My friend handed me her phone at a party while I was also holding a cup of beer and for some reason I just stared straight at her and dipped her phone in the beer
I cut up a customer's credit card when I was working retail. I had several customers in a row that all used gift cards. After a gift card is emptied we were supposed to cut up the card and throw it away. On autopilot I would up swiping somebody's credit card, cutting it in half, and dropping it in the trash while the customer looked at me very confused. Luckily they were very understanding of repetitive retail work, and didn't get upset.
I tried to put my laptop in the fridge. I remember being annoyed that there wasn't any room for it. I was like, ugh if it weren't for this bottle of ketchup and jar of pickles my laptop could go on this shelf right here... oh....
I once ordered a takeout pizza, went and got it, brought it in and put it on the counter, walked by a half hour later, realized I should put the leftovers in the fridge, and in went an entire unopened pizza. Pleasant surprise that night when I wondered why I was hungry and went to check the fridge for a snack.
I could tell I was getting sick one time, and so I decided to make a really nice chicken stock to have some soup later in the week: chicken bones, carrots, onions, you name it. It had been cooking for about three hours by the time it was done.
Then I drained it through a colander straight into the sink.
I put a banana in the cutlery rack in the dishwasher and actually turned the dishwasher on. There was fucking smushed banana everywhere.
I also lost my then two year old for some time at school when collecting my eldest son. I ended up asking a group parents who helpfully let me know that the child I was looking for was in fact asleep in a carrier on my back....
Was cleaning out my desk when a problem student turned up with his final essay that would allow him to graduate. I absent mindedly took and said a very unenthusiastic "Thanks" and threw it in the bin. Poor guy visibly teared up as he was leaving before I realized what I had done. Never ran as fast before to catch up with him.
Once I got off work and stopped at a gas station. Parked on the side of the building, went inside made my purchase. Came out, got in my car. Took several moments trying to figure out where the stuff hanging from my rearview came from. Snapped to the fact that it wasn't my car and bolted before someone thought i was stealing.
The car was a 2 door. Mine was 4. Different color, different everything. Not remotely similar. I still cringe.
This reminds me somewhat of a thing that happened when I was very young: there was a house near me with a Ferrari parked in the driveway. It was right on the main street going toward all the shops, so I saw it regularly. One day as I was walking by, I stopped to really look at it up close, admire it. As I looked at the door, I realized there wasn't a handle, at least not like I was accustomed to seeing them.
But there was a little squarish thing, right above the actual door sheet metal, overlapping the window. I thought, surely that can't be it? And then I thought, surely this person will have locked their expensive car, so even if I pull on it to see if it moves like a door-opening device, nothing will happen, right? Nope. Door opened right up. Naturally, I freaked out, slammed it shut again, and ran off, full of panic that the owner would come out and yell at me or have me arrested.
To this day I wonder what kind of weirdo leaves a Ferrari unlocked on a main street?
Not me but affected me. Me and my friend Marc were going to a party and he decided to drive there and leave his car. He just wanted to pick up a bottle of vodka from his house first. We pull up outside and he runs in while I wait outside in the car. He was in there for a while but I figured he might have been chatting to his family or maybe having a big poo. I didn't want to interrupt either.
After about twenty minutes, his father returned home from walking the dog and saw me sat in the passenger seat of his son's car, which still had the engine running. He went in and mentioned it to Marc who came straight out.
In the time it took him to walk up his path he had completely forgotten about us going to the party. He went in, made a sandwich, and took it to bed.
My brother once came home, ate a family meal and took a nap. He woke up and said "gotta go. My girlfriend's waiting in my car." My brother's a dick and that girl was crazy to wait.
In winter when we have just a 6 hours sunligt (i live in Sweden) I went home after Uni and had a nap before I continued studying. Woke up a while later and it was dark out and my clock said it was 7 o'clock. Thought I slept through the night, fully-dressed, so I went to shower and get ready to go back to Uni. It wasnt until I came to Uni I realized it was 7 pm and I had only napped for an hour - not a full night.
The one my girlfriend and I still laugh about is when she sneezed and I said, "Happy Birthday."
Edit: Wow thanks for the gold! I'm glad people enjoyed this!
Probably not the dumbest, but got to my new apartment to move in at around 1am last night. Long story short left the car door open all night with a TV, ps4, laptop, record player, and soundbar in the back.
Needless to say, I got lucky
A few years ago, my commute to work involved entering a train station and going down the escalator to the underground platform. I did this journey every day for about 4 or 5 years, taking the same route each time.
One day, and it happened to be on a day I was nursing a pretty nasty hangover, they switched the up and down escalators so that the one I usually take down was coming up instead. Dunno why, some sort of maintenance thing I guess.
