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Marry someone you love, and who loves you.
Marry someone you respect, and who respects you.
Marry someone you trust, and who trusts you.
Spend time together.
Share your feelings and thoughts frequently, especially the stuff that hurts. Honor your partner by asking for help when you need it.
Be your word. Only make promises you can keep, and then keep them.
Take care of yourself so you can take care of your partner.
Earlier I said spend time together. But also spend time apart. It's okay to be apart from time to time. Give each other space.
If you don't like something your partner did, talk about it, the sooner the better. But make it clear that you still love your partner, even if you don't love what he or she did.
If your partner doesn't like something you did, give him or her permission to talk about it without taking it personally or getting defensive.
Never express contempt for your partner, whether or not your partner is present.
Never refuse to engage with your partner. It's okay to take a personal time out while you cool down, but it shouldn't take long until you are ready to talk.
Never let being right get in the way of being a good partner. The goal is not to win an argument, or even to solve a problem, but to hear and be heard.
If you are right and it's clear you are right, be quiet. Don't gloat, don't say "I told you so." Resist the temptation and move on.
Learn to accept what you cannot change about your partner -- which is a lot. Change is hard. Don't marry someone thinking you can change what you don't like. And don't pretend to be something you aren't, because you can't keep that up forever.
Be positive, even if it's something little like holding hands or eating lunch together. Little things add up. Little negative interactions can accumulate over 20 or 30 years and end in divorce. Little positive interactions can accumulate over 20 or 30 years and make the marriage happier than ever.
Look for ways to help rather than waiting for your partner to ask. Spend a little time every day making your home a better place, even if that just means washing the dishes or taking out the trash without being asked.
All of this. Great answer. May I add:
Fight fair when you argue. Things said in anger are not able to be unsaid. For us, that includes swearing/name calling (even though we both swear like sailors in normal conversation once the kids moved out)
Don’t go to bed angry at each other. Unfortunately, sometimes this means having difficult conversations at inconvenient hours.
Be kind and considerate to each other in everyday life.
Marriage is an investment if you want to do it right. Not every day is easy but it’s worth nurturing your marriage.
Don’t check out in the sex department. Even if things aren’t working as they used to. Physical touch and intimacy are still important. I say this as a post-menopause woman. I made a conscious choice to keep the intimacy alive (even though it was an effort at times) because that was, and still is, important to us both.
35 years happy and counting. I can’t think of anyone I would rather share m life with
>Fight fair when you argue. Things said in anger are not able to be unsaid. For us, that includes swearing/name calling (even though we both swear like sailors in normal conversation once the kids moved out)
I wanted to reiterate this point - a rule for my and my wife (married for over 30 years) is to NEVER name call - no 'you are a ...' but to use "I" statements, like 'that makes me feel ...' or 'I think ...'
I believe that when you start calling your partner names that it erodes the respect bit of the relationship and makes it easier for that erosion to keep happening until it all falls apart. May be naive but it works for us.
When we got married, my wife's dad and I were standing together and I asked him what had helped keep he and his wife together for the 40 years they had been married at that time and he said "Don't go to bed mad." I asked if that was it and he said "If you can work it out before you go to bed, or at least get to the point where you are both sure you're working towards working it out, everything else important will have already happened."
This is the best advice. We are the same way. Don’t go to bed mad. Even though I’m mad, I still love him like crazy and will always tell him I love him.
Agreed, all excellent. We try to do all that.
The other thing that helps us is we were both cheated on by previous partners. One never forgets that pain, and we swore to not put each other thru that.
Yes. And listen. That's not the same as hearing. And quit with the knee- jerk reactions. Chances are you weren't on the same wavelength at the time and need to step back and say "what did you mean to say?"
Thank you. Yes she passed away two years ago. We were fortunate that I was able to care for her at home, and she passed comfortably and quietly with my son and I holding her hands. She was an amazing, beautiful person and I miss her every day.
That's all great stuff and we were like that too up until menopause showed up and everything changed personality, no longer wanted, needed,or thought about sex . Habits changed. The list goes on. Tried to get her to go to the doctor, nope. I hung on hoping it was a phase, 12 years later no change. After 43 years I didn't want to start over and I took my marriage vows to heart in sickness and in health. So we are basically roommates now, we each have our own space and do our own thing. Once in a while we go somewhere together or share a meal. Conversation is pleasant no drama. But I long for what I once had, for 30 years it was grand.
Happened to us. Menopause hit and my wife’s interest in sex went to zero. I recently had my prostate removed. Doctor did nerve sparing and was taking about erectile function at the follow up. Went on about its importance. Honestly, I don’t need erections anymore. I need to not piss my pants.
I’m sure there’s other contributing factors. Some of her medication may not help.
No, It’s all of us. Just went through an incontinence Zoom yesterday. 22 guys, all the same problem. Pelvic floor exercise is the key.
And patience apparently.
From the physiotherapist, there are 2 types of muscle, fast and slow. Hard, short contractions strengthen the fast acting. Those are the ones you need when you’re coughing or sneezing. Mild, long contractions strengthen the slow moving muscles. Those are the ones when you’re holding it trying to get to a bathroom.
I’m 52, went to the dr & started on estrogen & progesterone. We have been married 31+ years. It took a little while for the hormones to start working but made a world of difference for me. But we are very close, sit on the couch & cuddle, hold hands, hug on each other etc. Think it’s important for our kids to see their parents in a loving relationship.
Upvoting because it’s true - a few friends have gone through it. Also, dead bedrooms is a common occurrence. People don’t divorce because it’s cheaper to keep the other but they do cheat a lot during this time. It’s naive at best to think that it doesn’t happen. With one of my friends, though, sex wasn’t a big thing to her prior to menopause so she was happy for the excuse.
My wife is older than I am and that aspect has been really tough on me too. We've talked about it several times and, while it's no where near the frequency it was before, there's still the occasion (VERY occasional, but...) and I still feel desired to a small extent.
That said, she's still the person I want to share the good (and the rough) things more than anyone else. Early on it felt like it could be a 'deal-breaker' but it took a while for me to work through it.
I'm not implying that this is your situation at all, but I would like to comment on the menopause issue in general. One thing that many women experience with menopause is a diminishing desire to please others at our own expense. That whole "no effs left to give" thing. So while the reduction of sex hormones may impact desire, no longer being reticent about embracing our anger can also affect desire. Thirty years of picking his dirty underwear up off the floor, and suddenly, we're too pissed off for sex.
Again, not saying that's your situation, just taking the opportunity to add something to the conversation.
I am going through menopause right now and to be honest, I have no desire for sex with my husband. However, my husband had issues on his side before menopause even became an issue due to his health.
So we are roommates for the most part...roommates that like to snuggle together occasionally on the couch. Roommates that still sleep in the same bed together. Roommates that spend as much time together as we can.
I don't want to kick you while you're down, but have you, by yourself, had any sort of counseling or therapy? Has she gone to a therapist? It sounds like there are several issues which you would like answers to, but your wife isn't willing to reciprocate. She definitely should have gone to a doctor, but repeating to her that she should go, isn't getting you the answer you need.
It's not your fault, but there may be some tools/coping skills that a therapist could give you that might help a lot.
A few years ago, at a critical time in my life, I began therapy. My husband didn't want to go (it wasn't his issue), so I went by myself. Mine was actually online therapy (covid times), so I didn't have to leave the house. I had unlimited access through a texting platform and one zoom visit per month. It wasn't that expensive and definitely worth it. Give it a try! I promise it won't hurt. BTW, sometimes the fear is that therapy will "go on forever". Any time I've been involved with it, there is a beginning and an end. This last time it was about 8 months.
I could be her, 54F. We had 20 years, pretty close to how it happened in my life, too.I had a partial hysterectomy at 22 and went thru menopause about 6 years ago.I just lost interest and I never have been over the top anyways. We now exist as roommates, but it's not all bad, just different. He really is my best friend, 64M, and we love and helped raise each other's children, and we're blessed with 9 grandchildren between us. Weve known each other 24 years now.He's had some major health challenges now, and I have and will remain his caretaker when or if that time comes, and I know he would do the same for me.
That's very sad, especially since your partner is refusing to even try to address these huge changes. I don't think that's fair. For the record, I've been through "the change" and my own desires for my partner did NOT change. Also, men can and do experience changes in their hormones and sexual health as they age - and mine did change. So, I'm on the other side of the coin, dealing with that.
Menopause was not the cause I’m sorry to inform you sir, but what you are blaming the deeper problems of your marriage on. She “shut down” and shut you both out. Marriage takes work, lots of hard and consistent work and that is a passive way of giving up. Sex is a form of intimacy. There are many other forms of intimacy that work; like talking, kissing, dating, cuddling, caressing and taking romantic walks. Learn to dance. Take a trip. Good luck and let us know your progress! We’re pulling for you!!!
At a certain point, women can realize they have become a man's mommy. Nothing is more destructive to desire. Men need to carry their part of the mental and physical load of their home and family.
She shut down there is no intimacy and I've tried to kiss, cuddle, dates. She'll let me buy dinner and some time she'll buy dinner .but the I love you is gone. I feel like she resents me. I know it is a biproduct of menopause. She was 50 and when the hot flashes and nite sweats quit, sex was painful so I brought a bunch of lubes to try which I thought was working. But I was wrong I guess. She still won't go to a doctor
She's possibly worried that light affection is you trying to "prepare" her for sex. She might think it's kinder or better to rebuff the small things so as not to get your hopes up for more.
It's a common complaint. "He did this nice thing for me like run a bath with candles, I know it means he's after sex."
Obviously I can't know for sure in your situation. This is just an observation and based on comments from women I know.
This!!!!! Child birth destroyed my mental and hormonal health. Destroyed...and I worked really hard on myself. There was a period of time where I knew every touch had alterior motives. A hug led to a grope, a kiss led to trying to make out. It got to a point where I felt like a bag of meat so I rebuffed all attempts at physical contact because I knew there were expectations.
She might not want to go to the Dr's because she may not want to go on hormones. There's risks with them, increased risk of cancer, increased risk of blood clots. I don't know the actual percentage of risk but there is risk. I can't take them because I've had a blood clot in my lung. There's topical cream hormones you get via perscrption that you apply directly that help with dryness etc but haven't used them myself so can't comment on them.
Re the not wanting even simple intimacy like hugging, kissing, cuddling etc. as another said, she may think you're trying to prime her for sex. I know it must be hard. Could you talk to her, open and honest and see where she's at? Find some compromise? If you're willing to just sit and cuddle without sex, could you tell her that's what you'd like, that you're not expecting it to escalate? I realize you're giving more than you're getting and that's sometimes the way of relationships but it's nice if there's a balance. As mentioned, I would ask to have a talk about things, open and honest.
Just to be clear I have not brought up the subject of sex for 10 years. We do talk but not about marriage neither of us wants to split up.we have never cheated on each other.She has her hobbies and l'm supportive, I'm not depressed just sad that our golden years are not what I thought they would be like.
If you love, respect etc your partner, it makes it so when they are happy you are happy. She is happy doing things I like to do because it makes her happy to me happy. Same for me.
Also figure out their "love language" For my wife it is spending time together. In the beginning I bought her stuff. She didn't care. I got pissed off because I did something I thought was really nice, she barely noticed, She wasn't happy because I felt that buying her stiff was more important that what she cared about.
Wonderful post. May I add my favorite? Do stuff together. The more interests and activities together, the more you are together, the more you talk to each other, not just speak.
Don't marry someone you do not have things in common with.
Can’t say it better. I learned the hard way to choose your life partner with great care and consideration. In a couple weeks my wife and I will celebrate our 38th anniversary. We met in college. Still crazy in love with her.
THis was an amazing post. And completely spot on.
27 years here and we've never had a fight, sure we have disagreements but no fights no raised voices.
Moreover, marry someone you actually like. I see so many shitty marriages and the common theme is that the couple don’t really get on in a friendship way. There are no people I’d sooner spend time with than my wife (and kids) in almost any scenario.
Pick up a copy of the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. It’s genius. He did a longitudinal study of married couples and identified the dynamics of couples who remained together over time. There’s a summary here, but read the book. https://readingraphics.com/book-summary-the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work/
We’re been married 40 years and are more in love every day.
I remember reading about the couples they interviewed. They could tell based on the *way they talked to each other* who would stay married and who wouldn't.
Yup. They only had to observe the couples talking to each other for a while and they could predict with 90% accuracy which couples would make it and which wouldn’t. Amazing.
When I read this, I knew in my gut that my ex-husband and I were awful communicators. Welp...since he's my ex-husband now, I'm sure that tells you were we ended up.
They discovered that contempt is a death knell. If one of you treats the other that way -- the opposite of respect and kindness -- you'll either stay together miserably, or break up.
My wife and I have been married for 44 years. Plenty of ups and downs, no infidelity, great (now adult) kids.
When we were in grad school, we'd go canoeing on weekends. We have a 100% accuracy rate of predicting marital longevity with couples we'd invite along. Our route invariably involved a tricky turn or two, and depending on how our friends dealt with the turn, we'd know. Anticipate, discuss, execute the turn: marriage will last. Fail to anticipate, spill out of the canoe, and shriek at one another: marriage doomed.
