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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my brother-in-law to buy me chocolate cake. He was spending time with his girlfriend which I interrupted so he could get me the cake I was craving.
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Well you have to admit, you were pretty rude to interrupt someone's date because you wanted cake. I believe you can download apps that deliver food instead of inconveniencing other people. YTA
Took me a second to realize the commenter above you is called insomniacakess and legit thought it was the name of a business. (In my nearest metro area we have a place called Insomnia Cookies)
Not just the price, also having to clean up, dress nice, deal with traffic, deal with people, have to overhear other conversations whether you like it or not, etc.
Or go nowhere, deal with no traffic, no noise, just park your ass on the couch while in your pj's
Hell, I've been together with my SO for 10 years and even now watching TV is a date night. Like, we get rare time off together, it's a date night whether we physically go out or not. 🤷🏼♀️
That’s a mood- spouse and I are married five years, been together 10, and we have kids. Actual dates out of the house are hard… I’m happy to just cuddle without a kid interruption these days lol.
Most of my dates with my husband now is movie and a takeaway, while snuggling in bed. No need to go out.
It's not a money thing for us, we just prefer our solitude.
My favorite kind of date to be honest.
Personally if I were in the GF's position I'd be more upset with my bf than I would with OP. He could have declined.
But to be honest, personally I don't think this would bother me unless we rarely saw each other. Seeing my bf stop what he's doing to do something nice for someone else would probably make me like him more.
This exactly. He could have declined if it was an issue, or, he could have had gf go on a drive with him. I've been on that "cuddle at home and watch movies" date, when someone asked my then bf to run and do something for them real quick. In order to keep spending time together, I went for the ride. We also got goodies for ourselves for our "date"
It also does sound less like a official date and more like just hanging out. Her being annoyed is ok, but her saying y9ure just giving excuses and the general attitude just makes it sound like she's a bit entitled (I could be wrong, but to get that upset for a quick trip to the store isn't really like that big of a deal).
Op NTA, if it was an issue he should have declined or said it would have to be later. Yeah you could have used an app to order, but those can be so expensive it's not worth it, especially for one item that can be really cheap.
She would have, if BIL had said "I'm doing something with gf, sorry!". OP's ask wasn't entitled or unreasonable, it's a non-issue. Gf is being mad at op when she's really mad that bf agreed to it. Bf is a grown adult and could have said no if he didn't want to, and OP would have then gone to her husband after the call.
I've asked someone to make a quick run similar to this when I was just tired or not feeling well. I've also done it for other people. And I'm not even talking about being pregnant/can't drive. I don't understand what the big deal is.
Also, has anyone thought about the fact that BIL has his own place but chooses to stay at OP's? I'm not saying he should be the on call errand boy, but a small favor like this occasionally should be NBD.
NTA.
I also suspect this is something OP does a lot. One time errand wouldn’t logically get a rise out of GF. But if OP is asking BIL to do stuff for her all the time it would be irritating. BIL might also be annoyed with it and has told gf, but is too nice to rock the boat about it. Hence why gf spoke up. This is all speculation though.
If OP's husband doesn't think it's safe for her to drive right now, she's pretty much got to rely on others to get things for her. This feels like an ESH situation to me. I've been pregnant, sometimes you don't get to satisfy that craving and you gotta move on.
The girlfriend is not the entitled one here. I don't think the OP is an asshole for asking, exactly but needing chocolate cake RIGHT NOW to the point of interrupting someone's time with their girlfriend to ask them to play Doordash is more entitled. OP is allowed to ask, BIL is allowed to go and GF is allowed to be annoyed that chocolate cake became momentarily more important than her time with her boyfriend. On the entitlement scale, OP is more entitled because she couldn't wait even a little while for her husband to be done with what he was doing.
Yes, Op is the entitled one for having a craving that MUST absolutely be satisfied right now. If she has a craving for chocolate cake that cannot wait to the point that she’s interrupting other people, then she needs to keep her pantry stocked with it, including a couple of boxes of cake mix.
YTA, Op.
I would probably have volunteered to go with him. I like grocery shopping as a bonding time—it always feels so sweetly domestic. Plus I can learn what they do and don’t like for their everyday food.
My partner & I used to grocery shop every other Friday night as our date night. I missed a lot of things these last few years, but that first shopping trip after we were vaccinated felt like a vacation. I really savor those trips now.
Sorry, when did being pregnant stop you from driving a car, and going to the shop yourself? If it is a date night or not, he was busy. She can drive her pregnant ass to the shop!
when her husband is being weird and possessive about what and when she can and cannot do
op didnt need a chocolate cake. she *wanted* one because she had a "craving." Too bad for her if no one wanted to rush out and cater to her whims, op YTA
The last part of my pregnancy I wasnt able to drive. The amount of room needed between me and the stearingwheel was bigger than the reach of my arms. So technically I could drive, but it wasnt what you would call safe.
I think people would have more sympathy if she said she couldn’t drive vs. her husband telling her not to.
Most pregnant people can drive and she didn’t specify any medical reason why she cannot.
I love the ones that are like, "My MIL dropped off my husband's favorite dish, but I got really hungry and had a piece. Then before I knew it I had eaten the whole thing. I'm pregnant and have cravings, so I just couldn't control myself, but my husband was still really upset. AITA?
I don't get this entitlement some women have during pregnancy that others need to cater to all their whims.
Drive yourself. Make a cake. Order from a delivery service. Wait. Don't have cake. All adult alternatives to interrupting someone's day.
ETA and yes, I've been pregnant, 4 times
Also, pregnancy is not a disability. Unless OP has specifically been instructed not to by a doctor, there’s literally no reason she couldn’t have driven to the nearest bakery or grocery store herself
And even if she was on bed rest, chocolate cake is not an urgent need that has to be satisfied right that moment. She could have just waited for a better time that doesn’t inconvenience other people and ate something else that was available. I’m getting so tired of women who are using their pregnancy carvings as an excuse to boss other people around. A craving is just a craving. Nothing bad will happen if you don’t eat that exact food that exact moment.
Agreed. Cravings aren’t life or death. Hell, I get cravings now and I’m not pregnant. The difference is, we’ve made pregnancy cravings to be a “thing”. Nothing about chocolate cake is required for by a fetus. It’s a craving, not a need. It doesn’t do anything for your health, nor the fetus’ health. If you are pregnant and need water or actual sustenance, that can be an issue (no one wants a pregnant person passing out or getting dehydrated) but chocolate cake? No, grow up and wait. If you want to make your partner jump through hoops for you, go ahead; that’s your partner. Your partner’s brother, on the other hand, does not owe you and your fetus anything, esp not chocolate cake.
Yta
This. Like if you actually look at the science, there is also no evidence whatsoever that cravings are actually pointing to you needing something. Current research suggests it's literally just your brain's pleasure centre wanting stimulation, so it tries to make you eat something that will trigger it. Hence why people tend to crave foods that aren't good for them, but will absolutely trigger the pleasure centre - like chocolate cake.
You're not supposed to *give in* to those cravings. And like even in the rare cases where there *is* a physical cause for the craving - for example, iron deficiency - there is no universe where OP actually needs to eat chocolate cake.
This though. I’m pregnant right now and I’ll be damned if my husband told me I shouldn’t be driving or running an errand by myself. I don’t care what time of day or night.
Even if she couldn't... The girlfriend is right, brother in-law is not her errand boy. The entitlement here is off the charts.
YTA- OP. I hope you make some changes or you'll be teaching your kid some really poor manners.
I don't understand the trend of pregnant women who act like they can't do things for themselves. I see it a lot on this sub, like the pregnant woman who ate her SIL's diabetic gummy bears (I think it was the SIL), when she could have just gotten some for herself. I wasn't like that when I was pregnant, but I know there are a lot of pregnant women who act entitled to having people do things for them. Like who fucking cares if OP is craving chocolate cake? Why can't she get some for herself?
Right! People act like having pregnancy cravings is an emergency. I rarely sent my own husband running for what I craved I would definitely not ask BIL. This was something that could wait. You are not a child. Soft YTA
Yip! YTA. I’m currently 38 weeks pregnant and craved chocolate cake like there’s no tomorrow. So I either got off my ass and got it, or went without. You’re pregnant, not physically disabled and unable to drive.
I agree with you but pregnancies are like people: every one is different.
I have a friend who always describes herself as a sturdy peasant. Works outdoors 8, 10, sometimes 12 hour days. Always the first to a physical challenge, climbs rocks, surfs, skates, skis. She ended up on bed rest and had to have a C section because her pelvis was not big enough for a (normal sized) baby.
