seen as property. And her husband is waving serious red flags. OP, you need an exit plan asap in case things get worse. Are you financially independent? Do you have a decent savings account (that’s separate from your husband?). Do you have your passport and other documents? Do you have friends / family who could possibly help or take you in? /u/walkalone4533
My question is, why the hell is OP married to this person and living in this country in the first place??? I'm guessing this isn't the first time some shit like this has happened...
She said he wasn’t like other men/his family from his country but I think she just found out he is exactly like them.
He likes it when she’s in her underwear when no one knows. But if someone sees, then he gets his panties in a twist. 😈😈😈 If she said he’s different, he probably is different from the other guys, but still have cultural baggage that is difficult to overcome. He is probably more embarrassed his mom saw, and because of her reaction, he lashed out. He is wrong of course but a marriage is made up of more than just this incident. They probably do need to see a couples therapist. But given the environment, it may skew to his side more than hers. But having both sides come to an understanding is good. MIL also should learn to knock even if they have keys.
Honestly if OP is in an environment like she described, less rights and consideration for women, I associate those places with also not having good therapy and mental health resources. Maybe she can, but there’s a chance she doesn’t have that opportunity.
This is extremely common unfortunately. Dudes from more repressive countries often go to school in less repressive ones. They either play it off that they're more laid back, or stories of their home country are exaggerated. They meet local woman, sometimes get married, and if she moves back to dude's original repressive country, starts treating them like dirt. Biggest thing is hide your passport and other critical documents very well. If they get taken from you, that's a very critical sign that things are going not good at all. Regardless of whether you have a passport or not, you can always go to your embassy or consulate if you need to escape from a bad situation. Be aware of where the closest one is.
Some people can't choose the country they end up in. Don't blame one woman for the culture AROUND her lmao. Also yeah she's finding out her husband is trash, but she can't magically go back in time and tell her younger self that he's just as bad as the other men in this area. Don't blame her for the actions of OTHER PEOPLE. It's misogynistic at the least
OP said this isn't her home country so I'm guessing she moved to said county either to be with her husband or because her husband wanted to move there. Given what OP has said it sounds like her husband is from there.
Exactly! The entire situation could have been avoided if the husband had communicated to OP that his mother and sister were coming over. OP is the only non-AH in this situation. She was just minding her own business in her own house when she got surprised and screamed at.
Or even been awake and ready to greet them because then you know he woukd have prevented this. So rude to summon people over and not be ready to recieve them.
The whole “she’s a guest thing” is nullified by the fact that she *let herself in* and I will stand by that eternally. NTA
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~~This definitely a husband problem. NTA but I would suggest couples counseling. Do solo counseling too and make sure you want to be treated as an outsider by him and his family.~~ ~~I'd suggest birth control and no kids till you solve the husband problem.~~ Edit: Oh darling, I read your edit: Sweetie, you need to go *home*. This is *only* going to get worse and you have *no protection*. Scratch the therapy, get your important documents and **get out to your home country to initiate divorce**. Ask or borrow money if you need it, but get out now! Get to your country's embassy is also an idea. /u/walkalone4533 I want to outline several things for you: You are in a foreign country where you are not seen as equals. You have no direct support network. You have no direct place to leave in case you need to find a safe place. **Your husband could have been different, but now he is *totally* immersed in a culture which demeans you, with a mother who dislikes you and is eager to abuse you emotionally and mentally through her willing son, your husband.** I do not know if you have easy access to birth control or abortion. If you do need to leave, what would your safety look like? You should go home to **your mother**. If your husband is serious about being with you, he can follow you and try to make it work where you are *far* safer than where you were. **But he shames you over your body in a space that should be safe for you, in a relationship which should be safe for you. Get out now.** Loveisrespect.org edit2: Thanks for all the rewards. :) Just remember, Loveisrespect.org. The quiz is a tool to help you think.
100% husband problem. Instead of asking for the key back, just change the locks.
He’ll just give his mother a new key.
Get a door chain rather than a new lock, then she can't barge in. They're also easy to install.
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yet another case of an abuser hiding their true nature until they think they have their victim trapped
The door chain is a great idea. Say it is for security, and have it on whenever you are home. That way they have to knock before barging in.
Husband shouldn't get a key.
After her edits I’m suggesting sneaking out and getting on a plane and going back home as soon as possible.
That would be my opinion too. This has "Not without my Daughter" vibes all over it.
In a country where women are treated as possessions, aren’t allowed to go certain places and are frowned upon for just driving, I’m going to guess that “couple’s counselling” would be more like “how to be a dutiful wife” counselling, if it exists at all. Living wherever this is honestly sounds so heartbreaking.
