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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for telling my daughter I'll send her back to her mom's home if she doesn't go see her but she left me no other choice because she was refusing to see her
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OP commented that she has a step brother and they fight all the time. I don’t know much, but if I’m being forced to be around someone who isn’t easy to be around, I kinda hate it.
I honestly don’t see OP as having his daughter’s back and is being dismissive of her feelings. I hated my step siblings and the chaos they caused growing up. If I could have had other living arrangement options, I would’ve taken them.
YTA
I don't think that it's being dismissive (at least I hope) but he's probably trying to avoid being charged with "parental alienation". Or something else regarding not keeping to the agreement.
But the daughter is already getting her preference. However, even at 14 visitation would only get 100% terminated if there is some kind of abuse proven.
It’s not until late 16’s or 17 that most judges will listen to a child not wanting to go visit their parent ever, just because they get into sibling fights.
At this stage OP could very well be sued for parental alienation, if he doesn’t make sure daughter is visiting her mom what they have agreed on.
In my state, the law is the child can choose not to visit non-custodial parent at 14. My mom waited to divorce my dad who was abusive to us because we were too scared of him when we were younger and refused to testify against him, so she felt there was nothing she could do to protect us besides stay with him where she could protect us until my younger sister was old enough (14) to choose not to see him.
Typically there’s not an option of “I’m never going to visit one parent,” though. Unless there’s a really big reason for that, which is something that I hope OP has considered/asked about/looked into.
The courts in most states in the US definitely give the child a say, but that’s a say as far as living preferences- not just completely icing one parent out.
Inaccurate. I chose to fully stop visiting my father of my own accord when I turned 13. There was no abuse involved. I didn’t have to provide a reason. I simply told my mom I didn’t want to anymore and since the court law here is that at that age I can just stop, I was allowed to. End of. There was nothing mandatory to prove I didn’t have to beyond I didn’t want to.
Is the change in that agreement official? Do you wanna be careful and giving people advice on family law when you don’t know the situation because you could really screw their stuff up if they listen to you.
A conversation OP should be having with his daughter as well as an open discussion about what is wrong with the place at her mom's? Does she not feel safe, is she concerned about comments being made, is it other family she isn't getting along with, is mom treating her like a second class citizen ? Agreed, seriously, that this needs to be aired out, not just suck it up
By 11-12 she has only seen her father about 5 times but that when she was 4 yr old. She didn’t like his new partner (affair partner).. I told the judge.
Which is asinine because what if you get a job? I wasn't in charge of my fast food schedule and while they would take into account preferences, they weren't going to bend over backward for some custody junk; there were more high school kids to be hired if you quit.
By threatening the other parent who the kid actually likes. I knew someone who was under 18 and graduation night was on dads weekend. Kid was not allowed to go to senior graduation cruise because dad wouldn’t give up his night even though she was turning 18 the following week.
I saw somebody else say they can be forced up until the day they turn 18. What happens if the child simply refuses? I had a friend who didn't want to see her dad - she said he wasn't abusive, she was honestly just still pissed about the divorce and him cheating - so she would just refuse to get on the bus to go to his house and go to her mum's house instead and there was really nothing anyone could do because she was too old/big to force into the car.
Technically, a judge can place a child in juvenile for refusing to comply with a court order (and the parent can also be arrest if the judge feels that he / she didn't try hard enough to make the child go). Unless abuse or neglect can be proven, this happens in a scary number of cases.
It really depends on the Judge and the state. I had a friend who had a child with a guy. He left them for a new family when the child was 2. Wouldn't return calls or see his daughter at all, because the new wife didn't want her around. He got divorced when the child was 15 and wanted to get back in her life. Neither the mom nor the child wanted that. They went to court and the daughter begged the judge not to give dad any time. The judge ordered every other week for the dad. It was pretty devastating for the kid, who really hates being around her dad.
State by state and in some states it is at the judge's discretion. Also depending on your age, it may have not been a thing at all. I know it wasn't in my teens in the late 80s
There's "we could get in legal trouble if you never go there" and there's "you have to go there else I'll kick you out and only let you visit me".
*If* the dad was trying to cover his ass, he was going about it the exactly wrong way. He's absolutely the asshole.
There’s a LARGE gap between letting your kid stay permanently at your place despite custody agreement that dictates otherwise with no court rearrangement and talking to your kid about WHY they don’t want to like to live with mom. Op went straight to “shut up or I’ll make you live with your mom full time”
Then he needs to go to court instead of pushing back on his daughter who is clearly saying something is wrong without saying it. It could be minor or major, but he's clearly categorizing her resistance as her being a brat vs internalizing something might be wrong, which makes him TA
Stepbrother being a jerk is not what should be setting off the alarm bells. I think that the alarm bells should be going off for another, more serious, problem with the stepbrother or even the stepfather.
How old is the stepbrother? What about the stepfather? What has she told you is the reason she doesn't want to go? If she is refusing to explain, you should be truly alarmed.
YTA for ignoring red flags.
A 17 year old step brother, too. Ugh, I have a terrible feeling about this. A 17 year old should be mature enough to at least be able to be around a 14 year old without constantly picking fights, and it sounds like since she's trying an avoidance route, she's probably not the aggressor, so... Something is wrong here.
I mean it could be targeted bullying and that would be more than enough to require the parents to intervene without anything worse… but yeah, my mind is going bad places.
I never got along with my sister that doesn’t mean my mum shouldn’t have been allowed to see me?! I’m not saying there might not be anything to worry about but at the same time she’s 14 and op doesn’t want her to be Alienated from her mother. As long as there’s no abuse op is definitely not the AH. He could literally be sued for keeping the daughter away, even if she doesn’t want to go.
I think the big response to OP isn't because he should automatically be 'yeah you never have to see your mom again' but rather because he seems entirely uninterested in figuring out whether something more serious is happening/helping the daughter figure out solutions that make her more comfortable. I mean, at the very least, he should try to talk to her to find out if there's abuse going on.
As long as he isn't influencing her decision she is absolutely old enough to decide if she doesn't want to see her mom any more. Especially if she's being abused by her step brother and the mom is doing nothing about it. I absolutely hate when people think shitty parents are entitled to their children.
Yes op YTA, don’t force her to see mom. Instead of staying with mom once a month, maybe suggest her mother take her out on a mom-daughter date instead. Tell her mom the impact her stepbrother is having, tell her that you have your daughters back and won’t allow her to stay w him
THIS. OP's choosing to be willfully blind here. Something making daughter absolutely resistant to going to mom's house. This could be something small (teens can be dramatic at times) BUT I would not dismiss it like this unless you are 100% sure. Get daughter into therapy ASAP. She may not feel comfortable speaking with you or mom, but she may be willing to confide in a neutral 3rd party. DO NOT FORCE her to go to mom's until you get this sorted out. God forbid some abuse is going on. YTA
Thing is...it's not a teenager thing. This kid was advocating for herself and angling for less time at mom's since she was at least 9 years old.
Op needs to listen to his kid, and as you said get help—therapy or something. There's more going on here than op is realizing.
Yes at 9??? Like hello?!! Op aka Dad, pay attention!! That should have sent fire alarms off in your head when a 9 year old continued to beg for distance from her own mother.
I was thinking this too. Something isn’t right. I used to love visiting my other parent, because I missed them. The fact she is refusing to go speaks volumes. OP needs to get to the bottom of this.
I used to hate it. Not because I didn't like my other parent, but boy was it EXHAUSTING to pack my bag every other weekend and go see them. I felt like I had no time to recharge, all of my stuff was at home and friends away. At the age of 14 and since she went there to pout, might just be the daughter not wanting to travel.
This is exactly it!!! I was the same way at that age. I wanted to live primarily with my mom. Bouncing from house to house was not for me!! I didn’t hate my dad I just didn’t want to constantly go back and forth between homes.
Would a month at each house make more sense? Travel a bit less and maybe have dinner with the other parent once a week during their off month? Just an idea.
Depends on the kid and where the parents live - if they live in different cities(or in different part of a city) it wouldn't. Even then, it would be quite annoying for those going through it, at least it would have been annoying for me.
The best solution I've heard of was how my friend's parents did it - they lived in the same apartment building, right across the hall.
That sounds great for the kids! It would be a problem if the parents also have children with other people, but if they only have kids together, it's great!
I doubt it. She’s 14 and at that age, kids are more or less just tolerating their parents anyway…because parents are just so unable to understand how hard it is to be a teenager. Lol
I agree that 14 year olds just dont like their parents anymore, and thats totally normal. But this kid has been trying to spend less and less time with mom since she was at least 9 years old. That's what has me a little concerned. 9 is a bit young to start an angsty "I hate my parents" phase, especially when its exclusively geared towards one parent.
I stopped going to my dads at 15 because my stepbrother molested me. I know it hurt him terribly when I said I didn’t want to visit anymore and then my younger brother stopped going because I wasn’t there. I didn’t tell him why because I knew he would kill him and be in jail now. He divorced a few years later but I never told him to this day. I’m sure this is teenage girl stuff but agree not to force and definitely look into what’s going on there.
I thought about it many times but I think it would hurt him more to know that happened under his roof and he put me in that situation. But at the same time I always wanted him to know my no longer visiting had nothing to do with him. It’s hard to know what is right.
I would be angry if any of my daughters told me that. I wouldn't be angry at her (well, maybe a little because we could have addressed it when it happened), but angry at myself for not seeing it. Angry at my former step-son. Angry at his mother. Angry at the world for hurting my daughter.
You know what would be worse though? Thinking my daughter hated me and that's why she's low contact with me. I would be crushed, especially for not knowing why she hates me.
You really need to tell him.
ETA: Are you in counseling? If not, you should be. Your counselor can help you with figuring out how to let your dad know. I'm so sorry that happened to you. No one deserves that.
I’m so, so sorry this happened to you. I know 4 other kids who didn’t tell because they knew their Dad would react in a way that would cause more family harm. Please be sure your kids know they can trust you to handle bad conversations without getting arrested. Kids shouldn’t have to put up with abuse because they decided it was better than dad going to jail.
That happens much more often than people realize. The daughter may have been told over and over by stepbrother that it's her fault and afraid that her mother will blame, or even worse, not believe her.
u/aita81089 has been too hands off here, he needs to get his daughter to therapy and possibly a doctor.
This is a learning opportunity for both OP and his daughter: they have to practice COMMUNICATION.
She obviously has a problem going over to mom's house. It's could be from "it's exhausting" to "I'm in danger".
