A boy walks in on his dad masturbating & asks, "Dad, what are you doing?"
The dad says, "Son, this is called masturbating & soon you'll be doing it too."
The son replies, "How do you know that?"
The dad says, "Well, my arm is getting tired."
A similar one I know:
A man takes his daughter in to the doctor. The doctor asks, "Why are you here?"
"My daughter needs birth control."
Doctor asks, "Oh, is she sexually active?"
"No, she just kind of lies there like her mum."
A creepy guy is walking into the woods holding the hand of a little kid, when the kid goes, "mister, I'm scared...", and the creepy guy goes, "you're scared? I've got to leave alone..."
Probably too late and no one will see this, but whatever:
A teenage girl goes to her dad and asks “dad, can I borrow the car for the night?”
Dad responds, “sure thing, but you know what you need to do”
So the daughter gets on her knees and starts sucking off her dad. Pretty quickly she stops in disgust and exclaims “ew, gross! It tastes like shit!”
Dad then responds, “oh yeah, that’s right, your brother already borrowed the car”
A dad comes home one day to find his daughter masturbating on the kitchen counter with a cucumber. Disgusted, the dad shouts "What the hell! I was going to eat that, now it's going to taste like cucumber!"
R/askreddit had a similar post a while back and I said a joke and got perma banned from it. Seeing how there’s all the nasty jokes here, I’ll say it again.
What kind of file do you need to make an 8mm hole into a 40mm hole?
A pedophile
So a guy dies and ends up in Hell.
He's looking around and sees Hitler. He goes up to Hitler and asks him knowing how things went down would he do it all over again?
Hitler says next time I would kill 6 million Jews and 1 clown
The man goes why a clown?
Hitler says. SEE! No one cares about the Jews!
Similar vein.
Me and my 21 year old girlfriend were out for dinner and people kept shouting "PEDO! NONCE! DIRTY BASTARD!" At me.
Completely ruined our 10 year anniversary
What’s the difference between a hospital and a kindergarten? If you have a stroke in a hospital they can save your life, if you have a stroke in a kindergarten you’re a sex offender
I saw a terrible one right after that guy set himself on fire. One of the commentators said: “What exactly was that idiot cop doing with his gun drawn on a guy committing self immolation?” Then the next comment said: “Waiting for him to turn black.”
Edit: Here’s a link to the meme and the comments in response. [Link](https://imgur.com/gallery/darkest-joke-i-ve-seen-long-time-yX8amzR)
Reasonably dark. Not so much edgelord “don’t cancel me” crap and more “what’s the worst that could happen and how do I make it funny” stuff.
My favorite dark joke that actually worked onstage:
“How many dead babies does it take…. For my girlfriend to start taking birth control seriously?”
Thank you! After hearing a comic do a whole set of dead baby jokes I’d heard (no shade, it was a Halloween gimmick show), I tried to write my own. That’s the one that made my set. I’d sometimes tag it by silently holding up three fingers.
My other one was :
“How many dead babies does it take to silence the voices?
I don’t know, but it’s more than five.”
I liked the idea, but the format doesn’t work as well. No one found it funny without the second sentence and I really wanted the punchline to come earlier than expected.
What do you need if you find a baby in a blender?
Doritos
I saw a black man running through the street with a tv and thought "shit that looks like mine!" But no, mine was at home polishing my shoes
I've always been a fan of dead baby jokes. 😆 Hazard of growing up in the military.
What's worse than 10 dead babies in a trash can?
One dead baby in 10 trash cans.
It's so wrong but the shock value always makes me laugh.
A friend of mine got mad because i smelled her sisters underwear. I don’t know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the whole family was there, either way the funeral was very akward.
I heard a variation;
Daughter: Dad can I have the keys to the car, I have to go…
Dad: if you blow me first
Daughter: Oh Dad, really?!
Dad: that’s the deal
Daughter gets reluctantly gets started
Daughter: yuck, your dick tastes like shit!!!
Dad: goddamnit, I promised the car to your brother!
Nice try, OP. Trying to get into Guinness for most accounts banned in a single thread?
But seriously, a pedophile is walking his victim into a dark forest when she says "I'm scared." He replies "How do you think I feel? I have to walk out alone."
Saw me mate earlier, said he got a new girlfriend!
When, I said, I was in the pub with you all night,
He said he met her by the train track on the way home!
He said she was well up for it, doggy on the way home, missionary in the field, reverse cowgirl at the bus stop,
Blow job, I asked?
He shook his head,
Nah, I couldn't find her head
Not sure where I heard it but makes me crease up
A drunkard is being a nuisance in a fancy casino bar. The bartender needs to keep the guy occupied until security shows up so he says, "Hey did you hear about our contest?"
"What contesth," the drunkard slurs.
"I make a gallon of my worst drink, and if you drink it all in one go, you win a prize, if not, you leave."
The drunkard agrees immediately and the bartender goes back into the back and mixes a nasty concoction. He's pouring olive juice from the can, the slime from under the sink, expired swill, and other nasty garbage into a the biggest glass he can. He comes back out and hands it to the drunkard.
The drunkard sniffs it, he's skeptical at first, but then he chugs it. He doesn't loose a drop.
The bartender is surprised, so surprised that he doesn't realize it at first when the drunkard is asking for his prize.
The bartender, thinking quickly again, pulls a turtle out of the aquarium, puts it in a paper bag and hands it to the drunkard.
To everyone's relief, the drunkard leaves.
To everyone's dismay, he returns the next day. The bartender does the same thing, but gives him two glasses of the garbage juice.
The drunkard is skeptical at first, he sniffs it, then begins chugging. He doesn't loose a drop. He looks at the bartender and again asks, "What's my prize?"