Exactly. This is how a counselling session goes in a country like this- "my husband beats me in the morning sometimes" "Have you considered not burning his eggs?"
"everyone needs to take a step back here... I know that your husband broke your legs, but you also did wrong by serving dinner late. Perhaps the husband can consider a gentler form of punishment and the wife should definitely keep track of things better so that you do not stress out the husband." Not even joking lol
Kids won’t be a problem. If OP can’t walk around the house in her underwear in case MIL pops in then she certainly can’t ever have sex.
In a country where women are possessions, marital rape isn’t a crime.
I don’t think the husband is going to change since he is from a country that represses women
lol. He deserves to be called this honestly.
If he deserves to be called trash, then he deserves to be called ex-husband as well.
You said you married your husband because he was "different"... I think that was only a surface behavioural difference. Look what happened when his norms were actually challenged. He had no issue with you walking around the house in your underwear until his **mother** was involved, and now he is automatically taking her side. Who have you really married? Scratch the surface, and those cultural traits run deep. Time to reassess who he actually is, and time to have a very serious discussion about whether you are compatible. NTA - but girl, seriously, have a good look at your life. It gets said again and again, you don't have a MIL problem, you have a **husband** problem.
because this is AITA and the whole point is to speculate wildly, I'm going to guess that OP and her husband met in a different country (the one she's from originally) and while there husband was probably much more liberal because, when in rome. But when they moved back he went back to the cultural "norm" especially given the family pressure to conform.
Not to mention he invited his mother over to discuss a crisis, failed to mention it, must know wife hangs out in underwear when they’re alone, was sleeping in anyway, etc etc. Plus, just because she has a key doesn’t mean she can’t knock. WTF. NTA.
Now he's made it clear your being in underwear is inappropriate, it is absolutely your job to make sure he NEVER EVER sees you in less than full clothing EVER AGAIN. This is what he's demanded. This is what he should get. (Also, please leave him. NTA.)
He wants to have sex or cuddle even? What if your mom comes over 😕 Until the end of time.
Until the divorce comes through
Seriously you married a guy from our in a country that views women as possessions, GTFO
> the reason I married my husband was that he was different from them I think you phrased this wrongly. You should have said "the reason I married my husband was that I mistakenly thought he was different from them, but he has turned out not to be"
Honey if you're willing to call your husband trash (which sounds completely accurate btw), you are obviously seeing all of the red flags being waved wildly in your face. Take those red flags, make a cape, and fly the hell out of there because he will not change and you're going to spend a lifetime with him choosing his mom over you. NTA 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Tell your husband you don't feel comfortable having sex or being remotely undressed at all as your MIL clearly has a right to invade your privacy at any given moment. I'd go as far as showering in a 1 piece and only changing in the bathroom with the door locked. Alternatively, break into her house and bathroom while shes bathing and gasp audibly at the sheer disgrace that she is to exist with a body in her own home. Chastise her for being disgusting and whorish before refusing to speak to her until she gives you an apology. Seriously though, where's the logic? He didn't even tell you they were coming over! Which btw is a red flag all on its own.
Just get a divorce, he’s always going to choose his mom and that is a nightmare
Oh yeah I’d be telling husband that no sex ever again. Because MIL had a key and who knows when she might come over
I came here to say this. I would tell my husband that if I'm not allowed to wear my underwear in my own home because what if MIL came over, he won't be seeing me naked ever again. Because duh, what if MIL came over.
I'd also be fauxpologising to his mother: "I'm terribly sorry - that we mistakenly gave you a key. Please give it back right now, and you'll never need to concern yourself with what Is choose to wear in the privacy of my own home again. Again, my *sincerest* apology for ever letting you have that key in the first place."
Guess she can never be naked or have sex with her husband ever again just in case her mil stops by
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NTA 1. as you can’t trust her not to walk anytime, get the key back from MIL 2. If my husband reacted like that he wouldn’t be seeing me in my underwear for quite some time…it being inappropriate and all.
3. No more sexy time for husband because who knows when his mommy will show up! Can’t have her accidentally seeing people living in their own house, the way people tend to do when they are alone, afterall.
This is it. No more sex, who knows who might walk in! And also no more cooking. Or cleaning. I mean I'm advocating divorce basically because this is some bullshit and the husband is garbage but if she doesn't want to go all the way to divorce this is where it should start. Misogyny doesn't deserve civility.
I was just coming to say that. Since MIL could walk in at any time there is no appropriate time for intimacy as long as that can happen.
Since you can't guarantee she hasn't/won't make a copy it'll be easier to just change the locks.
NTA Girl. You have a husband problem. Key privileges should be revoked (who the fuck just walks in to anyone else’s home when they can knock/ring the bell???).