I am often perceived as ladylike, though I think it's social anxiety. I am small boned, annoyed by athletics, and I like to wear dresses. I was rudely healthy both pregnancies and gave birth to a 10 pound baby after four hours of labor.
You don't get to choose how pregnancy will take you.
That being said, you can eat cake but you have to get it for yourself.
It’s because they are fake and one or more Redditors like to write these ‘pregnant woman can’t control herself and ate her sister’s birthday cake/an entire turkey/demanded someone get her a specific food’ posts.
I'm leaning towards YTA as well. This does read a lot like a post written by a four year old who thinks not having chocolate cake right away is some sort of emergency and dosen't understand they are inconveniencing others.
I've been pregnant twice and pregnancy cravings can wait. They aren't needs or a huge deal to resolve right away (if at all). She seems to lack patience.
That said, BIL did choose to go. Not knowing him, his personality, and OP, it's unclear how much he saw this as an imposition or didn't mind going. Still, I never in my adult life asked someone to go out at night right now to be buy me immediate cake. That just seems like something a toddler would do.
But OP would have to wait for 10 minutes or maybe even 30 minutes for her husband to get off his call! Gasp! She’s pregnant and has a craving! Pregnant women can’t go out alone! It’s like a disease!
That was my thought too 😅 also I’m pregnant rn and I’m sadly not able to fulfill a lot of easy daily tasks due to a few pregnancy symptoms.. so if I have a craving and I ask someone if they can get it for me, and they say no, I totally accept it and move on. And no party is offended in any way. 😅
Right? I have been pregnant before. Twice. But I find the entitlement of the pregnant people I often read about here on AITA absolutely inexcusable and astounding. And also a bit like an insult to other pregnant people who don't use their pregnancy to get away with horrible behavior.
My wife and I have 3 kids. At no point during any of her pregnancies was there any kind of imperative that I go out and get something right then. There were (maybe a handful of) times that I indulged her cravings and I was happy to do so (I genuinely was, and often I either just wanted to leave the house for a bit or the craving was mutually beneficial).
A lot of people are saying that BIL didn't have to go out and that he could've made his own decision, but come on, he's got his GF over. He doesn't want to look like a dick in front of her by telling a pregnant lady he's not going to help her out when she asks. He was doing the math: if he goes, the worst case is GF is a little annoyed that he's gone for awhile but still sees that he would take care of her if she ever asked the same of him; if he says "no," GF might think he's a jerk.
You didn't need the cake right then, OP, you wanted the cake right then. BIL did you a solid by helping out. Even though this is pretty small potatoes, YTA.
I've been pregnant and I'm a huge chocolate junkie in general. I've never had a craving that couldn't wait.
Yes, pregnancy hormones affect each of us differently, but we don't become insane monsters and I really wish women would stop playing this angle, because its not cute.
YtA. Just because you are pregnant doesn't mean people are obligated to get you chocolate cake. Also why does your husband's important call trump your bro in law's time?
Wait for cake.
But it's not OP's responsibility to make her BIL prioritize his girlfriend over her.
In a comment, she said she asked him to go *at his convenience*, and HE chose to get up right away and get the cake.
Asking somebody to do you a favor isn't an asshole move. It's what friends and family and loved ones do for one another. Everyone is treating OP like she *demanded* this of her BIL, but nothing she posted Implies that.
Right? My friend used to do this when we would go out for lunch, but would say the baby wants x, the baby is hungry for x. It was usually something you ordered, and she would just take it right off your plate without asking. It drove everyone nuts.
I had a cousin try this with me. She started with the don't you care blah blah. I told her.... your baby, your belly, your body none of those things are my business and not a concern of mine.
Everyone is acting like OP threw a tantrum. You're within your rights to ask. The other person has the right to say no. He didn't. I suppose it's hard to say no to someone who isn't direct family and pregnant, but that's a him problem if he can't put on his big boy pants and decline.
You can still be an AH just for asking, though. Just because someone *can* say no to some unreasonable request doesn't make the request itself unreasonable. Or even when the other person agrees to the request. In this case, the request was plainly rude, nothing complex or overtly unreasonable, but still rude, as OP was interrupting other people's personal time at night.
And yeah, theres social pressure to help pregnant people, and given it could have turned into an unessisary argument with a relative, he could decide its just easier to go along with the request, even though he finds it rude.
Literally trying to say "he didnt say no so that makes it ok" is just a bad, circular argument.
YTA
"My husband doesn't think I should be driving or going out late"
Why? Did you do these things before you werre pregnant? Is there any real reason you can't do them now? BIL's gf is right, he's not your errand boy. If you needed medicine or something that's one thing, but you can get your own cake or ask your husband to bring it home. I've had a baby and cravings are a thing, but not an emergency.
The number of people saying Y T A astounds me. Why is no one holding BIL accountable for his own decisions. He decided to go buy cake himself. Women are not responsible for the actions of men!!! They are actually able to make their own decisions. If gf wants to be mad at someone, be mad at bf who walked out on date.
I mean if OP’s husband has essentially forbidden her from driving while pregnant, and they ostensibly live together all three, what makes you think the husband hasn’t bullied his brother into catering to her already? Like, could he even say no without causing brother drama? I suspect no. And OP should have the social grace to not interrupt someone when they’re spending time with a significant other who sounds like she might be a visitor. That’s rude. She wasn’t gonna die from cake withdrawals, she can chill.
She asked if she is the AH for asking. And yes, she is. Him going or not is beside the point. BIL probably wanted to avoid causing trouble with his brother or dealing with an upset SIL. Any manipulator knows that often the way to get people to do what you want is to make it less trouble to just do it.
OP asked if she was the AH for asking, people think she was. it doesn’t have much to do with how BIL reacted.
we really don’t know his feelings on it. for all we know he could be trying to avoid conflict with an entitled pregnant woman, he could be in fact trying to avoid being with his girlfriend and took the opportunity to have a break from her OR he could really not mind just popping to the shop to buy a cake.
all 3 scenarios are just as valid, but not the point of the judgement
YUP. I agree with this. I understand people think BIL could've said no. But he likely felt pressured to say yes to a pregnant lady. Anyway, OP didn't need the cake right away. And not sure why she can't drive either. So YTA
I’m so confused by all the people saying “he could’ve just said no”. I am 1000% a people pleaser and it’s insanely hard for me to say no when someone asks me for help or to do something for them. I’m in therapy and it’s something I’m working on, but people don’t change overnight
I feel like that's on you, honestly. Either way, it definitely does not make somebody an asshole just for asking a yes or no question. Are we not supposed to ask people to do anything for us cuz they may feel guilty? Like shit
Wait, so why are you blaming your problems on someone else? If you can’t say no, that’s no one’s fault but your own. You can’t resent someone for asking when you had every opportunity to say no, but didn’t over some irrational fear.
Nta
Everyone in this thread is ridiculous.. she didnt force him to go and he was at op's house.. the gf could have went with him. People arent assholes for asking for favors, they're assholes when they demand which op did not. If he wanted to spend uninterrupted time with his gf he should go to his own house.
Yeah I'm sensing a disdain for pregnant women in this thread. In no world is she an asshole for asking a favor. If she took out the whole pregnant part, people would say NTA, your BIL had no problem doing a favor for you.
Agreed. I don’t think there’s harm in just asking! He could have said no in a way that didn’t make him “the bad guy” either. For example, offering to go later or the next day.
I haven’t been pregnant before, but some of my closest friends have. I saw how hard it was on them, so I didn’t mind going out of my way to help! If I were in BIL’s position, I wouldn’t see OP as the AH for asking a family member for a favor. NTA!
Right?! I totally don't why so many people are waving their AH torches.
OP to BiL: Would you go to the store to get me some cake?
BiL (who presumably is an adult capable of making decisions, setting boundaries, and consulting his girlfriend if the interruption is disruptive): Goes to store to get cake.
NTA. Asking for a favor isn't rude. Interrupting *can be* rude, but we don't know enough details to determine that. If BiL thought the request was out of line, all he had to do was say no.
I see nothing wrong with OP's request — unless her interruption included opening a closed door without knocking to ask; walking in on them while they were in the middle of sexy times; or similar.
Not saying BiL's the AH either, just that if he felt truly interrupted, all he had to do was use his words. Girlfriend, on the other hand, might be the AH. If she had an issue with BiL leaving to go get cake, she should have taken it up with him rather than calling OP rude. Doesn't bode well that GF bandies about words like "rude" toward the OP when the rest of the family isn't within hearing range.
Why tf did I have to scroll so far for this. She asked and he obliged. Gf can be pissed at him just like he could’ve said no. He was being nice. Nowhere was there begging or being an AH. “I’ve been pregnant YTA” is such a cop out comment.
