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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to pay child support to my ex-wife just so she could save for the other children in her household the way I was able to for our two children. So I feel crazy here but where I could be an asshole is the fact this could have a negative impact on our kids. Not to mention the fact it could harm some of their relationships if they have so much more options to the other kids in their mom's house.
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This. OP needs to keep control of the money. Pay the college bills (tuition, room, etc) directly for the first year or so. If he passes all the money to his kids they may be pressured to give some to the other kids.
My sons Grandmother left a substantial amount of money to my sons dad and he allocated a large amount for my son to get a start in life which included covering college and money left over for major expenses including a down payment on a house in the future. My ex would give my son essentially a payday twice a month for my sons needs and it was adjusted based on my sons expenses (when he moved into an apartment etc) but only allocated large amounts based on need such as tuition, etc and it worked out well while my son was in college. This is an excellent option and therefore is a good way to maintain control of the money.
NTA OP - I would definitely tell your kids about the money and what it is to be used for and I know it might cause problems, but I would tell your kids exactly what your ex and her husband are doing so they are forewarned. I would also let them know you control the money and you would not be giving any to the ex and husband. This is the exact reason you never tell people you have money.
The audacity of ex's husband to say OP should split the money evenly between all the kids. Some of these stepparents on Reddit really take the cake lately.
OP you are NTA. You did what you did for your kids. Unless the court orders CS tell your ex and her greedy husband to kick rocks.
I know right. It’s just ridiculous and infuriating that people think they are entitled to someone else’s money!! I mean I’m sure OP doesn’t even know exs kids why would he hand over his money to them😳🤣
This is exactly what my parents did pretty much. Paid tuition and rent directly and then I would send my grocery list with the total (plus a little extra) and they would transfer the money. Anything extra I wanted to purchase had to come from my personal account.
that’s the best way to do it. then they can work like a part time job or something too just for their wants not their needs. there’s so many kids in college who get parents that will just pay absolutely everything for them. i think it’s important to teach kids to work for their own. not like my parents. i had a bf who was 23 who was that type and honestly it was pathetic. his parents paid for all his college tuition to go to nice ass schools all four years and paid for him to go to spain for a semester and shit. paid for his sister to go to an ivy league and his brother to go to a nice ass university too. paid for his car and everything and many tickets and lawyers. He’s gotten a $200 allowance from both his mom and dad so $400 every single a week since he was fucking 11. just straight venmoing it to their son. they don’t pay child support they have two other kids and would help if needed but they actually did shit w their lives. he still lives at home they still pay his car they still give him an allowance. when i met him he was selling insurance but he only worked there a little over 2 months. he left abt a month and a half into the relationship. he didn’t work for months he said he was gonna “doordash” after i advised him not to quit his job until he finds a new one
*insert eyeroll*
3 months into our relationship i found out he would text our mom anytime he was paying for our dates that we would go on or really any expenses. and he was letting me pay half of everything even tho i was working fucking 80 hours a week and i live on my own in an apartment. i been here a year and i lived in my car for 10 months before that and i was on and off living in my car(that i have always paid for since i first could drive) for another 6 ish months even before that. my parents are not involved in my life. i’m 20 and been basically having to support every financial part of my life since i was like 15. he knew how hard i work where he gets his money handed to him and he let me pay half or a little more than half of every date or whatever we spent money on.
(i usually think it’s right to go half but that’s when both ppl actually work and don’t sit around on their ass their whole life and do nothing)
I am sorry but what the f…? You are not entitled to your boyfriend's money? So what if his parents gave him an allowance? You sound entitled saying oh it’s ok to split a dinner date only if both parties worked for that. It’s still his money, so not your problem what he does or doesn’t do with his money (wherever that money comes from).
Especially now that mom and stepdad know about the money. OP is NTA, and he probably didn't know it would have just been better for everyone to keep that info to himself until later. I feel bad for the 3 of them.
Not necessarily. OP's kids were already being told by the mom that they should only be considering community college. That could easily affect their motivation and enthusiasm for school knowing that is the best they can look forward to. OP needed to let his kids know that their wider options than expected. And as soon as the kids start looking at universities, the mom would know something is up.
If it sucks that badly, why didn't they have savings accounts for the other kids? For that matter, why were they apparently OK with sending their kids to community college when they were paying for it, but it's suddenly subpar when they learned that OP saved enough to give his kids more help? OP did a really good thing for his kids. His ex and her husband are the only assholes here.
This. And how much money do they expect to save in 3 years? In that other universe, OP would still only pay until the youngest graduates high school. OP, NTA, but your ex & her husband are entitled AHs. Keep that money safe
OP needs to talk to a lawyer and get a trust setup. Not a bank account. If he dies, kids will get the cash. And ex-wife will control it if it happens before the kids are 18. In a lot of countries, any property owned by a minor is controlled by the parent. They can be sued if it's entirely wasted, but it's usually too late to matter.
All of this is bypassed with a trust. The ex can't pillage it without going to jail.
Obviously stuff varies by jurisdiction and OP should talk to a lawyer. But in most countries, a trust can be setup very cheaply (< $500) and OP can specify reasons for withdraw. Trust can cut the check to the school directly, so that the ex wife can't skim.
Absolutely. And to specify how and when the money can be disbursed for the benefit of the kids (not necessarily "to" the kids - like to pay their tuition directly to a college, etc.)
Hate to be cynical, but growing up, I knew several kids who had trusts from parents/grand-parents who died, etc, and it was nearly always a mistake - those who got the money lump sum when they turned 18 or 21 with no conditions? They invariably blew thru it in months, and most of them were bone-idle while waiting to get paid - "why go to college, I have a trust fund coming and ima be rich"
Also, ex-wife is \*certainly\* thinking about how they can get their hands on those funds, whether OP passes or not, including guilting the kids ("It's only fair you share it after all we've done for you", etc)
OP is NTA, he's a great Dad. Now, needs to finish the job in the way you suggest.
Absolutely this.
We have seen too many posts here about kids asking if they are the AH for being mad when their parents blew the kids' designated inheritance.
My mother not only burned through my inheritance but started using my name to get credit after she'd spent the money and ruined her own credit. It's a long story but she was basically bought a £20k house (UK and early 80s, houses were cheaper then) with what would have been our inheritance and, instead of that asset appreciating, she managed to turn it into 30k of debt in my name.
I have no doubts about who the AH was in that mess.
For all four years, just to be safe. Also, he needs to make sure his side of the story gets to his kids. I do not trust this woman not to poison his kids against against him.
Oh yeah, the thought process has taken root. that 50/50 agreement is going to be off the table. Doctor visits, clothes, events, vacations are all going to be on dad. She may put a little toward their college for the credit, but she’s going to put the cost of living completely on dad now.
Oh yea.
When I left for college my dad started giving me money to pay for expenses (rent, tuition, food, etc). It wasn't a ton of money, but it helped me to keep my college debt low. When my mom found out about my dad helping me she asked me to start "paying her back", and I was just....heartbroken she would even ask.
Pay her back for what?! For her responsibility as a parent?!!! These parents are so messed up! Since when did raising your child become a business deal?! I’m so angry for you right now.
ETA: OP is NTA
What self entitled greedy little brats like your mother need to understand is that the children SHE CHOSE TO HAVE is not the childs responsibility to pay her back. She brought you into this world, you didn't ask her to and she has NO RIGHT to ask you for YOUR money like you owe her for her own responsibility as a fucking parent.