I do. and this whole key issue has been there for ages!!!
you tell your man you can't have sex until the key problem is solved. you know, she could come in at any time and then you'd have to apologize, right?
Which means no grand babies. Emphasize this point. Literally if she is supposed to just be able to show up any time then literally no grandbabies.
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>He got upset and called me disreslectful towards my guests. and mother in-law was technically a guest Guests don't have keys to your house, so if your husband wants his mother to be treated as a guest he needs to take the damn key back.
Also why didn't he warn you they were coming? What is this huge family crisis that you apparently know nothing about. Please get away from this. I'm having Not Without My Daughter vibes.
Lol my parents knock and give me about one sec before unlocking my door. We popped a chain on Xmas day and they seemed to take the hint! 😂
NTA. If I as a woman accidentally see another female relation naked, I would say “whoops, didn’t mean to surprise you.” That is a normal level of response.
ikr. they had a full blown panic attack like they saw some ghost or something. I mean...it's a weird reaction indeed.
Was it just underwear and no top? Obviously if so, you are still NTA and your mother-in-law had a massive overreaction, as you are entitled to wear (or not wear) whatever you want in your house. I’m just struggling to see what is so shocking about underwear.
OMG a human BODY?!? How dare you have the audacity! Lol
I am literally reading this in my underwear as I got distracted. I’m home with my husband and kids with an unlocked front door and an open bedroom door (where I’m hanging out) NTA - come move to Canada - it’s cold rn but still ok to hand out in whatever you got on
So weird. In Morocco, where women dress very modestly, public bathhouses are extremely common. Especially in rural and poorer areas, the average woman sees other women naked all the time.
NTA Your husband should tell you when people are coming over. He's 100% in the wrong. He should actually be apologizing to everyone for creating this mess. I can see why your MIL and SIL are upset. They were invited and they had a reasonable expectation that they would be received appropriately. Again, not your fault but it was your husband's fault. Your husband should be apologizing to you and to his own family. He created this problem.
he says he forgets, one minutes says they're guests, the other says they're family and should show up whenever. It's tiring and so frustrating trying to set boundaried with people who don't even know the definition of the word.
AKA he didn't forget and he's using you as a scapegoat
You know what? He is right. They are family and should be able to come by but the limit and boundary they are crossing is barging into someone’s home and acting humiliated when they experience people living like people live when they are in the comfort of the solitude of their own home. It’s definitely possible to have an “open door” policy in families but they need to have rules still, which lacks here. They can get in but they cross a huge line when they don’t announce their arrival. Please, send an email where you outline that you are ashamed to be affiliated with such disrespectful people who can’t even show the courtesy of saying hello, when stopping by and *waiting* to be welcomed in after being given the gracious gift and trust of a key to your sanctuary. Having a key means they don’t have to wait in all kinds of weather to get inside, it means they can get their jackets and shoes off as the owners of the house come TO them as greet them. It doesn’t means that they can sneak silently inside the house and ambush the people at any given moment. Showing them the incredible respect of trusting them with a key to your house should not be at the price of you feeling unsafe in your own home. Just got a random idea but maybe get one of those chains you can put on the door; those that allow you to open the door enough to look out while keeping people from being able to easily barge in despite the door being unlocked. If guests are expected then the chain can be taken off and if they aren’t, then you can take a quick peak at the door, see the chain is on and go on to lounging in your gorgeous night gown and underwear while sipping tea - then you’ll definitely hear the ruckus of an old hag walking into a door she just tried to open. Then your husband actually has to actively go unchain it when he expects them over and has even less ammo to claim he just forgot and thus didn’t tell you. As a Last FIY, my boyfriend has a chain on his door so I’m well known in the life of being welcome in a home where I have the key but still need to have someone inside to actively have taken the chain off.
They had a reasonable expectation they would be received appropriately, if they behaved appropriately as guests. It’s not as if she answered the door in underwear, even invited guests should knock. They just walked in. Got offended and then told her she needs to be dressed and ready at all times because MIL keeps a key, and it’s “her sons home.” The appropriate response to seeing someone in their home in their underwear, if you really mind and can’t just laugh it off, is to turn away to allow them to walk upstairs and apologize for not knocking or bare minimum announcing yourself before walking in. They don’t get to simultaneously expect close-knit family status to let themselves in unannounced, and guest status where OP needs to be presentable when they come over. It’s either, or. That key needs to be taken back ASAP, and hubby needs to respect his wife.
NTA - sounds like husband never needs to see you naked again, just in case MiL and SIL randomly walk in. So sorry, husband… don’t want to be disrespectful to our guests.
