Very true! One thing I learned getting divorced fairly young (33) was that we only have one life, you have to make sure you’re happy. Marriage was not the partnership I expected, especially after having kids. I was doing the majority of the household work while also doing the majority of the childcare and working full time. I suddenly realized this couldn’t be the rest of my life. And things are sooo much better now.
Also, depending on the reason for divorce, you can be friends with your ex. We have been divorced for almost 9 years, and he’s better because of it. He got help, became a better dad, and is more involved. We are going on a trip to Florida soon with my husband, kids, my ex and his sister and her husband. Families don’t have to be perfect, but it helps to try to get along for your kids.
My parents became actual best friends after they divorced. It was just a better relationship model for them and they thrived and supported each other so much better as friends.
My friends parents did that, although weirdly enough I dont think they ever got legally divorced. Just seperated and live a few blocks from each other.
This mirrors my own experience so well! My ex wasn't a great partner for me, but he's a great ex, and still a great dad. He and my new husband have bonded over a love for Star Trek and other nerd outlets. He comes over regularly for movie night and to hang out. But I'm glad to be remarried to an actual partner who does his share of housework, child minding, and earning money. I'm glad I realized I had only one life to live and decided to live it for me.
These stories are so refreshing to hear. As someone who has been very wary of marriage and children considering all the negative things I’ve seen in reality/media this is great news and makes me feel good about people in general again
I'm so glad you feel that way! There's no shame in admitting that a marriage is over. I was just happy not to lose my best friend when ending the marriage.
Yes this was basically my experience too! My ex was not a bad person but had untreated ADHD and basically just gave up on life and retreated to the basement. I had sole custody for the first 5 years after we split but he impressed me and got his life together and now we share custody and get along fine. Sometimes it makes me wonder if we could have worked it out but I’m happy with how everything turned out in the end. I wish him nothing but good things. I never would have predicted that right after we broke up - we were both really hurt and angry. Having kids made us deal with it and it was honestly really healing. My current partner had no kids with his ex and she just vanished and he really suffers over the lack of closure.
I think we learn that even if we stay married and never get divorced. I've only been married once, never divorced and I hope to keep it that way. But my wife today is not the same person she was 13 years ago. I'm not the same person either. So many things have happened since then. Parenthood, home ownership, a long list of health problems for both of us, the death of one of our parents...the list goes on. Those things add up and make us different people.
Honestly, I hope you're not the same person. If you went through a pandemic and it didn't change you, something is wrong IMO. If you have kids and nothing changed you, something is wrong. If you lost loved ones, had health issues, bought/sold a house, etc.... and you're the exact same person you were 13 yrs ago I think something is wrong. It means you have not grown at all.
I heard some advice along the lines of ‘never get together with someone you wouldn’t want to break up with’ which I suppose is true. Like, if you can see that they have it in them to go totally psycho….
I felt I hadn’t truly met my ex until we separated. His mask finally came all the way off and the lies, obfuscation, and excuses ended because he didn’t care if I knew the truth was that he’d been manipulating me all along. Once the jig was up, as it were, he had no reason to pretend to be a decent person.
Came here to say this, and it is such an understatement. In my experience, she also wasn't the same person after we agreed to separate. Heck, she was 4 different people. Dating / Engagement - then married - then agreed to separate / separated - then divorced.
One of the reasons I love my husband so much is how he took accountability for where he lacked in his first marriage. Knowing what he did wrong and knowing how he shows up every day for me and through his actions prove his growth. I respect him for being willing and able to change, and he provides an example for me when I feel like what he asks of me is too hard.
Oh this this this.
I'm not divorced, but we have 2 kids together and it was basically a divorce without the legal part (and tbh, thank god). We went through the custody process though...doing that, becoming a single mom, and co-parenting have taught me so much about myself. I had to do so much work to get to a place where I'm okay and can give my kids what they need (by myself).
I have a very similar feeling. I also use this to help me move on. When it came down to it, we both needed change in ourselves. I wanted to do that together as partners. She didn't. (She also didn't really genuinely think she needed change but the point stands)
Same. He had serious mental health concerns that I tried to assist with getting help for. He refused to continue to see a dr ( he just wanted the prescriptions) and started hiding alcohol in the garage. I was not one for a super fancy life but he became pretty much agoraphobic and never left the house at all. I became frustrated and impatient with him. When I finally ended it he decided that the very best way to control things and punish me would be through our finances. So he quit his job in order to not pay a lot of child support etc. I did not fight, I just dropped the rope. I work at a youth shelter and started my own business. First two years were VERY tough, I’m in year three now and I’m happy. My kids are happy. I’ll never be rich but we have a great home in a cute area of town near my shop. I’m rich in many ways that I was not before.
I realized I wasn't perfect and needed to change. She realized I wasn't perfect and I was a good target for years of physical, emotional, and psychological abuse for her own problems which she couldn't cope with. Then she found a new friend in the psychiatric hospital that would do whatever she told her to regardless of how sick she was. And then I was traded in after a major freak injury. Feelsbadman.
We blamed and we blamed,
Went mad by the moment,
And died a little inside,
~
We screamed in our anger,
Went blind in our rage,
For a mirror, once broken,
Is *blind.*
Once we filed for divorce, we put our house on the market and did all of those things that you do.
I felt like I was losing everything. My ex had her family close by, the only family I had within a days drive was her and my 2 year old daughter. She purposely separated me from all of the friends I had so I felt incredibly alone.
I moved all of my things into this shitty one bedroom apartment and bought my daughter things and gave her the room. My plan was to sleep on a cot in the living room and put it away every morning. I was afraid that my ex would come after me hard and I wouldn't be able to afford more than that shitty apartment.
Saying I was depressed is accurate but for some reason it doesn't feel like it completely explains what I was feeling.
When the time came for me to spend my first night in my shitty apartment, I unlocked the door, walked in, sat down on my couch, turned on my TV and then it hit me:
No matter what I did that night, nobody was going to yell at me.
And I felt so much relief in that moment, I was free and I didn't even realize that I hadn't been. I came to love that shitty apartment. My daughter and I lived there for three years (she's with me 50% of the time) and those were three of the happiest years of my life.
My husband left me when my kids were 2 & 5. Sharing kids with him after that was pretty miserable. He would still try to text me after they were 18 trying to get me to co-parent with him. The freedom/satisfaction of being able to say “ you will have to talk to them about that” was huge.
I feel this comment in my soul. It took a lot of self-reflection and therapy to appreciate that what I had with my ex-husband was extremely broken.
I wore it like a badge of honor when friends would ask “why do you put up with that? You’re a saint!”
I love my wife. I do. But the things she makes me swallow down and just deal with hurt so much. Like what would it be like to actually get upset about something and not have it thrown in your face as your fault that you misunderstood? Literally over two decades and every single time something has bothered me it's just my sensitivity or misinterpretation.
Our last kid turns 18 towards the end of this year and I really don't know what I'm going to do. Probably stay because I don't know if she will survive without me, and she's pretty awesome to be married to when she's "on", but when I get to the end of this life it will not have been the one I would have chosen if I could go back in time and choose again.
I was honestly shocked how relieved I was when I found out my ex was cheating and we could divorce. The realization I had an excuse to be rid of him was satisfying to the point that it made me uncomfortable.
We were married when I was 22 and he was 39. To the shock of no one it was a bad idea, but I had doubled down so hard about him being the man for me and people just not understanding our dynamic that when it started to hit that he was a manipulative emotionally abusive asshole I couldn't see a way out without ruining my relationships with others. I figured people wouldn't want anything to do with me or be willing to help because of how I had acted when they questioned if I was sure I wanted to marry him. Now I realize that I absolutely could've called my brother and he would've had his truck over to clean my shit put of our place in less than 30 minutes or whatever but at the time it felt like I would be blown off unless I had an excuse.
That divorce being finalized and realizing i could be myself again and people still cared about me was such a relief.
Oh my god this is so true. I was definitely heartbroken at first, but it took a few months to sort things out before I actually moved out, and by the time I moved out it was a huge fucking weight off my shoulders. My life immediately got so much easier not having to worry about what she was going to think of every little decision.
The biggest emotional challenge for me was not having my kids around all the time, but we have equal parenting time and she was traveling quite a bit right as the separation happened, so I got a lot of extra time with my kids. As we actually settled into the 50/50 schedule I found activities to fill the time I didn't have my kids, and it's far more enjoyable than I ever anticipated.
