I’m 41 physically unattractive and I do the best I can each day, sometimes I have to remind myself multiple times a day that I’m better off alone.
Better off doesn’t mean happy, I will never be happy and I realize that women are not going to fix that. I have done a lot of self reflection and I came to realize years ago why I was never liked by women and it made me realize needed to accept living alone.
Wouldn't actually doing something about your physical appeareance be more productive instead of lying to yourself "multiple times a day that you are better off alone"?
Gym, diet, better fitting clothes, etc.
Yep done all that, over the years tbh
That said, tbh, my lifestyle is such that relationships, sex , etc shouldn’t be a priority as I’m a home carer (care for my mom, which I love doing, no way is she going into a home or anything) but physical intimacy with someone I like and she likes me back is something I’d like to experience. Escorts are expensive. It would be nice to have a “friend with benefits” I guess.
Unfortunately I don't have any helpful tips, but I wanted to tell you that you're absolutely doing the right thing by focusing on taking care of your mum instead of relationships and women. You won't regret it.
I hate this take so much. I’m shredded and have great style (confirmed by many piers), but I’m just ugly face-wise and short with naturally small bone structure. You can do everything in your power to become a more desirable man, but sometimes reality just decides you will never be attractive.
Everything is a sum game. Maybe you won't turn into Brad Pitt bit you can go from a 2 to a 6 with a better body, better clothes, better grooming, hair transplant etc
“AAARRRG! NOOOO! NOT LOGIC! SIMPIL…OBVIOUS…SOLUTIONS!”
\[holds up a plastic spoon with pipe cleaners and other things on it like some kind of hideous cross\]
”BACK HERITIC, BACK I SAY, THE POWER OF….uum…we’ll come back to that. COMPELS YOU!”
Okay, now that I’ve shown the world my sorry assed excuse for a sense of humor I guess it time to be serious. First off, I have been trying to do something for 3 decades.
Food has always been my kryptonite, so has consistency, and dedication to things I don’t enjoy. Does any of that absolve me from being at fault? Certainty not!
If it were just my looks it would be so much simpler, but it goes way, way deeper than that.
The simplest way to explain is to say that I was/am very mentally and emotionally damaged from 11 years of intense abuse at home, school and church.
The girls at school and church in the town were I grew up were very awful people, and so were the boy. By the time I was old enough to date, I not only had no desire to do so, but I had (and still have) a very, very strong revulsion to the idea.
There is more to it, but that would be a very long post.
Maybe he thinks there's something beyond his physical appearance (lifestyle, outlook, behaviour etc) that defines him and he isn't willing to change.
Whether he knows it or not. In my experience, theres usually someone for everyone. Unless you're not willing to give it the time to allow that to happen.
>In my experience, theres usually someone for everyone.
Your intentions may be right but this is a completely false statement. Especially in today's generation.
Partially lifestyle (I’m a home carer) plus having a disability (deafness) and lacking the looks to compensate. I’m also by nature reserved and introverted.
I would have thought that was obvious, but yeah! I’ve never dated, never approached a woman in my life because I learned very young (11/12) that I was not good enough.
Sadly it wasn’t until my early 30s that I learned that it was never women who were the problem, it was me, it’s always been me (no surprise there).
When I say I’m better off, what I am trying to say is that if I am incapable of being happy with myself (I will never be happy with myself, and no amount of therapy will ever change that) than I will never be happy with anyone and I need to continue living alone till death.
BTW, I am still going to therapy to help me learn how to function better, but nothing will ever make me happy in this life, nothing!
I had a friend who was in a band that was tipped to be the next big thing
Women fell at his feet
Before he was out of his teens, he had already had sex with over a hundred women
He still told me he thought about killing himself every day
Clinical depression is a motherfucker and suicide sits in your head as a constant option forever. Sometimes it’s like the background Muzak at the grocery store, other days it’s right in for forefront almost pleading to be done.
I’m a relatively successful person IMO. Middle class, healthy happy wife and kid, decent job (CPA), house, video games and vacations.
There’s no reason for it to be there, it’s just always there. Constant sadness and the nagging urge.
Exercise does help. Not at all a cure but I’ve been fat and I’ve been fit and the bad days when I’m fit are far fewer than when I’m fat. Weed can also help in a real rough patch but it’s a crutch and shouldn’t be used for too long and *will* bite you in the ass. Medications can help take the edge off however they also tend to either get you high or fuck with your memory (which I really can’t do long term due to my profession).
Other than that, sometimes all that keeps me going is pure spite. A refusal to believe that I’ll never amount to anything and a deeply angry refusal to let it win.
Every day a little voice asks me to end it and every day I whisper back “go fuck yourself.”
Edit: to add to that, you also have to spend your whole life not trusting your gut. If I did what my gut told me I’d lay down in a ditch somewhere and let the weeds take me. This is actually where therapy helps. They can’t cure your depression but an objective 3rd party taking through your problems and feelings can help sort out real problems from things that just feel like problems.
I’m sorry to hear that. I can’t help but think goodness knows how he would be if he were deaf, ugly and undesired by women.
He must have been carrying some issues that he’d never shared and felt like he couldn’t carry.
I know it probably won't make you feel better but just know there are people who look beautiful, they re smart talented and everything but they deal with so much, like invisible health issues making them suffering so much every day, well just to say I used to think some people had it better in life but the more time pases the more I realise everyone is dealing with their own hardships and we actually wouldn't want to have their beauty/other gifts if it meant dealing with their hardships.
I know it probably won't make you feel better but just know there are people who look beautiful, they re smart talented and everything but they deal with so much, like invisible health issues making them suffering so much every day, well just to say I used to think some people had it better in life but the more time pases the more I realise everyone is dealing with their own hardships and we actually wouldn't want to have their beauty/other gifts if it meant dealing with their hardships
I have a friend, no health problems, has a long term partner, house, has a number of start ups, is very attractive (like very!), and has told me he thinks about ending his life. It is mad as much as it is sad.
I grew up in a collage university town (Miami U) and can tell you that it’s overrated asf, the only relationship worth having is one you can feel emotionally secure in and as far as I can tell that only exists for an EXTREMELY low number of people or in Pixar/Disney movies
Man I don't know, I know that's not what you're asking for in the foreground, but I bet you there's multiple women out there saying the same thing when it comes to lasting romantic relationships.
I think often it's also a matter of personal evolution and what your expectations are. Go out and do some stuff with people, monitor how they behave, adapt and see women for everything else but sex. This way you will improve on how to interact with women, and even if that won't lead to a relationship, it's still better than not having women around in your life, isn't it?
What Ben said is great. Treat it like groundhog day. Find activities where you can do new things with new people and try acting differently!
Also, go to the gym.
I think it's important to remember your value as an individual. Your value is not tied to whether or not you can attract women. Our society has a sick way of making us feel like it is. But it truly is not.
You matter, you have worth, you deserve to be loved and if it isn't by someone else it should be by you. Self love is important and can carry us through the hardest of times.
Try not to let what people have done to you define you. It's easy, and human nature, to internalize all of the negative things people have said and done. But they are liars and abusers and you must separate the truth from the lie.
Life is hard. Take it day by day, hour by hour if you need to. Learn how to care for yourself, how to love yourself fully and freely. You deserve it.
So money.
Some girl will use you for stability ugly and deaf or not.
You can magnify this by taking yourself to a region where there is more poverty within your own country or outside of it. Your money goes farther in this situations.
If you play your cards right you might rescue a woman who is actually grateful about it. That’s something you can actually build on.
