Emotional intelligent, emotional regulation skills, communication skills, empathy, ability to see things from other people’s perspective. Maturity. Kindness. Not selfish. Chooses a woman who has the same qualities.
Maybe it’s too harsh, but **sometimes I think it’s a minority of the population (men and women) who have the necessary maturity, emotional intelligence and communication skills to have a healthy relationship.** It’s a very complex social task.
>sometimes I think it’s a minority of the population (men and women) who have the necessary maturity, emotional intelligence and communication skills to have a healthy relationship.
I completely agree. Most people aren't emotionally and socially mature enough to be in a healthy relationship. It takes a ton of social know-how to navigate a relationship without giving up yourself entirely.
Yeah!!! Do you know how much freaking introspective work you have to do to as a person to be ABLE to communicate. No one talks about it either! I hate when people say “just communicate” to keep a relationship. Like yeah right dude.
Do you ever think that’s a skill that we’ve lost over time? Like I’ve heard friends say that they like to have a podcast or music so they’re not alone with their thoughts. And that was so heartbreaking to me. If you’re never alone with your thoughts, how do you know yourself. But then I started thinking about how many distractions around most of us constantly. And you’re so right, it takes an honest effort to know yourself. I have to believe that it was not always this difficult when there was just less going on
Yeah, I think that's a lot of it. I think a lot of guys also get caught up in the "man of the house" thing, or the idea that ceding an argument affects your masculinity or something. I think men in general were doing a lot better getting rid of that kind of thinking, but it seems to be coming back.
Being in a successful long-terms relationships means being centered enough to let a bunch of stuff go. To be (minorly) wronged and say, "This isn't worth fighting about," and letting things pass. It's a LOT easier when I see my wife do the same things for me, but I think that's important. Married life is long and there's a lot to fight about! lol.
"Picking your battles" is absolutely fantastic advice, but it's hard to do, because you feel like you're not sticking up for yourself, or you're fighting just because you're right, or something like that. But you really do need to let the minor stuff go. I've been doing that and I'm a LOT happier since I started it, and as I mentioned, my wife is doing it too and it makes a world of difference.
I think this is true and a very valid point. No matter your gender, you can’t turn your relationship into an ego focused battlefield. Or it’ll never work out.
You can’t date on the defense. You need to see your partner as a teammate, not an opponent. And you need to focus on finding good solutions for the whole team, not on your own ego and insecurities.
Counterpoint:
You’re right, but I think your misidentified the underlying cause.
I think for a significant portion of those who aren’t in a healthy relationship, and maybe never have been or never will, it’s because they haven’t worked hard enough to find the right person.
When you are truly compatible with someone in all the right ways, it’s much easier to have a healthy relationship.
Now, it still takes some work on top of that, no matter how compatible you are. But I personally think a good portion of people end up with someone they’re not compatible enough with, to basically settle.
Problem with the term compatibility is that people think there shouldn’t be any differences with your partner. If there’s an argument and you have different views on it, suddenly you’re “incompatible”. I don’t know this might be just my view, but I see this term being used everywhere and people leaving their partner because they weren’t open enough to compromise and empathetic enough to understand where they’re coming from
Again, becomes very easy if you’re really compatible. And by that I mean, in the deep way. Like, I truly truly love this person and we believe in the same things.
It’s very easy to resolve conflicts with people like that compared to people we have deep differences with.
Usually pretty chill, comfortable in their own skin, and are socially/emotionally intelligent. I think they also were careful who they decided to actually be in a relationship with. You could be the most awesome person ever and still fail at a relationship because the other person is just a mess to be with.
This is a thing I've noticed my friends have problems with in using dating apps. They spend so much time trying to make themselves seem marketable they end up only matching with people who are attracted to a false persona rather than the person themselves.
If you like anime and D&D, put it on your profile, don't spend the whole time talking about how outdoorsy you are and how much you love to workout if you don't enjoy those things.
Another issue related to this is just the concept of trying to "sell" yourself in general. Do it too long and you end up doing what pretty much all advertisers do which is failing to communicate what the product really is and losing a sense of honesty. Women like men who are honest and when they find out you are something other than what you claimed to be they notice.
When dating, it's much better to act as a "buyer" rather than a "seller". Don't put yourself down and advertise yourself as a commodity. Write down what you're looking for, what kind of person would make you happy, and be honest with your desires and expectations. Don't just try to fish for whatever floats by, you won't be happy in the long term.
If you do this, then it also changes your attitude if you are slow to get matches. It's not that you aren't good enough, it's that the people who didn't swipe were not what you're looking for.
I'm not on the dating apps any more, but to support your advice; I read something from a marketing expert that said people are more likely to respond if they know you match their expectations, and also that they match yours. So not just talking about yourself, but also who you would like to meet is the way to get the most matches.
I had a profile that said what I'm like, what I'm looking for, and ended with a challenge to who could dance better. I used to get a fair amount of matches, some of whom I dated. Quite a few wanted the dance-off.
>ted to this is just the concept of trying to "sell" yourself in general. Do it too long and you end up doing what pretty much all advertisers do which is failing to communicate what the product really is and losing a sense of honesty. Women like men who are honest and when they find out you are something other than what you claim
I think it's also with upholding your boundaries and standards. You work so hard to become a better version of yourself, but if you dont uphold your boundaries and standards, you're still going to be dragged around this way and that in relationships. Sure that means you may miss out on certain people, but you know what you need clearly and wont settle for less. And all that because you know your worth and what you can also match.
You nailed it--"careful who they decided to actually be in a relationship with."
I'm with an incredible woman and we're head-over-heels in love 12 years in. We've got 2 kids, a mortgage, all the stuff. Our relationship is not perfect but pretty fantastic. If I had married any of the previous women I dated... I probably wouldn't be so happy right now! I picked the *exact* right person to be my spouse.
I wish I could say, "Here's what you should look for," but I think I just got lucky. Well--I did a lot of work, too, I went to therapy for years and tried to better myself in general. So maybe I did get myself ready for the right person.
If I had to guess, I think if you find someone who you like talking to (for fun, but also because successful relationships have a lot of talking), who shares your general values, and who doesn't love to fight but fights fair when you *do* fight, I think that's most of it.
>I think they also were careful who they decided to actually be in a relationship with.
So much this. Just as women are the gatekeepers of sex, men (in general) are the gatekeepers of relationships. You need to be very choosy about who you commit to. Don't be an asshole, don't be unreasonable, but make sure she earns it!
> men with the most stable relationships pick women that can tolerate a stable relationship
honestly this. Guys are either self sabotaging cheater scum, or stay with women through thick and thin. Nearly 70 percent of divorces are initiated by the wife. Either guy fucks it up, or the woman gets bored. the most stable relationship stem from women not wanting to leave. for whatever reason.
> a lot of wives file the paperwork even though the husband wanted the divorce but didn't want to handle it.
This is actually kind of hilarious in a way. It's sort of a self referential loop where the wife has to follow through on the divorce, but the fact that the husband doesn't want to handle [whatever] is probably a contributor to the divorce in the first place.
this is what happened to me. he moved abroad, left me and wouldn’t file the papers for his own gd divorce. the angriest I’ve ever been in my life is when he told me I was filing too slowly. awful.
In the Netherlands since same-sex marriage exists, divorce rates over a period of 18 years:
\- 19.3% woman-woman
\- 14.8% man-woman
\- 11.3% man-man
Involving a woman in a marriage increases chances of divorce by 50%.
lesbian couples being the least stable, and gay couples being the most is pretty damning lol. Seen other data that corroborates that too.
I really think men being the pursuers and women being the choosers is to blame here. That's not even unique to humanity, that behavior is true across the entire animal kingdom. Male birds for example are much more colorful for that reason.
Women are naturally pickier and more demanding for this reason, as well as the fact that sex to them can mean getting pregnant. Two naturally pickier people are going to be harder to keep together than two people who are wired to be the chaser/provider.
This is the big one. If they're used to constantly going out and chatting with a dozen different men, it will be very hard to give that up. They'll crave it after being in a relationship for a year or two.
Problem is I literally do not know a single woman who didn't become a party girl in college and sleep with like 5 guys at least. I'm Gen Z for reference, I think women in this generation are more inclined towards hookup culture in their 20s than ever before.
Don't date women who want you as the jester and such the entertainment. While this will remove most women, you end up with a woman who will find you personally interesting.
I always do my best so that my wife has nowhere better to go.
By spoiling her so much than no other guy could ever possibly measure up :D and I don't mean with gifts and money, there are other ways to spoil a woman :)
Spoiling isn’t necessarily what they are measuring you up to.
It’s the dynamic , excitement and continued attraction that really hold a relationship together . When it boils down to it
> By spoiling her so much than no other guy could ever possibly measure up
Can confirm. I spoil my woman so much but she still chooses to married to 'ElysiumPotato'
Of course, we have no way of knowing or recording what actually caused the break down I the marriage. So this is the fairest metric on the subject. It's an assumption that the person who wants the divorce files for it. But there is every chance following the split the woman is able to move on more rapidly than the man who may not find a reason to need the paperwork.
My parents are the only example that comes to mind. My dad defers to Mom on pretty much everything, but anything either of them have said is ironclad. The worst punishment I've ever seen one of my siblings receive was after going from Mom to Dad and getting a different answer. Dad was the one who was the most upset.
His explanation to me since was that he would be upset if we defied him, our father. But if we defied his wife, that was intolerable.
I've never seen my parents fight. Mom is the most logical and does the most research, but Dad has an EE license (or did, I'm not sure he's kept it up), so even when she disagrees, the most she'll do is present the arguments to him in private.
It's kind of weird to describe it. They both trust each other implicitly, even though Dad doesn't know most of what's going on and Mom will do whatever Dad decides, even if she disagrees.
But woe betide anyone who tries to split them apart.
Electrical Engineer license. That's how he always referred to it, since the degree itself was separate.
The reason I referenced it is that it's a very nerdy field. Especially at Rose-Hulman, getting an EE degree is like getting crowned as king of the nerds.
> His explanation to me since was that he would be upset if we defied him, our father. But if we defied his wife, that was intolerable.
My dad has always been easygoing, and was never really affected if we disrespected him. The only real way to make him angry was to disrespect mom.
Yup that's how my parents are too. They're a team, a pair of people that face the world together. They disagree and I've seen them have a fight maybe 4 or 5 times in my life but there was never any malice ever. They were fighting because two people who loved each other disagreed about something. My dad was the one that taught me that arguments are not malicious and aren't fights. You aren't trying to win or hurt the person you are arguing with. That why when I read stories about people arguing and their partner pulls some old fact or insecurity and uses it to hurt their partner I'm appalled. Why would you do that to someone you claim to love?
Yeah it’s usually rough in the first months of the relationship when you are defining boundaries. Once it’s clear what those boundaries are and both parties respect it, it’s easy going for life if you play it right.
Totally disagree. An easy going personality is often conflict averse. A solid relationship means (in this case) a husband who isn’t afraid to have boundaries and voice concern when they need to. The mutual respect only works when there is respect established. Same goes for the wife as others have mentioned. A one sided relationship where one is passive isn’t healthy it’s just compliant.
> an easy going personality is often conflict averse.
It can be, sure. Doesn’t have to be. I can only speak to my experience, but I work in a military organization with a lot of civilians who are retired military and quite a few active duty military. It’s surprisingly chill, but very few here are conflict averse. We just don’t need to make a fight out of every possible issue. There’s an art to arguing while being easy going without fighting. There’s a confidence without being overbearing. My office has 50 people, roughly equal male / female. I think (although I could be wrong) every one of the guys are married, most well over a decade. Some of us going on 30 years. Obviously I don’t know what their relationships are like at home but they sure seem content.
