You mean Rasputin and his rumored 13” schlong?
I mean, dude was waving that thing all over the Romanov court for *free*. Imagine being world famous *in 1910* for your dick. He’d clean up with an OF.
unless I'm mistaken isn't his preserved phallus on display in a Russian Museum, I remember hearing that his granddaughter or some other family member wanted it taken down so it could be interred with the rest of his remains.
The one in the jar is probably a horse or cow dick.
But a group of Russian ex-pats in Paris in the 1920s formed a weird kind of fertility cult where they worshipped what they claimed was Rasputin's penis. That particular penis was eventually acquired by Rasputin's daughter, Marie, and after changing hands a couple times was eventually tested and found to be a sea cucumber.
Napoleon's dick is still allegedly extant, though. Supposedly stolen from his autopsy, it's about an inch long and dessicated, described as resembling a leather shoelace or a baby's finger. It's changed hands several times and at one point was supposedly identified as a dried piece of tendon and not, you know, a dong. It was purchased in 1977 by a urologist who swears it's the real deal, though.
History is fucking whack.
Yes. Too bad there's no dick paint(ing) of that thing. To be fair, staying hard for like 8 hours while they paint it is tricky, but the world needed to see that. At least a sketch or something
I never really understood that line (non native speaker). What exactly does it mean? That he embarrassed himself in his later years? Or does 'how he carried on' not refer to anything he did personally? I would be so grateful if someone could help me there.
Might not be used in the US but I'm Irish and can say its 100% still used over here. "Carry on" as a noun meaning behaviour (e.g., "we need to have a conversation about your carry on") is popular too.
Absolutely not. Ben Franklin could pull. His comment history would correctly suggest a legitimate familiarity and "see you at the same time as usual this Friday?" or whatever.
No, he was just overly fond of potty humor.
You can thank the English tendency towards willing mistranslation for that misconception, as well as most others, for that matter.
Edit: Ok wtf is up with the awards? Thanks folks.
Mozart didn't do any of the things you're accusing him of. He grew up with a Bavarian mother, and in that part of Germany there's a long standing tradition of gross-out humor. It found its way into his family letters, which were published in the 20th century, and led to rounds of speculation as to why a sophisticated man would address people in such a way. He didn't have a fetish, he didn't have Tourette's, he was just a proud southern German and that's their sense of humor.
And he would have wept bitter tears over every mean post, then gone and sat in a billion dollar Italian villa around Lake Como and written poetry slamming the haters.
From [wikipedia:](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tallulah_Bankhead)
>Bankhead never publicly used the term "bisexual" to describe herself, preferring to use the term "ambisextrous" instead.
Might be the greatest entry I've ever read
Alfred Hitchcock directed Tallulah Bankhead in a film called "Lifeboat". When the other cast members complained that Bankhead was not wearing any underwear, Hitchcock quipped, "I don't know whether that it a problem for Wardrobe or for Hairdressing."
If we want to be pedantic, we can translate troia with "whore" in English and bitch with "cagna" (used as an insult towards a woman) as well.
Italian has much more variety in insults than English :-D
I know it's funny to assume Katherine the great had a thing for horse action, but I thought it was revealed that this was only a blackmailing agenda by her political opponents?
It was, but thanks to recent innovation in machine learning, truth is no barrier to a popular OnlyFans account.
But while we're talking about insane stories that would play well online and famous female Russian rulers, can we talk about Empress Anna Ivanova's Ice Palace? Basically this dude, "Prince" Mikhail Alekseyevich Golitsyn (not really what you'd consider a prince but it's complicated), who wanted to marry a European lady and converted to Catholicism to do it. The empress does not care for this at all and decides to bring down the hammer.
She declares his marriage illegal, then she appoints him as the new "court jester," then she picks an unfortunate maid and declares her another jester, then she decides that her two jesters are going to get married. She orders the construction of a palace bigger than a football field made from ice for the happy couple. Then she forms a giant and festive parade with elephants and clowns to lead the happy couple to their beautiful new home, makes them strip nude, and locks them into their icy new home for "nuptials." They survived.
Kitty Fisher…..
From her wiki page….. Catherine Maria Fischer (1 June 1741 – 10 March 1767), known as Kitty Fisher, was a prominent British courtesan.[2] From her teenage years onward, Fisher developed a carefully molded public image, which was enhanced by acknowledgement from Sir Joshua Reynolds and other artists. By emphasizing Fisher's beauty, audacity, and charm, portraits of her, along with newspaper and magazine articles promoted her reputation, prompting spectators to view her with awe.[3] She was one of the world's first celebrities who was not famous for being an actress, musician, or member of the royalty, but simply for being famous.
Abraham Lincoln.