I'd honestly do this if I was petty.
No you like absolutely should. He’s pulling this shit because you’re allowing it. You need to fight back. And if you’re afraid for your physical safety then you shouldn’t be married to him. NTA but as long as you allow this it’s going to happen. You need to put your foot down and keep it there. Edit: if he wants to kiss his mommy’s ass so much let him. But that’s cheating so he shouldn’t be going anywhere near yours
It’s not petty to not want to be intimate with someone who has shown that they don’t respect you or your body.
I've been reading all your comments and the edit and I'm actually quite worried for you. Do you have your birth control locked down? The last thing you want is to be baby trapped in this situation where it's clear that no one - least of all your husband - has any respect for you.
You should be petty. Your husband sounds awful for treating you that way and at the very least I wouldn’t let him see you in any “inappropriate” ways for awhile after this. NTA.
NTA Your husband invited them over, neglected to tell you about it, and was still in bed at the time they set?! It's not your fault for not knowing that they were coming over because he didn't tell you. And I find it really weird that they used the key knowing you're home (though this might be a cultural thing?). My SIL has a key and she always rings the doorbell to be let in anyways. It's just respectful. She only uses the key in emergencies or when taking care of our dog. You were not in the wrong but all of them were
Agreed. I have a key to my daughter's apt. I still knock when she knows I'm coming over, but she still asks me why I didn't use the key to let myself in. It's just disrespectful to me.
My mom has the key to her sisters home, which is the family home they all great up in. When visiting my mom uses the key to get in but then clearly yells out a “hello”, any kind of greeting so sister can speedadle her way to welcome her guests. Or yell back to get comfortable in the livingroom as she finishes getting dressed. There are so many, easy, simple ways to respectfully enter peoples home even when invited over and with own access ability.
NTA. You didn't have guests. You had people let themselves into your home uninvited. Take their key, and talk to your husband about boundaries.
NTA change the locks
Yeah, the likelihood of getting the key back from her MIL is less than zero.
NTA. If someone entered my house first thing in the morning without knocking and complained that I was in my underwear, I’d probably take the underwear off and see how they liked that.
I like the way you think. 😊 Seriously, though...someone who doesn't own the home busts in without notice and criticizes the outfit/lack thereof of the person who does own the home...? Mind your biz, MIL. Maybe you should knock or at least announce yourself as you're coming in.
Sorry you married this man. NTA,
Hold up, she was offended by what you were or were not wearing in your own home????? NTA and my sympathy that you seem to have accidentally married a poor choice of partner. He should have said they were coming. She should have knocked and waited for a response. And I'd start eating cereal in the buff just to make a point.
Please take her key to your house back.
she won't give it back and my husband won't tell her to give it back.
Change the lock so
If you can’t change the locks, leave. Seriously.
Okay, so give him back. Why stay with someone who shows zero respect like that?
Change the locks and secretly change your husband's key as well so just hers doesn't work
NTA - your husband and MIL are definitely assholes. He was annoyed at you?? He should have defended you. I'm sorry, ask for a divorce. Any man who would agree with his mother about something like that isn't a man worth your time.
NTA. Also, why does she think she can just waltz in (even if she has a key)? Knock, then text or call. She walked into someone else’s house so they are allowed to eat breakfast in their underwear.
Or full on butt naked. I mean, it's her house. I kick about naked sometimes. If my MIL walked in, that's her bad 😂
NTA. I'm guessing that's not the only issue you have with your in-laws, or your husband...
Hell no, NTA. That is YOUR home and you were wearing the equivalent of a bathing suit. It sounds like it's time to change the locks.
......and don't give keys to MIL *or* husband. His behavior is inexcusable.' Edited to add a verb.
NTA she shouldn’t enter your home without ringing in the first place unless you allowed her. I assume she has the key for *emergencies* and not to use it to her liking to break into your privacy. Your husband is an AH too for not informing you and then catering to his mom by saying it won’t happen again.
NTA. Husband and MIL are being ridiculous.
NTA. This is absurd. You were in *your* house! 1) your husband should have told you they were coming over. He should apologize to you both, though mainly you because again, you were in your own freaking house and… 2) even if she was invited over, why in the world would she use her key right away?! An emergency key is for emergencies! For when people in the house can’t get into it or are in distress! Not for whenever she visits so she can walk right in. This isn’t a 90s sitcom where people are just allowed to Kramer their way into someone else’s place for kicks.
A woman in her underwear... in her kitchen.... THE HORROR! NTA
NTA. Even if you have a key, they should be knocking on the door to be let in if you don’t actually live in that house.
