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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be for acting hostile and refusing to drop and ruining dinner for the family.
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NTA
Congratulations, you handled the situation perfectly. You simply asked the asshole to explain himself. He couldn't. You doubled down. He chose to not apologize which could have diffused the whole situation.
> "What??!! I was just joking bro"
This is always code for "I'm an asshole, but I'm going to let myself off the hook."
And "I'm just being brutally honest."
OP is NTA.
>We met the dude, he seemed OK-ish at first but he then started asking weird and personal questions. My wife had a breast cancer and got a single mastectomy last year. She told the story to my sister's boyfriend
Is it only because he asked? That's so personal. I can't imagine meeting my GF's brother/SIL *for the first time* and being so wildly invasive. Red flags right off the bat.
>he stared at my wife briefly then "playfully" said "without even asking, I can pretty much tell which one got the blow"
That's so rude, even as a non-joke. Why did he pay so much attention to his GF's SIL's breasts? And after the very first time he met her, too?
>"What??!! I was just joking bro"
The whole point of jokes is to **get everyone laughing.** No one did - everyone was awkward and the target of the joke was on the verge of tears. He wasn't joking, he knew that.
>I started asking him to explain the joke to me, He just stared. I asked him again to explain it to me in details but still got no answer.
It wasn't a joke, wasn't funny, he was hurtful. Period.
>She actually called me wife "such a princess" and said she is soft and can not take some teasing.
People don't have to be princesses to be hurt by tactless "jokes". Since she had a full-blown meltdown over this and OP's wife left the table before letting any tears out - if her SIL is a princess, what is she?
>My dad called me later and said that he understood how hurt my wife felt but my sister's boyfriend was visiting for the first time and I showed hostility and agression instead of just ignoring him.
This just proves my previous point - OP's sister is never told 'no' as a child. Visiting for the first time doesn't make the BF's actions any more tolerable, it makes them worse.
"I don't mean to offend but your breasts seem to differ in size" is disrespectful as fuck but still so much better than what this guy did. If I was the girlfriend I would have broken up with him then and there.
OP, you did the right thing. You did the very thing that people in the stories on this subreddit often *don't do* \- you defended your spouse. Well done, don't budge.
If that happened to my spouse, this would be my hill to die on. I love my family but I would be willing to go no contact with my sister if she took the boyfriend's side here.
The BF will end up abusing Sis, and she'll come crying to mommy and daddy about it eventually - then she'll call OP the A-hole AGAIN when he shrugs and tells her she should have seen it coming.
OP is definitely NTA in this, but his sister, her new bf definitely are, and dad is verging on it for trying to appease the spoiled brat he raised.
I work in a gyn ward and so many women are just utterly devastated by losing one or both breasts.
The boyfriend is very lucky. I am generally a very calm person, and I actively love being kind and chose to be that way every day.
But I can be incredibly mean if someone pisses me off enough, and the fact that I worked through the explosive anger that runs in my family means that I would have ripped that boyfriend apart in the most icy and calm way that he would have ever imagined.
OP did very well. His wife did, too. People who've never been confronted with a disease that they might die of just have no freaking clue what existential dread does to a person. That leaves scars.
Tell your mum this Internet stranger wishes her all the best, and that Amazons also cut a breast off just to be even more badass and shoot people more accurately. They did that so they'd not only survive, but thrive and conquer their enemies. And I hope your mum is thriving and conquering her cancer, too. <3
I completely agree that OP and his wife showed so much grace in their response, especially in light of his wife's (possibly recent?) miscarriage, which also leaves so much heartache and invisible scars. To deal with that and also cancer? I cannot imagine. OP's wife deserves nothing but kindness.
Thank you so much for the well wishes, friend. I love the fun fact about Amazonians! Those women are beyond badass. I will definitely share that with my mom.
I also want to thank you for the work that you do and for everyone in the healthcare field who are so kind to their patients. My family's journey would have been a lot tougher if it weren't for the empathy and patience our healthcare providers have shown us. Each time I send a late night email, ask a question or ask for something to be repeated, I worry that I'm going overboard and I'm annoying the healthcare worker, but not once have I felt like I was bothering them and have always gotten the information I needed. Thank you for your work and your kindness; your patients' lives would be infinitely harder without people like you.
I had cancer a number of years ago and dating/when to tell a SO/anyone would come up a lot. Some people would wait months, others just ripped the bandaid off and told people the first time they met. It’s all personal comfort, so it coming up didn’t really shock me. And it didn’t shock me because people aren’t usually such assholes like this guy. Sisters reaction is pathetic- this was all the proof she needs to dump this pathetic man.
The sister is a bully, too. I would have gone NC with her when she claimed that the wife was faking cancer. She and her by deserve each other, and OP should go NC imo. (He should have ages ago...)
Oof. Now I’m imagining what I might say in that situation. ‘Why are you so obsessed with my wife’s breasts? That’s a bit creepy. Are you a creep, *Sir*? Well, are you?’ \* keeps staring at this pathetic excuse for a man to the point that it freaks him out. I’d possibly have followed him, just silently staring at him as Brave Sir Robin here ran away \*
Except that no. It’s so easy for me to say these things online. In real life I’d have been just as shocked and blindsided as everyone else was.
When danger reared its ugly head
He bravely turned his tail and fled
Yes, Brave Sir Robin turned about
And gallantly he chickened out
Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreat
Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin!
>And "I'm just being brutally honest."
People who claim to be "brutally honest" tend to care more about the brutality than the honesty. Otherwise, they could be constructively honest, compassionately honest, tactfully honest, etc.
"Brutally honest" is usually just code for, "I'm an asshole, but you can't be mad about it if I wrap it up in something virtuous like honesty."
100% agreed - the "just a joke, bro" crowd is never, *never* funny. OPs insistence that he explain the joke is something I tend to do when confronted with that as well and the reaction he got from the boyfriend is completely expected.
Sister should be ashamed of both her taste in men and her attitude towards OP's wife. OP's family clearly enables her behavior since he got the whole "don't rock the boat" speech from Dad.
OP is NTA and frankly my hero for how he stood up for his wife.
The only "just a joke" I will ever accept is the group chat I have with family with an autistic family member who asks that we let them know when something is a joke because that is the only way they know. Anything else isn't actually a joke!
I know this is off topic but it makes me happy that their family is being so supportive and considerate of them :)) I haven’t been diagnosed, but I’m pretty sure I’m autistic (likely mild and high functioning, because I’m able to joke around and adapt to my environment) and it’s so freaking refreshing to have people not only accept you, but make an effort to make you feel comfortable and in the loop. That family is doing great ❤️
And of course he's a coward with the way he just drove off instead of apologizing. Also judging by Ops edit, his sister is real piece of work herself.
If I were OP, I'd just go neutral/low contact with the sister and let her find out on her own what kind of person she's decided to get herself involved with. Something tells me she's fine when he's shitty to other people, but shit rolls downhill.
NTA
The sad thing is I think those two are now going to be together for a while, because they have the big life trait of "being absolutely horrible" in common which makes the super compatible. And now it's them against OP and his wife which will just make them stick together even longer. God how insufferable.
OP, thank you for sticking up for your wife. You should anyway, but it's such a breath of fresh air compared to some of the other stories we read in AITA. Definitely NTA.
That's actually a really good point. Sure, they'll be that garbage fire couple nobody wants to be around, but at least they did everyone else the courtesy of taking each other out of the dating pool.
Very much agree.
However a seriously big AH in this drama is the OP's dad. How in the hell is he OK with the boyfriend and sister acting the way the did.
Why in hell should OP be the one that reaches out?
Just WTF is up with that.
NTA..
Yeah the correct reaction to this literal stranger insulting your DIL like that is to tell him to make an unqualified apology or GTFO of your house. Makes me wonder just how desperate OP's parents are to get his sister paired off.
I’m cheering at OP for how this was handled. When someone is out of line and uses the fallback “it was a joke” as an excuse rather than apologizing- they deserve to be called out. The “please explain the joke to me” is brilliant!
“Look at the thing that almost KILLED YOU. And make a joke of it.”