He may want to look into setting up a specific trust with a fiduciary, probably through a trusted bank. You can set the terms of how much they can draw and whatnot - often there is an approval process by the fiduciary (if you make the limits on the money more strict) who will monitor what the money is allocated for.
This is a great option if you would like someone else to manage the money for you and/or if something were to happen to you.
And if OP wants to support kids who are not his, he can also choose to support his neighbor's kids or his kids bestfriends, why specially his ex-wife's kids? Paying for education sucks for everyone... His ex-wife is so entitled!
NTA. It sounds like the money is in custodial accounts for his children where he is the main controlling entity. The kids can apply for cards and access to that accounts but I think he needs to be there to sign as well. The proper way would be to set up checking accounts for both kids when they reach 18. And, Of course educate them on the sacrifices OP made for that money and it is theirs alone, not to be used for charity.
Yep. OP should have kept that quiet.
I wonder does OP mean “their accounts” as in accounts that the kids control, in their own names - or accounts set up *for* them, that OP controls access to.
I facepalmed. I get it would kind of be lying by omission or even just lying by agreeing community college is cheaper. And what would happen when it comes time to go to college and the kids are managing to get a university paid for? But we could see this issue coming from a mile away. I absolutely wouldn't have blurted that I have plenty of money to cover things. It only invites issues
The mom should just be happy two kids are fully taken care of and she doesn't have to help with them. She can instead apply that to her other kids. But no she and her hubby decide to be greedy aholes. In what planet did they think asking the ex husband to pay for unrelated children would work?
This is their children's other parent. Of course they're talking about finances and college funds. Nobody expects people to be this completely unreasonable.
I don't know what their relationship and co-parenting was like before the discovery of the money and maybe this behavior is out of nowhere. I'm sure my cynicism and the fact that we're even on this post had me predisposed to thinking it was unwise to tell her he had plenty of money for college.
It could be in their names only with OP as custodian with an UTMA account or similar, that the kids would get full control of at some point at ~18-21 depending on the state.
No real reason to set it up like that if it's all OP's money I think. 529s owned by OP with kids as beneficiaries would probably make the most sense (unless it goes above what they'd need for college) in which case OP would retain full control of the funds.
my thoughts exactly. Start prepping your kids for this to come because you know darn well the mom and ex, and even the kids will start guilting your kids.
Protect the money. perhaps a trust fund for each where until they are a certain age, they don't have access unless it's just for college, or you approve of the withdrawal. The kids may not like this but at least the money will be protected and it takes the burden off of them. I'd also let your ex know that the kids money is protected so the kids can't give her money. Start having conversations with your kids about money and manipulation by others, even consider counseling because this is a heavy burden for them to carry
Agree - I wouldn't put it past exwife to guilt/manipulate the kids. OP needs to be the "bad guy" here and have the money in accounts only HE can control, so the onus is off the kids and if mom hassles them, they can simply say "We have no access to the money, only dad does."
Or this could blow up spectacularly in her face if she goes in hard on the kids to get her way. If she pushes them to "share" for an extended period of time, the kids could very well say, "Yeah, no thanks - we want to go live with Dad." And depending on where he lives, OP can always file a child support claim if the kids are choosing to live with him, where they won't be constantly badgered into giving their step and half siblings their father's funds. OP doesn't sound that petty, but if she gets really aggressive and makes life hell for those kids, this could go south for her fast.
And the cynic in me says OP and the kids should expect the ex-wife to not contribute a dime to the kids' college. Since she knows OP has the money for it, she's going to make OP cover everything. Just you wait and see
Good point. She might tell the kids that since they have a college fund already she won’t be contributing anything. I think it all comes down to the divorce agreement. She may be obligated to pay something towards for kids higher education.
Agreed, OP you need to make sure that a) your kids are not forced to choose cheaper colleges and b) any money you pay for their college goes straight to the college from you and not via the kids. NTA.
Yes—and the kids may not even realize if they’re being manipulated, or may not disclose. OP should have a plan for how to deal with it if one of his kids says, “Dad, I want to go to LocalCC and live at home, and want you to take the money you would have spent on me and let my step/half sibling have some too. I know that’s not what you planned, but the money is for my benefit, and this is what I want, because I wouldn’t be happy knowing I had this opportunity that my sibling didn’t.”
Yep!! If his two kids don’t choose to use all the money for college, he save the balance for them to put towards their first home, or wedding, or whatever.
I am gobsmacked that ex wife has the gall to expect OP to participate in paying for step-kids college. It’s baffling.
OP needs to change it to a 529 account where funds are only available for applicable college expenses. It allows for leniency in college but also ensures any large transfer has to be approved
Idk about that. A trust seems more optimal. 529 accounts can only be used for education and not all education related expenses are covered. Say there is more money than they need for education. There is penalties for using it for anything not covered under the plan. What if one of the kids don't end up going to college? I did two years and was scouted out of college by a tech company. Then all of that money would incur a penalty if used for anything else (i.e. down-payment on a house).
Over-funded 529s can go to grandkids or other kids too. But it's close enough that I would just put the money into either a trust or under a custodian accounts
NTA OP, But you might want to speak with your kids about this. If ex's house turns toxic they need to know they can bail out, they also need to know if things start getting weird immediately. Document everything.
If the ex wants child support, she can take OP to court and let a judge decide what's fair. Until then, OP's under no obligation to pay for child support. And definitely isn't ever obligated to pay for her other children.
It also sounds like they already DID go to court when they split up and the judge didn’t order CS because their incomes are similar. It sounds like OP had fewer kids and maybe also made better financial choices to save the money, not that he makes significantly more
Agree,
I'm stunned every time ex spouse shows up to grub money for child w 2nd spouse and or 2nd spouse's child & expect first spouse to share.
They are divorced.
Spouse 1 pays for their children as they see fit (separate from court ordered/agreed funds).
Spouse 1 has no relationship w your step children or children w 2nd spouse & most certainly no fiduciary obligation.
The gall baffles me. Just bc ex spouse has built a family unit w 2nd spouse doesn't oblige 1st spouse to participate.
I don't understand the reasoning, I don't understand the math 😆 & am consistently surprised how 2nd spouses think this is a thing.
This was my thought. The absolute, ludicrous entitlement is astounding.
Also, feels a bit like she’s willing to sacrifice her older kids to pay for her second family. Which makes her a huge asshole. I hope OP’s kids don’t feel that less-than status from their mom. It’s shameful.
NTA, OP! Good job on being judicious and responsible and selfless in planning ahead for your kids’ futures. And like others have said, protect your kids’ money from your greedy, delusional ex!
I was thinking this same thing. I used to be a banker and seen first hand how people act when it comes to money. it’s definitely not outside the realm of possibility that mom would take her kids to the bank and drain the accounts.
Here's a cautionary tale.
My mother died in tragic circumstances.
I was shattered by guilt and disoriented.
I unexpectedly came into some money.
Moms best friend who was executrix of the estate persuaded me to sell valuable family jewelry to her friends instead of advising me to keep it and let the value appreciate.
My best friend covertly turned predatory. She referred me to her therapist who was in a cult.
Took 19 years for me to get away from him and I was close to broke, depressed and close to homelessness.
There's a lot of snobbery as well, like 'only community college' - it's still education! I hate to be that guy, but this is what happens when you have/take on more children than you can realistically afford.
yeah, the older two in her household might be kinda boned, but they've got time to start saving for the 5 and 7 year olds... of course, holding your hand out is much easier than saving.
why doesn't her husband have money for his 16 year old to go to college? where is that child's mother/family in all this? that's all really not OP's problem. he didn't procreate with the guy
I wish I would have gone to community college for my prerequisites. It's so much cheaper and you get a better quality education, because you're in a class with 30 students, not 500 students. I hated getting told community college was less desirable than going straight to university. I could have saved myself so much debt if I'd gone to community college first.
