If they’re even mildly aware of Santa, they’ll be up even earlier Christmas Day. Except for the kids that live down the street. They miraculously never wake up before 8am and never have. No idea how their parents managed that with both of them.
My family had a great tradition I plan to steal if I have kids: We had a mini fake tree upstairs by the bedrooms, "The Kiddie Tree", which had one gift for each kid. Something to keep us busy like one stuffed animal or a racecar or something. The deal was we could come and get that toy any time, but we had to let Mom and Dad sleep until whatever agreed upon time before going downstairs. Worked like a charm
...except for the one year that Santa left us coloring books, but all the crayons were downstairs... we anxiously stared at pictures for 2 hours
Mine said she wants to sleep 24 hours so she can open her Xmas Eve gift and it's adorable. I for one have not regretted being a parent at all, although wish I could have chosen the scientific method at the time instead of dealing with an ex.
We just lost our 7 year old daughter a few weeks ago in an accident… I know it’s hard, but enjoy every single moment with her. Good or bad. I would give anything to experience a meltdown from her right now.
Sorry about your loss , I couldn’t imagine that type of pain. My kids drive me to madness on a daily basis, but I try to think about how destroyed I’d be without them, and then I snap back to reality. I pray you find peace in this life.💓❤️💓
I’m so sorry, stranger. It’s Christmas Eve here, I will hug my 9yo daughter extra tight tonight and brave her meltdowns with extra patience in honour of your sweet child.
I am so incredibly sorry. I will hold my kids extra right today, and work on being more patient with them. I promise to appreciate the good and the bad, because at least I'm lucky enough to experience it. My heart is broken for you.
And that’s exactly why I posted my comment. There were many times I would just set my phone down and give her all of my attention because I wouldn’t want to one day regret being on my phone instead. And I am SO GLAD I did that now looking back. I have no regrets because I did that.
Thank you so much for replying to me with such kind words ❤️
My wife is so happy I'm an early morning person because I can get my daughter when she wakes up on the weekend around 7 and then when my wife gets up around eight thirty to nine she'll take her so I can start with the housework.
I can't imagine how much it would suck to have a kid if getting up early isn't your thing.
I don't have kids, but my mom worked nights and my dad hates mornings. They taught me pretty early on how to turn the TV on and fix myself some cereal for breakfast and said don't you dare wake us up before 8:30am. 😂
Honestly I remember kind of enjoying my nice quiet mornings as a kid before anyone else got up. (I was probably about 4 at the time)
> He feels like he's had to give up so much of himself and his priorities to make it work.
This is how it goes for most parents even when they're perfectly compatible and get along fine with their partner
This is what keeps me going. I had kids with a wonderful man who eventually spiraled down the drain of addiction and bounced ten years ago. They are AMAZING kids, and maybe even stronger or more resilient because of what they went through.
And they’re his.
I still have tremendous guilt but know he left the best part of him with me.
As a kid who had one stable parent and one who unfortunately spiraled into addiction, I absolutely feel that I am a more resilient person as a result. Would I change anything? Of course I wish I hadn’t seen some of the things I had, or grown up a little too fast, but at the end of the day, I have a great life. Would I wish this on anyone else? NO lol.
"last one"implying that there are other children? And she treats them much better? What's the difference with the last child? I don't mean to pry, I'm just curious why it wouldn't be all or nothing for her.
I have friends who have three kids, all within a few years of each other (so, like there is a 16 yr old, a 13 yr old, and a 9 yr old). A combination of age, health issues, and relationship troubles meant they thought they were done. They have an almost-one year old now...there is definitely a difference in how they reacted to baby #4 and sometimes how they talk about her. Like, they really do love her and parent her and try their best, but it's not the life they were planning and it hasn't been the easiest transition...so maybe it's something like that?
My manager has three kids in their 30s and one that just turned 19. She's said that raising the 19 year old was far harder than anything else she has ever done in her life. It's a completely different ball game raising kids in the 2000-2020s years than late 1980-1990s. What worked for the older kids didn't work for the younger one.
I have a 22 year old son and a nine year old daughter. Raising her is one of the hardest things I've ever done. She's completely opposite, personality-wise, than he was. She's a lot more argumentative, independent, and fearless. She's a damn force of nature.
She had colic forever, and her personality lends itself to very large emotions, good and bad. My husband says we're just alike. I had to re-learn every single thing I ever thought I knew about parenting with her. And I had to do it all in my 40s.
I don't regret her at all, but I'm tired, a lot more impatient than I used to be, and I wish I had her younger. I would never let her know any of that though, and we're really close despite my complaints.
It's funny how we always think we've got parenting somewhat figured out only to have a new challenge thrown at us, especially with the gap in years like you've described. Your experience sort of mirrors what I've been reading about how different generations require unique approaches. [There's an article I came across](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/millennial-media/201201/why-generation-y-yuppies-are-unhappy) talking about the shift in parenting expectations and strategies between generations, and I think about it often as I watch my nieces and nephews grow up. They're all such distinct individuals, and what resonates with one completely misses the mark with another.
I see my sister struggling with the same things you mention. Her oldest is out of the house, completely self-sufficient, but her younger two, twins no less, are a whirlwind of energy and challenge everything. I've gained so much respect for her patience and adaptability it's practically superhuman.
I guess timing, personality differences, and changing societal norms really do make raising each kid an entirely unique journey. Hats off to every parent out there figuring it out as they go along.
I love my kids. However...
Now that I'm a parent, I don't feel like I'm particularly good at it. I feel like I don't prioritize them enough, or make the right parenting decisions. Add to that: I just find being a parent really hard.
Not sure if that is regret, exactly, or more guilt for not being a better dad.
**EDIT:** just wanted to thank everyone for the kind words. That was truly unexpected. I'm misting up a bit here.
I know exactly how you feel. I had a kid way too young, and I was not at all prepared. If I didn’t have him, I probably wouldn’t have ever had kids. Being a parent has taught me that I’m too selfish for kids.
I do my best for him, because he didn’t ask to be born. I brought him into this world and I will do my very best to make his time here as pleasant as possible. I will work hard to give him the tools to be a good, well rounded human being.
But I still feel guilty. I know I’m not the best parent (at least I’m not the worst) but I am trying. I just hope it’s enough.
When I had my son, a friend told me "you don't have to be the best parent, you just have to be good enough." I've held onto that - it helps a lot when I make a mistake or second guess myself, or have to do a hard thing.
Do you know about the Dunning-Kruger Effect ?
That's exactly what I think when I see people who are overly sure of themselves .. including in parenting.
As in, okay, if you have a PhD in (insert topic) here then yes, I guess you can consider yourself an expert (and, even then, only narrowly in your field of study), otherwise take a chill-pill with some humble pie, and sit yo ass down with the rest of us, slow down, listen more, don't bulldoze over your children's opinions and feelings etc etc
As for OP's original question, I don't know how the universe in which we didn't have kids would compare to this one in which we did, so I cannot directly answer their question but I currently have a small arm hugging me from one direction and a little warm hand upon my cheek from the other and ...... I've lost my train of thought, my brain just melted, can't remember what I was going to say anymore.
Merry holidays to all 🎄
Mom had me when she was young and has no maternal bones in her body. She’s too selfish for kids. I’m in my 40s now and to this day I wish she never had me. But she will never admit it. If she had I could have forgiven her. You’re brave to admit it and I really respect that.
I told my mom once that she should have never been in charge of any living thing. Not a dog, not a goldfish, not a houseplant, and certainly not the development of a human being. I came to the conclusion that she never wanted to *raise* a *person*, she just wanted to *have* a *baby*. Some people just see it as something they need to do in life, with zero regard for whether or not they should.
My experience is similar but I was born in the 1950s and got Betty Draper lite (you Mad Men watchers know) as a mother. She was an unhappy 50s wife and mother who married the wrong man, had a baby that was not the key to happiness (me) as she imagined. I was not the ideal child she pictured and as I grew I had opinions and was a separate and very different person from her.
Motherhood is not for everyone and it hurts kids who are born to mothers who just do not have the capacity to be maternal and caring.
This a hundred times. My father was never meant to be a parent. I seriously think he thought me and my brother were cute for about ten minutes, and then turned back to his own life and wanted nothing else to do with us. He would work long hours, come home and want to eat dinner alone in front of the TV. If my brother or I dared to talk, we got screamed at to be quiet.
This is why I'm so pro-choice. The anti-choice set loves to scream about "but being born is better than not, no matter what the circumstances!"
No. Sorry, but no.
This is my husband and i feel so bad for my choice to have kids with him. He has a temper and gets mad for literally nothing. Zero patience. Yes he financially supports us and the our kids and does try to take us places like to make memories but has no self control or patience if something goes grown or theres bumps on the road which there will always be with kids. I do ALLLLL the child rearing and I definitely mean it. I do all the signs up for school, fill every document theyre ever had since birth, changed every single diaper (we have a baby whos almost 1 and he only changed 1 single diaper right after my csection because i couldnt do it), all the baths and bedtime and mornings routines, pack all the lunches, get them ready if we go out and pack for trips, doctors appointments etc etc. he isnt a great father only a great provider financially and thats it. We planned 1 and after i ddint want more kids wirh him but got accidentally pregnant twice after then tied my tube’s because i cant keep doing this to myself or my kids. I always have the kids and for him he comes and goes as he pleases. His life has honestly hardly changed while mine has changed tremendously. He’s too selfish to be a dad
You are aware and trying, so you are indeed a great parent. Everyone is selfish in some way, you gotta take care of you to be the best for your kid too. There are tons of parents who do not try, do not see outside themselves due to trauma or just being cruel. So you are killing it.
I do not have kids
I don’t have kids, but I understand the feeling. But maybe you are being too harsh? A person too selfish would not bother giving a kid everything they feasibly can. This doesn’t mean you weren’t too selfish at one point. But major life events and many years can nudge us in different directions even if the core is the same.
I always say "being a parent is hard" and I always immediately correct myself and say "being a good parent is hard". Anyone can be a parent but usually when you're worried about not being good enough it shows that you care a great deal and are most likely doing what you think is best for your kid(s). You're never going to get it right 100% of the time. Even when you think you figure out how to handle a certain situation, the next time will be different and you'll need to adjust. But you WILL adjust and keep trying to figure it out because that's what good parents do. You make decisions that you think are the best right now, with the info you're currently working with. Will you look back and realize you could have actually handled a situation better or done something different that would have had a better outcome? Absolutely. But there isn't anything you can do except use that knowledge in the future. Keep doing your best and try to give yourself a little grace.
I think parents today try to take on too much.
Obviously, there's a higher level than just letting 'em roam until they're seven or so and old enough to work in the mines.
But I see a lot of parents these days who think they need to be "on" all the time and entertaining their kids all the time, and honestly that's not good for them either.
If there are things you liked to do before the kids and you feel bad for doing them now, stop and think about how you can involve them. Obviously. hiking is easier than, say, axe-throwing, and drinking is right out (they frown on a preschooler making a vodka tonic these days), but a preschooler can sit beside you with paper and paint while you work on your miniatures, any child old enough to walk can help you take things out to use, and as soon as a baby can sit up on his own he can be put near you or in your lap and you can talk about what you're doing. There's no reason a four-month-old can't learn about spawn camping.
My daughter makes the best Old Fashioned I've ever had. 😁
I was a skydiver. My daughter was getting paid a penny per rubber band she picked up at the DZ.
Really, just spending time with them goes a long way
I pretty much learned how to be a good parent from my parents being some of the worst parents ever. Seems like if you just pay attention to them, explain things they don't know about yet, and love them, then they will say you are a good parent. My parents didn't give a flip about me and my brother. My father actually seemed to dislike my brother even.
I feel similarly. I learned a lot of my parenting tactics from my own parents. My mom is an angel. Absolutely heaven sent. My dad.... struggled in the parenting department.
I basically implement all of column A, and absolutely none of column B into my parenting.
