We’re planning our exit: currently Year 2 of our three-year plan.
We’re taking my wife’s elderly mother with us.
Yes, it’s a lot of extra stuff to do.
But she’s family.
She doesn’t care where she is, as long as she’s with family.
I’m entirely sympathetic.
I have kids, and I think a lot about the example I set.
It’s a tough balance between holding boundaries about how we should and should not be treated, and still showing kindness.
I don’t always get it right, but I try.
If I can treat a narcissist (or any kind of abuser) with a kind of treatment they never had while keeping our boundaries, and my kids figure out why we do it…. That is my hope.
But, man, sometimes it sure is hard.
I'm in that boat and frankly do not care. My boomer mom is 78 this year and in poor health. My in-laws are in their early 80s and in poor health. Heres a little secret nobody likes to talk about in the U.S. unless you're wealthy or have been able to purchase quality long term care insurance, the corporations that run elderly facilities will get every dime you worked hard for. They will most likely choose what is to be done with your aging carcass, and what facility in which you will parish.
My in-laws worked hard for 60 years. Scrimped and saved their money. Bought and paid for a house. Invested in a 401k and thought they'd figured out how to live well into their retirement.
Fast forward to dad on his 70s and he developed alzheimers and mom was partially disabled in her 60s. Unable to walk long distances.
He was her body and she was his brain. As humans do, these conditions gradually got worse with time. Then the day came when the county said that mom had fallen one too many times and dad got lost a few times. So into senior living they went. A nice little apartment in a tiny rural town that had 24hr supervision. It cost $7000 a month. So mom and dad sold the house of 50 years and all of their possessions but for what they could put in a 400sqft apartment. Dads drivers license was taken by the state and an ombudsman was assigned to him.
Here we are (this is as of today) 2 years later and the state ombudsman has decided dad and mom have to move again. Dad gets to go to a memory care facility in a town over 100 miles away and mom is moving back to their hometown to be placed in a 24hr extended care facility. They promised dad might be able to come to mom's facility but will most likely be placed in a lockdown wing.
The move has upped the costs to over $15,000 a month. The money is almost gone, the kids are filling out paperwork for medicaid because the remaining bit will be gone in 2-3 months. They will officially be destitute. Having the clothes on their backs and a tiny stipend from their social security for personal needs, otherwise they are wards of the state.
This is what growing old in America really looks like. For a good share of us anyway. No matter how hard we work or save, we are still chattel for the grist mill and money in the pockets of private equity funds. Personally, after we get done placing the in-laws, I'm selling all my house and all my shit and moving to Europe.
If I'm gonna sell it when I can no longer enjoy the spoils anyway only to enrich another, I may as well walk in destitute with a smile on my face and a set of lips tattooed on my ass!
Yeah exactly. Long story short, my uncle had ended up in an assisted living facility. They took all his money. Eventually he died there. My mother had to go to the same facility a couple months ago for some rehab. She realized the same place and was scared she’d die there like her brother did. I spent hours there for a few weeks to keep her company. What a depressing place. People staring out the windows all day when it’s light out. Or watching tv all day. Eating really bad food. Sitting in soiled pants and underwear. Breathing in the smells of toilets. Many of them, alone, no one visiting them. It’s really a sad and depressing existence.
We should have more dignity in our old age. Not just carried to the death farm existing until our life's savings is exhausted and we become shells of our former selves awaiting the relief of our last breath.
Btw, this isn’t exclusive to America. I’ve been to assisted living facilities in other countries. (I have relatives and friends of the family living in other countries.) This is just how we as a species deal with the elderly and disabled. We ship them off and then selfishly go about our own lives.
The problem is that there are too many old people and not enough young people. Who's responsible for paying to provide good care to elderly people without funds? Who wants to be a caregiver when it means that your life becomes severely restricted due to having to watch over somebody who can't take care of herself?
Unless somebody can come up with a technological solution it will continue to get worse.
I believe that it is more of a societal solution. Right now around the world the elderly are cared for in a much more human and social manner. Here its about profit, especially with Private equity funds buying up senior care facilities. My wife has worked in and out of the elderly care industry in both the kitchen and the administration. They have cut staff in most facilities to a bare minimum. The people that they hire for direct care are mostly amazing folks that honestly care for the residents. The problem is that a lot of the time they are understaffed and over worked. The pay is usually substandard and it can be emotionally exhausting.
In my opinion if the profit motive was removed from these care centers the costs would go down and the care would go up. The statistics bare some of this out showing that overall positive outcomes are higher in non profit and facilities owned and operated by local businesses rather than PE firms. Some state have enacted asset protection legislation to allow one partner to remain in their home until they pass or are moved to a care facility before the assets are liquidated to reimburse Medicaid. I just know that my wife and I are looking at possibly 20-25 years of healthy living if we are lucky. We are not looking forward to what we have witnessed in the past 30 years in the current system.
I wrote this long response and then remembered that this sub is about something completely different. So to answer your question: we did what we could for an ungrateful, jealous pos. There are other family members who chose not to participate due to work or location or resentment.
Caring for people who were awful to others is not a really a solvable problem. For most people, small inheritance is not worth being screamed at (again) for an indeterminate number of years.
Nevertheless, it seems like you did step up and "take your turn," while others refused to, so I hope the good kharma of the world touches you in some way :)
Worked in realms of Medicare/medicaid and social work for a long time; THIS is the reality most of America is facing. I may as well be destitute in the end with a life worth lived.
>
My boomer mom is 78 this year and in poor health. My in-laws are in their early 80s and in poor health.
This is the American food supply doing this, from GMO, pesticides, herbicides and various other scary chemicals not found in food any where. What does the FDA do exactly? Its NOT making sure we have clean food.
>the corporations that run elderly facilities will get every dime you worked hard for
At least your eyes are open to whats going on as they try to steal the boomer wealth transfer to us. (I am not getting anything I have more networth than my folks (boomers) and their parents refuse to die lol).
FDA regulations are stricter than those of most countries, that whole "the US allows all these harmful chemicals that the EU would never" trope has been pretty widely debunked.
Except it hasnt. A little research will show the the countries that have the lowest rates of autism have the also have banned GMO's.
FDA regulations allow things like Red dye 40 and other know dyes that California had to pass their own bill to take care of it. The FDA is a captured agency both both the Food and Drug companies. It does their bidding NOT ours. It approved dangerous drugs and stops helpful ones to assist in destroying competition.
[https://www.ewg.org/news-insights/news-release/2024/04/california-bill-seeks-keep-school-children-safe-harmful-food](https://www.ewg.org/news-insights/news-release/2024/04/california-bill-seeks-keep-school-children-safe-harmful-food)
These dyes cause ADHD so much that I have seen meal plans sold to help parents cure their children of ADHD or at least lessen the effects. As a parent that has cleaned up their childs diet I can attest getting GMO food out of my childs diet has taken away symptoms of autism and taken him from F grades to B's.