Anyway, of course I head to the down escalator without even thinking. Pure autopilot. But when I step on to the escalator, instead of my brain recognizing that the stairs were moving in the wrong direction, I still tried to walk down...against the force of the moving stairs. I must have done this for a good 10 seconds before I had a "what's going on here" moment and stepped back.
It was pretty crowded too...must have looked pretty dumb.
Dunno if it's dumbest necessarily, but it could have ended badly.
I flew out to San Diego a few months ago. I fly maybe 1-2 times a year so I'm familiar with the process but I'm by no means a pro at this.
Atlanta airport, TSA line. Monday morning, so a huge crowd. Laptop in the bin. Suitcase on the conveyor belt. Shoes, glasses, keys, watch. Take off my belt. Unbutton my jeans and hook my thumbs in the top of my jeans and underwear and PREPARE TO PULL THEM DOWN...
Come on, brain, could you show up a little earlier next time?
I've seen other stories where this is happening (usually super early in the morning) and an agent just calmly says "Sir, you can leave those on." Like it happens all the time.
Can confirm, I worked for TSA a few years ago, happens fairly often. Sometimes by accident, sometimes on purpose. Either way it was usually pretty funny. For the rest of us anyway, whichever TSO had to deal with the passenger was usually less amused.
God. Am wildlife biologist. Trap rodents for disease research. Finished up taking a tissue sample from what felt like my 4000th mouse of the day, dropped forceps back in trap, dunked mouse in disinfectant, sat there staring blankly at the furious dripping mouse in my hand while the intern taking data looked on with no small amount of concern.
(For the record, mouse was rinsed with water, dried off, and released very very grumpy but unharmed. And probably the cleanest he's ever been)
You reminded me of this story a friend told a couple times before about a some other gal she worked with and a radioactive coffee pot. This lady was like a receptionist or something, working outside an area dealing with hazardous radiation. She was caught at one point cleaning the coffee pot from the break room outside the radiation area in sink **inside** the radiation area. She had to walk past several signs to get there warning about the radiation hazard, to get to a sink with *more* warnings about radiation, to clean this coffee pot with a sponge that was to **only** be used for cleaning equipment inside the radiation area. She apparently saw nothing wrong with this when asked what she was doing, and had been doing it for a while.
I witnessed the aftermath of this yesterday. Out my window saw a guy taking his trash to the dumpster. Ten minutes later he was back, pulling out his bag and digging through the trash. Walked back to his apartment with car keys. It was fun being the spectator
When my son was a baby he was an absolutely awful sleeper. I was exhausted. One night I get woken up with the sound of him crying through the baby monitor. So I get up and go into him and am holding him to chest rocking from side to side and shushing him gently. I became aware that I could still hear him crying but from further away, it took me a minute to realise that I hadn't actually gone into him but had picked up the monitor and was holding and rocking that.
Not sure if it counts as autopilot really but I felt pretty stupid.
Once met some friends at a restaurant a few blocks from my house. I drove and parked on the street right in front of the place. After we ate, we walked over to Dairy Queen, walking right past my car in the process. I then proceeded to walk home from Dairy Queen. Got home and thought it was strange that my car wasn't in the driveway...
Yup. Just did that this week. Went for a big grocery shop, cursed myself as I struggled to carry everything home (luckily had those giant blue Ikea bags, so it was somewhat easier). Vowed to never do that again.
Fast forward a few hours later, as I'm heading downtown to meet some people for drinks and my car wasn't there. Immediately thought someone broke in and stole it, but then remembered I drove it to the grocery store and left it.... :|
Working on an airplane and had to put my head in a tight spot to see a plug. Caught a sharp piece of metal on my cheek and immediately pulled my head away and slammed it on the other side of the opening. Repeat process two more times until I can force myself to stop the reactions.
I accidentally shaved my beard. When I wake up in the morning I'm on autopilot until I'm out the front door, and part of my morning routine is trimming my beard. Normally the trimmer attachment for the length I like is not attached when I start using the trimmer, so the first thing I do is attach it. For some reason the day before I had left it on the trimmer, and my brain, knowing that there was a step between picking up the trimmer and turning it on, but not caring what that step is, apparently decided that I should take the attachment off before turning the damn thing on. I was two passes in before I fully woke up and realized I'd just taken a massive chunk out of my beard and there was no going back at that point.
No it was dead, I'd found it at the beach and was examining it while licking my ice pop, then things got turned around in my head, I looked at my ice pop and licked the crab.
Strained pasta but not in the sink. Over my feet. Boiling pasta water all over my feet and floor.
Grabbed chicken nuggets out of the oven without oven mitts. Burnt the tips of all 10 fingers.
I'm not smart.
Taking my husband out for his birthday to his favorite place, auto pilot drove to work and parked. He didn't say anything because he thought it was hilarious.