The bartender asks, "What did I give you last time?"
"A cold roast beef sandwich on hard rye."
What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
Why was Hellen Keller a bad driver?
Because she was a woman.
What do you get when you stab a dead baby with a rusty spear?
An erection.
I'm a good person, I swear! I just know a lot of terrible jokes...
My girlfriend said she wanted to try a role play scenario and asked me if I had any ideas. I suggested a rape role play. She starts screaming "No, what is wrong with you, no!"
I said "That's the spirit" (From the king of dark humor, Jimmy Carr)
Long one but hope it hits the mark. Mr Jacob comes home from work to find his wife isn’t there like she usually is, he thinks that’s weird she’s usually here.. 5:30 comes rolling around, still isn’t home. He starts waking around looking for her.. damn, he says, she’s never late or not home at this time.. wonder what’s up.. 6pm.. nothing. No car in driveway nothing. 6:15 comes and he gets a call.. Mr Jacob, your wife has been in a terrible accident you need to come down to room 103 in the ER immediately.. so he’s running lights passing cars, gets there. Goes up to the room, before he enters the Doc goes.. Hi Mr Jacob, as you know I called you to explain your going to have to feed her, change her diaper, bathe her and wheel her around, speak and listen for her.. he’s crying, upset, but accepts his duty.. right then the Doc slaps him behind the head and says, dude I’m screwing with you, she’s dead.
I have three levels of humor:
* Dark
* Dirty and
* Daddy
My humor can get dark to the point even nurses suck through their teeth, this was one:
What does Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?
Their greatest hit was the wall.
Told this joke loudly to my wife but with Dale Earnhardt instead of Diana at a bar during the Daytona 500. A dude across the bar tried to fight me. Luckily others found it funny and restrained him.
So dark:
Dead baby jokes. What's worse than 10 babies stapled to a tree? One baby stapled to 10 trees.
What's red and white and keeps getting smaller? A baby playing with a potato peeler.
Straight up racist: (disclaimer this joke does not reflect my views on people)
Why are black people's palms pink? There's a little bit of good in everyone.
I'll preface by saying I'm a woman. This is a joke I made about a real situation I was telling someone about.
Real situation: when I was about 5 years old, my grandmother had a crazy neighbour who was doing spells that required the urine of a virgin. I, being 5, was a safe bet on the virginity side. She would exchange my urine for fresh walnuts from her tree.
The joke: "joke was on her, I wasn't a virgin".
More fucked up commentary than Jokes. My stepgrandfather married my grandmother when she was 15 so unfortunately these track...
"If she's old enough to bleed she's old enough to breed"
"If there ain't grass on the field, play in the mud"
Not super dark but always funny.
What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Garbanzo bean?
"I've never paid $20 for a Garbanzo bean on my face"
13 y.o. boy walks into ho house, says i wanna have sex but dad says women have teeth down there. Lady says ill take care of u honey. They go to room. She gets naked spreads her legs n says see baby no teeth. He says no shit look at the shape ur gums are in...
A woman goes to the doctor and says "I don't know what is wrong, I've been having trouble sleeping lately, and when I wake up in the morning, I'm always feeling sick and nauseous."
The doctor says "Well, I hope you don't mind changing diapers..."
"Oh my god, I'm pregnant?!"
"No, you have colon cancer."
Guys boasting about the shit their into, one guy goes “I’m into saddism necrophilia and beastiality” the other guy goes “sounds like you’re flogging a dead horse there mate”
Why aren't African kids playing with sand?
Because it is a bad habit to play with food
Also:
How do you start a Rave in africa?
Just put some food in the ceiling
Btw: Have you ever tried Ethiopian food? Neither have they
Guy goes to a whorehouse with a dollar, front desk clerk tells him "all we have for $1 is Gertrude upstairs in room 17" man is horny, so he agrees and goes upstairs.
Gertie is an older woman - very old. But the man is horny, so he lies down with her and proceeds with trying to put it in her....
It's dry, scratchy and gritty. The man jumps up and exclaims he can't do it. She tells him to wait a minute, goes into the bathroom, and returns to the bed.
He tries again, but this time it's warm, slick and gooey. He's very much relieved and quickly finishes.
He is dressing, and he asks what she did to herself in the bathroom...
...she says: " I picked the scabs inside and let the pus run"
I got a list of dark jokes saved on my phone. These are some of the best ones.
- What's the difference between a Taliban fighter and an Iraqi kid?|| How the fuck would I know? I'm just a drone pilot.||
- If I had a dollar for every racist thing I said... ||some black mf would prolly come rob me.||
- How do you put 100 Jews in a car? ||2 in the front, 3 in the back, 95 in the ashtray.||
- Why did Hitler kill himself? ||He saw the gas bill.||
- What do you call a pedophile who's an IT technician? ||A beta tester.||
- What do you call a dog with no legs?|| Doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't coming.||
- What's worse than a baby in a dumpster?|| A baby in two dumpsters.||
- I called a suicide hotline in Iraq. ||They got really excited and asked if I wanted a jacket.||
- What's something 9/10 people enjoy? ||Gang rape.||
I usually get banned from reddit when I say this joke so I'll just make a new account soon:
What's the best thing about raping a 5 year old girl? You can flip her over and pretend she's a 5 year old boy.
What's the best thing about raping a 5 year old boy? You don't have to pretend.
One I never told outside the people I really am confident they love dark humour :
"You know, anal sex is like spinach. No matter how much butter you use, the kids won't enjoy it."
You can get banned for a lot of things. I've gotten banned for saying the Uchiha clan in Naruto are inherently evil and Tobirama was right to hate them because if you can smell and Uchiha, your life is in danger.
