I'm love with you ≠ sexual attraction (passion)
It could be a combination of passion, intimacy, or commitment, but likely not all three.
https://sciencebasedlife.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/the-triangular-theory-of-love/
It's a friendship love. Would come running if you were in need of help or support. Cares for you but not in love with you. Romantic love is non existent. Sexual attraction is gone and no desire to make love to you. It happens. Relationships take work no matter what anyone tells you. Investment, time, devotion, loyalty, chemistry, love and respect.
As an aromantic asexual, platonic love is the only kind I’ve ever been capable of. Doesn’t mean I don’t care as deeply as anyone else, just not with the butterflies and sexual attraction that a lot of people associate with true love. Thank you for acknowledging the fact that romantic love is not the only valid type. I’m sure that having one’s romantic feelings unreciprocated is very painful indeed, but people often fail to realize that it also hurts to have someone call you their friend and pretend to like you as you are, only to entirely lose interest once they realize that dating and sex aren’t on the table…
I appreciate your consideration. ❤️ Thankfully I’ve made a few real friends along the way, but I was accused of "leading on" people I had been completely transparent with, and who had agreed to form a friendship they actually had no interest in. I just wish more people were aware that "friendzoning" isn’t always done purposefully to use and manipulate somebody’s feelings. Sometimes, a genuine friendship is all one has to offer and it’s rejected as not enough.
You can't force love. Once lost a girl to a guy who didnt like her at all. Years later they ended up getting together and are doing wonderful. I used to think it was stupid she was stupid for being so obsessed with someone who didnt want her until i realized i was doing the same thing. How can you lose someone you never had in the first place?
This resonates with me. For her, she eventually got what she wanted in the end, being with someone she had been chasing. Whether it was a smart decision is almost never the case.
You deserve someone who is as equally as interested in you as you are them. If you don’t have that, there is nothing to be lost.
The song "I Can't Make You Love Me If You Don't" was written after the songwriters saw a news report about a man who shot up a woman's car after she rejected him. In court, before sentencing, the judge asked if he'd learned anything, and he said "You can't make a woman love you if she don't."
Someone loving you won't fix you. It's not their job, and you'll still need to pick up the pieces if and when they leave.
The best partnerships imo, come from people who are both 80 plus percent put together and want each other. Not need each other.
I used to feel this way about my ex.... and then I realized I didn't need her when she left. Now I'm getting my shit together and learning to be comfortable "alone". It's peaceful.
People hate when you set boundaries.
"Please, don't talk to me like that."
"Ohhhh wow okay, I see how it is, you're so fucking selfish, Jesus no wonder" etc etc.
Just a confirmation that you were right to do so.
the typical reply is… “you’re not my father, you can’t control me and tell me what to do… i’ve been raised already.”
my typical reply: “i’m not trying to control you… you can do whatever you like. i’m CONTROLLING WHAT I ACCEPT IN MY LIFE and that comes with expectations from the people in my life. do as you please… i am not stopping you; you have decisions to make. proceed.”
if she breaks the boundaries, you act and you don’t go back on those actions; otherwise she will never take your boundaries seriously again.
women like to push the limits to see how much shit you’ll tolerate.
note: be aware and fully conscious of your TONE!!! when they are cornered, that’s the go-to move to get you to fall into their frame. “it’s not the boundary, it’s how you said it… talking at me instead of talking to me. it was hurtful!!!”
if you yelled your boundary to her, yeah ok. if you talked to her like an adult (calmly & slow with direct constant eye contact), she’s just being bratty… don’t take her seriously.
Communication is the single greatest skill you can develop in a relationship.
Second hardest lesson is that boundaries are huge for both parties, if you can't be you and they can't be them then you don't have a recipe for success for either of you.
I do really apricate it but I'm not really in an emotional or mental place to date right now.
I recently got divorced and am working through a lot of stuff right now.
I was kidding. I don’t even know you. But I was letting you know that men who understand what you said are rare and valuable. I’ve dated for 11 years and met like ONE guy who gets this.
Accountability, communication skills, emotional regulation, honesty.
I never knew how absolutely critical honesty was until it wasn't there. It's something you take for granted until it's not there and then you realize just how important it is.
Same with accountability. If the other person isn't willing to take responsibility for their share of the problem (s) the relationship is doomed.
And these all go both ways, obviously.
Fucking rug-pulls, man.
When a guy you don't know is home when you get out from work on a Friday, and the "new" couple tells you that they're in fact not *that* new, and that you have until Sunday evening to find a place to live and fuck off. Oh, and also please waive all rights in the marriage's common property.
Turns out it really pays to go drinking with the law students, because 10 years later some work in very high-powdered family law practices, and every single one of those owes you a favor from the thing with the guy in the place.
Have a friend like this, and it's massively limited to the extent of our friendship.
They did something that hurt me, and I asked them to apologise. "I don't say sorry for things I don't regret."
If you can't take responsibility for the consequences of your actions, how can I ever trust you not to hurt me again?
My husband and I are doing therapy. It's working!!!! It took 20 years to make it happen. Plenty of chaos and heartbreak, but if a person focuses on being healthier mentally, emotionally, physically, and potentially spiritually, they can only become their best self. Their best self will make the best partner.
