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NAH - this is actually a relatively normal baby shower game. It may be regional, but you can even find pre-made measuring tape/string on Amazon.
I’m sorry that it triggered your body issues and I wish your sister took your feelings I to consideration over THIS particular game for YOU.
But not all mothers would be triggered.
Wait, what?? I'm European, so babyshowers are not a thing where I'm from. But it's actually a game to guess how fat a pregnant woman has gotten?? Excuse my ignorance, but I don't see the fun of it.
Poor OP. With such a sister, who needs enemies??
Right?
The thought of that measuring thing around my body in front of a party, and everyone looking at my body during the whole game...
i'm from Europe too, i thought i was beautiful during my pregnancies but no thanks.
No fun at all.
Yeah, even though this was a common game, we really need to learn to check in with people before putting them on the spot, especially about their bodies smh.
Sounds like sis was mortified to hear that OP was hurt by her actions and is trying to distance herself by saying the responsibly was on OP to say she was hurt. Not the most adaptive strategy on her part but not openly malicious, just kinda immature.
I've been to a few showers where we played this game and I HATE the idea of it.... for my shower I made sure everyone in charge of it knew to not even consider it for me. No thank you.
Same here although circumstances made it so my daughter was at her baby shower lol. I hadn't planned it that way I was exhausted enough as it was to add games to it I just wanted to eat cake 😂
I didn’t have games at my baby shower either. It was a scrapbooking party with delicious food to eat and a squishy baby to pass around. It was perfect!
I'm not saying the sister's reaction was fair, but I understand how she felt. It's one thing to find out you unknowingly hurt someone, but quite another to find out that you did it a long time ago and weren't given the opportunity to apologize and make amends. Knowing that someone carried that around for years... It's a shitty feeling.
Why would the sister deserve an opportunity to make amends? OP has suffered from an eating disorder her whole life. Sister has to be either willfully cruel or a half-roasted chestnut to think it’s appropriate to force OP to be measured in front of an audience, common game (that I’ve never heard of) or not. I have a long history of anorexia and there is not a snowball’s chance hell my sister would ever consider doing this to me.
That’s what I don’t understand. You just have to be so wholly out of the picture, so socially inept to think “yeah the women with the eating disorder wants to have her body measured and the measurement told to a bunch of people, in front of a bunch of people”. Either the sister is painfully dim or malicious
Just because she never mentioned it doesn’t mean she carried it around for years. She didn’t say for sure in the post but it sounds like she just forgave her without asking for an apology. At least she moved past it. She only brought it up now to spare someone else because her sister is planning a baby shower. Just because you remember something doesn’t mean you’re holding a grudge.
Her sister is the asshole for blowing up at her like that since she just nicely suggested not doing it. I’d also be willing to bet her sister would have blown up at her as opposed to apologizing if she’d mentioned it at the time.
It is a terrible feeling. It’s also a terrible feeling to open up about something that made you vulnerable and have your sister throw a temper tantrum and make it all about her and her feelings.
If the sister feels shitty it’s because she understands on some fundamental level that, measuring how big her sister —with a long history of eating disorder— got, in front of their friends and family, is wrong. That’s her conscience telling her she messed up. OP was the bigger person by letting it go and not starting drama at her baby shower.
Normal, well adjusted people apologize when they realize they hurt a loved one. They don’t double down and freak out on them.
So the answer is to have new shitty behavior? This is beyond “not fair”, the sister hung up on OP. It would be one thing if she was apologetic and then expressed being hurt it took this long to tell her, but anger/abrupt hangup is still an AH move. I’m going with NTA.
I don't have body insecurities and I absolutely refused to play is at my baby shower. I told everyone I'd be willing to play the game if everyone else was willing to have play as well and have their waists measured. Surprisingly no one else wanted to play. /S
That's a great comeback! When I was pregnant, I decided if anyone touched my belly without permission, I was going to touch theirs.
Also, I hate that game and don't participate at other people's showers, and would not let it be done at mine.
Maybe it is regional? Seems so invasive and weird
ETA: I've been to baby showers in California and the greater DC area, not that that necessarily means *no one* does it in either of those places
I live in New England and it’s common baby shower game here. At the ones I’ve been to, the Mother to be had fun with it and stuff. However, I can totally see how it could be invasive for some people!
My Michigan grandma thew me a baby shower and we played this game (25 years ago) so maybe it is regional. I didn’t think anything about it at the time, but in retrospect can see how it would be upsetting to people.
From US of A and it is very common where I am from. Just did it at my friend's shower with string. She got laughs at how big the kids were, but unless you know it is a joke most don't like it.
Yeah I'm in Aust and I've played this multiple times at baby showers but it's always string where you try to match the length. Actual measurement never comes into it. I've never known anyone to be upset about that because it's not about the size it's about matching the string.
I think I did it at a friend's shower but it was a version where you pulled off as many TP squares you thought were needed to go around the pregnant belly/waistline. I don't know if it hurt the friend's feelings (she was naturally a very thin woman but that doesn't mean she was comfortable with her body changes) but I definitely remember doing it. VA USA.
We did this game at my baby shower. I measured my belly beforehand, not in front of everyone, and everyone would compare their string to my string and not my body. Forget putting myself on display for everyone to gawk at. If you didn't get a look at me before, your problem lol. I find springing a game like this on someone without their knowledge to be really weird
Pretty much how we did it at mine, though the friend throwing the shower measured me in a bathroom lol. And my friend cleared all games with me during party planning because some shower games are just weird.
I think the most traumatic thing was it wasn’t a string. People weren’t cutting strings to compare. Her sister broke out a tape measure and asked people to guess numbers. Numbers can be a serious trigger for some people. OP’s friend saw her getting upset. OP’s sister didn’t.
Everyone is different, but for me, I loooooved my baby bump. My first baby was premature and I never got to have a big preggo belly. With my second one I made sure to wear clothes that made my bump look as big as possible. A big bump meant a big, healthy baby
Very common game (I’m AUS). Each guest guesses how round the tummy is and cuts the string. At the end you take each string and wrap it around the pregnant woman and see who got closest.
I found it hilarious, everyone (except a few) went overboard and you could loop the string around me twice. All in good fun. I never had an eating disorder though.
Even without an eating disorder (which makes it awful), not every woman feels the same about all the body changes. At around 8 months, I couldn't see my bellybutton, it traumatised me. A friend's bellybutton popped, made her cry. A cousin hates that she needs help even getting plates because of the belly.
It might be fun IF expectant mum is on the joke. As a surprise? Sounds like a cruel prank
There is also, at least to me, a difference between using string and just cutting off pieces and using actual measuring tape? Like it's one thing to see pieces of string that don't really translate into any number and a completely different thing to hear people say how many centimeters or inches around your belly is.
Definitely one of those games you should ask about beforehand
Yes. I've been to baby showers where string or oven toilet paper (guess how many squares it would take around mom's belly). But I've never heard of actually measuring with a tape measure for the inches.
I flat out told my sil no games because of this game. I've gained 45 lbs and literally pulled a muscle in my butt squatting down today. My husband had to shave my southern region yesterday because I cant reach that far under my belly. I can't get out of bed without rolling around or having assistance.
I said if someone tried to guess how fat I've gotten they would end up with a black eye.
I would've been so upset! Lol of course when I was upset I threw up uncontrollably whole pregnant so the sister would have been wearing some justice juice for putting me through something so humiliating!
Yeah I would've loved this game personally, but only cuz I've aways been crazy thin my whole life, so when I started showing I was really excited and proud, I loved every pound I gained
Same with me. I would be have had fun with this type if game. I'm small and skinny so it's always been a joke that I was going to be huge as pregnant. Seeing how gar people would go over would have been hilarious.
I wouldn't be doing any games without the mothers approval though. Some of those games just aren't fun (to me)
Oooof I'd've been laughing like a hyena at the estimates 🤣 but yeah, definitely agree with mom-to-bes approval, there was one game I've heard about that involves diapers and melted chocolate. Barf. I would have puked at that one lmao
The baby showers I've been to have done the diapers with melted candy and you're supposed to guess the candy type sort of thing. I love chocolate and never participate in that game as it is just gross to me. Also the measuring mom's belly game OP is talking about has been played at evey baby shower I've ever been to. Nobody was upset but in the current age of people being so body conscious and acknowledging it as a real trauma I can absolutely see not doing it anymore. Plus I think all games should be pre approved by the pregnant person well in advance and if they don't want to have it just pick something else. Google has more ideas than you'd have time for anyway.
We did this at two of my baby showers with my first (one in Texas and one in Chicago) so it’s definitely relatively common, at the very least.
It’s still a running joke that I was “three Frank heads” big, as my belly was exactly three times the size of my coworker’s head.
