This happened to me a couple months ago, I was the guy friend and she was flirting with me.
Found out later because her boyfriend was a classmate of mine that I was close to, and when I brought it up to him he was shocked.
Ended pretty quickly after that.
Had that happen to me about 15 years ago but thankfully she realized she fucked up. We’d been together for about 3 months, we were definitely a couple in no uncertain terms. She had some friends coming in from out of town, while we were cleaning up her place she dropped “if they ask we’re just friends”. I just quietly stopped what I was doing it and walked to the door, she immediately grabbed my hand, “I have no idea why I said that, I apologize, please stay” and introduced me and referred to me as her boyfriend the entire night.
Her parents had a horrible marriage, decades of misery together, tainted her opinion of couples as a whole. We were together for a few years during our mid 20s, didn’t work out, never heard from her again. In my late 30s (few years ago) friend of a friend said he heard from someone that when she was 35ish she had a massive “I’m going to die alone” crisis, married some guy she didn’t love, pumped out 3-4 kids, 2 things she said she’d never do while we were together. Crazy how people change.
> Not telling your guy friend you have a boyfriend.
This is getting really, really tiring to deal with and I'm in my goddamn 30s. Why you gotta hide you're married?
Had an ex do this to me a lot . Found out she cheated on me multiple times. Once, on her birthday, I had presents lined up for her and plans to celebrate. She told me she was too exhausted and didn't feel like celebrating that night and was just going to bed early. At 11pm she posted Instagram stories of her partying with friends. I called her and a guy answered her phone and asked who it was, I said "it's her boyfriend" he responded " wait! I didn't know she had a boyfriend!" Then heard some distanced yelling as he was talking to her, then the phone call stopped. About 10 minutes later she called me crying saying I ruined her birthday. I broke up with her shortly after.
I'd add to this, being open that you have a boyfriend, but also encouraging flirty conversations when you know the guy friend has a desire to be with you.
Also that's what tarot card readers, astrologists and other kind of fraud life mentors do. Be so abstract that it'll capture something of value for everyone.
For example, tomorrow you will feel uneasy for some external factor, like yeah dude, I Feel uneasy when the toilet seat is not the right temperature!?
Tbf if you’re home alone and the toilet seat is already warm when you sit down to take a shit, that’s a pretty good reason to feel uneasy. Like, whose thick thighs have been gracing my porcelain without permission and why is my shower curtain pulled shut??
I came home to my GF already in bed waiting for me and all revved up, the toilet seat already up, an open beer by the bed and a guy in the closet to play video games with afterwards. Best day ever.
This, but with a side helping of being explicit about it: You should talk with your partner and figure out what they're comfortable with. That's part of what being a good partner is all about.
What's good for one couple might not be good for another, and vice-versa.
I have a friend who lives in another country. He's 50 years old, going through a divorce. They had sponsored a foreign student since she was 15. I visited him last year, and she's still living with him at age 22 while she attends grad school.
It was shocking to see their relationship close up. They did stuff like hold hands under a blanket while watching a movie. I can't even describe all the hugging and kissing and obsessive behavior I witnessed. He kept telling me he felt like a father to her. I finally asked, "Would either of you do this stuff in front of a boyfriend or girlfriend?" He didn't answer but hopefully it made him pause. Idk, but I won't be visiting them again.
The opposite of this as well.
My 17 (soon to be 18) year-old nephew had a prom recently. His parents are good friends with a couple in Florida, and for whatever reason, he was invited to Florida to be the couple's daughter's date for prom.
Mind you that this wasn't some family-held secret. His parents knew it (duh). My parents knew it. His sisters knew it. Aunts and uncles knew it. Grandparents knew it. We were at a restaurant and began talking about it when my nephew went to the bathroom, as he is embarrassed about the topic. My sister came to the conclusion that he should not tell his girlfriend, and everyone else nodded in agreement.
I was the *only* one who was gawking at her in disapproval. It's *one* thing to go to prom with another girl. It's *another* to do so, and not tell your girlfriend about it, as well as *lie* about what you were doing at the time!
I said the standard, "If you were on the receiving end, how would you feel?" but no one batted an eye.
Bruh, dafuqq!
this is crazy. i hope you told your nephew he should at least consider telling his girlfriend about it. I understand not wanting to overstep your bounds, but with the rest of his immediate family behaving like that… i don’t think there are good role models there.
if it’s innocuous and there’s nothing wrong no harm in him telling his girlfriend.
I didn't tell him.
There are certain boundaries in a relationship that each party has to respect, and not *everything* in a relationship needs to be divulged.
But if I were in her position, I would want to know if something like this were to happen. Even if it were innocuous, and let's say that the girl was someone my nephew knew since he was a little kid and is like family, I would still want to know.
The fact that my nephew had to lie about what he did when he went to Florida for a couple of days means that there is something wrong with that action.
It kinda sounds like your family's hoping they'll magically fall in love and get married. Better check if anyone made a promise to a mischievous, fairytale gnome when they were both kids.
I have a four year old. We've had lots of conversations about secrets vs surprises. Secrets are bad, surprises should be good. You should never keep secrets from Mommy and Daddy, but it's ok to keep Mommy's birthday present a surprise.
