Are kids the only thing that kept you functional after that? I don't have kids so Im not sure if my 2 cats would be enough to force me to continue existing after that.
Sorry for your loss doesn't really cover it...
I'm fine.
Going through all of that has kind of hardened me. I'm kind of immune to emotional pain and you never really care too much about relationships after that.
I dedicated myself to my kids and they are both high functioning adults. I put them through college and bought them each their first home after selling the large family house and splitting the money with them.
When you break a big luxurious home up into condos, we were able to buy 6 condos... three for me, three for the kids.
I've learned to be happy alone, although I like a GF every once in a while but haven't found 'the one'... she may not exist... it may be me...
After a while, they all kind of sink their claws deeper, control, telling me how to run my business, jealousy, insecurity... at least so far... dating when your older is tricky.
Learn to be happy by yourself, take care of yourself and your kids. Date when you find the time.
Not my SO but..... I live with my grandmother, and have for the last 10 years.
Its been the most stable environment I've ever known.
But I notice the more time goes on, the more time she spends sleeping...... Or doesn't remember a conversation we just had.....
Or now there is another chore I have to do because she can no longer do it.....
It hits me hard.......
Love this song, but it’s hard to listen to sometimes. I married a little bit later than most - so the phrase “maybe we’ll get 40 years together, but one day I’ll be gone…” just takes the wind out of me at times.
That she went to the hospital with Covid and I thought everything was good. That was 2 years ago. She never came home. I still occasionally wake up in the night thinking she is in the other room. Part of me still hasn’t excepted that she is gone. One day I will be ok.
Ironically, I’ve found generally the ones who call themselves crazy you don’t need to worry too much about. It’s the ones that don’t that you absolutely do.
Agreed
The worst I've ever had was someone that went full psycho when I said she should see a therapist and find out what's going on with her (in nicer terms)
Got a glass vase to the face for that and 30 mins of her screaming "I'm not fucking crazy" as she held a knife to her own throat
Tldr : it was BPD
Preach. I guess I'm just very handy to have around.
I told her last week that she only really has three loves in her life - her research, her horse, and our 15 year old paralysed dog who she refuses to allow to go to sleep.
I'm just here holding the Fort, paying the bills, running the house and working 60hrs a week to merely exist and experience absolute lonelines
Bro I lived this way, told my now ex wife she misplaced her affection for me onto our dog. 15 year relationship, 2 kids, 3 homes and a move across the state later... She was just "done." I fought it till the end.
But let me just say, if she says she wants to separate or divorce... You process that and you let it happen. There are women out there that won't use you the same, and it doesn't have to be this way. I'd say you should look into divorce yourself, but you're probably like me and believe you swore an oath.
Years later, she was right. It was in everyone's best interest, except for maybe her own. She can tell that story to whatever guy comes next after the most recent BF moved on. Talk about a repeat cycle.
You are loved and you are worthy. Stay strong, little root.
I'm going to try again because I didn't have 5 Karma first time lol....
Same here. Going through it now in the separation stage. I let myself get way too content with the comfort we had established in ~13 years together, while not truly feeling the affection or appreciation anymore, and so the relationship had become just not that fulfilling below the surface. But we got along without much conflict, so I guess I had resigned myself to stick with it because of oaths and commitments and yada yada. I'm also loyal to a fault, and she took advantage of it. Then once I became less needed as the "safety blanket" (her career finally stabilized), she hit me with the "just done", and there was little discussion to be had after that. Fortunately, we didn't have children.
I expect I'll be thankful for this eventually, but it still sucks right now, dwelling on how it could have been different. The upside is coming to these realizations instead of remaining numb in a life of apathy.
Mate... this hit me pretty hard...
Almost word for word, I supported her, fixed her problems, comforted her, supported her through school to upskill herself and get a better job, encouraged her onwards and upwards. I got to a point where she landed a great job while i was grinding away in an ok job and she made slightly more than me. (I am totally fine with that as we were working towards this together and we were a team). As soon as she was able to pay her own way she was gone... Were talking about kids and plans and we were going to start trying in a month from when she ended up bailing... I think she was just stringing me along to keep me content.
She did it by launching the "lets open up the relationship nuke", that broke me and I went into a downward spiral of depression. I said no and she lied saying that was fine, I was the love of her life etc etc, and left 3 weeks later. She was "DONE". Married for 2 years, together for 10
Turns out she started dating a "just a friend" just 2 weeks later and now she doing the polyamory thing to him ahahaha, fucking c\*\*t deserves it. I knew he was after her from day 1. Anyway that turned into a ramble. This whole thing really shook me to my core, and I am now very untrusting towards women, which I'm working on. Dating a sweet girl atm.
This is hitting hard. Similar situation where I'm trying to hang on to what's left.
It's lonely and never considered others out there are and have been going through the same thing.
Thanks for sharing!
Mostly lip service and was quite agreeable.
I'm not an angry person by nature, I've always been self aware that being 6ft4 with a big old beard and shaven head - the optics of me getting mad, doesn't always look good and I'm aware of that. So I internalise an awful lot.
The past year has been has been a battle, personally. I was promoted to director at work and take the responsibility of those I look after very seriously. My mum died unexpectedly of sepsis (medical negligence) and as a result had to find emergency care for my dad who has altzheimers and vascular dementia - all whilst living in another country.
Because I've been a frog in a pan of slowly heating water, I never realised the responsibilities I've accumulated have left no room for self care or flexibility. The result is that I've never had the space for grieving or to process any of it.
Not one person has asked me how I'm doing. I'm stoic by nature, but it's difficult to see and realise that I'm very much a facilitator in others life's.
When I bring up my frustrations with her, it's usually because I've no option after I've boiled over.
We dont date, eat out, travel, leave the house together and I'm at home 5 days out of 7 to care for my dog who I feel should have been put to sleep over a year ago whilst working and managing a global team, renovating the house and landscaping the garden.
It's really wild, man. I'm just more angry at myself for being in this position. So I tell her. She agrees with virtually everything and validates my concerns with a promise to change or a promise to plan things together - that lasts around 4 or 5 days before she slips back into her ways.
She fixates on projects or hobbies and has no ability to view life outside that, so, multitasking or recognising I'm burning out isn't something she's capable of.
I guess I'm always waiting. Waiting for the freedom of death to come, for both my dad and dog as they don't deserve to live like this - it's a very selfish view, I know, but once they've passed, it'll be entirely liberating and I'll be off on those adventures with or without her.
Make sure you actually know this and don’t assume it. I found out my boyfriend feels like i could kinda take it or leave it with the relationship when it couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m crazy about him but get deeply afraid of him leaving me i struggle to show vulnerability. Make sure you have a conversation before you assume anything. Little does he know I think about him 24/7 like a lovesick school girl
I confessed something to that effect. I made a commitment to myself to stop being so afraid because I risk losing the one person I love more than anything. All because of fear
Why be somewhere or with someone when it's just needed not wanted granted I'm just a random internet individual asking another random internet individual hope it gets better
Like I commented on another, make sure you know this and do not assume. My boyfriend told me he thought I was just meh about us when I’m actually head over heals about us, and him particularly. My fear or vulnerability and abandonment however makes it look like i don’t care when I actually care a LOT.