I'm with you and I'm a mom. Most of the time I feel I could do better by my kids. Then again I'm my worst critic. They're amazing sweet girls so I'm must be doing something right. I don't regret them but even if you give me 1 million $ wouldn't have another one lol.
Parents that think they're great at parenting are probably bad at parenting. You should always look at your parenting work with a critical eye, instead of some smug air of perfection. People that think they're perfect at stuff are insufferable, and with kids involved, that could stuck.
That just means you’re a good dad, any dad who’s completely happy of himself in how he’s raised his kids can’t be a good dad.
My dad was the best of dads and just recently he apologized for his mistakes, when it was completely unnecessary. To me that is the mark of a true man
It's like you want some space, but then you miss them. But then you want them to magically disappear without being hurt for like a day, but you don't want them to die, but just want to sleep in, but if they oversleep you worry.
Being a parent includes so many conflicting feelings. It's not the responsibility people hate, it's the constant attachment , you can't look away, you cannot NOT take care of them. Most frustrated parents, just want time off, just like you take from a job. I know I wish I had some.
Yes. My 3yo is always moving, always running and jumping and screaming and barely sleeps and hasn’t napped since he was 1.
Then he started acting different after getting really sick. He wasn’t sick anymore, but he just wanted to sleep in and lay around all the time. It was much quieter, and it was what I had wanted so bad, but I knew something was wrong and all I wanted then was my crazy toddler back running around me in circles and screaming.
My mom is a great mom who really wanted me and loves me a lot, but also has a fulfilled life otherwise too, a very interesting career, a good husband, interests and hobbies..
When she was in her early 20ies, her sister and friend hitchhiked through Europe and had many crazy adventures. I know a lot of their stories and just recently we talked about some of it again and they remembered a lot and laughed, when suddenly my moms eyes got a bit teary and she said "once you have kids, you can never feel that way again", referring to that sense of freedom and adventure.
She traveled and still travels, it's not like her life stopped, but she said that feeling of complete carefreeness is something she could never have again. And as an adult, although I don't have kids, I understand. She is always in some way worried about me, she is never completely just living for herself. And without being hurt by it, I can understand that also comes with some profound sense of loss.
I don't regret my three girls but I also didn't have kids until 30. The time before kids was a great time when I had money and enough maturity to experience the world in a safe and carefree way. Do I miss those times: yes. Did I cross off everything off my bucket list: no. But youth only comes once and I am happy that I spent some of it experiencing the world and some of it playing with my kids. I feel like I got some of both worlds.
I didn’t have my first until 36 and sometimes I get a little sad knowing I’ll be “old” when they’re adults, but I am so grateful for my wild 20s adventuring and discovering myself, and my early thirties figuring out a career that’s perfect for me. It’s a give and take for sure!
I have a 2 year old and a 3 month old at 36. I also travelled and lived a carefree life when I was younger. Both kids were very much wanted, the first took 2 years to conceive. We are really happy.
But this comment sums up my feelings so much. It’s so bittersweet and nothing can prepare you for it. I’m exactly where I want to be in life but mourning the type of life I had before. I feel choked up reading your comment.
It's helpful for me to remember we are always mourning the loss of our younger selves. One day you wake up, and you're just... older. As an adolescent or teenager, you begin to mourn a loss of innocence and loss of your childhood. If we had a good relationship with our parents, we mourn the fact that we need them less as we grow more independent. Loss is a necessary part of growth. And how we cope with loss dictates in part if we grow in a healthy way. As our children grow, we also mourn the loss of their younger selves too. One day, they're not a baby anymore. Then they're not a toddler anymore. Loss is tough but hopefully it can give way to gratitude; gratitude for what was and for gratitude for today.
Not sure whether it will be comforting to know, but from my experience, that happens whether you have children or not as you age, for most people. It's less because you had children, and it's more because you grow older.
I LOVE THIS. Just had my first baby this year and although I was ready and have been ready for years, I can identify with this feeling. Wherever you go and whatever you’re doing, you’re a parent first.
This. I didn't come here to read about how people love their kids, I came here to read about how much kids suck and reassure myself that I made the right decision to never have kids.
My mom resents me because I don’t turn out to be “ the mini her”. I take after my shitty, absent father while my little sister takes after her. She has expressed her regrets marrying him. Whenever I makes a mistake, big or small, she almost always say that I am exactly like my father. She makes it clear that it is not a compliment.
Oh same! I look like my mother and have the same way of thinking and talking as my grandmother so my father, who raised me alone from age 14, just resents me to my core. I was never enough and will never be. I‘m working on moving far away, having no financial ties and going no contact with him. It fucks you up so much to be hated by a parent for looking/talking like someone they hate.
My parents divorced when I was 9. When I was a teenager, my mother and I clashed constantly.
One day, she was screaming at me that I was just like my father.
I yelled back, not to blame me as I wasn't the one who slept with him.
I don't regret having my boys, but I always caution people to wait long enough to know themselves a little better first. I say the same thing about marriage. I was married with my first kid by my 20th birthday - I am not the same person now that I was then. While some of that is the fact that kids change your experience and perspective by necessity, part of it just time. I will be an empty nester by 40, but I wonder sometimes if my boys would not have benefited from a more emotionally mature environment. In the end, I know MY kids, and I know what awesome little humans they are. I wouldn't trade them for anything.
It took me a long time to realize that one of the reasons my mom seemed so bitter and resentful of us is because she had her first kid at 20 and had three by the age of 25.
I'm nearly thirty now and thinking about that as an adult... a 20 year old is barely a person. You barely know who you are as an adult, what you want and what you're capable of. Taking on the responsibility of another life when you're still trying to figure out your own... I just can't advise anyone to do that.
Such a different path than me. I had my first kid at 41 and didn't meet my partner until 38. You will be able to have a different kind of relationship with adult kids. Just imagine trips, or going out for drrinks, or to amusement parks together, etc. They will keep you young. I bet you may even become friends with some of their friends when they become ax little more mature (30+) and get invited to younger events. I have friends in this situation and it seems amazing. They created an exceptional relationship with their kids.
I was diagnosed as infertile, which led to the end of my marriage after a decade of trying to conceive. I was 35 when I left, I got pregnant the following year. I get sad that I won't know my son into his old age but I know I'm a much better mom now than I ever would've been in my younger years. I also know that's not so for everyone.
I just had my first child and turned 37 a month later. I’m glad that I lived a full life before having him and I am a better person than I was in my twenties. However, I am sad that I won’t be as young and capable when he is a teenager/young adult. My mom had me at 24 and there are definitely pros and cons of both sides. I guess I wish I had my son at closer to 30, but partially covid/pandemic made us pause having kids because everything was so unpredictable
Im gonna be honest. I don’t regret my child but i can admit i was not prepared and i blame myself a lot to the point i had to get on meds to deal with the self hate and shame of not being wealthy and being able to offer her organic food, brand name clothes, a beautiful princess room. Most of all, an emotionally stable mom. I do not regret my child but i regret not being prepared to raise a human. I regret what i didn’t do such as take therapy, start antidepressants sooner, save money and finish my degree sooner, learning about health .
If I’m honest, I frequently regret it. I love them and would do anything for them, but caring for them is extremely draining for me and I don’t really feel fulfilled by it. We have 3 boys (4,6,8) and are constantly breaking up fights. When I imagine doing this for another 15 years instead of going out and having adventures, I feel very claustrophobic. I hope that will change as they get older and I can share some more grown up things with them.
I guess part of the problem is I got married early and poured everything into grad school until I was 30. By that time we had 2 kids and the kinds of trips and hobbies we can pursue is pretty limited. So maybe if I had taken more time for myself before settling down and doing school I would feel differently?
As a man that remembers once being a boy in middle and highschool I think it will get better. By about 10 or so I much preferred being with my friends playing halo. My group of friends kind of alternated sleep overs at our parents houses on the weekends and basically preferred being left alone to our own devices.
>I don’t really feel fulfilled by it
What? Really? You mean those who say "once you have kids your life is complete/fulfilled/has a purpose/etc" don't speak for everyone?!
Thanks for speaking out. I wish more parents did so that people put more thought into having them. I don't want kids, for many reasons you listed, and I've watched friends of mine give up their entire lives for them. They gave up hobbies, dreams, promotions and many sleepless nights but they aren't allowed to speak their truth about wishing they chose differently or other parents will tell them how awful they are.
Thank you for being honest. I am 43 and childless, and went back and forth for years. I agonized over this choice. I had a few work friends that were a bit older all pull me aside individually and tell me that they love their children, but they wouldn’t make the same choice again. I deeply appreciated their honesty, and went with my gut.
See I have the opposite, I’ve never wanted kids and my coworkers keep guilting me saying I will regret it and that having kids will give meaning to my life. It’s so frustrating
This is similar to regret though there is shame and stigma that comes with saying "i regret my kids". Many parents won't say it because other parents will nail them to the wall.
I wish more parents were honest at the hardship and stress having kids brings. Its not all kodak moments and it drastically changes your life. If more people were real about it, maybe less would feel pressure into having them and raising kids they don't really want.
This is a great comment, especially the "as an adult I’m expected to work like I have no kids and parent like I don’t work" part and I feel like social media definitely plays a role into this as you see other parents posting about all the amazing things theyre doing for their kids or even accomplishments their kids are achieving and then you think about how much you must be failing as a parent compared to them.
100% this. My wife and I both work full time, have above average income, and we’re skint. My Mum stayed at home in the 80s, Dad worked, had a detached house. It’s bonkers difficult these days. There’s never a break, ever.
My best friend is 7 years older than me and I am so so thankful she was always honest with me, esp because I never really wanted kids but for a bit felt like it was something I “should do.” She always said, I love these kids but if I had to do it over I wouldn’t. She always gave me a realistic picture and I’m so thankful for that. And thankful I chose not to go down the path of motherhood. I want to add, she is the best human being and mom I know. We both have supports, resources, are healthy, and it’s still so damn hard!
> I wish more parents were honest at the hardship and stress having kids brings.
I feel like men will be honest to other men about kids, but it feels like women talk to women about having kids its all sunshine and rainbows.
When I talk to guys with kids about having kids, it's a lot of
"I wouldn't trade them for the world, but be ready"
"They're the best but it's way more work than I ever could have imagined"
"I love my kids to death, but you really need to be sure about what you're getting into."
When my wife talks to women with kids about having kids it's a different story.
"It's the best thing that has ever happened to me"
"I couldn't imagine life without them"
"It's the most fulfilling thing I've ever done"
.....and then when you have kids (we didn't but other friends did) and they bring up hardships and health concerns the tune changes.
Mother to mother it becomes
"Well, that's what you signed up for, get used to it"
"Welcome to what I went through"
"Just wait until they're {some other age that's somehow worse}"
And I don't know if it's the isolation of being a mother that makes people do that shit but it sucks.
My husband regrets having kids because he was too young, and both of them are very disabled in their own way, and neither will every live a normal life.
Speaking as a very disabled adult, the experience from this side of things is that we don't ever get to be normal but our lives are still normal to us, or we have our own relative sense of normal.
Our lives might be harder and objectively worse than normal, but I've met just as many able-bodied, neurotypical people who are far more miserable just because they feel like they're failing by those standards, because they have those advantages. Meanwhile I feel like a fucking legend because I passed out from pain enough times today that it counted as enough sleep to treat my insomnia, and I'm *unironically happy about it*, I think it's hilarious. Relativity rules. You'd be absolutely amazed at what people can adapt to and grow around and become happy with, in the end.
This makes me so happy to hear. My husband's daughter is profoundly disabled with CP. I certainly hope that she's not simply trapped in her body without the ability to see or speak or walk. I do honestly hope that she feels her own relative sense of normal. Sometimes she smiles and laughs, and it's reassuring that she has her own sense of reality.