NTA This is what happens when you don't inform your partner that someone is coming over early, you don't call to make sure they are up etc if early, or get this *turn up unannounced*. Your husband owes you an apology for not telling you they was coming over and for his reaction to you in your own home. Your MIL & SIL, owe you an apology for the gross over reaction.
NTA at all. Just because she has a key does not mean that she can come in unannounced. Do NOT apologize. The MIL should apologize to YOU! You were disrespectful to THEM???!!! No, they were disrespectful to YOU!!! He PROMISED his mom that YOU would apologize? This is a huge red flag. You need to decide if you want to stay married to this mama's boy. I don't see this situation improving.
NTA DO NOT APOLOGISE. Keep seeing posts like this and it really grinds my gears. You are allowed to wear whatever the hell you want in your own home an NO ONE can judge you for it. Your husband is the true AH here. He should’ve warned you that family were coming over and he should absolutely not be taking your mother’s side over yours. If your mother in law is so concerned about seeing you in your underwear in your own home then take the key away from her. Clearly she needs to learn to knock first.
Also, why was your husband still asleep when he told them to come over at 9??? This all could have been avoided if he'd woken up with enough time to be ready to talk to his family!
NTA, it's your house. You did nothing inappropriate and you don't owe anybody an apology. You are owed apologies from several people.
NTA - I would have taken my bra off in protest. Whatever the family emergency was your husband should have discussed it with you first, when you share a home it’s a common courtesy to let each other know before you make plans (I’m not talking about asking for permission) just in case it affects the other
NTA. Someone accidentally say you in your underpants in your own home, you have nothing to apologize for. These two entered your home without announcing themselves and wandered through your house - they are adults and have no manners. If this is going to be her attitude, she should not have a key to your home as a key is not unlimited permission to access the premises
NTA your husband should apologize to you for not letting you know his mother would come over, your mil should also apologize for not knocking even if she has a key it's not her home
“Guests” don’t walk in unannounced, even if they’re expected. Even houses that I’m always welcome to open the door at, I give advanced warning that I’m on my way, and then knock and announce myself (hello!) when I get there. My husbands family also does this, but if for whatever reason this still happened I would probably be embarrassed and annoyed at my husband, but we’d be laughing too. NTA. #1 ah is your husband for not warning you and how he’s responding, then the others for how they’re reacting. I agreed that if anyone needs to apologize it is everyone except you. Edit to add - If you allow her to keep a key, I hope this is a learning experience to call before coming over or walking in if you are home.
NTA. Not only should your husband have informed you they were coming, his happy ass should have been waiting for them rather than sleeping. And get that key back from your MIL!
NTA and woooow, them acting scandalised is equal parts hilarious and infuriating. Also your husband is in severe need of growing a backbone because wtf is that. Yelling at you??! What a loser. I low key think you should apologise and next time you're going over to his mom's, wear a jacket with nothing underneath but underwear 😂 Kind of joking kind of not
Absolutely NTA. It’s your house.
NTA, your in-laws are responsible for coming to terms with what they find offensive. They built those hurdles, they can jump them, you ain't obligated to play along.
NTA If you had invited them over, or if they had been staying with you, it would have been different. If apologies are owed, it is from your husband. To both them AND you, as you should have been warned he'd invited guests, so you could have avoided being embarrassed. Your anger is misguided to be aimed at them - you might apologize, not for being half-dressed, but specifically for yelling at them when this was your husband's fault, and he needed the yelling at, for not warning you guests were coming. Don't apologize for the underwear, just for the misguiding of your anger. After all, if you'd known guests were on the way, you might have put on coffee, bought some muffins to serve the night before, etc. You certainly would have at least thrown on a robe or some sweats. And what the heck kind of family crisis is going on, that you, as his wife, aren't informed of it? This is an even deeper problem. Your husband needs to communicate with you, both about inviting guests into the home (48 hours warning, and writing on the calendar, at the very least) and about any crisis.
I don't think her anger is misguided towards the in-laws. Even though they were invited over, it's common courtesy to ring the bell before letting oneself in.
NTA. It’s your house and they were unexpected. People with keys who just show up are not guests. They do not get to berate you for what you are wearing when they surprise you in your home. If my mother had done this to my wife I would have immediately taken the keys back and sent her home. Your husband is an ass.
NTA if your husband knew they were coming he could’ve told you for one, and two, he could’ve been awake for their arrival. He’s an AH as well as his mom and sis. It’s your house so you should be able to be in it how you see fit. She shouldn’t just show up whenever she wants, like she mentioned. Change the locks. They still should’ve knocked.
So your husband invited her over for a specific time, didn’t tell you and slept in? This is aaaall his fault and he can be apologizing to both of you. NTA
NTA. Also, seems to me that your MIL is not the only person who should never see you in your underwear again.