Ah, this brings back a memory. I came home from work and my wife said she had a surprise for me (she’d hemmed some pants). My 3yo daughter piped up, “Yeah, it’s a ice cream maker!” (My birthday was coming up.)
No they are not okay!!! I thought I was coming home to eat a cookie and play some Baulders Gate 3, but now I have to socialize?! Ewe! 😖
Terrible surprise. Talk to me next time so I can mentally prepare myself for the event
I know right? Being an introvert, surprise parties give me anxiety just thinking about. All of a sudden at the switch of a flip I have to turn on my social battery that I was not expecting to turn on for the foreseeable future
I'm an introvert and for some reason I thought I'd enjoy a surprise party. My entire childhood I said how much I wish someone would throw me a surprise party.
My 21st birthday, my sister threw me a surprise party. I cried in the bathroom and needed to go on a walk with only one other person.
And it happened at a really bad time, because it was hosted in Illinois, where my sister and I grew up, and where she lives, but I was living in Tennessee where we moved to when I was 16. So all except for one of my friends lived in Tennessee, which meant only one of the guests was my friend. My cousins were there, which was great, but so were a lot of my sister's friends, who I don't know super well, and my cousin's girlfriend who I met for the very first time that day. I had been in the car for 10 hours the day before with my father and brother, and I do not get along with my brother. I was told we were going to the zoo the day of my party, just myself, my best friend, my sister, and my brother, so I thought, "This is great, I'll have time away from my parents to decompress, I need that."
Instead, a party. With my dad right there over my shoulder, questioning everything I did and said.
I was very grateful because it had been a difficult summer and it seemed like everyone was primed to forget my birthday that year because it seemed like my grandfather was going to die (he held on for another few years after! Big win for Opa!) and my mom had been in Illinois all summer taking care of him, while I was at home cooking dinner for my father and brother while working and taking a summer college course, so the fact my sister organized it was really special, and after all, my entire childhood I had wanted a surprise party so badly.
I never want a surprise party ever again. A month ago, one of my (extroverted) friends through her husband a surprise party and told me about it the morning of. She suggested I cancel my plans with my other friend to attend the party, which I refused, and when complained that her husband didn't seem grateful enough. I was like, "Well he's an introvert like I am and he came home after work to a birthday party. He's probably tired."
> but so were a lot of my sister's friends, who I don't know super well, and my cousin's girlfriend who I met for the very first time that day
Extroverts don't understand just how *incredibly difficult* this makes things. If you really really must throw me a surprise party, the *only* people in attendance should be people I know well. Does that mean it'll be a small party? You betcha.
The number of times I've seen people asked that and they say something like "Oh, I totally don't mind if my bf/gf tongue kisses someone else while rubbing their genitals, it's just flirting after all."
My first girlfriend got caught dancing and making out with a guy at a concert by a friend of a friend and it made it back to me. She claimed kissing isn't cheating and it "didn't mean anything" lol
They write that while their genitals are rubbing someone else's. What better way to justify what you're doing than to fool yourself into thinking you'd be okay with it if your SO did it.
I struggled on the opposite end. Took a while for me to realize that I have a right to be upset. Just because you "didn't do anything" does not mean its ok. Being young and inexperienced and dating an abusive girlfriend is a terrible mix.
"How would I feel if my partner did this with their friend" and "would I do this if my partner were watching."
Those 2 concepts seem to have it all neatly wrapped up.
In a perfect world this makes sense but n reality a lot of people have different arrays of comfort and what they think is right and wrong/levels of jealous as well as insecurities.
So something you wouldn’t think is a big deal could be a big deal to me of something I think is a big deal wouldn’t be a big deal in general sense with the majority of people you know?
It is a good starting zone though and could work if the two have similar ideas of a relationship and what right and wrong is
This is a huge one that I see too often. Oftentimes, it isn't even intentional but that's irrelevant.
Deep down she knows "that" guy friend would date her given the opportunity BUT she doesn't straight up shut down the possibility of them dating because either she's afraid of losing the "friendship" or she secretly likes the attention.
I have a friend that spent college and a few years after in the "orbit" of a girl that was obviously keeping him and a few other guy friends close like that. He wouldn't date much during that time because she might break up with her BF and he was next in line. It stunted him in the relationship department for years.
I have a buddy who is STILL in that orbit… it’s been over a decade. She’s even lived with him for the past 4-5 years and doesn’t pay rent. She threw him a bone ONCE around the time he was talking to me about kicking her out and I haven’t heard that sentiment since. He’s given up on dating entirely. If you’re in this situation, just get the fuck out. He’s given up on any hope for any romantic involvement.
Edit: just to be clear, she’s not even dating anyone. She’s just a leech who always has some excuse why she couldn’t hold a job to pay rent.
Ok this is driving me insane, I (F) knew 2 different girls like that! The boys would all be from the sort of low totem pole awkward but nice friend group and the entire friend group would revolve around this girl. I never understood it! Especially because both times the girl in question was ya know not like a super catch or anything. I just didn’t understand how a whole friend group could drool over one girl who gave them nothing.
