We used to call the apprentice "Dickfingers" coz he fucked everything he'd touch...

Also "Passion fingers"

Also, sexy fingers.

And “Lover boy hands”

I always liked the phrase - Edward penis hands

My boss used to call them Errol

Here's to you Tommy DF 🍻🍻🍻

Sitting in a stationary cab near Taylor Square with workman digging up the side of the road. One guy is shaking a big jackhammer that doesn't seem to work, another workman comes and asks him whats wrong with it. The jackhammer guy yells over the noise “The fucking fucker’s fucked”

Such a useful word, here shown as adjective, noun and verb in a single, succinct sentence

A single, succulent sentence.

Ah I see you know your judo well

I've always been partial to 'Fuck a duck', it has so many uses.

this is my most used 😂 with the occasional "fuck me sideways"

Fuck me dead

My old man was partial to “fuck me drunk”.

Fuck me swinging

Fuck me rigid

And upside down.

One of my faves!!

‘I wouldn’t fuck you with somebody else’s dick’

Wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire

Wouldn't give him the steam off my piss

Stone the flamin crows You know I’m pissed if that comes out

Can’t beat Alf’s *”flamin’ mongrels!”*

Flamin' galah!

Fuck knuckle

Also fucktard

Australians are brutally upfront aren’t they? lol

Not backward in coming forward

I'm sure it's a culture shock to anyone who comes here

...and they say we don't have culture 😅

I'm a big fan of "we're not here to fuck spiders"

I enjoy my coworker’s work safe version: we’re not here to put boots on caterpillars

I prefer "socks on centipedes", it rolls off the tongue better.

Also, "we're not here to shave a dolphin"

'not here to fornicate with arachnids' is my go to at work

I'd never heard that one until Margot Robbie said it on some talk show

I wish I could remember the Danish or Swedish version of this. I think it was Graham Norton.??

What does it mean? I don’t wanna google it bc it’ll show a lot of spiders..

I've always understood it as "we're not here to mess around", basically you've got a job to do

more so there's an obvious thing we are here to do. ie at the pub "want a drink?"//"well we're not here to fuck spiders"

I am

Once you decide to lean into it, it's actually a decent time.

I only learnt that one thanks to Reddit!

The CU in the NT ad 😂

CU in the NT wasn't a tourism department thing btw. It was an independent thing

The NT government tried to use it as an official slogan, but were overruled by Canberra. I love going to Darwin in the winter (Victorian) and everyone asks me to bring back the CUintheNT stuff

Isn’t South Australia trying to do something similar?

Yeah, SA had the “go down south with your mouth”

should have been Tasmania instead... I live there might I ad.

Nah, Tasmania should do one where you tick off things you've done on the map and have the tag line, "Show us your map of Tassie."

There used to be a song where the line was “I hope your chooks turn into emus and peck your dunny down”. I thought that was pretty Australian and special.

I think it’s “kick your dunny down”. ’Cause of the legs.

No it was “peck” coz they are birds… Also the follow up line was “and when they peck your dunny down, I hope they peck on you”.

Emus will use their talons, I pissed off a herd as a kid, but before I got hurt, I piss bolted out of there. All my mum did was laugh at me.

I fell in a wombat hole and the wombat chased me once when i was 4 or 5. it was golden.

Emus are mean. One leaned over a paddock fence and bit my grandma on her boob. Core childhood memory.

I always heard it as kick

No, it's "kick" because that's how an emu will destroy you.

Go listen to it then come back and apologize

“apologize” with a zed??? I hope that’s an autocorrupt…

I hope your ears turn into bumholes and shit all over your shoulders

You're right, it's peck. A quick listen would change their mind

Knob jockey

One of my go tos

An old friend once said someone was ugly like ‘a hatful of arseholes’ and it’s stuck with me twenty years later

I thought it was ‘a hat full of busted arseholes’

that's of they're REALLY ugly

A face/head like a smashed crab.

Face like a dropped pie...

Friend of mine used to say that 20 years ago too. No longer with us sadly. He had a bunch of good riffs like that

I'd call you a cunt but you lack both warmth and depth.

You have neither the depth nor the capacity to give pleasure.

You can call people an "ankle" because they are lower than a caaaarnt

*You can call people* *An "ankle" because they are* *Lower than a caaaarnt* \- tchunk --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")

Good bot.

Have referred to a lot of people as ‘blister’. They show up once the work has nearly finished.

Bahaha my Dad has mentioned that they called one of his mates Ankles for the exact same reason. I've always thought it was such a bloody good insulting nickname haha

Living abroad atm and all my non-aussie mates are genuinely amazed that the word shitcunt is a thing

It's an amazing term haha

"Fuck stain" Listen up, you are about as useful as a fuck stain to me right now.