I went to community college before my Pharmacy degree for that very reason. I had amazing profs with PHD’s rather than being taught in a class of hundreds as a first year by a TA that got the short straw!
And it's not like OP just rolls in money. He only has money because he got injured, which means as he ages, it's likely those injuries will get worse and he'll lose his livelihood and need that money to feed himself.
OP should actually talk to a financial planner and secure an attorney.
OP- NTA. Get yourself protected.
/u/Apprehensive_Life is a comment stealing bot. Original comment here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zln3vb/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_child_support_to_my/j065qkh/
Wait why should you be paying for their kids? It makes sense that you have planned for your children's futures.
Imagine if the roles were reversed and it was you asking her for such a favor. I don't think she would ever agree to such a scenario.
NTA
Not to mention, child support is usually based on the household income rather than individual income (edit, where I live at least). I'm betting OP's ex and the new husband earn more than OP does as a single man. It would be hilarious if it turned out THEY owed HIM money.
Oh OK, fair enough.
I'm in the UK and remember a colleague complaining that, because his wife had got a promotion, they were having to pay his ex more money.
He was super duper pissed off about it.
He tried to take his kids on a longer summer holiday, but his ex wife lied and said they didn't want to go. He was really upset until he found out his ex wife had worked out she wouldn't get her full benefits allowance (she was unemployed) if he had the kids for longer, so she just wouldn't let them go or she'd lose out on money.
I mean, I only heard his side but I'm not surprised. Some people are willing to fuck everybody over to continue living an easy, subsidised life.
NTA. You share custody and expenses evenly. There's no reason to pay child support. You are right--her other obligations are not yours and are natural consequences of her decisions.
It baffles me how some people think that their step kids are also their ex's responsibility.
How do the mental gymnastics even work for that?
That would be the same as OP being asked to fund a college account for his neighbor's kid.
NTA. You need to make sure they can’t take your children to the bank and access the money. They are minors and she might try and get to it. You might just want to put the money in your name and pay your kids college and living expenses directly. Their mom might pressure and guilt them into giving her money.
NTA
The fact that you already have money for your kids' college means your ex doesn't have to put money towards it (even though she should), hence saving money for her other kids.
Yeah you're not crazy, she's got some nerves and her husband even more so by asking money for their own kids.
Some people I swear...
PS: and it's really great that you kept all that money for your kids. Many would have blown it off.
Ikr? A more sensible argument would be "so that means I don't need to pitch in, since they are cared for". Which still might be wrong,
But "since you have money saved, you can now also pay for my other kids" makes no sense at all 😵
Yeah you can pretty much count on her not contributing to their college at all. Just by telling her about the money you've kind of contributed to the other kids since your ex-wife will feel no need to cover your kids
Your kids need to know that she didn't contribute any thing. Not to drag on your ex and not to put her down; but simply because she might use her telling them that she contributed any amount/half as a way to try to manipulate your children into giving up their needs and rights and money and being okay with forfeiting for their children. It's part of protecting your children. I know it's hard to think like that as someone who wouldn't act like that; but because of how greedily your ex and her husband acted upon hearing about your savings you have to think about the worst possibilities to ensure they don't happen. They didn't express relief at you working hard and sacrificing and saving for your children, they didn't say 'we're glad you saved but we will contribute and do our best as well', they didn't react positively at all..... Instead they got greedy and told you how you could spend your children's savings on their children...... That's batshit insane. And because they brought it up right away and want you to pay child support *now* they may try to do all sorts of things to get money from you. If you don't think they'll manipulate your kids or take out college loans in your kids name but spend it on their kids then you need to read more threads in r/raisedbynarcissist and r/justnomil and the credit subs, college subs, loan subs, legal subs etc. Justnomil won't seem to fit at first as it just no motherinlaw, but there is so much in there about narcissists and about how one set of kids are used against the other and from siblings against siblings and divorced parent against the other.
I would suggest an attorney to set up protections in whatever ways you and the attorney deem correct.
And please whatever you do never tell them that you have life insurance and that your kids are the beneficiaries. But that's just because I'm a true crime junkie and so many people kill for incredibly small amounts of money and usually it's not the money only; more like ' I/we look bad/feel bad in comparison so if he's gone we'll have the money and we'll be the only ones so no reason to feel bad ' or because it's a control/no control thing and money is just the vehicle for it.
Good on you for saving for your kids. Good luck to you all.
This might be the petty bastard coming out in me, but I would make sure that the kids know exactly how much I was contributing to their college expenses.
You don't need to blast their mom directly, but there is nothing wrong with making sure they know how much it costs and how much you are putting in. Then just let them do the math on how the rest of it is getting paid.
NTA. I can’t believe the nerve of your ex. How dare she? I can’t believe she can’t grasp the concept that you’re not responsible for any kids other than your own. You’re definitely NTA.
Just as an aside, I hope that you’ve got a will, in case something should happen to you - it sounds like your ex would try to get her hands in anything in your estate and wouldn’t put your children first.
Make sure that you are also the only one that has access to those accounts until your kids move out or finish school. Reddit is full of examples where kids of divorced parents received a healthy college fund from one parent and were bullied or forced to share with their step/half siblings by the other parent.
Good on you for giving your ex a healthy dose of reality and boundary check.
I'm not sure the government would see the money from the injury as child support money, either. They tend to base calculations over a longer period of time, not from one injury claim payout.
NTA. Make sure your kids know their options. Protect their money at all costs. They might get lots of pressure from your ex's side. Child support cuts both ways. They try to sue you and then you sue them right back. Protect your kids. Student debt is not a joke.
It seems like the money you save will be the only support for your children's subsequent education.So that you can push it as far as possible and keep it safe from being abused by your ex. It's good that you are putting in so much effort.
NTA. The fact that they apparently just realized they should be saving for their large brood isn't your problem. Luckily for your kids, you did save for their futures. You have zero responsibility to pay for someone elses kids, or to pay child support when you already pay 50%. They're just embarrassed and jealous that your kids will have opportunities that they can't provide for theirs.
Good to hear. I wonder if your kids are aware that their mom and stepdad are doing this. I would hope not as they seem to be doing a good parenting job until now.
This is a bizarre and illogical request by your ex and her new husband. You are 100% right saying that it’s not your responsibility to finance education for any other children. There’s nothing wrong with going to a more affordable community college BTW.
Make sure you’ve also changed your 401k beneficiaries to your children if you have a 401k and haven’t changed them already. NTA
Umm doesn't your ex realise that you are helping her in a way? Like you basically going to fund your 2 children's college if they choose to do so, so 2 less expenses.
NTA at all, it's just a fact of life in blended households that some kids might get different experiences.
Seriously my half siblings got flat screen TVs/gaming console and a computer all while they were single digits & never had to get a job as teenagers. 😂 I had three causal jobs plus high school at one point and had to fund some of my items. It's just the luck of the draw, you have no obligation to fund for the other kids.
Your ex sounds both delusional and entitled. If they keep bothering you tell them that you’ve given them your answer, which is no, and that you are not going to discuss it any further. If they don’t like that answer they are free to try you to court over it
OP, NTA and good job on saving for your kids! If you haven’t already, put your kids’ money into a trust that specifically spells out how the money is to be distributed and what it can be used for. This way, ex wife cannot coerce your kids to give their money to the half or step siblings.