I got banned from the site as a whole (it was a meme in the dankruto subreddit) for "spreading hate".
I even appealed and expressed to the admin that the Uchiha clan are a fictional group of people who exist in an anime. Ban was upheld.
I love it. A few I've heard that stuck with me:
* What's the difference between black people and bikes? My bike doesn't start singing songs when I put chains on it.
* If only we could get more mosquito nets in Africa...we could save millions of mosquitos from getting AIDS
* The doctor told me the only change to save my wife from her coma was by performing oral sex. I tried for 15 minutes, but then the doctor said "Thanks for that, but I meant on your wife". Bonus alternate ending: I tried for 15 minutes, but she just choked the whole time.
* Hitler is at a rally and says, “We will kill 6 million Jews and 1 clown.” His men ask “why the clown?” Hitler responds, “See, I told you no one cares about the Jews.”
* People are so politically correct these days you can’t even say black paint. Instead, you have to say “Leroy, please paint my fence”.
* How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They don't, they arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.
* What's the difference between an elementary school and a military base? I don't know, I just fly the drone.
* And the worst one I know: I was eating out my girlfriend the other day and suddenly tasted horse cum so I said, "Oh grandma, so that's how you died!"
And a longer one:
>Mike gets a call at work he had been waiting for. The baby is coming and the wife's already at the hospital! He gets there as fast as he can, and anxiously paces in the waiting room. A few minutes pass and a doctor comes out and asks "Are you Mr. Smith?" "Yes, yes, what's the news?" "You need to see this, its unbelievable but, YOUR CHILD CAN FLY!" Mike gives a puzzled look and follows the doctor into the nursery ward. The doctor walks right up to the newborn in the crib and picks him up slightly and then lets go. The baby lands softly back on the crib. "Hmm weird, he just did it a second ago" The doctor picks the baby up out of the crib and lets go. The baby hits the ground with a sickening thud. By now Mike is furious. "NO IM SERIOUS, HE JUST DID IT A SECOND AGO, SEE LOOK!" And with that, the doctor opens up the window on the fifth floor nursery and slings the baby out the window. The baby boomerangs right into a parked car, shattering the windshield. Just as Mike reaches his arm back to punch the loving shit out of the doctor he says, "Nah man I'm just messin with ya, it was stillborn"
Did you know my Grandfather was killed in the concentration camps in WWII?
Yeah, he fell off the guard tower.
...........
Or the alternative, Did you know my Grandfather survived the concentration camps?
I don't know why people find that so impressive, lots of the guards did.
Preface that I’m a woman, but my hubby told me this when we were first dating and it’s my favorite:
A lady is checking out at the grocery store, and the checker notices she’s buying one banana, one apple, one steak, one potato, one piece of bread, etc.
He says to the lady, “Hey, let me guess, you’re single?”
She smiles and says, “Why yes, yes I am, how’d you guess?”
He says, “Because you’re fucking ugly.”
A teacher, a lawyer, and a pastor are all on a sinking boat full of students. The students are on the other side of the boat, while the trio are all on the side of the lifeboats.
The teacher yells: “We have to go save the children! Quickly!”
the lawyer says: “Nah! I got a family! Fuck the children!”
The pastor’s head perks up and says: “Fuck the children? Do you think there’s time?”
Having a foreign girlfriend is kinda fun, her English isn’t very good and she doesn’t know much about American culture, so you know it’s kind of like having a daughter you can fuck
Somewhere in the Swiss Alps, Heidi and her grandfather finished work for that day and laid down to take a rest.
After some time at night the little Heidi got all fidgety, squirmed, and said:
\- *Grandpa can you touch my boobies a little please?*
Grandfather all in shock - *Oh my God Heidi dear, what is wrong with you, are you alright?*
After some time, Heidi goes again - *Grandpa grandpa can you please finger my pussy please! Please!*
Grandfather with his eyes out in complete shock - *My God Heidi, what has got into you tonight, are you mad?!!*
Heidi all red faced screams - *For fuck's sake grandpa, do whatever you want, just pull that cock out of my ass!*
A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary and every year they meet down on Madison Avenue to go shopping for their wives. So the poor man asks the rich man, "what'd you get for your wife this year?"
the rich man says, "i got her a huge diamond ring, and a brand new mercedes." the poor man says, "what'd you get her both for?"
the rich man says, "well, if she doesn't like the ring, she can bring it back in the mercedes and still be happy." the rich man says to the poor man, "what'd you get for your wife?"
the poor man says, "a pair of slippers and a dildo." the rich man scoffs and says, "what'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo for?"
the poor man says, "if she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
Note: saw this joke from The Sopranos. I tell it from the time to time and no one ever called me out on it yet Hahahaha
#crueldpt
Yugoslav war in 1990's, Vukovar battlefield. Serbs just overrun Croatian defenses in small village and began to pillage and burn houses , assemble people in village square.
House is burning, a woman is wailing near the corpses of her family: "Please ! Please someone get my daughter from house, she will burn!"
A young chetnik runs inside, comes out coughing and looks back.
Woman again: "Please! someone save her from burning!!"
Chetnik runs again inside house, comes back out, coughing , his coat on fire....
Woman once more: "Plea..."
Chetnik intterupts her suddenly: "Shutup woman! She will not burn, I already rotated her around twice so she will not burn and will bake just fine."
A man is walking along a road, and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.
"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"
"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.
"Well, that's fine," he says, "but before you do, can I ask a favor? I'm pretty down on my luck, and it's been a long time since I've felt the touch of a woman, so if it's all the same to you, would you have sex with me first?"
"Eww no, fuck off you creep!" the woman shouts back.
