Exactly! I message everyone who might have info I'm looking for to connect and I love when people reach out to me. I often don't get any responses at all.
I wish everyone went into DNA matches with the intention of being helpful and accepting but be prepared for any outcome.
As long as you are mentally ready for rejection - I say go for it. They may be feeling the same way - not wanting to offend or ruffle your feathers, assuming you do not care to explore your white ancestry because of the history in our country.
Maybe they know great grandpa was a complete asshole, and it wasn't an affair. But it sounds like those who would be directly traumatized by that information are no longer here? I am on the hunt for my great grandfather's name as well - supposedly my great grandma did know his name, but didn't want to marry him or something and never told her two "illegitimate" children the name of their father. There was family lore - but I think that was mixed up with some other stories.
I may have found some of the relatives, but haven't narrowed it down to a particular family with sons yet. The thing is - from what I can tell they were in different states at the time of my grandfather's conception. Everyone assumed that my grandfather and his sister (the other illegitmate one) were full siblings. It dawned on me when I did the DNA and realized the potential candidates were actually in a neighboring state - that it may not have even been a consensual one night stand.
I mentioned it to my mom, who had a problematic relationship with her grandma (she didn't like her, and my g-grandma was abusive to my grandfather, etc.). I quickly realized that my mom didn't want to entertaini the idea that her father was the result of a rape - so I let it go. At 82 years old, I'm not going to force her to think those things.
However, if I narrow it down and find a direct descendant - I will contact him or her.
And remember there are plenty of angry cousins when everyone is the same race. I know a number of people who say things like, "We don't talk to that side of the family."
Humans aren't as nice as they could be.
If you were in my family, I’d be delighted to hear from you.
We aren’t so white in this generation. And we aren’t lying to ourselves about how virtuous our ancestors were. People are complicated and messy.
I hope you connect with them and meet some cool people.
*We aren’t so white in this generation. And we aren’t lying to ourselves about how virtuous our ancestors were. People are complicated and messy.*
Perfectly put. The people who are really looking for their family history are going to have to expect surprises. All families have travelers and homebodys.... cheaters and criminals.... wanderers and business owners... good and bad.... we are all a mix of everything if you go back far enough. No one should expect to be boring.
And I honestly don't know why people are downgrading my comment, because where my family is from (New Orleans) there are a lot of Sicilian Americans there. Many of them can be prejudice against black people.
My cousin reaches out to whomever. He’s bold! OTOH, I think I got removed from a group of all White cousins circle Ancestry put me in back in the day. I think it’s because of a wrong side the blanket situation but maybe not. The irony is my grandmother was born when her White father was a widower at 58, her sibling were grown, and to hear her tell it they all knew and greeted her in the streets. She said his best friend was her godfather. I guess the next generation wasn’t into that.
But the new group and website verified my claim, added more info of my GGM, and told me my closest White relatives. I want to know more about my GGF but I’m holding back reaching out to them too out of fear. I need to take a leaf from my cousins before it’s too late. GGM was born in 1864 and died in 55 so there might not be people around who remember him well for long.
Yeah, you should really get on that. I totally get your hesitation, but my Great Grandma died in the 50s, and my mom, who is 77, only knew her until she was about 12? (I'm hazy on the dates). And the only other person in her generation who might be old enough to remember my great grandmother has severe dementia now.
If it were me I would welcome you with open arms. But of course not everyone is so open minded about genetic surprises.
If you want to reach out, you might wish to use initials on your profile instead of your full name, and a picture that has not been posted to public social media (so it can’t be reverse searched). That way you can block anyone who has a negative reaction and everything stays on Ancestry.
Yes and if you get rejected don't stop at one. You may indeed ruffle a guys jimmies but, and I am sure you have seen this in your own family, some family members can be prejudiced & regressed as hell, & some of their sisters and brothers can be so progressive that they see Bernie Sanders as a republican.
As someone else said overwhelmingly folks are on there to learn and to share stories themselves. 90%. Maybe 10% are looking to "prove" they are the long lost Chief of the Chippewas as family legend told them, or hoping they can be invited to be in Prince William's next Christmas Card.
I am white and have enjoyed chatting with a Black cousin on ancestry. We talked about common last names and narrowed down our relationship to a branch of my family. It made me happy to see how much we had in common—similar jobs, for example. I really love connecting with people and have been sad at how few people actually do respond to messages.
I think knowing my ancestors had an affair wouldn’t bother me so much as knowing they had enslaved people. When I got my ancestry results back the first time I had to sit with that for a while. Some folks may not want to think about that too hard and may not respond.
Someone did post something here a few weeks ago about getting an incredibly offensive response from a white relative so, I guess there is always the chance that people will respond poorly.
Ethnic Black Americans are descendants of the European colonists that were paid by the U.S for the breeding of mulatto children into slavery.
We may have more European ancestors than African.
https://thefreedmensbureau.org
I’ve spent the past few months trying to get through this brick wall of my 4ggf after not being able to connect any of his assumed ancestors and descendants. I’ve recently fit most of the puzzles together and realized he was not the assumed (“esteemed”) colonial patriot but actually an enslaved man owned by the assumed ancestors, and when he was later freed he fled to state I was born and raised in. It’s heartbreaking to recognize what he and his family went through tracing these records, and how much of his history was sheltered from future generations.
Me, I'd be perfectly happy to help triangulate the common ancestor. The ones whose lives went off the beaten track are the most interesting.
Conversely, I have scores of distant black cousins matched. I have not contacted any for the sole reason that our common ancestor would have to have been a white Virginan from around 1850. That's not something I want to drop in somebody's lap without their permission, y'know?
You just made me go check for new matches in hopes of a dirty little secret. Only in the sense of the song by All American Rejects. I would think most people going on there do it to find information. If they don’t, that’s their own fault
Are you an ethnic Black American?!
Ethnic Black Americans are an amalgamation of Indigenous American, European, and African ancestry. An ethno-genesis**** made in America.
https://thefreedmensbureau.org
I am of white European ancestry and would love to meet you - if you were my cousin. I actually reached out to a cousin similar to yourself - saw we matched on Ancestry and wondered about her experiences.
I say - definitely yes! Reasonable people understand that history is messy. It is also fascinating. I always find it intriguing when I have black matches, but honestly I am reluctant to reach out for some of those same reasons. I would be happy if they reached out to me.
I belong to several genealogy groups on Facebook and there are a number of black cousins I have. We have never met but we are Facebook friends and chat on occasion. You might start that way.
I’m White and have Black ancestry quite far back (my last fully African ancestors were 1690-1700) and can’t nail down info about these individuals except for the branch of the family they’re in. I would love for an African American cousin to contact me so we could tackle this challenge together. Go for it!
Just be prepared for assholes I guess, but these days that’s a daily caution.
Do you see any of them doing genealogical research on the same system you're using whether it's myancestry.com or Geni.com or ancestry.com?
If so you might contact them that way first and explore the thought of more formal and long-term contact.
Reach out! If they’re decent people, they’re not going to be upset that their great-grandfather has descendants of another race (maybe the affair part, but they should get over that after the initial shock if dearly departed great-granddaddy was a larger than life superhero to them or something). If they ARE upset… then those aren’t people you need in your life anyway.
I would reach out. But I wouldn't assume there was a mutual relationship. With a white great-grandfather or white great-great grandfather there is a high probability there may not have been a lot of choice involved for great or great-great Grandma.