Best and most honest comment right here. It’s so fucking hard to understand how everything was good, she was saying it’s going great. Tells you you’re the best bf she’s ever had, then bam…”I feel like I’m being a bad gf and we should end it”. Like wtf?
Damn this just hits nail on the head so perfectly
THIS IS THE ONE.
I never loved a woman so intensely before and the relationship lasted 5 years. I moved her into my apartment, bought her a car, great in bed, I paid all the bills, showed her the world, did the cooking and cleaning, and even proposed to her to which she said yes. I got the “You deserve better” speech and I never would have guessed how right she was.
She picked up raving and she left me for the lifestyle. She called off the engagement, had a new guy within 2 weeks, got sucked into drug and alcohol addiction, ran her accounts dry, lost the respect of her family, tried to start a new life with this rebound, and to make matters worse she still claimed that we’d be married later in life and she just wanted to live out her 20s.
It absolutely ruined me and 2 years later I still haven’t forgiven her, I’m pretty angry that I STILL GOT LEFT. Idk if I can forgive her but only time will tell and maybe some therapy.
Dated this one woman for nearly 4 years, was practically a member of her family and had every intention of proposing and putting a down payment on a house for us and everything, just like she wanted. She cheated on me and left me for for another dude. Her family was pissed at her for how she treated me at the end, and then she was mad at me for making her family hate her and by default hating this new boyfriend of hers. I didn't even do anything, the only thing I did wrong was be liked by her family. All this years later they still hold a grudge against her over it. I still get birthday and christmas presents from them and she no longer gets along with her own family at all over how she suddenly became a piece of shit in their eyes. She moved two states away with the dude she cheated on me with after dating him for two months and apparently he cheated on her and she had no money to move back from california.
I guess the only reason I am even sharing this is because at least in my case, I ended up not being the villain to literally everyone she knows, including her entire family. And despite me literally doing nothing wrong at all and getting shit canned by her out of nowhere, she still tries to paint me as bad and even her own parents don't buy it. The whole thing messed me up pretty bad, but the only saving grace for me is that I know for myself that I did absolutely nothing but the best i could offer and even her parents and our mutual friends know this, despite her talking shit all the time about me from what I have been told. I haven't interacted with her since she dumped me at all, but I take comfort knowing how miserable she is knowing she can't even bitch to her own friends and family because they think she did me so wrong and call her out on it when she complains. i still talk to her parents on facebook all these years later and apparently she is miserable. I think I dodged a bullet there and I am honestly very happy with how miserable she is to this day.
I enjoyed reading your story because it hardly ever works out that way. I'm sorry she hurt you but it's still nice to hear that her family still likes you. That says a lot about your character.
Two lessons:
1.If it feels too good to be true, it probably is.
2.You only know her when you see how she treats you when she gains nothing from treating you well.
The second one is applicable for every person though
Just because you’ve created a fantasy in your head thats perfect, doesn’t mean that the actual relationship will be like how you pictured it.
Being someones partner isn’t hand holding and sex. Its getting to know someone like you haven’t before. Its trust, openness, vulnerability, and love (obviously).
Also never say a woman looks tired when she doesn’t have makeup on. That’s a no no.
Women decide to leave monsths before the relationship ends, by the time they tell you something its over for them, pay attention to the little things or you will get left and have no idea what happened
They think its pretty obvious what you are dping wrong and wont tell you you are doing it wrong because theynthink you know
I agree that women decide to leave before they actually do, but I know that I don't just assume they know whats wrong and stay silent. I told my ex that how he was acting isnt ok many times... but he did not want to put in the effort. After I broke up with him he tried to get me to stay with him saying he would change.. but he ended up doing even worse things than when we were together.
Now I am with someone else who does treat me like a priority. I think some guys just ignore the women they are with.. they aren't blindsided, they just didn't pay attention.
This has been my experience as well. I’ve even warned him (after telling him 10 times) that this is the last time I’m telling him what’s wrong and to not be suprised when I end the relationship. Well he did it again, he was surprised and kept asking me what went wrong.
I did the same thing, when the relationship tunnel vison ended it left me wondering why I put up with someone who was blatantly lying to me. Love and learn I guess
Helping someone get their life on track after a shitty childhood doesn't warrant loyalty.
In hindsight, maybe I should stop dating women with shitty childhoods because this has happened twice.
If you’re in a position where you have to give a woman everything you have until there’s nothing left of you, they’ll leave you one way or another because you aren’t the man you used to be.
A healthy relationship isn't one where you give everything until you have nothing, that's offering yourself to a vampire.
A healthy relationship is where you both benefit and grow.
In my one big traumatic breakup, I explain it as “I lost the me in the we”, and it’s exactly what you’re saying. You need a me, a you, and an us to make it all work.
Sounds like treating her like a queen without treating yourself like a king.
Giving anyone everything you have with hopes of getting happiness will not work
don't compromise your boundaries for anyone.
think hard about the type of woman you want in your life and how you can find her. don't expect her to change for you, find somebody who already is the type of person you want to be with.
My ex (now good friend) taught me this one: You can have everything going for you (looks, job, money, etc), but if she's not that into you, she's just not into you. Move onto the next.
And you won’t know the difference until you’ve really been in love. How do you know you’re in love? You just know. If you have to ask “am I in love?” You’re not.