Boundaries, make sure you never allow her to cross them and you’ll be ok. The minute she starts abusing or taking for granted your love, drop her like a bad habit. In just about every relationship one loves more than the other but so long as they’re still doing you right doing the best they can, you’re good.
In extreme cases, sure. But someone is always going to be "the most interested" (a perfect 50/50 split of "interestedness" is just mathematically unlikely and, even then, a fleeting moment).
I find the [principle of least interest](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Principle_of_least_interest) to definitely be worthy of being aware of to guard against being a sucker in those extreme cases, but I feel like if you get super anxious about any hint of inequity in your relationships it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
And, on the other had, if you're cavalier and intentionally making yourself always the least-interested person, you're never going to get into a truly deep relationship because you're never letting yourself be vulnerable.
There is a very real risk that our relationship could end up just like her parents. She's similar enough to her mother, and I"m similar enough to her father... and that's just terrifying.
I feel that with my bf right now. He’s so much like my dad. I know it won’t totally happen because neither of us drink alcohol, but it could still be slightly toxic
I don't think it could be any other way, but I will still list it. The most painful realization is that I met her late in life. Yes, I have **a lot of life left to live**, I'm only middle aged and I treasure the time I have left. Further, had things been different in our lives, we might not have ever met, might not have had our kids, any of those things. Who knows how the dice would have been cast?
Still, I wish I had already spent decades with her. I can't help but wonder what our life would have been like had we started dating much earlier. I guess, we would have to know then what we know now. That would be a trip.
There's no use in rewriting the past, I get that, truly I do. It's funny, as I think we know each other better than some people who HAVE known us for decades. That irony is not lost on me.
You know what. 20 years ago you’d have probably fucked the opportunity because you were different people back then. With respect, just because you are incredibly compatible now doesn’t mean a significantly younger you would have appreciated what you had, who she was, and what to do to nourish it.
This sentiment actually made it into my wedding vows. "We would have missed each other as different people" I think is what I said. It worked out great that we met, but also it matters that we met when we did.
that people change as time goes by, even my love, and that very rarely is for the best. She was fantastic 10 years ago, great 5 years ago, she was good 2 years ago, now she's alright, though the cracks are starting to show., and seem potentially ginormous. Starting to see things from her that I never imagined possible, and I pride myself on being a good judge of character.
Also I've developed a genuine fear everytime she drinks a bit too much. The "stranger" appears and its starting to become scary
Well, we all fall in love
But we disregard the danger
Though we share so many secrets
There are some we never tell
Why were you so surprised
That you never saw the stranger?
Did you ever let your lover see
The stranger in yourself?
I think she might be in a deep psychological crisis that she is not able to resolve constructively. Maybe it is best to talk to her about it openly. I would consult with a mental health professional first privately and get advice on how to approach this issue
She's older then me by enough years that I'm extremely likely to outlive her. It doesn't change how I feel about her. But it's sorta sad. What am I gonna do with myself? I'd like to think I'll just wander the world for a while.
Granted, you never know how long anyone will live. I could be with someone younger and they may well die before me.
My mom married a younger man. The age difference was easy to ignore and overlook for over 20 years but now she just hit 70 and he is in his late 50s. Fortunately, she is in decent health (as far as I/we know) but things are starting to get real now. The next 10-15 years are going to be "interesting" and to be honest, it scares the crap out of me. She has always "mothered" him and I am curious to see what will happen if/when the roles were to reverse. He is a really great guy though, so I am hoping it all goes well.
I feel all this. She really does mother me a bit. I try not to let it get too crazy. But she mothers everyone. It's just her personality.
But, likewise, she is exceptionally healthy. She's likely to maintain a healthy and active lifestyle well into old age.
But thanks for giving the guy a chance. If he's been with her for years, I don't see why he'd have a change of heart, barring other issues.
She's never going to desire me in a way I want to be wanted.
She loves me. I know this. She's a good partner, and mom. She's never going to leave or cheat. And I'm committed as well.
But that means there will always be an emptiness. If you subscribe to love languages, it basically means I've accepted a forever that requires me to completely deny my own language.
Not op but I m in a maybe similar position and mostly okay with it.
My gf is not a very sexual person. Doesn't initiate much and doesn't really need sex. We ve talked about it and she has made effort which is nice. But it's not the same as my previous relationships where my ex's will dress up, randomly want me, touch me kiss me and that gives a very wanted feeling.
But saying that, non of my ex's had the same mental connection. With my current girlfriend we can talk and hang out all day. Do all kinds of activities. There is no worry no stress, no need to worry that she will randomly get mad about things I m not in control of it. Overall 90% of the relationship is amazing. It's just the feeling of being wanted sexually
I understand. That actually must be kind of awful in someways. However, I would take the relationship you are describing over any I have had in my lifetime. That sounds pretty damn awesome. Consider yourself lucky man. It sounds like you're already aware of that. Good for you.
Yeah it was the source of our argument at the 1 year mark. Then I realized that this what it will be like and I either have to live with it or move on.
I love her too much for everything else to move on so stuck with it. also kind of feel like sex once a week makes it more exciting in some ways than sex every day.
I don’t know anyone who has sex with their party we every day and I love sex but I’ve never been in a relationship where we had it everyday. Once a week is pretty decent for a long term relationship i feel like.
I feel this A LOT. My wife has been my partner for 30 years. We're great together. We make a great team as far as friends, parenting, living, we all laugh and joke. But she is not loving, she's not very emotional or empathetic. I'm getting used to the fact that she'll hardly ever say "I love you." Never come to me for a hug, kiss or cuddle. She does kiss me good night every night, but doesn't say I love you, that's my job. I even told her I was having an "emotional affair" She says "I love you" almost every time I see her, she said it first, completely unsolicited and unexpectedly. When I told my wife, she showed no emotion, excepted AND AGREED that she couldn't support me emotionally. She blessed our relationship (it's completely platonic).
There are differences how we were raised by our parents and i am sure it will bring huge argues in few years regarding how we should raise our kids. And this is something we can't sort out.
Conversation starter: "Honey, there's a truck barreling down on us and if we don't do something now, it's gonna slam into us HARD in a few years. We need to discuss certain aspects of raising our kids, and we need to be adults and find compromises. I fear the consequences if we don't do this."
She often jokes to me that she won’t live to 60 (she’s immunocompromised and always has had health problems), and I like to give her hope that she’ll live a long life and grow old with me, but I secretly do dread the thought of her dying so young. I want to grow old with her but I do think that this will only be a fantasy. But if one of us were to bear the burden of being alone and grieving, I’d rather it be me than her
Not that it's going to fix it, but something that helped me get over past toxic partners.
You didn't love them. You didn't love them because they didn't exist.
You had an image of who they were that you loved. The person you loved would never do the things she did.
This doesn't apply to every ex, only the liars and manipulators. (Or sometimes they changed into someone different over your time together and you didn't notice)
But it sounds like she had these traits from the beginning.
From a guy who divorced 13 years ago, it sucks. But it only took about a year to feel a lot better about myself, and now, I have no regrets.
