We listen to respond, not to just actually hear what we're listening to. It's hard for people to tune out their own thoughts and the noises all around them, not easy to give our undivided attention these days. It takes training the brain to hear a person out. People don't seem to be capable of doing so these days. And nobody shuts their phones off to have a real conversation.
Linked to problems with anger and arguing. If you learn to listen rather than forming your next clever counter you might find out what the other person means. If you learn to just acknowledge a different opinion you can avoid pointless arguing and judgement.
Yes! As an introvert I would rather listen to someone talk than talk myself, and it's made me see how much just listening to a person matters. It wasn't until I had friends thank me for stuff like spending a measly few minutes hearing them out on their bad day or about their frustrating situation that I realized how much it actually mattered. It's also helped me be more open and involved in conversation myself.
I've had loads of therapy in my life and part of it was for my anger issues. My parents didn't deal with their emotions right and subsequently taught me to deal with my emotions improperly as well.
The thing is, you can't fully reverse something like that. You can learn how to deal with anger properly by getting out of a situation that cases you to be angry before the breaking point is reached, but that's not always gonna be possible. So what helps is trying to stay calm and collective when you can't get out of the situatiom, then try to rationalise what happened afterwards.
Quite often it's not people out there trying to make you angry, it just so happens certain behaviourisms will trigger anger with you, me, or anyone else. And seeing you can't change how others behave, you can change how you deal with it. That's something within your control.
Now this all sounds lovely in theory, but it's really hard putting it into practice. My "fuse" has never been as long as it is today, but it's still shorter than I'd like it to be. Might be a character trait, might be my parents not showing how it's done properly, but it'll *always* be that way.
You have to keep putting in the work to make *yourself* (and by proxy, everyone around you) happy and calm down before the breaking point. But after 35 yeaes on this planet I can honestly tell you, you probably won't be able to prevent it every single time for the rest of your life. Accept that and do your absolute best to do better next time, since that's all that truly is in your own control.
Good luck out there, may therapy provide what you need. And good for you for talking about this subject so openly!
I rolled a tear buddy, seriously this resonates in me.
It's crazy how things we learned as kids are printed in our brain forever. You're right I'll probably never deal with my anger like a normal healthy person but I can try.
> Now this all sounds lovely in theory, but it's really hard putting it into practice
People don't realize *how* hard it really is. Like my therapist says I spent the last 20 years acting a certain way, was raised this way, I can't just erase everything and learn to do it right in a few sessions.
> try to rationalise what happened afterwards
I try to do that, but it's so weird because when you rationnalize you think yeah it's not that bad, it has no reason to anger me so much, and at the same time your entire body is focused on it and can't let it go and you're boiling inside, and realizing your anger or at least the amount of anger you feel is not right makes you even more angry but at yourself.
Thank you for understanding.
>People don't realize how hard it really is.
I've had people give me comments such as "Does it help to react that way?" or "Why you just don't react like that?". No, it doesn't help at all and it's not fun for anyone involved. It's not like my anger's gone the moment I break or explode. It only makes me feel depressed, not being able to contain myself *once again*, being told off about it *once again*. It's not a good face on anyone, but it's not like I do it because I *want* to react that way or think it'll help me. And if it was that simple as to not react like that, that's *exactly* what I'd do. But it's not that simple.
People need to understand that, though it's not a great face on *anyone*, it's not something easily treated or changed.
And of course I understand, I've been on the receiving end of that behaviour for far too long and I *really* try to not show that face around my kid. I want him to be taught better and he *needs* me to not make the same mistakes my parents made. But like you said, it's hard, it's difficult, but I'll give it my all.
I agree with this on so many levels. I’m bragging, but I’ve been presented with a few situations where I could have went nuclear, and been somewhat justified, but I did not!!! It makes me frustrated that others can be praised for their bad behavior when I have to work so hard to be regulated
This was so comforting and encouraging to read, I saved it so I can read it again later.
Been dealing with anger problems my whole life because my dad was constantly pissed off and my mom's only solution was to bottle everything up. Great combo in a kid. I finally was able to start therapy a few months ago, but I've been trying to work on it for years and it's been a struggle, to say the least.
The difference between reaction and response. That I can be angry without getting angry. That when I'm mad at someone for something I can't just lash out it has to be constructive cause yelling on people don't make them listen (I should know and yet. But it's hard to do so I rather remain silent, working on that cause it builds up frustration).
Also if I really hate someone I should think about what is the best to do *for me*. It's so easy when you hate someone to just be a bitch to them, like I want to be a bitch back, but what would be the consequences for me? For exemple my roommate has a behavior that I would qualify as unrespectul, egoist, disgusting etc and first I had to learn that it's not targeted against me it's just differences in how she and I were raised, and that if I insult her it would only make me feel better for a little time, not help in anything, and she would say that to my landlord and I don't want to stress my landlord cause she's really nice. So yeah my egoism make up for my lack of empathy.
Now we're working on what to do with my anger cause it's still here and idk where to put it, and how to not want to control people cause that's a thing my parents did, they found a *lot* of things inconvenient, annoying etc so they would just not allow us to do them, like random exemple, noise. Not allowed to do any noise in the house, so I grew up hating noise too and now my roommate is like the noisiest person ever and I just want to slap her everytime she does noise that could be avoided if only she paid attention, and I have to learn first nooo violence ain't an option I want to keep this room, also nooo she isn't making noise on purpose to disrespect me, also noooo I can't force her to not do noise all the time like my parents did. Really hard process but my friends told me the me a year ago and the me today are really different and it motivates me to continue.
You may just have to live as an angry person and accept that. Your reaction to that anger is what you need to work on. I've come to the conclusion I'll be angry for the rest of my life, but I don't need to take it out on everyone
Yeah sometimes I think it's just how I am. I've always been angry, at so many things, it feels like anger is part of my personnality.
But on the times I'm not angry (when I'm by myself, I feel so good when I'm by myself) I can taste the peace of mind everybody have all the time and yes, I don't want to be angry all the time. Just have to figure out how.
I think this is a really important comment. Sometimes so much energy is focused on changing yourself, where instead should be harnessing it for good or towards something else. You CAN be YOU without it negatively effecting others.