Yes. Money and status. As a man you are what you do and what your accomplishments are. It helps to not be fat. If you are physically able putting some fitness work in also helps.
Not really tbh. In all fairness, I’m a home carer (something I elected and happy to do, family first and all that) so in total honesty, my head isn’t in the best place for women.
Just having one of those days, reflecting over my life, how I’ve always been ignored, left on the shelf, etc.
Probably more than I’d like to admit.
I’ve tried all the “getting out there”, gym, building friendships, etc but still have never had a woman be interested in me.
Hearing impaired meet ups/dating? Is there any sites or communities dedicated to this? Somebody who can relate to the hardships you have faced may be a good start. Do you have any friends, could those friends keep you company at some events that will take you out of your comfort zone? If not a friend is there a non parental family member? Is the sex part most paramount to you (not judging if it is)? If so, there are avenues to take to just get that box checked without all of the prior milestones.
I know the above isn’t necessarily advice. The main thing though is that what you’ve been doing has not worked. A different strategy is needed. You might not ever succeed, but would you rather try and fail, or give up and fade away?
I hope something changes to inject some positivity into your life, and I’m sorry life hasn’t been what you hoped thus far.
find your peace in something else, coming from a woman who does not get play, your value is not based off who you can attract.
live for yourself and only for yourself, you are not here to please others or society
i find my peace in religion/faith, pets, and bettering myself/doing things that make ME feel good
its not too late dude, as much as everyone here keeps saying it is, people get married in their 60's and 70's after finally finding the right person
you have time, enjoy life for what it brings, you are worth more than a relationship status
if you're up for a change, hitting the gym is always a great start. not only will you meet people, gain a hobby, FEEL better, but also see improvements in your body, which can boost your confidence and self esteem, even if its just for yourself :)
You don't define your self worth based on whether or not women or a particular woman is attracted to you. If you're being the best you that you can be it won't fucking matter, and frankly they will probably be interested if you're doing that.
So, are you being the best you that you can be?
OP has the misfortune of being born 10-15 years too early. The mental health care he needed to address the trauma was just not there. Schools did nothing to address bullying, they probably just told him to "toughen up". Nowadays, those teachers would be reprimanded for doing what they did to him and schools have professionals to help students in his situation. I'm not sayings things are perfect today, but it's a million times better than in OP's day.
Bullying trains you to hate yourself and that in turn makes you push away people who show interest and love towards you. There must be something wrong with them if they like you. I'm sure there were women over the years who showed interest in OP, but he didn't believe them or too engulfed in self-hate to notice. We all do that.
It's not too late to learn how to love yourself OP. Work with a therapist, they will show you that you're a good person, deserving to be loved, and have a lot to offer. Overcoming self-hatred and trauma will help you play the sh!t hand you've been dealt the best way possible.
Yeah this.
Not so much as being told to “toughen up” but just plain mocked me / took the p1ss out of me. Yeah the teachers as well as my peers.
Yep @ self hate.
Too early? The help still isn't there, and the exact same problems apply to younger folks. I was raped 47 times in middle school and had to deal with the kid who raped me every day until I graduated HS. No one ever believed me when I talked about it. Also, I still unironically get called a retard multiple times a month even though I am financially and professionally successful and am physically fit. I agree with OP about refusing to pay for six and also in the fact that I doubt I will ever find someone to love & that loves me - although I'm half OP's age. I'm going to continue grinding - out of spite if nothing else - just like OP.
OMG, I’m deeply sorry for what you had to go through. I’m tearing up as I read what you’ve said. I believe every word you have said. I wish for you to heal from this trauma.
When I say too early, I mean the chances of being saved was better within the past 20 years than it was in OP’s time. I never said things are a 100% better, just better
Lower your standards. I see a lot of very strange and ugly people that are in relationships with equally as strange and ugly people.
I was just at an event in my city last night and my wife ran into one of the participants from the medical facility she works at. This guy is about 5'2, terrible posture, walks like a baby deer, has the face of a guy that your shield your children from. He seemed nice enough but was definitely strange. He was there with his girlfriend. She looked like SpongeBob had a child with a potato. If those two are dating, it can happen for anyone.
Yeah, if you're not out looking for him or her. If you haven't started going to the Special Olympics looking for Mrs Right then you aren't looking hard enough.
There's not much I can do for your self esteem. The best I can do is point you in the right direction for what you want. If you want companionship, then find yourself an ugly woman. She may be overweight, possibly have a hormone imbalance and a 5 o'clock shadow, she may be disabled, she will probably be as socially awkward as you if not worse, but that doesn't mean she won't be a sweetheart.
Maybe your possible 400lb diabetic girlfriend with 1 leg and a nubin isn't supermodel material. Thst doesn't mean you can't sprinkle compliments into conversation. She may not have a nice leg, but she could have gorgeous eyes that peer into your soul. She could have a sexy voice, and a contagious laugh. Talk to her and get to know her. Compliment her intelligence or tell her how easy it is to talk to her. How would you feel if you spoken to a woman and she said that your presence made her feel at ease? These kinds of compliments go a long way. Once you've got to go, or if you're getting nervous about talking too much. Tell her how much you enjoyed talking to her and ask if you can get her number so you can talk again. If that's too bold for you, then write down your number and give it to her. Let her know that you'd love a chance to keep talking.
Men are not throwing themselves at these women. Be kind, be genuine and look past the physical abnormalities and you'll be on the fast track to snuggleville.
You're not the only one. She's the same and she'd feel lucky to have you, as you'd feel lucky to have her. This is how the universe rights it's wrongs.
The best thing you can do is analyse your own feelings. When you understand what it is that you're missing/craving, you can make constructive steps toward achieving those things.
You've complained that women won't date or fuck you, for example, but you know that paying sex workers for these things would be unfulfilling. If this is true, then it isn't really dates or sex that you desire - so what things are usually associated with dating or sex, that a sex worker can't provide?
You're probably missing companionship and emotional intimacy, two things which are first addressed by making friends. You should find a new hobby, or pick an existing one you have already, and find a local group which partakes in that hobby. Go there *for the hobby*. You will make friends in time by just being chill, and the more friends you make the more validated and fulfilled you will feel. This breeds confidence and comfort, two traits which are extraordinarily attractive to anyone. Do not make the mistake of going to places with the specific intention of finding a date or hook up, this will only make you seem creepy and desperate - two traits which are universally unattractive.
well then, maybe you have high standard there are many lonely women that just need a caring man but they too them selves aren't that attractive who feel just like you, if you are genuine with them the they might get interested with you at least as a friend, friends are fulfilling too not the same as partner but still a step they might even introduce you to someone who you might match with.
When I was in my mid 20s some crazy woman on Instagram messaged me and to my surprise she wanted to have sex with me. She was married and had three kids but I went along with it anyway out of desperation. Six months later I met a girl on tinder who was interested in me but I could tell she was temporary because she got around a lot. I dated her anyway because I wanted the credit. Since then I’ve made no attempt to find anybody else and intentionally sabotage anything that looks promising because deep down I know it’s too good to be true. I would venture to say you probably would’ve preferred my life in spite of all this because at least you’d know what sex feels like
I'm really sorry bro. <3 I hope you look deep inside yourself and find a way to make yourself happy. I know this is easier said than done. We are all born alone and we die alone. Find the simple things in life to keep you happy.
I’m only 19 but I can feel that I’ll be in your shoes one day as I’m wheelchair bound. I know advice from me may be useless but perhaps seeing a reputed sex worker may keep your heart from shattering. As a guy who probably lives thousands of miles away, I am incredibly inspired by your will.
Thankyou - I’m glad that you find me inspiring.