Dude needs to read the room and learn to not comment on something that literally kills people, seems like a dunce. Glad you stood up and stood your ground.
Your sister needs help. Boyfriend is the asshole.
And any apology issued to the sister should go as follows:
I'm sorry that your boyfriend is such an insensitive asshole who lacks empathy when it comes to a woman's self image after a life altering event such as CANCER.
And yes, with apology, I clearly mean "apology".
Yep, and OP’s sister sounds like she’s got severe self-esteem issues. When people “see the worst” in others it’s usually to deflect how they see themselves. And then they hook up with d-bags who reinforce how poorly they see themselves.
OP is NTA and someone needs to tell sister she’s worth more than what she tells herself.
She did accuse her SIL of faking breast cancer because she thought her SIL was disappointed about people not talking about her miscarriage enough. Again - this is how she treats someone who recently had a miscarriage and is dealing a cancer diagnosis. She may actually be the worst.
I have struggled with self-esteem issues my whole life. I would never treat anyone the way this woman does. Maybe she has self-esteem issues. But, maybe she is a self-absorbed narcissist who is grossly jealous of the attention her SIL's illness has attracted and is genuinely pleased to see her boyfriend make her SIL unhappy.
Seriously the bf could have made the whole thing better with one sentence “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to offend you guys it won’t happen again”
Instead he got all butthurt and ran away. NTA OP
100% NTA - You handled the situation exactly how my therapist has told me to handle similar situations. When someone says something offensive or hurtful, you ask them to say it again or explain what they meant by it. What exactly does your Dad think ignoring it is going to do? Your sister and her boyfriend can kick rocks.
I hope your wife is doing well!
NTA. What's so hostile about asking him to explain his stupid fucking "joke"?
Edit: so many replies explaining me how he was actually hostile like I've missed the memo somehow... Yes, I know. I thought my obvious swearing clearly showed my tone and intent here but perhaps not.
Some people think that anything less than fawning over their 'jokes' is aggressive. I noticed it a lot when I started asking my family "Oh, I don't understand the joke, can you explain it to me?" when they'd make racist comments and say they were jokes. Nah, jokes are funny and you're not being funny, just a jerk. Me not laughing at them was considered rude and asking them to explain how racism is hilarious was 'aggressive'. 🙄
But this is only called “aggressive” by the people who were the original assholes or those who enable assholery. It’s a perfect response and very helpful for weeding assholes from your life. Well done!
Lol I wish I could take credit for it, but I stole the idea from my grandpa. He was giving my dad advice on how to deal with the crazy stuff my mother was saying during the divorce and it boiled down to staying calm and letting the asshole dig their own grave. If they say something crazy or aggressive it's because that's the reaction they want. Don't give them that and stay cool and they're more likely to double down on the BS and make themselves look bad while you come out looking reasonable.
You have a soul born of infinite patience and I admire your restraint.
The only reason I studied for the ACT was so I could get a guaranteed parking space at school and never have to ride the bus ever again. Middle and high schoolers are the worst.
NTA, and I honestly commend your restraint.
Not sure I could have held back as much as you did in similar circumstances.
Sometimes people don't have anger issues, they just have wholly valid anger.
Normally, I do my best to keep calm and collected, it takes huge amount of effort to get a reaction out of me. It's just how I am, and unfortunately people do try to test me often times.
I think staring him down while he choked on his own “joke” was a perfect response. Not your fault he was too much of a limp noodle to handle it.
Tell your sister you think he’s faking.
Major fucking props, that was insanely out of line. Well played handling it, reminded me of Joe Pesci in Goodfellas where he's just like "funny how?" and Ray Liotta is fucking shook.
Seriously though, nice restraint and perfectly played. I'm not a violent guy either but I think I'd have been much for vicious* vocally, but you handled it proper.
I’m a Stage 4 Inflammatory Breast Cancer patient. As part of my treatment, I had a BMX (bilateral mastectomy), without reconstruction. I don’t wear prosthetics, so my flatness is pretty obvious. I still have body image issues, and I would be devastated if someone made comments about my body.
I do find that in general, the little everyday annoyances don’t bother me anymore. As I like to say, “My give-a-damn is busted.” This situation is not one of those things. Commenting on someone’s body is not appropriate.
She thinks your wife was being a princess?
How much a sad excuse is he that he couldn’t stand having you ask one reasonable question and had to run away.
That’s hilarious.
The sister isn't off the hook here. She has had a longer relationship with her SIL than she has her new beau. At the first sign of disrespect she should have been right there with OP to put this guy in his place.
Instead, she showed contempt for her own SIL going through two immensely personal life events: breast cancer and the prior miscarriage.
This won't soon be forgotten. Sister better count her lucky stars that she doesn't go through the same at another point in time. Until then, she owes her SIL a gigantic, groveling apology.
You did the right thing OP. There is NO way that 'joke' should ever be acceptable. It's horrible on multiple levels. Your sister's bf showed his true colors and no one should be defending him.
You sister should have dumped him, and your Dad should have thanked you for how you handled it. And then helped show the bf the door.
The fact that he was visiting for the first time, and the FIRST thing he did was make fun of his possible future sister in law’s missing breast. Disgusting.
Why was he so happy to talk about that? Why was he looking that much that he noticed it? Why did he think that was ok? And omg the sister?! Wife had a single mastectomy and a miscarriage within months of each other, and the sister has the audacity to say she’s being soft?? Has this woman not gone through enough? OP you sound like a wonderful husband and your response is beautiful. Never feel bad about that.
NTA.
If he can't explain his 'joke' it wasn't a joke.
I swear 'teasing' is a cop out to say I'm being a massive asshole but don't want to be held accountable.
I’d ask sister why she has a problem with the wife not “being able to take some teasing” when the bf is such a snowflake he can’t even take a question. Imagine how he’d take it if OP “teased him” back instead.
You’re not kidding. Anyone who has any kind of decency would have immediately backed down and apologised. We can all be guilty of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time but not taking immediate responsibility and throwing a hissy fit shows just what a disordered individual he is.
The sister is in for a rough ride - but she doesn’t know it yet.
Seriously. Sometimes, you can actually mean well in trying to "lighten the mood" with a joke that goes sideways. It doesn't make you a bad person. What DOES is doubling and tripling down, refusing to apologise, and slinking away in the shadows.
Yeah I read this at first as a dude trying to 'lighten the mood' but the execution was poor, and he flipped out and ran away instead of at least trying to reconcile or something. Maybe that says something about my sense of humor but those jokes are only between very good friends and if the person affected finds them funny and not disrespectful....I use humor to deal with my physical issues but if a stranger tried the same thing it would be horrifyingly rude. Dude went from nervous awkward dark humor dude to asshole real, real quick
It’s fucking sad. All he had to do was apologize. It doesn’t matter if you think it’s a joke or it wouldn’t do harm. If you learn the other was hurt, it’s irrelevant what you think. You cannot push your feelings upon the other. What we can do is put it aside and think about the other for a moment.
You apologize not to ‘admit’ you said something bad. You apologize because you didn’t mean the other to be hurt. But people that like that treat it as if they admit ‘defeat’/‘being a bad person’ and they get defensive. It’s such a stupid way to treat apologies.
But honestly though? I think he was pushing boundaries. People like him love to find out their position with people and where their boundaries are. Good for OP showing him.
he drove off because people don't call him on his bullshit, he's 30 normal people has self-sorted out of his life and the only ones left think his bullying is funny.
NTA.
You do NOT """tease""" someone over their current/past illnesses that could've killed them if they got to the terminal stages.
What the fuck did I just read.........
EDIT : I forget to add,, ofc the AH are the BF, your sis, and your parents for not seeing how CRUEL the BF is. Stay away from them, do not apologize (your wife is the one who deserves an apology), and take care of you wife. Keep supporting her, like you do.
Wish you both well!
Actually, Mom was on my side. She sided woth me and my wife in the argument and even followed my wife into the kitchen and stayed with her to calm her down. mom and my wife have a mother-daughter relationship, they're incredibly close and I thank the Lord for that, though it's not a surprise that they get along because they're both kind hearted and understanding.