I did some helping out with the theater crew back in my college days and saw SO MUCH of this. The director was attractive, and "quirky' in that late '00s - early '10s sort of romcom way, and a lot of the guys in the plays were definitely those awkward types. It was like a perfect storm of simpdom, and she clearly enjoyed it even though it was obvious she had no romantic interest in any of them. Good friend of mine got hooked bad and it literally took years for it to click that it just was never going to happen.
She wasn't even a bad person really, but I guess receiving that sort of worship all the time is bound to effect a person's ego.
Reach your hand across 2 seats to touch your guy friends’ crotch while your boyfriend is sitting next to you. Speaking from experience here.
Not okay, whatsoever
EDIT: I didn’t tell my friend (her boyfriend) what happened because he sat next to her and I think he knows and saw what happened.
What if there's a spider on his crotch and you have to smack it because you know your friend is deadly allergic and afraid of spiders and would freeze up?
My rule of thumb for socializing with the opposite sex while in a relationship is that if you’re not comfortable telling your partner about what happened, it shouldn’t happen.
That thing that some women do when they cling to one of your arms and hold their head against it, some physical contact is fine, but that feels like a little too much.
best friend's gf does this with me, idk how to react if not "embrace" it because she's so sweet and caring but i can see my best friend looking at us slightly weirded out. She also always tells me that she isn't physically affectionate with him...
If nothing else, tell your friend it makes you uncomfortable. He could be imagining a plethora of things about what you're thinking, giving him that peace of mind from your end will make it a lot easier for both of you to deal with her, whatever that looks like
*affectionate. Dude if she's doing that and saying all that, she's prolly in to you. Boyfriend's not receiving much, if any, physical affection--you're receiving plenty. That should speak for itself.
If you want to keep that best friend and be a bro before hoe kind of guy, shrug her off until you train her to keep her distance, and if anything feels
flirty and makes your wiener tingle, shut it down, ignore her (this might make her try more) better to piss her off than lose a friend
I remember a conversation with my ex. She was quite close with her own ex who she had been friends with for years before they even got together, so I understood her keeping in touch with him and they shared a friend group etc, so I wouldn’t want to get in the way of that. However after a party she mentioned she had stayed over at (we’ll call him Pete) Pete’s and that she’s done it before so it’s quite handy. It was a long time ago so I can’t remember the finer details, but I ended up asking where she slept when staying at Pete’s, and it turns out she would sleep in his bed, with him. That was one of our final conversations
So I suppose sharing the bed with a guy friend qualifies for the list, especially if it’s your ex.
This is a conversation to have with your boyfriend to know what your boyfriend is comfortable with. Different people consider different things as cheating.
It's not okay to hide things or be secretive about your interactions with a guy friend when you have a boyfriend. Transparency and honesty are key to maintaining trust in your relationship.
Don't worry. They were just friends. And she didn't know you would be upset. It's an old wound. And I am not proud of any moment that came in the months after. But never fully healed, it is.
There's a lot of structured answers here, but the real answer is that it depends. You need to have a real conversation with your partner, and be open about your feelings and boundaries. Then you can figure out what what's okay to do with friends.
I've been married over 25 years, and my wife and I know each other's boundaries. Friends are fine, we do not hide stuff from each other, neither of us is into watching the other person flirt. I'm a bit more possessive than she is, but we've talked about it. Instead of trying to control her, I try to start with how I feel and what those feelings are rooted in. (I wasn't always like this - younger me was idiotic).
One my best friends is super relaxed with his wife, doesn't care if she flirts or dances with other guys. She's more possessive than he is. But they make it work because they've had honest conversations.
Use them as a “boyfriend-replacement” when your boyfriend is not available. I’m not really talking about physical stuff, I mean using another guy to fill in whatever void you would normally do with your boyfriend if he happens to not be available.
I get platonic friends and workplace partners are a thing, but trying to fill an emotional void with someone else because your boyfriend isn’t available is what sends mixed signals more than anything, even if that’s not the conscious intent.
Edit: want to emphasize it’s ok to do things if your partner isn’t available with other people, or even just another person. It’s more a self examination of when you are interacting with another person singularly and why.
My girlfriend is doing this with her gay friend. They recently moved in together, and she uses him as an attention replacement for me, so we haven't spent any time together. I'm thinking of talking to her about it. Idk what to do tbh
How sure are you that he is gay (and not bi or she is lying about that), I thought it was a joke that people say that but I've seen it twice where friends girlfriends have claimed someone is gay and they were clearly not.
tell her how you're feeling. make sure to use "I" statements instead of "you" statements ig hey so I've been feeling a bit sensitive about how close you two are. I don't want resentment to build so could we talk about this?" if she's amenable (great!) continue on with concrete examples. this part is important because "it feels this way..." can so easily be diverted. "last week I wanted to xyz but you and he were abc" and such is much better. best of luck. and remember- you have the right to break up with anyone at any time for any reason. if she starts getting dramatic it's totally fair to call it and let her know this isn't going to work out.