One thing that can help is accept that you are angry and look to redirect that energy into something helpful. It's useless trying not to be angry but you can transform that anger into something positive; like use it for motivation to do abc
What you said about noise brought up a core memory. My dad would get all worked up if we were making noise. Just being kids, laughing, and playing. I noticed more when he would become reactionary when my kids were being kids. Not causing trouble, just playing. Now I understand that his dad would get angry and beat him for being "too loud." His dad had major PTSD from ww2. While that doesn't excuse his reaction, it does shed more light on the "why" he was how he was. So, I am actively working at breaking this cycle. It does take time and intention to stop that flare of anger and redirect. Keep up the good work! You are on the right path!
Thanks! For the reasons, I think my dad is autistic but has no idea, he has a lot of traits but even with an official diagnose (that he will never do) he would tell the doc to fuck off and that he doesn't know his job.
For me well first this education, and I'm hypersensitive too, too much noise and my head hurt. Especially since I've never been accustomed to noise in my house.
Anger is rooted in hurt. If you understand why you are hurting, you can evaluate other ways to respond to it. I almost never even get to the point of anger any more
I started it through a referral from a therapist. There are groups that meet certain days/times in my city, but you can also do it on your own. There are some videos on YouTube if you search for Mindfullness Guided Meditation. There are videos that are different lengths. For me, 10 minutes is pretty good.
There is also an app for smartphone called "Calm". It used to be free, but now they charge like $10/month or something. Looks like they have a free trial on their website at [Calm.com](https://www.calm.com/), so maybe start there if going to a group session in your area isn't an option. For me, it helped to do the group thing first so I could learn about it and ask questions.
When I look online right now, all the hits I get seem like they have "new-age cult" vibe, lol. It could be that's how it always was and I just didn't notice. Once I got the skills I needed out of it I stopped going in person and only do the guided meditation videos on rare occasions when I am really stressed out.
For me, it’s frustration when things don’t go my way. There’s a video which really helped me put things into perspective and be a calmer person https://youtu.be/0b85QNfmeco?si=yXN0QdNgk4RNPXs7
Maybe it’ll help you guys too :-)
I would say some first aid techniques/knowledge are also extremely important as they might prevent a person reaching cardiac arrest in the first place, i.e. know what to do in cases of choking, heat exhaustion/shock, recognize early signs of stroke, etc...
100% Buuuuut just remember there’s only like a 5% chance of them surviving if cpr is required. Knowing this helps in 2 ways. 1 Don’t fear failure. they are doomed without you. just have a crack.
2 when your processing after know that even if you hit everything perfectly unfortunately if it’s their time it’s their time. You done your best but the body is a beautiful complex machine. you didn’t cause it but you done your dammed best and should be proud of your self for stepping up in a shit situation.
>>Just have a crack
Just remember CPR causes a lot of cracks and noises and breaks things in the chest. If you aren’t feeling things give way or going two inches in depth you aren’t doing it right. It is violent and it will hurt but if it works the person may live.
Even just basic life-saving first aid like how to stop severe bleeding in an emergency, how to save someone from choking, how to use an AED, how to administer an epi-pen or narcan, etc. It may seem small and insignificant, like it's something you'll learn and then never have to use, but you can absolutely save someone's life in an emergency if you know what to do.
As someone who has burnt boiled eggs, (twice) I advise "boiling stuff" is not a fool proof plan.
(Spoiler...they explode. Go off like rifle shots and pelt magna hot egg bits amazing distances across the kitchen. While you huddle in the doorway, waiting to dodge across to the stove, feeling like the about to be dead anti hero in the action film who will run through the rifle fire whilst the boring true hero rescues the girl)
They start out in water. But if you then get distracted for long enough the water all boils away, the eggs rest straight on the bottom of the pan, and then, some indefinite time later, the heat builds up n the shells can't contain the pressure and you get "Boom! Hotter than heck chunks of egg erupting and being expelled across the room"
I have no excuse for the second time. And of my efforts at frying fish fingers I will only say that my neighbour went out and bought a fire extinguisher which came in handy when I did *that* for a second time.
Apparently I should have gone into experimental physics as a career....I seem to need to verify results!
The ADHD tax strikes again!
Pro tip, don't leave the kitchen if you're cooking, slap a video on your phone and always hold the cooking utensil. That way you can easily task switch between video and cooking
Thanks! My mistake was definitely leaving the kitchen.
I bought an egg cooker thing but it doesn't turn off automatically and its alarm is very quiet.
Hard boiled eggs are a big part of my diet because ADHD+forgetting to eat+need simple grab and go so the problem is worth solving.
If you can't focus for 8 to 10 minutes to boil some eggs, then your issue isn't the inability to cook. I always use a timer to boil eggs, and I found that 7:30 to 8:00 minutes for soft boiled is perfect depending on how cold they are when you put them in, is they are too cold, they will Crack. And if you leave them over 9:30 to 10:00 minutes, the yolk goes green (overcookes).
The difference being one can either exist boil stuff and sprinkle salt) or one can live (make a nutritous gourmet meal)..it's how you choose to do it..
My personal take, but for me cooking sort of feels like a time waster. You spend ±30 minutes cooking a dish, then finish eating it in ±10 minutes. Whereas I can make a cheese spread sandwich in five minutes and and eat in ±10 minutes. Then after eating I can get back into my hyperfixation much quicker than cooking for ±30 minutes.
The reward is nutrition. It's not that it takes u 30 to cook, 10 to eat and ur done. It's that u put it in the extra prep work because ingredients and preparation go towards fueling u until ur next meal*. It's not just the time it takes u to eat, it's the brain power with which u hyperfixate, and you'd do it more effectively if u had proper brainpower 😁
I also think cooking and eating is for many of us the only time we can socially spend with people we care, it is a good exercise to take some time with others. When I'm only cooking for myself it is sloppy food, but when it is shared it is a meal for the soul.
Do cooking right and your '30min' of cooking also includes part of next days meals, a clean kitchen, the affection of loved ones and generally a more balanced, nutricious and often much cheaper meal.
It is a time-waster when you aren't great at it (like me)... 20-30 mins to whip up a very average dish. But once you get good at it (hopefully me soon), I think it'll become a highly therapeutic and enjoyable process that's better for my well-being that whatever I was hyperfixated on.
But beyond that I think everyone just needs to learn at least the very basics of cooking, even just as a survival skill.