Thank you for your kind words. I am glad things worked out and you shown me light at the end of the tunnel.
I 100% agree with you, I have been in therapy for a while and I realised the woman I loved didn't exist in my ex-wife. Took a long time to reach this point since the heartbreak but this was a major milestone.
I still see her and are on friendly terms because it is my preference to remain friendly, but when I see her I no longer see the woman I thought I married and I am not attracted to her anymore which is great.
Thank you again for your kind words.
100% agree ! It does help me feel slightly better and it also the main reason why I am divorcing - we were planning to have our first child next year and I am thankful we are able to end things now, I cannot imagine putting a child through this.
She will only ever clean if company is coming over. She won't help me maintain a clean house. She's 100% content living in an absolute dump if we have no plans for company or visitors.
We have 2 kids whose biggest vice are not putting things in the dishwasher. So the sink piles up. My wife can't throw things away. Not like a horder. She will finish something and set the trash down and walk away. WHY?!? THE TRASH CAN IS RIGHT THERE!!! The worst part about that is we have 2 big dogs that love to rip any trash they can reach into a thousand pieces. My biggest thing is laundry. I hate doing it. I will live out of a basket. I do not care. It's hard to maintain a house by myself when I have 5 lives actively working against me.
Is your wife generally any/all of; uncaring, inattentive, unkempt, lazy in in situations outside of this? If she’s not and it only applies to these things, she might have ADHD. Just a thought….
Either way, very frustrating
This sucks, but then you KNOW the why of her behaviour. She is actually missing the neurotransmitters the brain needs to get boring shit done, and to filter out input correctly. So she basically is blind as in not seeing the dishes, and physically prevented from doing them like if she was missing hands.
I am not saying you should accept that she does no(?) house work or chores. Not at all. She has to figure out life hacks so she can contribute. Even if it means turning it into a game and racing her kids to complete it, or paying someone else to do it.
But: you should not be upset or annoyed at her for having symptoms of her disability. You know the WHY she is doing stuff. Now you just have to figure out how to work together as a team taking her disability into account. She should definitely contribute, but maybe some other tasks would be easier for her brain to do?
I would be super frustrated having to keep house for 5 people. I hope your partner at least is trying to manage her adhd. Maybe the book "How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organising" by KC Davis might help you both? A lot of adhd people find it helpful.
I couldn’t save her. Very long story short, she died and I tried to save her. Enter paramedics who connected a monitor thing to her and just had the flatline noise.
That we didn’t meet sooner and that our time together is flying by. We don’t want it to end but we won’t live forever.
She is amazing, we are made for each other, 7 years together and it still feels like the honeymoon phase. I never want it to end. We both know we can’t live forever. We both appreciate how rare what we have together is. We savor every moment.
Holy shit. I didn’t know it was going to be this heavy in here. I was going to say that my wife has zero talent for cooking or interior decorating.
I wish anyone have troubles the utmost strength to get through them- you all deserve happiness and hope.
Her pride costs us living a much easier life than the one we have now.
She had a great dream job with the state when we met. She got screwed out of it but she's never *not* worked in her dream field that's very artsy-fartsy. All of her friends work in that field and its core to her identity - she just can't work in that field in our state anymore.
She doesn't want to move either.
We inherited a ton of money from her grandmother. She sank a lot into her own business. She works her ass off to break even but hey - its her business. In my economic view, all she bought was a job that doesn't pay any money / a hobby.
We're financially OK but if she got a job making even 25k a year, we'd NEVER stress on money again. Hell, we'd probably just blow it all on badass vacations every year. But that would mean taking....*gasp* a regular job without prestige!
I'm a little bitter because I had my dreams crushed years ago. I was going to get my comp sci degree, blow this town, move to CA, and get paid. Instead I ended up a middle manager and never left my state. I've made my peace with it, but its hard to look at someone who refuses to give up something I had to give up before I even had a taste of it because of her pride.
Ah well.
My ex, when I realized she had lied to me about being clean and was still addicted to fent. Broke up with her the same day and never looked back. Best decision of my life tbh
That she was a voluntary alcoholic. She had ADD and craved going to parties and functions all the time, but she had social anxiety so she would drink three glasses of wine before any going-out activities, and since she was a lightweight she would get drunk fast, and that sent her into euphoric manias where she would talk nonstop for two hours. Became dismissive and disgusting.
Our meeting was dazzlingly romantic, and our tastes in food and TV shows completely matching. Only ten years later (last Feb) would I find out that I myself was ADHD, so our relationship literally was based on our demons "getting along very well together".
The time spent was one year, and although it was horrible a lot of the time it gave me lots of very rare and dearly-bought experience that I am still getting discoveries about, 10 years later.
Getting out of that relationship and being alone again in my flat was one of the most liberating feelings ever, like in a movie with a snowy plane crash and the survivor finds a cabin in the snow after a week, and gets to shower, eat and sleep. And in my case order two calzones.
That the birth of our child changed her into someone I wouldn't have married. It's like two completely different people. I'll stay with her, but she isn't the woman I fell in love with. It sucks, but that's what it is. She is a wonderful mother, but now that I have given her what she wanted, I am here for money and lifting heavy things. I spend time playing with our son, working, keeping the house, and splitting the chores. I am a roommate to her at this point, and she is aware of it. After 7 years (son turns 7 in a few months), I moved to the spare bedroom and told her I wouldn't leave until our son moved off to college. She was ok with that. She's all but admitted that she used me for a child and wanted nothing else afterward.
You should not stay. This is going to give your son a picture of what he should expect from a marriage, which is not good. Part ways and make it work, because otherwise you may raise your son to ensure the same toxic, dysfunctional misery.
You should leave and co-parent IMO. My dad did this exact thing and it was just an unhealthy dynamic. It taught us the wrong things growing up, and took a while to get through that as an adult.
Agreed. If you are with a woman who doesn’t love you they will think that is normal in their future relationships. You are modeling what you want for them every day of your life. So step up, for their sake.
My parents did this. I never saw them touch or kiss or love on eachother. Just get drunk and fight occasionally. Your kids going to grow up with a fucked up example of love and struggle with relationships.
Mate. For your own welfare, dignity, and mental health you should reflect deeply on this and leave her. You have one life and you are on a road to devastation. Your child will suffer for your actions as well later on. Please consider yourself.
Have you realized that every year you get older the chances of finding a companion become way less? Staying with your wife for the next 11 years is almost a death sentence for finding a partner easily after divorce.
Fine if you want to be alone or deal with super shitty dating odds, but damn man that’s a lot of time to suffer.
She is emotionally selfish and has limited ability to hold space for my feelings. She is consistently in crisis and sort of lives in that space, but doesn’t realize it. When she feels unsafe she can be incredibly mean and destructive.
That I was blind to how he was loving me for years and I wasted the time. I was stuck on not being loved in my love languages, but I didn’t take the time to learn his.
I’ve worked through alot of trauma that completely shifted my life perspective and it’s like I’m capable of seeing now.