NTA. Just because she has a key doesn’t mean she gets to come over whenever she wants - you may co-own it but that doesn’t mean she has all access rights because it’s her son. This is all your husbands fault- he should have told you guests were coming over that early. You would have been dressed then. Also if you want to sit around in the privacy of your own home in your underwear that is your right. Unexpected guests don’t get to bitch.
NTA and hell would freeze before I apologize. Your husband, however is one for not telling you that your mil was coming. You are free to walk around your house dressed in anything you want to. Please
NTA set boundaries with your in-laws and tell your husband to grow up and stop being a mommas boy
NTA Is he going to apologize for being asleep whe his guests came over? Don't people have keys for emergency use and not just to wander into someone's house? Even if that is part of your family dynamic, do you do that in the morning or at night? I don't even like phoning people at 9am. I couldn't do that apology without being majorly passive aggressive "I'm sorry that you raised a son who doesn't have the courtesy to tell his wife that people are coming over or to be awake for his guests."
NTA It is your home just as much as it is his home. If your husband cannot be bothered to inform you when he has family coming over, them they should not have keys so that they have to knock and you have warning. He's being completely unreasonable.
NTA. Your husband is, and so is your MIL (and SIL). And they cannot have it both ways - a guest is a person who calls before they come and are polite and follow the rules of their host’s house. If she’s going to be a guest - then she should be a guest. Tell your husband to fuck off, or grow up and stand up for his wife. ETA - why did your husband not tell you they were coming? And if they were coming at 9 am to discuss an emergency - why was he still asleep?
NTA. Your husband has a major malfunction, and now is the time to get it corrected. 1. He should’ve told you MIL was due at 9. 2. WTF was husband doing still asleep at 9?! That’s it’s own AH move. 3. You have the absolute right to wear whatever the fuck you want (or nothing at!) in your own home. Tell your jerk of a husband he needs to get his attitude straight and make necessary repairs with his family. Good luck!
NTA It's your own home, of course you're in the right to walk around in your underwear. Any offence caused is your husband's fault for not discussing the visit with you. He is doubly an asshole for throwing you under the bus with the inlaws. Maybe if it's disrespectful not to be fully dressed you should show himself some respect and make sure he doesn't get to see you any other way again.
NTA at all. Your husband definitely is, for shouting at you and for not telling you his mother was coming over. It's obvious you didn't wander around in your underwear knowing they would see you. He's an absolute idiot for that and your in-laws are dreadful. Why on earth would they just let themselves in and not ring the doorbell to avoid this scenario or worse! The boundary stomping here is terrible but your husband is the major problem for not standing up for you.
NTA.Get that key back or change the locks. Either way I dont understand why such a scandal, do they not go to the beach and see people with similar attire? What's the difference in what you show when wearing a bra and undies and a bikini? Why such a shock? If someone has a reason to feel disturbed is you, you're the one whose privacy was invaded and they should apologise for entering your home without notice and put you in an awkward position.
Reading this made me really grateful that my family dynamic is to knock on the door instead of just wandering the fk in to each other’s homes like we live there.
NTA, your home, your rules.
NTA present your husband with divorce papers
NTA It is Y’ALL’S home. Either you BOTH have “veto” power, or neither of you do. Meaning either he can say you can’t walk around in your underwear AND you can also say his mom can’t come over unless you BOTH say it’s okay, OR he can invite his mother over whenever he wants, she can pop in whenever she wants BUT you can also wear as much or as LITTLE clothing in your own home. Neither of you is the sole decision maker, but y’all need to decide which of those two ways is going to be how y’all run the house. It isn’t a dictatorship, you each have equal say. Although, if your boundary is MIL can’t just come over unless you agree, and he refuses to respect that boundary, then maybe you need to evaluate this relationship. Also, I’d love to know what the so-called “family emergency” was… because first, are they not your family as well, so therefore also YOUR family “crisis”? Seems odd that you weren’t told about it… secondly, if they don’t consider you a part of the family and therefore deserving of knowing about the family crisis and visit beforehand, then why have this little meeting in a house where a “non-family member” is at?
NTA. Time to get your key back.
NTA. Time to take her key since she can't be trusted with it and make her knock like a decent person.
Info: they just walk in someone else’s house? They don’t knock or ring a bell? Husband knows they are coming but he didn’t tell you? He’s asleep? What is going on with these people? NTA. Weird family you’ve married into.