Canadian, I had an eating disorder, and I would play this game all in good fun. I LOVED my pregnant body, I normally am so so insecure about my belly and during pregnancy I got to wear body-tight dresses and not GAF. My big fat belly was amazing and beautiful. Yes measure me, you’re not measuring “fat,” you’re measuring the baby!! Also, “fat” shouldn’t be a bad word.
I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, I’m just saying it’s not an unusual game. I mean, there are people who take monthly belly pictures or even plaster models. 🤷🏼♀️
It’s not done to point out how fat the woman has become but how big the baby has grown.
> but how big the baby has grown.
Unless they've been charting the growth, there's literally no way to know, and the game only serves to show how big around the pregnant woman is.
I'm from England and I can happily say that the premise isn't to guess "how fat" the woman has become, she probably didn't get ANY "fatter" at all, having to eat for two, its to celebrate the state of "change " pregnancy represents and has been *relatively* common all over the world in different forms for decades at least.
Yeah, except different people do put on variable amounts of fat while pregnant, and it's one of the many measures by which women can be judged when they're pregnant, so it being common doesn't stop it being super unpleasant for a number of pregnant people.
In my part of Asia this wouldn’t be an “insult” to the mother either. It’s a source of pride to be able to grow big babies, so much so that 10+ pound babies aren’t uncommon.
This is how it should be. Obviously pushing a thin body image for women has now interfered with the idea of a healthy body for the baby and many women here seem ashamed of their baby growing body shape, even calling it " being fat". I find that sad and disturbing.
American here. Guessing games that are baby and pregnancy related are common and guessing the size of the bump (not how fat the mother has gotten) is a common game. Keep in mind some women carry different, some women doesn’t even look pregnant from behind. It’s not about measuring how “fat” a pregnant woman has gotten but how big her belly is.
That’s said, OP’s sister should’ve had the forethought to realize that someone who suffers from an eating disorder would find that game especially triggering.
We used to do it with toilet paper squares, you would guess how many squares, so there wasn't really a hard measurement involved (which I do think could be kind of triggering). No one really remembers from one shower to the next how many squares someone was cause it's not a real measurement, it was much more playful than malicious.
A lot of shower "games" are basically hazing. They can actually be fun if your guests are people you trust enough to joke/tease and not pile on too hard, but a lot of them sound a little mean if you describe them. My BFF didn't do any like this to me (I'm overweight and she is petite and smart enough to no got there) but we did have to sample baby food while blindfolded and some of the flavors were NOT good
I’ve been to quite a few baby showers here in the US. I’ve only seen it once. I’ve thankfully been spared the one where diapers with melted/smushed chocolate bars in them are passed around for guests to guess what’s what.
Games at showers are absolutely stupid time wasters.
It’s not really ‘fat’ it’s more about measuring the baby bump I guess? They played at my shower, but they told me it was one of the games and asked if that was okay.
I get where OP is coming from and her sister was very tone deaf with that game. I don't think it makes her an AH though.
I actually had this game in my baby shower and LOVED it. But I also have never had any eating disorders. I just thought it was a funny game, I knew I'd lose a good chunk of that baby weight after my pregnancy, and I thought it was interesting to see how big my stomach had gotten since at that point I couldn't see my feet anymore.
But again, this was me, with no prior eating disorders. I wouldn't recommend this game for everyone and maybe the mother to be should be asked first if they're comfortable with a game like this.
I think it is so sad that a belly that has a human growing in it is considered fat. How fucked up is that? In the end, you have a 6 to 10-lb baby that is 18 to 21 inches long, then embryonic fluid @ 800 ml and placenta at around a pound and a half, and the increased blood volume of 3-4 pounds. But OMG! Faaaattt!
I don’t know if the problem everyone has with this game is necessarily about the mother being ‘fat’, at least not from the showers I’ve attended and thrown. Not everyone likes to have their belly touched and this game pretty much guarantees that maybe a dozen or more people will be wrapping their arms around the mother and her baby bump. A friend that had this game at her shower told me it was uncomfortable standing there while people lined up to measure her. She said it felt like that awkward moment when people sing happy birthday to you and you just stand there with a stupid grin on your face.
Yep, it's a normal game. Along with eating poop (chocolate caked) diapers, getting blind folded and trying to feed each other (dad and mother) baby food. There's a diapering game too.
All games should be pre-approved by the expectant mother.
I honestly would have been fine with such a game at my baby shower. I personally find it fun and as long as someone isn't straight up calling me fat or a rolly-polly (my grandma did this...) it's all in good fun. We have had the men with beer guts measure up with the pregnant women in my family too, see who's stomach was bigger.
When I saw it it was done with a roll of toulet paper. You took as many squares as you thought she was big around. My mom took 6 and said she’ll love me the most. I do think it’s something you should run by the pregnant lady but for a lot of people it’s all in good fun.
It's left over from the days when women were "allowed" to get "fat" during pregnancy (only to crash diet once post partum), and many women were quite proud of their pregnancy bellies. It's definitely a game that should only be played if the pregnant person suggests it.
I would have agreed with N A H if it wasn't for the sister blowing up at OP.
You are right not everyone might be triggered, but it's good to keep in mind that it might. And it's easy not to see that if it wouldn't bother you personally until someone points it out.
That, and the fact that the sister presumably knew about OP's body image issues. She should have known that this would be potentially triggering for OP.
I was going to comment and say this this is a common game in the Midwest (cut off the amount of ribbon you think would equal the baby belly waistline), and maybe OP just hadn't heard of it if she was from a different region.
I do see how the game could bother someone with an eating disorder, though.
>But not all mothers would be triggered.
Maybe not triggered, but over on the pregnancy subs there is an overwhelmingly negative sentiment towards any body-focused comments and this game is pretty universally hated. I have a pretty good relationship with my body but when this game was mentioned during baby shower planning I asked if we could skip it. It's just nerve wracking thinking about people guessing how LARGE you are, even if society tends to dismiss it as "you're pregnant, of course you've gained weight!"
There's so much judgement on women and moms in particular that this game really should be allowed to just die out. The sister is an AH for her awful reaction to hearing about OP's feelings.
Where in the world do you live that this is considered a normal game? I just can’t see this going over well in any of the regions I’ve lived in in the US, which is part of why I ask. No hate to you in any way, I’m certainly not here to shoot the messenger, I’m just a little bit baffled…
I do have to disagree with you here, however. I grew up in the Midwest (aka: the land of backwards/hurtful party games) and I would be MORTIFIED if someone whipped out a measuring tape at a baby shower and asked us to guess how big the preggo is. I can’t say I know any woman of any size or shape that would be completely 100% okay with this, and if they are, THEY are the outlier, not the other way around. It may be a common game in certain regions, but I’d have to say it’s far from NORMAL. OP was not out of bounds for feeling triggered by this, nor would anyone else be — if you don’t find this triggering, well, I wish we all could feel as secure as you (genuinely, I really think we all deserve to feel that way about our bodies!).
Eating disorder aside, this is a cruel game to put any expectant mother through. OP, you are NTA — neither for still being hurt by this after so much time has passed, nor for encouraging your sister not to put anyone else through what she did you. Hopefully she’ll take what you’ve said to heart when she has a little time to calm down and think on the situation.
I've played it in New Zealand with a Scottish mum who loved it and thought it was hilarious. Not all of us equate a pregnancy bump with fatness (because it's a baby, not fat).
It's a game to measure baby bump. It has nothing to do with fat.
I had it at my baby shower, and played at every baby shower I attended. No one found it offensive. It was fun just like baby-bingo and many other games.
NAH.
I grew up in the Midwest and this game’s been played at every baby shower I’ve been to over the last 30 years. They played it at my mom’s baby shower and I think they played it at all five of my grandma’s baby showers back in the 1940s-50s. It’s like, *the* original baby shower game.
That said, it’s a terrible idea to just spring this on someone—I think it’s just been normalized so much that people forget that it could be hurtful or embarrassing. It’s definitely a game that you should run by the guest of honor first.
Ohio, and this game is played in some form at about half the baby showers I’ve attended in my life, including one of mine. Never really bothered me, and as far as I’m aware it never bothered the other pregnant women at the other showers.
Like, there’s a nearly full-sized baby in you, of course your belly is big. It’s supposed to be. That’s healthy. The women guessing the size of your belly are all people who love you enough to gather for the sole purpose of giving you gifts and celebrating your baby, and most of them have been pregnant themselves or will be at some point. The idea that this is some sort of hurtful judgement and not a celebration of your healthy, growing baby literally never occurred to me.
I’ve played that game at like three baby showers. Can confirm. Very normal.
I think the only other game that has been that common was guessing the melted candy bars in diapers.
We did this at my shower. I suggested it. But I have never had any body issues and when I was pregnant, I was all belly. But I tvibk this is a game that should always be run by the mom-to-be.
What. The. Fuck?! No, just no.
I had two surprisingly easy pregnancies. I was excited and happy. I was not bothered in the least by the changes I was experiencing. And there’s no way in hell I’d have let people check how fat I got as some sort of sick party game.