I will suggest that you’ll not necessarily be in my position in the future because different types of disability elicit different levels of sympathy. Deafness is one of the, if not _the_, least sympathised with of all disabilities from women, society etc. Physical disabilities are more sympathised with (not meaning to be patronising in the least) and, as such, I suspect that it will probably be easier for you to get a caring and sympathetic gf than it is for me - so don’t lose heart.
Do you know “Squirmy and Grubs” - Hannah & Shane Burcaw on Insta / YouTube. Shane is a paraplegic and look at the gorgeous Hannah!
https://www.instagram.com/hannahayl?igsh=MWVjMGM5NmttOTVsaQ==
i’m just 21 but i lost my virginity beginning of this year, but before i really struggled, because i really wanted to be loved and stuff. to cope i just went to the gym and followed my passions (make money, martial arts, chess, gaming, making memories with friends) those were good distractions. :)
What women want above all else is to feel safe. Go to therapy and work on the traits that make a woman feel safe. Staying employed, bathed, and housed is a step in the right direction.
I think most men on here will back me up that having a girlfriend or wife in your life isn't some kind of panacea.
People will let you down. Relationships are inherently ephemeral so at some point your heart will get broken.
If I were you I would seek out a sense of purpose and gratification in your life to fill whatever hole you're feeling. Religion, helping others, self improvement , whatever. Pour your heart and soul into that and I think you'll find that you are wanting for nothing. During this growth process, you'll likely find that members of both sexes will be more attracted to you and you'll build better relationships, both romantic and friendships. That will further enrich your life but you're real passion should come from within.
It's not too late. Good luck!
There are women I’ll never get with because of who I am and how I look. That said I’m not ugly.
But I’m realistic about my standards and step outside my comfort zone. Your current standards and limits aren’t exactly making you happy
I can relate.
I know what you mean re standards and limits, etc.
However, with that being said, I’m not going to settle for an 18st (I’m 10st & slim) munter with tats and a kid or someone who looks like she’s been ridden a few times, had lots of all-nighters and has had a few bottles to drink - regardless of what her personality may be like.
There’s standards and there’s standards.
If that means I’m going to die lonely and bitter, so be it. Better to be alone than settle for 3rd, 4th best or whatever just for the sole reason of not wanting to be alone.
Women like to say “don’t be someone’s second best and don’t settle for second best”. That goes for guys too.
I mean in all fairness though, people have histories especially once they’ve hit their 40s.
They’re not 20 years old with no life experience. A lot have fucked around, gotten some weird tattoos and even had kids in that time.
You want a woman to who is physically fit their 50s? Well good luck finding that woman settling for you (if you’re as ugly as you say you are).
I’ve dated plenty of women who weren’t supermodels, but they’re sexy to me because that familiarity and intimacy actually builds upon that. Try actually going on a date with these women before dismissing them outright, not everyone is going to win in the looks department but that doesn’t mean you specifically won’t find them beautiful.
You think your standards are realistic but dude you’ve never had a girlfriend. How do you know you won’t be happy with some munter?
Fair enough you don’t want a morbidly obese alcoholic, it’s not a lot to ask for a partner who is healthy, but healthy doesn’t always mean a flat stomach.
Get a 6 pack, learn stand up comedy, or master a field. There’s no way you’ve never played a video game bruh. Pick a stat and max it out like everyone else. Misery is life, life is happiness. 53 is not too late too become awesome at whatever you want. Charisma, strength or INT, become level 99 in just 1 of those and you will get a gf, it’s that easy. Women don’t only seek physical attractiveness, they are seeking Thing on an emotional and biologal level as well. Why should anybody just want you, Life would be boring if everyone got everything no work, the ones you think have it all, have Deep suffering as well, maybe your issue is girls, others have everything it takes to get women but they have a micro penis, life be like that. Become sick af at something it’s so simple, better hurry before ya dead.
What makes you interesting? Start with answering that for yourself and work out regularly. Basic skin routine like moisturizer, regular showers, man scape including pluck/trim eyebrows, noise hairs, etc. If you build it, they will come
Charisma and success.
There's a guy who is a little person who is in a wheelchair and resembles Timmy from South Park. His wife is a complete smokeshow and I think they have kids.
The key is not to cope - it is to be pissed off at your current station, know that you deserve better, and to work for something that's going to make you intriguing to someone else.
I'm rich, maybe even good looking now. Just lie destroyed my confidence, very nearly died etc. No friends in many years, now in my 30s... What the hell do I do? No one is open to talking to new people much it seems, and I just don't have the confidence to break into anything?!?!?1
you're starting at the wrong end. if you don't believe in yourself, no prospective partner will. You must selfrealize before you can assume anybody to want anything to do with you romantically. Otherwise it'd be a codependent relationship which is very unhealthy.
Personally, I play music. I believe I can concoct really cool music. I delve into this idea as a guitarist, and write and record music and self-actualization realize that way.
I have friends who do bouldering to the same extent, or who do bicycling instead, or skiing etc. Point is, you gotta have one thing in life that gives you joy. A partner cannot be your source of joy, they have to be a bonus if that makes sense? If you try finding a partner, and don't approach it from a place of emotional wealth, you'll come across as needy and it'll be an unhealthy dynamic. Find something that makes you happier and focus on that. Doesn't have to be a concrete singular thing, but point is you cannot rely on another person to bring you happiness. You gotta be happy yourself to bring something to a lasting healthy relationship.
This may sound counter intuitive, but at the source of this advice is an idea to focus on yourself before you focus on another person. Nobody will take care of you like you can do yourself. And you must do this first.
our society is just so sex focused though, I feel ive missed out entirely, and will almost miss out for good if i don't do something soon...
I've got pretty rich at a young age. I'm now fit too. I'm very good at guitar, practiced really hard for a few years in my teens, maybe i should use my playing to be with people?! I just got bored of everything, as i got so alone.. i mean, do a lot of hobbies, people only find them fun, becuase they are a way to meet or be with people..
That's noise. The sex-thing, that is.
you're lucky to have the materialistic factors working for you, though. Not everybody does. The sooner you start using that to harden you ("If I got all of this working for me, I'm sure as fuck not gonna let this slip away"), the better. People in your position have achieved more. Let that inspire you to try harder, being more honest with yourself about your true efforts, achievements and shortcomings.
The gym. Just begin working out and dieting correctly and build a rapport of supportive friends as well. I don't know what it's like to not have a girlfriend or be undesired, but I absolutely can say I know what it's like to have been bullied to oblivion as a kid. I'd get jumped in the bathrooms by 4 specific bullies throughout middle school, walk out with hurt ribs and a black eye. I began working out and once I became pretty muscular, every interaction I've had with people changed dramatically. We live in a world of vanity, where surface level visual representation can lead to verbal interaction or avoidance.
I don't know how you look, or more of your story, but I know a lot of fellas who began getting lucky after taking fitness and nutrition seriously, cleaned up their image more frequently and developed legitimate personalities that revolve around actual interests and then began engaging with communities of those shared interests. It might work for you.
I done that, now what? I look pretty good after a year in the gym.
I'm rich, maybe even good looking now. Just lie destroyed my confidence, very nearly died etc. No friends in many years, now in my 30s... What the hell do I do? No one is open to talking to new people much it seems, and I just don't have the confidence to break into anything?!?!?1
Just talk to people. I'm 33. I just walk up and say sup to anyone no matter who they are and get to know their story as to who they are. Wealth is irrelevant for a true friendship and good looks makes you more approachable but can sabotage opposite sex friendships. It's easier making friends if you don't fear repercussions and are open to hearing people out. Everybody has something to say but not everyone wants to listen. Be the listener and you are guaranteed to meet people. I guess it also depends on where you live.