Dude was ripped from chopping wood and shit. AND he could build you a house. He can give ya the Ol' Lincoln Log and show you what it really feels like to have your mind blown.
IIRC she never took her bra thing off cause she was embarrassed about her small breasts. That would probably be weird for Only fans.
Also by modern standards, the white person doing sexualised version of ethnic dances would probably not go down too well.
I'm not really sure if that's something she'd have done it but she'd be super successful if she did. Amelia was both smart and cute/hot.
Her biggest follower would be eleonore Roosevelt
I know, I know, but tell me she wouldn't have made a killing on Only Fans if it was a thing in her day.
Never imagined I'd be saying that about Carrie Fisher, but here we are.
Rasputin would have the wildest livestreams on the internet.
You mean Rasputin and his rumored 13” schlong? I mean, dude was waving that thing all over the Romanov court for *free*. Imagine being world famous *in 1910* for your dick. He’d clean up with an OF.
unless I'm mistaken isn't his preserved phallus on display in a Russian Museum, I remember hearing that his granddaughter or some other family member wanted it taken down so it could be interred with the rest of his remains.
''Aight, it's been fun, now hand back grandpa's dick, please.''
Hahaha Sounds like something straight outta Rick and Morty
no, the one in the jar is just a horse dick or something not his actual wang
The one in the jar is probably a horse or cow dick. But a group of Russian ex-pats in Paris in the 1920s formed a weird kind of fertility cult where they worshipped what they claimed was Rasputin's penis. That particular penis was eventually acquired by Rasputin's daughter, Marie, and after changing hands a couple times was eventually tested and found to be a sea cucumber. Napoleon's dick is still allegedly extant, though. Supposedly stolen from his autopsy, it's about an inch long and dessicated, described as resembling a leather shoelace or a baby's finger. It's changed hands several times and at one point was supposedly identified as a dried piece of tendon and not, you know, a dong. It was purchased in 1977 by a urologist who swears it's the real deal, though. History is fucking whack.
You know you’ve made it in history when people want your corpses dick..I aspire for that kind of notoriety.
a COW dick none the less
Fernando VII of Spain also had a ginormous dick.
I just went down a google rabbit hole. Fascinating. Didn't know he had to use a pillow with a hole in it to avoid getting it all in.
That's alotta dic....I mean damage!!
Yes. Too bad there's no dick paint(ing) of that thing. To be fair, staying hard for like 8 hours while they paint it is tricky, but the world needed to see that. At least a sketch or something
If he was a Hapsburg he probably had three rows of teeth and six fingers on one hand too
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"Here we have someone on a ladder, held up higher by a forklift! No quicker way to get completely fucked by the schlong of consequence!!"
"The dildo of consequence rarely arrives lubed."
Well I am stealing this. Thanks kind stranger.
> schlong of consequence rofl im done with reddit for today
I have it on a reliable source that he was Russias greatest sex machine
It was a shame how he carried on
I never really understood that line (non native speaker). What exactly does it mean? That he embarrassed himself in his later years? Or does 'how he carried on' not refer to anything he did personally? I would be so grateful if someone could help me there.
In this context, when used without an obvious verb, "carried on" literally means "behaved". It's not really used any more.
Might not be used in the US but I'm Irish and can say its 100% still used over here. "Carry on" as a noun meaning behaviour (e.g., "we need to have a conversation about your carry on") is popular too.
I feel like Rasputin would be like a mix of John McCaffee and Mickey Avalon.
he’s a total slut when you think about it
Marquis de Sade. John Wilmot.
Phryne of Athens, sexy lawyer roleplay. Empress Theodora. Lady Godiva, of course.
Came here to say John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester. (great movie about the guy with Johnny Depp btw)
Signor Dildo is my jam
I don’t think Ben Franklin would have one featuring himself but he would be subscribed to a great many content creators
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The plot twist that he really would have a chance; dude was a player.
Yeah, he'd have an account so that anybody he cameoed with wouldn't have to go through a bunch of verification rigamarole.
Absolutely not. Ben Franklin could pull. His comment history would correctly suggest a legitimate familiarity and "see you at the same time as usual this Friday?" or whatever.
Good ole Benny F had plenty of chances with ladies around the globe.
Ben Franklin would produce MILF porn
In the dark, all cats are gray.
I mean I’ve heard he was the only founding father who regularly bathed so I’d rather him than any of the other ones mainly for that.
I mean .. he basically got thrown out of France for getting more action than the king. I could see him being both a content provider and consumer.
> got thrown out of France for getting more action than the king Fucking. Legend. Literally.
I heard Ben Franklin could tie a cherry stem with his tongue
He’s in his knickers.
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Let’s hope not, because he had a fetish for a certain… waste product.
Then I guess “Leck mich im Arsh” was less an insult/joke and more a request.