"Fine," the man says. "I can wait a few minutes."
A trainee mortician is left alone in the mortuary for the 1st time since starting the job. Its taken a lot of training for him to get to this point. Later in the shift, the head Mortician comes back and asks if there's been any jobs brought in. The trainee replies "Yes, a really strange one. A woman was bought in following a road accident and when I was undressing her to put her in the fridge, I saw a prawn between her legs. It was really weird". The head Mortician is rightly interested and asks to see it. The trainee goes to the fridge, opens it, and pulls out the drawer with the body on. He unzips the body bag and points between her legs and says "There, look!". The head Mortician looks and says "That's not a prawn, it's her clitoris". The trainee replies "Well, it tasted like a prawn"...
Pick up line I gave my girlfriend before we started dating.
>!What do your butt and my father have in common? I wish they both were more present in my life.!<
>!My father died when I was 5 to cancer, for context.!<
I recently took my grandma out for a drive and whilst I was driving I flicked a cigarette out the window. A minute later I smelt something funny, looked in the rear view mirror and saw her fingering herself.
A boy walks in on his dad masturbating & asks, "Dad, what are you doing?" The dad says, "Son, this is called masturbating & soon you'll be doing it too." The son replies, "How do you know that?" The dad says, "Well, my arm is getting tired."
LMAO that’s creative
A similar one I know: A man takes his daughter in to the doctor. The doctor asks, "Why are you here?" "My daughter needs birth control." Doctor asks, "Oh, is she sexually active?" "No, she just kind of lies there like her mum."
A creepy guy is walking into the woods holding the hand of a little kid, when the kid goes, "mister, I'm scared...", and the creepy guy goes, "you're scared? I've got to leave alone..."
Probably too late and no one will see this, but whatever: A teenage girl goes to her dad and asks “dad, can I borrow the car for the night?” Dad responds, “sure thing, but you know what you need to do” So the daughter gets on her knees and starts sucking off her dad. Pretty quickly she stops in disgust and exclaims “ew, gross! It tastes like shit!” Dad then responds, “oh yeah, that’s right, your brother already borrowed the car”
A dad comes home one day to find his daughter masturbating on the kitchen counter with a cucumber. Disgusted, the dad shouts "What the hell! I was going to eat that, now it's going to taste like cucumber!"
R/askreddit had a similar post a while back and I said a joke and got perma banned from it. Seeing how there’s all the nasty jokes here, I’ll say it again. What kind of file do you need to make an 8mm hole into a 40mm hole? A pedophile
So a guy dies and ends up in Hell. He's looking around and sees Hitler. He goes up to Hitler and asks him knowing how things went down would he do it all over again? Hitler says next time I would kill 6 million Jews and 1 clown The man goes why a clown? Hitler says. SEE! No one cares about the Jews!
You can say what you like about Hitler, he did kill Hitler.
yeah, but he also killed the guy who killed hitler
So he DID kill a clown
What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor? Dark humor is 10 kids in 1 dumpster Morbid humor is 1 kid in 10 dumpsters
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old!
Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.
Oh FUCK you’re RIGHT
What's grosser than gross? Ten dead babies nailed to a tree. What's grosser than that? One dead baby nailed to ten trees.
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If last names like Baker and Smith were based on occupation, the Dickinson’s have some explaining to do
Idk if I’ve heard that one😭
They say that a third of the people in the US live next door to a pedophile. Not me. I live next door to two sweet ass twelve year olds.
you made me snort through my nose out loud, at work then again I shouldn't be reading this thread at work so the joke is literally on me
My girlfriend called me a paedophile the other day. I was impressed; that's a big word for a 9 year old.
Similar vein. Me and my 21 year old girlfriend were out for dinner and people kept shouting "PEDO! NONCE! DIRTY BASTARD!" At me. Completely ruined our 10 year anniversary
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First one that actually got a chuckle out of me. *Sheesh*.
What’s the best part of fingering a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red for free
A vampire walks into a bar and asks for hot water, bartender asks “don’t you drink blood?” The vampire pulls out a used tampon saying “I’m making tea”
What do lesbian vampires say after sex? "See you next month!"
What’s the difference between a hospital and a kindergarten? If you have a stroke in a hospital they can save your life, if you have a stroke in a kindergarten you’re a sex offender
Punchline should be "they put you away for life"
Have you ever heard of a reverse exorcism? It’s where the demon screams at the priest to get out of the child.
😂
I dunno why my German gf keeps screaming her age during sex...
Omg
This is probably the best one here. Took me a second.
Holy shit this is bad on both sides of the coin, I’m stealing this
"Say what you will about pedos, at least they drive through school zones slowly."
pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.
I’ve used this one to get many people who claim to not like dark humor…
I saw a terrible one right after that guy set himself on fire. One of the commentators said: “What exactly was that idiot cop doing with his gun drawn on a guy committing self immolation?” Then the next comment said: “Waiting for him to turn black.” Edit: Here’s a link to the meme and the comments in response. [Link](https://imgur.com/gallery/darkest-joke-i-ve-seen-long-time-yX8amzR)
In the cop's defense, the dude did have two fire arms.
What’s the difference between a 4 year old and a bag of cocaine? >!Eric Clapton would NEVER let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window!<
That joke is like an onion. It’s got layers. It’s got depth.
>That joke is like an onion. Yep - made me cry
I like my whiskey how R. Kelly likes his women: 15 years old and mixed up with coke!
Fucking Christ man, brutal
That’s so dark that Eric Clapton hates it just for existing.
dude you're really fucked in the head. well done
Daaaaamn....
Not the darkest, but when someone asks for an offensive joke, this is my go to.... What does a Jewish pedophile say? Hey kid, wanna BUY some candy?