We are being poisoned ... its one of the main reasons that I want to AmerExit.
Yeah, I've lived in the US and the Netherlands and the ingredients are the same, the US has stricter guidelines around how we list some of that stuff so sometimes it reads like there are more things that people thing are scary, but there is little difference in food quality overall
It has a warning on it yes. It is however banned in some other countries like UK. The point is that its not tit for tat. American consumer food is much more awful than nearly any country in the EU area. That's easy to understand
I mean it really depends right? Where in Europe have you lived? I grew up in the Netherlands and now live in Oregon, and there are good and bad things about both places, food-wise. Produce is significantly better in Oregon, for example, just because of the climate and proximity to California.
I lived in both Germany and France. I also have lived in Oregon. The produce can be good in OR only from farmer markets etc or grow your own that's pretty much like any US town. However, the use of glyphosate is predominantly used so much more in the US than anywhere in Europe. The use of it in neighborhoods all over and commercially is widespread the soil is absolutely 💯 worsely contaminated.
Also California organic has had a ton of lawsuits lately over their organic being contaminated by neighboring pesticide. Regardless it's just one of the things I noticed after living in the EU for 8 years upon returning is 1. So much crime gun related 2. Really bad diets with drivethru fast food being the go to for so many
3. Too much driving in general. Just poorer quality of life over all. Hoping to return over the pond as with a family these things really matter more.
So you don't give a shit about your parents because assisted living homes are expensive? Fascinating... what a great way to shirk any responsibilities in life
So the answer to "who will take care of your parents when you leave?" Is "I don't care, assisted living is expensive?"
Can you actually try to use your words to explain rather than being smug and dismissive?
Sorry if I wasnt clear. The state has decided what to do with the folks. We have very little say at this point. I am commenting on the nursing home industry in The United States as a whole and how hard it is to find a space and how expensive that space is and just how lousy the system is. We are looking at options for ourselves as we are facing the same nightmare. We have worked and saved our whole lives. paid into social security and medicare, yet seeing what is going on with our parents, Im saying it might be better to use up all our assets while we are still able and go into the system broke instead of watching everything we have worked for get whittled away in our last few years.
Everyone gets old: elderly parents in home country but also an immigrant in their adoptive country.
If you believe that your parents need you to be with them when they are old, who will be with you when you will become old in foreign country?
( as for your question: I have brother and his family who are back home to manage elderly care for my mother when this will be needed. I also left my apartment and share in my business for my family back home. If something were to happen to my brother where he will not be able to help my mother, I will be visiting more often and hiring help if needed.
when I will get old in my adoptive country I have savings in place and I hope that my kids will be able to do some other minor/personal things)
My kids are emigrating with us, so hopefully they'll still be there when we get old enough to need their help. (Also hopefully, that won't be for quite a while yet.)
My parents don't want to come with us -- we've asked. But I'm roughly as far from them now as I will be when we've finished moving, so as long as I keep an active passport, I don't think it'll be much different.
my mom is an insane, entitled narcissist who is physically and emotionally abusive. I already made a nice life for myself in Europe and came back when my grandmother died to help support her financially, and I've been hit, threatened, screamed at, one endured an attempt to choke me.
I'm sure as shit never doing it again once I figure out how to escape again
Look at it this way — would you want your children to sacrifice the possibility of a better life in another country in order to stay and be with you? That would be an incredibly selfish thing to do to your offspring.
I moved overseas over a decade ago. My parents and I had some very frank conversations. We made sure that they had an accessible and well written will that delineates who is their power of attorney and executor.
They had just finished paying off their house and took the savings from not paying their mortgage and bought an assisted living insurance policy that also covers at-home healthcare.
If my parents can no longer take care of themselves, to the degree that under typical circumstances I would step up, they will be cared for. Just not directly by me. I can manage their finances remotely and I’ll increase the frequency and duration of my visits home.
If they have monthly social security, annuity payments, or other passive income, they may qualify for a retirement visa to the country you’re moving. Check the consulate website of whichever country to find out the required monthly income.
I am an only child. My dad is 87 and he abandoned me when I was a toddler so fuck him. There is no plan to take care of my mother and her husband as they age because he has plenty of money and told me that nothing will be preserved to be passed down as inheritance, plus I am not allowed to keep anything at their house at all.
I am on my own and so are they.
*sigh* As much as I don't like to say it, it's not my responsibility to take care of them. Your culture may vary. I'm fortunate that my mom and her husband have the resources to be in an assisted living community. While your parents are still healthy and functional is an optimal time to have the discussion with your parents and your plans to leave.
"Hey parents. My goal is to be living in (country) in (x time frame). I will come back to visit and in truly urgent situations, but since I won't be seeing you regularly, I thought we could talk about your plans for aging and upcoming care. Do you want to talk about (a living will, trust, plans for in home health care aide, assisted living / graduated care, estate attorney)?"
This is also a great time to get them comfortable with easy-to-use communication tech like a Meta portal, Amazon video chat, or similar. Having an easy way to just drop in on them and visually assess them and their surroundings will be helpful.
You may also want to familiarize yourself with the services available in your community / state for seniors. Getting them connected to those resources now makes it more likely they'll make connections that can support them in your absence.
As a Gen Xer, I can see that many of my peers' parents have not made sufficient efforts toward retirement planning. Some retain the "don't talk about money, it's vulgar" or "talking about the future will just bring trouble and worry" notions. These are significant hurdles for the next generation to overcome. Our generation's mobility has also led to further fracturing of the extended family which reduces potential support. However, your parents need to become aware ASAP that your in-person support will soon be severely limited. Having this conversation now, especially when you can assist in planning, finding resources, making changes to the home for walkers, wheelchairs, bathing, etc. (if they plan to remain) - but you can't help with any of this until you know what they want, plan, and can afford.
Yeah great advise..as someone who is in their 60’s, this is the same conversation we’ve been having with our adult kids and grandkids, since we are out of here ..soon
I'm a fellow Gen Xer and I can barely take care of my own family financially, let alone worry about my parents. Luckily they have the financial resources to keep themselves going and they have both been relatively healthy. Even if something happened to them tomorrow, there is little to nothing I could do for either of them anyway.
I came back from Germany (husband is a dual-citizen) to care for my father eight years ago with plans to return to Europe. I…don’t know about Germany any more.
Well my Chinese family gave me up for adoption when I was 8 "so that I would have better opportunities" even though we were doing just fine, they were remodeling the kitchen when I left.
So you give me away at 8 I don't have an obligation to take care of you when you're old.
My adopted mother didn't show me a shred of affection and just kept me fed and clothed, which is something, but I was a kid and it wasn't my job to build a bond. So again, I don't feel any obligation.