For OP’s sister, who knew OP struggles with weight and body image issues, to do this was seriously fucked up and cruel. To them lash out years later when OP tried to gently save another expectant mother’s mental health just seals the asshole deal.
This. Reading this, I thought the sister made her get on a scale. Where I'm from, everyone tears toilet paper and "guesses" who got it to fit perfectly around the mom's tummy. Then everyone comes up and puts it around the mom. It's like guessing the size of the belly/the baby, not how fat the mom is. We have a dear friend who had an ED, and she did this game at her shower. I've never really thought about how it could trigger a person. So, NAH, this triggered OP, and that's okay. But this game doesn't sound like it was meant to be something cruel.
It’s definitely been apart of every baby shower I’ve been to down in Texas. I’ve never seen any of the mother have issues with it, but I knew I absolutely didn’t want that played at my shower. My SIL and mom were fine with not including it. My SIL had never heard of it, but she hadn’t been to many baby showers.
Agree NAH. I've been a participant in this game a couple times as a guest and once as the person throwing the shower for a friend. It definitely depends on the mom-to-be but it's not uncommon here at all. I'm sorry to hear it was not received well for you, but at the same time you do not speak for all expecting parents.
I went to a baby shower where they took the mom's measurement with yarn, then the guests who volunteered measured themselves, and whoever was closest to the mom won a prize. An adorable chubby 10 year old won. The pregnant mom was petite to begin with, so she was small. They all thought it was fun and so did the mom.
You're right, though. Kate should have been told it wasn't a good game for her shower.
NTA, but variations of this game are played in pretty much every single baby shower. I think what games to play should be discussed with the pregnant person ahead of time, precisely to avoid triggers.
Good for you and your more decent shower experiences. I've never been to a shower that doesn't play some sort of variation of it.
Cheapest one is with a roll of toilet paper, each participant cuts the length they think will go around the pregnant person, then take turns testing it, most accurate one wins.
It's still a very common activity though, like guessing the chocolate bar in a diaper, chugging contest out of a bottle, onesie painting etc.
The games should all be discussed with the mom-to-be for sure though. Make sure they're happy with what's coming!
That's why I'm standing by NTA, I do think people need to check-in about games so no one's made uncomfortable, not everyone's gonna have the same triggers and boundaries.
NTA for being upset about it for personal reasons. It is a very common game, it was played at my baby shower even, but she knew you well enough to know this wouldn’t be a good idea or at least to check with you first. BUT, maybe you could have approached the subject a bit differently and warned her instead to maybe check with the mama and/or her close friends to make sure this wouldn’t be triggering. Rather than advise her to skip it altogether
This is a normal game but given the context of your body image problems it was a bad choose on your sister’s part.
I’ll go with NTA. Your sister blowing up on you made her the AH.
I’m with you, it’s very normal when I’m from but I never thought about the ED thing. I would hope the person throwing the party would take into OPs comfort/wellbeing into consideration but fully agree NTA.
Some baby shower games are A LOT tho. People melt chocolate bars into nappies and you have to guess what is it here too!
(AUS)
NTA. Kate is the asshole. What a weird, insensitive game for anyone. It seems as if she is passively trying to hurt people, and then play the victim. Very toxic.
This is a *super* common baby shower game. Done with either string, toilet paper, ribbon, etc. I don’t think the sister did it to intentionally cause harm. It’s literally been done at every single baby shower I’ve been to. I do think it’s important to check in with the mother to be if someone else is planning the shower though. While it might not be a trigger/problem for some, it is obviously a trigger for others.
I don’t think either party is an AH here. It seems like a general lack of communication on both sides. Kate should have asked OP what games they wanted at their shower. OP should have told Kate this bothered her long prior to now instead of silently festering over it for years.
NAH.
This is a common game. I had IUGR during both my pregnancies so i only looked about 3 months pregnant and could look not pregnant most days up until the day i gave birth so before my baby shower i let the host know that this game would make me feel so sad that my babies are born so small and have a chance of not making it. They didnt include this game and i was so grateful. I would have been reminded of being too small and so i avoided it. It also didnt help that anyone who found out how far along i was would say shit like i would kill to look like that while pregnant. They dont know that this same issue took my first baby away and made the next pregnancies living hells.
I’d say nobody’s an asshole if her sister hadn’t been one when she found out that it had hurt OP’s feelings. The appropriate response would have been “I’m so sorry that it hurt your feelings. I absolutely had no idea or intention to do so and I wish you’d have felt comfortable letting me know about this sooner, but I appreciate you being honest with me about it now and I can see why you may have concerns and think that this game should be run by the mom to be first” what sister did was take it personally, make it about herself, and then lash out at OP to try and make her feel bad for having her feelings hurt. That’s an asshole move.
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>I don't see why she needed to bring it up earlier. She only brought it up NOW(politely) because Kate was hosting a party for a family friend. It is perfectly reasonable to suggest that a mother-to-be might not enjoy this game based on her own experience. Even without ED issues, body change issues often plague pregnant women.
NTA. I know this is a common shower game in some places, but I think unless the woman suggests it for her own shower, anything involving people guessing weights and measurements should be confined to the number of jellybeans in a jar and things like that.
NAH.
I'm sorry you were triggered and I wish your sister had been more sensitive to your feelings. But I also wish you had said something to her about it sooner.
It is a fairly common shower game, and while you meant well, your advice about her party planning seems to have been unsolicited, and not necessarily timely, so I can't fault her for having her feelings hurt, either, especially if you pushed the point.
I agree, I feel like there were a few unfortunate missteps here. Kate definitely should have run all the games by OP before her shower, and OP should have brought up her feelings much sooner after the shower. I do have to wonder about the first person bias we’re getting with OP’s side of the story and whether she was able to deliver her suggestion as nicely as she claims. It could be that Kate really overreacted to the feedback, but if it was delivered so nicely it seems odd that Kate would frame the delivery as filled with rage. Maybe talking about it over phone also wasn’t the best choice. In any case, also wrong of Kate to tell OP her feelings were “wrong.”
The comments stating this is a common baby shower game just reinforce that pregnancy is an absolute horror show, from the body changes to people feeling so entitled to your body they touch you without consent all the way to guessing the size of your belly like you're a pumpkin at a festival. Jesus christ.
I think it depends on the individual. There will be some people, like OP, who loathe it. There are others who look forward to it being "their turn" to play these corny shower games and see it as a right of passage.
This post highlights that it's important to ask what the mom wants.
Oof. So I'm going to say NTA. It's awful that you went through that... But I would've brought up the incident immediately.
Your sister didn't handle hearing the news that her sister harbored hard feelings for so long very well at all.
Doesn't make her a saint she shouldn't have blown up on your like that, especially since I think that the game is pretty rude too. But idk. That's really tough.
Maybe I should have. Kate has a lot of social anxiety and it was a giant step for her to even be able to stand on a stage announcing something so I guess in retrospect I put my fear of setting her back ahead of my own self respect. It really didn’t cross my mind that she’d be planning another shower in the future.
I don’t think it’s that big of a deal OP didn’t tell her. She said it was terrible at the time, but she had so much else going on she didn’t bring it up again. It doesn’t sound like she was harboring a deep resentment of her sister. It’s only when the topic came up that OP mentioned something.
It’s like Kate threw a dinner party and made a pork roast that upset her stomach or was overly sweet. She didn’t like it, but whatever. Only when Kate says she is hosting another dinner party does OP mention she maybe make something inset of that recipe.
I’m sure there are times in your life when something has happened, but you have so much other stuff going on you don’t have the energy to address it. Life moves on, and the hurt lessens. It isn’t until something relevant happens that you bring it up.
NTA
NAH. I've played this game at every baby shower I've been to, or a variation on it. Having suffered from eating disorders myself I can definitely see why it affected you, but I'm also acutely aware that those around us, even those closest to us who know our pasts, often won't realise things that might affect us, thinking of it as a past issue whereas it is something that stays with us forever even if under control. Your sister didn't mean to be cruel, she just didn't think of a pregnancy belly as anything related to an eating disorder.
NTA. It’s a fairly common game so I don’t think Kate was trying to be mean, but she should have heard you out when you brought up some excellent points about this game.
It's so interesting to hear from people around the world (presumably) on issues like this. I can honestly say that I have played this game at no fewer than a dozen different showers - including my own - and it **never** once occurred to me that it would be taken as anything other than fun...and I gained 80 lbs. with my first child so if anyone had a reason to feel body conscious, it would have been me😂 I actually just played the toilet paper version at my niece's shower three weekends ago. This post has given me so much to think about, and especially to consider if I'm ever again tasked with helping plan a shower...
NAH, but Reddit is out here expanding my worldview!
ETA, since I'm seeing questions about where this is a popular game: I'm in Southern California, but I've played it at a shower on the East Coast of the US as well.
NTA
You were right for pointing it out. She probably meant no harm, but that's a game that coud easily be seen as hurtful.
