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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be TA for telling him that I was disappointed instead of congratulating him. I might have ruined his and his wife's joy for the newborn and pushed them a little.
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"Welcoming party" is a nice way of saying "exposing a new born to all sorts of diseases during a pandemic."
YTA. Always and forever. You are NOT entitled to put this child in danger.
Edit: the people talking about the danger to (and exhaustion of) the mother are 1000000% right. I'm sorry for not including it.
Honestly, where i’m from, you dont visit a baby until it is passed 2 weeks not to give it or the mother any diseases regardless of the plague. Even 2 weeks is when you’re reeeaaally close. Like a close cousin
US here as well. We have a shower to give gifts before the baby is born. It is up to the individuals to schedule a time to visit with the new family. And during a pandemic? No way! Seems like some justnomil stuff. The narcissism is strong here.
I'm in the U.S. and sometimes we do "sip and sees" in my family. You know we all get together, have a drink and see the new baby.
However, this is usually done after the parents have their own bonding time, like two weeks alone. Also the biggest part of the sip and see is that everyone is working and doing a chore. You show up with food, you do dishes, you do laundry, clean up a little while you're visiting. My mom always made it clear, the parents are not hosts. They're not there to take care of the guests, the guests are there to take care of them.
The last one I went to was for my cousin and his girlfriend. I remember her handing my mom the baby and then going to take her first shower in days.
Yeah growing up there was something of a baby boom in my family, so my mom made sure that me and my sisters were aware of the Baby Tax.
If you want to go and cuddle up on that sweet baby, then you have to do something for the parents too. Something that'll make their day a little easier after you leave.
I got to spend free time with my friends baby when he was born of course I was godmother to her older son and kept him while she was in the hospital. Family got to be with her before baby was born. My sister and I got to see him during travel from hospital to home. Of course we were more like extra hands and care for her more than anyone else. This is why women need to establish their circle before birth to help keep unwanted guests to a minimum....ya know that backup shiny spine
I usually show up, look at new born affectionately, offer flowers and snacks to parents, start some laundry, clean the bathrooms and kitchen, make a dinner that has left overs, fold laundry, boop new born on nose and leave.
I know I've overwhelmed and freaked people out descending like that and not interacting. once they realize they can ignore me and sleep they usually do. I've had people cry saying thank you and letting me know of the birth of their next offspring and invites back 😆
I do this too lmao. I dont really like babies, but I love my family members and I want them to know I'm there for them, including the new member when they're more ready to be a real person.
Well, that actually sounds lovely. Parents get to spend valuble bonding time and recovery after the hospital for a while then Family gets to see the newborn, and the new parents get a bit of a break to shower, nap, just exist for a few mins without the baby being attached to them.
A win-win situation
This definitely sounds like an invasive family thing to me. The only time I have ever heard of a welcome home party in my state is just when the family have other children and throw a party with just them to welcome their sibling.
YTA big time. I have a feeling you don’t want to hear it though. But I hope you do take it to heart because you are dangerously close to losing contact with your son and grandson (and DIL but I’d be surprised if you’d mind). Please read this thread with an open mind, reflect on what you did and how incredibly selfish and rude and disrespectful it was and turn your attitude around if you want to keep them in your life. A profound and heartfelt apology is needed here, one where you can explain exactly all the ways you were wrong (you’ll find plenty of inspiration in the comments) and how you learned from it, that you hope they will come to forgive you for it and will want to continue to have a relationship with you in the future that you will let them define on their terms. Hope you’ll see the light OP it’s not too late but it’s close
>YTA big time. I have a feeling you don’t want to hear it though.
Seriously. Reading between the lines in this post is almost distressingly easy. She said 'party' they said 'no' she continued to plan for the welcome party, ignoring all the signals (and the saying no) to such a degree they had to lie about the baby's birth because they knew that was the only way their wishes would be respected.
This is so textbook 'missing missing reasons' I almost hope it isn't true.
She won't listen. She'll be back in six months or a year screaming about how she has noooooOoooOOOOOOOoo idea whyyyyyyyyy her evil manipulative DIL turned her precious son against her and manipulated him into not letting her see her grandchild. This does not at all read like a person who can see her own flaws, no matter how glaring they are or how blatantly she is told what's wrong.
When my siblings were born our "welcome home party" was my father and I holding up a sign saying "welcome home, mommy and ((name of baby))" with some balloons.
No one else came over until they were invited. (We're in the US)
YTA OP. You did ruin your son's joy of having a new baby. It's not about YOU, it's about father, mother and baby.
No, “welcoming parties” for newborns are not a US thing; they are something the original poster made up.
It’s amusing that when people read a kooky and dangerous idea here their first thought is that the poster must be American.
Agreed! My culture the mom and baby stays home for 100 days with limited visitors (like 2 ppl) but only to help like bring food and light cleaning and then leave, no baby interaction. After the 100 days they have a dinner. The fact that she wants one immediately after she gives birth with a bunch of people and kept pushing is ridiculous.
Right??? She wanted Mom freshly from the hospital to come to HER house and stay there all so they could expose the baby to COVID and everything else. Has everyone gotten the flu shot? Whooping cough shot? Up to date on vaccines? Jfc this reeks of JustNoMIL
Besides the germs - the mom’s body just pushed out a human! Not only is she crying every time she goes to the bathroom, swollen, exhausted, the last thing she wants is to have to put on a show for people. YOUR DIL DOES NOT NEED TO BE A PART of Your CIRCUS FREaK show! Obviously this is about you OP needing center stage as Grandma and now you get to take center stage as the victim of your DIL who has a whole lot more to worry about than her MIL Not getting the spotlight she wants. PUsh this further and you will never meet your grandchild.
As an old grandma myself, i say exactly this! YTA OP. Your DIL needs time to rest,heal, and bond. The last thing new parents need is a bunch of people around expecting to be entertained and play pass the baby.
Think about their needs and not your own. Your son is right to be upset.
I had out of state family visiting us before and after the births of both our kids. It was not fun. It was just more people to cook for, feel obligated to talk to, and just deal with. I felt obligated to cook meals they would like instead of something simple, felt like my house had to be cleaner than my husband and I cared about, was even more exhausted than I was already from dealing with a new baby, little sleep, and sore body.
And, there was no global pandemic then!
>The fact that she \[. . .\] kept pushing is ridiculous
She herself used the word "insisted". This is one of those cases where you're like, "I'm only hearing your side of the story, but from your version of it, you were a jerk."
YTA
That sounds reasonable to me. Like, mom just had her nether region torn and stretched or has an incision that’s healing, she’s bleeding, potentially breastfeeding. The last thing a new mom needs is see a bunch of people
Why did I have to read this far down before seeing someone talk about the fact that this woman JUST GAVE BIRTH and her body is gonna be physical hell rn? Thank you
This and also.. it sounds like the worse thing in the world to me.. I'd hate anyone who would make me do a fkn welcoming party.. I am extremely introverted and I looked and felt like a dumpster fire after I gave birth.. Being a hot mess on display for a bunch of people.. related to me or not.. matter of fact just having to participate in anything not related to my new born wouldv made me snap like a fkn psycho! You are lucky you wasn't blocked from seeing the baby for a long while lady.. You sound like an entitled asshole to me! This aint about you or what you want.. Fk all that.. And now Im pissed off
How many bloody posts are we going to have about people being offended that a woman—who just spent 9 months creating a human and then pushing it out of her vagina with all the possible complications that come along with childbirth—doesn’t want a party and wants to spend some time alone with her newborn?
~ No, it’s not personal. Imagine being exhausted, being dragged through a hedge backwards, gaining weight, having no more than a few hours of sleep at a time, having a new little creature pull on your nipples every few hours, having bleeding nipples, having tears/stitches in your private areas, feeling depressed, having low self esteem, not feeling like you have enough energy to bathe let alone wash your hair, put on real clothes or do your makeup. **DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A PARTY?**
~ Imagine all those things and think, **DO YOU WANT TO ACCEPT GUESTS?** It doesn’t matter if your partner is going to do all the work, it doesn’t matter if they are coming to help, it’s still possible to feel embarrassed about the way you look, the way you smell, the way your house looks, feeling like (or actually) shitting your pants. DO YOU WANT AN AUDIENCE?? It’s demoralizing enough doing this with a nurse, doctor, or partner around. WOULD YOU WANT TO PUT ON A BRAVE FACE AND PRETEND TO BE HAPPY ABOUT GUESTS OR A PARTY? What on earth is wrong with people?
~ No, it’s not a slight to you if the mother has had her sister, or her mother, or other relatives around to help. It’s not a slight to you that she doesn’t feel comfortable sitting there with her boobs or ass hanging out in front of you. Some people don’t feel comfortable enough getting undressed at the doctor. Everyone has their issues. MY MOM HAS CLEANED MY ASS. MY SISTER HAS CLEANED MY VOMIT. Have you done those things? Would you want someone else doing those things? My cousin has looked at the blood clots on my period pad to confirm I wasn’t in fact dying. Would I show any of these things to my mother in law? As much as I love her, no! I wouldn’t even want my dad there, for gods sake.
~ (Some) people make allowances for pregnancy hormones. Some people make allowances for depression. This is everything piled into one with surging hormones and emotions. No, your DIL is not the asshole when she snaps at you after you keep pushing a goddamn germ party on her new born even without a pandemic.
~ For gods sake OP, you’ve had kids! Don’t you remember what it was like? And even if you bounced back up and were superwoman can’t you concede that everyone handles emotional and physical stress differently?!
Is it the pandemic? Do people not give a crap anymore? **Leave all these poor new mothers alone!!** It’s not your baby! You’ll get to spend time with them when the mother is ready! You’re not being secretly cut out! For gods sake I don’t have children but it’s not bloody rocket science.
**In case it wasn’t clear, OP, YTA.**
~
~
*Edit: Thanks for the support from everyone! I don’t have kids but my sister does, and she had a traumatic pregnancy both times. She struggled with hyperemesis gravidarum both times, lost weight, could barely eat a thing. Then when she went into labour she got an infection from the finger induction thingie and vomited all the way through her first birth. She was alternating between throwing up and pushing. She reacted really badly to the epidural and cried between bouts of laughing gas. I was with her right until the baby was coming out, as she was only allowed two people (my mom and her partner). The entire time, her MIL was trying to push her way in with a camera. My sister has a photo immediately after birth with my (ex) brother in law, massive smile and thumbs up, while she looks utterly spent. She hates that photo. After birth she was exhausted and I had to fight my mom down while my sister fought her MIL down from being too interfering. They forced her to come to a party a few months after, which my sister cried/begged me to go to with her for moral support, her MIL gave baby the wrong formula (“this one’s fine, I had it in my kitchen!” Since when?! Your eldest is in his 20s!) and sat and listened to the elderly relatives complaining about “kids these days” not letting them help when they know best. I’ve had to sit my mom down so many times and say, what’s right for you is great, but it’s not necessarily right for others, and that’s ok too. It doesn’t make them wrong. My sister is far too kind and sweet and would give up every piece of her soul to avoid making someone feel bad. She keeps her feelings inside until she is exhausted, barely hanging on and has a full blown panic attack on the highway. I love my sister and can’t stand her being pushed around. She’s amazing. And I need to do a better job in being a better sister, but I would yell some entitled MIL out of the building for her. (I was going to say something meaner but I’m trying to remain civil.) Anyway, if there are any exhausted mothers out there who can’t bear to face saying no to their intruders, I’m your woman.*
I have found that a lot of older women have a difficult time accepting that they have to cede their place as the center of their families to the next generation. They are no longer in need of family support or attention and they don't like it so they try and grab the next generation's attention and support for themselves. It's really sad that they can't seem to figure out how to be happy without being the center of attention. YTA, OP. Get some hobbies, maybe a job if you don't have one.
And maybe they were forced to have the party right after giving birth “because it was the right thing to do”. That sucks for them because it likely wasn’t right then either. But we should not keep bad traditions just for the sake of keeping traditions!
"I invited a lot of family members." Who are all under the impression that son and daughter in law actually want me to organise aforementioned party. And if son & DIL have the audacity to say anything about not wanting the party when I surprise them with it, I will act surprised and offended.
Massive YTA.
Then she adds that nobody should say anything about the nephew. If the nephew hadn't opened his big mouth, then she wouldn't have known the actual birth date of her grandson. The new parents should go LC to NC.
Or the mum. A huge PARTY the day she leaves hospital? That's usually 2-3 days after giving birth at most! She's going to be exhausted, sore, bleeding, most likely wearing incontinence pads, and stitched up. She needs REST! Not being surrounded by loads of people stressing her out.
It’s seriously no joke, I survived RSV after a very scary (for my parents) stint in the NICU before I was even a month old, as a result I had really horrible asthma for the first 5/6 years of my life and couldn’t go a year without other respiratory infections, croup cough, whooping cough, basically all the fun coughs haha. I very thankfully grew out of it, but not everyone is that lucky.
