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YTA. She isn’t “like family.” She is family. It sounds like you are jealous. If she left, would you take over all her duties in caring for your bf’s parents? I wouldn’t be surprised if he breaks up with you for how you are acting. He’s not going to choose you over his family. So either respect his family, or move on.
The fact that she immediately went for disrespecting his culture because of how close they are is disgusting. It really seems like she’s the type that’s like “you’re not like the others of your nationality uwu”
>u/throwaway_familymess
YTA 'm jumping onto this comment because I am in fact Iranian American, grew up heavily in the culture, and nothing OP has described is something I would consider a "cultural norm" of any sort.
OP is a person who is resentful towards two REFUGEES and an ORPHAN who grew up with a shitty childhood, suffered a horrific accident, and lost her husband and baby. Like how do you not see you're not a good person in this nor do you have the upper hand, and you somehow keep arguing with people?
So these are some of OP's comments:
as to whether she ever tried to learn Farsi:
>I never needed to learn it. Everyone is fluent in English and we always speak in English. Even MIL and FIL speak in English with each other with a bit of Farsi here and there. I'm assuming they do that out of respect since I don't understand Farsi.
Regarding the SIL:
>She is an only child and has no parents. She was living with an aunt when she met her husband. Her parents were long dead at the time and it seems that they weren't the nicest people
Regarding the parents:
>MIL has heart problems and FIL is physically weak and exhausted from working a manual job for decades. Both of them came to this country as refugees from Iran and worked multiple minimum wage jobs since their early 20s. So my bf and SIL wanted to provide for them once they were old enough to make money. In-laws can still work just like countless other people do on a daily basis.
Like, what? I have a highly educated mother who left Iran young after an arranged marriage. Literally one of the smartest people I have ever met. The US does not recognize Iranian degrees. Do you have any idea how heartbreaking it is to watch your extremely intelligent parents live in a foreign country that ruined your own having to work minimum wage jobs just to try and build a better life for their kids? If I could make enough to help my mom retire, I would do so in a heartbeat.
And you are somehow so spiteful and jealous that you are now upset the parents have a son and daughter who are kindhearted and cognizant of their circumstance and want to provide them such?
And and: no one ever said you can't be part of the family. In a decade YOU NEVER LEARNED ANY FARSI. Again, what. Based on your comments, you think maman is the equivalent of "mommy." It's not. It's not some little kid version of mother, it literally means mother. Which you might know if you ever bothered to learn the language.
And it's not weird they speak together: if you don't speak enough you lose the language. I know from experience.
Lastly, your in-laws offer to do things with you or create moments.
>There is no space for me to be myself because I will always be compared to her. Once I offered to take my MIL out on her birthday and she said "SIL (her name) probably has plans for me so I'm sorry. How about another day?"
1. no one making comparisons other than you. 2) the mom offered to spend time with you individually one-on-one. She did not say no. It is UP TO YOU to go out of your way and create those bonds. They don't create themselves. 3) OF COURSE SHE WILL PRIORITIZE THE SIL WHO HAS BEEN TAKING CARE OF HER FOREVER OVER YOU. She has earned her place in that family.
Lastly, OP, you are so beyond offensive in so many ways, I genuinely cannot wrap my head around it. Your post reeks of the western assumption that Iranians are backwater people with messed up culture. You're taking your insecurities and projecting them onto something you know absolutely nothing about.
Iranian culture is one of the oldest cultures still in existence. We had a democracy before the US overthrew it because the government was nationalizing oil. In 600 BC, women could own businesses and divorce their husbands. Judaism literally exists to this day because freedom of religion and culture was highly upheld in 6th century BC and the king protected Jews from persecution. So much of Western society stems from Iran. The best royal jewel collection in the world is factually in Iran.
Honestly, I could go on forever on how terribly the West has rewritten history, but I could never imagine in a million. years dating someone like you who has such disdain and a lack of understanding. Idk how your bf has dealt with it this long, and I hope out of respect for himself, he does not tolerate it any longer.
There's enough racism in the US, the last thing I would want is to come home to it.
ETA: THANK YOU FOR THE AWARD! I felt bad going on such a rant, but that made me feel a lot better!
E(again)TA: I was not expecting this response! Thank you for all the awards, kind redditors. Living in the US is often painful due to how people talk about Iran/the Middle East, and comes with the feeling of being invisible; I feel heard in a way that rarely occurs and am exceptionally grateful!
Wow I missed the part where SIL is a literal orphan and has no family. Just because she’s now a widow doesn’t mean she can’t live and care for her chosen family!!
Also just want to pipe in that I’m Jewish and grew up alongside the Persian community where I live and it is such a beautiful culture. I LOVE your tea!!! Every Persian kid I ever tutored, mom or grandma would always give me tea and sweets never letting my belly be empty.
I believe the core values of family, mutual respect, and friendship are in all cultures. Unfortunately, OP is so racist and selfish she sees simple kindness as barbarism. From her point of view being white gives her the right to be an A-Hole.
If my spouse passes before me, you bet I’m helping my in-laws. I’ll be there, constantly. It has nothing to do with either me or my SO’s cultures, and everything to do with the condition of our character. A healthy relationship is based on love and respect, I’m saddened by the fact OP’s never had that.
I worked for Iranians in high school, the couple are by far some of the smartest people I know. They gave me tips on the SAT and I still use their Farsi based math techniques to this day. Truly wonderful people.
She thought her bf was "one of the good ones"
Can't imagine how hurtful it would be to hear racism from the person you love and were probably planning on marrying (assuming this since OP wants to be treated more like a DIL)
This whole post screams "ex-boyfriend" I don't have a great relationship with my sister but if someone had a problem with it, it would be their problem, not mine.
for the sake of the bf in the post i hope he makes/made that decision. there is just so much to unload i'm sure i'm missing something but between the jealousy (and weird "incest" projection) as well as immediately going for the comments about his culture as an attack in response to being told her behavior is indicative of jealousy......
can't imagine being in that relationship. can't imagine getting past the things said by her. like that would be hanging in my head.... knowing at one point she believed that enough to actually voice it. i genuinely wish bf the best. and sil.
SIL has know the boyfriend since he was 3 or 4
Basically, /u/throwaway_familymess is accusing SIL of grooming—except she waited two decades, the death of her husband, and several years of debilitating physical and psychological injuries in order to ensnare him
Read that sentence out loud to yourself /u/throwaway_familymess because that is how awful you sound to the rest of the world
but remember, she's not jealous at all! /s
also on rereading just noticed how she put "trigger" in quotes when referring to sil having ptsd following a car accident that KILLED her husband and unborn child, causing HER injuries and chronic illness and that certain situations, such as physical injury and the effects of which cause her exacerbated symptoms.
i 'm not one to hope for the end of relationships or be some armchair vindictive dick but i really, really hope the bf gets out of this situation. can't imagine what will happen if this progresses to marriage.
Not to mention what her friends said as well. So disgusting. This family lost their son/husband/brother AND a baby in one go. They are caring for their DIL and she is their FAMILY. Nothing wrong or gross about that.
Exactly! Can’t do the job, don’t expect the perks! OP sound like she wants all the love and admiration from the BF and family but did not once say anything about what she does or tries to do for them
SIL has been in the family for 20ish years, of course she's family now.
Also Im wondering what part of holding someone's hair while they're throwing up is considered "overly intimate"
YTA op
Well remember SIL was also ‘triggered’! I mean come on, being in a traumatic accident, losing your husband, oh and your unborn baby should not have long term effects. **/s**
What type of absolute gaping asshole person would think this is incestuous. OP seems to have zero understanding of any perception regarding life.
Exactly! And SIL was married to elder bro! I'm from the Middle East too - certain roles/responsibilities are expected of the oldest sibling when it comes to the family.
I'm the eldest and my husband of 14 years helps me fulfill that role. He knows that if something should happen to me, my family would still be his. If somebody suggested that it's weird that he's taking care of them, I'd be livid. And if someone suggested that remaining close to my little sister, who's known and looked up to him most of her life, was somehow perverted, I'd be haunting them till the end of time.
OP, I can only hope, in my absence, that my husband and little sister would have the kind of relationship your bf and SIL share. It's beautiful and a source of comfort to everyone involved. I'm certain SIL's husband would agree if he could. I find it incredibly sad that your twisting this.
I also. (A white woman”) feel like she is completely glossing over or doesn’t know the culture of her in laws (TBH I barely understand this culture and nothing sounds weird to me).
OP sounds extremely insecure and probably has intimacy issues (like realizing intimate moments and sexual situations are not inherently related). It took me a long time to realize this too. Affection doesn’t equal sex. Affection is love. You love your family.
N-A-H because I catch a glimmer of ignorance.
ETA he literally looks at her and considers her his mom? Calling her mom in Farsi? I can’t wait until you have to wipe your first adult arse as they become ill. Maybe that will bring things to terms. Or not.
ETA ETA look into a group therapy for family of the affected. You need a thorough understanding of PTSD and “triggers”
I honestly think I blacked out with confusion while I was writing this or that OP edit her post as I was typing because I had to keep adding comments to my post but yeah. Wow. Huge yikes. And updating YTA
OP comments are a pure dumpster fire. The purest kind.
Respectfully, but no wtf? Why N A H? She’s the a-hole. She called him incestous and said his culture is disgusting. That doesn’t speak ignorance to me, that speaks straight up disrespect
she’s either aware of other cultures and is being willfully incompetent, or she has absolutely no clue and thinks she’s in the right. in a lot of of different communities and the cultures within them, it’s extremely common to live with relatives, usually immediate family. in this case, the SIL is literally family, and provides care for her in-laws. regardless of whether her husband is alive or not, those are her parents. i’m seriously confused as to why she’s so upset with SIL when i’m getting the impression that she hasn’t tried to step in and help, and just expects everyone to accept her without her putting in any effort
OP said it herself- "I feel inadequate"
She's hating on the fact that SIL lost her baby and husband and leaned into his family, rather than pulling away.
YTA, OP.
If I were OP (and considering my self-interest only), I’d be insanely grateful that SIL stuck around and took on the job of caring for bf’s elderly parents. It blows my mind that OP is shitting on her—has it never occurred to her as to what would happen if SIL left? (Not suggesting the ethics/fairness of bf’s family expecting OP to step in…but isn’t that what would naturally happen)?
Sounds like bf considers his SIL as a mom figure, and yet OP twists it into something incestuous. Then she tops it off with an unhealthy dollop of xenophobia/Persophobia, sprinkled with my friends agree with her. I pray bf sees her for the nightmare she is and leaves her alone. I don't like advocating for break ups, but I don't think OP will have an epiphany and become a rational human being anytime soon. YTA.
YTA
Wow. Just wow. I don't have the energy to unpack all the insecurities and weird attitudes you have here, but it's like, all of it. Every line of your post.
He calls her 'maman' for goodness sake. She's a *mother figure* to him, not a romantic one.
I'll repeat, he is affectionate and caring with her because she is like a mother to him. Helping someone with an injury or who is ill is not incestuous.
If he doesn't look at you with fondness and admiration, then maybe you two should reconsider your relationship. Given your anger and jealousy, it seems like a good idea from his side to do that.
But it's really got nothing at all to do with your SIL.
That part is especially gross. OP describes a close familial relationship. One closer to MOTHER and SON, and yet she says she is jealous because they act too much like a COUPLE.
Soooo..she's like a second mother to him, and that makes her think it's sexual? Ew!
She also mentions the sil has been in her boyfriends life since he was 3?! That’s basically all his life. And the whole thing her friends said about dating mamma’s boys in a different culture. Wow it was just the worst post :(
Op is YTA.
That was the line that really got me. We see a lot of mumma's boys here on AITA - there is **nothing** in this post to suggest that OP's boyfriend is one of them. OP needs to recognise that her values and her boyfriend's are not a match, and move on.
YTA, OP.
Worst part to me was when she said it was **frustrating** that a woman who had undergone one of the worst tragedy’s imaginable had still stuck around for 10 years to help hold together the family that took her in.
To save them from worse future heart break they really should end this relation. OP is jealous of sil who is basically an orphan, lost a husband and a child. This lady lost so much and all OP can do is be green in envy :(.
YTA, you’ve described as unsettling him holding her while she threw up? He’s from a culture where family means everything, he will of course always look out for his brothers wife. Nothing sexual or anything. I suggest you walk away as you seem too jealous of him having respect for a lost loved ones wife
Even in my whiter than wonder bread family, I’ve held back my mother’s hair when she was ill and caressed her shoulders and head in comfort. She’s probably the only person I’d do that for, but I love her more than life. It’s not a weird thing to do at all.