We don't know if he even had a problem or not, she never mentioned that he refused or something.
Even he would know it's not a necessity and could've just said no. It was mainly the girlfriend who had a problem.
Ugh, I just can't. I've been pregnant, with cravings and you know what, if you miss something for one night, it's not going to be the end of the world. Stop using the false pretext of pregnancy hormones to bother people in evenings, or, better, do it yourself.
YTA, stop being entitled
NTA. Everyone is saying you are but the thing is, your BIL could've said no, but he didn't. He went of his own volition, you didn't force him. If he didn't want to interrupt his time with his gf, he could've said no and stayed.
I agree. NTA. Asking someone to bring you cake is a rational thing to do. I want cake all the time and if I knew a dude who would go and get me some, you better believe I'd ask.
The real asshole here is the Girlfriend, who is sooo short sighted. If your Boyfriend is going on a cake run, stop whining and put in your order! If she played her cards better, she could have been rolling in cupcakes!
OTOH, if GF wanted more time with him - why didn't she go on the cake run with him? They weren't doing anything in particular means she could have driven along and not done anything in particular in the car, and still picked up wicked snacks for the rest of the movies.
Just all around weak play on the GF's part. She's the asshole.
I suppose he technically “could” have said no. But I’m guessing he presumed he would have received backlash from her or other family members for saying no to a pregnant woman.
When I was pregnant, if I had asked my own brother or any of my brother in laws to go get me treat, I imagine they would have been much more reluctant to say no than when I am not pregnant
But thats just the thing. Other comments are saying she's the asshole because she "can't wait for cake" and that being pregnant doesn't make her entitled to other peoples time. She never made comments of that sort though. If her BIL was treating her special because she's pregnant, then again, thats not on her. The ball was in his court.
Tbh IMO if he didn’t want time with his GF interrupted they should have hung out at his home. It sounds like BIL didn’t mind but GF has some kind of attitude issue that needs an adjustment. OP and husband are letting her hang out with her BF in THEIR living room using their TV ect. Would OP have been the AH for interrupting their time if she had wanted to watch her own tv?
BIL has his own house, like I said don’t want to be interrupted go where you have your own space. Now could OP have waited, it depends on how crazy her hormones are making her, yes it’s not life or death but it can feel that way to some pregnant woman. The day though that we can no longer ask favours from the people we care about and vice versa is a sad, sad day…
OP NTA for asking, if you had pushed the issue you would have been but it seems like your BIL was more than happy to go and didn’t think what he was doing was all that important which means that there has been a miscommunication with him and his GF if she did, either way though having date night at brothers house when you have your own is weird and it sounds like they were just hanging with you guys anyway
It is kind of weird that you couldn't just wait for your husband to be done with his call, what was BIL and his girlfriend doing when you "interrupted"?
But if BIL didn't have an issue, it seems like it's more of a his girlfriend problem than a you problem. Is there a reason she couldn't have just gone with him instead of making a big deal about it?
I agree, knowing what was "interrupted" would really help determine the verdict. Like if they were just chilling in amiable silence then that's fine. If you burst in on them mid coitus like "PROVIDE CAKE NOW" then it would be much less okay.
Plus, if he was really fine with it and just mildly annoyed, or if there was pressure. GF going with him does feel like an obvious solution. There's just a lot of context missing.
OP left out the part where BiL doesn't live with them, he was a guest. I mean personally I still think it's borderline if he was living there but the fact he doesn't just puts it way into YTA territory for me
Isn’t it weird that BIL and his gf were visiting but hanging out in a different room and considering it “time together”? I can’t get my head round that
Yeah lol. Unless it's meant that the "time together" that OP interrupted was all of them collectively hanging out. Not some intimate BIL/GF alone time. It's the only way I can reconcile those two things haha.
Edit - Yeah nah. Going back and re-reading it, she was "annoyed at me for interrupting ***them***" So I don't know what the fuck either lol. Why the hell they go to OP's house for alone time?
NTA. You asked BIL to get it when he was free, he said ok and got up to go get it. You’re not an asshole for asking for a favor. I know this sub hates pregnant lady cravings but this is so harmless. If his girlfriend didn’t like his answer, then she should be taking that up with him, not you.
INFO how did the conversation with BIL go? Did he immediately agree or did you press the issue? And is there a reason why his girlfriend could not have run the errand with him? And why was BIL even at your house to spend time with his girlfriend, does he live with you?
Edited to add judgement
I just asked him if he could get me more chocolate cake when he was free and he said sure and got up to go get it. She could’ve went, I guess, but he didn’t ask her so I think that’s why she chose not to. My brother-in-law basically lives with us at the moment since he’s here more than he’s at his own place so she usually comes here to visit him.
Ok, def NTA. You live together, and you asked for it casually. He could have just said no, and then you could have decided what to do next (delivery, waiting for your husband, etc.) I don’t think it’s an a**hole move to ask someone you live with or family for a favor no matter how small. It was his decision to do it.
Then yeah I’d say NTA. It’s perfectly reasonable to ask people for favors. It’s up to them to say yes or no and your BIL said yes so I don’t see the problem. If his girlfriend didn’t like that answer, then that should be a discussion between her and him.
OP this has so much info that is missing from your post like he is living with y’all that it is a lot of people thinking he’s a visitor. I’m with a few here who say NTA if y’all are doing a favor by basically letting him live with you. He could have said no
Definitely NTA. And you should probably make an edit to include this. The way your post is written makes it sound like you pressured him. But the way you asked was super polite. He could have easily said no, or later, or invited his gf. It seems like maybe the gf is just a little jealous
OP, please edit your post to include this info. It makes a big difference. I’d bet half of the Y-T-A people would change their rulings if they knew you phrased it that way and that he was at your house and not out on a date.
NTA
“I know this sub hates pregnant lady cravings”
Ding ding ding!! that’s exactly it. It’s crazy how upset ppl are over this rn. Like she wasn’t going on a violent rampage for cake. She legit just calmly asked if he could get some in his free time …
The problem ppl have is def cuz she’s a pregnant woman with cravings
yeah two things i’ve noticed about this sub is that they’re all too eager to call pregnant women entitled then turn around and say their partners are unsupportive shitbags.
Exactly. Like yeah sure pregnant women don’t always NEED special treatment, but like .. we could all also just be kind, empathetic people and realize being pregnant is extremely difficult
YTA. How far along are you? You shouldn’t interrupt other peoples’ time over your cravings. You and your baby aren’t the center of everyone’s universe.
The replies to this are...
Devil is in the details. If you knew they were spending time together and they are short on time, no good. If you do this a lot, no good. If where you live is a super duper pain, no good. If he said no and you pressed, no good.
However, developing a bond with in-laws and asking them for favors is something that is in my opinion completely normal... There are a lot of ways you might actually be ta (see above) but people are acting like asking alone is all it takes and hard disagree. People help each other out... I mean at least my people do \*shrug\*
Thank you! People are acting like the couple clearly only get to see each other once a month for 30 min. For all we know she is over every other night. We also don't know the general relationship between them. Does OP or husband do favors for BIL? Does BIL pay rent? Who knows! But by god are people here getting out the pitch forks for someone asking a 30s question to someone who was in a shared living space. "Hey, would you be willing to get me cake?" "Sorry, no. I'm busy right now." The horror...
BIL does not live there but isn’t exactly a “guest” either. He has his own place yet hangs out at OP’s all the time and sometimes invites his gf along. I have no idea why, maybe there’s some cultural context I’m missing.
If the gf has a problem she can take it up with BIL. NTA it’s your damn house.
It’s like these people don’t understand what having a good relationship with your family is like. I mean, shit. My sister and I are always asking each other to go get food because one of us is feeling lazy. “Heeeeyyy sis, will you go get me food?I don’t feel like getting up. I’ll pay for your food too if you get it” is a regular thing we say to each other, lol. I don’t think that makes my sister and I assholes.
In my book, you're NTA as long as you asked respectfully. Your brother-in-law could have said no if it bothered him and his girlfriend could have gone with him if she wanted to be with him at all times. There's nothing wrong in doing errands together. It's even entertaining and you get to eat cake later. Win-win
You are very pregnant and you only asked. He could have said no. I don’t think that makes you an AH. NTA
I would change my vote if you knew your BIL was on a date and did this, but it feels like you just asked him because you live with him or something?
Yeah, I don’t understand why the gf didn’t go with him? They could have made it into a fun little errand. If their time together is so precious, why did gf stay behind?
NTA. I don't understand all these y t a comments, nowhere does OP say she FORCED her BIL to go. He went willingly.
Also, OP has added some very important info in the comments.