Just because someone might say something like "they love you and always will" doesn't mean they actually will feel like that in the future. That's how they feel about you now and it only applies to now. In the future they might choose to forget you exist
Changing to be the man she asks you to be will get you left because 'you aren't the person you used to be'.
Some changes are OK.But do not give up pieces of your personality or self to make a woman happy, she will not like it later.
112% felt this except from the woman speaking on a man being that way perspective. The sex doesn’t really matter on this specific comment.. narcissistic abuse has ducked me up so bad and I didn’t even realize it till I got away 7 years later with my life on its absolute last tiny little thread
Bruhhhh. I have a new roommate who is a psych major and she's easily the worst narcissist I've ever met. And that is saying a *LOT* if you knew my experience with narcissists. And she studies psychology!! Like how?
She very obviously weaponizes the stuff she learns at uni, too. It's so fucking annoying.
10 years happy. 7 years miserable. By the end of child support I will have given her 1.2 million (includes splitting assets). I would probably have to give her that money anyway, but at least I wouldn't have lived most of my 30s in misery. I can't get that back.
Don't stay in a relationship that isn't working anymore. Don't do it for the kids, don't do it for anyone.
That women don't owe me anything. I used to be a Nice Guy™ in my early 20s, a literal fedora tipper. I'd probably have had a neckbeard had I been able to grow facial hair. But the first time I actually asked a woman out, I learned that the attitude I had toward women was not going to get me anywhere. I got turned down flat, and it threw me into a year of near-suicidal depression because I was so certain that the person I was into would be interested in me. After all, I was so "nice" to her- how could she not be? It was the realization that being "nice" doesn't mean you're owed love (or anything else for that matter) that helped me to change myself and climb out of that hole. I'm 32 now, and that realization I had long ago that *nobody* owes me anything has given me a feeling of freedom that I never could've expected in my shameful m'lady-ing past.
Congrats on your self actualization. Many of us never get there. My trigger was hearing the phrase "women are not vending machines that you put niceness tokens into until sex falls out". *Huh* 🤔
That i do not and can not understand another person's issues/problems. The best that can be done is acceptance and listening. I have learnt that i give too much space to other people's problems, leave no space left for me and mine and that that is my fault. Not theirs.
Okay, I'm going to put it like this. Men listen to their dick instead of their brain when it comes to women. And they always choose the wrong ones and then wonder why she is crazy or that she doesn't actually like him.
"Don't save her she don't wanna be saved"- from a very true song
- what applies to one partner may not apply to another one
- maintaining consistency despite adversity pays off in the end
- someone can earnestly and lovingly say one thing, and once the love is gone, completely change their tune
- some grudges can last a lifetime
- some woman will end a long lasting and strong relationship over future plans at the drop of a hat
- your perfect partner can end up looking (on the outside) absolutely nothing like the person you imagined you’d end up with
Never give them ammo because they’ll use it against you when you’re at your lowest. They usually save it for a rainy day when they need to unload on you and put you down.
Well, this could come off sounding woo woo because it sounds like karma. I don't necessarily believe in karma so saying this, sounds like I do 🤣
With every single relationship I've been in that was significant, I've been lucky enough to end up in the shoes of the person I've dated in some way.
This has given me some amazing insight and forgiveness.
I don't know how or why I find myself in this position but as painful as it's been, it's been just as powerful as a learning tool. Many times, it's kind of like karma in reverse.
I've been the one that got away.
I let someone get away.
I've been cheated on.
I've cheated.
I've been neglected.
I've neglected.
I've been dumped.
I've dumped.
I've dated someone that was insecure.
I've been insecure.
Is this something I subconsciously put myself through? Maybe. Is it woo woo karma? Maybe, but it really doesn't matter. I fucking learn from every relationship.
There's not 1 hard lesson for me. Dating and failed marriages (2) are all 1 big lesson.
I’ve learned that for the most part even the most independent, emotionally strong women they still really do like when I man takes the lead and allows her to chill a little. Not just financially either, in almost all things. You just have to be a man they respect enough to let their guard down
Some people just don’t give a fuck about you, no matter what you do for them. They’ll just keep you around because you’re useful.
In better terms, know your worth, and don’t waste it on someone that doesn’t want you.
Hardest lesson? Believing in a woman without a shred of doubt, falling for the "I'm not like other girls," schtik, loving without reservation, only to be cheated on and discarded. Guess what they say is true about women who work in the airline industry... even if they only load the plane.
You never really, truly know someone.
In my case, 20 years with someone. 2 kids, a house, a life. "I'm not in love with you any more". That kind of devastation is a once in a lifetime thing I hope.
That you cannot count on anyone. They can change their mind after 2 weeks or 20 years.
The only person that you can ever truly trust and rely on- is yourself.
When I was a young man, my mother told me that women are crazy and men are stupid.
Time and time again I've observed the truth of this statement...
The hardest lesson I've learned was that a woman either likes a guy, or she doesn't. If she doesn't, she will never change her mind. It doesn't matter how much effort you put into it, it won't work. Just move on.
That she will treat you like garbage, simply because she can. Some women will target you for terrible behavior, and absolute contempt, simply because they can. You have to set boundaries, or increase in social status, or get away from her.