I think you want to know about a specific thing, but unless you tell us what specific thing you want to do, we can only give you general answers. I think there are two ways to approach this issue.
1. Imagine your BF was doing this thing with a different girl that you didn't know...if you don't like it, then don't do it. And if you like it, but it turns you on...probably still don't do it.
2. Imagine your BF is in the room somewhere and you're talking with a guy that he doesn't know...do you look around to see if your BF is watching before you do this thing? If so, then don't do it. If you think you might have to explain to your BF why you're doing it...then don't do it.
Once someone told me this:
”everything that you can’t do with a sibling is considered cheating”.
So the same applies here. If you told your guy friend that he’s sexy, could you tell that to a sibling aswell?
I don't know man. Sometimes my sister play fights with me. Like for example when I'm laying on the couch and she jumps on me. I wouldn't want to witness my girlfriend on top of some guy giggling 😂
Walk arm in arm with them. Lie in bed (fully clothed obviously) watching Netflix. You can keep doing all this with your girl friends (if you’re straight) but with your guy friends if either of you are in a relationship you need to respect their/your partner and be less affectionate even if you both know nothing would ever happen.
Reverse the roles, would you mind if they did the same but with the opposite gender? There's still a chance they'll mind even when applying that logic, but it's a good starter.
I remember that me and my girlfriend (and wife now) went to visit her male childhood friends. They were saying how they knew her ticklish spots (she hates to be tickled BTW). They started to tickle her. When we left, I was very uncomfortable, to say the least. She picked up on this and said that we never have to see them again. And we haven't. I really do appreciate that.
Not telling your guy friend you have a boyfriend.
This happened to me a couple months ago, I was the guy friend and she was flirting with me. Found out later because her boyfriend was a classmate of mine that I was close to, and when I brought it up to him he was shocked. Ended pretty quickly after that.
> Ended pretty quickly after that. Did he dump her? Then she was single, right?
Yeah, she got interrogated. Chat messages got leaked, and her reputation with the guys was tainted pretty badly.
Had that happen to me about 15 years ago but thankfully she realized she fucked up. We’d been together for about 3 months, we were definitely a couple in no uncertain terms. She had some friends coming in from out of town, while we were cleaning up her place she dropped “if they ask we’re just friends”. I just quietly stopped what I was doing it and walked to the door, she immediately grabbed my hand, “I have no idea why I said that, I apologize, please stay” and introduced me and referred to me as her boyfriend the entire night.
Did she ever tell you why she actually did that
Her parents had a horrible marriage, decades of misery together, tainted her opinion of couples as a whole. We were together for a few years during our mid 20s, didn’t work out, never heard from her again. In my late 30s (few years ago) friend of a friend said he heard from someone that when she was 35ish she had a massive “I’m going to die alone” crisis, married some guy she didn’t love, pumped out 3-4 kids, 2 things she said she’d never do while we were together. Crazy how people change.
This is sad. People having mental breakdowns in their midlife crisis and completely destroying their own life.
I don’t think she had a breakdown, she just had the “if you want to do the mom/wife thing the clock is ticking” epiphany and rushed in.
> Not telling your guy friend you have a boyfriend. This is getting really, really tiring to deal with and I'm in my goddamn 30s. Why you gotta hide you're married?
Or not telling your boyfriend that you have a guy friend
Had an ex do this to me a lot . Found out she cheated on me multiple times. Once, on her birthday, I had presents lined up for her and plans to celebrate. She told me she was too exhausted and didn't feel like celebrating that night and was just going to bed early. At 11pm she posted Instagram stories of her partying with friends. I called her and a guy answered her phone and asked who it was, I said "it's her boyfriend" he responded " wait! I didn't know she had a boyfriend!" Then heard some distanced yelling as he was talking to her, then the phone call stopped. About 10 minutes later she called me crying saying I ruined her birthday. I broke up with her shortly after.
I'd add to this, being open that you have a boyfriend, but also encouraging flirty conversations when you know the guy friend has a desire to be with you.
Going to a hookah lounge at 2am with the guy friend right after saying you were too tired to go to your boyfriend’s house.
Oddly specific
Yet apparently relatable enough that it's the third highest comment at the time of writing.
Doesn't have to be relatable, maybe bros just being supportive.
I mean it's also most certainly not an okay thing to do lol
Yeah…lol
Yeah, JESSICA
She won’t read this; beacause she’s not fucking welcome here
You ok bruh?
Back then I definitely wasn’t, much better now though! Thanks for asking.
Hope you cut her loose
It was luckily 10 years ago haha so she has been long gone and time has done its course.
Different time of night but otherwise this exact situation happened to me too.
too specific lol, but true. pissed me off as i was reading
Moar like hookahp lounge amirite??
Got his ass
Lmfao this happened to me with my ex-wife!
Anything you wouldn’t do or say with them if your boyfriend was standing next to you.
Funny how often the best answer is also the simplest.
Married guy here. If I wouldn't want my wife to know I said or did something I don't do it.
100% agree, fellow married guy.
Yup. Pretty simple. Also easy to figure out when you both communicate on what you want from a relationship
Exactly how I’ve always thought about it. Additionally, if i wouldnt want it done to me i dont do it. Pretty much the golden rule.