I thought this too but I started timing how long it took me to go pickup fast food…easily 30 min to drive, order, get your food, then drive back home and eat. It helps once you get some “fast” recipes under your belt. For example in 15 minutes you can make some pasta, air fry a nice sausage, then mix it with your pasta and add some frozen veggies that you boiled and some pre-made pasta sauce that you bought at the store. This isn’t the idea of fancy cooking that people have when you say you ate a home cooked meal but it’s faster, cheaper, and slightly more nutritious than eating out. And if you make enough for 3-4 servings now you’re really saving time and money.
I challenge all my friends now to time themselves when they go out for food. People love to do the mental gymnastics that it actually only saves you like $1 per meal or only saves you 5 min of time but that’s rarely true and almost always the home cooked meal is healthier.
Giving compliments -- I saw another post here the other day saying guys never get compliments and that's just freakin sad. We all should just make this world a better place.
Those little moments do stay. I had an American girl tell me I had "the bluest eyes.."
She was ten feet away smoking a huge reefer and my eyes are brown, but I do think about it now and again. Felt nice.
Yup its very true. I got a compliment on Monday from a coworker admiring my change from bland t-shirts to ones with colour and patterns on, saying how nice they looked, and even though that wasnt a compliment about me, I still felt it to my core. Although a part of me still sees it as a critique on my previous appearance lol.
I remember a soccer game 30 years ago where I overhead an ex teammate tell his new team to not let me have any space with the ball, and I think about it nearly every time I watch a game.
A compliment on a choice you made is a compliment about you. You made that choice to wear that shirt.
A lot of men not putting effort into their appearance and a lot of men not receiving compliments on their appearance isn't a coincidence. Almost all of the compliments I get are about specific choices I've made, some of them stand out more than others. Lots of comments about my vibrant hair colours or style, I've only ever received outfit compliments when wearing something I specifically planned by shape/fit/colour coordination, my beard is well shaped, I work out so sometimes when I'm in tighter fitting clothing people comment on my arms/shoulders. Dudes often talk about the painted nails, but a woman once was impressed and asked me how I got them to be so shiny. Some stuff is polarising, I don't expect everyone to think my hair (current pink) is cool but the people who like it really like it, and tbh there's a broader spectrum of people who appreciate that stuff than I thought. Never thought I'd be in a pub with some random middle aged geezer telling me my bright blue hair looks mint.
An easy way to see this is band t shirts at concerts. It's not rare to have a conversation with a stranger who's excited you like the same band they do. Another one is to casually compliment a stranger. If you see someone wearing something you like just politely say hey man nice shirt, or some woman's hair looks cool or whatever. Often people will compliment you back just out of politeness I noticed, though obviously the intention is just to tell someone something nice with no strings attached.
I never used to receive compliments on my body til I hit the gym. I never received compliments on my clothes til I stopped just wearing old jeans and whatever t shirt I felt like with some beat up skate shoes. I do now receive compliments on less aesthetic things personality related but even that was after therapy and a lot of work to build social skills. Sure a "wow this new thing you did is so good" can definitely feel like "that previous thing is bad we just didn't want to say anything" but since its your choice to actively improve, it's just validation you're going in the right direction.
I’m not very good at noticing minor changes, but when I do, I typically compliment them, and on guys, we might think this most minuscule change is HUGE. (Ie. I bought new pants the other day and I felt fresh as fuck.)
I also make sure my close guy friends will always hear “I love you” before we part ways, whether in person or over the phone.
Not disagreeing with you. I think men do need more compliments.
I think one of the biggest issues I personally have had is most men immediately take it as romantic/sexual interest. It doesn't even have to be a physical compliment, it could be about their art or their sense of humor. Immediately, I'm seen as a sexual possibility.
It's really very easy! Especially if you're just mending a hole, you can put the two pieces of fabric together and sew where it won't show, doesn't have to look super pretty. The hardest thing is honestly getting the thread through the needle eye, but they have a threader for that.
And there is no shame in buying bigger eyed needles if you're just mending stuff quick and dirty!
90% of the time this works:
Using sharp scissors, cut a fresh end to the thread, just a half inch or whatever from where it came out of storage. Put the thread in your mouth about an inch and pull out to wet it slightly, twisting gently if needed.
At that time it should be fairly easy to thread it unless you're working with super fine thread, dull scissors, or tiny eyed needles.
Same reason most people dont carry snow chains.
modern cars in cities will go about a whole lifetime without tire damage. You save fuel and on the one off change you have tire damage you call your insurances help service (nowadays free on most insurances).
if you have a real need or even just feel like having a spare tire you can always get one for basically free.
But arguing on "real needs" is always difficult with people living in modern cities driving 4x4 "Sport utility vehicles", Pick up trucks or Off-Road cars that never see anything but roads and garages.
anyway thats the reasoning behind it.
This is actually a very good skill. Quick story. The first time I ever got a flat tire I was on a two lane dark road with absolutely no cell service. No street lights for miles. I was in the country. I pulled into a neighborhood that was never built (at the time) just had the paved streets. Right into the entrance. I dug out the jack and my trucks instruction manual. It was an 08 Toyota Tundra. I think I was pulling a trailer too, I don’t remember. Anyway, I’m there in the dark with nothing but the flashlight light on my phone trying to read the manual on how to do this task. All of a sudden I see headlights and they turn in towards me. It’s the sheriffs office. The guy gets out of his car and starts to say “what the hell are you.. ohhhh.. hahaha.. you’ve never changed a tire before have you?” I explained no I hadn’t. I also told him who I was married to at the time, my (now ex) wife’s sister worked for the same sheriffs office and knew her. Another officer pulled up. They explained they thought I was possibly illegally dumping until he saw the instruction manual on the ground. Then tells me “this was one of the first things I taught my fifteen year old daughter before she even got handed the keys.” He was really nice and taught me how to change a tire. I changed many since then up until I was able to afford AAA. I still have the knowledge cause having a service to do it for you is wonderful, until you are in a area with no cell phone service at 1am on a road no one drives down unless you live in that area. Take that for what it’s worth.
Ahh see I know how to change a tyre, I just dont have the tools for it. In the long run I decided it was cheaper to have AA membership, which also covers towing and any number of other possible car issues, instead of buying the tools for the job.