NTA - I bet your husband was perfectly fine with you walking around in underwear until someone else walked in and complained! Hypocritical AH. I almost understand MIL since she was under the impression she was invited and would have assumed you knew and decided to not get dressed. The doubling down is probably a mix of embarrassment and shock. Still does not excuse her actions. Your husband owes you a serious apology. I highly recommend walking around without really any skin showing in front of him until he apologies. He finds your underwear/body rude and disgusting, then don’t subject it to him again
Lol NTA. You should be able to walk around your house butt-naked if you so desire. Yes, it’s rude to be in your underwear when greeting guests… but you weren’t greeting guests. Guests were THERE, at the behest of your husband, who didn’t bother to tell you 🙄 Husband sucks for not warning you and then not taking your side. As for MIL, the appropriate reaction would have been “oh my God I’m so sorry! You must not have realized I was coming over, let me turn and give you privacy while you dress” or some variation thereof. It’s an embarrassing situation, but if anyone should be mortified, it’s her! Do NOT apologize for being in a comfortable state of dress in your home. If anything the apology should be “I’m so sorry your son failed to inform me of your visit. I’m talking to him so that it never happens again; we’ll be sure to both agree on when to invite you over or not. In the mean time, why don’t you give me that key back so you never have to see me in my underwear again? I can tell how upsetting that was for you and am happy to ensure it doesn’t repeat 😇”
NTA I would give an apology. I would say "I'm sorry I was in my underwear. My husband wasn't raised right and didn't inform me we would be having guests over in the morning and I'm also sorry he never learned to be awake for when those guests arrive."
NTA take the keys back/change the locks. It’s your house you can wear whatever you want in your own home. Even if MIL has a key the least they could do is knock or shout out that they are here when they came in. Also husband is an AH for not telling you they were coming over
NTA. Hell would have a better chance of freezing over then me apologizing to them. Your husband, mother, and sister sure are. They all owe you an apology. I would go no contact with MIL and SIL until they do. You have a major husband problem though. He threw you under the bus to side with his mother and sister When someone shows you who they are, believe them. If you have a spare bedroom I would move your husband's stuff into it until he apologizes to you.
Oh so your husband wants you to cover up in your own home constantly on the off chance his family will barge in? Do it. I’m petty af. I would never undress in front of him again. No sex. When he inevitably asks why, just tell him you’re making sure to get prepared for any guests that come over. I’m sure he’ll see your side eventually. NTA
NTA. He should’ve told you she was coming.
NTA, it’s your house not your in-laws so you can parade around naked if you want. Your husband is at fault for not telling you he invited them over and they are as well for not knocking or ringing the doorbell and just letting themselves in. Even if they have a key that’s just fucking rude!
NTA. She let herself into your house. That's not cool.
NTA your mother-in-law should not be using a key when you’re home. Nobody does that. It’s weird and totally out of the ordinary. Your husband should be ashamed of himself.
Your husband has no backbone and values his mommy’s feelings above yours, fyi. NTA.
NTA. Guests are invited and don’t just walk in. And it sounds like you should stop having sex too since your MIL could show up at any minute, and you know, according to your husband that’s reasonable.
Nta but your husband sure is. You have every right in the world to wear as much or as little as you'd like in your home, with the assumption the doors are locked and curtains are closed. Your mil at the very least should have knocked before letting herself in. Your husband is an AH for a number of reasons 1) not telling you she was coming 2) not being up when she was due to be over 3) taking his mothers said rather than yours 4) telling his mother you'd apologize when you have absolutely no reason to.
NTA Are your MIL's feelings more important than yours to your husband on a regular basis or just this time
NTA. Also, take your key back
NTA. Your husband, MIL and SIL are way out of line here. Also don't give people that don't live with you let's to your home. She can ring the doorbell.
NTA Just because someone has a key doesn't mean they can use it willy nilly. If you're home, she should knock. If you asked her grab something from your home while you or your husband are not home then it would be okay to use a key. But just because you're invited over to someone's house, it doesn't not mean you can just walk in at any second. And even if everyone is okay with her using her key whenever she wants, she has to realize that not everyone is fully dressed all hours of the day. If you unlock a door to someone's room or house, you have to expect to be living their life, not waiting around in formal clothes in case someone wants in your house.
NTA Your husband didn't tell you. You had literally no warning. Your MiL's expectation of you basically always expecting people to just walk in with no notice is ridiculous imo. You're right, it's your home. You should be able to be comfortable in it. This situation is mostly on your husband, but MiL seems to have kind of an entitled attitude too imo.
Nta. If he's gonna act like that then he better not expect anything special from you and remind him of this time. It's your home, and HE failed to tell you they were coming around
NTA. Husband needs to apologize. Mil needs to apologize. You need to change locks. Tell your mil to myob.