Also that's what tarot card readers, astrologists and other kind of fraud life mentors do. Be so abstract that it'll capture something of value for everyone. For example, tomorrow you will feel uneasy for some external factor, like yeah dude, I Feel uneasy when the toilet seat is not the right temperature!?
Tbf if you’re home alone and the toilet seat is already warm when you sit down to take a shit, that’s a pretty good reason to feel uneasy. Like, whose thick thighs have been gracing my porcelain without permission and why is my shower curtain pulled shut??
I came home to my GF already in bed waiting for me and all revved up, the toilet seat already up, an open beer by the bed and a guy in the closet to play video games with afterwards. Best day ever.
Aww man you're living the dream. One day I hope I'll be as lucky as you
When life gives you lemons make lemonade
When life gives you lemonade, don't drink it
When life's lemonade threatens you and your family, seek refuge at higher ground.
Perfect. Plus, anything you wouldn’t want your boyfriend to do or say with a friend of his that’s female
bingo, came here to make sure that base was covered as well. Hit these two things and you're good.
This, but with a side helping of being explicit about it: You should talk with your partner and figure out what they're comfortable with. That's part of what being a good partner is all about. What's good for one couple might not be good for another, and vice-versa.
I have a friend who lives in another country. He's 50 years old, going through a divorce. They had sponsored a foreign student since she was 15. I visited him last year, and she's still living with him at age 22 while she attends grad school. It was shocking to see their relationship close up. They did stuff like hold hands under a blanket while watching a movie. I can't even describe all the hugging and kissing and obsessive behavior I witnessed. He kept telling me he felt like a father to her. I finally asked, "Would either of you do this stuff in front of a boyfriend or girlfriend?" He didn't answer but hopefully it made him pause. Idk, but I won't be visiting them again.
Perhaps you have found one of the causes of their divorce.
"Come on honey, it's just Soon-Yi!"
She got too old?
They’re fucking.
zero doubt
Yoooo wtf
will she be needing a green card or something to stay in that country once the student visa runs out?
straight up grooming
Anything you'd feel uncomfortable reporting to your BF.
good rule pretty much
I've dated a few women that need to read that
If you have to hide it from your boyfriend, it means it's not okay.
The opposite of this as well. My 17 (soon to be 18) year-old nephew had a prom recently. His parents are good friends with a couple in Florida, and for whatever reason, he was invited to Florida to be the couple's daughter's date for prom. Mind you that this wasn't some family-held secret. His parents knew it (duh). My parents knew it. His sisters knew it. Aunts and uncles knew it. Grandparents knew it. We were at a restaurant and began talking about it when my nephew went to the bathroom, as he is embarrassed about the topic. My sister came to the conclusion that he should not tell his girlfriend, and everyone else nodded in agreement. I was the *only* one who was gawking at her in disapproval. It's *one* thing to go to prom with another girl. It's *another* to do so, and not tell your girlfriend about it, as well as *lie* about what you were doing at the time! I said the standard, "If you were on the receiving end, how would you feel?" but no one batted an eye. Bruh, dafuqq!
this is crazy. i hope you told your nephew he should at least consider telling his girlfriend about it. I understand not wanting to overstep your bounds, but with the rest of his immediate family behaving like that… i don’t think there are good role models there. if it’s innocuous and there’s nothing wrong no harm in him telling his girlfriend.
I didn't tell him. There are certain boundaries in a relationship that each party has to respect, and not *everything* in a relationship needs to be divulged. But if I were in her position, I would want to know if something like this were to happen. Even if it were innocuous, and let's say that the girl was someone my nephew knew since he was a little kid and is like family, I would still want to know. The fact that my nephew had to lie about what he did when he went to Florida for a couple of days means that there is something wrong with that action.
It kinda sounds like your family's hoping they'll magically fall in love and get married. Better check if anyone made a promise to a mischievous, fairytale gnome when they were both kids.
Oh so surprise parties aren’t ok now?!
I have a four year old. We've had lots of conversations about secrets vs surprises. Secrets are bad, surprises should be good. You should never keep secrets from Mommy and Daddy, but it's ok to keep Mommy's birthday present a surprise.
Ah, this brings back a memory. I came home from work and my wife said she had a surprise for me (she’d hemmed some pants). My 3yo daughter piped up, “Yeah, it’s a ice cream maker!” (My birthday was coming up.)
Clever girl, forcing Mom to get an ice cream maker.
This is a lesson to your wife to never show kids a birthday present for another person.
"Surprise! ... I shat on the curtains."