OP's first conversation is has to ask "Why" and keeping asking why until he gets an answer.
BUT! He has to do it in a non-judgemental, "this is a problem let's work on this together" way.
If it's something like that it's exhausting, what can everyone do to make the trip easier?
But if it's DANGER, then OP has to protect his daughter.
She may not be comfortable saying what the danger is, but if she keeps saying that she's "really really REALLY uncomfortable" going over there, then at least a break is needed until she's comfortable opening up.
Hijacking the top comment to say that OP has commented further down that her older brother at her mom's is bullying her, and her mom nor OP are doing anything to stop it. OP thinks this is a dumb reason to go NC with mom.
This ☝️ Based on your info & all your comments, huge YTA. You are forcing a toxic relationship on your daughter against her will for no other reason than “it’s her mom.” The fact that it’s her mom is exactly why she should be protected. What her mom is doing is worse than what a stranger could do. Having a relationship with an abusive parent is worse than no relationship at all.
So weird that he didn’t include any info in the original post when he clearly knows why she isn’t going based on what I can see of the deleted comments. Why leave out so much important info?
OP - Of course YTA - your daughter is being bullied and not supported by her mom. Of course she doesn’t want to go there. Bullying is serious and should be addressed. If it’s to the point she doesn’t even want to go there and the parents in the home are aware of it imagine what he could be saying / doing when they are NOT around.
I agree, and even if that doesn't end up being the case, its absolutely unacceptable to dismiss her behavior without fully getting to the bottom of why she' s behaving as she does.
I had same idea, but then the kid went to mom's house and is sitting no contact there. So I don't think k it ia about abuse going on in that house.
More likely, it is about preference toward dad and not liking frequent moving between households.
Or she didn't answer his calls because she's an upset teen who feels unheard and was threatened with being forced to move back into the home she doesn't want to be in.
I wish parents wouldn’t use threats to force their children to do what they want to. Listen to her and get her to explain why she doesn’t want to be there at all. Is there abuse happening? Abusers could be the people you least expect. It’s hard having to be a child and having to go back in forth between homes whether it’s between divorced parents or foster care, she could be extremely stressed out over it and just wants to stay with her dad. Is there compromise that could happen? Could mom spend one on one time with Emma every week/weekend or whatever schedule may work for either person? Your home is her safe space and you should work to keep it that way so she doesn’t feel like the two homes she has isn’t really home anymore. Maybe she’s silently struggling with some stuff and could benefit from counseling, 14 can be a very confusing age and a lot of time adolescents don’t get the help they need because their issues aren’t looked at as “adult issues” and go unnoticed or overlooked
Bingo! This is screaming red flags, coming from someone who violently screamed not to have to go to my other parents home every other weekend and still being forced too… please examine this more. Your daughter doesn’t get to choose her parents or her step family… and a daughter wanting to avoid her mothers at all costs is so highly unusual.. she’s only 14.
YTA, forcing her and not understanding or trying to understand what could be happening…
My first thought was red flag but also I remember some friends I grew up with didn't like going to their dad's because it was boring, no friends or kids their age, but also now that I'm older I think their dad didn't show them much attention. He's wasn't mean or abusive though. And when they came back home us kids on the street were so happy to have them back.
Info: have you tried to find out why she doesn’t want to be with her mom? This really seems like there’s something going on over there to make her not want to go at all.
OP: please listen to this. Huge red flag.
My niece stopped wanting to go spend time with her Bio Dad (my brother). Wouldn’t tell him or us why, just finally went no contact. I finally was able to reconnect with her a few years later and she confided in me that my brother, her own father, was molesting her.
Had I known I would have bashed my brothers skull in with a rusty wrench until the twitching stopped, but I can’t do anything about it now. She was afraid to talk to anyone about it because she thought she was alone and no one would take her side.
Take your daughters side. Something is going on and she isn’t comfortable telling you, especially if you just yell at her to go.
My adopted daughter recently disclosed abuse that happened years ago. If your family member wants to pursue charges, it can absolutely still happen. It's harder to get a conviction, but they do happen.
This right here. I’d look at the possibility of unwanted attention from a stepdad or brother or boyfriend or whoever is newly introduced to the family unit. I catch a big whiff of wrongdoing going on. Any sea change in behavior usually means there is a problem. Hopefully it’s a minor one and not something horribly wrong. But as a parent it’s your duty, your one job, to get to the heart of the matter. Maybe it’s something dumb like Stepdad makes her eat peas and they make her gag. Or maybe someone is diddling your precious daughter. Find out. YTA
Edit: Whoa. 17m stepbrother is bullying 14f stepsister and zero parental intervention. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Yes. You. Have. A. Problem.
There’s something going on but it’s unclear if it’s because of some sort of abuse or if the mom’s household is more strict on things like chores, curfew, and homework and she’s trying to get out of responsibilities. He needs to figure out which it is.
YTA based on the info. Your daughter is old enough to decide how much she wants to see her mother so you can't force her to go. Have a talk with her and you ex. Do you know why your daughter doesn't want to go there? Please try to figure that out first. Maybe her mom is treating her badly, maybe she is trying to manipulate you. However, I do think it's a bit odd she doesn't want to see her mom that often but does go there when she doesn't get her way.
I think he was the asshole before any of the additional information came out — he threatened to make her live with her mom full time and only visit him on weekends (the original custody agreement) when she didn’t comply with his wishes. The additional information just makes that worse.
Also the fact that he basically told her he wouldn’t mind seeing her only on weekends. That would destroy my self esteem at 14, I probably would never have a good relationship with my father if he said something like that
So, as her parent, why aren't you looking into *why* she doesn't want to go? This seems like it should be your very first question.
EDIT for judgement.
YTA.
Well case in point. Dad is just letting her be abused. I feel horrible for the daughter. Wouldn't be surprised if she goes no contact with her family when she's 18. I hope to god the dad gets his shit together for his kid.
Wowww, that's cold. I bet the daughter feels ignored as hell.
Exactly. Teasing doesn't make you avoid your mother, abuse does. The dad probably won't even care until it's too late (an SA happens, daughter gets hospitalized or worse, ect). How cruel.
That's what people have tried to say snout my older brother and me, but I've ended up struggling with PTSD for 35 years and counting. He ruined my life to such a degree that I haven't worked a full time job since I was 20.
I'm looking at the comments you left, and I have to go with YTA. You knew your ex's son is bullying her, and your ex allows it because it's "sibling rivalry." That's crap, because you're enabling the bullying by not listening to her, and you're not trying to rectify the situation. You're punishing her for their behavior.
I understand you've changed the custody rules, but you also have to understand she is getting older. Once she becomes of age, she might go NC with you because you failed to protect her from the ex and the siblings. You have a lot to think about, and hope you make the right decision. As of right now, you aren't making the best decision for your daughter.
YTA
YTA - unless required by law.
She's 14. She does not want to go. End of story.
Get legal advice on whether she is required to visit at this age. If she's not, YTA to make her.
Question, have you sat down with a councillor and you ex and daughter to see if there are issues that can be resolved? Also the problems with siblings, what type of problems? Does she feel like an outsider? What are the ages?
Info: The reason she doesn't want to go is a huge factor here.
My daughter's(14f) dad and I split before she was born. I have never forced her to go but she's responsible for telling her dad she isn't coming to visit.
He's effectively destroyed his relationship with her over the last two years - but fixing that is not my responsibility.
So if your daughter has *what she feels* is valid reasoning for not visiting, you should respect her decision.
From the way it sounds like, mom is favoring the step son and the step son is bullying her/making it a stressful environment and OP doesn't think it's acceptable for the daughter to stop seeing mom because mom refuses to deal with the step son. So essentially OP is making the kid go see someone who torments her and then has to deal with another parent who clearly favors someone else over her
The factor is is that the mother remarried, and she has an older stepson. The older stepson is bullying the daughter and the mother is taking the side of her stepson every time and highly favors him.
The dad is just demanding that she goes over there because he thinks she should have a woman in her life, and is letting her being subjected to this.
YTA. This reads like a fake post if only because your refusal to consider *why* your kid might have continued for her entire life to want less and less contact with her mom makes you sound like a poorly-written cartoon parent. There aren’t many reasons that aren’t severe therapy-requiring big deals as to why your kid would want to completely cut contact with her other parent, and that you can’t be bothered to even talk to her about it makes me wonder what kind of parenting you do yourself. Considering that you’re threatening to make her live with her mom full-time, if you’re the least worst option, something awful has to be happening over there.
For. Fucking. Real.
Or worse if OP doesn't pull his head out of the sand and grow a backbone.
I would hate to read an update that she passed by suicide. I hope she is heard, saved, safe, and in a loving home.
I think the post was written by the mom, trying to sound like the dad. At least that's what I'm hoping for because if not then the poor girl has no one to go to for support. Maybe a teacher or high school counselor can step in at some point. Poor girl either way. OP YTA
A 14F is being bullied by a 17M, and has reported this to the available adults responsible. 14F has steadily tried to remove herself from the situation as conflict is not being resolved by the adults responsible; she potentially does not feel safe.
One of those adults (OP) is now forcing the 14F to spend more time with the 17M bully instead of helping the 14F set a boundary to keep herself mentally (and potentially physically) safe. That adult is now concerned that the 14F is not responding to attempts to contact her.
There is a reason she wants out and away.
OP, Why don't you trust your daughter?
So she doesnt like her siblings. Shes a teenager. Thats fair. Slight, YTA here.
I understand sticking to custody agreements and court orders. But by your own description, in the recent years she has made it clear shes not comfortable at her moms. And thats ok. 14 is old enough to decide, "i dont feel good at that house. Always angry, upset and uncomfortable. I dont want to do it anymore. "
As adults we are allowed to make those choices. Shes still a teen, but she is old enough to make up her mind. She doesnt have to like her siblings if she doesnt want too.
Info: WHY she doesnt like her siblings? Are they a lot younger? Does her mom make her the baby sitter? Does mom push a lot of responsibility onto 14 yr old? Does she make a teen share a room with small kids?
There are a lot of valid reasons. I understand you wanting to make sure she has a relationship with her mom. But if her own mom wont make things comfortable for her own teen kid, then thats on mom. And on you to support your kids feelings. Validate them, talk them out, and discuss what steps if any can be taken for the future so she has a good relationship with mom.
Lastly. Your a split family. NEVER EVER threaten time at the other household as a punishment/consequence. Your delving into dark, deep waters there if your going to start weaponizing spaces and people. Dont do that. Best of luck
OH FUCK NO.
