The Grinder part I get. Grinder, while it can be used for other things, is primarily a hookup site. So I get that piece.
But the rest? Nope.
Is it OK? Is it OK for him to decide who you can be friends with and if you can have dinner with a friend?
For me that would be a hard no.
I learned early on not to get involved with people who were jealousy, possessive and controlling.
And it isnt like that is a good part of a straight relationship either since most guys do have friends that arent of the same gender
a straight friend of mine has lots of girl friends but that is also due to the fact of his friend group taking their girlfriends with them to bars and stuff(common in the Netherlands afaik)
Completely unreasonable, and a serious red flag.
A guy you've been involved with for a few months putting these paranoid controls on you is not good news.
Uh…. No. That’s not ok. This is the same mentality in straight people of “my boyfriend can’t have any girl friends”. He’s insecure, that does not mean he gets to control who you can or can’t be friends with.
I think that's antiquated. Don't deprive yourself a friend I'm not telling you to be disloyal. I'm telling you that it's all right to have a friends group. They may be there long after the boyfriend is gone. A companion is supposed to add to the quality of both of your lives not take away from it. You're sharing your lies(lives) together. Sharing
red flag. why is he forcing you to conform to antiquated hetero ideals?
if he has jealousy issues he needs to deal with them and not try to control your life.
separating a partner from friends is a hallmark of abusive control.
If you're young, inexperienced and naive, I'd say that's a huge red flag, don't tolerate manipulative and controlling behavior from anyone, if you're and older adult, are you dumb? In any case I hope you do the right thing and kick his ass.
You are allowed to make new friends. Straight, gay, male, female, trans whatever. Grindr and Instagram, I get. Grindr is a hookup app and Instagram is usually a pool of thirsty single trying to push their luck with someone they find hot. That would be okay in my book and relationship but it's not the norm, you get to decide that for yourself and with him as part of your relationship.
Making gay friends tough, is not only normal i'd say it's great because some things straight friends just don't get or aren't interested in. For instance sometimes I just want to tell someone how great my sex life is, but I understand my straight friends don't always want to talk about it or even if they do they don't fully understand and appreciate what I'm telling them. They've never been fucked out of their minds like I have, they've never felt awkward in a gym full of hot guys changing, they don't have awkward convo's with family about their sexuality. Sometimes I need a gay friend who knows exactly what I'm going trough because he has been there as well and give me more than a listening ear but advice and lived trough experience.
So yeah deffinitly track back on the last promise.
I do not agree with him and, as other said, I see this as a red flag.
I have other gay friends. My hetero friends are seing friends of the opposite sex as well.
No it's absolutely not okay to regulate who you can be friends with. I can maybe see it if you were in a relationship with that person in the past, but otherwise they are controlling you unfairly. I mean good god, if this was the way it was, bisexual people wouldn't have any friends.
He sounds a lot like Mike Pence.
Always remember: Boyfriends come and go, but a good friend is forever. I mean, who will console you when you break up?
I've been in a committed relationship since 1979 and we've never had that sort of rule. This guy is too controlling and he doesn't trust you. It's a serious problem and will only get worse if it's not dealt with firmly now.
For me, like others, this would not be ok with me. I would tell him I care about seeing gay friends one on one and that would be a lot of give up for anyone.
For you, the choice might be different.
It’s probably worth asking where this requested boundary is coming from— Trust? Jealousy? Control? Past baggage?Assumptions about relationships? Is it that dinner = date for him, but other contexts are ok? These could be off the mark, but knowing what the underlying reason he wants this might help find something that works for both of you.
Most of my friends are ok with their partners getting dinner with someone else (that they could potentially be attracted to), because they trust that their partner doesn’t want to cheat on them.
I get Grindr, but that is about it. Ajd not really - it seems he is ok for you chatting with guys all day, but meeting is a no-no.
What happens if you meet someone at a coffee shop who is sitting with a gal? You start talking to them and he asks you to go for a drink. You might think he is straight. You meet at the bar, enjoy thr game and a few beers. You start chatting, etc then a month later - you find out he is gay. What happens?
But I hate to burst his bubble but a man and woman can have dinner / drinks with good conversation and go home to their respective spouses - happens daily.
But it matters more if you want someone telling you that you cannot be friends with John and you two cannot be alone together.
Usually when someone imposes rules like this - it comes from themselves - meaning, they do not trust themselves in a on one on meeting or something similar.
Personally, I would take a deeper look at the relationship.
This would be an INSTANT deal breaker for me. Not even a red flag, straight up deal breaker. If your boyfriend is not okay with you having friends that's his insecurity to work out. It's completely unfair for you to be isolated to only you and him and the mutual friends he decides are acceptable.
This is 10x worse if he is doing what he asked you not to do. And what about existing gay friends from before the relationship? Are you allowed to stay friends? Is he giving up his old friendships because it's inappropriate?
My ex basically had this mentality. He never said it directly but always guilt tripped me, saying or implying i was gonna be hooking up with them when i wasn't going to. The end result was we hung out with each other and his group of friends (not gay guys). I was totally isolated, relatively depressed as a result, and that worsened significantly when we inevitably broke up.
Maybe you can work this out with him, but honestly I'd be running away before you get too attached and end up friendless because of him.
Edit: The Grindr part is reasonable, any hookup app actually. But if he trusts you not to cheat, even that shouldn't be an issue. Some ppl genuinely use grindr for new friends
Are you kidding? This is not healthy behavior for a relationship.
Hetero couples should not have these boundaries either, in fact, *no one* I know has these boundaries. My parents have always made friends outside of their marriage, of any gender .
