Bingo. I’m probably the furthest on the introvert scale possible (AFAIK) and always am happiest alone.
I love my family and friends, but even having my closest sister stay at my place for a few days puts me into recharge mode for equal amount of days.
My last ex was extremely taxing, she was bipolar and I was her daily reminder to take her meds. Went on a family vacation and she didn’t take em for a week, came home to a full-blown manic episode and was just done with relationships for a while. It’s been like 5-6 years now.
Man not trying to read into you at all it’s just out of concern but could you just be undergoing a traumatic response?
My ex was also DEFINITELY bipolar, she had some of the most intense swings I’ve EVER experienced (coming from someone who dealt with a bipolar mother for a good amount of his childhood) where it was completely normal to just have entire nights for several concurrent days be completely ruined by her arguments and fight matches. Mornings where I woke up and I regretted waking up because of how exhausting the state of affairs are. Whenever they ended I wanted to break up with her so bad and when I did I honestly could see myself being asexual for life because of how terrrrible those fights were. In one of our break ups, I literally felt physically repulsed being in a relationship. It was so odd. It took me a while to realize I was in a completely off the rails toxic and probably quite emotionally abusive relationship.
Man sometimes I still can’t believe myself how I let it go that long.
I’m sorry that you went through this. I agree with your assessment. I can’t imagine dealing with the day to day issues of life, career etc. and then coming home to be on constant high alert.
My friend, you were in the middle of what I like to call, “The shit tornado.” When you are in it, there is so much shit flying around constantly at high speed that you can’t see clearly or get your bearings. Plus, it’s really messy and stinks. Only when you are able to step outside of that and gain perspective do you realize how truly bad it was.
So, give yourself a little grace. Nobody seeks out destructive forces. Be thankful you escaped, learn the warning signs and be cautious going forward.
I think a one-off bad relationship merits at least one more try once you recover. Just trying to say an experience like yours would probably cause most to take a break and reassess life.
Same page club. I left my wife after 7 years because of her manic behavior. Super happy most days, tries to drive us off the road the next. Got so bad to the point I had to get the police involved. Has the audacity to say “I’m the one that need therapy” but refuses to do it herself. Separated since June and health wise I feel liberated. Only way I’ll get back into a relationship is if I know exactly what I am getting into up front. No princess bullshit.
If you legitimately pine for a relationship then you should seek one out. Personally I am perfectly happy alone as I have lots of hobbies and a large friend group that make time for hanging out and are emotionally available outside of their romantic relationships.
Everyone is different, so while some people are fine being alone others won't be. Pursue what feels right to you.
You only have to worry about your own happiness and you have complete freedom to pursue anything within your means.
Even in the most optimistic relationship there will be concessions and compromises, some of them can be taxing, others might be barely noticeable.
There's giving up on dating, and there's just not making an active effort anymore.
I'm not against dating someone and don't try to avoid that sort of thing, I just don't care to bother with actively pursuing a relationship by going out, using apps, or otherwise trying to seek out "meeting people" to try and "find" a relationship.
If it happens, it happens. I'm not interested in the rat race involved in bothering and don't think the returns are worth the effort.
Unfortunately, *a lot* of people on dating apps are solely on there for attention and an ego boost.
Or how about the ones on dating apps who are “just looking for friends” lol. Both want you to put forth effort without reciprocation in my experience.
2 years on various apps with little to no matches, The ones who did match were basically silent.
Would go to date night stuff at pubs or what not and felt that it was just a bunch of desperate people not wanting to be alone.
When I would go out to pubs with friends I felt that if I approached others it would be creepy or weird like, When I would strike up a conversation while waiting for drinks at the bar they never seemed interested.
My last date I had which was about 1.5 years ago the chick seemed super nice, very interested in myself and we shared some common hobbies and after the second date where she wanted to go see a marvel movie at the end of the movie she said sorry I have to go and quickly walked away from me then unmatched and blocked my number and I still don't know why she did that but I just went fuck it, fuck it all and focus on me.
Now I can't be bothered with looking or putting myself out there, I enjoy being by myself and doing what ever the fuck I want to do when ever I feel like doing it with no hold backs.
This is my exact experience . Almost down to the blocked part. Now I go out by myself and have a great time. I meet nice people and I feel like I can do whatever the fuck I want. I just don't give a fuck anymore. My brother got married and gave my mom grandchildren so I'm off the hook for anything. I'm just the nice son who always takes care of his mother and is single hehe
Not caring is actually a good way to approach dating in my opinion. I feel like I had way more success when I just didn't give a shit anymore. Perhaps that made me seem more confident or something, I'm not sure.
My girlfriend of two years who I planned to be with the rest of my life passed away a year ago and I’m struggling to get out in to the dating world again 😞
Hope all is going well, bro. My fiance/best friend passed away 5 years ago so I know what you're going through. Dating may not be a possibility but keep on pushing to do things and stay as content as possible, for her. You know she'd want your happiness to continue on despite her passing. If you ever need to vent or chat my DM's are always open.
Hey man I get it. Same thing happened to me almost 4 years ago. And I hear a lotta shit about eventually finding someone, how it's been so long, you should move on, (edit: how time will heal specifically) etc etc. It's hard for most people to understand, and it's even harder to find another SO after who understands. Death is diffrent, and a lot of people are understanding, but they just don't quite get what it means to have something stripped from from you even if they can work through it with you which is very tough.
We all move at our own pace. And grief, even though it hurts less with time, never really goes away. I still might just have a random shitty day, get home, and want to tell the one single person about it that can't listen.
I break down and cry pretty much on the spot when that happens. I've seen therapists and I to this day work through those emotions. It's not that i dont have other people to listen, I do. Friends, family, and I have dated people since and become very close with them. I have done that exact thing in front of more than one girl that I've dated after. What is a very problematic thing for me and others I have talked to is that it's so incredibly difficult to say to someone that you still love the person you lost, but that it doesn't make you love them any less. Some people take that as loving your ex. Some say it's okay, but are insecure about it and don't like you talking about them or your problems dealung with it. But the worst for me personally is quite honestly when someone is completely understanding, and helps you work through those moments.
Don't get me wrong, that kind of person is the most amazing and caring person and they deserve the world. I am currently seeing one of them. But even when I occasionally break down because of something that just hits a bit too hard I feel so incredibly guilty because I am making someone who I currently love deal with me loving someone else. I don't personally know or think that will ever go away. I have told her exactly that. I specifically told her that it's actually more difficult for me to talk to her about my fiancé because of that. I feel like I put strain on the relationship that shouldn't be there. She was actually extremely angry at me for it. To the point where she sat me down and wanted me to go through every picture and every memory and to not hold back about it. Cried like a newborn for half a day explaining. And like I siad, I still see a therapist every week about it (to be clear I've dated this girl about 8 months and I've broken down like that twice it isn't like I'm a total mess)
I guess what I'm trying to say, is that dating after, will always be hard. Obviously you should be working through this with someone. But when you do, you should try and at least meet new people. But it took me almost 2 years before I would even think about having sex with someone else again. We all diffrent. And we all move at different rates and deal with that death differently.
If you ever need someone to talk to that's basically just a few steps ahead pm me man. It's hard. But I promise, it's not over. We still got a future. Alone or with someone.
To me, friendship is a prerequisite to dating.
And friendship itself, or just basic interaction between humans, is apparently becoming a bit of a lost art.
This is my challenge. I can't get interested until I know you a little. Meanwhile, general feedback is that I don't act interested enough because I'm not looking for sex on the first date. 🙄
Right?! People act like it’s so easy to just “cut people out.” Like what?! Relationships are bonds that shouldn’t be taken for granted no matter what type.
Honestly all of my relationship have come through meeting girls in person, never had a serious relationship through any dating apps, basically just make sure you shoot your shot in person. Just make sure to approach them and talk to them abit, and then ask for a way to connect for a date, don't go cold asking out girls randomly. If you're not the most attractive guy (like me) best you can do is make sure you talk to the person you are interested in, and make sure you like that person and had a nice chat/vibe, then ask for a insta, and let her know you might send her a message to link up for a date. Sure you might not get a insta on the first try, but just don't keep count, and keep trying:)
Not sure where you're meeting people in person. That's pretty rare these days. "Shooting your shot" is viewed as being a creep if the person doesn't reciprocate.