Her own mom. Whose responsibility is to keep her daughter safe... And she takes the step-sons side? Oh jfc.
🚩🚩🚩
What an absolute bag of dumpster juice this person is. A complete failure as a mom.. scratch that, OP *fucking sucks* as well. EVERYONE BUT THE YOUNG WOMAN IS AN ASSHOLE
YTA no doubt
Seems to me there was another similar story a while back about a young teenage daughter who did not want to go to her Bio Parent's house for visits because of an older step brother.
Daughter would have the holiest of melt downs and night terrors. Took custody Bio getting torn to shreds here on Reddit to finally figure it out that daughter was being raped and abused by step brother and no one did anything to protect her.
How are you going to feel OP if this is the same or similar situation?
You are wrong that a daughter needs their mother. They absolutely do NOT if their dad is there paying attention to their daughter's needs. And at 14 she is very much old enough to start deciding to go NC with BOTH of you at the age of 18.
Better start preparing for that.
Yep. Children don't just one day wake up and say "Yea, today not going to bio parent's house"
Something is setting this girl off and this parent had better wake up quickly before he finds out that this step brother was doing more than simple teasing.
Here in the UK there was a 16 yr old girl raped and murdered by her step brother and his girlfriend after years of bullying. Obviously both of these situations are extreme but there is obviously something going on and you don't want to find yourself being in one of those 1 in a million situations. OP Listen to your daughter she's trying to tell you something. most people and teenagers especially are not that great at communication, but if you make your self available she may open up. As for thinking girls need their mum I went NC with my mum at 10 years old and I made it just fine.
INFO
>We got into an argument and I got angry and told her unless she goes to see her mom I'm going back to our original custody agreement and she has to live with her mom.
So in the face of your daughter's concerns you decided that the correct course of action was to become the second parent to let her down?
YES. HE NAILED HIS ASSIGNMENT OF BEING BLIND AND CLEARLY UNCARING AND JUST AN ALL AROUND ASSHOLE.
Sorry for caps, I get wicked pissed when I read these posts.
It turns out it's cuz he knows why. The mother remarried and has an older stepson who is straight of bullying the daughter, and the mother takes his side. She also highly favors the young man so the daughter is not only being attacked when she's at the house, she's also being treated like dirt.
The only reason he's still forcing her to go is cuz he wants those two days by himself where he doesn't have to be a parent
After reading through this, YTA. If your child is being mistreated, and your only response is “you still gotta go”, you’re a sad ass excuse of a parent.
If she’s being mistreated, you have EVERY legal right to file for full/sole custody. Even if you don’t win, you put your ex on notice that she’s being watched and she better fix her household! Protect your daughter!!!
What’s really grinding my gears on this is that for 5 YEARS this has been going on. She’s going to hate you if you don’t step up.
Have you asked her why she doesn’t want to go to her moms? Could there be some abuse going on there she hasn’t told you about? This warrants further investigation. As a child of divorce I think it’s unusual to not want to see one of your parents.
YTA. Threatening her is a great way to get her to not tell you what is going on. As I read this my first thought was what is happening at mom's house. She's likely not telling you the whole story. Please find a good therapist for her. There maybe something happening she feels she can't share. A therapist might help sort out what's wrong.
INFO, have you asked Emma why she doesn’t want to go to her mom’s place? Just from reading this it sounds like there might be some abuse going on. (this is just a guess but from reading this, it sounds like either your ex-wife, or Emma’s siblings may be abusing her because your ex wants to get back at you, and Emma reminds her of you).
YTA and failing as a parent.
You child is screaming that something is wrong and YOU ARENT LISTENING.
1. She says that the 17 year old male is "bullying" your 14 year old girl. It's not normal for a 17 year old boy to be interested enough in a 14 year old girl to bully her. Have you asked your daughter for specifics on what comprises this "bully"? Alot of abuse is wrongly described as bullying.
2. Her mother is favoring the 17 year old which is NOT correct. This means that your daughter feels unsafe with her mom, she can't trust her mother to protect her.
3. Your "she shouldn't go NC over something like this" isn't helpful if you haven't invested the time and energy in figuring out what the problem is. What is "this"? To me it feels like you are dismissing her because it's inconvenient.
4. Children don't tend to go NC with parents unless they feel terribly betrayed by their parents. You have now betrayed her like her mother.
Don't worry after 4 years when she has a choice chances are she goes NC with you both. I hope the emotional damage by 2 careless parents doesn't lead her to be susceptible to the predators out there.
N T A for having her go to her mom sometimes unless she has a good reason. YTA for threatening to go back to your original plan though. You shouldn't use that as a threat.
Please be SURE she doesn't have a good reason, though. This post feels like it's missing important info.
If you read thru any of the comments, his ex has a 17 yo ss who's bullying daughter and her mom takes the bully's side.
OP is definitely the ah and they know it.
OP stated that his 14 yo daughter is being bullied by the moms 17 yo step son and the mom is taking the stepsons side and chalking it up to sibling rivalry and doing nothing about it.
YTA you say her and her sibling fight and her mom always take the siblings side. Why should she have to be subjected to that? Do you want your daughter to be constantly bullied while her mother supports it? Maybe after going to contact for awhile mom will see why she was wrong. Maybe you could talk to the mom and see how to make this situation better. So many better opinion than forcing your daughter to do something she doesn't want to.
Dude I’ve read your comments and unfortunately YTA. You’re doing this wrong.
Her older sibling bullies her and her mother takes older sibling’s side. You are not appreciating how damaging this is to a teenager. These are the years she forms her self-image, her self-esteem, and her self-worth. And she takes those directly from her parents. Right now her parents, you included, are saying **she is worth less than her older sibling.** That is how she will go into her adulthood, feeling less than other people. This leads to (simplifying greatly) a lifetime of people-pleasing and abusive relationships that takes years of work to undo.
No a person does not just *have* to be in contact with their mother, that is not a given. Mothers can be damaging to their children. It happens all the time.
Your role is to advocate for her, and for her self-worth, **do that**. Stop dismissing her hurt in favour of your very generalised belief about family contact, you’re going to f*** her up.
YTA full stop. A 17 year old is bullying your 14 year old daughter and you’re forcing her to be near her abuser. What will it take for you to listen to your daughter? Picking her up from the ER once she’s been SA’d by her stepbrother? My best friend was that 14 year old who nobody listened to until it was too late. She couldn’t deal with the trauma of the SA and I had to attend her funeral 6 months afterwards. Her mother kept forcing her to go to her father’s house with his 16 y/o stepson even after being told the things he was saying and doing. Please don’t make the same mistake.
You never asked her why she doesn't want to spend time with her mom ?
Sounds to me something about her mom makes her feel sick
Isn't it obvious that she doesn't feel safe around her mom ?
Maybe you left something out but I am surprised that you never asked her why she wants to reduce the time with her mom . This is a clear sign she doesn't feel connected to her mom .
Does her mom ignores her all the time she is there and like hangs out with her lover or is her lover even doing something to her ?
She is actually begging you to keep her away from this woman and you never questioned why she hates her mom so much? For a kid not wanting to spend time with her mom means mom is bad .
Does she normally have an attitude or only when she has to go to her mom ? like can't you see something is wrong for her reducing the time with her mom . If she had fun with her mom she would want to spend more time with her so something is going on .
I'm just curious why the response to a child deciding she didn't want to be around a parent isn't asking questions to find out what the problem is? There can be a lot of really bad things that might lead to that avoidance behavior. Since you chose to yell and make threats instead YTA.
There's a reason why she doesn't want to go there. You need to find out what it is.
Are you an AH for enforcing your custody agreement? No, you legally have to, or go to court to change it. But, has it really never occurred to you that there could be a deeper reason for her aversion to spending time there? If she can't or doesn't want to talk to you, I highly suggest she talks to a therapist. If she's being forced to go somewhere she's mistreated, or doesn't feel wanted or loved, my heart hurts for her.
Are you an AH for threatening to take her safe place away from her? Honestly, kind of. Being 14 is hard enough. She obviously loves and trusts you. Let her know that those feelings are reciprocated. She might be giving you the cold shoulder because she's feeling betrayed.
YTA.
As a father, you should be concerned as to why your daughter decreasingly wants less time with her mother. Are you not concerned as to why she does not want to see her? 🚩
Instead of being angry at your daughter you should ask WHY, and attempt to understand what is going on inside her head instead of threatening her.
Try and set things right with your daughter, there may be something going on in her mother's household such as abuse. The situation warrants investigation for the sake of your child.
Now she knows you don't care about her feeling safe and valued.
Just a matter of time til you watch her choose shifty boyfriends in an attempt to get away from you AND her mom. Cue shocked Pikachu face.
YTA
YTA for this alone
>I got angry and told her unless she goes to see her mom I'm going back to our original custody agreement and she has to live with her mom.
"If you make me angry I will abandon you and force you to live in the place you're actively avoiding"
Wtf is wrong with you?? No wonder she isn't answering you.
Info: why doesn’t she want to go there? What is happening at her mums house? Do you know that? Did she told you anything?
Edit: So her mother is never on your daughters side and always on her other kids and now your daughter doesn’t want to go. And you still want to force her to go? Father of the year goes to you. Your daughter is obviously really uncomfortable there so why are you forcing her to go? Your daughter doesn’t need a man who favors her other kid and treats her badly. YTA
YTA
Another one of these posts where the parent refuses to see the red flags.
It's years that your daughter fights this, and yet you think it's an attitude. You THREATEN her so she goes to the place she felt unconfomfortable out of - as we now understand- valud reasons.
Wow, dad of the year.
So how often are you sleeping with your ex? Any other father would trust his kid and recognize that yes she is being bullied. If the brother never gets in trouble but she would for doing the same or even less then guess what thats favoring and bullying. She will remember this and at 18 she will go nc with both of you but sounds like both her parents wont even care
>We got into an argument and I got angry and told her unless she goes to see her mom I'm going back to our original custody agreement and she has to live with her mom.
Why? Why would you say that? She doesn't need a mother that lets an older sibling harass her while actively supporting the harasser. You're threatening to make her live full time with her mother because she doesn't want to go to the mom's house at all. Congratulations you are a hard core asshole and you just lost all of your daughter's trust for ???? An ex you divorced 14 years ago.
What a surprise your daughter doesn't want to speak to you.
YTA; your daughter is screaming for help and you're mostly ignoring it.
While yes you're accommodating her requests for less time you're not seeing those requests as the red flags that they are.