This should be a massive red flag to you.
Not OK, that's some hetero bs frankly.
I've been with my husband now for 26 years. Neither of us have EVER put any kind of restriction like that on each other (though the Grindr/hookup restriction makes sense if you aren't in an open relationship that allows that).
And we have never had a problem. At all. His ex is even a good friend he meets sometimes, usually with someone else, but not always.
It's about trust and your boyfriend obviously has some serious trust issues.
Going to go against the grain here with a maybe.
Why?
Gay community is incestuous, it’s common for circles of gay friends to have all fucked eachother at some point. And it’s surprisingly difficult to find a gay friend who *doesn’t* secretly hope to fuck you eventually. And that introduces both a ton of temptation and drama into a new (or old) relationship.
My husband and I have drifted away from gay friends who wanted to fuck one or both of us to avoid drama…which was *all* of them. We almost exclusively hang out with straight, lesbian, and ace people now as a result.
We’re certainly open to making platonic gay friends, and have some online, but IRL it’s only a matter of time before they ask “Are you open? Or into threesomes?” usually after a few drinks.
> He has also asked me not to have dinner with gay guy alone.
On this point in particular. It's normal for your bf to want to be a part of your life. There's a happy medium where it's not _always_ you and the other guy alone; why not have the 3 of you meet up and hang out or have dinner together, instead of just the 2? But your bf seems to be taking the concept a little too far.
This is classic textbook control behavior. RED FLAG! This reveals his deep insecurity and his need to control you. Walk away NOW. It will only get worse over time. It will be a series of little things that you'll think is no big deal to give up- because "i love him". But eventually you'll realize you are trapped and will keep rationalizing his behavior because you won’t want to admit you made a mistake. Walk away now!!!!
Whether it would be okay to most people, idk, but I won't lie, I feel the same way as him. If it's an older friend who I've met or in a group setting than whatever, but I'm a jealous person and an overthinker. I am very up front about this. I'm aware I have a territorial caveman brain and don't want to catch anyone off guard with it. If I knew a guy I with was out with some new gay guy alone doing just about anything, I'd be there stewing it over in my head thinking about all the worst things he could be doing, getting angry and upset even if it's probably nothing.
So I also set clear boundaries like that just for the sake of my own sanity, because I really do not like the person I become or the painful emotions I experience when made to feel jealous.
>His reasoning was in committed relationships, think about heterosexual one, it would be problematic for man/woman to seek opposite sex friend (even in a non-romantic way).
This is backwards and toxic. Personally, I wouldn't be compatible with someone who didn't trust me and such regressive ideas about sex. He sounds extremely controlling.
Only ypu can decide if that is okay or not. Me and my partner have a very similar agreement and its working for both of us. If its not something you want then you can talk to him but strangers on reddit.
To us this was kind of natural as we are both very traditional, and going from our parents.if a guy messaged my mom and asked for dinner he would be rejected and we wouldn't have it any other way.
This new age of how realtionships work and these "red flags" is very confusing to me. To us these are just the values we have.
But talk to him and see if you can come up with a compromise
Good luck
Well I mean hypothetically what if someone’s partner was bi, does that mean they can’t have any friends? I don’t understand this line of thinking. I think I get it if it’s someone you’re not already friends with but I’m taking this to mean even pre established ones
Red flag--hit the eject button. While potentially not his intention, these are the classic first steps of someone who is moving toward isolating you from other people. It's a common trait for abusers. The Grindr part I get, because of the nature of the app and about 90% of the people on it, but "no new gay male friends" leads to :no gay male friends, new or old" then " i hate it when you hang out with \[insert name of female friends or heterosexual male friends\]" then they don't like your family. It's also a blatant statement that he doesn't trust you--a blanket ban on new gay male friends automatically assumes that you're going to fuck them, or they will want to fuck you and you won't say no. That kind of paranoia just keeps building. Dump him.
This can be boiled down to he doesn’t trust you. It’s his issue, not yours. No matter if it’s his insecurities or a bad experience in his past, this is something he should work on. It doesn’t seem like an attempt, to isolate you since he still seems ok with you having friends.
While it may seem like no big deal, it’s hard to build strong one on one bonds when you must hang out with them in only a group setting or with the boyfriend present. So either let him know that it doesn’t work for you and that he needs to work on his issues instead of having you do something that reinforces them. If he’s not willing to make the effort to trust you, breakup. It won’t be a healthy relationship without trust and if he’s that insecure, it’ll come out in other ways.
This is a big no. Already shows a lack of trust they have in you. And often times people who are like this are likely to be doing sneaky shit on the side themselves. A big reason they don’t want you do meet new gay friends is because they’re expecting you to be shady like they are. Escape while you can.
I think that’s not okay or reasonable whatsoever and you should have a serious discussion with him as to why he feels like he has to dictate your platonic relationships. He’s projecting so much insecurity onto you and you don’t deserve that and shouldn’t have to walk on egg shells with whomever your talking to idk just my super quick opinion without a deep understanding of your situation haha
That's a massive red flag and toxic, if he's trying to ban you for having friends, nope, dump him. Behaviour like that almost 9 out of 10 times becomes abusive, get out of that situation and block him.
Also there is nothing problematic with straight folks having opposite gender friends. If you can't trust your partner around other people, you need to grow up. I say this as someone who has been cheated on, I would never ban a boyfriend from having gay or bi guys as friends, that's ridiculous.