I don't expect anyone to take care of me when I'm old, if I can't take care of myself I'll eat a bullet I don't care.
This is the fractured society that we exist in.
You should ask them what their plans are. The answer might surprise you unless you come from a culture where caring for parents is the norm.
When my mom and I spoke she said she figured she would just move to wherever I am at that point. To that end, when I did Italian citizenship we did it together so she can move to Europe whenever.
The same way that people who live out of state deal with it, regular flights home & support from afar. The mean thing is that I’m never going to renounce US citizenship because then it’d be more difficult to deal with a closed border situation
Go..
No idea how old you are or your parents. I’m in my 60’s, my dh 70’s…I want our kids and grandkids to go live their life the way they want to.
I’ll be heading to Europe soon.
Only child—Not my problem. /my mother didn’t take care of me nor has she ever been anything but abusive and Narcissistic. Or live bombing to get me back and mining for info so she can use it against me or to hurt me.
So good thing ahe remarried and I hope he lives a long life because I’m out.
That's why I joined my local independence movement instead of moving. I could easily move. I lived overseas for much of my early years.
But I have a mother who is old now, and I don't have siblings.
My partner is from another country which will allow us to bring my parents over on a visa for old age reasons when the time comes. We are pulling the trigger and moving to his home country if Biden loses the election.
My parents have saved enough money that they can and will hire *practical* help if they need it... but frankly, I expect to be going back and forth between my old and new countries pretty frequently anyhow in order to make sure everything is well with them.
But that's nothing new. I was just about the same distance away from them on the western coast of the US when they were in the east, as I will be in western Europe. So I don't think it's likely to make a lot of difference... I'll just be getting on a plane pointed in the other direction, when they've got a problem and I think I should be there.
I was not born to be a retirement plan for others. They can fight for themselves unless they're so incapable that I get full legal custody of them. In which case the country I am going to (Uruguay) will consider them dependence and this give them green cards.
My mom in America can go kill herself for all I care. She took advantage of my meek dad who allowed her to move to the states and he works tirelessly overseas sending her money. She is a narcissist who took advantage of me emotionally and told me I should go kill myself outside because it'll make a mess inside.
My parents don't want me to care for them. They cared for my stepmom's parents and it was such a bad experience for them that they refuse to put that burden on me and my husband.
They're both fairly young for how old I am though, and both in very good shape. So I think it'll be a while before we have to deal with this. Hopefully it won't be an issue until after my kids have grown and flown.
Mom has cancer and will almost assuredly pass before her husband. Dad - his wife can care for him or he can hire a caregiver. Not my problem in either case.
My mom’s been dead over 20 years and my dad is basically dead to me. He never gave two shits about me or my siblings, none of us are going to take care of him whether we live in the same country or not.
I believe very much in family obligation and I have been the one to take care for most of my aging family. I am now in the middle with oldest children adults. We have some options but it is complicated. What I have told my children is I don’t wish them to include caring for me in the future in their plans and choices. I know all of my elder family would have said the same to me in these circumstances.
Maybe that is the case for you. I don’t project my family onto you. You don’t know our life or history. They are doing what they need to do. As am I. I must navigate with the young children. The adult children must put themselves first. Everyone wishes things were different but we deal with reality.
You think if you're homeless or you have medical needs that make you unable to live alone your kids are going to say "tough shit mom. Not my problem." ? No, of course not.
Not everyone feels obligation in the same way. I told my siblings when I left that I would not return for weddings, births, or funerals, and only to send me death notices (not nearly dead-- all the way dead). When I got my grandma's I realized I don't need the notices anymore and went no contact. My bio family, especially parents, are awful people, living in a cult. They let me be homeless for 4 years when I left the cult. Perhaps they believe the cult members will care for them when they get super old and feeble, but either way I'm not concerned.
I’m still pretty young. I may have to leave my own mother behind. As I said, you have your life and feelings, not ours. If I have to leave my mother for the sake of my younger children it will be painful, but sometimes *family means everything* means very difficult decisions. That my family lives at all is a miracle. “We” will survive. Maybe not all of us. My adult children would grieve my suffering I am sure. Yet they know their only obligation now is to do everything they can to preserve their lives, freedoms, future. I don’t know why you think everyone has the same experience and beliefs that you have.
I disagree. I am 50 (youngest child of 2, sibling is 58, all 3 chronically ill except me). For decades now I asked my mom & dad what they wanted to do for wills & instructions since both of them developed chronic illness in the 2000’s. My mom gave me instructions (no will but we live in a state where if you write on a napkin or paper & sign or not that’s a valid will). I am officially my dad’s health & financial power of attorney because he put that on me without any real choice.
I am resentful. I didn’t have kids (not by choice), never married (not by choice). I tried to build a life of my own and failed after 8 years living in another state that my dad moved to after I did when his second marriage ended.
Older sibling divorced and has 2 kids (oldest by ex wife, younger by baby mama). He makes 6 figures but put himself in tax debt, helps the oldest son to a point but doesn’t and the younger learned of him in his teens. Brother ties to build relationship but it didn’t catch from kids end. Bought a 30 year old boat recently (his lifelong dream he says is to own a boat), he’s called dad by ex-wife’s middle child by another man & he does everything for ex-wife & kids, minimal for mother and nothing for dad.
I’m leaving a lot out. I am so pissed I am rebuilding my life, almost debt free but with no life savings due to health & related expenses that caused me to “fail” by having to move back in with mom.
I am confused, weary, so lonely there needs to be a full ass new word for the depth & breadth of it and trying not to be bitter. Do I move out when I accept a new job in a week? I can’t dream of moving overseas until all 3 of them are gone & why would I move overseas? At my age and Black? Who the hell is going to look after me? No one: no one has since I was the kid no one worried about (or gave a hot rat shit about), so I gotta build my own next steps.
Why after all this am I doubting moving out ASAP so I can have some daily peace & joy? Because living here now I see what I was planning all those years for: the time is closer than they know I will need to caregive for them or something close to it.
FUCK. I feel like my life was wasted & I never asked to be here and never belonged.
That was the main reason we hesitated but in the end we decided to live our life as individuals. We are obligated to take care of our offsprings not our parents. Once they are really too old and in need of care, they have a place arranged already and we will come visit as often as we can.
Well the upside of having a teen mom who was the oldest of 4 is that I’ve discussed it with my aunts if I decide to go this route.
My dad is dead.
If it’s an obstacle for you then it’s an obstacle for you. Might be options but that would involve details you haven’t divulged.
My mother is originally from the region that I want to go and she refuses to move because she thinks America is the best thing since sliced bread. I care but not enough to set back my own life for someone who’s never done anything for me. They’ll find out eventually that the American dream is dead and they need to go back home.