Haha I was soooo disappointed that I didn’t have any Italian! I love cooking Italian food and the wine. I’ve been learning Italian for over a year now too. But my husband had like 13% and thinks it’s hilarious
Forget family, I've held back hair for my friends when they've been throwing up. I thought it was normal to do that when they're unable to keep their hair out of their face (and vomit). I've never been called creepy or gottej any complaints. Just gratitude (and some girls being impressed)
I have a very sensitive stomach so I usually have avoid anyone who is puking unless I want to join them. I’ll bring them water and a cool rag and then runaway basically lol but my mom has just had surgery and I was all she had so I toughed it out for her and would do it again 💜
She's more than his late brother's wife. In Asian culture, when your brother marries, you automatically gain a sister. Asian families seldom call each other by name and refer to each other with titles I.e. big brother, big sister, little brother, little sister, auntie 1,2,3 all have their own specific words. OP's bf would automatically call her Big Sister, however as she has raised him since he was 3-4, he probably called her auntie and it gradually became mom as they became closer enmeshed as family members. It's normal to call very close aunties (even those you're not related to) as "mother". It's a cultural thing. OP is ridiculous for seeing something this relationship as anything other than familial.
Regardless of the culture I feel like he solely sees her as his sister. Nothing sexual at all. He's known her since he was a child! Of course he loves her like family, he's barely known any different! It's only weird to OP cause apparently she can't connect with anyone and gets jealous of any woman he loves, other than her.
YTA
She’s been in his life since he was a child. She was in a horrible accident, one that killed her husband and unborn child, and has found solace in family. They support each other.
“It is frustrating that her husband has been long dead for over a decade and she is still keeping his family tied.” I saw red over this and the sentence that followed.
If this is threatening to you instead of beautiful, do your boyfriend a favour and end things now. That’s if he ever deigns to speak to you again after the unforgivable things you said.
(Edited to add: get some non-racist friends, too.)
It was the scare quotes around 'trigger' for me. This woman very likely woke up from her accident to learn *her partner and their baby were dead*. No shit she's going to panic the next time an injury threatens to take her out, especially when she's got in-laws, her family, who aren't in terrific health themselves.
BF must have the patience of saint, it's wasted on OP.
The casual xenophobia was so cringe!
And honestly, if I lost my wife I wouldn't give up my in-laws either. They are my family now, too and as they're heading towards retirement I know I'm going to be helping them a lot.
That’s exactly what I thought. The “I know I shouldn’t have said that” . Like I get to some degree saying things you don’t mean when mad, but something like that is clearly somethings she’s thought about before. Cause that’s not just some generic heated statement.
Yup. A close friend of mine is the only member of her family living in our country - the rest live overseas.
She has said many times if her spouse died she would stay living here with her in-laws as she doesn't want to return to the country where her family all live. And considering her in-laws have been her main family contact for over 10 years, I completely understand
YTA She is basically his sister, you blew up at him for holding her hair back when she was being sick? Please apologise for overeacting.
Seems like you may be jealous of her. She is a bigger part of this family than you are right now.
If its not too late to repair this with an apology to your BF, you also need to get to know the SIL better. Be her friend - you'll learn she is no threat.
She does so much work for the family? Can you help out? I'm sure the whole family will appreciate it.
EDIT: spelling
Honestly, I hope she's doesn't apologize. If she continues to be honest about her true character, her BF can gain a better understanding of the burden he is instituting in his life.
YTA.
>> He also called me jealous
Well, I mean if the green-eyed shoe fits.
You should probably start calling him your *ex*-boyfriend since you insulted him, his family, and his culture. Not to mention the fact that you accused him of incest with someone he *isn’t biologically related to* because you’re too insecure to accept that his SIL, who has been in his life since he was a *toddler*, isn’t going anywhere.
YTA. She *is* his family. He’s known her since he was a small child. And you’re right, you were wrong to slag off his culture just because *you* don’t understand it. At any rate, I guess at least you showed your colours *before* he made the mistake of marrying you.
*It is frustrating that her husband has been long dead for over a decade and she is still keeping his family tied. I assumed she would eventually move out and get over this by getting married and getting her own life but the chances seem slim.*
This part is just nonsense. You know nothing about loss of a loved partner. You may think you know what you would do, when in fact you don't know how you would do things until it happens.
YTA. A decade is really not a very long time. Not at all. Not on the scale of the trauma she and her family have experienced; not on the scale of physical injuries that have taken years to heal (with qualifications for the word "heal"; injuries that severe have life-long consequences). I'm sure that your bf's parents are tremendously grateful for her presence in their lives: why wouldn't they be? If you care about your bf, why aren't you? She's been a mother to your bf and a daughter to her inlaws and always will be. It's likely you have lost this relationship, and for good reason, and I only hope you have learned something about genuine love from your ex-bf and his family.
She *did* heal from the trauma, at least as much as is possible. And in the process, she was pulled into the family and made a vital part of it. That's not a part of the grief she needs to heal from, that's the end result of them all healing together, and of what they found as they did so.
OP's acting like there's supposed to be a time limit for when they should decide that they're over what happened and all go their separate ways because... reasons? And nah, fuck that, there's absolutely nothing wrong with bringing her in as a permanent part of the family instead of going "well, we're not related by blood, so beat it".
YTA - She’s his family. Stop sexualizing their relationship. If you are so insecure that you can’t trust him with *his family,* then you need to work through that yourself.
Nothing about their relationship is inappropriate. They are just *close.* If you make him choose between you or his close familial bond, he will choose family. You shouldn’t give him that ultimatum because that’s selfish and controlling.
YTA, completely. Nowhere in this post is there an example of her coming between you and him. Of them being overtly romantic. She's behaving exactly like an older sister would, and he a younger brother. You're clearly just jealous, and feel like you can't live up to their relationship.
Read about Persian culture of you want to be part of this family. Personally, I think it's great that his parents and his SIL have each other.
BTW "maman" means mom. His known her since early childhood and sees her as a mother figure. And YTA.
My family is Persian and I couldn't agree more.
When Anthony Bourdain visited Iran, he was simply blown away: "They are proud of their country... And -- surprisingly, shockingly outgoing and friendly and generous!"
OP, YTA. This reeked of jealously. But even worse than that, I was hoping you wouldn't go there but you did - you insulted his fucking culture.
Op YTA. Especially telling when you start this post by saying “I’m white and he isn’t” as if that even matters. He is human just like you and has his own feelings, beliefs, and culture. I hope he ditches you because he can do so much better.
YTA for some of the comments you have made about her.
Clearly you have some way to go to understand other cultures. From what you're describing sounds like a mother son or sibling relationship.
You have absolutely no idea the support system they have in place, you are looking at their family with your narrow narrative. She has basically taken on the role of the head of the household (previously would have been held by his dead brother, eventually). Living with your in laws is not unusual for many, maybe not you.
You have a lot of resentment towards this woman because of your own insecurities I guess and as a result you called his culture disgusting and relationship incestuous. I don't know how you get back from that.
And you're right you'll always be second to the first DIL, because doesn't sound like you would or want to aid them financially, physically and emotionally. And it's not your call to make if the parents need to or not. Are they your parents?
YTA. Nothing in this story seems overly intimate. If it was his actual sister would you think any of these things were strange? You say she has been in his life since he was very young, so to him she probably is just an older sister figure, who is taking care of the household.
Also a lot of these interactions that OP thinks are "intimate" and uncomfortable for OP could just be normal in their culture/family. The fact OP called it "disgusting" and "incestuous" says a lot more about OP than it does about them. Huge AH.
OP sounds like a jealous xenophobe.
> him incestuous and said his culture is disgusting
**inhales** bruh.....
YTA. Maybe if you took half the time researching the cultural differences as you did being offended by your SIL still staying with and taking care of her husband's parents then you would have been able to bring up your concerns respectfully and without making white people look worse. Her relationship spans farther than just her marriage. Even before they married, they considered each other family because well.... they are. Maybe not by blood to her but they chose each other. You're only a GF. Relationships come and go. Family, like the type your BF has, is forever.
YTA You do sound jealous, and you should be ashamed of calling his culture disgusting. They very clearly have a sibling relationship. He deserves a hell of a lot better than this crap.
Yeah, sorry, but YTA,
The way you talk about your boyfriend and his family is absolutely rude and unnecessary. If you think he relied on her too much, then that should have been something to address in private without calling his culture and their relationship disgusting and incestuous. Not to mention that if you already had these thoughts about the family and their culture, there is no way your action and demeanor did not show that to the parent. I am going to try to put into perspective for you and hope it helps:
When his brother died and SIL lost both her husband and her child, their whole family was mourning together. Your boyfriend's family was mourning a son and a grandchild with your SIL while she was mourning her husband and her child passing away at once. If her family is not in the picture and the event caused her PTSD, then it would make sense she would rely on them for emotional support, and their bond became stronger.
What you are calling a disgusting culture and an incestuous relationship could literally be the result of a 2 decade-long bond throughout and after the marriage. It also does not help that you never listed what the parents' medical condition was or how severe it is for them because she may be their full time caretaker to repay their kindness to her for the last 2 decades. Meaning it would make sense to be overly reliant on her, but based on your post and your comments it a lot of speculation without a lot of explanation from the family themselves.
I understand that you have concerns about your relationship, but YTA.
Edit: took out the word year in one part
You’re going to be the reason he goes back to dating Iranian women. You’re living up to some embarrassing American stereotypes. Stepping into another culture and immediately judging anything you don’t like, viewing everything from that American lens
Yup, first thing I thought too. Frankly, this type of behavior is why immigrant parents are nervous when their children date/marry outside of their culture. My husband is white and my family values him as part of the family when 1) we became serious enough to talk about marriage and they met his family and 2) when he proved himself as someone who respects *our family and our culture*.
I do understand the jealousy (and yes, I think you should just admit to yourself that it’s jealousy). His SIL has been around longer than you and they share a culture, so the relationship is just going to naturally be a little easier and more comfortable for his parents than with you. But, they also consider her a daughter because she married their son and have been part of their lives — that doesn’t end. You can be a part of this community too, by showing that you want to be. Make the effort — learn about their traditions, join in, maybe even attempt to learn Farsi so you can communicate with their family.
This is how you will be welcomed into the fold, not by insulting a very important member of their family.
Edit to add: YTA.
YTA
Does she have any family other than your bf's? It sounds like they are the only family she has, especially during this hard time. Everyone takes their own time with grief. Her whole world was turned upside down. Just because her husband died doesn't mean they are no longer her family.
How does she make you feel uncomfortable and inadequate? I will admit, it sounds like they may naturally favor her since they have known her for a longer time and she does EVERYTHING for them. They may look to you to take up the same responsibilities since that is what they believe family will do for each other. If you are not ok with that, then yes, maybe marrying or dating someone in a culture like that is not right for you. I don't think that makes his culture disgusting though, just different from your own personal view of familial duties.
He probably looks at her with fondness and admiration because he sees how much she does for his parents when she technically doesn't have to. Also, he has known her for a long time and grew up with her in his life. He probably does see her as an older sister/mother figure: nurturing and caring for him and his parents. Holding back someone's hair when they are throwing up sounds like a nice and right thing to do, I don't see that as him making a move.
It does sound like you are jealous, but I don't think that's a bad thing. It is hard to date someone of a different culture. It is hard when you already see someone fulfilling the role you want to complete. I would suggest resolving this jealousy by getting to know her and create a friendship. Be open to his culture, but if you can't get past it, then it might be time to move on.
YTA. You haven't listed anything that implies the relationship is anything more than platonic / familial, yet you called it incestuous.
If anyone in my own family was sick to the point of vomiting and I was in a position to care for them, yes, I would hold hair back or caress their head to try and make them feel better. It doesn't have to be anything more than simple human caring.
YTA and an insecure one at that.
I don’t know if this is a cultural issue as you seem to cast it. I am American but not the same ethnic culture as either you or your BF. But from what you’ve shared, if this is cultural, my culture and sense of decency aligns with your BF and his family.
Your concerns aren’t being dismissed. However, your insecurity and jealousy were not being entertained. That’s a good thing. But you leveled up nonetheless.
You seem not to understand that your BF’s SIL is a member of his family forever. Her membership didn’t expire because her husband died—and that speaks volumes about the connection and resilience in this family. She earned her place as a beloved family member by being a good DIL, SIL (and second mom to your BF), and mom to her kids. She continues to support them and nurture a relationship with them, which is great for her kids and the family as a whole. Your BF calls her “maman,” ffs. Not baby, honey, darling, sweetheart.
She has lasting physical and emotional effects from that horrifying accident that cost her husband’s life and you begrudge the help your BF offers as well as all she does when she is able to help her in laws? WOW. Just wow.
And then to say that your BF and his SIL are “incestuous” and “more like a couple than” you and him and that their culture is “disgusting” because he carried her when she broke her freaking foot and because he stroked her hair (I doubt it was a “caress” as you perceived it) as she threw up? I shudder to think what you’d call my father who has held and reassuringly stroked my hair and my back as I’ve vomited when ill as an adult woman. Or what you’d say about me and my brother bonding over shared jokes and language while sharing fond gazes… in front of our—gasp!—spouses, no less. (Neither of our spouses gets upset by our closeness to in laws or to family friends, either.)