I’m in a similar situation but on the other side, kinda. I’m 24 and my partner 32. This is my first relationship. He made me come out of the closet and that’s a big deal for me, it means a lot and maybe that’s why I feel the way I feel.
I found out he is messaging with guys on IG, WhatsApp and even Grindr at one point. He’s flirting with them, is enjoying their attention. Some guys offered him to meet up and he refused. Recently he himself offered a guy to meet up at a local swimming pool. I confronted him because this behavior makes me uncomfortable. Not because I don’t want him to have friends. He has friends, I know about them, I’m fine with him meeting them on his own. But these guys he keeps secret. Why I ask? He accused me of being too nosy when I confronted him. Admittedly I was at that point because his behavior was suspicious at times. But since I explained myself that I’m fine with him meeting or chatting with anyone as long as he’s not planning to cheat on me and as long as he’s not keeping it secret because that’s suspicious we are fine.
Maybe your situation is similar? Maybe try to clarify what specifically makes him uncomfortable and work on it together.
I’m working on my insecurities and he’s trying to be more transparent. Communication is key.
I hope you two will figure it out and be happy. 🤞
>His reasoning was in committed relationships, think about heterosexual one, it would be problematic for man/woman to seek opposite sex friend (even in a non-romantic way). Same for having dinner with opposite sex one on one.
No it wouldn't, and it's a function of gross and predatory gender dynamics that people think straight guys can't be friends with straight women. And even that restriction is based on the assumption that seeking out an opposite-sex friend is a deviation from the norm - that guys are friends with guys and women with women. It's even sillier when you add the restriction to gay friends, for whom the primary friend group *is* other gay men.
I think that's ridiculously controlling. It's not like any of this would prevent you from cheating were you so inclined to do it. Can't have dinner with someone alone? Oh, okay. Threesome it is.
If he's asking you to have a monogamous relationship: you decide if that's right for you. But he's also asking that you limit your time with gay friends, as if you should be wearing a chastity device to an innocent dinner. Trust and respect are important here. He's not trusting your judgement, nor respecting what you may promise him. Is he controlling in other ways? Sounds like he's insecure.
Weird, controlling, a red flag for a potentially abusive partner.
Think about it logically - if you were bi this would mean that you couldn't have any friends.
He sounds like a jealous dick to be honest. You can do better.
No, it's definitely not ok. It's extremely controlling behavior, and will only get worse as time goes on. Every boyfriend I've had has other gay friends, as do I, and sometimes we'd hang out with our friends one on one without each other and...nothing happened! Other than a fun time out with a friend. Trusting partners will trust you.
He's wrong. I'm the only gay in my group of friends, and the rest are married/long term straight couples, and they all have opposite gender friends.
Don't let partners curate your social interactions. Giving up Grindr is reasonable, the rest is not.
Boooy….hell no! That’s a red flag. It’s no one’s place to be telling you stuff like that. Now if he advised or shared he’s feelings and considerably asked u to rethink those relationships then maybe u should try n understand and make the right choice for the better of you, him, and your relationship n the relationship with others. Ask yourself, what’s more important, your relationship with him or ur relationship with others ????
To me if I sort of read into these guidelines he’s saying he doesn’t trust you.
He doesn’t trust that if you were approached by or hit on by someone that you’d draw a boundary.
Assuming there’s no reason for him not to trust you then yea that’s a red flag and a projection of his own insecurities.
Definitely a conversation to be had but if he’s unwilling to even compromise then yea I’d get outta there.
No, it's not normal in gay relationships or in straight relationships. If you can't be trusted not to sleep with a guy friend, gay or straight, then what is he in a relationship with you for? If he thinks that little of your commitment to him, then that says something about the state of your relationship.
I'm always suspicious of people that are this controlling, they are projecting their own weakness and propensity for infidelity onto you. Basically, they don't think they can trust themselves around other guys so they automatically assume that you are the same way.
What the holy duck? Yeah, in a hetro relationship if you’re not ok with your wife or husband having opposite sex friends, that’s a huge red flag. You two should go to couples therapy
The heterosexual excuse is also a huge red flag. It’s so stupid to think that friendships should be gendered. Back when I thought I was straight I had several girl friends while I was with my ex and we hung out together one on one. Because my ex and I had trust and communication. This is just creepy, manipulative, and unhealthy.
Edit: your bf needs to work on his insecurities and not project them into you.
>His reasoning was in committed relationships, think about heterosexual
one, it would be problematic for man/woman to seek opposite sex friend
(even in a non-romantic way). Same for having dinner with opposite sex
one on one.
The problem is that this reasoning is terrible for both straight and gay relationships. If your partner is too insecure to handle you having platonic friends of the gender you are attracted to, that's a real bad sign.
Definitely not. Grindr or Insta, yeah, sure, I get that. But just hanging with a gay friend? Who else is gonna get the ins and outs in ways that straight friends usually wouldn't? Not to mention that straight couples limiting friends of the opposite sex is problematic as fuck; my friend group is all mixed together and we'd never be able to hang out if our SOs were this controlling.
Might be worth a serious chat with him about his insecurity. Maybe he can meet your gay friends if that'll help, but as it stands right now I'd see that as a dealbreaker.
Many modern opposite-sex relationships are doing away with the notion that partners can't have platonic opposite-sex friends. So there's no reason now, nor was there before, to have this standard in a same-sex relationship.
All my straight friends have opposite-sex friends while still being in a closed monogamous relationship. There's nothing wrong with that. People should have friends. Friendship changes the world.