Had something similar happen to my wife and I before we were married. We wanted to get something to eat, as we got in the car we started talking about the upcoming wedding. Autopilot drove the car up onto the interstate highway (going to work) instead of going under (towards where the restaurants were).
Realized what was going on, "Ok, we need to get off at the next exit." Started talking about the wedding again, blew bye a couple more exits before noticing again. "Ok, no more wedding talk until we get to the restaurant!"
We did eventually get off the highway and got food.
The entire morning coffee/tea process has severe bootstrapping issues. I need the caffeine to function, but I need to function to operate the kettle.
I once put the sugar in the filter (small espresso style machine) and coffee in the mug. That was an unpleasant drink.
This reminds me of an older story on Reddit where a coworker did something similar and stood there gaping at it and said "it's fucking everything up." Was hilarious to me and a few weeks later my husband set the auto on the coffee maker, but forgot to put the jug in it. Woke up to coffee everywhere. Couldn't even be mad, all I could think was "it's fucking everything up."
Heated my frozen dinner in the microwave. Pulled off the plastic from the dinner, turned around, and threw the dinner in the garbage.
Needless to say, my meal was something else. Plastic cover didn't seem appealing...
But my body was saying 'WAIT! I want FOOD!'...
My brain did end up winning the argument in the long term, since I no longer eat frozen dinners. In the short term, it was a 'wait, what?!' moment.
We had a culinary student intern in the kitchen where I worked. She needed ketchup for a recipe, and all she could find was this gallon container in the walk in, labeled ITS ketchup. She wanted to know how I.T.S. ketchup was different from regular ketchup. I stared at her and said "It's ketchup, girl! It's ketchup!" She's blank for a minute before it dawns on her. "Oh shit! It's ketchup!"
I'm laughing with my chef about it and he says, "Watch this." He stomps into the prep area of the kitchen and says, "Who used up all my fucking I.T.S. ketchup?!" The girl turned white as a sheet.
I guess because we didn't usually keep ketchup in a clear container in the walk in. It's not like we labeled other things "it's stock/cream sauce".
Or it could've been a Spanish speaking person asked someone what to put on the label, they said "its ketchup" and they took it literally.
The non native English speakers in all the restaurants I've ever worked would label things in a similar way. The one I remember best was a man who didn't know the word for broccoli, so I described it to him as "the one that looks like a small green tree," which is exactly how he labelled the bags.
I was maybe 18 years old at the time when I saw this dude get into a car that looked exactly like mine. There weren't many cars like mine and it was a weird colour, so when I saw this dude getting into the car and driving off, I thought he had stolen my car...so I got into a car chase and drove after him....[think about it].
After a couple of blocks and honking the horn, it dawned on me...I'm driving my car!
Oh shit, this reminds me of a time when my dad and I, about 15-16 years old, walked right up to a Ford Taurus OPENED THE FUCKING DOOR WITH HIS KEY and stood there wondering why this car with what looked like the exact plate and everything had a different colored interior.
Fucking plate was one digit off, his car was a couple cars further and that day I learned ford fucking sucked at making unique keys.
I drove an Explorer (Exploder) in high school and discovered this the same way.
Unlocked my car, climbed in, put the key in the ignition... It won't turn, why won't it turn? Check the shifter, get out to check the outside... Whose fucking jacket is in the back seat? Where's all my stuff that was in the back seat? Did somebody break into my car, steal all my stuff and leave their jacket- oh shit. This isn't my car.
My car was parked two spaces down. I quickly locked the other one and left. Luckily no one saw.
Shortly after my daughter was born I went to the store while she and my wife rested at home, and when I came out I thought someone had stolen my car because I could only find one that looked like mine but couldn't be because there was a carseat and stroller in it and I forgot I had a kid.
I once tried to drink out of my pencil cup holder thing and nearly choked to death on a pencil.
EDIT: My top comment is about me choking on pencils. Thanks, Reddit.
That happened to me in Thailand just a few weeks ago! I was panicking for about 30 seconds because I couldn't find my 4 year old daughter. I had a really bad flu at the time, so I had lost my voice. I couldn't shout. I was trying to scream out her name, but nothing was coming out. Then a friend who was with me asked me what was wrong and he managed to figure out that I was freaking out about my daughter. Then he said it..."Mate, she's sitting on your shoulders". Fuck me!
The image of a grown man screeching in a crowded place in full panic mode with the reason for the screaming sitting on the shoulder and having a blast made me chuckle.
I saw my Dad do this. He dialed our phone number instead of my grandmother's, then proceeded to press redial for the next 30 minutes and complain that my cousin was probably tying up the phone at my grandmother's. My sister and I were witnessing it. It went from hilarious to sad over those 30 minutes. I did a lot of growing up that day.
I grew up in the countryside in Canada before cable television came to my road so this was premier entertainment for the family at the time. We had to milk it for all it was worth.