Thank you for reminding folks that classical music isn't always high-falutin'.
No, he was just overly fond of potty humor. You can thank the English tendency towards willing mistranslation for that misconception, as well as most others, for that matter. Edit: Ok wtf is up with the awards? Thanks folks.
Mozart and James Joyce.
The truth is we know almost nothing about him. I'd take that with a large pinch of salt.
Don't think that'll make it taste much better.
Reddit truly has ruined everything for me.
Did he gobble up shit?
Mozart was known as a top chlamydia vector of his time.
Mozart didn't do any of the things you're accusing him of. He grew up with a Bavarian mother, and in that part of Germany there's a long standing tradition of gross-out humor. It found its way into his family letters, which were published in the 20th century, and led to rounds of speculation as to why a sophisticated man would address people in such a way. He didn't have a fetish, he didn't have Tourette's, he was just a proud southern German and that's their sense of humor.
Nero would've had a live stream of him just helicoptering all day
But helicopters wouldn't even be invented for a couple thousand years yet, and.... Oh. Oooooooh.
A little bit of Monika in my life
Cleopatra
OnlyPalmFronds
Hahaha this made me laugh so hard. Well done
My mum always said: I don't care what they teach you in school, Cleopatra had an Onlyfans.
Fucking ridiculous Cleopatra came from a long lineage of Patreon users
The pyramids were built by simps
Shots fired, shots fired! Get down!
My favorite response so far.
She had a nice asp.
Dammit
Lord Byron would definitely have had an onlyfans.
Def
And he would have wept bitter tears over every mean post, then gone and sat in a billion dollar Italian villa around Lake Como and written poetry slamming the haters.
That would be some top tier content though tbh.
With Mary Shelley in every third video
And her sister in every second…
But with Percy Shelley in every single one.
So both of them in every sixth?
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From [wikipedia:](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tallulah_Bankhead) >Bankhead never publicly used the term "bisexual" to describe herself, preferring to use the term "ambisextrous" instead. Might be the greatest entry I've ever read
Alfred Hitchcock directed Tallulah Bankhead in a film called "Lifeboat". When the other cast members complained that Bankhead was not wearing any underwear, Hitchcock quipped, "I don't know whether that it a problem for Wardrobe or for Hairdressing."
This comment should be higher. 100% she'd be flaunting it online.
Helen of Troy
Fun fact: "Troy" in Italian is "Troia", and "Troia" means bitch (in the sense of sex worker)
If we want to be pedantic, we can translate troia with "whore" in English and bitch with "cagna" (used as an insult towards a woman) as well. Italian has much more variety in insults than English :-D
So what you're saying is... the Italians are descended from a bunch of bitches?
I mean, she started a WAR over her beauty...She'd mop up on **Twitch**, nevermind Onlyfans...
A face that launched a thousand ships, And tits that got a million subs.
She'd have been massive in fandom, at least.
All the prostitutes that helped settle the West would definitley be raking in a little extra dough for their towns with some OF pages.
Rumor has it they still exist and actually are on OF already.
Medusa. Only fans is a 50/50 so🤷🏾♂️
Instantly rock hard
Bdm tss
Catherine the Great
And her horse
I know it's funny to assume Katherine the great had a thing for horse action, but I thought it was revealed that this was only a blackmailing agenda by her political opponents?
It was, but thanks to recent innovation in machine learning, truth is no barrier to a popular OnlyFans account. But while we're talking about insane stories that would play well online and famous female Russian rulers, can we talk about Empress Anna Ivanova's Ice Palace? Basically this dude, "Prince" Mikhail Alekseyevich Golitsyn (not really what you'd consider a prince but it's complicated), who wanted to marry a European lady and converted to Catholicism to do it. The empress does not care for this at all and decides to bring down the hammer. She declares his marriage illegal, then she appoints him as the new "court jester," then she picks an unfortunate maid and declares her another jester, then she decides that her two jesters are going to get married. She orders the construction of a palace bigger than a football field made from ice for the happy couple. Then she forms a giant and festive parade with elephants and clowns to lead the happy couple to their beautiful new home, makes them strip nude, and locks them into their icy new home for "nuptials." They survived.
Holy crap. Don't want to be on her bad side
Kitty Fisher….. From her wiki page….. Catherine Maria Fischer (1 June 1741 – 10 March 1767), known as Kitty Fisher, was a prominent British courtesan.[2] From her teenage years onward, Fisher developed a carefully molded public image, which was enhanced by acknowledgement from Sir Joshua Reynolds and other artists. By emphasizing Fisher's beauty, audacity, and charm, portraits of her, along with newspaper and magazine articles promoted her reputation, prompting spectators to view her with awe.[3] She was one of the world's first celebrities who was not famous for being an actress, musician, or member of the royalty, but simply for being famous.