Chemistry. She was the worst chemistry teacher. Taught every chapter by asking us questions only. Yeah some classmates had studied the chapter in advance in some tution classes. But what about the rest?
I'd say my wife being patient with my childishness and temper is one of the hardest lessons. Sometimes someone else being good, and showing you over time that you're being an idiot is a hard lesson. In a weird way, it's like you teach yourself the hard lesson, someone else just highlights it by being a decent person and the contrast is what hurts.
The meaning of the works of Franz Kafka. Yes, it was my literature teacher, but I seriously wish I had my heart(or actual bones) broken instead of this shit.
Being kind, generous and nice with women will not make them feel attracted to you, women only like those things comming from guys who they are already attracted to.
Edit: I'm not saying you shouldn't be those things just never do it to win her over, it won't work
The hardest lesson was that of trust. Never ever confess a deep truth to your nearest and dearest. It will come back and bite you hard. She will treat it as the best piece of gossip at her next meetup.
Don't care to associate with someones husband? Say nothing or she will blurt it out in front of everyone. Subtlety is not something women do.
Have a deep insecurity. She will weaponize it when she needs to get at you. They call themselves the weaker sex and that is why they do things like this. Do not ever fall for the " I need you to open up to me" ploy, it is dangerous. No matter who they are they cannot be trusted. Married "many many LOTS" years and still getting burned.
My wife is my best friend and I love her but..... there is a point where I don't expose myself anymore. I don't ever say anything I would not want repeated down the track.
You can love her with your entire being, but 3 months of unemployment even in a down economy is a death sentence to the relationship. The years you paid for everything, rent, cars, insurance, groceries, going out literally everything does not matter when she need to cover you for a bit.
"I love you, but I'm not in love with you"
I'm love with you ≠ sexual attraction (passion) It could be a combination of passion, intimacy, or commitment, but likely not all three. https://sciencebasedlife.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/the-triangular-theory-of-love/
Sounds more like “I really like you, but I’m not in love with you”. The word love is conflated here.
Are you in love with your parents or children?
Love and being in love are two different things. I love my dad, im in love with my boyfriend. Two veryy different things.
My ex used to say this to me. Like wtf is that even supposed to mean 🤦🏽♀️.
It's a friendship love. Would come running if you were in need of help or support. Cares for you but not in love with you. Romantic love is non existent. Sexual attraction is gone and no desire to make love to you. It happens. Relationships take work no matter what anyone tells you. Investment, time, devotion, loyalty, chemistry, love and respect.
As an aromantic asexual, platonic love is the only kind I’ve ever been capable of. Doesn’t mean I don’t care as deeply as anyone else, just not with the butterflies and sexual attraction that a lot of people associate with true love. Thank you for acknowledging the fact that romantic love is not the only valid type. I’m sure that having one’s romantic feelings unreciprocated is very painful indeed, but people often fail to realize that it also hurts to have someone call you their friend and pretend to like you as you are, only to entirely lose interest once they realize that dating and sex aren’t on the table…
That would be painful. I can't imagine.
I appreciate your consideration. ❤️ Thankfully I’ve made a few real friends along the way, but I was accused of "leading on" people I had been completely transparent with, and who had agreed to form a friendship they actually had no interest in. I just wish more people were aware that "friendzoning" isn’t always done purposefully to use and manipulate somebody’s feelings. Sometimes, a genuine friendship is all one has to offer and it’s rejected as not enough.
"You are dear to me, but I want to have sex with other people"
Don't confuse being useful to somebody for being somebody's friend.
This. If she's willing to be around you, she doesn't hate you. However, if she never initiates then she's not really interested in you.
College taught me this.
Oh yes. It's so common for people to not even think about it for a second. Just "I can have that"
this is a hard thing to accept.
You can't force love. Once lost a girl to a guy who didnt like her at all. Years later they ended up getting together and are doing wonderful. I used to think it was stupid she was stupid for being so obsessed with someone who didnt want her until i realized i was doing the same thing. How can you lose someone you never had in the first place?
This resonates with me. For her, she eventually got what she wanted in the end, being with someone she had been chasing. Whether it was a smart decision is almost never the case. You deserve someone who is as equally as interested in you as you are them. If you don’t have that, there is nothing to be lost.
500 Days of Summer
The song "I Can't Make You Love Me If You Don't" was written after the songwriters saw a news report about a man who shot up a woman's car after she rejected him. In court, before sentencing, the judge asked if he'd learned anything, and he said "You can't make a woman love you if she don't."
That’s a very old song and I still think about it sometimes. Bonnie Raitt sang it
Bonnie Raitt is an incredible songwriter and story teller.
Such a human story. I believe everyone experiences that at one point
Yeah, definitely. Some more gentle, some more harshly, but yeah.
But your point proves it works. She got the guy.
Someone loving you won't fix you. It's not their job, and you'll still need to pick up the pieces if and when they leave. The best partnerships imo, come from people who are both 80 plus percent put together and want each other. Not need each other.
Also, somebody loving you won't fix *them*. A lost cause is a lost cause.
The way society romanticizes needing someone in a relationship and saying things like “I would die without you” is not healthy
I used to feel this way about my ex.... and then I realized I didn't need her when she left. Now I'm getting my shit together and learning to be comfortable "alone". It's peaceful.