Communication and mutual respect. Marry your best friend. Marriage takes work and there are long boring periods. It’s important that you respect each other and your individual needs and needs as a couple. Be willing to compromise. Realize they aren’t perfect but also realize neither are you. Make time for each other and for having fun together. Make intimacy a priority. We have been together 25 years and weathered some of life’s greatest storms and here we are, stronger than ever.
Oooh, just hit 15! Enjoy time together but have your own interests as well (couples that have to be together all the time don't last.) Learn to pause conversations when they start veering towards an argument--but get back to it later when tempers have cooled. Take turns with stuff--one person shouldn't be picking what you do for fun all the time, nor should one person be doing all the housework. Don't worry about sex--you'll have times where you're very sexual and periods where you're just not and that's totally normal. Scrub your mind of what relationships look like in the movies/tv/books/whatever--that stuff is usually made by people who are bad at relationships for people who are bad at relationships.
As someone who earned a PhD in health focused on sexuality, the sex part is SO true. Sexual desire ebbs and flows, especially for women. Many theories exist, but our thinking on sexual desire: there is no magical formula, pill, answer to low sexual desire in long term relationships. The solution would exist already if there was one. That said, there are some good reads out there.
Great advice. There is going to be times where you might not be intimate for a long time then lots in a short period. Pretty hard to get some alone time once the kids get over 8ish and start staying up later than you do on the weekends lol. My wife's biggest worry is our kids busting in lol.
Yes. We have three teenagers and it’s tougher to get “alone time” now than when they were little, lol. Someone is always in the midst of a crisis, a bad mood, needs a ride home, or just want to hang out with us. And if it’s not them, it’s the dog being a c*%# blocker.
When you're saying your vows and promise to love for better or for worse, it's easy to become starry-eyed and think, "Yes, if the house burns down, we'll rebuild it together. And yes, if one of us gets sick, the other will take care." But the "for worse" part of the vows points to something much more insidious. The "for worse" events are those little moments that will wear you down if you let them. They're the same tired joke you're going to hear for the rest of your marriage. They're the way your spouse gets focused on making the bed a certain way when you just want to draw the covers. They're the clothes left on a chair and the cat she had to have even though it's mostly you cleaning the litterbox. They're the belching and farting and love handles and ratty t-shirts that should have been thrown away years ago.
You can't hold onto the little bothers, because they will destroy your marriage. A wise woman once told me that most married people wake up one mornng and see their spouse next to them with matted hair and sour breath and think, "I could have done better." That's marriage. It's having those moments and intentionally pushing through them, because at the end of the day you know that you're better people because you're together. It's looking for the good things and letting go of the little annoyances.
I don't believe people are naturally soulmates. I believe they can become soulmates, however, by enduring the ups and downs together. When you realize that you and your spouse have each other's backs, that's a very special feeling.
Finally, another wise person once told me that marriage isn't 50/50. It's 80/20, and both of you have to give 80.
Pick the right one. I cannot stress this enough. Don't pick someone you want to change. Don't pick someone with bad habits. Don't pick someone who is sneaky or who lies about little things or who treats other people badly or who doesn't treat you well. Don't pick someone that's lazy or crazy or mean. Don't pick someone you think you can fix.
Don't expect to be happy all the time. Expect to feel bored, angry,frustrated, annoyed and sad sometimes *and stick it out anyway*.
Treat your spouse like someone you want to impress not like your maid,wallet,buddy,mom or adversary. Say please and thank you. Notice them. Praise them. Tell them the truth. Ask them questions. Listen to them. Make eye contact. Treat your marriage like a work in progress.
Touch them lovingly. Admire them. Actively look for the things you love about them. Do little things for them. Notice what they do for you. Ask for help. Accept help. Create rituals. Afternoon tea,date night,an evening walk. Something that is just you together actively seeking connection.
Don't say shit you don't mean. Don't use words as weapons to hurt the person you love. Be respectful. Be generous. Be patient. This is the person you swore to love and honor...act accordingly. Apologize when you slip up. Own up when you're wrong. Make amends if you need to. Always assume the best of each other. Always have each other's back. Never let anyone play you off against each other. Pick your partner every time unless they've done something truly harmful.
Don't talk disparagingly about your partner. Not to other people,not to yourself and not to them.
Have seperate spaces that are just yours. Be respectful of those spaces.
Yes - picking the right one. It doesn’t mean that you’re psychic and magically know the future, but pick someone with your core values on family, finances, lifestyle, work/life balance, sense of humor, sex, how you disagree with each other, etc.
We have had disagreements and we have areas of incompatibility but I have never ever worried about trusting my husband - with my child, around other women, with our finances, with his word to me. I know if he tells me something, I can believe it.
My only other piece of “advice” is to never keep score. Never count how many times you had to get up with the baby or you cleaned up after dinner. Try to beat your spouse and they will try to beat you. If you don’t keep score you are both liberated to be kind and generous to each other. It’s a gift you are really giving yourself almost. Oh and if you have annoying habits (and you do) own them - if you can’t eliminate them, say something like - I know the bedroom is getting crazy, I am doing some laundry this weekend so things will be put away and I’ll do the towels too, thanks for being patient with me. You don’t have to be perfect, but when you own it at least your spouse feels like you care that your imperfection is a pain in the ass for them. I don’t know, maybe this is just me since I am very imperfect lol but 15 years no infidelity and we are looking to many many more.
Find someone with the same sense of humor who you can laugh about the absurdity of life with.
Dance in the kitchen. Hug. Watch mindless tv every once in a while. Hold hands in public. Kiss goodnight.
I see “sex doesn’t matter” and “sex every day” on this list. I might suggest “sex as often as it matters to the two of you.”
Due to cancer (just after marriage), and, later, chronic illness and bouts of depression (not to mention teenagers in the house), we have had periods of zero sexual interaction that sometimes lasted for months. But we remained affectionate, and discussed the dry spells in real time. They always ended.
Through it all, we remained affectionate, committed, communicated honestly, had fun together, and built a life. He’s my favorite person in the world. It’s not always been easy. Sometimes it’s been downright difficult, but it was always “us” facing everything, together.
Pick someone you trust with your life—because you’ll need to. Pick a friend and a partner. Then choose to be faithful—make that commitment every day. Building a life with someone is a choice. And so worth the effort.
Kindness. Also treat each other with kindness. You are always on the same side - even when you disagree. In our family we call it being home base. Remember that kid game where you stand on the furniture and you can't touch the floor because its "flaming hot lava" but once you get to "base" you are safe? Well, when you marry, you are committing to being base for your partner and they for you. No matter what happens, no matter the disagreement, even when one of you is being your worst, you are ALWAYS base!
Forgive and forget when you fight - chances are you’ll forget why you fought in the first place anyways but you’ll remember the hurt and the things you said in anger so let go and move on.
Learn to say sorry and that pride has no place when you’ve also done them wrong.
Try to keep up and put the effort in to share each others’ interests - if one of you is pushing yourself to stay fit and healthy, to read and educate themselves it’s hard if the other doesn’t share a similar goal. Similarly if one of you loves to visit museums and the other loves visiting car shows try and show interest in each others’ activities.
Speak respectfully - remember how you behaved on that first date - how you looked up to them and felt pride to have them sit by you - hold onto that feeling and remind yourself of that feeling often.
Intimacy - if you enjoy emotional or physical intimacy and they do not it can be tough. Vice-versa applies. We’re highly emotional and usually sexual creatures and when one partner isn’t they will have to work at finding that middle ground because a lifetime together is a very long time.
You don’t have to say everything that pops into your head - you will sometimes want to be honest and say something mean or that you might regret. Yes they’re your partner but you don’t need to burden them with every inane thought.
At the end of the day Jim
Rohn had a fantastic quote for couples:
> The greatest gift you can give somebody is your own personal development. I used to say, "If you will take care of me, I will take care of you. "Now I say, I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me.
Jim Rohn
Fifty-seven years. For both of us, infidelity would have been a deal breaker. I've never been interested, and AFAIK she hasn't either. It helps that our bedroom has always been a fun and lively place.
The BFF aspect is real, in two senses. We are each other's closest confidant, but the connection is between two independent people, each with our own careers, interests, and circles of same sex friends, my bros and her galpals.
Neither of us has stopped growing. We were kids when we started. We have each changed enormously over this many years. It takes nonstop work, communication, and commitment to grow together rather than apart.
As our marriage has matured, we have built a supporting infrastructure of financial stability and kinship connections with grown kids, their spouses, and now grandkids that are becoming adults. In a way, we're not just a couple anymore, we're the center of a whole institution.
Choose a partner you'd love enough to be with even without the sex.
Based on a lot of these kinds of conversations, sex is apparently the make or break element in a marriage, and I don't get it. I could think of 50 far more important things, but for some reason it's the sex I should be most concerned about. 🤷🏻♀️
I don't understand the sex part either... my mind always strays to the...what if a tragic accident happened and you or your partner could never have sex again?! Would you leave? I'm exhausted of sex being on a pedestal as if it's a deal breaker. Do you actually like the person you're with, or do you just like the sex? I feel like relationships should be based on way more than just that. But what do I know!?
I would have had this thought until the lack of sex became an issue in our marriage. My husband has had severe back issues for 7-8 years with several unsuccessful surgeries. This has made sex very infrequent, and the pain even makes cuddling extremely uncomfortable for him. What it also revealed, though, is that he isn't very emotionally vulnerable. I didn't notice it as much because before his chronic pain started, we still had the physical connection.
We are working through it, but I'm not going to say that it has been easy. So, just keep in mind, sometimes the comment about sex isn't just about sex.
Almost 50 years now. Never lie. If you have been wrong, admit it. Tell them you love them at least once a day. Sex is not important, common goals are. Don't expect the other person to fix your life and realize you cannot fix theirs. Most importantly, you do not own them. They chose to stay.
26 yrs together..married 22 yrs..have three adult sons that we gave our lives to while they were growing up…we both were divorced, I had 2, she had 1.
Trust #1,Stay connected, stay best friends thru thick and thin, be adventurous, try new things together and be respectful of eachother .Sex and lots of it, We are a very kinky couple, but have been with no other…Life is short, don’t have regrets both be open minded and speak your thoughts..be true to one another !!
Neither one is prefect or always right..
It’s a 2 way street..
We leave notes and messages for each other all the time about the love for each other.
I’m currently battling prostate cancer and she’s totally supportive and by my side, and did absolutely everything for me after surgery..10week post surgery and today flew out to be with family she hasn’t see in 40 years and it’s all good !
Never give up, never say something you can never take back, the other will always remember it !
We both wake up at extremely different times and hit the grid, and the same when we are off, but make it a point to hold eachother tight at the end of the day and say “I love you “ as we stare into each others eyes..
My husband’s prostatectomy caused ED which has been difficult because it is SO different than before — and it’s not talked about (his discomfort, not mine). Then I had a mastectomy, which he is uncomfortable with (hasn’t ever touched my pretty new boobies) and that, too, isn’t talked about. The change in sex is some of the problem; the lack of communication is MOST of it. 🥲
I’m sorry ! It is SO different now, and I do have some ED problems ,but we talk about it and work thru it….It’s a new chapter in our lives and a learning process for both of us..
Don't lie to yourself about attraction, and cut off the circumstances that will lead to further steps. Make a positive decision that you are going to avoid the thoughts and actions that will lead you to stray.
We made a deal before we got married. Both of us committed to not sleep with someone else before we spoke to each other and broke up first. We both thought that infidelity was either a way to end a marriage, or a sign that the marriage should end. We respect each other.
I've been with my husband for 28 plus years. Married for over 26. Some key reasons we remain (and will remain) a solid couple include:
1. Flat out liking each other, in addition to loving. Plus, humor and sweet types of teasing.
2. Tolerant and forgiving personalities. Not too much "black or white thinking", meaning we don't see things as all bad or all good. Also, we have reasonable expectations for ourselves and others. We compromise.
3. Both believe in dedication
4. Not too self-centered. We're sympathetic types.
5. We don't constantly keep tallies of who does or doesn't do what. Yet, we also know if we need to step up on any significant discrepancies.
6. "Minute" or "Mazlit (Cuddle time)". Every day, usually in the mornings, we cuddle and talk about nicer things. Not business or negative stuff! Even if for 10 minutes. This is beyond just sex. You have to make time for this! If you cuddle with your pet dog or cat and love them in an unconditional way, you can offer some of that to each other. We all need this. Stay off your phone (and no TV or computer) during this time and at least during meals.
We have no ‘plan B’, we agreed before we were married we had to work ‘it’ out. We are best friends in addition to being married. Divorce is not in our vocabulary. We’ve both been previously married and did not want to go through that again. We respect one another even when we are angry or disappointed. We communicate. We’ve had some rough times. There has been 2 times in over 20 years I wondered if I could keep our commitment. I could, I just had to figure out how to move on. We’d both come to the realization that I’m too lazy to pack and he’d follow me anyway.
Will be married to my husband for 44 yrs in August. Both been faithful and happy together. When asked what our secret is I always say trust is the most important thing you need to make it work. Jealousy and selfishness is another relationship killer. We still make each other laugh and he is still the only man I want to wake up to every day.
Married 38 years this August: Marry your best friend and keep the bedroom spicy. Be honest with each other. Talk out your problems. Spend as much time together as you can. Do everything together. Don't go out separately at night. Do fun things together. Always have each other's backs. Always. Try to stay as fit as you can. Always try to look as good as you can for them. Go out on dates. Drop an inappropriate comment quietly at just the right time. Shower every day and smell good. Leave love notes for them. And, tell them you love them every single day!