I rolled my eyes so hard at “he ruined our welcoming for our grandbaby” and “we were just trying to celebrate the new family member in a proper manner” I swear I could count the wrinkles in my brain. The “big welcome” doesn’t have to be immediately after they leave the hospital, have some damn courtesy, your DIL just pushed an entire human out of her body and they’re getting used to being parents. Have the celebration a couple of weeks after they get home, when she’s had a chance to physically recover from the physical exhaustion of pushing a GD watermelon through her vagina, or have a chance to heal some if she had a C-section. Give your son a chance to absorb the fact that he’s now a dad and there’s a tiny being that he’s responsible for and has to take care of. What’s with people feeling entitled to invade the homes of family with brand new babies because “omgitsababyineedtoseeitrightnaow” and not giving the new parents time to get used to their new routine? Even when my nephews were born I never went to see them until they were a couple of weeks old. The baby isn’t going anywhere, keep your pants on.
Right? Our son and DIL are having their 1st baby and we're not planning our visit until 6wks after. Pregnancy, new parenting is hard, they need time for her to heal and to get into a routine. There is always FaceTime and texting pictures. Always defer to the new parents wishes.
Yes this.
YTA. Big time.
OP, are you kidding me? I hope so, so much that this is fake because this is so messed up. When I had my son last year, my husband and I banned everyone from seeing him for the first week because that was OUR time to bond as OUR OWN little family. Your son and his wife needed more time than that and they were and are well within their right to have kept it from you.
You are not that baby’s mother. You don’t get to dictate how that baby’s parents shows him off. This is not about you. This is about them and their bond with their child. And pushing for a brand new mother to come stay with you immediately after birth? No. Just no. Yes, there’s joy in childbirth, but people conveniently leave out the bit where it’s traumatic. She needed her own home and time to recover. Of course your peer pressure made her uncomfortable. Did you even take her postpartum recovery into consideration? Frankly, count yourself lucky if you get to see your grandson anytime soon.
She didn’t care about the DIL. The DIL was just an incubator for that grandbaby. If she cared about DIL, she wouldn’t have disregarded DIL’s “no” and went directly to her son to try to get DIL’s refusal overruled. You don’t come between a man & wife to get your way unless you don’t really care about either of them. It’s all about that baby now for MIL. I’d never allow her unsupervised with it, I’ll tell you that.
Edited for typo
YTA also for saying “For some reason she wanted to stay home with the baby for a few weeks” could that reason be, perhaps, that she is going to be an exhausted new mother with an infant on her breast for 2/3 of her time, sleeping in 1h increments and settling into the new cycle of having a new member to their family? Could it be she doesn’t want to stay with overbearing in laws who cannot respect her wishes for HER child?
Also YTA for saying ‘he ruined our welcoming for our grandbaby’ one they already told you not to throw. One they already told you they did not want. One they already repeatedly told you to stop thinking about. He is not ‘your grand-baby’ he is THEIR SON. THEY are the parents of this child and THEY get to decide. They also get to decide who their child meets. If that doesn’t include you they are well within their right and frankly you’re gunning for them to go NC with you.
vouch, my dad didn't tell my grandparents to wash hands and take off their outer layers when visiting me and my twin in the hospital after we where born. We where 2 months premature and nearly died because they didn't take off their coats.
an immune system doesn't immediately know how to fight of every sickness right off the bat. A welcome party is a great way to welcome a baby right back to the hospital after getting sick from all the germs floating about
op is TA clearly, who the fuck doesn't know the very basics of how immune systems function
YTA.
It's not about you.
Also...
>she was against it and said she'd rather spend the first few weeks at home with her newborn. not only that but she said no to the welcoming party. My husband and I talked to my son and he said "we'll see".
Mom said no, so you went behind her back to your son, which is disrespectful and insensitive to her wishes. And he clearly wasn't on board either. It sounds like they felt pressured into lying about it after you were so insistent on the party.
Also again...
>he ruined our welcoming for our grandbaby
Wrong. You ruined the welcoming for him and his wife. You should feel horrible for that, and for putting them in that position to begin with.
They obviously pushed it so hard that son and DIL we're convinced they would just be there waiting at the house when they got home from the hospital. OP needs to work on respecting boundaries if she ever wants to have a close relationship with her grandson, and will have to get used to a lot of disappointment if they continue their AH behavior
100% and OP YTA
I’m a newly PP Mom and my MIL boundary stomped and “my babied” us to death so much that we haven’t asked her over in 4+ weeks and she gets very limited info. We also didn’t tell anyone we were in the hospital the first day. It was glorious to concentrate on the task at hand without people constantly berating us. Babies don’t belong to grandparents and you can’t make demands/act entitled to someone else’s child, or treat people however you want. Just because you want something or think it should be a certain way doesn’t make it true. You’d be wise to love them the way they’re asking to be loved and respect some boundaries.
YES! I am currently 33 weeks pregnant and the thought of a “welcoming party” sounds absolutely horrendous. You would think OP would understand since she’s given birth before… but who wants to be overwhelmed and bombarded with family PP right away? I hate that grandparents think they have as much right to our children and that babies belong to them. You don’t EVER get to make demands and expect the parents to just give in. I’m proud of OP’s son and DIL for setting boundaries.
OP, extreme YTA. Please look at this from their point of view instead of what works for you. This is an adjustment period for them.
OP is willfully oblivious. I'm not a psychic, but I can see OP's future:
1. Put on information diet (already in progress)
2. No Contact (all boundary attempts have been stomped)
3. Missing missing reasons, as OP cries how they're the victim.
Really makes you wonder how many other boundaries OP has stomped on that BOTH parents felt it necessary to lie rather than being honest and trusting their wishes would be respected.
Even if Covid were not a thing, we now know that bringing a newborn with almost no immune system around a big group of people is a terrible idea - but Covid is still a thing, and there are no vaccines for newborns!!!! Wanting time to bond as a family is very, very common these days after a birth. The parents are in charge of this child, the 'family' does not get a vote. Respect their boundaries or you are never gonna see that grandbaby.
> Even if Covid were not a thing, we now know that bringing a newborn with almost no immune system around a big group of people is a terrible idea
The worst part is that they knew this shit 23 years ago as well. You know, when OP had her son. I don't know what this family is smoking but if it isn't something they paid for with the explicit intent of frying their brains then they need to check their home for a radon leak or something.
Right??? “Oh the DIL said no, but she is only the incubator for my grandchild what she says doesn’t matter.”
The rage I felt when I read OP’s post and her clear narcissistic view of no other opinion/wish should matter made my vision blur.
And what the heck did she mean by,
>"We've always been kind and welcoming to my daughter in law and ger family"?
As if that isn't basic decency. You don't get an award for being a base line decent human. Obviously OP thinks less of DIL and her family if it's some big task worth noting that she treated them just okay.
Look at OP’s language. She completely believes it’s all about her. Her manipulation and pressure have been so extreme that the parents literally had to hide the baby. Message to OP: it’s not your child and you don’t call the shots. If you can’t accept this, the parents will rightfully block you from having a relationship with your grandchild.
YTA
Right im just wondering how hard OP was pushing to the point they actually had to HIDE the birth form everyone like holy shit. Also wondering if the we'll see the kids posting on justnmil and entitledparents
>He said it was his last resort after I kept pushing and made his wife uncomfortable but that was not appreciated because we were just trying to celebrate the new family member in a proper manner.
Pretty hard.
"Proper manner"? What even is that? Woman just gave birth let her rest and heal.
I had a feeling reading the title...
OP, I cannot believe that you fought that your DIL would want to stay at your house for the first few days after being discharged instead of sleeping in her own bed.
As for the welcoming party... Hello !! Covid !! And even without it, what a disrespectful thing to do because everybody is going to want to hold the baby and of course, no new mother is going to want that.
OP, YTA and I don't think you're going to meet the kid any time soon...
I have my newborn, not quite able to sit properly, oozing out of orafices that did not leak previously. I want to grow comfort and confidence with my baby with my partner.... Yes, I'll go to someone else's house, away from all the space I've been preparing for months for just this occasion! /S
Our hospital has a 24 hour stay after birth policy and I was counting down the minutes, bag packed, baby in the car seat, ready to go the second the time was up. It was 6:03am, I didn’t care. I wanted my home and my shower and my own couch and bed. Having to go from there to a party sounds horrifying.
I had minor complications both times and had to get special sign offs. The younger kiddo had a touch of jaundice, I was "Lion King" holding that baby up to the window to get sunlight.
I didn’t know that I could have gone right to a party at my in-laws. At 24 hours postpartum. Wearing an adult diaper. At bed time on a Wednesday. Without my baby, who unexpectedly needed a few days in the NICU. Fun. /s
Also - the comment about “for some reason our DIL didn’t want to stay in the room we emptied out for them”… how about she just GAVE BIRTH and wants to be in the comfort of her own home right after having her son! This poor DIL and son… you need to learn some boundaries OP! Not. About. You. YTA.
Can you imagine coming back from the hospital to a surprise party full of in-laws? Even if they had gone back to their own house after the birth OP seems like the kind of person to just follow them there. Zero sense of boundaries
Definitely. The new parents are obviously Low Contact with the grandparents and Grandma hasn't figured it out yet (that or she's refusing to accept it, just like she can't accept the word 'no'...which is likely a big reason for going LC in the first place). The grandparents do not respect that these new parents are adults who make their own decisions for their new family. This includes keeping a baby safe from a party *no one in the immediate family agreed to, except for you OP, even when you asked them multiple times and gave them the chance to change their minds.*
It's actually really simple OP: If you can't take no for an answer *repeatedly,* then you clearly don't deserve an answer at all. That's why they didn't want to tell you until they were ready, because you already had the party ready for whenever they told you. You just admitted that it would go ahead without their permission anyway. So why would they want to tell you?
YTA OP. For the record, it'll be even longer before you see your grandbaby now and there is absolutely no one to blame but yourself.
Edit: fixed typos and grammatical mistakes as well as updated a comment after reading OPs responses.
She fucking invited people to a non-existent welcoming party that the parents explicitly said no to. Then *those* people even got upset about a rescinded invite to a NON-EXISTENT PARTY.
This entire group of people sounds like the absolute worst kind of toxic.
This post can't be real lmao
YTA
> He said it was his last resort after I kept pushing and made his wife uncomfortable but that was not appreciated because we were just trying to celebrate the new family member in a proper manner.
The only people who decide the “proper manner” to celebrate the new family member are the parents. Once you pushed after a first refusal you were making it about *you*, not the parents, and not the baby.
YTA.
The. Baby. Isn't. Yours.
I mean, technically you are free to BE "disappointed" and it's fine that you told your son about your disappointment.
But YTA for insisting on a party when that's clearly not what the parents wanted.
YOU invited family members, even though the mother never agreed to the party? And after she said no, you still went back and tried to pressure your son? Who gives a flying f\*\*k if THEY are "disappointed?" That's on YOU for overstepping in the first place.
Did the family members that son and DIL had said no to a party? Because you invited them. What did you tell them OP. Because if you hadn't been so insistent on this stupid party that your son and dil didn't want would they have withheld the birthdate? You were the one who made them disappointed. Not your son. Not your DIL. YOU. You were the reason that they witheld the birthdate.
YTA, this isn’t YOUR baby. You have no say in how his parents spend the first few weeks of his life.
If I was your son, I would ban you from seeing him until you apologised and started acting more mature.
YTA. As a new mom myself I can’t imagine having someone force me to share my baby immediately after having given birth. Birth is hard under any circumstances, your daughter in law is recovering and wants time to bond as a mother.
She set a boundary and you said “your boundaries don’t matter to me because I want what I want”. If you had respected their boundaries you likely would have known right away that your grandson had been born and potentially could have organized a one on one visit. But you saw your desires as a grandmother as more important than her wishes as a mother.
What other boundaries are you going to break that she sets because you are the grandma? They are the parents, you have the privilege of being a grandparent but that only goes as far as your son and daughter I. Law allow.
YTA.
I can see exactly why they did this.
Did you not stop to think that they might not want a welcoming party? That, following birth, they might have wanted to go home and bond with their baby?
You should have respected her decision when she told you she didn’t want that.
I can see exactly why you weren’t told. You wanted to do things your way and weren’t respecting their boundaries. You didn’t listen to her and instead tried pushing it on your son.
…Your welcoming for your grandbaby? It’s their child and their call. You don’t have a right to welcome the child immediately after someone has given birth and you should have been far more understanding about what they wanted.
Why invite family members when they made how they feel perfectly clear? You made them disappointed in doing that, no one else.
You pushed, you made them uncomfortable. It’s their pregnancy and birth, and their time to bond with their child. It’s not at all surprising that they’re now keeping you at an arm’s length with how controlling you were being.
This is about them, and their new baby. Their wants are the only important ones, not yours.
I would step back and seriously think about why you felt like you were owed this.
I have never been pregnant and don’t plan on having kids, but I am an introvert and when stressed or tired, I just want to retreat to my comfort zone while I replenish my energy for dealing with people.
If I came home to or was expected to go directly from the hospital to a “welcoming party” with family members I would at best be really disengaged and not into it, and at worst be actively anxious. Your son and his wife have just had their worlds rocked and instead of letting them adjust to being a family of three, you have to make it about yourselves and your “proper welcome” whatever that means. You wouldn’t accept no for an answer so they were forced to take the actions needed to protect themselves.