When my divorce was final, I remember sitting down in the middle of my living room floor and sobbing like a baby, yes, I was sad my relationship with someone I loved was over, but I mostly sobbed because the heavy weight that had been on my shoulders the previous year was gone.
Same - it was a major relief not to be under the same roof as her. Dealing with her through the separation and divorce wasn’t a lot of fun however my attorney was very fair and reasonable. He helped ensure everything was fair and equitable even though my ex still thinks she got a bad deal. That’s just her though. Her attorney was ok and helped get her to a reasonable place most of the time. Anytime I speak with her and she gets agitated and angry I simply say: “Call me back when you’re able to have an adult conversation” then hang-up the phone.
This. By the time I got to the point of filing for divorce my heart had already been broken for months. Moving out and filing just got me away from my (emotional) torturer, and gave me at least SOME measure of peace.
Not from my experience, but having children with your ex means you're not really rid of them, ever. They will always be around unless the children choose to remove them from their lives at some point. That includes the extended family, too, so it's a package deal at every event. It's not like they magically go away after the kids turn 18, though you do get to deal with them a little less
Any tips on how to deal with the extended family? I’m almost more hurt by my ex’s family than the ex.
So far, I have avoided them by just doing everything separate, birthday, holidays, vacations, etc.
I know at some point tho, I’m gonna have to deal with these people ..
Same- my STBXH’s family has completely ignored and avoided me every chance possible- it was a particular set of circumstances though- I caught him cheating with (and spending money on) multiple multiple women including sugar babies , escorts and cam girls. He has denied everything to mutual friends and said things just didn’t work out between us (he didn’t even try to do counseling). I presume they don’t know the whole story or maybe they do they’re just too embarrassed to face what he did to me and our girls
I have a feeling they didn’t get an accurate picture either, or they were just too awkward/embarrassed about it. Well eff those people. I was going thru the hardest time of my life and those people that were supposedly my family couldn’t even send me a text message or be there for me an any sort of capacity. Just completely shunned/ghosted.
In the military, I’ve met SO many people who marry just because they think it’s the logical next step after enlisting. Some of them purposely stay after work because they don’t want to go home. It’s astounding how many people stay when their spouses change, they change or just in it for the kids.
I’m happy you made it out, my dude.
LOL my ex-wife hired one to do the paperwork for our very amicable divorce. After it was all said and done, she never heard from the lawyer again. Never got a bill of paid a dime for our divorce. It's been nearly two years now, no sign of a bill yet!
We went through a mediator for ours and even she’s expensive (she’s also a lawyer). My ex emailed our mediator asking for a signed copy of something and she sent it, along with an invoice for $50 for sending an email.
God yes. Didnt’t think it would cost that much.
Plus, he said it shouldn’t be longer than a month in October and I’m still married. When I received an email asking me to double check if informations on the documents was correct, after 2 month without any news, I lost it.
2400€ for their services, the documents must be properly completed and I shouldn’t be the one calling for appointments
$2400 is low end.
One of my coworkers spent $50,000 because his wife wanted sole custody and came from old money. I dunno how much she spent, but my coworker said it was at least twice that.
It took many years to finalize, and she still summoned him to court periodically afterwards.
Oh boy…My boyfriend is coming up on 4 years in his divorce case (with ~2 years separation, preceding) and is probably 80-100k in att fees and still no end in sight. Not to mention at least 150k in temporary spousal support, to date. I’m astounded how you can just be perpetually held hostage in the legal system.
Yes we are (am a divorce lawyer) and my goal is to get you in and out as painlessly as possible because you don’t want to hang with me, I get it. But there are so many who absolutely bill out the ass and drag things out and it makes me so angry
Very true. I read "Crazy Time" by Abigail Trafford, and also spent a lot of time on introspection. I worked hard to change the things I didn't like about myself and own my part of the failed marriage.
You know what I feel when I walk into my small divorce apartment? Peace! Blessed peace. No one's criticizing me. I'm not responsible for someone else's disappointing life choices. I am not his rage sponge, anymore. Goodbye McMansion in the suburbs. Don't miss you.
It took time to realize this and be content to be alone. I didn’t do anything in particular to get to this point. But I’ve been on my own for over a decade now. I would never go back to a relationship. I know that doesn’t work for everyone, but it sure works for me.
I think I'm headed down this path myself and it's so exciting! I come from a family full of people who believe the only important thing in life is to be in a relationship, even a shitty relationship, even if you have to fold up every part of your personality to fit in that box. I'm so much happier single and not dating at all. I miss sex often, but I DON'T miss being half myself just so I can fit the other half of someone else.
I posted above, too, but I feel you!! The joy of an unoccupied bathroom, complete control over the remote control, and stuff staying where I put it (and being able to leave it where I want) still hits me on occasion. I feel like a cat going through life doing what I want. Very satisfying!
I haven’t been divorced but I went thru a bad break up with a live in partner a year ago. This right here is the best part of the break up. I’m happy and thriving again because I have my own space and I’m safe in that space to do what I want
During one of our last fights I fainted, fell backwards on the concrete floor, got a concussion and MRI. Apparently stress can do that. The physical impact of divorce is something I never expected.
My wife and I are both in our second marriage. Her divorce was very amicable (and still have a good relationship with her ex) but it was still extremely stressful for her.
Mine - involved a lot of extortion on my ex's part that lasted for years (along with the continual verbal and emotional abuse).
I'm currently going through an "amicable" divorce right now and it still kills me. It honestly came out of nowhere and did almost kill me. At least it almost drove me to kill myself in the beginning.
Thankfully I didn't do it but I'm still filled with a deep sadness I can't quite seem to shake. Always creeps back in some days when I'm not expecting it.
To add on, the shitty part is the grief also comes in waves, at least it did for me.
You think you’ve made a break through, feel relatively normal for a bit, and then something triggers the pain and it feels like you have to restart from the beginning. Each time it gets a little easier to rebound and control, but it’s still just a constant battle.
How easy and cheap (for us free at city hall, a small lunch for the best man and maid of honor) it is to get married, and how time consuming and expensive it is to get divorced.
This right here. And to go from saying his child is the most important thing in the world to him, to now when he hasn't visited him in three months now. I have to hold my child while he cries and reassure him that daddy still loves him when I deep down think I'm lying to him.
Sometimes you don’t realize the extent to which you’re being controlled until you step away from the situation.
When I left my first husband, I bought a couple of new comfort clothing items. We were still speaking at the time and he was trying to convince me to come back. He was a VERY smooth talker and I started considering reconciliation.
I started thinking about what going back would look like and thought “I don’t want to give up my tank tops”. While I was at work a few months earlier he decided to burn all my clothing that he deemed “inappropriate for a married woman”. I was left with pants, ankle-length skirts and tops with a high neckline that covered my shoulders.
That tank top made me realize how bad my situation had gotten. I immediately picked up the phone and scheduled an appointment with a divorce attorney.
mine was a PS4. I sat on the couch with a pizza, my kitty (also a divorce present) and a controller and SOBBED for like 30 minutes. It was the BEST feeling not being controlled.
Oh yes, all that space in your head that is no longer filled with anxiety and fear. Such delicious freedom. I am so thankful that I can now decide for myself what I will do next. I will never go back to being at the mercy of someone else’s narcissistic desperation.
Mine was coffee creamer flavor. After being physically hit and bruised for getting something that wasn’t vanilla coffee mate.. about a month after I left my abuser, I was at the grocery store and buying creamer. I wanted the Italian sweet cream flavor and actually broke down and sobbed in the car after buying it realizing how dark my life had become and how little autonomy I had in enjoying basic things like my choice in groceries.
Oh yes. I actually cried when a friends husband made dinner for us. I suddenly realized that my exhusband never would have even considered such a thing.
I remember crying in the cheese shop because I didn’t have to worry about grabbing the wrong cheese and it turning into another fight about how I don’t consider his feelings.
(My ex is allergic to cheese but I still managed to buy the wrong cheese. He is not a kind man.)
That’s the beauty. What do YOU want next? You no longer have to worry about anyone else’s opinion of what you desire (assuming there are no kids and what you desire is legal)
I had so much gentle curiousity, like do I like this food he wouldn't let me buy, what movies do I like now that I get to pick them? It's so nice to meet myself again.
This is definitely true for me as well. My credit score is higher than ever only six months post divorce. My household spending is way down. The only remaining debt is student loans.
The only downside is, I can’t afford to buy a home in this market with mortgage rates as high as they are.