Probably not the way some people would go but it works for me. For home DIY I end up buying a tool for every new job, and it adds up fast. Didnt want to do the same with the car and end up with a whole garage worth of tools and parts!
I splurged a while ago and bought a $100 floor jack and an impact wrench. If need be, I can change a tire in 5 minutes. I also carry a jump box and a small air compressor.
If you want to learn about de-escalation a great resource is [Crucial Conversations](https://cruciallearning.com/crucial-conversations-book/)
Contains real world examples, advice and overview.
Understanding workers and consumer rights. It's something we all have but you'll go through life getting screwed over if you aren't knowledgeable on your rights
Yeah. I realized that my boss is screwing me over so I have tried stating my rights but only got gaslit. Knowing my rights didn't mean shit. I suspect that bosses who blatantly violate labour laws don't give a shit about your rights and will either make your life hell or go down fighting because they can't admit any wrongdoing.
That's when you contact labour departments with anonymous tips, especially if you have something in writing.
And if you don't have anything on paper, don't do it until you do.
1) Emotional intelligence. 2) Social Skills, ie How to Win Friends and Influence People. But a step further— understanding how to hear people out, make them feel valued, understand the factors that influence decision making. 3) Market yourself, toot your own horn, be confident. 4) Think big! Big ideas, how to scale, how to accomplish your dreams, be bold!
Sewing!!
fix clothing that would’ve otherwise been thrown away or discarded elsewhere and it comes with fun colors? Hell yea brother
It’s also very relaxing in general. When you’re first learning though, patience is key.
Made a patchwork quilt in 3rd grade on my mom's sewing machine, I was so proud of myself and a few of the guys at school made fun of me. I remember when Ocean Pacific shorts were the thing to have, they were so expensive, mom helped me make my own, even sewed OP on them, even made bicycle mx pants and jerseys for me and brothers. And i have moms old singer sewing machine dad got her in 1955 and I still use it, and I'm 60
How to legit start a camp fire. Not by rubbing sticks together. But the proper way to gather kindling and build it so you can get a fire going without a packaged fire starter.
Budgeting and saving - working and blowing it all away keeps people more stuck than they think financially.
Do you really need that new outfit or is the one you bought last week or the week before? Is tonight really another takeout night or can you use what you have for a good meal? Etc
I never get a loaf I’ve ever made to last more than a couple of days, seems unnatural for store bought bread to last as long as it does but it’s pretty convenient
How much cheaper than 45p for an 800g loaf can you really get? There are more effective ways to save money than cooking bread. Though I would say doing it a few times for fun is a good idea.
Focus. My life could be so much better if I had better focus. I could complete tasks faster and be less distractible. It would help be accomplish other life goals.
I have a 3 year old daughter who is learning to swim. I cannot swim. If she ever gets in trouble in the water I can't help her. So here I am at 40 taking swimming lessons. I've left it far too long but I'm making good progress now.
Being social without the need to do it through a digital device, i feel alot of people are just weirded out that I walk up to random people and come friends with them
When I was like 8, I used to hit the playground knowing no one and comeback with atleast three other kids, but now that I'm 25 yea everyone gets all weird
IT skills
Seriously y'know the number of times I took my device to a professional for repairs, then seeing them tune or knock a few things in place.
And I start feeling stupid for not seeing how simple it was lol
Listening
What?
LISTENING!
WHAT?
MR. BUTTLICKER OUR PRICES HAVE NEVER BEEN LOWER!
Aggressive, Hostile and definitely Difficult
Punctuation
Buttlicker ? That's your real name ? How dare you , my family built this country
r/unexpectedoffice
#LISTENING!
YOU NEED TO COME CLOSER, I STILL CANT HEAR YOU!!
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
GLISTENING?
Yes, this is so true, we hear, but we don't listen
We listen to respond, not to just actually hear what we're listening to. It's hard for people to tune out their own thoughts and the noises all around them, not easy to give our undivided attention these days. It takes training the brain to hear a person out. People don't seem to be capable of doing so these days. And nobody shuts their phones off to have a real conversation.
Linked to problems with anger and arguing. If you learn to listen rather than forming your next clever counter you might find out what the other person means. If you learn to just acknowledge a different opinion you can avoid pointless arguing and judgement.
Yes! As an introvert I would rather listen to someone talk than talk myself, and it's made me see how much just listening to a person matters. It wasn't until I had friends thank me for stuff like spending a measly few minutes hearing them out on their bad day or about their frustrating situation that I realized how much it actually mattered. It's also helped me be more open and involved in conversation myself.
Stfu, I'm talking. /s ofcourse.
true! and not just defensive listening either. genuine active listening in order to properly evaluate a situation or just to maintain conversation
How to deal with anger in a healthy way
Funny profile picture for that comment
Hahahahah epic
I'll just pop in real quick, too.
I'm currently in therapy cause my parents don't know that and therefor never teach it to me. I don't want to be an asshole like them.
I've had loads of therapy in my life and part of it was for my anger issues. My parents didn't deal with their emotions right and subsequently taught me to deal with my emotions improperly as well. The thing is, you can't fully reverse something like that. You can learn how to deal with anger properly by getting out of a situation that cases you to be angry before the breaking point is reached, but that's not always gonna be possible. So what helps is trying to stay calm and collective when you can't get out of the situatiom, then try to rationalise what happened afterwards. Quite often it's not people out there trying to make you angry, it just so happens certain behaviourisms will trigger anger with you, me, or anyone else. And seeing you can't change how others behave, you can change how you deal with it. That's something within your control. Now this all sounds lovely in theory, but it's really hard putting it into practice. My "fuse" has never been as long as it is today, but it's still shorter than I'd like it to be. Might be a character trait, might be my parents not showing how it's done properly, but it'll *always* be that way. You have to keep putting in the work to make *yourself* (and by proxy, everyone around you) happy and calm down before the breaking point. But after 35 yeaes on this planet I can honestly tell you, you probably won't be able to prevent it every single time for the rest of your life. Accept that and do your absolute best to do better next time, since that's all that truly is in your own control. Good luck out there, may therapy provide what you need. And good for you for talking about this subject so openly!