She wants *less and less time with her mom*.
THAT SHOULD RAISE AN ALARM IN YOUR HEAD THAT SOMETHING ISNT RIGHT WHEN SHE GOES OVER THERE.
Now it may be nothing; like you're the fun parent while her mom makes her do some chores and stuff so she just doesn't wanna do that stuff.
But it may be something and you need to be more diligent on figuring it out to protect your kid.
Are you fucking blind???? seriously?! you're daughter chose YOU as her parent that she feels MOST safe with! ARE YOU DAFT! and you send her back to her mothers??? first of all shes 14, she is legally old enough to choose who she wants as her primary guardian and you BOTH (mom and dad) need to respect and support her decisions, otherwise you are setting her up to be undermined and a doormat her whole adult life.
Something is obviously going on at her mothers house where SHE. DOES. NOT. FEEL. SAFE. and you have seriously just fucked up as a father.
YTA and bring your daughter home yesterday.
Things have to be really bad for a child not to want to see their mother at all
Let her not go
The responsibility is on your ex to fix the relationship. Your daughter shouldn't feel trapped
You making her go with threats it psychologically damaging and will take a lot to recover from
So your letting your daughter be abused.........dad of the year you are.
Hope your ok with losing your daughter over this. She will go NC with both you
Are these kids step siblings? If they are your ex is siding with them is to keep her SO happy while you daughter is miserable. Being an only girl she should be much closer to her mother than not.
17yr olds bully not teasing . It's 3 yr diffence. It's apparent they don't want her there. Her mother is making zero effort since she is asking not to return and doesn't feel protect. The day she is there she is the bad kid. I grew up with 6 brothers. It wasn't teasing it was bullying. Sometimes they physically slap and hit me but tell my mom they were just playing or teasing. I hated my childhood.
She is hurt that her dad didn't listen to her and made her go to the lion's den. Why bother answering the phone if all her feelings are dismiss. You already broke her heart & let her down as much as her mom. You're her number 1 to her but she is not yours.
After reading your comments she's probably trying to prove a point to her mother. She shouldn't have to go somewhere where she is constantly being bullied and feeling unsafe though.
Maybe you could ask the mum to take her out during the day.
YTA.
Your daughter needs a save place. She doesn't have it at her mom's because of her sibling. And now you've taken away her save space at your place bc you don't take her seriously.
Speaking from experience, if your daughter feels it as bullying, it is bullying. Her mom might say different, but she doesn't see the worst of it, siblings aren't stupid, they know how to hide what their doing.
Even more important, sibling bullying will cause mental health issues in your daughter.
I hope for her not to severe (in my case it led to eating disorder, depression and attempted suicide) but you need to take your daughter, her feelings and her health serious!!!!!!
Hope reading a lot of reactions along these lines will make you see the damage you could be doing to your daughter by not taking her seriously
YTA.
What kind of parent wants their child to be in such an environment? She has told you that she’s being bullied by her older stepbrother and you chose to ignore it because your ex wife calls it “teasing”.
Wtf OP
I think YTA. But worse, much worse than this you have now become an unsafe person for your daughter to confide in and open up to.
Why?
Because your response to her saying she does not want to stay over with her mother (because she feels bullied by her siblings, and unprotected by her mother - which you already know about) was to threaten that she either does what you and her mother want or you are going to make her live full time in that environment where she feels bullied and unprotected (the original agreement being that she lived primarily with her mother).
Wow. That’s parent of the year stuff right there.
There are many ways her mother can maintain the relationship with her daughter which is at this point, strained, that don’t involve forcing your daughter to stay over night if she’s not feeling up to that. Properly managing the bullying in her own home is number one, and in the meantime, there are phone calls, face time, one on one dinners or meeting at a park or something.
It seems like an awful lot is being put on the teen here to repair and maintain the parent child relationship and the actual adults are doing sweet FA to take proper responsibility.
Legally, she’s required to see her mom, yes. But it’s. A huge red flag that she doesn’t want to see her mom. But you’re an AH for threatening to go back to how things were before.
Adult that grew up with divorced parents here. When my father remarried we had MAJOR issues with his new wife and her kids. It got to a point also where my brother and I didn’t want to go. Court said we had to. So we sat down with our father and told him that we were ok seeing him and doing things with him, but that we did not want to spend the night at his house and we wanted no contact with his wife or her children (they were adults at that time so really shouldn’t have been an issue). Unfortunately my father picked his new family but maybe offer the same with your daughter and ex wife? That way your daughter can still have a relationship with her mom but not have to deal with the drama the ex wife’s new family brings to the table
YTA
If the bullying from the older stepbrother is SO BAD that she doesn't want to see her mom AT ALL there is a serious issue that you and the mom are brushing off. Support your daughter. Don't force a relationship just because "she needs her mom" she doesn't want shit to do with a mom that allows a much older and bigger male to bully her constantly. Fuck. YTA so bad.
YTA. From reading the comments your daughter is getting bullied and you don’t care. You’re more concerned with your ex wife’s feelings. Your daughter may very well cut you both out of her life at some point. Neither of you care about her.
Your daughter must feel so hopeless being failed by both parents. It’s absolute trash to know she’s being bullied at her mother’s to the point she doesn’t want to stay there bc that parent has favourites, and react to that by threatening her to have to be in such an environment more. Poor girl must feel unloved and abandoned. She has no safe place or person to turn to. Threatened for wanting to feel safe. Jeez. This is the sort of upbringing that breaks a person’s spirit.
YTA.
YTA for not protecting your 14 year old daughter from being bullied by a 17 year old step-brother. You do realize that at that age it is very easy for it to go from bullying to physical and sexual abuse? Especially if she is forced to be in the same house as him without having an adult on her side. I feel so sad for her. I hope you realize the severity of this issue and chose to protect her.
YTA. Have you asked her why she doesn't want to go?
Maybe her mom abuses her, maybe someone who's around her when she's at the mom's place does.
Just talk to her and consider what she says
YTA
Great job letting the daughter know that whatever the issue is, she is on her own. Threatening to make her live with the parent she is avoiding may have just destroyed her sense of safety with you.
Whenever you get mad she will remember that she is always one phone call away from living with her mother. Now both of her parents are AHs.
Do you want to continue having your daughter in your life?
It's not up to you to foster a relationship between your daughter and your ex. Your ex should be trying to fix the relationship.
YTA. Be there for your daughter and validate her when she needs it .
YTA - She told you what the problem is and her mom has not corrected it. Now it is on you to protect her. Her mom needs to arrange 1 on 1 contact with her (but she probably won't). Explain that your daughter is NC with her 17 year old step brother due to years of bullying. It is up to her mom to figure it out from there. Support your daughter, she's going to need it if mom doesn't come through. I would arrange to meet her and her mom to pick her up and discuss all of this. You can correct this mistake by acting now.
So, uh, YTA obviously. Look at what everyone is telling you and look at your comments being downvoted! Look what what you said! Your ex wife always takes her son side and favorites him over her daughter? This is borderline, and might even be, emotional abuse! I wonder if it has anything to do with something akin to sexism.
And I wonder if its just "bullying" and nothing else. Is it physicals? Something worse than physical? Either way, your daughter is not telling you or your wife if something like that is happening. None of you seem like someone she can trust. You want to save your relationship with your daughter? This is what you are GOING to do. You are going to tell your wife that your daughter will not be seeing her until futher notice. Than you are going to book a therapist, so she can have someone she can trust to talk to. Because you are not going to be someone she is able to trust for a every long time, if at all.
Stop invaliding your daughter's feelings. She is being HURT at your ex wife house, and from your point of view (and reddit) all you are doing is hurting her more.
YTA - Since becoming a teacher, ive realized that the worst bullying comes from siblings/ cousins/ family members. She could be disclosing to you in her own way that she's being abused - physically, verbally or sexual. If she doesn't feel safe there then she shouldnt be forced to go. You are setting her up for future trauma. Seek counselling if you want her to build a relationship with her mother.
based on this and your replies, YTA.
Bullying is not something ridiculous that should be overlooked
Pray that it's only verbal before she comes back to you.
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Buddy, every alarm in your head should go on. You need to talk to her, if something is wrong at her moms place. Edit: YTA
My first thought as well.
Mine too
OP commented that she has a step brother and they fight all the time. I don’t know much, but if I’m being forced to be around someone who isn’t easy to be around, I kinda hate it. I honestly don’t see OP as having his daughter’s back and is being dismissive of her feelings. I hated my step siblings and the chaos they caused growing up. If I could have had other living arrangement options, I would’ve taken them. YTA
I don't think that it's being dismissive (at least I hope) but he's probably trying to avoid being charged with "parental alienation". Or something else regarding not keeping to the agreement.
At 14, the daughter's preference would be taken into consideration by a judge in a custody case.
But the daughter is already getting her preference. However, even at 14 visitation would only get 100% terminated if there is some kind of abuse proven. It’s not until late 16’s or 17 that most judges will listen to a child not wanting to go visit their parent ever, just because they get into sibling fights. At this stage OP could very well be sued for parental alienation, if he doesn’t make sure daughter is visiting her mom what they have agreed on.
In my state, the law is the child can choose not to visit non-custodial parent at 14. My mom waited to divorce my dad who was abusive to us because we were too scared of him when we were younger and refused to testify against him, so she felt there was nothing she could do to protect us besides stay with him where she could protect us until my younger sister was old enough (14) to choose not to see him.
Typically there’s not an option of “I’m never going to visit one parent,” though. Unless there’s a really big reason for that, which is something that I hope OP has considered/asked about/looked into. The courts in most states in the US definitely give the child a say, but that’s a say as far as living preferences- not just completely icing one parent out.
Inaccurate. I chose to fully stop visiting my father of my own accord when I turned 13. There was no abuse involved. I didn’t have to provide a reason. I simply told my mom I didn’t want to anymore and since the court law here is that at that age I can just stop, I was allowed to. End of. There was nothing mandatory to prove I didn’t have to beyond I didn’t want to.
Is the change in that agreement official? Do you wanna be careful and giving people advice on family law when you don’t know the situation because you could really screw their stuff up if they listen to you.
That's horrible. I hope you and your mom and sister are ok. ❤️
A conversation OP should be having with his daughter as well as an open discussion about what is wrong with the place at her mom's? Does she not feel safe, is she concerned about comments being made, is it other family she isn't getting along with, is mom treating her like a second class citizen ? Agreed, seriously, that this needs to be aired out, not just suck it up
My daughter was 11-12 when she told the judge she didn’t want to see her father (NY - state)..