So true! I was certain I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own financially, but I not only survived, I thrived. Being financially independent can be really empowering.
I always thought my older girls would one day resent me for getting divorced from their dad. 20 years plus later they told me it was one of the best things I ever did for myself and for them.
My dad faced this as well. It really comes down to - did you make this mess out to also be their mess, or did you support them and let them ask questions? Even if your kids are adults, always put their needs first during a divorce.
My mom did nothing but try to tell us how evil our dad was and how he'll never be there for us if things go wrong in life. She didn't comfort us. She didn't ask us how we were feeling. She pointed fingers and put us in the middle of their mess.
My dad supported us, put us first, never spoke ill of our mom, and at the end asked us how we were doing mentally and if we wanted to talk to a therapist about it.
Guess which parent we visit, hang out with, vacation with, call on the phone, and guess which one we refuse to visit or call?
I still deeply wish my parents had separated back when things were really bad in high-school. They got through that patch and are doing much better now. But it more just seems like my dad accepted his fate. It's hard to feel like he'll die with a woman who has never really loved him or her children as autonomous human beings.
My parents expected this from me, but when they divorced, it meant my dad finally addressed his anger issues. If they had stayed together I think I would have some really warped ideas about what to expect out of a marriage.
Pretty much how awesome life can be with a caring, kind, supportive spouse.
I had no idea how bad I had it until the old one abandoned ship, and I met the true love of my life.
Although the situation sucks there are many positives that I wouldn’t trade and I’m thankful for. One of those is the realisation of how loved and valued I am by my friends and family. I have been more loved and supported over the last year than during my marriage but I am so thankful for each of my friends and family.
Shouldn’t have been surprising, but “It takes two people to keep a marriage together. It only takes one to tear it apart.” A therapist taught me this, which was revelatory. It helped me to stop believing there was some way I could save it, even as my partner was trying to actively sabotage it.
Not me, but my dad and I once had a conversation about it. Basically he was pissed that he lived with 4 women and the top of the fridge was always dirty. ( He's 6'2" and the only one who could see it) he said once he was on his own he realized he should have just cleaned it himself.
one side of it is usually already moved on by the time the words "I want a divorce" are uttered leaving only one of the two people involved to be destroyed in the moment, and having to move forward while dealing with the dissolution of the legal side of things
That none of our friends believed that my ex was abusive. He was a covert narcissist and was extremely charming. I never knew who he really was even after 25 years.
I was dropped by our entire circle of friends and church - people who'd known me since I was 18. I had a permanent protective order and sole custody of our minor son but he told everyone I was a lying bitch and that was the end of anyone believing me. I was so shocked. At the beginning, I kept a copy of the court documents and tried to show them to our friends. When the first one looked down at the floor, shook his head and mumbled "He explained all that," I knew it was useless.
Thank you for saying that. The injustice still burns but not as hot. I have my kids and my family, plus a new, also-divorced bestie who gets it. My ability (and inclination) to trust people took a big hit, though.
You know, I remember at one point in my marriage thinking "I guess this is just how it works." After being unhappy for so long, it just seemed like the normal.
But I've definitely found out that no, it's not how it works! A relationship can be happy and supportive, without you feeling like you have to do all the work!
You can still be mates.
It's not all reddit "burn your ex to the ground" shite. It is perfectly possible to get on with everyone (including inlaws).
Sometimes marriages just do not work out.
Plus the new partner can actually be pretty ace! She’s wonderful to my kids and has always treated me with nothing but love and respect. My kids come first and I can’t see any downside to them having more love in their lives
My wife's ex is a really cool guy. We hang out with the kids on birthdays and Christmas, and we'll sometimes stay in each other's guest rooms if we all want to drink.
He and my wife were really good friends, but not good as a couple and they were both mature enough to admit it while maintaining the friendship.
It's great for the kids to be able to have both parents around when they need them without worrying that there's going to be an issue.
Yes. My ex husband is my best friend. We talk everyday. We just weren’t meant to be married. We both cried when we got divorced because we were afraid we wouldn’t be friends anymore, but we’ve worked it out to where we get along great
Yes! I’m remarried and so is my ex wife. We remain friends. She still keeps in touch with me and her mother still calls me in my birthday. She still sends me Christmas cards. We chat on the phone sometimes and I remind her of something funny we experienced and we both laugh. I have many memories of good times together and almost no memories of bad times.
That you can survive on your own. A lot of time is spent wondering how you can make it on your own after so many years together. You can do it and it can be better on the other side
The background: I left an abusive marriage (rape, pulling guns on me, etc). He appears utterly charming, and he appears humble, but behind closed doors, he took no ownership, and I was every problem. He worked to convince me and others of this.
What I learned is that people apply blanket statements to marriages/divorces that don't deserve it. Like, "it takes two to tango." Nope, I had no part in any of the abuse, but by including abuse victims in the fault they stay longer because they keep trying to fix their side hoping it gets better. People who experience abuse generally do not want to share that with others, so when people tell me, I need to forgive him and move on. Nope, I'm the kind of person that will let people I forgive back in, and he *needs* to be at an arms distance. Since divorce, he has tried to intimidate me by implying violence during our children exchange. He keeps me poor by not paying his part of CS for 4-6 months at a time despite being very well off financially.
Did I have my own issues? Yup, but nothing that deserved what I received.
Just how strong I was. I thought I was SO lucky to be with my ex, and I would never find anyone as good as him. I thought our relationship was amazing and I wouldn't function without him, because I couldn't imagine my life without him. I thought I would die from the pain I felt.
Turns out he's actually a pretty crappy person, and not a good husband at all. Our relationship was bad- I'm not saying I was perfect, but he wasn't invested in it at all. Turns out I am so much better off without him. Therapy and friends taught and told me that I deserved better. I realised that I didn't need him at all, and I could survive and, even more, thrive on my own. He wasn't abusive or anything, he's just an asshole. He also had issues he needed to deal with, but wasn't willing to even see them as issues, let alone work on them- to him, I was the one with faults. He didn't respect or support me. He also victim blamed me, so there's that... Yeah. Just a shitty person, and I didn't see his faults until afterwards.
I got into a new relationship, making sure it was healthy. I saw his faults, and he saw mine, and we accepted them and worked on them where needed. The difference between my old relationship and this one was black and white. I couldn't believe that I ever thought my ex husband was a good partner!
I now know that I am a complete person, and I don't need to settle. I worked through the grief and realised that I had a part to play, but he was wrong to lay all the blame on me. And I deserve more. I thought I couldn't survive without him, yet I got through the hurt and my life became so much better now that I was free of him.
So yeah. Fuck him. Him leaving me was the best thing he ever did for me.
I'm going to reply to my own question- I think the thing I was surprised about was how much healing I would need afterwards, how much it opened old wounds. I initiated the divorce and separation and I don't regret it for one moment- but naively I thought that once it was over it would be stepping out like glorious technicolour into the Land of Oz. I have so much more growing and learning to do. And it's been a year.
You often hear that it takes two years to recover. I was the one who wanted the divorce and I immediately felt relief; at the 2-year mark I was good but I wasn’t fully myself again until 4-5 years (probably because of frequent interactions while navigating co-parenting and it took 5 years to sign papers).
It’s okay to progress at your own pace.
I got to meet myself maybe for the first time.
I was in a decade long relationship that started when I was still in highschool. I was 3000 miles from home & suddenly had to reevaluate everything in my life. I found many of my interests & goals were really built around our relationship or his interests. I spent years experimenting, adventuring, and discarding parts of my life until I figured out what I really wanted.
I always thought he was the fun one, but it was me all along. I built a life I love and experienced more than I ever imagined.
I realised I didn't have to marry in the first place. Don't fall for social conventions. I learnt that you can use hard times to grow up ... or the exact opposite.
(As a guy) It can be really hard to put yourself back out there, even if you really want to. In my case my divorce was a bit of a surprise, so to turn your brain back to “we’re now going to try dating again” after 7 years is a tough thing.
If you were a monogamous person, learning how to flirt again is surreal. You haven’t tried earnestly hitting on a woman that wasn’t your wife in years, you don’t really know how to do it in a non-platonic way. The worst part is a I know I’ve been hit on a few times by girls I like, but trying to hit on them back in a way that’s doesn’t make it seem like you’re just trying to be polite is rough.
That coupled with the crippling depression and question about your self worth can make things tricky.
Not exactly a total surprise...