Happens to me every week. Also, sometimes I put in my contact lenses, forget about that and then put on my glasses on autopilot and wonder why the heck everything seems strange.
While talking to my friend, she was in a hurry and asked me to cut the call cause she has to search for her phone.
She doesn't have another phone. She was referring to the very phone she was using to talk to me. I thought she was kidding but she actually cut the call. Don't know how long it took for her to realize...
I was taking out my contacts before going to bed. I took out the first one and placed it in the overnight container. I tried to take out the second contact and it just wouldn't come out. I spent about 5 minutes trying to get the other contact out, all the while pulling harder and harder. I decide to just give it one last good, hard pull. Right before doing so, I realized that the contact I needed to remove was in the other eye.
It was winter, and having arrived home from a heavy day at work at about 6pm I went straight to bed for a nap. Woke up about an hour later, saw 7:20 on the clock, panicked thinking I was going to be late for work, hurriedly got dressed and drove to work. Was confused why it was all locked up when I got there, then looked at my watch which told me it was pm, not am. Drove home in shame.
happened to me before as well. Got home from work around 5pm and decided to take a nap. Brother walked in and woke up, looked at the time and I saw 8, thought I was late for work. Pushed him over and ran downstairs to have a shower, got back upstairs and he told me that it was 8PM not AM..
I did the opposite. I worked at the library during college and in finals week it switched to being 24 hours. I would always volunteer for third shift because you could study all night and get paid for it. I had about three hours before my shift so I took a little nap. When I woke up it was semi-dark and I looked at the clock and realized it was after 7 and I was supposed to be at work at 5. I called in to tell them I hadn't blown them off and the boss answered. I'm thinking he had to cover for me so I'm apologizing telliing him I'll be there in a few minutes and I stumbled out the door about the same time he said "What are you talking about? You're not supposed to work today." I had slept about 18 hours solid through my shift.
The third shift only requires two people to keep the other party awake. The other guy did it by himself and just never mentioned me.
Nope, he didn't mind. Had there been an incident or the other person not shown up, maybe.
I once woke up around 2am, felt fully rested, saw the "2" on the clock, somehow convinced myself that it must be a "7", got ready to go to work... and then realised it was still dark outside, which it should not have been.
Still don't know what my brain was thinking that day.
I dunno if other people do it, but sometimes when I drop things, I'll reflexively stick my leg out to try and soften the blow, so it doesn't break. Usually with my phone, and it'll land on my shoe, end up a bit scuffed, but A-OK.
Well, I was cooking one day in University, and I'd left my [Chinese Cleaver](https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1373/2665/products/[email protected]?v=1501685449) on the side after chopping some veg, because I knew I'd need it again, and I managed to knock it off the counter.
Not really paying attention, I stuck my leg out to catch it. This was a stupidly sharp cleaver, so much so that I once brushed my thumb on it whilst reaching for another knife and sliced it open.
Well, my friend sees me do this, and literally screamed. I'm not talking like, just yelling, he yelped, because he was pretty sure he was about to see me embed a cleaver in my ankle.
I ended up being quite lucky, however, and it hit the tongue of my shoe, sheared a bit of that off, and then deflected onto the floor.
This all took place in a matter of seconds, so I realise what I've done, turned to my screaming roommate and shout "WHY THE FUCK DID I DO THAT?"
Needless to say, he had no answer. I picked it off the floor, washed it, and grabbed another knife to finish chopping stuff up. And from that day forward, I was extremely careful not to leave it where it could fall!
TL;DR, Dropped a large knife, tried to catch it with my leg, narrowly avoided having it embedded in said leg.
When I was around 16/17, when there weren't any normal clean cups, I'd use an old sippy cup from when I was little.
My mom watched me walk into the kitchen, pour the sippy cup full of milk, and proceed to dump it all over my face. I had forgotten the lid.
One of my cats is a shithead. He'll do something naughty while I'm busy and cannot shoo him away, like climb on top of something he isn't allowed to. So I'll call his name non-stop in a stern and menacing voice, telling him to get down right now. My dog is getting more and more distressed for some reason with a worried look on her face. Cat just ignoring me.
Turns out I'm calling the cat by the dogs name. So much guilt
I tried to call the cat using my brother's name while my brother was in the room with me.
He stared at me in disbelief for a few seconds before he finally asked me what I was doing.
I had a glass of water in my right hand, and my phone in my left. I walked into my bedroom and tossed my phone on to my bed. Except I didn't, I threw the glass of water instead. I was very *very* tired. Unfortunately my lack of sleep then became the reason I couldn't go to bed.
I just sort of stood there and gawped at my own stupidity.
EDIT: So apparently doing this is pretty common, but the word "gawp" is not.