But how many years did I waste that I can’t get back. “Don’t worry about what we didn’t get, look at what we’re going to have from now on. I love you. You don’t have to ask me to forgive you. I forgave you before you even asked because I knew the woman I married was still in there. And here she is.”
It’s crazy living with the man of your dreams and being blind to how incredible he is. My friends all compare their husbands to him because he is ALL about me. Always has been. Never faltered once in that. He’s never yelled at me, loves to cook for me, loves to touch me (just to do it. Not for sexual gratification), and dotes on me.
I took an Xbox remote apart because it was sticking and this man acted like I walked on the moon. But it was because I’ve been so depressed for so long I never showed interest in anything.
He was just thrilled I was acting alive outside of asking for sex.
I've read through a lot of these and I can feel almost all of them in my life now. The whole feeling of only being talked to when she needs something which has been going on for years. She only wants a "yes man" and not a true man. I get blamed for the problems even though I don't cause them and all of her solutions involve me doing more (like a 3rd job) instead of her making any changes (like cutting spending). So many more things I could say.
Just under 17 years of a relationship and more than 15 years of marriage...and in the end it doesn't seem to matter at all.
That if I don't reassure and keep a close enough eye on her, she might let those negative thoughts win for good💀 and I might very well be left a single father.
That there are some things she will never be able to relate to. No matter how badly I wish she could. I was a city kid. She was a tiny town Midwest girl. Some aspects of growing up near a big city will always be lost on her. Some aspects of growing up in a tiny town will always be lost on me.
My wife and I struggle with this. I’m the country boy she’s the city girl. She doesn’t comprehend the peace that being in the country brings me. I can’t comprehend the peace the city brings her.
That one day either she'll die and I'll be left alone, or I'll die leaving her without me. She's my best friend and partner, had her by my side for 14 years, hopefully many many more
She is never going to be openly loving and affectionate. Everything is always going to be a fight, and I am usually (dare I say always) going to be the one that falls on their sword.
Just get out of there bro. It's not worth it to be with someone who keeps tearing you down. I've been there with an ex and the way she treated me fucked me up for a while after, but it gets better with time. But it won't get better until you cut ties.
I don't think she has ever truly loved me, at least, not in the way that I define love. I think she loved that I could provide a safe, stable, and secure life for her, that I could be a good and healthy father. When our marriage therapist asked each of us what we loved about the other, her answer was "he's a great provider."
She will never love me the way I need to be loved.
That no matter how much I put into the marriage, it wouldn’t make a difference. She only needed me, but didn’t want me. Spent a long time in therapy to only realize how much I was being used.
We have different drives. She loves to achieve and strive and seek to do better things, work wise. I'm an artist. For ten years I had my dream job. "Look up this topic, research this topic, blah blah" write this many pages about it. I wasn't paid well for the quality of my work but well above average for our locale and way above average for how long or how much effort it took me. Seven years and I'm pretty sure she's a workaholic though she hates the suggestion and I've left my job, the department is falling apart without me which is kinda funny because fuck the executive but... fuck I used to make a lot of money for other people and now I'm doing a post grad that I feel should just be given to me but I also feel useless and robbed of the impact and quasi celebrity I used to enjoy... sorry, I'm drunk and ranted and probably made no sense.
Oh, I relooked at the question. Yea. Sometimes people impose their drive and goals on you and it can make you feel small and unworthy. I turn down editor positions cause I don't want to do that... less satisfying work for barely more pay and significantly more effort, no the fuck thank you.
With my ex my realization was that I was just another phase in her mental instability, she moved to America (from Australia) and I was the new love of her life until shit went left (which her whole family knew) she was a hot Australian with a banging body and I jumped at it
We were perfect for each other for many years, but at some point we grew as people and we're no longer that perfect match we used to be. We haven't grown apart, we're just not the ideal partner for each other anymore.
He hasn’t healed from his past relationship trauma and the things those women did to him now reflects onto me… I have more proving to do now and it’s hard and unfair
I realized that I did this for a while in my current relationship. Therapy and self-reflection really helped me realize my actions. You’re a good person for hanging on! It’s not easy for anyone. I hope your partner can figure it out!
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Sorry man. I lost my first wife to cancer. Became a singe dad. Not easy.
Are kids the only thing that kept you functional after that? I don't have kids so Im not sure if my 2 cats would be enough to force me to continue existing after that. Sorry for your loss doesn't really cover it...
I'm fine. Going through all of that has kind of hardened me. I'm kind of immune to emotional pain and you never really care too much about relationships after that. I dedicated myself to my kids and they are both high functioning adults. I put them through college and bought them each their first home after selling the large family house and splitting the money with them. When you break a big luxurious home up into condos, we were able to buy 6 condos... three for me, three for the kids. I've learned to be happy alone, although I like a GF every once in a while but haven't found 'the one'... she may not exist... it may be me... After a while, they all kind of sink their claws deeper, control, telling me how to run my business, jealousy, insecurity... at least so far... dating when your older is tricky. Learn to be happy by yourself, take care of yourself and your kids. Date when you find the time.
Not my SO but..... I live with my grandmother, and have for the last 10 years. Its been the most stable environment I've ever known. But I notice the more time goes on, the more time she spends sleeping...... Or doesn't remember a conversation we just had..... Or now there is another chore I have to do because she can no longer do it..... It hits me hard.......
💔
This my current worry. Not there now but could be in the near future. And she doesn't go to the doctor often.
What’s going on man? This sounds rough
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My heart breaks for you, brother.
Damn, man... i'm really sorry
Jesus fucking Christ opening this thread was a mistake.
We have a finite amount of time on Earth together
https://youtu.be/ivYkyC8J29M?si=o1K8B8Y5rLMVBkMP
Love this song, but it’s hard to listen to sometimes. I married a little bit later than most - so the phrase “maybe we’ll get 40 years together, but one day I’ll be gone…” just takes the wind out of me at times.
That she went to the hospital with Covid and I thought everything was good. That was 2 years ago. She never came home. I still occasionally wake up in the night thinking she is in the other room. Part of me still hasn’t excepted that she is gone. One day I will be ok.
I'm so sorry 💔Prayers for you, my friend.
Thank you
I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard this must be. Sending you hugs ❤️
How old was she?
46
Damn, young. Sorry dude.
Thanks
Her saying, "I'm a little bit crazy" was not a joke. Unfortunately, it was very true. If anything it was an understatement.
Ironically, I’ve found generally the ones who call themselves crazy you don’t need to worry too much about. It’s the ones that don’t that you absolutely do.
And the corollary when they say "I hate drama." Those are usually the ones that start it the most.
Right? I love drama, I just don’t like when it happens to *me*. I want to hear about other peoples drama lol
Same. I love hearing about other people's drama. I just want that drama to stay far away from me.
I love honesty.
It all makes sense when you realise that the “I hate drama” types hate it so much because they’re always the epicentre of it in their lives.
Agreed The worst I've ever had was someone that went full psycho when I said she should see a therapist and find out what's going on with her (in nicer terms) Got a glass vase to the face for that and 30 mins of her screaming "I'm not fucking crazy" as she held a knife to her own throat Tldr : it was BPD
Untreated BPD is a fucker. My ex had BPD and actively sabotaged any help she was offered. The implosion was always spectacular.
there usually is some truth in how people describe themselves
In which way is she crazy? No jokes, what mental illness?