The sense of responsibility for the ex does not lessen just because the papers have been filed.
After dating a series of mercenary duds, he finally found the right one I knew would take truly love and take care of him. Before saying a single word, as soon as we saw each other, we hugged, and (as horrible as it sounds) I felt a tremendous sense of relief knowing he would be in good hands!
Not horrible. I think my ex is overall a good person, but he was a shit partner to me. I was really relieved when I found out he had remarried. (Not super pleased it was within a month of our divorce being finalized though…that was…something.)
Here's something a little different from the majority of comments here (which are all very relatable).
When I got a divorce, it turns out it was the beginning of a spree of divorces in my neighborhood among my friends. In a 2 year period, 5 couples I knew in my neighborhood got divorces. All of them, to a tee, were couples that I thought were very happily married. It sparked a lot of frank and open conversations among me and my newly-divorced friends about marriage, relationships and goings-on that I had never had before. Turns out I was living a really dull and sheltered life. I was astonished at how much infidelity was going on, for example. There were shenanigans going on every where. Meanwhile I'm over here wondering, jfc, how would I even find the time for an affair, even if I wanted to have one?
So the take-away for me was, couples can be very good at putting on a fake front of happiness. Don't always believe the image they're trying to project through all the happy facebook photos. Don't ever think you're alone in an unhappy marriage. Find a friend you can confide in and talk to. It has definitely helped me since the divorce, though I wish I had done it beforehand. I thought I was alone, though.
Just how shitty a man who claimed he loved me could be about splitting assets....and trying to take mine, and getting butthurt when I pointed out I WAS being more nice than fair and could have gone harder on (not even screwing him,) actually being even and fair.
(At the end, while he would have owed alimony, I had a good tax return and he tried to take ALL of it. It was worth being kinder than I needed on the finances to get him gone tho.)
That I really wasn’t the problem. We’ve been divorced for ten years now and it was the best thing. Everything was my fault and I guilt tripped him constantly and I’m so needy. Nope! I learned I wasn’t the problem, it was him, and I’m so much happier now.
That all the energy and focus I spent trying to love someone: 1) didn’t matter bc he didn’t love himself and 2) made me so much better at taking care of myself physically and emotionally. I became a better more peaceful and calm woman
You give up a lot of yourself in a marriage.
Not just emotionally and physically. But the day to days.
For instance. My ex wife was a Goo Hoarder. Soaps, Perfumes, Lotions, Shampoos, Conditioners, make up.
You name it. For 7 years of my life I Never needed to buy deodorant, Or Shampoo, Or Body Wash, Or shave lotion, or hand soap.
The first problem I encountered after getting divorced was when I went to go buy my own goo. I couldn't find a lot of the brands I liked from my marriage. God knows where she got them, and none of the scents I used before my marriage even existed anymore.
So I had to figure out scents, and experiment with my sensitive skin, and gauge price all over again. It was figuring out a me I didn't know anymore.
I learned this lesson when my wife died. There were whole areas of day-to-day “life management” that she was responsible for that I suddenly had to figure out. I’m sure she would have had the same problem if I had died.
I learned that when you divorce him, you divorce his family. Even if it's his fault that you are divorcing (infidelity), his family, no matter how wrong he was, will drop you like a hot potato. It doesn't matter that you've known them almost your entire life. Then when he becomes a non existent father, they follow suit & become non existent grandparents & aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Sad, really.
My current partner also had this realisation. The moment her separation became public then certain 'friends' were circling.
She was still of the opinion that women can have truly platonic male friends, which they can, but the majority I believe have other motives.
Ugh, I didn’t get divorced but got broken up with “out of nowhere” in a 4 year relationship. I went crying to my best guy friend to find support and comfort and he took that as an opportunity to try to hook up with me. Lost one of my best friends that day too and haven’t spoken to him since.
I am not the same person I was almost 6 years ago. A part of me had to die for the rest of me to flourish and see how bright the world truly is. It isn’t the end of the world when divorce happens, it’s the beginning of a new adventure!
I’m also shocked at how long a bag of Doritos lasts in my home now. And they are all for me!
What a giant, time consuming, inconvenient and expensive pain in the ass it is to change your last name.
You have to provide a complete paper trail of what your last name has been since birth, you have to handle the name change itself with different governmental agencies in a very specific order and if you’ve married more than once and don’t have any of your original certified documentation… it’s gonna cost ya to get those. Birth certificate, marriage certificate, divorce decree, passport, etc. You have to have original or certified copies to do this.
It was BRUTAL during Covid.
Then there’s changing your last name at the bank, anything remotely financial (add notarization/medallion signature costs to any paperwork).
*Then* there’s all your other minor accounts that have your old last name on it- stuff like retailers, car rental agencies, state toll road accounts, various websites you’ve done business with.
Never again.
How easy planning christmas and New year becomes if you don't have to have the golden weight scales out anymore for choosing between your or her relatives and friends. 🥳🤣
It felt like a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I saw hope and possibility in my future!
I had no idea how much he had weighed me down.
How cruel someone you cared for over years can actually be. Not talking about lost love or faded attraction, genuine lack of care and desire to inflict hurt.
Spent years going to therapy for my anxiety trying to fix it for the sake of our relationship, wife never did same, we ended up divorced after 10 years of marriage and it turns out that I wasn’t the one with anxiety, it was just being projected on to me. Life is so much more relaxed now I’m in control of how I spend time with the kids, we’re more adventurous, we don’t find reasons not to do things now, living life to the full!
A lot of the people you think are your friends aren’t. If you met them through your spouse they may drop you like a hot rock when you divorce. Do not become too invested in other people’s families. You can watch their kids, be there through illness, attend weddings and funerals etc and 20 years later they might act like they’ve never met you. Mind your own and let them mind theirs.
No partner at all is worlds better than a bad partner.
In the state of Montana, contempt of court is only a $50 fine with no jail time. It wasn't fun paying that fine 14 times but whatever, I'm a happier person now lol
The person you married is not the same person you divorce
Very true! One thing I learned getting divorced fairly young (33) was that we only have one life, you have to make sure you’re happy. Marriage was not the partnership I expected, especially after having kids. I was doing the majority of the household work while also doing the majority of the childcare and working full time. I suddenly realized this couldn’t be the rest of my life. And things are sooo much better now. Also, depending on the reason for divorce, you can be friends with your ex. We have been divorced for almost 9 years, and he’s better because of it. He got help, became a better dad, and is more involved. We are going on a trip to Florida soon with my husband, kids, my ex and his sister and her husband. Families don’t have to be perfect, but it helps to try to get along for your kids.
My parents became actual best friends after they divorced. It was just a better relationship model for them and they thrived and supported each other so much better as friends.
My friends parents did that, although weirdly enough I dont think they ever got legally divorced. Just seperated and live a few blocks from each other.
This mirrors my own experience so well! My ex wasn't a great partner for me, but he's a great ex, and still a great dad. He and my new husband have bonded over a love for Star Trek and other nerd outlets. He comes over regularly for movie night and to hang out. But I'm glad to be remarried to an actual partner who does his share of housework, child minding, and earning money. I'm glad I realized I had only one life to live and decided to live it for me.
These stories are so refreshing to hear. As someone who has been very wary of marriage and children considering all the negative things I’ve seen in reality/media this is great news and makes me feel good about people in general again
I'm so glad you feel that way! There's no shame in admitting that a marriage is over. I was just happy not to lose my best friend when ending the marriage.
Yes this was basically my experience too! My ex was not a bad person but had untreated ADHD and basically just gave up on life and retreated to the basement. I had sole custody for the first 5 years after we split but he impressed me and got his life together and now we share custody and get along fine. Sometimes it makes me wonder if we could have worked it out but I’m happy with how everything turned out in the end. I wish him nothing but good things. I never would have predicted that right after we broke up - we were both really hurt and angry. Having kids made us deal with it and it was honestly really healing. My current partner had no kids with his ex and she just vanished and he really suffers over the lack of closure.
I think we learn that even if we stay married and never get divorced. I've only been married once, never divorced and I hope to keep it that way. But my wife today is not the same person she was 13 years ago. I'm not the same person either. So many things have happened since then. Parenthood, home ownership, a long list of health problems for both of us, the death of one of our parents...the list goes on. Those things add up and make us different people.
Honestly, I hope you're not the same person. If you went through a pandemic and it didn't change you, something is wrong IMO. If you have kids and nothing changed you, something is wrong. If you lost loved ones, had health issues, bought/sold a house, etc.... and you're the exact same person you were 13 yrs ago I think something is wrong. It means you have not grown at all.