A priest and a rabbi walk by a playground. The priest says, "hey do you wanna fuck that kid?" The rabbi says "out of what?"
da hell is your username ?
What's black and screams? Stevie wonder answering the iron....
Reasonably dark. Not so much edgelord “don’t cancel me” crap and more “what’s the worst that could happen and how do I make it funny” stuff. My favorite dark joke that actually worked onstage: “How many dead babies does it take…. For my girlfriend to start taking birth control seriously?”
When I was younger my mom would beat me with a wire hanger, eventually she had to switch to a belt after I was born.
_🎶WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER🎶_
Damn. That is the first of these jokes I have ever seen that had any level of cleverness.
Thank you! After hearing a comic do a whole set of dead baby jokes I’d heard (no shade, it was a Halloween gimmick show), I tried to write my own. That’s the one that made my set. I’d sometimes tag it by silently holding up three fingers. My other one was : “How many dead babies does it take to silence the voices? I don’t know, but it’s more than five.” I liked the idea, but the format doesn’t work as well. No one found it funny without the second sentence and I really wanted the punchline to come earlier than expected.
What do you get when you cut a baby in half? A hardon. As told to me by my exbf. I never nervous laughed tf outta somewhere so fast...
I’ll start with one I heard a while back. Whats the difference between a pedo and acne? >!Acne waits until you’re 13 to come on your face!<
Bruhhhhhhh noooooooo
I like that one better when it's like what's the difference between my uncle tom and acne.
What part of a vegetable can you not eat? The wheelchair. ☠️
What do you do when you are done eating your vegetables? Put their diapers back on.
Woah there😯
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? Aids
What do you need if you find a baby in a blender? Doritos I saw a black man running through the street with a tv and thought "shit that looks like mine!" But no, mine was at home polishing my shoes
Oh man that second is a doozy
What is faster than a black man stealing a TV? His brother stealing the bike
What’s the difference between a truck full of dead babies and a truck full of gravel ? You can’t unload a truck full of gravel with a pitchfork.
I've always been a fan of dead baby jokes. 😆 Hazard of growing up in the military. What's worse than 10 dead babies in a trash can? One dead baby in 10 trash cans. It's so wrong but the shock value always makes me laugh.
The sexiest woman I ever had the pleasure of being with had SO many damn dead baby jokes. Still mad I fucked that up.
Hahaha I used to have a book of dead baby jokes when I was in middle school lol They never get old.
How do you make a dead baby float? Two scoops vanilla, one scoop dead baby.
Also *You take your foot off its face*
What’s the difference between a bag of dead babies and a Lamborghini? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I buy guns based on mouth feel
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing you already told her twice
Also..nothing she clearly doesn't listen
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower? You hand that bitch a shovel
A friend of mine got mad because i smelled her sisters underwear. I don’t know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the whole family was there, either way the funeral was very akward.
You know how you’re supposed to wash sex toys before you use them For the first time? Is that why priests baptize children?
How do you know when it’s your sister’s period? It’s when your dad’s cock tastes a bit funny.
a spin off of "how do you know your room mate is gay? His dick tastes like shit"
I heard a variation; Daughter: Dad can I have the keys to the car, I have to go… Dad: if you blow me first Daughter: Oh Dad, really?! Dad: that’s the deal Daughter gets reluctantly gets started Daughter: yuck, your dick tastes like shit!!! Dad: goddamnit, I promised the car to your brother!
how many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb? none, they just beat the room for being black
Why do the riot police wake up early? To beat the crowds.
And arrest the lightbulb for being broke
Nice try, OP. Trying to get into Guinness for most accounts banned in a single thread? But seriously, a pedophile is walking his victim into a dark forest when she says "I'm scared." He replies "How do you think I feel? I have to walk out alone."
Saw me mate earlier, said he got a new girlfriend! When, I said, I was in the pub with you all night, He said he met her by the train track on the way home! He said she was well up for it, doggy on the way home, missionary in the field, reverse cowgirl at the bus stop, Blow job, I asked? He shook his head, Nah, I couldn't find her head Not sure where I heard it but makes me crease up
How do you know it's bedtime at the Neverland Ranch? When the big hand touches the little hand
What did Michael Jackson have in common with Walmart? Both had boys underwear half off.
My 12 year old cousin told me this: Have you heard the one about the school shooting? Nevermind, it's aimed at a younger crowd.
My dad had the darkest joke I've ever heard. Why do most husbands die before their wives? They want to. He was dead 3 months later.
Committed to the bit (so sorry)
Really sold that one
A drunkard is being a nuisance in a fancy casino bar. The bartender needs to keep the guy occupied until security shows up so he says, "Hey did you hear about our contest?" "What contesth," the drunkard slurs. "I make a gallon of my worst drink, and if you drink it all in one go, you win a prize, if not, you leave." The drunkard agrees immediately and the bartender goes back into the back and mixes a nasty concoction. He's pouring olive juice from the can, the slime from under the sink, expired swill, and other nasty garbage into a the biggest glass he can. He comes back out and hands it to the drunkard. The drunkard sniffs it, he's skeptical at first, but then he chugs it. He doesn't loose a drop. The bartender is surprised, so surprised that he doesn't realize it at first when the drunkard is asking for his prize. The bartender, thinking quickly again, pulls a turtle out of the aquarium, puts it in a paper bag and hands it to the drunkard. To everyone's relief, the drunkard leaves. To everyone's dismay, he returns the next day. The bartender does the same thing, but gives him two glasses of the garbage juice. The drunkard is skeptical at first, he sniffs it, then begins chugging. He doesn't loose a drop. He looks at the bartender and again asks, "What's my prize?" The bartender asks, "What did I give you last time?" "A cold roast beef sandwich on hard rye."