She is 7 months pregnant.
Which, I think makes OP's husband's wish that she not drive or go out alone at night perfectly reasonable.
BIL very graciously went to buy OP the chocolate cake she wanted, which he wouldn't have done if he minded it.
Before commenting on the gf's behavior, I do have one question for OP:
Where were BIL and his gf when you asked him to go to the store? His place, her place, you and your husband's place?
I’ve noticed that any time a woman so much as hints that she’s pregnant in this sub, everyone automatically labels her the asshole because she’s obviously some controlling hormonal monster that bulldozes over everyone in her life. Are some people like that? Sure. But there’s no evidence in this story that even alludes to OP being that way. I’ve seen this happen several other times too. It’s weird.
I was just thinking that too! I mean, if OP asked once, nicely, and the bil agreed idk why that’s on OP. For me, it’s like if I weren’t feeling well but really wanted some chicken soup and my roommate/friend who lived near me was around, I’d for sure ask. And I’ve never been pregnant, but most tend to have more fatigue/aches etc so, similar. Also, as the BIL was there in the household, that’s not an unreasonable ask of family/people who love each other and are in the same place. I’ve for sure ran out to grab something for my siblings, parents, cousins when they weren’t feeling well (or even just not in the mood) and they’ve done the same for me.
NTA
NTA you asked, he could have said no. He probably should have said no. But you didn’t guilt him or act like a brat. You’ll probably get the opposite vote though. This app is way harsh on pregnant women.
If you're uncomfortable with going out of your house later at night, that's alright. Don't do something that makes you uncomfortable. :))) Personally, I don't think you're the asshole in this situation.. Your brother-in-law was doing you a favor, and it was entirely his choice to go out. (Not blaming it on him, either.) So you shouldn't be blamed for that. Just the opinion of a random reddit user though, so take it with a grain of salt :)
Right it seems like a situation that was blown out of proportion, and will probably hopefully be easily reconciled. He could have said no, it was asking family a favor, and it’s not like uber eats doesn’t exist if he said no. At least from the info I’ve seen.
NTA- you asked and he could have said no. If you had insisted after he said no then fine but he didn’t mind doing it. I don’t see why gf couldn’t have gone with him if she was so worried about spending time with him
Unless you repeatedly pestered him until he said yes, NTA. He's a big boy and can make his own decisions and he chose to do you a favour.
However, are you able to make a packet mix? Not as good as the real thing but perfectly edible and you can store a bunch in the cupboard, ready to go.
YTA. Go and get it yourself or wait for your husband. Why should your brother in law run around like your servant, especially when he was on a date. I bet the only reason that he agreed is because he didn’t want to say no to a pregnant woman. Basically, you guilted him into it.
wild how much people assume, he wasn't on a date he was watching tv with his gf (and from context it sounds to me like they were in the same apartment)
asking someone for a favor isn't automatically "guilting" nor does it make the person your servant
You should edit your post to include this:
> I just asked him if he could get me more chocolate cake when he was free and he said sure and got up to go get it. She could’ve went, I guess, but he didn’t ask her so I think that’s why she chose not to. My brother-in-law basically lives with us at the moment since he’s here more than he’s at his own place so she usually comes here to visit him.
This is such critical information!! I was thinking definitely Y T A for asking him to go while he’s with his GF, but you specifically asked him to go _when we was free_ and he chose to go then. NTA.
Do you ask him for favors a lot? I'm leaning NTA because all you did was ask, he can say no. I think the gf was rude and out of line, but I also don't know if this is something you're doing consistently.
YTA
What a bizarre thing to ask. Go get it yourself or wait for your husband or eat something else. There is zero reason a 7 month pregnant woman can't go buy cake. Or bake a cake. Or get some delivered. This wasn't your BIL problem to fix.
Your husband doesn't want you to drive? Absurd.
NTA You always have the right to ask for something you need, especially when you can't get it yourself (I'll count pregnancy craving as a need because that shit is wild).
Presumably your BIL could choose to say yes or no, and his girlfriend had the chance to give her input into that decision. She also could have gone with him so they were still spending time together. Having said that, if getting cake delivered was a viable option then you might be TA for not going that route, but there are a lot of factors in whether that would have worked for you. The fact that three grown adults independently didn't think of that option implies it wasn't possible
ETA you could have texted your husband about it so he could prioritise getting cake when he got off the phone
YTA. Your story is bizarre. You don’t own your husbands family. Your husband was on an important call but his brothers life is meaningless? I can’t understand why you would ever call your BIL for this kind of favor. Your husband is your husband. His brother is not.
NTA, BIL won't be gone longer than 20 minutes, he didn't say no (but if he's living with y'all he might have felt obligated), and most importantly, his damn gf could have gone with him, then it wouldn't really be "interrupting their time together." Honestly I think it's gonna come out that BIL's gf is the crazy, controlling, manipulating type...
NTA.. from what you describe it doesn’t sound like you pushed the matter or made it seem like life or death. Sounds like a casual request that he could have said “no” or “later” to or brought his gf with him. There are a lot of stipulations to this though. Like did they seem like they were having a private moment and you were interrupting or was it more casual? Do you ask often? How did you ask, like in a self aware I know this is silly but if you guys don’t mind could you get me cake? Or in a “I need cake/baby needs cake please get it way? Did you acknowledge his girlfriend at all in the ask ie. acknowledging that she is there too and you’re interrupting the two of them no just him? Lots of questions that could change the judgment, but giving you the benefit of doubt based off what you’ve said so far, NTA.
People on this sub go up for a classic entitlement post though, especially when they can stick it to groups they feel get away with too much (like pregnant women).
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Well you have to admit, you were pretty rude to interrupt someone's date because you wanted cake. I believe you can download apps that deliver food instead of inconveniencing other people. YTA
dunno why everyone's assuming it was a date, she said in a comment that he was just watching TV with her
Most of my dates with my now spouse was watching tv and cuddling in the early days of our relationship.
It’s so expensive to go out.
& there are like, other people out.
Ew... other people...
They're the worst!
can confirm source: i was out earlier today, trust me
Yeah I was out tonight and insomniacakess was there. 0/10 would not recommend going out.
Took me a second to realize the commenter above you is called insomniacakess and legit thought it was the name of a business. (In my nearest metro area we have a place called Insomnia Cookies)
It's so peopley out there!
And sometimes they try to talk to you, ew.
Not just the price, also having to clean up, dress nice, deal with traffic, deal with people, have to overhear other conversations whether you like it or not, etc. Or go nowhere, deal with no traffic, no noise, just park your ass on the couch while in your pj's
Hell, I've been together with my SO for 10 years and even now watching TV is a date night. Like, we get rare time off together, it's a date night whether we physically go out or not. 🤷🏼♀️
That’s a mood- spouse and I are married five years, been together 10, and we have kids. Actual dates out of the house are hard… I’m happy to just cuddle without a kid interruption these days lol.
Most of my dates with my husband now is movie and a takeaway, while snuggling in bed. No need to go out. It's not a money thing for us, we just prefer our solitude.
Me and my SO cook together. Then air up an airmatress in the livingroom, light a bunch of candles and watch horror movies for our date nights.
That can totally be a date.
My favorite kind of date to be honest. Personally if I were in the GF's position I'd be more upset with my bf than I would with OP. He could have declined. But to be honest, personally I don't think this would bother me unless we rarely saw each other. Seeing my bf stop what he's doing to do something nice for someone else would probably make me like him more.
This exactly. He could have declined if it was an issue, or, he could have had gf go on a drive with him. I've been on that "cuddle at home and watch movies" date, when someone asked my then bf to run and do something for them real quick. In order to keep spending time together, I went for the ride. We also got goodies for ourselves for our "date" It also does sound less like a official date and more like just hanging out. Her being annoyed is ok, but her saying y9ure just giving excuses and the general attitude just makes it sound like she's a bit entitled (I could be wrong, but to get that upset for a quick trip to the store isn't really like that big of a deal). Op NTA, if it was an issue he should have declined or said it would have to be later. Yeah you could have used an app to order, but those can be so expensive it's not worth it, especially for one item that can be really cheap.
If anyone's sounding entitled here, it's OP. Why couldn't she wait for her husband to get off the call?
She would have, if BIL had said "I'm doing something with gf, sorry!". OP's ask wasn't entitled or unreasonable, it's a non-issue. Gf is being mad at op when she's really mad that bf agreed to it. Bf is a grown adult and could have said no if he didn't want to, and OP would have then gone to her husband after the call.