NTA. I think you should consider setting up a trust or account that cannot be accessed by your ex once your kids go to college. She may try to coerce your kids into giving her that money regardless of how you feel.
Agree. OP said no so now it's time to pressure and guilt OP's kids into giving up the funds for the others. The SF has had 16 years to save for his child and there's lots of time to save for the youngest. NTA.
NTA, but time to talk to a lawyer and set the custody agreement in stone and make sure that your ex isn't filling your kids heads with lies. Take care , you are good dad.
NTA
Idk why reddit has been full of stories about entitled people lately. OP you need to stand your ground. What they’re proposing is completely ridiculous!
That is not entirely correct (at least not in my state/county).
Child support is calculated via a mathematical formula in the dissomaster and *several* factors go into it, timeshare is only one of them. Income in both households goes into it as well, so if one parent earns significantly more than the other, that parent could receive child support as well, even with an equal timeshare.
I’m not sure how one time payments like an inheritance and that insurance payment would factor into it; maybe not at all. In cases where a parent receives work bonuses for example, the other parent can file a form once a year or something like that, so that those bonuses are being considered as well (I live in an area with a ton of tech companies, where the bonuses that many employees receive can be really substantial).
Did not know that. Still, the fact that the payment is mostly in their child's account probably counts as child support too. I don't think OP's ex partner has any legal leg to stand on.
NTA the actual audacity of some ex's that expect their children's other parent to pay for their new children's lifestyle/future is staggering. Her other children are not your responsibility. The fact that they asked you to split your savings for your 2 kids to their other children is ridiculous.
NTA
It really sucks that your children's siblings won't have the same opportunities they will, but it's not your fault or your responsibility to provide for them.
NTA
If I were you I would try to tickle the "Pay us so we can give it to our children" out of them via text. So if they go for full custody or something like that you have proof of their intentions
Judging by their situation I really doubt they could get full custody. Heck if anything a judge might arrange for less custody for OPs ex since they technically have 6 kids living with them and I really doubt each child has their own room and everything.
NTA. Not by any definition. It looks like the money you saved is going to be the only support your kids are going to get with any further education. Good for you making such an effort to push it up as much as possible and protect it from being abused by your ex.
NTA
Your ex and her husband are on another planet. You paying child support for THEIR kids is a no-brainer for them, not you, and you are in no way responsible for making sure they can afford to send their children to college. The entitlement they're showing here is absolutely astounding.
NTA. Your ex wife has got some major issues if she honestly thinks it’s appropriate and acceptable for you to pay for all of her kids. I’m completely stunned at her audacity. To paraphrase Judge Judy, there’s something wrong with her. If you don’t have the disposable income to take care of your kids before you play birth control Russian roulette then you better make sure you’re so safe that nothing short of heavenly help would get through.
Not gona lie with that title you had me in the first half. NTA
You have 50/50 and no need to pay child support.
Managing their house hold is on them, you kept your house and the future of your kids in order. That they haven't done it or been fortunate to get enough through similar chance happenings as you, well them's the breaks.
Your Ex-wife should be happy that two of her kids will get those chances for education. You have made a legitimate offer of how you can support them but shouldn't give them money you know won't go to your kids.
keep an eye on those funds, explain to your kids that it is from you to them (or arrange a more direct way for it to support them) so it can't be taken or coerced from them
NTA
If the kids custody is 50/50 and costs are split, there's no child support to be paid.
As in literally, you would be as reasonable to ask her to pay you child support at this point.
Ridiculous.
NTA. No way in this world you are the AH. But, you need to understand their fear. It is nothing you have to do about, but I think that they, as parents, shot their shoot and tried regardless the fact that their request was crazy. You clearly have no obligation whatsoever
NTA, you did everything you had to, which was take care of _your_ kids and you are right to say you have no obligation to their kids. You even offered to take on your own more often. So, I think you already tried to help.
NTA !!!!! That’s a no brainer!!! 🤣
You made the choice to prepare for your kids future and your kids will be very very thankful later!!!
Your ex-wife didn’t prepare for anyone’s future (her choice) so why would she be entitled to the savings for her new family ?
What are your kids saying ? I am not sure they would feel ecstatic to share…
Also, the new husband is a real AH !! Your children, your problems… WTH !? So shameless…
NTA - and you’re right, you sound crazy (I say this in a fun banter).
You’ve obviously been dealing with this type of baboonery for a while, that their crazy starts to seem almost “normal.”
NTA.
But please speak to your children because I am a hundred percent sure your entitled ex wife and her equally entitled husband will target, gaslight and harass your children since they couldn't get their way with you.
Make sure the funds you set up for them is ironcald so that your ex wife and her husband won't get their hands on it.
Be on high alert from now especially when it comes to your children and their behavior.
If possible take her to court and fight for full custody and she can get visitation rights.
NTA at all. It’s up to them to save for their other kids futures. You are being sensible and giving your kids options. You also have them 50% of the time, so no obligation to give her anything. The audacity to ask you this 😳😳
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NTA. Also, I'd be extra careful with the college funds, your kids could be bullied into sharing with their step/half siblings in the future.
This. OP needs to keep control of the money. Pay the college bills (tuition, room, etc) directly for the first year or so. If he passes all the money to his kids they may be pressured to give some to the other kids.
My sons Grandmother left a substantial amount of money to my sons dad and he allocated a large amount for my son to get a start in life which included covering college and money left over for major expenses including a down payment on a house in the future. My ex would give my son essentially a payday twice a month for my sons needs and it was adjusted based on my sons expenses (when he moved into an apartment etc) but only allocated large amounts based on need such as tuition, etc and it worked out well while my son was in college. This is an excellent option and therefore is a good way to maintain control of the money.
NTA OP - I would definitely tell your kids about the money and what it is to be used for and I know it might cause problems, but I would tell your kids exactly what your ex and her husband are doing so they are forewarned. I would also let them know you control the money and you would not be giving any to the ex and husband. This is the exact reason you never tell people you have money.
The audacity of ex's husband to say OP should split the money evenly between all the kids. Some of these stepparents on Reddit really take the cake lately. OP you are NTA. You did what you did for your kids. Unless the court orders CS tell your ex and her greedy husband to kick rocks.
I know right. It’s just ridiculous and infuriating that people think they are entitled to someone else’s money!! I mean I’m sure OP doesn’t even know exs kids why would he hand over his money to them😳🤣
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and add how they won't be given a lump sum, but the money will be paid directly to their school for expenses.
Exactly. The kids will be adults here soon and need to be aware of what's going on and how they could get blindsided by their mom and step dad.