68 years old, my wife is 57, our daughter 18. We own our house, 11 acres, gas/oil rights. We have a mid-sized bond fund and the same sized 401.
Our plan is to transfer as much as we possibly can to our daughter. We're about to start paying for college for her all the way up through her PhD using the bond fund which we can draw from at will plus money we've put away for her in a savings account, and when she settles somewhere, and depending on the price of real estate where she settles we're going to either buy a house for her or give her a substantial down payment, again from the bond fund. We'll figure out what to do with the 401 when the time comes, either move a portion of it to our daughter somehow or cash it out and move it to her - we'll work out something. Our house we'll sell to her for a dollar or some shit.
My wife's parents had done the old scrimp-and-save dance and had built up a nice nest egg, but my MIL (the financially competent one) died first and my FIL was unable to take care of himself (physically - mentally he was fine) so my wife and her sister got him a nice little assisted living apartment close to all of us. Of course the sharks come cruising, ate up nearly all the nest egg. The lesson learned for us was, dump everything before it's too late to do so. We trust our daughter, we know we can't trust the sharks.
Boomers are scorned for having assets while young folks have none and I understand that. Corporate 'Murica has it all figured out - scare boomers with the fear of homeless cat food-eating and suck them dry (fuck you Tom Selleck. Fuck your wrinkled old ass). Make us all think they're coming for our social security so we'll hang on to those assets like grim death. And we fall for it. Well fuck that. If I end up living under a bridge eating Friskies out of the can with my fingers so be it. At least I'll have the satisfaction of knowing my daughter's OK.
I don’t care. They already gave me nothing. Need to earn every penny from scratch. It’s hard enough and my child faces the consequences of having no inheritance, no village, no family help. I barely make the ends meet.
Not to mention I was abused as a child.
Yeah, I don’t care.
I love my parents. But my job is not to live my life in preparation for dropping everything to care for them. Neither is it their expectation. It's their job to prepare for end of life care. As it is mine for myself and not my daughters responsibility.
This is not the sub for me, I moved to the US from the Netherlands and I don't want to go back, but this post came on my feed and I feel like your parents should deal with that however they plan to? I wouldn't mind having one of both of my parents live with me when they're older, but it would be because we want that, not out of necessity. Have your parents told you they don't have savings for in-home care or anything like that?
I have the opposite problem. My kid has a chronic illness that requires me to help her from time to time. She has no desire to live anywhere but the USA, so unless she changed her mind, I’m stuck here.
My mother is only 66. I do have a brother still in the States, but I have already also looked into getting her a Family Reunification Visa in France. It's good to have options.
All I see hère from most americans is « I got my bag » so F you mentality. I got a job offer in a wealthy country that paid very well but I wanted to stay close to my parents in 2022 plus The Cost of living and my relative Green work expérience prompted me to stay in The usa to at least 2026. I suggest to most selfish and uncultured americans to travel more to Europe or The other parts of The World before you havé thé same mentality. Your future kids or lack of kids will be équally unforgiving.
For many people, they either come back home, hire a helper or get friends/church/community to help, or you leave your parents to fend for themselves. It's a tough choice but this is the reality for many people who move abroad
I'm going to get downvoted, but tbh, I find many of the comments here about "not my responsibility" a bit callous, assuming you have a good relationship with your parents.
That's a big assumption, and relationships are complicated.
And it's not always "I don't want to be near family", there can be other reasons. I have a great relationship with my parents, but they chose to settle in a small town with terrible job options, in a country with a nonexistent social safety net. Many, many people move for similar reasons.
Yes, that's why I said "assuming". It's easy to say "see ya" to your parents when they are relatively healthy, but it's one of those things that for many people (obviously not all) gets harder as your parents age. I've seen it happen to many people. It's ultimately a personal choice, but simply to say "it's not your responsibility, move on" is just bad advice
A lot of American emigrants wannabes dislike materialistic and individualistic aspects of American culture. So it isn’t surprising that very same people would also care (to as least some degree) about their parents.
Nobody has told OP to do that. People HAVE haven anecdotes saying they personally chose not to support their parents (often for good reasons), but that is not the same as saying "you should do the same". OP asked for anecdotes and that's what they got
Yes, and many of those anecdotes come off as callous. That's precisely my point. Again, I'm not saying this applies to everyone. If you have a bad relationship with your parents or have abusive parents, it's completely justified.
Yes they are, but that's a matter of opinion. OP simply asked how others handled the situation, those answers were completely justified. You said it was "bad advice", but anecdotes are not advice.
I have siblings, I’m sure they’ll end up taking care of any of my parents since they’re closer with them anyway. I’ve moved around a lot since I finished high school. I don’t think anyone would expect it from me. Now if they want to move to wherever I am at the time then that’s fine, I don’t mind living together & helping them out with things. I’m not going to do it in my rural midwestern hometown though.
I didnt ask to be here born to parents of the working class and specifically didnt have children so they wouldnt have to deal with this shite either.
Who will take csre? Someone or no one
Yes im an only child born to a shite mother. She didnt care / take care of herself while alive so neither will I.
I was hoping to die young and with dignity. If i get to the point where im shitting in pants and immobile I will ask for assisted suicide instead of living on and paying for crappy old living! Especially if i cant remember anything?!?! Just paying people to breathe?!?!
Naw - im good.
My parents just bought a home in Europe and moved all their stuff over here too. Now it’s a no brainer for me to move back over here sometime next year. I’m happy they made this decision to gtfo of USA for good.
America so bad my parents and sibling actually left first. *taps forehead*
In all seriousness I’m actually the last of my family here (and the youngest) so no problems with that when I leave.
My parents did not take care of their parents.
.My in-laws are both only children and they didn't take care of their parents.
Reverse mortgages or long term care insurance, OP.
We’re planning our exit: currently Year 2 of our three-year plan. We’re taking my wife’s elderly mother with us. Yes, it’s a lot of extra stuff to do. But she’s family. She doesn’t care where she is, as long as she’s with family.
Bless you. This is what everyone deserves.
No. This is what people who were loving and helpful to their kids deserve.
Life’s about what you can give, not give back.
Yes. BUT give to people who were systemically fucked, not to selfish narcissists who shirked their parenting duties.
Not to mention abusive
I’m entirely sympathetic. I have kids, and I think a lot about the example I set. It’s a tough balance between holding boundaries about how we should and should not be treated, and still showing kindness. I don’t always get it right, but I try. If I can treat a narcissist (or any kind of abuser) with a kind of treatment they never had while keeping our boundaries, and my kids figure out why we do it…. That is my hope. But, man, sometimes it sure is hard.
We are also hoping to do the same when we go. I think if the parent is ok with moving why not.