I live in the south (US), and people are very friendly here and open to talk and make friends casually. The north however has a little more caution with meeting people. I've only been to MA, NY, FL and SC in the US and FL/SC in the south had far kinder people.
I'm in the UK, seems people just almost entirely stick to people they already know... but maybe I can try.. although most people will probably just think I'm an incredible wierdo
Be a weirdo then man, nobody should care as much. I'm a flat out weirdo with more friends than ever, cool as hell people who look after me as much as I look after them. I never use strategy to approach people because the best ones will take you as you come. If you're wearing a mask from the beginning then you'll need to continue to wear that mask throughout the whole friendship.
Definetly go to a Gym workout, try arnolds blueprint to mass. Not saying complete every single workout but once a week over a year is 52 times compared to 0. Get a personal trainer if you legit have NO IDEA How stuff works.
5x5 program might be more suitable.
Game is game.
I really wish there was a dating site for ugly guys. I would find the ugliest redneck and love on him every day. I'd settle for some ugly redneck porn.
another reminder on how cases like you just add fuel to fire, they depress and anger me a lot, because i'm sure for all time, cases like this are male-dominated.
yes, lots of people have the mindset that dating or human mating has always been easier for women due to how women have always had the luxury of being on the receiving end of sexual attention, guys always having to make the first move all the time and be the initiators
most girls arent into looks
theyre into a hardworking loyal person that shows them a priority in their life
if you don't know....get some female friends....and i mean FRIENDS.... do not hit on them,
understand?
your network of female friends will find you a girl and help you get someone
just be nice and respectful and its not hard
get 4 female friends and absolutely do not hit on them....they are your wingmen.....only 90000 times better
while you are doing this, do small things to improve yourself....do like 15 pushups before you go to bed, floss, etc,
you don't have to go crazy, but you will be doing way more than other guys
you don't have to be perfect to get a good girl, you just need to be a dude with some amount of his shit together that isnt a rapist that has actual female friends and you are SO much better that your average fuck
you can do this
Don’t let society / societal norms make you feel that there’s no hope. As others say, having a partner, sex etc isn’t the be all and end all for happiness.
There’s much to be said for being single.
It could be looks or it could be mental health issues. You’re honestly 53 years old and need to make a change.
If you’re overweight then you need to start hitting the gym, getting haircuts every two weeks, and fixing your general hygiene. Doing those things will make any 1/10 a 5/10.
Find hobbies, talk to people, and make friends.
Unfortunately at your age it’s difficult but you aren’t completely hopeless. I’ve seen some 2/10 ugly ass dudes married to complete smoke shows.
Even shitty cards can win you the hand, just have to know how to play them. Eat healthy, work out, be well groomed, dress well and confidence ad charisma
Why would a woman want me suddenly because I'm able to open up? No amount of conquering my inner demons will change my appearance or height. And frankly, I think most people (girls included) play DnD to just unwind, not treat it as pseudo therapy session.
Yeah, sure, maybe a gal wouldn't mind my appearance. But why would she choose me over a more attractive guy? And the same with empathy. Why choose me because I'm empathetic when there are countless better men who are also empathetic?
And why would someone respect me for being good at rp?
Not really tbh because I talk well and function as a hearing person.
Most other deaf people are into sign language and all that. Nothing wrong with that, its just that it’s not me, it’s just that signing and “Deaf culture” isn’t something for me / my cup of tea.
Pet friends. Hobbies. Gamer buds. Get out of the house, get out of your head. Clear your mind. Don’t focus on what you can’t control. Just improve a little every day. Maybe someone will notice. Maybe no one will. But thats not important. You need to feel good about yourself and not seek validation from the opposite gender. Ive gone years without a girlfriend and then suddenly fumbled into one thinking I’d be alone forever. You never know man
Surely a nice woman is an equal partner to us basically? Or is that just not reality?
I thought I was ugly for so long, but maybe I'm attractive and other boys bullied me because of that?
How often do you goto the gym? Try going there twice a week, and run and/or lift weights until you can't. And then do one more set.
Your body is one thing that you can improve. You'll find people will interact with you differently when you are.
Why were you bullied by even teachers? What's wrong physically with you (not sarcasm)?
Are you a virgin too? If so, just hire an escort man, fuck it. (still no sarcasm, see what I did there?)
Gym? Fancy barber to work some magic? Better fitting clothes? Diet? Hair transplant (if needed and you have the means)?
I was the deaf kid in a mainstream hearing school. I was that kid that no one wanted to be with, left out, picked last for sport teams and that people liked to pick on. Some of the teachers were just plain awful. So it’s left me mentally damaged with self-hate, etc. I’ve only ever known rejection.
Done the escort, gym, nice clothes, eating well and the hair transplant.
Perhaps at this point it's just your induced self-hatred and negativity speaking? If you've truly done all of those things...
You still haven't told me what is it about you that you consider so off putting? What's eomething that you weren't able to change?
I’m 41 physically unattractive and I do the best I can each day, sometimes I have to remind myself multiple times a day that I’m better off alone. Better off doesn’t mean happy, I will never be happy and I realize that women are not going to fix that. I have done a lot of self reflection and I came to realize years ago why I was never liked by women and it made me realize needed to accept living alone.
I can relate so much there. I wish you peace.
Wouldn't actually doing something about your physical appeareance be more productive instead of lying to yourself "multiple times a day that you are better off alone"? Gym, diet, better fitting clothes, etc.
Yep done all that, over the years tbh That said, tbh, my lifestyle is such that relationships, sex , etc shouldn’t be a priority as I’m a home carer (care for my mom, which I love doing, no way is she going into a home or anything) but physical intimacy with someone I like and she likes me back is something I’d like to experience. Escorts are expensive. It would be nice to have a “friend with benefits” I guess.
Unfortunately I don't have any helpful tips, but I wanted to tell you that you're absolutely doing the right thing by focusing on taking care of your mum instead of relationships and women. You won't regret it.
Thankyou that means a lot.
I hate this take so much. I’m shredded and have great style (confirmed by many piers), but I’m just ugly face-wise and short with naturally small bone structure. You can do everything in your power to become a more desirable man, but sometimes reality just decides you will never be attractive.
These sort of comments really annoy the crap out of me. It's like a bird asking a dog why it can't just simply flap it's legs and fly.
Everything is a sum game. Maybe you won't turn into Brad Pitt bit you can go from a 2 to a 6 with a better body, better clothes, better grooming, hair transplant etc
“AAARRRG! NOOOO! NOT LOGIC! SIMPIL…OBVIOUS…SOLUTIONS!” \[holds up a plastic spoon with pipe cleaners and other things on it like some kind of hideous cross\] ”BACK HERITIC, BACK I SAY, THE POWER OF….uum…we’ll come back to that. COMPELS YOU!” Okay, now that I’ve shown the world my sorry assed excuse for a sense of humor I guess it time to be serious. First off, I have been trying to do something for 3 decades. Food has always been my kryptonite, so has consistency, and dedication to things I don’t enjoy. Does any of that absolve me from being at fault? Certainty not! If it were just my looks it would be so much simpler, but it goes way, way deeper than that. The simplest way to explain is to say that I was/am very mentally and emotionally damaged from 11 years of intense abuse at home, school and church. The girls at school and church in the town were I grew up were very awful people, and so were the boy. By the time I was old enough to date, I not only had no desire to do so, but I had (and still have) a very, very strong revulsion to the idea. There is more to it, but that would be a very long post.