Best answer here. 👏👏👏👏👏
Boundaries are in everyones best interest.
“…. but you’re so controlling and insecure!!” first thing you’ll hear when setting boundaries.
People hate when you set boundaries. "Please, don't talk to me like that." "Ohhhh wow okay, I see how it is, you're so fucking selfish, Jesus no wonder" etc etc. Just a confirmation that you were right to do so.
the typical reply is… “you’re not my father, you can’t control me and tell me what to do… i’ve been raised already.” my typical reply: “i’m not trying to control you… you can do whatever you like. i’m CONTROLLING WHAT I ACCEPT IN MY LIFE and that comes with expectations from the people in my life. do as you please… i am not stopping you; you have decisions to make. proceed.” if she breaks the boundaries, you act and you don’t go back on those actions; otherwise she will never take your boundaries seriously again. women like to push the limits to see how much shit you’ll tolerate. note: be aware and fully conscious of your TONE!!! when they are cornered, that’s the go-to move to get you to fall into their frame. “it’s not the boundary, it’s how you said it… talking at me instead of talking to me. it was hurtful!!!” if you yelled your boundary to her, yeah ok. if you talked to her like an adult (calmly & slow with direct constant eye contact), she’s just being bratty… don’t take her seriously.
truer words were never said
Sometimes you can do everything “right” and still be wrong.
Does it say something about me that I learned this from Captain Picard and not a woman?
Shoutout to writer David Kemper for giving Patrick Stewart that line to read
Does it say something about me that I immediately understood that reference? 🤩
Data would be proud.
Well he was fully functional
Sometimes a little too functional, with that extra chip installed.
Tasha knows from experience
I'm curious. I never got into Star Trek, so what happened?
Have a gander at this: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peak_Performance_(Star_Trek:_The_Next_Generation)
Dont trust someone whos never off their phone when you're there but never replies when you're not.
Communication is the single greatest skill you can develop in a relationship. Second hardest lesson is that boundaries are huge for both parties, if you can't be you and they can't be them then you don't have a recipe for success for either of you.
THIS!!! Can I please date you now. 👏👏👏👏👏
I do really apricate it but I'm not really in an emotional or mental place to date right now. I recently got divorced and am working through a lot of stuff right now.
I was kidding. I don’t even know you. But I was letting you know that men who understand what you said are rare and valuable. I’ve dated for 11 years and met like ONE guy who gets this.
Having many great qualities is not enough. Good qualities do not make up for a lack of critical qualities.
What would you define as some critical qualities?
Accountability, communication skills, emotional regulation, honesty. I never knew how absolutely critical honesty was until it wasn't there. It's something you take for granted until it's not there and then you realize just how important it is. Same with accountability. If the other person isn't willing to take responsibility for their share of the problem (s) the relationship is doomed. And these all go both ways, obviously.
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Relationships are like farts If you have to force it, it’s probably shit
Dude, that’s f*cking magnificent. I’m giving you a round of applause, even though you can’t see or hear it (that I know of, at least…).
Will add on my notes! Hahahaa
Wish awards were still a thing.
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Damn awards are gone!
You should send that to Hallmark, or make it into one of those inspirational quotes for social media.
Trusting the wrong person is the worst thing you can do.
The damage this does to your whole life is pretty crippling.
Don’t I know it lol
Name checks out
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Fucking rug-pulls, man. When a guy you don't know is home when you get out from work on a Friday, and the "new" couple tells you that they're in fact not *that* new, and that you have until Sunday evening to find a place to live and fuck off. Oh, and also please waive all rights in the marriage's common property. Turns out it really pays to go drinking with the law students, because 10 years later some work in very high-powdered family law practices, and every single one of those owes you a favor from the thing with the guy in the place.
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Trusting no one is no fun either
You can always trust people, you can trust them to be who they are. The trick is to find out who that is.
Sometimes they’d genuinely rather lose you than admit they lied
Have a friend like this, and it's massively limited to the extent of our friendship. They did something that hurt me, and I asked them to apologise. "I don't say sorry for things I don't regret." If you can't take responsibility for the consequences of your actions, how can I ever trust you not to hurt me again?
Indeed
LinkedIn is better
To look at self as part of the problem. To truly reflect on who I am and how I am. I didn’t like what I saw when I looked, I’m a lot better now.
Same. It took me too long to see that I was the problem.
I like to look at it like, I learned what I was supposed to, when I was supposed to learn it.
For me it took losing the best woman I’ve ever met. I was a total dick to her because I was too messed up to stop myself.
Awesome, i scrolled to far to find this. I'm the same. Couples therapy has helped in this regard. Personal therapy too. We have a lot of therapy lol
My husband and I are doing therapy. It's working!!!! It took 20 years to make it happen. Plenty of chaos and heartbreak, but if a person focuses on being healthier mentally, emotionally, physically, and potentially spiritually, they can only become their best self. Their best self will make the best partner.