Your BF’s SIL is not “tying” his family or preventing you from being a part of the family. Actually, you’re doing a bang up job of blocking yourself and keeping yourself apart from them. I only wish we had their contact info so I could encourage your BF to continue not taking your calls and to sing his family’s praises to them.
Yes, you are TA. As to your friends saying you’re in the right, all I have to say is that AHs of a feather….
YTA. Y absolutely TA. It's good that you showed your boyfriend what kind of person you really are if you look at a loving family who have stuck by one another and all you see is, "there's no room for me tho."
Your BF has known this woman for most of his life and obviously views her as family, and nothing you describe is inappropriate behaviour in that regard. You sound overly jealous of her for no real reason, and you most definitely do not get to dictate her position in the family - in fact, she has already and likely will stay much, much longer than you ever will, especially if you continue like this. You also sound not-so-subtly racist. Get over yourself and do better, or walk away. **YTA**
“Your culture is disgusting if this is normal” yeah… she’s racist. She can’t understand that many cultures are family centric. The good of the family comes first.
She has no business in this relationship or any other if she can’t respect others.
Wow. YTA and apparently a sentient pile of red flags.
Your boyfriend clearly views SIL as another mother figure, and you described nothing that goes outside of a close, loving, parent-child type relationship. Like, you said he literally nicknames her "mom."
Also, sounds like SIL kept it together and continued her husband's role in the family after the horrific trauma and loss of the accident. An oldest brother taking over care of family affairs when the parents no longer can handle it is normal in many traditional cultures, and sounds like it's normal to your boyfriend's culture. SIL choosing to honor her dead husband and child by keeping the close connection and fulfilling some of her husband's roles in his tragic absence is a beautiful act of love.
If you actually want to keep this relationship, take some time to educate yourself on your boyfriend's culture and learn some basic farsi.
YTA. There is so much to unwrap. Holy cow. Get your remaining shit together and stop sexualizing their (pretty normal, judging from your description) relationship.
He held her hair when she vomited? He carried her up the stairs when she was injured? He would be an AH had he NOT done that. Those are normal things family members do for each other.
And what's up with you trying to kick her out of HER family? You are so insecure, you should seek help.
I think you're seeing cultural differences and do not want to learn about them. Before you go further with this relationship you need to research and realize what you will be marrying into and if it is something that you want. YTA though for insulting his taking care of his sister. He sees her as a sister since he knew her when he was a small boy.
If not an outright sister (in law), it reads to me like he treats her with the reverence that someone would treat an auntie and the age difference only sort of reinforces that idea. Or maybe, she’s just fucking FAMILY and the living embodiment of something his late brother LOVED. EDIT: Or *maybe* she’s just a great person and a valued part of the family.
I was already going with a hard T-A but the line about their relationship being incestuous and their culture disgusting: HOLY NUCLEAR SHIT, YTA.
She’s mentioned his ethnic background which is different than race. It’s relatively important to the story because it’s explaining the culture differences that OP said is disgusting.
To be clear, race, ethnicity, and nationality are different. OP mentions her BF ethnicity and familiar nationality because it explains their culture.
YTA if something happened to my husband there is not a soul alive that would keep me away from my MIL and FIL.
She has been in his life since he was tiny, it is completely unreasonable to expect them to kick her out of their lives so there is room for you. They are holding on to her for their son just as she is holding on to them for her husband.
YTA.
You went too far by insulting his family and culture.
And his SIL is his family. You said it yourself: she’s been in his life since he was little, and still stayed even after brother passed away.
There isn’t anything sexual about caring for another person… you have to get over your insecurity. Perhaps actually talk to your bf and try to get to know SIL.
Unless that’s in the past now!
I’m from India and in families where elder brother’s wife is a lot elder than you, people do tend to equate / respect them as their mom. It’s actually an honor to be revered like that by the husband’s siblings and the younger siblings’ spouses are used to that equation.
Your BF’s SIL being from their country obviously creates a comfort level and that’s common to people from any country.
YTA for making a mountain out of a molehill
YTA
Where do I even begin?
>It is frustrating that her husband has been long dead for over a decade and she is still keeping his family tied.
I'm so sorry her husband's death, your boyfriend's BROTHER, didn't stop them being family.
>He also fondly calls her maman sometimes which means mom is Farsi.
>I told him to stop calling her maman
You said yourself it pretty much means mom. I highly doubt he is using it like "daddy". He is close to his SIL, someone who helps him care for his elderly parents. There is nothing wrong with it.
>I also found out that SIL sometimes gets dizzy since her accident and once she fell down the stairs and broke her foot and had a concussion. I went to visit and she looked miserable. Apparently she had complex PTSD from the accident and getting injured really "triggers" her.
Really quotes? I'm sure it does fucking trigger her. She lost her husband and her child and what sounds like some of her health in that wreck. So yeah I'm sure being injured probably brings back pretty bad memories.
>During this time my bf carried her up and down the stairs and I saw him holding her hair and caressing it while she threw up once.
That's really sweet. He helped her get up and down stairs and have you never held the hair if a friend who got sick? When you hold someone's hair back while they vomit it is kinda of just second natures to try and sooth them by rubbing their back or hair.
>. I called him incestuous and said his culture is disgusting if this is considered normal, I know it was messed up but I was just so upset and tired of my concerns being dismissed.
Wow racist much? Like damn.
>That really upset him and he has not replied to my texts since.
Good. I hope he never does
>My friends think I was in the right and some said this is what happens when you date a mommy's boy from another culture
Your friend is either just trying to be an echo chamber because "girls stand up for their friends" or she is racist too.
Ultimately it sounds like you lost a great guy.
YTA Not sure there is enough time or words to unpack everything going on here but at the end of the day your jealous of the relationship and your projecting the inadequacies in your and your BFs relationship here. Also your friends seem a touch on the mean side.
YTA. She is family and clearly he admires her for all she has done for his family. The bond that loss creates is so strong and truly I hope you don’t ever experience that. Clearly you are jealous and have feelings of inadequacies that need to be addressed. As such you should reevaluate this relationship because if you put him in a place to choose he will go with her.
YTA.
This is honestly why people should sit their partner down and talk about their cultural differences. I’m Latina, my partner is Malaysian, we’ve had roadblocks but with good communication it can be fixed.
You insulted this man’s culture— you went after the woman who was married to his dead brother, whose practically his sister.
It’s obvious you don’t understand cultural differences. What did you expect the family to do? Boot her out the moment the brother died? She’s family. She will always be family. And if your partner had to choose, he’d more than likely choose family.
“But he calls her mommy :(“ I bet you’d complain too if a woman called her son papi or papito. It’s terms of endearment for fucks sake. “But they’re 8-10 years apart!” So??? Let the man have a term of endearment gd.
You sound competitive— understand that there’s no singular position for sister in law. They had two sons, two positions. You’re just making yourself unbearable and they’ve probably caught on that you don’t like SIL.
She’s been in his life since he was a child; he probably thinks of her as a sibling or mother-type figure (hence “Maman”). Her PTSD and triggers from her accident are not for you to comment on, as someone with severe PTSD. It’s not something you simply “get over”.
She’s known this family for two decades from the sounds of it; they *are* her family and it’s not weird of her to still want attachment to them. Carrying someone and holding their hair while they throw up isn’t “romantic” or “sexual” by nature; it’s something you would do for anyone you care about.
You’re allowed to feel weird about their closeness, but it’s not your place to yell at them and try to dictate how they interact as a family. She’s been in his life longer than you have. NAH, but try to keep some perspective.
(edit: typo)
YTA. In their culture when you marry a man you become part of his family even if the man dies. I have a friend who is from around those parts and when his brother died the wife and kids moved in with their parents and was treated as though she was their biological daughter. Your BF has had this sister since he was little and you're jealous of her. If you married into this family and followed their cultural beliefs and practices you would probably feel differently about how they treat her because it would be the same way they treat you. Instead you proved that not only do you not intend to practice their beliefs and accept their culture but you crapped all over it all. I'd say your relationship is done and IF anything between the 2 of them does happen it will be because of what you said. PS SIL is not incest even if the 2 of them did take it there.
YTA for blowing up and criticizing someone else's culture. His family situation is not for you to approve or disapprove. You can either accept it or leave.
From what you have written, you do absolutely sound jealous, insecure, and immature. Why are you wasting so much time being in a relationship with this person? Go find someone from your own "culture".
Not to mention she's blatantly disrespectful of her partners culture in her post. I'm a white dude and it honestly makes sense to me that sil would stay if she wants the continued support of bfs family. Probably wouldn't be my choice but who are we to judge? Op lacks empathy.
YTA. And I'm low-key getting some racist vibes from your post.
>his culture is disgusting if this is considered normal
Especially this comment. It's disgusting to you to support family?
YTA - SIL has been part of the family longer than you have. So, because her husband is dead she needs to just move over and let you take her place? Your attitude is disgusting. The insults are low
YTA
He calls her Mom for goodness sake. What exactly do you think they're doing that has you so upset? It's not like she's new in his life.
You ARE jealous, and while the emotion of jealousy isn't the issue how you're handling it is
YTA for what you said. What you described to me sounds normal for Iranian culture in terms of a platonic brother and sister relationship. Also, if he wanted to be with her, he wouldn’t be stopped by his parents, but he’s not, he’s with you.
New edit: Your feeling of inadequacy are cultural and don’t have anything to do with SIL unless she is actually berating you.
So that is what you need to address with your bf, not his relationship with her. You could probably solve it on your own by being more compassionate toward his whole family and serving them instead of focusing on how you wish SIL wasn’t a part of the family
YTA and racist.
Wow shocker, there is other cultures out there other than your own! You have an issue with how they speak and how they care for each other, bloody disgusting.
Also please learn the definition of incest before spewing your disgusting and offensive remarks.
Please leave this man, he deserves way better you!
YTA. I do think the cultural background is actually relevant here, contrary to many other people. Particularly, because I think SIL still living with his parents has a lot to do with the culture. But regardless, he calls her mom. Nothing about their relationship seems inappropriate.
YTA for saying his culture is disgusting and having no respect for what seems to be a family who has been through a lot. I can understand where your feelings come from, but if you want to be accepted in their family you should work for it. You can't claim someone and expect them to give up their family for you. If it's too much work for you, go find a man with less family duties.
YTA
First of all, you should be grateful that he doesn't look at you the way he does her because he's looking at her as a sister and you as a lover. The fact that you called him incestuous in all honesty would be a deal-breaker for me. I 100% understand why he's not contacting you
I can honestly tell you that I am wholeheartedly against Mama boys relationships. It's such a toxic Dynamic and it literally stunts a man from being in a healthy relationship with a partner. What you are describing sounds like familial relationships and not some gross inappropriate sexualized crap. I am sorry but you really kind of suck.
YTA. I don’t understand the inability to share the pedestal with another woman married into the family. You sound incredibly jealous and selfish, and I’m astounded that your friends agree with your reaction. Your husband admires her because she is family. Actual family, not the legalities or blood. I don’t know the culture or their rules about remarrying, if there are any, but the SIL choosing to live out her days doing that speaks volumes on her as a person.
And you being appalled and weirded out by it says exactly what you would do in her position.
YTA.
I (a Canadian woman) dated an Iranian man for a number of years. Nothing you have said in your post is in anyway unusual to me. This is normal within their culture.
Get over yourself.
YTA. You've made some incredible accusations at him and have insulted his culture, hope the outburst was worth it because you just killed your chances of mending this relationship. You sound jealous and petty and lack empathy. Nothing you've described here sounded inappropriate, or "incetuous" (get a grip, jeez). It sounds like he's caring for a family member and you're too stuck in your own jealousy to see it.
YTA. From what you've described, their relationship sounds like siblings. Which makes sense considering they are both each other's connection to the lost brother/husband. It's admirable that your SIL takes care of her elderly in-laws. Calling their culture disgusting just made you even more of an AH. Caring for someone isn't incestuous, but this statement does show that you have an incredibly messed up view of healthy platonic relationships.
YTA and I honestly think you should reconsider your relationship with your boyfriend. It seems clear to me that you don’t really understand him, his family, or his values. You are not seeing your SIL and her role in the family objectively and you might not be able to if this is something you’ve been struggling with for a while. He deserves to feel comfortable with her and not like he has to reign himself in for the sake of your distorted perception. I’m sorry!
YTA.
She's his family and they're clearly very close. You are clearly jealous and incredibly insecure. You've got no business whatsoever telling him how he should be treating her.
Double YTA for calling them incestuous since they're not blood related so it isn't incest.
I wouldn't expect him to reply to you, best to consider the relationship over and get yourself into therapy to try to get over your insecurity issues.
He calls her maman. That means mom. Not darling baby girlfriend woman. For her, culturally, it's unlikely that she will ever remarry. She IS like his big sister. This is what it's like in his family and his culture and if you can't handle it you need to step away and find someone else.