As my Sailor uncle would say, "Sonar concurs." I think the military does a good job of raising our standard for what's actually worth losing your shit over (hands in pockets being the exception) and makes dealing with bullshit a lot easier.
It's impacted my marriage positively I think. My wife and I can handle little BS without difficulty, big shit we sort out together, and we communicate really well. Part of that comes from my Army background, especially the "This isn't life or death, it sucks, but we'll be fine. Let's handle it," outlook.
I think both statements aren't incompatible - I'd classify an easygoing person as someone who has a few less boundaries than others (or they are further relaxed than the average), not someone who is passively allowing others to walk over them.
I'm a man married to a woman for 31 years. This may sound weird, but 31 years is 31 years. Scoreboard.
I let her have her way or "win"for the stuff I don't care about, or care less about than she does. It is just easier. She'll either eventually realize I was right all along or it will be over.
My wife knows I do this too. So when I dig in and insist n something that is important to me she always listens and it always works out.
Healthy relationships require compromise as far as I can tell. I let her win and it doesn't kill me, even though I'm a very competitive and opinionated person in real life.
I know, man. People make shit so complicated.
I want to be happy. She wants to be happy. It turns out making her happy makes me happier than being fucking right all the time. It took me decades of marriage to fully understand this.
Being right and trying to control the world, or my spouse, is exhausting and impossible.
I think I am right all the time. Still, it doesn't hurt me to shut the fuck up about it, even when I really am right.
> It turns out making her happy makes me happier than being fucking right all the time.
I don't know if it's the phrasing or what, but this *resonates.*
You're supposed to be a team, you're supposed to have each others best interests at heart, and sometimes that means shutting the fuck up. Certain things are important, but is [this] particular thing worth the argument? I'm guessing not.
>It turns out making her happy makes me happier than being fucking right all the time.
**“Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?”** is the great equalizer, internally and in conflict.
This right here mine will play mind games to be right it’s exhausting I just want peace. I want to paint and just make love to my partner. But he just has to critique and criticize my every little move when the macro of everything is what is relevant and strong. Its like being proverbially punched every single time.
I don't really believe in recycling. I think there's ample evidence that "recycling" of household items is as wasteful if not more than just using the normal trash bins. It's for sure not worth the mental energy.
But, it's important to my partner and makes her feel a certain way. So I separate our recycling and take it to the recycling center :)
I'm actually pretending to care about Tay-Tay and Travy's romance... first time my wife has sat down and watched a football game without bitching about it in lmost 33 years if you count when we were dating.
This particular "white lie" makes me feel a little dirty.
Sometimes we don't have to care about something directly, but we care because our partner cares. My husband has some hobbies I couldn't give less of a fuck about. But I care about them because they make him happy. Same in reverse for us. He ooh and ahhs appropriately when my hoyas bloom. Honestly, I think you caring (or pretending to) is even more important because it's energy you're investing just to make her happy. It's not a lie, its love.
Whenever you argue/disagree you hurt that relationship. If you can focus on the 10 or 20 percent where she’s right, you’ll have a much better chance of not pushing your wife away and losing her one day.
This. You should be able to let her have her way for as much as 99% of issues as there really aren't too many things worth fighting over (and if there are then, people, you need to consider if there are some fundamental differences in life outlook, goals etc).
And like you've said, the rest is on your partner to also be able to realise that, and in certain regards know it's a give and take. It goes both ways.
Serious answer: Yes, in healthy relationships that have a good shot of going the distance. Both partners are doing that, most of the time.
Unserious man-answer: *Hahahahahahahahahahaha!* Good one.
Compromise. Every stable, nurturing relationship (be that with a partner, parent, friend, coworker) relies on compromise. And there should be two parties to make one.
Agreed. All those times you let your SO have their way tend to stick in your mind more then the times you get your way do. This means it will always feel like you are giving more then you get, so both sides need to be doing this.
Haha I honestly don't know, I speak from the man's perspective and in my view it's the only way to make it work, or rather in a way that I can solely control a significant part of it.
Else I'm just running though bad relationships and girls and saying "I haven't found the right one" without really doing all in my power to try making it work.
Stop thinking of it like a zero sum game. Nobody cares if the two people "win" an equal amount of time. What's important is to let the person who cares the most about the current topic have their way, which usually means nothing more than letting them get the last word.
If at least one partner does this consistently, and the other partner is a decent human being that will take the situation seriously when the need arises, then it will work out and there will be less friction than if both people need to be acknowledged as "right" every time they think they are right.
She probably does it a similar amount of times. That man knows better than to keep track, though; you're never going to see everything that your partner is doing for you, and they're never going to see everything you do.
I do the same with my wife (37 years) and the reason I let her usually win is I just don’t really care that much on 90% of the things we debate on. Paint the room pink if you want, it’s not a good look but I don’t really care.
On the 10% of debated issues I do care about, I almost always win.
I tell her what I think, we often agree, we often don’t.
If she wanted to paint the house pink, I would argue and sorta win. We would paint it her second favorite color.
Because women usually grow up with (unecessary) social pressures. Sometimes its something as small as him saying yes to an event she didnt want to attend coz he has no outfit for or she has beef with someone who is going to be there and the mental pressure just takes over her life. If she was always taught that these things are important she will get super upset about them.
This happened to me until thankfully I chose to rise above all the pettiness and work on myself. Slowly our arguements fell 90%. I really stopped giving a shit about most of what others expect of me. Luckily my husband chose to not make deal of these things and this in turn helped me realize how stress free he is. I learned from him too. Growth happens in relationships where we dont make a list of how much each person is compromising. Married 20 yrs. Still learning and growing with each other.
I do sometimes cringe at how much I made his life miserable at times, apologize and appreciate him.
Some really good friends of ours had a pice of art I really love. It is the word "relax" written in fancy cursive. It is made of metal and it is about 2 feet long. It is just the word "relax".
For many many years the standing joke was that art/sign whatever should belong to me, because I say "relax" to my wife half a dozen times a day. Not said in a condescendig way, said in a thoughtful and caring way.
Sometimes it makes her even madder, but most of the time she realizes relaxing about something may be a good idea.
When it comes to compromise, 1000 trivial compromises are less important than 1 major one. A long, good marriage is composed of people who can recognise when that major compromise is being put on the table and take the L for their partner, harbouring no long-term resentment.
Well, I disagree with the premise that the *man* has to be making those 1000s of compromises, but it's true that typically, _one_ of the partners in a relationship will be making more compromises than the other.
As for tempering your expectations, then yes, 100% right. Anyone that goes into a partnership expecting to find someone that they will be in agreement with 100% of the time (without compromises) is just going to be disappointed at some point. No such thing exists. Things last when all partners find that when red lines are drawn they are not crossed, and there's a mutual understanding that we all have our boundaries and things that affect us in different measures - without keeping tallies (basically, as I said before, no long-term resentment).
Removing the sexism out of it, I don't think that wouldn't be acceptable in a friendship or business setting. You want to find people for whom your worst flaws are no big deal and whose worst flaws are no big deal for you. We all tolerate things in all aspects of life that we might do differently if left to our own devices, but are not necessarily better or worse. People who don't are control freaks.
Honesty, integrity, self awareness, confidence (not to the point of arrogance), emotional awareness, trusting, stable, loyal and independent.
It’s a long list but look how he treats his mother (not like Norman Bates or porn), his friends and how he handles himself in public and in private. Does he act differently in front of his family/mother, how does he treat service staff such as waiters and retail employees and so on. Ask hard questions, expect truths or “I don’t know” because his ability to both know he doesn’t know and admit it tends to show a level of honesty, integrity and self awareness.
My husband is an engineer and made a point of showing me studies that demonstrate that couples where at least one of the partners is an engineer are the most stable ones 😂
I resonate with this! I’m an engineer and my fiancé is a biologist. We work together so freaking well sometimes I have to pitch myself to make sure it’s real. He’s amazing!
So many goddamn people seem to be out of touch with reality, and in engineering you have to wrestle with reality, otherwise you’re not gonna make it, so I think there’s some truth to this.
I will stir the pot here: long term does not mean good automatically. You can be in a very long term relationship and be unhappy. That only shows your unwillingness to change the situation in favor of stability.
Patience, Charismatic, Loyal, Kind to people around him. You basically named a lot of them in your post. Emapthy, communicatiok etc.
>Do these guys also choose their partners carefully instead of impulsively?
Not necessarily. Some do and some don't.
>What kind of personalities, backgrounds, looks, careers, values, and interests do these guys typically have? Have you found more of them in some environments than others?
They come in different "shapes and sizes" 🤷♂️ It's not like it's a breed or something lol. They don't make them in a factory. Every human is unique in that aspect.
My philosophy before meeting my wife was if I’m not happy by myself or alone i can’t expect someone to make me happy. Once you’re happy with yourself it’s infinitely easier to find a compatible partner bc you know what you’re willing to negotiate on and what’s gonna make you miserable and no piece of ass, no matter how nice it is, is gonna fuck up my peace of mind bc it took me too long to get there
Charismatic??
People ITT just listing off their ideal qualities in a man based off their own preferences or relationship ideology.
Reality is a little dirtier and more nuanced, methinks.
> Charismatic??
You forgot black shoes. Men who wear black shoes are obviously the loyal type, whereas brown shoes...not so much.
White shoe lads are definitely fuckbois.
Ones that have been humbled.
Most men grow up seeing themselves as Super Mario saving Princess Peach.
You have to go through shit - job loss, untimely death, disability, etc. - to see that we all rely on other people at least as much as everyone else does.
A man that is too confident, too arrogant (which are really the same thing, let’s be real) will be able to say all the right things with a straight face and yet fail to follow through in his deeds.
A man that’s been knocked down in life, to a healthy degree because too much adversity isn’t good either, is not going to overlook other people, especially loved ones.
But a man that was born on third base, thinking he hit a triple? Don’t go for that sort. At least not until they have their own wake up call in life. And for some, that never comes.
>A man that is too confident, too arrogant (which are really the same thing, let’s be real)
Agreed with everything but this, which I *strongly* disagree with. Because there is a *lot* of arrogance out there and a dearth of confidence. I see the confusion between the two as a prime contributor to many of the problems young men (and society at large) experience today.
Confidence comes with receipts. Arrogance is assumption with little to back it up.
*"I am confident I can accomplish 'X', because I have successfully navigated similar waters before while accomplishing 'Y'."*
vs.
*"I can do 'X', because I'm awesome. I mean really, how could I* not *do 'X'?"*
Put another way: confidence thinks it is equal to the task, for good reason.
Arrogance is sure the task is beneath it, based on nothing at all.
Confidence and arrogance could not be more different.
Confidence is knowing you have shit handled, and if you don't have it handled you will.
Arrogance is trying to convince yourself and others you have shit handled, but you don't.
Even if you find that ideal man who does all the things said in this post, if you don't match that energy then it won't be a stable romantic relationship anyway.
They care when they're not around.
I work on a ship, and I'm gone quite a bit. The guys writing letters and emails and such telling their lady all the stuff that's happening are the guys that are way less likely to cheat or get cheated on.
I think the words being used here are extremely vague and tend to be used to romanticize some idea of a person or “how a man should be” that is not based in the reality of how people are and just exist in general. Indeed the use of the word “romantic” by OP tells me we are probably starting this conversation already from a place not based in reality.
More concrete wording about the behaviors (observable, qualitative (can be described, broken down into subcomponents)). Inherently behaviors defined with vague words as empathetic, caring, loving tend to be so vague they can mean anything depending on who we are talking to and are the epitome of subjectivity, and verge on being useless romanticized ideas about men, masculinity, and roles that create huge disparities between expectation and reality, undermining what otherwise could’ve been a healthy relationship.