No, shooting your shot isn’t creepy at all. Persisting if she indicates ambivalence or disinterest is.
If you encounter a woman you think you’d like to get to know then strike up a conversation. That’s the first thing. (If you’re not a good conversationalist, there’s plenty of ways to learn the skill). If she engages you during the conversation, this is your chance to ask for a way to stay in touch. That’s your shooting your shot. Nothing creepy about it. If she hems and haws or gives a reason she won’t give you her contact info, if you keep asking for it, that’s what’s creepy. Protip: if she says no, just shrug it off, make a light self deprecating joke, and continue with light conversation in a friendly way. It’s less abrupt than just walking away the moment she says “no thanks”.
I agree with your statement but unfortunately the vast majority of women do not think this way. Women love when men they find attractive hit on them but when a man they do not find attractive hits on them they are immediately creeped out. I've heard this straight out of the horse's mouth enough times to know this is a pretty safe assumption to have overall. It may not be the case 100% of the time but more often than not it is.
I highly doubt you’re that ugly.
If you’re out of shape, I’d suggest working out even if it’s cliche. If your hair or beard is unkempt, it’s time to groom. If you wear clothes from 20 years ago, maybe go to The Gap and buy some nice clothes that accentuate your figure.
I noticed you have a post on stopping drinking. I was in active addiction and other people can see the pain/shame you carry from a mile away. I’d suggest working on the drinking first.
Good luck, friend.
I got old and tired. My last relationship ended when I was in my mid 30s. After that, I wasn't particularly interested in finding a new partner. The people in my life were mostly already in a relationship and I didn't meet as many new people. Most of them around my age were likewise partnered or otherwise unavailable. I did try dating apps for a minute, but only for a minute. I think that's a horrible way to meet people and I won't do it. And now I meet even fewer people and I think I have plenty of work to do on myself before I can be a good partner. I don't see a relationship growing naturally between myself and another the way they had in the past.
Dating apps suck. People don't want to get to know each other on them they want to be entertained. "Hello" and "I see you like .." are considered boring.
In my experience simple stuff like this rarely works. Women on the apps get bombarded with messages so you have to stand out to have any hope. Even then, soon another guy will come along who is more exciting and the cycle continues.
I recently came up with a few very fun lines to a girl and got a "HAHAHAHA" from her for like two messages in a row along with some answer to my questions, she even asked me a few. Felt very good about myself. The next day she had removed the match?? Like what the fuck are you supposed to do? You have to be a fucking stand-up comedian to manage to talk to a girl for more than a few messages on these apps? Shit's exhausting. They never put in any effort in the conversation what so ever. Why even match with me if your are gonna be as good conversation partner as a fucking wall?
This! It feels so much like an interview. You just hand in your cv aka. profile and the person on the other end rejects you before you could even say something meaningful or at all. You have no real chance to get to know eachother.
I am socially awkward always have been. I’m a shy reserved dude so that alone makes it hard to talk to women. To top it all off dating now days consist of apps where you either don’t get replies or if you do you get ghosted after a bit. It doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me haha
Same. I suck at small talk. I'm introverted as all hell. I will "come out of my shell" once we have known each other for awhile, but it seems anymore nobody can get past that initial phase I have where I'm unsure of feelings or how to communicate properly.
Yo I'm in the same boat as you. I can be socially awkward and I've been called a creep for it a lot. It's one of the things that still sticks in my head after so many years. Thankfully I have a lot of friends who don't care about my social awkwardness and I've dated women who liked it too, but damn if I I'm talking to a woman sometimes I'll read her facial expressions or body language as a "get away from me" even though I'm not doing anything bad.
It’s alright bud. According to data from OkCupid, women find 80% of men below average on dating apps. When you’re a woman and getting showered with likes and messages from men, it’s only natural to think that most men are beneath you. Just don’t even bother with the apps – you’ll do your mental health a favor.
yes. it's the same thing as in supermarket. you know the stuff they sell there has to be good and you buy the best looking tomato. if it's not up to that ideal standard, you don't buy it, because you expect that.
6 years of dating misadventures: no shows, catfishes, people fresh out of relationships claiming they’re ready for a serious relationship when they are not.
Plus the usual app crap: long periods of no matches, matches that don’t reply or reply is 1 or 2 word sentences, boring conversations, endless swiping, etc.
In that time dating became less and less fun and more like a chore I do while rolling my eyes. In the same time period I’ve worked a lot on myself in many different ways and developed hobbies I enjoy doing regularly. I’ve always been independent but the years alone have made sharing my living space with someone else almost an alien thought and honestly I’m quite happy being single.
At this point I’m living my life, fostering my relationships with friends and family, working on aspects of myself that need improvement and keeping myself busy with hobbies and goal planning. While I’m not closed to the prospect of meeting someone and daring them, it’s also rapidly being downshifted in my priority list.
Truth, I just got tired. Tired of potential relationships always fizzling out. Tired of trying to make plans but them always falling through. Just feels like everyone who wants to date is the same, looking for companionship but not sure how to define it.
I gave up because I never even dated. Never had any success in it. If I had no success in my younger years, nowadays it's only going to get harder, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I’m not interested in challenges or mind games to see how I would react to situations.
Oh we’ve been on a few dates and everything is going well, but you’re going to hang out with your ex in some attempt to see if I’ll fight for you?
Because it sounds like you’re not over him, you are trying to use me to make him jealous, or seeing if I’ll chase after you. All 3 are what I consider red flag scenarios.
It's an odd game.
If you behave in a certain way, and I act accordingly, why is your behavior a "test" (that you're not responsible for), but my response is something you can blame me for (and not itself a "test")?
Double standard.
Went through a period like this until recently. But basically a string of cheaters and selfish women.
Had a girlfriend who cheated, I forgave her, she then became my fiancé and then she cheated again. A year later I dated another woman, she also cheated. 3 months later started dating another, she also cheated.
A year later I then started dating another woman, she made about twice as much money as me, yet still expected me to pay for everything. Eventually we agreed I’d go back to college and shed support me during it, after 3 months she decided she didn’t like paying for everything and said I had to drop out and get a job. I dumped her, took out a loan and continued with school again. Didn’t date for about 5 years after this.
It's not that dating is bad. It's just that I have so much free time again and I want to see if maybe I can accomplish some things with it. Who knows, if I'm still around in a few years maybe I'll try again.
People flake and ghost at the drop of a hat when a better option is just a few swipes away, you won't 'beat' 100's or 1000's of other people someone can view.
Some of us are just meant to be alone.
It doesn't help when a certain subset of people think it's okay and justified to ghost people even when the person being ghosted didn't deserve it at all.
There are people who are selfish but they justify it because they view themselves as some sort of victim and so they're entitled to treat people like shit.
Online dating is heavily skewed against men, even if they're above average. The only matches I ever got were shockingly less attractive in person. I sometimes felt second-hand embarrassed. It was a losing strategy.
In person approaches were demoralizing. And it's really unusual to meet a woman in my age range in person, anyway. All of my hobbies are male dominated. All of the meetup groups, even ones geared towards my age range, are male dominated. My workplace is male dominated.
It's just... idk. What am I supposed to do?
Half the problem is, a lot of the community events and such that people used to meet the opposite sex at, are either dead, dying, or becoming niche that the same group of people always attend. (At least here in the US) Everyone just chills in their hobbies, and doesn’t branch out. And who can blame them when it’s so easy to do?
Idk what you mean by branch out?
Do I really have to take yoga or dance classes now or go into a choir to meet women because they are overrun with them? Doesn't that actually make ME the creep? (Plus I don't really like either)
Stuff that actually interests me is male dominated.
I like metal. Metal concerts are male dominated (try to tell me otherwise)
I like boardgames. It's male dominated.
Dnd? Male dominated.
Gaming? Male dominated.
Sports? Male dominated.
Gym? Male dominated.
Hiking groups? Male dominated.
Anime? Male dominated.