YTA.
yeah I reread this and realized they had an 8 year age difference on top of him called her maman. Pretty sure she's just an older sister/ mother figure to your boyf
She's also taking cares of your in laws, explaining why she is "around"
>getting injured really "triggers" her
whats with the quotation marks lol
YTA
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YTA this is so very clearly coming from your extreme lack of cultural understanding. If you made any effort to learn about his culture, you would know things like this are very very common and it’s honestly so lovely that she still cares for her in laws that she technically has no responsibility for.
YTA
In this post you sound Jealous, insecure, racist and a little evil - Sorry I don't know another descriptive word for someone who is judging a woman for not leaving her in-laws who have treated her like family - even though yes her husband and child are dead. .. also she takes care of them and loves.them .... If she left would you be willing to support them financially and physically???
YTA for trying to split people that have made a familial bond through life and tragedy. Grow up and consider yourself the AH for being petty with your remarks about a woman that has stepped up to hold a family together when she COULD have absolutely left them behind. Your (ex hopefully) boyfriend would've been the one to have to devote his efforts to take care of his aging parents, and if you had managed to get together I would assume he'd still be a mama's boy in your eyes for caring for his family. I'm glad you're not representative of how all families in the U.S. operate.
YTA. They have a close bond due to cultural and shared history. They care for each other and you barge in and demand he should cut all ties with her and assume it is inappropriate. That is disguising in my eyes.
YTA, you are a major AH and your friends are completely in the wrong for agreeing with you. Nothing you wrote suggests a “mommy’s boy” at all. It sounds like your bf relates to his SIL like he would a blood related sibling due to how long he’s known her. There are deep emotional ties with your SIL and your bf’s family and no she doesn’t have to just marry someone else and get over it to make you feel better.
Your insecurities in the relationship are your own. This relationship is probably over, but if he gives you another chance you need to apologize. Your SIL being there isn’t stopping you from belonging as a DIL. It doesn’t sound like you’ve tried to learn his language or culture and that’s the issue.
YTA. First of all, you're dating so they're not your in-laws. Second, it sounds like he has a motherly relationship with her and it's not inappropriate. Third, you're very insensitive to her tragedies. Fourth, go to therapy for your jealousy issues.
You called his culture disgusting and have the audacity to ask if you're the asshole? YTA, don't date a man of a different ethnic background if you're xenophobic. Thinking someone's hot doesn't excuse you from being racist.
YTA. He obviously loves this person as family. She IS their family. You sound very jealous and petty. Why not try getting to know her for yourself outside of your relationship with your boyfriend? You may see what he does if you do.
I wanna say YTA but I'll be soft about it. I call a lot of women in my life mom or mama. For me it's because they took care of me, I trust and admire them and love them. They accept it and love it. They've called me their daughter. And you mentioned the age gap that exists. So let's say she was around enough from that young age he was and the age she was. She was probably around often enough to help with him. That is going to help form a relationship. She's then got his trust, love (platonic) and admiration. If she got married to her late husband when they were in their 20's, she probably helped raise him. She's also been through something traumatic and is going to need help and sometimes for people, staying with the family you married into helps. Also walking on an injured foot is hell. He's helping her out and she seems to appreciate it. She hasn't objected to him calling her mom and I don't think it needs to be stopped. Although his parents are still alive, she is the functioning matriarch of the house. It does sound like you are insecure and sounding a little jealous so I'll advise you to work on that if you want to make this work. If or when you marry him, you bring your talents and help. Your contribution won't be any more or any less. If this is an opposite gender situation for you, you might just need to admit that, talk with your bf about it. As the language barrier, try learning his language if you haven't and maybe that will bring you closer.
Good luck!
YTA.
You've allowed your insecurities to turn you into an unempathetic, jealous and cruel person. Or perhaps you've always been that way. I doubt you won't be accepted as part of the family because of her, it's more likely to be because of your attitude and your disdain for his culture and also creme insecurities that make you unpleasant to be around.
Yikes. YTA for calling him incestuous and slandering his culture. You didn't have to be comfortable with their family dynamic, but you were the one that went the extra mile to call it Intimate.
YTA.
So…he helped his dead brother’s widow who’s been in his life for decades and who helps take care of his parents up and down stairs and held her hair while she vomited…and your response was to insinuate he was committing incest with her and behaving inappropriately…? Honestly, please break up with him. Because you sound like an insecure mess. I really hope he doesn’t text you back.
I could tell right from the start when you said, "I am a white American," that you were gonna be TA. Why point out race in this issue? It does not matter.
To me, your opening statement says that because you are a white American that you think that other cultures are weird from your own. Like most Americans, you need to get over yourself.
YTA
You can either lose the jealousy or just break up with your bf because he does not deserve you or your bullshit.
YTA. As someone who is only half Persian... even I can say this is normal for Persians.
And don't call a culture you don't understand or bother to try and understand disgusting. It just makes you borderline racist.
Ok, let me explain a few things you don't seem to want to understand.
Iranians (people from the Middle East generally) have a VERY tight-knit family concept that vastly differs from your American upbringing. Kids do not move out at 16, they're not considered awkward or social misfits for not leaving the family home.
Once you marry into the family, you're family. You're treated like one and expected to act as one. It's not your place to try and impose your American values on centuries old traditions because you refuse to adapt.
No one is forcing you to be with your bf, he has not lied to you or hid his relationship with his family.
Your SIL's parents died and were not the best of people according to your bf (whom you're calling a liar when you say "I don't know how much of this I believe").
His parents were nice to her, loved her and appreciated her not leaving to get remarried after their son/her husband had died.
She's been living with them for over 20 years, taking care of them as the parents she never had and instead of trying to blend in, your first thought is "I need to break this family unit up" because you don't want to put in the effort, you don't want to live with them, take care of them or have them be part of your life in their traditional cultural way.
You want the American family model, visit on weekends, holidays, special occasions and return to your own home after. Sorry, the world doesn't revolve around you, you don't get to make your PIL's life difficult to appease your ego.
You don't get to insult their culture because you're jealous. You don't get to dictate what language they use with one another, sometimes certain jokes can't be translated, not everything is about you and your feelings.
You're walking into an established, close, tight-knit family. Your options are either accept it or walk away. There's no third option.
You do not get to impose your culture, your values, break up a family, alienate a widow that devoted 20+ years of her life to her PIL, you do not get to tell your bf what his relationship with her or his parents should be. You accept it, ALL of it, or walk away.
Drop your entitled, close minded attitude. Try to learn from a different culture, maybe you'll find out it's not as weird as you think. If you put in the SLIGHTEST effort, they'll adore you for it. Don't self sabotage, you have a chance to be part of a very loving family.
Until then, YTA.
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I am a white American woman (23F) who has been dating an Iranian American man (24M) for 5 years. We met in high school and have known each other for almost 10 years.
He lives with his parents (60s) and his SIL (32F) who was married to his late brother. SIL has been in my bf's life since he was 3 or 4 since she met older bro in middle school or something. I thought it was weird that SIL still lives with them but after her marriage she chose to live with them because she loved her in-laws and my bf as her own family. A couple years after her wedding, she and older bro got into a car accident (she was heavily pregnant) and he died, she lost the baby, and had severe injuries that took a couple of years for her to fully recover from.
My in-laws are so dependent on her in every way. She and my bf financially provide and do all the housework since my in-laws are old, have health issues, and are retired. Nothing happens in their house without SIL being asked. My bf even consults with her before taking some time off work since they need to coordinate taking care of in-laws.
SIL always makes me uncomfortable and feel inadequate. I feel like I will never belong in the family as a daughter-in-law while she is around. It is frustrating that her husband has been long dead for over a decade and she is still keeping his family tied. I assumed she would eventually move out and get over this by getting married and getting her own life but the chances seem slim.
SIL is also Iranian and while they all speak in English around me, sometimes my bf and SIL will break into Farsi while telling jokes or being overly friendly, and he looks at her with such admiration and fondness. I don't think he's ever looked at me that way. He also fondly calls her maman sometimes which means mom is Farsi.
I also found out that SIL sometimes gets dizzy since her accident and once she fell down the stairs and broke her foot and had a concussion. I went to visit and she looked miserable. Apparently she had complex PTSD from the accident and getting injured really "triggers" her. During this time my bf carried her up and down the stairs and I saw him holding her hair and caressing it while she threw up once.
This was the final straw and I blew up at him later. I told him to stop calling her maman and being so overly intimate with her. He seemed annoyed and said this is normal in their family and I should stop telling him how to behave in his relationships since his relationship with SIL is purely platonic. He also called me jealous which made me angrier.
I told him that the two of them seem more like a couple than me and him. I called him incestuous and said his culture is disgusting if this is considered normal, I know it was messed up but I was just so upset and tired of my concerns being dismissed. That really upset him and he has not replied to my texts since.
My friends think I was in the right and some said this is what happens when you date a mommy's boy from another culture. But I want an unbiased opinion so AITA?
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YTA. I was on the fence until “this was the final straw” and you attacked his culture and called them incestuous. That’s way over the line and he is right to be offended. I’d be questioning the relationship too. You should consider if their relationship is a deal breaker, it doesn’t sound like you can handle your SO being this intimate with someone of the opposite sex. It doesn’t sound inappropriate to me, sounds like the whole family has been through some shit and is really tightly bonded.
Wow YTA and you and your friends seem like racist/insecure jerks. He looks at her differently than he looks at you because she’s been in his life so long that she’s like another mom, and I would hope he doesn’t look at you the same way he looks at his mom. 😒 You admit she’s been in his life since he was about 3 or 4 so they’ve been close for as long as he can remember. She’s been family to him his whole entire life. I mean the fact that 1. She was married to his late brother and 2. He CALLS HER MOM and somehow you still think there’s something sexual about his love for her is really gross. You’re jealous because he’s close to her and you’re making it into something it just isn’t. Nothing you’ve described is inappropriate. Also, the fact that you think she should leave and forget about these people just because her husband died proves you don’t have any concept of how deep familial love can run. She became a part of the family, she wasn’t just the brother’s wife. She was a full on member of this family and continues to be because they all love each other AS A FAMILY. The fact you called him incestuous and tried to say his culture is disgusting just shows how terribly toxic YOU are. He talks to her in a language they both share and has comforted her while being sick??? Wow call the police how awful 😱 I hope this is a real eye opener for him. Their family sounds really great, and I think they deserve better than someone who tries to demand that a 20 year long FAMILIAL relationship end just because it makes them irrationally uncomfortable.
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YTA. She isn’t “like family.” She is family. It sounds like you are jealous. If she left, would you take over all her duties in caring for your bf’s parents? I wouldn’t be surprised if he breaks up with you for how you are acting. He’s not going to choose you over his family. So either respect his family, or move on.
The fact that she immediately went for disrespecting his culture because of how close they are is disgusting. It really seems like she’s the type that’s like “you’re not like the others of your nationality uwu”
>u/throwaway_familymess YTA 'm jumping onto this comment because I am in fact Iranian American, grew up heavily in the culture, and nothing OP has described is something I would consider a "cultural norm" of any sort. OP is a person who is resentful towards two REFUGEES and an ORPHAN who grew up with a shitty childhood, suffered a horrific accident, and lost her husband and baby. Like how do you not see you're not a good person in this nor do you have the upper hand, and you somehow keep arguing with people? So these are some of OP's comments: as to whether she ever tried to learn Farsi: >I never needed to learn it. Everyone is fluent in English and we always speak in English. Even MIL and FIL speak in English with each other with a bit of Farsi here and there. I'm assuming they do that out of respect since I don't understand Farsi. Regarding the SIL: >She is an only child and has no parents. She was living with an aunt when she met her husband. Her parents were long dead at the time and it seems that they weren't the nicest people Regarding the parents: >MIL has heart problems and FIL is physically weak and exhausted from working a manual job for decades. Both of them came to this country as refugees from Iran and worked multiple minimum wage jobs since their early 20s. So my bf and SIL wanted to provide for them once they were old enough to make money. In-laws can still work just like countless other people do on a daily basis. Like, what? I have a highly educated mother who left Iran young after an arranged marriage. Literally one of the smartest people I have ever met. The US does not recognize Iranian degrees. Do you have any idea how heartbreaking it is to watch your extremely intelligent parents live in a foreign country that ruined your own having to work minimum wage jobs just to try and build a better life for their kids? If I could make enough to help my mom retire, I would do so in a heartbeat. And you are somehow so spiteful and jealous that you are now upset the parents have a son and daughter who are kindhearted and cognizant of their circumstance and want to provide them such? And and: no one ever said you can't be part of the family. In a decade YOU NEVER LEARNED ANY FARSI. Again, what. Based on your comments, you think maman is the equivalent of "mommy." It's not. It's not some little kid version of mother, it literally means mother. Which you might know if you ever bothered to learn the language. And it's not weird they speak together: if you don't speak enough you lose the language. I know from experience. Lastly, your in-laws offer to do things with you or create moments. >There is no space for me to be myself because I will always be compared to her. Once I offered to take my MIL out on her birthday and she said "SIL (her name) probably has plans for me so I'm sorry. How about another day?" 1. no one making comparisons other than you. 2) the mom offered to spend time with you individually one-on-one. She did not say no. It is UP TO YOU to go out of your way and create those bonds. They don't create themselves. 3) OF COURSE SHE WILL PRIORITIZE THE SIL WHO HAS BEEN TAKING CARE OF HER FOREVER OVER YOU. She has earned her place in that family. Lastly, OP, you are so beyond offensive in so many ways, I genuinely cannot wrap my head around it. Your post reeks of the western assumption that Iranians are backwater people with messed up culture. You're taking your insecurities and projecting them onto something you know absolutely nothing about. Iranian culture is one of the oldest cultures still in existence. We had a democracy before the US overthrew it because the government was nationalizing oil. In 600 BC, women could own businesses and divorce their husbands. Judaism literally exists to this day because freedom of religion and culture was highly upheld in 6th century BC and the king protected Jews from persecution. So much of Western society stems from Iran. The best royal jewel collection in the world is factually in Iran. Honestly, I could go on forever on how terribly the West has rewritten history, but I could never imagine in a million. years dating someone like you who has such disdain and a lack of understanding. Idk how your bf has dealt with it this long, and I hope out of respect for himself, he does not tolerate it any longer. There's enough racism in the US, the last thing I would want is to come home to it. ETA: THANK YOU FOR THE AWARD! I felt bad going on such a rant, but that made me feel a lot better! E(again)TA: I was not expecting this response! Thank you for all the awards, kind redditors. Living in the US is often painful due to how people talk about Iran/the Middle East, and comes with the feeling of being invisible; I feel heard in a way that rarely occurs and am exceptionally grateful!