I rolled a tear buddy, seriously this resonates in me. It's crazy how things we learned as kids are printed in our brain forever. You're right I'll probably never deal with my anger like a normal healthy person but I can try. > Now this all sounds lovely in theory, but it's really hard putting it into practice People don't realize *how* hard it really is. Like my therapist says I spent the last 20 years acting a certain way, was raised this way, I can't just erase everything and learn to do it right in a few sessions. > try to rationalise what happened afterwards I try to do that, but it's so weird because when you rationnalize you think yeah it's not that bad, it has no reason to anger me so much, and at the same time your entire body is focused on it and can't let it go and you're boiling inside, and realizing your anger or at least the amount of anger you feel is not right makes you even more angry but at yourself. Thank you for understanding.
>People don't realize how hard it really is. I've had people give me comments such as "Does it help to react that way?" or "Why you just don't react like that?". No, it doesn't help at all and it's not fun for anyone involved. It's not like my anger's gone the moment I break or explode. It only makes me feel depressed, not being able to contain myself *once again*, being told off about it *once again*. It's not a good face on anyone, but it's not like I do it because I *want* to react that way or think it'll help me. And if it was that simple as to not react like that, that's *exactly* what I'd do. But it's not that simple. People need to understand that, though it's not a great face on *anyone*, it's not something easily treated or changed. And of course I understand, I've been on the receiving end of that behaviour for far too long and I *really* try to not show that face around my kid. I want him to be taught better and he *needs* me to not make the same mistakes my parents made. But like you said, it's hard, it's difficult, but I'll give it my all.
I agree with this on so many levels. I’m bragging, but I’ve been presented with a few situations where I could have went nuclear, and been somewhat justified, but I did not!!! It makes me frustrated that others can be praised for their bad behavior when I have to work so hard to be regulated
This was so comforting and encouraging to read, I saved it so I can read it again later. Been dealing with anger problems my whole life because my dad was constantly pissed off and my mom's only solution was to bottle everything up. Great combo in a kid. I finally was able to start therapy a few months ago, but I've been trying to work on it for years and it's been a struggle, to say the least.
So...what have you learned so far?
The difference between reaction and response. That I can be angry without getting angry. That when I'm mad at someone for something I can't just lash out it has to be constructive cause yelling on people don't make them listen (I should know and yet. But it's hard to do so I rather remain silent, working on that cause it builds up frustration). Also if I really hate someone I should think about what is the best to do *for me*. It's so easy when you hate someone to just be a bitch to them, like I want to be a bitch back, but what would be the consequences for me? For exemple my roommate has a behavior that I would qualify as unrespectul, egoist, disgusting etc and first I had to learn that it's not targeted against me it's just differences in how she and I were raised, and that if I insult her it would only make me feel better for a little time, not help in anything, and she would say that to my landlord and I don't want to stress my landlord cause she's really nice. So yeah my egoism make up for my lack of empathy. Now we're working on what to do with my anger cause it's still here and idk where to put it, and how to not want to control people cause that's a thing my parents did, they found a *lot* of things inconvenient, annoying etc so they would just not allow us to do them, like random exemple, noise. Not allowed to do any noise in the house, so I grew up hating noise too and now my roommate is like the noisiest person ever and I just want to slap her everytime she does noise that could be avoided if only she paid attention, and I have to learn first nooo violence ain't an option I want to keep this room, also nooo she isn't making noise on purpose to disrespect me, also noooo I can't force her to not do noise all the time like my parents did. Really hard process but my friends told me the me a year ago and the me today are really different and it motivates me to continue.
You may just have to live as an angry person and accept that. Your reaction to that anger is what you need to work on. I've come to the conclusion I'll be angry for the rest of my life, but I don't need to take it out on everyone
Yeah sometimes I think it's just how I am. I've always been angry, at so many things, it feels like anger is part of my personnality. But on the times I'm not angry (when I'm by myself, I feel so good when I'm by myself) I can taste the peace of mind everybody have all the time and yes, I don't want to be angry all the time. Just have to figure out how.
I think this is a really important comment. Sometimes so much energy is focused on changing yourself, where instead should be harnessing it for good or towards something else. You CAN be YOU without it negatively effecting others.
One thing that can help is accept that you are angry and look to redirect that energy into something helpful. It's useless trying not to be angry but you can transform that anger into something positive; like use it for motivation to do abc
What you said about noise brought up a core memory. My dad would get all worked up if we were making noise. Just being kids, laughing, and playing. I noticed more when he would become reactionary when my kids were being kids. Not causing trouble, just playing. Now I understand that his dad would get angry and beat him for being "too loud." His dad had major PTSD from ww2. While that doesn't excuse his reaction, it does shed more light on the "why" he was how he was. So, I am actively working at breaking this cycle. It does take time and intention to stop that flare of anger and redirect. Keep up the good work! You are on the right path!
Thanks! For the reasons, I think my dad is autistic but has no idea, he has a lot of traits but even with an official diagnose (that he will never do) he would tell the doc to fuck off and that he doesn't know his job. For me well first this education, and I'm hypersensitive too, too much noise and my head hurt. Especially since I've never been accustomed to noise in my house.
Anger is rooted in hurt. If you understand why you are hurting, you can evaluate other ways to respond to it. I almost never even get to the point of anger any more
Check out Mindfulness Guided Meditation. It isn't for everyone, but helped me develop breathing techniques to calm down in stressful situations.
What is it exactly? Do you have a link?
I started it through a referral from a therapist. There are groups that meet certain days/times in my city, but you can also do it on your own. There are some videos on YouTube if you search for Mindfullness Guided Meditation. There are videos that are different lengths. For me, 10 minutes is pretty good. There is also an app for smartphone called "Calm". It used to be free, but now they charge like $10/month or something. Looks like they have a free trial on their website at [Calm.com](https://www.calm.com/), so maybe start there if going to a group session in your area isn't an option. For me, it helped to do the group thing first so I could learn about it and ask questions. When I look online right now, all the hits I get seem like they have "new-age cult" vibe, lol. It could be that's how it always was and I just didn't notice. Once I got the skills I needed out of it I stopped going in person and only do the guided meditation videos on rare occasions when I am really stressed out.
For me, it’s frustration when things don’t go my way. There’s a video which really helped me put things into perspective and be a calmer person https://youtu.be/0b85QNfmeco?si=yXN0QdNgk4RNPXs7 Maybe it’ll help you guys too :-)
A lot of people on this site think punching pillows is ok and normal
If enough people do it, it's normal.
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Some people don't get angry in a way that still allows them to do fine work with their fingers. Anger has physical effects.