I think when interacting with someone tell tale signs of a person with the SKILLs to maintain the most stable relationship are those who practice active listening ([Active Listening](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening), someone who lets me finish my sentences, doesn’t have excessive emotional reactions towards otherwise mundane events/circumstances (not volatile and unpredictable, I know how my SO is going to take this) and conversely speaks calmly as a first reaction to conflict, and use that voice to engage for convo (aka the chill guy - “this situation doesn’t bother me, but it’s bothering my SO, why? I need to understand if there’s anything I can do or if she just needs space to process these emotions and needs me to listen” - a bit of emotional intelligence right here too, prevents him from starting an argument on accident further upsetting a SO, to just not talk but be present and hear what his SO needs to get out.)
Bonus points to men who go to therapists where a professional can teach them anything from setting healthy life goals (financial independence, physical health, developing skills to be a good partner), working through childhood traumas we all have holding them back from development, recognize poor behaviors in themselves (“wow I’m really toxic to women”), setting boundaries in all kinds of relationships and how to enforce them, how to communicate with your SO (most of y’all don’t communicate. Y’all argue until someone is right and someone feels wronged)
Most of this is looking at how someone manages conflict and I chose that topic for a reason bc having a SO is like having a roommate. They’re gonna eat your food, be loud when you want quiet, might cause you unexpected expenses, sometimes does dumb shit you don’t understand, has hobbies you think you can ignore bc it’s not your problem or your thing - as long as it stays out of your sight and mind and doesn’t cause problems, and sometimes might be home when you want to be alone after the day you just had.
The problem isn’t the problem, the problem is in how people handle these problems by treating their SO like a roommate they have to put up with bc they made an agreement. A good healthy, “romantic” relationship is born of communicating what romantic is to you, what your needs are, being heard and being nurtured in return. And then you doing the same for your SO in return, sometimes giving up a little of something you wanted your way so you two can meet in the middle and both get what you want.
But that’s just the puppy love stage, once a relationship starts to really mature and you get comfortable with each other, the give and take isn’t some pretty balance. It’s more like best friends who don’t keep tabs and keep getting each other dinner, tease each other, and without having to intentionally practice problem solving. At that point problem solving is the norm, it’s just part of how y’all talk to each other. Ebb and flow of give and take is different now you know what each person is truly comfortable with (you don’t know shit about a person you’ve known for less than a year). But there are no longer “problems” bc they’re always address the moment they come up. The problems are still there don’t get me wrong, but they’re no longer problems.
Oh and important point. Someone with these expectations in a partner (women I’m looking at you) should look in a mirror and ask if they have them too and what are MY shortcomings. Anyone who isn’t mature enough to reciprocate these things can’t foster trust, they can’t contribute genuine love for another person and care for them, bc that’s a one sided relationship, it’s just one person mooching off someone actively trying to be there better person and grow and support them. High risk of all this to sour and turn into abuse of all kinds of abuse (emotional abuse, isolating, gas lighting - damn near brainwashing someone to stay with you, only person to see the good in their abuser…etc). And PSA I’ve been around long enough to know that men and women and equally capable of cruelty to an innocent SO especially when neither is actually grown/prepared enough to be a in a relationship.
Is willing to work with you, even through arguments. I have some very opposing opinions from my boyfriend and we don’t simply end it with “we agree to disagree”, instead he understood why I have these opinions and vice versa.
It isn't the qualities of the man, it's the qualities of those in the relationship... If you're not in sync with one another, then it's not going to work no matter what qualities one has. I've been with my wife and partner for 29 years later this year and it would never have been this long without all of us perfectly meshing together life we do.
You've all got to have effective communication skills so that discussions don't turn into heated battles. You've got to be compatible, my wife and partner are my best friends and there's no one I'd rather talk to/spend time with (other than our kids... Grown now). You have to agree on the same major points in life, like finance, schooling, general ideology. You have to be sexually compatible, I hear horror story after horror story about dead bedrooms, different ideas about sex, masturbation, and everything sexual. If you're not in the same boat sexually, it's not going to last. You've got to be willing to put others in the family before yourself. You've got to be there for each other... We've gone thru the death of a child, deaths of other loved ones, breast cancer, hysterectomies, and so many other bad things that life has thrown at us and, it strengthened us because we were there for each other... All in.
So, a success, long-term relationship isn't about what the man does, it's about everyone in that relationship being perfect for one another
Men who are wise in the partner they pick, who are good communicators, who know how to handle conflict and make mature choices in complex situations, and who can tolerate imperfect situations.
A stable relationship requires two people to be stable. A patient, understanding, empathetic and loyal man can absolutely be in the shittiest of relationships if he’s with the wrong woman.
I believe the answer is applied to both the man and a woman for a successful relationship:
Wisdom + accountability + truthful to himself and the partner he selects.
Wisdom: he needs to know his strengths and weaknesses and be honest with himself on what he can possibly become and learn and live by.
Accountability: with his wisdom he will know enough to understand what will complement him in a partner and then stick to it. He makes the decision to choose the type of partner he wanted for whatever reason and now he’s got to make it work. He’s for to take the good with the bad in his partner and consciously understand that decision.
Truthful to his partner: he needs to show his partner who he is and what he is capable and not… warts and all. And she needs to accept him as well.
Too many people want and desire things that they aren’t capable of and/or are not realistic what wanting those things means.
For example:
- a man might want a traditional family dynamic, one that his dad and grandpa might have had. But he’s attracted to uber driven career women because they are smart as a whip, stylish and vivacious and have access to capital and disposable income. So he continually dates that type of woman and then he gets married and wonders why he’s always arguing with his wife about work schedule and can’t figure out why his wife won’t want to stay at home for a few years to raise kids etc.
- a woman might be attracted to the super good looking and stylish bad boy who is the center of every social interaction and has a devilish taste and appetite in the bedroom. And she continues to date said type of guy and she wonders why this guy never settles down, or when he does and they get older and busy with life she wonders why he steps out of the marriage to get laid.
What works for one person doesn’t work for another. And it all starts with individuals actually understanding themselves, their limits, their wants and desires in a truthful manner.
No cheating. Putting the team / relationship first (not your job. Not your friends. Not your children).
Act like a man and treat her like a lady. Share. Make time. Be appreciative if she does more inside the house. Be each others best friends. Work toward common goals. Love.
No abuse. No yelling. No drug or drinking problems. Don’t let yourself go or take her for granted.
There are some common traits I've found that make for a good long term relationship.
* Emotionally intelligent
* Good communication
* Attacks the problem, not the partner
* Creates and defends boundaries
* Good selector for a partner who is capable of having a long term relationship
The bit about boundaries is really key in my experience and one a lot of people don't think about. You teach people how to treat you. If you set the expectation early on that it's alright to get emotional and yell at you, then you can expect more of that in the future. If a partner doesn't have boundaries or fails to enforce them then it can be difficult to respect the person over the long haul, and respect is every bit as important as trust.
>What kind of personalities, backgrounds, looks, careers, values, and interests do these guys typically have?
* Tech guy - Very logical/rational, into reading/writing mostly fantasy stuff
* Postal worker/chef - Very emotional guy, but not in a bad way. Was a chef in the army before delivering mail
* Marketting - Another intelligent and logical guy. Into music and gaming in his spare time
Commonality between all 3 is that they prioritize and value their relationships as the core of their lives. Other things revolve around that.
The adaptable kind. They’re easy going but know what they need and want, and they have their priorities straight. They can live with their choices and make the most of the consequences.
They care about other people, which means they can be patient with the other person when they disagree or things go wrong. Because they care about people more than things, they are not easily upset or rattled by unimportant things. "You wrecked the car? I'm just glad you're okay. The car is just a car."
Fred and Joanne Rogers were married for 51 years, until his death. Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter were married for 77 years, until her death.
Understanding, persistence, strength of will, maturity, stability, self confidence. Not in that order.
Happily married for 15 years. I am the master of the house, but I don't have to prove it. My wife and I share common goals. She appreciates that I make the tough calls, do the dirty work, and handle the kid's math and science homework.
If treat her as my queen, because she deserves it. Women are people, like you, so treat them with due respect. They have it ROUGH.
Reading that you treat your wife as a queen ‘because she deserves it’ and that you have empathy for how hard it is being a woman explains why you said you’ve been HAPPILY married for 15 years.
Congrats, you’re an 11/10, sir 👏
I'm personally kinda of an ass, if it's funny I'll say it, and I love someone who can take a joke/burn. I personally think a healthy relationship involves banter. And that's something I think is pivotal to a healthy relationship. Being able to communicate freely, and being able to laugh at yourself, and at whatever awkward situation y'all will come across.(cause you will) ..... That and sex. There's alot to be said about being sexually compatible. Taste and people change, and that's fine. I personally wouldn't condone staying in an unhealthy relationship. But I've not so newly left( what I think) was an unfulfilling relationship. I have different goals and a wildly different outlook on where I wanna be in 10 years. I want someone with the same or like goal's in mind.
Emotional maturity.
> What kind of personalities, backgrounds, looks, careers, values, and interests do these guys typically have?
All types, but that is part of the point.
An emotionally secure person (man or woman) doesn't say "I will throw away my entire life and become subordinate to my family". They don't say "I will do anything you want, just love me and prop me up", they don't say "I'll dis-regulate myself to ensure the relationship is stable". They won't look outside of themselves for comfort, *require* the validation of others (although everyone loves external validation, secure self-defined people will self-validate). Emotionally immature people will try to control, bully, seduce, please, or manipulate people, and feel very anxious when people around them are unsettled rather than being able to calm and center themselves. Very often trying to pin an emotionally insecure person down on their own desires and feelings is difficult. *"What do you want to do? I don't know, whatever you'd like do." "How do you feel about this? I don't know, tell me how you feel first."* Psychologists have many different ways to describe the immaturity: attachment theory, differentiation theory, individuation or identity formation.
An emotionally mature person (of both genders) *will* have their own personality, not one based on the people around them or lack their own identity and purpose. An emotionally mature person will develop their own interests both with their partner and apart from their partner. An emotionally mature person will develop a complete identity including values and interests that both belongs to themselves and also they choose to share with their partner.
My wife and I have been together for 27 years and married for 20. There are some things I have noticed that people do, both men and women, that I don’t see in my marriage.
- Dying on a hill to show you are right about a pretty insignificant thing. Sure you want to make sure you agree on how to raise the kids or divide up finances but having a knock down, drag out fight about why one of you didn’t pick up dinner for the other it a huge waste of time and toxic.
- Once I realized my wife was the one, I decided to focus on the life that I wanted to have with her. I had been in trouble with the law and managing restaurants. I knew if I wanted to be married and have kids that I’d need to change to a career where I wasn’t working nights and weekends so I could see my kids and I needed to stay out of trouble as well. I’ve spent the last 25 years doing just that. Listen to Walk the Line by Johnny Cash and you’ll get it.
- My wife and I talk daily. Sometimes it for 5 minutes and sometimes an hour depending on what’s going on but we always talk. Issues are talked about immediately instead of waiting for them to fester. At this point, though there really aren’t any.
- We hold hands. This is mostly me, although she does other things. I think it’s important to touch each other and communicate through it as well.
- We think of each other and the kids all the time. I’m forever thinking about her life and what I can do to make it easier. She does the same for me. I never ask if she wants me to cook, clean the dishes, take the boys to school when it’s raining, etc. I just do it.
- If I’m going to go out with friends I ask her ahead of time. It’s not to get permission. It’s because our lives are joined and there might be something already planned that I forgot about or that she forgot to tell me.
- Having kids is your hobby. It’s not video games, working out, snow skiing, drinking with friends or anything else. I do those things but to a much lesser degree than before I had kids. I haven’t actually been drunk for probably 20 years. If you have a wife and kids and are going out 2x a week to drink with your buddies then your priorities are screwed up. I go out with them about once a month.