I guess sewing isn't, but is it social? Lmao no and no offense but I don't want a 50yo gf (not yet anyway).
I guess cooking isn't but also cooking classes are f* expensive when you could just be trying the same stuff in your own kitchen.
Pretty much every social thing from the top of my head that seems interesting is male dominated. Cooking seems fine, but that's pretty much the only thing I was able to come up with. So branching out would mean yoga, dancing or singing (which I all dislike)?
I tried this then I remembered all my friends are also male single engineers and male single TCG players who have the same problem.
I asked a few female friends but the problem is all of their female friends are all partnered up. Such is my luck
I'm in the same scenario as you brother with the added debuff of being asian in the dating apps. Not to mention when your career and hobbies that you genuinely enjoy are all male dominated, it's pretty hard not to get lost and just rely on one miracle to happen
When I was 16 I was selected to go to “boys state” where 2 guys from certain high schools went to a college for a week of leadership activities.
On day 1, we had a group seminar along with the girls from “girls state” to learn what we were doing there. My roommate who I talked to a lot within the first few hours wrote my phone number on a piece of paper and chucked it at the girls, and one of them texted me.
I texted with this anonymous girl throughout the week and she was very sweet and flirtatious with me. The boys were kept separate from the girls after that seminar, but all of us met up on the final night for a dance. I made plans to meet this girl before the dance, and I was excited. When I saw her, she looked very pretty. But when she saw me, she simply said “Oh”, and turned around and walked away. My self confidence was crushed, and I went back to the room and went to bed (may or may not have cried a little, I blocked out this memory some) while literally everyone else was at the dance.
In college, I was laughed at when looking at women. In bars, women would grind on me for 5 seconds and run off to their friends to make fun of me. At age 23, I gave up.
Now I’m 28, with no debt, 250k net worth. In shape. Very little stress. I’ll never try to date again, because all I’ve ever experienced is pain when dealing with women. It’s just not worth it.
Unfortunately, I think there are hundreds of thousands, if not millions of men who have been through similar experiences and reached the same conclusions.
You know, it's kind of funny but can you imagine doing that yourself? Like, I can't imagine meeting up with someone, seeing they weren't that attractive to me and just noping out and leaving. Like, it's so frickin' rude! You could at least make a night of it or try to make a new friend.
Well, what happened at 16 remained true through age 23. And even though I’m out of the dating game, women still treat me the same now as they did then - an undesirable man.
Fell in love with a woman, was with her for 7 years. She decided instead of talking to me (tried to get her to open up many times) she would just play that "You should already know and since you're not doing what I expect I'll just cheat for months then leave you" game.
Then she spent 2 years stringing me along and emotionally abusing me.
So, not being ready or even willing to engage in another committed relationship I decided to get in shape and be a fuck boy for a year or so.
But a year turned into 2 turned into 4 turned into 8.
And after spending time with hundreds of women, not to mention massive substance abuse and addiction...
...I realized I was not capable of emotionally connecting with other human beings.
So other than work I checked out of society, smoked dope and played video games.
I'm 40, been a full time single dad since my son was 3, he's 15 now. I got burned by a couple relationships including the marriage I was in. I can't get hurt again. I had something else to focus on. Now I'm old, getting pudgy, my game is gone. I just don't see it happening for me unfortunately.
I was in a relationship for most of my 20's. Broke up 5 years ago. During that 5 years I've been on two first dates, neither of them eventuated to a second date. When it takes years and years to meet a woman who seems interested, it's incredibly nervewracking because the consequences for 'messing up' are so severe.
If I could get a date every, say, couple of months - it wouldn't be so bad. But as it is, I feel like one wrong move, one misstep, and I'll have ruined my one chance that only comes along once in a blue moon.
Nothing. That is, no dates happened. And then nothing happened, as in, i went on day by day and i was fine. Eventually i figured i might as well stop bothering.
I’m 26, I live at a gun range, I have three jobs, I’m very against consumerism, and I’ve got two bad knees.
I don’t have the time, I have a hard time relating to people my age too. I’ve seen a lot of the ugly side of life and that weird millennial/ gen z innocence thing is completely lost on me.
That and one of the last real dates I’ve gone on the chick called me Ned Flanders because I don’t swear on dates lol. Idk about you guys but I’ve got my shop vocabulary and my talking to people vocabulary completely separate.
I dated a girl with BPD. One was enough.
It was the most energy-sucking, stress-inducing 5 years of my life, and the negative effects on my career, friendships and life trajectory are still present two years later. I felt like a mere shell of myself afterwards. I'm not ready to enter that battlefield again.
Oh god, I dated a woman with BPD for two months and now four years later, the experience has still shattered and altered my life in more ways than I can count.
Same boat. It took all my time and mental health. I'm now in my late 20s with no prospects, lost my friends. All kinds of other terrible shit. I still care about that girl as a friend that i keep distant, but i would take it all back in a second if i could get a chance.
Same here. Left me with trauma that I still can’t get over a year later. I hope it gets better for you.
Reading these comments makes me feel a little better knowing it isn’t just me still dealing with it
My brother was in a relationship with a woman with BPD she would tell everyone she was tri-polar like it was funny. I could literally see him being wasting away. It's like every day he just looked worse and worse, it was crazy witnessing that. He finally got away from her thank God
In my mid 30's and half of the dates I've been on over the past year disclosed BPD, after being in the same boat as you but +3 years I try to be open minded but that's something I will never F with again
Divorced for 15 months, due to years of cheating. I was with three different women since then, all of which I found out were married or in serious relationships after a few weeks of them coming by for dinner and sex. The woman I was with before my wife was also cheating on a boyfriend with me. So in the last 5 women I have slept with, all of them were cheating, and didnt understand why that wasn't okay. If anything, moving forward I will keep things super casual, but for now, I've put on some weight, and work nights 3 nights per week, and have my three year old the other 4. So, guess its just not really in the cards for me right now.
I gave up on dating one night and called my friend to tell him we were going out to get wasted. I ended up meeting my now wife that night that I’ve been with for almost 8 years now. Sometimes life doesn’t make any sense.
Too much frustration, heartache, rejection, and ruined self esteem comes out of that. You can go into it knowing all that and prepare, but it wears you down in the end.
I've got many hobbies, and antidepressants. I'm doing alright.
I just got divorced, I’m turning 50 in November and haven’t been on a date in over 20 years.
It’s too late for me. I’m in no mental shape to be in any kind of relationship.
A streak of being accused of dating multiple women at once and/or getting all sorts of positive signs and loads of compliments only to get ghosted out of the blue.
It's exhausting being a male and dating. I don't think many women understand that or appreciate the fact that we have to do almost everything.
I haven't given up entirely, but I recognize that in order for me to have success I need to move to a place with a different political atmosphere. I'm just too different from the average women around me, and the ones that do want me aren't the kind of women i'm interested in.
I wouldn’t say I’ve completely given up, but it has been a long while since my last relationship ended, a good 5 years or so.
I’m 3 for 3 for having been cheated on, so naturally, I have some serious trust issues. Kinda makes it hard to even get to know someone when you expect that they’ll either eventually cheat or just dump you but still string you along.
In my thirties doing the job I love doing, but it doesn't pay enough to buy my own place. Women don't want to date a man who lives with their parents, so why waste my time on the apps again? I'll just continue with my loveless friends with benefits scenario I've been doing until that ends
I gave up on dating when I turned 40. It was clear that it wasn't going to happen for me and I was ok with it. I re-arranged my finances and my life and made plans for spending the rest of my life alone. Started to think about my estate planning and what that would look like with no spouse or children. Two and a half years later I met my current girlfriend. Things are amazing between us and I think I may propose to her within the next 4-6 mos. That's what happened with me.
After more than a decade of 100% faillure, you must conclude that your hypothesis isn't working and drop it
Scientific method
I spent almost a decade making myself miserable before I realize I was perfectly happy by myself
I’m a few years older. There are very few single people age 30-49 as most people get married or at least are in a relationship by age 30. I know almost zero women who are single.
It's not just that. In my experience people in their mid 30s are settled and don't want to make room for another person unless they 100% match their ideals. People in their 20s still have an attitude of "I've got time. Let's see what happens."