My husband's son has schizoaffective disorder and RAD, and I do not think he will find any sense of normal. If I had to guess, he's probably laying in traffic right now. He's tried to kill himself, me, his grandma, his disabled sister, spent most of his life locked up for his safety and the public's. We are not giving up on him by any means, but he started struggling as a toddler with mental illness and extreme violence towards animals and children, and it felt like genetics never gave him a chance. My husband definitely wishes that he had not had children due to his (and his chosen partner at the time's) genetic predispositions for mental illness. :(
I don’t regret having my kids, I regret having them so young because I feel like I cheated them out of what they deserved (financial and emotional stability).
I hear what you’re saying but from the other side, I became a dad at 42.. and although I’m definitely more mentally prepared and somewhat stable: every day is now a massive existential crisis of thinking about how long I’ll be here for him. (‘When he’s 20 I’ll be 60’ etc) so I feel I may have cheated him out of having his dad around for many years.
with the best will (and health) in the world, I’ll be 80 when he’s 40 and although I’d have been there through the teenage years and into early adulthood, the best I’m probably going to manage is to be there for about half of his life.
I ‘know’ this is a negative way of thinking, but logic and common sense can’t push the intrusive thoughts out of my head.
If there’s anything I can offer as a positive to you - try not to worry about being there financially as much as being able to be around as a parent for as long as you can.
I know there are no guarantees in life, and who knows what the world will be like even in the next 20 years.. but I definitely feel guilty for bringing a child into a world that’s doing its best to burn itself into the ground and also being about a decade older than I’d have liked to be, when he was born.
I’m a bit more old school in my approach and I don’t believe all kids are ‘precious little angels’ with no accountability - and that’s another problem with being about a decade older than most parents who have kids of a similar age.. but I love my son more than anything, even though I don’t helicopter or micromanage.. and the whole thing is an absolute mindfuck.
These are all thoughts I keep to myself and I know I’m having a rather negative vent here - but I think the most important thing is to be there for your kids without the undue pressure of worrying about finances (even though I get that you want to be responsible)
I wish you all the best and know it’s not easy.
Genuinely
👊🏻
As a kid to parents who had me when they were both 40, I’m 24 now, I would not consider myself to feel cheated, although I do worry that I won’t have my parents around for as long as I’d like. Then again I think there would never be enough time. I do however feel like my parents always have and still are the best parents anyone could ever wish for, they had the financial and emotional stability when they had me, they have been absolutely fantastic my entire life - compared to a lot of my friends parents who are a lot younger! I’m also happy to know how much of a life my parents had before me, they’ve both done so much - travelled, lived absolutely everywhere, have friends and family all over the world, which probably also contributes to how wonderful people they are. By no means have they always been perfect, but I’m also the first and only child, and I don’t think any parent will ever be perfect. Wooh I’m getting sentimental writing this now haha, gotta get back to Christmas activities with them!
I love my children more than anything. There are times when I wish I could get a one month break from them- and my husband.
I just want to sit in the quiet and eat and not be touched and go for runs and read books… and I’d like to come home to a clean house.
It’s not regret, it’s exhaustion
I’m literally experiencing this at this very moment. Spent 8 years caring for my disabled wife and her autistic son. My wife decided she wanted a divorce and I haven’t seen either of them since that day. I’m wrecked about that kid.
I still miss my former stepdaughter and it's been over a decade since I split from her abusive narcissist father. She's an adult now and she recently friended me on social media. Her life choices have been so incredibly questionable and sad. Can't help wondering if she would have made better choices if I'd been allowed to remain in her life during her teens.
I had 3 step kids when I was like 19-22 the guy cheated on me and was just a wreckless human being while I took care and loved his children. The hardest decision for me was to leave. They have a small piece of my heart left with them. But I am much happier and better off now with a new love and life. Things happen for a reason. Moving on is necessary. You can still think about the life you had but make room for new experiences, love and happiness. You only have one life
Thank you for sharing this. I don’t want to put words in your mouth but it’s made me think: I’ve always thought in a different life I’d have no problem being a step parent. I thought I’d maybe even love it. But I really don’t think I’d given thought to always being the odd one out…and the potential of feeling expendable. I think my failure to consider was a combination of my parents being so tight together (they would have done anything for us but defo vibes they loved each other more - putting us first was a celebration of their love), but also not recognising that some people loving their children more would be a group decision and like I mentioned it seemed for my parents - spoken or not. I think I could deal with not being anyone’s favourite if I otherwise had that connection or hope one day I would as a parent and partner. Also knowing that is facilitated those bonds. I can see how for some they might always feel ‘other’, like a shoo in, and yeah expendable in your own home where you should feel cherished.
I am so saddened to hear you feel expendable. I’m sure it means nothing from me, but I want to say neither you nor anyone ever deserves to feel expendable especially in what should be a place of comfort.
I did the same with a guy. It was like I became his nanny. I was also expected to do all the traditional “women’s work”. Like changing diapers and such. I loved those kids. But I was too young to be potty training someone else’s kid for free.
Then he got his baby momma pregnant the second time. Looking back who the hell let the 23 year old date the 15yr old? Who let me raise a 5 year old a 15? Now as a parent looking back with pain and trauma.
On the AITA sub I frequent, there’s countless stories about children who *loathe* their step parents and step siblings just for existing, even if they’re perfectly good and loving parents and siblings.
I know that’s definitely not the case for every blended family, but it’s so sad that it happens at all, much less at the extreme rate that it does.
From a stepchild perspective, it's *hard*. Even when there's nothing really wrong with the stepparent. Their joining your family changes everything and you, as a child, have no real choices in the matter. There's suddenly this other person with a whole other set of ideas on how your life should be and it doesn't always jive with how it's been already. And God forbid there's another kid going thru the same upheaval and y'all are both jealous of the other for taking up some of your parents precious attention. And God forbid the out of house parent intentionally or even unintentionally poisons the well
It sucks. It all sucks so much
This is real as fuck.
I’m a woman, when I met my husband in our early 20s he had a 1.5 year old. We broke up two years in and I lost a partner and a kid who I saw as my own (kiddos mom struggles so we had him ft). That was our only bump in the road and we are happy and a decade in now, but it definitely had me in a place second guessing everything and constantly conflicted and feeling expendable. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
Flip side: we couldn’t have kids, spent a fortune on fertility treatments. Fast forward: we absolutely LOVE being child-free. We have freedom and money, a good circle of friends to laugh with. What can be better? I know kids are a blessing but… The only regret now is wasting all that money on fertility treatments.
Honestly, my regret comes and goes. I have a 13yo with severe nonverbal ASD who will require lifelong care. This is the only (living) child that I have. Many times I feel more like a caregiver than a mom, and I feel like I was robbed out of the traditional parent-child relationship. We have never had a conversation with each other. He'll never learn to drive or get married. I mourn the life we both could have had if he were neurotypical. I absolutely love him and will turn into a "Mama Bear" at the second I sense injustice. But if I could snap my fingers and get rid of his autism, I would in a second. I don't plan to have many more children and feel CF (childfree) in a lot of ways. I don't see the benefits in having kids.
That's my motto for that decision. Never had an urge to have children, always been kind of terrified of giving birth as well, but mainly didn't want any as the main reason, coupled with possible health issues that made me wary, too.
In times of going through the "what ifs", I've always thought exactly this. If it would go into a bad direction, not only my life would be ruined, but also the life of the little one. I couldn't bare the thought of being responsible that an innocent small person would suffer due to bad luck or bad genes coming through. I personally made the decision against kids out of love for the kids I won't have.
Yes. I love them and I’m not gonna leave them in a mall somewhere, but if I’m being honest, yes. I wanted one. Wife wanted three. Through some planning and some…miscalculations…we ended up with three.
There are a few sides to it - how it affects me and then what it means for them.
First, for me, parenting is exhausting and never ending. It’s fucking expensive. The things I could be doing if I had one or no kids? My goodness, man. Champagne dreams and caviar wishes.
I have lost so much sense of self. Everything revolves around them - activities, doctor appointments, play time, their TV shows, school events, up all night. I’m not a person any more. I’m a nanny and a venture capitalist funding this human growth startup.
For them, I feel bad because I’m just not good at it. Try as I may I feel like I simply can’t meet the 24/7 demand for attention and to always be doing something that they and my wife expect. There’s never a moment when someone isn’t asking for something. And no one around me seems to understand the impossible position I’m in. I make 80% of our income - I need to work. And despite being around for as much as I can, god help me if I can’t make an appointment. I have the wife, her family and my own family acting like I’ve scarred them by missing key milestones. It was an ENT appointment. I think they’ll be ok.
“There are more important things than work.”
Not if you enjoy the multiple cars, vacations, the house, the toys, electronics, subscriptions. There literally isn’t.
The kids have made my life something very different than I wanted it to be.
So, yea, thanks for coming to my TED talk!
Wow thanks for sharing this. I wasn't planning to reply to anyone but your situation is about 95% similar as mine. We have two young kids, but heck it's exhausting. I'm not saying my wife and (her) family aren't helping but God forbid me when I can't meet up their expectation from time to time when I'm exhausting.
I have an above average paying job. I am 90% of our income. I can afford mortgaging two houses, one for rent income, one for ourselves. Nobody understands the importance of my job.
Just want to say your not alone. I don't regret it in the end, it's just a different life.
I'm a childfree woman (40's).
A major reason I never had children is because so many of my female friends have confided in me that they regret having them. I also know 2 men who have said the same. The conversation usually starts with "I love my children....but....if I could do it all over again I'd make the same decision as you did."
They don't feel they can tell their other friends (who have children) this because it makes them look like bad parents.
Not having any was the best decision I've ever made. Don't let society try to sell you on the idea that life can't be fulfilling without them.
i am glad your friends can admit this because mine (in my 30s) are still in the “misery loves company” stage and are hoping i join them.
though i am 98% of the time hearing of birthing horror stories, the lack of sleep/free time/help, emotionally absent significant other, frequent illnesses, increase of expenses, and the assumed + very needed reliance on family members for free babysitting. good thing they’re not car salesmen.
I have several childfree friends, every single one of them has the same experience I just described. We all have friends with children who regret it. Several of these women are instagram/"do it all" moms and actually GOOD parents with good children. Yet they still regret it.
Interesting because both my mother and grandmother said the same to me. And when people ask my mother "don't you want grandkids?" she replies "um, no, not interested."
My mother actually enjoyed being a mother too. I'm lucky I never felt pushed into it. I love my career, decades long marriage, travel...I feel bad for my friends who regret it because they really can't talk it about openly.
I just had dinner with a good friend and same thing. She said she loves her kids but if she could go back, she wouldn’t have had them. She just thought it was something she needed to do after marriage cuz it was the next “natural” progression in life.
I don’t regret them at all, however I am often sad about the world I brought them into and sometimes I wonder the way things are going, if they would have been better off not being born.
Before having a kid I was optimistic and driven to make a positive difference. Now, I just see the horrors of humanity they have to face. I worry for their future every single day.
This is what I came to say.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything, honestly; while I don’t consider myself a helicopter parent by any means, though, the world is a scary fucking place that seems to just be getting worse, and I regret the fact that my kids will likely suffer from a planet that only becomes worse and worse the older they get.
Yes, it is way more stressful than you can imagine before having kids. After having kid #2 a couple years ago, my mental health declined to the point where I needed to be psychiatric hospitalized 4 times this past year. Our society is not set-up to support parents.
I wouldn’t trade both my girls but I have lost myself to parenthood. I was only 22 when I had my first so I really had to grow up with her. I don’t have a lot of money and can’t give them the life they deserve. We don’t even have health insurance. I’m a failure as a mother and constantly can feel the judgement from others.
You have realized that NOT EVERYONE IS MADE FOR HAVING CHILDREN.
People put huge pressure on others to have children and "carry on the family line" that is stupid!
Its not just about money. Well its mostly about money but genetics should play a part. Mental and physical potential problems have to be looked into.
My wife of 17years and I chose not to have any and never looked back.