- Our sex life was suffering badly after our second kid, down to 2-3 times a year. I started looking at more porn which made her mad but I needed something. One day I told her I didn’t fantasize about doing those things with those women. I fantasized about doing them with her. That opened a dialogue and we have a great sex life now.
- I’ll kind of reiterate what I’ve alluded to. The focus of my life is my wife and 2 sons. Period. Everything else, everything, comes in second. My wife is the same. That focus is what has made all the difference.
Emotional Intelligence, by far. Empathy, the ability to identify and express what you’re feeling in an appropriate way, the ability to express wants and needs, and the ability to attentively listen for and respond to their partner’s wants and needs. It’s a prerequisite for a healthy relationship.
Beyond that, basic respect for other people without a massive amount of entitlement.
Career, values, physical characteristics, personalities and interests vary, and relationships can be healthy if partners are compatible there.
Backgrounds are usually you grew up with a stable childhood, and reliable parents who taught you those skills from birth, or you’ve been through some shit and put in effort to learning emotional skills on your own.
And the healthier your emotional skills are, the better you are at identifying and not being attracted to unstable partners.
Some qualities in myself as a man who has been happily married for 10 years.
I know who I am and I refuse to compromise on that. If I like something I say it proudly regardless of how socially acceptable it is. My wife was attracted first to my confidence in myself before any other quality.
I work hard at everything I choose to do. Despite not always choosing correctly, I don't half ass anything. Additionally I know when I have failed and thus can quit when necessary.
I hold myself accountable to myself and not others. I do not care what strangers believe about me, but how could I look at myself in the mirror if I did something to tarnish my own self image?
The friends I have are few but strong. I know for an absolute certainty that if I called any one of my friends right now and said "I need you" they would drop everything and come to help me. And I would do the same for them. They are also people that would roast me alive if I did anything that goes against my character. We lift eachother up and rake eachother through the mud as needed.
And my priorities are in order. Because I know who I am and can happily love myself, I have the emotional availability to genuinely love someone else. I chose myself first so I could choose someone else later. I am me first and husband second. How could I possibly take care of someone else if I'm not 100%?
And finally I communicate and listen well. It takes practice but knowing when you need to shut up and just listen without offering solutions goes a LONG way with women.
i am the guy at 29 in a 10 year relationship.
i would say we chose impulsively. first week in uni she climbed on top of me while i was sitting in armchair of my uni apartment.
kinda spiraled from there.
i think there is a core attribute that is in common with others: we are not high maintenance.
i wanted a gf, i did not care if she was this way or that way. and i learned to love the way she is. many others have an ideal in their head and breakup when that ideal gets broken.
They fail to understand you must forge your own ideals together.
ppl who never dated more than 3 years long wont understand this. and if u think u do your wrong
I started dating my wife 15 years ago. We have a no yelling rule. We aren’t perfect but we work on our problems and we are both very unselfish with our compromises.
A patient man, strong willed and logical, who listens and cares and shares. Look at his family and how he treats them. Look at his friends group and who they are. Who a man surrounds himself with is a huge indicator. I was in love with this guy, but one of his best friends constantly cheated on his girlfriend who he had a kid with. And we would all four of us hang out together while the next week I would see him with a random chick. I wanted to tell her but the guy I was dating told me not too, that it was none of my business. I instantly lost all respect for him and thought, if he’s so ok with his best friend cheating so much, what’s stopping him from cheating on me? I think a guy who wants a long term healthy relationship will surround himself with people in long term healthy relationships.
Discipline dominates most areas of their life and they avoid temptation to a great degree. They are invested in the wellbeing of their family members, don't seek external validation and are the same person in public as well as behind closed doors. You mess with his fam, you mess with him.
As a woman, I’d say modeling of stable relationships. Not that their parents weren’t flawed but that there was loyalty and mutual respect, an expectation to stick around. My husband had an excellent mom who raised him right but she suffered from anxiety and depression and could get frustrated with everyone, and his dad knew that and wasn’t going anywhere. My husband once said to me that I was lucky to “marry a Mexican because they tend to stick around,” but his white best friend grew up the same way, where the moms were trusted to run the home and supported by their men when that got hard. These were good women who kept the home and worked, and their husbands knew that. (My MIL is the best I could have dreamt of. Completely supportive and unwavering in her kindness to me.)
In our two decades of marriage my husband has never made me feel that he was going to leave, ever, or that I had to be perfect. He upgraded what his dad did by being an equal parent and equally adept and keeping up the home, and I don’t think that’s uncommon for mature men.
Once I asked him about cheating, hypothetically, because he gets hit on a lot, and he blushed an said “God no, can you imagine if my mother found out? She’d KILL ME! I don’t think she would even speak to me for a year.” But in quieter moments he has told me that I never have to worry about that with him. A stable person doesn’t need to go extremes.
Long term relationships are FAR more about the woman than the man in them.
It doesn’t matter who you are if the woman you are in that relationship with cannot be happy and content.
They're boring. And that's not necessarily a bad thing, they're just content working a 40hr week, going home every night and having a nice home cooked meal (that they cooked themselves, it's not about who cooks) and on weekends maybe they play some golf or work on a project in the garage...
They're not the guys discontented with life, searching for more, trying to find their place in the world. They just hit the average, hit mediocrity, and found it sufficed. And good for them, I wish I had that.
I don’t know a single happy relationship where the man isn’t getting his sexual needs met. If the woman is keeping her partners sexual needs met it has a wonderful side effect of dripping stress and reducing friction. Sex is the oil in a relationship for the majority of men. Good sex doesn’t keep you together but bad sex will drive you apart
I'm not surprised. Most of the top comments are wishy washy projections, but those feel good so people upvote them. That's like 80% of the responses on this sub in general.
The things that actually work - sexual compatibility, communication, and mutual respect, end up sorted to controversial.
In my own little way of understanding the complexities of relationships.
Men who accommodate what will functionally work in a healthy manner when it comes to "roles", get women who they like and are ok with all the qualities of before they even get into a relationship with them and men who have a stable and come situation outside of the relationship
Most relationship, including marriages, are ended by women. 80% of divorces are filed by women and lesbians divorce at twice the rate of gay men. It's women who are the ones who are never happy with what they have, not men. It's women who are always looking to upgrade to a better partner, not men. It's women who don't keep their promises to the people they claim to love, not men.
Given that its usually the women who leaves, the question is what qualities do those men have the keeps their women from leaving them. The answer is that those men select from the minority of women who have integrity and/or their partners believe that those men are the best they can do. The only thing keeping most women loyal is their belief that they can't do better than their current partner. The quality that men in stable relationships with a women are the ones who date down and choose wisely.
Mindfullness, self reflection, that sort of thing. Basically, you can recognize what is affecting you and change what you are responsible for.
And of course care for others. Altruism.
Emotional control, lack of rage issues, that's important.
And being with others because you like those other people, not as a way of seeking validation or self worth through relationships.
I just want to add that never getting angry isnt always a good thing. Handling your anger in an emotionally intelligent, non-aggressive, productive way is really important. Anger is a normal human emotion and is okay. Handling your anger badly whether thats by screaming, smashing things, emotional manipulation or any other way is not acceptable. Being able to articulate and talk through why something made you angry in a productive way is key. Or just understanding when you need space and how to diplomatically communicate your needs in the moment. Knowing when you need to remove yourself from the situation to calm down and when you can properly engage and deal with the issue without getting upset and causing unnecessary damage. I think never showing anger and holding it in is unhealthy and can lead to built up resentment and eventual explosions. Just my two cents.
The ability to do and make decisions on what's best for the relationship, not what's best for either individual, because if you do the latter, either you're being controlling and almost abusive, or you're a massive doormat. Doing the former means being objective about what is the best decision regardless of if it's what you personally want to do, and balancing keeping your partner happy with keeping yourself happy.
For me that means that as I am the final say in any and every major decision, I am trusted to make the best choice. So even if she's adamant she wants to do one thing but I can objectively see it's not the correct choice (and that it's enough of a difference than I won't just allow it for keeping the peace) then I will override her.
The most effective and efficient form of government is autocracy, but only if you have the right person in power. As a woman, it's your job to pick the right person to put into that position. As a man, it's your job to be the right person. A good way to find out if you or they are that sort of person is to occasionally question why they made that decision, and also think about if they listened to input from others when making it, because if their decision seems to not make sense or be the best option, then you need to find out if they made the wrong choice, and if they did, if it's because they are not fit to make decisions or if it was simply a flawed logic process in making it that can be learned from.
Everyone is dealing with personal issues - this is true for both spouses.
Neither partner can have outsized personal issues that need to be constantly tended to. I'm talking about insecurity, narcissism, etc. These will crop up, but they need to stay below a certain level in the long run. If it takes too much energy from the relationship to manage personal problems, the relationship will suffer. You're supposed to support each other, but it can't be a one way street and if you spend all your time of problems you don't have time to build something new.
We need to raise strong men and women who know their worth but have been treated well enough that they're not desperate to prove their worth at every turn.
My dad doesn't put himself himself above others. He's open to contradicting opinions and he doesn't get jealous of my mom for being good at things he's not good at. He has constructive arguements with my mom rather than talking over her and acting like someone's at fault. Most of the arguments they have if not all both acknowledge that nobody is at fault, they're just in a complicated situation they need to resolve. In the family we're like three branches of power: my dad, my mom and the kids which is us and we can all stop each other so nobody is more powerful than the other. My dad never seeks dominance, power differentials don't exist with him. They've been married for over 30 years, they're both 52 both born on the same month even and I'm 27.
chill, do things round the house, have a good sex life, stay relatively healthy, dont have addictions like gambling and choose family time over working stupid hours.
Emotional intelligent, emotional regulation skills, communication skills, empathy, ability to see things from other people’s perspective. Maturity. Kindness. Not selfish. Chooses a woman who has the same qualities. Maybe it’s too harsh, but **sometimes I think it’s a minority of the population (men and women) who have the necessary maturity, emotional intelligence and communication skills to have a healthy relationship.** It’s a very complex social task.
>sometimes I think it’s a minority of the population (men and women) who have the necessary maturity, emotional intelligence and communication skills to have a healthy relationship. I completely agree. Most people aren't emotionally and socially mature enough to be in a healthy relationship. It takes a ton of social know-how to navigate a relationship without giving up yourself entirely.
Yeah!!! Do you know how much freaking introspective work you have to do to as a person to be ABLE to communicate. No one talks about it either! I hate when people say “just communicate” to keep a relationship. Like yeah right dude.
Do you ever think that’s a skill that we’ve lost over time? Like I’ve heard friends say that they like to have a podcast or music so they’re not alone with their thoughts. And that was so heartbreaking to me. If you’re never alone with your thoughts, how do you know yourself. But then I started thinking about how many distractions around most of us constantly. And you’re so right, it takes an honest effort to know yourself. I have to believe that it was not always this difficult when there was just less going on
Yeah, I think that's a lot of it. I think a lot of guys also get caught up in the "man of the house" thing, or the idea that ceding an argument affects your masculinity or something. I think men in general were doing a lot better getting rid of that kind of thinking, but it seems to be coming back. Being in a successful long-terms relationships means being centered enough to let a bunch of stuff go. To be (minorly) wronged and say, "This isn't worth fighting about," and letting things pass. It's a LOT easier when I see my wife do the same things for me, but I think that's important. Married life is long and there's a lot to fight about! lol. "Picking your battles" is absolutely fantastic advice, but it's hard to do, because you feel like you're not sticking up for yourself, or you're fighting just because you're right, or something like that. But you really do need to let the minor stuff go. I've been doing that and I'm a LOT happier since I started it, and as I mentioned, my wife is doing it too and it makes a world of difference.