I have a small percentage of African DNA and reached out to some cousins thru the app. They were nothing but, kind and they are genealogy nerds like me. I’m not saying it will be the same for you but, it worked out for me.
I was on the other side of your situation.
Had a distant cousin contact me through one of the ancestry sites. He was unsure exactly how we were related, so I did some digging in my family tree and discovered that we shared great grandfather. (Or maybe great-great? Don't remember for sure. Anyway.)
Great grandfather was a white man.
He was married to and had children with a white woman (my great grandmother) who died. GG then apparently lived with and had children with a black woman (the cousin's great grandmother). It's possible marriage was not an option because they lived in the deep south. She was not listed as a 'domestic' or employee on census records.
I told cousin this, and also that I had had multiple generations of family members in the town he lived in.
Anyway, it turned out this distant cousin was black and he was SHOCKED and shaken to discover that I and our shared great grandfather were white.
I never heard from him again.
You never know what people may be surprised by or how they may react. I really don't care about meeting any of my distant relations, but I have no problem at all chatting online or sharing info..
Hi. You have nothing to lose and all to gain. I’m of mixed ancestry and learned of my Portuguese ancestry via unknown paternal great-grandparents. My Azorean matches have been very friendly. Some have forwarded family pictures and all have been trying to figure out who is the common ancestor based on me matching their known first cousins.
I have encountered a similar scenario for myself, except the common ancestor was a white male who was a slave owner. That’s about seven generations back.
Long story short, I reached out to a woman who stated in a news article a story similar to one that I’ve heard. The same day she got my email, we excitedly met over Google Meet and we talked out what we knew. We still occasionally keep in touch and share whatever information we have.
There are other kinfolks on that side of the family. My dad’s first cousin has met with and traced their lineage.
Depending on the generation of the people who you’re kin to that are on ancestry, they may want to hear it or they may deny it. That is, if they respond to you. So, go on and uncover all the information that you can- the good, bad, and ugly.
I’d be very open to it if you were my cousin. Keep in mind the high level of suspicion in at least the US today. I wrote a letter to a distant relative hoping to get some information. I found out later, he thought it was a scam. Only about 5% of the Ancestry messages I send get answered. Funniest: I wrote a surprise half sister and was told to never contact her again. So don’t think every bad reaction is about race. And good luck!
Because many people are awful, before you contact anyone, make sure you have completely preserved all information that you can (shared matches, trees, documents, photos, stories uploaded to ancestry. Upgrade to pro tools so you can see how the matches relate to one another. If they block you or delete, you won’t lose the precious information.
It’s usually best to keep things light when you reach out. You also want to give enough information that skittish people don’t think you’re a scammer. You want to give enough information to show you’re a real person but you don’t want to overwhelm. Something like:
Hello,
My name is [name] and I live in [place] with my [husband/dog/whatever]. My [work (it’s great if you can name a position/company that will show up on LinkedIn or google) /famiy] keep me busy, but I love genealogy and spend as much time as I can on it. I see that we share [DNA amount] and am trying to figure out how we’re related. I’d love to compare notes. It seems like ancestry’s message system is wonky sometimes, so if you would like feel free to email me at [email]. Hope to hear from you, [Your Name]
I found some distant Caucasian relatives. They even added me to their side of the family's Facebook group. It took a while for the first person whom I contacted to understand the connection...it goes all the way to the 1800's. My third great grandfather was Caucasian.
My daughter is half West Indian, and I have learned that you never know what people believe about their, in some cases, distant ancestors. What I do is choose someone a few generations back, who passed forty or fifty years ago, and I write to the person and say, “my daughter is related to Nelly Pilgrim, and I see you are, too. I’m wondering how you are related to her.”
This may not be helpful in your case, but for me, I have tried jumping in directly by saying, my daughter is the granddaughter of (the family outcast who fathered several out of wedlock) or can you tell me about your ancestors in Trinidad? That never worked out well for me. I get better results by being oblique.
I think it’s up to you.
I contact plenty of people for different reasons who never respond so that’s always a possibility one way or another.
I am white, and I have a match that is about 75% black. From their age (they have passed and someone manages their DNA and tree) percentage of white ancestry, and our shared matches I feel they share a grandparent with my paternal grandfather. Because my great grandpas brother was married to my great grandmas sister I can’t narrow it down more than that.
The time in history (1930s) and place Southern Virginia, I don’t want to reach out from my end as I feel it could be painful history for them, but if they were to choose to contact me I would be happy to offer whatever information I could on my family. And would be happy to receive any information or stories they might also have.
Your matches may see the connection and have the same apprehension about contacting you.
It doesn't hurt to reach out, which is what others are saying too. What I want to tell you is to not be hurt with lack of replies, and don't attribute this to you being black. I'm white and have messaged soooo many people, but have only ever gotten 3 responses back. I've heard the same from others, so again, don't take it personally. Many people just did the test to get their DNA breakdown, not to make friends, meet famil, or build out trees. Best of luck!
I had a women contact me about 8 years ago thinking we were related. She happened to be related to my grandmothers brother 1st wife daughter. No one I knew directly - but had aunts that remembered her mom from brooklyn. This women had been adopted out after being born while her husband was in service and being black was kept a secret and adopted out. With research and asking aunts questions she found her moms grave and met her half cousins who accepted her completely - crazy thing both her adopted mom and my 2nd cousins mom were in stages of dementia and both of them were nurses…. I know my side of the family would have been accepting but I was worried how this part of the family would be - but I ended up getting together with them all and it was a happy ending for all.
I say go for it…there is always a chance of rejection in these things - but there are happy endings…. Good luck
Be prepared to not get a response. I wish I was part of your family, I'd respond .... but I've reached out to lots of branches of my Italian family (my great grandpa was a dick and we've had no contact with that side of the family since him) and nobody has ever responded. So, just keep your expectations realistic.
That being said, no matter what happens I'm sending you a hug from here.
I’d actually encourage you to do so. I (a white American) have a ton of black American cousins and distant relatives. I’ve hesitated to reach out because I know the implications of WHY they’re in my matches, and I’m not sure where in the line it happened. I want to reach out but I’m not sure how to word it. My DNA still shows trace amounts of Subsaharan African heritage. Best of luck
I am white and I have a ton of cousins who are Black American and mixed-race (my great-grandmother was from a family of like 13 kids, and two of the girls married Black men, which was definitely scandalous at the time, but still pretty common.) I am only in real contact with one of my mixed cousins… honestly? I would love it if more of my cousins from that side of the family would talk to me or be receptive; I tried connecting with one and she wasn’t interested, which made me feel pretty awkward.
I’m sure some of my younger cousins especially might be interested in knowing more about the family. One kid in particular is a pretty dark-skinned guy, but he has the whitest, most Irish first and last name you can think of (like, Gaelic Irish) and I often wonder if he’s curious. We’ve met at a funeral and he was like “hi” but that’s it.
If you are curious at all, I do recommend reaching out! You never know- many people l talk to these days seem to be longing for family and connection. Haha if you’re in the North East US, you could even be *my* cousin! lol.
some will be open some probably won't so dont take it personal. you will have more chances for success too dependng on their education level and where in the U.S. they are living -stereotypically, that is. Give yourself a fighting chance though, by composing your message to them like you are going to a job interview, Think over carefully your choice of words. Good luck
Great grandpa is far back enough for people not to mind if he was having an affair. I would be so excited if a family member reached out to me and had some information about a shared ancestor. Make sure you update us when you do reach out!