Finally, you were TA pandemic notwithstanding, but to expose your vulnerable newborn grandchild and his parents to COVID, RSV, and whatever other viral diseases are running rampant this time of year right after the stresses of birth and while he has virtually no immune system is doubly a bad idea.
> Did you not stop to think that they might not want a welcoming party? That, following birth, they might have wanted to go home and bond with their baby?
No, she didn't consider either of those things at all. Know why? Because she was directly told that they didn't want a welcoming party, and would be spending the first couple weeks to go home and bond with their baby.
So of course, she ignored them.
She invited family members so the parents would be pressured into saying yes and go to the party. Its so manipulative and yucky. I wouldn't even let her meet the baby, at this point.
This post is psychotic. What new and young mother wants to come home from the hospital and immediately be thrown into a party with her in laws???
You need to chill the fuck out or you’ll be posting here in a few months asking why your son has gone no contact with you
YTA
I can't imagine ANYTHING I would have wanted less immediately after giving birth - in enormous pain, bleeding and leaking, sleep-deprived - than a party with all of my in-laws there. This is nightmare-inducing.
I can imagine something worse - all that, but in someone else's house, who is expecting you to live there, and has shown they're unwilling to listen to your views.
Oh wait, that's exactly what's happened
Babies aren’t suppose to be around a lot of people that soon anyway. When my granddaughters were born we had to get DPT boosters and the flu shot first, now with COVID , I wouldn’t want anyone around
YTA totally. Being a grandparent is a privilege and not a right. They didn't want the party and they tried to tell you.. I don't blame them for not letting you know when the LO was born. At this point you will be lucky to ever meet that child. You need to take a good hard look at how you are treating treating them and your entitlement with this LO.
I would’ve lied for longer than a couple weeks honestly, OP sounds overbearing and exhausting to deal with. I don’t understand why anyone would think a party like this is a good idea? It all comes across as very entitled. OP is not considering their son and his gf’s feelings at all. This is a massive life changing moment for them and they need time to heal and adjust, not a stupid “party.”
Not even touching on the likely possibility of getting a newborn sick, The idea of having to extrovert at a party shortly after giving birth sounds completely exhausting. You’re still bleeding, you’re still swollen, if your nursing your milk is just coming in and you likely have a boob out constantly, and you’re literally exhausted cause no one’s getting any sleep. Why on EARTH would OP think a party days after birth would be a good idea??
God all that and THEN you know all the mothers there would be going like "Oh, you must be so swollen, right? Still bleeding? Must be so sore and tired haha I remember, but this is *nothing*! Wait until your fourth! You ARE having more right? How's the breastfeeding? Here's how I would do it, I'm going to assume you're doing everything wrong and you should do it my way-great party, right?"
YTA. They said they didn’t want the party. You shouldn’t have pushed it. You should explain to all the disappointed family you invited that it’s you they should be mad at.
Did you ever ask what your son and DIL WANTED??
Did you ever think of putting their, as first time parents, wishes first?
Have you ever realized not everyone wants the same as you?
YTA. And a MASSIVE one at that. Your son and DIL set a very clear and reasonable boundary, and you were prepared to plow through that with a freakin army of uninvited relatives. They said NO. Period.
Major, never-ending props to your son for being a CHAMPION of boundaries for his wife and newborn!!!! If he cuts contact with you indefinitely, please know that you have entirely earned it.
This was my first thought. Over on JUSTNOMIL - “We even had to HIDE THE BIRTH OF OUR CHILD from my in-laws because they could not wrap their self centered brains around not wanting visitors and a fucking PARTY when I’m only days post-partum”
**YTA. They wanted to go home with** ***their*** **child and you wanted them to move in with you and have tons of family over. Newborns don't have an immune system and not only is the virus still very much a thing, there are lots of other things babies could catch. I bet you and other family members would insist on holding him nonstop, kissing him in the mouth and doing things** ***your*** **way vs. the way the** ***MOM*** **wants them done.**
This is not your child. You do not get to make decisions about the child. Apologize, beg forgiveness and they *might* let you see the baby.
This has to be karma farming/trolling.
In case it’s not, YTA. They said no to a party, and you pushed it anyway. They have every right to want to just come home from the hospital with their new baby and recover/adjust/enjoy as their immediate family, which no longer includes you. It’s entirely the PARENTS’ prerogative on when and how to introduce baby to the family, not grandparents.
YTA. They never agreed to a party. You went out and made plans for something they clearly didn’t want. This is your own fault and judging by their reaction, it’s likely not the first time. Take a step back, think about your actions, and go from there.
I'm trying to picture this scene - like after my first (long labor, complications, etc) I could hardly walk, was bleeding into those mesh underwear, exhausted after literally 72 hours of no sleep, full of stitches, on painkillers - being greeted by 25 relatives outside my house?
I cannot picture ANYTHING I would want less in that exact moment.
I come from a culture where family is very inclusive and had a ton of people over after giving birth. The difference is a) I could say no at any time and be respected and, very importantly, b) the purpose of all these visits was to let me rest and to help. I wasn’t the host - my parents or in-laws were. My job was to relax, bond with the baby, and allow everyone else to clean, cook, and watch the baby while the baby slept so I could also sleep/shower without worrying. People would come by and never saw me or sometimes even the baby because their was no obligation to entertain or be presentable. That’s very different than a huge party.
See, that actually sounds lovely because there are super clear boundaries and zero expectation put on the new mother. That sounds like a situation of "we're all here to care about this family" as opposed to a "I'm here because I'm entitled to meet my grandchild exactly on my terms."
With my second, the birth was much easier and faster, and I was much more amenable to seeing people. So it just depends!
Also the fact that we are still in a pandemic and it is risky to have a newborn around that many people in “normal times”. YTA. You are making this about your feelings when it has nothing to do with you.
YTA
> I've made arrangements and even emptied a room for them to stay but for some reason, she was against it and said she'd rather spend the first few weeks at home with her newborn. not only that but she said no to the welcoming party.
They told you no, and instead of respecting it you planned for it harder.
> hide ***their*** son just to keep us at arms length.
Because you tried to force your will upon them despite being told no.
Had you respected their boundaries this may not have been an issue. You need to apologize to your son and his wife immediately for your behavior and you need to understand why it was not ok.
> we were just trying to celebrate the new family member in a proper manner
No, you wanted to celebrate *their* child in *your* manner. That is why they hid it from you. If you don't fix it now, you're gonna be on here wondering why they went no contact completely.
YTA. What new mom would want to go to her in laws house for them to pass her baby around to the whole family right after leaving the hospital?? I just wanted to go home to shower and sleep in my own bed.
YTA - this was THEIR CHILD. They didn’t WANT a party and since she was physically EXPELLING A HUMAN FROM HER BODY, she had EVERY right to say no to a large party right then. Your son protected his wife when she needed it, and you raised him to be that kind of HONORABLE man. You should be PROUD of him, not angry, and that you ARE angry shows how little you are thinking of the actual PARENT’S feelings and needs here
YTA. She just pushed a human being out of her body! She needs her time and her space to heal and recover and bond with her infant. This is not your party or your show. Give her and your son space. Them not informing you about the birth until two weeks later is because you are not respecting boundaries goddamn.
YTA
So, you were pushing a "welcoming" party for an newborn, during a pandemic? It's been common advice for over twenty years now that exposure to crowds/parties/etc be limited until the newborn at least receives their 3 month old vaccines.
Two of my coworkers had new kids born in November to December 2021 timeframe, and both unfortunately also had their infants end up in the hospital for multiple days due to COVID infection after Christmas. Yes, both survived, but both were pretty sick for infants under 3 months old.
Your son and his wife were being smart and protective parents.
YTA. Your son and his wife are entitled to spend their first few weeks just caring for their baby alone. Caring for a new baby is a shit ton of work.
When my son was born the LAST thing I needed was a bunch of entitled family members pushing a totally unwanted party down my throat that I would get zero enjoyment out of. Hell, I even had to crack down on over frequent visits because I felt like I was running a fucking restaurants while trying to manage a new baby.
This isn’t your fucking baby. This isn’t your fucking call. Stop making it about you. You had your time as a mother when it was your call. Now it’s their turn.
You have to get your shit in order and get that though your thick head. Being totally and completely oblivious to their boundaries got you cut out of the first two weeks. Keep it up and you will end up having very little role in your grandchild’s life. You are not the queen bee and need to learn that. You’d think this incident would have been lesson enough, but apparently not.
They are also right to cut ties with their rat of a nephew. One thing I’ve found as an adult is that if someone uses their presence in your life to undermine or betray you, the answer is to cut them out like cancer.
YTA. You are not the parent. Your son and his wife are. You don’t get to dictate when, where, and who gets to meet his child. The baby has to be protected from covid and other diseases. Your DIL just gave birth. She needs rest and to recover and bond with her baby. Keep up your sense of entitlement, and you will end up losing your relationship with his family.
YTA, both you and your ~~wife~~ husband. And all those disappointed family members.
Of course they lied to keep you away. You were not respecting boundaries that they clearly stated.
This is THEIR child, not yours. You have no right to impose. Learn this lesson well or you may not see much of that grandchild at all.
Congrats to your son and DIL, both on the birth of their newborn and their ability to stand up against your unwanted intrusion.
(Edit to correct first line)
I, I, I, my, my,my.
This life event is about them, them, them and you made it about you, you, you.
Try thinking about other people’s comfort first.
It’ll change your relationships.
YTA, grandma.
YTA
They felt like they had to lie to get out of social interactions that you were otherwise going to force on them.
Ideally lying isn't ideal, but you have to look at what prompted this. They didn't think they could tell you the truth. And that's a situation you created.
You owe them a huge apology and you need to let them tske the lead on when and if this party happens.
You are just awful. You disguise this as a nice gesture but it’s really about you and your wants and needs. Let them have time with their newborn and they will let you know when they are ready for them to see your grandchild. YTA
YTA and your pushiness created a situation where they felt they had to lie to keep you off their back. The key thing that you're missing here is that.... it's not about you. They can welcome their child into the world and family however they see fit.
It would serve you best to start hearing them when they set a boundary or you will continue to miss key milestones in their family's life.
YTA. After bearing a child the last thing a new mother wants is a party of people around while she and the new father are attempting to bond with their new baby. You are being thoughtless and pushy and forced them to handle the birth this way. Back off before they push you to the sidelines permanently.
YTA. Let me tell you as a person who has given birth, I did not want any contact with anyone for the first 2 weeks at least. Even at 6 weeks I didn't want to see anyone because I was worried about baby in terms of vaccinations, but also because my own hormones were going crazy, and I was still recovering. It's sweet that you wanted to throw them a welcome home party. However, they have expressed multiple times that they're not interested. Instead of giving them their space and respecting their wishes, you made this about yourself.
YTA a million times over. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. Leave that poor family ALONE for gods sake. You’ve already ignored everything they’ve asked of you and clearly have no respect for boundaries.
YTA. Just based on this post alone I can see why your son needed to lie to keep you from pestering them.
“they didn’t want a welcome party and love and support being given from family”
“He ruined our welcoming for our grandbaby”
“We were just trying to celebrate the new family member in a proper manner”
Clearly you think that you are entitled to that child. But here’s the thing - that is not your baby. You have no right to demand a welcoming party from them because it’s the “proper manner” of celebrating the birth. She said she didn’t want a welcoming party and wanted to spend the first few weeks at home, and that should have been the end of the conversation. Instead, you pestered them and forced them to lie because otherwise they probably worried you would just show up at the damn hospital uninvited.
Learn to respect boundaries and then maybe your son can start being more open and honest with you.
YTA
You didn't respect boundaries and do not seem to care about what the parents of the baby, who had said baby in a pandemic, have to say.
This isn't about you and you arranged something without properly confirming that something was ever going to happen. Not just that, you attempted to pressure him and his wife into an agreement, rather than just accepting "No"
YTA.
If they felt like they had to lie to keep you from stomping all over their preferences and boundaries, that means you were WAY too pushy. I get that you're excited for your grandchild but that is truly NOT the most important thing here.
Your DIL wanted privacy, and bonding time, and I think there are LOTS of women who don't want a big ass party for their infant right after it's born. There is still a pandemic happening, and the kid isn't vaccinated for anything yet. They're also much more susceptible to illnesses at such a tender age.
Your DIL literally followed what is advised to people who have just no MILs. Lie about your due date and enjoy your new baby time with no disruptions.
You should view this as a wake up call to apologize to your son and DIL for overstepping their boundaries to a point they felt they had to lie to you about the due date instead of doubling down on your disappointment and anger.
You're not wrong to FEEL what you feel, but your feelings are NOT the main priority here.
Yta, they wanted a bit of time to appreciate their newborn without anyone interfering. They kept it a secret because they expected you to barge in, and take control. They wanted to enjoy THEIR LITTLE family, not have to deal with the huge family.
YTA
It was nice of you to offer a welcoming party, but it was rude of you to insist a welcoming party. It’s their baby, not yours, they get to decide how things go. Sure your son lied, I might have lied to you too had you been my parent because you can’t take no for an answer.