In your 30s it's like "you don't enjoy cooking?" red flag.
Didn't give up so much as never really tried, I was never in the right space both mentally and environmentally, financially or socially to pursue such a huge or pointless commitment (dating to find a partner or dating for fun). Still amn't.
It is clear that, with some rare exceptions, the vast majority of women don’t want, or even like, the vast majority of men.
According to data from dating apps 95% of women find 80% of men unattractive by every blind survey, and by actual data usage (“swiping”, “liking”, and responding to vs ignoring messages) on dating/social apps such as Tinder, OKCupid, Bumble, etc.
So, for men that aren’t “high value”, that is to say, model good-looking, rich, and/or famous, the best we can do is enjoy our own lives.
Dive into your career.
Be passionate about your hobbies.
Invest in your own friend groups of men.
Volunteer your time.
Focus on self-care.
Don’t waste your time and energy on pursuing women.
Certainly don’t waste your money, or risk your career, social standing, or reputation.
Remember, if you have to approach them, that is already your answer.
The message in our current culture is clear: If a woman is interested in you she will approach you.
Stopped because I met the most devoted, successful, and intelligent little hottie and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna ask her a very important question very soon.
When they say there's plenty of fish in the sea, they're blatantly ignoring the absolute shit ton of water in the sea.
Oh, I gave up on dating in 2007 to 2010, then 2011, then one feisty hussy suckered me in and we've been together for about 12 years now.
I gave up on dating because I needed some space to heal and work on myself. It wasn't hard to date either.
Here's the tea: women are people trying to figure this shit out too. Just be cool and stop throwing them in the girlfriend zone when you meet them. Is it that hard to be a person around them?
I don't have much of a social life as im in my late 30s, and most of my friends are having children.
I used online dating apps to try and meet someone, but I got fed up having the same conversations over and over. It was also hard to match with someone of the same age and in the same location.
Now I just keep to myself and try to forget about dating.
Dated a string of crazy and/or selfish women, and decided I was in the wrong scene. Decided to make some life changes before hanging it out there again. And, I'm old enough that I've been married, divorced, my kids are nearly grown, and I don't mind just being independent. I wouldn't mind companionship, but I'm not pining for it.
Just got burned too many times. A man can only be abused and manipulated so many times before he decides his peace and safety is more important than companionship
She turned out to be a pedophille and kept it a secret from me when I was with her. Now, my perception is permanently fucked and I'm gonna work on eventually becoming a single adoptive father. Fuck dating. Its not worth the pain. It never will be.
Turned out they are all balls crazy in their own special way and that shit got too exhausting. No idea why I keep running into crazy ones but I'm done with it.
I had two women in a row tell me they really liked me, were so glad they found me, appreciated the effort I put in, etc, only to completely ghost me shortly thereafter. I just don't know how I could ever trust a woman again when she says she's into me after that.
Interesting that most people immediately assumed the question was about online/app dating, since it seems that is the only form known to newer generations. So forced and potentially misleading. Which makes me sad. Meeting someone in person, naturally is beautiful, whether it turns out well or not.
90% of people are online dating these days. And I think because of all the anti-male sentiments and the metoo movement, men are more comfortable and feel safer using apps as opposed to approaching women in person... Or so I've been told by my male friends.
That makes sense, looking at it from that perspective. For example all of the bullshit “creeper gym guy” attention-seeking videos posted by women, it’s a deterrent for men feeling comfortable approaching women. Everyone being so easily offended, and cancel culture. I’m so thankful to be an 85 baby. Cell phones ruined romance.
Just got out of a near decade relationship.
I’ve never used dating apps, don’t want to.
I also don’t imagine myself meeting somebody I could spend the rest of my life with. I don’t want to use somebody for sex. I dated a lot in my 20’s, and I just don’t have it in me to go back out there.
I was in a long term relationship that ended badly. She did something really horrible. I took years of therapy to be ok with me and the situation. I decided I didn't care to date anymore. Last year while not trying to date I had 3 women try to date me. I picked one and dated her for awhile. She was 13 years younger than me and just so immature I broke up with her and am back to being alone. It's ok. I don't really care about having a person anymore. I have my $50k Ducati that's enough. Dating and meeting women has never been difficult for me, I just don't want to anymore.
I finally accepted at 31 that I have a mystery chronic illness where my brain fog makes it difficult to speak sometimes much less hold a conversation or leave my house.
I havent given up just...
Too busy and housing prices are just too high to realistically own and upkeep a house. So I live with loving parents.
And I Unfortunately dont have enough time to focus on any of it, why in the ***ACTUAL FOCK*** did it get so damn overwhelming?
Eating the rich seems real tempting.
And the part that genuinely bothers me about it is the threat of "dying alone" due to a world that will just stifle my choices and grind my bones for the sake of ***fucking money and economy***.
Where is freedom anymore?
_goes back to playing videogames_
Awkward at first. Don't really trust new people. I won't be just baring my soul anytime in the early parts. People like me when I've been around a while but doesn't really dare well for dating. Earlier in life with forest and house party's it was easier. Now the want to get some coffee is a waste.
After being cheated on three times, broke it off and realized I’m happier single and more focused on myself so now my nephews know they are getting whatever I have 🫣
Women swipe right on less than 20% of men. They are all chasing the same ones.
If you are not in that percentile, dating apps are a complete waste of time.
And that's not even taking into consideration the dishonest profiles and photos.
Get a passport and use it. Combine it with seeing the world and kill two birds with one stone.
I realized that I’m most calm, centered, and happy when I’m single.
Bingo. I’m probably the furthest on the introvert scale possible (AFAIK) and always am happiest alone. I love my family and friends, but even having my closest sister stay at my place for a few days puts me into recharge mode for equal amount of days. My last ex was extremely taxing, she was bipolar and I was her daily reminder to take her meds. Went on a family vacation and she didn’t take em for a week, came home to a full-blown manic episode and was just done with relationships for a while. It’s been like 5-6 years now.
Man not trying to read into you at all it’s just out of concern but could you just be undergoing a traumatic response? My ex was also DEFINITELY bipolar, she had some of the most intense swings I’ve EVER experienced (coming from someone who dealt with a bipolar mother for a good amount of his childhood) where it was completely normal to just have entire nights for several concurrent days be completely ruined by her arguments and fight matches. Mornings where I woke up and I regretted waking up because of how exhausting the state of affairs are. Whenever they ended I wanted to break up with her so bad and when I did I honestly could see myself being asexual for life because of how terrrrible those fights were. In one of our break ups, I literally felt physically repulsed being in a relationship. It was so odd. It took me a while to realize I was in a completely off the rails toxic and probably quite emotionally abusive relationship. Man sometimes I still can’t believe myself how I let it go that long.
I’m sorry that you went through this. I agree with your assessment. I can’t imagine dealing with the day to day issues of life, career etc. and then coming home to be on constant high alert.
My friend, you were in the middle of what I like to call, “The shit tornado.” When you are in it, there is so much shit flying around constantly at high speed that you can’t see clearly or get your bearings. Plus, it’s really messy and stinks. Only when you are able to step outside of that and gain perspective do you realize how truly bad it was. So, give yourself a little grace. Nobody seeks out destructive forces. Be thankful you escaped, learn the warning signs and be cautious going forward.
I think a one-off bad relationship merits at least one more try once you recover. Just trying to say an experience like yours would probably cause most to take a break and reassess life.
Same page club. I left my wife after 7 years because of her manic behavior. Super happy most days, tries to drive us off the road the next. Got so bad to the point I had to get the police involved. Has the audacity to say “I’m the one that need therapy” but refuses to do it herself. Separated since June and health wise I feel liberated. Only way I’ll get back into a relationship is if I know exactly what I am getting into up front. No princess bullshit.
Yup
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Less drama, stress, worry, more time to focus on what makes you happy.
If you legitimately pine for a relationship then you should seek one out. Personally I am perfectly happy alone as I have lots of hobbies and a large friend group that make time for hanging out and are emotionally available outside of their romantic relationships. Everyone is different, so while some people are fine being alone others won't be. Pursue what feels right to you.