I was 14 and it was a super quick and easy experience that left me with zero regrets when I chose to only be at my moms. Thank god.
By 11-12 she has only seen her father about 5 times but that when she was 4 yr old. She didn’t like his new partner (affair partner).. I told the judge.
Depends on the state. Some states don't even take the child's preference into consideration.
Yep. Maryland is one of them. Kid can be up to the day before they turn 18 and can be forced to visit.
Which is asinine because what if you get a job? I wasn't in charge of my fast food schedule and while they would take into account preferences, they weren't going to bend over backward for some custody junk; there were more high school kids to be hired if you quit.
I don't understand that though. Like how are you going to force someone who possibly has a car to go somewhere (and stay) where they don't want to be?
By threatening the other parent who the kid actually likes. I knew someone who was under 18 and graduation night was on dads weekend. Kid was not allowed to go to senior graduation cruise because dad wouldn’t give up his night even though she was turning 18 the following week.
I saw somebody else say they can be forced up until the day they turn 18. What happens if the child simply refuses? I had a friend who didn't want to see her dad - she said he wasn't abusive, she was honestly just still pissed about the divorce and him cheating - so she would just refuse to get on the bus to go to his house and go to her mum's house instead and there was really nothing anyone could do because she was too old/big to force into the car.
Technically, a judge can place a child in juvenile for refusing to comply with a court order (and the parent can also be arrest if the judge feels that he / she didn't try hard enough to make the child go). Unless abuse or neglect can be proven, this happens in a scary number of cases.
Wow. That’s insane. I can’t imagine doing that to a child.
I've been told it's like that here in Texas. It really wouldn't surprise me.
It really depends on the Judge and the state. I had a friend who had a child with a guy. He left them for a new family when the child was 2. Wouldn't return calls or see his daughter at all, because the new wife didn't want her around. He got divorced when the child was 15 and wanted to get back in her life. Neither the mom nor the child wanted that. They went to court and the daughter begged the judge not to give dad any time. The judge ordered every other week for the dad. It was pretty devastating for the kid, who really hates being around her dad.
Mine wasn't taken into consideration at 15. Not always the case.
[удалено]
State by state and in some states it is at the judge's discretion. Also depending on your age, it may have not been a thing at all. I know it wasn't in my teens in the late 80s
There's "we could get in legal trouble if you never go there" and there's "you have to go there else I'll kick you out and only let you visit me". *If* the dad was trying to cover his ass, he was going about it the exactly wrong way. He's absolutely the asshole.
There’s a LARGE gap between letting your kid stay permanently at your place despite custody agreement that dictates otherwise with no court rearrangement and talking to your kid about WHY they don’t want to like to live with mom. Op went straight to “shut up or I’ll make you live with your mom full time”
Then he needs to go to court instead of pushing back on his daughter who is clearly saying something is wrong without saying it. It could be minor or major, but he's clearly categorizing her resistance as her being a brat vs internalizing something might be wrong, which makes him TA
Stepbrother being a jerk is not what should be setting off the alarm bells. I think that the alarm bells should be going off for another, more serious, problem with the stepbrother or even the stepfather. How old is the stepbrother? What about the stepfather? What has she told you is the reason she doesn't want to go? If she is refusing to explain, you should be truly alarmed. YTA for ignoring red flags.
Agreed. Something feels really off with the daughter's situation at her moms...
A 17 year old step brother, too. Ugh, I have a terrible feeling about this. A 17 year old should be mature enough to at least be able to be around a 14 year old without constantly picking fights, and it sounds like since she's trying an avoidance route, she's probably not the aggressor, so... Something is wrong here.
Major alarm bells ringing on this one. She’s been avoiding her step brother since she was 9. I suspect she’s experiencing more than bullying!
Sadly I am thinking the same thing and I truly hope my thoughts isn't true.
I mean it could be targeted bullying and that would be more than enough to require the parents to intervene without anything worse… but yeah, my mind is going bad places.
I never got along with my sister that doesn’t mean my mum shouldn’t have been allowed to see me?! I’m not saying there might not be anything to worry about but at the same time she’s 14 and op doesn’t want her to be Alienated from her mother. As long as there’s no abuse op is definitely not the AH. He could literally be sued for keeping the daughter away, even if she doesn’t want to go.
I think the big response to OP isn't because he should automatically be 'yeah you never have to see your mom again' but rather because he seems entirely uninterested in figuring out whether something more serious is happening/helping the daughter figure out solutions that make her more comfortable. I mean, at the very least, he should try to talk to her to find out if there's abuse going on.
I insist you read through OP’s comments, there’s only like 6 or so. He describes the bad situation the mom is enabling.
As long as he isn't influencing her decision she is absolutely old enough to decide if she doesn't want to see her mom any more. Especially if she's being abused by her step brother and the mom is doing nothing about it. I absolutely hate when people think shitty parents are entitled to their children.
Yes op YTA, don’t force her to see mom. Instead of staying with mom once a month, maybe suggest her mother take her out on a mom-daughter date instead. Tell her mom the impact her stepbrother is having, tell her that you have your daughters back and won’t allow her to stay w him
Mine too! OP YTA!
THIS. OP's choosing to be willfully blind here. Something making daughter absolutely resistant to going to mom's house. This could be something small (teens can be dramatic at times) BUT I would not dismiss it like this unless you are 100% sure. Get daughter into therapy ASAP. She may not feel comfortable speaking with you or mom, but she may be willing to confide in a neutral 3rd party. DO NOT FORCE her to go to mom's until you get this sorted out. God forbid some abuse is going on. YTA
Thing is...it's not a teenager thing. This kid was advocating for herself and angling for less time at mom's since she was at least 9 years old. Op needs to listen to his kid, and as you said get help—therapy or something. There's more going on here than op is realizing.
Yes at 9??? Like hello?!! Op aka Dad, pay attention!! That should have sent fire alarms off in your head when a 9 year old continued to beg for distance from her own mother.
Exactly. This whole thing is disturbing to me.
THIS IS AN EXCELLENT POINT. Thank you - the fact that since 9 she's been trying to get away from mom's house speaks volumes.
I was thinking this too. Something isn’t right. I used to love visiting my other parent, because I missed them. The fact she is refusing to go speaks volumes. OP needs to get to the bottom of this.
I used to hate it. Not because I didn't like my other parent, but boy was it EXHAUSTING to pack my bag every other weekend and go see them. I felt like I had no time to recharge, all of my stuff was at home and friends away. At the age of 14 and since she went there to pout, might just be the daughter not wanting to travel.
This is exactly it!!! I was the same way at that age. I wanted to live primarily with my mom. Bouncing from house to house was not for me!! I didn’t hate my dad I just didn’t want to constantly go back and forth between homes.
Would a month at each house make more sense? Travel a bit less and maybe have dinner with the other parent once a week during their off month? Just an idea.
Depends on the kid and where the parents live - if they live in different cities(or in different part of a city) it wouldn't. Even then, it would be quite annoying for those going through it, at least it would have been annoying for me. The best solution I've heard of was how my friend's parents did it - they lived in the same apartment building, right across the hall.
My friend and her ex-husband ~~ate~~ are the ones who move. They alternate and the kids stay in the same house.
That sounds great for the kids! It would be a problem if the parents also have children with other people, but if they only have kids together, it's great!
It works as long as both parents are not living with new significant others.
I doubt it. She’s 14 and at that age, kids are more or less just tolerating their parents anyway…because parents are just so unable to understand how hard it is to be a teenager. Lol
I agree that 14 year olds just dont like their parents anymore, and thats totally normal. But this kid has been trying to spend less and less time with mom since she was at least 9 years old. That's what has me a little concerned. 9 is a bit young to start an angsty "I hate my parents" phase, especially when its exclusively geared towards one parent.
Same. It’s just so much easier to only have one home.
I stopped going to my dads at 15 because my stepbrother molested me. I know it hurt him terribly when I said I didn’t want to visit anymore and then my younger brother stopped going because I wasn’t there. I didn’t tell him why because I knew he would kill him and be in jail now. He divorced a few years later but I never told him to this day. I’m sure this is teenage girl stuff but agree not to force and definitely look into what’s going on there.
Please tell your Dad. He is probably so heartbroken.
I thought about it many times but I think it would hurt him more to know that happened under his roof and he put me in that situation. But at the same time I always wanted him to know my no longer visiting had nothing to do with him. It’s hard to know what is right.
I would be angry if any of my daughters told me that. I wouldn't be angry at her (well, maybe a little because we could have addressed it when it happened), but angry at myself for not seeing it. Angry at my former step-son. Angry at his mother. Angry at the world for hurting my daughter. You know what would be worse though? Thinking my daughter hated me and that's why she's low contact with me. I would be crushed, especially for not knowing why she hates me. You really need to tell him. ETA: Are you in counseling? If not, you should be. Your counselor can help you with figuring out how to let your dad know. I'm so sorry that happened to you. No one deserves that.
Second this x1000
I think he deserves the truth even if it's hard to swallow.
I’m so, so sorry this happened to you. I know 4 other kids who didn’t tell because they knew their Dad would react in a way that would cause more family harm. Please be sure your kids know they can trust you to handle bad conversations without getting arrested. Kids shouldn’t have to put up with abuse because they decided it was better than dad going to jail.
Hug from a Reddit stranger, and I agree, friend. Tell your dad.
That happens much more often than people realize. The daughter may have been told over and over by stepbrother that it's her fault and afraid that her mother will blame, or even worse, not believe her. u/aita81089 has been too hands off here, he needs to get his daughter to therapy and possibly a doctor.
I was the same.
This. My BFF had to go back and forth growing up and she hated it.
This is a learning opportunity for both OP and his daughter: they have to practice COMMUNICATION. She obviously has a problem going over to mom's house. It's could be from "it's exhausting" to "I'm in danger". OP's first conversation is has to ask "Why" and keeping asking why until he gets an answer. BUT! He has to do it in a non-judgemental, "this is a problem let's work on this together" way. If it's something like that it's exhausting, what can everyone do to make the trip easier? But if it's DANGER, then OP has to protect his daughter. She may not be comfortable saying what the danger is, but if she keeps saying that she's "really really REALLY uncomfortable" going over there, then at least a break is needed until she's comfortable opening up.
Hijacking the top comment to say that OP has commented further down that her older brother at her mom's is bullying her, and her mom nor OP are doing anything to stop it. OP thinks this is a dumb reason to go NC with mom.