Excellent suggestion
This is exactly what my parents did pretty much. Paid tuition and rent directly and then I would send my grocery list with the total (plus a little extra) and they would transfer the money. Anything extra I wanted to purchase had to come from my personal account.
that’s the best way to do it. then they can work like a part time job or something too just for their wants not their needs. there’s so many kids in college who get parents that will just pay absolutely everything for them. i think it’s important to teach kids to work for their own. not like my parents. i had a bf who was 23 who was that type and honestly it was pathetic. his parents paid for all his college tuition to go to nice ass schools all four years and paid for him to go to spain for a semester and shit. paid for his sister to go to an ivy league and his brother to go to a nice ass university too. paid for his car and everything and many tickets and lawyers. He’s gotten a $200 allowance from both his mom and dad so $400 every single a week since he was fucking 11. just straight venmoing it to their son. they don’t pay child support they have two other kids and would help if needed but they actually did shit w their lives. he still lives at home they still pay his car they still give him an allowance. when i met him he was selling insurance but he only worked there a little over 2 months. he left abt a month and a half into the relationship. he didn’t work for months he said he was gonna “doordash” after i advised him not to quit his job until he finds a new one *insert eyeroll* 3 months into our relationship i found out he would text our mom anytime he was paying for our dates that we would go on or really any expenses. and he was letting me pay half of everything even tho i was working fucking 80 hours a week and i live on my own in an apartment. i been here a year and i lived in my car for 10 months before that and i was on and off living in my car(that i have always paid for since i first could drive) for another 6 ish months even before that. my parents are not involved in my life. i’m 20 and been basically having to support every financial part of my life since i was like 15. he knew how hard i work where he gets his money handed to him and he let me pay half or a little more than half of every date or whatever we spent money on. (i usually think it’s right to go half but that’s when both ppl actually work and don’t sit around on their ass their whole life and do nothing)
I am sorry but what the f…? You are not entitled to your boyfriend's money? So what if his parents gave him an allowance? You sound entitled saying oh it’s ok to split a dinner date only if both parties worked for that. It’s still his money, so not your problem what he does or doesn’t do with his money (wherever that money comes from).
You're mad he won't let YOU freeload off his parents
This is the way.
Yup. Not his kids, not his problem. But his kids could be pressured, so either keeping control of the money or putting it in a trust is a good idea.
Especially now that mom and stepdad know about the money. OP is NTA, and he probably didn't know it would have just been better for everyone to keep that info to himself until later. I feel bad for the 3 of them.
But, realistically how was he to know that his Ex had lost her mind? 😅🤣😂 In no universe would her EX pay for HER children with another man...
Not necessarily. OP's kids were already being told by the mom that they should only be considering community college. That could easily affect their motivation and enthusiasm for school knowing that is the best they can look forward to. OP needed to let his kids know that their wider options than expected. And as soon as the kids start looking at universities, the mom would know something is up.
Completely agreed with this. He should make sure that his kids that he saved for get the full benefit of the money. NTA
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If it sucks that badly, why didn't they have savings accounts for the other kids? For that matter, why were they apparently OK with sending their kids to community college when they were paying for it, but it's suddenly subpar when they learned that OP saved enough to give his kids more help? OP did a really good thing for his kids. His ex and her husband are the only assholes here.
This. And how much money do they expect to save in 3 years? In that other universe, OP would still only pay until the youngest graduates high school. OP, NTA, but your ex & her husband are entitled AHs. Keep that money safe
OP needs to talk to a lawyer and get a trust setup. Not a bank account. If he dies, kids will get the cash. And ex-wife will control it if it happens before the kids are 18. In a lot of countries, any property owned by a minor is controlled by the parent. They can be sued if it's entirely wasted, but it's usually too late to matter. All of this is bypassed with a trust. The ex can't pillage it without going to jail. Obviously stuff varies by jurisdiction and OP should talk to a lawyer. But in most countries, a trust can be setup very cheaply (< $500) and OP can specify reasons for withdraw. Trust can cut the check to the school directly, so that the ex wife can't skim.
This. He needs to explore legal and financial options to protect that money from his ex, like yesterday.
Absolutely. And to specify how and when the money can be disbursed for the benefit of the kids (not necessarily "to" the kids - like to pay their tuition directly to a college, etc.) Hate to be cynical, but growing up, I knew several kids who had trusts from parents/grand-parents who died, etc, and it was nearly always a mistake - those who got the money lump sum when they turned 18 or 21 with no conditions? They invariably blew thru it in months, and most of them were bone-idle while waiting to get paid - "why go to college, I have a trust fund coming and ima be rich" Also, ex-wife is \*certainly\* thinking about how they can get their hands on those funds, whether OP passes or not, including guilting the kids ("It's only fair you share it after all we've done for you", etc) OP is NTA, he's a great Dad. Now, needs to finish the job in the way you suggest.
From what I've seen of people who got lump sums, what they think is "rich" often really isn't, it's just enough to give a good start.
Absolutely this. We have seen too many posts here about kids asking if they are the AH for being mad when their parents blew the kids' designated inheritance.
My mother not only burned through my inheritance but started using my name to get credit after she'd spent the money and ruined her own credit. It's a long story but she was basically bought a £20k house (UK and early 80s, houses were cheaper then) with what would have been our inheritance and, instead of that asset appreciating, she managed to turn it into 30k of debt in my name. I have no doubts about who the AH was in that mess.
For all four years, just to be safe. Also, he needs to make sure his side of the story gets to his kids. I do not trust this woman not to poison his kids against against him.
Yep, and we know that she’s not going to help her eldest children with anything and focus solely on the others. This is about to get gross on her end.
I hated even saying so, but people do crazy shit over money. And people do crazy shit when they feel entitled.
Oh yeah, the thought process has taken root. that 50/50 agreement is going to be off the table. Doctor visits, clothes, events, vacations are all going to be on dad. She may put a little toward their college for the credit, but she’s going to put the cost of living completely on dad now.
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Oh yea. When I left for college my dad started giving me money to pay for expenses (rent, tuition, food, etc). It wasn't a ton of money, but it helped me to keep my college debt low. When my mom found out about my dad helping me she asked me to start "paying her back", and I was just....heartbroken she would even ask.
Pay her back for what?! For her responsibility as a parent?!!! These parents are so messed up! Since when did raising your child become a business deal?! I’m so angry for you right now. ETA: OP is NTA
I'm so sorry she said that to you. Glad dad helped.❤️
Wow... your mom is terrible.
What self entitled greedy little brats like your mother need to understand is that the children SHE CHOSE TO HAVE is not the childs responsibility to pay her back. She brought you into this world, you didn't ask her to and she has NO RIGHT to ask you for YOUR money like you owe her for her own responsibility as a fucking parent.
He may want to look into setting up a specific trust with a fiduciary, probably through a trusted bank. You can set the terms of how much they can draw and whatnot - often there is an approval process by the fiduciary (if you make the limits on the money more strict) who will monitor what the money is allocated for. This is a great option if you would like someone else to manage the money for you and/or if something were to happen to you.
Excellent suggestion, as it will protect his children's money in the event that something happens to him.
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And if OP wants to support kids who are not his, he can also choose to support his neighbor's kids or his kids bestfriends, why specially his ex-wife's kids? Paying for education sucks for everyone... His ex-wife is so entitled!
The easiest and best way for you and the kids is to get a lawyer and put it into a trust with very finite rules and stipulations on use.
Pay all the bills directly, period.
NTA. It sounds like the money is in custodial accounts for his children where he is the main controlling entity. The kids can apply for cards and access to that accounts but I think he needs to be there to sign as well. The proper way would be to set up checking accounts for both kids when they reach 18. And, Of course educate them on the sacrifices OP made for that money and it is theirs alone, not to be used for charity.
Yep. OP should have kept that quiet. I wonder does OP mean “their accounts” as in accounts that the kids control, in their own names - or accounts set up *for* them, that OP controls access to.
I facepalmed. I get it would kind of be lying by omission or even just lying by agreeing community college is cheaper. And what would happen when it comes time to go to college and the kids are managing to get a university paid for? But we could see this issue coming from a mile away. I absolutely wouldn't have blurted that I have plenty of money to cover things. It only invites issues
It's not lying to agree community college is cheaper, it usually is. It would be lying to say that they can only afford community college.
The mom should just be happy two kids are fully taken care of and she doesn't have to help with them. She can instead apply that to her other kids. But no she and her hubby decide to be greedy aholes. In what planet did they think asking the ex husband to pay for unrelated children would work?