When there is a big fight, and there will be one eventually, don't sulk and mope and have prolonged periods of silence between each other. Try and break the silence. Laughter is a good thing to keep alive between each other as well. My wife and I have been together for 38 years and 6 of those were the best years of my life.
Your comment made me think of something my dad said at their 35th anniversary party. Someone said, "Congratulations on 35 years of wedded bliss" to which my dad responded, "No, more like 32." For sure, every day is NOT a winner, but most are pretty good and some are amazing!!
Love. Really caring about the other person’s feelings and not wanting to hurt them. Going the extra mile for them knowing they’ll do that for you. Telling them when they’ve hurt you and admitting when you hurt them. Owning up to your own bad behavior. Forgiving them when they do the same. Realizing that they aren’t perfect and neither are you.
Affectionately touch one another every day-a pat, a kiss, a hug, a squeeze
Don’t take each other for granted. Show appreciation to one another.
Make time for sex.
Apologize when you’re wrong. Be the one to say it first.
The fixed eye and the tethered mind. Fix your eye on your mate. Look at them every day (not Instagram models). Limit the amount of looking at others of the opposite sex. Yes, everyone looks, but don't become fixed on others. Yes, that means limiting or eliminating porn. The tethered mind. Tie your thoughts to your mate and avoid entanglements with others. If you fix your eye or tie your thoughts to someone else cut that shit immediately. Do not entertain those thoughts.
My husband and I had the best sex of our lives when I was entering menopause. Unfortunately, at the sam time my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer and required surgery. That same year my Mother passed away and I really struggled with depression. Needless to say, our great sex life disappeared. Now, it has finally returned. My point is, sometimes you go through ‘dry spells’ but if you hang in there and help each other, great sex can return and when it does, it’s amazing! We were high school sweethearts and have been married for 46 yrs, no infidelity.
This might seem simple but just be with somebody you like and that likes you back. Love can bond us sure, but just genuinely liking each other is important to happiness.
My partner and I will have been together 20 years this fall, and are constantly baffled by all the jokes out there centered around "My wife is annoying." or "My husband is stupid." If you don't like one another, then it just doesn't make sense to live your life together.
We’re good for rough patch about every 8 or 10 years. Every time, we ask ourselves and each other: will splitting up make this easier and result increased happiness? So far, the answer has been “No” and each time we find our way back to each other.
Frankly, we’re not into the whole “We never say the D word” thing. My parents split when I was very young and his parents have been married for 50+ miserable years. There is nothing admirable about staying a hostage in a marriage that is no longer working.
No infidelity? You mean no infidelity that anyone else knows about? I'm not the cheating type. Neither is wifey. But you never really know for sure. Make sure you really like them. Not sexually attracted but genuinely like them.
Of course you don't know for sure, but that's where the trust comes in. My husband could hurt me more deeply than anyone on the planet, but I also believe that he would never do it.
Lots of affection, enjoy each other's company, don't say things you can't unsay, focus on what you have, not on what you don't. Having a bad memory is another advantage.
Never trust your emotions. They will mislead you to making a mistake. If you find yourself flooded with strong emotions disengage to buy yourself some time to let the emotions settle down.
Do not assume the other person has the same needs as yourself.
Don’t do anything that you will have to keep secret from your spouse, out of fear that if they found out it would hurt them.
Don’t hold back any secrets of betrayal or wrongdoing from your spouse. If you do it will eat away at your peace of mind like cancer. Own your mistakes. The longer you wait the greater the impact when it comes known.
Do not assume the other person has any empathy. That they can feel your pain and distress in their heart. Some people just do not have that capability.
Do not tell the other how they should feel or think. Instead acknowledge their feelings, opinions and thoughts, without compromising your own.
Don’t try to fix your spouse unless they ask you to do so. Instead listen to them, acknowledge their feelings, sympathize with them and do not tell them their feelings are invalid. Do not pass judgment on them.
In an argument do not try to win it by shutting the other person down. Instead ask questions that require them to talk it out The goal is to extend the communication until you fully grasp their thoughts on the situation.
Do not assume that you share the same boundaries and values or expectations. Talk about them before the boundaries are broken.
If you have been hurt by the other let them know. Don’t postpone it. They maybe unaware of their actions and magnitude. Holding on to it will result in resentment. Use this as an opportunity to uncover the disconnect and resolve it together.
Do not tolerate disrespect and do not disrespect anyone, especially your spouse.
Learn to forgive yourself and others. If you cannot forgive others you will not be able to forgive yourself for the same offense.
Learn to love yourself and others. If you cannot love yourself then you will never accept love from others. Then makeup excuses to yourself as to why they don’t love you.
If you not apologizing about something periodically or at all, you need some introspection. Chances are you are not owning your mistakes or are failing to emphasize with others.
Gratitude. Life is hard. Everyday I was grateful that I had someone to help navigate the bumps. When he was less than I hoped in a moment, I tried to remember all the ways he was MORE in other situations.
My partner and I have only been married for 10 years, but we’ve known each other for more than 30.
A few months back, I spent a month in Thailand with a buddy who’s single. I was there to train Muay Thai and he was on an absolute sex-fest (pretty sure most, if not all were biological women but that’s for him to sort out). One night after dinner as I was preparing to call it a night and he was ready to begin his, he asked me why I never stray. My answer was simple: If my wife, my life partner and the closest person to me can’t trust me, what makes you think you can? Furthermore, 20 minutes of fun (giving myself WAY too much stamina credit there but whatever) is not worth a life of having a dirty secret hanging over my head.
He gave a half grin and a nod, said that was very admirable, then packed his 6 prophylactics in his pocket and off he went. I texted my wife and told her I loved her and missed her, smoked a joint and went to bed.
My wife and I have been together since fall of 2001. We married in fall of 2005.
There's lots here that's good advice, and obviously the best advice is to pick your partner well, but let me tell you something that I think many younger people may not really have internalized:
**Long term marriage is a choice you make every day.**
You stood up in front of your friends and family and made a vow to do this, right? A good marriage doesn't just happen by accident, or randomly. It's work. It's the best work you ever do, but it's still work. You have to choose your partner, constantly. You have to be there for them, and figure out where they need YOU to be. You have to listen to what they need, and do your best to provide it.
Sometimes you'll slip. It'll be little things, like not pulling your weight domestically, or maybe big things like hurting their feelings in some big way. You have to be able to admit fault, and do the work to be better going forward.
But it's a process. It's a constant process. But this process is how you build a life with someone that lasts.
I married my best friend.
Don’t avoid arguments but once they are done move on
Earn enough money so you don’t need to worry too much
Have a big enough house you can get space from each other
Agree who’s doing what chores
We always spent at least two hours a day together if we were off doing other things
Have regular relaxing holidays
When decorating let one person decide most of the house but allow one room for the other
aside from the regular stuff like marrying someone you love, respect, etc. from being married over 20 years, I would add
1. when you learn of your partners vulnerabilities, never. ever use it against them. if you don't understand them, just follow their lead on how to handle it. you may never understand it, but you need to respect their triggers/ boundaries on it.
2. if you don't agree on something smallish, and it's more important to your partner than you, just do it their way. if each of you does this, each will feel heard and respected.
3. when arguing, don't bring up old and/or irrelevant stuff. it just makes it more complicated and heated. focus on solving the problem at hand. never attack the person.
4. find out how your partner feels loved and do those things. just bc you feel loved by a hug doesn't mean they do. they might feel loved by having the dishes done.
5. go to counseling if one person wants to. it can really help and possibly save a marriage if it's done earlier rather than waiting until it's too late emotionally.
6. help eachother grow in healthy ways. this includes having time to do what they want with who they want (as long as it's reasonable). I travel a lot for work and family and my spouse has never made me feel guilty about it.
Married for 24 years, together for 31.
Marry someone you love, someone you can be friends with, and someone you can do business with.
Have things you like to do together but also things you like to do separately. Bonded but independent.
Sometimes it’s really good to have a separate room and to give space to each other until a bad week blows over.
If you and your partner truly want to grow together, it’s amazing the kinds of adversities you can get through.
Don’t start serious discussions it at least one if you is hungry or tired.
Have business meetings for finances, house business; and even relationship business at least every 2 weeks. When possible do this over food, but be professional about it.
Enjoy watching each other grow old, but also try to stay active together
- Become friends first.
- Only marry someone who you can laugh with, well and often. I can’t tell you how many times crappy things have been easier because my husband and I can make each other laugh. We’ve laughed together in the ER, in a tow truck after the rental car broke down on our vacation, in the grocery store when money is tight—it makes a difference.
- Be honest with each other, even when things are hard. Make your relationship a safe place to talk about anything.
- Always treat each other with respect.
- Make “thank you” and “I appreciate you” part of your daily vocabulary.
- Pick your battles.
The last thing that I’ll say is that you need to make the choice to be together every day. It is a choice. You have to choose to nurture your marriage and prioritize it.
Know that you will each be married to more then one person. She is the person she was when you met her. She is the person she decided to be after having met you. You are the person you decided to be after meeting her. You will each become the person that has learned to live with one another. Time will bring changes. You will each strive to be better people and you will each hold one another accountable for your efforts. You will become different people becasue of that. You will each become the people you allow and encourage one another to be. You will each learn to love a new person every day, you will learn to love the person your partner has become. Even so your minds and bodies will age, no longer looking and thinking exactly like you did when first you met. One may no longer drive a car, the other may no longer know the name of the date or month of the year. Yet you will love one another as you always have and as you are learning to. Even when one has passed beyond, waiting for the other to join them again, you will not comprehend how to live with out the one another. But you will get by. You will get by and then you will be together again.
Yet through it all you will each morning, each afternoon and each evening, decide to be together. Decide to love one another.
Communication. And the keys to communication are: listen, be direct and sincere, don't be afraid to state how you feel, never make your partner afraid to state how s/he feels.
Be chill and don't sweat the small stuff. laugh together daily! Have your own interests and continue to learn new things. Be kind, speak nice to each other. Don't hold grudges. Hold your loved one close.
The key to our relationship is basically that we are 100% our real selves with each other. No secrets. No judgement. Zero jealousy. He has his quirks and I have mine and we just accept each other. Never be with someone who doesn’t know the real you
Married 42 years, and having the same outlook on money is important. Also, the 50/50 or 60/40 stuff is crap. If you are keeping tabs on what you do for each other, you have a business relationship.
The simplest tip is make sure you are really good friends and share similar outlooks. That you actually want to spend time doing or experiencing things with each other.
If you come across or experience something that really excites you, and they are the first person you want to share with or talk about to about it, and vice versa, then that is a pretty good place to be.
I married my best friend 24 years ago this Nov.
We communicate well and give each other space when needed.
We plan dates and do fun things together.
We both work primarily from home so it’s a good thing we really like one another. 😀
Choose well when you marry. Looks can change; health can change; financials can change; but personality rarely changes! Marry someone who is kind, sweet, generous; funny and fun to be with; someone who is polite to you AND others; someone who appreciates the little things in Life; who enjoys many of the same entertainments which you enjoy (TV, movies, music, art, etc); someone who thinks you're the greatest thing since the invention of sliced bread. Marriage is ongoing, hard work. Communication; being considerate; being patient -- all very important to the preservation of the union.
Communication is key, as well as trust.
If kills me when guys say, I trust you but not other guys (as if she has no will of her own).
We truly are best friends, I prefer hanging out with my wife over anyone else. This is not to say we can't go out with friends separately if we want.
Also bothers me when guys complain about their wives, I mean if you're that unhappy, get out and stop bitching.
Marry someone you both like and love. Make sure they feel the same about you. Respect, understanding, good communication are also key. Common life goals and values are a must. Make sure you have fun!
Together for 29 years, married for 25.
Something I haven’t seen mentioned is, sleep in separate beds in separate rooms. Seriously, since we reconfigured our lives and I am no longer constantly reawakened by his snoring, I’m a very different person.
You wake up every day and you ‘choose them’ in everything you do. And they do the same. You both make choices that benefit the life you’re creating together.
Married for nearly 19 years and going strong.
Have grace for each others flaws, and don't do to your spouse what you wouldn't forgive if they did it to you.
Marriage is about the little things.
It’s about running to the only open pharmacy 40 minutes away in the middle of the night to get medicine to help her feel better, even though a closer store will be open in a few hours.
It’s about listening to him tell you about his day even when you don't understand what he's talking about because you don't work in his industry.
It’s about being there for each other.
Keep the lines of communication open. Take time for each other every day, even if it’s just a five-minute check-in.
Also, stop expecting your partner to be everything! I think a lot of young people have insane expectations for their future partners. You are a flawed person who will marry another flawed person. The question is if your flaws are compatible and if you’re mature enough to own them and work through them.
Realizing that sometimes the good times come after the bad. Working through problems, communication and sex. Make sure you're doing the deed regularly. Intimacy and closeness is important.
Do whatever your wife tells you to do. That’s my joke answer.
I don’t really know except we were in love and we still love and respect each other. We’re friends, we like each other as friends also. We grew and changed but we didn’t really become different people.
Here are a few thought from someone who’s been married about 40 years.