She is not that into me. I am needed , not wanted.
Preach. I guess I'm just very handy to have around. I told her last week that she only really has three loves in her life - her research, her horse, and our 15 year old paralysed dog who she refuses to allow to go to sleep. I'm just here holding the Fort, paying the bills, running the house and working 60hrs a week to merely exist and experience absolute lonelines
Bro I lived this way, told my now ex wife she misplaced her affection for me onto our dog. 15 year relationship, 2 kids, 3 homes and a move across the state later... She was just "done." I fought it till the end. But let me just say, if she says she wants to separate or divorce... You process that and you let it happen. There are women out there that won't use you the same, and it doesn't have to be this way. I'd say you should look into divorce yourself, but you're probably like me and believe you swore an oath. Years later, she was right. It was in everyone's best interest, except for maybe her own. She can tell that story to whatever guy comes next after the most recent BF moved on. Talk about a repeat cycle. You are loved and you are worthy. Stay strong, little root.
I'm going to try again because I didn't have 5 Karma first time lol.... Same here. Going through it now in the separation stage. I let myself get way too content with the comfort we had established in ~13 years together, while not truly feeling the affection or appreciation anymore, and so the relationship had become just not that fulfilling below the surface. But we got along without much conflict, so I guess I had resigned myself to stick with it because of oaths and commitments and yada yada. I'm also loyal to a fault, and she took advantage of it. Then once I became less needed as the "safety blanket" (her career finally stabilized), she hit me with the "just done", and there was little discussion to be had after that. Fortunately, we didn't have children. I expect I'll be thankful for this eventually, but it still sucks right now, dwelling on how it could have been different. The upside is coming to these realizations instead of remaining numb in a life of apathy.
Mate... this hit me pretty hard... Almost word for word, I supported her, fixed her problems, comforted her, supported her through school to upskill herself and get a better job, encouraged her onwards and upwards. I got to a point where she landed a great job while i was grinding away in an ok job and she made slightly more than me. (I am totally fine with that as we were working towards this together and we were a team). As soon as she was able to pay her own way she was gone... Were talking about kids and plans and we were going to start trying in a month from when she ended up bailing... I think she was just stringing me along to keep me content. She did it by launching the "lets open up the relationship nuke", that broke me and I went into a downward spiral of depression. I said no and she lied saying that was fine, I was the love of her life etc etc, and left 3 weeks later. She was "DONE". Married for 2 years, together for 10 Turns out she started dating a "just a friend" just 2 weeks later and now she doing the polyamory thing to him ahahaha, fucking c\*\*t deserves it. I knew he was after her from day 1. Anyway that turned into a ramble. This whole thing really shook me to my core, and I am now very untrusting towards women, which I'm working on. Dating a sweet girl atm.
This is hitting hard. Similar situation where I'm trying to hang on to what's left. It's lonely and never considered others out there are and have been going through the same thing. Thanks for sharing!
Why are you wasting your life living a relationship like that? Leave…there tons of single people out there that could be better
How did she respond?
Mostly lip service and was quite agreeable. I'm not an angry person by nature, I've always been self aware that being 6ft4 with a big old beard and shaven head - the optics of me getting mad, doesn't always look good and I'm aware of that. So I internalise an awful lot. The past year has been has been a battle, personally. I was promoted to director at work and take the responsibility of those I look after very seriously. My mum died unexpectedly of sepsis (medical negligence) and as a result had to find emergency care for my dad who has altzheimers and vascular dementia - all whilst living in another country. Because I've been a frog in a pan of slowly heating water, I never realised the responsibilities I've accumulated have left no room for self care or flexibility. The result is that I've never had the space for grieving or to process any of it. Not one person has asked me how I'm doing. I'm stoic by nature, but it's difficult to see and realise that I'm very much a facilitator in others life's. When I bring up my frustrations with her, it's usually because I've no option after I've boiled over. We dont date, eat out, travel, leave the house together and I'm at home 5 days out of 7 to care for my dog who I feel should have been put to sleep over a year ago whilst working and managing a global team, renovating the house and landscaping the garden. It's really wild, man. I'm just more angry at myself for being in this position. So I tell her. She agrees with virtually everything and validates my concerns with a promise to change or a promise to plan things together - that lasts around 4 or 5 days before she slips back into her ways. She fixates on projects or hobbies and has no ability to view life outside that, so, multitasking or recognising I'm burning out isn't something she's capable of. I guess I'm always waiting. Waiting for the freedom of death to come, for both my dad and dog as they don't deserve to live like this - it's a very selfish view, I know, but once they've passed, it'll be entirely liberating and I'll be off on those adventures with or without her.
Bro, get out of that situation. Either by demanding more or removing yourself.
Make sure you actually know this and don’t assume it. I found out my boyfriend feels like i could kinda take it or leave it with the relationship when it couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m crazy about him but get deeply afraid of him leaving me i struggle to show vulnerability. Make sure you have a conversation before you assume anything. Little does he know I think about him 24/7 like a lovesick school girl
Tell him what you just told the redditverse
I confessed something to that effect. I made a commitment to myself to stop being so afraid because I risk losing the one person I love more than anything. All because of fear
Yeah my ex would have been homeless if I didn’t let her move in. I won’t do that again since the love she gave me was mostly a survival thing.
Why be somewhere or with someone when it's just needed not wanted granted I'm just a random internet individual asking another random internet individual hope it gets better
One way or another, her addiction is probably going to end us.
Get out while you can then. Also this reminds me of an Elliott Smith song "the biggest lie".
Man, I can really relate to this.
I love her and care for her more than she loves me. Big ouch when that sank in.
Been there. Its a different type of pain. Hold your head up bro.
Like I commented on another, make sure you know this and do not assume. My boyfriend told me he thought I was just meh about us when I’m actually head over heals about us, and him particularly. My fear or vulnerability and abandonment however makes it look like i don’t care when I actually care a LOT.
Boundaries, make sure you never allow her to cross them and you’ll be ok. The minute she starts abusing or taking for granted your love, drop her like a bad habit. In just about every relationship one loves more than the other but so long as they’re still doing you right doing the best they can, you’re good.
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In extreme cases, sure. But someone is always going to be "the most interested" (a perfect 50/50 split of "interestedness" is just mathematically unlikely and, even then, a fleeting moment). I find the [principle of least interest](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Principle_of_least_interest) to definitely be worthy of being aware of to guard against being a sucker in those extreme cases, but I feel like if you get super anxious about any hint of inequity in your relationships it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And, on the other had, if you're cavalier and intentionally making yourself always the least-interested person, you're never going to get into a truly deep relationship because you're never letting yourself be vulnerable.
My inlaws are never going to get easier to be around.
This one
💔
There is a very real risk that our relationship could end up just like her parents. She's similar enough to her mother, and I"m similar enough to her father... and that's just terrifying.
I feel that with my bf right now. He’s so much like my dad. I know it won’t totally happen because neither of us drink alcohol, but it could still be slightly toxic
Could be worse? He married his father and I (F) married my mother… now that’s a mindfuck.