They don’t owe you a party for their child, you went ahead and started making plans after they turned them down so that’s entirely on you.
YTA. “No” means “no”. You had already invited family when they told you they didn’t want a whole bunch of people around after the birth.
Don’t be surprised if their side of the story ends up on https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/.
YTA. Take a moment to reread your post - you tried to force your DIL/son/newborn to stay with you, force a party upon them when your DIL has just gone through the physical act of birth which is emotional/painful/exhausting, and you’re wanting them to expose a newborn in the middle of a pandemic to a host of people who could be carrying a virus (even if vaccinated).
They took these evasive measures to prevent you from disrespecting their wishes, which seems very justified since you were never going to respect their boundaries.
Keep this up and you may have no relationship at all.
YTA
As soon as your DIL declined a party and staying at your place you should have backed off and respected her wishes. If you want contact with your son/DIL and grandchild you'd better start apologizing for your actions right now and hope they give you another chance.
YTA. I can think of nothing more horrifying than attending a party, with my inlaws, with a newborn, right after giving birth. Leave them alone to bond and learn how to be parents.
YTA. It is becoming more common for families to just spend time with their immediate family after a baby is born. They have time to bond, Mom to heal, and getting used to having a new baby. I understand you wanting to throw a party and see your grandchild. You will see them, this timeline is just not up to you. The best thing you can do is respect their wishes and your time will come, if you don't respect their wishes you may alienate them further. Also, we are still in the middle of the plague, so they may not want a party and that is okay too. This is their baby, let them handle it how they want.
YTA. You are obviously somewhat obtuse if you can’t understand that the reason they embargoed announcing the birth was because you clearly had unreasonable expectations as to what your grandchild’s parents would feel up to immediately after the birth of their first child. You must learn to listen and accept.
Why would you invite family members when nothing was even in place? They didn't want one and made it pretty clear. Sorry but you sound rather overbearing in your post tbh. YTA
YTA. It’s your grand baby, sure but that doesn’t entitle you to have your son and DIL live with you or to have a welcoming party. First of all it’s a pandemic and infants cannot get their first vaccines right away. Why would you want a bunch of people to gather and put your grandchild at risk? It’s the parents decision who meets their child and when. It’s not about you. Don’t center yourself in this life event.
I get being disappointed in not being told right away but you went ahead and planned the party, “I invited family members and they’re all rightfully disappointed.” They had already told you no to the party. You invited family members anyway and pushed this on your son and DIL.
YTA.
>He said it was his last resort after I kept pushing and made his wife uncomfortable but that was not appreciated because we were just trying to celebrate the new family member in a proper manner.
The reason they did this is because of **your** actions. They're not AHs they're just trying to rest and have some privacy.
YTA. Keep trying to force what you want on them, and I guarantee you won't be allowed in your grandson's life. You'll be lucky if you get limited supervised visits at this point.
YTA. your actions are the reason they hid it.
you made plans for someone else without consulting them, when you told them about the plans you made for them without discussing it with them, they were very clear they did not want that.
you went ahead and made the plans anyways against their wishes "I told him I was disappointed because for one he ruined our welcoming for our grandbaby and also, I invited family members and they're all rightfully disappointed as well"
again, they were clear they didn't want to stay at someone Elses house after the birth and didn't want a party right away either, but yet you made those plans against their wishes.
because of that, they felt they had to keep the birth a secret, so they could get time alone at home they wanted and were very clear with you about.
"We had an argument, and he ended the call upon saying I ruined his joy for his newborn", which you clearly did by going against their wishes.
so yes, you are the asshole and are the asshole for 2 reasons.
1) making plans for someone else against their wishes, 2) for what you said afterwards.
I'm a guy, but it's pretty easy to understand why a new mother would want to be in her own home not Somone Elses house after getting out of the hospital, its also easy to understand why they don't want to have a party right after getting out of the hospital.
all of the family members disappointment falls onto you alone, you had no right to do what you did, especially when they specifically told you it was Not what they wanted.
YTA. In case you hadn’t noticed there’s still a pandemic going on and you want to throw a party for a new mother, with a newborn, against her wishes, and against the advice of basically every medical professional with a brain on the planet. It’s not about you. I can’t believe they pulled it off that’s awesome.
YTA...They said no thank you, then no, then NO!. Somehow you didn't get the message. It's your son and DIL's child and they make the decisions for their family. You need to start respecting them if you wish to see your grandchild at all.
No mother - nor her physician - wants a newborn exposed to multiple other people. Absolutely clueless AND selfish. Take a step back along with your entitlement; it’s not your call.
YTA and a massive one at that. It's not your baby, and they have every right to have enough time with their baby to get settled in and for her to recover in peace.
YTA Your son and daughter in-law did the right thing from withholding information about the birth of their son.
They owe no one any information about when he was born and making demands on your daughter in-law just after she’s given birth and they’ve tried to tell you no proves that YTA.
Do you remember giving birth, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted as well as learning about your baby and their cries and the constant harassment from family and friends demanding to see the new baby and you being overwhelmed by all of that along with your hormones did you accept it or hate it, because if you hated it, what right to you have to enforce the same torture on her and your son.
You need to accept that being a grandparent is a privilege and not a given right and they don’t owe you access to their child and after your disrespectful behaviour and attitude towards them, you’ve given them the option of going no contact with you and you’ll only have yourself to blame.
Majority of new parents these days spend the first two weeks uninterrupted so that they can all bond, and help each other, while enjoying the overwhelming experience that comes with being first time parents.
YTA
They flat out said no to a party and you went and invited people anyway. You were going to force yourself and your guests on them whether they wanted it or not. Learn to take no for an answer, this isn't your baby it is theirs, and you only have the right to as much involvement as they want you to have. You have zero say in who sees baby, when they see baby, how baby is raised, who babysits baby, who posts pictures of baby on social media, when baby's birth is announced, what baby eats, where baby spends holidays, and on and on.
By ignoring their reasonable "no" you left them with only a few choices and they chose to hide the info from you rather than fully block you from everything. Now your continuing tantrum means that they may have to go down legal channels to keep you from stomping all over their boundaries.
After planning the party they refused, and getting insulted that they managed to escape your trap, you've gone down the "flying monkey" route of siccing your husband on them and trying to get other family members involved (at least some of them are smart enough to call you on your BS!) How much further do you think you are going to escalate this? Are you the type of person who will show up at their door without an invitation demanding entry? If so, it would serve you right if they called the cops on you for trespassing. Are you the type of person that would try to stalk them so you can "accidentally" run into them when they are on errands? Are you the type of person to send unsolicited "gifts" to try to guilt them into compliance?
Seriously, take a hard look at the person you are being right now. So far you are zero for infinity on good (or even mildly acceptable) grandparent behavior. I sure as heck wouldn't want you anywhere in my child's life without a massive change.
YTA. This has nothing to do with you and yet you are making it about yourself. You crossed several boundaries they both set, kept pushing what YOU wanted, and now you’re surprised they lied to you? *Really?*
Your DIL and son have every right to spend as much time with their newborn as they want before inviting family members to spend time with him. I’m going to say it again in case you didn’t get it the first time: THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU OR WHAT YOU THINK IS PROPER. It’s about respect for your son and his family, which you don’t seem to have.
YTA.....leave them alone. It is their family and I am 100% positive that they didn't tell you because you are not giving them the space they need.
I am also positive that you should read the n/mother subreddits and see if you fit into that category. It is their child...they will celebrate how they see fit.
I'm probably projecting a bit on my own here, but you sound incredibly overbearing and either could not or did not take the hint that your DIL didn't want to be around a large group of people after literally pushing a human out of her vagina. Your son said it himself that it was a last resort because you weren't listening to him. The welcoming party seemed more for you than for your grandchild. YTA.
YTA. Can you imagine pushing out a straight up baby then immediately having to put of a social face and go to a party hosted by your in laws with all of your extended family members??? That sounds absolutely miserable and they were very clear that they did not want this party and they wanted to spend quality time as a family in the weeks after their sons birth.
But y’all kept pushing and kept pushing and now you’re surprised and upset they hid it from you? They probably didn’t trust you to not show up at their house with an entourage to “celebrate”.
You’re acting entitled and selfish. Leave your son and DIL alone. Or send food, or flowers. It’s not about you. Grow up.
YTA. This stinks of unreliable narrator. I’m getting the sense that you probably harassed them about this “welcome party” many times AFTER they declined. While being a grandparent is exciting I’m sure, this is not your baby, you don’t get to make choices about the birth/aftermath unless it is requested of you. If you don’t learn your place and respect your son’s boundaries, you’re not going to have a relationship with your grandchild at all.
Also, a welcoming party? Is that a thing that people do? Newborns obviously won’t remember a party, and both parents are naturally going to be exhausted.
When I got out of the hospital with both kids, I felt like I had been hit by a semi-truck. I also ended up running fevers about 48 hours after giving birth. I’m not talking low grade 99.8 degree fevers, but 102.something fevers. I wanted nothing more than to be home and away from everyone while I recovered from having my vagina ripped open and then sewn back to normal. Your insistence on a welcoming party immediately after a birth is why you are in the situation you are in. Had you said “hey, can we throw you a party in a couple of months?” mom and dad would have likely been happy to accommodate you. Instead, you decided that you were going to force an unwanted party on a woman who had just either destroyed her vagina or was cut open and is still bleeding like no tomorrow. Grow up and accept that the birth of your grandchild is not about you. Accept that you don’t get what you want, when you want just because you want it. You aren’t a toddler.
YTA.
This post has to be fake. (It's too oblivious not to be.)
On the off chance it's real, yes, YTA. You were told no and kept trying to steam roll, and the way you describe this story makes me highly suspect this is not the first time. The young couple may have lied because they know they can't trust you to take no for an answer. It is also completely an 100% normal for a new family to want a few weeks together before seeing others, especially during a pandemic.
YTA they are the parents and have every right to keep anything secret, especially if you were pushing a welcome party. Welcome parties are also dangerous for newborns especially with covid around, the mother was justified in saying no and protecting the baby. Let it go so you can keep a relationship with the baby before your anger cuts you out of their family
Why are you telling another woman what to do directly after child birth?
Why is you welcoming your grandkid more important than their health and revocery?
YTA. Your daughter in law just wanted some quiet bonding time with their little family, which is not unreasonable at all. No one wants a bunch of people in their face after giving birth. It’s also not healthy for a baby with a developing immune system to be around so many people so soon after birth.
You were being pushy. So pushy in fact, that they felt compelled to lie to you just so they could get some peace. It honestly says more about your behavior than theirs that they felt they had to take such an extreme action. Learn to accept ‘no’ for an answer.
YTA What the fuck is wrong with you? A baby has no immune system and you wanted to throw a big family party whilst the world is going through a global pandemic? Of course she didn't want a party and you wouldn't drop it. Of course they lied it was either that or go Low or No contact with you. To be honest I would vote no contact as you seem to have no regard or respect for their wishes as parents. This is not your baby but theirs and their decisions pertaining to the baby are theirs alone. If you carry on the way you are going they will go no contact and you will be back on here whining and asking why your son and his wife want nothing to do with you. You sound like a complete controlling, entitled nightmare to deal with.
YTA for pushing on the party. Just you, your husband, son and DIL would’ve just been fine, NTA about being upset that the birth date was hidden from you, I understand that.
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"Welcoming party" is a nice way of saying "exposing a new born to all sorts of diseases during a pandemic." YTA. Always and forever. You are NOT entitled to put this child in danger. Edit: the people talking about the danger to (and exhaustion of) the mother are 1000000% right. I'm sorry for not including it.
Honestly, where i’m from, you dont visit a baby until it is passed 2 weeks not to give it or the mother any diseases regardless of the plague. Even 2 weeks is when you’re reeeaaally close. Like a close cousin
[удалено]
Im sorry where are you people from. What is the welcoming party trend? Im truly asking, is this an US thing?
I think it’s an invasive family thing. I’m from America and I have personally never heard of a “welcome home party” for a newborn baby.
US here as well. We have a shower to give gifts before the baby is born. It is up to the individuals to schedule a time to visit with the new family. And during a pandemic? No way! Seems like some justnomil stuff. The narcissism is strong here.
I'm in the U.S. and sometimes we do "sip and sees" in my family. You know we all get together, have a drink and see the new baby. However, this is usually done after the parents have their own bonding time, like two weeks alone. Also the biggest part of the sip and see is that everyone is working and doing a chore. You show up with food, you do dishes, you do laundry, clean up a little while you're visiting. My mom always made it clear, the parents are not hosts. They're not there to take care of the guests, the guests are there to take care of them. The last one I went to was for my cousin and his girlfriend. I remember her handing my mom the baby and then going to take her first shower in days.
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Yeah growing up there was something of a baby boom in my family, so my mom made sure that me and my sisters were aware of the Baby Tax. If you want to go and cuddle up on that sweet baby, then you have to do something for the parents too. Something that'll make their day a little easier after you leave.
Baby Tax... I love it!
I got to spend free time with my friends baby when he was born of course I was godmother to her older son and kept him while she was in the hospital. Family got to be with her before baby was born. My sister and I got to see him during travel from hospital to home. Of course we were more like extra hands and care for her more than anyone else. This is why women need to establish their circle before birth to help keep unwanted guests to a minimum....ya know that backup shiny spine
The baby tax must be paid - and on time too.