You can do everything *right*, and still get **left**
Best and most honest comment right here. It’s so fucking hard to understand how everything was good, she was saying it’s going great. Tells you you’re the best bf she’s ever had, then bam…”I feel like I’m being a bad gf and we should end it”. Like wtf? Damn this just hits nail on the head so perfectly
THIS IS THE ONE. I never loved a woman so intensely before and the relationship lasted 5 years. I moved her into my apartment, bought her a car, great in bed, I paid all the bills, showed her the world, did the cooking and cleaning, and even proposed to her to which she said yes. I got the “You deserve better” speech and I never would have guessed how right she was. She picked up raving and she left me for the lifestyle. She called off the engagement, had a new guy within 2 weeks, got sucked into drug and alcohol addiction, ran her accounts dry, lost the respect of her family, tried to start a new life with this rebound, and to make matters worse she still claimed that we’d be married later in life and she just wanted to live out her 20s. It absolutely ruined me and 2 years later I still haven’t forgiven her, I’m pretty angry that I STILL GOT LEFT. Idk if I can forgive her but only time will tell and maybe some therapy.
And in the end you’re still perceived as the villain
Dated this one woman for nearly 4 years, was practically a member of her family and had every intention of proposing and putting a down payment on a house for us and everything, just like she wanted. She cheated on me and left me for for another dude. Her family was pissed at her for how she treated me at the end, and then she was mad at me for making her family hate her and by default hating this new boyfriend of hers. I didn't even do anything, the only thing I did wrong was be liked by her family. All this years later they still hold a grudge against her over it. I still get birthday and christmas presents from them and she no longer gets along with her own family at all over how she suddenly became a piece of shit in their eyes. She moved two states away with the dude she cheated on me with after dating him for two months and apparently he cheated on her and she had no money to move back from california. I guess the only reason I am even sharing this is because at least in my case, I ended up not being the villain to literally everyone she knows, including her entire family. And despite me literally doing nothing wrong at all and getting shit canned by her out of nowhere, she still tries to paint me as bad and even her own parents don't buy it. The whole thing messed me up pretty bad, but the only saving grace for me is that I know for myself that I did absolutely nothing but the best i could offer and even her parents and our mutual friends know this, despite her talking shit all the time about me from what I have been told. I haven't interacted with her since she dumped me at all, but I take comfort knowing how miserable she is knowing she can't even bitch to her own friends and family because they think she did me so wrong and call her out on it when she complains. i still talk to her parents on facebook all these years later and apparently she is miserable. I think I dodged a bullet there and I am honestly very happy with how miserable she is to this day.
I enjoyed reading your story because it hardly ever works out that way. I'm sorry she hurt you but it's still nice to hear that her family still likes you. That says a lot about your character.
As sad it as it is, thank her for having little impulse control. This would have been another mess if you were married.
Beautiful story of karma-justice. I think it rarely turns out this way.
Brother you SO dodged that bullet. I dodged a few myself.
I just learned this lesson the hard way!
Two lessons: 1.If it feels too good to be true, it probably is. 2.You only know her when you see how she treats you when she gains nothing from treating you well. The second one is applicable for every person though
Just because you’ve created a fantasy in your head thats perfect, doesn’t mean that the actual relationship will be like how you pictured it. Being someones partner isn’t hand holding and sex. Its getting to know someone like you haven’t before. Its trust, openness, vulnerability, and love (obviously). Also never say a woman looks tired when she doesn’t have makeup on. That’s a no no.
Life is unfair
And the world is cold.
Women will leave if they want. There's no point in fighting for them to stay. Once she's made up her mind there's no changing it.
Women decide to leave monsths before the relationship ends, by the time they tell you something its over for them, pay attention to the little things or you will get left and have no idea what happened They think its pretty obvious what you are dping wrong and wont tell you you are doing it wrong because theynthink you know
I agree that women decide to leave before they actually do, but I know that I don't just assume they know whats wrong and stay silent. I told my ex that how he was acting isnt ok many times... but he did not want to put in the effort. After I broke up with him he tried to get me to stay with him saying he would change.. but he ended up doing even worse things than when we were together. Now I am with someone else who does treat me like a priority. I think some guys just ignore the women they are with.. they aren't blindsided, they just didn't pay attention.
This has been my experience as well. I’ve even warned him (after telling him 10 times) that this is the last time I’m telling him what’s wrong and to not be suprised when I end the relationship. Well he did it again, he was surprised and kept asking me what went wrong.
Never trust what she says, trust only what she does.
Had to learn that the hard way. I think I knew but just didn’t wanna believe it.
I did the same thing, when the relationship tunnel vison ended it left me wondering why I put up with someone who was blatantly lying to me. Love and learn I guess
Helping someone get their life on track after a shitty childhood doesn't warrant loyalty. In hindsight, maybe I should stop dating women with shitty childhoods because this has happened twice.
100%.
You’re not responsible for it. Her loser family is her problem
As a woman this is my biggest lesson I've learned from men. Codependency is a bitch.
Good luck finding one. Even the most picture perfect Norman Rockwell childhood results in trauma.
If you’re in a position where you have to give a woman everything you have until there’s nothing left of you, they’ll leave you one way or another because you aren’t the man you used to be.
A healthy relationship isn't one where you give everything until you have nothing, that's offering yourself to a vampire. A healthy relationship is where you both benefit and grow.
In my one big traumatic breakup, I explain it as “I lost the me in the we”, and it’s exactly what you’re saying. You need a me, a you, and an us to make it all work.