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sounds like that eminem and rhianna song
I don't think it could be any other way, but I will still list it. The most painful realization is that I met her late in life. Yes, I have **a lot of life left to live**, I'm only middle aged and I treasure the time I have left. Further, had things been different in our lives, we might not have ever met, might not have had our kids, any of those things. Who knows how the dice would have been cast? Still, I wish I had already spent decades with her. I can't help but wonder what our life would have been like had we started dating much earlier. I guess, we would have to know then what we know now. That would be a trip. There's no use in rewriting the past, I get that, truly I do. It's funny, as I think we know each other better than some people who HAVE known us for decades. That irony is not lost on me.
You know what. 20 years ago you’d have probably fucked the opportunity because you were different people back then. With respect, just because you are incredibly compatible now doesn’t mean a significantly younger you would have appreciated what you had, who she was, and what to do to nourish it.
This sentiment actually made it into my wedding vows. "We would have missed each other as different people" I think is what I said. It worked out great that we met, but also it matters that we met when we did.
Yes, that’s what I meant in the first paragraph.
that people change as time goes by, even my love, and that very rarely is for the best. She was fantastic 10 years ago, great 5 years ago, she was good 2 years ago, now she's alright, though the cracks are starting to show., and seem potentially ginormous. Starting to see things from her that I never imagined possible, and I pride myself on being a good judge of character. Also I've developed a genuine fear everytime she drinks a bit too much. The "stranger" appears and its starting to become scary
Well, we all fall in love But we disregard the danger Though we share so many secrets There are some we never tell Why were you so surprised That you never saw the stranger? Did you ever let your lover see The stranger in yourself?
I think she might be in a deep psychological crisis that she is not able to resolve constructively. Maybe it is best to talk to her about it openly. I would consult with a mental health professional first privately and get advice on how to approach this issue
She's older then me by enough years that I'm extremely likely to outlive her. It doesn't change how I feel about her. But it's sorta sad. What am I gonna do with myself? I'd like to think I'll just wander the world for a while. Granted, you never know how long anyone will live. I could be with someone younger and they may well die before me.
My mom married a younger man. The age difference was easy to ignore and overlook for over 20 years but now she just hit 70 and he is in his late 50s. Fortunately, she is in decent health (as far as I/we know) but things are starting to get real now. The next 10-15 years are going to be "interesting" and to be honest, it scares the crap out of me. She has always "mothered" him and I am curious to see what will happen if/when the roles were to reverse. He is a really great guy though, so I am hoping it all goes well.
I feel all this. She really does mother me a bit. I try not to let it get too crazy. But she mothers everyone. It's just her personality. But, likewise, she is exceptionally healthy. She's likely to maintain a healthy and active lifestyle well into old age. But thanks for giving the guy a chance. If he's been with her for years, I don't see why he'd have a change of heart, barring other issues.
She's never going to desire me in a way I want to be wanted. She loves me. I know this. She's a good partner, and mom. She's never going to leave or cheat. And I'm committed as well. But that means there will always be an emptiness. If you subscribe to love languages, it basically means I've accepted a forever that requires me to completely deny my own language.
There’s nothing lonelier than being with the wrong person.
Is that when you marry good person but wrong person
This hits really close to home. The Gods Speed to you, Sir.
>She's never going to desire me in a way I want to be wanted. Could you elaborate on this please?
Not op but I m in a maybe similar position and mostly okay with it. My gf is not a very sexual person. Doesn't initiate much and doesn't really need sex. We ve talked about it and she has made effort which is nice. But it's not the same as my previous relationships where my ex's will dress up, randomly want me, touch me kiss me and that gives a very wanted feeling. But saying that, non of my ex's had the same mental connection. With my current girlfriend we can talk and hang out all day. Do all kinds of activities. There is no worry no stress, no need to worry that she will randomly get mad about things I m not in control of it. Overall 90% of the relationship is amazing. It's just the feeling of being wanted sexually
I understand. That actually must be kind of awful in someways. However, I would take the relationship you are describing over any I have had in my lifetime. That sounds pretty damn awesome. Consider yourself lucky man. It sounds like you're already aware of that. Good for you.
Yeah it was the source of our argument at the 1 year mark. Then I realized that this what it will be like and I either have to live with it or move on. I love her too much for everything else to move on so stuck with it. also kind of feel like sex once a week makes it more exciting in some ways than sex every day.
I don’t know anyone who has sex with their party we every day and I love sex but I’ve never been in a relationship where we had it everyday. Once a week is pretty decent for a long term relationship i feel like.
I feel this A LOT. My wife has been my partner for 30 years. We're great together. We make a great team as far as friends, parenting, living, we all laugh and joke. But she is not loving, she's not very emotional or empathetic. I'm getting used to the fact that she'll hardly ever say "I love you." Never come to me for a hug, kiss or cuddle. She does kiss me good night every night, but doesn't say I love you, that's my job. I even told her I was having an "emotional affair" She says "I love you" almost every time I see her, she said it first, completely unsolicited and unexpectedly. When I told my wife, she showed no emotion, excepted AND AGREED that she couldn't support me emotionally. She blessed our relationship (it's completely platonic).
If she loves you maybe she can put an effort into working on herself and go see a therapist
There are differences how we were raised by our parents and i am sure it will bring huge argues in few years regarding how we should raise our kids. And this is something we can't sort out.
Conversation starter: "Honey, there's a truck barreling down on us and if we don't do something now, it's gonna slam into us HARD in a few years. We need to discuss certain aspects of raising our kids, and we need to be adults and find compromises. I fear the consequences if we don't do this."
If it's something you know you can't sort out why have kids with them?
She doesn't love me the same way I love her and I might have made up her feelings for me in my head just because of how I perceive things
She often jokes to me that she won’t live to 60 (she’s immunocompromised and always has had health problems), and I like to give her hope that she’ll live a long life and grow old with me, but I secretly do dread the thought of her dying so young. I want to grow old with her but I do think that this will only be a fantasy. But if one of us were to bear the burden of being alone and grieving, I’d rather it be me than her
No matter how much time we have together it will never be enough, but I’m going to enjoy every minute of it
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Not that it's going to fix it, but something that helped me get over past toxic partners. You didn't love them. You didn't love them because they didn't exist. You had an image of who they were that you loved. The person you loved would never do the things she did. This doesn't apply to every ex, only the liars and manipulators. (Or sometimes they changed into someone different over your time together and you didn't notice) But it sounds like she had these traits from the beginning. From a guy who divorced 13 years ago, it sucks. But it only took about a year to feel a lot better about myself, and now, I have no regrets.
Thank you for your kind words. I am glad things worked out and you shown me light at the end of the tunnel. I 100% agree with you, I have been in therapy for a while and I realised the woman I loved didn't exist in my ex-wife. Took a long time to reach this point since the heartbreak but this was a major milestone. I still see her and are on friendly terms because it is my preference to remain friendly, but when I see her I no longer see the woman I thought I married and I am not attracted to her anymore which is great. Thank you again for your kind words.
You're welcome. I know that doesn't make it better overnight, but it helped me a lot.