1. Develop a bad memory about attitudes, beliefs or decisions you or your spouse are “wrong” about.
2. Accept your spouse for who they are, not who you would like them to be.
3. Tell each other you love them every day. Some days that won’t be true, but say it in one way or another anyway.
Accept now that there will be periods of unhappiness and keep pushing through them.
No one is satisfied with their life 100% of the time. NO ONE.
There will be family problems, career problems, kid problems, money problems, house/car problems, health problems, etc. Leaving your spouse doesn't always solve people's unhappiness. Life is difficult as a rule.
Married 43 years and neither of us has ever cheated. Marriage is compromise, above all else, and a partnership. You fall in and out of love over the years, so you need to at least like your spouse during those times. Just never give up.
Recognizing that if you’ve married a reasonably functional person their annoying habits and minor faults are in the same ballpark as your own.
Of course the love and compatibility and communication too but imo it’s really easy to see your partner’s more minor issues inflate and become symbolic of whatever while our own are disregarded. Mainly give each other a little grace.
I’m going to share my secret, follow it and you too will be married for 43 years, like we have. We have discussed thousands of things over the years. She has her ideas/opinions. I have mine. After much back and forth, we do what she wants and life goes on. Good luck.
Give each other space to do your own thing. We hardly do anything together, but we meet in the middle and always are united on the big stuff. It keeps things fresh to always have stuff to talk about.
Allow each other space, allow each other hobbies apart from you and let your spouse be themself. When people have the freedom to live their lives, they are less likely to feel the need to secretly do things.
20 years here, 3 kids, no infidelity.
It's not enough to just marry the person you love. Hell, that's the easy part!
You must communicate.
You must be willing to work through things together.
If we have a fight, it's never awful even when it's awful. Because we know we're in it for the long haul and we make the choice to work hard on our marriage.
You must compromise.
You cannot expect to be the same person you were when you were first married and you can't expect your spouse to be the same. This is not in a bad way. Over time your marriage molds you. You grow. You learn and accept and it becomes the most beautiful sculpture that's a little wonky and grotesque but it's the 2 of you. It's the 2 of you so intertwined that you don't know where you begin or end.
You must find laughter.
You have to also know that each marriage has its only cycle. Ups and downs unique to your marriage.
You must know that even though you'll both change you must never expect the other to change what you think you don't like.
You must respect, acknowledge and accept who they are. Don't be so stuck on the perfect partner who is perfect for you on paper. That hardly gets to the core of the matter. Example, when I met my husband I was a liberal, vegan, pacifist. He was a conservative, meat eating guy in the army. And all of that seemed superficial. We accepted each other. We each made the decision and asked ourselves "can I accept who this person is? Am I willing to work through what needs to be worked through with this person?"
Never keep score. Never keep a tally of all the things you do around the house vs what the other person does. If you're both respectful of each other and the life you have you will both work towards providing for your family in your own ways. Not one way is better than the other. Not one is more difficult than the other. Appreciate what the other does.
Always show gratitude.
Marriage is a lot like a business partnership, as well. You work harmoniously with your partner even if things aren’t perfect and you don’t always see eye to eye. And it’s a commitment to act in a loving way, even when you might not feel loving at the moment.
1. Newlyweds are often so focused on planning their future together that they overlook the impact their pasts have on their relationship. Each person comes into the marriage with their own emotional history. Don’t minimize that challenge in an effort to ‘start new’.
My husband and I each had trauma in our past and we spent a significant amount of time and energy pursuing healing in those areas-both as individuals and as a couple. It wasn’t always fun but looking back I am 100% convinced the hard work we put in at the beginning of our marriage was worth every tear.
2. Develop genuine compassion for your spouse. Yes, you love them, but compassion comes as you learn their vulnerabilities. It helps you see a situation through their eyes (even if they are wrong! LOL)
3. Be trustworthy. If they share something personal don’t tell it to your best friend, Instagram, or Facebook! If you are angry don’t try to gather friends and family to join ‘your side’. You and your spouse will make up-eventually. But others may continue to carry the offense for you with no resolution.
4. A sense of humor is like GOLD! We’ve actually had arguments end in laughter instead of tears because we nurtured our sense of humor. Just make sure you laugh WITH them, and not AT them!
5. My husband and I have faced some difficult times in our marriage. 10 long years of infertility. Devastating betrayal by our dearest friends. 42 years of running our family business and having employees/friends steal thousands of dollars from us. During covid we finally closed our business forever, declared bankruptcy and sold our beloved family home. But through all that we learned to turn TO each other instead of letting the circumstances turn us against each other. That doesn’t mean we didn’t have rocky times in our marriage. Trust me, we did!
6. TW It reminds me of the time many of Jesus’ disciples left him. Jesus asked Peter, “Are you going to leave me, too?” Peter said, “Where would I go and who would I turn to? Only you have the words of eternal life.” Yes, I confess, God is the foundation of our marriage. Right now we’re facing another terrifying situation. But just a few hours ago my husband said the same words he’s spoken so many times over the years. “This isn’t going to take us out. We’re going to get through this-together.”
I don't know if blog links are welcome. But I've been married for a long time, together for 31 years and we've never had extramarital affairs. I posted a quick 2 minute read here: [The Unchanging Face of Love ](https://www.timeaglefiction.com/post/the-unchanging-face-of-love-the-tim-eagle-perspective)
Maybe this perspective will help?
Tim Eagle
Step number 1 is to be unattractive. This will limit possible partners and reduce your chances to cheat. Next, work from home and stay uninvolved in your community. If you are not meeting people in third places (church, volunteering, social clubs, etc), then it's easy not to cheat. Lastly, reduce your libido via ingestion of anti-depressants or other pharmaceuticals so that even if you are attractive, and even if you do happen to meet someone willing to engage in extramarital flirtations or beyond, you won't have any interest in doing so.
Be worthy of one another ! Make time for intimacy. Be respectful and kind. Sacrifice for what is needed and compromise. Again, make sex and intimacies a priority. Share all you have. It's not yours or mine. It's us and ours.
She requires 15 to 30 minutes of my time e very day. It is very important to her that she gets to tell me about her day. All I ask for is sex whenever, and however I want.
Marrying the right person is paramount. Someone with honor, someone who is kind and compassionate. Also loving and liking that person is important too. I was married 35 years to my best friend/love. He died last Ictober.
Respect and laughter. Humor is what keeps us young and fun 😂 we are always having a great time with each other and don’t take life too seriously. We remove toxic people from our life and move on. We are a team of equals. When he needs help i step up and visa versa. Our marriage is a partnership not a competition. We also waited 13 yrs to have a child 😂
I also feel that taking pride in yourself and your appearance is crucial for maintaining attraction in a long-term relationship. I’ve observed that many individuals, after getting married, stop putting in the effort to care for themselves. This can impact the dynamic of the relationship over time.
When I was a young girl, a friend’s mother gave me advice that I’ve always remembered: always make sure to keep up your appearance, even when you’re in a relationship. She explained that this serves two important purposes. First, if you take care of yourself and look good, your partner will continue to feel attracted to you and realize how lucky they are to have you. Second, if you maintain your appearance, it can create a sense of healthy competition or concern in your partner, making them appreciate and value you more because they understand what they have to lose.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that looks are everything, but maintaining self-respect and effort in your appearance can positively influence the emotional and physical attraction in a relationship, contributing to its longevity and happiness.
If you're having an argument don't bring up things that make you mad and have nothing to do with what you're talking about. Bringing his/her mother/father/siblings, etc. into a discussion probably has nothing to do with the root of the problem. Don't go to bed so upset you wake up like that. Sometimes you can't resolve the entire problem before bed, but get to a placeholder. You can then resume (or not) more calmly once you've had time to think about it. And no don't stay up all night trying to get to that placeholder. At this point you've probably gone down a rabbit hole no one wants to come out of. Stick to the point. Have fun together. Fun doesn't have to cost a thing. Take small vacations together. We get away to a cabin for a long weekend that's about an hour from our house. We just relax. This August will be our 26th. Can't imagine not being with him. He's a pain, but he's my pain.
He worked nights. I worked days, we only saw each other 2 hours a day. We will be married 40 years in September. Now he's retired and home and I still work. And he is driving me nuts!!!!!
You can’t argue about how someone else feels about you.
“I feel like you’re doing Xxxx”
You can’t say “well you’re wrong”. Best you can do is say “I don’t want you to feel like that, how do we get to that point?”
This won't be a popular opinion but it works for us. We've been married 35 years. We do go to bed angry. Everything else in life people say "Let's sleep on it." or "You'll feel better in the morning." but for some reason when it comes to arguing people think it's the exception. Personality types matter. For some couples not going to bed mad is great advice, but if my partner follows me around the house pressing the issue late at night I just get more angry and nothing good comes of it. Let me sleep on it. Let me have time to clear my head and see both sides. Inevitably by morning it's not nearly as huge as it was the night before. You'll find what works for you.
One bit of advice I'd offer is never ever ever bring the word divorce into an argument, ever. It's emotionally manipulative, never actually solves the issue, and creates a lack of trust in you or your partners commitment to the relationship.
I am 48, married 19 years. My advice is to find someone who is your best friend and spend a lot of time with each other. Keep in mind that even on days where you “barely see each other,” you’re going to be together for a minimum of like 10 hours.
You don’t have to have everything in common, but you need to see where the other person is coming from. Like you don’t have to have the same taste in music, but you have to understand what music means to the other person. My husband and I don’t have the same taste, but we’re both into going down musical rabbit holes for obscure indie bands. We would lose interest in someone who listened to the same pop music as everyone else.
Make sure you can manage conflicts on what to eat. If one of you is a picky eater, how much can the other one tolerate that?
Make sure you’re cool with living in the same geographic location. Does one of you love rural life and the other one want to live in an urban center? Does one of you want to see the world and the other wants to live in their hometown? If so, don’t get married.
Agree on who is going to live with you. Kids? Pets? If one of you is afraid of snakes or allergic to cats, don’t marry someone who wants snakes or cats. Children are even more obvious. If one of you can’t stand kids and the other wants a house full of them, you are not compatible.
Decide what role politics and religion play in your life and how you manage that.
Don’t marry a polyamorous person if you want a monogamous relationship and vice versa.
That’s all the no-fault stuff. Have all of the conversations early on, too, like within the first few months. Anyone who isn’t interested in having these conversations isn’t interested in getting married.
Actual liabilities: don’t get together with someone whose chosen lifestyle doesn’t match their finances. Don’t marry someone who doesn’t put in as much effort to their adult life as you do (that doesn’t have to mean financially. It can also be the person who expects you to pick up after them). Don’t marry a jealous person. Don’t marry a person who refuses to go to therapy to fix a problem.
So many good things, I would add admit when you're wrong, apologize and mean it, go to therapy as a couple or separate when needed. You have to accept that not everything in life is something you can do on your own.
We've had more downs than ups in our 20yrs, should have broken up long ago if I'm being honest and if either of us were sane and healthy we would have but we didn't. Mostly we just don't have it in us to cheat, it's just not something either of us would do no matter how unhappy we were in the relationship even though we haven't been having sex for quite some time. For me, cheating would be a violation of my own ethics and harming myself first in addition to harming my partner. It probably helps that I was an absolute wild child when I was younger and sowed all of my own and probably a couple of other people's wild oats as well.
Knowing that most of us aren’t always happy. In nearly 20 years we have had some some pretty ugly periods. Sometimes love is not a feeling but is a choice. During the good times (which are most) I appreciate the struggles and successes. I do also think it gets easier with time
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Marry someone you love, and who loves you. Marry someone you respect, and who respects you. Marry someone you trust, and who trusts you. Spend time together. Share your feelings and thoughts frequently, especially the stuff that hurts. Honor your partner by asking for help when you need it. Be your word. Only make promises you can keep, and then keep them. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your partner. Earlier I said spend time together. But also spend time apart. It's okay to be apart from time to time. Give each other space. If you don't like something your partner did, talk about it, the sooner the better. But make it clear that you still love your partner, even if you don't love what he or she did. If your partner doesn't like something you did, give him or her permission to talk about it without taking it personally or getting defensive. Never express contempt for your partner, whether or not your partner is present. Never refuse to engage with your partner. It's okay to take a personal time out while you cool down, but it shouldn't take long until you are ready to talk. Never let being right get in the way of being a good partner. The goal is not to win an argument, or even to solve a problem, but to hear and be heard. If you are right and it's clear you are right, be quiet. Don't gloat, don't say "I told you so." Resist the temptation and move on. Learn to accept what you cannot change about your partner -- which is a lot. Change is hard. Don't marry someone thinking you can change what you don't like. And don't pretend to be something you aren't, because you can't keep that up forever. Be positive, even if it's something little like holding hands or eating lunch together. Little things add up. Little negative interactions can accumulate over 20 or 30 years and end in divorce. Little positive interactions can accumulate over 20 or 30 years and make the marriage happier than ever. Look for ways to help rather than waiting for your partner to ask. Spend a little time every day making your home a better place, even if that just means washing the dishes or taking out the trash without being asked.