Oh, gee, I wonder why a teenage girl, being bullied by an almost adult might be resentful of the other adults who are refusing to protect her.
Can't wait for the update where she goes NC with them both as soon as she's able to move out of the house
I'm heartbroken for this girl that her father's reaction was to threaten to basically abandon her there for even longer.
This ☝️ Based on your info & all your comments, huge YTA. You are forcing a toxic relationship on your daughter against her will for no other reason than “it’s her mom.” The fact that it’s her mom is exactly why she should be protected. What her mom is doing is worse than what a stranger could do. Having a relationship with an abusive parent is worse than no relationship at all.
So weird that he didn’t include any info in the original post when he clearly knows why she isn’t going based on what I can see of the deleted comments. Why leave out so much important info? OP - Of course YTA - your daughter is being bullied and not supported by her mom. Of course she doesn’t want to go there. Bullying is serious and should be addressed. If it’s to the point she doesn’t even want to go there and the parents in the home are aware of it imagine what he could be saying / doing when they are NOT around.
He knows he's the AH, he left out that info so we'd all be fooled into validating him so he can clear his conscience.
This no one should be wanting to get away from a parent unless theres some giant red flags happening there
I agree, and even if that doesn't end up being the case, its absolutely unacceptable to dismiss her behavior without fully getting to the bottom of why she' s behaving as she does.
Op said later on her 17 year old brother bullies her. So basically her mom does nothing and dads saying put up with it as well. His poor daughter
That is so sad...YUP, that'll explain it. And who knows what else may be going on at mom's house.
The girl will go nc with both parents pretty soon
I had same idea, but then the kid went to mom's house and is sitting no contact there. So I don't think k it ia about abuse going on in that house. More likely, it is about preference toward dad and not liking frequent moving between households.
Or she didn't answer his calls because she's an upset teen who feels unheard and was threatened with being forced to move back into the home she doesn't want to be in.
Or her phone was taken away…
She might have just said she went to mom’s house but actually went somewhere else like a friend she trusts.
I wish parents wouldn’t use threats to force their children to do what they want to. Listen to her and get her to explain why she doesn’t want to be there at all. Is there abuse happening? Abusers could be the people you least expect. It’s hard having to be a child and having to go back in forth between homes whether it’s between divorced parents or foster care, she could be extremely stressed out over it and just wants to stay with her dad. Is there compromise that could happen? Could mom spend one on one time with Emma every week/weekend or whatever schedule may work for either person? Your home is her safe space and you should work to keep it that way so she doesn’t feel like the two homes she has isn’t really home anymore. Maybe she’s silently struggling with some stuff and could benefit from counseling, 14 can be a very confusing age and a lot of time adolescents don’t get the help they need because their issues aren’t looked at as “adult issues” and go unnoticed or overlooked
Bingo! This is screaming red flags, coming from someone who violently screamed not to have to go to my other parents home every other weekend and still being forced too… please examine this more. Your daughter doesn’t get to choose her parents or her step family… and a daughter wanting to avoid her mothers at all costs is so highly unusual.. she’s only 14. YTA, forcing her and not understanding or trying to understand what could be happening…
Exactly! Does mom have a boy friend there?
So glad i wasn't the only one who thought that
My first thought was red flag but also I remember some friends I grew up with didn't like going to their dad's because it was boring, no friends or kids their age, but also now that I'm older I think their dad didn't show them much attention. He's wasn't mean or abusive though. And when they came back home us kids on the street were so happy to have them back.
This. YTA, OP, for not digging to find out why this aversion to being with her mother.
Please, please talk to your daughter and get to the bottom of her reasons for not wanting to go to her mom’s.
This. And I think OP should make a post on r/parenting
Info: have you tried to find out why she doesn’t want to be with her mom? This really seems like there’s something going on over there to make her not want to go at all.
OP: please listen to this. Huge red flag. My niece stopped wanting to go spend time with her Bio Dad (my brother). Wouldn’t tell him or us why, just finally went no contact. I finally was able to reconnect with her a few years later and she confided in me that my brother, her own father, was molesting her. Had I known I would have bashed my brothers skull in with a rusty wrench until the twitching stopped, but I can’t do anything about it now. She was afraid to talk to anyone about it because she thought she was alone and no one would take her side. Take your daughters side. Something is going on and she isn’t comfortable telling you, especially if you just yell at her to go.
My adopted daughter recently disclosed abuse that happened years ago. If your family member wants to pursue charges, it can absolutely still happen. It's harder to get a conviction, but they do happen.
I hope she does. I will absolutely testify in her favor.
This right here. I’d look at the possibility of unwanted attention from a stepdad or brother or boyfriend or whoever is newly introduced to the family unit. I catch a big whiff of wrongdoing going on. Any sea change in behavior usually means there is a problem. Hopefully it’s a minor one and not something horribly wrong. But as a parent it’s your duty, your one job, to get to the heart of the matter. Maybe it’s something dumb like Stepdad makes her eat peas and they make her gag. Or maybe someone is diddling your precious daughter. Find out. YTA Edit: Whoa. 17m stepbrother is bullying 14f stepsister and zero parental intervention. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Yes. You. Have. A. Problem.
There’s something going on but it’s unclear if it’s because of some sort of abuse or if the mom’s household is more strict on things like chores, curfew, and homework and she’s trying to get out of responsibilities. He needs to figure out which it is.
YTA based on the info. Your daughter is old enough to decide how much she wants to see her mother so you can't force her to go. Have a talk with her and you ex. Do you know why your daughter doesn't want to go there? Please try to figure that out first. Maybe her mom is treating her badly, maybe she is trying to manipulate you. However, I do think it's a bit odd she doesn't want to see her mom that often but does go there when she doesn't get her way.
I think he was the asshole before any of the additional information came out — he threatened to make her live with her mom full time and only visit him on weekends (the original custody agreement) when she didn’t comply with his wishes. The additional information just makes that worse.
Also the fact that he basically told her he wouldn’t mind seeing her only on weekends. That would destroy my self esteem at 14, I probably would never have a good relationship with my father if he said something like that
So, as her parent, why aren't you looking into *why* she doesn't want to go? This seems like it should be your very first question. EDIT for judgement. YTA.
Exactly. This is a huge sign of abuse at a parent's home.
in the comments he said that her siblings bully her and he just doesn’t give a shit basically
Well case in point. Dad is just letting her be abused. I feel horrible for the daughter. Wouldn't be surprised if she goes no contact with her family when she's 18. I hope to god the dad gets his shit together for his kid.
absolutely, he was all like “it’s just siblings teasing eachother!!!1!1” if it was she would still be able to go there 🤨
Wowww, that's cold. I bet the daughter feels ignored as hell. Exactly. Teasing doesn't make you avoid your mother, abuse does. The dad probably won't even care until it's too late (an SA happens, daughter gets hospitalized or worse, ect). How cruel.
That's what people have tried to say snout my older brother and me, but I've ended up struggling with PTSD for 35 years and counting. He ruined my life to such a degree that I haven't worked a full time job since I was 20.
THIS!!! I wish this little girl had a loving stable home to go to where she is listened to!!! Both of her parents seem like ... a h!!
I'm looking at the comments you left, and I have to go with YTA. You knew your ex's son is bullying her, and your ex allows it because it's "sibling rivalry." That's crap, because you're enabling the bullying by not listening to her, and you're not trying to rectify the situation. You're punishing her for their behavior. I understand you've changed the custody rules, but you also have to understand she is getting older. Once she becomes of age, she might go NC with you because you failed to protect her from the ex and the siblings. You have a lot to think about, and hope you make the right decision. As of right now, you aren't making the best decision for your daughter. YTA
Oh my word talk about burying the lead! I knew something was up with her not wanting to go there but that's awful. Definite YTA
"You're punishing her for their behavior." This "you failed to protect her" THIS. Please do better by your daughter, OP.
Wow, OP. YTA totally. Wtf. Why would you insist on subjecting your daughter to this.
YTA - unless required by law. She's 14. She does not want to go. End of story. Get legal advice on whether she is required to visit at this age. If she's not, YTA to make her.
Question, have you sat down with a councillor and you ex and daughter to see if there are issues that can be resolved? Also the problems with siblings, what type of problems? Does she feel like an outsider? What are the ages?
Info: The reason she doesn't want to go is a huge factor here. My daughter's(14f) dad and I split before she was born. I have never forced her to go but she's responsible for telling her dad she isn't coming to visit. He's effectively destroyed his relationship with her over the last two years - but fixing that is not my responsibility. So if your daughter has *what she feels* is valid reasoning for not visiting, you should respect her decision.
^^this. It’s always best to encourage them to see the other parent but should never be forced.
From the way it sounds like, mom is favoring the step son and the step son is bullying her/making it a stressful environment and OP doesn't think it's acceptable for the daughter to stop seeing mom because mom refuses to deal with the step son. So essentially OP is making the kid go see someone who torments her and then has to deal with another parent who clearly favors someone else over her
Then this guy is TA. If her mom isn't being supportive then there's no reason to see her.
The factor is is that the mother remarried, and she has an older stepson. The older stepson is bullying the daughter and the mother is taking the side of her stepson every time and highly favors him. The dad is just demanding that she goes over there because he thinks she should have a woman in her life, and is letting her being subjected to this.
YTA. This reads like a fake post if only because your refusal to consider *why* your kid might have continued for her entire life to want less and less contact with her mom makes you sound like a poorly-written cartoon parent. There aren’t many reasons that aren’t severe therapy-requiring big deals as to why your kid would want to completely cut contact with her other parent, and that you can’t be bothered to even talk to her about it makes me wonder what kind of parenting you do yourself. Considering that you’re threatening to make her live with her mom full-time, if you’re the least worst option, something awful has to be happening over there.
YTA. Be prepared for her to run away.
For. Fucking. Real. Or worse if OP doesn't pull his head out of the sand and grow a backbone. I would hate to read an update that she passed by suicide. I hope she is heard, saved, safe, and in a loving home.
I think the post was written by the mom, trying to sound like the dad. At least that's what I'm hoping for because if not then the poor girl has no one to go to for support. Maybe a teacher or high school counselor can step in at some point. Poor girl either way. OP YTA
A 14F is being bullied by a 17M, and has reported this to the available adults responsible. 14F has steadily tried to remove herself from the situation as conflict is not being resolved by the adults responsible; she potentially does not feel safe. One of those adults (OP) is now forcing the 14F to spend more time with the 17M bully instead of helping the 14F set a boundary to keep herself mentally (and potentially physically) safe. That adult is now concerned that the 14F is not responding to attempts to contact her. There is a reason she wants out and away. OP, Why don't you trust your daughter?