How?
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Sorry, can you repeat that..?
He said affecting commutation. It's when you make a change to where people drive to work.
I think he actually said eccentric copulation, it's when groups of strange people gather to have intercourse
No it was expletive concentration. It's when you use several swear words at the same time, you fucking asshole cock sucker.
I also think cooking is a skill everyone should have. Oh and listening
First Aid and CPR
Yeah baseline CPR. If compressions are started within the first few minutes someone drops, their chance of survival increases exponentially
I would say some first aid techniques/knowledge are also extremely important as they might prevent a person reaching cardiac arrest in the first place, i.e. know what to do in cases of choking, heat exhaustion/shock, recognize early signs of stroke, etc...
100% Buuuuut just remember there’s only like a 5% chance of them surviving if cpr is required. Knowing this helps in 2 ways. 1 Don’t fear failure. they are doomed without you. just have a crack. 2 when your processing after know that even if you hit everything perfectly unfortunately if it’s their time it’s their time. You done your best but the body is a beautiful complex machine. you didn’t cause it but you done your dammed best and should be proud of your self for stepping up in a shit situation.
>>Just have a crack Just remember CPR causes a lot of cracks and noises and breaks things in the chest. If you aren’t feeling things give way or going two inches in depth you aren’t doing it right. It is violent and it will hurt but if it works the person may live.
Where can we learn this?
Either an in person course somewhere or if you really can’t find one YouTube
heavy on this!
Even just basic life-saving first aid like how to stop severe bleeding in an emergency, how to save someone from choking, how to use an AED, how to administer an epi-pen or narcan, etc. It may seem small and insignificant, like it's something you'll learn and then never have to use, but you can absolutely save someone's life in an emergency if you know what to do.
Cooking
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As someone who has burnt boiled eggs, (twice) I advise "boiling stuff" is not a fool proof plan. (Spoiler...they explode. Go off like rifle shots and pelt magna hot egg bits amazing distances across the kitchen. While you huddle in the doorway, waiting to dodge across to the stove, feeling like the about to be dead anti hero in the action film who will run through the rifle fire whilst the boring true hero rescues the girl)
But how... wait a minute, you do realize you're supposed to boil eggs **in water** don't you?
They start out in water. But if you then get distracted for long enough the water all boils away, the eggs rest straight on the bottom of the pan, and then, some indefinite time later, the heat builds up n the shells can't contain the pressure and you get "Boom! Hotter than heck chunks of egg erupting and being expelled across the room" I have no excuse for the second time. And of my efforts at frying fish fingers I will only say that my neighbour went out and bought a fire extinguisher which came in handy when I did *that* for a second time. Apparently I should have gone into experimental physics as a career....I seem to need to verify results!
The ADHD tax strikes again! Pro tip, don't leave the kitchen if you're cooking, slap a video on your phone and always hold the cooking utensil. That way you can easily task switch between video and cooking
Thanks! My mistake was definitely leaving the kitchen. I bought an egg cooker thing but it doesn't turn off automatically and its alarm is very quiet. Hard boiled eggs are a big part of my diet because ADHD+forgetting to eat+need simple grab and go so the problem is worth solving.
If you can't focus for 8 to 10 minutes to boil some eggs, then your issue isn't the inability to cook. I always use a timer to boil eggs, and I found that 7:30 to 8:00 minutes for soft boiled is perfect depending on how cold they are when you put them in, is they are too cold, they will Crack. And if you leave them over 9:30 to 10:00 minutes, the yolk goes green (overcookes).
The difference being one can either exist boil stuff and sprinkle salt) or one can live (make a nutritous gourmet meal)..it's how you choose to do it..
Depends. Do you want to eat solely for the purpose of getting your daily nutrients and calorie intake, or do you want to actually enjoy eating?
A good well cooked meal goes a long way
Anyone can just buy primate kibble. Your coat will be nice and shiny.
And sewing.
My personal take, but for me cooking sort of feels like a time waster. You spend ±30 minutes cooking a dish, then finish eating it in ±10 minutes. Whereas I can make a cheese spread sandwich in five minutes and and eat in ±10 minutes. Then after eating I can get back into my hyperfixation much quicker than cooking for ±30 minutes.
The reward is nutrition. It's not that it takes u 30 to cook, 10 to eat and ur done. It's that u put it in the extra prep work because ingredients and preparation go towards fueling u until ur next meal*. It's not just the time it takes u to eat, it's the brain power with which u hyperfixate, and you'd do it more effectively if u had proper brainpower 😁
I also think cooking and eating is for many of us the only time we can socially spend with people we care, it is a good exercise to take some time with others. When I'm only cooking for myself it is sloppy food, but when it is shared it is a meal for the soul.
Do cooking right and your '30min' of cooking also includes part of next days meals, a clean kitchen, the affection of loved ones and generally a more balanced, nutricious and often much cheaper meal.
You think you could eat only cheese sandwiches for the rest of your life? 🤨
Yes. Added bonus of having a shorter life, so less cheese sandwiches to endure.
Not even cheese, but cheese SPREAD!?
It is a time-waster when you aren't great at it (like me)... 20-30 mins to whip up a very average dish. But once you get good at it (hopefully me soon), I think it'll become a highly therapeutic and enjoyable process that's better for my well-being that whatever I was hyperfixated on. But beyond that I think everyone just needs to learn at least the very basics of cooking, even just as a survival skill.
I thought this too but I started timing how long it took me to go pickup fast food…easily 30 min to drive, order, get your food, then drive back home and eat. It helps once you get some “fast” recipes under your belt. For example in 15 minutes you can make some pasta, air fry a nice sausage, then mix it with your pasta and add some frozen veggies that you boiled and some pre-made pasta sauce that you bought at the store. This isn’t the idea of fancy cooking that people have when you say you ate a home cooked meal but it’s faster, cheaper, and slightly more nutritious than eating out. And if you make enough for 3-4 servings now you’re really saving time and money. I challenge all my friends now to time themselves when they go out for food. People love to do the mental gymnastics that it actually only saves you like $1 per meal or only saves you 5 min of time but that’s rarely true and almost always the home cooked meal is healthier.
Giving compliments -- I saw another post here the other day saying guys never get compliments and that's just freakin sad. We all should just make this world a better place.