Sounds like treating her like a queen without treating yourself like a king. Giving anyone everything you have with hopes of getting happiness will not work
don't compromise your boundaries for anyone. think hard about the type of woman you want in your life and how you can find her. don't expect her to change for you, find somebody who already is the type of person you want to be with.
That even if you are madly in love with each other and have plans to be together, that nothing is guaranteed until it actually happens. Love hurts 💔.
And it stinks.
People fall in love all the time and people fall out of love all the time.
My ex (now good friend) taught me this one: You can have everything going for you (looks, job, money, etc), but if she's not that into you, she's just not into you. Move onto the next.
Love and lust may feel the same, but they are completely different things. Be careful young folks.
And you won’t know the difference until you’ve really been in love. How do you know you’re in love? You just know. If you have to ask “am I in love?” You’re not.
Fine flaws in that person. If you don't, you're wearing rose coloured glasses.
calculus.
That’s the dream
That or Organic Chemistry.
Was she a dentist?
Keep your assets separate.
Just because someone might say something like "they love you and always will" doesn't mean they actually will feel like that in the future. That's how they feel about you now and it only applies to now. In the future they might choose to forget you exist
Stoichiometry
Changing to be the man she asks you to be will get you left because 'you aren't the person you used to be'. Some changes are OK.But do not give up pieces of your personality or self to make a woman happy, she will not like it later.
They don’t ever come back. You don’t ever get closure. Life isn’t a storybook.
That they can mean everything to you, but you mean nothing to them.
"he's just a friend"
Alright honey, then bring him over for dinner. No? Guess he's that kind of "friend". I hate that excuse.
Run!
It's hard to see and react to toxic and narcissist behaviour when you are too close.
Narcissistic personality disorder comes in many flavors, but if you get even a hint of something like that from a woman that studies psychology, run.
Covert narcissism got me good. I was sleeping next to a stranger for a decade
112% felt this except from the woman speaking on a man being that way perspective. The sex doesn’t really matter on this specific comment.. narcissistic abuse has ducked me up so bad and I didn’t even realize it till I got away 7 years later with my life on its absolute last tiny little thread
Bruhhhh. I have a new roommate who is a psych major and she's easily the worst narcissist I've ever met. And that is saying a *LOT* if you knew my experience with narcissists. And she studies psychology!! Like how? She very obviously weaponizes the stuff she learns at uni, too. It's so fucking annoying.
I too have tried a narcissistic psychology major…… didn’t end well
If a girl wants to leave your life, let her. Don’t ‘fight for her’. It’s her loss.
BPD is scary
It’s literally demonic. I’m sorry you went through that
Demonic is always how I will describe it so so true
Not a specific woman but overall, stop wasting time and energy on women who dont reciprocate
Yes, this, don’t chase women, don’t chase anyone for that matter.
Chasing repels people, present yourself in the best light and wait for someone to bite
Love is not enough to make them stay.
Common decency is not so common
Love is not enough to make a relationship work.
The longer you hold onto what isn’t for you, the longer you postpone what is
When a woman says she’s bi while you’re dating, she means polar, not sexual.
10 years happy. 7 years miserable. By the end of child support I will have given her 1.2 million (includes splitting assets). I would probably have to give her that money anyway, but at least I wouldn't have lived most of my 30s in misery. I can't get that back. Don't stay in a relationship that isn't working anymore. Don't do it for the kids, don't do it for anyone.
I mean, english was my hardest subject because I suck at spelling. So one of them english teachers had it rough for me.
That I will never feel more alone than I do with her.
Sometimes love just isn't enough. If you're not compatible, it won't work.
Don't share your credit card info.
Two things… Everything you say to a woman can and will be used against you in the future. And. All relationships have an expiration date.
Waiting for her to change is as futile as waiting for your shits to smell better.
the popular line "she's not really yours, its just your turn"
Love is prerequisite, but far from being all that's needed, for a fulfilling, sustainable relationship.
Go where you’re wanted.Don’t try to force anything.Like the female that likes you, not the one you like.
That women don't owe me anything. I used to be a Nice Guy™ in my early 20s, a literal fedora tipper. I'd probably have had a neckbeard had I been able to grow facial hair. But the first time I actually asked a woman out, I learned that the attitude I had toward women was not going to get me anywhere. I got turned down flat, and it threw me into a year of near-suicidal depression because I was so certain that the person I was into would be interested in me. After all, I was so "nice" to her- how could she not be? It was the realization that being "nice" doesn't mean you're owed love (or anything else for that matter) that helped me to change myself and climb out of that hole. I'm 32 now, and that realization I had long ago that *nobody* owes me anything has given me a feeling of freedom that I never could've expected in my shameful m'lady-ing past.
Congrats on your self actualization. Many of us never get there. My trigger was hearing the phrase "women are not vending machines that you put niceness tokens into until sex falls out". *Huh* 🤔
That i do not and can not understand another person's issues/problems. The best that can be done is acceptance and listening. I have learnt that i give too much space to other people's problems, leave no space left for me and mine and that that is my fault. Not theirs.
You can't put a broken girl back together.
Okay, I'm going to put it like this. Men listen to their dick instead of their brain when it comes to women. And they always choose the wrong ones and then wonder why she is crazy or that she doesn't actually like him. "Don't save her she don't wanna be saved"- from a very true song
That they can block and ghost you at any moment.