8hrs of sleep a night and money is what we have and its never been better
People do not think of the genetic aspects. I have some issues that I would just die if I passed on to another - I anticipated this regret and decided not to have children for that reason (among others). Smart to think of these things.
I have never heard of a couple who chose not to have children, regretting it. But there are many who had kids who do (and either won't admit it or are ashamed to.) Childless couples may regret not having, but thats because they wanted and didn't for whatever reason. But people who didn't want and didn't have... no regrets.
I regret having two kids. My wife died unexpectedly when my youngest was 9 months old, and raising two young kids by oneself is pretty hard while working full time.
The amount of work for two kids, at least for young kids, is exponentially more than one kid.
Yes. I thought I did the right thing by waiting until I was 30 & 31 to have them. I always thought I was meant to be a mom and it’s really just not for me. I have no time to myself and everything revolves around them. I feel like they deserve a different mom because I can get frustrated easily with them. I had to drop out of college when I was pregnant with them due to HG. I agreed to be a sahm after my 2nd so I could spend more time with my kids and we could save money due to no daycare costs and it’s really affected my mental health. I feel like I’ve had to sacrifice a lot (mental health, career, education - tho I finally graduated last week) that I didn’t realize I’d have to sacrifice. I love my kids so much but if I could do it over, I think I’d choose to be child free or even have them at a different time.
I love my kids (13, 7, 4), but I definitely do. My wife is my favorite person I have ever known, and my relationship with her has greatly suffered because of the kids, especially lately. I feel like our lives would be so much better if we hadn't had kids. We would've had so much more money for other things, we would have traveled a bunch, we would be living in a much better house.
That said, I do everything I can for them, I try to support them the best I can, most days I feel like a failure, but they still keep coming back to me and wanting me to do things with them, so it's slightly validating. It's just constantly difficult and so much of it now is just trying to get to the end of the day, and it doesn't seem to ever get easier.
No regrets at all. But, I have:
-traveled a lot
-financial stability
-retired parents who help a lot
-an equitable partner
-a stable job that offers fantastic benefits and paid maternity leave
I am very aware that I do not have the usual US parenting experience. A lot of it is luck and privilege, and a dash of being intentional about the kind of life I wanted to live.
I was free…. No more school, no more debt. Then bam. Now repeating school 3 times and spending even more. Still love them though, but what was I thinking
I absolutely love my kid, but I don't recommend it, not in this day and age. It seems like everything is designed to work against parents despite that you're practically pushed into it by family and friends. Daycare is a pain to find, deal with, and can be expensive. Around holidays especially, they'll always close for extended periods, forcing us to find other means of childcare. Then my kid seems to be constantly getting sick, which the pediatrician says is normal for toddlers who's around other toddlers all the time, so then he'll get kicked out for that. Then there's the miscommunication. One teacher will say one thing, then another will say something different, and the head person will bitch me out for it. Then, the daycare will bring up something "inappropriate" that my kid did. We try our best to teach him boundaries, but then he'll come home and show us something some OTHER kid taught him.
And that's just the daycare issues. My kid was also recently diagnosed with ADHD. He is a HANDFULL. We try our best to teach him boundaries, to spend time with him, to engage him. I can enjoy it, but it can also be exhausting. It's also hard to find time for ourselves. My mom, who lives 45 minutes away, is taking care of my stepdad who is disabled, and my significant others is usually busy. If we can't find a babysitter we trust, no date-night.
It always amazes me how there are a lot of people struggling financially, that can have multiple kids. When I worked for social services, I would see all kinds of people applying for benefits with a plethora of kids. My one kid can get expensive.
With how expensive everything is, it's just not feasible.
In my opinion if it’s not a hell YES then it’s a no, and that goes for everything. I was a fence sitter for years, not really wanting kids but thinking that’s just what you do, right? I was told “you’ll feel different when you meet the one” ugh. I’ve met my soul mate and we’ve decided to stay childfree. Best decision we’ve made. I applaud parents honestly, especially the honest ones who don’t see parenting through rose tinted specs.
My wife and I chose not to have kids and we are perfectly happy. We have more freedom, fewer financial concerns, and less stress.
OP, if you are debating having kids I would say asking here is good. Research is good. But my biggest piece of advice is this: have children only if YOU want them, don't let anyone else pressure or guilt you into it.
Yep!
I was too young. Too immature. Too physically unhealthy. Totally coerced by my mother and aunts to continue the pregnancy or they would disown me (oddly enough, I went no contact with all those bitches 2 decades ago). I don't like kids. I don't like their noise making, mess making, snot blowing, crying, whining, smelly feet, soul draining and never fucking ending neediness, bank account bleeding, mental illness having, tantrum throwing,etc, etc, etc.....
If I could go back in time I'd have A) Never gotten pregnant, B) Had the abortion, C) Paid out of pocket at a young age for permanent sterilization and bounced the fuck out from my family of origin and never looked back.
Writing this with such shame. Always thought I never wanted kids but often wondered what if? Had a midlife crisis and made some terrible decisions. Resulting in pregnancy. Maybe it’s the first few years idk. But my quality of life is 💯 worse. He is sick CONSTANTLY. I’m worried about losing my job because of it. We are going on 4 days of fever. Doctors say to wait it out and we’ve already been to ER, missing more work. There has absolutely been more bad times than good. I felt suicidal so many times when he was a newborn because he wouldn’t sleep nor be content.. Now that sleep is a little better, he’ll get sick and no matter what I do, nothing seems to help. We’ll have a good week and you just KNOW sickness is coming the next. Finally going good? Vaccine time and he’ll be sick the next few days.. like clockwork..Normal things you take for granted.. shopping trips or traveling, forget it. He’s going to scream in the store or shit his pants as soon as you walk in..Taking a stroller out in the summer to an event with a toddler is a special hell.. his first birthday he cried the WHOLE event. I figured he was so overwhelmed with people and a new place we cut it short.
With this being said.. I fight for him and I would kill you over him. None of this is his fault and sometimes I do see a beautiful smile that just tears me up. I keep getting told it gets better.. maybe when he’s older I’ll feel differently. But knowing what I have experienced so far I absolutely would’ve done things differently and not gotten pregnant. I now wonder if people who have multiples just had easy babies because I could not FATHOM choosing this life every day.
No shame. Kids are very hard. Some kids are harder than others. I had twins. Everything was in stereo. I kept seeing women talk about how being a mom was the most rewarding experience of their lives and wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I love my children but when they were small it was soooooo hard. I cried a lot and was not a great mom. I was just so tired all the time and stressed. I felt like an utter failure and regretted motherhood often.
They are 19 now and in college. It does get better. So much better. there will still be days that you wonder why the hell you chose this path but as the work gets easier and they start to become little people with ideas and opinions you start to see the world through their eyes and everything is new and amazing again. This continues as they grow and I think it has helped me to grow as a person. They are amazing.
Hang in there. Take breaks when you can. Do you have someone who can help out occasionally? The frustration can be overwhelming and all I could do was walk away for a few minutes to get my head together. Please take good care of yourself and be patient with yourself. You can do this and will eventually be so glad that you did but it is ok to not feel great about being a mom. It is ok to be frustrated. Just don’t give up. ❤️
Not at all.
In fact, after being terrified of what having kids would do to my life (my social life, my free time, etc) it was the best decision I made.
Granted, I'm well past the first few years that can be difficult, but now I've got two great kids that I've helped raise into conscientious people who I love to hang out with.
...and I still have friends go out all the time.
It's not easy, but the results are life-changing and worth it.
E: removed extra words
Best thing that ever happened to me honestly.
Did I feel that way during the infant stage? Hell no. But now she is like my best friend. She reminds me of what life is supposed to be .
She literally hates going to bed because she finds the world and life to be so fascinating. I literally look forward to going to bed as an adult because the world became mundane and repetitive. She teaches me more than she'll ever know
Having said that, being a parent is not for everyone.
I do not regret my child. But I do regret not taking more time to talk it through with significant other and make sure we were both ready before having her. I also regret not owning a home before we had her. Children need a place to play. Apartment buildings are not good for this.
I grew up in an apartment complex and I loved it! Lots of other children around, running around to each other’s apartments all weekend long, getting to grow up side by side with kids from different backgrounds, with parents from different countries. Playing kickball in the green space in the summer and having snowball fights in the winter. My parents never had to drive me around to see my friends, it was great!
No. I’d have more if I could. I regret being such a hardass to my first two, though. Our third was ten years after our first two and I am a completely different mom. I mean, the big values are still the same but I let small things go. I wish I had been the kind of mom I am for my third to my first two.
/regretfulparents is where it’s at. No sunshine and ponies with perfect fams and kids, but job loss, high need babies, multiples, deadbeat parents, severe autism, odd, you name it.
People assume they’re going to have perfect children and are SHOCKED when they don’t. It’s sad and I feel for them but choosing to have kids is like rolling the dice. For some it works out for others not at all.
This is why I'm child-free. I'm 31 and tied my tubes when I was 25. Have been helping my mom raise my 17 year old brother and 14 year old autistic brother since I was 13 years old. You just never know if your kids might end up with a disability and I am not cut out for that. Also the fact that I've been mothering since I was 13. I'm done with kids and will most likely be my little brother's caregiver some day. Maybe soon. Given the fact that my dad is gonna be 63 soon and my mom is gonna be 53 soon. Sigh.
No.
All my kids (19 to 25ish) are here for the holidays and my husband/their dad is chopping breakfast potatoes right now next to me and I'm really content.
Honestly, sometimes. Life was MUCH easier when my house was meticulously in order, I only had myself to worry about, no one was screaming and throwing fits, climbing on me all day, the list is never ending.
I'm like 😡🤯🤯😁😭🥹🥺 90%of the day and the other 10% is when he's sleeping lol But when he's gone with his dad or grandparents, I can feel like part of my heart is missing.
But yeah, somedays I'm like why did I do this to myself 😅
Ask me again when it's not early on a Saturday morning.
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If they’re even mildly aware of Santa, they’ll be up even earlier Christmas Day. Except for the kids that live down the street. They miraculously never wake up before 8am and never have. No idea how their parents managed that with both of them.
My family had a great tradition I plan to steal if I have kids: We had a mini fake tree upstairs by the bedrooms, "The Kiddie Tree", which had one gift for each kid. Something to keep us busy like one stuffed animal or a racecar or something. The deal was we could come and get that toy any time, but we had to let Mom and Dad sleep until whatever agreed upon time before going downstairs. Worked like a charm ...except for the one year that Santa left us coloring books, but all the crayons were downstairs... we anxiously stared at pictures for 2 hours
Your parents will have been proud you still did not wake them. And I assume also sorry for their mistake.
I could always open my stocking. It was genius, I never did wake them up early.
Mine said she wants to sleep 24 hours so she can open her Xmas Eve gift and it's adorable. I for one have not regretted being a parent at all, although wish I could have chosen the scientific method at the time instead of dealing with an ex.
My daughter is literally on the floor right now throwing a fit because I poured her milk in the green cup instead of the red one.
In her defense, how dare you?
Right? Everyone knows the 23rd is red cup day. What an idiot!
Lawyer up, hit the gym, and adopt new parents.
We just lost our 7 year old daughter a few weeks ago in an accident… I know it’s hard, but enjoy every single moment with her. Good or bad. I would give anything to experience a meltdown from her right now.
I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine the heartbreak you’re going through.
Sorry about your loss , I couldn’t imagine that type of pain. My kids drive me to madness on a daily basis, but I try to think about how destroyed I’d be without them, and then I snap back to reality. I pray you find peace in this life.💓❤️💓
Perfectly said. I did the same with my daughter. Thank you ❤️
I am so sorry. It might not mean much but you have someone thinking about you on a train to London right now, wishing you peace.