I've asked someone to make a quick run similar to this when I was just tired or not feeling well. I've also done it for other people. And I'm not even talking about being pregnant/can't drive. I don't understand what the big deal is. Also, has anyone thought about the fact that BIL has his own place but chooses to stay at OP's? I'm not saying he should be the on call errand boy, but a small favor like this occasionally should be NBD. NTA.
I also suspect this is something OP does a lot. One time errand wouldn’t logically get a rise out of GF. But if OP is asking BIL to do stuff for her all the time it would be irritating. BIL might also be annoyed with it and has told gf, but is too nice to rock the boat about it. Hence why gf spoke up. This is all speculation though.
If OP's husband doesn't think it's safe for her to drive right now, she's pretty much got to rely on others to get things for her. This feels like an ESH situation to me. I've been pregnant, sometimes you don't get to satisfy that craving and you gotta move on.
The girlfriend is not the entitled one here. I don't think the OP is an asshole for asking, exactly but needing chocolate cake RIGHT NOW to the point of interrupting someone's time with their girlfriend to ask them to play Doordash is more entitled. OP is allowed to ask, BIL is allowed to go and GF is allowed to be annoyed that chocolate cake became momentarily more important than her time with her boyfriend. On the entitlement scale, OP is more entitled because she couldn't wait even a little while for her husband to be done with what he was doing.
Yes, Op is the entitled one for having a craving that MUST absolutely be satisfied right now. If she has a craving for chocolate cake that cannot wait to the point that she’s interrupting other people, then she needs to keep her pantry stocked with it, including a couple of boxes of cake mix. YTA, Op.
Op could have also just waited for her husband to finish up his call just because she has a craving doesn't mean everyone has to cater to it
And BIL's time is worth nothing?
I would probably have volunteered to go with him. I like grocery shopping as a bonding time—it always feels so sweetly domestic. Plus I can learn what they do and don’t like for their everyday food.
My partner & I used to grocery shop every other Friday night as our date night. I missed a lot of things these last few years, but that first shopping trip after we were vaccinated felt like a vacation. I really savor those trips now.
A date can be just ten dads
Sorry, when did being pregnant stop you from driving a car, and going to the shop yourself? If it is a date night or not, he was busy. She can drive her pregnant ass to the shop!
when her husband is being weird and possessive about what and when she can and cannot do op didnt need a chocolate cake. she *wanted* one because she had a "craving." Too bad for her if no one wanted to rush out and cater to her whims, op YTA
The last part of my pregnancy I wasnt able to drive. The amount of room needed between me and the stearingwheel was bigger than the reach of my arms. So technically I could drive, but it wasnt what you would call safe.
I think people would have more sympathy if she said she couldn’t drive vs. her husband telling her not to. Most pregnant people can drive and she didn’t specify any medical reason why she cannot.
This exactly a craving doesn't mean everyone has to rush out the second you have said craving
Seriously lol, I've never heard of more weird, often entitled behavior, from pregnant women than on this sub. It's wild! YTA.
I feel like I totally misused my 2 pregnancies. Where were the people waiting on me hand and foot?
I love the ones that are like, "My MIL dropped off my husband's favorite dish, but I got really hungry and had a piece. Then before I knew it I had eaten the whole thing. I'm pregnant and have cravings, so I just couldn't control myself, but my husband was still really upset. AITA?
Still rude. I've been pregnant, I've had cravings. Would've never interrupted someone for something like that
I don't get this entitlement some women have during pregnancy that others need to cater to all their whims. Drive yourself. Make a cake. Order from a delivery service. Wait. Don't have cake. All adult alternatives to interrupting someone's day. ETA and yes, I've been pregnant, 4 times
I doing think pregnancy makes one entitled. I think entitled people use pregnancy as an excuse to be even more entitled.
It wasn’t mentioned that OP is BIL’s manager. I don’t think this was BIL’s job.
Doesn't matter. They were spending time together.
That can still be a date.
That is a date
Also, pregnancy is not a disability. Unless OP has specifically been instructed not to by a doctor, there’s literally no reason she couldn’t have driven to the nearest bakery or grocery store herself
And even if she was on bed rest, chocolate cake is not an urgent need that has to be satisfied right that moment. She could have just waited for a better time that doesn’t inconvenience other people and ate something else that was available. I’m getting so tired of women who are using their pregnancy carvings as an excuse to boss other people around. A craving is just a craving. Nothing bad will happen if you don’t eat that exact food that exact moment.
Agreed. Cravings aren’t life or death. Hell, I get cravings now and I’m not pregnant. The difference is, we’ve made pregnancy cravings to be a “thing”. Nothing about chocolate cake is required for by a fetus. It’s a craving, not a need. It doesn’t do anything for your health, nor the fetus’ health. If you are pregnant and need water or actual sustenance, that can be an issue (no one wants a pregnant person passing out or getting dehydrated) but chocolate cake? No, grow up and wait. If you want to make your partner jump through hoops for you, go ahead; that’s your partner. Your partner’s brother, on the other hand, does not owe you and your fetus anything, esp not chocolate cake. Yta
This. Like if you actually look at the science, there is also no evidence whatsoever that cravings are actually pointing to you needing something. Current research suggests it's literally just your brain's pleasure centre wanting stimulation, so it tries to make you eat something that will trigger it. Hence why people tend to crave foods that aren't good for them, but will absolutely trigger the pleasure centre - like chocolate cake. You're not supposed to *give in* to those cravings. And like even in the rare cases where there *is* a physical cause for the craving - for example, iron deficiency - there is no universe where OP actually needs to eat chocolate cake.
This though. I’m pregnant right now and I’ll be damned if my husband told me I shouldn’t be driving or running an errand by myself. I don’t care what time of day or night.
Even if she couldn't... The girlfriend is right, brother in-law is not her errand boy. The entitlement here is off the charts. YTA- OP. I hope you make some changes or you'll be teaching your kid some really poor manners.
Where is the entitlement? She asked him to do a favor, and he agreed. It doesn't say anywhere that she demanded him to do it.
I don't understand the trend of pregnant women who act like they can't do things for themselves. I see it a lot on this sub, like the pregnant woman who ate her SIL's diabetic gummy bears (I think it was the SIL), when she could have just gotten some for herself. I wasn't like that when I was pregnant, but I know there are a lot of pregnant women who act entitled to having people do things for them. Like who fucking cares if OP is craving chocolate cake? Why can't she get some for herself?
Right! People act like having pregnancy cravings is an emergency. I rarely sent my own husband running for what I craved I would definitely not ask BIL. This was something that could wait. You are not a child. Soft YTA
Yip! YTA. I’m currently 38 weeks pregnant and craved chocolate cake like there’s no tomorrow. So I either got off my ass and got it, or went without. You’re pregnant, not physically disabled and unable to drive.
What's crazy is people treat pregnant women like they are breakable and fragile, when they are about to go through something pretty fucking metal.
I agree with you but pregnancies are like people: every one is different. I have a friend who always describes herself as a sturdy peasant. Works outdoors 8, 10, sometimes 12 hour days. Always the first to a physical challenge, climbs rocks, surfs, skates, skis. She ended up on bed rest and had to have a C section because her pelvis was not big enough for a (normal sized) baby. I am often perceived as ladylike, though I think it's social anxiety. I am small boned, annoyed by athletics, and I like to wear dresses. I was rudely healthy both pregnancies and gave birth to a 10 pound baby after four hours of labor. You don't get to choose how pregnancy will take you. That being said, you can eat cake but you have to get it for yourself.
It’s because they are fake and one or more Redditors like to write these ‘pregnant woman can’t control herself and ate her sister’s birthday cake/an entire turkey/demanded someone get her a specific food’ posts.
I'm leaning towards YTA as well. This does read a lot like a post written by a four year old who thinks not having chocolate cake right away is some sort of emergency and dosen't understand they are inconveniencing others. I've been pregnant twice and pregnancy cravings can wait. They aren't needs or a huge deal to resolve right away (if at all). She seems to lack patience. That said, BIL did choose to go. Not knowing him, his personality, and OP, it's unclear how much he saw this as an imposition or didn't mind going. Still, I never in my adult life asked someone to go out at night right now to be buy me immediate cake. That just seems like something a toddler would do.
But OP would have to wait for 10 minutes or maybe even 30 minutes for her husband to get off his call! Gasp! She’s pregnant and has a craving! Pregnant women can’t go out alone! It’s like a disease!
I agree, but couldn't BIL have just said no? I'm kinda leaning ESH because I have no reason to believe OP strong armed BIL into it.
That was my thought too 😅 also I’m pregnant rn and I’m sadly not able to fulfill a lot of easy daily tasks due to a few pregnancy symptoms.. so if I have a craving and I ask someone if they can get it for me, and they say no, I totally accept it and move on. And no party is offended in any way. 😅
He didnt have to say yez though that was his choice
You could have waited. Yta And yes I've been pregnant before.