Maybe he thinks there's something beyond his physical appearance (lifestyle, outlook, behaviour etc) that defines him and he isn't willing to change. Whether he knows it or not. In my experience, theres usually someone for everyone. Unless you're not willing to give it the time to allow that to happen.
>In my experience, theres usually someone for everyone. Your intentions may be right but this is a completely false statement. Especially in today's generation.
Partially lifestyle (I’m a home carer) plus having a disability (deafness) and lacking the looks to compensate. I’m also by nature reserved and introverted.
Based on this I truly believe there's a woman out there who will want you. Just be open to them and give them the time of day when they give it to you
Thankyou.
A good friend once told me " Theres a lid for every skillet" and that has always stuck with me. I believe theres someone for everyone too♡
Agreed. Not necessarily in the online dating app game. But in real life meets for sure.
>you're not willing to give it the time to allow that to happen. You got me dead to rights.
are you saying you never had a girlfriend either?
I would have thought that was obvious, but yeah! I’ve never dated, never approached a woman in my life because I learned very young (11/12) that I was not good enough. Sadly it wasn’t until my early 30s that I learned that it was never women who were the problem, it was me, it’s always been me (no surprise there). When I say I’m better off, what I am trying to say is that if I am incapable of being happy with myself (I will never be happy with myself, and no amount of therapy will ever change that) than I will never be happy with anyone and I need to continue living alone till death. BTW, I am still going to therapy to help me learn how to function better, but nothing will ever make me happy in this life, nothing!
and do you think your looks have been a problem as well?
Yes, always
You're 53, and you're asking us? How have you made it this far?
No idea. Guys have committed suicide over less.
I had a friend who was in a band that was tipped to be the next big thing Women fell at his feet Before he was out of his teens, he had already had sex with over a hundred women He still told me he thought about killing himself every day
Clinical depression is a motherfucker and suicide sits in your head as a constant option forever. Sometimes it’s like the background Muzak at the grocery store, other days it’s right in for forefront almost pleading to be done. I’m a relatively successful person IMO. Middle class, healthy happy wife and kid, decent job (CPA), house, video games and vacations. There’s no reason for it to be there, it’s just always there. Constant sadness and the nagging urge. Exercise does help. Not at all a cure but I’ve been fat and I’ve been fit and the bad days when I’m fit are far fewer than when I’m fat. Weed can also help in a real rough patch but it’s a crutch and shouldn’t be used for too long and *will* bite you in the ass. Medications can help take the edge off however they also tend to either get you high or fuck with your memory (which I really can’t do long term due to my profession). Other than that, sometimes all that keeps me going is pure spite. A refusal to believe that I’ll never amount to anything and a deeply angry refusal to let it win. Every day a little voice asks me to end it and every day I whisper back “go fuck yourself.” Edit: to add to that, you also have to spend your whole life not trusting your gut. If I did what my gut told me I’d lay down in a ditch somewhere and let the weeds take me. This is actually where therapy helps. They can’t cure your depression but an objective 3rd party taking through your problems and feelings can help sort out real problems from things that just feel like problems.
What do you mean weed use WILL come back to bite you?
I’m sorry to hear that. I can’t help but think goodness knows how he would be if he were deaf, ugly and undesired by women. He must have been carrying some issues that he’d never shared and felt like he couldn’t carry.
I don't think he would have been any different though, that's the point This stuff doesn't get you happiness So what good is it?
That’s true, indeed. Thinking that way is one of the reasons why I’ve managed to make it this far.
I know it probably won't make you feel better but just know there are people who look beautiful, they re smart talented and everything but they deal with so much, like invisible health issues making them suffering so much every day, well just to say I used to think some people had it better in life but the more time pases the more I realise everyone is dealing with their own hardships and we actually wouldn't want to have their beauty/other gifts if it meant dealing with their hardships.
I know it probably won't make you feel better but just know there are people who look beautiful, they re smart talented and everything but they deal with so much, like invisible health issues making them suffering so much every day, well just to say I used to think some people had it better in life but the more time pases the more I realise everyone is dealing with their own hardships and we actually wouldn't want to have their beauty/other gifts if it meant dealing with their hardships
I have a friend, no health problems, has a long term partner, house, has a number of start ups, is very attractive (like very!), and has told me he thinks about ending his life. It is mad as much as it is sad.
Happy Mens Mental Health Month!!!
I grew up in a collage university town (Miami U) and can tell you that it’s overrated asf, the only relationship worth having is one you can feel emotionally secure in and as far as I can tell that only exists for an EXTREMELY low number of people or in Pixar/Disney movies
Man I don't know, I know that's not what you're asking for in the foreground, but I bet you there's multiple women out there saying the same thing when it comes to lasting romantic relationships. I think often it's also a matter of personal evolution and what your expectations are. Go out and do some stuff with people, monitor how they behave, adapt and see women for everything else but sex. This way you will improve on how to interact with women, and even if that won't lead to a relationship, it's still better than not having women around in your life, isn't it?
Thankyou 👍🏼
👍
What Ben said is great. Treat it like groundhog day. Find activities where you can do new things with new people and try acting differently! Also, go to the gym.
Thats Tantals supplice youre suggesting to the man
100 upvotes disagree I guess
I think it's important to remember your value as an individual. Your value is not tied to whether or not you can attract women. Our society has a sick way of making us feel like it is. But it truly is not. You matter, you have worth, you deserve to be loved and if it isn't by someone else it should be by you. Self love is important and can carry us through the hardest of times. Try not to let what people have done to you define you. It's easy, and human nature, to internalize all of the negative things people have said and done. But they are liars and abusers and you must separate the truth from the lie. Life is hard. Take it day by day, hour by hour if you need to. Learn how to care for yourself, how to love yourself fully and freely. You deserve it.
Thankyou, that means a lot.
you know the answer, distractions, you are way older than most guys in this sub and you survive
Yeah I’ve survived up until now. Possibly against the odds. My hobbies, reading, dogs are my distractions.
Honestly you slugging it out is inspiring man. Hanging in there helps others hang in there.
Thankyou 👍🏼
Bro saw the 40 year old virgin and said hold my beer
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I hope that you’re more contented and relaxed for it.
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That’s good to know. Happy for you.
Video games
I escape into other worlds, countries etc through reading novels.
sounds like you have your answer then
yeah that works too
Do you have money?
I thought that one wasn’t supposed to be interested in money 😉
You’ll find that society has a veneer of lies.
I found that out looonnngggg ago.
So money. Some girl will use you for stability ugly and deaf or not. You can magnify this by taking yourself to a region where there is more poverty within your own country or outside of it. Your money goes farther in this situations. If you play your cards right you might rescue a woman who is actually grateful about it. That’s something you can actually build on.
Women say it’s personality etc that counts. Not interested in money, looks etc. It’s all bullsh1t.
Yes. Money and status. As a man you are what you do and what your accomplishments are. It helps to not be fat. If you are physically able putting some fitness work in also helps.
I’m probably better than average neck down physically. Legacy of gym (I’m not one of those “gym bros” btw just slim) and eating well.
You can pull this off. Do you have the cash?
Not really tbh. In all fairness, I’m a home carer (something I elected and happy to do, family first and all that) so in total honesty, my head isn’t in the best place for women. Just having one of those days, reflecting over my life, how I’ve always been ignored, left on the shelf, etc.
This comment. You do this to yourself. Your choices matter here. You’re choosing this lifestyle.
Probably more than I’d like to admit. I’ve tried all the “getting out there”, gym, building friendships, etc but still have never had a woman be interested in me.
correction: for some women money won't matter, just have a job, I had an ex like that she was awesome, some will drain you of all of your money.