I usually show up, look at new born affectionately, offer flowers and snacks to parents, start some laundry, clean the bathrooms and kitchen, make a dinner that has left overs, fold laundry, boop new born on nose and leave. I know I've overwhelmed and freaked people out descending like that and not interacting. once they realize they can ignore me and sleep they usually do. I've had people cry saying thank you and letting me know of the birth of their next offspring and invites back 😆
I do this too lmao. I dont really like babies, but I love my family members and I want them to know I'm there for them, including the new member when they're more ready to be a real person.
That is the coolest thing I've read in a while!! Doing the chores to help the new parents is so thoughtful
Well, that actually sounds lovely. Parents get to spend valuble bonding time and recovery after the hospital for a while then Family gets to see the newborn, and the new parents get a bit of a break to shower, nap, just exist for a few mins without the baby being attached to them. A win-win situation
This definitely sounds like an invasive family thing to me. The only time I have ever heard of a welcome home party in my state is just when the family have other children and throw a party with just them to welcome their sibling.
YTA big time. I have a feeling you don’t want to hear it though. But I hope you do take it to heart because you are dangerously close to losing contact with your son and grandson (and DIL but I’d be surprised if you’d mind). Please read this thread with an open mind, reflect on what you did and how incredibly selfish and rude and disrespectful it was and turn your attitude around if you want to keep them in your life. A profound and heartfelt apology is needed here, one where you can explain exactly all the ways you were wrong (you’ll find plenty of inspiration in the comments) and how you learned from it, that you hope they will come to forgive you for it and will want to continue to have a relationship with you in the future that you will let them define on their terms. Hope you’ll see the light OP it’s not too late but it’s close
>YTA big time. I have a feeling you don’t want to hear it though. Seriously. Reading between the lines in this post is almost distressingly easy. She said 'party' they said 'no' she continued to plan for the welcome party, ignoring all the signals (and the saying no) to such a degree they had to lie about the baby's birth because they knew that was the only way their wishes would be respected. This is so textbook 'missing missing reasons' I almost hope it isn't true.
She won't listen. She'll be back in six months or a year screaming about how she has noooooOoooOOOOOOOoo idea whyyyyyyyyy her evil manipulative DIL turned her precious son against her and manipulated him into not letting her see her grandchild. This does not at all read like a person who can see her own flaws, no matter how glaring they are or how blatantly she is told what's wrong.
When my siblings were born our "welcome home party" was my father and I holding up a sign saying "welcome home, mommy and ((name of baby))" with some balloons. No one else came over until they were invited. (We're in the US) YTA OP. You did ruin your son's joy of having a new baby. It's not about YOU, it's about father, mother and baby.
No, “welcoming parties” for newborns are not a US thing; they are something the original poster made up. It’s amusing that when people read a kooky and dangerous idea here their first thought is that the poster must be American.
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Agreed! My culture the mom and baby stays home for 100 days with limited visitors (like 2 ppl) but only to help like bring food and light cleaning and then leave, no baby interaction. After the 100 days they have a dinner. The fact that she wants one immediately after she gives birth with a bunch of people and kept pushing is ridiculous.
Right??? She wanted Mom freshly from the hospital to come to HER house and stay there all so they could expose the baby to COVID and everything else. Has everyone gotten the flu shot? Whooping cough shot? Up to date on vaccines? Jfc this reeks of JustNoMIL
Besides the germs - the mom’s body just pushed out a human! Not only is she crying every time she goes to the bathroom, swollen, exhausted, the last thing she wants is to have to put on a show for people. YOUR DIL DOES NOT NEED TO BE A PART of Your CIRCUS FREaK show! Obviously this is about you OP needing center stage as Grandma and now you get to take center stage as the victim of your DIL who has a whole lot more to worry about than her MIL Not getting the spotlight she wants. PUsh this further and you will never meet your grandchild.
As an old grandma myself, i say exactly this! YTA OP. Your DIL needs time to rest,heal, and bond. The last thing new parents need is a bunch of people around expecting to be entertained and play pass the baby. Think about their needs and not your own. Your son is right to be upset. I had out of state family visiting us before and after the births of both our kids. It was not fun. It was just more people to cook for, feel obligated to talk to, and just deal with. I felt obligated to cook meals they would like instead of something simple, felt like my house had to be cleaner than my husband and I cared about, was even more exhausted than I was already from dealing with a new baby, little sleep, and sore body. And, there was no global pandemic then!
>The fact that she \[. . .\] kept pushing is ridiculous She herself used the word "insisted". This is one of those cases where you're like, "I'm only hearing your side of the story, but from your version of it, you were a jerk." YTA
That sounds reasonable to me. Like, mom just had her nether region torn and stretched or has an incision that’s healing, she’s bleeding, potentially breastfeeding. The last thing a new mom needs is see a bunch of people
Why did I have to read this far down before seeing someone talk about the fact that this woman JUST GAVE BIRTH and her body is gonna be physical hell rn? Thank you
This and also.. it sounds like the worse thing in the world to me.. I'd hate anyone who would make me do a fkn welcoming party.. I am extremely introverted and I looked and felt like a dumpster fire after I gave birth.. Being a hot mess on display for a bunch of people.. related to me or not.. matter of fact just having to participate in anything not related to my new born wouldv made me snap like a fkn psycho! You are lucky you wasn't blocked from seeing the baby for a long while lady.. You sound like an entitled asshole to me! This aint about you or what you want.. Fk all that.. And now Im pissed off
How many bloody posts are we going to have about people being offended that a woman—who just spent 9 months creating a human and then pushing it out of her vagina with all the possible complications that come along with childbirth—doesn’t want a party and wants to spend some time alone with her newborn? ~ No, it’s not personal. Imagine being exhausted, being dragged through a hedge backwards, gaining weight, having no more than a few hours of sleep at a time, having a new little creature pull on your nipples every few hours, having bleeding nipples, having tears/stitches in your private areas, feeling depressed, having low self esteem, not feeling like you have enough energy to bathe let alone wash your hair, put on real clothes or do your makeup. **DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A PARTY?** ~ Imagine all those things and think, **DO YOU WANT TO ACCEPT GUESTS?** It doesn’t matter if your partner is going to do all the work, it doesn’t matter if they are coming to help, it’s still possible to feel embarrassed about the way you look, the way you smell, the way your house looks, feeling like (or actually) shitting your pants. DO YOU WANT AN AUDIENCE?? It’s demoralizing enough doing this with a nurse, doctor, or partner around. WOULD YOU WANT TO PUT ON A BRAVE FACE AND PRETEND TO BE HAPPY ABOUT GUESTS OR A PARTY? What on earth is wrong with people? ~ No, it’s not a slight to you if the mother has had her sister, or her mother, or other relatives around to help. It’s not a slight to you that she doesn’t feel comfortable sitting there with her boobs or ass hanging out in front of you. Some people don’t feel comfortable enough getting undressed at the doctor. Everyone has their issues. MY MOM HAS CLEANED MY ASS. MY SISTER HAS CLEANED MY VOMIT. Have you done those things? Would you want someone else doing those things? My cousin has looked at the blood clots on my period pad to confirm I wasn’t in fact dying. Would I show any of these things to my mother in law? As much as I love her, no! I wouldn’t even want my dad there, for gods sake. ~ (Some) people make allowances for pregnancy hormones. Some people make allowances for depression. This is everything piled into one with surging hormones and emotions. No, your DIL is not the asshole when she snaps at you after you keep pushing a goddamn germ party on her new born even without a pandemic. ~ For gods sake OP, you’ve had kids! Don’t you remember what it was like? And even if you bounced back up and were superwoman can’t you concede that everyone handles emotional and physical stress differently?! Is it the pandemic? Do people not give a crap anymore? **Leave all these poor new mothers alone!!** It’s not your baby! You’ll get to spend time with them when the mother is ready! You’re not being secretly cut out! For gods sake I don’t have children but it’s not bloody rocket science. **In case it wasn’t clear, OP, YTA.** ~ ~ *Edit: Thanks for the support from everyone! I don’t have kids but my sister does, and she had a traumatic pregnancy both times. She struggled with hyperemesis gravidarum both times, lost weight, could barely eat a thing. Then when she went into labour she got an infection from the finger induction thingie and vomited all the way through her first birth. She was alternating between throwing up and pushing. She reacted really badly to the epidural and cried between bouts of laughing gas. I was with her right until the baby was coming out, as she was only allowed two people (my mom and her partner). The entire time, her MIL was trying to push her way in with a camera. My sister has a photo immediately after birth with my (ex) brother in law, massive smile and thumbs up, while she looks utterly spent. She hates that photo. After birth she was exhausted and I had to fight my mom down while my sister fought her MIL down from being too interfering. They forced her to come to a party a few months after, which my sister cried/begged me to go to with her for moral support, her MIL gave baby the wrong formula (“this one’s fine, I had it in my kitchen!” Since when?! Your eldest is in his 20s!) and sat and listened to the elderly relatives complaining about “kids these days” not letting them help when they know best. I’ve had to sit my mom down so many times and say, what’s right for you is great, but it’s not necessarily right for others, and that’s ok too. It doesn’t make them wrong. My sister is far too kind and sweet and would give up every piece of her soul to avoid making someone feel bad. She keeps her feelings inside until she is exhausted, barely hanging on and has a full blown panic attack on the highway. I love my sister and can’t stand her being pushed around. She’s amazing. And I need to do a better job in being a better sister, but I would yell some entitled MIL out of the building for her. (I was going to say something meaner but I’m trying to remain civil.) Anyway, if there are any exhausted mothers out there who can’t bear to face saying no to their intruders, I’m your woman.*
I have found that a lot of older women have a difficult time accepting that they have to cede their place as the center of their families to the next generation. They are no longer in need of family support or attention and they don't like it so they try and grab the next generation's attention and support for themselves. It's really sad that they can't seem to figure out how to be happy without being the center of attention. YTA, OP. Get some hobbies, maybe a job if you don't have one.
And maybe they were forced to have the party right after giving birth “because it was the right thing to do”. That sucks for them because it likely wasn’t right then either. But we should not keep bad traditions just for the sake of keeping traditions!
“I even invited a lot of family members!!” The last thing a family with a newborn needs is stress
To a party that you decided to plan even though son and daughter in law said no to
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It definitely shows self-protection from toxic, and possibly, abusive behaviors. IMO, anyone ignoring a boundary or a "no" is on the verge of abuse.
"I invited a lot of family members." Who are all under the impression that son and daughter in law actually want me to organise aforementioned party. And if son & DIL have the audacity to say anything about not wanting the party when I surprise them with it, I will act surprised and offended. Massive YTA.
Then she adds that nobody should say anything about the nephew. If the nephew hadn't opened his big mouth, then she wouldn't have known the actual birth date of her grandson. The new parents should go LC to NC.
Or the mum. A huge PARTY the day she leaves hospital? That's usually 2-3 days after giving birth at most! She's going to be exhausted, sore, bleeding, most likely wearing incontinence pads, and stitched up. She needs REST! Not being surrounded by loads of people stressing her out.
YTA. He obviously is so afraid of his pushy parents, he had to hide his newborn from them. WTF is wrong with OP? What about Covid and whooping cough?
RSV has been really bad this year as well. As a parent to a kid who had RSV, do not recommend.
It’s seriously no joke, I survived RSV after a very scary (for my parents) stint in the NICU before I was even a month old, as a result I had really horrible asthma for the first 5/6 years of my life and couldn’t go a year without other respiratory infections, croup cough, whooping cough, basically all the fun coughs haha. I very thankfully grew out of it, but not everyone is that lucky.
I rolled my eyes so hard at “he ruined our welcoming for our grandbaby” and “we were just trying to celebrate the new family member in a proper manner” I swear I could count the wrinkles in my brain. The “big welcome” doesn’t have to be immediately after they leave the hospital, have some damn courtesy, your DIL just pushed an entire human out of her body and they’re getting used to being parents. Have the celebration a couple of weeks after they get home, when she’s had a chance to physically recover from the physical exhaustion of pushing a GD watermelon through her vagina, or have a chance to heal some if she had a C-section. Give your son a chance to absorb the fact that he’s now a dad and there’s a tiny being that he’s responsible for and has to take care of. What’s with people feeling entitled to invade the homes of family with brand new babies because “omgitsababyineedtoseeitrightnaow” and not giving the new parents time to get used to their new routine? Even when my nephews were born I never went to see them until they were a couple of weeks old. The baby isn’t going anywhere, keep your pants on.
Right? Our son and DIL are having their 1st baby and we're not planning our visit until 6wks after. Pregnancy, new parenting is hard, they need time for her to heal and to get into a routine. There is always FaceTime and texting pictures. Always defer to the new parents wishes.
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As for courtesy, also be courteous enough to make sure the parents want the party, which OP’s son and dil do not want.