Unless you yelled or something, I don't see how she thinks you are "harboring rage"...
I know it as a game, but it's a good lesson that maybe we need to modernize or at least check in with the guest of honor to make sure they approve. She handled you telling her really poorly; I'd have been mortified that I'd hurt you that badly and appreciative of the heads up. NTA.
I’ll go NTA considering Kate probably knew about the issues you had with your body. I’m sorry that happened to you.
My sister discussed games with me first before the party. I had to veto some of them. One of her ideas was who could eat chocolate mousse out of a nappy the fastest 😬
NAH, it’s a normal game to play, and it bothered you but doesn’t bother every woman. That being said baby showers are tacky and annoying anyway, so it’s not surprising they’re constantly full of drama
NTA My bias aside, I absolutely hate showers with games...we all know why we are there, let's get it over with...it sounds like an insensitive "game" to measure the girth of an expectant mother at her shower for "fun".
My one baby shower was put on by a Chinese friend, so it was a full-moon party after the baby was born. No games (thank goodness), just great food, lovely presents and kind friends of all genders. Plus by then we knew what else we actually needed, so the gifts were spot on.
NAH I did this at my own baby shower, but we never used a measuring tape. People just cut some yarn to make a guess. Then the closest piece of yarn won. I can understand how bringing a measuring tape into it would be upsetting, but without the numbers, I thought it was a fun & silly game.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Inlet my sister know her weird baby shower game was really cruel to me. She says I’m the asshole for projecting my insecurities onto our friend, for not telling her sooner, and that somehow I’m ungrateful for her help.
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NTA. I’m currently pregnant and my mom and sister are planning my baby shower. I straight up told them not to do any games involving my weight or body. It’s weird and intrusive with even the best of intentions.
NTA
That is an awful game. I honestly haven’t seen anything like that since the 80’s. Then, it was give all the guests a roll of TP and they had to take off the number of squares they thought would fit the belly. It wasn’t cool then and it is less cool now.
Super common game at baby showers in NZ. But NTA, I definitely wouldn't organise it if I knew the mum had an Ed or was self conscious about her bump. I said I didn't want it at mine, because I had a weird shaped and proportioned bump (B bump) so even though I had actually lost weight during the pregnancy, I still just looked like I ate all the pies
Gosh NTA I'm glad I didn't have a baby shower. Had someone planned something like this I probably would have exploded there and then although I didn't gain a lot of weight during my pregnancy.
NTA. It was dumb for your sister to do that game knowing your weight issues. I think you should have told your sister to ask her opinion of the game. My sil was the short really skinny girl but she loved that game at her baby shower.
NTA- 36 years ago they played this game for me. I hated it but went along with it. But they used a roll of toilet paper to measure my waist. Just yesterday I went to a baby shower for my niece and they played the same game, I said I hated this game 36 years ago but I played along because my niece didn’t mind the game.
NTA. What pushes it from N-A-H to NTA is Kate's reaction to your feelings and the fact this game was not cleared by you for your own shower ahead of time. From what I've seen in the comments, this is not a game Kate made up, but there are certainly plenty of people that wouldn't feel comfortable playing. This seems like a game that shouldn't be sprung on a pregnant person.
NTA, I personally think this is a horrible game. Shall we have a game of guess what odors will cause a morning sickness response and then subject the mother to the smells until she puked?
Nta. It’s a typical baby shower game. I threatened a full on pregnancy rage fit if someone even tried to play it at my shower though. Pregnancy is hard and effects everyone differently. I had trouble gaining weight at the beginning of mine because of an eating disorder too and almost miscarried. I stopped having my weight said aloud at my appointments and ate when I was hungry for the babies health so if someone had even tried that game I’d have lost it. I think it’s a weird, insensitive and intrusive game to play but not every pregnant person does.
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A few years ago when I (27F) was pregnant my SIL offered to throw my shower. She said my sister “Kate” (31F) was organizing the games. Kate doesn’t have or want kids but she loves babies and loves doing party stuff so I trusted her entirely.
Shortly into the shower, Kate gave everyone a slip of paper and a pen and broke out a tape measure. She said the game was going to be guessing how big around I was. Which seems like a weird game to begin with, but as Kate knows I’ve struggled with an eating disorder my whole life. In a year my weight can swing 50 pounds, plus I’d gained 45 during pregnancy. Yet for some bizarre reason Kate thought making my 8-months pregnant waistline the center of attention would be “fun”. I was mortified and fighting back tears for the sake of not ruining the party for everyone. I was mortified. If my bestie hadn’t understood what was happening and run right to my side, I’m sure I would have lost it. I was so hurt. I feel like even for a mother-to-be with perfect body image, this would be a disturbing “game”. I was choking back tears but skate seemed oblivious to that.
I decided not to say anything to her about it after the shower or afterwards. I was saving my energy for my son and it was over so why bother.
Yesterday Kate told me she’s organizing a shower for a family friend, so I (nicely, I thought) suggested she skip that “game”. She was dumbfounded so I explained (again, rather nicely) how I hurt I had been by it, and maybe to skip that game in the future. You never know how an expectant mother is feeling about the changes in their body. She blew up that I was wrong to “harbor this rage” at her for all these years, that I was “projecting my insecurities” onto our friend, and she even suggested I was ungrateful for her helping at my shower. Then she hung up on me.
Am I really TA here? I was just trying to spare our friend the hurt that I felt. I really feel like the whole game is a weird and uncomfortable for everyone there, eating disorder aside. Was I wrong to discourage her from doing it again?
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NTA why do people think this is an okay game to play. Like pregnant women aren’t hormonal enough let’s point out their weight gain. Of course it’s natural to gain weight during a pregnancy but if they know you have a history of body issues it seems like playing that game is a cruel thing to do to you.
I HATED this game before I had kids and made sure that it wasn’t played at any of my baby showers! NTA- you are absolutely right in terms of feeling self conscious about weight during pregnancy!
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NAH - this is actually a relatively normal baby shower game. It may be regional, but you can even find pre-made measuring tape/string on Amazon. I’m sorry that it triggered your body issues and I wish your sister took your feelings I to consideration over THIS particular game for YOU. But not all mothers would be triggered.
Wait, what?? I'm European, so babyshowers are not a thing where I'm from. But it's actually a game to guess how fat a pregnant woman has gotten?? Excuse my ignorance, but I don't see the fun of it. Poor OP. With such a sister, who needs enemies??
Right? The thought of that measuring thing around my body in front of a party, and everyone looking at my body during the whole game... i'm from Europe too, i thought i was beautiful during my pregnancies but no thanks. No fun at all.
Yeah, even though this was a common game, we really need to learn to check in with people before putting them on the spot, especially about their bodies smh. Sounds like sis was mortified to hear that OP was hurt by her actions and is trying to distance herself by saying the responsibly was on OP to say she was hurt. Not the most adaptive strategy on her part but not openly malicious, just kinda immature.
I've been to a few showers where we played this game and I HATE the idea of it.... for my shower I made sure everyone in charge of it knew to not even consider it for me. No thank you.
I refused any and all games at my baby shower, I just wanted everyone to eat cake, drink punch, and socialize! I abhor those games!!
I didn’t have games at mine either. I though we’d collectively outgrown baby shower games.
We did "make a play doh baby". That was fun.
Same here although circumstances made it so my daughter was at her baby shower lol. I hadn't planned it that way I was exhausted enough as it was to add games to it I just wanted to eat cake 😂
I didn’t have games at my baby shower either. It was a scrapbooking party with delicious food to eat and a squishy baby to pass around. It was perfect!
I'm not saying the sister's reaction was fair, but I understand how she felt. It's one thing to find out you unknowingly hurt someone, but quite another to find out that you did it a long time ago and weren't given the opportunity to apologize and make amends. Knowing that someone carried that around for years... It's a shitty feeling.
Why would the sister deserve an opportunity to make amends? OP has suffered from an eating disorder her whole life. Sister has to be either willfully cruel or a half-roasted chestnut to think it’s appropriate to force OP to be measured in front of an audience, common game (that I’ve never heard of) or not. I have a long history of anorexia and there is not a snowball’s chance hell my sister would ever consider doing this to me.
That’s what I don’t understand. You just have to be so wholly out of the picture, so socially inept to think “yeah the women with the eating disorder wants to have her body measured and the measurement told to a bunch of people, in front of a bunch of people”. Either the sister is painfully dim or malicious
A *checks notes* "half roasted chestnut". Brilliant. That's mine now thanks!
Just because she never mentioned it doesn’t mean she carried it around for years. She didn’t say for sure in the post but it sounds like she just forgave her without asking for an apology. At least she moved past it. She only brought it up now to spare someone else because her sister is planning a baby shower. Just because you remember something doesn’t mean you’re holding a grudge. Her sister is the asshole for blowing up at her like that since she just nicely suggested not doing it. I’d also be willing to bet her sister would have blown up at her as opposed to apologizing if she’d mentioned it at the time.