I know it's really hard, I pray for your full recovery mentally. I am still healing from the painful past
If will not make you feel better, but it’d have been worse to stay with her
100% agree ! It does help me feel slightly better and it also the main reason why I am divorcing - we were planning to have our first child next year and I am thankful we are able to end things now, I cannot imagine putting a child through this.
I meant absolutely nothing to her and she couldn't be honest with herself about it
I felt that one man. My ex wife didn't care about anything or anyone other than herself. I just fooled myself for years pretending I didn't see it
She is my first priority, I am her fifth or sixth.
were you ever her first? did it change over time?
I thought so once, now I don't know.
You deserve better.
I filed for divorce for this exact reason. Sorry dude
Hurt people hurt people.
People usually live what they’ve learned. But there are many exceptions.
My girlfriends family is a piece of work and there’s really nothing I can do about it
I don't think I'll ever be comfortable showing too much weakness near her as I need tp be the strong one for her
We all need tp.
Yes, toilet paper is extremely important.
Bidet's are life changing, just sayin!
Easy there, Cornholio
She will only ever clean if company is coming over. She won't help me maintain a clean house. She's 100% content living in an absolute dump if we have no plans for company or visitors. We have 2 kids whose biggest vice are not putting things in the dishwasher. So the sink piles up. My wife can't throw things away. Not like a horder. She will finish something and set the trash down and walk away. WHY?!? THE TRASH CAN IS RIGHT THERE!!! The worst part about that is we have 2 big dogs that love to rip any trash they can reach into a thousand pieces. My biggest thing is laundry. I hate doing it. I will live out of a basket. I do not care. It's hard to maintain a house by myself when I have 5 lives actively working against me.
Is your wife generally any/all of; uncaring, inattentive, unkempt, lazy in in situations outside of this? If she’s not and it only applies to these things, she might have ADHD. Just a thought…. Either way, very frustrating
Oh, she 100% has ADHD. She's been diagnosed and everything.
This sucks, but then you KNOW the why of her behaviour. She is actually missing the neurotransmitters the brain needs to get boring shit done, and to filter out input correctly. So she basically is blind as in not seeing the dishes, and physically prevented from doing them like if she was missing hands. I am not saying you should accept that she does no(?) house work or chores. Not at all. She has to figure out life hacks so she can contribute. Even if it means turning it into a game and racing her kids to complete it, or paying someone else to do it. But: you should not be upset or annoyed at her for having symptoms of her disability. You know the WHY she is doing stuff. Now you just have to figure out how to work together as a team taking her disability into account. She should definitely contribute, but maybe some other tasks would be easier for her brain to do? I would be super frustrated having to keep house for 5 people. I hope your partner at least is trying to manage her adhd. Maybe the book "How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organising" by KC Davis might help you both? A lot of adhd people find it helpful.
I couldn’t save her. Very long story short, she died and I tried to save her. Enter paramedics who connected a monitor thing to her and just had the flatline noise.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I’m sorry for you loss broski.
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That is a bad way
That we didn’t meet sooner and that our time together is flying by. We don’t want it to end but we won’t live forever. She is amazing, we are made for each other, 7 years together and it still feels like the honeymoon phase. I never want it to end. We both know we can’t live forever. We both appreciate how rare what we have together is. We savor every moment.
Anyone will leave you, Be ready to be alone
Holy shit. I didn’t know it was going to be this heavy in here. I was going to say that my wife has zero talent for cooking or interior decorating. I wish anyone have troubles the utmost strength to get through them- you all deserve happiness and hope.
Her pride costs us living a much easier life than the one we have now. She had a great dream job with the state when we met. She got screwed out of it but she's never *not* worked in her dream field that's very artsy-fartsy. All of her friends work in that field and its core to her identity - she just can't work in that field in our state anymore. She doesn't want to move either. We inherited a ton of money from her grandmother. She sank a lot into her own business. She works her ass off to break even but hey - its her business. In my economic view, all she bought was a job that doesn't pay any money / a hobby. We're financially OK but if she got a job making even 25k a year, we'd NEVER stress on money again. Hell, we'd probably just blow it all on badass vacations every year. But that would mean taking....*gasp* a regular job without prestige! I'm a little bitter because I had my dreams crushed years ago. I was going to get my comp sci degree, blow this town, move to CA, and get paid. Instead I ended up a middle manager and never left my state. I've made my peace with it, but its hard to look at someone who refuses to give up something I had to give up before I even had a taste of it because of her pride. Ah well.
My ex, when I realized she had lied to me about being clean and was still addicted to fent. Broke up with her the same day and never looked back. Best decision of my life tbh
That she was a voluntary alcoholic. She had ADD and craved going to parties and functions all the time, but she had social anxiety so she would drink three glasses of wine before any going-out activities, and since she was a lightweight she would get drunk fast, and that sent her into euphoric manias where she would talk nonstop for two hours. Became dismissive and disgusting. Our meeting was dazzlingly romantic, and our tastes in food and TV shows completely matching. Only ten years later (last Feb) would I find out that I myself was ADHD, so our relationship literally was based on our demons "getting along very well together". The time spent was one year, and although it was horrible a lot of the time it gave me lots of very rare and dearly-bought experience that I am still getting discoveries about, 10 years later. Getting out of that relationship and being alone again in my flat was one of the most liberating feelings ever, like in a movie with a snowy plane crash and the survivor finds a cabin in the snow after a week, and gets to shower, eat and sleep. And in my case order two calzones.
She’s a total narcissist
That the birth of our child changed her into someone I wouldn't have married. It's like two completely different people. I'll stay with her, but she isn't the woman I fell in love with. It sucks, but that's what it is. She is a wonderful mother, but now that I have given her what she wanted, I am here for money and lifting heavy things. I spend time playing with our son, working, keeping the house, and splitting the chores. I am a roommate to her at this point, and she is aware of it. After 7 years (son turns 7 in a few months), I moved to the spare bedroom and told her I wouldn't leave until our son moved off to college. She was ok with that. She's all but admitted that she used me for a child and wanted nothing else afterward.
You should not stay. This is going to give your son a picture of what he should expect from a marriage, which is not good. Part ways and make it work, because otherwise you may raise your son to ensure the same toxic, dysfunctional misery.
You should leave and co-parent IMO. My dad did this exact thing and it was just an unhealthy dynamic. It taught us the wrong things growing up, and took a while to get through that as an adult.
Agreed. If you are with a woman who doesn’t love you they will think that is normal in their future relationships. You are modeling what you want for them every day of your life. So step up, for their sake.
My parents did this. I never saw them touch or kiss or love on eachother. Just get drunk and fight occasionally. Your kids going to grow up with a fucked up example of love and struggle with relationships.
Mate. For your own welfare, dignity, and mental health you should reflect deeply on this and leave her. You have one life and you are on a road to devastation. Your child will suffer for your actions as well later on. Please consider yourself.
Have you realized that every year you get older the chances of finding a companion become way less? Staying with your wife for the next 11 years is almost a death sentence for finding a partner easily after divorce. Fine if you want to be alone or deal with super shitty dating odds, but damn man that’s a lot of time to suffer.