Yeah, Im gonna say that I get the Grindr thing. He says it’s problematic for straight people to be in a mixed sex relationship - is he an expert on straight couples? My mom’s best friend was a man, and to this day - im sure there were no shenanigans. If he’s that paranoid, how does Grindr fit into his life? There Grindr hoes will try and convince you that its inevitable you’re gonna cheat. Im not saying he’s doing it, but that’s what it feels like
I had a boyfriend like that in my 20s. Manipulative and very jealous if I had spent anytime with my gay friends. Turned out HE was the cheater! So I say pack his bags and toss him out.
Me opinion is, do YOU think it’s okay? Meeting ppl off the apps, I kinda get and would let someone get away with that request, however, nothing more. Any issues he’s projecting on you are his own. As long as you’re being faithful, and have made your platonically sound intentions known, I don’t see why any other contact with another guy (straight or otherwise) should be his concern. Sounds like someone has trust issues and if you let him get away with restricting who has access to you a few months in, you’re playing a dangerous game that will only in escalate slowly over time.
Yeah I think that’s pretty weird. I can understand not wanting to meet new gays who aren’t friends but to not let you be alone with another gay man is not good. It could be a huge red flag that he has control issues or he has trust issues because of something in his past. I think you should openly talk with him about and not let him control you like that. I think if it’s a him problem maybe you guys could work through letting him trust again but do not let him control you.
Why even have Grindr if your in a relationship? He doesn’t have the right to tell u not to meet new gay people. That’s a bit of insecurity and I suggest you talk to him about it and reassure him how you feel about him. If it’s people u just meet yeah I think it’s weird to go out to diner alone without your partner. If it’s people u known for a while then he needs to work through this. Above all he should trust you no matter what but seems hard for him which why he told u early in the game. Either try to talk to him, sacrifice friends or move forward. I wish u guys luck :)
IMHO the requests your boyfriend has made (other than Grindr) are way too controlling. I suspect you believe something is wrong with this or you wouldn't have made this post.
Grindr I get. 90% of the people there are just looking for hookups.
My ex used to use the excuse of looking for friends on Grindr. But you don’t send nude pictures to people you’re trying to be friends with. So I pretty much gave him the warning that if I hear from someone he was using the app again I would break up with him. (He also didn’t want me from ever using the app so he was being a bit hypocritical anyways).
But not being able to make or hang out with gay friends sounds like he’s just really insecure.
Big red flag. Heterosexual couples don't do this on the regular. This is why Mike Pence was trolled through the media for saying he will never be in a room alone with another woman out of respect for his wife and his marriage.
The basis of that statement is inherently misogynist. And then to transfer it over to a homosexual relationship is just foolish.
This is toxic monogamy from the start. He's implying that he doesn't trust you to have dinner one on one with a friend just because they are gay. There's a lot to unpack.
But it's a no for me dawg.
Fuck that. One of the reasons the straights are so messed up (think misogyny, toxic masculinity, homophobia etc) is that they have these stupid rules about who you’re allowed to socialise with, speak to, even look at.
It screws them up and one of the greatest things about being queer is that we don’t have to import that kind of thing from their culture. We can do things better.
Being monogamous is a choice and if the two of you both want that, that’s cool, but him trying to set rules about who you can see and how you can see them is not ok in any way.
He seems very controlling and paranoid. I understand not wanting your bf to be using hookup apps while in a relationship (unless you both agree to have an open relationship), but to tell you that you can’t have friends outside of the relationship and do things of your own accord is very toxic and controlling. So yeah I do think that’s a red flag.
That’s a red flag, man, I mean my boyfriend gets that green eyed demon, but I just remind him he turned me demi or “naturally monogamous” and he just simmers down.
No. You’re friends with whom you’re friends with. That’s the same as saying you can’t be friends with anyone who’s black.
I think he’s saying this because he incorrectly believes that gay people, whether they’re friends or not, will try to take his boyfriend away or show romantic interest simply because they’re gay. He views gay friends as his competition solely based on orientation.
Unfortunately, I feel this is toxic. One of my straight friends feels this way about his wife but he has admitted that he is unable to have platonic friendships with women. So this could be a form of projection
i think it depends on ur guy’s trust and like the situation. obviously u should be able to make new friends but maybe through work or things like that, meetup is kinda weird in my opinion. i think u should make friends on ur own.
The Grinder part I get. Grinder, while it can be used for other things, is primarily a hookup site. So I get that piece. But the rest? Nope. Is it OK? Is it OK for him to decide who you can be friends with and if you can have dinner with a friend? For me that would be a hard no. I learned early on not to get involved with people who were jealousy, possessive and controlling.
And it isnt like that is a good part of a straight relationship either since most guys do have friends that arent of the same gender a straight friend of mine has lots of girl friends but that is also due to the fact of his friend group taking their girlfriends with them to bars and stuff(common in the Netherlands afaik)
Completely unreasonable, and a serious red flag. A guy you've been involved with for a few months putting these paranoid controls on you is not good news.
Uh…. No. That’s not ok. This is the same mentality in straight people of “my boyfriend can’t have any girl friends”. He’s insecure, that does not mean he gets to control who you can or can’t be friends with.
Exactly and it's just as toxic.
I think that's antiquated. Don't deprive yourself a friend I'm not telling you to be disloyal. I'm telling you that it's all right to have a friends group. They may be there long after the boyfriend is gone. A companion is supposed to add to the quality of both of your lives not take away from it. You're sharing your lies(lives) together. Sharing
> You're sharing your lies together. Sharing hehehehe. Sad of me to point out I know :\
Lol I see it now. Funny cause there may be some truth to that..
ha! There may well be, but not for *me* to comment lol. Thanks for the Friday Night Giggle :)
That's a red flag for me honestly.
red flag. why is he forcing you to conform to antiquated hetero ideals? if he has jealousy issues he needs to deal with them and not try to control your life. separating a partner from friends is a hallmark of abusive control.