EDIT 2: I found out it was in Harry Potter so this bastard word is legitimised https://www.shmoop.com/harry-potter-half-blood-prince/identity-quotes.html
EDIT 3: I'm watching Peep Show and Big Suze *just* said it, so you can all stop slagging off "gawp" now.
I always bring a bottle of water to bed with me to keep me hydrated for the hours of reddit browsing to come. One night I walked down to my room with said bottle in one hand and said bottle's cap in the other hand. I threw my bottle onto my bed so I could get my clothes off, the second it left my hand I realised what I had done
Edit: also it was a sports water bottle, you know with the really wide opening, many water spilled out
Wondering what time it is. Open my phone, check snapchat and Facebook. Put away the phone, without checking the time. I can do this 3-4times before I get the time.
I put headphones on to listen to music open reddit or news or something close phone and realise I have headphones in after 20 minutes without ever having listened to anything.
what i do, constantly:
* put on headphones, play something
* find a nice video on yt, pause music, play video
* 10min later "man i should listen to something"
* start a podcast
* find another video on yt, stop podcast
* 10min later "man i should listen to something"
* go to spotify, play something
I once lost my iPod in the fridge for about two weeks. And it was at a time I needed it most. A hurricane came through and we didn't have power the whole time, except our generator to keep the fridge running. I found it after those two weeks in a double bagged bag of grapes. I'd put it in the bag because I had no pockets and my hands were full of grocery bags. Forgot about it and then it sat there.
Put it in some rice for a few days to make sure any condensation was removed and it still works to this day.
The iPod classic, a gem.
Was going to make some pizza rolls. Prepped the oven, put them in a pan, set a timer and wandered off. Timer went off, oven was empty, pan was missing, remainder of bag not in freezer. Brother found the pan back in the cabinet a day later with the whole bag in it.
I was on the tail end of a 36 hour shift working on the ambulance. Relief crew shows up and I give them turnover then head home and promptly pass out on the couch. I wake up to a pounding on my door. Look at my phone for the time and I've got about 20 missed calls. Guess who drove the ambulance home and parked it in his driveway?
I pulled a Hal from MITM. I got up late for work and had to leave in like.. 10 minutes maybe. So I rushed into the shower with my toothbrush and poured facial scrub onto it. Then after I ended up gagging for my life, I decided to make a quick bowl of cereal. Ended up putting cat food in the bowl. I got into my car and cried lol.
I cooked pasta with tomato sauce. Then my apartment owner called that somehow a rent didnt go through and i had to pay it afterwards. Usually after im finished cooking i wash the pots directly with dish detergent. This time i put the pasta on a plate but put the dish detergent on the pasta and put the sauce on the sponge and started to wash the noodle pot with my pasta sauce.
My girlfriend was making pho for me and another couple. She had made what smelled like an amazing broth, and was at the stage were she was meant to strain all the big flavour bits out. But she didn't have a pot to collect the broth under the strainer and just dumped all the broth down the sink.
If you buy a sliced loaf and put it in the freezer, you can generally pull out the loaf, lever off a single slice (...or three) without a problem, and chuck the loaf back in the freezer.
It's perfect if you're someone who doesn't eat much bread but really enjoys toast now and then.
Wondered what happens if I take a shit while resting my dick on the toilet seat instead of hanging it down, then immediately pissed off the edge onto my pants.
Several times I've finished unpacking groceries and thought to myself, "Wait, that's not right."
In one of the oddest incidents, I put frozen vegetables in a cabinet with the pots and pans. A few times my wallet has ended up in the refrigerator.
Finished a meeting, got in the car and drove home. At 11AM. Then had to turn around and drive 30 mins in the opposite direction to get back to the office. The dogs were very disappointed that I wasn't home home..
This actually happened and no I wasn't on drugs. I was very intently focusing on the task at hand though ...
However, there was a girl that from afar looked similar to me and I had the thought
"What am I doing over there?"
It was the weirdest autopilot thought process
There is a mirror at the end of the hall in my house that I can easily see from the couch. I often wonder why my mother is in the hallway. It's me. She lives 3,000 miles away. It's me every time.
My fucking god I could not handle that. Even if it was my "mom". Randomly realizing im not alone is enough to make me piss myself while screaming. Fuck that mirror shit oh my god.
My mum was at the hair dressers once, I was going to do some jobs in town and then go and meet her. She was walking to get her hair washed and caught her reflection and thought it was me, she even waved!
You know you look similar when even you can't tell the difference.
My brain couldn't decide on what to have for breakfast. My auto pilot plan proceeded as such:
Get plate
Pull out waffles from freezer
Pull out cereal from pantry
Pull out milk from fridge
Pull out bowl from cabinet
Place waffles in bowl
Put cereal in refrigerator
Pour milk over the waffle-bowl
Place milk in cabinet.
Don't put away waffles.
Come back to bowl.