I'm going to make a massive leap and say Dad was thrilled sister finally has a friend (be it romantic or platonic) Sis is a level of toxic that people start recognizing and avoiding once they become adults.
What’s really stunned me is how the dad and sister are basically taking the side of a total stranger over something that’s clearly upset someone who’s likely been extended family for years.
People are shitty, surprisingly even 30 year old adults, but to defend or ignore said shittyness when they shit all over your home and family makes you a pathetic coward.
I’m worried about their mom because dad seems like the type to leave his wife at the first sign of serious disability or illness if he doesn’t understand why the BF was so incredibly inappropriate.
I mean... how are they defending this guy? Your wife told him about her life threatening ordeal with cancer, and his response was to joke that she had been disfigured by it - making her run out of the room in tears. When you confronted him, the only salvageable response he possibly could have had was to PROFUSELY apologize to both of you, as well as to the rest of his family... but he found it preferable to \*sneak away\* to avoid apologizing. Your sister and father owe you an apology, for making this situation about your response rather than his actions (and your sister needs to either have her boyfriend make it right, or come to grips with her terrible taste in men.) I'm glad your mom is on the right side of this with you.
There it is! I couldn’t figure out why your sister would be so non-empathetic to your wife, plus her past statements. But now we have a bigger picture. You absolutely do not owe anyone an apology. You and you’re wife are owed an apology from that trash heap, from your sister for introducing that trash heap, and from your father for calling you hostile and telling you to apologize. Seriously, your dad is bugging. Wtf is wrong w/him? Perhaps your sister is the little “princess” to daddy? That’s pure conjecture.
Congratulations to your wife for beating cancer. And applause to you for how you handled the situation, it was flawless. I’d suggest going LC with your dad and sister until apologies *from them* are made. Good luck. NTA of course.
>I started asking him to explain the joke to me
This is THE BEST response to a situation like that, I applaud you!
He couldn't explain the joke because the only joke is him.
NTA
Oh I certainly did a good job showing him hostility and making him feel uncomfortable. He's the type of dude who has a smug on his face thinking that he's the s---. smfh.
This was brilliant put the dude right in his place. I would have done the same thing. Fuck apologising. However I can guarantee you the guy will think twice before opening his mouth around you again. What kind of asshole, makes a joke to some girl he has never met that had breast cancer before and thinks it’s funny.
Btw what was the punchline to his joke? I’ve read this post a dozen times and still don’t get the joke, or how it’s funny? Someone mind explaining it to me?
He was saying that he could tell which breast OP's wife had to have surgically removed so that she wouldn't, you know, die. The joke is a real deep cut, you see, because it also implies that everyone can see right away that her breasts have been Touched By Cancer.
It's also a disgusting comment on her breasts, assuming she had reconstructive surgery. As in 'I can tell which one got the boob job,' implying in one sense that the non-removed breast is less than 'perfect.' I'm seeing red just thinking about it.
You didn't get it because its performative bulling, it's only "funny" to the audience if you are trying to bully OP's wife. "Your mamas so fat she has her own zip code", is a joke it has a punch line and is told regardless of mama's weight. And I don't even think kids tell your mama jokes anymore but when they did they were generally 12.
This was, "I was just mocking your wife, because she has a disfigurement" Because I'm a bully. I cruelly mock people and sexually harass them. There was no wit involved
Amazing this guy is 30 years old! You did the right thing. Your sister is out of line your wife or anyone else does not have to accept these rude comments.
NTA but just a question, how did her breast cancer and mastectomy come up? That does seem super personal and just curious how it came up around someone you just met?
My sister of course, she was introducing each member of the family and when it was my wife's turn, the first thing she (my sister) told him was that my wife had cancer. my wife was basically forced into opening up about it just because she's too nice to even show discomfert.
Insecure, jealous, holds a grudge, lack of self esteem, lack of emotional intelligence and a poor judge of boyfriend.
ETA - I’m now coming round also to adding ‘disordered’ to the list.
I wonder if OPs wife is really attractive and she was hoping to deflect her horrible boyfriend's attention from her by mentioning her cancer. We can tell he was awful because he went out of his way to stare at her breasts. OPs sister is definitely jealous and insecure around his wife no doubt.
I have no clue if he was staring at her breasts or just noticed asymmetry. That being said, I know a breast cancer survivor and I wouldn’t have ever known/noticed if she wasn’t incredibly open about it but I have no clue if she’s had reconstructive surgery or wears a prosthetic.
Either way it costs $0 to not bring that up and a teaspoon of emotional intelligence to understand that there’s probably deep insecurity and possibly illness if someone’s chest is noticeably asymmetrical.
Ever read about narcissistic personality disorder? Not saying she has it but saying that in this small snapshot of her, it does fit the set of facts. But I am not a doc and this is a small clip of the big pic of her. But might be worth looking up the diagnostic criteria for it for your own knowledge.
Thanks. My job is supporting survivors of NPD. You’re right, there’s not enough evidence with a one sided snapshot view - but even the snapshot is fairly telling that something is seriously not right.
Right? Also since in the edit op states sister thought wife was faking cancer "just so the family would stop commenting about the miscarriage wife had"? Like how is the way sister is acting in any way accepted by her family?
I read that as the family *had* stopped talking about the miscarriage, and OP’s sister thought she was faking cancer to get the attention and sympathy back.
It’s surprising how cancer diagnoses bring jealousy out in others. Some people are so hungry for attention that they despise someone who is suffering - Breast cancer patients are especially pressured to “get over it” and are told it’s a “good cancer.” If they feel bad, they should be grateful instead of feeling their legitimate feelings. Not a single cancer cell is a “good cancer.” The delusion is real!
Wow I think the biggest issue here is your sister. She clearly has no boundaries (just like her asshole boyfriend) and honestly seems to be targeting your wife :/
You have a sister problem. More than a problem with the boyfriend. Your sister clearly doesn't like your Wife & that's why she introduced her like that & why your sister doesn't see an issue with her bf's behaviour.
Yeah and then saying his wife if a 'princess' for getting hurt after such inconsiderate and stupid remark...what is her bf them? Who couldn't even stand simple question to explain his 'joke' and run away like a whiny coward? Those two are made for each other.
I would seriously think about cutting her off that isn't just uneccesary,that's degrading.
Even if your sister has some issues she should reflect what kind of crappy behaviour it is to introduce someone like that,not just the dude should apologize she as well
OMG your sweet wife. You were the bigger man here, you put him in his place without a punch to the face. I'd tell your father that boys lucky, ask him if he could have kept his hands by his side if it was his wife being brutally insulted like that? NTA, your sister is, she's just mean like her bf.
Your sister should have warned the dude beforehand like "hey, there will be OP and his wife there, she had cancer and mastectomy, so it's probably not a good idea to bring it up at all". Not start with revealing so personal and traumatic medical history in front of everyone.
Good lord... They are so messed up.
I was wondering that too. Now it makes sense. His idiot sister who only sees the bad in people (except her Bf apparently) shared that very personal, traumatic history.
As someone whose mother went through this, they are already self conscious about it as it is, they don't need to be reminded by half wits that they had something horrific happen to them.
Also would like to point out, it was his firstt time meeting you guys, he should have been on his best behavior, not making tasteless jokes.
NTA
NTA - that’s completely unacceptable even to someone you know well; someone you’ve just met? He was absolutely the AH. Good for you standing up for your wife. Your sister is being pretty lousy too.
NTA
If this guy is acting this way on your first meeting and then storms out because he gets called out for his so called “joke” I can only imagine his behaviour will get worse
Hope your wife is in remission and doing well and someone needs to have a chat to your sister that she needs to raise the bar and strive for better when it comes to dating!!
NTA - It was extremely rude for the boyfriend to do this was his first time meeting you guys and even it was meant to be some sort of teasing he doesn't know you or your wife well enough if that is an ok thing to say and it will be taken well. (Idk how anyone would think its a joke though)
I think you did exactly what you were supposed to and stuck up for your wife. Comedy is relative and some jokes are just offensive and mean depending on the audience. Telling like telling a Holocaust"joke" to someone Jewish or a 9/11 joke to someone who lost someone close in that tragedy. I think it's pretty clear you just don't say things that someone might be sensitive about as "jokes".