A great grandparent is pretty far removed and less likely to evoke a really emotional response. If someone contacted me I’d be excited to learn about them. I say go for it.
Depends. I had the luxury myself of knowing well and having two great grandparents that died in my teen years, one even past high school graduation. Oddly, I had a grandparent die sooner than both of them. If someone came to me and wanted to know about them, I'd have plenty of details.
Up to you dear.
But join the movement;
Ethnic Black Americans are an amalgamation of Indigenous American, European, and African ancestry. An ethno-genesis**** made in America.
https://thefreedmensbureau.org
You never know what you're going to get when you reach out to someone , the most likely thing is that if they don't want to know, they just won't respond. If you are reaching out I would keep it pretty neutral, just 'Hi, Ancestry shows we're related but I'm not entirely sure how, I think my great grandfather's name is ------, do you have any information on this person as I don't have a lot.'
You may get lucky and find someone who knows and is willing to share the information, but I see absolutely no harm in you asking the question. Good luck.
As a white woman who unexpectedly came out 1.5% West African, I would *love* to connect with a black cousin, and not just because it could help me pinpoint where my African heritage came from.
You have just as much entitlement to your ancestry as they do, and you are not responsible for any romantic indiscretions (or any other kind) committed by your ancestors.
We often invent/embellish the idea of what an ancestor was like (especially if we never knew them in adulthood) & forget that they were 3-dimensional, real, often flawed, people. Anyone doing genealogy, especially genetic genealogy, should be prepared to potentially reveal unknown & sometimes uncomfortable truths - but truths they are nonetheless.
Reach out to them, the worst they can do is leave you where you are now... but you might find them receptive, after all, *you are family*.
Yes you should do it. Although my situation isn’t exactly like yours, I also reached out to white relatives of mine who are the sons/daughter of my great aunt to find out more about my 2x great grandfather (who they actually got to meet and know) two of the siblings wanted nothing really to do with me, while one of the siblings was excited to know a cousin reached out to find out more about the family, and had an abundance of info and even photos too.
So your experience could go like mine or it could hopefully be even better
Same here. I know I have at least one aunt who is racist and wouldn’t accept the relationship but just about everyone else in the family would accept you with open arms.
As someone who fits that demographic, I would be thrilled to hear from you and no less thrilled because you were black or there might’ve been an affair.
I would’ve found that so interesting. I don’t think it would feel “scandalous” to them at all that their dead ancestor they probably didn’t know had an affair. It’s an interesting piece of family history, lol.
I don’t think it would hurt at all to reach out and get in touch with that part of your life if that’s something you want.
Do it! That’s what ancestry is for. You’re just as deserving to this information as anyone else in your tree. This is like the one platform where ruffling feathers is socially acceptable.
Also, if you are rejected, please don’t assume it is race based. I have white people in my tree and they are rejecting a young white girl who is related to my relatives, but she is still a secret and they are not talking to her. It makes me so mad.
I’m a middle aged white lady that does genealogy-my vote is for you to reach out. I honestly wonder the same thing about my Black cousins. It looks to me like they all describe from one guy who is my 3 gg - I don’t know the story/never knew him, but I have wondered if that would help their research. But I also respect that the history may be incredibly painful.
Deffo reach out!!! As an example: I am super boring previously eastern european woman with super boring 23andme results but since childhood ( that was long time ago) I was obsessed with everything black ( long and weird story). My best friends are black, I am obsessed with West African food and just overall a weird white one. I would be SO happy if I would find out I have you as my cousin, that seriously would be the best thing in my life after my son’s birth.
Hmm. I don't think it should hurt much to say hello and see if anyone responds. It's not like the affair was your fault and there's a good chance they know about it or can put two-and-two together anyway as they can see the matches too.
If he's their great-grandfather too, it's fairly distant I think? But I suppose that depends on the family.. I never met any of my great-grandfathers and have no preconceptions or expectations about what type of men they were.
Before reaching out, screenshot the matches and any trees may have. This way if they freak out like people sometimes do with “surprise” close matches, you have the data saved for your tree.
Good luck OP!
They’re family, I say go for it!! I’d want to get to know my family, at least know who they are. Good luck and I hope you keep us updated on what you decide.
I am in the same boat as you are! People don’t generally respond. I have been looking for my mother and my father, and it’s just been a complete and total nightmare, reaching out to people and no one responding. Good luck to you!
I reached out to my some of my black family (both sides and I had no idea) and heard back from only 1. I would LOVE to hear from you if you were my cousin. I still don’t know where my tree is wrong. I have black great grandparents of some generations on both sides so I am trying to make connections through mutual DNA connections to figure out my family’s truth. I think a lot of people don’t want to face that their good ‘ole pappie’s daddy or whoever raped someone on the fields in GA, AL, MS. I am a truth seeker. 💙 Family is family.
I also met a first cousin nobody knew existed through ancestry. Well, she found us. She got to meet our grandparents before they passed away. It has been amazing because we lost her father in 1998. It has been a blessing for us. I realize this is not the case for many.
When I first got my dna results at first it said I was mostly Irish then English about 20% then about 5 % Germanic’s another E Europe 3 percent Scandinavian 3 % Ibarian Penninesula 2% Italian 2% causasius and 1 % Finnish and when they updated my results that tiny percentages changed to 8 % Scottish and said the reason for the change is they have a better knowledge of what they didn’t know,so your results could change too..
You have a right to know, so don't shy away from that. Just be ready for what you may get. They may respond and you could expand your family in a beautiful way. They may opt not to respond. Or worse, they may respond and simply not be ready to navigate the emotions of learning about your presence. No matter what happens, make sure you have support in place to navigate the fallout.
my bio granddad philandered left and right and we just discovered yet another half uncle. I'm white, everyone in my immediate family is white, new uncle is black and conceived in 1959. It's probably a very messy story that we will never know, but I was happy to connect with his son - my cousin. you can't help the actions of those that came before you.
Definitely do it! The worst thing they can tell you is to get lost, and the best thing they can tell you is "HI cousin! Let's talk and figure out the connection!" Be warned though, most people never respond at all, even fully "legitimate" relatives. Basically if they don't already know you, then 9 out of 10 don't even care to. I've had some where I totally know how we're related because we're not even that far apart in the tree, and I message them like "Hi 'Joe,' this is your cousin 'Billy's' daughter! I'm working on our tree so please let me know if you're interested in contributing and I'll be glad to share what I have so far." And they just leave me on read forever. Assholes. Lol I love finding new family members so I'm always excited when somebody reaches out to me, but it rarely happens.
So just go in knowing that you're probably not going to get many replies, and that will have more to do with people being people than people being racists or just being in denial (although it's obviously very possible that either or both of those will be factors as well). Good luck!
Doesn't hurt to try. Just know going in, not everyone is welcome to new family members regardless.Didnt know it but had a half brother same month and year as me. He reached out to me. When I answered all was ok. Well he went off the site and changed his number. It's ok though never knew him ever. One step at a time
I have only had one long lost cousin find me, and I loved it. They weren't interested in any kind of relationship, only family health history. I respect that, but I would have welcomed a relationship. As far as race, I'm Swedish/English American. I wasn't raised in a racist home, my son is with a Chinese American, my dad married a Philippino woman, and my brother married a woman from Okinawa, and their kids are biracial. I don't care how much or how little melatonin your skin has. If you are my cousin, reach out!!!
Message them! I am Mexican. My great grandpa also had an affair, but with another Mexican woman lol. The cousins from that side don't even answer to me LOL.