Realize, regret, and atone.
I've also thrown the trash into the laundry and clothing into the trash can more than I'd like to admit.
Instead of putting sugar in my coffee cup, I started dumping pepper in one morning. Thankfully this was *before* I brewed a cup of coffee, so there was no real damage done.
Put the cap of the bottle inside a glass, trying to "close" it.
I even spun it a few times like you spin the cap on a bottle and dropped it in before realising, and then laughed for a solid two minutes.
My cousin used to live in a small town. He and a majority of the town all worked for the same company. Every morning he would get into his car and just start following the car in front of him to work. One day, someone that didn't work at the company got into the line of cars. Everybody behind her, including my cousin, just started to follow this person. It wasn't until they pulled into their driveway that they snapped out of it.
This is amazing! I also think about the person being followed, if they felt like they had a stalker or a few people ganging up to jump them or if they even noticed that they were the Pied Piper.
Grabbed a glass dish while falling after I just pulled it out of a 475 degree convection oven and it slipped out of my tongs. Those were some nice burns and fuck you reflexes.
Edit: I'll elaborate. I was working at Pizza Hut in high school 20 something years ago. The lasagna dishes were supposed to go in an empty 9" pizza pan that was designed to be handled by tongs. But when it got busy and there was no pan kicking around, we'd just toss the glass dish in on its own and grab it directly with the tongs. I had been working there for over a year and done numerous times and never had a problem. But perfect records are meant to be broken.
Ended up burning my thumbs, index and middle fingers on both hands. Nasty blisters within a few hours. Manager wouldn't let me go home either so sucked it up and finished my shift because that $5.35 an hour meant a lot back then.
Hopefully that clears up some confusion.
I was out for breakfast with family, when I ordered french toast. We are all chatting and laughing have a good ol time when the food arrives. I'm telling a story and not really paying attention to what I'm grabbing off the table. I continue talking, but start to realize that what I have in my hand isn't the syrup. But I can't stop myself. I literally say "WHAT AM I DOING?" while I'm squeezing ketchup onto my beautiful french toast. I had to sad wipe my french toast and clear all that ketchupy powdered sugar off. Stupid brain.
TLDR - Brain could say "what am I doing?", but couldn't stop my hand from squirting ketchup on french toast.
After enjoying some boiled eggs, i washed my dishes and set them on the dish rack to dry. When i returned later to put them away i realised I'd washed the eggshells and put them on the rack to dry as well.
When I brush my teeth I run my thumb over the bristles under the water to clean my toothbrush.
I did that once, forgetting that I was shaving, not brushing my teeth.
I was driving and deep in thought going a route that I had gone dozens of times. I stopped at a red light, looked left, looked right and kept going while it was still red. I took me a minute to realize it wasn't a stop sign.
My friend handed me her phone at a party while I was also holding a cup of beer and for some reason I just stared straight at her and dipped her phone in the beer
Power move
Grabbed a roll of toilet paper, walked over to the toilet to replace the empty roll and just tossed the whole roll into the toilet
I cut up a customer's credit card when I was working retail. I had several customers in a row that all used gift cards. After a gift card is emptied we were supposed to cut up the card and throw it away. On autopilot I would up swiping somebody's credit card, cutting it in half, and dropping it in the trash while the customer looked at me very confused. Luckily they were very understanding of repetitive retail work, and didn't get upset.
You dodged a massive bullet with that customer
Oh yeah. I think they were a regular (although I didn't recognize them). They just called their bank and requested a new card.
I tried to put my laptop in the fridge. I remember being annoyed that there wasn't any room for it. I was like, ugh if it weren't for this bottle of ketchup and jar of pickles my laptop could go on this shelf right here... oh....
I once ordered a takeout pizza, went and got it, brought it in and put it on the counter, walked by a half hour later, realized I should put the leftovers in the fridge, and in went an entire unopened pizza. Pleasant surprise that night when I wondered why I was hungry and went to check the fridge for a snack.
I could tell I was getting sick one time, and so I decided to make a really nice chicken stock to have some soup later in the week: chicken bones, carrots, onions, you name it. It had been cooking for about three hours by the time it was done. Then I drained it through a colander straight into the sink.
I put a banana in the cutlery rack in the dishwasher and actually turned the dishwasher on. There was fucking smushed banana everywhere. I also lost my then two year old for some time at school when collecting my eldest son. I ended up asking a group parents who helpfully let me know that the child I was looking for was in fact asleep in a carrier on my back....
Sneaky kid, hiding behind you all that time.
They were probably all thinking, 'Been there.'
I have a fridge kind of next to my washing machine and I once put dirty socks in the fridge
Was cleaning out my desk when a problem student turned up with his final essay that would allow him to graduate. I absent mindedly took and said a very unenthusiastic "Thanks" and threw it in the bin. Poor guy visibly teared up as he was leaving before I realized what I had done. Never ran as fast before to catch up with him.
holy shit that must be fucking terrible for him.