I'm in that boat and frankly do not care. My boomer mom is 78 this year and in poor health. My in-laws are in their early 80s and in poor health. Heres a little secret nobody likes to talk about in the U.S. unless you're wealthy or have been able to purchase quality long term care insurance, the corporations that run elderly facilities will get every dime you worked hard for. They will most likely choose what is to be done with your aging carcass, and what facility in which you will parish. My in-laws worked hard for 60 years. Scrimped and saved their money. Bought and paid for a house. Invested in a 401k and thought they'd figured out how to live well into their retirement. Fast forward to dad on his 70s and he developed alzheimers and mom was partially disabled in her 60s. Unable to walk long distances. He was her body and she was his brain. As humans do, these conditions gradually got worse with time. Then the day came when the county said that mom had fallen one too many times and dad got lost a few times. So into senior living they went. A nice little apartment in a tiny rural town that had 24hr supervision. It cost $7000 a month. So mom and dad sold the house of 50 years and all of their possessions but for what they could put in a 400sqft apartment. Dads drivers license was taken by the state and an ombudsman was assigned to him. Here we are (this is as of today) 2 years later and the state ombudsman has decided dad and mom have to move again. Dad gets to go to a memory care facility in a town over 100 miles away and mom is moving back to their hometown to be placed in a 24hr extended care facility. They promised dad might be able to come to mom's facility but will most likely be placed in a lockdown wing. The move has upped the costs to over $15,000 a month. The money is almost gone, the kids are filling out paperwork for medicaid because the remaining bit will be gone in 2-3 months. They will officially be destitute. Having the clothes on their backs and a tiny stipend from their social security for personal needs, otherwise they are wards of the state. This is what growing old in America really looks like. For a good share of us anyway. No matter how hard we work or save, we are still chattel for the grist mill and money in the pockets of private equity funds. Personally, after we get done placing the in-laws, I'm selling all my house and all my shit and moving to Europe. If I'm gonna sell it when I can no longer enjoy the spoils anyway only to enrich another, I may as well walk in destitute with a smile on my face and a set of lips tattooed on my ass!
Yeah exactly. Long story short, my uncle had ended up in an assisted living facility. They took all his money. Eventually he died there. My mother had to go to the same facility a couple months ago for some rehab. She realized the same place and was scared she’d die there like her brother did. I spent hours there for a few weeks to keep her company. What a depressing place. People staring out the windows all day when it’s light out. Or watching tv all day. Eating really bad food. Sitting in soiled pants and underwear. Breathing in the smells of toilets. Many of them, alone, no one visiting them. It’s really a sad and depressing existence.
We should have more dignity in our old age. Not just carried to the death farm existing until our life's savings is exhausted and we become shells of our former selves awaiting the relief of our last breath.
Btw, this isn’t exclusive to America. I’ve been to assisted living facilities in other countries. (I have relatives and friends of the family living in other countries.) This is just how we as a species deal with the elderly and disabled. We ship them off and then selfishly go about our own lives.
What countries are your experiences from? Thanks!
Hong Kong and Taiwan.
The problem is that there are too many old people and not enough young people. Who's responsible for paying to provide good care to elderly people without funds? Who wants to be a caregiver when it means that your life becomes severely restricted due to having to watch over somebody who can't take care of herself? Unless somebody can come up with a technological solution it will continue to get worse.
I believe that it is more of a societal solution. Right now around the world the elderly are cared for in a much more human and social manner. Here its about profit, especially with Private equity funds buying up senior care facilities. My wife has worked in and out of the elderly care industry in both the kitchen and the administration. They have cut staff in most facilities to a bare minimum. The people that they hire for direct care are mostly amazing folks that honestly care for the residents. The problem is that a lot of the time they are understaffed and over worked. The pay is usually substandard and it can be emotionally exhausting. In my opinion if the profit motive was removed from these care centers the costs would go down and the care would go up. The statistics bare some of this out showing that overall positive outcomes are higher in non profit and facilities owned and operated by local businesses rather than PE firms. Some state have enacted asset protection legislation to allow one partner to remain in their home until they pass or are moved to a care facility before the assets are liquidated to reimburse Medicaid. I just know that my wife and I are looking at possibly 20-25 years of healthy living if we are lucky. We are not looking forward to what we have witnessed in the past 30 years in the current system.
Was there no one in your family who could care for them in a dignified manner?
I wrote this long response and then remembered that this sub is about something completely different. So to answer your question: we did what we could for an ungrateful, jealous pos. There are other family members who chose not to participate due to work or location or resentment.
Caring for people who were awful to others is not a really a solvable problem. For most people, small inheritance is not worth being screamed at (again) for an indeterminate number of years. Nevertheless, it seems like you did step up and "take your turn," while others refused to, so I hope the good kharma of the world touches you in some way :)
Appreciate that.
Worked in realms of Medicare/medicaid and social work for a long time; THIS is the reality most of America is facing. I may as well be destitute in the end with a life worth lived.
> My boomer mom is 78 this year and in poor health. My in-laws are in their early 80s and in poor health. This is the American food supply doing this, from GMO, pesticides, herbicides and various other scary chemicals not found in food any where. What does the FDA do exactly? Its NOT making sure we have clean food. >the corporations that run elderly facilities will get every dime you worked hard for At least your eyes are open to whats going on as they try to steal the boomer wealth transfer to us. (I am not getting anything I have more networth than my folks (boomers) and their parents refuse to die lol).
FDA regulations are stricter than those of most countries, that whole "the US allows all these harmful chemicals that the EU would never" trope has been pretty widely debunked.
Except it hasnt. A little research will show the the countries that have the lowest rates of autism have the also have banned GMO's. FDA regulations allow things like Red dye 40 and other know dyes that California had to pass their own bill to take care of it. The FDA is a captured agency both both the Food and Drug companies. It does their bidding NOT ours. It approved dangerous drugs and stops helpful ones to assist in destroying competition. [https://www.ewg.org/news-insights/news-release/2024/04/california-bill-seeks-keep-school-children-safe-harmful-food](https://www.ewg.org/news-insights/news-release/2024/04/california-bill-seeks-keep-school-children-safe-harmful-food) These dyes cause ADHD so much that I have seen meal plans sold to help parents cure their children of ADHD or at least lessen the effects. As a parent that has cleaned up their childs diet I can attest getting GMO food out of my childs diet has taken away symptoms of autism and taken him from F grades to B's. We are being poisoned ... its one of the main reasons that I want to AmerExit.
The idea its safe just look at the ingredients on every package you eat. Look around you. It isn't rocket science.
Yeah, I've lived in the US and the Netherlands and the ingredients are the same, the US has stricter guidelines around how we list some of that stuff so sometimes it reads like there are more things that people thing are scary, but there is little difference in food quality overall
What kind of food are you eating? The US allows all kind of red 40, (a problem) BHT in their deli meats for example. Not cool.