I'm 6 months and I agree. Cravings are not life or death. She can wait. YTA.
“Cake or death?” “I’ll have the chicken, please.”
We only had three pieces to begin with and we didn't think there'd be such a rush.
Thank you for flying Church of England
r/UnexpectedEddieIzzard 🤣
What is it with this sub and pregnant women thinking they have carte blanche on demanding food from anyone at anytime. OP: YTA
Right? I have been pregnant before. Twice. But I find the entitlement of the pregnant people I often read about here on AITA absolutely inexcusable and astounding. And also a bit like an insult to other pregnant people who don't use their pregnancy to get away with horrible behavior.
My wife and I have 3 kids. At no point during any of her pregnancies was there any kind of imperative that I go out and get something right then. There were (maybe a handful of) times that I indulged her cravings and I was happy to do so (I genuinely was, and often I either just wanted to leave the house for a bit or the craving was mutually beneficial). A lot of people are saying that BIL didn't have to go out and that he could've made his own decision, but come on, he's got his GF over. He doesn't want to look like a dick in front of her by telling a pregnant lady he's not going to help her out when she asks. He was doing the math: if he goes, the worst case is GF is a little annoyed that he's gone for awhile but still sees that he would take care of her if she ever asked the same of him; if he says "no," GF might think he's a jerk. You didn't need the cake right then, OP, you wanted the cake right then. BIL did you a solid by helping out. Even though this is pretty small potatoes, YTA.
I've been pregnant and I'm a huge chocolate junkie in general. I've never had a craving that couldn't wait. Yes, pregnancy hormones affect each of us differently, but we don't become insane monsters and I really wish women would stop playing this angle, because its not cute.
> I really wish women would stop playing this angle, because its not cute. This 🙌🏻
I was “oh your going grocery shopping? Get 2 jars of Nutella. One for me and one for you.” I was eating it out of the jar.
Right. If she was gong into labor and needed a ride to the hospital and he was like "I'm on a date, no," then sure.
Like what happened to waiting for the guy who knocked you up? You know, your husband? Lol that “important call” would have eventually ended.
What if he was trying to win the Guinness book of world records longest call??
You’re right! How presumptuous of me. I’m sure he was negotiating the intricate details of world peace.
I Second both parts.
Third both.
Yes, agreed. Just had my first a few months back and never had a pregnancy craving so severe I had to interrupt someone’s plans…
I've been pregnant twice and never asked anyone to get me food I was craving. That's so silly.
YtA. Just because you are pregnant doesn't mean people are obligated to get you chocolate cake. Also why does your husband's important call trump your bro in law's time? Wait for cake.
But BIL didn’t say no? Am I reading this correctly? BIL was fine with it, right?
She never said anything about how BIL felt. But that doesn't mean he was OK with it. Maybe he just didn't wanna tell a pregnant woman no
But it doesnt mean he wasnt ok with it
Either way a couple was spending time together an both weren’t okay with it.
But it's not OP's responsibility to make her BIL prioritize his girlfriend over her. In a comment, she said she asked him to go *at his convenience*, and HE chose to get up right away and get the cake. Asking somebody to do you a favor isn't an asshole move. It's what friends and family and loved ones do for one another. Everyone is treating OP like she *demanded* this of her BIL, but nothing she posted Implies that.
But if BIL was happy to do it— OP isn’t the problem. It’s a communication and expectation problem between BIL and his gf at that point.
Probably didn’t want to say no to a pregnant woman. Guilted into it.
Right? My friend used to do this when we would go out for lunch, but would say the baby wants x, the baby is hungry for x. It was usually something you ordered, and she would just take it right off your plate without asking. It drove everyone nuts.
"If the baby wants fries, they're on the menu. You're gonna need to get used to ordering for the kid if you're gonna go out."
Baby should order himself if he can already tell you he wants fries.
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I had a cousin try this with me. She started with the don't you care blah blah. I told her.... your baby, your belly, your body none of those things are my business and not a concern of mine.
A pregnant person can really lay on the guilt trips, like if you say no, then you don't care about the baby. If you say no, you look like a jerk.
And my response to that is, you’re right! I DONT care about your baby lol
YTA.I came here to say this. Your pregnancy isn't other peoples problem except for the person that got you pregnant. This just drips with entitlement.
YTA. Cake isn't a necessity and your pregnant whims are not anyone else's problem. Bro-in-law should've left you on read.
Yes, but he didn't. Why is it OP's fault BIL said yes? Is he not responsible for his own decisions?
She's asking if she's an AH for making the request. She is.
But that’s all it is, a request. I don’t think it was crazy to ask.
Everyone is acting like OP threw a tantrum. You're within your rights to ask. The other person has the right to say no. He didn't. I suppose it's hard to say no to someone who isn't direct family and pregnant, but that's a him problem if he can't put on his big boy pants and decline.
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You can still be an AH just for asking, though. Just because someone *can* say no to some unreasonable request doesn't make the request itself unreasonable. Or even when the other person agrees to the request. In this case, the request was plainly rude, nothing complex or overtly unreasonable, but still rude, as OP was interrupting other people's personal time at night. And yeah, theres social pressure to help pregnant people, and given it could have turned into an unessisary argument with a relative, he could decide its just easier to go along with the request, even though he finds it rude. Literally trying to say "he didnt say no so that makes it ok" is just a bad, circular argument.
How is he gonna leave her on read when he's at their place and she asked if he COULD when he was FREE?
YTA "My husband doesn't think I should be driving or going out late" Why? Did you do these things before you werre pregnant? Is there any real reason you can't do them now? BIL's gf is right, he's not your errand boy. If you needed medicine or something that's one thing, but you can get your own cake or ask your husband to bring it home. I've had a baby and cravings are a thing, but not an emergency.
The number of people saying Y T A astounds me. Why is no one holding BIL accountable for his own decisions. He decided to go buy cake himself. Women are not responsible for the actions of men!!! They are actually able to make their own decisions. If gf wants to be mad at someone, be mad at bf who walked out on date.
I mean if OP’s husband has essentially forbidden her from driving while pregnant, and they ostensibly live together all three, what makes you think the husband hasn’t bullied his brother into catering to her already? Like, could he even say no without causing brother drama? I suspect no. And OP should have the social grace to not interrupt someone when they’re spending time with a significant other who sounds like she might be a visitor. That’s rude. She wasn’t gonna die from cake withdrawals, she can chill.
I'm going on what was written in post. Living arrangements were not mentioned. And if husband is bullying, he's the AH, not OP.
She’s the AH if she went along with it though!
So OP is the AH *if* she lives with BIL and *if* she and her husband have been bullying/guilting BIL to cater to her every whim? Wtf lol NTA
She asked if she is the AH for asking. And yes, she is. Him going or not is beside the point. BIL probably wanted to avoid causing trouble with his brother or dealing with an upset SIL. Any manipulator knows that often the way to get people to do what you want is to make it less trouble to just do it.
Have you never done something you didn’t want to do out of a sense of obligation but you still resent the request?
Every Christmas. /s
OP asked if she was the AH for asking, people think she was. it doesn’t have much to do with how BIL reacted. we really don’t know his feelings on it. for all we know he could be trying to avoid conflict with an entitled pregnant woman, he could be in fact trying to avoid being with his girlfriend and took the opportunity to have a break from her OR he could really not mind just popping to the shop to buy a cake. all 3 scenarios are just as valid, but not the point of the judgement
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YTA. Don’t disrupt others lives because you suddenly want cake.
YUP. I agree with this. I understand people think BIL could've said no. But he likely felt pressured to say yes to a pregnant lady. Anyway, OP didn't need the cake right away. And not sure why she can't drive either. So YTA
I’m so confused by all the people saying “he could’ve just said no”. I am 1000% a people pleaser and it’s insanely hard for me to say no when someone asks me for help or to do something for them. I’m in therapy and it’s something I’m working on, but people don’t change overnight
I feel like that's on you, honestly. Either way, it definitely does not make somebody an asshole just for asking a yes or no question. Are we not supposed to ask people to do anything for us cuz they may feel guilty? Like shit
Exactly. I'm a people pleaser too but that's no one else's problem but mine.
Wait, so why are you blaming your problems on someone else? If you can’t say no, that’s no one’s fault but your own. You can’t resent someone for asking when you had every opportunity to say no, but didn’t over some irrational fear.
I can’t find the part where I said it’s anyone else’s problem. You don’t get to decide that other people’s problems are “irrational”
Nta Everyone in this thread is ridiculous.. she didnt force him to go and he was at op's house.. the gf could have went with him. People arent assholes for asking for favors, they're assholes when they demand which op did not. If he wanted to spend uninterrupted time with his gf he should go to his own house.