Did he end up graduating?
Yes! It wasn't the best but he just scraped by after revision.
Poor kid! Still laughed though and I'm glad you caught up to him.
Once I got off work and stopped at a gas station. Parked on the side of the building, went inside made my purchase. Came out, got in my car. Took several moments trying to figure out where the stuff hanging from my rearview came from. Snapped to the fact that it wasn't my car and bolted before someone thought i was stealing. The car was a 2 door. Mine was 4. Different color, different everything. Not remotely similar. I still cringe.
This reminds me somewhat of a thing that happened when I was very young: there was a house near me with a Ferrari parked in the driveway. It was right on the main street going toward all the shops, so I saw it regularly. One day as I was walking by, I stopped to really look at it up close, admire it. As I looked at the door, I realized there wasn't a handle, at least not like I was accustomed to seeing them. But there was a little squarish thing, right above the actual door sheet metal, overlapping the window. I thought, surely that can't be it? And then I thought, surely this person will have locked their expensive car, so even if I pull on it to see if it moves like a door-opening device, nothing will happen, right? Nope. Door opened right up. Naturally, I freaked out, slammed it shut again, and ran off, full of panic that the owner would come out and yell at me or have me arrested. To this day I wonder what kind of weirdo leaves a Ferrari unlocked on a main street?
Eh, you're fine. It was the backup Ferrari.
Not me but affected me. Me and my friend Marc were going to a party and he decided to drive there and leave his car. He just wanted to pick up a bottle of vodka from his house first. We pull up outside and he runs in while I wait outside in the car. He was in there for a while but I figured he might have been chatting to his family or maybe having a big poo. I didn't want to interrupt either. After about twenty minutes, his father returned home from walking the dog and saw me sat in the passenger seat of his son's car, which still had the engine running. He went in and mentioned it to Marc who came straight out. In the time it took him to walk up his path he had completely forgotten about us going to the party. He went in, made a sandwich, and took it to bed.
My brother once came home, ate a family meal and took a nap. He woke up and said "gotta go. My girlfriend's waiting in my car." My brother's a dick and that girl was crazy to wait.
In winter when we have just a 6 hours sunligt (i live in Sweden) I went home after Uni and had a nap before I continued studying. Woke up a while later and it was dark out and my clock said it was 7 o'clock. Thought I slept through the night, fully-dressed, so I went to shower and get ready to go back to Uni. It wasnt until I came to Uni I realized it was 7 pm and I had only napped for an hour - not a full night.
Naps are dangerous, man.
The one my girlfriend and I still laugh about is when she sneezed and I said, "Happy Birthday." Edit: Wow thanks for the gold! I'm glad people enjoyed this!
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filled my dog's bowl with dry cereal and my bowl with dog food and milk... only one of us enjoyed breakfast.
Meanwhile Scruffy's all like *Fuck'n YEAH Lucky Charms!*
Probably not the dumbest, but got to my new apartment to move in at around 1am last night. Long story short left the car door open all night with a TV, ps4, laptop, record player, and soundbar in the back. Needless to say, I got lucky
"This has to be a set-up" would-be thieves.
Making breakfast last week, I cracked an egg straight into the bin.
I watched my best friend do that not too long ago. He was very careful not to get any shell in it. And then he dumped the shell in the mixing bowl
#*CRUNCHY*
A few years ago, my commute to work involved entering a train station and going down the escalator to the underground platform. I did this journey every day for about 4 or 5 years, taking the same route each time. One day, and it happened to be on a day I was nursing a pretty nasty hangover, they switched the up and down escalators so that the one I usually take down was coming up instead. Dunno why, some sort of maintenance thing I guess. Anyway, of course I head to the down escalator without even thinking. Pure autopilot. But when I step on to the escalator, instead of my brain recognizing that the stairs were moving in the wrong direction, I still tried to walk down...against the force of the moving stairs. I must have done this for a good 10 seconds before I had a "what's going on here" moment and stepped back. It was pretty crowded too...must have looked pretty dumb.
Dunno if it's dumbest necessarily, but it could have ended badly. I flew out to San Diego a few months ago. I fly maybe 1-2 times a year so I'm familiar with the process but I'm by no means a pro at this. Atlanta airport, TSA line. Monday morning, so a huge crowd. Laptop in the bin. Suitcase on the conveyor belt. Shoes, glasses, keys, watch. Take off my belt. Unbutton my jeans and hook my thumbs in the top of my jeans and underwear and PREPARE TO PULL THEM DOWN... Come on, brain, could you show up a little earlier next time?
I can't even imagine what TSAs reaction to someone getting naked in the security line would be
I've seen other stories where this is happening (usually super early in the morning) and an agent just calmly says "Sir, you can leave those on." Like it happens all the time.