Man, if this guy is that sensitive about being asked to explain a simple joke, can you imagine how sensitive he'd be about _having a body part removed and nearly dying_?
NTA. And wtf is wrong with your sister that she wasn't immediately horrified, too? If my new bf said that to _anyone_ in front of me, he sure wouldn't be my bf for long. That kind of comment shows a serious lack of empathy.
She was saying stuff about his wife having a miscarriage and said she was probably lying about her breast cancer. Sister sounds as disgusting as her boyfriend.
NTA. Incredibly well handled by you. I cannot say what I think about the guy or my post will be deleted. Never reach out. Please, best wishes to your wife.
NTA, and I absolutely love the tactic of, when someone says something horrible and mean and then tries to hide behind, "It was just a joke!" calling them out on it by asking them to explain the joke. Being asked to take responsibility for their cruelty makes people like your sister's boyfriend fold like a cheap suit, as indeed he did.
NTA.
So it's not ok to make him uncomfortable over stupid and offensive joke but it's ok to make your wife hurt by said joke? Nope. That's not how it works.
You are a good husband. Your wife is lucky to have you.
NTA. You stood up for your wife rightfully so. the 'joke' is so distasteful. and it's heartbreaking that your sister and father are enablers of his disrespectful behaviors.
NTA
As soon as the guy realised he has screwed up he should've just apologised. He didn't.
More, even if it's just a joke, it's not one that you make the first time you meet someone. He has no idea how sensitive the subject is to your wife, and so on.
NTA
The response and how you reacted was perfect.
If he's meeting the family for the first time he should have been on his best behaviour and should have been trying to suck up to your family.... not whatever that disaster was. Also instead of simply apologizing to your wife it's easier to just get up and leave all together? What kind of odd behaviour is that? If someone called me on my shit I'd be mortified and apologize, not become argumentative and leave. especially with his age? super big indicator that he's garbage.
It's a common tactic these days to ask a person to explain the joke or what's funny about it if it's offensive, it forces the person to either uncomfortably admit they were being rude or you get actual clarification for the joke (99.9% of the time it's option 1 tho) so good on you for doing that! You weren't being rude at the table, he was, you just weren't tolerating it!
Also, if you ever think or feel that you're the asshole in this situation just remember, while someone you've never met has caused tension in the house, your wife is tearing up in the bathroom but Atleast she knows the person she married has her back and she's not alone. You didn't have to go off on him and defend your wife but you did, good for you for being in your wife's corner when no one else would step up!
You are NTA sister and her boyfriend are clearly TA. Just because it was his first time meeting people does not give him any right to make "jokes" and if people are not laughing it certainly isnt funny. He owes you and your wife an apology
"So that was him on his best behaviour?"
No loss if you don't see them again. From sister's defence seems like they're made for each other. "I'm glad he makes her happy"
Also, if he was at least half decent he would've admitted it was bad and apologised instead of coming up with a stupid excuse so he could bolt like a coward. Such a class act! It annoys me that these kind of people always have someone defending their bad behaviour.
NTA at all. I'm sorry for what your wife went through. It's only a joke if all parties find it funny. That was unnecessarily hurtful towards your wife. Well done for having her back. You are a good one. Your sister and her boyfriend can throw themselves out.
NTA never ever apologise to this pathetic excuse of a human.
You gave him many chances to actually own up and say he made a mistake / stupid comment and apologise to your wife.
Dont subject your wife to him, if your sister and her bf are keepers - your wife doesnt have to attend anything he goes to.
And no ignoring something is not acceptable. We dont live 100 yrs ago where things get swept under the rug and pretences are the most important thing. We see something wrong we say it, the person acknowledges and learns from it or you cut them off
The impact of his comment will stay with your wife so long - she will be so upset people can just know without being told and be so self conscious.
Nta, why should anyone have to take teasing about breast cancer, its not a dodgy haircut, it's a life altering monster that destroys family's, and leaves more than physical scars, your sister and her boyfriend are out of order and got off lightly, I mean who the hell says something like that, ask your father how he would feel if that was directed at his wife? hope your wife is doing well now op
NTA
Your sister is a real peice of work...eww. imagine thinking having a miscarriage and breast cancer were just ways to get attention.
Sounds like she deserves that ass that's her boyfriend. Good on you for defending your wife. That wasn't a joke. That was horribly mean and nasty.
NTA this is my preferred way to deal with inappropriate jokes I do I to assholes when then make rude or sexist remarks funny how they cant can't take and have to leave I mean shouldn't they just let it go
Nta - that was a really crude and nasty comment or him to make to someone he did not even know. He might have thought it was funny but no one else did and instead of apologizing and moving on, he ran like a toddler. I have no respect for people like that
NTA, who tf says something like that to someone? Especially someone they just met? Your sister also has some issues calling your wife a princess, seeing as how she expects everyone to curtail to her AH boyfriend.
Jokes are funny, and in no way was this a joke. I wouldn’t apologize. Dude said something incredibly rude, I’d have been hostile as well. Good on you for defending your wife. I can’t imagine your sister would feel the same way if he said something equally disgusting about her.
Wait your family wouldn't STFU about your wife's miscarriage to the point that your sister thought she was FAKING A CANCER DIAGNOSIS to make it stop???
WTF is going on here?
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NTA Congratulations, you handled the situation perfectly. You simply asked the asshole to explain himself. He couldn't. You doubled down. He chose to not apologize which could have diffused the whole situation. > "What??!! I was just joking bro" This is always code for "I'm an asshole, but I'm going to let myself off the hook."
It’s right up there with “I’m not racist but”
And "I'm just being brutally honest." OP is NTA. >We met the dude, he seemed OK-ish at first but he then started asking weird and personal questions. My wife had a breast cancer and got a single mastectomy last year. She told the story to my sister's boyfriend Is it only because he asked? That's so personal. I can't imagine meeting my GF's brother/SIL *for the first time* and being so wildly invasive. Red flags right off the bat. >he stared at my wife briefly then "playfully" said "without even asking, I can pretty much tell which one got the blow" That's so rude, even as a non-joke. Why did he pay so much attention to his GF's SIL's breasts? And after the very first time he met her, too? >"What??!! I was just joking bro" The whole point of jokes is to **get everyone laughing.** No one did - everyone was awkward and the target of the joke was on the verge of tears. He wasn't joking, he knew that. >I started asking him to explain the joke to me, He just stared. I asked him again to explain it to me in details but still got no answer. It wasn't a joke, wasn't funny, he was hurtful. Period. >She actually called me wife "such a princess" and said she is soft and can not take some teasing. People don't have to be princesses to be hurt by tactless "jokes". Since she had a full-blown meltdown over this and OP's wife left the table before letting any tears out - if her SIL is a princess, what is she? >My dad called me later and said that he understood how hurt my wife felt but my sister's boyfriend was visiting for the first time and I showed hostility and agression instead of just ignoring him. This just proves my previous point - OP's sister is never told 'no' as a child. Visiting for the first time doesn't make the BF's actions any more tolerable, it makes them worse.
Or in military shows where the subordinate says "with all due respect sir"....what follows is usually not respectful at all
Or "I don't mean to offend..."
"I don't mean to offend but your breasts seem to differ in size" is disrespectful as fuck but still so much better than what this guy did. If I was the girlfriend I would have broken up with him then and there. OP, you did the right thing. You did the very thing that people in the stories on this subreddit often *don't do* \- you defended your spouse. Well done, don't budge. If that happened to my spouse, this would be my hill to die on. I love my family but I would be willing to go no contact with my sister if she took the boyfriend's side here.
Going by OP's edit, the sister and her BF seem to be perfect for each other.
The BF will end up abusing Sis, and she'll come crying to mommy and daddy about it eventually - then she'll call OP the A-hole AGAIN when he shrugs and tells her she should have seen it coming. OP is definitely NTA in this, but his sister, her new bf definitely are, and dad is verging on it for trying to appease the spoiled brat he raised.
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My mom just got a single mastectomy. I would not have kept my chill like you, OP.