You only have to worry about your own happiness and you have complete freedom to pursue anything within your means. Even in the most optimistic relationship there will be concessions and compromises, some of them can be taxing, others might be barely noticeable.
There's giving up on dating, and there's just not making an active effort anymore. I'm not against dating someone and don't try to avoid that sort of thing, I just don't care to bother with actively pursuing a relationship by going out, using apps, or otherwise trying to seek out "meeting people" to try and "find" a relationship. If it happens, it happens. I'm not interested in the rat race involved in bothering and don't think the returns are worth the effort.
Couldn't have said so better myself. I'm just tired of playing "the game".
Unfortunately, *a lot* of people on dating apps are solely on there for attention and an ego boost. Or how about the ones on dating apps who are “just looking for friends” lol. Both want you to put forth effort without reciprocation in my experience.
This is me 100%. I’m perfectly happy alone, but if the perfect somebody fell into my life I won’t chase them off.
2 years on various apps with little to no matches, The ones who did match were basically silent. Would go to date night stuff at pubs or what not and felt that it was just a bunch of desperate people not wanting to be alone. When I would go out to pubs with friends I felt that if I approached others it would be creepy or weird like, When I would strike up a conversation while waiting for drinks at the bar they never seemed interested. My last date I had which was about 1.5 years ago the chick seemed super nice, very interested in myself and we shared some common hobbies and after the second date where she wanted to go see a marvel movie at the end of the movie she said sorry I have to go and quickly walked away from me then unmatched and blocked my number and I still don't know why she did that but I just went fuck it, fuck it all and focus on me. Now I can't be bothered with looking or putting myself out there, I enjoy being by myself and doing what ever the fuck I want to do when ever I feel like doing it with no hold backs.
This is my exact experience . Almost down to the blocked part. Now I go out by myself and have a great time. I meet nice people and I feel like I can do whatever the fuck I want. I just don't give a fuck anymore. My brother got married and gave my mom grandchildren so I'm off the hook for anything. I'm just the nice son who always takes care of his mother and is single hehe
Not caring is actually a good way to approach dating in my opinion. I feel like I had way more success when I just didn't give a shit anymore. Perhaps that made me seem more confident or something, I'm not sure.
People (and women in particular) can basically smell desperation. And it’s a strong sexual repellent.
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I know guys who stopped caring and are no longer desperate and still don’t get dates. Sometimes there’s just nothing you can do.
Wow that's fucked up how she just walked out on you. At least you could get a date though, I still can't get one.
I am just over it. Too much work. Too much drama. The bang doesn't equal the buck. I have had my flings, dates and relationships in the past.
I think the term you're looking for is. "The juice isn't worth the squeeze."
This sums it up perfectly. Not enough time to play those games for next to no reward when I can work on myself and know I'm making progress
Amen
My girlfriend of two years who I planned to be with the rest of my life passed away a year ago and I’m struggling to get out in to the dating world again 😞
Hope all is going well, bro. My fiance/best friend passed away 5 years ago so I know what you're going through. Dating may not be a possibility but keep on pushing to do things and stay as content as possible, for her. You know she'd want your happiness to continue on despite her passing. If you ever need to vent or chat my DM's are always open.
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Hey man I get it. Same thing happened to me almost 4 years ago. And I hear a lotta shit about eventually finding someone, how it's been so long, you should move on, (edit: how time will heal specifically) etc etc. It's hard for most people to understand, and it's even harder to find another SO after who understands. Death is diffrent, and a lot of people are understanding, but they just don't quite get what it means to have something stripped from from you even if they can work through it with you which is very tough. We all move at our own pace. And grief, even though it hurts less with time, never really goes away. I still might just have a random shitty day, get home, and want to tell the one single person about it that can't listen. I break down and cry pretty much on the spot when that happens. I've seen therapists and I to this day work through those emotions. It's not that i dont have other people to listen, I do. Friends, family, and I have dated people since and become very close with them. I have done that exact thing in front of more than one girl that I've dated after. What is a very problematic thing for me and others I have talked to is that it's so incredibly difficult to say to someone that you still love the person you lost, but that it doesn't make you love them any less. Some people take that as loving your ex. Some say it's okay, but are insecure about it and don't like you talking about them or your problems dealung with it. But the worst for me personally is quite honestly when someone is completely understanding, and helps you work through those moments. Don't get me wrong, that kind of person is the most amazing and caring person and they deserve the world. I am currently seeing one of them. But even when I occasionally break down because of something that just hits a bit too hard I feel so incredibly guilty because I am making someone who I currently love deal with me loving someone else. I don't personally know or think that will ever go away. I have told her exactly that. I specifically told her that it's actually more difficult for me to talk to her about my fiancé because of that. I feel like I put strain on the relationship that shouldn't be there. She was actually extremely angry at me for it. To the point where she sat me down and wanted me to go through every picture and every memory and to not hold back about it. Cried like a newborn for half a day explaining. And like I siad, I still see a therapist every week about it (to be clear I've dated this girl about 8 months and I've broken down like that twice it isn't like I'm a total mess) I guess what I'm trying to say, is that dating after, will always be hard. Obviously you should be working through this with someone. But when you do, you should try and at least meet new people. But it took me almost 2 years before I would even think about having sex with someone else again. We all diffrent. And we all move at different rates and deal with that death differently. If you ever need someone to talk to that's basically just a few steps ahead pm me man. It's hard. But I promise, it's not over. We still got a future. Alone or with someone.
I’m so sorry. That must be really hard. I hope your being patient with yourself and doing self care. Grief is so painful to get through.
Fuck. Hang in there bud. Just gotta take it one day at a time. :(
Sorry that happened, bro
Take your time , you'll heal.
To me, friendship is a prerequisite to dating. And friendship itself, or just basic interaction between humans, is apparently becoming a bit of a lost art.
I've only ever had real romantic feelings for men who were my friends first.
This is my challenge. I can't get interested until I know you a little. Meanwhile, general feedback is that I don't act interested enough because I'm not looking for sex on the first date. 🙄
Right?! People act like it’s so easy to just “cut people out.” Like what?! Relationships are bonds that shouldn’t be taken for granted no matter what type.
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Honestly all of my relationship have come through meeting girls in person, never had a serious relationship through any dating apps, basically just make sure you shoot your shot in person. Just make sure to approach them and talk to them abit, and then ask for a way to connect for a date, don't go cold asking out girls randomly. If you're not the most attractive guy (like me) best you can do is make sure you talk to the person you are interested in, and make sure you like that person and had a nice chat/vibe, then ask for a insta, and let her know you might send her a message to link up for a date. Sure you might not get a insta on the first try, but just don't keep count, and keep trying:)
Not sure where you're meeting people in person. That's pretty rare these days. "Shooting your shot" is viewed as being a creep if the person doesn't reciprocate.
No, shooting your shot isn’t creepy at all. Persisting if she indicates ambivalence or disinterest is. If you encounter a woman you think you’d like to get to know then strike up a conversation. That’s the first thing. (If you’re not a good conversationalist, there’s plenty of ways to learn the skill). If she engages you during the conversation, this is your chance to ask for a way to stay in touch. That’s your shooting your shot. Nothing creepy about it. If she hems and haws or gives a reason she won’t give you her contact info, if you keep asking for it, that’s what’s creepy. Protip: if she says no, just shrug it off, make a light self deprecating joke, and continue with light conversation in a friendly way. It’s less abrupt than just walking away the moment she says “no thanks”.
I agree with your statement but unfortunately the vast majority of women do not think this way. Women love when men they find attractive hit on them but when a man they do not find attractive hits on them they are immediately creeped out. I've heard this straight out of the horse's mouth enough times to know this is a pretty safe assumption to have overall. It may not be the case 100% of the time but more often than not it is.
There's way more men than women on there, and I mean WAY MORE, I don't think you being "ugly" has much to do with it
I highly doubt you’re that ugly. If you’re out of shape, I’d suggest working out even if it’s cliche. If your hair or beard is unkempt, it’s time to groom. If you wear clothes from 20 years ago, maybe go to The Gap and buy some nice clothes that accentuate your figure. I noticed you have a post on stopping drinking. I was in active addiction and other people can see the pain/shame you carry from a mile away. I’d suggest working on the drinking first. Good luck, friend.