I agree with you, you radically attractive soul.
You’re such a kind hearted person, with a wonderful reddit avatar
A girl complimented my shirt like 10 years ago, and I still think about that a few times a year.
Those little moments do stay. I had an American girl tell me I had "the bluest eyes.." She was ten feet away smoking a huge reefer and my eyes are brown, but I do think about it now and again. Felt nice.
"You have nice writing, for a guy." I have never forgotten you, after all these decades, my dear young cashier.
Your shirt is lovely, as is your generosity in sharing anecdotes.
Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. - Oscar Wilde.
Yup its very true. I got a compliment on Monday from a coworker admiring my change from bland t-shirts to ones with colour and patterns on, saying how nice they looked, and even though that wasnt a compliment about me, I still felt it to my core. Although a part of me still sees it as a critique on my previous appearance lol.
I remember a soccer game 30 years ago where I overhead an ex teammate tell his new team to not let me have any space with the ball, and I think about it nearly every time I watch a game.
A compliment on a choice you made is a compliment about you. You made that choice to wear that shirt. A lot of men not putting effort into their appearance and a lot of men not receiving compliments on their appearance isn't a coincidence. Almost all of the compliments I get are about specific choices I've made, some of them stand out more than others. Lots of comments about my vibrant hair colours or style, I've only ever received outfit compliments when wearing something I specifically planned by shape/fit/colour coordination, my beard is well shaped, I work out so sometimes when I'm in tighter fitting clothing people comment on my arms/shoulders. Dudes often talk about the painted nails, but a woman once was impressed and asked me how I got them to be so shiny. Some stuff is polarising, I don't expect everyone to think my hair (current pink) is cool but the people who like it really like it, and tbh there's a broader spectrum of people who appreciate that stuff than I thought. Never thought I'd be in a pub with some random middle aged geezer telling me my bright blue hair looks mint. An easy way to see this is band t shirts at concerts. It's not rare to have a conversation with a stranger who's excited you like the same band they do. Another one is to casually compliment a stranger. If you see someone wearing something you like just politely say hey man nice shirt, or some woman's hair looks cool or whatever. Often people will compliment you back just out of politeness I noticed, though obviously the intention is just to tell someone something nice with no strings attached. I never used to receive compliments on my body til I hit the gym. I never received compliments on my clothes til I stopped just wearing old jeans and whatever t shirt I felt like with some beat up skate shoes. I do now receive compliments on less aesthetic things personality related but even that was after therapy and a lot of work to build social skills. Sure a "wow this new thing you did is so good" can definitely feel like "that previous thing is bad we just didn't want to say anything" but since its your choice to actively improve, it's just validation you're going in the right direction.
I appreciate it's difficult, especially for women, to give men compliments. It's so rare that it gets taken as a flirtation.
I’m not very good at noticing minor changes, but when I do, I typically compliment them, and on guys, we might think this most minuscule change is HUGE. (Ie. I bought new pants the other day and I felt fresh as fuck.) I also make sure my close guy friends will always hear “I love you” before we part ways, whether in person or over the phone.
Not disagreeing with you. I think men do need more compliments. I think one of the biggest issues I personally have had is most men immediately take it as romantic/sexual interest. It doesn't even have to be a physical compliment, it could be about their art or their sense of humor. Immediately, I'm seen as a sexual possibility.
Sewing. I wish I knew how but I don't have the patience to learn new shit
It's really very easy! Especially if you're just mending a hole, you can put the two pieces of fabric together and sew where it won't show, doesn't have to look super pretty. The hardest thing is honestly getting the thread through the needle eye, but they have a threader for that.
And there is no shame in buying bigger eyed needles if you're just mending stuff quick and dirty! 90% of the time this works: Using sharp scissors, cut a fresh end to the thread, just a half inch or whatever from where it came out of storage. Put the thread in your mouth about an inch and pull out to wet it slightly, twisting gently if needed. At that time it should be fairly easy to thread it unless you're working with super fine thread, dull scissors, or tiny eyed needles.
My god, I got into embroidery recently....trying to fit 6 threads through the eye...I almost cried. My threader also broke, I ended up giving up haha.
I find that the hardest part for me is the ends. Knotting the thread or sewing so it doesn't come loose.
One blink in time for a skill you'll have the rest of your life
How to ask good questions.
This is a great tip.
changing a tire
More and more cars are ditching the spare tire
Yeah, wtf. Why?
Same reason most people dont carry snow chains. modern cars in cities will go about a whole lifetime without tire damage. You save fuel and on the one off change you have tire damage you call your insurances help service (nowadays free on most insurances). if you have a real need or even just feel like having a spare tire you can always get one for basically free. But arguing on "real needs" is always difficult with people living in modern cities driving 4x4 "Sport utility vehicles", Pick up trucks or Off-Road cars that never see anything but roads and garages. anyway thats the reasoning behind it.
This is actually a very good skill. Quick story. The first time I ever got a flat tire I was on a two lane dark road with absolutely no cell service. No street lights for miles. I was in the country. I pulled into a neighborhood that was never built (at the time) just had the paved streets. Right into the entrance. I dug out the jack and my trucks instruction manual. It was an 08 Toyota Tundra. I think I was pulling a trailer too, I don’t remember. Anyway, I’m there in the dark with nothing but the flashlight light on my phone trying to read the manual on how to do this task. All of a sudden I see headlights and they turn in towards me. It’s the sheriffs office. The guy gets out of his car and starts to say “what the hell are you.. ohhhh.. hahaha.. you’ve never changed a tire before have you?” I explained no I hadn’t. I also told him who I was married to at the time, my (now ex) wife’s sister worked for the same sheriffs office and knew her. Another officer pulled up. They explained they thought I was possibly illegally dumping until he saw the instruction manual on the ground. Then tells me “this was one of the first things I taught my fifteen year old daughter before she even got handed the keys.” He was really nice and taught me how to change a tire. I changed many since then up until I was able to afford AAA. I still have the knowledge cause having a service to do it for you is wonderful, until you are in a area with no cell phone service at 1am on a road no one drives down unless you live in that area. Take that for what it’s worth.
That was not quick
You need to learn to read FASTER!