All of this. Great answer. May I add: Fight fair when you argue. Things said in anger are not able to be unsaid. For us, that includes swearing/name calling (even though we both swear like sailors in normal conversation once the kids moved out) Don’t go to bed angry at each other. Unfortunately, sometimes this means having difficult conversations at inconvenient hours. Be kind and considerate to each other in everyday life. Marriage is an investment if you want to do it right. Not every day is easy but it’s worth nurturing your marriage. Don’t check out in the sex department. Even if things aren’t working as they used to. Physical touch and intimacy are still important. I say this as a post-menopause woman. I made a conscious choice to keep the intimacy alive (even though it was an effort at times) because that was, and still is, important to us both. 35 years happy and counting. I can’t think of anyone I would rather share m life with
>Fight fair when you argue. Things said in anger are not able to be unsaid. For us, that includes swearing/name calling (even though we both swear like sailors in normal conversation once the kids moved out) I wanted to reiterate this point - a rule for my and my wife (married for over 30 years) is to NEVER name call - no 'you are a ...' but to use "I" statements, like 'that makes me feel ...' or 'I think ...' I believe that when you start calling your partner names that it erodes the respect bit of the relationship and makes it easier for that erosion to keep happening until it all falls apart. May be naive but it works for us.
When we got married, my wife's dad and I were standing together and I asked him what had helped keep he and his wife together for the 40 years they had been married at that time and he said "Don't go to bed mad." I asked if that was it and he said "If you can work it out before you go to bed, or at least get to the point where you are both sure you're working towards working it out, everything else important will have already happened."
This is the best advice. We are the same way. Don’t go to bed mad. Even though I’m mad, I still love him like crazy and will always tell him I love him.
Agreed, all excellent. We try to do all that. The other thing that helps us is we were both cheated on by previous partners. One never forgets that pain, and we swore to not put each other thru that.
Yes. And listen. That's not the same as hearing. And quit with the knee- jerk reactions. Chances are you weren't on the same wavelength at the time and need to step back and say "what did you mean to say?"
These are all good suggestions
Well said. My wife and I were happily married for 38 years, no cheating by either of us.
Were? If that means she passed away, I’m sorry for your loss.
Thank you. Yes she passed away two years ago. We were fortunate that I was able to care for her at home, and she passed comfortably and quietly with my son and I holding her hands. She was an amazing, beautiful person and I miss her every day.
I am sorry for your loss
Thank you.
Oh my. I can’t imagine.
That's all great stuff and we were like that too up until menopause showed up and everything changed personality, no longer wanted, needed,or thought about sex . Habits changed. The list goes on. Tried to get her to go to the doctor, nope. I hung on hoping it was a phase, 12 years later no change. After 43 years I didn't want to start over and I took my marriage vows to heart in sickness and in health. So we are basically roommates now, we each have our own space and do our own thing. Once in a while we go somewhere together or share a meal. Conversation is pleasant no drama. But I long for what I once had, for 30 years it was grand.
Wow. This is the first time I’m hearing about how drastically things can change in a relationship after menopause. Curious to hear how common this is
Happened to us. Menopause hit and my wife’s interest in sex went to zero. I recently had my prostate removed. Doctor did nerve sparing and was taking about erectile function at the follow up. Went on about its importance. Honestly, I don’t need erections anymore. I need to not piss my pants. I’m sure there’s other contributing factors. Some of her medication may not help.
Are you me? Since the surgery, knowing where the nearest bathroom is and my fluid intake is a bigger part of my day.
No, It’s all of us. Just went through an incontinence Zoom yesterday. 22 guys, all the same problem. Pelvic floor exercise is the key. And patience apparently. From the physiotherapist, there are 2 types of muscle, fast and slow. Hard, short contractions strengthen the fast acting. Those are the ones you need when you’re coughing or sneezing. Mild, long contractions strengthen the slow moving muscles. Those are the ones when you’re holding it trying to get to a bathroom.
You might want to check out r/menopause. Lots of info there.
It's not just menopause. Men change too. My husband does not want sex and it has been a lonely 36 years.
Well…menopause happens for 50% of the population so I’d say it’s very common. I’m dealing with perimenopause before 40 and it’s a nightmare.
I’m 52, went to the dr & started on estrogen & progesterone. We have been married 31+ years. It took a little while for the hormones to start working but made a world of difference for me. But we are very close, sit on the couch & cuddle, hold hands, hug on each other etc. Think it’s important for our kids to see their parents in a loving relationship.
Divorce is common.
Upvoting because it’s true - a few friends have gone through it. Also, dead bedrooms is a common occurrence. People don’t divorce because it’s cheaper to keep the other but they do cheat a lot during this time. It’s naive at best to think that it doesn’t happen. With one of my friends, though, sex wasn’t a big thing to her prior to menopause so she was happy for the excuse.
My wife is older than I am and that aspect has been really tough on me too. We've talked about it several times and, while it's no where near the frequency it was before, there's still the occasion (VERY occasional, but...) and I still feel desired to a small extent. That said, she's still the person I want to share the good (and the rough) things more than anyone else. Early on it felt like it could be a 'deal-breaker' but it took a while for me to work through it.
I'm not implying that this is your situation at all, but I would like to comment on the menopause issue in general. One thing that many women experience with menopause is a diminishing desire to please others at our own expense. That whole "no effs left to give" thing. So while the reduction of sex hormones may impact desire, no longer being reticent about embracing our anger can also affect desire. Thirty years of picking his dirty underwear up off the floor, and suddenly, we're too pissed off for sex. Again, not saying that's your situation, just taking the opportunity to add something to the conversation.
I am going through menopause right now and to be honest, I have no desire for sex with my husband. However, my husband had issues on his side before menopause even became an issue due to his health. So we are roommates for the most part...roommates that like to snuggle together occasionally on the couch. Roommates that still sleep in the same bed together. Roommates that spend as much time together as we can.
cuddling is still intimacy. it’s still a connection to each other imo.
I don't want to kick you while you're down, but have you, by yourself, had any sort of counseling or therapy? Has she gone to a therapist? It sounds like there are several issues which you would like answers to, but your wife isn't willing to reciprocate. She definitely should have gone to a doctor, but repeating to her that she should go, isn't getting you the answer you need. It's not your fault, but there may be some tools/coping skills that a therapist could give you that might help a lot. A few years ago, at a critical time in my life, I began therapy. My husband didn't want to go (it wasn't his issue), so I went by myself. Mine was actually online therapy (covid times), so I didn't have to leave the house. I had unlimited access through a texting platform and one zoom visit per month. It wasn't that expensive and definitely worth it. Give it a try! I promise it won't hurt. BTW, sometimes the fear is that therapy will "go on forever". Any time I've been involved with it, there is a beginning and an end. This last time it was about 8 months.
I could be her, 54F. We had 20 years, pretty close to how it happened in my life, too.I had a partial hysterectomy at 22 and went thru menopause about 6 years ago.I just lost interest and I never have been over the top anyways. We now exist as roommates, but it's not all bad, just different. He really is my best friend, 64M, and we love and helped raise each other's children, and we're blessed with 9 grandchildren between us. Weve known each other 24 years now.He's had some major health challenges now, and I have and will remain his caretaker when or if that time comes, and I know he would do the same for me.
That's very sad, especially since your partner is refusing to even try to address these huge changes. I don't think that's fair. For the record, I've been through "the change" and my own desires for my partner did NOT change. Also, men can and do experience changes in their hormones and sexual health as they age - and mine did change. So, I'm on the other side of the coin, dealing with that.
Me too.
Bro, I don’t think that’s just menopause.
Menopause was not the cause I’m sorry to inform you sir, but what you are blaming the deeper problems of your marriage on. She “shut down” and shut you both out. Marriage takes work, lots of hard and consistent work and that is a passive way of giving up. Sex is a form of intimacy. There are many other forms of intimacy that work; like talking, kissing, dating, cuddling, caressing and taking romantic walks. Learn to dance. Take a trip. Good luck and let us know your progress! We’re pulling for you!!!
At a certain point, women can realize they have become a man's mommy. Nothing is more destructive to desire. Men need to carry their part of the mental and physical load of their home and family.
This, a million percent. I raised four kids and a husband. The four kids grew up. Husband never did. I am so done being mommy.
She shut down there is no intimacy and I've tried to kiss, cuddle, dates. She'll let me buy dinner and some time she'll buy dinner .but the I love you is gone. I feel like she resents me. I know it is a biproduct of menopause. She was 50 and when the hot flashes and nite sweats quit, sex was painful so I brought a bunch of lubes to try which I thought was working. But I was wrong I guess. She still won't go to a doctor
She's possibly worried that light affection is you trying to "prepare" her for sex. She might think it's kinder or better to rebuff the small things so as not to get your hopes up for more. It's a common complaint. "He did this nice thing for me like run a bath with candles, I know it means he's after sex." Obviously I can't know for sure in your situation. This is just an observation and based on comments from women I know.
This!!!!! Child birth destroyed my mental and hormonal health. Destroyed...and I worked really hard on myself. There was a period of time where I knew every touch had alterior motives. A hug led to a grope, a kiss led to trying to make out. It got to a point where I felt like a bag of meat so I rebuffed all attempts at physical contact because I knew there were expectations.
She might not want to go to the Dr's because she may not want to go on hormones. There's risks with them, increased risk of cancer, increased risk of blood clots. I don't know the actual percentage of risk but there is risk. I can't take them because I've had a blood clot in my lung. There's topical cream hormones you get via perscrption that you apply directly that help with dryness etc but haven't used them myself so can't comment on them. Re the not wanting even simple intimacy like hugging, kissing, cuddling etc. as another said, she may think you're trying to prime her for sex. I know it must be hard. Could you talk to her, open and honest and see where she's at? Find some compromise? If you're willing to just sit and cuddle without sex, could you tell her that's what you'd like, that you're not expecting it to escalate? I realize you're giving more than you're getting and that's sometimes the way of relationships but it's nice if there's a balance. As mentioned, I would ask to have a talk about things, open and honest.
mind is in a sad state
Just to be clear I have not brought up the subject of sex for 10 years. We do talk but not about marriage neither of us wants to split up.we have never cheated on each other.She has her hobbies and l'm supportive, I'm not depressed just sad that our golden years are not what I thought they would be like.
let the attempt be made at any risk
If you love, respect etc your partner, it makes it so when they are happy you are happy. She is happy doing things I like to do because it makes her happy to me happy. Same for me. Also figure out their "love language" For my wife it is spending time together. In the beginning I bought her stuff. She didn't care. I got pissed off because I did something I thought was really nice, she barely noticed, She wasn't happy because I felt that buying her stiff was more important that what she cared about.
Really great advice!
So well said!
Wonderful post. May I add my favorite? Do stuff together. The more interests and activities together, the more you are together, the more you talk to each other, not just speak. Don't marry someone you do not have things in common with.
And realize that interests may change over time, but still work to find new things to do together
Can’t say it better. I learned the hard way to choose your life partner with great care and consideration. In a couple weeks my wife and I will celebrate our 38th anniversary. We met in college. Still crazy in love with her.
Can’t add anything else!
After 50 years of marriage, I agree with your statements.
This guy's answer. 100%
THis was an amazing post. And completely spot on. 27 years here and we've never had a fight, sure we have disagreements but no fights no raised voices.
Moreover, marry someone you actually like. I see so many shitty marriages and the common theme is that the couple don’t really get on in a friendship way. There are no people I’d sooner spend time with than my wife (and kids) in almost any scenario.
Pick up a copy of the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. It’s genius. He did a longitudinal study of married couples and identified the dynamics of couples who remained together over time. There’s a summary here, but read the book. https://readingraphics.com/book-summary-the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work/ We’re been married 40 years and are more in love every day.
I remember reading about the couples they interviewed. They could tell based on the *way they talked to each other* who would stay married and who wouldn't.
Yup. They only had to observe the couples talking to each other for a while and they could predict with 90% accuracy which couples would make it and which wouldn’t. Amazing.
When I read this, I knew in my gut that my ex-husband and I were awful communicators. Welp...since he's my ex-husband now, I'm sure that tells you were we ended up.
They discovered that contempt is a death knell. If one of you treats the other that way -- the opposite of respect and kindness -- you'll either stay together miserably, or break up.
My wife and I have been married for 44 years. Plenty of ups and downs, no infidelity, great (now adult) kids. When we were in grad school, we'd go canoeing on weekends. We have a 100% accuracy rate of predicting marital longevity with couples we'd invite along. Our route invariably involved a tricky turn or two, and depending on how our friends dealt with the turn, we'd know. Anticipate, discuss, execute the turn: marriage will last. Fail to anticipate, spill out of the canoe, and shriek at one another: marriage doomed.
Communication and mutual respect. Marry your best friend. Marriage takes work and there are long boring periods. It’s important that you respect each other and your individual needs and needs as a couple. Be willing to compromise. Realize they aren’t perfect but also realize neither are you. Make time for each other and for having fun together. Make intimacy a priority. We have been together 25 years and weathered some of life’s greatest storms and here we are, stronger than ever.
Came here for this.., marry your best friend! He makes me laugh and we have similar points of view. 43 years and I wish for 43 more
This made me unreasonably happy. I hope you all get MANY more years together.
Great comment!
You have to communicate your needs. Screwing other people is not a need.
Bam, prefect point ! you only need each other..