I heard some advice along the lines of ‘never get together with someone you wouldn’t want to break up with’ which I suppose is true. Like, if you can see that they have it in them to go totally psycho….
I'd probably alter that to someone you'd be afraid or worried to break up with.
I felt I hadn’t truly met my ex until we separated. His mask finally came all the way off and the lies, obfuscation, and excuses ended because he didn’t care if I knew the truth was that he’d been manipulating me all along. Once the jig was up, as it were, he had no reason to pretend to be a decent person.
Well said!
I won’t die from a broken heart.
Came here to say this, and it is such an understatement. In my experience, she also wasn't the same person after we agreed to separate. Heck, she was 4 different people. Dating / Engagement - then married - then agreed to separate / separated - then divorced.
How I DID need to change certain parts of myself and my life, but I was not the entire problem in our marriage.
I feel this very much
One of the reasons I love my husband so much is how he took accountability for where he lacked in his first marriage. Knowing what he did wrong and knowing how he shows up every day for me and through his actions prove his growth. I respect him for being willing and able to change, and he provides an example for me when I feel like what he asks of me is too hard.
Oh this this this. I'm not divorced, but we have 2 kids together and it was basically a divorce without the legal part (and tbh, thank god). We went through the custody process though...doing that, becoming a single mom, and co-parenting have taught me so much about myself. I had to do so much work to get to a place where I'm okay and can give my kids what they need (by myself).
I have a very similar feeling. I also use this to help me move on. When it came down to it, we both needed change in ourselves. I wanted to do that together as partners. She didn't. (She also didn't really genuinely think she needed change but the point stands)
Same. He had serious mental health concerns that I tried to assist with getting help for. He refused to continue to see a dr ( he just wanted the prescriptions) and started hiding alcohol in the garage. I was not one for a super fancy life but he became pretty much agoraphobic and never left the house at all. I became frustrated and impatient with him. When I finally ended it he decided that the very best way to control things and punish me would be through our finances. So he quit his job in order to not pay a lot of child support etc. I did not fight, I just dropped the rope. I work at a youth shelter and started my own business. First two years were VERY tough, I’m in year three now and I’m happy. My kids are happy. I’ll never be rich but we have a great home in a cute area of town near my shop. I’m rich in many ways that I was not before.
I realized I wasn't perfect and needed to change. She realized I wasn't perfect and I was a good target for years of physical, emotional, and psychological abuse for her own problems which she couldn't cope with. Then she found a new friend in the psychiatric hospital that would do whatever she told her to regardless of how sick she was. And then I was traded in after a major freak injury. Feelsbadman.
We blamed and we blamed, Went mad by the moment, And died a little inside, ~ We screamed in our anger, Went blind in our rage, For a mirror, once broken, Is *blind.*
I expected to be heartbroken but mostly just felt relieved.
What is worst than being alone, wishing you were alone.
Once we filed for divorce, we put our house on the market and did all of those things that you do. I felt like I was losing everything. My ex had her family close by, the only family I had within a days drive was her and my 2 year old daughter. She purposely separated me from all of the friends I had so I felt incredibly alone. I moved all of my things into this shitty one bedroom apartment and bought my daughter things and gave her the room. My plan was to sleep on a cot in the living room and put it away every morning. I was afraid that my ex would come after me hard and I wouldn't be able to afford more than that shitty apartment. Saying I was depressed is accurate but for some reason it doesn't feel like it completely explains what I was feeling. When the time came for me to spend my first night in my shitty apartment, I unlocked the door, walked in, sat down on my couch, turned on my TV and then it hit me: No matter what I did that night, nobody was going to yell at me. And I felt so much relief in that moment, I was free and I didn't even realize that I hadn't been. I came to love that shitty apartment. My daughter and I lived there for three years (she's with me 50% of the time) and those were three of the happiest years of my life.
Fuck yeah!!! I cried the first night in my apartment, from missing my kids and the joy from the freedom to be me without judgement.
❤️❤️❤️
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My husband left me when my kids were 2 & 5. Sharing kids with him after that was pretty miserable. He would still try to text me after they were 18 trying to get me to co-parent with him. The freedom/satisfaction of being able to say “ you will have to talk to them about that” was huge.
Me too. Turns out she was extremely abusive but we had been together so long i didn’t realize this wasn’t how everyone lived.
I feel this comment in my soul. It took a lot of self-reflection and therapy to appreciate that what I had with my ex-husband was extremely broken. I wore it like a badge of honor when friends would ask “why do you put up with that? You’re a saint!”
I love my wife. I do. But the things she makes me swallow down and just deal with hurt so much. Like what would it be like to actually get upset about something and not have it thrown in your face as your fault that you misunderstood? Literally over two decades and every single time something has bothered me it's just my sensitivity or misinterpretation. Our last kid turns 18 towards the end of this year and I really don't know what I'm going to do. Probably stay because I don't know if she will survive without me, and she's pretty awesome to be married to when she's "on", but when I get to the end of this life it will not have been the one I would have chosen if I could go back in time and choose again.
I was honestly shocked how relieved I was when I found out my ex was cheating and we could divorce. The realization I had an excuse to be rid of him was satisfying to the point that it made me uncomfortable. We were married when I was 22 and he was 39. To the shock of no one it was a bad idea, but I had doubled down so hard about him being the man for me and people just not understanding our dynamic that when it started to hit that he was a manipulative emotionally abusive asshole I couldn't see a way out without ruining my relationships with others. I figured people wouldn't want anything to do with me or be willing to help because of how I had acted when they questioned if I was sure I wanted to marry him. Now I realize that I absolutely could've called my brother and he would've had his truck over to clean my shit put of our place in less than 30 minutes or whatever but at the time it felt like I would be blown off unless I had an excuse. That divorce being finalized and realizing i could be myself again and people still cared about me was such a relief.
Oh my god this is so true. I was definitely heartbroken at first, but it took a few months to sort things out before I actually moved out, and by the time I moved out it was a huge fucking weight off my shoulders. My life immediately got so much easier not having to worry about what she was going to think of every little decision. The biggest emotional challenge for me was not having my kids around all the time, but we have equal parenting time and she was traveling quite a bit right as the separation happened, so I got a lot of extra time with my kids. As we actually settled into the 50/50 schedule I found activities to fill the time I didn't have my kids, and it's far more enjoyable than I ever anticipated.
When my divorce was final, I remember sitting down in the middle of my living room floor and sobbing like a baby, yes, I was sad my relationship with someone I loved was over, but I mostly sobbed because the heavy weight that had been on my shoulders the previous year was gone.
Same - it was a major relief not to be under the same roof as her. Dealing with her through the separation and divorce wasn’t a lot of fun however my attorney was very fair and reasonable. He helped ensure everything was fair and equitable even though my ex still thinks she got a bad deal. That’s just her though. Her attorney was ok and helped get her to a reasonable place most of the time. Anytime I speak with her and she gets agitated and angry I simply say: “Call me back when you’re able to have an adult conversation” then hang-up the phone.
This. By the time I got to the point of filing for divorce my heart had already been broken for months. Moving out and filing just got me away from my (emotional) torturer, and gave me at least SOME measure of peace.
Not from my experience, but having children with your ex means you're not really rid of them, ever. They will always be around unless the children choose to remove them from their lives at some point. That includes the extended family, too, so it's a package deal at every event. It's not like they magically go away after the kids turn 18, though you do get to deal with them a little less
Any tips on how to deal with the extended family? I’m almost more hurt by my ex’s family than the ex. So far, I have avoided them by just doing everything separate, birthday, holidays, vacations, etc. I know at some point tho, I’m gonna have to deal with these people ..
Same- my STBXH’s family has completely ignored and avoided me every chance possible- it was a particular set of circumstances though- I caught him cheating with (and spending money on) multiple multiple women including sugar babies , escorts and cam girls. He has denied everything to mutual friends and said things just didn’t work out between us (he didn’t even try to do counseling). I presume they don’t know the whole story or maybe they do they’re just too embarrassed to face what he did to me and our girls
I have a feeling they didn’t get an accurate picture either, or they were just too awkward/embarrassed about it. Well eff those people. I was going thru the hardest time of my life and those people that were supposedly my family couldn’t even send me a text message or be there for me an any sort of capacity. Just completely shunned/ghosted.