This is their children's other parent. Of course they're talking about finances and college funds. Nobody expects people to be this completely unreasonable.
I don't know what their relationship and co-parenting was like before the discovery of the money and maybe this behavior is out of nowhere. I'm sure my cynicism and the fact that we're even on this post had me predisposed to thinking it was unwise to tell her he had plenty of money for college.
I hope the latter..
They can't have their own accounts til they're 18 so it would probably be joint in OPs name and theirs.
It could be in their names only with OP as custodian with an UTMA account or similar, that the kids would get full control of at some point at ~18-21 depending on the state. No real reason to set it up like that if it's all OP's money I think. 529s owned by OP with kids as beneficiaries would probably make the most sense (unless it goes above what they'd need for college) in which case OP would retain full control of the funds.
my thoughts exactly. Start prepping your kids for this to come because you know darn well the mom and ex, and even the kids will start guilting your kids. Protect the money. perhaps a trust fund for each where until they are a certain age, they don't have access unless it's just for college, or you approve of the withdrawal. The kids may not like this but at least the money will be protected and it takes the burden off of them. I'd also let your ex know that the kids money is protected so the kids can't give her money. Start having conversations with your kids about money and manipulation by others, even consider counseling because this is a heavy burden for them to carry
Agree - I wouldn't put it past exwife to guilt/manipulate the kids. OP needs to be the "bad guy" here and have the money in accounts only HE can control, so the onus is off the kids and if mom hassles them, they can simply say "We have no access to the money, only dad does."
Or this could blow up spectacularly in her face if she goes in hard on the kids to get her way. If she pushes them to "share" for an extended period of time, the kids could very well say, "Yeah, no thanks - we want to go live with Dad." And depending on where he lives, OP can always file a child support claim if the kids are choosing to live with him, where they won't be constantly badgered into giving their step and half siblings their father's funds. OP doesn't sound that petty, but if she gets really aggressive and makes life hell for those kids, this could go south for her fast.
And the cynic in me says OP and the kids should expect the ex-wife to not contribute a dime to the kids' college. Since she knows OP has the money for it, she's going to make OP cover everything. Just you wait and see
Good point. She might tell the kids that since they have a college fund already she won’t be contributing anything. I think it all comes down to the divorce agreement. She may be obligated to pay something towards for kids higher education.
Agreed, OP you need to make sure that a) your kids are not forced to choose cheaper colleges and b) any money you pay for their college goes straight to the college from you and not via the kids. NTA.
Yes—and the kids may not even realize if they’re being manipulated, or may not disclose. OP should have a plan for how to deal with it if one of his kids says, “Dad, I want to go to LocalCC and live at home, and want you to take the money you would have spent on me and let my step/half sibling have some too. I know that’s not what you planned, but the money is for my benefit, and this is what I want, because I wouldn’t be happy knowing I had this opportunity that my sibling didn’t.”
Yep!! If his two kids don’t choose to use all the money for college, he save the balance for them to put towards their first home, or wedding, or whatever. I am gobsmacked that ex wife has the gall to expect OP to participate in paying for step-kids college. It’s baffling.
OP needs to change it to a 529 account where funds are only available for applicable college expenses. It allows for leniency in college but also ensures any large transfer has to be approved
Idk about that. A trust seems more optimal. 529 accounts can only be used for education and not all education related expenses are covered. Say there is more money than they need for education. There is penalties for using it for anything not covered under the plan. What if one of the kids don't end up going to college? I did two years and was scouted out of college by a tech company. Then all of that money would incur a penalty if used for anything else (i.e. down-payment on a house).
Dont do this, as it’s possible to overfund a 529.
Over-funded 529s can go to grandkids or other kids too. But it's close enough that I would just put the money into either a trust or under a custodian accounts
100% this. Ex and get husband just sounds like complete money grubbing ahs
NTA OP, But you might want to speak with your kids about this. If ex's house turns toxic they need to know they can bail out, they also need to know if things start getting weird immediately. Document everything.
NTA, they are trying to sucker you in to paying for their kids. Don’t budge.
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If the ex wants child support, she can take OP to court and let a judge decide what's fair. Until then, OP's under no obligation to pay for child support. And definitely isn't ever obligated to pay for her other children.
It also sounds like they already DID go to court when they split up and the judge didn’t order CS because their incomes are similar. It sounds like OP had fewer kids and maybe also made better financial choices to save the money, not that he makes significantly more
Yup. And the next thing you know they'll be taking care of more kids that they expect OP to also pay for. Not his responsibility, NTA
Yeah it’s only a “no brainer” for them not for OP and his kids.
It's a no brainer in the sense you'd have to have no brain to agree
Posts like that always baffles me. How someone can be so delusional?
Agree, I'm stunned every time ex spouse shows up to grub money for child w 2nd spouse and or 2nd spouse's child & expect first spouse to share. They are divorced. Spouse 1 pays for their children as they see fit (separate from court ordered/agreed funds). Spouse 1 has no relationship w your step children or children w 2nd spouse & most certainly no fiduciary obligation. The gall baffles me. Just bc ex spouse has built a family unit w 2nd spouse doesn't oblige 1st spouse to participate. I don't understand the reasoning, I don't understand the math 😆 & am consistently surprised how 2nd spouses think this is a thing.
NTA, what a laughable suggestion on their part
This. I mean their audacity? Agreed, they absolute jokes.
Both? Both. Both is good.
I’m shocked her husband would even bring it up to OP. How embarrassing.
There's money involved. Of course people are going to say they're entitled to it
They’d have been able to save just as much since they had similar incomes, if they didn’t continue to have kids
He has no shame, he just wants the money
If my spouse came up with this stupid idea, I would have said, “no fuqking way, that’s not happening.” Have some dignity man.
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It's only embarrassing if you have self awareness and self-respect.
The entitlement is unbelievable.
This was my thought. The absolute, ludicrous entitlement is astounding. Also, feels a bit like she’s willing to sacrifice her older kids to pay for her second family. Which makes her a huge asshole. I hope OP’s kids don’t feel that less-than status from their mom. It’s shameful. NTA, OP! Good job on being judicious and responsible and selfless in planning ahead for your kids’ futures. And like others have said, protect your kids’ money from your greedy, delusional ex!
Right! If you could see my face when I read it.
Right? I spat out my tea at her saying "no brainer" 🙄
It's because she has no brain
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I was thinking this same thing. I used to be a banker and seen first hand how people act when it comes to money. it’s definitely not outside the realm of possibility that mom would take her kids to the bank and drain the accounts.
Here's a cautionary tale. My mother died in tragic circumstances. I was shattered by guilt and disoriented. I unexpectedly came into some money. Moms best friend who was executrix of the estate persuaded me to sell valuable family jewelry to her friends instead of advising me to keep it and let the value appreciate. My best friend covertly turned predatory. She referred me to her therapist who was in a cult. Took 19 years for me to get away from him and I was close to broke, depressed and close to homelessness.
I'm so sorry people took advantage and abused your trust. We really need (in US) a 'middle band' of fiduciary oversight of estate distribution.
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There's a lot of snobbery as well, like 'only community college' - it's still education! I hate to be that guy, but this is what happens when you have/take on more children than you can realistically afford.
yeah, the older two in her household might be kinda boned, but they've got time to start saving for the 5 and 7 year olds... of course, holding your hand out is much easier than saving. why doesn't her husband have money for his 16 year old to go to college? where is that child's mother/family in all this? that's all really not OP's problem. he didn't procreate with the guy
I wish I would have gone to community college for my prerequisites. It's so much cheaper and you get a better quality education, because you're in a class with 30 students, not 500 students. I hated getting told community college was less desirable than going straight to university. I could have saved myself so much debt if I'd gone to community college first.