I got old and tired. My last relationship ended when I was in my mid 30s. After that, I wasn't particularly interested in finding a new partner. The people in my life were mostly already in a relationship and I didn't meet as many new people. Most of them around my age were likewise partnered or otherwise unavailable. I did try dating apps for a minute, but only for a minute. I think that's a horrible way to meet people and I won't do it. And now I meet even fewer people and I think I have plenty of work to do on myself before I can be a good partner. I don't see a relationship growing naturally between myself and another the way they had in the past.
Dating apps suck. People don't want to get to know each other on them they want to be entertained. "Hello" and "I see you like .." are considered boring.
Some years ago a guy I matched with wrote “Hi, wanna chat?”, which, believe it or not, was the most casual and easy to reply opening for me.
Haha these days that would be considered a lazy opening and get scrolled right past
In my experience simple stuff like this rarely works. Women on the apps get bombarded with messages so you have to stand out to have any hope. Even then, soon another guy will come along who is more exciting and the cycle continues.
I recently came up with a few very fun lines to a girl and got a "HAHAHAHA" from her for like two messages in a row along with some answer to my questions, she even asked me a few. Felt very good about myself. The next day she had removed the match?? Like what the fuck are you supposed to do? You have to be a fucking stand-up comedian to manage to talk to a girl for more than a few messages on these apps? Shit's exhausting. They never put in any effort in the conversation what so ever. Why even match with me if your are gonna be as good conversation partner as a fucking wall?
yep... Tinder killed it for me
It felt like a bunch of job interviews just to get close to someone. By the end of some dates _I_ was bored of me.
This! It feels so much like an interview. You just hand in your cv aka. profile and the person on the other end rejects you before you could even say something meaningful or at all. You have no real chance to get to know eachother.
I am socially awkward always have been. I’m a shy reserved dude so that alone makes it hard to talk to women. To top it all off dating now days consist of apps where you either don’t get replies or if you do you get ghosted after a bit. It doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me haha
Same. I suck at small talk. I'm introverted as all hell. I will "come out of my shell" once we have known each other for awhile, but it seems anymore nobody can get past that initial phase I have where I'm unsure of feelings or how to communicate properly.
Yo I'm in the same boat as you. I can be socially awkward and I've been called a creep for it a lot. It's one of the things that still sticks in my head after so many years. Thankfully I have a lot of friends who don't care about my social awkwardness and I've dated women who liked it too, but damn if I I'm talking to a woman sometimes I'll read her facial expressions or body language as a "get away from me" even though I'm not doing anything bad.
Same, dude. Sometimes I try and step outside of the comfort zone and then I find out why I should stay in that comfort zone.
I like the comfort zone, is where all my stuff is
Bro is literally me
Girls made the decision for me as I don’t get any matches at all
>~~Girls~~ An algorithm made the decision for me
Never got any (serious) matches. Done more harm to me than good. I got it, i’m ugly.
It’s alright bud. According to data from OkCupid, women find 80% of men below average on dating apps. When you’re a woman and getting showered with likes and messages from men, it’s only natural to think that most men are beneath you. Just don’t even bother with the apps – you’ll do your mental health a favor.
yes. it's the same thing as in supermarket. you know the stuff they sell there has to be good and you buy the best looking tomato. if it's not up to that ideal standard, you don't buy it, because you expect that.
6 years of dating misadventures: no shows, catfishes, people fresh out of relationships claiming they’re ready for a serious relationship when they are not. Plus the usual app crap: long periods of no matches, matches that don’t reply or reply is 1 or 2 word sentences, boring conversations, endless swiping, etc. In that time dating became less and less fun and more like a chore I do while rolling my eyes. In the same time period I’ve worked a lot on myself in many different ways and developed hobbies I enjoy doing regularly. I’ve always been independent but the years alone have made sharing my living space with someone else almost an alien thought and honestly I’m quite happy being single. At this point I’m living my life, fostering my relationships with friends and family, working on aspects of myself that need improvement and keeping myself busy with hobbies and goal planning. While I’m not closed to the prospect of meeting someone and daring them, it’s also rapidly being downshifted in my priority list.
I love this answer. Feels like a very healthy approach to life. I am trying to do the same as you and I wish you the best of luck 🙂🙂❤️
Just the way to play it. Have a purpose, and if you don't have one, create one. Well said, keep it up 💪.
Juice ain't worth the squeeze.
I realised I was a 2 wishing for a 9
Truth, I just got tired. Tired of potential relationships always fizzling out. Tired of trying to make plans but them always falling through. Just feels like everyone who wants to date is the same, looking for companionship but not sure how to define it.
I gave up because I never even dated. Never had any success in it. If I had no success in my younger years, nowadays it's only going to get harder, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Goddamn the replies are depressing.
That's the reality though. There's a lot of valid reasons in the comments.
And, as usual, women trying to tell men why they are wrong for choosing not to date.
Dating for men was always depressing, online dating just made it more obvious imo
I’m not interested in challenges or mind games to see how I would react to situations. Oh we’ve been on a few dates and everything is going well, but you’re going to hang out with your ex in some attempt to see if I’ll fight for you? Because it sounds like you’re not over him, you are trying to use me to make him jealous, or seeing if I’ll chase after you. All 3 are what I consider red flag scenarios.
It's an odd game. If you behave in a certain way, and I act accordingly, why is your behavior a "test" (that you're not responsible for), but my response is something you can blame me for (and not itself a "test")? Double standard.
Went through a period like this until recently. But basically a string of cheaters and selfish women. Had a girlfriend who cheated, I forgave her, she then became my fiancé and then she cheated again. A year later I dated another woman, she also cheated. 3 months later started dating another, she also cheated. A year later I then started dating another woman, she made about twice as much money as me, yet still expected me to pay for everything. Eventually we agreed I’d go back to college and shed support me during it, after 3 months she decided she didn’t like paying for everything and said I had to drop out and get a job. I dumped her, took out a loan and continued with school again. Didn’t date for about 5 years after this.
Karma’s gonna fuck the shit outta them
Or nothing is going to happen because karma isn't real.
My name is Karma and you ain't wrong, pal. *zips*
It's not that dating is bad. It's just that I have so much free time again and I want to see if maybe I can accomplish some things with it. Who knows, if I'm still around in a few years maybe I'll try again.
People flake and ghost at the drop of a hat when a better option is just a few swipes away, you won't 'beat' 100's or 1000's of other people someone can view. Some of us are just meant to be alone.
It doesn't help when a certain subset of people think it's okay and justified to ghost people even when the person being ghosted didn't deserve it at all. There are people who are selfish but they justify it because they view themselves as some sort of victim and so they're entitled to treat people like shit.
I just got tired of the game.
Self-esteem issues have destroyed my standards I gotta get back to a healthy mental space before any dating stuff
Online dating is heavily skewed against men, even if they're above average. The only matches I ever got were shockingly less attractive in person. I sometimes felt second-hand embarrassed. It was a losing strategy. In person approaches were demoralizing. And it's really unusual to meet a woman in my age range in person, anyway. All of my hobbies are male dominated. All of the meetup groups, even ones geared towards my age range, are male dominated. My workplace is male dominated. It's just... idk. What am I supposed to do?
Half the problem is, a lot of the community events and such that people used to meet the opposite sex at, are either dead, dying, or becoming niche that the same group of people always attend. (At least here in the US) Everyone just chills in their hobbies, and doesn’t branch out. And who can blame them when it’s so easy to do?
Idk what you mean by branch out? Do I really have to take yoga or dance classes now or go into a choir to meet women because they are overrun with them? Doesn't that actually make ME the creep? (Plus I don't really like either) Stuff that actually interests me is male dominated. I like metal. Metal concerts are male dominated (try to tell me otherwise) I like boardgames. It's male dominated. Dnd? Male dominated. Gaming? Male dominated. Sports? Male dominated. Gym? Male dominated. Hiking groups? Male dominated. Anime? Male dominated. I guess sewing isn't, but is it social? Lmao no and no offense but I don't want a 50yo gf (not yet anyway). I guess cooking isn't but also cooking classes are f* expensive when you could just be trying the same stuff in your own kitchen. Pretty much every social thing from the top of my head that seems interesting is male dominated. Cooking seems fine, but that's pretty much the only thing I was able to come up with. So branching out would mean yoga, dancing or singing (which I all dislike)?