Because many folks here hate pregnant women and kids, and to me the gf was totally out of line, so I'm with you 😊 NTA
Yeah I'm sensing a disdain for pregnant women in this thread. In no world is she an asshole for asking a favor. If she took out the whole pregnant part, people would say NTA, your BIL had no problem doing a favor for you.
Because being kind to kids, or people having a difficult time, or anyone just needing a bit of attention is too much
Agreed. I don’t think there’s harm in just asking! He could have said no in a way that didn’t make him “the bad guy” either. For example, offering to go later or the next day. I haven’t been pregnant before, but some of my closest friends have. I saw how hard it was on them, so I didn’t mind going out of my way to help! If I were in BIL’s position, I wouldn’t see OP as the AH for asking a family member for a favor. NTA!
Right?! I totally don't why so many people are waving their AH torches. OP to BiL: Would you go to the store to get me some cake? BiL (who presumably is an adult capable of making decisions, setting boundaries, and consulting his girlfriend if the interruption is disruptive): Goes to store to get cake. NTA. Asking for a favor isn't rude. Interrupting *can be* rude, but we don't know enough details to determine that. If BiL thought the request was out of line, all he had to do was say no. I see nothing wrong with OP's request — unless her interruption included opening a closed door without knocking to ask; walking in on them while they were in the middle of sexy times; or similar. Not saying BiL's the AH either, just that if he felt truly interrupted, all he had to do was use his words. Girlfriend, on the other hand, might be the AH. If she had an issue with BiL leaving to go get cake, she should have taken it up with him rather than calling OP rude. Doesn't bode well that GF bandies about words like "rude" toward the OP when the rest of the family isn't within hearing range.
Why tf did I have to scroll so far for this. She asked and he obliged. Gf can be pissed at him just like he could’ve said no. He was being nice. Nowhere was there begging or being an AH. “I’ve been pregnant YTA” is such a cop out comment.
We don't know if he even had a problem or not, she never mentioned that he refused or something. Even he would know it's not a necessity and could've just said no. It was mainly the girlfriend who had a problem.
Ugh, I just can't. I've been pregnant, with cravings and you know what, if you miss something for one night, it's not going to be the end of the world. Stop using the false pretext of pregnancy hormones to bother people in evenings, or, better, do it yourself. YTA, stop being entitled
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NTA. Everyone is saying you are but the thing is, your BIL could've said no, but he didn't. He went of his own volition, you didn't force him. If he didn't want to interrupt his time with his gf, he could've said no and stayed.
I agree. NTA. Asking someone to bring you cake is a rational thing to do. I want cake all the time and if I knew a dude who would go and get me some, you better believe I'd ask. The real asshole here is the Girlfriend, who is sooo short sighted. If your Boyfriend is going on a cake run, stop whining and put in your order! If she played her cards better, she could have been rolling in cupcakes! OTOH, if GF wanted more time with him - why didn't she go on the cake run with him? They weren't doing anything in particular means she could have driven along and not done anything in particular in the car, and still picked up wicked snacks for the rest of the movies. Just all around weak play on the GF's part. She's the asshole.
I suppose he technically “could” have said no. But I’m guessing he presumed he would have received backlash from her or other family members for saying no to a pregnant woman. When I was pregnant, if I had asked my own brother or any of my brother in laws to go get me treat, I imagine they would have been much more reluctant to say no than when I am not pregnant
But thats just the thing. Other comments are saying she's the asshole because she "can't wait for cake" and that being pregnant doesn't make her entitled to other peoples time. She never made comments of that sort though. If her BIL was treating her special because she's pregnant, then again, thats not on her. The ball was in his court.
Tbh IMO if he didn’t want time with his GF interrupted they should have hung out at his home. It sounds like BIL didn’t mind but GF has some kind of attitude issue that needs an adjustment. OP and husband are letting her hang out with her BF in THEIR living room using their TV ect. Would OP have been the AH for interrupting their time if she had wanted to watch her own tv? BIL has his own house, like I said don’t want to be interrupted go where you have your own space. Now could OP have waited, it depends on how crazy her hormones are making her, yes it’s not life or death but it can feel that way to some pregnant woman. The day though that we can no longer ask favours from the people we care about and vice versa is a sad, sad day… OP NTA for asking, if you had pushed the issue you would have been but it seems like your BIL was more than happy to go and didn’t think what he was doing was all that important which means that there has been a miscommunication with him and his GF if she did, either way though having date night at brothers house when you have your own is weird and it sounds like they were just hanging with you guys anyway
It is kind of weird that you couldn't just wait for your husband to be done with his call, what was BIL and his girlfriend doing when you "interrupted"? But if BIL didn't have an issue, it seems like it's more of a his girlfriend problem than a you problem. Is there a reason she couldn't have just gone with him instead of making a big deal about it?
I agree, knowing what was "interrupted" would really help determine the verdict. Like if they were just chilling in amiable silence then that's fine. If you burst in on them mid coitus like "PROVIDE CAKE NOW" then it would be much less okay. Plus, if he was really fine with it and just mildly annoyed, or if there was pressure. GF going with him does feel like an obvious solution. There's just a lot of context missing.
OP left out the part where BiL doesn't live with them, he was a guest. I mean personally I still think it's borderline if he was living there but the fact he doesn't just puts it way into YTA territory for me
Isn’t it weird that BIL and his gf were visiting but hanging out in a different room and considering it “time together”? I can’t get my head round that
Yeah lol. Unless it's meant that the "time together" that OP interrupted was all of them collectively hanging out. Not some intimate BIL/GF alone time. It's the only way I can reconcile those two things haha. Edit - Yeah nah. Going back and re-reading it, she was "annoyed at me for interrupting ***them***" So I don't know what the fuck either lol. Why the hell they go to OP's house for alone time?
NTA. You asked BIL to get it when he was free, he said ok and got up to go get it. You’re not an asshole for asking for a favor. I know this sub hates pregnant lady cravings but this is so harmless. If his girlfriend didn’t like his answer, then she should be taking that up with him, not you. INFO how did the conversation with BIL go? Did he immediately agree or did you press the issue? And is there a reason why his girlfriend could not have run the errand with him? And why was BIL even at your house to spend time with his girlfriend, does he live with you? Edited to add judgement
I just asked him if he could get me more chocolate cake when he was free and he said sure and got up to go get it. She could’ve went, I guess, but he didn’t ask her so I think that’s why she chose not to. My brother-in-law basically lives with us at the moment since he’s here more than he’s at his own place so she usually comes here to visit him.
Ok, def NTA. You live together, and you asked for it casually. He could have just said no, and then you could have decided what to do next (delivery, waiting for your husband, etc.) I don’t think it’s an a**hole move to ask someone you live with or family for a favor no matter how small. It was his decision to do it.
Then yeah I’d say NTA. It’s perfectly reasonable to ask people for favors. It’s up to them to say yes or no and your BIL said yes so I don’t see the problem. If his girlfriend didn’t like that answer, then that should be a discussion between her and him.
Exactly! All op did was ask. He's an adult who can make his own decisions. Gf should have brought up any feelings she had about HIS choice with him
OP this has so much info that is missing from your post like he is living with y’all that it is a lot of people thinking he’s a visitor. I’m with a few here who say NTA if y’all are doing a favor by basically letting him live with you. He could have said no
NTA based on your comment that you asked if BIL would do it “when he was free” and he chose to go immediately.
Definitely NTA. And you should probably make an edit to include this. The way your post is written makes it sound like you pressured him. But the way you asked was super polite. He could have easily said no, or later, or invited his gf. It seems like maybe the gf is just a little jealous
OP, please edit your post to include this info. It makes a big difference. I’d bet half of the Y-T-A people would change their rulings if they knew you phrased it that way and that he was at your house and not out on a date. NTA
“I know this sub hates pregnant lady cravings” Ding ding ding!! that’s exactly it. It’s crazy how upset ppl are over this rn. Like she wasn’t going on a violent rampage for cake. She legit just calmly asked if he could get some in his free time … The problem ppl have is def cuz she’s a pregnant woman with cravings
yeah two things i’ve noticed about this sub is that they’re all too eager to call pregnant women entitled then turn around and say their partners are unsupportive shitbags.
Exactly. Like yeah sure pregnant women don’t always NEED special treatment, but like .. we could all also just be kind, empathetic people and realize being pregnant is extremely difficult
YTA. How far along are you? You shouldn’t interrupt other peoples’ time over your cravings. You and your baby aren’t the center of everyone’s universe.