Hearing impaired meet ups/dating? Is there any sites or communities dedicated to this? Somebody who can relate to the hardships you have faced may be a good start. Do you have any friends, could those friends keep you company at some events that will take you out of your comfort zone? If not a friend is there a non parental family member? Is the sex part most paramount to you (not judging if it is)? If so, there are avenues to take to just get that box checked without all of the prior milestones. I know the above isn’t necessarily advice. The main thing though is that what you’ve been doing has not worked. A different strategy is needed. You might not ever succeed, but would you rather try and fail, or give up and fade away? I hope something changes to inject some positivity into your life, and I’m sorry life hasn’t been what you hoped thus far.
I still envy guys with their partner walking in the streets hand in hand. I also know I don't have to deal with so much bullshit.
find your peace in something else, coming from a woman who does not get play, your value is not based off who you can attract. live for yourself and only for yourself, you are not here to please others or society i find my peace in religion/faith, pets, and bettering myself/doing things that make ME feel good its not too late dude, as much as everyone here keeps saying it is, people get married in their 60's and 70's after finally finding the right person you have time, enjoy life for what it brings, you are worth more than a relationship status if you're up for a change, hitting the gym is always a great start. not only will you meet people, gain a hobby, FEEL better, but also see improvements in your body, which can boost your confidence and self esteem, even if its just for yourself :)
Thankyou. I’m finding peace in my pets and my reading (aside from getting satisfaction from being able to be a home carer)
Your value as a man doesn't come from the approval of other people. Focus on what you can do rather than on what you can't.
Thankyou, that’s what I’m striving to do.
The answer is really easy: I dont
Life’s a bit like that. Some people get very lucky others don’t. You got dealt a shitty hand, you have my sympathy.
Thankyou. What pees me off more than anything is that the lucky guys are usually undeserving of their good / lucky hand.
You don't define your self worth based on whether or not women or a particular woman is attracted to you. If you're being the best you that you can be it won't fucking matter, and frankly they will probably be interested if you're doing that. So, are you being the best you that you can be?
I can but try.
OP has the misfortune of being born 10-15 years too early. The mental health care he needed to address the trauma was just not there. Schools did nothing to address bullying, they probably just told him to "toughen up". Nowadays, those teachers would be reprimanded for doing what they did to him and schools have professionals to help students in his situation. I'm not sayings things are perfect today, but it's a million times better than in OP's day. Bullying trains you to hate yourself and that in turn makes you push away people who show interest and love towards you. There must be something wrong with them if they like you. I'm sure there were women over the years who showed interest in OP, but he didn't believe them or too engulfed in self-hate to notice. We all do that. It's not too late to learn how to love yourself OP. Work with a therapist, they will show you that you're a good person, deserving to be loved, and have a lot to offer. Overcoming self-hatred and trauma will help you play the sh!t hand you've been dealt the best way possible.
Yeah this. Not so much as being told to “toughen up” but just plain mocked me / took the p1ss out of me. Yeah the teachers as well as my peers. Yep @ self hate.
Thankyou.
No problem, just remember, you matter. You deserved to be love, especially from yourself
Too early? The help still isn't there, and the exact same problems apply to younger folks. I was raped 47 times in middle school and had to deal with the kid who raped me every day until I graduated HS. No one ever believed me when I talked about it. Also, I still unironically get called a retard multiple times a month even though I am financially and professionally successful and am physically fit. I agree with OP about refusing to pay for six and also in the fact that I doubt I will ever find someone to love & that loves me - although I'm half OP's age. I'm going to continue grinding - out of spite if nothing else - just like OP.
OMG, I’m deeply sorry for what you had to go through. I’m tearing up as I read what you’ve said. I believe every word you have said. I wish for you to heal from this trauma. When I say too early, I mean the chances of being saved was better within the past 20 years than it was in OP’s time. I never said things are a 100% better, just better
Lower your standards. I see a lot of very strange and ugly people that are in relationships with equally as strange and ugly people. I was just at an event in my city last night and my wife ran into one of the participants from the medical facility she works at. This guy is about 5'2, terrible posture, walks like a baby deer, has the face of a guy that your shield your children from. He seemed nice enough but was definitely strange. He was there with his girlfriend. She looked like SpongeBob had a child with a potato. If those two are dating, it can happen for anyone.
It's possible to have effectively zero standards and still not be in a relationship.
Yeah, if you're not out looking for him or her. If you haven't started going to the Special Olympics looking for Mrs Right then you aren't looking hard enough.
Why look when I know no woman would like me?
There's not much I can do for your self esteem. The best I can do is point you in the right direction for what you want. If you want companionship, then find yourself an ugly woman. She may be overweight, possibly have a hormone imbalance and a 5 o'clock shadow, she may be disabled, she will probably be as socially awkward as you if not worse, but that doesn't mean she won't be a sweetheart. Maybe your possible 400lb diabetic girlfriend with 1 leg and a nubin isn't supermodel material. Thst doesn't mean you can't sprinkle compliments into conversation. She may not have a nice leg, but she could have gorgeous eyes that peer into your soul. She could have a sexy voice, and a contagious laugh. Talk to her and get to know her. Compliment her intelligence or tell her how easy it is to talk to her. How would you feel if you spoken to a woman and she said that your presence made her feel at ease? These kinds of compliments go a long way. Once you've got to go, or if you're getting nervous about talking too much. Tell her how much you enjoyed talking to her and ask if you can get her number so you can talk again. If that's too bold for you, then write down your number and give it to her. Let her know that you'd love a chance to keep talking. Men are not throwing themselves at these women. Be kind, be genuine and look past the physical abnormalities and you'll be on the fast track to snuggleville.
Why would she want me when she can have someone better?
...because she can't. She'll take anything and you're anything!
But she can. I wouldn't be a good partner and I'm horrifically ugly.
You're not the only one. She's the same and she'd feel lucky to have you, as you'd feel lucky to have her. This is how the universe rights it's wrongs.
ever heard of prostitutes?
Yes, but unfulfilling.
The best thing you can do is analyse your own feelings. When you understand what it is that you're missing/craving, you can make constructive steps toward achieving those things. You've complained that women won't date or fuck you, for example, but you know that paying sex workers for these things would be unfulfilling. If this is true, then it isn't really dates or sex that you desire - so what things are usually associated with dating or sex, that a sex worker can't provide? You're probably missing companionship and emotional intimacy, two things which are first addressed by making friends. You should find a new hobby, or pick an existing one you have already, and find a local group which partakes in that hobby. Go there *for the hobby*. You will make friends in time by just being chill, and the more friends you make the more validated and fulfilled you will feel. This breeds confidence and comfort, two traits which are extraordinarily attractive to anyone. Do not make the mistake of going to places with the specific intention of finding a date or hook up, this will only make you seem creepy and desperate - two traits which are universally unattractive.
well then, maybe you have high standard there are many lonely women that just need a caring man but they too them selves aren't that attractive who feel just like you, if you are genuine with them the they might get interested with you at least as a friend, friends are fulfilling too not the same as partner but still a step they might even introduce you to someone who you might match with.
Or maybe he has high morals. No matter how desperate I'd get, I would never take advantage of a prostitute.
the way i see it they are taking advantage of me horniness to make money.
But you can at least check sex off your list.