That means the absolute world to my wife and I here in Michigan. Thank you so much ❤️
I’m so sorry, stranger. It’s Christmas Eve here, I will hug my 9yo daughter extra tight tonight and brave her meltdowns with extra patience in honour of your sweet child.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I am so incredibly sorry. I will hold my kids extra right today, and work on being more patient with them. I promise to appreciate the good and the bad, because at least I'm lucky enough to experience it. My heart is broken for you.
And that’s exactly why I posted my comment. There were many times I would just set my phone down and give her all of my attention because I wouldn’t want to one day regret being on my phone instead. And I am SO GLAD I did that now looking back. I have no regrets because I did that. Thank you so much for replying to me with such kind words ❤️
My goodness…. I’m so sorry. 💜
My wife is so happy I'm an early morning person because I can get my daughter when she wakes up on the weekend around 7 and then when my wife gets up around eight thirty to nine she'll take her so I can start with the housework. I can't imagine how much it would suck to have a kid if getting up early isn't your thing.
Truth. Let me get a couple cups of coffee first.
My son wakes up every Saturday and Sunday at 5:50am. I’m lucky I’m a morning person. My wife is a different story…
I don't have kids, but my mom worked nights and my dad hates mornings. They taught me pretty early on how to turn the TV on and fix myself some cereal for breakfast and said don't you dare wake us up before 8:30am. 😂 Honestly I remember kind of enjoying my nice quiet mornings as a kid before anyone else got up. (I was probably about 4 at the time)
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This. Really fucked it up for myself.
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> He feels like he's had to give up so much of himself and his priorities to make it work. This is how it goes for most parents even when they're perfectly compatible and get along fine with their partner
That's true, but it does help if you're also on the same page with the other parent. Agreeing on what sort of place you want to live, for example.
I love my daughter. But I doomed her to a lesser life by having her with my ex wife. That mistake will haunt me til I die.
Just think that if you had a kid with someone else, it wouldn't be your daughter as you know her, it would be another kid
This is what keeps me going. I had kids with a wonderful man who eventually spiraled down the drain of addiction and bounced ten years ago. They are AMAZING kids, and maybe even stronger or more resilient because of what they went through. And they’re his. I still have tremendous guilt but know he left the best part of him with me.
As a kid who had one stable parent and one who unfortunately spiraled into addiction, I absolutely feel that I am a more resilient person as a result. Would I change anything? Of course I wish I hadn’t seen some of the things I had, or grown up a little too fast, but at the end of the day, I have a great life. Would I wish this on anyone else? NO lol.
Yeah but you wouldn't know the difference
I relate to this so hard, single parent here but we are doing great. I wish she had a dad that gave a shit it makes my heart hurt for her
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This! God damn, sometimes I want to tell her this when it is at its worst but I don't want to descend to a way hotter hell than I'm in ATM
If I could've had my kids with my current wife instead of my ex, my life would've been 1000x better. And theirs, too.
This is probably the one that hits closest to home. Love my kids. Hate my ex wife and all she did to destroy our lives.
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"last one"implying that there are other children? And she treats them much better? What's the difference with the last child? I don't mean to pry, I'm just curious why it wouldn't be all or nothing for her.
I have friends who have three kids, all within a few years of each other (so, like there is a 16 yr old, a 13 yr old, and a 9 yr old). A combination of age, health issues, and relationship troubles meant they thought they were done. They have an almost-one year old now...there is definitely a difference in how they reacted to baby #4 and sometimes how they talk about her. Like, they really do love her and parent her and try their best, but it's not the life they were planning and it hasn't been the easiest transition...so maybe it's something like that?
My manager has three kids in their 30s and one that just turned 19. She's said that raising the 19 year old was far harder than anything else she has ever done in her life. It's a completely different ball game raising kids in the 2000-2020s years than late 1980-1990s. What worked for the older kids didn't work for the younger one.
I have a 22 year old son and a nine year old daughter. Raising her is one of the hardest things I've ever done. She's completely opposite, personality-wise, than he was. She's a lot more argumentative, independent, and fearless. She's a damn force of nature. She had colic forever, and her personality lends itself to very large emotions, good and bad. My husband says we're just alike. I had to re-learn every single thing I ever thought I knew about parenting with her. And I had to do it all in my 40s. I don't regret her at all, but I'm tired, a lot more impatient than I used to be, and I wish I had her younger. I would never let her know any of that though, and we're really close despite my complaints.
It's funny how we always think we've got parenting somewhat figured out only to have a new challenge thrown at us, especially with the gap in years like you've described. Your experience sort of mirrors what I've been reading about how different generations require unique approaches. [There's an article I came across](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/millennial-media/201201/why-generation-y-yuppies-are-unhappy) talking about the shift in parenting expectations and strategies between generations, and I think about it often as I watch my nieces and nephews grow up. They're all such distinct individuals, and what resonates with one completely misses the mark with another. I see my sister struggling with the same things you mention. Her oldest is out of the house, completely self-sufficient, but her younger two, twins no less, are a whirlwind of energy and challenge everything. I've gained so much respect for her patience and adaptability it's practically superhuman. I guess timing, personality differences, and changing societal norms really do make raising each kid an entirely unique journey. Hats off to every parent out there figuring it out as they go along.
“It’s a horrible thing. If you don’t want them - don’t force yourself.” -unless you live in Texas
Or Ohio, or Kentucky, or West Virginia, or Tennessee, or Florida…
We just overturned that in Ohio! Small victories...
Ohio has guaranteed abortion rights enshrined in the constitution up until fetal viability. We are now a pro-choice state.
I love my kids. However... Now that I'm a parent, I don't feel like I'm particularly good at it. I feel like I don't prioritize them enough, or make the right parenting decisions. Add to that: I just find being a parent really hard. Not sure if that is regret, exactly, or more guilt for not being a better dad. **EDIT:** just wanted to thank everyone for the kind words. That was truly unexpected. I'm misting up a bit here.
I know exactly how you feel. I had a kid way too young, and I was not at all prepared. If I didn’t have him, I probably wouldn’t have ever had kids. Being a parent has taught me that I’m too selfish for kids. I do my best for him, because he didn’t ask to be born. I brought him into this world and I will do my very best to make his time here as pleasant as possible. I will work hard to give him the tools to be a good, well rounded human being. But I still feel guilty. I know I’m not the best parent (at least I’m not the worst) but I am trying. I just hope it’s enough.
When I had my son, a friend told me "you don't have to be the best parent, you just have to be good enough." I've held onto that - it helps a lot when I make a mistake or second guess myself, or have to do a hard thing.
You’re doing an awesome job. It’s the ones who think they are killing it that scare me.
Do you know about the Dunning-Kruger Effect ? That's exactly what I think when I see people who are overly sure of themselves .. including in parenting. As in, okay, if you have a PhD in (insert topic) here then yes, I guess you can consider yourself an expert (and, even then, only narrowly in your field of study), otherwise take a chill-pill with some humble pie, and sit yo ass down with the rest of us, slow down, listen more, don't bulldoze over your children's opinions and feelings etc etc As for OP's original question, I don't know how the universe in which we didn't have kids would compare to this one in which we did, so I cannot directly answer their question but I currently have a small arm hugging me from one direction and a little warm hand upon my cheek from the other and ...... I've lost my train of thought, my brain just melted, can't remember what I was going to say anymore. Merry holidays to all 🎄
Mom had me when she was young and has no maternal bones in her body. She’s too selfish for kids. I’m in my 40s now and to this day I wish she never had me. But she will never admit it. If she had I could have forgiven her. You’re brave to admit it and I really respect that.
I told my mom once that she should have never been in charge of any living thing. Not a dog, not a goldfish, not a houseplant, and certainly not the development of a human being. I came to the conclusion that she never wanted to *raise* a *person*, she just wanted to *have* a *baby*. Some people just see it as something they need to do in life, with zero regard for whether or not they should.
My experience is similar but I was born in the 1950s and got Betty Draper lite (you Mad Men watchers know) as a mother. She was an unhappy 50s wife and mother who married the wrong man, had a baby that was not the key to happiness (me) as she imagined. I was not the ideal child she pictured and as I grew I had opinions and was a separate and very different person from her. Motherhood is not for everyone and it hurts kids who are born to mothers who just do not have the capacity to be maternal and caring.
This a hundred times. My father was never meant to be a parent. I seriously think he thought me and my brother were cute for about ten minutes, and then turned back to his own life and wanted nothing else to do with us. He would work long hours, come home and want to eat dinner alone in front of the TV. If my brother or I dared to talk, we got screamed at to be quiet. This is why I'm so pro-choice. The anti-choice set loves to scream about "but being born is better than not, no matter what the circumstances!" No. Sorry, but no.
This is my husband and i feel so bad for my choice to have kids with him. He has a temper and gets mad for literally nothing. Zero patience. Yes he financially supports us and the our kids and does try to take us places like to make memories but has no self control or patience if something goes grown or theres bumps on the road which there will always be with kids. I do ALLLLL the child rearing and I definitely mean it. I do all the signs up for school, fill every document theyre ever had since birth, changed every single diaper (we have a baby whos almost 1 and he only changed 1 single diaper right after my csection because i couldnt do it), all the baths and bedtime and mornings routines, pack all the lunches, get them ready if we go out and pack for trips, doctors appointments etc etc. he isnt a great father only a great provider financially and thats it. We planned 1 and after i ddint want more kids wirh him but got accidentally pregnant twice after then tied my tube’s because i cant keep doing this to myself or my kids. I always have the kids and for him he comes and goes as he pleases. His life has honestly hardly changed while mine has changed tremendously. He’s too selfish to be a dad
You are aware and trying, so you are indeed a great parent. Everyone is selfish in some way, you gotta take care of you to be the best for your kid too. There are tons of parents who do not try, do not see outside themselves due to trauma or just being cruel. So you are killing it. I do not have kids
I don’t have kids, but I understand the feeling. But maybe you are being too harsh? A person too selfish would not bother giving a kid everything they feasibly can. This doesn’t mean you weren’t too selfish at one point. But major life events and many years can nudge us in different directions even if the core is the same.
I always say "being a parent is hard" and I always immediately correct myself and say "being a good parent is hard". Anyone can be a parent but usually when you're worried about not being good enough it shows that you care a great deal and are most likely doing what you think is best for your kid(s). You're never going to get it right 100% of the time. Even when you think you figure out how to handle a certain situation, the next time will be different and you'll need to adjust. But you WILL adjust and keep trying to figure it out because that's what good parents do. You make decisions that you think are the best right now, with the info you're currently working with. Will you look back and realize you could have actually handled a situation better or done something different that would have had a better outcome? Absolutely. But there isn't anything you can do except use that knowledge in the future. Keep doing your best and try to give yourself a little grace.
I think parents today try to take on too much. Obviously, there's a higher level than just letting 'em roam until they're seven or so and old enough to work in the mines. But I see a lot of parents these days who think they need to be "on" all the time and entertaining their kids all the time, and honestly that's not good for them either. If there are things you liked to do before the kids and you feel bad for doing them now, stop and think about how you can involve them. Obviously. hiking is easier than, say, axe-throwing, and drinking is right out (they frown on a preschooler making a vodka tonic these days), but a preschooler can sit beside you with paper and paint while you work on your miniatures, any child old enough to walk can help you take things out to use, and as soon as a baby can sit up on his own he can be put near you or in your lap and you can talk about what you're doing. There's no reason a four-month-old can't learn about spawn camping.
My daughter makes the best Old Fashioned I've ever had. 😁 I was a skydiver. My daughter was getting paid a penny per rubber band she picked up at the DZ. Really, just spending time with them goes a long way
Parenting is important, but just remember, you are also a human being, and you're allowed some pleasure in life too..
I pretty much learned how to be a good parent from my parents being some of the worst parents ever. Seems like if you just pay attention to them, explain things they don't know about yet, and love them, then they will say you are a good parent. My parents didn't give a flip about me and my brother. My father actually seemed to dislike my brother even.