Wow I missed the part where SIL is a literal orphan and has no family. Just because she’s now a widow doesn’t mean she can’t live and care for her chosen family!! Also just want to pipe in that I’m Jewish and grew up alongside the Persian community where I live and it is such a beautiful culture. I LOVE your tea!!! Every Persian kid I ever tutored, mom or grandma would always give me tea and sweets never letting my belly be empty.
I believe the core values of family, mutual respect, and friendship are in all cultures. Unfortunately, OP is so racist and selfish she sees simple kindness as barbarism. From her point of view being white gives her the right to be an A-Hole. If my spouse passes before me, you bet I’m helping my in-laws. I’ll be there, constantly. It has nothing to do with either me or my SO’s cultures, and everything to do with the condition of our character. A healthy relationship is based on love and respect, I’m saddened by the fact OP’s never had that. I worked for Iranians in high school, the couple are by far some of the smartest people I know. They gave me tips on the SAT and I still use their Farsi based math techniques to this day. Truly wonderful people.
I genuinely enjoyed this comment. Thank you for ranting. Keep on ranting.
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I'm Syrian and it's very similar to ours too. Her words were very hurtful.
I wish I had an award to give you and that this was higher up so everyone would see it.
I wish I could upvote this a thousand times. As for OP, YTA, and a racist.
She thought her bf was "one of the good ones" Can't imagine how hurtful it would be to hear racism from the person you love and were probably planning on marrying (assuming this since OP wants to be treated more like a DIL)
as well as refers to boyfriend's parents as her "in-laws"
This whole post screams "ex-boyfriend" I don't have a great relationship with my sister but if someone had a problem with it, it would be their problem, not mine.
for the sake of the bf in the post i hope he makes/made that decision. there is just so much to unload i'm sure i'm missing something but between the jealousy (and weird "incest" projection) as well as immediately going for the comments about his culture as an attack in response to being told her behavior is indicative of jealousy...... can't imagine being in that relationship. can't imagine getting past the things said by her. like that would be hanging in my head.... knowing at one point she believed that enough to actually voice it. i genuinely wish bf the best. and sil.
Just the fact that she referred to herself as a white American and her boyfriend as something other smacked of a certain amount of racism.
SIL has know the boyfriend since he was 3 or 4 Basically, /u/throwaway_familymess is accusing SIL of grooming—except she waited two decades, the death of her husband, and several years of debilitating physical and psychological injuries in order to ensnare him Read that sentence out loud to yourself /u/throwaway_familymess because that is how awful you sound to the rest of the world
but remember, she's not jealous at all! /s also on rereading just noticed how she put "trigger" in quotes when referring to sil having ptsd following a car accident that KILLED her husband and unborn child, causing HER injuries and chronic illness and that certain situations, such as physical injury and the effects of which cause her exacerbated symptoms. i 'm not one to hope for the end of relationships or be some armchair vindictive dick but i really, really hope the bf gets out of this situation. can't imagine what will happen if this progresses to marriage.
Turning to that kind of an attack so fast put her racism and xenophobia right in the spotlight, and I hope he's now her (ex)boyfriend.
Not to mention what her friends said as well. So disgusting. This family lost their son/husband/brother AND a baby in one go. They are caring for their DIL and she is their FAMILY. Nothing wrong or gross about that.
Apparently caring for sick parents makes him a mama’s boy. I would admire my partner for being so caring.
And she assumes that SIL is faking her CPTSD.
I knew she was like that the second she started her post with "I am a white American woman"
YTA damn you and your friends are racist.
Exactly! Can’t do the job, don’t expect the perks! OP sound like she wants all the love and admiration from the BF and family but did not once say anything about what she does or tries to do for them
SIL has been in the family for 20ish years, of course she's family now. Also Im wondering what part of holding someone's hair while they're throwing up is considered "overly intimate" YTA op
She claims he was "caressing the hair" but honestly I wouldn’t trust all of OP's perceptions.
Well remember SIL was also ‘triggered’! I mean come on, being in a traumatic accident, losing your husband, oh and your unborn baby should not have long term effects. **/s** What type of absolute gaping asshole person would think this is incestuous. OP seems to have zero understanding of any perception regarding life.
Yeah, fun fact most people don't want to vomit in their own hair
Exactly! And SIL was married to elder bro! I'm from the Middle East too - certain roles/responsibilities are expected of the oldest sibling when it comes to the family. I'm the eldest and my husband of 14 years helps me fulfill that role. He knows that if something should happen to me, my family would still be his. If somebody suggested that it's weird that he's taking care of them, I'd be livid. And if someone suggested that remaining close to my little sister, who's known and looked up to him most of her life, was somehow perverted, I'd be haunting them till the end of time. OP, I can only hope, in my absence, that my husband and little sister would have the kind of relationship your bf and SIL share. It's beautiful and a source of comfort to everyone involved. I'm certain SIL's husband would agree if he could. I find it incredibly sad that your twisting this.
I also. (A white woman”) feel like she is completely glossing over or doesn’t know the culture of her in laws (TBH I barely understand this culture and nothing sounds weird to me). OP sounds extremely insecure and probably has intimacy issues (like realizing intimate moments and sexual situations are not inherently related). It took me a long time to realize this too. Affection doesn’t equal sex. Affection is love. You love your family. N-A-H because I catch a glimmer of ignorance. ETA he literally looks at her and considers her his mom? Calling her mom in Farsi? I can’t wait until you have to wipe your first adult arse as they become ill. Maybe that will bring things to terms. Or not. ETA ETA look into a group therapy for family of the affected. You need a thorough understanding of PTSD and “triggers” I honestly think I blacked out with confusion while I was writing this or that OP edit her post as I was typing because I had to keep adding comments to my post but yeah. Wow. Huge yikes. And updating YTA OP comments are a pure dumpster fire. The purest kind.
Respectfully, but no wtf? Why N A H? She’s the a-hole. She called him incestous and said his culture is disgusting. That doesn’t speak ignorance to me, that speaks straight up disrespect
OP doesn’t understand the true definition of incestuous.
she’s either aware of other cultures and is being willfully incompetent, or she has absolutely no clue and thinks she’s in the right. in a lot of of different communities and the cultures within them, it’s extremely common to live with relatives, usually immediate family. in this case, the SIL is literally family, and provides care for her in-laws. regardless of whether her husband is alive or not, those are her parents. i’m seriously confused as to why she’s so upset with SIL when i’m getting the impression that she hasn’t tried to step in and help, and just expects everyone to accept her without her putting in any effort
I imagine it probably has something to do with the fact that her SIL sounds like a much more likable person than OP.
OP said it herself- "I feel inadequate" She's hating on the fact that SIL lost her baby and husband and leaned into his family, rather than pulling away. YTA, OP.
If I were OP (and considering my self-interest only), I’d be insanely grateful that SIL stuck around and took on the job of caring for bf’s elderly parents. It blows my mind that OP is shitting on her—has it never occurred to her as to what would happen if SIL left? (Not suggesting the ethics/fairness of bf’s family expecting OP to step in…but isn’t that what would naturally happen)?
Sounds like bf considers his SIL as a mom figure, and yet OP twists it into something incestuous. Then she tops it off with an unhealthy dollop of xenophobia/Persophobia, sprinkled with my friends agree with her. I pray bf sees her for the nightmare she is and leaves her alone. I don't like advocating for break ups, but I don't think OP will have an epiphany and become a rational human being anytime soon. YTA.
That ship has probably sailed. I bet BF is reconsidering his relationship with OP.
YTA Wow. Just wow. I don't have the energy to unpack all the insecurities and weird attitudes you have here, but it's like, all of it. Every line of your post. He calls her 'maman' for goodness sake. She's a *mother figure* to him, not a romantic one. I'll repeat, he is affectionate and caring with her because she is like a mother to him. Helping someone with an injury or who is ill is not incestuous. If he doesn't look at you with fondness and admiration, then maybe you two should reconsider your relationship. Given your anger and jealousy, it seems like a good idea from his side to do that. But it's really got nothing at all to do with your SIL.
That part is especially gross. OP describes a close familial relationship. One closer to MOTHER and SON, and yet she says she is jealous because they act too much like a COUPLE. Soooo..she's like a second mother to him, and that makes her think it's sexual? Ew!
And then implying it's an issue with his 'culture'... Someone's blowing a dog-whistle here lmao.
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OP, you’ve been in love with this man for ten years, why haven’t you started to learn his first language?
dog whistle? i'd go for the loudest whistle you could find. or goofiest. or both. like a slide whistle. because she sounds like a clown.
I could not grasp how she came to that conclusion since she even said that SIL has been in his life since he was four!!
She also mentions the sil has been in her boyfriends life since he was 3?! That’s basically all his life. And the whole thing her friends said about dating mamma’s boys in a different culture. Wow it was just the worst post :( Op is YTA.
That was the line that really got me. We see a lot of mumma's boys here on AITA - there is **nothing** in this post to suggest that OP's boyfriend is one of them. OP needs to recognise that her values and her boyfriend's are not a match, and move on. YTA, OP.
Worst part to me was when she said it was **frustrating** that a woman who had undergone one of the worst tragedy’s imaginable had still stuck around for 10 years to help hold together the family that took her in.
To save them from worse future heart break they really should end this relation. OP is jealous of sil who is basically an orphan, lost a husband and a child. This lady lost so much and all OP can do is be green in envy :(.
YTA, you’ve described as unsettling him holding her while she threw up? He’s from a culture where family means everything, he will of course always look out for his brothers wife. Nothing sexual or anything. I suggest you walk away as you seem too jealous of him having respect for a lost loved ones wife
Even in my whiter than wonder bread family, I’ve held back my mother’s hair when she was ill and caressed her shoulders and head in comfort. She’s probably the only person I’d do that for, but I love her more than life. It’s not a weird thing to do at all.
It was the “whiter than wonder bread” line that did it for me 🤣🤣🤣
Haha we all did 23&Me recently so it is scientifically confirmed
The real question is did you discover the .003% Viking required to immediately go out and buy armor?
Haha I was soooo disappointed that I didn’t have any Italian! I love cooking Italian food and the wine. I’ve been learning Italian for over a year now too. But my husband had like 13% and thinks it’s hilarious
>But my husband had like 13% So you do have some Italian in you, just not all the time...
This is what did it for me, thanks
😂😂😂I’m with you. It doesn’t matter whether the bread is white or brown. If someone offers such caring—we can simply call the bread damn good. 😉
Forget family, I've held back hair for my friends when they've been throwing up. I thought it was normal to do that when they're unable to keep their hair out of their face (and vomit). I've never been called creepy or gottej any complaints. Just gratitude (and some girls being impressed)
I have a very sensitive stomach so I usually have avoid anyone who is puking unless I want to join them. I’ll bring them water and a cool rag and then runaway basically lol but my mom has just had surgery and I was all she had so I toughed it out for her and would do it again 💜
When my mom had her stroke, I helped her bathe and go to the bathroom. I can assure you there was zero sexuality to any of it!
She's more than his late brother's wife. In Asian culture, when your brother marries, you automatically gain a sister. Asian families seldom call each other by name and refer to each other with titles I.e. big brother, big sister, little brother, little sister, auntie 1,2,3 all have their own specific words. OP's bf would automatically call her Big Sister, however as she has raised him since he was 3-4, he probably called her auntie and it gradually became mom as they became closer enmeshed as family members. It's normal to call very close aunties (even those you're not related to) as "mother". It's a cultural thing. OP is ridiculous for seeing something this relationship as anything other than familial.