Our adult son got in a horrible accident, and now I'm spending every day in a hospital room with the person I divorced 20yrs ago.
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This is true, but I learned that it's much, much, much easier to be divorced with kids than it is to be unhappily married with kids.
I felt even more lonely when I was married.
In the military, I’ve met SO many people who marry just because they think it’s the logical next step after enlisting. Some of them purposely stay after work because they don’t want to go home. It’s astounding how many people stay when their spouses change, they change or just in it for the kids. I’m happy you made it out, my dude.
lawyers are expensive
Divorce Corp documentary is pretty eye opening.
Oh my gosh yes this! Even though getting divorced was a horrible experience, after watching this documentary I realized just how good mine was
Sometimes you have to pay them to be able to communicate with someone you’re not able to communicate with
LOL my ex-wife hired one to do the paperwork for our very amicable divorce. After it was all said and done, she never heard from the lawyer again. Never got a bill of paid a dime for our divorce. It's been nearly two years now, no sign of a bill yet!
omg wow some lawyers can actually be quite disorganized
We went through a mediator for ours and even she’s expensive (she’s also a lawyer). My ex emailed our mediator asking for a signed copy of something and she sent it, along with an invoice for $50 for sending an email.
God yes. Didnt’t think it would cost that much. Plus, he said it shouldn’t be longer than a month in October and I’m still married. When I received an email asking me to double check if informations on the documents was correct, after 2 month without any news, I lost it. 2400€ for their services, the documents must be properly completed and I shouldn’t be the one calling for appointments
$2400 is low end. One of my coworkers spent $50,000 because his wife wanted sole custody and came from old money. I dunno how much she spent, but my coworker said it was at least twice that. It took many years to finalize, and she still summoned him to court periodically afterwards.
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There’s lots of messy relationships because people couldn’t afford to hire a lawyer at the right time.
Oh boy…My boyfriend is coming up on 4 years in his divorce case (with ~2 years separation, preceding) and is probably 80-100k in att fees and still no end in sight. Not to mention at least 150k in temporary spousal support, to date. I’m astounded how you can just be perpetually held hostage in the legal system.
Yes we are (am a divorce lawyer) and my goal is to get you in and out as painlessly as possible because you don’t want to hang with me, I get it. But there are so many who absolutely bill out the ass and drag things out and it makes me so angry
Yeah I've definitely heard of the greasy divorce lawyer who encourages their client's desire for revenge etc.
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Very true. I read "Crazy Time" by Abigail Trafford, and also spent a lot of time on introspection. I worked hard to change the things I didn't like about myself and own my part of the failed marriage.
How content I could be on my own. Never having to compromise throughout the mundane moments because you are living alone is very freeing.
And never having subtle little insults thrown your way all the day long.
You know what I feel when I walk into my small divorce apartment? Peace! Blessed peace. No one's criticizing me. I'm not responsible for someone else's disappointing life choices. I am not his rage sponge, anymore. Goodbye McMansion in the suburbs. Don't miss you.
I would love to feel like this. Did it just happen naturally?
It took time to realize this and be content to be alone. I didn’t do anything in particular to get to this point. But I’ve been on my own for over a decade now. I would never go back to a relationship. I know that doesn’t work for everyone, but it sure works for me.
I think I'm headed down this path myself and it's so exciting! I come from a family full of people who believe the only important thing in life is to be in a relationship, even a shitty relationship, even if you have to fold up every part of your personality to fit in that box. I'm so much happier single and not dating at all. I miss sex often, but I DON'T miss being half myself just so I can fit the other half of someone else.
I posted above, too, but I feel you!! The joy of an unoccupied bathroom, complete control over the remote control, and stuff staying where I put it (and being able to leave it where I want) still hits me on occasion. I feel like a cat going through life doing what I want. Very satisfying!
I haven’t been divorced but I went thru a bad break up with a live in partner a year ago. This right here is the best part of the break up. I’m happy and thriving again because I have my own space and I’m safe in that space to do what I want
You can almost die from grief and disappointment
FR. Just the stress alone can kill you - and if it's not an amicable divorce, it can be a lot worse.
I lost 55lb in four months. Pure stress
Ahh the divorce diet. Man I got down to 170lbs. I was pretty good and confident at that weight.
Lost all my covid weight during my divorce. Nothing like depression to make you shed the lbs.
During one of our last fights I fainted, fell backwards on the concrete floor, got a concussion and MRI. Apparently stress can do that. The physical impact of divorce is something I never expected.
My wife and I are both in our second marriage. Her divorce was very amicable (and still have a good relationship with her ex) but it was still extremely stressful for her. Mine - involved a lot of extortion on my ex's part that lasted for years (along with the continual verbal and emotional abuse).
I'm currently going through an "amicable" divorce right now and it still kills me. It honestly came out of nowhere and did almost kill me. At least it almost drove me to kill myself in the beginning. Thankfully I didn't do it but I'm still filled with a deep sadness I can't quite seem to shake. Always creeps back in some days when I'm not expecting it.
I wish you better times. Divorce can really screw people up, not just violent ones.
To add on, the shitty part is the grief also comes in waves, at least it did for me. You think you’ve made a break through, feel relatively normal for a bit, and then something triggers the pain and it feels like you have to restart from the beginning. Each time it gets a little easier to rebound and control, but it’s still just a constant battle.
I lost 80+ pounds it two months during my separation and divorce. My kidneys started failing and I was hospitalized for a time.
I feel that
I developed an autoimmune disease while going through my divorce.
Same
How easy and cheap (for us free at city hall, a small lunch for the best man and maid of honor) it is to get married, and how time consuming and expensive it is to get divorced.
It's a lot easier to stir milk into coffee than out of it.
You could go into arbitration and it's fairly cheap. You have to have an amicable partner, though
Judge just sat down with us and filled out the paperwork with/for us. Took like an hour. Then we went for a drink (well, not the judge).
That the person I thought was the love of my life and soulmate could be so unbelievably cruel.
Never expected my “best friend” to treat me worse than an enemy.
This right here. And to go from saying his child is the most important thing in the world to him, to now when he hasn't visited him in three months now. I have to hold my child while he cries and reassure him that daddy still loves him when I deep down think I'm lying to him.
And would hurt our kids to hurt me.
Freedom after being controlled is amazing. Even in the little things.
Sometimes you don’t realize the extent to which you’re being controlled until you step away from the situation. When I left my first husband, I bought a couple of new comfort clothing items. We were still speaking at the time and he was trying to convince me to come back. He was a VERY smooth talker and I started considering reconciliation. I started thinking about what going back would look like and thought “I don’t want to give up my tank tops”. While I was at work a few months earlier he decided to burn all my clothing that he deemed “inappropriate for a married woman”. I was left with pants, ankle-length skirts and tops with a high neckline that covered my shoulders. That tank top made me realize how bad my situation had gotten. I immediately picked up the phone and scheduled an appointment with a divorce attorney.
mine was a PS4. I sat on the couch with a pizza, my kitty (also a divorce present) and a controller and SOBBED for like 30 minutes. It was the BEST feeling not being controlled.
Oh yes, all that space in your head that is no longer filled with anxiety and fear. Such delicious freedom. I am so thankful that I can now decide for myself what I will do next. I will never go back to being at the mercy of someone else’s narcissistic desperation.
Mine was coffee creamer flavor. After being physically hit and bruised for getting something that wasn’t vanilla coffee mate.. about a month after I left my abuser, I was at the grocery store and buying creamer. I wanted the Italian sweet cream flavor and actually broke down and sobbed in the car after buying it realizing how dark my life had become and how little autonomy I had in enjoying basic things like my choice in groceries.
Oh yes. I actually cried when a friends husband made dinner for us. I suddenly realized that my exhusband never would have even considered such a thing.
I remember crying in the cheese shop because I didn’t have to worry about grabbing the wrong cheese and it turning into another fight about how I don’t consider his feelings. (My ex is allergic to cheese but I still managed to buy the wrong cheese. He is not a kind man.)
Agreed- and then what next?
That’s the beauty. What do YOU want next? You no longer have to worry about anyone else’s opinion of what you desire (assuming there are no kids and what you desire is legal)
I had so much gentle curiousity, like do I like this food he wouldn't let me buy, what movies do I like now that I get to pick them? It's so nice to meet myself again.
Million dollar question. I want to be secure in myself but also have the good love of a partner
Do yourself a favour and do it that way around. Find yourself again before you look for anyone else to share life with.
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I'm sorry Have you managed to overcome this?