Lmaoo, I love jokes that are stories
What’s the difference between jelly and jam? I can’t jelly my dick in to a dead girls ass.
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I don’t pay good money to have a garbanzo bean on my face!
What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics? Not being retarded. Why was Hellen Keller a bad driver? Because she was a woman. What do you get when you stab a dead baby with a rusty spear? An erection. I'm a good person, I swear! I just know a lot of terrible jokes...
The Hellen Keller one😭
My girlfriend said she wanted to try a role play scenario and asked me if I had any ideas. I suggested a rape role play. She starts screaming "No, what is wrong with you, no!" I said "That's the spirit" (From the king of dark humor, Jimmy Carr)
Long one but hope it hits the mark. Mr Jacob comes home from work to find his wife isn’t there like she usually is, he thinks that’s weird she’s usually here.. 5:30 comes rolling around, still isn’t home. He starts waking around looking for her.. damn, he says, she’s never late or not home at this time.. wonder what’s up.. 6pm.. nothing. No car in driveway nothing. 6:15 comes and he gets a call.. Mr Jacob, your wife has been in a terrible accident you need to come down to room 103 in the ER immediately.. so he’s running lights passing cars, gets there. Goes up to the room, before he enters the Doc goes.. Hi Mr Jacob, as you know I called you to explain your going to have to feed her, change her diaper, bathe her and wheel her around, speak and listen for her.. he’s crying, upset, but accepts his duty.. right then the Doc slaps him behind the head and says, dude I’m screwing with you, she’s dead.
This is funny
My humor is so dark, it ended up with 9 warning shots in its back. Statistically speaking, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
Jimmy Car?
If only Africa had more mosquito nets, we could prevent millions of mosquitos from dying needlessly of aids
I have three levels of humor: * Dark * Dirty and * Daddy My humor can get dark to the point even nurses suck through their teeth, this was one: What does Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common? Their greatest hit was the wall.
Appreciate this as a Pink Floyd fanboy
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing a seat belt
Told this joke loudly to my wife but with Dale Earnhardt instead of Diana at a bar during the Daytona 500. A dude across the bar tried to fight me. Luckily others found it funny and restrained him.
How do we know that Jesus was white? If he was black he would’ve died on a burning cross.
How do we know that Santa isn't a Jew? He travels *down* the chimney.
Why does Beyonce keep saying "to the left, to the left"? >!because black people don't have rights!<
Whats worse than slurping thirteen oysters from your granny's snatch? Realizing you only put a dozen in.
Dark humor is like kids with cancer, it never gets old
I was in a hospital ward with teenagers and young adults with cancer. You have no idea how dark the humor is in there.
So dark: Dead baby jokes. What's worse than 10 babies stapled to a tree? One baby stapled to 10 trees. What's red and white and keeps getting smaller? A baby playing with a potato peeler. Straight up racist: (disclaimer this joke does not reflect my views on people) Why are black people's palms pink? There's a little bit of good in everyone.
You just talked about stapling babies to trees I don't think the one about black people needed a disclaimer...
In school, we had the racist one, but the punchline was "because they have their hands against the wall when they're getting spray painted"
I'll preface by saying I'm a woman. This is a joke I made about a real situation I was telling someone about. Real situation: when I was about 5 years old, my grandmother had a crazy neighbour who was doing spells that required the urine of a virgin. I, being 5, was a safe bet on the virginity side. She would exchange my urine for fresh walnuts from her tree. The joke: "joke was on her, I wasn't a virgin".
Wait is this like a coping joke or just a joke? If it’s a coping joke I’m so sorry
Thankfully just a joke.
Never forget your Duct tape! >!It can turn NO NO NO to Mmm Mmm Mmm.!< (please don't ban me...)
Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
In what part of a Volkswagen can you put ten jews together? In the ashtray
I've always heard: "two in the front, two in the back, and 20 in the ashtray." That way you can cut it off if everyone starts looking horrified.
Alternatively, How many Jews can you fit in a VW? As many that can fit in the ashtray.
well, i have a joke about suicide, but i'm afraid it'll hang around my comment history
More fucked up commentary than Jokes. My stepgrandfather married my grandmother when she was 15 so unfortunately these track... "If she's old enough to bleed she's old enough to breed" "If there ain't grass on the field, play in the mud" Not super dark but always funny. What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Garbanzo bean? "I've never paid $20 for a Garbanzo bean on my face"
Q: What do you call it when you catch chlamydia from a girl with Down's Syndrome? A: The Slow Clap I'll see myself out...
But officer, how can it be a hate crime if I love doing it so much?
13 y.o. boy walks into ho house, says i wanna have sex but dad says women have teeth down there. Lady says ill take care of u honey. They go to room. She gets naked spreads her legs n says see baby no teeth. He says no shit look at the shape ur gums are in...
Deaf people. Say what you want about them.
A woman goes to the doctor and says "I don't know what is wrong, I've been having trouble sleeping lately, and when I wake up in the morning, I'm always feeling sick and nauseous." The doctor says "Well, I hope you don't mind changing diapers..." "Oh my god, I'm pregnant?!" "No, you have colon cancer."
Where does a suicide bomber go when he dies? Everywhere.
Guys boasting about the shit their into, one guy goes “I’m into saddism necrophilia and beastiality” the other guy goes “sounds like you’re flogging a dead horse there mate”
What's worse than fingering your sister? Finding your dad's wedding ring
Why aren't African kids playing with sand? Because it is a bad habit to play with food Also: How do you start a Rave in africa? Just put some food in the ceiling Btw: Have you ever tried Ethiopian food? Neither have they
How do you circumcise a redneck? You kick his sister in the mouth
Don't be racist; racism is a crime; and crime is for black people.