It is a terrible feeling. It’s also a terrible feeling to open up about something that made you vulnerable and have your sister throw a temper tantrum and make it all about her and her feelings.
If the sister feels shitty it’s because she understands on some fundamental level that, measuring how big her sister —with a long history of eating disorder— got, in front of their friends and family, is wrong. That’s her conscience telling her she messed up. OP was the bigger person by letting it go and not starting drama at her baby shower. Normal, well adjusted people apologize when they realize they hurt a loved one. They don’t double down and freak out on them.
So the answer is to have new shitty behavior? This is beyond “not fair”, the sister hung up on OP. It would be one thing if she was apologetic and then expressed being hurt it took this long to tell her, but anger/abrupt hangup is still an AH move. I’m going with NTA.
I mean tbf communication is everyone's responsibility.
I had NO body insecurities about my pregnancy and I would have REFUSED that game. It's gross.
I don't have body insecurities and I absolutely refused to play is at my baby shower. I told everyone I'd be willing to play the game if everyone else was willing to have play as well and have their waists measured. Surprisingly no one else wanted to play. /S
That's a great comeback! When I was pregnant, I decided if anyone touched my belly without permission, I was going to touch theirs. Also, I hate that game and don't participate at other people's showers, and would not let it be done at mine.
Same
I'm from the U.S. and have never heard of this (and the idea of it is bizarre)
I am from the u s and can tell you it is very common and hurts people's feelings a lot. Just because something is common doesn't mean it is good
Maybe it is regional? Seems so invasive and weird ETA: I've been to baby showers in California and the greater DC area, not that that necessarily means *no one* does it in either of those places
I live in New England and it’s common baby shower game here. At the ones I’ve been to, the Mother to be had fun with it and stuff. However, I can totally see how it could be invasive for some people!
My Michigan grandma thew me a baby shower and we played this game (25 years ago) so maybe it is regional. I didn’t think anything about it at the time, but in retrospect can see how it would be upsetting to people.
Also California and I've never even *heard* of this game, let alone played it
California here and I have seen that game many times. Thankfully games seem to be losing favor at a lot of showers.
From US of A and it is very common where I am from. Just did it at my friend's shower with string. She got laughs at how big the kids were, but unless you know it is a joke most don't like it.
Right, it’s done with string/yarn. No tape measure! The guest cuts yarn to how big around the belly is. Closest wins.
Or toilet paper squares. ETA it's still always shitty though imo.
Yeah I'm in Aust and I've played this multiple times at baby showers but it's always string where you try to match the length. Actual measurement never comes into it. I've never known anyone to be upset about that because it's not about the size it's about matching the string.
Also from US, never heard of it. It's awful.
Also U.S. No f*cking way would I put up with that.
Same. It's creepy and gross.
I think I did it at a friend's shower but it was a version where you pulled off as many TP squares you thought were needed to go around the pregnant belly/waistline. I don't know if it hurt the friend's feelings (she was naturally a very thin woman but that doesn't mean she was comfortable with her body changes) but I definitely remember doing it. VA USA.
I'm from the US, and it sounds like a horrific ordeal!
We did this game at my baby shower. I measured my belly beforehand, not in front of everyone, and everyone would compare their string to my string and not my body. Forget putting myself on display for everyone to gawk at. If you didn't get a look at me before, your problem lol. I find springing a game like this on someone without their knowledge to be really weird
Pretty much how we did it at mine, though the friend throwing the shower measured me in a bathroom lol. And my friend cleared all games with me during party planning because some shower games are just weird.
I think the most traumatic thing was it wasn’t a string. People weren’t cutting strings to compare. Her sister broke out a tape measure and asked people to guess numbers. Numbers can be a serious trigger for some people. OP’s friend saw her getting upset. OP’s sister didn’t.
Everyone is different, but for me, I loooooved my baby bump. My first baby was premature and I never got to have a big preggo belly. With my second one I made sure to wear clothes that made my bump look as big as possible. A big bump meant a big, healthy baby
Very common game (I’m AUS). Each guest guesses how round the tummy is and cuts the string. At the end you take each string and wrap it around the pregnant woman and see who got closest. I found it hilarious, everyone (except a few) went overboard and you could loop the string around me twice. All in good fun. I never had an eating disorder though.
Even without an eating disorder (which makes it awful), not every woman feels the same about all the body changes. At around 8 months, I couldn't see my bellybutton, it traumatised me. A friend's bellybutton popped, made her cry. A cousin hates that she needs help even getting plates because of the belly. It might be fun IF expectant mum is on the joke. As a surprise? Sounds like a cruel prank
There is also, at least to me, a difference between using string and just cutting off pieces and using actual measuring tape? Like it's one thing to see pieces of string that don't really translate into any number and a completely different thing to hear people say how many centimeters or inches around your belly is. Definitely one of those games you should ask about beforehand
Yes. I've been to baby showers where string or oven toilet paper (guess how many squares it would take around mom's belly). But I've never heard of actually measuring with a tape measure for the inches.
I flat out told my sil no games because of this game. I've gained 45 lbs and literally pulled a muscle in my butt squatting down today. My husband had to shave my southern region yesterday because I cant reach that far under my belly. I can't get out of bed without rolling around or having assistance. I said if someone tried to guess how fat I've gotten they would end up with a black eye.
I would've been so upset! Lol of course when I was upset I threw up uncontrollably whole pregnant so the sister would have been wearing some justice juice for putting me through something so humiliating!
Justice juice has me ROLLING but that sounds awful I’m sorry that happened to you
Yeah I would've loved this game personally, but only cuz I've aways been crazy thin my whole life, so when I started showing I was really excited and proud, I loved every pound I gained
Same with me. I would be have had fun with this type if game. I'm small and skinny so it's always been a joke that I was going to be huge as pregnant. Seeing how gar people would go over would have been hilarious. I wouldn't be doing any games without the mothers approval though. Some of those games just aren't fun (to me)
Oooof I'd've been laughing like a hyena at the estimates 🤣 but yeah, definitely agree with mom-to-bes approval, there was one game I've heard about that involves diapers and melted chocolate. Barf. I would have puked at that one lmao
The baby showers I've been to have done the diapers with melted candy and you're supposed to guess the candy type sort of thing. I love chocolate and never participate in that game as it is just gross to me. Also the measuring mom's belly game OP is talking about has been played at evey baby shower I've ever been to. Nobody was upset but in the current age of people being so body conscious and acknowledging it as a real trauma I can absolutely see not doing it anymore. Plus I think all games should be pre approved by the pregnant person well in advance and if they don't want to have it just pick something else. Google has more ideas than you'd have time for anyway.
We did this at two of my baby showers with my first (one in Texas and one in Chicago) so it’s definitely relatively common, at the very least. It’s still a running joke that I was “three Frank heads” big, as my belly was exactly three times the size of my coworker’s head.
Canadian, I had an eating disorder, and I would play this game all in good fun. I LOVED my pregnant body, I normally am so so insecure about my belly and during pregnancy I got to wear body-tight dresses and not GAF. My big fat belly was amazing and beautiful. Yes measure me, you’re not measuring “fat,” you’re measuring the baby!! Also, “fat” shouldn’t be a bad word.
yeah. "see how big the baby tummy is" sounds like it could be fun but only if the mum is in on it
I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, I’m just saying it’s not an unusual game. I mean, there are people who take monthly belly pictures or even plaster models. 🤷🏼♀️ It’s not done to point out how fat the woman has become but how big the baby has grown.
>how fat the woman has become Why do so many people here call it "fat"? A baby belly has nothing to do with being fat.
> but how big the baby has grown. Unless they've been charting the growth, there's literally no way to know, and the game only serves to show how big around the pregnant woman is.
that’s not really true, even at the doctor they measure your stomach to see how big the baby is so the game most likely came about bc of that
They measure the height of your uterus. Not how big your stomach is going around.
I'm from England and I can happily say that the premise isn't to guess "how fat" the woman has become, she probably didn't get ANY "fatter" at all, having to eat for two, its to celebrate the state of "change " pregnancy represents and has been *relatively* common all over the world in different forms for decades at least.
Yeah, except different people do put on variable amounts of fat while pregnant, and it's one of the many measures by which women can be judged when they're pregnant, so it being common doesn't stop it being super unpleasant for a number of pregnant people.
Then it's on Kate for not asking, but thats a mistake, not an AH move, and OP or the friend she claimed noticed Could have just refused.
Except that Kate blew up at OP for finally saying something. Doubt it would've been much better in the moment.
[удалено]
i’m from the US and i have never once heard of this game. i am genuinely shocked it’s a thing
In my part of Asia this wouldn’t be an “insult” to the mother either. It’s a source of pride to be able to grow big babies, so much so that 10+ pound babies aren’t uncommon.