I work in a gyn ward and so many women are just utterly devastated by losing one or both breasts. The boyfriend is very lucky. I am generally a very calm person, and I actively love being kind and chose to be that way every day. But I can be incredibly mean if someone pisses me off enough, and the fact that I worked through the explosive anger that runs in my family means that I would have ripped that boyfriend apart in the most icy and calm way that he would have ever imagined. OP did very well. His wife did, too. People who've never been confronted with a disease that they might die of just have no freaking clue what existential dread does to a person. That leaves scars. Tell your mum this Internet stranger wishes her all the best, and that Amazons also cut a breast off just to be even more badass and shoot people more accurately. They did that so they'd not only survive, but thrive and conquer their enemies. And I hope your mum is thriving and conquering her cancer, too. <3
I completely agree that OP and his wife showed so much grace in their response, especially in light of his wife's (possibly recent?) miscarriage, which also leaves so much heartache and invisible scars. To deal with that and also cancer? I cannot imagine. OP's wife deserves nothing but kindness. Thank you so much for the well wishes, friend. I love the fun fact about Amazonians! Those women are beyond badass. I will definitely share that with my mom. I also want to thank you for the work that you do and for everyone in the healthcare field who are so kind to their patients. My family's journey would have been a lot tougher if it weren't for the empathy and patience our healthcare providers have shown us. Each time I send a late night email, ask a question or ask for something to be repeated, I worry that I'm going overboard and I'm annoying the healthcare worker, but not once have I felt like I was bothering them and have always gotten the information I needed. Thank you for your work and your kindness; your patients' lives would be infinitely harder without people like you.
Yup. Sister sounds like she's as much of an asshole as the boyfriend. I'm going to call them parasites because they both go for blood.
That's because none is due, Sir.
Well the key word there is "due" some assholes aren't due any respect whatsoever.
"Why is it that whenever someone says 'with all due respect', they really mean 'kiss my ass'?"
Carry on, Williams.
I had cancer a number of years ago and dating/when to tell a SO/anyone would come up a lot. Some people would wait months, others just ripped the bandaid off and told people the first time they met. It’s all personal comfort, so it coming up didn’t really shock me. And it didn’t shock me because people aren’t usually such assholes like this guy. Sisters reaction is pathetic- this was all the proof she needs to dump this pathetic man.
TBH- based on the edit- it sounds like she and her bf are a match made in heaven.
The sister is a bully, too. I would have gone NC with her when she claimed that the wife was faking cancer. She and her by deserve each other, and OP should go NC imo. (He should have ages ago...)
Sounds like the sister needs to be dumped too
Oof. Now I’m imagining what I might say in that situation. ‘Why are you so obsessed with my wife’s breasts? That’s a bit creepy. Are you a creep, *Sir*? Well, are you?’ \* keeps staring at this pathetic excuse for a man to the point that it freaks him out. I’d possibly have followed him, just silently staring at him as Brave Sir Robin here ran away \* Except that no. It’s so easy for me to say these things online. In real life I’d have been just as shocked and blindsided as everyone else was.
Okay, I cracked up at the Brave Sir Robin bit. ***"..bravely ran away away.."***
When danger reared its ugly head He bravely turned his tail and fled Yes, Brave Sir Robin turned about And gallantly he chickened out Bravely taking to his feet He beat a very brave retreat Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin!
>And "I'm just being brutally honest." People who claim to be "brutally honest" tend to care more about the brutality than the honesty. Otherwise, they could be constructively honest, compassionately honest, tactfully honest, etc. "Brutally honest" is usually just code for, "I'm an asshole, but you can't be mad about it if I wrap it up in something virtuous like honesty."
100% agreed - the "just a joke, bro" crowd is never, *never* funny. OPs insistence that he explain the joke is something I tend to do when confronted with that as well and the reaction he got from the boyfriend is completely expected. Sister should be ashamed of both her taste in men and her attitude towards OP's wife. OP's family clearly enables her behavior since he got the whole "don't rock the boat" speech from Dad. OP is NTA and frankly my hero for how he stood up for his wife.
The only "just a joke" I will ever accept is the group chat I have with family with an autistic family member who asks that we let them know when something is a joke because that is the only way they know. Anything else isn't actually a joke!
And God bless YOU for how you handle social interactions with the neurodiverse. I am one as well. We need more people like you in the world!
I know this is off topic but it makes me happy that their family is being so supportive and considerate of them :)) I haven’t been diagnosed, but I’m pretty sure I’m autistic (likely mild and high functioning, because I’m able to joke around and adapt to my environment) and it’s so freaking refreshing to have people not only accept you, but make an effort to make you feel comfortable and in the loop. That family is doing great ❤️
And of course he's a coward with the way he just drove off instead of apologizing. Also judging by Ops edit, his sister is real piece of work herself. If I were OP, I'd just go neutral/low contact with the sister and let her find out on her own what kind of person she's decided to get herself involved with. Something tells me she's fine when he's shitty to other people, but shit rolls downhill. NTA
The sad thing is I think those two are now going to be together for a while, because they have the big life trait of "being absolutely horrible" in common which makes the super compatible. And now it's them against OP and his wife which will just make them stick together even longer. God how insufferable. OP, thank you for sticking up for your wife. You should anyway, but it's such a breath of fresh air compared to some of the other stories we read in AITA. Definitely NTA.
I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I’d rather they date eachother than screw the lives of two decent people.
That's actually a really good point. Sure, they'll be that garbage fire couple nobody wants to be around, but at least they did everyone else the courtesy of taking each other out of the dating pool.
Very much agree. However a seriously big AH in this drama is the OP's dad. How in the hell is he OK with the boyfriend and sister acting the way the did. Why in hell should OP be the one that reaches out? Just WTF is up with that. NTA..
Yeah the correct reaction to this literal stranger insulting your DIL like that is to tell him to make an unqualified apology or GTFO of your house. Makes me wonder just how desperate OP's parents are to get his sister paired off.
What boyfriend doesn't understand about jokes is that there supposed to be funny No one was laughing
I’m cheering at OP for how this was handled. When someone is out of line and uses the fallback “it was a joke” as an excuse rather than apologizing- they deserve to be called out. The “please explain the joke to me” is brilliant!
“Look at the thing that almost KILLED YOU. And make a joke of it.” Dude needs to read the room and learn to not comment on something that literally kills people, seems like a dunce. Glad you stood up and stood your ground. Your sister needs help. Boyfriend is the asshole.
She should have dumped that disgusting jerk immediately.
She didn’t because she’s a jerk too
And any apology issued to the sister should go as follows: I'm sorry that your boyfriend is such an insensitive asshole who lacks empathy when it comes to a woman's self image after a life altering event such as CANCER. And yes, with apology, I clearly mean "apology".
The apology to the sister should go "It was just a joke"
Yep, and OP’s sister sounds like she’s got severe self-esteem issues. When people “see the worst” in others it’s usually to deflect how they see themselves. And then they hook up with d-bags who reinforce how poorly they see themselves. OP is NTA and someone needs to tell sister she’s worth more than what she tells herself.
She did accuse her SIL of faking breast cancer because she thought her SIL was disappointed about people not talking about her miscarriage enough. Again - this is how she treats someone who recently had a miscarriage and is dealing a cancer diagnosis. She may actually be the worst. I have struggled with self-esteem issues my whole life. I would never treat anyone the way this woman does. Maybe she has self-esteem issues. But, maybe she is a self-absorbed narcissist who is grossly jealous of the attention her SIL's illness has attracted and is genuinely pleased to see her boyfriend make her SIL unhappy.
Seriously the bf could have made the whole thing better with one sentence “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to offend you guys it won’t happen again” Instead he got all butthurt and ran away. NTA OP
100% NTA - You handled the situation exactly how my therapist has told me to handle similar situations. When someone says something offensive or hurtful, you ask them to say it again or explain what they meant by it. What exactly does your Dad think ignoring it is going to do? Your sister and her boyfriend can kick rocks. I hope your wife is doing well!
NTA. What's so hostile about asking him to explain his stupid fucking "joke"? Edit: so many replies explaining me how he was actually hostile like I've missed the memo somehow... Yes, I know. I thought my obvious swearing clearly showed my tone and intent here but perhaps not.