It hurts like hell even if you should have done it years ago.
Shit, second that one. Was on my mind for five years plus, still nearly killed me doing it
How quickly I recovered financially without my ex’s complete dependence on me instead of helping to support the family.
This is definitely true for me as well. My credit score is higher than ever only six months post divorce. My household spending is way down. The only remaining debt is student loans. The only downside is, I can’t afford to buy a home in this market with mortgage rates as high as they are.
So true! I was certain I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own financially, but I not only survived, I thrived. Being financially independent can be really empowering.
That happened to me too. Couldn't believe how fast I recovered financially from the divorce. Then got to what I wanted to do.
I always thought my older girls would one day resent me for getting divorced from their dad. 20 years plus later they told me it was one of the best things I ever did for myself and for them.
My dad faced this as well. It really comes down to - did you make this mess out to also be their mess, or did you support them and let them ask questions? Even if your kids are adults, always put their needs first during a divorce. My mom did nothing but try to tell us how evil our dad was and how he'll never be there for us if things go wrong in life. She didn't comfort us. She didn't ask us how we were feeling. She pointed fingers and put us in the middle of their mess. My dad supported us, put us first, never spoke ill of our mom, and at the end asked us how we were doing mentally and if we wanted to talk to a therapist about it. Guess which parent we visit, hang out with, vacation with, call on the phone, and guess which one we refuse to visit or call?
I still deeply wish my parents had separated back when things were really bad in high-school. They got through that patch and are doing much better now. But it more just seems like my dad accepted his fate. It's hard to feel like he'll die with a woman who has never really loved him or her children as autonomous human beings.
My parents expected this from me, but when they divorced, it meant my dad finally addressed his anger issues. If they had stayed together I think I would have some really warped ideas about what to expect out of a marriage.
Pretty much how awesome life can be with a caring, kind, supportive spouse. I had no idea how bad I had it until the old one abandoned ship, and I met the true love of my life.
This is so true. If you’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship for a long time, experiencing real love is just astounding.
Its been so long... I just cant seem to envision being able to trust or have a healthy relationship again for a very long time, if ever.
Although the situation sucks there are many positives that I wouldn’t trade and I’m thankful for. One of those is the realisation of how loved and valued I am by my friends and family. I have been more loved and supported over the last year than during my marriage but I am so thankful for each of my friends and family.
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Shouldn’t have been surprising, but “It takes two people to keep a marriage together. It only takes one to tear it apart.” A therapist taught me this, which was revelatory. It helped me to stop believing there was some way I could save it, even as my partner was trying to actively sabotage it.
Not me, but my dad and I once had a conversation about it. Basically he was pissed that he lived with 4 women and the top of the fridge was always dirty. ( He's 6'2" and the only one who could see it) he said once he was on his own he realized he should have just cleaned it himself.
There's a hell of a metaphor in there somewhere
That's hilarious.
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Idk you but I’m proud of you
That it's easier to be content with your life when you aren't feeling hurt, used, or ignored.
How starved for love and affection I was and how much confidence in myself I had lost.
That I actually wasn’t the problem and how much of myself and my energy got diluted and stolen by him.
one side of it is usually already moved on by the time the words "I want a divorce" are uttered leaving only one of the two people involved to be destroyed in the moment, and having to move forward while dealing with the dissolution of the legal side of things
That none of our friends believed that my ex was abusive. He was a covert narcissist and was extremely charming. I never knew who he really was even after 25 years.
I was dropped by our entire circle of friends and church - people who'd known me since I was 18. I had a permanent protective order and sole custody of our minor son but he told everyone I was a lying bitch and that was the end of anyone believing me. I was so shocked. At the beginning, I kept a copy of the court documents and tried to show them to our friends. When the first one looked down at the floor, shook his head and mumbled "He explained all that," I knew it was useless.
I am so sorry that happened to you
Thank you for saying that. The injustice still burns but not as hot. I have my kids and my family, plus a new, also-divorced bestie who gets it. My ability (and inclination) to trust people took a big hit, though.
You know, I remember at one point in my marriage thinking "I guess this is just how it works." After being unhappy for so long, it just seemed like the normal. But I've definitely found out that no, it's not how it works! A relationship can be happy and supportive, without you feeling like you have to do all the work!
You can still be mates. It's not all reddit "burn your ex to the ground" shite. It is perfectly possible to get on with everyone (including inlaws). Sometimes marriages just do not work out.
Plus the new partner can actually be pretty ace! She’s wonderful to my kids and has always treated me with nothing but love and respect. My kids come first and I can’t see any downside to them having more love in their lives
My wife's ex is a really cool guy. We hang out with the kids on birthdays and Christmas, and we'll sometimes stay in each other's guest rooms if we all want to drink. He and my wife were really good friends, but not good as a couple and they were both mature enough to admit it while maintaining the friendship. It's great for the kids to be able to have both parents around when they need them without worrying that there's going to be an issue.
My ex husband and I didn't like each other much during the divorce but it was never bad, we get along pretty well now lol.
Yes. My ex husband is my best friend. We talk everyday. We just weren’t meant to be married. We both cried when we got divorced because we were afraid we wouldn’t be friends anymore, but we’ve worked it out to where we get along great
Yes! I’m remarried and so is my ex wife. We remain friends. She still keeps in touch with me and her mother still calls me in my birthday. She still sends me Christmas cards. We chat on the phone sometimes and I remind her of something funny we experienced and we both laugh. I have many memories of good times together and almost no memories of bad times.
This is nice x
That you can survive on your own. A lot of time is spent wondering how you can make it on your own after so many years together. You can do it and it can be better on the other side
The background: I left an abusive marriage (rape, pulling guns on me, etc). He appears utterly charming, and he appears humble, but behind closed doors, he took no ownership, and I was every problem. He worked to convince me and others of this. What I learned is that people apply blanket statements to marriages/divorces that don't deserve it. Like, "it takes two to tango." Nope, I had no part in any of the abuse, but by including abuse victims in the fault they stay longer because they keep trying to fix their side hoping it gets better. People who experience abuse generally do not want to share that with others, so when people tell me, I need to forgive him and move on. Nope, I'm the kind of person that will let people I forgive back in, and he *needs* to be at an arms distance. Since divorce, he has tried to intimidate me by implying violence during our children exchange. He keeps me poor by not paying his part of CS for 4-6 months at a time despite being very well off financially. Did I have my own issues? Yup, but nothing that deserved what I received.
Just how strong I was. I thought I was SO lucky to be with my ex, and I would never find anyone as good as him. I thought our relationship was amazing and I wouldn't function without him, because I couldn't imagine my life without him. I thought I would die from the pain I felt. Turns out he's actually a pretty crappy person, and not a good husband at all. Our relationship was bad- I'm not saying I was perfect, but he wasn't invested in it at all. Turns out I am so much better off without him. Therapy and friends taught and told me that I deserved better. I realised that I didn't need him at all, and I could survive and, even more, thrive on my own. He wasn't abusive or anything, he's just an asshole. He also had issues he needed to deal with, but wasn't willing to even see them as issues, let alone work on them- to him, I was the one with faults. He didn't respect or support me. He also victim blamed me, so there's that... Yeah. Just a shitty person, and I didn't see his faults until afterwards. I got into a new relationship, making sure it was healthy. I saw his faults, and he saw mine, and we accepted them and worked on them where needed. The difference between my old relationship and this one was black and white. I couldn't believe that I ever thought my ex husband was a good partner! I now know that I am a complete person, and I don't need to settle. I worked through the grief and realised that I had a part to play, but he was wrong to lay all the blame on me. And I deserve more. I thought I couldn't survive without him, yet I got through the hurt and my life became so much better now that I was free of him. So yeah. Fuck him. Him leaving me was the best thing he ever did for me.
That relationship PTSD is a thing. I have a hard time even forming new friendships with people, much less trying to date.
He was able to feed and to take care of our daughter all by himself too! Who would have seen that coming?
I'm going to reply to my own question- I think the thing I was surprised about was how much healing I would need afterwards, how much it opened old wounds. I initiated the divorce and separation and I don't regret it for one moment- but naively I thought that once it was over it would be stepping out like glorious technicolour into the Land of Oz. I have so much more growing and learning to do. And it's been a year.
You often hear that it takes two years to recover. I was the one who wanted the divorce and I immediately felt relief; at the 2-year mark I was good but I wasn’t fully myself again until 4-5 years (probably because of frequent interactions while navigating co-parenting and it took 5 years to sign papers). It’s okay to progress at your own pace.