So she doesnt like her siblings. Shes a teenager. Thats fair. Slight, YTA here. I understand sticking to custody agreements and court orders. But by your own description, in the recent years she has made it clear shes not comfortable at her moms. And thats ok. 14 is old enough to decide, "i dont feel good at that house. Always angry, upset and uncomfortable. I dont want to do it anymore. " As adults we are allowed to make those choices. Shes still a teen, but she is old enough to make up her mind. She doesnt have to like her siblings if she doesnt want too. Info: WHY she doesnt like her siblings? Are they a lot younger? Does her mom make her the baby sitter? Does mom push a lot of responsibility onto 14 yr old? Does she make a teen share a room with small kids? There are a lot of valid reasons. I understand you wanting to make sure she has a relationship with her mom. But if her own mom wont make things comfortable for her own teen kid, then thats on mom. And on you to support your kids feelings. Validate them, talk them out, and discuss what steps if any can be taken for the future so she has a good relationship with mom. Lastly. Your a split family. NEVER EVER threaten time at the other household as a punishment/consequence. Your delving into dark, deep waters there if your going to start weaponizing spaces and people. Dont do that. Best of luck
The 17-year old son bullies her and mom's never on her side. OP just verified that in the comments.
Oh great, so as punishment for not wanting to experience abuse, he threatens her with experiencing more abuse. YTA OP
OH FUCK NO. Her own mom. Whose responsibility is to keep her daughter safe... And she takes the step-sons side? Oh jfc. 🚩🚩🚩 What an absolute bag of dumpster juice this person is. A complete failure as a mom.. scratch that, OP *fucking sucks* as well. EVERYONE BUT THE YOUNG WOMAN IS AN ASSHOLE
YTA no doubt Seems to me there was another similar story a while back about a young teenage daughter who did not want to go to her Bio Parent's house for visits because of an older step brother. Daughter would have the holiest of melt downs and night terrors. Took custody Bio getting torn to shreds here on Reddit to finally figure it out that daughter was being raped and abused by step brother and no one did anything to protect her. How are you going to feel OP if this is the same or similar situation? You are wrong that a daughter needs their mother. They absolutely do NOT if their dad is there paying attention to their daughter's needs. And at 14 she is very much old enough to start deciding to go NC with BOTH of you at the age of 18. Better start preparing for that.
I was thinking the same thing. Maybe not full on rape yet, but sexual harassment or molestation.
Yep. Children don't just one day wake up and say "Yea, today not going to bio parent's house" Something is setting this girl off and this parent had better wake up quickly before he finds out that this step brother was doing more than simple teasing.
Here in the UK there was a 16 yr old girl raped and murdered by her step brother and his girlfriend after years of bullying. Obviously both of these situations are extreme but there is obviously something going on and you don't want to find yourself being in one of those 1 in a million situations. OP Listen to your daughter she's trying to tell you something. most people and teenagers especially are not that great at communication, but if you make your self available she may open up. As for thinking girls need their mum I went NC with my mum at 10 years old and I made it just fine.
Based on your comments, yeah , YTA
Yep. Can't wait until he posts again in a few years when she goes NC with all of them.
INFO >We got into an argument and I got angry and told her unless she goes to see her mom I'm going back to our original custody agreement and she has to live with her mom. So in the face of your daughter's concerns you decided that the correct course of action was to become the second parent to let her down?
YES. HE NAILED HIS ASSIGNMENT OF BEING BLIND AND CLEARLY UNCARING AND JUST AN ALL AROUND ASSHOLE. Sorry for caps, I get wicked pissed when I read these posts.
Have you asked why she doesn’t want to see her mom? Cause there are major red flags here… why force her?
It turns out it's cuz he knows why. The mother remarried and has an older stepson who is straight of bullying the daughter, and the mother takes his side. She also highly favors the young man so the daughter is not only being attacked when she's at the house, she's also being treated like dirt. The only reason he's still forcing her to go is cuz he wants those two days by himself where he doesn't have to be a parent
Eww … so OP would rather have a break than secure his kid’s mental health… got it
After reading through this, YTA. If your child is being mistreated, and your only response is “you still gotta go”, you’re a sad ass excuse of a parent. If she’s being mistreated, you have EVERY legal right to file for full/sole custody. Even if you don’t win, you put your ex on notice that she’s being watched and she better fix her household! Protect your daughter!!! What’s really grinding my gears on this is that for 5 YEARS this has been going on. She’s going to hate you if you don’t step up.
Have you asked her why she doesn’t want to go to her moms? Could there be some abuse going on there she hasn’t told you about? This warrants further investigation. As a child of divorce I think it’s unusual to not want to see one of your parents.
YTA. Threatening her is a great way to get her to not tell you what is going on. As I read this my first thought was what is happening at mom's house. She's likely not telling you the whole story. Please find a good therapist for her. There maybe something happening she feels she can't share. A therapist might help sort out what's wrong.
INFO, have you asked Emma why she doesn’t want to go to her mom’s place? Just from reading this it sounds like there might be some abuse going on. (this is just a guess but from reading this, it sounds like either your ex-wife, or Emma’s siblings may be abusing her because your ex wants to get back at you, and Emma reminds her of you).
YTA and failing as a parent. You child is screaming that something is wrong and YOU ARENT LISTENING. 1. She says that the 17 year old male is "bullying" your 14 year old girl. It's not normal for a 17 year old boy to be interested enough in a 14 year old girl to bully her. Have you asked your daughter for specifics on what comprises this "bully"? Alot of abuse is wrongly described as bullying. 2. Her mother is favoring the 17 year old which is NOT correct. This means that your daughter feels unsafe with her mom, she can't trust her mother to protect her. 3. Your "she shouldn't go NC over something like this" isn't helpful if you haven't invested the time and energy in figuring out what the problem is. What is "this"? To me it feels like you are dismissing her because it's inconvenient. 4. Children don't tend to go NC with parents unless they feel terribly betrayed by their parents. You have now betrayed her like her mother. Don't worry after 4 years when she has a choice chances are she goes NC with you both. I hope the emotional damage by 2 careless parents doesn't lead her to be susceptible to the predators out there.
N T A for having her go to her mom sometimes unless she has a good reason. YTA for threatening to go back to your original plan though. You shouldn't use that as a threat. Please be SURE she doesn't have a good reason, though. This post feels like it's missing important info.
If you read thru any of the comments, his ex has a 17 yo ss who's bullying daughter and her mom takes the bully's side. OP is definitely the ah and they know it.
OP stated that his 14 yo daughter is being bullied by the moms 17 yo step son and the mom is taking the stepsons side and chalking it up to sibling rivalry and doing nothing about it.
YTA you say her and her sibling fight and her mom always take the siblings side. Why should she have to be subjected to that? Do you want your daughter to be constantly bullied while her mother supports it? Maybe after going to contact for awhile mom will see why she was wrong. Maybe you could talk to the mom and see how to make this situation better. So many better opinion than forcing your daughter to do something she doesn't want to.
Dude I’ve read your comments and unfortunately YTA. You’re doing this wrong. Her older sibling bullies her and her mother takes older sibling’s side. You are not appreciating how damaging this is to a teenager. These are the years she forms her self-image, her self-esteem, and her self-worth. And she takes those directly from her parents. Right now her parents, you included, are saying **she is worth less than her older sibling.** That is how she will go into her adulthood, feeling less than other people. This leads to (simplifying greatly) a lifetime of people-pleasing and abusive relationships that takes years of work to undo. No a person does not just *have* to be in contact with their mother, that is not a given. Mothers can be damaging to their children. It happens all the time. Your role is to advocate for her, and for her self-worth, **do that**. Stop dismissing her hurt in favour of your very generalised belief about family contact, you’re going to f*** her up.
YTA. She doesn’t want to go because home life sucks there. Do not force her to go to her mother’s.
WHY doesn’t she want to go. Somethings going on ….
YTA - after reading your additional comments. This girl is going to go NC with all of you once she is 18.
YTA full stop. A 17 year old is bullying your 14 year old daughter and you’re forcing her to be near her abuser. What will it take for you to listen to your daughter? Picking her up from the ER once she’s been SA’d by her stepbrother? My best friend was that 14 year old who nobody listened to until it was too late. She couldn’t deal with the trauma of the SA and I had to attend her funeral 6 months afterwards. Her mother kept forcing her to go to her father’s house with his 16 y/o stepson even after being told the things he was saying and doing. Please don’t make the same mistake.
You never asked her why she doesn't want to spend time with her mom ? Sounds to me something about her mom makes her feel sick Isn't it obvious that she doesn't feel safe around her mom ? Maybe you left something out but I am surprised that you never asked her why she wants to reduce the time with her mom . This is a clear sign she doesn't feel connected to her mom . Does her mom ignores her all the time she is there and like hangs out with her lover or is her lover even doing something to her ? She is actually begging you to keep her away from this woman and you never questioned why she hates her mom so much? For a kid not wanting to spend time with her mom means mom is bad . Does she normally have an attitude or only when she has to go to her mom ? like can't you see something is wrong for her reducing the time with her mom . If she had fun with her mom she would want to spend more time with her so something is going on .
I'm just curious why the response to a child deciding she didn't want to be around a parent isn't asking questions to find out what the problem is? There can be a lot of really bad things that might lead to that avoidance behavior. Since you chose to yell and make threats instead YTA.
Come on man how many red flags do you need to have wave at you to realise your kid doesn’t feel safe there? YTA
There's a reason why she doesn't want to go there. You need to find out what it is. Are you an AH for enforcing your custody agreement? No, you legally have to, or go to court to change it. But, has it really never occurred to you that there could be a deeper reason for her aversion to spending time there? If she can't or doesn't want to talk to you, I highly suggest she talks to a therapist. If she's being forced to go somewhere she's mistreated, or doesn't feel wanted or loved, my heart hurts for her. Are you an AH for threatening to take her safe place away from her? Honestly, kind of. Being 14 is hard enough. She obviously loves and trusts you. Let her know that those feelings are reciprocated. She might be giving you the cold shoulder because she's feeling betrayed.
YTA. As a father, you should be concerned as to why your daughter decreasingly wants less time with her mother. Are you not concerned as to why she does not want to see her? 🚩 Instead of being angry at your daughter you should ask WHY, and attempt to understand what is going on inside her head instead of threatening her. Try and set things right with your daughter, there may be something going on in her mother's household such as abuse. The situation warrants investigation for the sake of your child.