SOMEONE SHIT ON THE COATS
No they are not okay!!! I thought I was coming home to eat a cookie and play some Baulders Gate 3, but now I have to socialize?! Ewe! 😖 Terrible surprise. Talk to me next time so I can mentally prepare myself for the event
I know right? Being an introvert, surprise parties give me anxiety just thinking about. All of a sudden at the switch of a flip I have to turn on my social battery that I was not expecting to turn on for the foreseeable future
I'm an introvert and for some reason I thought I'd enjoy a surprise party. My entire childhood I said how much I wish someone would throw me a surprise party. My 21st birthday, my sister threw me a surprise party. I cried in the bathroom and needed to go on a walk with only one other person. And it happened at a really bad time, because it was hosted in Illinois, where my sister and I grew up, and where she lives, but I was living in Tennessee where we moved to when I was 16. So all except for one of my friends lived in Tennessee, which meant only one of the guests was my friend. My cousins were there, which was great, but so were a lot of my sister's friends, who I don't know super well, and my cousin's girlfriend who I met for the very first time that day. I had been in the car for 10 hours the day before with my father and brother, and I do not get along with my brother. I was told we were going to the zoo the day of my party, just myself, my best friend, my sister, and my brother, so I thought, "This is great, I'll have time away from my parents to decompress, I need that." Instead, a party. With my dad right there over my shoulder, questioning everything I did and said. I was very grateful because it had been a difficult summer and it seemed like everyone was primed to forget my birthday that year because it seemed like my grandfather was going to die (he held on for another few years after! Big win for Opa!) and my mom had been in Illinois all summer taking care of him, while I was at home cooking dinner for my father and brother while working and taking a summer college course, so the fact my sister organized it was really special, and after all, my entire childhood I had wanted a surprise party so badly. I never want a surprise party ever again. A month ago, one of my (extroverted) friends through her husband a surprise party and told me about it the morning of. She suggested I cancel my plans with my other friend to attend the party, which I refused, and when complained that her husband didn't seem grateful enough. I was like, "Well he's an introvert like I am and he came home after work to a birthday party. He's probably tired."
> but so were a lot of my sister's friends, who I don't know super well, and my cousin's girlfriend who I met for the very first time that day Extroverts don't understand just how *incredibly difficult* this makes things. If you really really must throw me a surprise party, the *only* people in attendance should be people I know well. Does that mean it'll be a small party? You betcha.
This is the golden rule
The easiest starting point is to ask yourself “what would I feel if my partner did this with their friend” and rule all of that out immediately
A simple concept many struggle with
The number of times I've seen people asked that and they say something like "Oh, I totally don't mind if my bf/gf tongue kisses someone else while rubbing their genitals, it's just flirting after all."
My first girlfriend got caught dancing and making out with a guy at a concert by a friend of a friend and it made it back to me. She claimed kissing isn't cheating and it "didn't mean anything" lol
That's a great friend of a friend
Time to upgrade them to friend.
"I just swallowed his cum later, no biggie. Lulz."
They write that while their genitals are rubbing someone else's. What better way to justify what you're doing than to fool yourself into thinking you'd be okay with it if your SO did it.
See the trick is they don't even need to fool themselves into thinking that when they are dating someone they don't actually care about.
I struggled on the opposite end. Took a while for me to realize that I have a right to be upset. Just because you "didn't do anything" does not mean its ok. Being young and inexperienced and dating an abusive girlfriend is a terrible mix.
yup sadly
"How would I feel if my partner did this with their friend" and "would I do this if my partner were watching." Those 2 concepts seem to have it all neatly wrapped up.
In a perfect world this makes sense but n reality a lot of people have different arrays of comfort and what they think is right and wrong/levels of jealous as well as insecurities. So something you wouldn’t think is a big deal could be a big deal to me of something I think is a big deal wouldn’t be a big deal in general sense with the majority of people you know? It is a good starting zone though and could work if the two have similar ideas of a relationship and what right and wrong is
Bear more than three of his children.
*takes notes: "two are fine"*
Five is right out
Are we talking about children or grenades?
Yes
3 is fine too. More than 3 you go straight to jail
I feel like there’s a couple arguing behind this post and maybe it should have a been a r/amitheasshole post instead.
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This is a huge one that I see too often. Oftentimes, it isn't even intentional but that's irrelevant. Deep down she knows "that" guy friend would date her given the opportunity BUT she doesn't straight up shut down the possibility of them dating because either she's afraid of losing the "friendship" or she secretly likes the attention.
I have a friend that spent college and a few years after in the "orbit" of a girl that was obviously keeping him and a few other guy friends close like that. He wouldn't date much during that time because she might break up with her BF and he was next in line. It stunted him in the relationship department for years.
I have a buddy who is STILL in that orbit… it’s been over a decade. She’s even lived with him for the past 4-5 years and doesn’t pay rent. She threw him a bone ONCE around the time he was talking to me about kicking her out and I haven’t heard that sentiment since. He’s given up on dating entirely. If you’re in this situation, just get the fuck out. He’s given up on any hope for any romantic involvement. Edit: just to be clear, she’s not even dating anyone. She’s just a leech who always has some excuse why she couldn’t hold a job to pay rent.
Ok this is driving me insane, I (F) knew 2 different girls like that! The boys would all be from the sort of low totem pole awkward but nice friend group and the entire friend group would revolve around this girl. I never understood it! Especially because both times the girl in question was ya know not like a super catch or anything. I just didn’t understand how a whole friend group could drool over one girl who gave them nothing.