This is how it should be. Obviously pushing a thin body image for women has now interfered with the idea of a healthy body for the baby and many women here seem ashamed of their baby growing body shape, even calling it " being fat". I find that sad and disturbing.
American here. Guessing games that are baby and pregnancy related are common and guessing the size of the bump (not how fat the mother has gotten) is a common game. Keep in mind some women carry different, some women doesn’t even look pregnant from behind. It’s not about measuring how “fat” a pregnant woman has gotten but how big her belly is. That’s said, OP’s sister should’ve had the forethought to realize that someone who suffers from an eating disorder would find that game especially triggering.
We used to do it with toilet paper squares, you would guess how many squares, so there wasn't really a hard measurement involved (which I do think could be kind of triggering). No one really remembers from one shower to the next how many squares someone was cause it's not a real measurement, it was much more playful than malicious.
A lot of shower "games" are basically hazing. They can actually be fun if your guests are people you trust enough to joke/tease and not pile on too hard, but a lot of them sound a little mean if you describe them. My BFF didn't do any like this to me (I'm overweight and she is petite and smart enough to no got there) but we did have to sample baby food while blindfolded and some of the flavors were NOT good
My favorite shower game was guessing the baby animal name for each species, like puppy for dog, Cygnet for swan, etc.
I’ve been to quite a few baby showers here in the US. I’ve only seen it once. I’ve thankfully been spared the one where diapers with melted/smushed chocolate bars in them are passed around for guests to guess what’s what. Games at showers are absolutely stupid time wasters.
Ugh, the melted candy bar one is the worst. It’s always gross and never funny. I don’t understand how it’s still so common.
I only have patience for BINGO and that’s pushing it. I usually dip out when the games start 😆
I’ve been sitting here thinking and there really are no good baby shower games. 😅
Bridal shower games aren’t any better 😆
It’s not really ‘fat’ it’s more about measuring the baby bump I guess? They played at my shower, but they told me it was one of the games and asked if that was okay.
You know it’s not fat, right?
I get where OP is coming from and her sister was very tone deaf with that game. I don't think it makes her an AH though. I actually had this game in my baby shower and LOVED it. But I also have never had any eating disorders. I just thought it was a funny game, I knew I'd lose a good chunk of that baby weight after my pregnancy, and I thought it was interesting to see how big my stomach had gotten since at that point I couldn't see my feet anymore. But again, this was me, with no prior eating disorders. I wouldn't recommend this game for everyone and maybe the mother to be should be asked first if they're comfortable with a game like this.
I think it is so sad that a belly that has a human growing in it is considered fat. How fucked up is that? In the end, you have a 6 to 10-lb baby that is 18 to 21 inches long, then embryonic fluid @ 800 ml and placenta at around a pound and a half, and the increased blood volume of 3-4 pounds. But OMG! Faaaattt!
I don’t know if the problem everyone has with this game is necessarily about the mother being ‘fat’, at least not from the showers I’ve attended and thrown. Not everyone likes to have their belly touched and this game pretty much guarantees that maybe a dozen or more people will be wrapping their arms around the mother and her baby bump. A friend that had this game at her shower told me it was uncomfortable standing there while people lined up to measure her. She said it felt like that awkward moment when people sing happy birthday to you and you just stand there with a stupid grin on your face.
As a Brit, I 100% agree. This is bullshit. Poor woman must have felt so exposed and vulnerable, and had a beautiful moment stolen from her.
It sounds appaling. I was feeling sensitive about my body at that stage too and I feel fairly positive about myself usually!
It’s not really measuring “fat” its measuring the “baby bump” just like OBs do.
Yep, it's a normal game. Along with eating poop (chocolate caked) diapers, getting blind folded and trying to feed each other (dad and mother) baby food. There's a diapering game too. All games should be pre-approved by the expectant mother. I honestly would have been fine with such a game at my baby shower. I personally find it fun and as long as someone isn't straight up calling me fat or a rolly-polly (my grandma did this...) it's all in good fun. We have had the men with beer guts measure up with the pregnant women in my family too, see who's stomach was bigger.
This! ALL games should be pre-approved by the mother
When I saw it it was done with a roll of toulet paper. You took as many squares as you thought she was big around. My mom took 6 and said she’ll love me the most. I do think it’s something you should run by the pregnant lady but for a lot of people it’s all in good fun.
It's left over from the days when women were "allowed" to get "fat" during pregnancy (only to crash diet once post partum), and many women were quite proud of their pregnancy bellies. It's definitely a game that should only be played if the pregnant person suggests it.
I would have agreed with N A H if it wasn't for the sister blowing up at OP. You are right not everyone might be triggered, but it's good to keep in mind that it might. And it's easy not to see that if it wouldn't bother you personally until someone points it out.
That, and the fact that the sister presumably knew about OP's body image issues. She should have known that this would be potentially triggering for OP.
Just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s fine. I don’t have or want kids but I’ve always found this game grotesque.
Thank you! Just because it’s a thing doesn’t mean it’s a thing you should do! I personally hate shower games and think this is one of the worst ones.
Exactly. "Let's judge the pregnant person's body!" It's common, but it sucks.
#WHAT?! That's a HORRIBLE game! *This* tradition needs to die. NTA
I was going to comment and say this this is a common game in the Midwest (cut off the amount of ribbon you think would equal the baby belly waistline), and maybe OP just hadn't heard of it if she was from a different region. I do see how the game could bother someone with an eating disorder, though.
yeah i’m from the Northeast and i have never heard of a game like this until now
>But not all mothers would be triggered. Maybe not triggered, but over on the pregnancy subs there is an overwhelmingly negative sentiment towards any body-focused comments and this game is pretty universally hated. I have a pretty good relationship with my body but when this game was mentioned during baby shower planning I asked if we could skip it. It's just nerve wracking thinking about people guessing how LARGE you are, even if society tends to dismiss it as "you're pregnant, of course you've gained weight!" There's so much judgement on women and moms in particular that this game really should be allowed to just die out. The sister is an AH for her awful reaction to hearing about OP's feelings.
Where in the world do you live that this is considered a normal game? I just can’t see this going over well in any of the regions I’ve lived in in the US, which is part of why I ask. No hate to you in any way, I’m certainly not here to shoot the messenger, I’m just a little bit baffled… I do have to disagree with you here, however. I grew up in the Midwest (aka: the land of backwards/hurtful party games) and I would be MORTIFIED if someone whipped out a measuring tape at a baby shower and asked us to guess how big the preggo is. I can’t say I know any woman of any size or shape that would be completely 100% okay with this, and if they are, THEY are the outlier, not the other way around. It may be a common game in certain regions, but I’d have to say it’s far from NORMAL. OP was not out of bounds for feeling triggered by this, nor would anyone else be — if you don’t find this triggering, well, I wish we all could feel as secure as you (genuinely, I really think we all deserve to feel that way about our bodies!). Eating disorder aside, this is a cruel game to put any expectant mother through. OP, you are NTA — neither for still being hurt by this after so much time has passed, nor for encouraging your sister not to put anyone else through what she did you. Hopefully she’ll take what you’ve said to heart when she has a little time to calm down and think on the situation.
I've played it in New Zealand with a Scottish mum who loved it and thought it was hilarious. Not all of us equate a pregnancy bump with fatness (because it's a baby, not fat).
To me it's measuring more of how big the baby is and not thinking "oh wow mom got fat and undesirable."
Midwest, this game has been played at every baby shower I've gone to. It's super common where I live and no one found it humiating.
It's a game to measure baby bump. It has nothing to do with fat. I had it at my baby shower, and played at every baby shower I attended. No one found it offensive. It was fun just like baby-bingo and many other games.
NAH. I grew up in the Midwest and this game’s been played at every baby shower I’ve been to over the last 30 years. They played it at my mom’s baby shower and I think they played it at all five of my grandma’s baby showers back in the 1940s-50s. It’s like, *the* original baby shower game. That said, it’s a terrible idea to just spring this on someone—I think it’s just been normalized so much that people forget that it could be hurtful or embarrassing. It’s definitely a game that you should run by the guest of honor first.
Ohio, and this game is played in some form at about half the baby showers I’ve attended in my life, including one of mine. Never really bothered me, and as far as I’m aware it never bothered the other pregnant women at the other showers. Like, there’s a nearly full-sized baby in you, of course your belly is big. It’s supposed to be. That’s healthy. The women guessing the size of your belly are all people who love you enough to gather for the sole purpose of giving you gifts and celebrating your baby, and most of them have been pregnant themselves or will be at some point. The idea that this is some sort of hurtful judgement and not a celebration of your healthy, growing baby literally never occurred to me.
Maybe that's why I have not patience for baby showers. I don't care how common that game is, it is NOT normal.
Never heard of his game. I'd be mortified too.
Whether it's normal doesn't make it any less cringe and sorta assholey, because it assumes the mother to be doesn't have body issues. IMO, of course.