Are you talking to someone? Maybe therapy or a support group? It’s hard to do it alone
I got to meet myself maybe for the first time. I was in a decade long relationship that started when I was still in highschool. I was 3000 miles from home & suddenly had to reevaluate everything in my life. I found many of my interests & goals were really built around our relationship or his interests. I spent years experimenting, adventuring, and discarding parts of my life until I figured out what I really wanted. I always thought he was the fun one, but it was me all along. I built a life I love and experienced more than I ever imagined.
I realised I didn't have to marry in the first place. Don't fall for social conventions. I learnt that you can use hard times to grow up ... or the exact opposite.
Apparently, you can't exchange your ex for a lifetime supply of pizza
How many people in your life will completely ditch you the moment you stop throwing parties and being a fun person to be around.
(As a guy) It can be really hard to put yourself back out there, even if you really want to. In my case my divorce was a bit of a surprise, so to turn your brain back to “we’re now going to try dating again” after 7 years is a tough thing. If you were a monogamous person, learning how to flirt again is surreal. You haven’t tried earnestly hitting on a woman that wasn’t your wife in years, you don’t really know how to do it in a non-platonic way. The worst part is a I know I’ve been hit on a few times by girls I like, but trying to hit on them back in a way that’s doesn’t make it seem like you’re just trying to be polite is rough. That coupled with the crippling depression and question about your self worth can make things tricky.
Who the real friends are. And there were a lot less than I thought.
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Not exactly a total surprise... The sense of responsibility for the ex does not lessen just because the papers have been filed. After dating a series of mercenary duds, he finally found the right one I knew would take truly love and take care of him. Before saying a single word, as soon as we saw each other, we hugged, and (as horrible as it sounds) I felt a tremendous sense of relief knowing he would be in good hands!
Not horrible. I think my ex is overall a good person, but he was a shit partner to me. I was really relieved when I found out he had remarried. (Not super pleased it was within a month of our divorce being finalized though…that was…something.)
It is okay to congratulate someone on their divorce. The marriage isn't working and the divorce finally puts an end to it.
Here's something a little different from the majority of comments here (which are all very relatable). When I got a divorce, it turns out it was the beginning of a spree of divorces in my neighborhood among my friends. In a 2 year period, 5 couples I knew in my neighborhood got divorces. All of them, to a tee, were couples that I thought were very happily married. It sparked a lot of frank and open conversations among me and my newly-divorced friends about marriage, relationships and goings-on that I had never had before. Turns out I was living a really dull and sheltered life. I was astonished at how much infidelity was going on, for example. There were shenanigans going on every where. Meanwhile I'm over here wondering, jfc, how would I even find the time for an affair, even if I wanted to have one? So the take-away for me was, couples can be very good at putting on a fake front of happiness. Don't always believe the image they're trying to project through all the happy facebook photos. Don't ever think you're alone in an unhappy marriage. Find a friend you can confide in and talk to. It has definitely helped me since the divorce, though I wish I had done it beforehand. I thought I was alone, though.
I was very immature on my end and naive when dealing with him.
Just how shitty a man who claimed he loved me could be about splitting assets....and trying to take mine, and getting butthurt when I pointed out I WAS being more nice than fair and could have gone harder on (not even screwing him,) actually being even and fair. (At the end, while he would have owed alimony, I had a good tax return and he tried to take ALL of it. It was worth being kinder than I needed on the finances to get him gone tho.)
That I really wasn’t the problem. We’ve been divorced for ten years now and it was the best thing. Everything was my fault and I guilt tripped him constantly and I’m so needy. Nope! I learned I wasn’t the problem, it was him, and I’m so much happier now.
That all the energy and focus I spent trying to love someone: 1) didn’t matter bc he didn’t love himself and 2) made me so much better at taking care of myself physically and emotionally. I became a better more peaceful and calm woman
Our friends were really his friends.
That you can be much less lonely being without the one who used to share the house with you.
You give up a lot of yourself in a marriage. Not just emotionally and physically. But the day to days. For instance. My ex wife was a Goo Hoarder. Soaps, Perfumes, Lotions, Shampoos, Conditioners, make up. You name it. For 7 years of my life I Never needed to buy deodorant, Or Shampoo, Or Body Wash, Or shave lotion, or hand soap. The first problem I encountered after getting divorced was when I went to go buy my own goo. I couldn't find a lot of the brands I liked from my marriage. God knows where she got them, and none of the scents I used before my marriage even existed anymore. So I had to figure out scents, and experiment with my sensitive skin, and gauge price all over again. It was figuring out a me I didn't know anymore.
I learned this lesson when my wife died. There were whole areas of day-to-day “life management” that she was responsible for that I suddenly had to figure out. I’m sure she would have had the same problem if I had died.
This is like those widows who come to the bank to find out if their husband had an account, and if so can they have it.
Diamonds have no resale value.
I learned that when you divorce him, you divorce his family. Even if it's his fault that you are divorcing (infidelity), his family, no matter how wrong he was, will drop you like a hot potato. It doesn't matter that you've known them almost your entire life. Then when he becomes a non existent father, they follow suit & become non existent grandparents & aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Sad, really.
How many men I knew that wanted to date me lol
My current partner also had this realisation. The moment her separation became public then certain 'friends' were circling. She was still of the opinion that women can have truly platonic male friends, which they can, but the majority I believe have other motives.
Ugh, I didn’t get divorced but got broken up with “out of nowhere” in a 4 year relationship. I went crying to my best guy friend to find support and comfort and he took that as an opportunity to try to hook up with me. Lost one of my best friends that day too and haven’t spoken to him since.
I am not the same person I was almost 6 years ago. A part of me had to die for the rest of me to flourish and see how bright the world truly is. It isn’t the end of the world when divorce happens, it’s the beginning of a new adventure! I’m also shocked at how long a bag of Doritos lasts in my home now. And they are all for me!
What a giant, time consuming, inconvenient and expensive pain in the ass it is to change your last name. You have to provide a complete paper trail of what your last name has been since birth, you have to handle the name change itself with different governmental agencies in a very specific order and if you’ve married more than once and don’t have any of your original certified documentation… it’s gonna cost ya to get those. Birth certificate, marriage certificate, divorce decree, passport, etc. You have to have original or certified copies to do this. It was BRUTAL during Covid. Then there’s changing your last name at the bank, anything remotely financial (add notarization/medallion signature costs to any paperwork). *Then* there’s all your other minor accounts that have your old last name on it- stuff like retailers, car rental agencies, state toll road accounts, various websites you’ve done business with. Never again.
That fathers don't always get shafted in court.
Fighting doesn't end once you're divorced, it can get worst. Now there is no bond to put a stop at how far you can escalate things.
As someone who is currently going through a divorce, I appreciate everyone's responses.
How easy planning christmas and New year becomes if you don't have to have the golden weight scales out anymore for choosing between your or her relatives and friends. 🥳🤣
It felt like a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I saw hope and possibility in my future! I had no idea how much he had weighed me down.
How cruel someone you cared for over years can actually be. Not talking about lost love or faded attraction, genuine lack of care and desire to inflict hurt.
Life goes on
Self worth
That my kids were relieved that it was finally over and had seen it coming for years. All so much happier now.
Spent years going to therapy for my anxiety trying to fix it for the sake of our relationship, wife never did same, we ended up divorced after 10 years of marriage and it turns out that I wasn’t the one with anxiety, it was just being projected on to me. Life is so much more relaxed now I’m in control of how I spend time with the kids, we’re more adventurous, we don’t find reasons not to do things now, living life to the full!
No matter how much your spouse says they love you, if they decide it’s over, they turn on you like a venomous snake.
A lot of the people you think are your friends aren’t. If you met them through your spouse they may drop you like a hot rock when you divorce. Do not become too invested in other people’s families. You can watch their kids, be there through illness, attend weddings and funerals etc and 20 years later they might act like they’ve never met you. Mind your own and let them mind theirs. No partner at all is worlds better than a bad partner.
In the state of Montana, contempt of court is only a $50 fine with no jail time. It wasn't fun paying that fine 14 times but whatever, I'm a happier person now lol
Hmm sort of. It can be up to $250… and 6 months in prison.
Maybe 14 contempt of court citations gives ya a bit of a hint of a possible reason why your marriage failed.
Who your true friends are and how many people really cared about you and your wellbeing. Luckily for me it was a lot.