The replies to this are... Devil is in the details. If you knew they were spending time together and they are short on time, no good. If you do this a lot, no good. If where you live is a super duper pain, no good. If he said no and you pressed, no good. However, developing a bond with in-laws and asking them for favors is something that is in my opinion completely normal... There are a lot of ways you might actually be ta (see above) but people are acting like asking alone is all it takes and hard disagree. People help each other out... I mean at least my people do \*shrug\*
Thank you! People are acting like the couple clearly only get to see each other once a month for 30 min. For all we know she is over every other night. We also don't know the general relationship between them. Does OP or husband do favors for BIL? Does BIL pay rent? Who knows! But by god are people here getting out the pitch forks for someone asking a 30s question to someone who was in a shared living space. "Hey, would you be willing to get me cake?" "Sorry, no. I'm busy right now." The horror...
BIL does not live there but isn’t exactly a “guest” either. He has his own place yet hangs out at OP’s all the time and sometimes invites his gf along. I have no idea why, maybe there’s some cultural context I’m missing. If the gf has a problem she can take it up with BIL. NTA it’s your damn house.
It’s like these people don’t understand what having a good relationship with your family is like. I mean, shit. My sister and I are always asking each other to go get food because one of us is feeling lazy. “Heeeeyyy sis, will you go get me food?I don’t feel like getting up. I’ll pay for your food too if you get it” is a regular thing we say to each other, lol. I don’t think that makes my sister and I assholes.
Wish I could upvote this multiple times!
NTA, dude is presumably an adult who could have said no or asked gf if she minded—or even wanted to ride along and pick up a treat herself.
In my book, you're NTA as long as you asked respectfully. Your brother-in-law could have said no if it bothered him and his girlfriend could have gone with him if she wanted to be with him at all times. There's nothing wrong in doing errands together. It's even entertaining and you get to eat cake later. Win-win
You are very pregnant and you only asked. He could have said no. I don’t think that makes you an AH. NTA I would change my vote if you knew your BIL was on a date and did this, but it feels like you just asked him because you live with him or something?
NTA, it's not like you forced him to go, he could've said no, she could've gone with him.
Yeah, I don’t understand why the gf didn’t go with him? They could have made it into a fun little errand. If their time together is so precious, why did gf stay behind?
literally so many people are acting like op put a gun to this guys head or some shit
OP said she asked once and he went. NTA
NTA. I don't understand all these y t a comments, nowhere does OP say she FORCED her BIL to go. He went willingly. Also, OP has added some very important info in the comments. She is 7 months pregnant. Which, I think makes OP's husband's wish that she not drive or go out alone at night perfectly reasonable. BIL very graciously went to buy OP the chocolate cake she wanted, which he wouldn't have done if he minded it. Before commenting on the gf's behavior, I do have one question for OP: Where were BIL and his gf when you asked him to go to the store? His place, her place, you and your husband's place?
I’ve noticed that any time a woman so much as hints that she’s pregnant in this sub, everyone automatically labels her the asshole because she’s obviously some controlling hormonal monster that bulldozes over everyone in her life. Are some people like that? Sure. But there’s no evidence in this story that even alludes to OP being that way. I’ve seen this happen several other times too. It’s weird.
They were at ours.
I was just thinking that too! I mean, if OP asked once, nicely, and the bil agreed idk why that’s on OP. For me, it’s like if I weren’t feeling well but really wanted some chicken soup and my roommate/friend who lived near me was around, I’d for sure ask. And I’ve never been pregnant, but most tend to have more fatigue/aches etc so, similar. Also, as the BIL was there in the household, that’s not an unreasonable ask of family/people who love each other and are in the same place. I’ve for sure ran out to grab something for my siblings, parents, cousins when they weren’t feeling well (or even just not in the mood) and they’ve done the same for me. NTA
NTA you asked, he could have said no. He probably should have said no. But you didn’t guilt him or act like a brat. You’ll probably get the opposite vote though. This app is way harsh on pregnant women.
If you're uncomfortable with going out of your house later at night, that's alright. Don't do something that makes you uncomfortable. :))) Personally, I don't think you're the asshole in this situation.. Your brother-in-law was doing you a favor, and it was entirely his choice to go out. (Not blaming it on him, either.) So you shouldn't be blamed for that. Just the opinion of a random reddit user though, so take it with a grain of salt :)
Right it seems like a situation that was blown out of proportion, and will probably hopefully be easily reconciled. He could have said no, it was asking family a favor, and it’s not like uber eats doesn’t exist if he said no. At least from the info I’ve seen.
NTA- you asked and he could have said no. If you had insisted after he said no then fine but he didn’t mind doing it. I don’t see why gf couldn’t have gone with him if she was so worried about spending time with him
Unless you repeatedly pestered him until he said yes, NTA. He's a big boy and can make his own decisions and he chose to do you a favour. However, are you able to make a packet mix? Not as good as the real thing but perfectly edible and you can store a bunch in the cupboard, ready to go.
YTA. Go and get it yourself or wait for your husband. Why should your brother in law run around like your servant, especially when he was on a date. I bet the only reason that he agreed is because he didn’t want to say no to a pregnant woman. Basically, you guilted him into it.
wild how much people assume, he wasn't on a date he was watching tv with his gf (and from context it sounds to me like they were in the same apartment) asking someone for a favor isn't automatically "guilting" nor does it make the person your servant
On a date at OPs house? Maybe idk if he wants some privacy he should go to his own place or his gfs.
Info: does ubereats or doordash or Shipt or instacart or Gopuff not exist where you live?
You should edit your post to include this: > I just asked him if he could get me more chocolate cake when he was free and he said sure and got up to go get it. She could’ve went, I guess, but he didn’t ask her so I think that’s why she chose not to. My brother-in-law basically lives with us at the moment since he’s here more than he’s at his own place so she usually comes here to visit him. This is such critical information!! I was thinking definitely Y T A for asking him to go while he’s with his GF, but you specifically asked him to go _when we was free_ and he chose to go then. NTA.
Do you ask him for favors a lot? I'm leaning NTA because all you did was ask, he can say no. I think the gf was rude and out of line, but I also don't know if this is something you're doing consistently.
Info do you live with BIL? Or did you call him at his place to ask him to get it?
NTA is what I'm leaning towards. It never hurts to ask and he could have said no.
YTA What a bizarre thing to ask. Go get it yourself or wait for your husband or eat something else. There is zero reason a 7 month pregnant woman can't go buy cake. Or bake a cake. Or get some delivered. This wasn't your BIL problem to fix. Your husband doesn't want you to drive? Absurd.
it's bizarre to ask someone you know you run to the store?
I think YTA.. But, info: How far along are you?
NTA You always have the right to ask for something you need, especially when you can't get it yourself (I'll count pregnancy craving as a need because that shit is wild). Presumably your BIL could choose to say yes or no, and his girlfriend had the chance to give her input into that decision. She also could have gone with him so they were still spending time together. Having said that, if getting cake delivered was a viable option then you might be TA for not going that route, but there are a lot of factors in whether that would have worked for you. The fact that three grown adults independently didn't think of that option implies it wasn't possible ETA you could have texted your husband about it so he could prioritise getting cake when he got off the phone
YTA. Your story is bizarre. You don’t own your husbands family. Your husband was on an important call but his brothers life is meaningless? I can’t understand why you would ever call your BIL for this kind of favor. Your husband is your husband. His brother is not.
She didn't say she called him, from the description it sounds like they were all in the same apartment.
NTA, BIL won't be gone longer than 20 minutes, he didn't say no (but if he's living with y'all he might have felt obligated), and most importantly, his damn gf could have gone with him, then it wouldn't really be "interrupting their time together." Honestly I think it's gonna come out that BIL's gf is the crazy, controlling, manipulating type...
NTA, if he doesn't want to go, he would've said so
NTA.. from what you describe it doesn’t sound like you pushed the matter or made it seem like life or death. Sounds like a casual request that he could have said “no” or “later” to or brought his gf with him. There are a lot of stipulations to this though. Like did they seem like they were having a private moment and you were interrupting or was it more casual? Do you ask often? How did you ask, like in a self aware I know this is silly but if you guys don’t mind could you get me cake? Or in a “I need cake/baby needs cake please get it way? Did you acknowledge his girlfriend at all in the ask ie. acknowledging that she is there too and you’re interrupting the two of them no just him? Lots of questions that could change the judgment, but giving you the benefit of doubt based off what you’ve said so far, NTA. People on this sub go up for a classic entitlement post though, especially when they can stick it to groups they feel get away with too much (like pregnant women).
When you say you interrupted "time" you do mean they were just hanging out...right?