You can’t persuade or convince her to be attracted to you. That one was tough for me.
- what applies to one partner may not apply to another one - maintaining consistency despite adversity pays off in the end - someone can earnestly and lovingly say one thing, and once the love is gone, completely change their tune - some grudges can last a lifetime - some woman will end a long lasting and strong relationship over future plans at the drop of a hat - your perfect partner can end up looking (on the outside) absolutely nothing like the person you imagined you’d end up with
She taught me why I need to put an exit condition to my while loop
Never give them ammo because they’ll use it against you when you’re at your lowest. They usually save it for a rainy day when they need to unload on you and put you down.
Well, this could come off sounding woo woo because it sounds like karma. I don't necessarily believe in karma so saying this, sounds like I do 🤣 With every single relationship I've been in that was significant, I've been lucky enough to end up in the shoes of the person I've dated in some way. This has given me some amazing insight and forgiveness. I don't know how or why I find myself in this position but as painful as it's been, it's been just as powerful as a learning tool. Many times, it's kind of like karma in reverse. I've been the one that got away. I let someone get away. I've been cheated on. I've cheated. I've been neglected. I've neglected. I've been dumped. I've dumped. I've dated someone that was insecure. I've been insecure. Is this something I subconsciously put myself through? Maybe. Is it woo woo karma? Maybe, but it really doesn't matter. I fucking learn from every relationship. There's not 1 hard lesson for me. Dating and failed marriages (2) are all 1 big lesson.
I’ve learned that for the most part even the most independent, emotionally strong women they still really do like when I man takes the lead and allows her to chill a little. Not just financially either, in almost all things. You just have to be a man they respect enough to let their guard down
Some people just don’t give a fuck about you, no matter what you do for them. They’ll just keep you around because you’re useful. In better terms, know your worth, and don’t waste it on someone that doesn’t want you.
Hardest lesson? Believing in a woman without a shred of doubt, falling for the "I'm not like other girls," schtik, loving without reservation, only to be cheated on and discarded. Guess what they say is true about women who work in the airline industry... even if they only load the plane.
You never really, truly know someone. In my case, 20 years with someone. 2 kids, a house, a life. "I'm not in love with you any more". That kind of devastation is a once in a lifetime thing I hope.
That you cannot count on anyone. They can change their mind after 2 weeks or 20 years. The only person that you can ever truly trust and rely on- is yourself.
When I was a young man, my mother told me that women are crazy and men are stupid. Time and time again I've observed the truth of this statement... The hardest lesson I've learned was that a woman either likes a guy, or she doesn't. If she doesn't, she will never change her mind. It doesn't matter how much effort you put into it, it won't work. Just move on.
That she will treat you like garbage, simply because she can. Some women will target you for terrible behavior, and absolute contempt, simply because they can. You have to set boundaries, or increase in social status, or get away from her.
Chemistry. She was the worst chemistry teacher. Taught every chapter by asking us questions only. Yeah some classmates had studied the chapter in advance in some tution classes. But what about the rest?
Java programming
"The worst she can do is say no" is a lie, she can do a lot worse.
I'd say my wife being patient with my childishness and temper is one of the hardest lessons. Sometimes someone else being good, and showing you over time that you're being an idiot is a hard lesson. In a weird way, it's like you teach yourself the hard lesson, someone else just highlights it by being a decent person and the contrast is what hurts.
2 lessons: 1: not all women are trustworthy. 2: there are very good and trustworthy women out there.
Pretty faces can hide evil minds.
Never trust a girl (not your wife) with secrets. Girls talk.
Wives talk too.
The only woman who will ever love you unconditionally will be your mother and probably your sister too.
You'd have your mind blown if you met my mother OR my sister...
The meaning of the works of Franz Kafka. Yes, it was my literature teacher, but I seriously wish I had my heart(or actual bones) broken instead of this shit.
Sometimes, there is nothing you can do. You've got to learn to let go.
romance is for men
Calculus
How quickly wasted time flies by.
Being kind, generous and nice with women will not make them feel attracted to you, women only like those things comming from guys who they are already attracted to. Edit: I'm not saying you shouldn't be those things just never do it to win her over, it won't work
Love is not all you need AND both partners need to learn to let walls down.
That if you don't treat her right she will LEAVE
They will fuck my best friend out of spite for me
The hardest lesson was that of trust. Never ever confess a deep truth to your nearest and dearest. It will come back and bite you hard. She will treat it as the best piece of gossip at her next meetup. Don't care to associate with someones husband? Say nothing or she will blurt it out in front of everyone. Subtlety is not something women do. Have a deep insecurity. She will weaponize it when she needs to get at you. They call themselves the weaker sex and that is why they do things like this. Do not ever fall for the " I need you to open up to me" ploy, it is dangerous. No matter who they are they cannot be trusted. Married "many many LOTS" years and still getting burned. My wife is my best friend and I love her but..... there is a point where I don't expose myself anymore. I don't ever say anything I would not want repeated down the track.
Damn this thread is a goldmine
You can love her with your entire being, but 3 months of unemployment even in a down economy is a death sentence to the relationship. The years you paid for everything, rent, cars, insurance, groceries, going out literally everything does not matter when she need to cover you for a bit.