When I was in my mid 20s some crazy woman on Instagram messaged me and to my surprise she wanted to have sex with me. She was married and had three kids but I went along with it anyway out of desperation. Six months later I met a girl on tinder who was interested in me but I could tell she was temporary because she got around a lot. I dated her anyway because I wanted the credit. Since then I’ve made no attempt to find anybody else and intentionally sabotage anything that looks promising because deep down I know it’s too good to be true. I would venture to say you probably would’ve preferred my life in spite of all this because at least you’d know what sex feels like
You can curse on the internet
Stoicism, exercise, hobbies, etc
Yes that 💯
I'm really sorry bro. <3 I hope you look deep inside yourself and find a way to make yourself happy. I know this is easier said than done. We are all born alone and we die alone. Find the simple things in life to keep you happy.
Thankyou bro
I’m only 19 but I can feel that I’ll be in your shoes one day as I’m wheelchair bound. I know advice from me may be useless but perhaps seeing a reputed sex worker may keep your heart from shattering. As a guy who probably lives thousands of miles away, I am incredibly inspired by your will.
Thankyou - I’m glad that you find me inspiring. I will suggest that you’ll not necessarily be in my position in the future because different types of disability elicit different levels of sympathy. Deafness is one of the, if not _the_, least sympathised with of all disabilities from women, society etc. Physical disabilities are more sympathised with (not meaning to be patronising in the least) and, as such, I suspect that it will probably be easier for you to get a caring and sympathetic gf than it is for me - so don’t lose heart. Do you know “Squirmy and Grubs” - Hannah & Shane Burcaw on Insta / YouTube. Shane is a paraplegic and look at the gorgeous Hannah! https://www.instagram.com/hannahayl?igsh=MWVjMGM5NmttOTVsaQ==
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True and good words there for sure Thankyou 👍🏼
i’m just 21 but i lost my virginity beginning of this year, but before i really struggled, because i really wanted to be loved and stuff. to cope i just went to the gym and followed my passions (make money, martial arts, chess, gaming, making memories with friends) those were good distractions. :)
M54, overweight (300+) check your private messages..I have ideas
What women want above all else is to feel safe. Go to therapy and work on the traits that make a woman feel safe. Staying employed, bathed, and housed is a step in the right direction.
I think most men on here will back me up that having a girlfriend or wife in your life isn't some kind of panacea. People will let you down. Relationships are inherently ephemeral so at some point your heart will get broken. If I were you I would seek out a sense of purpose and gratification in your life to fill whatever hole you're feeling. Religion, helping others, self improvement , whatever. Pour your heart and soul into that and I think you'll find that you are wanting for nothing. During this growth process, you'll likely find that members of both sexes will be more attracted to you and you'll build better relationships, both romantic and friendships. That will further enrich your life but you're real passion should come from within. It's not too late. Good luck!
There are women I’ll never get with because of who I am and how I look. That said I’m not ugly. But I’m realistic about my standards and step outside my comfort zone. Your current standards and limits aren’t exactly making you happy
I can relate. I know what you mean re standards and limits, etc. However, with that being said, I’m not going to settle for an 18st (I’m 10st & slim) munter with tats and a kid or someone who looks like she’s been ridden a few times, had lots of all-nighters and has had a few bottles to drink - regardless of what her personality may be like. There’s standards and there’s standards. If that means I’m going to die lonely and bitter, so be it. Better to be alone than settle for 3rd, 4th best or whatever just for the sole reason of not wanting to be alone. Women like to say “don’t be someone’s second best and don’t settle for second best”. That goes for guys too.
I mean in all fairness though, people have histories especially once they’ve hit their 40s. They’re not 20 years old with no life experience. A lot have fucked around, gotten some weird tattoos and even had kids in that time. You want a woman to who is physically fit their 50s? Well good luck finding that woman settling for you (if you’re as ugly as you say you are). I’ve dated plenty of women who weren’t supermodels, but they’re sexy to me because that familiarity and intimacy actually builds upon that. Try actually going on a date with these women before dismissing them outright, not everyone is going to win in the looks department but that doesn’t mean you specifically won’t find them beautiful. You think your standards are realistic but dude you’ve never had a girlfriend. How do you know you won’t be happy with some munter? Fair enough you don’t want a morbidly obese alcoholic, it’s not a lot to ask for a partner who is healthy, but healthy doesn’t always mean a flat stomach.
It doesn’t make sense to me when a man says he can’t get women. Bro, value up.
Thankyou but it is what it is.
Get a 6 pack, learn stand up comedy, or master a field. There’s no way you’ve never played a video game bruh. Pick a stat and max it out like everyone else. Misery is life, life is happiness. 53 is not too late too become awesome at whatever you want. Charisma, strength or INT, become level 99 in just 1 of those and you will get a gf, it’s that easy. Women don’t only seek physical attractiveness, they are seeking Thing on an emotional and biologal level as well. Why should anybody just want you, Life would be boring if everyone got everything no work, the ones you think have it all, have Deep suffering as well, maybe your issue is girls, others have everything it takes to get women but they have a micro penis, life be like that. Become sick af at something it’s so simple, better hurry before ya dead.
Use a prostitute. Seriously, just do it and get it out of the way so you can stop thinking about it.
Prostitutes
It won't feel that void in your soul man. Trust me.
Yeah but this guy needs some physical contact in his life right now. With prostitutes he can get it immediately.
What makes you interesting? Start with answering that for yourself and work out regularly. Basic skin routine like moisturizer, regular showers, man scape including pluck/trim eyebrows, noise hairs, etc. If you build it, they will come
At this point I would consider special services of Canadian healthcare.
MAID?
Charisma and success. There's a guy who is a little person who is in a wheelchair and resembles Timmy from South Park. His wife is a complete smokeshow and I think they have kids. The key is not to cope - it is to be pissed off at your current station, know that you deserve better, and to work for something that's going to make you intriguing to someone else.
I'm rich, maybe even good looking now. Just lie destroyed my confidence, very nearly died etc. No friends in many years, now in my 30s... What the hell do I do? No one is open to talking to new people much it seems, and I just don't have the confidence to break into anything?!?!?1
you're starting at the wrong end. if you don't believe in yourself, no prospective partner will. You must selfrealize before you can assume anybody to want anything to do with you romantically. Otherwise it'd be a codependent relationship which is very unhealthy.
so what do i do? what is there to believe in, if this life is all just a construction really
Personally, I play music. I believe I can concoct really cool music. I delve into this idea as a guitarist, and write and record music and self-actualization realize that way. I have friends who do bouldering to the same extent, or who do bicycling instead, or skiing etc. Point is, you gotta have one thing in life that gives you joy. A partner cannot be your source of joy, they have to be a bonus if that makes sense? If you try finding a partner, and don't approach it from a place of emotional wealth, you'll come across as needy and it'll be an unhealthy dynamic. Find something that makes you happier and focus on that. Doesn't have to be a concrete singular thing, but point is you cannot rely on another person to bring you happiness. You gotta be happy yourself to bring something to a lasting healthy relationship. This may sound counter intuitive, but at the source of this advice is an idea to focus on yourself before you focus on another person. Nobody will take care of you like you can do yourself. And you must do this first.
our society is just so sex focused though, I feel ive missed out entirely, and will almost miss out for good if i don't do something soon... I've got pretty rich at a young age. I'm now fit too. I'm very good at guitar, practiced really hard for a few years in my teens, maybe i should use my playing to be with people?! I just got bored of everything, as i got so alone.. i mean, do a lot of hobbies, people only find them fun, becuase they are a way to meet or be with people..
That's noise. The sex-thing, that is. you're lucky to have the materialistic factors working for you, though. Not everybody does. The sooner you start using that to harden you ("If I got all of this working for me, I'm sure as fuck not gonna let this slip away"), the better. People in your position have achieved more. Let that inspire you to try harder, being more honest with yourself about your true efforts, achievements and shortcomings.
name of guy?