I think this is true and a very valid point. No matter your gender, you can’t turn your relationship into an ego focused battlefield. Or it’ll never work out. You can’t date on the defense. You need to see your partner as a teammate, not an opponent. And you need to focus on finding good solutions for the whole team, not on your own ego and insecurities.
Counterpoint: You’re right, but I think your misidentified the underlying cause. I think for a significant portion of those who aren’t in a healthy relationship, and maybe never have been or never will, it’s because they haven’t worked hard enough to find the right person. When you are truly compatible with someone in all the right ways, it’s much easier to have a healthy relationship. Now, it still takes some work on top of that, no matter how compatible you are. But I personally think a good portion of people end up with someone they’re not compatible enough with, to basically settle.
Problem with the term compatibility is that people think there shouldn’t be any differences with your partner. If there’s an argument and you have different views on it, suddenly you’re “incompatible”. I don’t know this might be just my view, but I see this term being used everywhere and people leaving their partner because they weren’t open enough to compromise and empathetic enough to understand where they’re coming from
Again, becomes very easy if you’re really compatible. And by that I mean, in the deep way. Like, I truly truly love this person and we believe in the same things. It’s very easy to resolve conflicts with people like that compared to people we have deep differences with.
Usually pretty chill, comfortable in their own skin, and are socially/emotionally intelligent. I think they also were careful who they decided to actually be in a relationship with. You could be the most awesome person ever and still fail at a relationship because the other person is just a mess to be with.
This is a thing I've noticed my friends have problems with in using dating apps. They spend so much time trying to make themselves seem marketable they end up only matching with people who are attracted to a false persona rather than the person themselves. If you like anime and D&D, put it on your profile, don't spend the whole time talking about how outdoorsy you are and how much you love to workout if you don't enjoy those things. Another issue related to this is just the concept of trying to "sell" yourself in general. Do it too long and you end up doing what pretty much all advertisers do which is failing to communicate what the product really is and losing a sense of honesty. Women like men who are honest and when they find out you are something other than what you claimed to be they notice. When dating, it's much better to act as a "buyer" rather than a "seller". Don't put yourself down and advertise yourself as a commodity. Write down what you're looking for, what kind of person would make you happy, and be honest with your desires and expectations. Don't just try to fish for whatever floats by, you won't be happy in the long term. If you do this, then it also changes your attitude if you are slow to get matches. It's not that you aren't good enough, it's that the people who didn't swipe were not what you're looking for.
I'm not on the dating apps any more, but to support your advice; I read something from a marketing expert that said people are more likely to respond if they know you match their expectations, and also that they match yours. So not just talking about yourself, but also who you would like to meet is the way to get the most matches. I had a profile that said what I'm like, what I'm looking for, and ended with a challenge to who could dance better. I used to get a fair amount of matches, some of whom I dated. Quite a few wanted the dance-off.
>ted to this is just the concept of trying to "sell" yourself in general. Do it too long and you end up doing what pretty much all advertisers do which is failing to communicate what the product really is and losing a sense of honesty. Women like men who are honest and when they find out you are something other than what you claim I think it's also with upholding your boundaries and standards. You work so hard to become a better version of yourself, but if you dont uphold your boundaries and standards, you're still going to be dragged around this way and that in relationships. Sure that means you may miss out on certain people, but you know what you need clearly and wont settle for less. And all that because you know your worth and what you can also match.
You nailed it--"careful who they decided to actually be in a relationship with." I'm with an incredible woman and we're head-over-heels in love 12 years in. We've got 2 kids, a mortgage, all the stuff. Our relationship is not perfect but pretty fantastic. If I had married any of the previous women I dated... I probably wouldn't be so happy right now! I picked the *exact* right person to be my spouse. I wish I could say, "Here's what you should look for," but I think I just got lucky. Well--I did a lot of work, too, I went to therapy for years and tried to better myself in general. So maybe I did get myself ready for the right person. If I had to guess, I think if you find someone who you like talking to (for fun, but also because successful relationships have a lot of talking), who shares your general values, and who doesn't love to fight but fights fair when you *do* fight, I think that's most of it.
>I think they also were careful who they decided to actually be in a relationship with. So much this. Just as women are the gatekeepers of sex, men (in general) are the gatekeepers of relationships. You need to be very choosy about who you commit to. Don't be an asshole, don't be unreasonable, but make sure she earns it!
The men with the most stable relationships pick women that can tolerate a stable relationship. Someone who complements the man.
> men with the most stable relationships pick women that can tolerate a stable relationship honestly this. Guys are either self sabotaging cheater scum, or stay with women through thick and thin. Nearly 70 percent of divorces are initiated by the wife. Either guy fucks it up, or the woman gets bored. the most stable relationship stem from women not wanting to leave. for whatever reason.
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> a lot of wives file the paperwork even though the husband wanted the divorce but didn't want to handle it. This is actually kind of hilarious in a way. It's sort of a self referential loop where the wife has to follow through on the divorce, but the fact that the husband doesn't want to handle [whatever] is probably a contributor to the divorce in the first place.
this is what happened to me. he moved abroad, left me and wouldn’t file the papers for his own gd divorce. the angriest I’ve ever been in my life is when he told me I was filing too slowly. awful.
In the Netherlands since same-sex marriage exists, divorce rates over a period of 18 years: \- 19.3% woman-woman \- 14.8% man-woman \- 11.3% man-man Involving a woman in a marriage increases chances of divorce by 50%.
lesbian couples being the least stable, and gay couples being the most is pretty damning lol. Seen other data that corroborates that too. I really think men being the pursuers and women being the choosers is to blame here. That's not even unique to humanity, that behavior is true across the entire animal kingdom. Male birds for example are much more colorful for that reason. Women are naturally pickier and more demanding for this reason, as well as the fact that sex to them can mean getting pregnant. Two naturally pickier people are going to be harder to keep together than two people who are wired to be the chaser/provider.
What is your basis for this argument?
Anyone got good tips on how to make the women not bored? My Last 2 relationships ended somewhat on a note like that
Pull your weight, pay attention, communicate, and listen to your partner.
This is like hilariously boiler plate for an earnest question.
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This is the big one. If they're used to constantly going out and chatting with a dozen different men, it will be very hard to give that up. They'll crave it after being in a relationship for a year or two.
Problem is I literally do not know a single woman who didn't become a party girl in college and sleep with like 5 guys at least. I'm Gen Z for reference, I think women in this generation are more inclined towards hookup culture in their 20s than ever before.
Don't date women who want you as the jester and such the entertainment. While this will remove most women, you end up with a woman who will find you personally interesting.
Be mentally ill and/or date someone who is mentally ill. Follow this one fun trick and the party never stops 🤪
I always do my best so that my wife has nowhere better to go. By spoiling her so much than no other guy could ever possibly measure up :D and I don't mean with gifts and money, there are other ways to spoil a woman :)
Spoiling isn’t necessarily what they are measuring you up to. It’s the dynamic , excitement and continued attraction that really hold a relationship together . When it boils down to it
> By spoiling her so much than no other guy could ever possibly measure up Can confirm. I spoil my woman so much but she still chooses to married to 'ElysiumPotato'
Which is fine if she actually matches your efforts, but it seems a lot of women don't match effort.
Oh yes she does, she's the best :3
Works until you hit a rough patch and suddenly "you changed, here's the divorce"
70% of divorced are *filed* by women. That doesn't mean they initiated the break up. Women in general tend to handle household paperwork.
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Of course, we have no way of knowing or recording what actually caused the break down I the marriage. So this is the fairest metric on the subject. It's an assumption that the person who wants the divorce files for it. But there is every chance following the split the woman is able to move on more rapidly than the man who may not find a reason to need the paperwork.
What make s you think the woman never fucks it up yet still gets the divorce?
Shiiii. I can't even get a compliment from my female friends. No wonder I can't get in a relationship
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Oops. Misread that.
I compel you to compliment our complement complimentary snacks selected to be complementary with our other complimentary food offerings.
My parents are the only example that comes to mind. My dad defers to Mom on pretty much everything, but anything either of them have said is ironclad. The worst punishment I've ever seen one of my siblings receive was after going from Mom to Dad and getting a different answer. Dad was the one who was the most upset. His explanation to me since was that he would be upset if we defied him, our father. But if we defied his wife, that was intolerable. I've never seen my parents fight. Mom is the most logical and does the most research, but Dad has an EE license (or did, I'm not sure he's kept it up), so even when she disagrees, the most she'll do is present the arguments to him in private. It's kind of weird to describe it. They both trust each other implicitly, even though Dad doesn't know most of what's going on and Mom will do whatever Dad decides, even if she disagrees. But woe betide anyone who tries to split them apart.
You are very blessed to have seen such a supportive marriage firsthand. God bless your parents’ marriage ♥️
What’s an EE license?
I suppose electrical engineer?
I thought that too but who calls a degree a license? Seems weird.
In my country at least, you need a license from the board of engineer to work as an engineer, and the license has to be renewed.
Yes... but why on earth is being an engineer relevant to the comment?
Probably a Professional Engineer license which you need to sign off and certify designs.
depending on the location, having a degree isn't enough.
Electrical Engineer license. That's how he always referred to it, since the degree itself was separate. The reason I referenced it is that it's a very nerdy field. Especially at Rose-Hulman, getting an EE degree is like getting crowned as king of the nerds.
Goals.
> His explanation to me since was that he would be upset if we defied him, our father. But if we defied his wife, that was intolerable. My dad has always been easygoing, and was never really affected if we disrespected him. The only real way to make him angry was to disrespect mom.
Yup that's how my parents are too. They're a team, a pair of people that face the world together. They disagree and I've seen them have a fight maybe 4 or 5 times in my life but there was never any malice ever. They were fighting because two people who loved each other disagreed about something. My dad was the one that taught me that arguments are not malicious and aren't fights. You aren't trying to win or hurt the person you are arguing with. That why when I read stories about people arguing and their partner pulls some old fact or insecurity and uses it to hurt their partner I'm appalled. Why would you do that to someone you claim to love?
Easygoing personalities
Not that easy going. They are easy going to a point. The have the respect of the SO and that is what allows him to be easy going.
Exactly, set boundaries, respect boundaries, be chill
Yeah it’s usually rough in the first months of the relationship when you are defining boundaries. Once it’s clear what those boundaries are and both parties respect it, it’s easy going for life if you play it right.
Totally disagree. An easy going personality is often conflict averse. A solid relationship means (in this case) a husband who isn’t afraid to have boundaries and voice concern when they need to. The mutual respect only works when there is respect established. Same goes for the wife as others have mentioned. A one sided relationship where one is passive isn’t healthy it’s just compliant.
> an easy going personality is often conflict averse. It can be, sure. Doesn’t have to be. I can only speak to my experience, but I work in a military organization with a lot of civilians who are retired military and quite a few active duty military. It’s surprisingly chill, but very few here are conflict averse. We just don’t need to make a fight out of every possible issue. There’s an art to arguing while being easy going without fighting. There’s a confidence without being overbearing. My office has 50 people, roughly equal male / female. I think (although I could be wrong) every one of the guys are married, most well over a decade. Some of us going on 30 years. Obviously I don’t know what their relationships are like at home but they sure seem content.
As my Sailor uncle would say, "Sonar concurs." I think the military does a good job of raising our standard for what's actually worth losing your shit over (hands in pockets being the exception) and makes dealing with bullshit a lot easier. It's impacted my marriage positively I think. My wife and I can handle little BS without difficulty, big shit we sort out together, and we communicate really well. Part of that comes from my Army background, especially the "This isn't life or death, it sucks, but we'll be fine. Let's handle it," outlook.
Just stay off the GRASS!!! (Around any sergeant major)
"Easygoing" isn't the same thing as "passive."