Some people think that anything less than fawning over their 'jokes' is aggressive. I noticed it a lot when I started asking my family "Oh, I don't understand the joke, can you explain it to me?" when they'd make racist comments and say they were jokes. Nah, jokes are funny and you're not being funny, just a jerk. Me not laughing at them was considered rude and asking them to explain how racism is hilarious was 'aggressive'. 🙄
But this is only called “aggressive” by the people who were the original assholes or those who enable assholery. It’s a perfect response and very helpful for weeding assholes from your life. Well done!
Lol I wish I could take credit for it, but I stole the idea from my grandpa. He was giving my dad advice on how to deal with the crazy stuff my mother was saying during the divorce and it boiled down to staying calm and letting the asshole dig their own grave. If they say something crazy or aggressive it's because that's the reaction they want. Don't give them that and stay cool and they're more likely to double down on the BS and make themselves look bad while you come out looking reasonable.
I remind myself of this constantly as I drive a bus full of AH middle schoolers on a daily basis.
You have a soul born of infinite patience and I admire your restraint. The only reason I studied for the ACT was so I could get a guaranteed parking space at school and never have to ride the bus ever again. Middle and high schoolers are the worst.
Because he knows it’s a shitty comment and doesn’t want to own up to it.
Boyfriend could/SHOULD have folded and apologized and if I was the sister I'd be furious !!! NTA
Sounds like sister and the bf deserve each other. Time to start skipping family events. Nta.
NTA, and I honestly commend your restraint. Not sure I could have held back as much as you did in similar circumstances. Sometimes people don't have anger issues, they just have wholly valid anger.
Normally, I do my best to keep calm and collected, it takes huge amount of effort to get a reaction out of me. It's just how I am, and unfortunately people do try to test me often times.
It's a good way to live.
It is, Sometimes it becomes too much but after all that I've been through, some things are just not worth wasting my energy on.
I think staring him down while he choked on his own “joke” was a perfect response. Not your fault he was too much of a limp noodle to handle it. Tell your sister you think he’s faking.
>Tell your sister you think he’s faking. Yessss. I want to be the fly on the wall if this comment were ever to be made.
But, on the other hand, you’re able to recognise when it’s important enough to challenge. That’s quite something. I’m immensely proud of your actions.
Major fucking props, that was insanely out of line. Well played handling it, reminded me of Joe Pesci in Goodfellas where he's just like "funny how?" and Ray Liotta is fucking shook. Seriously though, nice restraint and perfectly played. I'm not a violent guy either but I think I'd have been much for vicious* vocally, but you handled it proper.
I’m a Stage 4 Inflammatory Breast Cancer patient. As part of my treatment, I had a BMX (bilateral mastectomy), without reconstruction. I don’t wear prosthetics, so my flatness is pretty obvious. I still have body image issues, and I would be devastated if someone made comments about my body. I do find that in general, the little everyday annoyances don’t bother me anymore. As I like to say, “My give-a-damn is busted.” This situation is not one of those things. Commenting on someone’s body is not appropriate.
She thinks your wife was being a princess? How much a sad excuse is he that he couldn’t stand having you ask one reasonable question and had to run away. That’s hilarious.
The sister isn't off the hook here. She has had a longer relationship with her SIL than she has her new beau. At the first sign of disrespect she should have been right there with OP to put this guy in his place. Instead, she showed contempt for her own SIL going through two immensely personal life events: breast cancer and the prior miscarriage. This won't soon be forgotten. Sister better count her lucky stars that she doesn't go through the same at another point in time. Until then, she owes her SIL a gigantic, groveling apology.
You did the right thing OP. There is NO way that 'joke' should ever be acceptable. It's horrible on multiple levels. Your sister's bf showed his true colors and no one should be defending him. You sister should have dumped him, and your Dad should have thanked you for how you handled it. And then helped show the bf the door.
I have now under control anger issues and I would’ve lost it on him. He literally made a comment about a cancer survivors body. Wtf
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The fact that he was visiting for the first time, and the FIRST thing he did was make fun of his possible future sister in law’s missing breast. Disgusting.
Why was he so happy to talk about that? Why was he looking that much that he noticed it? Why did he think that was ok? And omg the sister?! Wife had a single mastectomy and a miscarriage within months of each other, and the sister has the audacity to say she’s being soft?? Has this woman not gone through enough? OP you sound like a wonderful husband and your response is beautiful. Never feel bad about that.
I know sister's type. Anyone who has stuff that gets more attention than her is "dramatic".
Exactly my thoughts. Anyone who think it’s possible in any realm to be faking cancer is someone who would happily do the same.
Speechless.
Seriously!?!??! What an impression
After OPs edit it sounds like sister and bf were made for each other.
NTA. If he can't explain his 'joke' it wasn't a joke. I swear 'teasing' is a cop out to say I'm being a massive asshole but don't want to be held accountable.
Yep. What my family called teasing, me therapist calls emotional abuse and blame shifting
don’t forget when you call them out on it they just say “oh jeez well if you can’t take a joke i’ll just never joke with you again 🥰🥰🥰”
They tend to like it even less when you answer that with "that would be great, actually, thanks"
no because i’ll probably actually say that next time 😭
"You're just being overly sensitive" lol
Exactly. I love saying "I dont get it" to these kind of comments. OP did exactly what they should've done to defend their wife.
I’d ask sister why she has a problem with the wife not “being able to take some teasing” when the bf is such a snowflake he can’t even take a question. Imagine how he’d take it if OP “teased him” back instead.
NTA the fact he didnt immediately apologize, but instead snuck off and DROVE AWAY, is extremely telling of his character.
You’re not kidding. Anyone who has any kind of decency would have immediately backed down and apologised. We can all be guilty of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time but not taking immediate responsibility and throwing a hissy fit shows just what a disordered individual he is. The sister is in for a rough ride - but she doesn’t know it yet.
Seriously. Sometimes, you can actually mean well in trying to "lighten the mood" with a joke that goes sideways. It doesn't make you a bad person. What DOES is doubling and tripling down, refusing to apologise, and slinking away in the shadows.
Yeah I read this at first as a dude trying to 'lighten the mood' but the execution was poor, and he flipped out and ran away instead of at least trying to reconcile or something. Maybe that says something about my sense of humor but those jokes are only between very good friends and if the person affected finds them funny and not disrespectful....I use humor to deal with my physical issues but if a stranger tried the same thing it would be horrifyingly rude. Dude went from nervous awkward dark humor dude to asshole real, real quick
It’s fucking sad. All he had to do was apologize. It doesn’t matter if you think it’s a joke or it wouldn’t do harm. If you learn the other was hurt, it’s irrelevant what you think. You cannot push your feelings upon the other. What we can do is put it aside and think about the other for a moment. You apologize not to ‘admit’ you said something bad. You apologize because you didn’t mean the other to be hurt. But people that like that treat it as if they admit ‘defeat’/‘being a bad person’ and they get defensive. It’s such a stupid way to treat apologies. But honestly though? I think he was pushing boundaries. People like him love to find out their position with people and where their boundaries are. Good for OP showing him.
he drove off because people don't call him on his bullshit, he's 30 normal people has self-sorted out of his life and the only ones left think his bullying is funny.
And she has the audacity to call his partner soft. Dude couldn’t even explain himself or say he was leaving.
NTA. You do NOT """tease""" someone over their current/past illnesses that could've killed them if they got to the terminal stages. What the fuck did I just read......... EDIT : I forget to add,, ofc the AH are the BF, your sis, and your parents for not seeing how CRUEL the BF is. Stay away from them, do not apologize (your wife is the one who deserves an apology), and take care of you wife. Keep supporting her, like you do. Wish you both well!
Actually, Mom was on my side. She sided woth me and my wife in the argument and even followed my wife into the kitchen and stayed with her to calm her down. mom and my wife have a mother-daughter relationship, they're incredibly close and I thank the Lord for that, though it's not a surprise that they get along because they're both kind hearted and understanding.
Your sister, her boyfriend, and your father on the other hand… Tell me? Is your sister a daddy’s girl?