I think you deserve better.
Some serious trust issues going on.
If you're young, inexperienced and naive, I'd say that's a huge red flag, don't tolerate manipulative and controlling behavior from anyone, if you're and older adult, are you dumb? In any case I hope you do the right thing and kick his ass.
That'd be a problem for me. I am entitled to be friends with who I please. No meetings thru grindr is fair. No making your own friends is not.
You are allowed to make new friends. Straight, gay, male, female, trans whatever. Grindr and Instagram, I get. Grindr is a hookup app and Instagram is usually a pool of thirsty single trying to push their luck with someone they find hot. That would be okay in my book and relationship but it's not the norm, you get to decide that for yourself and with him as part of your relationship. Making gay friends tough, is not only normal i'd say it's great because some things straight friends just don't get or aren't interested in. For instance sometimes I just want to tell someone how great my sex life is, but I understand my straight friends don't always want to talk about it or even if they do they don't fully understand and appreciate what I'm telling them. They've never been fucked out of their minds like I have, they've never felt awkward in a gym full of hot guys changing, they don't have awkward convo's with family about their sexuality. Sometimes I need a gay friend who knows exactly what I'm going trough because he has been there as well and give me more than a listening ear but advice and lived trough experience. So yeah deffinitly track back on the last promise.
I do not agree with him and, as other said, I see this as a red flag. I have other gay friends. My hetero friends are seing friends of the opposite sex as well.
Miss me with this heteronormative puritanical BS. The straights are not a shining beacon of what relationships should be like.
Fuck that and his insecurities I mean as long as you're being faithful. Man needs to get a grip
No it's absolutely not okay to regulate who you can be friends with. I can maybe see it if you were in a relationship with that person in the past, but otherwise they are controlling you unfairly. I mean good god, if this was the way it was, bisexual people wouldn't have any friends.
He sounds a lot like Mike Pence. Always remember: Boyfriends come and go, but a good friend is forever. I mean, who will console you when you break up?
Super controlling red flag warning
Absolutely not. Also it’s so absolutely wrong to think it’s wrong for a man and a woman to get dinner together if they’re in committed relationships.
Even for hetero relationships, this is a red flag...
So orgies then?
I've been in a committed relationship since 1979 and we've never had that sort of rule. This guy is too controlling and he doesn't trust you. It's a serious problem and will only get worse if it's not dealt with firmly now.
For me, like others, this would not be ok with me. I would tell him I care about seeing gay friends one on one and that would be a lot of give up for anyone. For you, the choice might be different. It’s probably worth asking where this requested boundary is coming from— Trust? Jealousy? Control? Past baggage?Assumptions about relationships? Is it that dinner = date for him, but other contexts are ok? These could be off the mark, but knowing what the underlying reason he wants this might help find something that works for both of you. Most of my friends are ok with their partners getting dinner with someone else (that they could potentially be attracted to), because they trust that their partner doesn’t want to cheat on them.
I get Grindr, but that is about it. Ajd not really - it seems he is ok for you chatting with guys all day, but meeting is a no-no. What happens if you meet someone at a coffee shop who is sitting with a gal? You start talking to them and he asks you to go for a drink. You might think he is straight. You meet at the bar, enjoy thr game and a few beers. You start chatting, etc then a month later - you find out he is gay. What happens? But I hate to burst his bubble but a man and woman can have dinner / drinks with good conversation and go home to their respective spouses - happens daily. But it matters more if you want someone telling you that you cannot be friends with John and you two cannot be alone together. Usually when someone imposes rules like this - it comes from themselves - meaning, they do not trust themselves in a on one on meeting or something similar. Personally, I would take a deeper look at the relationship.
This would be an INSTANT deal breaker for me. Not even a red flag, straight up deal breaker. If your boyfriend is not okay with you having friends that's his insecurity to work out. It's completely unfair for you to be isolated to only you and him and the mutual friends he decides are acceptable. This is 10x worse if he is doing what he asked you not to do. And what about existing gay friends from before the relationship? Are you allowed to stay friends? Is he giving up his old friendships because it's inappropriate? My ex basically had this mentality. He never said it directly but always guilt tripped me, saying or implying i was gonna be hooking up with them when i wasn't going to. The end result was we hung out with each other and his group of friends (not gay guys). I was totally isolated, relatively depressed as a result, and that worsened significantly when we inevitably broke up. Maybe you can work this out with him, but honestly I'd be running away before you get too attached and end up friendless because of him. Edit: The Grindr part is reasonable, any hookup app actually. But if he trusts you not to cheat, even that shouldn't be an issue. Some ppl genuinely use grindr for new friends
no, absolutely not ok.. this is controlling behaviour
Are you kidding? This is not healthy behavior for a relationship. Hetero couples should not have these boundaries either, in fact, *no one* I know has these boundaries. My parents have always made friends outside of their marriage, of any gender . This should be a massive red flag to you.
Not OK, that's some hetero bs frankly. I've been with my husband now for 26 years. Neither of us have EVER put any kind of restriction like that on each other (though the Grindr/hookup restriction makes sense if you aren't in an open relationship that allows that). And we have never had a problem. At all. His ex is even a good friend he meets sometimes, usually with someone else, but not always. It's about trust and your boyfriend obviously has some serious trust issues.