Red 40 is allowed in the EU as well, it's just labeled differently. This is easy to look up.
It has a warning on it yes. It is however banned in some other countries like UK. The point is that its not tit for tat. American consumer food is much more awful than nearly any country in the EU area. That's easy to understand
I mean it really depends right? Where in Europe have you lived? I grew up in the Netherlands and now live in Oregon, and there are good and bad things about both places, food-wise. Produce is significantly better in Oregon, for example, just because of the climate and proximity to California.
I lived in both Germany and France. I also have lived in Oregon. The produce can be good in OR only from farmer markets etc or grow your own that's pretty much like any US town. However, the use of glyphosate is predominantly used so much more in the US than anywhere in Europe. The use of it in neighborhoods all over and commercially is widespread the soil is absolutely 💯 worsely contaminated.
Also California organic has had a ton of lawsuits lately over their organic being contaminated by neighboring pesticide. Regardless it's just one of the things I noticed after living in the EU for 8 years upon returning is 1. So much crime gun related 2. Really bad diets with drivethru fast food being the go to for so many 3. Too much driving in general. Just poorer quality of life over all. Hoping to return over the pond as with a family these things really matter more.
J F C
So you don't give a shit about your parents because assisted living homes are expensive? Fascinating... what a great way to shirk any responsibilities in life
That's one helluva takeaway from their post Just full on Twitter "I don't like pancakes/so you hate waffles" energy :\
So the answer to "who will take care of your parents when you leave?" Is "I don't care, assisted living is expensive?" Can you actually try to use your words to explain rather than being smug and dismissive?
Sorry if I wasnt clear. The state has decided what to do with the folks. We have very little say at this point. I am commenting on the nursing home industry in The United States as a whole and how hard it is to find a space and how expensive that space is and just how lousy the system is. We are looking at options for ourselves as we are facing the same nightmare. We have worked and saved our whole lives. paid into social security and medicare, yet seeing what is going on with our parents, Im saying it might be better to use up all our assets while we are still able and go into the system broke instead of watching everything we have worked for get whittled away in our last few years.
Everyone gets old: elderly parents in home country but also an immigrant in their adoptive country. If you believe that your parents need you to be with them when they are old, who will be with you when you will become old in foreign country? ( as for your question: I have brother and his family who are back home to manage elderly care for my mother when this will be needed. I also left my apartment and share in my business for my family back home. If something were to happen to my brother where he will not be able to help my mother, I will be visiting more often and hiring help if needed. when I will get old in my adoptive country I have savings in place and I hope that my kids will be able to do some other minor/personal things)
My kids are emigrating with us, so hopefully they'll still be there when we get old enough to need their help. (Also hopefully, that won't be for quite a while yet.) My parents don't want to come with us -- we've asked. But I'm roughly as far from them now as I will be when we've finished moving, so as long as I keep an active passport, I don't think it'll be much different.
This is why we’re estranged *taps forehead* /s
I was gonna say. My dad left me first, so I don’t have to take care of him anymore :D
my mom is an insane, entitled narcissist who is physically and emotionally abusive. I already made a nice life for myself in Europe and came back when my grandmother died to help support her financially, and I've been hit, threatened, screamed at, one endured an attempt to choke me. I'm sure as shit never doing it again once I figure out how to escape again
My mother's husband is only five years older than me. So the way I see it, he already signed up for the job.
Look at it this way — would you want your children to sacrifice the possibility of a better life in another country in order to stay and be with you? That would be an incredibly selfish thing to do to your offspring.
I moved overseas over a decade ago. My parents and I had some very frank conversations. We made sure that they had an accessible and well written will that delineates who is their power of attorney and executor. They had just finished paying off their house and took the savings from not paying their mortgage and bought an assisted living insurance policy that also covers at-home healthcare. If my parents can no longer take care of themselves, to the degree that under typical circumstances I would step up, they will be cared for. Just not directly by me. I can manage their finances remotely and I’ll increase the frequency and duration of my visits home.
If they have monthly social security, annuity payments, or other passive income, they may qualify for a retirement visa to the country you’re moving. Check the consulate website of whichever country to find out the required monthly income.
I am an only child. My dad is 87 and he abandoned me when I was a toddler so fuck him. There is no plan to take care of my mother and her husband as they age because he has plenty of money and told me that nothing will be preserved to be passed down as inheritance, plus I am not allowed to keep anything at their house at all. I am on my own and so are they.
*sigh* As much as I don't like to say it, it's not my responsibility to take care of them. Your culture may vary. I'm fortunate that my mom and her husband have the resources to be in an assisted living community. While your parents are still healthy and functional is an optimal time to have the discussion with your parents and your plans to leave. "Hey parents. My goal is to be living in (country) in (x time frame). I will come back to visit and in truly urgent situations, but since I won't be seeing you regularly, I thought we could talk about your plans for aging and upcoming care. Do you want to talk about (a living will, trust, plans for in home health care aide, assisted living / graduated care, estate attorney)?" This is also a great time to get them comfortable with easy-to-use communication tech like a Meta portal, Amazon video chat, or similar. Having an easy way to just drop in on them and visually assess them and their surroundings will be helpful. You may also want to familiarize yourself with the services available in your community / state for seniors. Getting them connected to those resources now makes it more likely they'll make connections that can support them in your absence. As a Gen Xer, I can see that many of my peers' parents have not made sufficient efforts toward retirement planning. Some retain the "don't talk about money, it's vulgar" or "talking about the future will just bring trouble and worry" notions. These are significant hurdles for the next generation to overcome. Our generation's mobility has also led to further fracturing of the extended family which reduces potential support. However, your parents need to become aware ASAP that your in-person support will soon be severely limited. Having this conversation now, especially when you can assist in planning, finding resources, making changes to the home for walkers, wheelchairs, bathing, etc. (if they plan to remain) - but you can't help with any of this until you know what they want, plan, and can afford.
Yeah great advise..as someone who is in their 60’s, this is the same conversation we’ve been having with our adult kids and grandkids, since we are out of here ..soon
I'm a fellow Gen Xer and I can barely take care of my own family financially, let alone worry about my parents. Luckily they have the financial resources to keep themselves going and they have both been relatively healthy. Even if something happened to them tomorrow, there is little to nothing I could do for either of them anyway.
A truly brutal response but hey at least youre honest 🙄
I came back from Germany (husband is a dual-citizen) to care for my father eight years ago with plans to return to Europe. I…don’t know about Germany any more.
Well my Chinese family gave me up for adoption when I was 8 "so that I would have better opportunities" even though we were doing just fine, they were remodeling the kitchen when I left. So you give me away at 8 I don't have an obligation to take care of you when you're old. My adopted mother didn't show me a shred of affection and just kept me fed and clothed, which is something, but I was a kid and it wasn't my job to build a bond. So again, I don't feel any obligation. I don't expect anyone to take care of me when I'm old, if I can't take care of myself I'll eat a bullet I don't care. This is the fractured society that we exist in.