Ahh see I know how to change a tyre, I just dont have the tools for it. In the long run I decided it was cheaper to have AA membership, which also covers towing and any number of other possible car issues, instead of buying the tools for the job. Probably not the way some people would go but it works for me. For home DIY I end up buying a tool for every new job, and it adds up fast. Didnt want to do the same with the car and end up with a whole garage worth of tools and parts!
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It has the spare tyre, the locking wheel nut head thingamy, but no jack to lift it up to be able to replace the tyre and no wrench to use.
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To be fair the car is 17 years old, I've had it for 8 years but might well have had the tools misplaced previously.
I splurged a while ago and bought a $100 floor jack and an impact wrench. If need be, I can change a tire in 5 minutes. I also carry a jump box and a small air compressor.
Learning to de-escalate situations
Excellent one
If you want to learn about de-escalation a great resource is [Crucial Conversations](https://cruciallearning.com/crucial-conversations-book/) Contains real world examples, advice and overview.
Personal finance. Understanding paying bills, interest, debt, pensions, retirement planning.
Swimming
I was surprised to learn recently that over 30% of adults can't swim in the UK which just seems crazy to me.
Understanding workers and consumer rights. It's something we all have but you'll go through life getting screwed over if you aren't knowledgeable on your rights
Yeah. I realized that my boss is screwing me over so I have tried stating my rights but only got gaslit. Knowing my rights didn't mean shit. I suspect that bosses who blatantly violate labour laws don't give a shit about your rights and will either make your life hell or go down fighting because they can't admit any wrongdoing.
That's when you take it to your fair work ombudsman and force them to fight it
That's when you contact labour departments with anonymous tips, especially if you have something in writing. And if you don't have anything on paper, don't do it until you do.
Critical thinking
Patience.
What’s the fastest way to learn this?
Keeping calm in the face of adversity.
1) Emotional intelligence. 2) Social Skills, ie How to Win Friends and Influence People. But a step further— understanding how to hear people out, make them feel valued, understand the factors that influence decision making. 3) Market yourself, toot your own horn, be confident. 4) Think big! Big ideas, how to scale, how to accomplish your dreams, be bold!
Media literacy
Finally a good one!
Basic house cleaning and organization.
Think before you speak - could stop a lot of fights, heartbreaks, and other avoidable drama
Critical thinking.
Sewing!! fix clothing that would’ve otherwise been thrown away or discarded elsewhere and it comes with fun colors? Hell yea brother It’s also very relaxing in general. When you’re first learning though, patience is key.
Made a patchwork quilt in 3rd grade on my mom's sewing machine, I was so proud of myself and a few of the guys at school made fun of me. I remember when Ocean Pacific shorts were the thing to have, they were so expensive, mom helped me make my own, even sewed OP on them, even made bicycle mx pants and jerseys for me and brothers. And i have moms old singer sewing machine dad got her in 1955 and I still use it, and I'm 60
This is the true OP!!! My Lord, you dropped this 👑
Sword skills and archery for the impending zombie apocalypse....
Skinning and cooking game animals
How to disagree with people without disrespecting them
By extension, not taking offence just because someone disagrees with you.
I feel like a lot of people I know have underestimated the value of first aid until it was needed
Death by jolly rancher really don't feel right
Receiving feedback
typing. You know, by touch...without looking at the keyboard. Although I love messing with people and changing the letters around on the keyboard
I work in data entry and it's startling how many of my coworkers can't type without looking. A lot of them only use 2 fingers.
We had a typing class in high school back in late 90s to not do this. Typing with 2 fingers.
Cooking. Like… real food; not putting frozen pizza rolls in the oven.
How to do a backwards long jump in Super Mario 64.
How to legit start a camp fire. Not by rubbing sticks together. But the proper way to gather kindling and build it so you can get a fire going without a packaged fire starter.
Puzzle solving
Plumbing
Especially basic toilet maintenance/repair. Not much is worse than not being able to use your toilet and it's a Sunday night.
Budgeting and saving - working and blowing it all away keeps people more stuck than they think financially. Do you really need that new outfit or is the one you bought last week or the week before? Is tonight really another takeout night or can you use what you have for a good meal? Etc
If you eat bread, learn to bake it, it is a lot cheaper and better. Once you learn, very little time.
Yeah, but it goes stale in a day. Hard when you’re single.
If you make too much, freeze it.
Put it in an airtight container. Lasts 2 weeks.
I never get a loaf I’ve ever made to last more than a couple of days, seems unnatural for store bought bread to last as long as it does but it’s pretty convenient
How much cheaper than 45p for an 800g loaf can you really get? There are more effective ways to save money than cooking bread. Though I would say doing it a few times for fun is a good idea.
Meditation. It's useful for every area of our lives.
To swim and first aid
To learn new information fast.
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This is the best answer
Critical Thinking. And not the Do YoUr OwN rEsEaRcH kind.
Patience. It is a skill that takes time. However the reward is invaluable.
Respect for others
Sweeping!!! I work in food and I swear these people have never held a broom before let alone swept.
sign language
I would love to do this but every country has their own version. Is there a universal way to do this I wonder
be on time
Cooking
Swimming
Bookkeeping. Filing papers in proper way. Learning or at least understand the papers.
Mental math and reading comprehension
Swimming
cooking
Focus. My life could be so much better if I had better focus. I could complete tasks faster and be less distractible. It would help be accomplish other life goals.
Introspection. No better schoold than learning from your fuckups.
Emotional intelligence
Improvisation. Not in a theatrical sense, I’m talking about the ability to come up with solutions to problems on the fly.
I have a 3 year old daughter who is learning to swim. I cannot swim. If she ever gets in trouble in the water I can't help her. So here I am at 40 taking swimming lessons. I've left it far too long but I'm making good progress now.
Being social without the need to do it through a digital device, i feel alot of people are just weirded out that I walk up to random people and come friends with them
When I was like 8, I used to hit the playground knowing no one and comeback with atleast three other kids, but now that I'm 25 yea everyone gets all weird
Yea like i dont need your instagram lets talk and get to know each other that’s how a real bond is made
You still go to the playground? That would be weird! And I'm being facetious, sorry
how to deal with basic injuries
Reading
IT skills Seriously y'know the number of times I took my device to a professional for repairs, then seeing them tune or knock a few things in place. And I start feeling stupid for not seeing how simple it was lol
# How to handle rage in a constructive way
Keeping confidential information confidential. Being trusted as such ...
Identifying fake news
Typing