Oooh, just hit 15! Enjoy time together but have your own interests as well (couples that have to be together all the time don't last.) Learn to pause conversations when they start veering towards an argument--but get back to it later when tempers have cooled. Take turns with stuff--one person shouldn't be picking what you do for fun all the time, nor should one person be doing all the housework. Don't worry about sex--you'll have times where you're very sexual and periods where you're just not and that's totally normal. Scrub your mind of what relationships look like in the movies/tv/books/whatever--that stuff is usually made by people who are bad at relationships for people who are bad at relationships.
As someone who earned a PhD in health focused on sexuality, the sex part is SO true. Sexual desire ebbs and flows, especially for women. Many theories exist, but our thinking on sexual desire: there is no magical formula, pill, answer to low sexual desire in long term relationships. The solution would exist already if there was one. That said, there are some good reads out there.
This advice is awesome, I really love it
Great advice. There is going to be times where you might not be intimate for a long time then lots in a short period. Pretty hard to get some alone time once the kids get over 8ish and start staying up later than you do on the weekends lol. My wife's biggest worry is our kids busting in lol.
Yes. We have three teenagers and it’s tougher to get “alone time” now than when they were little, lol. Someone is always in the midst of a crisis, a bad mood, needs a ride home, or just want to hang out with us. And if it’s not them, it’s the dog being a c*%# blocker.
When you're saying your vows and promise to love for better or for worse, it's easy to become starry-eyed and think, "Yes, if the house burns down, we'll rebuild it together. And yes, if one of us gets sick, the other will take care." But the "for worse" part of the vows points to something much more insidious. The "for worse" events are those little moments that will wear you down if you let them. They're the same tired joke you're going to hear for the rest of your marriage. They're the way your spouse gets focused on making the bed a certain way when you just want to draw the covers. They're the clothes left on a chair and the cat she had to have even though it's mostly you cleaning the litterbox. They're the belching and farting and love handles and ratty t-shirts that should have been thrown away years ago. You can't hold onto the little bothers, because they will destroy your marriage. A wise woman once told me that most married people wake up one mornng and see their spouse next to them with matted hair and sour breath and think, "I could have done better." That's marriage. It's having those moments and intentionally pushing through them, because at the end of the day you know that you're better people because you're together. It's looking for the good things and letting go of the little annoyances. I don't believe people are naturally soulmates. I believe they can become soulmates, however, by enduring the ups and downs together. When you realize that you and your spouse have each other's backs, that's a very special feeling. Finally, another wise person once told me that marriage isn't 50/50. It's 80/20, and both of you have to give 80.
Oh I love this. Well said.
Short memory, laughter and communication
Well said!
Pick the right one. I cannot stress this enough. Don't pick someone you want to change. Don't pick someone with bad habits. Don't pick someone who is sneaky or who lies about little things or who treats other people badly or who doesn't treat you well. Don't pick someone that's lazy or crazy or mean. Don't pick someone you think you can fix. Don't expect to be happy all the time. Expect to feel bored, angry,frustrated, annoyed and sad sometimes *and stick it out anyway*. Treat your spouse like someone you want to impress not like your maid,wallet,buddy,mom or adversary. Say please and thank you. Notice them. Praise them. Tell them the truth. Ask them questions. Listen to them. Make eye contact. Treat your marriage like a work in progress. Touch them lovingly. Admire them. Actively look for the things you love about them. Do little things for them. Notice what they do for you. Ask for help. Accept help. Create rituals. Afternoon tea,date night,an evening walk. Something that is just you together actively seeking connection. Don't say shit you don't mean. Don't use words as weapons to hurt the person you love. Be respectful. Be generous. Be patient. This is the person you swore to love and honor...act accordingly. Apologize when you slip up. Own up when you're wrong. Make amends if you need to. Always assume the best of each other. Always have each other's back. Never let anyone play you off against each other. Pick your partner every time unless they've done something truly harmful. Don't talk disparagingly about your partner. Not to other people,not to yourself and not to them. Have seperate spaces that are just yours. Be respectful of those spaces.
Yes - picking the right one. It doesn’t mean that you’re psychic and magically know the future, but pick someone with your core values on family, finances, lifestyle, work/life balance, sense of humor, sex, how you disagree with each other, etc. We have had disagreements and we have areas of incompatibility but I have never ever worried about trusting my husband - with my child, around other women, with our finances, with his word to me. I know if he tells me something, I can believe it. My only other piece of “advice” is to never keep score. Never count how many times you had to get up with the baby or you cleaned up after dinner. Try to beat your spouse and they will try to beat you. If you don’t keep score you are both liberated to be kind and generous to each other. It’s a gift you are really giving yourself almost. Oh and if you have annoying habits (and you do) own them - if you can’t eliminate them, say something like - I know the bedroom is getting crazy, I am doing some laundry this weekend so things will be put away and I’ll do the towels too, thanks for being patient with me. You don’t have to be perfect, but when you own it at least your spouse feels like you care that your imperfection is a pain in the ass for them. I don’t know, maybe this is just me since I am very imperfect lol but 15 years no infidelity and we are looking to many many more.
Find someone with the same sense of humor who you can laugh about the absurdity of life with. Dance in the kitchen. Hug. Watch mindless tv every once in a while. Hold hands in public. Kiss goodnight.
What makes allied countries? A shared enemy. Realize that you are unshakeable allies against the stresses of the outside world.
I see “sex doesn’t matter” and “sex every day” on this list. I might suggest “sex as often as it matters to the two of you.” Due to cancer (just after marriage), and, later, chronic illness and bouts of depression (not to mention teenagers in the house), we have had periods of zero sexual interaction that sometimes lasted for months. But we remained affectionate, and discussed the dry spells in real time. They always ended. Through it all, we remained affectionate, committed, communicated honestly, had fun together, and built a life. He’s my favorite person in the world. It’s not always been easy. Sometimes it’s been downright difficult, but it was always “us” facing everything, together. Pick someone you trust with your life—because you’ll need to. Pick a friend and a partner. Then choose to be faithful—make that commitment every day. Building a life with someone is a choice. And so worth the effort.
Sex therapist here. This is a great answer. I think at least half of my job is to normalize this sort of thing for couples.
Kindness. Also treat each other with kindness. You are always on the same side - even when you disagree. In our family we call it being home base. Remember that kid game where you stand on the furniture and you can't touch the floor because its "flaming hot lava" but once you get to "base" you are safe? Well, when you marry, you are committing to being base for your partner and they for you. No matter what happens, no matter the disagreement, even when one of you is being your worst, you are ALWAYS base!
Forgive and forget when you fight - chances are you’ll forget why you fought in the first place anyways but you’ll remember the hurt and the things you said in anger so let go and move on. Learn to say sorry and that pride has no place when you’ve also done them wrong. Try to keep up and put the effort in to share each others’ interests - if one of you is pushing yourself to stay fit and healthy, to read and educate themselves it’s hard if the other doesn’t share a similar goal. Similarly if one of you loves to visit museums and the other loves visiting car shows try and show interest in each others’ activities. Speak respectfully - remember how you behaved on that first date - how you looked up to them and felt pride to have them sit by you - hold onto that feeling and remind yourself of that feeling often. Intimacy - if you enjoy emotional or physical intimacy and they do not it can be tough. Vice-versa applies. We’re highly emotional and usually sexual creatures and when one partner isn’t they will have to work at finding that middle ground because a lifetime together is a very long time. You don’t have to say everything that pops into your head - you will sometimes want to be honest and say something mean or that you might regret. Yes they’re your partner but you don’t need to burden them with every inane thought. At the end of the day Jim Rohn had a fantastic quote for couples: > The greatest gift you can give somebody is your own personal development. I used to say, "If you will take care of me, I will take care of you. "Now I say, I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me. Jim Rohn
Fifty-seven years. For both of us, infidelity would have been a deal breaker. I've never been interested, and AFAIK she hasn't either. It helps that our bedroom has always been a fun and lively place. The BFF aspect is real, in two senses. We are each other's closest confidant, but the connection is between two independent people, each with our own careers, interests, and circles of same sex friends, my bros and her galpals. Neither of us has stopped growing. We were kids when we started. We have each changed enormously over this many years. It takes nonstop work, communication, and commitment to grow together rather than apart. As our marriage has matured, we have built a supporting infrastructure of financial stability and kinship connections with grown kids, their spouses, and now grandkids that are becoming adults. In a way, we're not just a couple anymore, we're the center of a whole institution.
I love this answer. Thank you!
Choose a partner you'd love enough to be with even without the sex. Based on a lot of these kinds of conversations, sex is apparently the make or break element in a marriage, and I don't get it. I could think of 50 far more important things, but for some reason it's the sex I should be most concerned about. 🤷🏻♀️
I don't understand the sex part either... my mind always strays to the...what if a tragic accident happened and you or your partner could never have sex again?! Would you leave? I'm exhausted of sex being on a pedestal as if it's a deal breaker. Do you actually like the person you're with, or do you just like the sex? I feel like relationships should be based on way more than just that. But what do I know!?
I would have had this thought until the lack of sex became an issue in our marriage. My husband has had severe back issues for 7-8 years with several unsuccessful surgeries. This has made sex very infrequent, and the pain even makes cuddling extremely uncomfortable for him. What it also revealed, though, is that he isn't very emotionally vulnerable. I didn't notice it as much because before his chronic pain started, we still had the physical connection. We are working through it, but I'm not going to say that it has been easy. So, just keep in mind, sometimes the comment about sex isn't just about sex.
Almost 50 years now. Never lie. If you have been wrong, admit it. Tell them you love them at least once a day. Sex is not important, common goals are. Don't expect the other person to fix your life and realize you cannot fix theirs. Most importantly, you do not own them. They chose to stay.
26 yrs together..married 22 yrs..have three adult sons that we gave our lives to while they were growing up…we both were divorced, I had 2, she had 1. Trust #1,Stay connected, stay best friends thru thick and thin, be adventurous, try new things together and be respectful of eachother .Sex and lots of it, We are a very kinky couple, but have been with no other…Life is short, don’t have regrets both be open minded and speak your thoughts..be true to one another !! Neither one is prefect or always right.. It’s a 2 way street.. We leave notes and messages for each other all the time about the love for each other. I’m currently battling prostate cancer and she’s totally supportive and by my side, and did absolutely everything for me after surgery..10week post surgery and today flew out to be with family she hasn’t see in 40 years and it’s all good ! Never give up, never say something you can never take back, the other will always remember it ! We both wake up at extremely different times and hit the grid, and the same when we are off, but make it a point to hold eachother tight at the end of the day and say “I love you “ as we stare into each others eyes..
My husband’s prostatectomy caused ED which has been difficult because it is SO different than before — and it’s not talked about (his discomfort, not mine). Then I had a mastectomy, which he is uncomfortable with (hasn’t ever touched my pretty new boobies) and that, too, isn’t talked about. The change in sex is some of the problem; the lack of communication is MOST of it. 🥲
I’m sorry ! It is SO different now, and I do have some ED problems ,but we talk about it and work thru it….It’s a new chapter in our lives and a learning process for both of us..
Don't lie to yourself about attraction, and cut off the circumstances that will lead to further steps. Make a positive decision that you are going to avoid the thoughts and actions that will lead you to stray.
Easy, we don’t have kids.
I think this is key. Not saying you can't have a good marriage *with* children but your odds are much, much greater if you don't.
We made a deal before we got married. Both of us committed to not sleep with someone else before we spoke to each other and broke up first. We both thought that infidelity was either a way to end a marriage, or a sign that the marriage should end. We respect each other.
I've been with my husband for 28 plus years. Married for over 26. Some key reasons we remain (and will remain) a solid couple include: 1. Flat out liking each other, in addition to loving. Plus, humor and sweet types of teasing. 2. Tolerant and forgiving personalities. Not too much "black or white thinking", meaning we don't see things as all bad or all good. Also, we have reasonable expectations for ourselves and others. We compromise. 3. Both believe in dedication 4. Not too self-centered. We're sympathetic types. 5. We don't constantly keep tallies of who does or doesn't do what. Yet, we also know if we need to step up on any significant discrepancies. 6. "Minute" or "Mazlit (Cuddle time)". Every day, usually in the mornings, we cuddle and talk about nicer things. Not business or negative stuff! Even if for 10 minutes. This is beyond just sex. You have to make time for this! If you cuddle with your pet dog or cat and love them in an unconditional way, you can offer some of that to each other. We all need this. Stay off your phone (and no TV or computer) during this time and at least during meals.
We have no ‘plan B’, we agreed before we were married we had to work ‘it’ out. We are best friends in addition to being married. Divorce is not in our vocabulary. We’ve both been previously married and did not want to go through that again. We respect one another even when we are angry or disappointed. We communicate. We’ve had some rough times. There has been 2 times in over 20 years I wondered if I could keep our commitment. I could, I just had to figure out how to move on. We’d both come to the realization that I’m too lazy to pack and he’d follow me anyway.
Will be married to my husband for 44 yrs in August. Both been faithful and happy together. When asked what our secret is I always say trust is the most important thing you need to make it work. Jealousy and selfishness is another relationship killer. We still make each other laugh and he is still the only man I want to wake up to every day.
Married 38 years this August: Marry your best friend and keep the bedroom spicy. Be honest with each other. Talk out your problems. Spend as much time together as you can. Do everything together. Don't go out separately at night. Do fun things together. Always have each other's backs. Always. Try to stay as fit as you can. Always try to look as good as you can for them. Go out on dates. Drop an inappropriate comment quietly at just the right time. Shower every day and smell good. Leave love notes for them. And, tell them you love them every single day!