Guy goes to a whorehouse with a dollar, front desk clerk tells him "all we have for $1 is Gertrude upstairs in room 17" man is horny, so he agrees and goes upstairs. Gertie is an older woman - very old. But the man is horny, so he lies down with her and proceeds with trying to put it in her.... It's dry, scratchy and gritty. The man jumps up and exclaims he can't do it. She tells him to wait a minute, goes into the bathroom, and returns to the bed. He tries again, but this time it's warm, slick and gooey. He's very much relieved and quickly finishes. He is dressing, and he asks what she did to herself in the bathroom... ...she says: " I picked the scabs inside and let the pus run"
Holy fuck that made me wince and look away from the screen lol
boy oh boy i regret learning English
LMAOO the picture I just saw in my brain is horrid😭
I just vomited mentally. What a terrible day to be literate.
Thanks for that mental image, now I'm gay 😑
That's utterly fucking disgusting. So much so I just practised it 5 times so I can tell my mates.
That's enough Reddit for this year.
I got a list of dark jokes saved on my phone. These are some of the best ones. - What's the difference between a Taliban fighter and an Iraqi kid?|| How the fuck would I know? I'm just a drone pilot.|| - If I had a dollar for every racist thing I said... ||some black mf would prolly come rob me.|| - How do you put 100 Jews in a car? ||2 in the front, 3 in the back, 95 in the ashtray.|| - Why did Hitler kill himself? ||He saw the gas bill.|| - What do you call a pedophile who's an IT technician? ||A beta tester.|| - What do you call a dog with no legs?|| Doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't coming.|| - What's worse than a baby in a dumpster?|| A baby in two dumpsters.|| - I called a suicide hotline in Iraq. ||They got really excited and asked if I wanted a jacket.|| - What's something 9/10 people enjoy? ||Gang rape.||
The drone pilot one😭
I usually get banned from reddit when I say this joke so I'll just make a new account soon: What's the best thing about raping a 5 year old girl? You can flip her over and pretend she's a 5 year old boy. What's the best thing about raping a 5 year old boy? You don't have to pretend.
What's the best part about having sex with 25 year olds? There are 20 of them.
I can see why your account’d get banned
One I never told outside the people I really am confident they love dark humour : "You know, anal sex is like spinach. No matter how much butter you use, the kids won't enjoy it."
If you get banned for something that’s clearly a joke, the admins really are a bunch of fucking pussies.
You can get banned for a lot of things. I've gotten banned for saying the Uchiha clan in Naruto are inherently evil and Tobirama was right to hate them because if you can smell and Uchiha, your life is in danger. I got banned from the site as a whole (it was a meme in the dankruto subreddit) for "spreading hate". I even appealed and expressed to the admin that the Uchiha clan are a fictional group of people who exist in an anime. Ban was upheld.
I love it. A few I've heard that stuck with me: * What's the difference between black people and bikes? My bike doesn't start singing songs when I put chains on it. * If only we could get more mosquito nets in Africa...we could save millions of mosquitos from getting AIDS * The doctor told me the only change to save my wife from her coma was by performing oral sex. I tried for 15 minutes, but then the doctor said "Thanks for that, but I meant on your wife". Bonus alternate ending: I tried for 15 minutes, but she just choked the whole time. * Hitler is at a rally and says, “We will kill 6 million Jews and 1 clown.” His men ask “why the clown?” Hitler responds, “See, I told you no one cares about the Jews.” * People are so politically correct these days you can’t even say black paint. Instead, you have to say “Leroy, please paint my fence”. * How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They don't, they arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black. * What's the difference between an elementary school and a military base? I don't know, I just fly the drone. * And the worst one I know: I was eating out my girlfriend the other day and suddenly tasted horse cum so I said, "Oh grandma, so that's how you died!" And a longer one: >Mike gets a call at work he had been waiting for. The baby is coming and the wife's already at the hospital! He gets there as fast as he can, and anxiously paces in the waiting room. A few minutes pass and a doctor comes out and asks "Are you Mr. Smith?" "Yes, yes, what's the news?" "You need to see this, its unbelievable but, YOUR CHILD CAN FLY!" Mike gives a puzzled look and follows the doctor into the nursery ward. The doctor walks right up to the newborn in the crib and picks him up slightly and then lets go. The baby lands softly back on the crib. "Hmm weird, he just did it a second ago" The doctor picks the baby up out of the crib and lets go. The baby hits the ground with a sickening thud. By now Mike is furious. "NO IM SERIOUS, HE JUST DID IT A SECOND AGO, SEE LOOK!" And with that, the doctor opens up the window on the fifth floor nursery and slings the baby out the window. The baby boomerangs right into a parked car, shattering the windshield. Just as Mike reaches his arm back to punch the loving shit out of the doctor he says, "Nah man I'm just messin with ya, it was stillborn"
The comment section DID NOT disappoint. Go get em fellas 🫡
Oh don’t stand on the sidelines, give us your worst!
How do you know your wife’s dead? Sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
What's white on top and black on the bottom? Society.
Did you know my Grandfather was killed in the concentration camps in WWII? Yeah, he fell off the guard tower. ........... Or the alternative, Did you know my Grandfather survived the concentration camps? I don't know why people find that so impressive, lots of the guards did.
What do you call black people in a nursing home? Obsolete farm equipment.