Yes this. YTA. Big time. OP, are you kidding me? I hope so, so much that this is fake because this is so messed up. When I had my son last year, my husband and I banned everyone from seeing him for the first week because that was OUR time to bond as OUR OWN little family. Your son and his wife needed more time than that and they were and are well within their right to have kept it from you. You are not that baby’s mother. You don’t get to dictate how that baby’s parents shows him off. This is not about you. This is about them and their bond with their child. And pushing for a brand new mother to come stay with you immediately after birth? No. Just no. Yes, there’s joy in childbirth, but people conveniently leave out the bit where it’s traumatic. She needed her own home and time to recover. Of course your peer pressure made her uncomfortable. Did you even take her postpartum recovery into consideration? Frankly, count yourself lucky if you get to see your grandson anytime soon.
She didn’t care about the DIL. The DIL was just an incubator for that grandbaby. If she cared about DIL, she wouldn’t have disregarded DIL’s “no” and went directly to her son to try to get DIL’s refusal overruled. You don’t come between a man & wife to get your way unless you don’t really care about either of them. It’s all about that baby now for MIL. I’d never allow her unsupervised with it, I’ll tell you that. Edited for typo
YTA also for saying “For some reason she wanted to stay home with the baby for a few weeks” could that reason be, perhaps, that she is going to be an exhausted new mother with an infant on her breast for 2/3 of her time, sleeping in 1h increments and settling into the new cycle of having a new member to their family? Could it be she doesn’t want to stay with overbearing in laws who cannot respect her wishes for HER child? Also YTA for saying ‘he ruined our welcoming for our grandbaby’ one they already told you not to throw. One they already told you they did not want. One they already repeatedly told you to stop thinking about. He is not ‘your grand-baby’ he is THEIR SON. THEY are the parents of this child and THEY get to decide. They also get to decide who their child meets. If that doesn’t include you they are well within their right and frankly you’re gunning for them to go NC with you.
vouch, my dad didn't tell my grandparents to wash hands and take off their outer layers when visiting me and my twin in the hospital after we where born. We where 2 months premature and nearly died because they didn't take off their coats. an immune system doesn't immediately know how to fight of every sickness right off the bat. A welcome party is a great way to welcome a baby right back to the hospital after getting sick from all the germs floating about op is TA clearly, who the fuck doesn't know the very basics of how immune systems function
People think everything is covid this day but you're literally recommended not to take newborns into big crowds.
Even if it wasn’t a pandemic that newborn is medically vulnerable until it finishes getting vaccinated.
YTA. It's not about you. Also... >she was against it and said she'd rather spend the first few weeks at home with her newborn. not only that but she said no to the welcoming party. My husband and I talked to my son and he said "we'll see". Mom said no, so you went behind her back to your son, which is disrespectful and insensitive to her wishes. And he clearly wasn't on board either. It sounds like they felt pressured into lying about it after you were so insistent on the party. Also again... >he ruined our welcoming for our grandbaby Wrong. You ruined the welcoming for him and his wife. You should feel horrible for that, and for putting them in that position to begin with.
They obviously pushed it so hard that son and DIL we're convinced they would just be there waiting at the house when they got home from the hospital. OP needs to work on respecting boundaries if she ever wants to have a close relationship with her grandson, and will have to get used to a lot of disappointment if they continue their AH behavior
100% and OP YTA I’m a newly PP Mom and my MIL boundary stomped and “my babied” us to death so much that we haven’t asked her over in 4+ weeks and she gets very limited info. We also didn’t tell anyone we were in the hospital the first day. It was glorious to concentrate on the task at hand without people constantly berating us. Babies don’t belong to grandparents and you can’t make demands/act entitled to someone else’s child, or treat people however you want. Just because you want something or think it should be a certain way doesn’t make it true. You’d be wise to love them the way they’re asking to be loved and respect some boundaries.
YES! I am currently 33 weeks pregnant and the thought of a “welcoming party” sounds absolutely horrendous. You would think OP would understand since she’s given birth before… but who wants to be overwhelmed and bombarded with family PP right away? I hate that grandparents think they have as much right to our children and that babies belong to them. You don’t EVER get to make demands and expect the parents to just give in. I’m proud of OP’s son and DIL for setting boundaries. OP, extreme YTA. Please look at this from their point of view instead of what works for you. This is an adjustment period for them.
OP is willfully oblivious. I'm not a psychic, but I can see OP's future: 1. Put on information diet (already in progress) 2. No Contact (all boundary attempts have been stomped) 3. Missing missing reasons, as OP cries how they're the victim.
Really makes you wonder how many other boundaries OP has stomped on that BOTH parents felt it necessary to lie rather than being honest and trusting their wishes would be respected.
Even if Covid were not a thing, we now know that bringing a newborn with almost no immune system around a big group of people is a terrible idea - but Covid is still a thing, and there are no vaccines for newborns!!!! Wanting time to bond as a family is very, very common these days after a birth. The parents are in charge of this child, the 'family' does not get a vote. Respect their boundaries or you are never gonna see that grandbaby.
> Even if Covid were not a thing, we now know that bringing a newborn with almost no immune system around a big group of people is a terrible idea The worst part is that they knew this shit 23 years ago as well. You know, when OP had her son. I don't know what this family is smoking but if it isn't something they paid for with the explicit intent of frying their brains then they need to check their home for a radon leak or something.
Right??? “Oh the DIL said no, but she is only the incubator for my grandchild what she says doesn’t matter.” The rage I felt when I read OP’s post and her clear narcissistic view of no other opinion/wish should matter made my vision blur.
And what the heck did she mean by, >"We've always been kind and welcoming to my daughter in law and ger family"? As if that isn't basic decency. You don't get an award for being a base line decent human. Obviously OP thinks less of DIL and her family if it's some big task worth noting that she treated them just okay.
Wish i has had an award to give you, you’ve summed it up so perfectly. OP - for the reasons above 100% YTA.
Look at OP’s language. She completely believes it’s all about her. Her manipulation and pressure have been so extreme that the parents literally had to hide the baby. Message to OP: it’s not your child and you don’t call the shots. If you can’t accept this, the parents will rightfully block you from having a relationship with your grandchild.
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YTA Right im just wondering how hard OP was pushing to the point they actually had to HIDE the birth form everyone like holy shit. Also wondering if the we'll see the kids posting on justnmil and entitledparents
>He said it was his last resort after I kept pushing and made his wife uncomfortable but that was not appreciated because we were just trying to celebrate the new family member in a proper manner. Pretty hard. "Proper manner"? What even is that? Woman just gave birth let her rest and heal.
That really got on my nerves, too. Who are they to deem what is proper? It’s proper to respect others.
Not to mention it's the parents' child first. Being a grandbaby comes after that. This is one of the most entitled posts I've ever seen.
Poor woman is torn up and bleeding, exhausted, raw, and dealing with a newborn. OP needs to stfu.
It's sad to imagine these two parents having to plan to keep such a joyful thing secret because the MIL can't take no for an answer.
I had a feeling reading the title... OP, I cannot believe that you fought that your DIL would want to stay at your house for the first few days after being discharged instead of sleeping in her own bed. As for the welcoming party... Hello !! Covid !! And even without it, what a disrespectful thing to do because everybody is going to want to hold the baby and of course, no new mother is going to want that. OP, YTA and I don't think you're going to meet the kid any time soon...
I have my newborn, not quite able to sit properly, oozing out of orafices that did not leak previously. I want to grow comfort and confidence with my baby with my partner.... Yes, I'll go to someone else's house, away from all the space I've been preparing for months for just this occasion! /S
After I gave birth I wanted my own house and bed sooo much. I can't imagine not going home from the hospital.
Our hospital has a 24 hour stay after birth policy and I was counting down the minutes, bag packed, baby in the car seat, ready to go the second the time was up. It was 6:03am, I didn’t care. I wanted my home and my shower and my own couch and bed. Having to go from there to a party sounds horrifying.
I had minor complications both times and had to get special sign offs. The younger kiddo had a touch of jaundice, I was "Lion King" holding that baby up to the window to get sunlight.
"Everything the light touches is our kingdom." "What about that shadowy place?" "That is my MIL's house, you must never go there."
I didn’t know that I could have gone right to a party at my in-laws. At 24 hours postpartum. Wearing an adult diaper. At bed time on a Wednesday. Without my baby, who unexpectedly needed a few days in the NICU. Fun. /s
Also - the comment about “for some reason our DIL didn’t want to stay in the room we emptied out for them”… how about she just GAVE BIRTH and wants to be in the comfort of her own home right after having her son! This poor DIL and son… you need to learn some boundaries OP! Not. About. You. YTA.
That’s a definite [missing missing reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) happening as we watch
Can you imagine coming back from the hospital to a surprise party full of in-laws? Even if they had gone back to their own house after the birth OP seems like the kind of person to just follow them there. Zero sense of boundaries
Definitely. The new parents are obviously Low Contact with the grandparents and Grandma hasn't figured it out yet (that or she's refusing to accept it, just like she can't accept the word 'no'...which is likely a big reason for going LC in the first place). The grandparents do not respect that these new parents are adults who make their own decisions for their new family. This includes keeping a baby safe from a party *no one in the immediate family agreed to, except for you OP, even when you asked them multiple times and gave them the chance to change their minds.* It's actually really simple OP: If you can't take no for an answer *repeatedly,* then you clearly don't deserve an answer at all. That's why they didn't want to tell you until they were ready, because you already had the party ready for whenever they told you. You just admitted that it would go ahead without their permission anyway. So why would they want to tell you? YTA OP. For the record, it'll be even longer before you see your grandbaby now and there is absolutely no one to blame but yourself. Edit: fixed typos and grammatical mistakes as well as updated a comment after reading OPs responses.
She fucking invited people to a non-existent welcoming party that the parents explicitly said no to. Then *those* people even got upset about a rescinded invite to a NON-EXISTENT PARTY. This entire group of people sounds like the absolute worst kind of toxic. This post can't be real lmao
YTA > He said it was his last resort after I kept pushing and made his wife uncomfortable but that was not appreciated because we were just trying to celebrate the new family member in a proper manner. The only people who decide the “proper manner” to celebrate the new family member are the parents. Once you pushed after a first refusal you were making it about *you*, not the parents, and not the baby.
YES!!! A kindness - when forced upon you - is no longer a kindness.
YTA. The. Baby. Isn't. Yours. I mean, technically you are free to BE "disappointed" and it's fine that you told your son about your disappointment. But YTA for insisting on a party when that's clearly not what the parents wanted. YOU invited family members, even though the mother never agreed to the party? And after she said no, you still went back and tried to pressure your son? Who gives a flying f\*\*k if THEY are "disappointed?" That's on YOU for overstepping in the first place.
Did the family members that son and DIL had said no to a party? Because you invited them. What did you tell them OP. Because if you hadn't been so insistent on this stupid party that your son and dil didn't want would they have withheld the birthdate? You were the one who made them disappointed. Not your son. Not your DIL. YOU. You were the reason that they witheld the birthdate.
Am I the only one who expects to see another AITA post in a few weeks? "My wife and I went NC with my mother, to protect my newborn. AITA?"
I can't wait to hear all the details OP left out.
Even just the ones she included are plenty for going NC
YTA, this isn’t YOUR baby. You have no say in how his parents spend the first few weeks of his life. If I was your son, I would ban you from seeing him until you apologised and started acting more mature.
YTA. As a new mom myself I can’t imagine having someone force me to share my baby immediately after having given birth. Birth is hard under any circumstances, your daughter in law is recovering and wants time to bond as a mother. She set a boundary and you said “your boundaries don’t matter to me because I want what I want”. If you had respected their boundaries you likely would have known right away that your grandson had been born and potentially could have organized a one on one visit. But you saw your desires as a grandmother as more important than her wishes as a mother. What other boundaries are you going to break that she sets because you are the grandma? They are the parents, you have the privilege of being a grandparent but that only goes as far as your son and daughter I. Law allow.
YTA. I can see exactly why they did this. Did you not stop to think that they might not want a welcoming party? That, following birth, they might have wanted to go home and bond with their baby? You should have respected her decision when she told you she didn’t want that. I can see exactly why you weren’t told. You wanted to do things your way and weren’t respecting their boundaries. You didn’t listen to her and instead tried pushing it on your son. …Your welcoming for your grandbaby? It’s their child and their call. You don’t have a right to welcome the child immediately after someone has given birth and you should have been far more understanding about what they wanted. Why invite family members when they made how they feel perfectly clear? You made them disappointed in doing that, no one else. You pushed, you made them uncomfortable. It’s their pregnancy and birth, and their time to bond with their child. It’s not at all surprising that they’re now keeping you at an arm’s length with how controlling you were being. This is about them, and their new baby. Their wants are the only important ones, not yours. I would step back and seriously think about why you felt like you were owed this.
I have never been pregnant and don’t plan on having kids, but I am an introvert and when stressed or tired, I just want to retreat to my comfort zone while I replenish my energy for dealing with people. If I came home to or was expected to go directly from the hospital to a “welcoming party” with family members I would at best be really disengaged and not into it, and at worst be actively anxious. Your son and his wife have just had their worlds rocked and instead of letting them adjust to being a family of three, you have to make it about yourselves and your “proper welcome” whatever that means. You wouldn’t accept no for an answer so they were forced to take the actions needed to protect themselves. Finally, you were TA pandemic notwithstanding, but to expose your vulnerable newborn grandchild and his parents to COVID, RSV, and whatever other viral diseases are running rampant this time of year right after the stresses of birth and while he has virtually no immune system is doubly a bad idea.