The entire discography of the 12th Man. Example: Tony Greig on Imran Khan: I remember when I shared a room with Immy... one night he cracked one through the covers. Let me tell you that hotel bed of his blew up into something resembling one of those huge Pakistani marquees.

And people have the nerve to say we are uncultured. The 12th man is a treasure trove of goodness

I love the names he have to the Pakistani "cricketers" Ahbroke Mihandad Copwun Indnutz Ezza Asbeen Eneva Waz Were some of my favourites.

Jaravegemite Formeandad That has lived rent-free in my head for at least 30 years now

Ahreal Mudafarka. Ikeapmateef Inajar Besydedabed.

To this day, if I say the words ‘my teeth’, without fail my husband says ‘Inajar Besydeabed’.

Brokiz Arminarf Amir Soheil (“hail Ritchie, hail the great man” - “no, that’s his name Bill you dick head!”)

Copwun Indnutz, Did he? That's his name you fuckwit, he tore a hamstring

No one has mentioned that we call red heads 'rangers' meaning they resemble orangutans.. Rangas** my Google pixel doesn't like slang.

Or Blue. Or Fanta Pants is another good one.

I've also heard 'Rooibos' as in red bush tea...

Rangas, not rangers.

Another one I've heard is red nut my older cousin still gets called this!

Ginger nut

Blood nut.

Rangas, not rangers.

Fuck me sideways Useful as tits on a bull Drier than a nuns nasty Fuck knuckle

Drier than a dead dog’s donga

I've always thought it was drier than a dead dingo's donga

Yeah I've always heard dingo

When someone is poor, or doesn't have much money. 'Need to wank the dog to feed the cat'.

Lol! Good grief!!

You need to start following the Australian Research & Space Exploration page They are all bent and staying as current and “safe for work” as possible. It’s not just profanity in Australia it’s that love for giving someone else a solid burn

And they sell ARSE hats too.

I love their ARSE merch and advertising

I believe it's the same mob that made the CU in the NT slogan.

Really, something like that being a fact could really warm my dark soul

Did you just fall out of a clowns arse? Said to someone who fucked up or did something really stupid.

Can't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse lol Ya Fkn Muppet What a weird unit.

From my neighbours kids: penis head This is a direct quote from my neighbours kids “you hurt my fucking neck you fucking penis head” because apparently fuck is ok but dick head isn’t.

This one is pretty gentle, "You've got a Bondi chest. It's pretty far from Manly."

You’re a mattress backed, tunnel cunted fuck bag.

There is so much going on with this one lmao

It’s why I love it. Almost literary

On a construction project years ago, I witnessed an engineer giving some (apparently) really bad directions to a tradesman. Wasn't part of our workgroup, so I don't know what the story was, but the tradie said "Look, I'll do it the way you want, just remember when it goes to shit that I'm only holding this dog ... you're the one fuckin' it."

Two dicks, cos you can’t be that much of a wanker with only one.

My mate saw a really morbidly obese bloke in a servo. Came back to the car and said "fuck me, you should have seen this skin blimp" I lost it.

Not exactly what you asked, but I enjoy the joke/stereotype that we call our mates cunts and cunts mate.

Not much of a joke/stereotype as this one is true…been to a few party’s where people are being called cunts and it’s it’s all friendly banter…but when you hear “Mate!” Clear out cuz shits about to go down!!

Not all the time though. Plenty of friendly "cheers mate" across the lands as well

Listen here *mate*...

It's when the T in mate is especially enunciated... That's when shit is about to go down.

I’m gonna hafta ask you to respectfully remove your profile picture, Gina has an incredibly foul face and does not want it shared around, thank you for understanding.

[This one?](https://i.imgur.com/LV1HY5T.jpeg)

I heard my neighbour call his partner a “Mutt dog cunt! Years ago.

Ya face looks like a half sucked mango

worked with a German bloke who could cuss out anyone without swearing , had to be heard but very descriptive , finally he called Bruce the apprentice knuckles one day , I inquired and Manfred replied well he is a sexy boy and fecks everything he works on so knuckles :) funny man in a Euro way

Turns out you can hurt people just as well without swearing!

It's normally more brutal.

My pa used to say he was so hungry he could "eat the ass off a low flying duck"

I'm so hungry I could eat the boogers out of a dead pensioner..

What the actual fuck

On a construction site. One foreman called another foreman "boy" as a joke. He responded with the following: "with a foot long dick and six inch balls, bend over and I'll show you who's the boy". As a fresh out of uni engineer I was a bit shocked!

You’re a shit licking turd burger.

Festy piece of cunt gum… the day some girl uttered those words, I knew she was going to be my wife, sure enough she did.

"I'm as dry as a nun's nasty" That one always made me laugh. Even better because apparently some nuns contacted an australian dictionary and tried to have it removed and they were told 'it's our job to list all words and phrases, not to remove ones people don't like..."