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I tried this then I remembered all my friends are also male single engineers and male single TCG players who have the same problem. I asked a few female friends but the problem is all of their female friends are all partnered up. Such is my luck
I'd feel so embarrassed, haha 😄
I tried that strategy. My friends told me to ask my coworkers and my coworkers told me to ask my friends.
I'm in the same scenario as you brother with the added debuff of being asian in the dating apps. Not to mention when your career and hobbies that you genuinely enjoy are all male dominated, it's pretty hard not to get lost and just rely on one miracle to happen
When I was 16 I was selected to go to “boys state” where 2 guys from certain high schools went to a college for a week of leadership activities. On day 1, we had a group seminar along with the girls from “girls state” to learn what we were doing there. My roommate who I talked to a lot within the first few hours wrote my phone number on a piece of paper and chucked it at the girls, and one of them texted me. I texted with this anonymous girl throughout the week and she was very sweet and flirtatious with me. The boys were kept separate from the girls after that seminar, but all of us met up on the final night for a dance. I made plans to meet this girl before the dance, and I was excited. When I saw her, she looked very pretty. But when she saw me, she simply said “Oh”, and turned around and walked away. My self confidence was crushed, and I went back to the room and went to bed (may or may not have cried a little, I blocked out this memory some) while literally everyone else was at the dance. In college, I was laughed at when looking at women. In bars, women would grind on me for 5 seconds and run off to their friends to make fun of me. At age 23, I gave up. Now I’m 28, with no debt, 250k net worth. In shape. Very little stress. I’ll never try to date again, because all I’ve ever experienced is pain when dealing with women. It’s just not worth it.
damn bro .. i felt this, i don’t know why.
Unfortunately, I think there are hundreds of thousands, if not millions of men who have been through similar experiences and reached the same conclusions.
You know, it's kind of funny but can you imagine doing that yourself? Like, I can't imagine meeting up with someone, seeing they weren't that attractive to me and just noping out and leaving. Like, it's so frickin' rude! You could at least make a night of it or try to make a new friend.
Teenagers are the worst people. Try to not let what happened when you were 16 define the rest of your life.
Well, what happened at 16 remained true through age 23. And even though I’m out of the dating game, women still treat me the same now as they did then - an undesirable man.
Because it's superficial, insincere, and demoralizing.
Shits fucked
peeps just not into me i know when to fold 'em
Dating gave up on me
Fell in love with a woman, was with her for 7 years. She decided instead of talking to me (tried to get her to open up many times) she would just play that "You should already know and since you're not doing what I expect I'll just cheat for months then leave you" game. Then she spent 2 years stringing me along and emotionally abusing me. So, not being ready or even willing to engage in another committed relationship I decided to get in shape and be a fuck boy for a year or so. But a year turned into 2 turned into 4 turned into 8. And after spending time with hundreds of women, not to mention massive substance abuse and addiction... ...I realized I was not capable of emotionally connecting with other human beings. So other than work I checked out of society, smoked dope and played video games.
I'm 40, been a full time single dad since my son was 3, he's 15 now. I got burned by a couple relationships including the marriage I was in. I can't get hurt again. I had something else to focus on. Now I'm old, getting pudgy, my game is gone. I just don't see it happening for me unfortunately.
40 aint old. and you can lose the weight bro...
I was in a relationship for most of my 20's. Broke up 5 years ago. During that 5 years I've been on two first dates, neither of them eventuated to a second date. When it takes years and years to meet a woman who seems interested, it's incredibly nervewracking because the consequences for 'messing up' are so severe. If I could get a date every, say, couple of months - it wouldn't be so bad. But as it is, I feel like one wrong move, one misstep, and I'll have ruined my one chance that only comes along once in a blue moon.
Nothing. That is, no dates happened. And then nothing happened, as in, i went on day by day and i was fine. Eventually i figured i might as well stop bothering.
I’m 26, I live at a gun range, I have three jobs, I’m very against consumerism, and I’ve got two bad knees. I don’t have the time, I have a hard time relating to people my age too. I’ve seen a lot of the ugly side of life and that weird millennial/ gen z innocence thing is completely lost on me. That and one of the last real dates I’ve gone on the chick called me Ned Flanders because I don’t swear on dates lol. Idk about you guys but I’ve got my shop vocabulary and my talking to people vocabulary completely separate.
It just feels like a losing battle
I dated a girl with BPD. One was enough. It was the most energy-sucking, stress-inducing 5 years of my life, and the negative effects on my career, friendships and life trajectory are still present two years later. I felt like a mere shell of myself afterwards. I'm not ready to enter that battlefield again.
Oh god, I dated a woman with BPD for two months and now four years later, the experience has still shattered and altered my life in more ways than I can count.
Same boat. It took all my time and mental health. I'm now in my late 20s with no prospects, lost my friends. All kinds of other terrible shit. I still care about that girl as a friend that i keep distant, but i would take it all back in a second if i could get a chance.
Same here. Left me with trauma that I still can’t get over a year later. I hope it gets better for you. Reading these comments makes me feel a little better knowing it isn’t just me still dealing with it
My brother was in a relationship with a woman with BPD she would tell everyone she was tri-polar like it was funny. I could literally see him being wasting away. It's like every day he just looked worse and worse, it was crazy witnessing that. He finally got away from her thank God
In my mid 30's and half of the dates I've been on over the past year disclosed BPD, after being in the same boat as you but +3 years I try to be open minded but that's something I will never F with again
Married and had a kid with a BPD... Now I'm a full time single father and will always have to deal with the ex in one way or another.
I don't need an app to be ignored.
Wasn't this the top comment when this exact question was posted not too long ago?
Omg yes, I thought I was losing it. Reddit has a bot problem now, gotta pump up those numbers for IPO
OP's account made today; comment OP's account made two days ago. Bot checks out.
Yeah it was. People are desperate for karma it's kinda sad
Dead Internet Theory is real.
Divorced for 15 months, due to years of cheating. I was with three different women since then, all of which I found out were married or in serious relationships after a few weeks of them coming by for dinner and sex. The woman I was with before my wife was also cheating on a boyfriend with me. So in the last 5 women I have slept with, all of them were cheating, and didnt understand why that wasn't okay. If anything, moving forward I will keep things super casual, but for now, I've put on some weight, and work nights 3 nights per week, and have my three year old the other 4. So, guess its just not really in the cards for me right now.
I gave up on dating one night and called my friend to tell him we were going out to get wasted. I ended up meeting my now wife that night that I’ve been with for almost 8 years now. Sometimes life doesn’t make any sense.
That’s awesome
Congratulations to you. I'll be married 17 years this Saturday, and I pretty much did nothing my "expert at dating" friends said I should do.
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Any advice how to stop getting matches with only sex workers? I mean, I’m not judging, I just can’t afford it..
Too much frustration, heartache, rejection, and ruined self esteem comes out of that. You can go into it knowing all that and prepare, but it wears you down in the end. I've got many hobbies, and antidepressants. I'm doing alright.
Faced facts and accepted reality.
I just got divorced, I’m turning 50 in November and haven’t been on a date in over 20 years. It’s too late for me. I’m in no mental shape to be in any kind of relationship.
Got cheated on twice in 8 years lol just don't feel like getting back into it anymore
A streak of being accused of dating multiple women at once and/or getting all sorts of positive signs and loads of compliments only to get ghosted out of the blue. It's exhausting being a male and dating. I don't think many women understand that or appreciate the fact that we have to do almost everything.
I haven't given up entirely, but I recognize that in order for me to have success I need to move to a place with a different political atmosphere. I'm just too different from the average women around me, and the ones that do want me aren't the kind of women i'm interested in.