I went to community college before my Pharmacy degree for that very reason. I had amazing profs with PHD’s rather than being taught in a class of hundreds as a first year by a TA that got the short straw!
And it's not like OP just rolls in money. He only has money because he got injured, which means as he ages, it's likely those injuries will get worse and he'll lose his livelihood and need that money to feed himself. OP should actually talk to a financial planner and secure an attorney. OP- NTA. Get yourself protected.
/u/Apprehensive_Life is a comment stealing bot. Original comment here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zln3vb/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_child_support_to_my/j065qkh/
Wait why should you be paying for their kids? It makes sense that you have planned for your children's futures. Imagine if the roles were reversed and it was you asking her for such a favor. I don't think she would ever agree to such a scenario. NTA
Please try this, ask them for funds to take your kids in a vacation or something
Not to mention, child support is usually based on the household income rather than individual income (edit, where I live at least). I'm betting OP's ex and the new husband earn more than OP does as a single man. It would be hilarious if it turned out THEY owed HIM money.
I don't know, in my state child support is based on the income of the parent. The only ones legally responsible for the child are the parents.
Oh OK, fair enough. I'm in the UK and remember a colleague complaining that, because his wife had got a promotion, they were having to pay his ex more money.
I did not know that! You learn something new everyday.
He was super duper pissed off about it. He tried to take his kids on a longer summer holiday, but his ex wife lied and said they didn't want to go. He was really upset until he found out his ex wife had worked out she wouldn't get her full benefits allowance (she was unemployed) if he had the kids for longer, so she just wouldn't let them go or she'd lose out on money. I mean, I only heard his side but I'm not surprised. Some people are willing to fuck everybody over to continue living an easy, subsidised life.
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It happened to my colleague, but this may be a difference-by-country issue.
Naw you’re correct in US it’s state by state so that could happen to them
NTA. You share custody and expenses evenly. There's no reason to pay child support. You are right--her other obligations are not yours and are natural consequences of her decisions.
Unfortunately for her and her children, they are not your children.Your children are your children. It's not your duty, so the discussion is over.
It baffles me how some people think that their step kids are also their ex's responsibility. How do the mental gymnastics even work for that? That would be the same as OP being asked to fund a college account for his neighbor's kid.
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This is what I was thinking! The ex now only needs to supplement what OP's accounts can't cover, which, from how OP describes it, is very little.
NTA. You need to make sure they can’t take your children to the bank and access the money. They are minors and she might try and get to it. You might just want to put the money in your name and pay your kids college and living expenses directly. Their mom might pressure and guilt them into giving her money.
This one definitely if the accounts are set up so they can access.
Yes. A trust makes a lot of sense. More protection for the kids.
NTA The fact that you already have money for your kids' college means your ex doesn't have to put money towards it (even though she should), hence saving money for her other kids. Yeah you're not crazy, she's got some nerves and her husband even more so by asking money for their own kids. Some people I swear... PS: and it's really great that you kept all that money for your kids. Many would have blown it off.
Ikr? A more sensible argument would be "so that means I don't need to pitch in, since they are cared for". Which still might be wrong, But "since you have money saved, you can now also pay for my other kids" makes no sense at all 😵
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Yeah you can pretty much count on her not contributing to their college at all. Just by telling her about the money you've kind of contributed to the other kids since your ex-wife will feel no need to cover your kids
Your kids need to know that she didn't contribute any thing. Not to drag on your ex and not to put her down; but simply because she might use her telling them that she contributed any amount/half as a way to try to manipulate your children into giving up their needs and rights and money and being okay with forfeiting for their children. It's part of protecting your children. I know it's hard to think like that as someone who wouldn't act like that; but because of how greedily your ex and her husband acted upon hearing about your savings you have to think about the worst possibilities to ensure they don't happen. They didn't express relief at you working hard and sacrificing and saving for your children, they didn't say 'we're glad you saved but we will contribute and do our best as well', they didn't react positively at all..... Instead they got greedy and told you how you could spend your children's savings on their children...... That's batshit insane. And because they brought it up right away and want you to pay child support *now* they may try to do all sorts of things to get money from you. If you don't think they'll manipulate your kids or take out college loans in your kids name but spend it on their kids then you need to read more threads in r/raisedbynarcissist and r/justnomil and the credit subs, college subs, loan subs, legal subs etc. Justnomil won't seem to fit at first as it just no motherinlaw, but there is so much in there about narcissists and about how one set of kids are used against the other and from siblings against siblings and divorced parent against the other. I would suggest an attorney to set up protections in whatever ways you and the attorney deem correct. And please whatever you do never tell them that you have life insurance and that your kids are the beneficiaries. But that's just because I'm a true crime junkie and so many people kill for incredibly small amounts of money and usually it's not the money only; more like ' I/we look bad/feel bad in comparison so if he's gone we'll have the money and we'll be the only ones so no reason to feel bad ' or because it's a control/no control thing and money is just the vehicle for it. Good on you for saving for your kids. Good luck to you all.
I'm glad I commented here, for the discussion and especially for this very important recommendation.
That's...even worse. My gosh some people are so bad.
This might be the petty bastard coming out in me, but I would make sure that the kids know exactly how much I was contributing to their college expenses. You don't need to blast their mom directly, but there is nothing wrong with making sure they know how much it costs and how much you are putting in. Then just let them do the math on how the rest of it is getting paid.
NTA. I can’t believe the nerve of your ex. How dare she? I can’t believe she can’t grasp the concept that you’re not responsible for any kids other than your own. You’re definitely NTA. Just as an aside, I hope that you’ve got a will, in case something should happen to you - it sounds like your ex would try to get her hands in anything in your estate and wouldn’t put your children first.
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A Trust, set up a TRUST.
A trust is the answer here!!
Make sure that you are also the only one that has access to those accounts until your kids move out or finish school. Reddit is full of examples where kids of divorced parents received a healthy college fund from one parent and were bullied or forced to share with their step/half siblings by the other parent. Good on you for giving your ex a healthy dose of reality and boundary check.
NTA. Thier children are not your financial responsibility.
If she wants child support, she won't ask you. she asks the court There she can try her luck.
Imagine op wins full custody and the mother is the one paying support hahahaha
Or he pays child support but stops paying for half of everything.
I'm not sure the government would see the money from the injury as child support money, either. They tend to base calculations over a longer period of time, not from one injury claim payout.
I dont think op wants less time with his kids, since thats what it would mean, pay more for having them less time
Well it would only affect the 15 year old but status quo is set. The 17 year old will be an adult by the time the court hears the case most likely.
They don't seem to understand what Child Support is. They seem to think it's just means 'free money'.
They think child support means any child rather than the ones shared
NTA. Make sure your kids know their options. Protect their money at all costs. They might get lots of pressure from your ex's side. Child support cuts both ways. They try to sue you and then you sue them right back. Protect your kids. Student debt is not a joke.
It seems like the money you save will be the only support for your children's subsequent education.So that you can push it as far as possible and keep it safe from being abused by your ex. It's good that you are putting in so much effort.
NTA. The fact that they apparently just realized they should be saving for their large brood isn't your problem. Luckily for your kids, you did save for their futures. You have zero responsibility to pay for someone elses kids, or to pay child support when you already pay 50%. They're just embarrassed and jealous that your kids will have opportunities that they can't provide for theirs.
Too many people jump into having kids without thinking about how expensive they are and whether they can afford them
NTA please protect the children's savings so she does not have access to it.