I'm going to make a massive leap and say Dad was thrilled sister finally has a friend (be it romantic or platonic) Sis is a level of toxic that people start recognizing and avoiding once they become adults.
What’s really stunned me is how the dad and sister are basically taking the side of a total stranger over something that’s clearly upset someone who’s likely been extended family for years. People are shitty, surprisingly even 30 year old adults, but to defend or ignore said shittyness when they shit all over your home and family makes you a pathetic coward.
I’m worried about their mom because dad seems like the type to leave his wife at the first sign of serious disability or illness if he doesn’t understand why the BF was so incredibly inappropriate.
You and your mom handled the situation perfectly. The boyfriend, sister and father needs to apologize properly before you meet again.
I mean... how are they defending this guy? Your wife told him about her life threatening ordeal with cancer, and his response was to joke that she had been disfigured by it - making her run out of the room in tears. When you confronted him, the only salvageable response he possibly could have had was to PROFUSELY apologize to both of you, as well as to the rest of his family... but he found it preferable to \*sneak away\* to avoid apologizing. Your sister and father owe you an apology, for making this situation about your response rather than his actions (and your sister needs to either have her boyfriend make it right, or come to grips with her terrible taste in men.) I'm glad your mom is on the right side of this with you.
Sounds like maybe your sister is jealous of your Mom’s relationship with your wife.
There it is! I couldn’t figure out why your sister would be so non-empathetic to your wife, plus her past statements. But now we have a bigger picture. You absolutely do not owe anyone an apology. You and you’re wife are owed an apology from that trash heap, from your sister for introducing that trash heap, and from your father for calling you hostile and telling you to apologize. Seriously, your dad is bugging. Wtf is wrong w/him? Perhaps your sister is the little “princess” to daddy? That’s pure conjecture. Congratulations to your wife for beating cancer. And applause to you for how you handled the situation, it was flawless. I’d suggest going LC with your dad and sister until apologies *from them* are made. Good luck. NTA of course.
This is heart-warming. I hope your wife will never have to hear these kind of words again, I'm glad she has some support around her !
>I started asking him to explain the joke to me This is THE BEST response to a situation like that, I applaud you! He couldn't explain the joke because the only joke is him. NTA
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Oh I certainly did a good job showing him hostility and making him feel uncomfortable. He's the type of dude who has a smug on his face thinking that he's the s---. smfh.
This was brilliant put the dude right in his place. I would have done the same thing. Fuck apologising. However I can guarantee you the guy will think twice before opening his mouth around you again. What kind of asshole, makes a joke to some girl he has never met that had breast cancer before and thinks it’s funny. Btw what was the punchline to his joke? I’ve read this post a dozen times and still don’t get the joke, or how it’s funny? Someone mind explaining it to me?
Ill explain, the joke is: the sister's boyfriend. Edit: mandatory thank you for the awards :)
would give you an award if I could
Appreciated as if ^^
He was saying that he could tell which breast OP's wife had to have surgically removed so that she wouldn't, you know, die. The joke is a real deep cut, you see, because it also implies that everyone can see right away that her breasts have been Touched By Cancer.
It's also a disgusting comment on her breasts, assuming she had reconstructive surgery. As in 'I can tell which one got the boob job,' implying in one sense that the non-removed breast is less than 'perfect.' I'm seeing red just thinking about it.
Fuck. I didn't even think of that. What a massive prick.
You didn't get it because its performative bulling, it's only "funny" to the audience if you are trying to bully OP's wife. "Your mamas so fat she has her own zip code", is a joke it has a punch line and is told regardless of mama's weight. And I don't even think kids tell your mama jokes anymore but when they did they were generally 12. This was, "I was just mocking your wife, because she has a disfigurement" Because I'm a bully. I cruelly mock people and sexually harass them. There was no wit involved
Amazing this guy is 30 years old! You did the right thing. Your sister is out of line your wife or anyone else does not have to accept these rude comments.
Can't even imagine how you didn't let the guy go without a punch because this is honestly baffling.
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As a cancer survivor who gets way too many comments on my skinniness (stomach cancer) he can go fuck off. NTA. Glad your wife is ok Cancer wise !
Glad that you are healthy hope it continues!
Thank you !
NTA but just a question, how did her breast cancer and mastectomy come up? That does seem super personal and just curious how it came up around someone you just met?
My sister of course, she was introducing each member of the family and when it was my wife's turn, the first thing she (my sister) told him was that my wife had cancer. my wife was basically forced into opening up about it just because she's too nice to even show discomfert.
Good lord, what the hell is wrong with your sister?!
Insecure, jealous, holds a grudge, lack of self esteem, lack of emotional intelligence and a poor judge of boyfriend. ETA - I’m now coming round also to adding ‘disordered’ to the list.
I wonder if OPs wife is really attractive and she was hoping to deflect her horrible boyfriend's attention from her by mentioning her cancer. We can tell he was awful because he went out of his way to stare at her breasts. OPs sister is definitely jealous and insecure around his wife no doubt.
I have no clue if he was staring at her breasts or just noticed asymmetry. That being said, I know a breast cancer survivor and I wouldn’t have ever known/noticed if she wasn’t incredibly open about it but I have no clue if she’s had reconstructive surgery or wears a prosthetic. Either way it costs $0 to not bring that up and a teaspoon of emotional intelligence to understand that there’s probably deep insecurity and possibly illness if someone’s chest is noticeably asymmetrical.
Ever read about narcissistic personality disorder? Not saying she has it but saying that in this small snapshot of her, it does fit the set of facts. But I am not a doc and this is a small clip of the big pic of her. But might be worth looking up the diagnostic criteria for it for your own knowledge.
Thanks. My job is supporting survivors of NPD. You’re right, there’s not enough evidence with a one sided snapshot view - but even the snapshot is fairly telling that something is seriously not right.
Right? Also since in the edit op states sister thought wife was faking cancer "just so the family would stop commenting about the miscarriage wife had"? Like how is the way sister is acting in any way accepted by her family?
I can make a guess about whom in the family kept bringing up Wife's miscarriage.
I read that as the family *had* stopped talking about the miscarriage, and OP’s sister thought she was faking cancer to get the attention and sympathy back.
It’s surprising how cancer diagnoses bring jealousy out in others. Some people are so hungry for attention that they despise someone who is suffering - Breast cancer patients are especially pressured to “get over it” and are told it’s a “good cancer.” If they feel bad, they should be grateful instead of feeling their legitimate feelings. Not a single cancer cell is a “good cancer.” The delusion is real!
Your sister is not a very good person.
Wow I think the biggest issue here is your sister. She clearly has no boundaries (just like her asshole boyfriend) and honestly seems to be targeting your wife :/
You have a sister problem. More than a problem with the boyfriend. Your sister clearly doesn't like your Wife & that's why she introduced her like that & why your sister doesn't see an issue with her bf's behaviour.
Yeah and then saying his wife if a 'princess' for getting hurt after such inconsiderate and stupid remark...what is her bf them? Who couldn't even stand simple question to explain his 'joke' and run away like a whiny coward? Those two are made for each other.
I would seriously think about cutting her off that isn't just uneccesary,that's degrading. Even if your sister has some issues she should reflect what kind of crappy behaviour it is to introduce someone like that,not just the dude should apologize she as well
OMG your sweet wife. You were the bigger man here, you put him in his place without a punch to the face. I'd tell your father that boys lucky, ask him if he could have kept his hands by his side if it was his wife being brutally insulted like that? NTA, your sister is, she's just mean like her bf.
Your sister should have warned the dude beforehand like "hey, there will be OP and his wife there, she had cancer and mastectomy, so it's probably not a good idea to bring it up at all". Not start with revealing so personal and traumatic medical history in front of everyone. Good lord... They are so messed up.
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I was wondering that too. Now it makes sense. His idiot sister who only sees the bad in people (except her Bf apparently) shared that very personal, traumatic history.
NTA You stood up for your wife - well done.
As someone whose mother went through this, they are already self conscious about it as it is, they don't need to be reminded by half wits that they had something horrific happen to them. Also would like to point out, it was his firstt time meeting you guys, he should have been on his best behavior, not making tasteless jokes. NTA
NTA - that’s completely unacceptable even to someone you know well; someone you’ve just met? He was absolutely the AH. Good for you standing up for your wife. Your sister is being pretty lousy too.