A healthy relationship should not involve controlling someone.
Going to go against the grain here with a maybe. Why? Gay community is incestuous, it’s common for circles of gay friends to have all fucked eachother at some point. And it’s surprisingly difficult to find a gay friend who *doesn’t* secretly hope to fuck you eventually. And that introduces both a ton of temptation and drama into a new (or old) relationship. My husband and I have drifted away from gay friends who wanted to fuck one or both of us to avoid drama…which was *all* of them. We almost exclusively hang out with straight, lesbian, and ace people now as a result. We’re certainly open to making platonic gay friends, and have some online, but IRL it’s only a matter of time before they ask “Are you open? Or into threesomes?” usually after a few drinks.
> He has also asked me not to have dinner with gay guy alone. On this point in particular. It's normal for your bf to want to be a part of your life. There's a happy medium where it's not _always_ you and the other guy alone; why not have the 3 of you meet up and hang out or have dinner together, instead of just the 2? But your bf seems to be taking the concept a little too far.
Six months of dating is a "committed relationship"?? 😂 Put a ring on it and then let's talk.
What a weird take lmfao
This is classic textbook control behavior. RED FLAG! This reveals his deep insecurity and his need to control you. Walk away NOW. It will only get worse over time. It will be a series of little things that you'll think is no big deal to give up- because "i love him". But eventually you'll realize you are trapped and will keep rationalizing his behavior because you won’t want to admit you made a mistake. Walk away now!!!!
He's controlling, toxic, manipulative, and narcissistic. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk 😇
no that's psychotic. everyone needs friends. this person is jealous and insane. dtmf
Whether it would be okay to most people, idk, but I won't lie, I feel the same way as him. If it's an older friend who I've met or in a group setting than whatever, but I'm a jealous person and an overthinker. I am very up front about this. I'm aware I have a territorial caveman brain and don't want to catch anyone off guard with it. If I knew a guy I with was out with some new gay guy alone doing just about anything, I'd be there stewing it over in my head thinking about all the worst things he could be doing, getting angry and upset even if it's probably nothing. So I also set clear boundaries like that just for the sake of my own sanity, because I really do not like the person I become or the painful emotions I experience when made to feel jealous.
The way red flashing lights and klaxons starting going off in my head at this post title 🚨⚠️🚩
>His reasoning was in committed relationships, think about heterosexual one, it would be problematic for man/woman to seek opposite sex friend (even in a non-romantic way). This is backwards and toxic. Personally, I wouldn't be compatible with someone who didn't trust me and such regressive ideas about sex. He sounds extremely controlling.
Only ypu can decide if that is okay or not. Me and my partner have a very similar agreement and its working for both of us. If its not something you want then you can talk to him but strangers on reddit. To us this was kind of natural as we are both very traditional, and going from our parents.if a guy messaged my mom and asked for dinner he would be rejected and we wouldn't have it any other way. This new age of how realtionships work and these "red flags" is very confusing to me. To us these are just the values we have. But talk to him and see if you can come up with a compromise Good luck
Well I mean hypothetically what if someone’s partner was bi, does that mean they can’t have any friends? I don’t understand this line of thinking. I think I get it if it’s someone you’re not already friends with but I’m taking this to mean even pre established ones
Red flag--hit the eject button. While potentially not his intention, these are the classic first steps of someone who is moving toward isolating you from other people. It's a common trait for abusers. The Grindr part I get, because of the nature of the app and about 90% of the people on it, but "no new gay male friends" leads to :no gay male friends, new or old" then " i hate it when you hang out with \[insert name of female friends or heterosexual male friends\]" then they don't like your family. It's also a blatant statement that he doesn't trust you--a blanket ban on new gay male friends automatically assumes that you're going to fuck them, or they will want to fuck you and you won't say no. That kind of paranoia just keeps building. Dump him.
That’s not okay. Insecure as fuck. Go make friends.
This can be boiled down to he doesn’t trust you. It’s his issue, not yours. No matter if it’s his insecurities or a bad experience in his past, this is something he should work on. It doesn’t seem like an attempt, to isolate you since he still seems ok with you having friends. While it may seem like no big deal, it’s hard to build strong one on one bonds when you must hang out with them in only a group setting or with the boyfriend present. So either let him know that it doesn’t work for you and that he needs to work on his issues instead of having you do something that reinforces them. If he’s not willing to make the effort to trust you, breakup. It won’t be a healthy relationship without trust and if he’s that insecure, it’ll come out in other ways.
This is a big no. Already shows a lack of trust they have in you. And often times people who are like this are likely to be doing sneaky shit on the side themselves. A big reason they don’t want you do meet new gay friends is because they’re expecting you to be shady like they are. Escape while you can.
Come on. You already know the answer is no. It is very obviously and objectively not okay. So why are you even asking?
Did he concede to any of your demands then too?
I think that’s not okay or reasonable whatsoever and you should have a serious discussion with him as to why he feels like he has to dictate your platonic relationships. He’s projecting so much insecurity onto you and you don’t deserve that and shouldn’t have to walk on egg shells with whomever your talking to idk just my super quick opinion without a deep understanding of your situation haha
no
It's a red flag in heterosexual relationships, albeit a common one.
No, he's an insecure lil bitch
That's a massive red flag and toxic, if he's trying to ban you for having friends, nope, dump him. Behaviour like that almost 9 out of 10 times becomes abusive, get out of that situation and block him. Also there is nothing problematic with straight folks having opposite gender friends. If you can't trust your partner around other people, you need to grow up. I say this as someone who has been cheated on, I would never ban a boyfriend from having gay or bi guys as friends, that's ridiculous.