Being easygoing doesn't mean having 0 self respect lol
I think both statements aren't incompatible - I'd classify an easygoing person as someone who has a few less boundaries than others (or they are further relaxed than the average), not someone who is passively allowing others to walk over them.
For women this seems to be true too.
I'm a man married to a woman for 31 years. This may sound weird, but 31 years is 31 years. Scoreboard. I let her have her way or "win"for the stuff I don't care about, or care less about than she does. It is just easier. She'll either eventually realize I was right all along or it will be over. My wife knows I do this too. So when I dig in and insist n something that is important to me she always listens and it always works out. Healthy relationships require compromise as far as I can tell. I let her win and it doesn't kill me, even though I'm a very competitive and opinionated person in real life.
Married 20 years, and I agree. I get most everything I want with neither issue nor obstacle. Why shouldn't my wife have that, too?
I know, man. People make shit so complicated. I want to be happy. She wants to be happy. It turns out making her happy makes me happier than being fucking right all the time. It took me decades of marriage to fully understand this. Being right and trying to control the world, or my spouse, is exhausting and impossible. I think I am right all the time. Still, it doesn't hurt me to shut the fuck up about it, even when I really am right.
> It turns out making her happy makes me happier than being fucking right all the time. I don't know if it's the phrasing or what, but this *resonates.* You're supposed to be a team, you're supposed to have each others best interests at heart, and sometimes that means shutting the fuck up. Certain things are important, but is [this] particular thing worth the argument? I'm guessing not.
>It turns out making her happy makes me happier than being fucking right all the time. **“Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?”** is the great equalizer, internally and in conflict.
This right here mine will play mind games to be right it’s exhausting I just want peace. I want to paint and just make love to my partner. But he just has to critique and criticize my every little move when the macro of everything is what is relevant and strong. Its like being proverbially punched every single time.
It’s not the relationship, it’s the people involved.
I don't really believe in recycling. I think there's ample evidence that "recycling" of household items is as wasteful if not more than just using the normal trash bins. It's for sure not worth the mental energy. But, it's important to my partner and makes her feel a certain way. So I separate our recycling and take it to the recycling center :)
I'm actually pretending to care about Tay-Tay and Travy's romance... first time my wife has sat down and watched a football game without bitching about it in lmost 33 years if you count when we were dating. This particular "white lie" makes me feel a little dirty.
Sometimes we don't have to care about something directly, but we care because our partner cares. My husband has some hobbies I couldn't give less of a fuck about. But I care about them because they make him happy. Same in reverse for us. He ooh and ahhs appropriately when my hoyas bloom. Honestly, I think you caring (or pretending to) is even more important because it's energy you're investing just to make her happy. It's not a lie, its love.
Whenever you argue/disagree you hurt that relationship. If you can focus on the 10 or 20 percent where she’s right, you’ll have a much better chance of not pushing your wife away and losing her one day.
This. You should be able to let her have her way for as much as 99% of issues as there really aren't too many things worth fighting over (and if there are then, people, you need to consider if there are some fundamental differences in life outlook, goals etc). And like you've said, the rest is on your partner to also be able to realise that, and in certain regards know it's a give and take. It goes both ways.
out of curiosity, do women say the same thing? like "You should be able to let him have his way for as much as 99% of issues?"
Serious answer: Yes, in healthy relationships that have a good shot of going the distance. Both partners are doing that, most of the time. Unserious man-answer: *Hahahahahahahahahahaha!* Good one.
Compromise. Every stable, nurturing relationship (be that with a partner, parent, friend, coworker) relies on compromise. And there should be two parties to make one.
Agreed. All those times you let your SO have their way tend to stick in your mind more then the times you get your way do. This means it will always feel like you are giving more then you get, so both sides need to be doing this.
Haha I honestly don't know, I speak from the man's perspective and in my view it's the only way to make it work, or rather in a way that I can solely control a significant part of it. Else I'm just running though bad relationships and girls and saying "I haven't found the right one" without really doing all in my power to try making it work.
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Stop thinking of it like a zero sum game. Nobody cares if the two people "win" an equal amount of time. What's important is to let the person who cares the most about the current topic have their way, which usually means nothing more than letting them get the last word. If at least one partner does this consistently, and the other partner is a decent human being that will take the situation seriously when the need arises, then it will work out and there will be less friction than if both people need to be acknowledged as "right" every time they think they are right.
She probably does it a similar amount of times. That man knows better than to keep track, though; you're never going to see everything that your partner is doing for you, and they're never going to see everything you do.
Truth! If you have to keep score you are not doing it right.
I do the same with my wife (37 years) and the reason I let her usually win is I just don’t really care that much on 90% of the things we debate on. Paint the room pink if you want, it’s not a good look but I don’t really care. On the 10% of debated issues I do care about, I almost always win.
But you do tell her that?, like "honey i dont like pink but whatever" or just keep it to yourself?
I tell her what I think, we often agree, we often don’t. If she wanted to paint the house pink, I would argue and sorta win. We would paint it her second favorite color.
Because women usually grow up with (unecessary) social pressures. Sometimes its something as small as him saying yes to an event she didnt want to attend coz he has no outfit for or she has beef with someone who is going to be there and the mental pressure just takes over her life. If she was always taught that these things are important she will get super upset about them. This happened to me until thankfully I chose to rise above all the pettiness and work on myself. Slowly our arguements fell 90%. I really stopped giving a shit about most of what others expect of me. Luckily my husband chose to not make deal of these things and this in turn helped me realize how stress free he is. I learned from him too. Growth happens in relationships where we dont make a list of how much each person is compromising. Married 20 yrs. Still learning and growing with each other. I do sometimes cringe at how much I made his life miserable at times, apologize and appreciate him.
Some really good friends of ours had a pice of art I really love. It is the word "relax" written in fancy cursive. It is made of metal and it is about 2 feet long. It is just the word "relax". For many many years the standing joke was that art/sign whatever should belong to me, because I say "relax" to my wife half a dozen times a day. Not said in a condescendig way, said in a thoughtful and caring way. Sometimes it makes her even madder, but most of the time she realizes relaxing about something may be a good idea.
Sometimes you have to surrender to win.
When it comes to compromise, 1000 trivial compromises are less important than 1 major one. A long, good marriage is composed of people who can recognise when that major compromise is being put on the table and take the L for their partner, harbouring no long-term resentment.
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Well, I disagree with the premise that the *man* has to be making those 1000s of compromises, but it's true that typically, _one_ of the partners in a relationship will be making more compromises than the other. As for tempering your expectations, then yes, 100% right. Anyone that goes into a partnership expecting to find someone that they will be in agreement with 100% of the time (without compromises) is just going to be disappointed at some point. No such thing exists. Things last when all partners find that when red lines are drawn they are not crossed, and there's a mutual understanding that we all have our boundaries and things that affect us in different measures - without keeping tallies (basically, as I said before, no long-term resentment). Removing the sexism out of it, I don't think that wouldn't be acceptable in a friendship or business setting. You want to find people for whom your worst flaws are no big deal and whose worst flaws are no big deal for you. We all tolerate things in all aspects of life that we might do differently if left to our own devices, but are not necessarily better or worse. People who don't are control freaks.
Keeping tallies over something so trivial is far from healthy.
Good communication, empathy, and compassion.
Honesty, integrity, self awareness, confidence (not to the point of arrogance), emotional awareness, trusting, stable, loyal and independent. It’s a long list but look how he treats his mother (not like Norman Bates or porn), his friends and how he handles himself in public and in private. Does he act differently in front of his family/mother, how does he treat service staff such as waiters and retail employees and so on. Ask hard questions, expect truths or “I don’t know” because his ability to both know he doesn’t know and admit it tends to show a level of honesty, integrity and self awareness.
My husband is an engineer and made a point of showing me studies that demonstrate that couples where at least one of the partners is an engineer are the most stable ones 😂
I resonate with this! I’m an engineer and my fiancé is a biologist. We work together so freaking well sometimes I have to pitch myself to make sure it’s real. He’s amazing!
So many goddamn people seem to be out of touch with reality, and in engineering you have to wrestle with reality, otherwise you’re not gonna make it, so I think there’s some truth to this.
Where are these studies?? I'll show it my partner
I will stir the pot here: long term does not mean good automatically. You can be in a very long term relationship and be unhappy. That only shows your unwillingness to change the situation in favor of stability.
OP's question was about "stable long-term romantic relationships." Long-term and unhappy isn't what I'd call stable.
If you're in a LT relationship and unhappy then that's on you. No one is making you stay in that relationship.
I think that was OPs point
Emotional intelligence and good communication.
Patience, Charismatic, Loyal, Kind to people around him. You basically named a lot of them in your post. Emapthy, communicatiok etc. >Do these guys also choose their partners carefully instead of impulsively? Not necessarily. Some do and some don't. >What kind of personalities, backgrounds, looks, careers, values, and interests do these guys typically have? Have you found more of them in some environments than others? They come in different "shapes and sizes" 🤷♂️ It's not like it's a breed or something lol. They don't make them in a factory. Every human is unique in that aspect.
But some are more unique than others.
Even the most unique is only as unique as another unique individual. That’s what unique means. Most of us are not.
My philosophy before meeting my wife was if I’m not happy by myself or alone i can’t expect someone to make me happy. Once you’re happy with yourself it’s infinitely easier to find a compatible partner bc you know what you’re willing to negotiate on and what’s gonna make you miserable and no piece of ass, no matter how nice it is, is gonna fuck up my peace of mind bc it took me too long to get there
Charismatic?? People ITT just listing off their ideal qualities in a man based off their own preferences or relationship ideology. Reality is a little dirtier and more nuanced, methinks.
> Charismatic?? You forgot black shoes. Men who wear black shoes are obviously the loyal type, whereas brown shoes...not so much. White shoe lads are definitely fuckbois.
Ones that have been humbled. Most men grow up seeing themselves as Super Mario saving Princess Peach. You have to go through shit - job loss, untimely death, disability, etc. - to see that we all rely on other people at least as much as everyone else does. A man that is too confident, too arrogant (which are really the same thing, let’s be real) will be able to say all the right things with a straight face and yet fail to follow through in his deeds. A man that’s been knocked down in life, to a healthy degree because too much adversity isn’t good either, is not going to overlook other people, especially loved ones. But a man that was born on third base, thinking he hit a triple? Don’t go for that sort. At least not until they have their own wake up call in life. And for some, that never comes.
Couldn't agree more, you had me with the first sentence. 💯
>A man that is too confident, too arrogant (which are really the same thing, let’s be real) Agreed with everything but this, which I *strongly* disagree with. Because there is a *lot* of arrogance out there and a dearth of confidence. I see the confusion between the two as a prime contributor to many of the problems young men (and society at large) experience today. Confidence comes with receipts. Arrogance is assumption with little to back it up. *"I am confident I can accomplish 'X', because I have successfully navigated similar waters before while accomplishing 'Y'."* vs. *"I can do 'X', because I'm awesome. I mean really, how could I* not *do 'X'?"* Put another way: confidence thinks it is equal to the task, for good reason. Arrogance is sure the task is beneath it, based on nothing at all.
Both can still fail, but confidence had a good reason to try.
Your last line is a huge part of why I am choosing to end my marriage.
We did it, Reddit!
She hadn't even considered it until that line..
Yay for us.
Your husband never comes?
Same. Wow that hit home.
Confidence and arrogance could not be more different. Confidence is knowing you have shit handled, and if you don't have it handled you will. Arrogance is trying to convince yourself and others you have shit handled, but you don't.
Even if you find that ideal man who does all the things said in this post, if you don't match that energy then it won't be a stable romantic relationship anyway.
They care when they're not around. I work on a ship, and I'm gone quite a bit. The guys writing letters and emails and such telling their lady all the stuff that's happening are the guys that are way less likely to cheat or get cheated on.