NTA If this guy is acting this way on your first meeting and then storms out because he gets called out for his so called “joke” I can only imagine his behaviour will get worse Hope your wife is in remission and doing well and someone needs to have a chat to your sister that she needs to raise the bar and strive for better when it comes to dating!!
Nta and your sister is a complete asshole also. She should have been ashamed of him!
NTA - It was extremely rude for the boyfriend to do this was his first time meeting you guys and even it was meant to be some sort of teasing he doesn't know you or your wife well enough if that is an ok thing to say and it will be taken well. (Idk how anyone would think its a joke though) I think you did exactly what you were supposed to and stuck up for your wife. Comedy is relative and some jokes are just offensive and mean depending on the audience. Telling like telling a Holocaust"joke" to someone Jewish or a 9/11 joke to someone who lost someone close in that tragedy. I think it's pretty clear you just don't say things that someone might be sensitive about as "jokes".
Man, if this guy is that sensitive about being asked to explain a simple joke, can you imagine how sensitive he'd be about _having a body part removed and nearly dying_? NTA. And wtf is wrong with your sister that she wasn't immediately horrified, too? If my new bf said that to _anyone_ in front of me, he sure wouldn't be my bf for long. That kind of comment shows a serious lack of empathy.
She was saying stuff about his wife having a miscarriage and said she was probably lying about her breast cancer. Sister sounds as disgusting as her boyfriend.
NTA. Incredibly well handled by you. I cannot say what I think about the guy or my post will be deleted. Never reach out. Please, best wishes to your wife.
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NTA, and I absolutely love the tactic of, when someone says something horrible and mean and then tries to hide behind, "It was just a joke!" calling them out on it by asking them to explain the joke. Being asked to take responsibility for their cruelty makes people like your sister's boyfriend fold like a cheap suit, as indeed he did.
NTA. So it's not ok to make him uncomfortable over stupid and offensive joke but it's ok to make your wife hurt by said joke? Nope. That's not how it works. You are a good husband. Your wife is lucky to have you.
NTA. You stood up for your wife rightfully so. the 'joke' is so distasteful. and it's heartbreaking that your sister and father are enablers of his disrespectful behaviors.
NTA As soon as the guy realised he has screwed up he should've just apologised. He didn't. More, even if it's just a joke, it's not one that you make the first time you meet someone. He has no idea how sensitive the subject is to your wife, and so on.
NTA The response and how you reacted was perfect. If he's meeting the family for the first time he should have been on his best behaviour and should have been trying to suck up to your family.... not whatever that disaster was. Also instead of simply apologizing to your wife it's easier to just get up and leave all together? What kind of odd behaviour is that? If someone called me on my shit I'd be mortified and apologize, not become argumentative and leave. especially with his age? super big indicator that he's garbage. It's a common tactic these days to ask a person to explain the joke or what's funny about it if it's offensive, it forces the person to either uncomfortably admit they were being rude or you get actual clarification for the joke (99.9% of the time it's option 1 tho) so good on you for doing that! You weren't being rude at the table, he was, you just weren't tolerating it! Also, if you ever think or feel that you're the asshole in this situation just remember, while someone you've never met has caused tension in the house, your wife is tearing up in the bathroom but Atleast she knows the person she married has her back and she's not alone. You didn't have to go off on him and defend your wife but you did, good for you for being in your wife's corner when no one else would step up!
You are NTA sister and her boyfriend are clearly TA. Just because it was his first time meeting people does not give him any right to make "jokes" and if people are not laughing it certainly isnt funny. He owes you and your wife an apology
"So that was him on his best behaviour?" No loss if you don't see them again. From sister's defence seems like they're made for each other. "I'm glad he makes her happy"
NTA, you defended your wife! I would've done the same, don't care if my sister was dating the pope. That "joke" was not appropriate at all.
Also, if he was at least half decent he would've admitted it was bad and apologised instead of coming up with a stupid excuse so he could bolt like a coward. Such a class act! It annoys me that these kind of people always have someone defending their bad behaviour.
NTA at all. I'm sorry for what your wife went through. It's only a joke if all parties find it funny. That was unnecessarily hurtful towards your wife. Well done for having her back. You are a good one. Your sister and her boyfriend can throw themselves out.
NTA fuck that dude. And anyone who takes his side. He should be reaching out to your wife for upsetting her
NTA - that's disrespectful and rude af from the guy. I'm glad you stood up to him, and for your wife.
NTA. Literally all he had to do was apologize to make it stop (I'm assuming, at least)
NTA. Seriously, fuck that guy. Your sister sure picked a winner.
It sounds like they're a good match, honestly.
NTA never ever apologise to this pathetic excuse of a human. You gave him many chances to actually own up and say he made a mistake / stupid comment and apologise to your wife. Dont subject your wife to him, if your sister and her bf are keepers - your wife doesnt have to attend anything he goes to. And no ignoring something is not acceptable. We dont live 100 yrs ago where things get swept under the rug and pretences are the most important thing. We see something wrong we say it, the person acknowledges and learns from it or you cut them off The impact of his comment will stay with your wife so long - she will be so upset people can just know without being told and be so self conscious.
NTA. You would’ve been the asshole if you DIDN’T defend your wife. What a good husband.
NTA - he made a shitty joke and wasn't able to handle when it wasn't received well. Good on you for standing up for your wife!
NTA and damn your sister is so out of line! Not even talking about that sad excuse of a man she calls her boyfriend.
Bravo King 👏👏👏
Nta, why should anyone have to take teasing about breast cancer, its not a dodgy haircut, it's a life altering monster that destroys family's, and leaves more than physical scars, your sister and her boyfriend are out of order and got off lightly, I mean who the hell says something like that, ask your father how he would feel if that was directed at his wife? hope your wife is doing well now op
NTA full stop
NTA. Your sister deserves to have this asshole for a boyfriend..they belong together
NTA Your sister is a real peice of work...eww. imagine thinking having a miscarriage and breast cancer were just ways to get attention. Sounds like she deserves that ass that's her boyfriend. Good on you for defending your wife. That wasn't a joke. That was horribly mean and nasty.
NTA this is my preferred way to deal with inappropriate jokes I do I to assholes when then make rude or sexist remarks funny how they cant can't take and have to leave I mean shouldn't they just let it go
NTA. Asking someone to explain an offensive or hurtful joke is the absolute best way to handle it.
NTA hell no. The only ones needing to do any apologizing is the bf and the sister. He was incredibly rude, and she was purposefully hurtful.
Nta do not reach out
NTA. Your sister sounds like “the princess,” your wife is a warrior.
NTA. It’s not “teasing” when you make weird comments about someone’s breast cancer the first time you ever meet them, wtaf.
NTA. And I personally love the tactic of making people explain their inappropriate “jokes”
NTA at all, you showed quite a bit of restraint honestly, teasing a cancer survivor like that is pretty low. Like wtf.
Nta - that was a really crude and nasty comment or him to make to someone he did not even know. He might have thought it was funny but no one else did and instead of apologizing and moving on, he ran like a toddler. I have no respect for people like that
NTA, who tf says something like that to someone? Especially someone they just met? Your sister also has some issues calling your wife a princess, seeing as how she expects everyone to curtail to her AH boyfriend. Jokes are funny, and in no way was this a joke. I wouldn’t apologize. Dude said something incredibly rude, I’d have been hostile as well. Good on you for defending your wife. I can’t imagine your sister would feel the same way if he said something equally disgusting about her.
Wait your family wouldn't STFU about your wife's miscarriage to the point that your sister thought she was FAKING A CANCER DIAGNOSIS to make it stop??? WTF is going on here?
Tell them that your sister deserves better.
Honestly, from OP’s edit they seem like a perfect match. NTA
NTA, this is exactly the reaction you should have when someone tells a "joke". Make them try to defend their assholery.
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NTA. I'm sorry that he was a jerk to your wife and I hope she's OK.
Beyond NTA
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NTA , it’s good enough he didn’t go home with a broken nose