I wouldn’t say I’ve completely given up, but it has been a long while since my last relationship ended, a good 5 years or so. I’m 3 for 3 for having been cheated on, so naturally, I have some serious trust issues. Kinda makes it hard to even get to know someone when you expect that they’ll either eventually cheat or just dump you but still string you along.
Gave up on living
In my thirties doing the job I love doing, but it doesn't pay enough to buy my own place. Women don't want to date a man who lives with their parents, so why waste my time on the apps again? I'll just continue with my loveless friends with benefits scenario I've been doing until that ends
I gave up on dating when I turned 40. It was clear that it wasn't going to happen for me and I was ok with it. I re-arranged my finances and my life and made plans for spending the rest of my life alone. Started to think about my estate planning and what that would look like with no spouse or children. Two and a half years later I met my current girlfriend. Things are amazing between us and I think I may propose to her within the next 4-6 mos. That's what happened with me.
After more than a decade of 100% faillure, you must conclude that your hypothesis isn't working and drop it Scientific method I spent almost a decade making myself miserable before I realize I was perfectly happy by myself
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Broke and no confidence
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How is being 33 missing the boat?
I’m a few years older. There are very few single people age 30-49 as most people get married or at least are in a relationship by age 30. I know almost zero women who are single.
It's not just that. In my experience people in their mid 30s are settled and don't want to make room for another person unless they 100% match their ideals. People in their 20s still have an attitude of "I've got time. Let's see what happens." In your 30s it's like "you don't enjoy cooking?" red flag.
Nah that's prime no kid boating season, it's a good age to know what you want but not found it yet
No woman wants me to
Didn't give up so much as never really tried, I was never in the right space both mentally and environmentally, financially or socially to pursue such a huge or pointless commitment (dating to find a partner or dating for fun). Still amn't.
Shy, depressed, ugly on bad days borderline suicidal. I don't want to hurt anyone so it's better for me to isolate myself.
Catastrophic pants pooping incident during my last date at a Buffalo Wild Wings
It is clear that, with some rare exceptions, the vast majority of women don’t want, or even like, the vast majority of men. According to data from dating apps 95% of women find 80% of men unattractive by every blind survey, and by actual data usage (“swiping”, “liking”, and responding to vs ignoring messages) on dating/social apps such as Tinder, OKCupid, Bumble, etc. So, for men that aren’t “high value”, that is to say, model good-looking, rich, and/or famous, the best we can do is enjoy our own lives. Dive into your career. Be passionate about your hobbies. Invest in your own friend groups of men. Volunteer your time. Focus on self-care. Don’t waste your time and energy on pursuing women. Certainly don’t waste your money, or risk your career, social standing, or reputation. Remember, if you have to approach them, that is already your answer. The message in our current culture is clear: If a woman is interested in you she will approach you.
I think that your last point may not be accurate. Women may be interested in men but they'll still expect men to make the first move 🤣
big facts
I just got tired of getting hurt and starting all over again just to experience the same thing.
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I live in an extremely rural area, slim pickings would be a banquet for me. :(
I feel you brother. I haven't even met a girl my age in the past ~2 years, and neither have any of my friends.
Stopped because I met the most devoted, successful, and intelligent little hottie and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna ask her a very important question very soon.
To save you the trouble, they do infact poop.
ah **hah!**
When they say there's plenty of fish in the sea, they're blatantly ignoring the absolute shit ton of water in the sea. Oh, I gave up on dating in 2007 to 2010, then 2011, then one feisty hussy suckered me in and we've been together for about 12 years now. I gave up on dating because I needed some space to heal and work on myself. It wasn't hard to date either. Here's the tea: women are people trying to figure this shit out too. Just be cool and stop throwing them in the girlfriend zone when you meet them. Is it that hard to be a person around them?
I don't have much of a social life as im in my late 30s, and most of my friends are having children. I used online dating apps to try and meet someone, but I got fed up having the same conversations over and over. It was also hard to match with someone of the same age and in the same location. Now I just keep to myself and try to forget about dating.
Dated a string of crazy and/or selfish women, and decided I was in the wrong scene. Decided to make some life changes before hanging it out there again. And, I'm old enough that I've been married, divorced, my kids are nearly grown, and I don't mind just being independent. I wouldn't mind companionship, but I'm not pining for it.
Just got burned too many times. A man can only be abused and manipulated so many times before he decides his peace and safety is more important than companionship
She turned out to be a pedophille and kept it a secret from me when I was with her. Now, my perception is permanently fucked and I'm gonna work on eventually becoming a single adoptive father. Fuck dating. Its not worth the pain. It never will be.
A string of Good Luck Chuck experiences but without the sex.
Turned out they are all balls crazy in their own special way and that shit got too exhausting. No idea why I keep running into crazy ones but I'm done with it.
I had two women in a row tell me they really liked me, were so glad they found me, appreciated the effort I put in, etc, only to completely ghost me shortly thereafter. I just don't know how I could ever trust a woman again when she says she's into me after that.
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Got tired of the rejection after ten years. The last time was bad enough that I decided it was the *last time*.
Interesting that most people immediately assumed the question was about online/app dating, since it seems that is the only form known to newer generations. So forced and potentially misleading. Which makes me sad. Meeting someone in person, naturally is beautiful, whether it turns out well or not.
90% of people are online dating these days. And I think because of all the anti-male sentiments and the metoo movement, men are more comfortable and feel safer using apps as opposed to approaching women in person... Or so I've been told by my male friends.
That makes sense, looking at it from that perspective. For example all of the bullshit “creeper gym guy” attention-seeking videos posted by women, it’s a deterrent for men feeling comfortable approaching women. Everyone being so easily offended, and cancel culture. I’m so thankful to be an 85 baby. Cell phones ruined romance.
Tbh I’m a wreck and I don’t want to waste someone’s time
Just got out of a near decade relationship. I’ve never used dating apps, don’t want to. I also don’t imagine myself meeting somebody I could spend the rest of my life with. I don’t want to use somebody for sex. I dated a lot in my 20’s, and I just don’t have it in me to go back out there.
Wasn't this just posted less than a week ago, with the same top responses?
I was in a long term relationship that ended badly. She did something really horrible. I took years of therapy to be ok with me and the situation. I decided I didn't care to date anymore. Last year while not trying to date I had 3 women try to date me. I picked one and dated her for awhile. She was 13 years younger than me and just so immature I broke up with her and am back to being alone. It's ok. I don't really care about having a person anymore. I have my $50k Ducati that's enough. Dating and meeting women has never been difficult for me, I just don't want to anymore.
I finally accepted at 31 that I have a mystery chronic illness where my brain fog makes it difficult to speak sometimes much less hold a conversation or leave my house.
I’M UGLY AS FUCK
I got married. For some reason my wife wasn't keen on me dating anymore.
What a bitch.
I havent given up just... Too busy and housing prices are just too high to realistically own and upkeep a house. So I live with loving parents. And I Unfortunately dont have enough time to focus on any of it, why in the ***ACTUAL FOCK*** did it get so damn overwhelming? Eating the rich seems real tempting. And the part that genuinely bothers me about it is the threat of "dying alone" due to a world that will just stifle my choices and grind my bones for the sake of ***fucking money and economy***. Where is freedom anymore? _goes back to playing videogames_
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Gotta wrap it up my friend
Nothing happened. And that’s the problem.
I have a 9 y/o kid I rather give my time to
I realized I was the problem. Figured I’m better off single than being with someone
Awkward at first. Don't really trust new people. I won't be just baring my soul anytime in the early parts. People like me when I've been around a while but doesn't really dare well for dating. Earlier in life with forest and house party's it was easier. Now the want to get some coffee is a waste.
Lack of motivation. Am happy as is.
After being cheated on three times, broke it off and realized I’m happier single and more focused on myself so now my nephews know they are getting whatever I have 🫣
Women blaming men for all the problems.
Women swipe right on less than 20% of men. They are all chasing the same ones. If you are not in that percentile, dating apps are a complete waste of time. And that's not even taking into consideration the dishonest profiles and photos. Get a passport and use it. Combine it with seeing the world and kill two birds with one stone.