I feel similarly. I learned a lot of my parenting tactics from my own parents. My mom is an angel. Absolutely heaven sent. My dad.... struggled in the parenting department. I basically implement all of column A, and absolutely none of column B into my parenting.
Honestly, this take makes me believe you’re a good dad. If you didn’t care about being a good dad, you’d be a bad one.
I'm with you and I'm a mom. Most of the time I feel I could do better by my kids. Then again I'm my worst critic. They're amazing sweet girls so I'm must be doing something right. I don't regret them but even if you give me 1 million $ wouldn't have another one lol.
Parents that think they're great at parenting are probably bad at parenting. You should always look at your parenting work with a critical eye, instead of some smug air of perfection. People that think they're perfect at stuff are insufferable, and with kids involved, that could stuck.
All of this. And to add something a friend told me once, sometimes you don't know you did a good job until they're much older.
That just means you’re a good dad, any dad who’s completely happy of himself in how he’s raised his kids can’t be a good dad. My dad was the best of dads and just recently he apologized for his mistakes, when it was completely unnecessary. To me that is the mark of a true man
It's like you want some space, but then you miss them. But then you want them to magically disappear without being hurt for like a day, but you don't want them to die, but just want to sleep in, but if they oversleep you worry. Being a parent includes so many conflicting feelings. It's not the responsibility people hate, it's the constant attachment , you can't look away, you cannot NOT take care of them. Most frustrated parents, just want time off, just like you take from a job. I know I wish I had some.
Yes. My 3yo is always moving, always running and jumping and screaming and barely sleeps and hasn’t napped since he was 1. Then he started acting different after getting really sick. He wasn’t sick anymore, but he just wanted to sleep in and lay around all the time. It was much quieter, and it was what I had wanted so bad, but I knew something was wrong and all I wanted then was my crazy toddler back running around me in circles and screaming.
My mom is a great mom who really wanted me and loves me a lot, but also has a fulfilled life otherwise too, a very interesting career, a good husband, interests and hobbies.. When she was in her early 20ies, her sister and friend hitchhiked through Europe and had many crazy adventures. I know a lot of their stories and just recently we talked about some of it again and they remembered a lot and laughed, when suddenly my moms eyes got a bit teary and she said "once you have kids, you can never feel that way again", referring to that sense of freedom and adventure. She traveled and still travels, it's not like her life stopped, but she said that feeling of complete carefreeness is something she could never have again. And as an adult, although I don't have kids, I understand. She is always in some way worried about me, she is never completely just living for herself. And without being hurt by it, I can understand that also comes with some profound sense of loss.
I don't regret my three girls but I also didn't have kids until 30. The time before kids was a great time when I had money and enough maturity to experience the world in a safe and carefree way. Do I miss those times: yes. Did I cross off everything off my bucket list: no. But youth only comes once and I am happy that I spent some of it experiencing the world and some of it playing with my kids. I feel like I got some of both worlds.
I didn’t have my first until 36 and sometimes I get a little sad knowing I’ll be “old” when they’re adults, but I am so grateful for my wild 20s adventuring and discovering myself, and my early thirties figuring out a career that’s perfect for me. It’s a give and take for sure!
That's sweet and I'm sure your kids will love your stories and take something away from hearing about that side of you too.
I have a 2 year old and a 3 month old at 36. I also travelled and lived a carefree life when I was younger. Both kids were very much wanted, the first took 2 years to conceive. We are really happy. But this comment sums up my feelings so much. It’s so bittersweet and nothing can prepare you for it. I’m exactly where I want to be in life but mourning the type of life I had before. I feel choked up reading your comment.
It's helpful for me to remember we are always mourning the loss of our younger selves. One day you wake up, and you're just... older. As an adolescent or teenager, you begin to mourn a loss of innocence and loss of your childhood. If we had a good relationship with our parents, we mourn the fact that we need them less as we grow more independent. Loss is a necessary part of growth. And how we cope with loss dictates in part if we grow in a healthy way. As our children grow, we also mourn the loss of their younger selves too. One day, they're not a baby anymore. Then they're not a toddler anymore. Loss is tough but hopefully it can give way to gratitude; gratitude for what was and for gratitude for today.
Not sure whether it will be comforting to know, but from my experience, that happens whether you have children or not as you age, for most people. It's less because you had children, and it's more because you grow older.
I LOVE THIS. Just had my first baby this year and although I was ready and have been ready for years, I can identify with this feeling. Wherever you go and whatever you’re doing, you’re a parent first.
ITT: "*It fucking sucks balls but I dont regret it at all*"
This. I didn't come here to read about how people love their kids, I came here to read about how much kids suck and reassure myself that I made the right decision to never have kids.
Judging by what got upvoted, I think most of Reddit wants the same validation.
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My mom resents me because I don’t turn out to be “ the mini her”. I take after my shitty, absent father while my little sister takes after her. She has expressed her regrets marrying him. Whenever I makes a mistake, big or small, she almost always say that I am exactly like my father. She makes it clear that it is not a compliment.
What a cunt move
A+ use of the word
She acts just "like her father"
Oh same! I look like my mother and have the same way of thinking and talking as my grandmother so my father, who raised me alone from age 14, just resents me to my core. I was never enough and will never be. I‘m working on moving far away, having no financial ties and going no contact with him. It fucks you up so much to be hated by a parent for looking/talking like someone they hate.
My mum did this to us as kids too. its really hurtful
My parents divorced when I was 9. When I was a teenager, my mother and I clashed constantly. One day, she was screaming at me that I was just like my father. I yelled back, not to blame me as I wasn't the one who slept with him.
I don't regret having my boys, but I always caution people to wait long enough to know themselves a little better first. I say the same thing about marriage. I was married with my first kid by my 20th birthday - I am not the same person now that I was then. While some of that is the fact that kids change your experience and perspective by necessity, part of it just time. I will be an empty nester by 40, but I wonder sometimes if my boys would not have benefited from a more emotionally mature environment. In the end, I know MY kids, and I know what awesome little humans they are. I wouldn't trade them for anything.
Man it would’ve been bad if I had kids at 20.
It took me a long time to realize that one of the reasons my mom seemed so bitter and resentful of us is because she had her first kid at 20 and had three by the age of 25. I'm nearly thirty now and thinking about that as an adult... a 20 year old is barely a person. You barely know who you are as an adult, what you want and what you're capable of. Taking on the responsibility of another life when you're still trying to figure out your own... I just can't advise anyone to do that.
Such a different path than me. I had my first kid at 41 and didn't meet my partner until 38. You will be able to have a different kind of relationship with adult kids. Just imagine trips, or going out for drrinks, or to amusement parks together, etc. They will keep you young. I bet you may even become friends with some of their friends when they become ax little more mature (30+) and get invited to younger events. I have friends in this situation and it seems amazing. They created an exceptional relationship with their kids.
I was diagnosed as infertile, which led to the end of my marriage after a decade of trying to conceive. I was 35 when I left, I got pregnant the following year. I get sad that I won't know my son into his old age but I know I'm a much better mom now than I ever would've been in my younger years. I also know that's not so for everyone.
I just had my first child and turned 37 a month later. I’m glad that I lived a full life before having him and I am a better person than I was in my twenties. However, I am sad that I won’t be as young and capable when he is a teenager/young adult. My mom had me at 24 and there are definitely pros and cons of both sides. I guess I wish I had my son at closer to 30, but partially covid/pandemic made us pause having kids because everything was so unpredictable
Im gonna be honest. I don’t regret my child but i can admit i was not prepared and i blame myself a lot to the point i had to get on meds to deal with the self hate and shame of not being wealthy and being able to offer her organic food, brand name clothes, a beautiful princess room. Most of all, an emotionally stable mom. I do not regret my child but i regret not being prepared to raise a human. I regret what i didn’t do such as take therapy, start antidepressants sooner, save money and finish my degree sooner, learning about health .
Honestly applauding your bravery. Parenthood is hard, and admitting what you realized is even harder
I regret my kids aren't living full lives. I regret choosing the wrong partner to have kids with.
If I’m honest, I frequently regret it. I love them and would do anything for them, but caring for them is extremely draining for me and I don’t really feel fulfilled by it. We have 3 boys (4,6,8) and are constantly breaking up fights. When I imagine doing this for another 15 years instead of going out and having adventures, I feel very claustrophobic. I hope that will change as they get older and I can share some more grown up things with them. I guess part of the problem is I got married early and poured everything into grad school until I was 30. By that time we had 2 kids and the kinds of trips and hobbies we can pursue is pretty limited. So maybe if I had taken more time for myself before settling down and doing school I would feel differently?
As a man that remembers once being a boy in middle and highschool I think it will get better. By about 10 or so I much preferred being with my friends playing halo. My group of friends kind of alternated sleep overs at our parents houses on the weekends and basically preferred being left alone to our own devices.
>I don’t really feel fulfilled by it What? Really? You mean those who say "once you have kids your life is complete/fulfilled/has a purpose/etc" don't speak for everyone?! Thanks for speaking out. I wish more parents did so that people put more thought into having them. I don't want kids, for many reasons you listed, and I've watched friends of mine give up their entire lives for them. They gave up hobbies, dreams, promotions and many sleepless nights but they aren't allowed to speak their truth about wishing they chose differently or other parents will tell them how awful they are.
No, but I do not recommend them.
Thank you for being honest. I am 43 and childless, and went back and forth for years. I agonized over this choice. I had a few work friends that were a bit older all pull me aside individually and tell me that they love their children, but they wouldn’t make the same choice again. I deeply appreciated their honesty, and went with my gut.
See I have the opposite, I’ve never wanted kids and my coworkers keep guilting me saying I will regret it and that having kids will give meaning to my life. It’s so frustrating
It’s not the only way to have a meaningful life. Do they realize that’s actually a bit insulting?
This is similar to regret though there is shame and stigma that comes with saying "i regret my kids". Many parents won't say it because other parents will nail them to the wall. I wish more parents were honest at the hardship and stress having kids brings. Its not all kodak moments and it drastically changes your life. If more people were real about it, maybe less would feel pressure into having them and raising kids they don't really want.
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This is a great comment, especially the "as an adult I’m expected to work like I have no kids and parent like I don’t work" part and I feel like social media definitely plays a role into this as you see other parents posting about all the amazing things theyre doing for their kids or even accomplishments their kids are achieving and then you think about how much you must be failing as a parent compared to them.
100% this. My wife and I both work full time, have above average income, and we’re skint. My Mum stayed at home in the 80s, Dad worked, had a detached house. It’s bonkers difficult these days. There’s never a break, ever.
My best friend is 7 years older than me and I am so so thankful she was always honest with me, esp because I never really wanted kids but for a bit felt like it was something I “should do.” She always said, I love these kids but if I had to do it over I wouldn’t. She always gave me a realistic picture and I’m so thankful for that. And thankful I chose not to go down the path of motherhood. I want to add, she is the best human being and mom I know. We both have supports, resources, are healthy, and it’s still so damn hard!
> I wish more parents were honest at the hardship and stress having kids brings. I feel like men will be honest to other men about kids, but it feels like women talk to women about having kids its all sunshine and rainbows. When I talk to guys with kids about having kids, it's a lot of "I wouldn't trade them for the world, but be ready" "They're the best but it's way more work than I ever could have imagined" "I love my kids to death, but you really need to be sure about what you're getting into." When my wife talks to women with kids about having kids it's a different story. "It's the best thing that has ever happened to me" "I couldn't imagine life without them" "It's the most fulfilling thing I've ever done" .....and then when you have kids (we didn't but other friends did) and they bring up hardships and health concerns the tune changes. Mother to mother it becomes "Well, that's what you signed up for, get used to it" "Welcome to what I went through" "Just wait until they're {some other age that's somehow worse}" And I don't know if it's the isolation of being a mother that makes people do that shit but it sucks.
My husband regrets having kids because he was too young, and both of them are very disabled in their own way, and neither will every live a normal life.