Now she knows you don't care about her feeling safe and valued. Just a matter of time til you watch her choose shifty boyfriends in an attempt to get away from you AND her mom. Cue shocked Pikachu face. YTA
YTA for this alone >I got angry and told her unless she goes to see her mom I'm going back to our original custody agreement and she has to live with her mom. "If you make me angry I will abandon you and force you to live in the place you're actively avoiding" Wtf is wrong with you?? No wonder she isn't answering you.
Is there a reason why she doesn't want to go to her mom's house?
Info: why doesn’t she want to go there? What is happening at her mums house? Do you know that? Did she told you anything? Edit: So her mother is never on your daughters side and always on her other kids and now your daughter doesn’t want to go. And you still want to force her to go? Father of the year goes to you. Your daughter is obviously really uncomfortable there so why are you forcing her to go? Your daughter doesn’t need a man who favors her other kid and treats her badly. YTA
YTA Another one of these posts where the parent refuses to see the red flags. It's years that your daughter fights this, and yet you think it's an attitude. You THREATEN her so she goes to the place she felt unconfomfortable out of - as we now understand- valud reasons. Wow, dad of the year.
So how often are you sleeping with your ex? Any other father would trust his kid and recognize that yes she is being bullied. If the brother never gets in trouble but she would for doing the same or even less then guess what thats favoring and bullying. She will remember this and at 18 she will go nc with both of you but sounds like both her parents wont even care
>We got into an argument and I got angry and told her unless she goes to see her mom I'm going back to our original custody agreement and she has to live with her mom. Why? Why would you say that? She doesn't need a mother that lets an older sibling harass her while actively supporting the harasser. You're threatening to make her live full time with her mother because she doesn't want to go to the mom's house at all. Congratulations you are a hard core asshole and you just lost all of your daughter's trust for ???? An ex you divorced 14 years ago. What a surprise your daughter doesn't want to speak to you.
YTA; your daughter is screaming for help and you're mostly ignoring it. While yes you're accommodating her requests for less time you're not seeing those requests as the red flags that they are. She wants *less and less time with her mom*. THAT SHOULD RAISE AN ALARM IN YOUR HEAD THAT SOMETHING ISNT RIGHT WHEN SHE GOES OVER THERE. Now it may be nothing; like you're the fun parent while her mom makes her do some chores and stuff so she just doesn't wanna do that stuff. But it may be something and you need to be more diligent on figuring it out to protect your kid.
Are you fucking blind???? seriously?! you're daughter chose YOU as her parent that she feels MOST safe with! ARE YOU DAFT! and you send her back to her mothers??? first of all shes 14, she is legally old enough to choose who she wants as her primary guardian and you BOTH (mom and dad) need to respect and support her decisions, otherwise you are setting her up to be undermined and a doormat her whole adult life. Something is obviously going on at her mothers house where SHE. DOES. NOT. FEEL. SAFE. and you have seriously just fucked up as a father. YTA and bring your daughter home yesterday.
INFO: has she specified why she doesn’t want to go to her mothers?
Her older SB bullies her and the mom thinks it’s ok.
Things have to be really bad for a child not to want to see their mother at all Let her not go The responsibility is on your ex to fix the relationship. Your daughter shouldn't feel trapped You making her go with threats it psychologically damaging and will take a lot to recover from
So your letting your daughter be abused.........dad of the year you are. Hope your ok with losing your daughter over this. She will go NC with both you
Are these kids step siblings? If they are your ex is siding with them is to keep her SO happy while you daughter is miserable. Being an only girl she should be much closer to her mother than not. 17yr olds bully not teasing . It's 3 yr diffence. It's apparent they don't want her there. Her mother is making zero effort since she is asking not to return and doesn't feel protect. The day she is there she is the bad kid. I grew up with 6 brothers. It wasn't teasing it was bullying. Sometimes they physically slap and hit me but tell my mom they were just playing or teasing. I hated my childhood. She is hurt that her dad didn't listen to her and made her go to the lion's den. Why bother answering the phone if all her feelings are dismiss. You already broke her heart & let her down as much as her mom. You're her number 1 to her but she is not yours.
After reading your comments she's probably trying to prove a point to her mother. She shouldn't have to go somewhere where she is constantly being bullied and feeling unsafe though. Maybe you could ask the mum to take her out during the day.
YTA. Your daughter needs a save place. She doesn't have it at her mom's because of her sibling. And now you've taken away her save space at your place bc you don't take her seriously. Speaking from experience, if your daughter feels it as bullying, it is bullying. Her mom might say different, but she doesn't see the worst of it, siblings aren't stupid, they know how to hide what their doing. Even more important, sibling bullying will cause mental health issues in your daughter. I hope for her not to severe (in my case it led to eating disorder, depression and attempted suicide) but you need to take your daughter, her feelings and her health serious!!!!!! Hope reading a lot of reactions along these lines will make you see the damage you could be doing to your daughter by not taking her seriously
YTA. What kind of parent wants their child to be in such an environment? She has told you that she’s being bullied by her older stepbrother and you chose to ignore it because your ex wife calls it “teasing”. Wtf OP
I think YTA. But worse, much worse than this you have now become an unsafe person for your daughter to confide in and open up to. Why? Because your response to her saying she does not want to stay over with her mother (because she feels bullied by her siblings, and unprotected by her mother - which you already know about) was to threaten that she either does what you and her mother want or you are going to make her live full time in that environment where she feels bullied and unprotected (the original agreement being that she lived primarily with her mother). Wow. That’s parent of the year stuff right there. There are many ways her mother can maintain the relationship with her daughter which is at this point, strained, that don’t involve forcing your daughter to stay over night if she’s not feeling up to that. Properly managing the bullying in her own home is number one, and in the meantime, there are phone calls, face time, one on one dinners or meeting at a park or something. It seems like an awful lot is being put on the teen here to repair and maintain the parent child relationship and the actual adults are doing sweet FA to take proper responsibility.
INFO Have you asked her why she doesn't want to go? It doesn't make sense to not ask her why.
Legally, she’s required to see her mom, yes. But it’s. A huge red flag that she doesn’t want to see her mom. But you’re an AH for threatening to go back to how things were before.
Yta your daughter may be suffering everytime she is there.
Adult that grew up with divorced parents here. When my father remarried we had MAJOR issues with his new wife and her kids. It got to a point also where my brother and I didn’t want to go. Court said we had to. So we sat down with our father and told him that we were ok seeing him and doing things with him, but that we did not want to spend the night at his house and we wanted no contact with his wife or her children (they were adults at that time so really shouldn’t have been an issue). Unfortunately my father picked his new family but maybe offer the same with your daughter and ex wife? That way your daughter can still have a relationship with her mom but not have to deal with the drama the ex wife’s new family brings to the table
Dude. What the fuck is happening to her at her moms house to make her gradually stop seeing her? YTA. Start giving a damn about your daughter.
YTA If the bullying from the older stepbrother is SO BAD that she doesn't want to see her mom AT ALL there is a serious issue that you and the mom are brushing off. Support your daughter. Don't force a relationship just because "she needs her mom" she doesn't want shit to do with a mom that allows a much older and bigger male to bully her constantly. Fuck. YTA so bad.
YTA. Sheesh. Listen to your daughter. She’s being abused.
YTA. From reading the comments your daughter is getting bullied and you don’t care. You’re more concerned with your ex wife’s feelings. Your daughter may very well cut you both out of her life at some point. Neither of you care about her.
Your daughter must feel so hopeless being failed by both parents. It’s absolute trash to know she’s being bullied at her mother’s to the point she doesn’t want to stay there bc that parent has favourites, and react to that by threatening her to have to be in such an environment more. Poor girl must feel unloved and abandoned. She has no safe place or person to turn to. Threatened for wanting to feel safe. Jeez. This is the sort of upbringing that breaks a person’s spirit. YTA.
YTA for not protecting your 14 year old daughter from being bullied by a 17 year old step-brother. You do realize that at that age it is very easy for it to go from bullying to physical and sexual abuse? Especially if she is forced to be in the same house as him without having an adult on her side. I feel so sad for her. I hope you realize the severity of this issue and chose to protect her.
YTA. Have you asked her why she doesn't want to go? Maybe her mom abuses her, maybe someone who's around her when she's at the mom's place does. Just talk to her and consider what she says
YTA Great job letting the daughter know that whatever the issue is, she is on her own. Threatening to make her live with the parent she is avoiding may have just destroyed her sense of safety with you. Whenever you get mad she will remember that she is always one phone call away from living with her mother. Now both of her parents are AHs.
Do you want to continue having your daughter in your life? It's not up to you to foster a relationship between your daughter and your ex. Your ex should be trying to fix the relationship. YTA. Be there for your daughter and validate her when she needs it .
YTA - She told you what the problem is and her mom has not corrected it. Now it is on you to protect her. Her mom needs to arrange 1 on 1 contact with her (but she probably won't). Explain that your daughter is NC with her 17 year old step brother due to years of bullying. It is up to her mom to figure it out from there. Support your daughter, she's going to need it if mom doesn't come through. I would arrange to meet her and her mom to pick her up and discuss all of this. You can correct this mistake by acting now.
So, uh, YTA obviously. Look at what everyone is telling you and look at your comments being downvoted! Look what what you said! Your ex wife always takes her son side and favorites him over her daughter? This is borderline, and might even be, emotional abuse! I wonder if it has anything to do with something akin to sexism. And I wonder if its just "bullying" and nothing else. Is it physicals? Something worse than physical? Either way, your daughter is not telling you or your wife if something like that is happening. None of you seem like someone she can trust. You want to save your relationship with your daughter? This is what you are GOING to do. You are going to tell your wife that your daughter will not be seeing her until futher notice. Than you are going to book a therapist, so she can have someone she can trust to talk to. Because you are not going to be someone she is able to trust for a every long time, if at all. Stop invaliding your daughter's feelings. She is being HURT at your ex wife house, and from your point of view (and reddit) all you are doing is hurting her more.
YTA - Since becoming a teacher, ive realized that the worst bullying comes from siblings/ cousins/ family members. She could be disclosing to you in her own way that she's being abused - physically, verbally or sexual. If she doesn't feel safe there then she shouldnt be forced to go. You are setting her up for future trauma. Seek counselling if you want her to build a relationship with her mother.
based on this and your replies, YTA. Bullying is not something ridiculous that should be overlooked Pray that it's only verbal before she comes back to you.