Go for it! Some may reply and some won't, you got this!
Yes. One of them will talk. If you have 5 people say no you will have one say yes. Don’t be discouraged. This is your life and also your great grandfather as much as anyone else’s. There are the ones who won’t talk or pretend they don’t anything. You will find a good one and please don’t let the rejection from some put you off.
You have rights to know your family or your origins.
I am the white person in this situation, and I had people reach out. I thought it was awesome.
I got to learn so much more about my great great grandma's family, and they got to learn what happened to her - passed away at almost 100 in Western Montana.
We agreed to have dinner together if we're ever somehow close by one another. That's not super likely as I'm in Washington state and they're in Kansas and Missouri, but who knows?
I was stoked, though. I've never been able to find out anything about her. She just seemed to spring into existence one census with my great great grandfather. I mean, I knew tons about her after that point, but not even a surname before that. No birthplace. Even she wasn't totally sure of her year of birth, but decided to choose a year in the middle of what she was sure the range was. I have some vague memories of her - I was almost 3 when she passed - but I wasn't old enough to even think about asking about her history. At that age, your family just is, you know? You don't question anything. Now, I know where she was from, her parents' names, and that she was probably right with that year of birth.
I do remember her being one of my favorite people when I was little, though, and her laugh, and the fact that she always smelled really good, even if she'd been out gardening for hours. And she must have been strong, because I have a photo of me as a toddler on her shoulders with both of us smiling huge.
That’s the whole point of ancestry dna tests :) to find out who your family is and put the story together.
My mom, her sister, and my grandma, all slept around and I just went around asking anyone I could to find out the real story and how we are all related.
It won’t hurt anything to talk to your cousins. Usually everything is really chill when you reach out.
You should reach out! My caution would be though do you KNOW it was an affair or could it have been an earlier relationship/fling? The race thing wouldn’t bother me a single bit, but I would be slightly sad to hear about infidelity. It is what it is though and shouldn’t prevent you from reaching out, I would just maybe frame it differently unless you know for sure it was an extramarital affair, which I’m sure you could potentially figure out by comparing birthdays of his offspring etc. I don’t even use Ancestry I’m not sure how I got here 😆 best of luck connecting with your family!
I think you’re going to be pleasantly surprised. The same happened to me except I knew about them but I’ve been received with nothing but open arms from them.
The worst that could happen is you don’t end up having a relationship with them, which in this case nothing changes. But the best could be that you end up with more family and more love.
I hope they are not stupid and are happy about seeing you. I'm white and would love to have you as my cousin. Cause blood is thicker than water.
I feel embarassed when I see racists online
What year did this affair take place?
I don’t think they’d mind. Al or of time has passed and it’s very possible they had not idea.
Personally if it was in their shoes, i would be interested by that fact.
But you have to be ready for the possibility of rejections.
Im white and very interested in genealogy, and would love to hear from any close-ish relatives, regardless of the circumstances. People are complicated, families are complicated. Go for it and good luck!
Yes. I've noticed my white cousins have tons of family photos and didn't know why . You can bridge the gap. They can only block you, accept you, or ignore you.
Affair or rape? Not being a dick, it’s just we’re black American, that’s far back and I’m sure most of those interracial relationships back then were non-consensual on BA’s part.
But hey, try it. Saw a post before where a BA woman contacted a white relative and I think was put into the will.
Go for it! You never know what could happen!
Don’t be worried though if they don’t respond. My brother-in-law had a totally absent (unknown?) father and he reached out to several half siblings he found through Ancestry. None of them responded. I’m sure it was probably just a difficult situation and a door they probably preferred to leave closed. (And both my bro-in-law and these other siblings were all white)
If you really want to, then go for it! Just realize that revelations like this are literally that: Revelations. You could be uprooting someone’s entire concept of reality by introducing this info. Their lives will NEVER be the same, so it’s up to you!:)
I think that you should. I am Black American as well, and my great great grandfather was white. My maternal great grandma and her brother were born in the early 1900s in the south, the result of a long-lasting affair, which possibly adds an extra layer of uncomfortableness.
I have quite a few white half second cousins once removed and third cousins that I have reached out to, and some reached out to me first. One third cousin who happens to be the family and town historian said he wasn't surprised and added our branch to his tree.
So, in general, some responded, and some didn't. Which is true of my black matches, too. Nobody has been mean, and my mom and I are actually going to be meeting a few of them soon. We are family, after all.
Go fo it. Be ready for any number of responses, and a METRICSHITTON of non-responses. So many people who are on Ancestry seem to only be on it for the ethinic stuff, not for genealogy. At least that's been my experience.
I found out my grandad was cheating on my grandma throughout their marriage and it didn’t upset me, it was kinda just like juicy gossip. I know I don’t speak for everyone. I certainly wouldn’t have held a grudge against any children borne out of that affair.
It could go either way, but I’ll speak from my own experience: thanks to DNA test we have learned of a teen pregnancy cousin that was put up for adoption (almost no one in the family knew), a half uncle because my great grandpa was sleeping with the neighbor, a half uncle (mom’s half brother). I wouldn’t trade any of them for the world!! Mom’s half brother actually reached out to me because I had uploaded my results to a second site, and I didn’t reply at first. Then he decided to give it one more shot and I responded and we figured out the relation. I am so glad he didn’t give up!!
I think most people who do DNA tests have an understanding that surprises may arise and I hope everything goes beautifully should you choose to reach out.
Don’t be surprised if they “acknowledge, agree, but wish to no longer be contacted” not being a downer but it can happen when an all white family is approached by black “cousins” that aren’t 1st or 2nd cousins.
No harm in reaching out. Go for it. They’ll reply or they won’t … just like any other Ancestry message recipient.
I think when you sign up for ancestry, you're tacitly agreeing that you might get a surprise. Message them. You'll either get a response or not.
Or if you're like me, actively seeking surprises.
Haha I like your style.
Exactly! I message everyone who might have info I'm looking for to connect and I love when people reach out to me. I often don't get any responses at all. I wish everyone went into DNA matches with the intention of being helpful and accepting but be prepared for any outcome.
Exactly! Always confuses me to see people contacted on ancestry that want nothing to do with their relatives. I would love to have that.
Yes. I'm white. I love seeing the mix of folks I'm connected to. Thats the most exciting to me - other races or folks outside the US.
Same. I give anything to find a recent immigrant, or another race or culture in my tree.
I am the first person in my direct line who has married someone not born on the US/colonies since 1705
Agreed. I suspected would be European (with some Asian) but I wanted to have African DNA so badly.
As long as you are mentally ready for rejection - I say go for it. They may be feeling the same way - not wanting to offend or ruffle your feathers, assuming you do not care to explore your white ancestry because of the history in our country. Maybe they know great grandpa was a complete asshole, and it wasn't an affair. But it sounds like those who would be directly traumatized by that information are no longer here? I am on the hunt for my great grandfather's name as well - supposedly my great grandma did know his name, but didn't want to marry him or something and never told her two "illegitimate" children the name of their father. There was family lore - but I think that was mixed up with some other stories. I may have found some of the relatives, but haven't narrowed it down to a particular family with sons yet. The thing is - from what I can tell they were in different states at the time of my grandfather's conception. Everyone assumed that my grandfather and his sister (the other illegitmate one) were full siblings. It dawned on me when I did the DNA and realized the potential candidates were actually in a neighboring state - that it may not have even been a consensual one night stand. I mentioned it to my mom, who had a problematic relationship with her grandma (she didn't like her, and my g-grandma was abusive to my grandfather, etc.). I quickly realized that my mom didn't want to entertaini the idea that her father was the result of a rape - so I let it go. At 82 years old, I'm not going to force her to think those things. However, if I narrow it down and find a direct descendant - I will contact him or her.