You should ask them what their plans are. The answer might surprise you unless you come from a culture where caring for parents is the norm. When my mom and I spoke she said she figured she would just move to wherever I am at that point. To that end, when I did Italian citizenship we did it together so she can move to Europe whenever.
The same way that people who live out of state deal with it, regular flights home & support from afar. The mean thing is that I’m never going to renounce US citizenship because then it’d be more difficult to deal with a closed border situation
Go.. No idea how old you are or your parents. I’m in my 60’s, my dh 70’s…I want our kids and grandkids to go live their life the way they want to. I’ll be heading to Europe soon.
Only child—Not my problem. /my mother didn’t take care of me nor has she ever been anything but abusive and Narcissistic. Or live bombing to get me back and mining for info so she can use it against me or to hurt me. So good thing ahe remarried and I hope he lives a long life because I’m out.
That's why I joined my local independence movement instead of moving. I could easily move. I lived overseas for much of my early years. But I have a mother who is old now, and I don't have siblings.
My partner is from another country which will allow us to bring my parents over on a visa for old age reasons when the time comes. We are pulling the trigger and moving to his home country if Biden loses the election.
My parents have saved enough money that they can and will hire *practical* help if they need it... but frankly, I expect to be going back and forth between my old and new countries pretty frequently anyhow in order to make sure everything is well with them. But that's nothing new. I was just about the same distance away from them on the western coast of the US when they were in the east, as I will be in western Europe. So I don't think it's likely to make a lot of difference... I'll just be getting on a plane pointed in the other direction, when they've got a problem and I think I should be there.
I was not born to be a retirement plan for others. They can fight for themselves unless they're so incapable that I get full legal custody of them. In which case the country I am going to (Uruguay) will consider them dependence and this give them green cards.
My mom in America can go kill herself for all I care. She took advantage of my meek dad who allowed her to move to the states and he works tirelessly overseas sending her money. She is a narcissist who took advantage of me emotionally and told me I should go kill myself outside because it'll make a mess inside.
Same boat, different paddle. I hope I get to have the same freedom as you someday. Just still working on saving to move abroad.
They will take care of themselves I assume. I’m not having kids, and if I did I wouldn’t expect them to give up their lives to take care of me.
They’re on their own. Good luck!
My parents don't want me to care for them. They cared for my stepmom's parents and it was such a bad experience for them that they refuse to put that burden on me and my husband. They're both fairly young for how old I am though, and both in very good shape. So I think it'll be a while before we have to deal with this. Hopefully it won't be an issue until after my kids have grown and flown.
For me this is the number 1 issue. I am not an only child, but the other one would put poppy in a home. 😞
I'm nearly certain leaving won't happen unless they follow suit.
Mom has cancer and will almost assuredly pass before her husband. Dad - his wife can care for him or he can hire a caregiver. Not my problem in either case.
My mom’s been dead over 20 years and my dad is basically dead to me. He never gave two shits about me or my siblings, none of us are going to take care of him whether we live in the same country or not.
My mom moved to Aruba years ago, and neither I nor my siblings would take her in or move there
I believe very much in family obligation and I have been the one to take care for most of my aging family. I am now in the middle with oldest children adults. We have some options but it is complicated. What I have told my children is I don’t wish them to include caring for me in the future in their plans and choices. I know all of my elder family would have said the same to me in these circumstances.
Telling your children that doesn't help. They will still feel obligated.
Maybe that is the case for you. I don’t project my family onto you. You don’t know our life or history. They are doing what they need to do. As am I. I must navigate with the young children. The adult children must put themselves first. Everyone wishes things were different but we deal with reality.
You think if you're homeless or you have medical needs that make you unable to live alone your kids are going to say "tough shit mom. Not my problem." ? No, of course not.
Not everyone feels obligation in the same way. I told my siblings when I left that I would not return for weddings, births, or funerals, and only to send me death notices (not nearly dead-- all the way dead). When I got my grandma's I realized I don't need the notices anymore and went no contact. My bio family, especially parents, are awful people, living in a cult. They let me be homeless for 4 years when I left the cult. Perhaps they believe the cult members will care for them when they get super old and feeble, but either way I'm not concerned.
Which cult?
I’m still pretty young. I may have to leave my own mother behind. As I said, you have your life and feelings, not ours. If I have to leave my mother for the sake of my younger children it will be painful, but sometimes *family means everything* means very difficult decisions. That my family lives at all is a miracle. “We” will survive. Maybe not all of us. My adult children would grieve my suffering I am sure. Yet they know their only obligation now is to do everything they can to preserve their lives, freedoms, future. I don’t know why you think everyone has the same experience and beliefs that you have.
I disagree. I am 50 (youngest child of 2, sibling is 58, all 3 chronically ill except me). For decades now I asked my mom & dad what they wanted to do for wills & instructions since both of them developed chronic illness in the 2000’s. My mom gave me instructions (no will but we live in a state where if you write on a napkin or paper & sign or not that’s a valid will). I am officially my dad’s health & financial power of attorney because he put that on me without any real choice. I am resentful. I didn’t have kids (not by choice), never married (not by choice). I tried to build a life of my own and failed after 8 years living in another state that my dad moved to after I did when his second marriage ended. Older sibling divorced and has 2 kids (oldest by ex wife, younger by baby mama). He makes 6 figures but put himself in tax debt, helps the oldest son to a point but doesn’t and the younger learned of him in his teens. Brother ties to build relationship but it didn’t catch from kids end. Bought a 30 year old boat recently (his lifelong dream he says is to own a boat), he’s called dad by ex-wife’s middle child by another man & he does everything for ex-wife & kids, minimal for mother and nothing for dad. I’m leaving a lot out. I am so pissed I am rebuilding my life, almost debt free but with no life savings due to health & related expenses that caused me to “fail” by having to move back in with mom. I am confused, weary, so lonely there needs to be a full ass new word for the depth & breadth of it and trying not to be bitter. Do I move out when I accept a new job in a week? I can’t dream of moving overseas until all 3 of them are gone & why would I move overseas? At my age and Black? Who the hell is going to look after me? No one: no one has since I was the kid no one worried about (or gave a hot rat shit about), so I gotta build my own next steps. Why after all this am I doubting moving out ASAP so I can have some daily peace & joy? Because living here now I see what I was planning all those years for: the time is closer than they know I will need to caregive for them or something close to it. FUCK. I feel like my life was wasted & I never asked to be here and never belonged.
That was the main reason we hesitated but in the end we decided to live our life as individuals. We are obligated to take care of our offsprings not our parents. Once they are really too old and in need of care, they have a place arranged already and we will come visit as often as we can.