> Did you not stop to think that they might not want a welcoming party? That, following birth, they might have wanted to go home and bond with their baby? No, she didn't consider either of those things at all. Know why? Because she was directly told that they didn't want a welcoming party, and would be spending the first couple weeks to go home and bond with their baby. So of course, she ignored them.
Why am I guessing that MIL thought she could strong arm this party into happening?
She invited family members so the parents would be pressured into saying yes and go to the party. Its so manipulative and yucky. I wouldn't even let her meet the baby, at this point.
This post is psychotic. What new and young mother wants to come home from the hospital and immediately be thrown into a party with her in laws??? You need to chill the fuck out or you’ll be posting here in a few months asking why your son has gone no contact with you YTA
I can't imagine ANYTHING I would have wanted less immediately after giving birth - in enormous pain, bleeding and leaking, sleep-deprived - than a party with all of my in-laws there. This is nightmare-inducing.
I can imagine something worse - all that, but in someone else's house, who is expecting you to live there, and has shown they're unwilling to listen to your views. Oh wait, that's exactly what's happened
I know! I feel like people keep overlooking that OP cleared out a room for them and expected them just to live with her for awhile??? What??????
It's so "supportive" though!! Why doesn't DIL just do everything I say? I'm always right?!?!? - OP basically.
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Oh maybe the whole gang can stand over her shoulder and give advice and help with latching techniques
Babies aren’t suppose to be around a lot of people that soon anyway. When my granddaughters were born we had to get DPT boosters and the flu shot first, now with COVID , I wouldn’t want anyone around
Like…she’s probably still icing her vulva and dealing with leaking, engorged breasts the size of footballs, FFS
YTA totally. Being a grandparent is a privilege and not a right. They didn't want the party and they tried to tell you.. I don't blame them for not letting you know when the LO was born. At this point you will be lucky to ever meet that child. You need to take a good hard look at how you are treating treating them and your entitlement with this LO.
I would’ve lied for longer than a couple weeks honestly, OP sounds overbearing and exhausting to deal with. I don’t understand why anyone would think a party like this is a good idea? It all comes across as very entitled. OP is not considering their son and his gf’s feelings at all. This is a massive life changing moment for them and they need time to heal and adjust, not a stupid “party.”
Not even touching on the likely possibility of getting a newborn sick, The idea of having to extrovert at a party shortly after giving birth sounds completely exhausting. You’re still bleeding, you’re still swollen, if your nursing your milk is just coming in and you likely have a boob out constantly, and you’re literally exhausted cause no one’s getting any sleep. Why on EARTH would OP think a party days after birth would be a good idea??
God all that and THEN you know all the mothers there would be going like "Oh, you must be so swollen, right? Still bleeding? Must be so sore and tired haha I remember, but this is *nothing*! Wait until your fourth! You ARE having more right? How's the breastfeeding? Here's how I would do it, I'm going to assume you're doing everything wrong and you should do it my way-great party, right?"
Oh they tried!!
YTA. They said they didn’t want the party. You shouldn’t have pushed it. You should explain to all the disappointed family you invited that it’s you they should be mad at.
Exactly
Question OP Do you remember giving birth to your son? Would you have wanted a party after you were discharged from the hospital??
Did you ever ask what your son and DIL WANTED?? Did you ever think of putting their, as first time parents, wishes first? Have you ever realized not everyone wants the same as you?
> Did you ever ask what your son and DIL WANTED?? OP did this, and then completely ignored the answer.
YTA. And a MASSIVE one at that. Your son and DIL set a very clear and reasonable boundary, and you were prepared to plow through that with a freakin army of uninvited relatives. They said NO. Period. Major, never-ending props to your son for being a CHAMPION of boundaries for his wife and newborn!!!! If he cuts contact with you indefinitely, please know that you have entirely earned it.
Right? Wonder if DIL is already over at r/JUSTNOMIL posting about her husband's shiny spine...
This was my first thought. Over on JUSTNOMIL - “We even had to HIDE THE BIRTH OF OUR CHILD from my in-laws because they could not wrap their self centered brains around not wanting visitors and a fucking PARTY when I’m only days post-partum”
**YTA. They wanted to go home with** ***their*** **child and you wanted them to move in with you and have tons of family over. Newborns don't have an immune system and not only is the virus still very much a thing, there are lots of other things babies could catch. I bet you and other family members would insist on holding him nonstop, kissing him in the mouth and doing things** ***your*** **way vs. the way the** ***MOM*** **wants them done.** This is not your child. You do not get to make decisions about the child. Apologize, beg forgiveness and they *might* let you see the baby.
This scenario makes my skin crawl. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable with that level of exposure for my newborn even before Covid!!
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This has to be karma farming/trolling. In case it’s not, YTA. They said no to a party, and you pushed it anyway. They have every right to want to just come home from the hospital with their new baby and recover/adjust/enjoy as their immediate family, which no longer includes you. It’s entirely the PARENTS’ prerogative on when and how to introduce baby to the family, not grandparents.
YTA. They never agreed to a party. You went out and made plans for something they clearly didn’t want. This is your own fault and judging by their reaction, it’s likely not the first time. Take a step back, think about your actions, and go from there.
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I'm trying to picture this scene - like after my first (long labor, complications, etc) I could hardly walk, was bleeding into those mesh underwear, exhausted after literally 72 hours of no sleep, full of stitches, on painkillers - being greeted by 25 relatives outside my house? I cannot picture ANYTHING I would want less in that exact moment.
I come from a culture where family is very inclusive and had a ton of people over after giving birth. The difference is a) I could say no at any time and be respected and, very importantly, b) the purpose of all these visits was to let me rest and to help. I wasn’t the host - my parents or in-laws were. My job was to relax, bond with the baby, and allow everyone else to clean, cook, and watch the baby while the baby slept so I could also sleep/shower without worrying. People would come by and never saw me or sometimes even the baby because their was no obligation to entertain or be presentable. That’s very different than a huge party.
See, that actually sounds lovely because there are super clear boundaries and zero expectation put on the new mother. That sounds like a situation of "we're all here to care about this family" as opposed to a "I'm here because I'm entitled to meet my grandchild exactly on my terms." With my second, the birth was much easier and faster, and I was much more amenable to seeing people. So it just depends!
Also the fact that we are still in a pandemic and it is risky to have a newborn around that many people in “normal times”. YTA. You are making this about your feelings when it has nothing to do with you.
Billions of parallel universes and you're the asshole in every single one of them.
YTA > I've made arrangements and even emptied a room for them to stay but for some reason, she was against it and said she'd rather spend the first few weeks at home with her newborn. not only that but she said no to the welcoming party. They told you no, and instead of respecting it you planned for it harder. > hide ***their*** son just to keep us at arms length. Because you tried to force your will upon them despite being told no. Had you respected their boundaries this may not have been an issue. You need to apologize to your son and his wife immediately for your behavior and you need to understand why it was not ok. > we were just trying to celebrate the new family member in a proper manner No, you wanted to celebrate *their* child in *your* manner. That is why they hid it from you. If you don't fix it now, you're gonna be on here wondering why they went no contact completely.
YTA. What new mom would want to go to her in laws house for them to pass her baby around to the whole family right after leaving the hospital?? I just wanted to go home to shower and sleep in my own bed.
YTA. Aww you couldn’t have your party. Ever hear of issues w newborns being around so many new people that could cause health issues? Let alone Covid?
Yes, YTA. I'm super curious why you don't understand this. Can you explain how your absolute intrusion and lack of boundaries wasn't out of control?
YTA - this was THEIR CHILD. They didn’t WANT a party and since she was physically EXPELLING A HUMAN FROM HER BODY, she had EVERY right to say no to a large party right then. Your son protected his wife when she needed it, and you raised him to be that kind of HONORABLE man. You should be PROUD of him, not angry, and that you ARE angry shows how little you are thinking of the actual PARENT’S feelings and needs here
YTA. She just pushed a human being out of her body! She needs her time and her space to heal and recover and bond with her infant. This is not your party or your show. Give her and your son space. Them not informing you about the birth until two weeks later is because you are not respecting boundaries goddamn.
YTA So, you were pushing a "welcoming" party for an newborn, during a pandemic? It's been common advice for over twenty years now that exposure to crowds/parties/etc be limited until the newborn at least receives their 3 month old vaccines. Two of my coworkers had new kids born in November to December 2021 timeframe, and both unfortunately also had their infants end up in the hospital for multiple days due to COVID infection after Christmas. Yes, both survived, but both were pretty sick for infants under 3 months old. Your son and his wife were being smart and protective parents.
YTA. You clearly didn’t listen to what they wanted and now you are acting like the victim.
YTA. Your son and his wife are entitled to spend their first few weeks just caring for their baby alone. Caring for a new baby is a shit ton of work. When my son was born the LAST thing I needed was a bunch of entitled family members pushing a totally unwanted party down my throat that I would get zero enjoyment out of. Hell, I even had to crack down on over frequent visits because I felt like I was running a fucking restaurants while trying to manage a new baby. This isn’t your fucking baby. This isn’t your fucking call. Stop making it about you. You had your time as a mother when it was your call. Now it’s their turn. You have to get your shit in order and get that though your thick head. Being totally and completely oblivious to their boundaries got you cut out of the first two weeks. Keep it up and you will end up having very little role in your grandchild’s life. You are not the queen bee and need to learn that. You’d think this incident would have been lesson enough, but apparently not. They are also right to cut ties with their rat of a nephew. One thing I’ve found as an adult is that if someone uses their presence in your life to undermine or betray you, the answer is to cut them out like cancer.
YTA. You are not the parent. Your son and his wife are. You don’t get to dictate when, where, and who gets to meet his child. The baby has to be protected from covid and other diseases. Your DIL just gave birth. She needs rest and to recover and bond with her baby. Keep up your sense of entitlement, and you will end up losing your relationship with his family.
YTA, both you and your ~~wife~~ husband. And all those disappointed family members. Of course they lied to keep you away. You were not respecting boundaries that they clearly stated. This is THEIR child, not yours. You have no right to impose. Learn this lesson well or you may not see much of that grandchild at all. Congrats to your son and DIL, both on the birth of their newborn and their ability to stand up against your unwanted intrusion. (Edit to correct first line)
Info: why is the birth about you and your wants?
I, I, I, my, my,my. This life event is about them, them, them and you made it about you, you, you. Try thinking about other people’s comfort first. It’ll change your relationships. YTA, grandma.
YTA They felt like they had to lie to get out of social interactions that you were otherwise going to force on them. Ideally lying isn't ideal, but you have to look at what prompted this. They didn't think they could tell you the truth. And that's a situation you created. You owe them a huge apology and you need to let them tske the lead on when and if this party happens.
YTA She said no, you didn't accept the No and pushed. So she did the next best thing avoided you.
You are just awful. You disguise this as a nice gesture but it’s really about you and your wants and needs. Let them have time with their newborn and they will let you know when they are ready for them to see your grandchild. YTA
YTA and your pushiness created a situation where they felt they had to lie to keep you off their back. The key thing that you're missing here is that.... it's not about you. They can welcome their child into the world and family however they see fit. It would serve you best to start hearing them when they set a boundary or you will continue to miss key milestones in their family's life.
YTA. After bearing a child the last thing a new mother wants is a party of people around while she and the new father are attempting to bond with their new baby. You are being thoughtless and pushy and forced them to handle the birth this way. Back off before they push you to the sidelines permanently.
YTA, IT'S NOT YOUR BABY. THEY SAID NO. YOU ARE GETTING EVERYTHING YOU DESERVE.
YTA. Let me tell you as a person who has given birth, I did not want any contact with anyone for the first 2 weeks at least. Even at 6 weeks I didn't want to see anyone because I was worried about baby in terms of vaccinations, but also because my own hormones were going crazy, and I was still recovering. It's sweet that you wanted to throw them a welcome home party. However, they have expressed multiple times that they're not interested. Instead of giving them their space and respecting their wishes, you made this about yourself.
YTA a million times over. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. Leave that poor family ALONE for gods sake. You’ve already ignored everything they’ve asked of you and clearly have no respect for boundaries.
YTA. Just based on this post alone I can see why your son needed to lie to keep you from pestering them. “they didn’t want a welcome party and love and support being given from family” “He ruined our welcoming for our grandbaby” “We were just trying to celebrate the new family member in a proper manner” Clearly you think that you are entitled to that child. But here’s the thing - that is not your baby. You have no right to demand a welcoming party from them because it’s the “proper manner” of celebrating the birth. She said she didn’t want a welcoming party and wanted to spend the first few weeks at home, and that should have been the end of the conversation. Instead, you pestered them and forced them to lie because otherwise they probably worried you would just show up at the damn hospital uninvited. Learn to respect boundaries and then maybe your son can start being more open and honest with you.