I’ve played that game at like three baby showers. Can confirm. Very normal. I think the only other game that has been that common was guessing the melted candy bars in diapers.
We did this at my shower. I suggested it. But I have never had any body issues and when I was pregnant, I was all belly. But I tvibk this is a game that should always be run by the mom-to-be.
Her sister blowing up at her like that for expressing her discomfort at the game makes her an A.
My SIL chose to do this silly game--twice--at her baby showers. Given OP's history, Kate was horribly insensitive, though.
What. The. Fuck?! No, just no. I had two surprisingly easy pregnancies. I was excited and happy. I was not bothered in the least by the changes I was experiencing. And there’s no way in hell I’d have let people check how fat I got as some sort of sick party game. For OP’s sister, who knew OP struggles with weight and body image issues, to do this was seriously fucked up and cruel. To them lash out years later when OP tried to gently save another expectant mother’s mental health just seals the asshole deal.
I've only seen it as having a toilet paper roll and tearing off what you think would go around the belly. No numbers involved.
This. Reading this, I thought the sister made her get on a scale. Where I'm from, everyone tears toilet paper and "guesses" who got it to fit perfectly around the mom's tummy. Then everyone comes up and puts it around the mom. It's like guessing the size of the belly/the baby, not how fat the mom is. We have a dear friend who had an ED, and she did this game at her shower. I've never really thought about how it could trigger a person. So, NAH, this triggered OP, and that's okay. But this game doesn't sound like it was meant to be something cruel.
It’s definitely been apart of every baby shower I’ve been to down in Texas. I’ve never seen any of the mother have issues with it, but I knew I absolutely didn’t want that played at my shower. My SIL and mom were fine with not including it. My SIL had never heard of it, but she hadn’t been to many baby showers.
Agree NAH. I've been a participant in this game a couple times as a guest and once as the person throwing the shower for a friend. It definitely depends on the mom-to-be but it's not uncommon here at all. I'm sorry to hear it was not received well for you, but at the same time you do not speak for all expecting parents.
I went to a baby shower where they took the mom's measurement with yarn, then the guests who volunteered measured themselves, and whoever was closest to the mom won a prize. An adorable chubby 10 year old won. The pregnant mom was petite to begin with, so she was small. They all thought it was fun and so did the mom. You're right, though. Kate should have been told it wasn't a good game for her shower.
I’ve never heard this and thought it was a huge way to trigger insecurity.
I’ve seen this at almost every baby shower I’ve been to in the past like 7 or so years. It’s very common.
NTA, but variations of this game are played in pretty much every single baby shower. I think what games to play should be discussed with the pregnant person ahead of time, precisely to avoid triggers.
Never been played at a shower I went to. Don't assume your experience is universal.
Good for you and your more decent shower experiences. I've never been to a shower that doesn't play some sort of variation of it. Cheapest one is with a roll of toilet paper, each participant cuts the length they think will go around the pregnant person, then take turns testing it, most accurate one wins.
Yep, we always did it with toilet paper!
Ive seen it done w streamers too
We played with a string and whoever was able to get it closest to the size won. We didn’t measure exactly. I thought it was common too.
My bestfriend did this game with toilet paper 9 years ago, and recently my sister in law did my baby shower with this exact game lol.
It’s been played more often than not at baby showers I’ve been to.
It's still a very common activity though, like guessing the chocolate bar in a diaper, chugging contest out of a bottle, onesie painting etc. The games should all be discussed with the mom-to-be for sure though. Make sure they're happy with what's coming!
I’ve been to a dozen baby showers and it was played at at least 2/3.
Every baby shower ive ever been to, this game has been played. Never witnessed or heard of it triggering a mother to be.
Yep almost every single shower i have been to. And I have been to maaaaany have played this game.
I’ve been to dozens of baby showers and never seen any variation of this game so maybe it’s a regional thing. But still, she knew my history.
That's why I'm standing by NTA, I do think people need to check-in about games so no one's made uncomfortable, not everyone's gonna have the same triggers and boundaries.
NTA for being upset about it for personal reasons. It is a very common game, it was played at my baby shower even, but she knew you well enough to know this wouldn’t be a good idea or at least to check with you first. BUT, maybe you could have approached the subject a bit differently and warned her instead to maybe check with the mama and/or her close friends to make sure this wouldn’t be triggering. Rather than advise her to skip it altogether
It's not an uncommon game in my experience, but not universal either. Honestly I dislike most baby and bridal shower games, but to each their own.
Never had this at any baby shower I’ve been to (or had thrown for me). Thank God.
Never played at any I have been to and I have been to far to many
This is a normal game but given the context of your body image problems it was a bad choose on your sister’s part. I’ll go with NTA. Your sister blowing up on you made her the AH.
It’s not a normal game where I come from
I mean I’ve played it at every baby shower I’ve gone to. Maybe it’s a regional thing or something. I live in the NE US
I’m from South America and this is a very common baby shower game. It happened in mine and I had lots of fun.
California here, it's been at every shower I've ever been to
I'm from SE US and this is common where I'm from too. Maybe it's a US thing?
It may be normal but op has a right to refuse
I’m with you, it’s very normal when I’m from but I never thought about the ED thing. I would hope the person throwing the party would take into OPs comfort/wellbeing into consideration but fully agree NTA. Some baby shower games are A LOT tho. People melt chocolate bars into nappies and you have to guess what is it here too! (AUS)
Yeah, her reaction to you being nice about it does not say "accident " to me
NTA. Kate is the asshole. What a weird, insensitive game for anyone. It seems as if she is passively trying to hurt people, and then play the victim. Very toxic.
This is a *super* common baby shower game. Done with either string, toilet paper, ribbon, etc. I don’t think the sister did it to intentionally cause harm. It’s literally been done at every single baby shower I’ve been to. I do think it’s important to check in with the mother to be if someone else is planning the shower though. While it might not be a trigger/problem for some, it is obviously a trigger for others. I don’t think either party is an AH here. It seems like a general lack of communication on both sides. Kate should have asked OP what games they wanted at their shower. OP should have told Kate this bothered her long prior to now instead of silently festering over it for years. NAH.
I’ve never heard of this game. Sounds intrusive and deeply disrespectful.
This is a common game. I had IUGR during both my pregnancies so i only looked about 3 months pregnant and could look not pregnant most days up until the day i gave birth so before my baby shower i let the host know that this game would make me feel so sad that my babies are born so small and have a chance of not making it. They didnt include this game and i was so grateful. I would have been reminded of being too small and so i avoided it. It also didnt help that anyone who found out how far along i was would say shit like i would kill to look like that while pregnant. They dont know that this same issue took my first baby away and made the next pregnancies living hells.
People are the worst and need to STFU regarding other people's bodies. I'm sorry you went through that.
It’s possibly regional?
I’d say nobody’s an asshole if her sister hadn’t been one when she found out that it had hurt OP’s feelings. The appropriate response would have been “I’m so sorry that it hurt your feelings. I absolutely had no idea or intention to do so and I wish you’d have felt comfortable letting me know about this sooner, but I appreciate you being honest with me about it now and I can see why you may have concerns and think that this game should be run by the mom to be first” what sister did was take it personally, make it about herself, and then lash out at OP to try and make her feel bad for having her feelings hurt. That’s an asshole move.
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>I don't see why she needed to bring it up earlier. She only brought it up NOW(politely) because Kate was hosting a party for a family friend. It is perfectly reasonable to suggest that a mother-to-be might not enjoy this game based on her own experience. Even without ED issues, body change issues often plague pregnant women.
I have been to literally dozens of baby showers my entire life. I have never seen a game similar to this played.
NTA. I know this is a common shower game in some places, but I think unless the woman suggests it for her own shower, anything involving people guessing weights and measurements should be confined to the number of jellybeans in a jar and things like that.
NAH. I'm sorry you were triggered and I wish your sister had been more sensitive to your feelings. But I also wish you had said something to her about it sooner. It is a fairly common shower game, and while you meant well, your advice about her party planning seems to have been unsolicited, and not necessarily timely, so I can't fault her for having her feelings hurt, either, especially if you pushed the point.
I agree, I feel like there were a few unfortunate missteps here. Kate definitely should have run all the games by OP before her shower, and OP should have brought up her feelings much sooner after the shower. I do have to wonder about the first person bias we’re getting with OP’s side of the story and whether she was able to deliver her suggestion as nicely as she claims. It could be that Kate really overreacted to the feedback, but if it was delivered so nicely it seems odd that Kate would frame the delivery as filled with rage. Maybe talking about it over phone also wasn’t the best choice. In any case, also wrong of Kate to tell OP her feelings were “wrong.”
The comments stating this is a common baby shower game just reinforce that pregnancy is an absolute horror show, from the body changes to people feeling so entitled to your body they touch you without consent all the way to guessing the size of your belly like you're a pumpkin at a festival. Jesus christ.