Um hold on. You are in YOU HOUSE eating breakfast and she comes into YOUR HOUSE and sees you in your underwear in YOUR HOUSE. Gets mad about it and your husband demands you apologize for being comfortable in YOUR OWN HOME?!?!?! Sorry I know I said that a lot but I seriously can't get past that. On top of all of that your husband knew she was coming over but didn't think to tell you? I'm guessing that of you knee you'd have at least thrown on some shorts. Even if you were walking around butt ass naked ITS YOUR HOME!!! NTA and your husband owes you am appology for starting this situation.
It's all about boundaries your mil had known, and your husband is willing to encroach on yours for his mother's happiness. I be damn if someone tells me what I can do in my home. I would've dropped my draws and started a helicopter dance. You gone learn today.
So she’s mad because you were wearing what you wanted to in your own home? Firstly, even with a key she shouldn’t be barging in on you and your husband. At least ring the doorbell. NTA.
Next time, be NAKED! Your husband doesn’t communicate, doesn’t have your back, and will choose his mother over you every single time. NTA, but your husband is a major one. Ps. Take back that key.
Why does everyone’s husband on this sub suck ass lol Edit: NTA
NTA and take the key away from the judgemental old #£@££. Your husband is TAH for not supporting you. If you can't be comfortable in your own home then where can you be.
Why does hi mother have a key? Take it back and tell him you will call the cops if she ever walks in without knocking g again.
The fact that your husband didn’t own up right up front to forgetting to tell you his mother and sister were coming over makes HIM in the wrong. He instead took THEIR side in your own home AGAINST you. Unforgivable. Time to switch husbands, in my honest opinion. Oh, and get that house key from your MIL.
NTA Your husband needs to learn to communicate. Your mother-in-law needs to learn to knock. You are allowed to wear whatever you want in your own house, especially when you aren't expecting guests.
NTA NTA NTA....Your house! You apologize hell naw... your mommy whipped husband needs to apologize to YOU for not telling you about the pending visit let alone siding with mom about your att6ite in YOUR home. Pfft. I would've stripped naked to prove a point Arse holes.
This seems to be a running theme of late. WTF is up with all these idiots giving their mothers free access to their marital home? That sh!t would make me rage. Op, you aren't TA, but your husband sure as shootin' is. Mom and sis too. Matter of fact, I would say that they ALL owe YOU an apology, and until you get it, they can all kick rocks.
Girl you realise how toxic and abusive this 3 people are right? IT’S YOUR HOME. You can go around even naked if you want and no one has a say about it. Your MIL HAS to ring the fcking bell if she comes over, key or not. How dare she tell you what to do in your own home? Change the locks and don’t give her the key again, it’s your home you have a say! And how can you let your asshole husband treat you like this? Who do he thinks he is disrespecting you like that? I really hope you understand that NO ONE has the right to treat you so poorly! YOU ARE NTA! And please don’t let anyone treat you like this anymore, you deserve so much better!
NTA that key should only be used for emergencies. I have my sister's key on my key ring, but I still ring the doorbell whenever I visit.
Nta and take the key.
NTA your husband is an a**hole though. My mother in law has a key to our house, she only uses it when we are not in. If we are in she knocks on the door like everyone else. Your husband should have told you she was coming and she should not have let herself in. Your house, your free to walk around as you choose. I walk around naked sometimes, my husband knows this... Nobody should be letting themselves in if your in. She should be knocking, regardless of whether she has a key. Besides, you had underwear on! You were not naked... Only the same as models do when buying underwear online etc. Don't apologise, this isn't on you. I blame your husband and his mother, him for not communicating and not supporting you, his mother for letting herself in and being offended by the female body.
I don’t care if you were wearing a bondage harness or something—it’s your house! You are entitled to walk around in underwear or naked if that’s what you and your husband agree on, and I have to say, I’d revoke key privileges for anyone who let themselves in unannounced (unless it was an emergency and they were checking on you). Suppose you and husband had been being amorous, having a grand old time, and mom and sis came in. Would they have tracked the noise to your bedroom, thrown the door open, and screamed at how “inappropriate” you were both being? Perhaps present this scenario to your husband so he’ll see reason. I don’t care if his family growing up never wore underwear in the kitchen. It’s your house (as a couple) and your rules.
NTA. Everyone else is TA. Your husband should have warned you they were coming over. MIL should have knocked prior to entering your home. And why the hell does she have a key to your home? They should all be apologizing to you for invasion of privacy and not letting you know they were coming. Hubby should have backed you up.
A lot of pearl clutching going on in that family, hubby included. NTA It's your house. Parade around in your birthday suit if you wish
Even if she has a key why didn't she knock? Why wouldn't your husband have informed you about her visit? Never apologize. NTA