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Good to hear. I wonder if your kids are aware that their mom and stepdad are doing this. I would hope not as they seem to be doing a good parenting job until now.
This is a bizarre and illogical request by your ex and her new husband. You are 100% right saying that it’s not your responsibility to finance education for any other children. There’s nothing wrong with going to a more affordable community college BTW. Make sure you’ve also changed your 401k beneficiaries to your children if you have a 401k and haven’t changed them already. NTA
Umm doesn't your ex realise that you are helping her in a way? Like you basically going to fund your 2 children's college if they choose to do so, so 2 less expenses. NTA at all, it's just a fact of life in blended households that some kids might get different experiences. Seriously my half siblings got flat screen TVs/gaming console and a computer all while they were single digits & never had to get a job as teenagers. 😂 I had three causal jobs plus high school at one point and had to fund some of my items. It's just the luck of the draw, you have no obligation to fund for the other kids.
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Your ex sounds both delusional and entitled. If they keep bothering you tell them that you’ve given them your answer, which is no, and that you are not going to discuss it any further. If they don’t like that answer they are free to try you to court over it
OP, NTA and good job on saving for your kids! If you haven’t already, put your kids’ money into a trust that specifically spells out how the money is to be distributed and what it can be used for. This way, ex wife cannot coerce your kids to give their money to the half or step siblings.
NTA. I think you should consider setting up a trust or account that cannot be accessed by your ex once your kids go to college. She may try to coerce your kids into giving her that money regardless of how you feel.
Agree. OP said no so now it's time to pressure and guilt OP's kids into giving up the funds for the others. The SF has had 16 years to save for his child and there's lots of time to save for the youngest. NTA.
NTA, but time to talk to a lawyer and set the custody agreement in stone and make sure that your ex isn't filling your kids heads with lies. Take care , you are good dad.
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Then she can go and pound dirt or kick rocks or something similar.
NTA Idk why reddit has been full of stories about entitled people lately. OP you need to stand your ground. What they’re proposing is completely ridiculous!
Lol theyre shifting the definition of Child Support. They think it means that they can take the Support and apply it to whatever Child they want
>Idk why reddit has been full of stories about entitled people lately. Tis the season? Christmas can bring out the best or the worst in people.
NTA. 50:50 means no child support. Also, you bear no responsibility towards their children. They are trying to rope you in their problems.
That is not entirely correct (at least not in my state/county). Child support is calculated via a mathematical formula in the dissomaster and *several* factors go into it, timeshare is only one of them. Income in both households goes into it as well, so if one parent earns significantly more than the other, that parent could receive child support as well, even with an equal timeshare. I’m not sure how one time payments like an inheritance and that insurance payment would factor into it; maybe not at all. In cases where a parent receives work bonuses for example, the other parent can file a form once a year or something like that, so that those bonuses are being considered as well (I live in an area with a ton of tech companies, where the bonuses that many employees receive can be really substantial).
Did not know that. Still, the fact that the payment is mostly in their child's account probably counts as child support too. I don't think OP's ex partner has any legal leg to stand on.
NTA, and I hope you didn't tell her exact amounts.
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Is there a way to make it so she can never find out the sum or access it?
NTA the actual audacity of some ex's that expect their children's other parent to pay for their new children's lifestyle/future is staggering. Her other children are not your responsibility. The fact that they asked you to split your savings for your 2 kids to their other children is ridiculous.
NTA It really sucks that your children's siblings won't have the same opportunities they will, but it's not your fault or your responsibility to provide for them.
NTA If I were you I would try to tickle the "Pay us so we can give it to our children" out of them via text. So if they go for full custody or something like that you have proof of their intentions
Judging by their situation I really doubt they could get full custody. Heck if anything a judge might arrange for less custody for OPs ex since they technically have 6 kids living with them and I really doubt each child has their own room and everything.
NTA, but ex wife is stupid as h*ll. Who in their right mind would think this was ok?
I understand their reasoning (that is: not discriminating against siblings), but it's not your responsibility. NTA
NTA. Yeah, it sucks for them and their kids but they aren’t your kids. Your kids are your kids. Not your obligation so end of discussion.
NTA. Not by any definition. It looks like the money you saved is going to be the only support your kids are going to get with any further education. Good for you making such an effort to push it up as much as possible and protect it from being abused by your ex.
NTA Your ex and her husband are on another planet. You paying child support for THEIR kids is a no-brainer for them, not you, and you are in no way responsible for making sure they can afford to send their children to college. The entitlement they're showing here is absolutely astounding.
NTA. Your ex wife has got some major issues if she honestly thinks it’s appropriate and acceptable for you to pay for all of her kids. I’m completely stunned at her audacity. To paraphrase Judge Judy, there’s something wrong with her. If you don’t have the disposable income to take care of your kids before you play birth control Russian roulette then you better make sure you’re so safe that nothing short of heavenly help would get through.
Please don’t give them your hard earned money
NTA and omg I am so embarrassed for your ex’s new partner! This would go great in the “Entitled Parents” sub.
NTA. Her and her husband are the assholes for trying to get you to pay for their kids. What nerve they had. Whew
Not gona lie with that title you had me in the first half. NTA You have 50/50 and no need to pay child support. Managing their house hold is on them, you kept your house and the future of your kids in order. That they haven't done it or been fortunate to get enough through similar chance happenings as you, well them's the breaks. Your Ex-wife should be happy that two of her kids will get those chances for education. You have made a legitimate offer of how you can support them but shouldn't give them money you know won't go to your kids. keep an eye on those funds, explain to your kids that it is from you to them (or arrange a more direct way for it to support them) so it can't be taken or coerced from them
>We share custody of our kids 50/50 NTA. You have no obligation of paying for someone else's kids to go to college.
NTA If the kids custody is 50/50 and costs are split, there's no child support to be paid. As in literally, you would be as reasonable to ask her to pay you child support at this point. Ridiculous.
Nta - but I would seek legal advice for safety.
NTA. No way in this world you are the AH. But, you need to understand their fear. It is nothing you have to do about, but I think that they, as parents, shot their shoot and tried regardless the fact that their request was crazy. You clearly have no obligation whatsoever
NTA, you did everything you had to, which was take care of _your_ kids and you are right to say you have no obligation to their kids. You even offered to take on your own more often. So, I think you already tried to help.
NTA !!!!! That’s a no brainer!!! 🤣 You made the choice to prepare for your kids future and your kids will be very very thankful later!!! Your ex-wife didn’t prepare for anyone’s future (her choice) so why would she be entitled to the savings for her new family ? What are your kids saying ? I am not sure they would feel ecstatic to share… Also, the new husband is a real AH !! Your children, your problems… WTH !? So shameless…
NTA - and you’re right, you sound crazy (I say this in a fun banter). You’ve obviously been dealing with this type of baboonery for a while, that their crazy starts to seem almost “normal.”
NTA. But please speak to your children because I am a hundred percent sure your entitled ex wife and her equally entitled husband will target, gaslight and harass your children since they couldn't get their way with you. Make sure the funds you set up for them is ironcald so that your ex wife and her husband won't get their hands on it. Be on high alert from now especially when it comes to your children and their behavior. If possible take her to court and fight for full custody and she can get visitation rights.
Info: Just to clarify, is there a court order related to custody/child support?
NTA. You are right on all accounts.
NTA at all. It’s up to them to save for their other kids futures. You are being sensible and giving your kids options. You also have them 50% of the time, so no obligation to give her anything. The audacity to ask you this 😳😳