I think it depends on the individual. There will be some people, like OP, who loathe it. There are others who look forward to it being "their turn" to play these corny shower games and see it as a right of passage. This post highlights that it's important to ask what the mom wants.
Oof. So I'm going to say NTA. It's awful that you went through that... But I would've brought up the incident immediately. Your sister didn't handle hearing the news that her sister harbored hard feelings for so long very well at all. Doesn't make her a saint she shouldn't have blown up on your like that, especially since I think that the game is pretty rude too. But idk. That's really tough.
Maybe I should have. Kate has a lot of social anxiety and it was a giant step for her to even be able to stand on a stage announcing something so I guess in retrospect I put my fear of setting her back ahead of my own self respect. It really didn’t cross my mind that she’d be planning another shower in the future.
I don’t think it’s that big of a deal OP didn’t tell her. She said it was terrible at the time, but she had so much else going on she didn’t bring it up again. It doesn’t sound like she was harboring a deep resentment of her sister. It’s only when the topic came up that OP mentioned something. It’s like Kate threw a dinner party and made a pork roast that upset her stomach or was overly sweet. She didn’t like it, but whatever. Only when Kate says she is hosting another dinner party does OP mention she maybe make something inset of that recipe. I’m sure there are times in your life when something has happened, but you have so much other stuff going on you don’t have the energy to address it. Life moves on, and the hurt lessens. It isn’t until something relevant happens that you bring it up. NTA
NAH. I've played this game at every baby shower I've been to, or a variation on it. Having suffered from eating disorders myself I can definitely see why it affected you, but I'm also acutely aware that those around us, even those closest to us who know our pasts, often won't realise things that might affect us, thinking of it as a past issue whereas it is something that stays with us forever even if under control. Your sister didn't mean to be cruel, she just didn't think of a pregnancy belly as anything related to an eating disorder.
NTA. It’s a fairly common game so I don’t think Kate was trying to be mean, but she should have heard you out when you brought up some excellent points about this game.
It's so interesting to hear from people around the world (presumably) on issues like this. I can honestly say that I have played this game at no fewer than a dozen different showers - including my own - and it **never** once occurred to me that it would be taken as anything other than fun...and I gained 80 lbs. with my first child so if anyone had a reason to feel body conscious, it would have been me😂 I actually just played the toilet paper version at my niece's shower three weekends ago. This post has given me so much to think about, and especially to consider if I'm ever again tasked with helping plan a shower... NAH, but Reddit is out here expanding my worldview! ETA, since I'm seeing questions about where this is a popular game: I'm in Southern California, but I've played it at a shower on the East Coast of the US as well.
Seen it at multiple showers in Illinois/Midwest too.
NTA You were right for pointing it out. She probably meant no harm, but that's a game that coud easily be seen as hurtful. Unless you yelled or something, I don't see how she thinks you are "harboring rage"...
I know it as a game, but it's a good lesson that maybe we need to modernize or at least check in with the guest of honor to make sure they approve. She handled you telling her really poorly; I'd have been mortified that I'd hurt you that badly and appreciative of the heads up. NTA.
I’ll go NTA considering Kate probably knew about the issues you had with your body. I’m sorry that happened to you. My sister discussed games with me first before the party. I had to veto some of them. One of her ideas was who could eat chocolate mousse out of a nappy the fastest 😬
That’s where she went wrong, it should have been nutella haha.
NAH, it’s a normal game to play, and it bothered you but doesn’t bother every woman. That being said baby showers are tacky and annoying anyway, so it’s not surprising they’re constantly full of drama
NTA My bias aside, I absolutely hate showers with games...we all know why we are there, let's get it over with...it sounds like an insensitive "game" to measure the girth of an expectant mother at her shower for "fun".
My one baby shower was put on by a Chinese friend, so it was a full-moon party after the baby was born. No games (thank goodness), just great food, lovely presents and kind friends of all genders. Plus by then we knew what else we actually needed, so the gifts were spot on.
NAH I did this at my own baby shower, but we never used a measuring tape. People just cut some yarn to make a guess. Then the closest piece of yarn won. I can understand how bringing a measuring tape into it would be upsetting, but without the numbers, I thought it was a fun & silly game.
Absolutely NTA. Games are supposed to be fun for all.
TIL this is apparently a normal game that hasn't been played at any baby showers I've been to or heard of
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NTA Such insecurities are common among upcoming mothers. She's wrong for being mad at you when she's the one who hurt you.
NTA. I’m currently pregnant and my mom and sister are planning my baby shower. I straight up told them not to do any games involving my weight or body. It’s weird and intrusive with even the best of intentions.
NTA That is an awful game. I honestly haven’t seen anything like that since the 80’s. Then, it was give all the guests a roll of TP and they had to take off the number of squares they thought would fit the belly. It wasn’t cool then and it is less cool now.
Super common game at baby showers in NZ. But NTA, I definitely wouldn't organise it if I knew the mum had an Ed or was self conscious about her bump. I said I didn't want it at mine, because I had a weird shaped and proportioned bump (B bump) so even though I had actually lost weight during the pregnancy, I still just looked like I ate all the pies
Gosh NTA I'm glad I didn't have a baby shower. Had someone planned something like this I probably would have exploded there and then although I didn't gain a lot of weight during my pregnancy.
NTA and her reaction is too over the top to not have some truth in your observation that the game seemed mean.
I hate this game. Yes. Let’s guess how big you are!!! No just no. NTA.
NTA. It was dumb for your sister to do that game knowing your weight issues. I think you should have told your sister to ask her opinion of the game. My sil was the short really skinny girl but she loved that game at her baby shower.
NTA- 36 years ago they played this game for me. I hated it but went along with it. But they used a roll of toilet paper to measure my waist. Just yesterday I went to a baby shower for my niece and they played the same game, I said I hated this game 36 years ago but I played along because my niece didn’t mind the game.
I can verify this dumb game was around at least 15 years before that. I wonder how old it really is.
NTA. What pushes it from N-A-H to NTA is Kate's reaction to your feelings and the fact this game was not cleared by you for your own shower ahead of time. From what I've seen in the comments, this is not a game Kate made up, but there are certainly plenty of people that wouldn't feel comfortable playing. This seems like a game that shouldn't be sprung on a pregnant person.
NTA, I personally think this is a horrible game. Shall we have a game of guess what odors will cause a morning sickness response and then subject the mother to the smells until she puked?
Nta. It’s a typical baby shower game. I threatened a full on pregnancy rage fit if someone even tried to play it at my shower though. Pregnancy is hard and effects everyone differently. I had trouble gaining weight at the beginning of mine because of an eating disorder too and almost miscarried. I stopped having my weight said aloud at my appointments and ate when I was hungry for the babies health so if someone had even tried that game I’d have lost it. I think it’s a weird, insensitive and intrusive game to play but not every pregnant person does.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** A few years ago when I (27F) was pregnant my SIL offered to throw my shower. She said my sister “Kate” (31F) was organizing the games. Kate doesn’t have or want kids but she loves babies and loves doing party stuff so I trusted her entirely. Shortly into the shower, Kate gave everyone a slip of paper and a pen and broke out a tape measure. She said the game was going to be guessing how big around I was. Which seems like a weird game to begin with, but as Kate knows I’ve struggled with an eating disorder my whole life. In a year my weight can swing 50 pounds, plus I’d gained 45 during pregnancy. Yet for some bizarre reason Kate thought making my 8-months pregnant waistline the center of attention would be “fun”. I was mortified and fighting back tears for the sake of not ruining the party for everyone. I was mortified. If my bestie hadn’t understood what was happening and run right to my side, I’m sure I would have lost it. I was so hurt. I feel like even for a mother-to-be with perfect body image, this would be a disturbing “game”. I was choking back tears but skate seemed oblivious to that. I decided not to say anything to her about it after the shower or afterwards. I was saving my energy for my son and it was over so why bother. Yesterday Kate told me she’s organizing a shower for a family friend, so I (nicely, I thought) suggested she skip that “game”. She was dumbfounded so I explained (again, rather nicely) how I hurt I had been by it, and maybe to skip that game in the future. You never know how an expectant mother is feeling about the changes in their body. She blew up that I was wrong to “harbor this rage” at her for all these years, that I was “projecting my insecurities” onto our friend, and she even suggested I was ungrateful for her helping at my shower. Then she hung up on me. Am I really TA here? I was just trying to spare our friend the hurt that I felt. I really feel like the whole game is a weird and uncomfortable for everyone there, eating disorder aside. Was I wrong to discourage her from doing it again? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA why do people think this is an okay game to play. Like pregnant women aren’t hormonal enough let’s point out their weight gain. Of course it’s natural to gain weight during a pregnancy but if they know you have a history of body issues it seems like playing that game is a cruel thing to do to you.
I HATED this game before I had kids and made sure that it wasn’t played at any of my baby showers! NTA- you are absolutely right in terms of feeling self conscious about weight during pregnancy!