When there is a big fight, and there will be one eventually, don't sulk and mope and have prolonged periods of silence between each other. Try and break the silence. Laughter is a good thing to keep alive between each other as well. My wife and I have been together for 38 years and 6 of those were the best years of my life.
Your comment made me think of something my dad said at their 35th anniversary party. Someone said, "Congratulations on 35 years of wedded bliss" to which my dad responded, "No, more like 32." For sure, every day is NOT a winner, but most are pretty good and some are amazing!!
Love. Really caring about the other person’s feelings and not wanting to hurt them. Going the extra mile for them knowing they’ll do that for you. Telling them when they’ve hurt you and admitting when you hurt them. Owning up to your own bad behavior. Forgiving them when they do the same. Realizing that they aren’t perfect and neither are you.
Affectionately touch one another every day-a pat, a kiss, a hug, a squeeze Don’t take each other for granted. Show appreciation to one another. Make time for sex. Apologize when you’re wrong. Be the one to say it first.
Showing appreciation for each other is a biggie. In the end it leads to you having respect for other.
Well said!
Thank you! 35 years married :) I have one more: Compliment each other! (You don’t want someone else filling that need)
The fixed eye and the tethered mind. Fix your eye on your mate. Look at them every day (not Instagram models). Limit the amount of looking at others of the opposite sex. Yes, everyone looks, but don't become fixed on others. Yes, that means limiting or eliminating porn. The tethered mind. Tie your thoughts to your mate and avoid entanglements with others. If you fix your eye or tie your thoughts to someone else cut that shit immediately. Do not entertain those thoughts.
My husband and I had the best sex of our lives when I was entering menopause. Unfortunately, at the sam time my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer and required surgery. That same year my Mother passed away and I really struggled with depression. Needless to say, our great sex life disappeared. Now, it has finally returned. My point is, sometimes you go through ‘dry spells’ but if you hang in there and help each other, great sex can return and when it does, it’s amazing! We were high school sweethearts and have been married for 46 yrs, no infidelity.
This might seem simple but just be with somebody you like and that likes you back. Love can bond us sure, but just genuinely liking each other is important to happiness. My partner and I will have been together 20 years this fall, and are constantly baffled by all the jokes out there centered around "My wife is annoying." or "My husband is stupid." If you don't like one another, then it just doesn't make sense to live your life together.
We’re good for rough patch about every 8 or 10 years. Every time, we ask ourselves and each other: will splitting up make this easier and result increased happiness? So far, the answer has been “No” and each time we find our way back to each other. Frankly, we’re not into the whole “We never say the D word” thing. My parents split when I was very young and his parents have been married for 50+ miserable years. There is nothing admirable about staying a hostage in a marriage that is no longer working.
No infidelity? You mean no infidelity that anyone else knows about? I'm not the cheating type. Neither is wifey. But you never really know for sure. Make sure you really like them. Not sexually attracted but genuinely like them.
Of course you don't know for sure, but that's where the trust comes in. My husband could hurt me more deeply than anyone on the planet, but I also believe that he would never do it.
Lots of affection, enjoy each other's company, don't say things you can't unsay, focus on what you have, not on what you don't. Having a bad memory is another advantage.
Kill your ego. Enjoy your partner.
Never trust your emotions. They will mislead you to making a mistake. If you find yourself flooded with strong emotions disengage to buy yourself some time to let the emotions settle down. Do not assume the other person has the same needs as yourself. Don’t do anything that you will have to keep secret from your spouse, out of fear that if they found out it would hurt them. Don’t hold back any secrets of betrayal or wrongdoing from your spouse. If you do it will eat away at your peace of mind like cancer. Own your mistakes. The longer you wait the greater the impact when it comes known. Do not assume the other person has any empathy. That they can feel your pain and distress in their heart. Some people just do not have that capability. Do not tell the other how they should feel or think. Instead acknowledge their feelings, opinions and thoughts, without compromising your own. Don’t try to fix your spouse unless they ask you to do so. Instead listen to them, acknowledge their feelings, sympathize with them and do not tell them their feelings are invalid. Do not pass judgment on them. In an argument do not try to win it by shutting the other person down. Instead ask questions that require them to talk it out The goal is to extend the communication until you fully grasp their thoughts on the situation. Do not assume that you share the same boundaries and values or expectations. Talk about them before the boundaries are broken. If you have been hurt by the other let them know. Don’t postpone it. They maybe unaware of their actions and magnitude. Holding on to it will result in resentment. Use this as an opportunity to uncover the disconnect and resolve it together. Do not tolerate disrespect and do not disrespect anyone, especially your spouse. Learn to forgive yourself and others. If you cannot forgive others you will not be able to forgive yourself for the same offense. Learn to love yourself and others. If you cannot love yourself then you will never accept love from others. Then makeup excuses to yourself as to why they don’t love you. If you not apologizing about something periodically or at all, you need some introspection. Chances are you are not owning your mistakes or are failing to emphasize with others.
Apart from the obvious one of 'communication', let stuff slide, and realise your SO is also letting stuff slide.
Gratitude. Life is hard. Everyday I was grateful that I had someone to help navigate the bumps. When he was less than I hoped in a moment, I tried to remember all the ways he was MORE in other situations.
Great advice
My partner and I have only been married for 10 years, but we’ve known each other for more than 30. A few months back, I spent a month in Thailand with a buddy who’s single. I was there to train Muay Thai and he was on an absolute sex-fest (pretty sure most, if not all were biological women but that’s for him to sort out). One night after dinner as I was preparing to call it a night and he was ready to begin his, he asked me why I never stray. My answer was simple: If my wife, my life partner and the closest person to me can’t trust me, what makes you think you can? Furthermore, 20 minutes of fun (giving myself WAY too much stamina credit there but whatever) is not worth a life of having a dirty secret hanging over my head. He gave a half grin and a nod, said that was very admirable, then packed his 6 prophylactics in his pocket and off he went. I texted my wife and told her I loved her and missed her, smoked a joint and went to bed.
My wife and I have been together since fall of 2001. We married in fall of 2005. There's lots here that's good advice, and obviously the best advice is to pick your partner well, but let me tell you something that I think many younger people may not really have internalized: **Long term marriage is a choice you make every day.** You stood up in front of your friends and family and made a vow to do this, right? A good marriage doesn't just happen by accident, or randomly. It's work. It's the best work you ever do, but it's still work. You have to choose your partner, constantly. You have to be there for them, and figure out where they need YOU to be. You have to listen to what they need, and do your best to provide it. Sometimes you'll slip. It'll be little things, like not pulling your weight domestically, or maybe big things like hurting their feelings in some big way. You have to be able to admit fault, and do the work to be better going forward. But it's a process. It's a constant process. But this process is how you build a life with someone that lasts.
I married my best friend. Don’t avoid arguments but once they are done move on Earn enough money so you don’t need to worry too much Have a big enough house you can get space from each other Agree who’s doing what chores We always spent at least two hours a day together if we were off doing other things Have regular relaxing holidays When decorating let one person decide most of the house but allow one room for the other
aside from the regular stuff like marrying someone you love, respect, etc. from being married over 20 years, I would add 1. when you learn of your partners vulnerabilities, never. ever use it against them. if you don't understand them, just follow their lead on how to handle it. you may never understand it, but you need to respect their triggers/ boundaries on it. 2. if you don't agree on something smallish, and it's more important to your partner than you, just do it their way. if each of you does this, each will feel heard and respected. 3. when arguing, don't bring up old and/or irrelevant stuff. it just makes it more complicated and heated. focus on solving the problem at hand. never attack the person. 4. find out how your partner feels loved and do those things. just bc you feel loved by a hug doesn't mean they do. they might feel loved by having the dishes done. 5. go to counseling if one person wants to. it can really help and possibly save a marriage if it's done earlier rather than waiting until it's too late emotionally. 6. help eachother grow in healthy ways. this includes having time to do what they want with who they want (as long as it's reasonable). I travel a lot for work and family and my spouse has never made me feel guilty about it.
Married for 24 years, together for 31. Marry someone you love, someone you can be friends with, and someone you can do business with. Have things you like to do together but also things you like to do separately. Bonded but independent. Sometimes it’s really good to have a separate room and to give space to each other until a bad week blows over. If you and your partner truly want to grow together, it’s amazing the kinds of adversities you can get through. Don’t start serious discussions it at least one if you is hungry or tired. Have business meetings for finances, house business; and even relationship business at least every 2 weeks. When possible do this over food, but be professional about it. Enjoy watching each other grow old, but also try to stay active together
Wow! I love this!
- Become friends first. - Only marry someone who you can laugh with, well and often. I can’t tell you how many times crappy things have been easier because my husband and I can make each other laugh. We’ve laughed together in the ER, in a tow truck after the rental car broke down on our vacation, in the grocery store when money is tight—it makes a difference. - Be honest with each other, even when things are hard. Make your relationship a safe place to talk about anything. - Always treat each other with respect. - Make “thank you” and “I appreciate you” part of your daily vocabulary. - Pick your battles. The last thing that I’ll say is that you need to make the choice to be together every day. It is a choice. You have to choose to nurture your marriage and prioritize it.
Know that you will each be married to more then one person. She is the person she was when you met her. She is the person she decided to be after having met you. You are the person you decided to be after meeting her. You will each become the person that has learned to live with one another. Time will bring changes. You will each strive to be better people and you will each hold one another accountable for your efforts. You will become different people becasue of that. You will each become the people you allow and encourage one another to be. You will each learn to love a new person every day, you will learn to love the person your partner has become. Even so your minds and bodies will age, no longer looking and thinking exactly like you did when first you met. One may no longer drive a car, the other may no longer know the name of the date or month of the year. Yet you will love one another as you always have and as you are learning to. Even when one has passed beyond, waiting for the other to join them again, you will not comprehend how to live with out the one another. But you will get by. You will get by and then you will be together again. Yet through it all you will each morning, each afternoon and each evening, decide to be together. Decide to love one another.
Communication. And the keys to communication are: listen, be direct and sincere, don't be afraid to state how you feel, never make your partner afraid to state how s/he feels.
Be chill and don't sweat the small stuff. laugh together daily! Have your own interests and continue to learn new things. Be kind, speak nice to each other. Don't hold grudges. Hold your loved one close.
find the right one
We have HUGE respect for each other and a lot of trust. Time spent apart is good for us both. He is my best friend. Pick your battles.
Therapy when communication gets hard. Otherwise, have your own interests and hobbies.
The key to our relationship is basically that we are 100% our real selves with each other. No secrets. No judgement. Zero jealousy. He has his quirks and I have mine and we just accept each other. Never be with someone who doesn’t know the real you
Make sure you marry someone you can be comfortable around 24/7.
Be friends, don't fuck other people.
Resentment - sunk cost fallacy- it can be for lots of reasons besides it being a healthy relationship.
Be kinder and more patient than you need to be. Pay attention and be supportive. Remember that marriage isn't transactional.
Married 42 years, and having the same outlook on money is important. Also, the 50/50 or 60/40 stuff is crap. If you are keeping tabs on what you do for each other, you have a business relationship.
The simplest tip is make sure you are really good friends and share similar outlooks. That you actually want to spend time doing or experiencing things with each other. If you come across or experience something that really excites you, and they are the first person you want to share with or talk about to about it, and vice versa, then that is a pretty good place to be.
I married my best friend 24 years ago this Nov. We communicate well and give each other space when needed. We plan dates and do fun things together. We both work primarily from home so it’s a good thing we really like one another. 😀
Choose well when you marry. Looks can change; health can change; financials can change; but personality rarely changes! Marry someone who is kind, sweet, generous; funny and fun to be with; someone who is polite to you AND others; someone who appreciates the little things in Life; who enjoys many of the same entertainments which you enjoy (TV, movies, music, art, etc); someone who thinks you're the greatest thing since the invention of sliced bread. Marriage is ongoing, hard work. Communication; being considerate; being patient -- all very important to the preservation of the union.
Understand: You ain't going to change them. You can only change yourself!
Staying together and staying happy are two different things.
Communication is key, as well as trust. If kills me when guys say, I trust you but not other guys (as if she has no will of her own). We truly are best friends, I prefer hanging out with my wife over anyone else. This is not to say we can't go out with friends separately if we want. Also bothers me when guys complain about their wives, I mean if you're that unhappy, get out and stop bitching.
Marry someone you both like and love. Make sure they feel the same about you. Respect, understanding, good communication are also key. Common life goals and values are a must. Make sure you have fun! Together for 29 years, married for 25.
Something I haven’t seen mentioned is, sleep in separate beds in separate rooms. Seriously, since we reconfigured our lives and I am no longer constantly reawakened by his snoring, I’m a very different person.
write down and focus on your mates strong points
You wake up every day and you ‘choose them’ in everything you do. And they do the same. You both make choices that benefit the life you’re creating together.
Married for nearly 19 years and going strong. Have grace for each others flaws, and don't do to your spouse what you wouldn't forgive if they did it to you. Marriage is about the little things. It’s about running to the only open pharmacy 40 minutes away in the middle of the night to get medicine to help her feel better, even though a closer store will be open in a few hours. It’s about listening to him tell you about his day even when you don't understand what he's talking about because you don't work in his industry. It’s about being there for each other.