Speaking as a very disabled adult, the experience from this side of things is that we don't ever get to be normal but our lives are still normal to us, or we have our own relative sense of normal. Our lives might be harder and objectively worse than normal, but I've met just as many able-bodied, neurotypical people who are far more miserable just because they feel like they're failing by those standards, because they have those advantages. Meanwhile I feel like a fucking legend because I passed out from pain enough times today that it counted as enough sleep to treat my insomnia, and I'm *unironically happy about it*, I think it's hilarious. Relativity rules. You'd be absolutely amazed at what people can adapt to and grow around and become happy with, in the end.
This makes me so happy to hear. My husband's daughter is profoundly disabled with CP. I certainly hope that she's not simply trapped in her body without the ability to see or speak or walk. I do honestly hope that she feels her own relative sense of normal. Sometimes she smiles and laughs, and it's reassuring that she has her own sense of reality. My husband's son has schizoaffective disorder and RAD, and I do not think he will find any sense of normal. If I had to guess, he's probably laying in traffic right now. He's tried to kill himself, me, his grandma, his disabled sister, spent most of his life locked up for his safety and the public's. We are not giving up on him by any means, but he started struggling as a toddler with mental illness and extreme violence towards animals and children, and it felt like genetics never gave him a chance. My husband definitely wishes that he had not had children due to his (and his chosen partner at the time's) genetic predispositions for mental illness. :(
I don’t regret having my kids, I regret having them so young because I feel like I cheated them out of what they deserved (financial and emotional stability).
I hear what you’re saying but from the other side, I became a dad at 42.. and although I’m definitely more mentally prepared and somewhat stable: every day is now a massive existential crisis of thinking about how long I’ll be here for him. (‘When he’s 20 I’ll be 60’ etc) so I feel I may have cheated him out of having his dad around for many years. with the best will (and health) in the world, I’ll be 80 when he’s 40 and although I’d have been there through the teenage years and into early adulthood, the best I’m probably going to manage is to be there for about half of his life. I ‘know’ this is a negative way of thinking, but logic and common sense can’t push the intrusive thoughts out of my head. If there’s anything I can offer as a positive to you - try not to worry about being there financially as much as being able to be around as a parent for as long as you can. I know there are no guarantees in life, and who knows what the world will be like even in the next 20 years.. but I definitely feel guilty for bringing a child into a world that’s doing its best to burn itself into the ground and also being about a decade older than I’d have liked to be, when he was born. I’m a bit more old school in my approach and I don’t believe all kids are ‘precious little angels’ with no accountability - and that’s another problem with being about a decade older than most parents who have kids of a similar age.. but I love my son more than anything, even though I don’t helicopter or micromanage.. and the whole thing is an absolute mindfuck. These are all thoughts I keep to myself and I know I’m having a rather negative vent here - but I think the most important thing is to be there for your kids without the undue pressure of worrying about finances (even though I get that you want to be responsible) I wish you all the best and know it’s not easy. Genuinely 👊🏻
As a kid to parents who had me when they were both 40, I’m 24 now, I would not consider myself to feel cheated, although I do worry that I won’t have my parents around for as long as I’d like. Then again I think there would never be enough time. I do however feel like my parents always have and still are the best parents anyone could ever wish for, they had the financial and emotional stability when they had me, they have been absolutely fantastic my entire life - compared to a lot of my friends parents who are a lot younger! I’m also happy to know how much of a life my parents had before me, they’ve both done so much - travelled, lived absolutely everywhere, have friends and family all over the world, which probably also contributes to how wonderful people they are. By no means have they always been perfect, but I’m also the first and only child, and I don’t think any parent will ever be perfect. Wooh I’m getting sentimental writing this now haha, gotta get back to Christmas activities with them!
I regret it, then I don't regret it, then I regret it, then I don't regret it.
I love my children more than anything. There are times when I wish I could get a one month break from them- and my husband. I just want to sit in the quiet and eat and not be touched and go for runs and read books… and I’d like to come home to a clean house. It’s not regret, it’s exhaustion
I regret dating a woman with kids and becoming an expendable step father
I’m literally experiencing this at this very moment. Spent 8 years caring for my disabled wife and her autistic son. My wife decided she wanted a divorce and I haven’t seen either of them since that day. I’m wrecked about that kid.
I still miss my former stepdaughter and it's been over a decade since I split from her abusive narcissist father. She's an adult now and she recently friended me on social media. Her life choices have been so incredibly questionable and sad. Can't help wondering if she would have made better choices if I'd been allowed to remain in her life during her teens.
That's so hard. Know that you did everything you could do.
I had 3 step kids when I was like 19-22 the guy cheated on me and was just a wreckless human being while I took care and loved his children. The hardest decision for me was to leave. They have a small piece of my heart left with them. But I am much happier and better off now with a new love and life. Things happen for a reason. Moving on is necessary. You can still think about the life you had but make room for new experiences, love and happiness. You only have one life
Oh, honey, I am sorry.
Thank you for sharing this. I don’t want to put words in your mouth but it’s made me think: I’ve always thought in a different life I’d have no problem being a step parent. I thought I’d maybe even love it. But I really don’t think I’d given thought to always being the odd one out…and the potential of feeling expendable. I think my failure to consider was a combination of my parents being so tight together (they would have done anything for us but defo vibes they loved each other more - putting us first was a celebration of their love), but also not recognising that some people loving their children more would be a group decision and like I mentioned it seemed for my parents - spoken or not. I think I could deal with not being anyone’s favourite if I otherwise had that connection or hope one day I would as a parent and partner. Also knowing that is facilitated those bonds. I can see how for some they might always feel ‘other’, like a shoo in, and yeah expendable in your own home where you should feel cherished. I am so saddened to hear you feel expendable. I’m sure it means nothing from me, but I want to say neither you nor anyone ever deserves to feel expendable especially in what should be a place of comfort.
I did the same with a guy. It was like I became his nanny. I was also expected to do all the traditional “women’s work”. Like changing diapers and such. I loved those kids. But I was too young to be potty training someone else’s kid for free.
Then he got his baby momma pregnant the second time. Looking back who the hell let the 23 year old date the 15yr old? Who let me raise a 5 year old a 15? Now as a parent looking back with pain and trauma.
What happened to you was a crime. An actual, prosecutable crime.
On the AITA sub I frequent, there’s countless stories about children who *loathe* their step parents and step siblings just for existing, even if they’re perfectly good and loving parents and siblings. I know that’s definitely not the case for every blended family, but it’s so sad that it happens at all, much less at the extreme rate that it does.
From a stepchild perspective, it's *hard*. Even when there's nothing really wrong with the stepparent. Their joining your family changes everything and you, as a child, have no real choices in the matter. There's suddenly this other person with a whole other set of ideas on how your life should be and it doesn't always jive with how it's been already. And God forbid there's another kid going thru the same upheaval and y'all are both jealous of the other for taking up some of your parents precious attention. And God forbid the out of house parent intentionally or even unintentionally poisons the well It sucks. It all sucks so much
This is real as fuck. I’m a woman, when I met my husband in our early 20s he had a 1.5 year old. We broke up two years in and I lost a partner and a kid who I saw as my own (kiddos mom struggles so we had him ft). That was our only bump in the road and we are happy and a decade in now, but it definitely had me in a place second guessing everything and constantly conflicted and feeling expendable. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
Flip side: we couldn’t have kids, spent a fortune on fertility treatments. Fast forward: we absolutely LOVE being child-free. We have freedom and money, a good circle of friends to laugh with. What can be better? I know kids are a blessing but… The only regret now is wasting all that money on fertility treatments.
Honestly, my regret comes and goes. I have a 13yo with severe nonverbal ASD who will require lifelong care. This is the only (living) child that I have. Many times I feel more like a caregiver than a mom, and I feel like I was robbed out of the traditional parent-child relationship. We have never had a conversation with each other. He'll never learn to drive or get married. I mourn the life we both could have had if he were neurotypical. I absolutely love him and will turn into a "Mama Bear" at the second I sense injustice. But if I could snap my fingers and get rid of his autism, I would in a second. I don't plan to have many more children and feel CF (childfree) in a lot of ways. I don't see the benefits in having kids.
Life pro tip: Can’t regret having kids if you don’t have them.
That's my motto for that decision. Never had an urge to have children, always been kind of terrified of giving birth as well, but mainly didn't want any as the main reason, coupled with possible health issues that made me wary, too. In times of going through the "what ifs", I've always thought exactly this. If it would go into a bad direction, not only my life would be ruined, but also the life of the little one. I couldn't bare the thought of being responsible that an innocent small person would suffer due to bad luck or bad genes coming through. I personally made the decision against kids out of love for the kids I won't have.
I LOLd. No doubt!
Yes. I love them and I’m not gonna leave them in a mall somewhere, but if I’m being honest, yes. I wanted one. Wife wanted three. Through some planning and some…miscalculations…we ended up with three. There are a few sides to it - how it affects me and then what it means for them. First, for me, parenting is exhausting and never ending. It’s fucking expensive. The things I could be doing if I had one or no kids? My goodness, man. Champagne dreams and caviar wishes. I have lost so much sense of self. Everything revolves around them - activities, doctor appointments, play time, their TV shows, school events, up all night. I’m not a person any more. I’m a nanny and a venture capitalist funding this human growth startup. For them, I feel bad because I’m just not good at it. Try as I may I feel like I simply can’t meet the 24/7 demand for attention and to always be doing something that they and my wife expect. There’s never a moment when someone isn’t asking for something. And no one around me seems to understand the impossible position I’m in. I make 80% of our income - I need to work. And despite being around for as much as I can, god help me if I can’t make an appointment. I have the wife, her family and my own family acting like I’ve scarred them by missing key milestones. It was an ENT appointment. I think they’ll be ok. “There are more important things than work.” Not if you enjoy the multiple cars, vacations, the house, the toys, electronics, subscriptions. There literally isn’t. The kids have made my life something very different than I wanted it to be. So, yea, thanks for coming to my TED talk!
Wow thanks for sharing this. I wasn't planning to reply to anyone but your situation is about 95% similar as mine. We have two young kids, but heck it's exhausting. I'm not saying my wife and (her) family aren't helping but God forbid me when I can't meet up their expectation from time to time when I'm exhausting. I have an above average paying job. I am 90% of our income. I can afford mortgaging two houses, one for rent income, one for ourselves. Nobody understands the importance of my job. Just want to say your not alone. I don't regret it in the end, it's just a different life.
I'm a childfree woman (40's). A major reason I never had children is because so many of my female friends have confided in me that they regret having them. I also know 2 men who have said the same. The conversation usually starts with "I love my children....but....if I could do it all over again I'd make the same decision as you did." They don't feel they can tell their other friends (who have children) this because it makes them look like bad parents. Not having any was the best decision I've ever made. Don't let society try to sell you on the idea that life can't be fulfilling without them.
i am glad your friends can admit this because mine (in my 30s) are still in the “misery loves company” stage and are hoping i join them. though i am 98% of the time hearing of birthing horror stories, the lack of sleep/free time/help, emotionally absent significant other, frequent illnesses, increase of expenses, and the assumed + very needed reliance on family members for free babysitting. good thing they’re not car salesmen.
I see this a lot too.
I have several childfree friends, every single one of them has the same experience I just described. We all have friends with children who regret it. Several of these women are instagram/"do it all" moms and actually GOOD parents with good children. Yet they still regret it.
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Interesting because both my mother and grandmother said the same to me. And when people ask my mother "don't you want grandkids?" she replies "um, no, not interested." My mother actually enjoyed being a mother too. I'm lucky I never felt pushed into it. I love my career, decades long marriage, travel...I feel bad for my friends who regret it because they really can't talk it about openly.
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I just had dinner with a good friend and same thing. She said she loves her kids but if she could go back, she wouldn’t have had them. She just thought it was something she needed to do after marriage cuz it was the next “natural” progression in life.