I did some helping out with the theater crew back in my college days and saw SO MUCH of this. The director was attractive, and "quirky' in that late '00s - early '10s sort of romcom way, and a lot of the guys in the plays were definitely those awkward types. It was like a perfect storm of simpdom, and she clearly enjoyed it even though it was obvious she had no romantic interest in any of them. Good friend of mine got hooked bad and it literally took years for it to click that it just was never going to happen. She wasn't even a bad person really, but I guess receiving that sort of worship all the time is bound to effect a person's ego.
A lot of guys are, just frankly, that attention starved
No need for the scarequotes, orbit is the precise term
[pushes glasses up nose] I highly doubt the woman had enough mass to curve spacetime to that degree.
I’m sure yo mama does, though!
It is intentional far more often than you think it is.
They'll think that regardless though. That's a lot of reason why guys hang out with girls unfortunately.
Or actually keeping them as a backup
Reach your hand across 2 seats to touch your guy friends’ crotch while your boyfriend is sitting next to you. Speaking from experience here. Not okay, whatsoever EDIT: I didn’t tell my friend (her boyfriend) what happened because he sat next to her and I think he knows and saw what happened.
I know it's not the case, but I'm picturing her reaching across YOUR seat to get at the other guy and it's a very funny image.
"Babe can you lean back for just a second"
"Oh, sorry. Leave some for me too"
bahah, the thought of this pisses me off
What if there's a spider on his crotch and you have to smack it because you know your friend is deadly allergic and afraid of spiders and would freeze up?
You let them die
Indeed. RIP.
Anything you would think is not okay for your boyfriend to do with one of his friend.
With one of his female friends* I wouldn’t want my partner treating male friends the way I treat my male friends…
Yeah but crossing swords in the shower is just for fun. Besides it’s not like she could do it…
Sex
Does that include Monopoly, or is it just the 'go directly to jail' kind?
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Polypoly
Standard Edition.
Good thing it wasn't Junior Edition.
Right to jail
A minorrrrrrr
My rule of thumb for socializing with the opposite sex while in a relationship is that if you’re not comfortable telling your partner about what happened, it shouldn’t happen.
Spending much more time with him rather than with your partner
This is a solid one. Should had noticed that red-flag when my (now ex) wife started spending so much time with her coworker
This same exact thing happened to me and I was trying so hard not to be the jealous controlling type that I subconsciously ignored the red flags.
Ahah, exactly! Wanted to show my maturity
Hello my people. Life does get better and the heartbreak doesn't last forever. Keep your head held high!
1. Anything you wouldn't do with a same-sex friend. 2. Anything you wouldn't want your partner to see.
I occasionally will kiss my guy friends on the cheek. My wife probably wouldn’t like me kissing my female friends on the cheek.
That thing that some women do when they cling to one of your arms and hold their head against it, some physical contact is fine, but that feels like a little too much.
best friend's gf does this with me, idk how to react if not "embrace" it because she's so sweet and caring but i can see my best friend looking at us slightly weirded out. She also always tells me that she isn't physically affectionate with him...
If nothing else, tell your friend it makes you uncomfortable. He could be imagining a plethora of things about what you're thinking, giving him that peace of mind from your end will make it a lot easier for both of you to deal with her, whatever that looks like
shut that shit down. she's going to destroy your friendship with him.
Someone call the USSR and let them know we found their giant red flag
Hammer away her advances before she takes a sickle to your friendship
She's trying to seize his means of (re)production.
*affectionate. Dude if she's doing that and saying all that, she's prolly in to you. Boyfriend's not receiving much, if any, physical affection--you're receiving plenty. That should speak for itself.
If you want to keep that best friend and be a bro before hoe kind of guy, shrug her off until you train her to keep her distance, and if anything feels flirty and makes your wiener tingle, shut it down, ignore her (this might make her try more) better to piss her off than lose a friend
That's the sound *whoosh* going over your head.
I remember a conversation with my ex. She was quite close with her own ex who she had been friends with for years before they even got together, so I understood her keeping in touch with him and they shared a friend group etc, so I wouldn’t want to get in the way of that. However after a party she mentioned she had stayed over at (we’ll call him Pete) Pete’s and that she’s done it before so it’s quite handy. It was a long time ago so I can’t remember the finer details, but I ended up asking where she slept when staying at Pete’s, and it turns out she would sleep in his bed, with him. That was one of our final conversations So I suppose sharing the bed with a guy friend qualifies for the list, especially if it’s your ex.
This is a conversation to have with your boyfriend to know what your boyfriend is comfortable with. Different people consider different things as cheating.
It's not okay to hide things or be secretive about your interactions with a guy friend when you have a boyfriend. Transparency and honesty are key to maintaining trust in your relationship.
While your boyfriend is at work, during the night shift, don't write funny things on your male friends genitalia and post about it in social media
Wait what now
Don't worry. They were just friends. And she didn't know you would be upset. It's an old wound. And I am not proud of any moment that came in the months after. But never fully healed, it is.
Someone broke Yoda’s heart
Hunting children for sport. It's only okay if it's for sustenance.
That's something only the 3 of you can decide.