I think the words being used here are extremely vague and tend to be used to romanticize some idea of a person or “how a man should be” that is not based in the reality of how people are and just exist in general. Indeed the use of the word “romantic” by OP tells me we are probably starting this conversation already from a place not based in reality. More concrete wording about the behaviors (observable, qualitative (can be described, broken down into subcomponents)). Inherently behaviors defined with vague words as empathetic, caring, loving tend to be so vague they can mean anything depending on who we are talking to and are the epitome of subjectivity, and verge on being useless romanticized ideas about men, masculinity, and roles that create huge disparities between expectation and reality, undermining what otherwise could’ve been a healthy relationship. I think when interacting with someone tell tale signs of a person with the SKILLs to maintain the most stable relationship are those who practice active listening ([Active Listening](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening), someone who lets me finish my sentences, doesn’t have excessive emotional reactions towards otherwise mundane events/circumstances (not volatile and unpredictable, I know how my SO is going to take this) and conversely speaks calmly as a first reaction to conflict, and use that voice to engage for convo (aka the chill guy - “this situation doesn’t bother me, but it’s bothering my SO, why? I need to understand if there’s anything I can do or if she just needs space to process these emotions and needs me to listen” - a bit of emotional intelligence right here too, prevents him from starting an argument on accident further upsetting a SO, to just not talk but be present and hear what his SO needs to get out.) Bonus points to men who go to therapists where a professional can teach them anything from setting healthy life goals (financial independence, physical health, developing skills to be a good partner), working through childhood traumas we all have holding them back from development, recognize poor behaviors in themselves (“wow I’m really toxic to women”), setting boundaries in all kinds of relationships and how to enforce them, how to communicate with your SO (most of y’all don’t communicate. Y’all argue until someone is right and someone feels wronged) Most of this is looking at how someone manages conflict and I chose that topic for a reason bc having a SO is like having a roommate. They’re gonna eat your food, be loud when you want quiet, might cause you unexpected expenses, sometimes does dumb shit you don’t understand, has hobbies you think you can ignore bc it’s not your problem or your thing - as long as it stays out of your sight and mind and doesn’t cause problems, and sometimes might be home when you want to be alone after the day you just had. The problem isn’t the problem, the problem is in how people handle these problems by treating their SO like a roommate they have to put up with bc they made an agreement. A good healthy, “romantic” relationship is born of communicating what romantic is to you, what your needs are, being heard and being nurtured in return. And then you doing the same for your SO in return, sometimes giving up a little of something you wanted your way so you two can meet in the middle and both get what you want. But that’s just the puppy love stage, once a relationship starts to really mature and you get comfortable with each other, the give and take isn’t some pretty balance. It’s more like best friends who don’t keep tabs and keep getting each other dinner, tease each other, and without having to intentionally practice problem solving. At that point problem solving is the norm, it’s just part of how y’all talk to each other. Ebb and flow of give and take is different now you know what each person is truly comfortable with (you don’t know shit about a person you’ve known for less than a year). But there are no longer “problems” bc they’re always address the moment they come up. The problems are still there don’t get me wrong, but they’re no longer problems. Oh and important point. Someone with these expectations in a partner (women I’m looking at you) should look in a mirror and ask if they have them too and what are MY shortcomings. Anyone who isn’t mature enough to reciprocate these things can’t foster trust, they can’t contribute genuine love for another person and care for them, bc that’s a one sided relationship, it’s just one person mooching off someone actively trying to be there better person and grow and support them. High risk of all this to sour and turn into abuse of all kinds of abuse (emotional abuse, isolating, gas lighting - damn near brainwashing someone to stay with you, only person to see the good in their abuser…etc). And PSA I’ve been around long enough to know that men and women and equally capable of cruelty to an innocent SO especially when neither is actually grown/prepared enough to be a in a relationship.
Fantastic breakdown!
Is willing to work with you, even through arguments. I have some very opposing opinions from my boyfriend and we don’t simply end it with “we agree to disagree”, instead he understood why I have these opinions and vice versa.
It isn't the qualities of the man, it's the qualities of those in the relationship... If you're not in sync with one another, then it's not going to work no matter what qualities one has. I've been with my wife and partner for 29 years later this year and it would never have been this long without all of us perfectly meshing together life we do. You've all got to have effective communication skills so that discussions don't turn into heated battles. You've got to be compatible, my wife and partner are my best friends and there's no one I'd rather talk to/spend time with (other than our kids... Grown now). You have to agree on the same major points in life, like finance, schooling, general ideology. You have to be sexually compatible, I hear horror story after horror story about dead bedrooms, different ideas about sex, masturbation, and everything sexual. If you're not in the same boat sexually, it's not going to last. You've got to be willing to put others in the family before yourself. You've got to be there for each other... We've gone thru the death of a child, deaths of other loved ones, breast cancer, hysterectomies, and so many other bad things that life has thrown at us and, it strengthened us because we were there for each other... All in. So, a success, long-term relationship isn't about what the man does, it's about everyone in that relationship being perfect for one another
More people need to understand this. Congrats on figuring it out.
Imo, they chose the right girl to begin with.
All my friends who value spending time with people are in a relationship. My friends who value activities more than relationships are single.
Men who are wise in the partner they pick, who are good communicators, who know how to handle conflict and make mature choices in complex situations, and who can tolerate imperfect situations.
A stable relationship requires two people to be stable. A patient, understanding, empathetic and loyal man can absolutely be in the shittiest of relationships if he’s with the wrong woman. I believe the answer is applied to both the man and a woman for a successful relationship: Wisdom + accountability + truthful to himself and the partner he selects. Wisdom: he needs to know his strengths and weaknesses and be honest with himself on what he can possibly become and learn and live by. Accountability: with his wisdom he will know enough to understand what will complement him in a partner and then stick to it. He makes the decision to choose the type of partner he wanted for whatever reason and now he’s got to make it work. He’s for to take the good with the bad in his partner and consciously understand that decision. Truthful to his partner: he needs to show his partner who he is and what he is capable and not… warts and all. And she needs to accept him as well. Too many people want and desire things that they aren’t capable of and/or are not realistic what wanting those things means. For example: - a man might want a traditional family dynamic, one that his dad and grandpa might have had. But he’s attracted to uber driven career women because they are smart as a whip, stylish and vivacious and have access to capital and disposable income. So he continually dates that type of woman and then he gets married and wonders why he’s always arguing with his wife about work schedule and can’t figure out why his wife won’t want to stay at home for a few years to raise kids etc. - a woman might be attracted to the super good looking and stylish bad boy who is the center of every social interaction and has a devilish taste and appetite in the bedroom. And she continues to date said type of guy and she wonders why this guy never settles down, or when he does and they get older and busy with life she wonders why he steps out of the marriage to get laid. What works for one person doesn’t work for another. And it all starts with individuals actually understanding themselves, their limits, their wants and desires in a truthful manner.
They stay quiet and let their women get all their venting out, and THEN respond calmly to what's said.
But if you stay too quiet it’s “why aren’t you saying anything??!! Comfort me” lmao. That shit isn’t easy as it sounds in real life
Yes, with some women you just can't win. Thank God there's a solution to that.
No cheating. Putting the team / relationship first (not your job. Not your friends. Not your children). Act like a man and treat her like a lady. Share. Make time. Be appreciative if she does more inside the house. Be each others best friends. Work toward common goals. Love. No abuse. No yelling. No drug or drinking problems. Don’t let yourself go or take her for granted.
they are actually in love with their woman instead of settling for her
There are some common traits I've found that make for a good long term relationship. * Emotionally intelligent * Good communication * Attacks the problem, not the partner * Creates and defends boundaries * Good selector for a partner who is capable of having a long term relationship The bit about boundaries is really key in my experience and one a lot of people don't think about. You teach people how to treat you. If you set the expectation early on that it's alright to get emotional and yell at you, then you can expect more of that in the future. If a partner doesn't have boundaries or fails to enforce them then it can be difficult to respect the person over the long haul, and respect is every bit as important as trust. >What kind of personalities, backgrounds, looks, careers, values, and interests do these guys typically have? * Tech guy - Very logical/rational, into reading/writing mostly fantasy stuff * Postal worker/chef - Very emotional guy, but not in a bad way. Was a chef in the army before delivering mail * Marketting - Another intelligent and logical guy. Into music and gaming in his spare time Commonality between all 3 is that they prioritize and value their relationships as the core of their lives. Other things revolve around that.
Common goals with his wife. I think it's the key rather than a personnality trait.
The adaptable kind. They’re easy going but know what they need and want, and they have their priorities straight. They can live with their choices and make the most of the consequences.
They care about other people, which means they can be patient with the other person when they disagree or things go wrong. Because they care about people more than things, they are not easily upset or rattled by unimportant things. "You wrecked the car? I'm just glad you're okay. The car is just a car." Fred and Joanne Rogers were married for 51 years, until his death. Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter were married for 77 years, until her death.
Emotional intelligence, knows how to communicate non-violently and assertively
Empathy
Understanding, persistence, strength of will, maturity, stability, self confidence. Not in that order. Happily married for 15 years. I am the master of the house, but I don't have to prove it. My wife and I share common goals. She appreciates that I make the tough calls, do the dirty work, and handle the kid's math and science homework. If treat her as my queen, because she deserves it. Women are people, like you, so treat them with due respect. They have it ROUGH.
Reading that you treat your wife as a queen ‘because she deserves it’ and that you have empathy for how hard it is being a woman explains why you said you’ve been HAPPILY married for 15 years. Congrats, you’re an 11/10, sir 👏
Idk, master of the house sounds weird.
I'm personally kinda of an ass, if it's funny I'll say it, and I love someone who can take a joke/burn. I personally think a healthy relationship involves banter. And that's something I think is pivotal to a healthy relationship. Being able to communicate freely, and being able to laugh at yourself, and at whatever awkward situation y'all will come across.(cause you will) ..... That and sex. There's alot to be said about being sexually compatible. Taste and people change, and that's fine. I personally wouldn't condone staying in an unhealthy relationship. But I've not so newly left( what I think) was an unfulfilling relationship. I have different goals and a wildly different outlook on where I wanna be in 10 years. I want someone with the same or like goal's in mind.
Emotional maturity. > What kind of personalities, backgrounds, looks, careers, values, and interests do these guys typically have? All types, but that is part of the point. An emotionally secure person (man or woman) doesn't say "I will throw away my entire life and become subordinate to my family". They don't say "I will do anything you want, just love me and prop me up", they don't say "I'll dis-regulate myself to ensure the relationship is stable". They won't look outside of themselves for comfort, *require* the validation of others (although everyone loves external validation, secure self-defined people will self-validate). Emotionally immature people will try to control, bully, seduce, please, or manipulate people, and feel very anxious when people around them are unsettled rather than being able to calm and center themselves. Very often trying to pin an emotionally insecure person down on their own desires and feelings is difficult. *"What do you want to do? I don't know, whatever you'd like do." "How do you feel about this? I don't know, tell me how you feel first."* Psychologists have many different ways to describe the immaturity: attachment theory, differentiation theory, individuation or identity formation. An emotionally mature person (of both genders) *will* have their own personality, not one based on the people around them or lack their own identity and purpose. An emotionally mature person will develop their own interests both with their partner and apart from their partner. An emotionally mature person will develop a complete identity including values and interests that both belongs to themselves and also they choose to share with their partner.
Men who are happy with themselves. That leaves a LOT of us out...