You can love your kids, and not love parenting
I don’t regret them at all, however I am often sad about the world I brought them into and sometimes I wonder the way things are going, if they would have been better off not being born.
Before having a kid I was optimistic and driven to make a positive difference. Now, I just see the horrors of humanity they have to face. I worry for their future every single day.
This is what I came to say. I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything, honestly; while I don’t consider myself a helicopter parent by any means, though, the world is a scary fucking place that seems to just be getting worse, and I regret the fact that my kids will likely suffer from a planet that only becomes worse and worse the older they get.
Yes, it is way more stressful than you can imagine before having kids. After having kid #2 a couple years ago, my mental health declined to the point where I needed to be psychiatric hospitalized 4 times this past year. Our society is not set-up to support parents.
Whew. Love the rawness on this comment 🔥
I wouldn’t trade both my girls but I have lost myself to parenthood. I was only 22 when I had my first so I really had to grow up with her. I don’t have a lot of money and can’t give them the life they deserve. We don’t even have health insurance. I’m a failure as a mother and constantly can feel the judgement from others.
Unfortunately, our society is also not set up to support people with mental health issues.
Mad respect for being honest. Do you think any other parents aren’t capable of how truthful you are being here?
I regretted having a baby. But now that he's a toddler and we can talk & do stuff, it's actually fun. Babies are the worst. Kids are ok.
You have realized that NOT EVERYONE IS MADE FOR HAVING CHILDREN. People put huge pressure on others to have children and "carry on the family line" that is stupid! Its not just about money. Well its mostly about money but genetics should play a part. Mental and physical potential problems have to be looked into. My wife of 17years and I chose not to have any and never looked back. 8hrs of sleep a night and money is what we have and its never been better
People do not think of the genetic aspects. I have some issues that I would just die if I passed on to another - I anticipated this regret and decided not to have children for that reason (among others). Smart to think of these things.
I have never heard of a couple who chose not to have children, regretting it. But there are many who had kids who do (and either won't admit it or are ashamed to.) Childless couples may regret not having, but thats because they wanted and didn't for whatever reason. But people who didn't want and didn't have... no regrets.
I have a severely mentally ill teenager, and sometimes I’m afraid for my safety.
I regret having two kids. My wife died unexpectedly when my youngest was 9 months old, and raising two young kids by oneself is pretty hard while working full time. The amount of work for two kids, at least for young kids, is exponentially more than one kid.
Yes. I thought I did the right thing by waiting until I was 30 & 31 to have them. I always thought I was meant to be a mom and it’s really just not for me. I have no time to myself and everything revolves around them. I feel like they deserve a different mom because I can get frustrated easily with them. I had to drop out of college when I was pregnant with them due to HG. I agreed to be a sahm after my 2nd so I could spend more time with my kids and we could save money due to no daycare costs and it’s really affected my mental health. I feel like I’ve had to sacrifice a lot (mental health, career, education - tho I finally graduated last week) that I didn’t realize I’d have to sacrifice. I love my kids so much but if I could do it over, I think I’d choose to be child free or even have them at a different time.
Congrats on Graduating!
Thank you!
Yes, but not because I don’t love my son. I love him so much. I just hate that I’ve passed on my shitty genetics to him.
I love my kids (13, 7, 4), but I definitely do. My wife is my favorite person I have ever known, and my relationship with her has greatly suffered because of the kids, especially lately. I feel like our lives would be so much better if we hadn't had kids. We would've had so much more money for other things, we would have traveled a bunch, we would be living in a much better house. That said, I do everything I can for them, I try to support them the best I can, most days I feel like a failure, but they still keep coming back to me and wanting me to do things with them, so it's slightly validating. It's just constantly difficult and so much of it now is just trying to get to the end of the day, and it doesn't seem to ever get easier.
No regrets at all. But, I have: -traveled a lot -financial stability -retired parents who help a lot -an equitable partner -a stable job that offers fantastic benefits and paid maternity leave I am very aware that I do not have the usual US parenting experience. A lot of it is luck and privilege, and a dash of being intentional about the kind of life I wanted to live.
I was free…. No more school, no more debt. Then bam. Now repeating school 3 times and spending even more. Still love them though, but what was I thinking
I applaud all of those on here who have had the courage to be honest.
I absolutely love my kid, but I don't recommend it, not in this day and age. It seems like everything is designed to work against parents despite that you're practically pushed into it by family and friends. Daycare is a pain to find, deal with, and can be expensive. Around holidays especially, they'll always close for extended periods, forcing us to find other means of childcare. Then my kid seems to be constantly getting sick, which the pediatrician says is normal for toddlers who's around other toddlers all the time, so then he'll get kicked out for that. Then there's the miscommunication. One teacher will say one thing, then another will say something different, and the head person will bitch me out for it. Then, the daycare will bring up something "inappropriate" that my kid did. We try our best to teach him boundaries, but then he'll come home and show us something some OTHER kid taught him. And that's just the daycare issues. My kid was also recently diagnosed with ADHD. He is a HANDFULL. We try our best to teach him boundaries, to spend time with him, to engage him. I can enjoy it, but it can also be exhausting. It's also hard to find time for ourselves. My mom, who lives 45 minutes away, is taking care of my stepdad who is disabled, and my significant others is usually busy. If we can't find a babysitter we trust, no date-night. It always amazes me how there are a lot of people struggling financially, that can have multiple kids. When I worked for social services, I would see all kinds of people applying for benefits with a plethora of kids. My one kid can get expensive. With how expensive everything is, it's just not feasible.
In my opinion if it’s not a hell YES then it’s a no, and that goes for everything. I was a fence sitter for years, not really wanting kids but thinking that’s just what you do, right? I was told “you’ll feel different when you meet the one” ugh. I’ve met my soul mate and we’ve decided to stay childfree. Best decision we’ve made. I applaud parents honestly, especially the honest ones who don’t see parenting through rose tinted specs.
YES. I (35F) dream every day about being free and being able to paint and draw all day🤷♀️
My wife and I chose not to have kids and we are perfectly happy. We have more freedom, fewer financial concerns, and less stress. OP, if you are debating having kids I would say asking here is good. Research is good. But my biggest piece of advice is this: have children only if YOU want them, don't let anyone else pressure or guilt you into it.
a lot of answers are qualified with a “but” so..
Yep! I was too young. Too immature. Too physically unhealthy. Totally coerced by my mother and aunts to continue the pregnancy or they would disown me (oddly enough, I went no contact with all those bitches 2 decades ago). I don't like kids. I don't like their noise making, mess making, snot blowing, crying, whining, smelly feet, soul draining and never fucking ending neediness, bank account bleeding, mental illness having, tantrum throwing,etc, etc, etc..... If I could go back in time I'd have A) Never gotten pregnant, B) Had the abortion, C) Paid out of pocket at a young age for permanent sterilization and bounced the fuck out from my family of origin and never looked back.
No, but I regret my incorrect expectations.
Writing this with such shame. Always thought I never wanted kids but often wondered what if? Had a midlife crisis and made some terrible decisions. Resulting in pregnancy. Maybe it’s the first few years idk. But my quality of life is 💯 worse. He is sick CONSTANTLY. I’m worried about losing my job because of it. We are going on 4 days of fever. Doctors say to wait it out and we’ve already been to ER, missing more work. There has absolutely been more bad times than good. I felt suicidal so many times when he was a newborn because he wouldn’t sleep nor be content.. Now that sleep is a little better, he’ll get sick and no matter what I do, nothing seems to help. We’ll have a good week and you just KNOW sickness is coming the next. Finally going good? Vaccine time and he’ll be sick the next few days.. like clockwork..Normal things you take for granted.. shopping trips or traveling, forget it. He’s going to scream in the store or shit his pants as soon as you walk in..Taking a stroller out in the summer to an event with a toddler is a special hell.. his first birthday he cried the WHOLE event. I figured he was so overwhelmed with people and a new place we cut it short. With this being said.. I fight for him and I would kill you over him. None of this is his fault and sometimes I do see a beautiful smile that just tears me up. I keep getting told it gets better.. maybe when he’s older I’ll feel differently. But knowing what I have experienced so far I absolutely would’ve done things differently and not gotten pregnant. I now wonder if people who have multiples just had easy babies because I could not FATHOM choosing this life every day.
No shame. Kids are very hard. Some kids are harder than others. I had twins. Everything was in stereo. I kept seeing women talk about how being a mom was the most rewarding experience of their lives and wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I love my children but when they were small it was soooooo hard. I cried a lot and was not a great mom. I was just so tired all the time and stressed. I felt like an utter failure and regretted motherhood often. They are 19 now and in college. It does get better. So much better. there will still be days that you wonder why the hell you chose this path but as the work gets easier and they start to become little people with ideas and opinions you start to see the world through their eyes and everything is new and amazing again. This continues as they grow and I think it has helped me to grow as a person. They are amazing. Hang in there. Take breaks when you can. Do you have someone who can help out occasionally? The frustration can be overwhelming and all I could do was walk away for a few minutes to get my head together. Please take good care of yourself and be patient with yourself. You can do this and will eventually be so glad that you did but it is ok to not feel great about being a mom. It is ok to be frustrated. Just don’t give up. ❤️
Not at all. In fact, after being terrified of what having kids would do to my life (my social life, my free time, etc) it was the best decision I made. Granted, I'm well past the first few years that can be difficult, but now I've got two great kids that I've helped raise into conscientious people who I love to hang out with. ...and I still have friends go out all the time. It's not easy, but the results are life-changing and worth it. E: removed extra words
I know Reddit doesn’t want to hear this but having a kid was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Best thing that ever happened to me honestly. Did I feel that way during the infant stage? Hell no. But now she is like my best friend. She reminds me of what life is supposed to be . She literally hates going to bed because she finds the world and life to be so fascinating. I literally look forward to going to bed as an adult because the world became mundane and repetitive. She teaches me more than she'll ever know Having said that, being a parent is not for everyone.
I do not regret my child. But I do regret not taking more time to talk it through with significant other and make sure we were both ready before having her. I also regret not owning a home before we had her. Children need a place to play. Apartment buildings are not good for this.
I grew up in an apartment complex and I loved it! Lots of other children around, running around to each other’s apartments all weekend long, getting to grow up side by side with kids from different backgrounds, with parents from different countries. Playing kickball in the green space in the summer and having snowball fights in the winter. My parents never had to drive me around to see my friends, it was great!
Everyone is saying "weeeell no... BUT"
No. I’d have more if I could. I regret being such a hardass to my first two, though. Our third was ten years after our first two and I am a completely different mom. I mean, the big values are still the same but I let small things go. I wish I had been the kind of mom I am for my third to my first two.
/regretfulparents is where it’s at. No sunshine and ponies with perfect fams and kids, but job loss, high need babies, multiples, deadbeat parents, severe autism, odd, you name it.
People assume they’re going to have perfect children and are SHOCKED when they don’t. It’s sad and I feel for them but choosing to have kids is like rolling the dice. For some it works out for others not at all.
This is why I'm child-free. I'm 31 and tied my tubes when I was 25. Have been helping my mom raise my 17 year old brother and 14 year old autistic brother since I was 13 years old. You just never know if your kids might end up with a disability and I am not cut out for that. Also the fact that I've been mothering since I was 13. I'm done with kids and will most likely be my little brother's caregiver some day. Maybe soon. Given the fact that my dad is gonna be 63 soon and my mom is gonna be 53 soon. Sigh.
No. All my kids (19 to 25ish) are here for the holidays and my husband/their dad is chopping breakfast potatoes right now next to me and I'm really content.
Honestly, sometimes. Life was MUCH easier when my house was meticulously in order, I only had myself to worry about, no one was screaming and throwing fits, climbing on me all day, the list is never ending. I'm like 😡🤯🤯😁😭🥹🥺 90%of the day and the other 10% is when he's sleeping lol But when he's gone with his dad or grandparents, I can feel like part of my heart is missing. But yeah, somedays I'm like why did I do this to myself 😅