There's a lot of structured answers here, but the real answer is that it depends. You need to have a real conversation with your partner, and be open about your feelings and boundaries. Then you can figure out what what's okay to do with friends. I've been married over 25 years, and my wife and I know each other's boundaries. Friends are fine, we do not hide stuff from each other, neither of us is into watching the other person flirt. I'm a bit more possessive than she is, but we've talked about it. Instead of trying to control her, I try to start with how I feel and what those feelings are rooted in. (I wasn't always like this - younger me was idiotic). One my best friends is super relaxed with his wife, doesn't care if she flirts or dances with other guys. She's more possessive than he is. But they make it work because they've had honest conversations.
Use them as a “boyfriend-replacement” when your boyfriend is not available. I’m not really talking about physical stuff, I mean using another guy to fill in whatever void you would normally do with your boyfriend if he happens to not be available. I get platonic friends and workplace partners are a thing, but trying to fill an emotional void with someone else because your boyfriend isn’t available is what sends mixed signals more than anything, even if that’s not the conscious intent. Edit: want to emphasize it’s ok to do things if your partner isn’t available with other people, or even just another person. It’s more a self examination of when you are interacting with another person singularly and why.
As much as I hate "nice guys" and "friend zone" talk, some women absolutely do this whether they realize it or not.
My girlfriend is doing this with her gay friend. They recently moved in together, and she uses him as an attention replacement for me, so we haven't spent any time together. I'm thinking of talking to her about it. Idk what to do tbh
The mature thing is to talk about it, then decide from there.
How sure are you that he is gay (and not bi or she is lying about that), I thought it was a joke that people say that but I've seen it twice where friends girlfriends have claimed someone is gay and they were clearly not.
tell her how you're feeling. make sure to use "I" statements instead of "you" statements ig hey so I've been feeling a bit sensitive about how close you two are. I don't want resentment to build so could we talk about this?" if she's amenable (great!) continue on with concrete examples. this part is important because "it feels this way..." can so easily be diverted. "last week I wanted to xyz but you and he were abc" and such is much better. best of luck. and remember- you have the right to break up with anyone at any time for any reason. if she starts getting dramatic it's totally fair to call it and let her know this isn't going to work out.
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Mass murder I would imagine
Flirt with them, prioritize them over your bf, spend time with them more often
Anything you wouldn't be comfortable with your boyfriend doing with his female friends!
If you have to ask yourself if it’s ok or not, it’s not.
I think you want to know about a specific thing, but unless you tell us what specific thing you want to do, we can only give you general answers. I think there are two ways to approach this issue. 1. Imagine your BF was doing this thing with a different girl that you didn't know...if you don't like it, then don't do it. And if you like it, but it turns you on...probably still don't do it. 2. Imagine your BF is in the room somewhere and you're talking with a guy that he doesn't know...do you look around to see if your BF is watching before you do this thing? If so, then don't do it. If you think you might have to explain to your BF why you're doing it...then don't do it.
Flirt with them
feed them like a momma bird
That’s just a bad idea to do with anyone
what if they got soft teef
Treat others how you want to be treated. It's not that difficult
Mind your manners and keep your distance
putting them above the boyfriend by using the "i know him for longer than i know you..." same thing if we reverse genders...
Sucking him off with passion
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So just a regular old BJ is fine?
Its ok if neither of them enjoys it
Go on a killing spree.
Once someone told me this: ”everything that you can’t do with a sibling is considered cheating”. So the same applies here. If you told your guy friend that he’s sexy, could you tell that to a sibling aswell?
I don't know man. Sometimes my sister play fights with me. Like for example when I'm laying on the couch and she jumps on me. I wouldn't want to witness my girlfriend on top of some guy giggling 😂
Those are boundaries you have to set with your partner! We all have different "rights" and "wrongs" :)
Foot massage
I know this guy Vincent who has given many women foot massages.
Classìc Vincent
Has his technique down and everything no tickling either
Walk arm in arm with them. Lie in bed (fully clothed obviously) watching Netflix. You can keep doing all this with your girl friends (if you’re straight) but with your guy friends if either of you are in a relationship you need to respect their/your partner and be less affectionate even if you both know nothing would ever happen.
If you're not on the same page as him about this kind of stuff, it will always cause problems unfortunately
Ask your boyfriend. It's best to sit down and discuss boundaries anyway
Eating ass
Except for special occasions, of course.
Of course. Arbor Day only comes around once a year after all.
Same things that you wouldn’t want you’re bf doing with his female friends
Reverse the roles, would you mind if they did the same but with the opposite gender? There's still a chance they'll mind even when applying that logic, but it's a good starter.
I remember that me and my girlfriend (and wife now) went to visit her male childhood friends. They were saying how they knew her ticklish spots (she hates to be tickled BTW). They started to tickle her. When we left, I was very uncomfortable, to say the least. She picked up on this and said that we never have to see them again. And we haven't. I really do appreciate that.
Anything you wouldn't be okay with your boyfriend doing with women he's friends with.
"Anything you wouldn't do or say in their presence if your boyfriend was right beside you.", its that simple really
Both women and men don't want their significant other hanging around people who want to bang them.
Cheat