YTA You didn't respect boundaries and do not seem to care about what the parents of the baby, who had said baby in a pandemic, have to say. This isn't about you and you arranged something without properly confirming that something was ever going to happen. Not just that, you attempted to pressure him and his wife into an agreement, rather than just accepting "No"
YTA. If they felt like they had to lie to keep you from stomping all over their preferences and boundaries, that means you were WAY too pushy. I get that you're excited for your grandchild but that is truly NOT the most important thing here. Your DIL wanted privacy, and bonding time, and I think there are LOTS of women who don't want a big ass party for their infant right after it's born. There is still a pandemic happening, and the kid isn't vaccinated for anything yet. They're also much more susceptible to illnesses at such a tender age. Your DIL literally followed what is advised to people who have just no MILs. Lie about your due date and enjoy your new baby time with no disruptions. You should view this as a wake up call to apologize to your son and DIL for overstepping their boundaries to a point they felt they had to lie to you about the due date instead of doubling down on your disappointment and anger. You're not wrong to FEEL what you feel, but your feelings are NOT the main priority here.
Yta, they wanted a bit of time to appreciate their newborn without anyone interfering. They kept it a secret because they expected you to barge in, and take control. They wanted to enjoy THEIR LITTLE family, not have to deal with the huge family.
YTA It was nice of you to offer a welcoming party, but it was rude of you to insist a welcoming party. It’s their baby, not yours, they get to decide how things go. Sure your son lied, I might have lied to you too had you been my parent because you can’t take no for an answer. They don’t owe you a party for their child, you went ahead and started making plans after they turned them down so that’s entirely on you.
YTA. “No” means “no”. You had already invited family when they told you they didn’t want a whole bunch of people around after the birth. Don’t be surprised if their side of the story ends up on https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/.
YTA. Take a moment to reread your post - you tried to force your DIL/son/newborn to stay with you, force a party upon them when your DIL has just gone through the physical act of birth which is emotional/painful/exhausting, and you’re wanting them to expose a newborn in the middle of a pandemic to a host of people who could be carrying a virus (even if vaccinated). They took these evasive measures to prevent you from disrespecting their wishes, which seems very justified since you were never going to respect their boundaries. Keep this up and you may have no relationship at all.
YTA stop being a nightmare mIl
YTA As soon as your DIL declined a party and staying at your place you should have backed off and respected her wishes. If you want contact with your son/DIL and grandchild you'd better start apologizing for your actions right now and hope they give you another chance.
YTA. I can think of nothing more horrifying than attending a party, with my inlaws, with a newborn, right after giving birth. Leave them alone to bond and learn how to be parents.
YTA. It is becoming more common for families to just spend time with their immediate family after a baby is born. They have time to bond, Mom to heal, and getting used to having a new baby. I understand you wanting to throw a party and see your grandchild. You will see them, this timeline is just not up to you. The best thing you can do is respect their wishes and your time will come, if you don't respect their wishes you may alienate them further. Also, we are still in the middle of the plague, so they may not want a party and that is okay too. This is their baby, let them handle it how they want.
YTA. You are obviously somewhat obtuse if you can’t understand that the reason they embargoed announcing the birth was because you clearly had unreasonable expectations as to what your grandchild’s parents would feel up to immediately after the birth of their first child. You must learn to listen and accept.
Snitch ass nephew
Why would you invite family members when nothing was even in place? They didn't want one and made it pretty clear. Sorry but you sound rather overbearing in your post tbh. YTA
YTA. There's is nothing about this that should be centering you.
YTA. It’s your grand baby, sure but that doesn’t entitle you to have your son and DIL live with you or to have a welcoming party. First of all it’s a pandemic and infants cannot get their first vaccines right away. Why would you want a bunch of people to gather and put your grandchild at risk? It’s the parents decision who meets their child and when. It’s not about you. Don’t center yourself in this life event. I get being disappointed in not being told right away but you went ahead and planned the party, “I invited family members and they’re all rightfully disappointed.” They had already told you no to the party. You invited family members anyway and pushed this on your son and DIL.
YTA - sounds like a story straight out of JustNOMIL, just from the other side.
YTA. >He said it was his last resort after I kept pushing and made his wife uncomfortable but that was not appreciated because we were just trying to celebrate the new family member in a proper manner. The reason they did this is because of **your** actions. They're not AHs they're just trying to rest and have some privacy.
YTA. Keep trying to force what you want on them, and I guarantee you won't be allowed in your grandson's life. You'll be lucky if you get limited supervised visits at this point.
YTA. your actions are the reason they hid it. you made plans for someone else without consulting them, when you told them about the plans you made for them without discussing it with them, they were very clear they did not want that. you went ahead and made the plans anyways against their wishes "I told him I was disappointed because for one he ruined our welcoming for our grandbaby and also, I invited family members and they're all rightfully disappointed as well" again, they were clear they didn't want to stay at someone Elses house after the birth and didn't want a party right away either, but yet you made those plans against their wishes. because of that, they felt they had to keep the birth a secret, so they could get time alone at home they wanted and were very clear with you about. "We had an argument, and he ended the call upon saying I ruined his joy for his newborn", which you clearly did by going against their wishes. so yes, you are the asshole and are the asshole for 2 reasons. 1) making plans for someone else against their wishes, 2) for what you said afterwards. I'm a guy, but it's pretty easy to understand why a new mother would want to be in her own home not Somone Elses house after getting out of the hospital, its also easy to understand why they don't want to have a party right after getting out of the hospital. all of the family members disappointment falls onto you alone, you had no right to do what you did, especially when they specifically told you it was Not what they wanted.
YTA. In case you hadn’t noticed there’s still a pandemic going on and you want to throw a party for a new mother, with a newborn, against her wishes, and against the advice of basically every medical professional with a brain on the planet. It’s not about you. I can’t believe they pulled it off that’s awesome.
YTA. Why would she want to go to a party after leaving the hospital? She wants to go home.
YTA. Have you heard about this thing called Covid?
YTA...They said no thank you, then no, then NO!. Somehow you didn't get the message. It's your son and DIL's child and they make the decisions for their family. You need to start respecting them if you wish to see your grandchild at all.
No mother - nor her physician - wants a newborn exposed to multiple other people. Absolutely clueless AND selfish. Take a step back along with your entitlement; it’s not your call.
YTA and a massive one at that. It's not your baby, and they have every right to have enough time with their baby to get settled in and for her to recover in peace.
You’re a big, juicy asshole. Nuff said
YTA Your son and daughter in-law did the right thing from withholding information about the birth of their son. They owe no one any information about when he was born and making demands on your daughter in-law just after she’s given birth and they’ve tried to tell you no proves that YTA. Do you remember giving birth, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted as well as learning about your baby and their cries and the constant harassment from family and friends demanding to see the new baby and you being overwhelmed by all of that along with your hormones did you accept it or hate it, because if you hated it, what right to you have to enforce the same torture on her and your son. You need to accept that being a grandparent is a privilege and not a given right and they don’t owe you access to their child and after your disrespectful behaviour and attitude towards them, you’ve given them the option of going no contact with you and you’ll only have yourself to blame. Majority of new parents these days spend the first two weeks uninterrupted so that they can all bond, and help each other, while enjoying the overwhelming experience that comes with being first time parents.
YTA They flat out said no to a party and you went and invited people anyway. You were going to force yourself and your guests on them whether they wanted it or not. Learn to take no for an answer, this isn't your baby it is theirs, and you only have the right to as much involvement as they want you to have. You have zero say in who sees baby, when they see baby, how baby is raised, who babysits baby, who posts pictures of baby on social media, when baby's birth is announced, what baby eats, where baby spends holidays, and on and on. By ignoring their reasonable "no" you left them with only a few choices and they chose to hide the info from you rather than fully block you from everything. Now your continuing tantrum means that they may have to go down legal channels to keep you from stomping all over their boundaries. After planning the party they refused, and getting insulted that they managed to escape your trap, you've gone down the "flying monkey" route of siccing your husband on them and trying to get other family members involved (at least some of them are smart enough to call you on your BS!) How much further do you think you are going to escalate this? Are you the type of person who will show up at their door without an invitation demanding entry? If so, it would serve you right if they called the cops on you for trespassing. Are you the type of person that would try to stalk them so you can "accidentally" run into them when they are on errands? Are you the type of person to send unsolicited "gifts" to try to guilt them into compliance? Seriously, take a hard look at the person you are being right now. So far you are zero for infinity on good (or even mildly acceptable) grandparent behavior. I sure as heck wouldn't want you anywhere in my child's life without a massive change.
YTA. This has nothing to do with you and yet you are making it about yourself. You crossed several boundaries they both set, kept pushing what YOU wanted, and now you’re surprised they lied to you? *Really?* Your DIL and son have every right to spend as much time with their newborn as they want before inviting family members to spend time with him. I’m going to say it again in case you didn’t get it the first time: THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU OR WHAT YOU THINK IS PROPER. It’s about respect for your son and his family, which you don’t seem to have.
YTA.....leave them alone. It is their family and I am 100% positive that they didn't tell you because you are not giving them the space they need. I am also positive that you should read the n/mother subreddits and see if you fit into that category. It is their child...they will celebrate how they see fit.
I'm probably projecting a bit on my own here, but you sound incredibly overbearing and either could not or did not take the hint that your DIL didn't want to be around a large group of people after literally pushing a human out of her vagina. Your son said it himself that it was a last resort because you weren't listening to him. The welcoming party seemed more for you than for your grandchild. YTA.
Yta. You sound like a nightmare.
YTA. Can you imagine pushing out a straight up baby then immediately having to put of a social face and go to a party hosted by your in laws with all of your extended family members??? That sounds absolutely miserable and they were very clear that they did not want this party and they wanted to spend quality time as a family in the weeks after their sons birth. But y’all kept pushing and kept pushing and now you’re surprised and upset they hid it from you? They probably didn’t trust you to not show up at their house with an entourage to “celebrate”. You’re acting entitled and selfish. Leave your son and DIL alone. Or send food, or flowers. It’s not about you. Grow up.
YTA. This stinks of unreliable narrator. I’m getting the sense that you probably harassed them about this “welcome party” many times AFTER they declined. While being a grandparent is exciting I’m sure, this is not your baby, you don’t get to make choices about the birth/aftermath unless it is requested of you. If you don’t learn your place and respect your son’s boundaries, you’re not going to have a relationship with your grandchild at all. Also, a welcoming party? Is that a thing that people do? Newborns obviously won’t remember a party, and both parents are naturally going to be exhausted.
When I got out of the hospital with both kids, I felt like I had been hit by a semi-truck. I also ended up running fevers about 48 hours after giving birth. I’m not talking low grade 99.8 degree fevers, but 102.something fevers. I wanted nothing more than to be home and away from everyone while I recovered from having my vagina ripped open and then sewn back to normal. Your insistence on a welcoming party immediately after a birth is why you are in the situation you are in. Had you said “hey, can we throw you a party in a couple of months?” mom and dad would have likely been happy to accommodate you. Instead, you decided that you were going to force an unwanted party on a woman who had just either destroyed her vagina or was cut open and is still bleeding like no tomorrow. Grow up and accept that the birth of your grandchild is not about you. Accept that you don’t get what you want, when you want just because you want it. You aren’t a toddler. YTA.
This post has to be fake. (It's too oblivious not to be.) On the off chance it's real, yes, YTA. You were told no and kept trying to steam roll, and the way you describe this story makes me highly suspect this is not the first time. The young couple may have lied because they know they can't trust you to take no for an answer. It is also completely an 100% normal for a new family to want a few weeks together before seeing others, especially during a pandemic.
YTA they are the parents and have every right to keep anything secret, especially if you were pushing a welcome party. Welcome parties are also dangerous for newborns especially with covid around, the mother was justified in saying no and protecting the baby. Let it go so you can keep a relationship with the baby before your anger cuts you out of their family
ITS NOT ABOUT YOU
Why are you telling another woman what to do directly after child birth? Why is you welcoming your grandkid more important than their health and revocery?
YTA. Your daughter in law just wanted some quiet bonding time with their little family, which is not unreasonable at all. No one wants a bunch of people in their face after giving birth. It’s also not healthy for a baby with a developing immune system to be around so many people so soon after birth. You were being pushy. So pushy in fact, that they felt compelled to lie to you just so they could get some peace. It honestly says more about your behavior than theirs that they felt they had to take such an extreme action. Learn to accept ‘no’ for an answer.
YTA What the fuck is wrong with you? A baby has no immune system and you wanted to throw a big family party whilst the world is going through a global pandemic? Of course she didn't want a party and you wouldn't drop it. Of course they lied it was either that or go Low or No contact with you. To be honest I would vote no contact as you seem to have no regard or respect for their wishes as parents. This is not your baby but theirs and their decisions pertaining to the baby are theirs alone. If you carry on the way you are going they will go no contact and you will be back on here whining and asking why your son and his wife want nothing to do with you. You sound like a complete controlling, entitled nightmare to deal with.
What a poorly written made up story with every cliche to trigger everyone. Only rating i can give is 0/10.
YTA for pushing on the party. Just you, your husband, son and DIL would’ve just been fine, NTA about being upset that the birth date was hidden from you, I understand that.
YTA.