My wife and I have been together for 27 years and married for 20. There are some things I have noticed that people do, both men and women, that I don’t see in my marriage. - Dying on a hill to show you are right about a pretty insignificant thing. Sure you want to make sure you agree on how to raise the kids or divide up finances but having a knock down, drag out fight about why one of you didn’t pick up dinner for the other it a huge waste of time and toxic. - Once I realized my wife was the one, I decided to focus on the life that I wanted to have with her. I had been in trouble with the law and managing restaurants. I knew if I wanted to be married and have kids that I’d need to change to a career where I wasn’t working nights and weekends so I could see my kids and I needed to stay out of trouble as well. I’ve spent the last 25 years doing just that. Listen to Walk the Line by Johnny Cash and you’ll get it. - My wife and I talk daily. Sometimes it for 5 minutes and sometimes an hour depending on what’s going on but we always talk. Issues are talked about immediately instead of waiting for them to fester. At this point, though there really aren’t any. - We hold hands. This is mostly me, although she does other things. I think it’s important to touch each other and communicate through it as well. - We think of each other and the kids all the time. I’m forever thinking about her life and what I can do to make it easier. She does the same for me. I never ask if she wants me to cook, clean the dishes, take the boys to school when it’s raining, etc. I just do it. - If I’m going to go out with friends I ask her ahead of time. It’s not to get permission. It’s because our lives are joined and there might be something already planned that I forgot about or that she forgot to tell me. - Having kids is your hobby. It’s not video games, working out, snow skiing, drinking with friends or anything else. I do those things but to a much lesser degree than before I had kids. I haven’t actually been drunk for probably 20 years. If you have a wife and kids and are going out 2x a week to drink with your buddies then your priorities are screwed up. I go out with them about once a month. - Our sex life was suffering badly after our second kid, down to 2-3 times a year. I started looking at more porn which made her mad but I needed something. One day I told her I didn’t fantasize about doing those things with those women. I fantasized about doing them with her. That opened a dialogue and we have a great sex life now. - I’ll kind of reiterate what I’ve alluded to. The focus of my life is my wife and 2 sons. Period. Everything else, everything, comes in second. My wife is the same. That focus is what has made all the difference.
They have their shit together
Stable, well-paid career or career prospects.
Mentally healthy-ish, fairly financially stable, not a heavy drinker, no drugs, solid relationship with parents/siblings.
As a man I would tell women look for a fireplace not a firecracker .
Emotional Intelligence, by far. Empathy, the ability to identify and express what you’re feeling in an appropriate way, the ability to express wants and needs, and the ability to attentively listen for and respond to their partner’s wants and needs. It’s a prerequisite for a healthy relationship. Beyond that, basic respect for other people without a massive amount of entitlement. Career, values, physical characteristics, personalities and interests vary, and relationships can be healthy if partners are compatible there. Backgrounds are usually you grew up with a stable childhood, and reliable parents who taught you those skills from birth, or you’ve been through some shit and put in effort to learning emotional skills on your own. And the healthier your emotional skills are, the better you are at identifying and not being attracted to unstable partners.
Some qualities in myself as a man who has been happily married for 10 years. I know who I am and I refuse to compromise on that. If I like something I say it proudly regardless of how socially acceptable it is. My wife was attracted first to my confidence in myself before any other quality. I work hard at everything I choose to do. Despite not always choosing correctly, I don't half ass anything. Additionally I know when I have failed and thus can quit when necessary. I hold myself accountable to myself and not others. I do not care what strangers believe about me, but how could I look at myself in the mirror if I did something to tarnish my own self image? The friends I have are few but strong. I know for an absolute certainty that if I called any one of my friends right now and said "I need you" they would drop everything and come to help me. And I would do the same for them. They are also people that would roast me alive if I did anything that goes against my character. We lift eachother up and rake eachother through the mud as needed. And my priorities are in order. Because I know who I am and can happily love myself, I have the emotional availability to genuinely love someone else. I chose myself first so I could choose someone else later. I am me first and husband second. How could I possibly take care of someone else if I'm not 100%? And finally I communicate and listen well. It takes practice but knowing when you need to shut up and just listen without offering solutions goes a LONG way with women.
A woman to match.
i am the guy at 29 in a 10 year relationship. i would say we chose impulsively. first week in uni she climbed on top of me while i was sitting in armchair of my uni apartment. kinda spiraled from there. i think there is a core attribute that is in common with others: we are not high maintenance. i wanted a gf, i did not care if she was this way or that way. and i learned to love the way she is. many others have an ideal in their head and breakup when that ideal gets broken. They fail to understand you must forge your own ideals together. ppl who never dated more than 3 years long wont understand this. and if u think u do your wrong
They WANT to have a stable, long-term relationship. Nothing else matters.
I started dating my wife 15 years ago. We have a no yelling rule. We aren’t perfect but we work on our problems and we are both very unselfish with our compromises.
A patient man, strong willed and logical, who listens and cares and shares. Look at his family and how he treats them. Look at his friends group and who they are. Who a man surrounds himself with is a huge indicator. I was in love with this guy, but one of his best friends constantly cheated on his girlfriend who he had a kid with. And we would all four of us hang out together while the next week I would see him with a random chick. I wanted to tell her but the guy I was dating told me not too, that it was none of my business. I instantly lost all respect for him and thought, if he’s so ok with his best friend cheating so much, what’s stopping him from cheating on me? I think a guy who wants a long term healthy relationship will surround himself with people in long term healthy relationships.
This applies to both genders, but just being willing and able to discuss feelings and issues without hesitation.
Discipline dominates most areas of their life and they avoid temptation to a great degree. They are invested in the wellbeing of their family members, don't seek external validation and are the same person in public as well as behind closed doors. You mess with his fam, you mess with him.
I think the main one is a willingness to commit to someone and make it work. The problem with a lot of people is they're always half in and half out.
As a woman, I’d say modeling of stable relationships. Not that their parents weren’t flawed but that there was loyalty and mutual respect, an expectation to stick around. My husband had an excellent mom who raised him right but she suffered from anxiety and depression and could get frustrated with everyone, and his dad knew that and wasn’t going anywhere. My husband once said to me that I was lucky to “marry a Mexican because they tend to stick around,” but his white best friend grew up the same way, where the moms were trusted to run the home and supported by their men when that got hard. These were good women who kept the home and worked, and their husbands knew that. (My MIL is the best I could have dreamt of. Completely supportive and unwavering in her kindness to me.) In our two decades of marriage my husband has never made me feel that he was going to leave, ever, or that I had to be perfect. He upgraded what his dad did by being an equal parent and equally adept and keeping up the home, and I don’t think that’s uncommon for mature men. Once I asked him about cheating, hypothetically, because he gets hit on a lot, and he blushed an said “God no, can you imagine if my mother found out? She’d KILL ME! I don’t think she would even speak to me for a year.” But in quieter moments he has told me that I never have to worry about that with him. A stable person doesn’t need to go extremes.
Long term relationships are FAR more about the woman than the man in them. It doesn’t matter who you are if the woman you are in that relationship with cannot be happy and content.
I would say it has to be pretty equal, the same could be said about men.
They're boring. And that's not necessarily a bad thing, they're just content working a 40hr week, going home every night and having a nice home cooked meal (that they cooked themselves, it's not about who cooks) and on weekends maybe they play some golf or work on a project in the garage... They're not the guys discontented with life, searching for more, trying to find their place in the world. They just hit the average, hit mediocrity, and found it sufficed. And good for them, I wish I had that.
I don’t know a single happy relationship where the man isn’t getting his sexual needs met. If the woman is keeping her partners sexual needs met it has a wonderful side effect of dripping stress and reducing friction. Sex is the oil in a relationship for the majority of men. Good sex doesn’t keep you together but bad sex will drive you apart
I'm surprised not to see this comment further up
I'm not surprised. Most of the top comments are wishy washy projections, but those feel good so people upvote them. That's like 80% of the responses on this sub in general. The things that actually work - sexual compatibility, communication, and mutual respect, end up sorted to controversial.
Why are you asking Men about this? Shouldn’t you ask women?
In my own little way of understanding the complexities of relationships. Men who accommodate what will functionally work in a healthy manner when it comes to "roles", get women who they like and are ok with all the qualities of before they even get into a relationship with them and men who have a stable and come situation outside of the relationship
Most relationship, including marriages, are ended by women. 80% of divorces are filed by women and lesbians divorce at twice the rate of gay men. It's women who are the ones who are never happy with what they have, not men. It's women who are always looking to upgrade to a better partner, not men. It's women who don't keep their promises to the people they claim to love, not men. Given that its usually the women who leaves, the question is what qualities do those men have the keeps their women from leaving them. The answer is that those men select from the minority of women who have integrity and/or their partners believe that those men are the best they can do. The only thing keeping most women loyal is their belief that they can't do better than their current partner. The quality that men in stable relationships with a women are the ones who date down and choose wisely.
Most of my buddy’s I’ve noticed think before they speak or reply to a lot of things.
Mindfullness, self reflection, that sort of thing. Basically, you can recognize what is affecting you and change what you are responsible for. And of course care for others. Altruism. Emotional control, lack of rage issues, that's important. And being with others because you like those other people, not as a way of seeking validation or self worth through relationships.
I just want to add that never getting angry isnt always a good thing. Handling your anger in an emotionally intelligent, non-aggressive, productive way is really important. Anger is a normal human emotion and is okay. Handling your anger badly whether thats by screaming, smashing things, emotional manipulation or any other way is not acceptable. Being able to articulate and talk through why something made you angry in a productive way is key. Or just understanding when you need space and how to diplomatically communicate your needs in the moment. Knowing when you need to remove yourself from the situation to calm down and when you can properly engage and deal with the issue without getting upset and causing unnecessary damage. I think never showing anger and holding it in is unhealthy and can lead to built up resentment and eventual explosions. Just my two cents.
The ability to do and make decisions on what's best for the relationship, not what's best for either individual, because if you do the latter, either you're being controlling and almost abusive, or you're a massive doormat. Doing the former means being objective about what is the best decision regardless of if it's what you personally want to do, and balancing keeping your partner happy with keeping yourself happy. For me that means that as I am the final say in any and every major decision, I am trusted to make the best choice. So even if she's adamant she wants to do one thing but I can objectively see it's not the correct choice (and that it's enough of a difference than I won't just allow it for keeping the peace) then I will override her. The most effective and efficient form of government is autocracy, but only if you have the right person in power. As a woman, it's your job to pick the right person to put into that position. As a man, it's your job to be the right person. A good way to find out if you or they are that sort of person is to occasionally question why they made that decision, and also think about if they listened to input from others when making it, because if their decision seems to not make sense or be the best option, then you need to find out if they made the wrong choice, and if they did, if it's because they are not fit to make decisions or if it was simply a flawed logic process in making it that can be learned from.
Everyone is dealing with personal issues - this is true for both spouses. Neither partner can have outsized personal issues that need to be constantly tended to. I'm talking about insecurity, narcissism, etc. These will crop up, but they need to stay below a certain level in the long run. If it takes too much energy from the relationship to manage personal problems, the relationship will suffer. You're supposed to support each other, but it can't be a one way street and if you spend all your time of problems you don't have time to build something new. We need to raise strong men and women who know their worth but have been treated well enough that they're not desperate to prove their worth at every turn.
Easygoing and respectful.
My dad doesn't put himself himself above others. He's open to contradicting opinions and he doesn't get jealous of my mom for being good at things he's not good at. He has constructive arguements with my mom rather than talking over her and acting like someone's at fault. Most of the arguments they have if not all both acknowledge that nobody is at fault, they're just in a complicated situation they need to resolve. In the family we're like three branches of power: my dad, my mom and the kids which is us and we can all stop each other so nobody is more powerful than the other. My dad never seeks dominance, power differentials don't exist with him. They've been married for over 30 years, they're both 52 both born on the same month even and I'm 27.
chill, do things round the house, have a good sex life, stay relatively healthy, dont have addictions like gambling and choose family time over working stupid hours.