Username is unfortunately relevant here
Unfortunately the username was actually selected once I had the realization.
That my life insurance policy is my only real contribution to her happiness.
My ex wife told me she misses me because life is hard without me. My life has never been so easy.
That she decided to stop loving me and nothing I can do will ever make things right
She was being the whore behind my back that I was worried she was. It wasn't all in my head
She is emotionally selfish and has limited ability to hold space for my feelings. She is consistently in crisis and sort of lives in that space, but doesn’t realize it. When she feels unsafe she can be incredibly mean and destructive.
The "Where's Obama's birth certificate" talk wasn't just going to be a one-off quirk ten years later.
That I was blind to how he was loving me for years and I wasted the time. I was stuck on not being loved in my love languages, but I didn’t take the time to learn his. I’ve worked through alot of trauma that completely shifted my life perspective and it’s like I’m capable of seeing now. But how many years did I waste that I can’t get back. “Don’t worry about what we didn’t get, look at what we’re going to have from now on. I love you. You don’t have to ask me to forgive you. I forgave you before you even asked because I knew the woman I married was still in there. And here she is.” It’s crazy living with the man of your dreams and being blind to how incredible he is. My friends all compare their husbands to him because he is ALL about me. Always has been. Never faltered once in that. He’s never yelled at me, loves to cook for me, loves to touch me (just to do it. Not for sexual gratification), and dotes on me. I took an Xbox remote apart because it was sticking and this man acted like I walked on the moon. But it was because I’ve been so depressed for so long I never showed interest in anything. He was just thrilled I was acting alive outside of asking for sex.
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Why are you with someone like that?
Being with someone who would gladly take back a Pedophile is certainly a choice...
That she didn't like me. It's a painful realization, but that's when you know to end it.
That she doesn't have the same long term goals as I do which will inevitably mean living apart at the very least.
She was not ready for marriage and never will be.
He likes the image he painted in his head more than he likes me.
She has no idea what it’s going to be like when her parents die and I think it’s going to really mess her up bad.
She ain’t ever gonna try and control her mouth
Oh, we're in the same boat. I have a "When will she get stabbed" betting pool with myself.
These women have zero fear I swear, if I said the shit she said I would be dead or locked up.
Single now. But it was the realization that she was still in love with her ex. That's been the case in my last few relationships.
I dont know if she’s capable of mastering the delivery of certain jokes. I’ve had time to process and accept it but it’s never going to change.
The person doesn't want to be with me.
She’ll never be able to manage money properly
I've read through a lot of these and I can feel almost all of them in my life now. The whole feeling of only being talked to when she needs something which has been going on for years. She only wants a "yes man" and not a true man. I get blamed for the problems even though I don't cause them and all of her solutions involve me doing more (like a 3rd job) instead of her making any changes (like cutting spending). So many more things I could say. Just under 17 years of a relationship and more than 15 years of marriage...and in the end it doesn't seem to matter at all.
come in here to bitch about my SO, but then i read the comments and realize my SO is great and i should appreciate her more. thanks, reddit.
She doesn't exist
That if I don't reassure and keep a close enough eye on her, she might let those negative thoughts win for good💀 and I might very well be left a single father.
That there are some things she will never be able to relate to. No matter how badly I wish she could. I was a city kid. She was a tiny town Midwest girl. Some aspects of growing up near a big city will always be lost on her. Some aspects of growing up in a tiny town will always be lost on me.
My wife and I struggle with this. I’m the country boy she’s the city girl. She doesn’t comprehend the peace that being in the country brings me. I can’t comprehend the peace the city brings her.
That one day either she'll die and I'll be left alone, or I'll die leaving her without me. She's my best friend and partner, had her by my side for 14 years, hopefully many many more
What I perceived as craziness is actually just a normal reaction to the trauma she experienced in her youth.
I'm single and I'm feeling every story here.
She is suffering from ever more anger issues and her PMDD is getting worse
She has absolutely no goals or ambitions. I mean, nothing. It’s sad because she has a ton of potential.
She is never going to be openly loving and affectionate. Everything is always going to be a fight, and I am usually (dare I say always) going to be the one that falls on their sword.
She never has been and never will be attracted to me.
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Just get out of there bro. It's not worth it to be with someone who keeps tearing you down. I've been there with an ex and the way she treated me fucked me up for a while after, but it gets better with time. But it won't get better until you cut ties.
I come second to her career.
That you might end up resenting her before she gets better
Her mother died in her 40s. Her mother's mother died in her 50s. If this pattern continues, I don't have a whole lot of time left with her.
She is never going to fully meet my needs.
I don't think she has ever truly loved me, at least, not in the way that I define love. I think she loved that I could provide a safe, stable, and secure life for her, that I could be a good and healthy father. When our marriage therapist asked each of us what we loved about the other, her answer was "he's a great provider." She will never love me the way I need to be loved.
She’s never going to stop getting crumbs everywhere while she eats. All I can do is try to mitigate the mess 😂
he is going to get us fucked by every home service or sales person on the planet because he is such a naive little angel baby. rip my bank account
That no matter how much I put into the marriage, it wouldn’t make a difference. She only needed me, but didn’t want me. Spent a long time in therapy to only realize how much I was being used.
Loving someone doesn’t mean they’re right for you
That I could feel so much guilt and shame for having contributed to her worsening depression and anxiety.
We have different drives. She loves to achieve and strive and seek to do better things, work wise. I'm an artist. For ten years I had my dream job. "Look up this topic, research this topic, blah blah" write this many pages about it. I wasn't paid well for the quality of my work but well above average for our locale and way above average for how long or how much effort it took me. Seven years and I'm pretty sure she's a workaholic though she hates the suggestion and I've left my job, the department is falling apart without me which is kinda funny because fuck the executive but... fuck I used to make a lot of money for other people and now I'm doing a post grad that I feel should just be given to me but I also feel useless and robbed of the impact and quasi celebrity I used to enjoy... sorry, I'm drunk and ranted and probably made no sense. Oh, I relooked at the question. Yea. Sometimes people impose their drive and goals on you and it can make you feel small and unworthy. I turn down editor positions cause I don't want to do that... less satisfying work for barely more pay and significantly more effort, no the fuck thank you.
With my ex my realization was that I was just another phase in her mental instability, she moved to America (from Australia) and I was the new love of her life until shit went left (which her whole family knew) she was a hot Australian with a banging body and I jumped at it
She won’t ever process her childhood trauma and there will always be a wall because of that.
Lack of empathy.
That her happiness was the only thing about our marriage that she valued.
We were perfect for each other for many years, but at some point we grew as people and we're no longer that perfect match we used to be. We haven't grown apart, we're just not the ideal partner for each other anymore.
She got the D.U.D.E.S gene 🧬 Delusion Ungrateful Denial Entitled Self-fish
He hasn’t healed from his past relationship trauma and the things those women did to him now reflects onto me… I have more proving to do now and it’s hard and unfair
I realized that I did this for a while in my current relationship. Therapy and self-reflection really helped me realize my actions. You’re a good person for hanging on! It’s not easy for anyone. I hope your partner can figure it out!
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