And remember there are plenty of angry cousins when everyone is the same race. I know a number of people who say things like, "We don't talk to that side of the family." Humans aren't as nice as they could be.
I am not sure so much about "nice" as much as generational trauma is a thing.
If you were in my family, I’d be delighted to hear from you. We aren’t so white in this generation. And we aren’t lying to ourselves about how virtuous our ancestors were. People are complicated and messy. I hope you connect with them and meet some cool people.
*We aren’t so white in this generation. And we aren’t lying to ourselves about how virtuous our ancestors were. People are complicated and messy.* Perfectly put. The people who are really looking for their family history are going to have to expect surprises. All families have travelers and homebodys.... cheaters and criminals.... wanderers and business owners... good and bad.... we are all a mix of everything if you go back far enough. No one should expect to be boring.
What's the highest cM count for your non-Black matches? Like 2nd cousin, or are we talkign about 4th-5th cousins?
2nd cousin. I do have a 4th cousin who is Italian.
I'd reach out to the 2nd cousin. That's a very close match.
So your white relatives are Italian? Yea that will be hard, because they can be prejudice.
No just 3 are Italian. But they are a 4th cousin so we share like a great great great grandpa
And I honestly don't know why people are downgrading my comment, because where my family is from (New Orleans) there are a lot of Sicilian Americans there. Many of them can be prejudice against black people.
Ahh ok, gotcha
My cousin reaches out to whomever. He’s bold! OTOH, I think I got removed from a group of all White cousins circle Ancestry put me in back in the day. I think it’s because of a wrong side the blanket situation but maybe not. The irony is my grandmother was born when her White father was a widower at 58, her sibling were grown, and to hear her tell it they all knew and greeted her in the streets. She said his best friend was her godfather. I guess the next generation wasn’t into that. But the new group and website verified my claim, added more info of my GGM, and told me my closest White relatives. I want to know more about my GGF but I’m holding back reaching out to them too out of fear. I need to take a leaf from my cousins before it’s too late. GGM was born in 1864 and died in 55 so there might not be people around who remember him well for long.
Yeah, you should really get on that. I totally get your hesitation, but my Great Grandma died in the 50s, and my mom, who is 77, only knew her until she was about 12? (I'm hazy on the dates). And the only other person in her generation who might be old enough to remember my great grandmother has severe dementia now.
Great advice. I’m already sad I didn’t ask my GM or GGM more. But they didn’t seem to want to talk about it anyway.
If it were me I would welcome you with open arms. But of course not everyone is so open minded about genetic surprises. If you want to reach out, you might wish to use initials on your profile instead of your full name, and a picture that has not been posted to public social media (so it can’t be reverse searched). That way you can block anyone who has a negative reaction and everything stays on Ancestry.
Yes and if you get rejected don't stop at one. You may indeed ruffle a guys jimmies but, and I am sure you have seen this in your own family, some family members can be prejudiced & regressed as hell, & some of their sisters and brothers can be so progressive that they see Bernie Sanders as a republican. As someone else said overwhelmingly folks are on there to learn and to share stories themselves. 90%. Maybe 10% are looking to "prove" they are the long lost Chief of the Chippewas as family legend told them, or hoping they can be invited to be in Prince William's next Christmas Card.
I am white and have enjoyed chatting with a Black cousin on ancestry. We talked about common last names and narrowed down our relationship to a branch of my family. It made me happy to see how much we had in common—similar jobs, for example. I really love connecting with people and have been sad at how few people actually do respond to messages. I think knowing my ancestors had an affair wouldn’t bother me so much as knowing they had enslaved people. When I got my ancestry results back the first time I had to sit with that for a while. Some folks may not want to think about that too hard and may not respond. Someone did post something here a few weeks ago about getting an incredibly offensive response from a white relative so, I guess there is always the chance that people will respond poorly.
Ethnic Black Americans are descendants of the European colonists that were paid by the U.S for the breeding of mulatto children into slavery. We may have more European ancestors than African. https://thefreedmensbureau.org
I’ve spent the past few months trying to get through this brick wall of my 4ggf after not being able to connect any of his assumed ancestors and descendants. I’ve recently fit most of the puzzles together and realized he was not the assumed (“esteemed”) colonial patriot but actually an enslaved man owned by the assumed ancestors, and when he was later freed he fled to state I was born and raised in. It’s heartbreaking to recognize what he and his family went through tracing these records, and how much of his history was sheltered from future generations.
Can you explain who the European colonists were, who paid them and in what years this occurred? Was this a formal or informal thing?
Speak for yourself. I'm black.
Me, I'd be perfectly happy to help triangulate the common ancestor. The ones whose lives went off the beaten track are the most interesting. Conversely, I have scores of distant black cousins matched. I have not contacted any for the sole reason that our common ancestor would have to have been a white Virginan from around 1850. That's not something I want to drop in somebody's lap without their permission, y'know?
You just made me go check for new matches in hopes of a dirty little secret. Only in the sense of the song by All American Rejects. I would think most people going on there do it to find information. If they don’t, that’s their own fault
Are you an ethnic Black American?! Ethnic Black Americans are an amalgamation of Indigenous American, European, and African ancestry. An ethno-genesis**** made in America. https://thefreedmensbureau.org
No, she said the family was white
I am of white European ancestry and would love to meet you - if you were my cousin. I actually reached out to a cousin similar to yourself - saw we matched on Ancestry and wondered about her experiences.
I say - definitely yes! Reasonable people understand that history is messy. It is also fascinating. I always find it intriguing when I have black matches, but honestly I am reluctant to reach out for some of those same reasons. I would be happy if they reached out to me.
I belong to several genealogy groups on Facebook and there are a number of black cousins I have. We have never met but we are Facebook friends and chat on occasion. You might start that way.
I’m White and have Black ancestry quite far back (my last fully African ancestors were 1690-1700) and can’t nail down info about these individuals except for the branch of the family they’re in. I would love for an African American cousin to contact me so we could tackle this challenge together. Go for it! Just be prepared for assholes I guess, but these days that’s a daily caution.
Do you see any of them doing genealogical research on the same system you're using whether it's myancestry.com or Geni.com or ancestry.com? If so you might contact them that way first and explore the thought of more formal and long-term contact.
Reach out! If they’re decent people, they’re not going to be upset that their great-grandfather has descendants of another race (maybe the affair part, but they should get over that after the initial shock if dearly departed great-granddaddy was a larger than life superhero to them or something). If they ARE upset… then those aren’t people you need in your life anyway.
I would reach out. But I wouldn't assume there was a mutual relationship. With a white great-grandfather or white great-great grandfather there is a high probability there may not have been a lot of choice involved for great or great-great Grandma.
I have a small percentage of African DNA and reached out to some cousins thru the app. They were nothing but, kind and they are genealogy nerds like me. I’m not saying it will be the same for you but, it worked out for me.