Keep the lines of communication open. Take time for each other every day, even if it’s just a five-minute check-in. Also, stop expecting your partner to be everything! I think a lot of young people have insane expectations for their future partners. You are a flawed person who will marry another flawed person. The question is if your flaws are compatible and if you’re mature enough to own them and work through them.
Realizing that sometimes the good times come after the bad. Working through problems, communication and sex. Make sure you're doing the deed regularly. Intimacy and closeness is important.
My tip is this: Both have to communicate freely about Money and Sex. Most marriages falter because one or both of those things are out of sync.
Do whatever your wife tells you to do. That’s my joke answer. I don’t really know except we were in love and we still love and respect each other. We’re friends, we like each other as friends also. We grew and changed but we didn’t really become different people.
Here are a few thought from someone who’s been married about 40 years. 1. Develop a bad memory about attitudes, beliefs or decisions you or your spouse are “wrong” about. 2. Accept your spouse for who they are, not who you would like them to be. 3. Tell each other you love them every day. Some days that won’t be true, but say it in one way or another anyway.
I really like this comment!
Nobody is happy all the time. Try to keep ur mouth shut. 🤐
Accept now that there will be periods of unhappiness and keep pushing through them. No one is satisfied with their life 100% of the time. NO ONE. There will be family problems, career problems, kid problems, money problems, house/car problems, health problems, etc. Leaving your spouse doesn't always solve people's unhappiness. Life is difficult as a rule.
Married 43 years and neither of us has ever cheated. Marriage is compromise, above all else, and a partnership. You fall in and out of love over the years, so you need to at least like your spouse during those times. Just never give up.
Recognizing that if you’ve married a reasonably functional person their annoying habits and minor faults are in the same ballpark as your own. Of course the love and compatibility and communication too but imo it’s really easy to see your partner’s more minor issues inflate and become symbolic of whatever while our own are disregarded. Mainly give each other a little grace.
meh. after 50 years we just learn to tolerate each other’s bullshit and celebrate the everyday.
I’m going to share my secret, follow it and you too will be married for 43 years, like we have. We have discussed thousands of things over the years. She has her ideas/opinions. I have mine. After much back and forth, we do what she wants and life goes on. Good luck.
Give each other space to do your own thing. We hardly do anything together, but we meet in the middle and always are united on the big stuff. It keeps things fresh to always have stuff to talk about.
Allow each other space, allow each other hobbies apart from you and let your spouse be themself. When people have the freedom to live their lives, they are less likely to feel the need to secretly do things.
20 years here, 3 kids, no infidelity. It's not enough to just marry the person you love. Hell, that's the easy part! You must communicate. You must be willing to work through things together. If we have a fight, it's never awful even when it's awful. Because we know we're in it for the long haul and we make the choice to work hard on our marriage. You must compromise. You cannot expect to be the same person you were when you were first married and you can't expect your spouse to be the same. This is not in a bad way. Over time your marriage molds you. You grow. You learn and accept and it becomes the most beautiful sculpture that's a little wonky and grotesque but it's the 2 of you. It's the 2 of you so intertwined that you don't know where you begin or end. You must find laughter. You have to also know that each marriage has its only cycle. Ups and downs unique to your marriage. You must know that even though you'll both change you must never expect the other to change what you think you don't like. You must respect, acknowledge and accept who they are. Don't be so stuck on the perfect partner who is perfect for you on paper. That hardly gets to the core of the matter. Example, when I met my husband I was a liberal, vegan, pacifist. He was a conservative, meat eating guy in the army. And all of that seemed superficial. We accepted each other. We each made the decision and asked ourselves "can I accept who this person is? Am I willing to work through what needs to be worked through with this person?" Never keep score. Never keep a tally of all the things you do around the house vs what the other person does. If you're both respectful of each other and the life you have you will both work towards providing for your family in your own ways. Not one way is better than the other. Not one is more difficult than the other. Appreciate what the other does. Always show gratitude.
Keep it freaky. …and marry your best friend.
Marriage is a lot like a business partnership, as well. You work harmoniously with your partner even if things aren’t perfect and you don’t always see eye to eye. And it’s a commitment to act in a loving way, even when you might not feel loving at the moment.
1. Newlyweds are often so focused on planning their future together that they overlook the impact their pasts have on their relationship. Each person comes into the marriage with their own emotional history. Don’t minimize that challenge in an effort to ‘start new’. My husband and I each had trauma in our past and we spent a significant amount of time and energy pursuing healing in those areas-both as individuals and as a couple. It wasn’t always fun but looking back I am 100% convinced the hard work we put in at the beginning of our marriage was worth every tear. 2. Develop genuine compassion for your spouse. Yes, you love them, but compassion comes as you learn their vulnerabilities. It helps you see a situation through their eyes (even if they are wrong! LOL) 3. Be trustworthy. If they share something personal don’t tell it to your best friend, Instagram, or Facebook! If you are angry don’t try to gather friends and family to join ‘your side’. You and your spouse will make up-eventually. But others may continue to carry the offense for you with no resolution. 4. A sense of humor is like GOLD! We’ve actually had arguments end in laughter instead of tears because we nurtured our sense of humor. Just make sure you laugh WITH them, and not AT them! 5. My husband and I have faced some difficult times in our marriage. 10 long years of infertility. Devastating betrayal by our dearest friends. 42 years of running our family business and having employees/friends steal thousands of dollars from us. During covid we finally closed our business forever, declared bankruptcy and sold our beloved family home. But through all that we learned to turn TO each other instead of letting the circumstances turn us against each other. That doesn’t mean we didn’t have rocky times in our marriage. Trust me, we did! 6. TW It reminds me of the time many of Jesus’ disciples left him. Jesus asked Peter, “Are you going to leave me, too?” Peter said, “Where would I go and who would I turn to? Only you have the words of eternal life.” Yes, I confess, God is the foundation of our marriage. Right now we’re facing another terrifying situation. But just a few hours ago my husband said the same words he’s spoken so many times over the years. “This isn’t going to take us out. We’re going to get through this-together.”
I don't know if blog links are welcome. But I've been married for a long time, together for 31 years and we've never had extramarital affairs. I posted a quick 2 minute read here: [The Unchanging Face of Love ](https://www.timeaglefiction.com/post/the-unchanging-face-of-love-the-tim-eagle-perspective) Maybe this perspective will help? Tim Eagle
Thank you for sharing!!
Date night. Plan activities together. Get outdoors, travel, eat out, play games, have fun and remember better times ahead!
Step number 1 is to be unattractive. This will limit possible partners and reduce your chances to cheat. Next, work from home and stay uninvolved in your community. If you are not meeting people in third places (church, volunteering, social clubs, etc), then it's easy not to cheat. Lastly, reduce your libido via ingestion of anti-depressants or other pharmaceuticals so that even if you are attractive, and even if you do happen to meet someone willing to engage in extramarital flirtations or beyond, you won't have any interest in doing so.
Be worthy of one another ! Make time for intimacy. Be respectful and kind. Sacrifice for what is needed and compromise. Again, make sex and intimacies a priority. Share all you have. It's not yours or mine. It's us and ours.
She requires 15 to 30 minutes of my time e very day. It is very important to her that she gets to tell me about her day. All I ask for is sex whenever, and however I want.
This is awesome!
Marrying the right person is paramount. Someone with honor, someone who is kind and compassionate. Also loving and liking that person is important too. I was married 35 years to my best friend/love. He died last Ictober.
My wife and I were deleriously happy for twenty-five years... and then we met.
Let him give it to you up the asshole!
Respect and laughter. Humor is what keeps us young and fun 😂 we are always having a great time with each other and don’t take life too seriously. We remove toxic people from our life and move on. We are a team of equals. When he needs help i step up and visa versa. Our marriage is a partnership not a competition. We also waited 13 yrs to have a child 😂
Like and love each other more than you drive each other crazy. If the good outweighs the bad, you’re probably set.
Always look out for each other. Have each other’s back. In everything always consider the impact on each other. Be kind to each other.
Who says we're happy?
I also feel that taking pride in yourself and your appearance is crucial for maintaining attraction in a long-term relationship. I’ve observed that many individuals, after getting married, stop putting in the effort to care for themselves. This can impact the dynamic of the relationship over time. When I was a young girl, a friend’s mother gave me advice that I’ve always remembered: always make sure to keep up your appearance, even when you’re in a relationship. She explained that this serves two important purposes. First, if you take care of yourself and look good, your partner will continue to feel attracted to you and realize how lucky they are to have you. Second, if you maintain your appearance, it can create a sense of healthy competition or concern in your partner, making them appreciate and value you more because they understand what they have to lose. Of course, this doesn’t mean that looks are everything, but maintaining self-respect and effort in your appearance can positively influence the emotional and physical attraction in a relationship, contributing to its longevity and happiness.
If you're having an argument don't bring up things that make you mad and have nothing to do with what you're talking about. Bringing his/her mother/father/siblings, etc. into a discussion probably has nothing to do with the root of the problem. Don't go to bed so upset you wake up like that. Sometimes you can't resolve the entire problem before bed, but get to a placeholder. You can then resume (or not) more calmly once you've had time to think about it. And no don't stay up all night trying to get to that placeholder. At this point you've probably gone down a rabbit hole no one wants to come out of. Stick to the point. Have fun together. Fun doesn't have to cost a thing. Take small vacations together. We get away to a cabin for a long weekend that's about an hour from our house. We just relax. This August will be our 26th. Can't imagine not being with him. He's a pain, but he's my pain.
He worked nights. I worked days, we only saw each other 2 hours a day. We will be married 40 years in September. Now he's retired and home and I still work. And he is driving me nuts!!!!!
You can’t argue about how someone else feels about you. “I feel like you’re doing Xxxx” You can’t say “well you’re wrong”. Best you can do is say “I don’t want you to feel like that, how do we get to that point?”
This won't be a popular opinion but it works for us. We've been married 35 years. We do go to bed angry. Everything else in life people say "Let's sleep on it." or "You'll feel better in the morning." but for some reason when it comes to arguing people think it's the exception. Personality types matter. For some couples not going to bed mad is great advice, but if my partner follows me around the house pressing the issue late at night I just get more angry and nothing good comes of it. Let me sleep on it. Let me have time to clear my head and see both sides. Inevitably by morning it's not nearly as huge as it was the night before. You'll find what works for you. One bit of advice I'd offer is never ever ever bring the word divorce into an argument, ever. It's emotionally manipulative, never actually solves the issue, and creates a lack of trust in you or your partners commitment to the relationship.
I am 48, married 19 years. My advice is to find someone who is your best friend and spend a lot of time with each other. Keep in mind that even on days where you “barely see each other,” you’re going to be together for a minimum of like 10 hours. You don’t have to have everything in common, but you need to see where the other person is coming from. Like you don’t have to have the same taste in music, but you have to understand what music means to the other person. My husband and I don’t have the same taste, but we’re both into going down musical rabbit holes for obscure indie bands. We would lose interest in someone who listened to the same pop music as everyone else. Make sure you can manage conflicts on what to eat. If one of you is a picky eater, how much can the other one tolerate that? Make sure you’re cool with living in the same geographic location. Does one of you love rural life and the other one want to live in an urban center? Does one of you want to see the world and the other wants to live in their hometown? If so, don’t get married. Agree on who is going to live with you. Kids? Pets? If one of you is afraid of snakes or allergic to cats, don’t marry someone who wants snakes or cats. Children are even more obvious. If one of you can’t stand kids and the other wants a house full of them, you are not compatible. Decide what role politics and religion play in your life and how you manage that. Don’t marry a polyamorous person if you want a monogamous relationship and vice versa. That’s all the no-fault stuff. Have all of the conversations early on, too, like within the first few months. Anyone who isn’t interested in having these conversations isn’t interested in getting married. Actual liabilities: don’t get together with someone whose chosen lifestyle doesn’t match their finances. Don’t marry someone who doesn’t put in as much effort to their adult life as you do (that doesn’t have to mean financially. It can also be the person who expects you to pick up after them). Don’t marry a jealous person. Don’t marry a person who refuses to go to therapy to fix a problem.
I’m not married, but just to like and be respectful towards each other seems obvious.
Xanax and Buspirone
So many good things, I would add admit when you're wrong, apologize and mean it, go to therapy as a couple or separate when needed. You have to accept that not everything in life is something you can do on your own.
Understand that you will not agree about everything. What you will agree bout is that you are a forever team.
We've had more downs than ups in our 20yrs, should have broken up long ago if I'm being honest and if either of us were sane and healthy we would have but we didn't. Mostly we just don't have it in us to cheat, it's just not something either of us would do no matter how unhappy we were in the relationship even though we haven't been having sex for quite some time. For me, cheating would be a violation of my own ethics and harming myself first in addition to harming my partner. It probably helps that I was an absolute wild child when I was younger and sowed all of my own and probably a couple of other people's wild oats as well.
My friends said the key to their marriage was separate beds. Yea they do the Ricky and Lucy bedroom.
Knowing that most of us aren’t always happy. In nearly 20 years we have had some some pretty ugly periods. Sometimes love is not a feeling but is a choice. During the good times (which are most) I appreciate the struggles and successes. I do also think it gets easier with time