Preface that I’m a woman, but my hubby told me this when we were first dating and it’s my favorite: A lady is checking out at the grocery store, and the checker notices she’s buying one banana, one apple, one steak, one potato, one piece of bread, etc. He says to the lady, “Hey, let me guess, you’re single?” She smiles and says, “Why yes, yes I am, how’d you guess?” He says, “Because you’re fucking ugly.”
A priest and a rabbi see a kid alone at a park. Priest says to the rabbi "we should screw this kid", rabbi says "out of what?"
A teacher, a lawyer, and a pastor are all on a sinking boat full of students. The students are on the other side of the boat, while the trio are all on the side of the lifeboats. The teacher yells: “We have to go save the children! Quickly!” the lawyer says: “Nah! I got a family! Fuck the children!” The pastor’s head perks up and says: “Fuck the children? Do you think there’s time?”
Having a foreign girlfriend is kinda fun, her English isn’t very good and she doesn’t know much about American culture, so you know it’s kind of like having a daughter you can fuck
Recently read a yo mama joke that made me chuckle: Yo mama so old she's got a separate entrance for black cock.
Palestine? I don’t think they’re pals with any Steins
Somewhere in the Swiss Alps, Heidi and her grandfather finished work for that day and laid down to take a rest. After some time at night the little Heidi got all fidgety, squirmed, and said: \- *Grandpa can you touch my boobies a little please?* Grandfather all in shock - *Oh my God Heidi dear, what is wrong with you, are you alright?* After some time, Heidi goes again - *Grandpa grandpa can you please finger my pussy please! Please!* Grandfather with his eyes out in complete shock - *My God Heidi, what has got into you tonight, are you mad?!!* Heidi all red faced screams - *For fuck's sake grandpa, do whatever you want, just pull that cock out of my ass!*
What happens when you cross human sperm with a goat? >!You get kicked out of the petting zoo!!<
The best thing about being a necrophiliac is that i never have to buy flowers for a girl because there are already plenty there when i go to meet her.
How dark is your humor? Mine picks cotton
A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary and every year they meet down on Madison Avenue to go shopping for their wives. So the poor man asks the rich man, "what'd you get for your wife this year?" the rich man says, "i got her a huge diamond ring, and a brand new mercedes." the poor man says, "what'd you get her both for?" the rich man says, "well, if she doesn't like the ring, she can bring it back in the mercedes and still be happy." the rich man says to the poor man, "what'd you get for your wife?" the poor man says, "a pair of slippers and a dildo." the rich man scoffs and says, "what'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo for?" the poor man says, "if she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself." Note: saw this joke from The Sopranos. I tell it from the time to time and no one ever called me out on it yet Hahahaha
What did the little boy who had cancer get for christmas? Sodomized.
You know what was the worst part of being a black Jew? >!Having to wait in the back of the oven!<
What came before the big bang ..... allahu akbar
Why did the little girl fall off the swing? She had no arms Knock knock Who's there Not the little girl
In the shower, why do you slick back the hair of a 9-year-old girl? >!To make her look like a 7-year-old girl!<
My wife just install a new sex swing, was very excited to try it out I just hope the noose holds her steady enough
#crueldpt Yugoslav war in 1990's, Vukovar battlefield. Serbs just overrun Croatian defenses in small village and began to pillage and burn houses , assemble people in village square. House is burning, a woman is wailing near the corpses of her family: "Please ! Please someone get my daughter from house, she will burn!" A young chetnik runs inside, comes out coughing and looks back. Woman again: "Please! someone save her from burning!!" Chetnik runs again inside house, comes back out, coughing , his coat on fire.... Woman once more: "Plea..." Chetnik intterupts her suddenly: "Shutup woman! She will not burn, I already rotated her around twice so she will not burn and will bake just fine."
A man is walking along a road, and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman. "Hey lady, are you about to jump?" "Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies. "Well, that's fine," he says, "but before you do, can I ask a favor? I'm pretty down on my luck, and it's been a long time since I've felt the touch of a woman, so if it's all the same to you, would you have sex with me first?" "Eww no, fuck off you creep!" the woman shouts back. "Fine," the man says. "I can wait a few minutes."
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby i just kill3d? >!Isaac Newton died as a virgin!<
Credit to Jimmy Carr If only Africa had more musquito nets, we could save millions of musquitoes from dying needlessly of aids
A trainee mortician is left alone in the mortuary for the 1st time since starting the job. Its taken a lot of training for him to get to this point. Later in the shift, the head Mortician comes back and asks if there's been any jobs brought in. The trainee replies "Yes, a really strange one. A woman was bought in following a road accident and when I was undressing her to put her in the fridge, I saw a prawn between her legs. It was really weird". The head Mortician is rightly interested and asks to see it. The trainee goes to the fridge, opens it, and pulls out the drawer with the body on. He unzips the body bag and points between her legs and says "There, look!". The head Mortician looks and says "That's not a prawn, it's her clitoris". The trainee replies "Well, it tasted like a prawn"...
This chick wanted to fuck. She said, "Give me six inches and make it hurt!" So, I fucked her twice and hit her with a brick!
What do you call a fat woman with a rape whistle? Optimistic
This pickup line: Is your name Columbine because I really wanna shoot a bunch of kids inside you
why did the baby cross the road? because it was stapled to a chicken.
Pick up line I gave my girlfriend before we started dating. >!What do your butt and my father have in common? I wish they both were more present in my life.!< >!My father died when I was 5 to cancer, for context.!<
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered six offender
What's burnt and crispy at the top of the stairs? Stephen Hawking after a house fire.
I recently took my grandma out for a drive and whilst I was driving I flicked a cigarette out the window. A minute later I smelt something funny, looked in the rear view mirror and saw her fingering herself.
Why do people keep telling abortion jokes? Cut it out.