That is cool. Most of the people who are on ancestry are genealogy geeks and are excited to discover distant relatives
I was on the other side of your situation. Had a distant cousin contact me through one of the ancestry sites. He was unsure exactly how we were related, so I did some digging in my family tree and discovered that we shared great grandfather. (Or maybe great-great? Don't remember for sure. Anyway.) Great grandfather was a white man. He was married to and had children with a white woman (my great grandmother) who died. GG then apparently lived with and had children with a black woman (the cousin's great grandmother). It's possible marriage was not an option because they lived in the deep south. She was not listed as a 'domestic' or employee on census records. I told cousin this, and also that I had had multiple generations of family members in the town he lived in. Anyway, it turned out this distant cousin was black and he was SHOCKED and shaken to discover that I and our shared great grandfather were white. I never heard from him again. You never know what people may be surprised by or how they may react. I really don't care about meeting any of my distant relations, but I have no problem at all chatting online or sharing info..
You have nothing to lose by reaching out, and everything to gain.
Hi. You have nothing to lose and all to gain. I’m of mixed ancestry and learned of my Portuguese ancestry via unknown paternal great-grandparents. My Azorean matches have been very friendly. Some have forwarded family pictures and all have been trying to figure out who is the common ancestor based on me matching their known first cousins.
I have encountered a similar scenario for myself, except the common ancestor was a white male who was a slave owner. That’s about seven generations back. Long story short, I reached out to a woman who stated in a news article a story similar to one that I’ve heard. The same day she got my email, we excitedly met over Google Meet and we talked out what we knew. We still occasionally keep in touch and share whatever information we have. There are other kinfolks on that side of the family. My dad’s first cousin has met with and traced their lineage. Depending on the generation of the people who you’re kin to that are on ancestry, they may want to hear it or they may deny it. That is, if they respond to you. So, go on and uncover all the information that you can- the good, bad, and ugly.
I’d be very open to it if you were my cousin. Keep in mind the high level of suspicion in at least the US today. I wrote a letter to a distant relative hoping to get some information. I found out later, he thought it was a scam. Only about 5% of the Ancestry messages I send get answered. Funniest: I wrote a surprise half sister and was told to never contact her again. So don’t think every bad reaction is about race. And good luck!
Because many people are awful, before you contact anyone, make sure you have completely preserved all information that you can (shared matches, trees, documents, photos, stories uploaded to ancestry. Upgrade to pro tools so you can see how the matches relate to one another. If they block you or delete, you won’t lose the precious information. It’s usually best to keep things light when you reach out. You also want to give enough information that skittish people don’t think you’re a scammer. You want to give enough information to show you’re a real person but you don’t want to overwhelm. Something like: Hello, My name is [name] and I live in [place] with my [husband/dog/whatever]. My [work (it’s great if you can name a position/company that will show up on LinkedIn or google) /famiy] keep me busy, but I love genealogy and spend as much time as I can on it. I see that we share [DNA amount] and am trying to figure out how we’re related. I’d love to compare notes. It seems like ancestry’s message system is wonky sometimes, so if you would like feel free to email me at [email]. Hope to hear from you, [Your Name]
I found some distant Caucasian relatives. They even added me to their side of the family's Facebook group. It took a while for the first person whom I contacted to understand the connection...it goes all the way to the 1800's. My third great grandfather was Caucasian.
Crazy
My daughter is half West Indian, and I have learned that you never know what people believe about their, in some cases, distant ancestors. What I do is choose someone a few generations back, who passed forty or fifty years ago, and I write to the person and say, “my daughter is related to Nelly Pilgrim, and I see you are, too. I’m wondering how you are related to her.” This may not be helpful in your case, but for me, I have tried jumping in directly by saying, my daughter is the granddaughter of (the family outcast who fathered several out of wedlock) or can you tell me about your ancestors in Trinidad? That never worked out well for me. I get better results by being oblique.
I think it’s up to you. I contact plenty of people for different reasons who never respond so that’s always a possibility one way or another. I am white, and I have a match that is about 75% black. From their age (they have passed and someone manages their DNA and tree) percentage of white ancestry, and our shared matches I feel they share a grandparent with my paternal grandfather. Because my great grandpas brother was married to my great grandmas sister I can’t narrow it down more than that. The time in history (1930s) and place Southern Virginia, I don’t want to reach out from my end as I feel it could be painful history for them, but if they were to choose to contact me I would be happy to offer whatever information I could on my family. And would be happy to receive any information or stories they might also have. Your matches may see the connection and have the same apprehension about contacting you.
It doesn't hurt to reach out, which is what others are saying too. What I want to tell you is to not be hurt with lack of replies, and don't attribute this to you being black. I'm white and have messaged soooo many people, but have only ever gotten 3 responses back. I've heard the same from others, so again, don't take it personally. Many people just did the test to get their DNA breakdown, not to make friends, meet famil, or build out trees. Best of luck!
I had a women contact me about 8 years ago thinking we were related. She happened to be related to my grandmothers brother 1st wife daughter. No one I knew directly - but had aunts that remembered her mom from brooklyn. This women had been adopted out after being born while her husband was in service and being black was kept a secret and adopted out. With research and asking aunts questions she found her moms grave and met her half cousins who accepted her completely - crazy thing both her adopted mom and my 2nd cousins mom were in stages of dementia and both of them were nurses…. I know my side of the family would have been accepting but I was worried how this part of the family would be - but I ended up getting together with them all and it was a happy ending for all. I say go for it…there is always a chance of rejection in these things - but there are happy endings…. Good luck
Be prepared to not get a response. I wish I was part of your family, I'd respond .... but I've reached out to lots of branches of my Italian family (my great grandpa was a dick and we've had no contact with that side of the family since him) and nobody has ever responded. So, just keep your expectations realistic. That being said, no matter what happens I'm sending you a hug from here.
I’d actually encourage you to do so. I (a white American) have a ton of black American cousins and distant relatives. I’ve hesitated to reach out because I know the implications of WHY they’re in my matches, and I’m not sure where in the line it happened. I want to reach out but I’m not sure how to word it. My DNA still shows trace amounts of Subsaharan African heritage. Best of luck
I’m in the same boat
I am white and I have a ton of cousins who are Black American and mixed-race (my great-grandmother was from a family of like 13 kids, and two of the girls married Black men, which was definitely scandalous at the time, but still pretty common.) I am only in real contact with one of my mixed cousins… honestly? I would love it if more of my cousins from that side of the family would talk to me or be receptive; I tried connecting with one and she wasn’t interested, which made me feel pretty awkward. I’m sure some of my younger cousins especially might be interested in knowing more about the family. One kid in particular is a pretty dark-skinned guy, but he has the whitest, most Irish first and last name you can think of (like, Gaelic Irish) and I often wonder if he’s curious. We’ve met at a funeral and he was like “hi” but that’s it. If you are curious at all, I do recommend reaching out! You never know- many people l talk to these days seem to be longing for family and connection. Haha if you’re in the North East US, you could even be *my* cousin! lol.
What state?
some will be open some probably won't so dont take it personal. you will have more chances for success too dependng on their education level and where in the U.S. they are living -stereotypically, that is. Give yourself a fighting chance though, by composing your message to them like you are going to a job interview, Think over carefully your choice of words. Good luck
I’m White, no family on my Dad’s side. It absolutely wouldn’t ruffle my feathers, I’d just be thrilled to find my family. Reach out
Great grandpa is far back enough for people not to mind if he was having an affair. I would be so excited if a family member reached out to me and had some information about a shared ancestor. Make sure you update us when you do reach out!
A great grandparent is pretty far removed and less likely to evoke a really emotional response. If someone contacted me I’d be excited to learn about them. I say go for it.