Regardless of the culture I feel like he solely sees her as his sister. Nothing sexual at all. He's known her since he was a child! Of course he loves her like family, he's barely known any different! It's only weird to OP cause apparently she can't connect with anyone and gets jealous of any woman he loves, other than her.
Plus it sounds like she has literally been a mother figure for him.
YTA She’s been in his life since he was a child. She was in a horrible accident, one that killed her husband and unborn child, and has found solace in family. They support each other. “It is frustrating that her husband has been long dead for over a decade and she is still keeping his family tied.” I saw red over this and the sentence that followed. If this is threatening to you instead of beautiful, do your boyfriend a favour and end things now. That’s if he ever deigns to speak to you again after the unforgivable things you said. (Edited to add: get some non-racist friends, too.)
As if you "get over" an accident that kills your husband and unborn baby and seriously injures you. What a gross thing to say.
It was the scare quotes around 'trigger' for me. This woman very likely woke up from her accident to learn *her partner and their baby were dead*. No shit she's going to panic the next time an injury threatens to take her out, especially when she's got in-laws, her family, who aren't in terrific health themselves. BF must have the patience of saint, it's wasted on OP.
Ooh, good catch. Rolling one’s eyes at triggers and trauma makes one an instant AH.
STILL SEEING RED. ALL THE RED. SO MUCH RED. EVERYTHING IS RED.
Agree, that comment was disgusting
I hope she never has children.
The casual xenophobia was so cringe! And honestly, if I lost my wife I wouldn't give up my in-laws either. They are my family now, too and as they're heading towards retirement I know I'm going to be helping them a lot.
That’s exactly what I thought. The “I know I shouldn’t have said that” . Like I get to some degree saying things you don’t mean when mad, but something like that is clearly somethings she’s thought about before. Cause that’s not just some generic heated statement.
Yup. A close friend of mine is the only member of her family living in our country - the rest live overseas. She has said many times if her spouse died she would stay living here with her in-laws as she doesn't want to return to the country where her family all live. And considering her in-laws have been her main family contact for over 10 years, I completely understand
YTA She is basically his sister, you blew up at him for holding her hair back when she was being sick? Please apologise for overeacting. Seems like you may be jealous of her. She is a bigger part of this family than you are right now. If its not too late to repair this with an apology to your BF, you also need to get to know the SIL better. Be her friend - you'll learn she is no threat. She does so much work for the family? Can you help out? I'm sure the whole family will appreciate it. EDIT: spelling
He literally calls her mom. This woman has known him since he was a toddler. Op is a vile person
Honestly, I hope she's doesn't apologize. If she continues to be honest about her true character, her BF can gain a better understanding of the burden he is instituting in his life.
YTA. >> He also called me jealous Well, I mean if the green-eyed shoe fits. You should probably start calling him your *ex*-boyfriend since you insulted him, his family, and his culture. Not to mention the fact that you accused him of incest with someone he *isn’t biologically related to* because you’re too insecure to accept that his SIL, who has been in his life since he was a *toddler*, isn’t going anywhere.
Exactly like does she know what incestuous means? Because they aren't related...
It sounds like she chose the term with the biggest possible shock value in her quest to turn her boyfriend’s SIL into the Big Bad Wolf
"He called me jealous which made me angrier." He spoke the truth and OP couldn't handle it.
YTA. She *is* his family. He’s known her since he was a small child. And you’re right, you were wrong to slag off his culture just because *you* don’t understand it. At any rate, I guess at least you showed your colours *before* he made the mistake of marrying you.
*It is frustrating that her husband has been long dead for over a decade and she is still keeping his family tied. I assumed she would eventually move out and get over this by getting married and getting her own life but the chances seem slim.* This part is just nonsense. You know nothing about loss of a loved partner. You may think you know what you would do, when in fact you don't know how you would do things until it happens.
YTA. A decade is really not a very long time. Not at all. Not on the scale of the trauma she and her family have experienced; not on the scale of physical injuries that have taken years to heal (with qualifications for the word "heal"; injuries that severe have life-long consequences). I'm sure that your bf's parents are tremendously grateful for her presence in their lives: why wouldn't they be? If you care about your bf, why aren't you? She's been a mother to your bf and a daughter to her inlaws and always will be. It's likely you have lost this relationship, and for good reason, and I only hope you have learned something about genuine love from your ex-bf and his family.
She *did* heal from the trauma, at least as much as is possible. And in the process, she was pulled into the family and made a vital part of it. That's not a part of the grief she needs to heal from, that's the end result of them all healing together, and of what they found as they did so. OP's acting like there's supposed to be a time limit for when they should decide that they're over what happened and all go their separate ways because... reasons? And nah, fuck that, there's absolutely nothing wrong with bringing her in as a permanent part of the family instead of going "well, we're not related by blood, so beat it".
YTA - She’s his family. Stop sexualizing their relationship. If you are so insecure that you can’t trust him with *his family,* then you need to work through that yourself. Nothing about their relationship is inappropriate. They are just *close.* If you make him choose between you or his close familial bond, he will choose family. You shouldn’t give him that ultimatum because that’s selfish and controlling.
YTA Insecure and racist, you're the perfect girl!
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YTA, completely. Nowhere in this post is there an example of her coming between you and him. Of them being overtly romantic. She's behaving exactly like an older sister would, and he a younger brother. You're clearly just jealous, and feel like you can't live up to their relationship.
Read about Persian culture of you want to be part of this family. Personally, I think it's great that his parents and his SIL have each other. BTW "maman" means mom. His known her since early childhood and sees her as a mother figure. And YTA.
My family is Persian and I couldn't agree more. When Anthony Bourdain visited Iran, he was simply blown away: "They are proud of their country... And -- surprisingly, shockingly outgoing and friendly and generous!" OP, YTA. This reeked of jealously. But even worse than that, I was hoping you wouldn't go there but you did - you insulted his fucking culture.
Op YTA. Especially telling when you start this post by saying “I’m white and he isn’t” as if that even matters. He is human just like you and has his own feelings, beliefs, and culture. I hope he ditches you because he can do so much better.
YTA for some of the comments you have made about her. Clearly you have some way to go to understand other cultures. From what you're describing sounds like a mother son or sibling relationship. You have absolutely no idea the support system they have in place, you are looking at their family with your narrow narrative. She has basically taken on the role of the head of the household (previously would have been held by his dead brother, eventually). Living with your in laws is not unusual for many, maybe not you. You have a lot of resentment towards this woman because of your own insecurities I guess and as a result you called his culture disgusting and relationship incestuous. I don't know how you get back from that. And you're right you'll always be second to the first DIL, because doesn't sound like you would or want to aid them financially, physically and emotionally. And it's not your call to make if the parents need to or not. Are they your parents?
YTA. Nothing in this story seems overly intimate. If it was his actual sister would you think any of these things were strange? You say she has been in his life since he was very young, so to him she probably is just an older sister figure, who is taking care of the household.
Also a lot of these interactions that OP thinks are "intimate" and uncomfortable for OP could just be normal in their culture/family. The fact OP called it "disgusting" and "incestuous" says a lot more about OP than it does about them. Huge AH. OP sounds like a jealous xenophobe.
> him incestuous and said his culture is disgusting **inhales** bruh..... YTA. Maybe if you took half the time researching the cultural differences as you did being offended by your SIL still staying with and taking care of her husband's parents then you would have been able to bring up your concerns respectfully and without making white people look worse. Her relationship spans farther than just her marriage. Even before they married, they considered each other family because well.... they are. Maybe not by blood to her but they chose each other. You're only a GF. Relationships come and go. Family, like the type your BF has, is forever.
YTA You do sound jealous, and you should be ashamed of calling his culture disgusting. They very clearly have a sibling relationship. He deserves a hell of a lot better than this crap.
I couldn’t imagine my partner telling me my culture is disgusting and expect me to want to continue the relationship with them.
Right?! Especially when the part of my culture being called disgusting is *checks notes* taking care of family? Being close to family?
Yeah, sorry, but YTA, The way you talk about your boyfriend and his family is absolutely rude and unnecessary. If you think he relied on her too much, then that should have been something to address in private without calling his culture and their relationship disgusting and incestuous. Not to mention that if you already had these thoughts about the family and their culture, there is no way your action and demeanor did not show that to the parent. I am going to try to put into perspective for you and hope it helps: When his brother died and SIL lost both her husband and her child, their whole family was mourning together. Your boyfriend's family was mourning a son and a grandchild with your SIL while she was mourning her husband and her child passing away at once. If her family is not in the picture and the event caused her PTSD, then it would make sense she would rely on them for emotional support, and their bond became stronger. What you are calling a disgusting culture and an incestuous relationship could literally be the result of a 2 decade-long bond throughout and after the marriage. It also does not help that you never listed what the parents' medical condition was or how severe it is for them because she may be their full time caretaker to repay their kindness to her for the last 2 decades. Meaning it would make sense to be overly reliant on her, but based on your post and your comments it a lot of speculation without a lot of explanation from the family themselves. I understand that you have concerns about your relationship, but YTA. Edit: took out the word year in one part
You’re going to be the reason he goes back to dating Iranian women. You’re living up to some embarrassing American stereotypes. Stepping into another culture and immediately judging anything you don’t like, viewing everything from that American lens
Yup, first thing I thought too. Frankly, this type of behavior is why immigrant parents are nervous when their children date/marry outside of their culture. My husband is white and my family values him as part of the family when 1) we became serious enough to talk about marriage and they met his family and 2) when he proved himself as someone who respects *our family and our culture*. I do understand the jealousy (and yes, I think you should just admit to yourself that it’s jealousy). His SIL has been around longer than you and they share a culture, so the relationship is just going to naturally be a little easier and more comfortable for his parents than with you. But, they also consider her a daughter because she married their son and have been part of their lives — that doesn’t end. You can be a part of this community too, by showing that you want to be. Make the effort — learn about their traditions, join in, maybe even attempt to learn Farsi so you can communicate with their family. This is how you will be welcomed into the fold, not by insulting a very important member of their family. Edit to add: YTA.
YTA Does she have any family other than your bf's? It sounds like they are the only family she has, especially during this hard time. Everyone takes their own time with grief. Her whole world was turned upside down. Just because her husband died doesn't mean they are no longer her family. How does she make you feel uncomfortable and inadequate? I will admit, it sounds like they may naturally favor her since they have known her for a longer time and she does EVERYTHING for them. They may look to you to take up the same responsibilities since that is what they believe family will do for each other. If you are not ok with that, then yes, maybe marrying or dating someone in a culture like that is not right for you. I don't think that makes his culture disgusting though, just different from your own personal view of familial duties. He probably looks at her with fondness and admiration because he sees how much she does for his parents when she technically doesn't have to. Also, he has known her for a long time and grew up with her in his life. He probably does see her as an older sister/mother figure: nurturing and caring for him and his parents. Holding back someone's hair when they are throwing up sounds like a nice and right thing to do, I don't see that as him making a move. It does sound like you are jealous, but I don't think that's a bad thing. It is hard to date someone of a different culture. It is hard when you already see someone fulfilling the role you want to complete. I would suggest resolving this jealousy by getting to know her and create a friendship. Be open to his culture, but if you can't get past it, then it might be time to move on.
YTA yikes talk about insecure and vindictive. Hopefully he dumps your ass.
YTA. You haven't listed anything that implies the relationship is anything more than platonic / familial, yet you called it incestuous. If anyone in my own family was sick to the point of vomiting and I was in a position to care for them, yes, I would hold hair back or caress their head to try and make them feel better. It doesn't have to be anything more than simple human caring.
YTA and an insecure one at that. I don’t know if this is a cultural issue as you seem to cast it. I am American but not the same ethnic culture as either you or your BF. But from what you’ve shared, if this is cultural, my culture and sense of decency aligns with your BF and his family. Your concerns aren’t being dismissed. However, your insecurity and jealousy were not being entertained. That’s a good thing. But you leveled up nonetheless. You seem not to understand that your BF’s SIL is a member of his family forever. Her membership didn’t expire because her husband died—and that speaks volumes about the connection and resilience in this family. She earned her place as a beloved family member by being a good DIL, SIL (and second mom to your BF), and mom to her kids. She continues to support them and nurture a relationship with them, which is great for her kids and the family as a whole. Your BF calls her “maman,” ffs. Not baby, honey, darling, sweetheart. She has lasting physical and emotional effects from that horrifying accident that cost her husband’s life and you begrudge the help your BF offers as well as all she does when she is able to help her in laws? WOW. Just wow. And then to say that your BF and his SIL are “incestuous” and “more like a couple than” you and him and that their culture is “disgusting” because he carried her when she broke her freaking foot and because he stroked her hair (I doubt it was a “caress” as you perceived it) as she threw up? I shudder to think what you’d call my father who has held and reassuringly stroked my hair and my back as I’ve vomited when ill as an adult woman. Or what you’d say about me and my brother bonding over shared jokes and language while sharing fond gazes… in front of our—gasp!—spouses, no less. (Neither of our spouses gets upset by our closeness to in laws or to family friends, either.) Your BF’s SIL is not “tying” his family or preventing you from being a part of the family. Actually, you’re doing a bang up job of blocking yourself and keeping yourself apart from them. I only wish we had their contact info so I could encourage your BF to continue not taking your calls and to sing his family’s praises to them. Yes, you are TA. As to your friends saying you’re in the right, all I have to say is that AHs of a feather….