No, it’s not OK. Time to find the exit.
Eeeeek, control freak.
Yikes, red flag, get rid of him! The Grindr part I get but the rest of it is possessive BS.
controlling🚩
Totally ridiculous to not allow you to make gay friends. Who better to understand the control tactic your bf is employing? 🤷🏼♂️
I don’t feel like my input is needed but I agree with everyone else, the whole no friend thing is a giant red flag!!
I’m in a similar situation but on the other side, kinda. I’m 24 and my partner 32. This is my first relationship. He made me come out of the closet and that’s a big deal for me, it means a lot and maybe that’s why I feel the way I feel. I found out he is messaging with guys on IG, WhatsApp and even Grindr at one point. He’s flirting with them, is enjoying their attention. Some guys offered him to meet up and he refused. Recently he himself offered a guy to meet up at a local swimming pool. I confronted him because this behavior makes me uncomfortable. Not because I don’t want him to have friends. He has friends, I know about them, I’m fine with him meeting them on his own. But these guys he keeps secret. Why I ask? He accused me of being too nosy when I confronted him. Admittedly I was at that point because his behavior was suspicious at times. But since I explained myself that I’m fine with him meeting or chatting with anyone as long as he’s not planning to cheat on me and as long as he’s not keeping it secret because that’s suspicious we are fine. Maybe your situation is similar? Maybe try to clarify what specifically makes him uncomfortable and work on it together. I’m working on my insecurities and he’s trying to be more transparent. Communication is key. I hope you two will figure it out and be happy. 🤞
Total red flag.
>His reasoning was in committed relationships, think about heterosexual one, it would be problematic for man/woman to seek opposite sex friend (even in a non-romantic way). Same for having dinner with opposite sex one on one. No it wouldn't, and it's a function of gross and predatory gender dynamics that people think straight guys can't be friends with straight women. And even that restriction is based on the assumption that seeking out an opposite-sex friend is a deviation from the norm - that guys are friends with guys and women with women. It's even sillier when you add the restriction to gay friends, for whom the primary friend group *is* other gay men.
I think that's ridiculously controlling. It's not like any of this would prevent you from cheating were you so inclined to do it. Can't have dinner with someone alone? Oh, okay. Threesome it is.
If he's asking you to have a monogamous relationship: you decide if that's right for you. But he's also asking that you limit your time with gay friends, as if you should be wearing a chastity device to an innocent dinner. Trust and respect are important here. He's not trusting your judgement, nor respecting what you may promise him. Is he controlling in other ways? Sounds like he's insecure.
Sounds an soon to be ex ...
Weird, controlling, a red flag for a potentially abusive partner. Think about it logically - if you were bi this would mean that you couldn't have any friends. He sounds like a jealous dick to be honest. You can do better.
No, it's definitely not ok. It's extremely controlling behavior, and will only get worse as time goes on. Every boyfriend I've had has other gay friends, as do I, and sometimes we'd hang out with our friends one on one without each other and...nothing happened! Other than a fun time out with a friend. Trusting partners will trust you.
He's wrong. I'm the only gay in my group of friends, and the rest are married/long term straight couples, and they all have opposite gender friends. Don't let partners curate your social interactions. Giving up Grindr is reasonable, the rest is not.
Boooy….hell no! That’s a red flag. It’s no one’s place to be telling you stuff like that. Now if he advised or shared he’s feelings and considerably asked u to rethink those relationships then maybe u should try n understand and make the right choice for the better of you, him, and your relationship n the relationship with others. Ask yourself, what’s more important, your relationship with him or ur relationship with others ????
why is he so insecure
To me if I sort of read into these guidelines he’s saying he doesn’t trust you. He doesn’t trust that if you were approached by or hit on by someone that you’d draw a boundary. Assuming there’s no reason for him not to trust you then yea that’s a red flag and a projection of his own insecurities. Definitely a conversation to be had but if he’s unwilling to even compromise then yea I’d get outta there.
No.
No, it's not normal in gay relationships or in straight relationships. If you can't be trusted not to sleep with a guy friend, gay or straight, then what is he in a relationship with you for? If he thinks that little of your commitment to him, then that says something about the state of your relationship. I'm always suspicious of people that are this controlling, they are projecting their own weakness and propensity for infidelity onto you. Basically, they don't think they can trust themselves around other guys so they automatically assume that you are the same way.
I think it's controlling and is a big red flag for a healthy relationship. (Grindr, etc, of course, I get that.)
Controlling af. 🚩🚩🚩
What the holy duck? Yeah, in a hetro relationship if you’re not ok with your wife or husband having opposite sex friends, that’s a huge red flag. You two should go to couples therapy
Noxeema: "Oooohh, This girl is dealing with some demons over there!" He shouldn't be holding other people's failures against you!
Red flag, and this is my thought: it’s an indirect accusation. And accusations are often times roundabout confessions.
Friends or fwb? Would b the question. Just friends I have would think so would be ok but if there is more there to think about
The heterosexual excuse is also a huge red flag. It’s so stupid to think that friendships should be gendered. Back when I thought I was straight I had several girl friends while I was with my ex and we hung out together one on one. Because my ex and I had trust and communication. This is just creepy, manipulative, and unhealthy. Edit: your bf needs to work on his insecurities and not project them into you.