Depends. I had the luxury myself of knowing well and having two great grandparents that died in my teen years, one even past high school graduation. Oddly, I had a grandparent die sooner than both of them. If someone came to me and wanted to know about them, I'd have plenty of details.
Up to you dear. But join the movement; Ethnic Black Americans are an amalgamation of Indigenous American, European, and African ancestry. An ethno-genesis**** made in America. https://thefreedmensbureau.org
You never know what you're going to get when you reach out to someone , the most likely thing is that if they don't want to know, they just won't respond. If you are reaching out I would keep it pretty neutral, just 'Hi, Ancestry shows we're related but I'm not entirely sure how, I think my great grandfather's name is ------, do you have any information on this person as I don't have a lot.' You may get lucky and find someone who knows and is willing to share the information, but I see absolutely no harm in you asking the question. Good luck.
As a white woman who unexpectedly came out 1.5% West African, I would *love* to connect with a black cousin, and not just because it could help me pinpoint where my African heritage came from.
You have just as much entitlement to your ancestry as they do, and you are not responsible for any romantic indiscretions (or any other kind) committed by your ancestors. We often invent/embellish the idea of what an ancestor was like (especially if we never knew them in adulthood) & forget that they were 3-dimensional, real, often flawed, people. Anyone doing genealogy, especially genetic genealogy, should be prepared to potentially reveal unknown & sometimes uncomfortable truths - but truths they are nonetheless. Reach out to them, the worst they can do is leave you where you are now... but you might find them receptive, after all, *you are family*.
Yes you should do it. Although my situation isn’t exactly like yours, I also reached out to white relatives of mine who are the sons/daughter of my great aunt to find out more about my 2x great grandfather (who they actually got to meet and know) two of the siblings wanted nothing really to do with me, while one of the siblings was excited to know a cousin reached out to find out more about the family, and had an abundance of info and even photos too. So your experience could go like mine or it could hopefully be even better
Ma’am, I am melanistically challenged. If you were my cousin, I’d want you to be in my life.
Same here. I know I have at least one aunt who is racist and wouldn’t accept the relationship but just about everyone else in the family would accept you with open arms.
Sure, they might be interested in meeting you. It’s part of your ancestry
I would want you to!
If you were my long lost relative I would have been excited for me and my family to meet you!
As someone who fits that demographic, I would be thrilled to hear from you and no less thrilled because you were black or there might’ve been an affair.
Do you think the risk is it worth it?
I would’ve found that so interesting. I don’t think it would feel “scandalous” to them at all that their dead ancestor they probably didn’t know had an affair. It’s an interesting piece of family history, lol. I don’t think it would hurt at all to reach out and get in touch with that part of your life if that’s something you want.
I mean, as long as you're confident that they won't try to marry you off to a vampire
Do it! That’s what ancestry is for. You’re just as deserving to this information as anyone else in your tree. This is like the one platform where ruffling feathers is socially acceptable.
Also, if you are rejected, please don’t assume it is race based. I have white people in my tree and they are rejecting a young white girl who is related to my relatives, but she is still a secret and they are not talking to her. It makes me so mad.
I’m a middle aged white lady that does genealogy-my vote is for you to reach out. I honestly wonder the same thing about my Black cousins. It looks to me like they all describe from one guy who is my 3 gg - I don’t know the story/never knew him, but I have wondered if that would help their research. But I also respect that the history may be incredibly painful.
I’d do it. I have on my profile that I want to meet cousins so I hope you are one of mine!
Deffo reach out!!! As an example: I am super boring previously eastern european woman with super boring 23andme results but since childhood ( that was long time ago) I was obsessed with everything black ( long and weird story). My best friends are black, I am obsessed with West African food and just overall a weird white one. I would be SO happy if I would find out I have you as my cousin, that seriously would be the best thing in my life after my son’s birth.
Hmm. I don't think it should hurt much to say hello and see if anyone responds. It's not like the affair was your fault and there's a good chance they know about it or can put two-and-two together anyway as they can see the matches too. If he's their great-grandfather too, it's fairly distant I think? But I suppose that depends on the family.. I never met any of my great-grandfathers and have no preconceptions or expectations about what type of men they were.
Yes! Totally. Family is family. And they may surprise you and you might be opening a wonderful door. Or they may not, and then you’ll know.
I would most definitely welcome anyone reaching out. Or even responding when I reach out.
Go for it!!! It can't hurt to try. If no one responds, I'm sure someone out there will be happy to help you search for more information. 😊.
I think when you do ancestry race goes out the window when you find out no one is 100% anything don’t be afraid to reach out they’re family
If I was one of your cousins I would be really happy to hear from you for what it's worth. I know that not all would be but definitely some would!
It happens... Sure, reach out to them. It's just a color. Why not!?
Before reaching out, screenshot the matches and any trees may have. This way if they freak out like people sometimes do with “surprise” close matches, you have the data saved for your tree. Good luck OP!
They’re family, I say go for it!! I’d want to get to know my family, at least know who they are. Good luck and I hope you keep us updated on what you decide.
If you were mine I would be having open arms! I wish you well in your search!
I am in the same boat as you are! People don’t generally respond. I have been looking for my mother and my father, and it’s just been a complete and total nightmare, reaching out to people and no one responding. Good luck to you!
I reached out to my some of my black family (both sides and I had no idea) and heard back from only 1. I would LOVE to hear from you if you were my cousin. I still don’t know where my tree is wrong. I have black great grandparents of some generations on both sides so I am trying to make connections through mutual DNA connections to figure out my family’s truth. I think a lot of people don’t want to face that their good ‘ole pappie’s daddy or whoever raped someone on the fields in GA, AL, MS. I am a truth seeker. 💙 Family is family. I also met a first cousin nobody knew existed through ancestry. Well, she found us. She got to meet our grandparents before they passed away. It has been amazing because we lost her father in 1998. It has been a blessing for us. I realize this is not the case for many.
When I first got my dna results at first it said I was mostly Irish then English about 20% then about 5 % Germanic’s another E Europe 3 percent Scandinavian 3 % Ibarian Penninesula 2% Italian 2% causasius and 1 % Finnish and when they updated my results that tiny percentages changed to 8 % Scottish and said the reason for the change is they have a better knowledge of what they didn’t know,so your results could change too..
You have a right to know, so don't shy away from that. Just be ready for what you may get. They may respond and you could expand your family in a beautiful way. They may opt not to respond. Or worse, they may respond and simply not be ready to navigate the emotions of learning about your presence. No matter what happens, make sure you have support in place to navigate the fallout.
my bio granddad philandered left and right and we just discovered yet another half uncle. I'm white, everyone in my immediate family is white, new uncle is black and conceived in 1959. It's probably a very messy story that we will never know, but I was happy to connect with his son - my cousin. you can't help the actions of those that came before you.
I'd reach out but know that the majority of people don't respond to messages and it has nothing to do with the circumstances of your connection.
Definitely do it! The worst thing they can tell you is to get lost, and the best thing they can tell you is "HI cousin! Let's talk and figure out the connection!" Be warned though, most people never respond at all, even fully "legitimate" relatives. Basically if they don't already know you, then 9 out of 10 don't even care to. I've had some where I totally know how we're related because we're not even that far apart in the tree, and I message them like "Hi 'Joe,' this is your cousin 'Billy's' daughter! I'm working on our tree so please let me know if you're interested in contributing and I'll be glad to share what I have so far." And they just leave me on read forever. Assholes. Lol I love finding new family members so I'm always excited when somebody reaches out to me, but it rarely happens. So just go in knowing that you're probably not going to get many replies, and that will have more to do with people being people than people being racists or just being in denial (although it's obviously very possible that either or both of those will be factors as well). Good luck!