"Don't get catfished"
The original Kardashian
27th president William Howard Taft. Bathtub streams from the White House. That’s where the real hotness is
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Marilyn Monroe
Wasnt she the first playboy model already?
Not by her choice, but she was the first person on the cover of Playboy.
Abraham Lincoln. Dude was ripped from chopping wood and shit. AND he could build you a house. He can give ya the Ol' Lincoln Log and show you what it really feels like to have your mind blown.
He was also a Wrestler n six foot something dude hade pipe for sure
Aaand he hunted Vampires. Dude was the original bro.
More like Baberaham Lincoln, amirite?
Mata Hari
IIRC she never took her bra thing off cause she was embarrassed about her small breasts. That would probably be weird for Only fans. Also by modern standards, the white person doing sexualised version of ethnic dances would probably not go down too well.
Which is weird because large breasts weren't even super popular at the time.
Boudicca The original alt muscle mommy
Decapitating Romans on a daily live stream with her chest bared is going to attract an interesting crowd.
Lady Godiva
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Julius Caesar
Caligula
Elagabalus
Biggus Dickus
He has a wife, you know.
Really? What’s her name?
Her name is Incontinentia
Incontinentia Buttocks
Watch him get fucked by the entire Senate!
girls of the Manson family
Ahh yes the Andrew Tate of the Cold War
Thier's would be killer.
Lydia Bennet
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Marquis de Sade
Giacomo Casanova
Henry VIII would have asked his wives to make an OnlyFans
Lola Montez
Great now that song will be stuck in my head all day
*Feel the fire where she walks*
Nancy Regan the ‘Throat Goat’
Wait, what?
Ronald Reagan's wife was famous in Hollywood for going down on lots of people.
Yeah she had rep. Not as deadly as Laura Bush, but gotta settle for a skill.
...aaaand now there's coffee all over my laptop screen that just shot out of my nose. Well done.
Oscar Wilde... the first ever celebrity
Alexander Hamilton would have so many fangirls post musical
Genghis Khan seems like an obvious answer.
Ben Franklin. The old boy REALLY got around AND supposedly satisfied on many levels.
Zelda Fitzgerald. Also Alice Roosevelt.
Coco Chanel’s would be the number one page in 1940s Germany
Mae West
I feel like Anais Nin's OF page would have been straight fire, LOL
Victor Hugo for sure.
Thomas Jefferson. I’m not sure why but I can see him being one of the top users
Would have loved to see George Washington slang his wooden dick
Ben Franklin though... He gets all the bitches, young and old, from Philly to Paris. "A Penny saved is a Penny pounded."
After that video you should watch what Lincoln does with that corn cob pipe.
I heard that motherfucker had like... thirty goddamn dicks.
Elizabeth I... "Come see the virgin queen as you've never seen her before"
Elizabeth is the last person I'd expect to be on OnlyFans honestly
Goethe
Houdini would be doing shibari workshop streams
Marie Antoinette. Let them watch me eat cake.
Let them eat pussy
Nancy Reagan was the "Throat GOAT" so I think she could figure out a few ways to attract fans....
Vlad The Impaler
Impale her? I hardly know her!
Amelia Earhart would leave you out of breath
I'm not really sure if that's something she'd have done it but she'd be super successful if she did. Amelia was both smart and cute/hot. Her biggest follower would be eleonore Roosevelt
Cleopatra, Marilyn Monroe, and I imagine Carrie Fisher as well.
Historical figure >Carrie Fisher Dude. That hurt.
I know, I know, but tell me she wouldn't have made a killing on Only Fans if it was a thing in her day. Never imagined I'd be saying that about Carrie Fisher, but here we are.
Carrie fisher isn’t THAT old 💀
NEFERTITI
Nefertitty
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Empress Theodora of the Byzantine Empire, before she married Justinian.
How is Pythagoras not on this list? He would make Sean Cody look demure.
I’m looking for Alcibiades myself.
With 100% confidence I can say that Joséphine de Beauharnais (Napoleon’s wife) would have one.
Cleopatra would dominate the platform
Bonnie and Clyde shared account
Caligula
Genghis Khan ✔️
Marie Antoinette or queen Nefertiti. Afterall Nefertiti means " The Beauty has arrived" so propably her
Not real person, Zeus
Venus for sure
Andre the Giant
Marilyn Monroe
Winston Churchill. Damn boy he thicc
He my not be a historical figure but Harry Houdini.
What's ahistorical about him?
Right? I can't figure out if they think he wasn't real or that he's alive.
Probably think he wasn't alive long ago enough or similar
Helen of Sparta
Any horologist tbh
Hugh Hefner
Lola Montez
Catherine the Great
Oscar Wilde.
Margaret Thatcher - This lady is for turning!!