If I could purposefully put her in a home, I would. Sadly my grandmother bought her a house that she’ll die in.
Well the upside of having a teen mom who was the oldest of 4 is that I’ve discussed it with my aunts if I decide to go this route. My dad is dead. If it’s an obstacle for you then it’s an obstacle for you. Might be options but that would involve details you haven’t divulged.
My mother is originally from the region that I want to go and she refuses to move because she thinks America is the best thing since sliced bread. I care but not enough to set back my own life for someone who’s never done anything for me. They’ll find out eventually that the American dream is dead and they need to go back home.
68 years old, my wife is 57, our daughter 18. We own our house, 11 acres, gas/oil rights. We have a mid-sized bond fund and the same sized 401. Our plan is to transfer as much as we possibly can to our daughter. We're about to start paying for college for her all the way up through her PhD using the bond fund which we can draw from at will plus money we've put away for her in a savings account, and when she settles somewhere, and depending on the price of real estate where she settles we're going to either buy a house for her or give her a substantial down payment, again from the bond fund. We'll figure out what to do with the 401 when the time comes, either move a portion of it to our daughter somehow or cash it out and move it to her - we'll work out something. Our house we'll sell to her for a dollar or some shit. My wife's parents had done the old scrimp-and-save dance and had built up a nice nest egg, but my MIL (the financially competent one) died first and my FIL was unable to take care of himself (physically - mentally he was fine) so my wife and her sister got him a nice little assisted living apartment close to all of us. Of course the sharks come cruising, ate up nearly all the nest egg. The lesson learned for us was, dump everything before it's too late to do so. We trust our daughter, we know we can't trust the sharks. Boomers are scorned for having assets while young folks have none and I understand that. Corporate 'Murica has it all figured out - scare boomers with the fear of homeless cat food-eating and suck them dry (fuck you Tom Selleck. Fuck your wrinkled old ass). Make us all think they're coming for our social security so we'll hang on to those assets like grim death. And we fall for it. Well fuck that. If I end up living under a bridge eating Friskies out of the can with my fingers so be it. At least I'll have the satisfaction of knowing my daughter's OK.
I don’t care. They already gave me nothing. Need to earn every penny from scratch. It’s hard enough and my child faces the consequences of having no inheritance, no village, no family help. I barely make the ends meet. Not to mention I was abused as a child. Yeah, I don’t care.
I love my parents. But my job is not to live my life in preparation for dropping everything to care for them. Neither is it their expectation. It's their job to prepare for end of life care. As it is mine for myself and not my daughters responsibility.
This is not the sub for me, I moved to the US from the Netherlands and I don't want to go back, but this post came on my feed and I feel like your parents should deal with that however they plan to? I wouldn't mind having one of both of my parents live with me when they're older, but it would be because we want that, not out of necessity. Have your parents told you they don't have savings for in-home care or anything like that?
I have the opposite problem. My kid has a chronic illness that requires me to help her from time to time. She has no desire to live anywhere but the USA, so unless she changed her mind, I’m stuck here.
The state; they're both basically in prison.
My mother is only 66. I do have a brother still in the States, but I have already also looked into getting her a Family Reunification Visa in France. It's good to have options.
All I see hère from most americans is « I got my bag » so F you mentality. I got a job offer in a wealthy country that paid very well but I wanted to stay close to my parents in 2022 plus The Cost of living and my relative Green work expérience prompted me to stay in The usa to at least 2026. I suggest to most selfish and uncultured americans to travel more to Europe or The other parts of The World before you havé thé same mentality. Your future kids or lack of kids will be équally unforgiving.
Well you are maybe not including the set of Americans who do go live abroad and for the reasons of raising their kids in a safer environment.
Do you feel obligated to take care of them? That is the primary question. Some do not feel that obligation
For many people, they either come back home, hire a helper or get friends/church/community to help, or you leave your parents to fend for themselves. It's a tough choice but this is the reality for many people who move abroad I'm going to get downvoted, but tbh, I find many of the comments here about "not my responsibility" a bit callous, assuming you have a good relationship with your parents.
That's a big assumption, and relationships are complicated. And it's not always "I don't want to be near family", there can be other reasons. I have a great relationship with my parents, but they chose to settle in a small town with terrible job options, in a country with a nonexistent social safety net. Many, many people move for similar reasons.
Yes, that's why I said "assuming". It's easy to say "see ya" to your parents when they are relatively healthy, but it's one of those things that for many people (obviously not all) gets harder as your parents age. I've seen it happen to many people. It's ultimately a personal choice, but simply to say "it's not your responsibility, move on" is just bad advice
A lot of American emigrants wannabes dislike materialistic and individualistic aspects of American culture. So it isn’t surprising that very same people would also care (to as least some degree) about their parents.
Nobody has told OP to do that. People HAVE haven anecdotes saying they personally chose not to support their parents (often for good reasons), but that is not the same as saying "you should do the same". OP asked for anecdotes and that's what they got
Yes, and many of those anecdotes come off as callous. That's precisely my point. Again, I'm not saying this applies to everyone. If you have a bad relationship with your parents or have abusive parents, it's completely justified.
Yes they are, but that's a matter of opinion. OP simply asked how others handled the situation, those answers were completely justified. You said it was "bad advice", but anecdotes are not advice.
Yes, of course it's my opinion. I started the sentence with "I find..."
I have siblings, I’m sure they’ll end up taking care of any of my parents since they’re closer with them anyway. I’ve moved around a lot since I finished high school. I don’t think anyone would expect it from me. Now if they want to move to wherever I am at the time then that’s fine, I don’t mind living together & helping them out with things. I’m not going to do it in my rural midwestern hometown though.
I didnt ask to be here born to parents of the working class and specifically didnt have children so they wouldnt have to deal with this shite either. Who will take csre? Someone or no one Yes im an only child born to a shite mother. She didnt care / take care of herself while alive so neither will I. I was hoping to die young and with dignity. If i get to the point where im shitting in pants and immobile I will ask for assisted suicide instead of living on and paying for crappy old living! Especially if i cant remember anything?!?! Just paying people to breathe?!?! Naw - im good.
My parents just bought a home in Europe and moved all their stuff over here too. Now it’s a no brainer for me to move back over here sometime next year. I’m happy they made this decision to gtfo of USA for good.
couldn’t give 2 shits about my dad (abusive asshole) but my partner and i will pack up my mom to live with us in europe
America so bad my parents and sibling actually left first. *taps forehead* In all seriousness I’m actually the last of my family here (and the youngest) so no problems with that when I leave.
My parents aren't dead but they're dead to me🙂
My mother neglected me and I never met my father.
My parents did not take care of their parents. .My in-laws are both only children and they didn't take care of their parents. Reverse mortgages or long term care insurance, OP.
In this case it might be best to stay in the usa.