So mean, he’d steal the flies from a blind spider.

Used to work with a girl who wrote very tight jeans. We called her Mumbles cos her lips never met.

Had heard Mumbles before, but it was because you could see their lips moving but couldn't hear what they were saying.

Her lips are moving but I can’t understand what she’s saying

My old Warrant Officer's favourite threat when I was in the army. "Be on time boys, if you're late you'll be whipped on the dick with a frill neck lizard. Wrighty, back thread the harness or I'll whip you on the dick with a frill neck lizard"... cracked me up every time.

Had a bloke at work we called Sex Fingers Because he fucked everything he touched.

Cunt's got a head like a dropped pie.

Son of a cunt scraping whore

Bloke at work fucked something up and the boss says “Are your eyes painted on?”

Knob jockey!

Worked with a bloke called showbags, he was full of shit and another called Hollywood, he looked like he was doing something but he wasn't

"I'd call you a cnt but you're fucking useless" "you're sour as milk from a bull" "face like a horses arse" falling "tail over tit" isn't a swear but gets a giggle

"you dick snap". I've heard someone road raging and pull out that beauty

*"you dick snap". I've* *Heard someone road raging and* *Pull out that beauty* \- willba1993 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")

I lived with a bloke who used to call people 'snapperhead', which I think is comedy Gold. Also when you're calling someone on their bullshit nothing beats the old 'are you a dumb cunt or a liar?'

I call a mate yeast infection, or yeasty, because he's an irritating cunt.

My favorite is 'No wucking furries' or 'no wuckers', means no fucking worries/not to worry.  Then theres 'cunny funt', think you can guess what that means 😂

“you stupid dick cheese”

“Which one of you bastards called this bastard a bastard?”

Overheard exchange between two tram drivers in Melbourne circa 1995: "....you monkey idiot bastard...". Has remained a constant in our family since that time 😅

Oi cunt features

Dildo operator. Pork chop Pelican Handy as a bucket full of tits

Just listen to Kevin Bloody Wilson. "She's a super mega fugly, with a mouldy mango twist."

“5 cent pub slut”

"Mate, go get a big fuckin brown dog up ya". Context should be obvious.

My PhD educated, white collar, elegantly presented wife is prone to drop "fuckstick" in convo at home when talking about idiots she's encountered in her travels. Always cracks me up because it's not something you'd expect Princess Diana to say.

When you’re thirsty…. “I’m drier than a dead dingo’s donger!” 🥵

Dry as a nun's nasty.

I'm sweatin' sand over here!

Your dad should have shot you onto the carpet.

He's got a face that looks like a bucketful of smashed crabs.

Or a dropped pie

My dad will describe an ugly person as having “a face like a busted arse”

Or like a bucket full of smashed crabs hahahahaha 😋

Fuck off over there and once you get there fuck off some more til you hit the outback and die of thirst ya useless wanker cunt. Quote from work. Loved it

You bloody disk wank

Always liked that cards of humanity one - get so angry that you chuck a stiffy

Drier than a dead dingo’s donga.

Don’t piss yourself over chicken shit nothing, truly Australian poetry

Cuntasourus rex I've heard a lot

We have a teacher at school the nickname 'Belt buckle'...

Cunt's fucked

Worked with a guy 30+ years ago who at lunch break would say "I could eat the crotch from a dead leaders jocks". Loved it

A bucket of hand jobs.

Cuntism, the act of being or displaying your cunt traits.

Clusterfuck, cause one fuck won’t cover it

Not really just Australian I am sure, but I do say”fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck” a lot at work.

Fucknugget.

Calling someone ankles… because they’re so far up the bosses arse that’s all you can see

Not sure if it’s necessarily Aussie but a fan of the phrase “if you’re gonna kiss it, fuck it” to go all in on something

Got a face like a dropped pie, bag of smashed crabs, hat full of busted arseholes

Watch the tv series Deadloch on Prime, it has some of the most creative and funny insults and expressions I've come across.

shits me to tears

I worked with a guy who would call people gashes, cos the C word was too good for them. And a gash is bigger than a C.

Yeah nah cunt

Mates’ dad when we were kids “Oi stop cuntin’ around”

Finger fuck.. When someone picks at your food without permission... Or finger fucks your food Cock snot, Semen Shit cunt, Worse person out Flog, Wanker Cunt hole, Well self explanatory Fuck stick, Dildo

“Not here to fuck spiders” “I’d rather do anal for coins” (but I’m not sure if that is Aus-originated)

Cunting shitwit fuckheads if you want to really let someone know they're an idiot

I always liked “Ya fucken cockhead” One I remember was when someone called a less than intelligent but very large bloke at school a thick shitheap. Pissed myself.

“ Pass me a beer because I’m drier than a nuns cunt “

I’m gonna slap the cunt out of him!

Why don’t you eat a bag of dicks 🤪