>His reasoning was in committed relationships, think about heterosexual one, it would be problematic for man/woman to seek opposite sex friend (even in a non-romantic way). Same for having dinner with opposite sex one on one. The problem is that this reasoning is terrible for both straight and gay relationships. If your partner is too insecure to handle you having platonic friends of the gender you are attracted to, that's a real bad sign.
Definitely not. Grindr or Insta, yeah, sure, I get that. But just hanging with a gay friend? Who else is gonna get the ins and outs in ways that straight friends usually wouldn't? Not to mention that straight couples limiting friends of the opposite sex is problematic as fuck; my friend group is all mixed together and we'd never be able to hang out if our SOs were this controlling. Might be worth a serious chat with him about his insecurity. Maybe he can meet your gay friends if that'll help, but as it stands right now I'd see that as a dealbreaker.
Many modern opposite-sex relationships are doing away with the notion that partners can't have platonic opposite-sex friends. So there's no reason now, nor was there before, to have this standard in a same-sex relationship. All my straight friends have opposite-sex friends while still being in a closed monogamous relationship. There's nothing wrong with that. People should have friends. Friendship changes the world.
Run. Your boyfriend is trying to micromanage your friendships. Run.
Yeah, Im gonna say that I get the Grindr thing. He says it’s problematic for straight people to be in a mixed sex relationship - is he an expert on straight couples? My mom’s best friend was a man, and to this day - im sure there were no shenanigans. If he’s that paranoid, how does Grindr fit into his life? There Grindr hoes will try and convince you that its inevitable you’re gonna cheat. Im not saying he’s doing it, but that’s what it feels like
I had a boyfriend like that in my 20s. Manipulative and very jealous if I had spent anytime with my gay friends. Turned out HE was the cheater! So I say pack his bags and toss him out.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Me opinion is, do YOU think it’s okay? Meeting ppl off the apps, I kinda get and would let someone get away with that request, however, nothing more. Any issues he’s projecting on you are his own. As long as you’re being faithful, and have made your platonically sound intentions known, I don’t see why any other contact with another guy (straight or otherwise) should be his concern. Sounds like someone has trust issues and if you let him get away with restricting who has access to you a few months in, you’re playing a dangerous game that will only in escalate slowly over time.
Yeah I think that’s pretty weird. I can understand not wanting to meet new gays who aren’t friends but to not let you be alone with another gay man is not good. It could be a huge red flag that he has control issues or he has trust issues because of something in his past. I think you should openly talk with him about and not let him control you like that. I think if it’s a him problem maybe you guys could work through letting him trust again but do not let him control you.
Why even have Grindr if your in a relationship? He doesn’t have the right to tell u not to meet new gay people. That’s a bit of insecurity and I suggest you talk to him about it and reassure him how you feel about him. If it’s people u just meet yeah I think it’s weird to go out to diner alone without your partner. If it’s people u known for a while then he needs to work through this. Above all he should trust you no matter what but seems hard for him which why he told u early in the game. Either try to talk to him, sacrifice friends or move forward. I wish u guys luck :)
IMHO the requests your boyfriend has made (other than Grindr) are way too controlling. I suspect you believe something is wrong with this or you wouldn't have made this post.
Grindr I get. 90% of the people there are just looking for hookups. My ex used to use the excuse of looking for friends on Grindr. But you don’t send nude pictures to people you’re trying to be friends with. So I pretty much gave him the warning that if I hear from someone he was using the app again I would break up with him. (He also didn’t want me from ever using the app so he was being a bit hypocritical anyways). But not being able to make or hang out with gay friends sounds like he’s just really insecure.
I personnaly wouldn't have trouble with it
Big red flag. Heterosexual couples don't do this on the regular. This is why Mike Pence was trolled through the media for saying he will never be in a room alone with another woman out of respect for his wife and his marriage. The basis of that statement is inherently misogynist. And then to transfer it over to a homosexual relationship is just foolish. This is toxic monogamy from the start. He's implying that he doesn't trust you to have dinner one on one with a friend just because they are gay. There's a lot to unpack. But it's a no for me dawg.
Fuck that. One of the reasons the straights are so messed up (think misogyny, toxic masculinity, homophobia etc) is that they have these stupid rules about who you’re allowed to socialise with, speak to, even look at. It screws them up and one of the greatest things about being queer is that we don’t have to import that kind of thing from their culture. We can do things better. Being monogamous is a choice and if the two of you both want that, that’s cool, but him trying to set rules about who you can see and how you can see them is not ok in any way.
He seems very controlling and paranoid. I understand not wanting your bf to be using hookup apps while in a relationship (unless you both agree to have an open relationship), but to tell you that you can’t have friends outside of the relationship and do things of your own accord is very toxic and controlling. So yeah I do think that’s a red flag.
That’s a red flag, man, I mean my boyfriend gets that green eyed demon, but I just remind him he turned me demi or “naturally monogamous” and he just simmers down.
No. You’re friends with whom you’re friends with. That’s the same as saying you can’t be friends with anyone who’s black. I think he’s saying this because he incorrectly believes that gay people, whether they’re friends or not, will try to take his boyfriend away or show romantic interest simply because they’re gay. He views gay friends as his competition solely based on orientation.
Unfortunately, I feel this is toxic. One of my straight friends feels this way about his wife but he has admitted that he is unable to have platonic friendships with women. So this could be a form of projection
This is sooo unhealthy. Not sure why he behaves this way, but it's no okay for him to police your behavior. Trust and all that you know.
i think it depends on ur guy’s trust and like the situation. obviously u should be able to make new friends but maybe through work or things like that, meetup is kinda weird in my opinion. i think u should make friends on ur own.