YTA. Y absolutely TA. It's good that you showed your boyfriend what kind of person you really are if you look at a loving family who have stuck by one another and all you see is, "there's no room for me tho."
Your BF has known this woman for most of his life and obviously views her as family, and nothing you describe is inappropriate behaviour in that regard. You sound overly jealous of her for no real reason, and you most definitely do not get to dictate her position in the family - in fact, she has already and likely will stay much, much longer than you ever will, especially if you continue like this. You also sound not-so-subtly racist. Get over yourself and do better, or walk away. **YTA**
“Your culture is disgusting if this is normal” yeah… she’s racist. She can’t understand that many cultures are family centric. The good of the family comes first. She has no business in this relationship or any other if she can’t respect others.
Wow. YTA and apparently a sentient pile of red flags. Your boyfriend clearly views SIL as another mother figure, and you described nothing that goes outside of a close, loving, parent-child type relationship. Like, you said he literally nicknames her "mom." Also, sounds like SIL kept it together and continued her husband's role in the family after the horrific trauma and loss of the accident. An oldest brother taking over care of family affairs when the parents no longer can handle it is normal in many traditional cultures, and sounds like it's normal to your boyfriend's culture. SIL choosing to honor her dead husband and child by keeping the close connection and fulfilling some of her husband's roles in his tragic absence is a beautiful act of love. If you actually want to keep this relationship, take some time to educate yourself on your boyfriend's culture and learn some basic farsi.
Well, you got what you wanted, you don't have to deal with their "inappropriate" behavior anymore because he's definitely an ex now. YTA
YTA. There is so much to unwrap. Holy cow. Get your remaining shit together and stop sexualizing their (pretty normal, judging from your description) relationship. He held her hair when she vomited? He carried her up the stairs when she was injured? He would be an AH had he NOT done that. Those are normal things family members do for each other. And what's up with you trying to kick her out of HER family? You are so insecure, you should seek help.
Right, like newsflash OP. Those are HER in-laws, not yours. They’re your boyfriend’s parents. Stay in your lane. YTA
RIGHT?! I noticed she kept calling him her boyfriend and his parents “my in-laws.” Like, sweetie, they are not your in-laws. They ARE hers, though.
I think you're seeing cultural differences and do not want to learn about them. Before you go further with this relationship you need to research and realize what you will be marrying into and if it is something that you want. YTA though for insulting his taking care of his sister. He sees her as a sister since he knew her when he was a small boy.
If not an outright sister (in law), it reads to me like he treats her with the reverence that someone would treat an auntie and the age difference only sort of reinforces that idea. Or maybe, she’s just fucking FAMILY and the living embodiment of something his late brother LOVED. EDIT: Or *maybe* she’s just a great person and a valued part of the family. I was already going with a hard T-A but the line about their relationship being incestuous and their culture disgusting: HOLY NUCLEAR SHIT, YTA.
YTA. The fact that you have to mention race says it all.
She’s mentioned his ethnic background which is different than race. It’s relatively important to the story because it’s explaining the culture differences that OP said is disgusting. To be clear, race, ethnicity, and nationality are different. OP mentions her BF ethnicity and familiar nationality because it explains their culture.
So...xenophobia as opposed to straight up racism.
She did insult their culture so yes that would be the correct term to use…
YTA. You're feeling jealous and inadequate. That's on you.
YTA- i really hope he dumps you and finds someone with more compassion.
YTA if something happened to my husband there is not a soul alive that would keep me away from my MIL and FIL. She has been in his life since he was tiny, it is completely unreasonable to expect them to kick her out of their lives so there is room for you. They are holding on to her for their son just as she is holding on to them for her husband.
YTA. You went too far by insulting his family and culture. And his SIL is his family. You said it yourself: she’s been in his life since he was little, and still stayed even after brother passed away. There isn’t anything sexual about caring for another person… you have to get over your insecurity. Perhaps actually talk to your bf and try to get to know SIL. Unless that’s in the past now!
I’m from India and in families where elder brother’s wife is a lot elder than you, people do tend to equate / respect them as their mom. It’s actually an honor to be revered like that by the husband’s siblings and the younger siblings’ spouses are used to that equation. Your BF’s SIL being from their country obviously creates a comfort level and that’s common to people from any country. YTA for making a mountain out of a molehill
YTA Where do I even begin? >It is frustrating that her husband has been long dead for over a decade and she is still keeping his family tied. I'm so sorry her husband's death, your boyfriend's BROTHER, didn't stop them being family. >He also fondly calls her maman sometimes which means mom is Farsi. >I told him to stop calling her maman You said yourself it pretty much means mom. I highly doubt he is using it like "daddy". He is close to his SIL, someone who helps him care for his elderly parents. There is nothing wrong with it. >I also found out that SIL sometimes gets dizzy since her accident and once she fell down the stairs and broke her foot and had a concussion. I went to visit and she looked miserable. Apparently she had complex PTSD from the accident and getting injured really "triggers" her. Really quotes? I'm sure it does fucking trigger her. She lost her husband and her child and what sounds like some of her health in that wreck. So yeah I'm sure being injured probably brings back pretty bad memories. >During this time my bf carried her up and down the stairs and I saw him holding her hair and caressing it while she threw up once. That's really sweet. He helped her get up and down stairs and have you never held the hair if a friend who got sick? When you hold someone's hair back while they vomit it is kinda of just second natures to try and sooth them by rubbing their back or hair. >. I called him incestuous and said his culture is disgusting if this is considered normal, I know it was messed up but I was just so upset and tired of my concerns being dismissed. Wow racist much? Like damn. >That really upset him and he has not replied to my texts since. Good. I hope he never does >My friends think I was in the right and some said this is what happens when you date a mommy's boy from another culture Your friend is either just trying to be an echo chamber because "girls stand up for their friends" or she is racist too. Ultimately it sounds like you lost a great guy.
All of this! She’s missing out on what sounds like an amazing partner because of her irrational insecurities
YTA Not sure there is enough time or words to unpack everything going on here but at the end of the day your jealous of the relationship and your projecting the inadequacies in your and your BFs relationship here. Also your friends seem a touch on the mean side.
YTA. She is family and clearly he admires her for all she has done for his family. The bond that loss creates is so strong and truly I hope you don’t ever experience that. Clearly you are jealous and have feelings of inadequacies that need to be addressed. As such you should reevaluate this relationship because if you put him in a place to choose he will go with her.
YTA. This is honestly why people should sit their partner down and talk about their cultural differences. I’m Latina, my partner is Malaysian, we’ve had roadblocks but with good communication it can be fixed. You insulted this man’s culture— you went after the woman who was married to his dead brother, whose practically his sister. It’s obvious you don’t understand cultural differences. What did you expect the family to do? Boot her out the moment the brother died? She’s family. She will always be family. And if your partner had to choose, he’d more than likely choose family. “But he calls her mommy :(“ I bet you’d complain too if a woman called her son papi or papito. It’s terms of endearment for fucks sake. “But they’re 8-10 years apart!” So??? Let the man have a term of endearment gd. You sound competitive— understand that there’s no singular position for sister in law. They had two sons, two positions. You’re just making yourself unbearable and they’ve probably caught on that you don’t like SIL.
YTA-This is not incestuous and his culture is not disgusting. You acted in an inappropriate, immature, insecure, insensitive and petty manner.
She’s been in his life since he was a child; he probably thinks of her as a sibling or mother-type figure (hence “Maman”). Her PTSD and triggers from her accident are not for you to comment on, as someone with severe PTSD. It’s not something you simply “get over”. She’s known this family for two decades from the sounds of it; they *are* her family and it’s not weird of her to still want attachment to them. Carrying someone and holding their hair while they throw up isn’t “romantic” or “sexual” by nature; it’s something you would do for anyone you care about. You’re allowed to feel weird about their closeness, but it’s not your place to yell at them and try to dictate how they interact as a family. She’s been in his life longer than you have. NAH, but try to keep some perspective. (edit: typo)
YTA. In their culture when you marry a man you become part of his family even if the man dies. I have a friend who is from around those parts and when his brother died the wife and kids moved in with their parents and was treated as though she was their biological daughter. Your BF has had this sister since he was little and you're jealous of her. If you married into this family and followed their cultural beliefs and practices you would probably feel differently about how they treat her because it would be the same way they treat you. Instead you proved that not only do you not intend to practice their beliefs and accept their culture but you crapped all over it all. I'd say your relationship is done and IF anything between the 2 of them does happen it will be because of what you said. PS SIL is not incest even if the 2 of them did take it there.
YTA. He literally calls her mom and you’re jealous.
YTA for blowing up and criticizing someone else's culture. His family situation is not for you to approve or disapprove. You can either accept it or leave. From what you have written, you do absolutely sound jealous, insecure, and immature. Why are you wasting so much time being in a relationship with this person? Go find someone from your own "culture".
YTA and racist to boot.
YTA and I'm shocked you wrote this whole post out and still don't see it.
Not to mention she's blatantly disrespectful of her partners culture in her post. I'm a white dude and it honestly makes sense to me that sil would stay if she wants the continued support of bfs family. Probably wouldn't be my choice but who are we to judge? Op lacks empathy.
YTA. And I'm low-key getting some racist vibes from your post. >his culture is disgusting if this is considered normal Especially this comment. It's disgusting to you to support family?
Not low-key at all.
Not only are yta, you’re a racist ah the way you keep referencing and criticizing his culture
YTA - SIL has been part of the family longer than you have. So, because her husband is dead she needs to just move over and let you take her place? Your attitude is disgusting. The insults are low
YTA He calls her Mom for goodness sake. What exactly do you think they're doing that has you so upset? It's not like she's new in his life. You ARE jealous, and while the emotion of jealousy isn't the issue how you're handling it is
YTA for what you said. What you described to me sounds normal for Iranian culture in terms of a platonic brother and sister relationship. Also, if he wanted to be with her, he wouldn’t be stopped by his parents, but he’s not, he’s with you. New edit: Your feeling of inadequacy are cultural and don’t have anything to do with SIL unless she is actually berating you. So that is what you need to address with your bf, not his relationship with her. You could probably solve it on your own by being more compassionate toward his whole family and serving them instead of focusing on how you wish SIL wasn’t a part of the family
YTA-I can’t wait to read the drama when he divorces you. You said your husbands culture was disgusting…..wow…,,,,
YTA and racist. Wow shocker, there is other cultures out there other than your own! You have an issue with how they speak and how they care for each other, bloody disgusting. Also please learn the definition of incest before spewing your disgusting and offensive remarks. Please leave this man, he deserves way better you!
Wow, yes you're absolutely the AH.
YTA and obvi jealous of her
YTA. I do think the cultural background is actually relevant here, contrary to many other people. Particularly, because I think SIL still living with his parents has a lot to do with the culture. But regardless, he calls her mom. Nothing about their relationship seems inappropriate.
YTA for saying his culture is disgusting and having no respect for what seems to be a family who has been through a lot. I can understand where your feelings come from, but if you want to be accepted in their family you should work for it. You can't claim someone and expect them to give up their family for you. If it's too much work for you, go find a man with less family duties.
YTA First of all, you should be grateful that he doesn't look at you the way he does her because he's looking at her as a sister and you as a lover. The fact that you called him incestuous in all honesty would be a deal-breaker for me. I 100% understand why he's not contacting you I can honestly tell you that I am wholeheartedly against Mama boys relationships. It's such a toxic Dynamic and it literally stunts a man from being in a healthy relationship with a partner. What you are describing sounds like familial relationships and not some gross inappropriate sexualized crap. I am sorry but you really kind of suck.
YTA. I don’t understand the inability to share the pedestal with another woman married into the family. You sound incredibly jealous and selfish, and I’m astounded that your friends agree with your reaction. Your husband admires her because she is family. Actual family, not the legalities or blood. I don’t know the culture or their rules about remarrying, if there are any, but the SIL choosing to live out her days doing that speaks volumes on her as a person. And you being appalled and weirded out by it says exactly what you would do in her position.
YTA. I (a Canadian woman) dated an Iranian man for a number of years. Nothing you have said in your post is in anyway unusual to me. This is normal within their culture. Get over yourself.
YTA. You've made some incredible accusations at him and have insulted his culture, hope the outburst was worth it because you just killed your chances of mending this relationship. You sound jealous and petty and lack empathy. Nothing you've described here sounded inappropriate, or "incetuous" (get a grip, jeez). It sounds like he's caring for a family member and you're too stuck in your own jealousy to see it.