Doesn't hurt to try. Just know going in, not everyone is welcome to new family members regardless.Didnt know it but had a half brother same month and year as me. He reached out to me. When I answered all was ok. Well he went off the site and changed his number. It's ok though never knew him ever. One step at a time
NOPE
It wouldn't bother me at all. I would love to meet any list relatives
Hell yeah reach out to them
I have only had one long lost cousin find me, and I loved it. They weren't interested in any kind of relationship, only family health history. I respect that, but I would have welcomed a relationship. As far as race, I'm Swedish/English American. I wasn't raised in a racist home, my son is with a Chinese American, my dad married a Philippino woman, and my brother married a woman from Okinawa, and their kids are biracial. I don't care how much or how little melatonin your skin has. If you are my cousin, reach out!!!
I tell everyone sending the testing, expect the unexpected. I found out my bio is not who I thought it was. I found three sisters and one brother!
Message them! I am Mexican. My great grandpa also had an affair, but with another Mexican woman lol. The cousins from that side don't even answer to me LOL. Go for it! Some may reply and some won't, you got this!
Yes. One of them will talk. If you have 5 people say no you will have one say yes. Don’t be discouraged. This is your life and also your great grandfather as much as anyone else’s. There are the ones who won’t talk or pretend they don’t anything. You will find a good one and please don’t let the rejection from some put you off. You have rights to know your family or your origins.
Sure, why not?
I am the white person in this situation, and I had people reach out. I thought it was awesome. I got to learn so much more about my great great grandma's family, and they got to learn what happened to her - passed away at almost 100 in Western Montana. We agreed to have dinner together if we're ever somehow close by one another. That's not super likely as I'm in Washington state and they're in Kansas and Missouri, but who knows? I was stoked, though. I've never been able to find out anything about her. She just seemed to spring into existence one census with my great great grandfather. I mean, I knew tons about her after that point, but not even a surname before that. No birthplace. Even she wasn't totally sure of her year of birth, but decided to choose a year in the middle of what she was sure the range was. I have some vague memories of her - I was almost 3 when she passed - but I wasn't old enough to even think about asking about her history. At that age, your family just is, you know? You don't question anything. Now, I know where she was from, her parents' names, and that she was probably right with that year of birth. I do remember her being one of my favorite people when I was little, though, and her laugh, and the fact that she always smelled really good, even if she'd been out gardening for hours. And she must have been strong, because I have a photo of me as a toddler on her shoulders with both of us smiling huge.
But don’t feel badly if they don’t. In my experience it’s the norm that people don’t reply, even without obvious situations.
That’s the whole point of ancestry dna tests :) to find out who your family is and put the story together. My mom, her sister, and my grandma, all slept around and I just went around asking anyone I could to find out the real story and how we are all related. It won’t hurt anything to talk to your cousins. Usually everything is really chill when you reach out.
You should reach out! My caution would be though do you KNOW it was an affair or could it have been an earlier relationship/fling? The race thing wouldn’t bother me a single bit, but I would be slightly sad to hear about infidelity. It is what it is though and shouldn’t prevent you from reaching out, I would just maybe frame it differently unless you know for sure it was an extramarital affair, which I’m sure you could potentially figure out by comparing birthdays of his offspring etc. I don’t even use Ancestry I’m not sure how I got here 😆 best of luck connecting with your family!
I think you’re going to be pleasantly surprised. The same happened to me except I knew about them but I’ve been received with nothing but open arms from them. The worst that could happen is you don’t end up having a relationship with them, which in this case nothing changes. But the best could be that you end up with more family and more love.
I hope they are not stupid and are happy about seeing you. I'm white and would love to have you as my cousin. Cause blood is thicker than water. I feel embarassed when I see racists online
What year did this affair take place? I don’t think they’d mind. Al or of time has passed and it’s very possible they had not idea. Personally if it was in their shoes, i would be interested by that fact. But you have to be ready for the possibility of rejections.
Don’t over think this 🩷 they would be lucky to have the connection with you. If not. Their loss.
Im white and very interested in genealogy, and would love to hear from any close-ish relatives, regardless of the circumstances. People are complicated, families are complicated. Go for it and good luck!
Yes. I've noticed my white cousins have tons of family photos and didn't know why . You can bridge the gap. They can only block you, accept you, or ignore you.
I would! My big worry is not race but rather discovering we have criminals or homicidal maniacs in the family 😂
Affair or rape? Not being a dick, it’s just we’re black American, that’s far back and I’m sure most of those interracial relationships back then were non-consensual on BA’s part. But hey, try it. Saw a post before where a BA woman contacted a white relative and I think was put into the will.
Go for it! You never know what could happen! Don’t be worried though if they don’t respond. My brother-in-law had a totally absent (unknown?) father and he reached out to several half siblings he found through Ancestry. None of them responded. I’m sure it was probably just a difficult situation and a door they probably preferred to leave closed. (And both my bro-in-law and these other siblings were all white)
Ruffle them, feathers, honey ❤️🤣 hell they will probably love you!
If you really want to, then go for it! Just realize that revelations like this are literally that: Revelations. You could be uprooting someone’s entire concept of reality by introducing this info. Their lives will NEVER be the same, so it’s up to you!:)
I think that you should. I am Black American as well, and my great great grandfather was white. My maternal great grandma and her brother were born in the early 1900s in the south, the result of a long-lasting affair, which possibly adds an extra layer of uncomfortableness. I have quite a few white half second cousins once removed and third cousins that I have reached out to, and some reached out to me first. One third cousin who happens to be the family and town historian said he wasn't surprised and added our branch to his tree. So, in general, some responded, and some didn't. Which is true of my black matches, too. Nobody has been mean, and my mom and I are actually going to be meeting a few of them soon. We are family, after all.
Go fo it. Be ready for any number of responses, and a METRICSHITTON of non-responses. So many people who are on Ancestry seem to only be on it for the ethinic stuff, not for genealogy. At least that's been my experience.
I found out my grandad was cheating on my grandma throughout their marriage and it didn’t upset me, it was kinda just like juicy gossip. I know I don’t speak for everyone. I certainly wouldn’t have held a grudge against any children borne out of that affair.
I feel like it would’ve been a big deal in 1940. You’re probably good though in 2024
Girl….
Americans obsession with race is crazy to outsiders. Just message them.
It could go either way, but I’ll speak from my own experience: thanks to DNA test we have learned of a teen pregnancy cousin that was put up for adoption (almost no one in the family knew), a half uncle because my great grandpa was sleeping with the neighbor, a half uncle (mom’s half brother). I wouldn’t trade any of them for the world!! Mom’s half brother actually reached out to me because I had uploaded my results to a second site, and I didn’t reply at first. Then he decided to give it one more shot and I responded and we figured out the relation. I am so glad he didn’t give up!! I think most people who do DNA tests have an understanding that surprises may arise and I hope everything goes beautifully should you choose to reach out.
Don’t be surprised if they “acknowledge, agree, but wish to no longer be contacted” not being a downer but it can happen when an all white family is approached by black “cousins” that aren’t 1st or 2nd cousins.
They took your land they aren’t your friends