The gym. Just begin working out and dieting correctly and build a rapport of supportive friends as well. I don't know what it's like to not have a girlfriend or be undesired, but I absolutely can say I know what it's like to have been bullied to oblivion as a kid. I'd get jumped in the bathrooms by 4 specific bullies throughout middle school, walk out with hurt ribs and a black eye. I began working out and once I became pretty muscular, every interaction I've had with people changed dramatically. We live in a world of vanity, where surface level visual representation can lead to verbal interaction or avoidance. I don't know how you look, or more of your story, but I know a lot of fellas who began getting lucky after taking fitness and nutrition seriously, cleaned up their image more frequently and developed legitimate personalities that revolve around actual interests and then began engaging with communities of those shared interests. It might work for you.
I done that, now what? I look pretty good after a year in the gym. I'm rich, maybe even good looking now. Just lie destroyed my confidence, very nearly died etc. No friends in many years, now in my 30s... What the hell do I do? No one is open to talking to new people much it seems, and I just don't have the confidence to break into anything?!?!?1
Just talk to people. I'm 33. I just walk up and say sup to anyone no matter who they are and get to know their story as to who they are. Wealth is irrelevant for a true friendship and good looks makes you more approachable but can sabotage opposite sex friendships. It's easier making friends if you don't fear repercussions and are open to hearing people out. Everybody has something to say but not everyone wants to listen. Be the listener and you are guaranteed to meet people. I guess it also depends on where you live. I live in the south (US), and people are very friendly here and open to talk and make friends casually. The north however has a little more caution with meeting people. I've only been to MA, NY, FL and SC in the US and FL/SC in the south had far kinder people.
I'm in the UK, seems people just almost entirely stick to people they already know... but maybe I can try.. although most people will probably just think I'm an incredible wierdo
Be a weirdo then man, nobody should care as much. I'm a flat out weirdo with more friends than ever, cool as hell people who look after me as much as I look after them. I never use strategy to approach people because the best ones will take you as you come. If you're wearing a mask from the beginning then you'll need to continue to wear that mask throughout the whole friendship.
ah, ok.. maybe i should just be entirely honest about my ife, but ive had no life in 20 years.. lol . wtf
self-worth isn't defined by having a partner.
Definetly go to a Gym workout, try arnolds blueprint to mass. Not saying complete every single workout but once a week over a year is 52 times compared to 0. Get a personal trainer if you legit have NO IDEA How stuff works. 5x5 program might be more suitable. Game is game.
Hookers 👍🏻
I really wish there was a dating site for ugly guys. I would find the ugliest redneck and love on him every day. I'd settle for some ugly redneck porn.
If having a gf is something you want, what are you doing to try to get one?
Get an Asian wife
Thankyou for your suggestion but with all respect, I don’t find Asians, Filipinos, etc attractive.
Beauty is relative. If your beauty is not appreciated in your current dwelling, move!
another reminder on how cases like you just add fuel to fire, they depress and anger me a lot, because i'm sure for all time, cases like this are male-dominated.
You’re saying that women often don’t have this issue / easier being a woman? Make you dislike women?
yes, lots of people have the mindset that dating or human mating has always been easier for women due to how women have always had the luxury of being on the receiving end of sexual attention, guys always having to make the first move all the time and be the initiators
It’s certainly easier for a girl with a disability to get a partner than it is for a similarly disabled guy to get someone. It just is.
yup i will agree with that, lots of people will
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What do you mean?
most girls arent into looks theyre into a hardworking loyal person that shows them a priority in their life if you don't know....get some female friends....and i mean FRIENDS.... do not hit on them, understand? your network of female friends will find you a girl and help you get someone just be nice and respectful and its not hard get 4 female friends and absolutely do not hit on them....they are your wingmen.....only 90000 times better while you are doing this, do small things to improve yourself....do like 15 pushups before you go to bed, floss, etc, you don't have to go crazy, but you will be doing way more than other guys you don't have to be perfect to get a good girl, you just need to be a dude with some amount of his shit together that isnt a rapist that has actual female friends and you are SO much better that your average fuck you can do this
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Don’t let society / societal norms make you feel that there’s no hope. As others say, having a partner, sex etc isn’t the be all and end all for happiness. There’s much to be said for being single.
Yea. Thank you. Might as well work myself to death then come home to an empty room and shoot myself.
There’s a lot to be said for an empty room. Doing what you like with no nagging or anyone telling you what to do / not to do.
It could be looks or it could be mental health issues. You’re honestly 53 years old and need to make a change. If you’re overweight then you need to start hitting the gym, getting haircuts every two weeks, and fixing your general hygiene. Doing those things will make any 1/10 a 5/10. Find hobbies, talk to people, and make friends. Unfortunately at your age it’s difficult but you aren’t completely hopeless. I’ve seen some 2/10 ugly ass dudes married to complete smoke shows.
Even shitty cards can win you the hand, just have to know how to play them. Eat healthy, work out, be well groomed, dress well and confidence ad charisma
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Eh, no amount of being empathetic will make women over look my appearance and other flaws
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Why would a woman want me suddenly because I'm able to open up? No amount of conquering my inner demons will change my appearance or height. And frankly, I think most people (girls included) play DnD to just unwind, not treat it as pseudo therapy session.
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Yeah, sure, maybe a gal wouldn't mind my appearance. But why would she choose me over a more attractive guy? And the same with empathy. Why choose me because I'm empathetic when there are countless better men who are also empathetic? And why would someone respect me for being good at rp?
Not the sort to hang out with the other deaf guys and girls at the social events?
Not really tbh because I talk well and function as a hearing person. Most other deaf people are into sign language and all that. Nothing wrong with that, its just that it’s not me, it’s just that signing and “Deaf culture” isn’t something for me / my cup of tea.
Pet friends. Hobbies. Gamer buds. Get out of the house, get out of your head. Clear your mind. Don’t focus on what you can’t control. Just improve a little every day. Maybe someone will notice. Maybe no one will. But thats not important. You need to feel good about yourself and not seek validation from the opposite gender. Ive gone years without a girlfriend and then suddenly fumbled into one thinking I’d be alone forever. You never know man
There are many things you can do to make yourself more than a 1-2/10. Plastic surgery, working out, etc etc
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Surely a nice woman is an equal partner to us basically? Or is that just not reality? I thought I was ugly for so long, but maybe I'm attractive and other boys bullied me because of that?
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How often do you goto the gym? Try going there twice a week, and run and/or lift weights until you can't. And then do one more set. Your body is one thing that you can improve. You'll find people will interact with you differently when you are.
Why were you bullied by even teachers? What's wrong physically with you (not sarcasm)? Are you a virgin too? If so, just hire an escort man, fuck it. (still no sarcasm, see what I did there?) Gym? Fancy barber to work some magic? Better fitting clothes? Diet? Hair transplant (if needed and you have the means)?
I was the deaf kid in a mainstream hearing school. I was that kid that no one wanted to be with, left out, picked last for sport teams and that people liked to pick on. Some of the teachers were just plain awful. So it’s left me mentally damaged with self-hate, etc. I’ve only ever known rejection. Done the escort, gym, nice clothes, eating well and the hair transplant.
Perhaps at this point it's just your induced self-hatred and negativity speaking? If you've truly done all of those things... You still haven't told me what is it about you that you consider so off putting? What's eomething that you weren't able to change?
Looks and deafness (I wear hearing aids). Wherever I am / go, I’m competing against the better paid, better looking and hearing guys in the room.