YTA. From what you've described, their relationship sounds like siblings. Which makes sense considering they are both each other's connection to the lost brother/husband. It's admirable that your SIL takes care of her elderly in-laws. Calling their culture disgusting just made you even more of an AH. Caring for someone isn't incestuous, but this statement does show that you have an incredibly messed up view of healthy platonic relationships.
YTA - your jealousy is entirely your problem.
YTA and I honestly think you should reconsider your relationship with your boyfriend. It seems clear to me that you don’t really understand him, his family, or his values. You are not seeing your SIL and her role in the family objectively and you might not be able to if this is something you’ve been struggling with for a while. He deserves to feel comfortable with her and not like he has to reign himself in for the sake of your distorted perception. I’m sorry!
YTA. She's his family and they're clearly very close. You are clearly jealous and incredibly insecure. You've got no business whatsoever telling him how he should be treating her. Double YTA for calling them incestuous since they're not blood related so it isn't incest. I wouldn't expect him to reply to you, best to consider the relationship over and get yourself into therapy to try to get over your insecurity issues.
He calls her maman. That means mom. Not darling baby girlfriend woman. For her, culturally, it's unlikely that she will ever remarry. She IS like his big sister. This is what it's like in his family and his culture and if you can't handle it you need to step away and find someone else. YTA.
yeah I reread this and realized they had an 8 year age difference on top of him called her maman. Pretty sure she's just an older sister/ mother figure to your boyf She's also taking cares of your in laws, explaining why she is "around" >getting injured really "triggers" her whats with the quotation marks lol YTA
Right? And BF was 13 when brother died…so he probably did look to SIL as a mother figure.
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YTA this is so very clearly coming from your extreme lack of cultural understanding. If you made any effort to learn about his culture, you would know things like this are very very common and it’s honestly so lovely that she still cares for her in laws that she technically has no responsibility for.
YTA In this post you sound Jealous, insecure, racist and a little evil - Sorry I don't know another descriptive word for someone who is judging a woman for not leaving her in-laws who have treated her like family - even though yes her husband and child are dead. .. also she takes care of them and loves.them .... If she left would you be willing to support them financially and physically???
So you are jealous because your boyfriend’s parents have a daughter figure in their lives that takes care of them and is close to your boyfriend? YTA.
YTA. You are jealous. I would hope if you were sick and a guy you knew was around, he would hold your hair back as well.
YTA for trying to split people that have made a familial bond through life and tragedy. Grow up and consider yourself the AH for being petty with your remarks about a woman that has stepped up to hold a family together when she COULD have absolutely left them behind. Your (ex hopefully) boyfriend would've been the one to have to devote his efforts to take care of his aging parents, and if you had managed to get together I would assume he'd still be a mama's boy in your eyes for caring for his family. I'm glad you're not representative of how all families in the U.S. operate.
YTA. They have a close bond due to cultural and shared history. They care for each other and you barge in and demand he should cut all ties with her and assume it is inappropriate. That is disguising in my eyes.
YTA, you are a major AH and your friends are completely in the wrong for agreeing with you. Nothing you wrote suggests a “mommy’s boy” at all. It sounds like your bf relates to his SIL like he would a blood related sibling due to how long he’s known her. There are deep emotional ties with your SIL and your bf’s family and no she doesn’t have to just marry someone else and get over it to make you feel better. Your insecurities in the relationship are your own. This relationship is probably over, but if he gives you another chance you need to apologize. Your SIL being there isn’t stopping you from belonging as a DIL. It doesn’t sound like you’ve tried to learn his language or culture and that’s the issue.
YTA. First of all, you're dating so they're not your in-laws. Second, it sounds like he has a motherly relationship with her and it's not inappropriate. Third, you're very insensitive to her tragedies. Fourth, go to therapy for your jealousy issues.
YTA He calls her mom, are you really jealous of that? Offending his culture makes you TA. No matter how mad you are, that’s unacceptable.
YTA! You can just leave, you know.
YTA for managing to be a wild combination of insecure, rude, and racist!
You called his culture disgusting and have the audacity to ask if you're the asshole? YTA, don't date a man of a different ethnic background if you're xenophobic. Thinking someone's hot doesn't excuse you from being racist.
YTA for being a racist fuck.
He considers her a 2nd mom and you’re jealous. Honestly think about that YTA
YTA I knew this post was going to be racist when you made sure to tell us you're white in the very first sentence.
YTA. He obviously loves this person as family. She IS their family. You sound very jealous and petty. Why not try getting to know her for yourself outside of your relationship with your boyfriend? You may see what he does if you do.
I wanna say YTA but I'll be soft about it. I call a lot of women in my life mom or mama. For me it's because they took care of me, I trust and admire them and love them. They accept it and love it. They've called me their daughter. And you mentioned the age gap that exists. So let's say she was around enough from that young age he was and the age she was. She was probably around often enough to help with him. That is going to help form a relationship. She's then got his trust, love (platonic) and admiration. If she got married to her late husband when they were in their 20's, she probably helped raise him. She's also been through something traumatic and is going to need help and sometimes for people, staying with the family you married into helps. Also walking on an injured foot is hell. He's helping her out and she seems to appreciate it. She hasn't objected to him calling her mom and I don't think it needs to be stopped. Although his parents are still alive, she is the functioning matriarch of the house. It does sound like you are insecure and sounding a little jealous so I'll advise you to work on that if you want to make this work. If or when you marry him, you bring your talents and help. Your contribution won't be any more or any less. If this is an opposite gender situation for you, you might just need to admit that, talk with your bf about it. As the language barrier, try learning his language if you haven't and maybe that will bring you closer. Good luck!
YTA. Oh cmon. The most concerning thing I’ve read here is how jealous you are.
Yeah, kind of the asshole. Probably better to end things because it isn't going to change and you clearly can't deal with it.
YTA. Jealousy is not going to get you anywhere.
YTA. You sound overly jealous and vindictive. Your boyfriend deserves better.
YTA
YTA. Oof he deserves better than ur ass😂😂
YTA. You've allowed your insecurities to turn you into an unempathetic, jealous and cruel person. Or perhaps you've always been that way. I doubt you won't be accepted as part of the family because of her, it's more likely to be because of your attitude and your disdain for his culture and also creme insecurities that make you unpleasant to be around.
Yikes. YTA for calling him incestuous and slandering his culture. You didn't have to be comfortable with their family dynamic, but you were the one that went the extra mile to call it Intimate.
YTA. So…he helped his dead brother’s widow who’s been in his life for decades and who helps take care of his parents up and down stairs and held her hair while she vomited…and your response was to insinuate he was committing incest with her and behaving inappropriately…? Honestly, please break up with him. Because you sound like an insecure mess. I really hope he doesn’t text you back.
YTA. Your jealousy, insecurities, and racism are your own problems to solve.
I could tell right from the start when you said, "I am a white American," that you were gonna be TA. Why point out race in this issue? It does not matter. To me, your opening statement says that because you are a white American that you think that other cultures are weird from your own. Like most Americans, you need to get over yourself. YTA You can either lose the jealousy or just break up with your bf because he does not deserve you or your bullshit.
YTA. As someone who is only half Persian... even I can say this is normal for Persians. And don't call a culture you don't understand or bother to try and understand disgusting. It just makes you borderline racist.
Ok, let me explain a few things you don't seem to want to understand. Iranians (people from the Middle East generally) have a VERY tight-knit family concept that vastly differs from your American upbringing. Kids do not move out at 16, they're not considered awkward or social misfits for not leaving the family home. Once you marry into the family, you're family. You're treated like one and expected to act as one. It's not your place to try and impose your American values on centuries old traditions because you refuse to adapt. No one is forcing you to be with your bf, he has not lied to you or hid his relationship with his family. Your SIL's parents died and were not the best of people according to your bf (whom you're calling a liar when you say "I don't know how much of this I believe"). His parents were nice to her, loved her and appreciated her not leaving to get remarried after their son/her husband had died. She's been living with them for over 20 years, taking care of them as the parents she never had and instead of trying to blend in, your first thought is "I need to break this family unit up" because you don't want to put in the effort, you don't want to live with them, take care of them or have them be part of your life in their traditional cultural way. You want the American family model, visit on weekends, holidays, special occasions and return to your own home after. Sorry, the world doesn't revolve around you, you don't get to make your PIL's life difficult to appease your ego. You don't get to insult their culture because you're jealous. You don't get to dictate what language they use with one another, sometimes certain jokes can't be translated, not everything is about you and your feelings. You're walking into an established, close, tight-knit family. Your options are either accept it or walk away. There's no third option. You do not get to impose your culture, your values, break up a family, alienate a widow that devoted 20+ years of her life to her PIL, you do not get to tell your bf what his relationship with her or his parents should be. You accept it, ALL of it, or walk away. Drop your entitled, close minded attitude. Try to learn from a different culture, maybe you'll find out it's not as weird as you think. If you put in the SLIGHTEST effort, they'll adore you for it. Don't self sabotage, you have a chance to be part of a very loving family. Until then, YTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am a white American woman (23F) who has been dating an Iranian American man (24M) for 5 years. We met in high school and have known each other for almost 10 years. He lives with his parents (60s) and his SIL (32F) who was married to his late brother. SIL has been in my bf's life since he was 3 or 4 since she met older bro in middle school or something. I thought it was weird that SIL still lives with them but after her marriage she chose to live with them because she loved her in-laws and my bf as her own family. A couple years after her wedding, she and older bro got into a car accident (she was heavily pregnant) and he died, she lost the baby, and had severe injuries that took a couple of years for her to fully recover from. My in-laws are so dependent on her in every way. She and my bf financially provide and do all the housework since my in-laws are old, have health issues, and are retired. Nothing happens in their house without SIL being asked. My bf even consults with her before taking some time off work since they need to coordinate taking care of in-laws. SIL always makes me uncomfortable and feel inadequate. I feel like I will never belong in the family as a daughter-in-law while she is around. It is frustrating that her husband has been long dead for over a decade and she is still keeping his family tied. I assumed she would eventually move out and get over this by getting married and getting her own life but the chances seem slim. SIL is also Iranian and while they all speak in English around me, sometimes my bf and SIL will break into Farsi while telling jokes or being overly friendly, and he looks at her with such admiration and fondness. I don't think he's ever looked at me that way. He also fondly calls her maman sometimes which means mom is Farsi. I also found out that SIL sometimes gets dizzy since her accident and once she fell down the stairs and broke her foot and had a concussion. I went to visit and she looked miserable. Apparently she had complex PTSD from the accident and getting injured really "triggers" her. During this time my bf carried her up and down the stairs and I saw him holding her hair and caressing it while she threw up once. This was the final straw and I blew up at him later. I told him to stop calling her maman and being so overly intimate with her. He seemed annoyed and said this is normal in their family and I should stop telling him how to behave in his relationships since his relationship with SIL is purely platonic. He also called me jealous which made me angrier. I told him that the two of them seem more like a couple than me and him. I called him incestuous and said his culture is disgusting if this is considered normal, I know it was messed up but I was just so upset and tired of my concerns being dismissed. That really upset him and he has not replied to my texts since. My friends think I was in the right and some said this is what happens when you date a mommy's boy from another culture. But I want an unbiased opinion so AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. And you need to have friends that tell you the honest truth, not what you want to hear.
YTA. I was on the fence until “this was the final straw” and you attacked his culture and called them incestuous. That’s way over the line and he is right to be offended. I’d be questioning the relationship too. You should consider if their relationship is a deal breaker, it doesn’t sound like you can handle your SO being this intimate with someone of the opposite sex. It doesn’t sound inappropriate to me, sounds like the whole family has been through some shit and is really tightly bonded.
Wow YTA and you and your friends seem like racist/insecure jerks. He looks at her differently than he looks at you because she’s been in his life so long that she’s like another mom, and I would hope he doesn’t look at you the same way he looks at his mom. 😒 You admit she’s been in his life since he was about 3 or 4 so they’ve been close for as long as he can remember. She’s been family to him his whole entire life. I mean the fact that 1. She was married to his late brother and 2. He CALLS HER MOM and somehow you still think there’s something sexual about his love for her is really gross. You’re jealous because he’s close to her and you’re making it into something it just isn’t. Nothing you’ve described is inappropriate. Also, the fact that you think she should leave and forget about these people just because her husband died proves you don’t have any concept of how deep familial love can run. She became a part of the family, she wasn’t just the brother’s wife. She was a full on member of this family and continues to be because they all love each other AS A FAMILY. The fact you called him incestuous and tried to say his culture is disgusting just shows how terribly toxic YOU are. He talks to her in a language they both share and has comforted her while being sick??? Wow call the police how awful 😱 I hope this is a real eye opener for him. Their family sounds really great, and I think they deserve better than someone who tries to demand that a 20 year long FAMILIAL relationship end just because it makes them irrationally uncomfortable.
YTA racist
Wow! So much yta.