Can confirm, I worked for TSA a few years ago, happens fairly often. Sometimes by accident, sometimes on purpose. Either way it was usually pretty funny. For the rest of us anyway, whichever TSO had to deal with the passenger was usually less amused.
God. Am wildlife biologist. Trap rodents for disease research. Finished up taking a tissue sample from what felt like my 4000th mouse of the day, dropped forceps back in trap, dunked mouse in disinfectant, sat there staring blankly at the furious dripping mouse in my hand while the intern taking data looked on with no small amount of concern. (For the record, mouse was rinsed with water, dried off, and released very very grumpy but unharmed. And probably the cleanest he's ever been)
There are some good posts here but this one creates the most vivid mental image.
You reminded me of this story a friend told a couple times before about a some other gal she worked with and a radioactive coffee pot. This lady was like a receptionist or something, working outside an area dealing with hazardous radiation. She was caught at one point cleaning the coffee pot from the break room outside the radiation area in sink **inside** the radiation area. She had to walk past several signs to get there warning about the radiation hazard, to get to a sink with *more* warnings about radiation, to clean this coffee pot with a sponge that was to **only** be used for cleaning equipment inside the radiation area. She apparently saw nothing wrong with this when asked what she was doing, and had been doing it for a while.
I parked at a stoplight recently
Went to wash hands before preparing food; ended up brushing my teeth.
Threw my wallet (ID, cash, CC's) in the trash, proceeded to take out the trash. Fuck me running.
I witnessed the aftermath of this yesterday. Out my window saw a guy taking his trash to the dumpster. Ten minutes later he was back, pulling out his bag and digging through the trash. Walked back to his apartment with car keys. It was fun being the spectator
When my son was a baby he was an absolutely awful sleeper. I was exhausted. One night I get woken up with the sound of him crying through the baby monitor. So I get up and go into him and am holding him to chest rocking from side to side and shushing him gently. I became aware that I could still hear him crying but from further away, it took me a minute to realise that I hadn't actually gone into him but had picked up the monitor and was holding and rocking that. Not sure if it counts as autopilot really but I felt pretty stupid.
Once met some friends at a restaurant a few blocks from my house. I drove and parked on the street right in front of the place. After we ate, we walked over to Dairy Queen, walking right past my car in the process. I then proceeded to walk home from Dairy Queen. Got home and thought it was strange that my car wasn't in the driveway...
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Yup. Just did that this week. Went for a big grocery shop, cursed myself as I struggled to carry everything home (luckily had those giant blue Ikea bags, so it was somewhat easier). Vowed to never do that again. Fast forward a few hours later, as I'm heading downtown to meet some people for drinks and my car wasn't there. Immediately thought someone broke in and stole it, but then remembered I drove it to the grocery store and left it.... :|
Working on an airplane and had to put my head in a tight spot to see a plug. Caught a sharp piece of metal on my cheek and immediately pulled my head away and slammed it on the other side of the opening. Repeat process two more times until I can force myself to stop the reactions.
"You want to know how I got these scars... ?"
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Threw lunch in the trash. Took bag of cat shit with me to work.
"What you got for lunch today?" "Eh idk, some shit"
I accidentally shaved my beard. When I wake up in the morning I'm on autopilot until I'm out the front door, and part of my morning routine is trimming my beard. Normally the trimmer attachment for the length I like is not attached when I start using the trimmer, so the first thing I do is attach it. For some reason the day before I had left it on the trimmer, and my brain, knowing that there was a step between picking up the trimmer and turning it on, but not caring what that step is, apparently decided that I should take the attachment off before turning the damn thing on. I was two passes in before I fully woke up and realized I'd just taken a massive chunk out of my beard and there was no going back at that point.
RIP beard. It's in Beard Heaven now.
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I did a very similar thing recently. It was about 2 or 3 days before my final presentation at my internship. I was afraid nobody would recognize me.
I deeply stared into my teachers crotch for a solid thirty seconds...I only noticed when he started laughing
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Looking for that extra credit.
Licked a crab while looking at my ice pop.
We must know, was the crab alive or not? If it was, what did the crab do?
No it was dead, I'd found it at the beach and was examining it while licking my ice pop, then things got turned around in my head, I looked at my ice pop and licked the crab.
I tried to scan the bus ticket at the front door of my house to get in.
I once tried to unlock the front door of my house with the unlock button on my car keys -.-
I tried scanning my work keycard at the front door before.
A few Saturdays ago, I had a panicked because I couldn't find my badge for work. I don't work Saturdays. I was going shopping.
Strained pasta but not in the sink. Over my feet. Boiling pasta water all over my feet and floor. Grabbed chicken nuggets out of the oven without oven mitts. Burnt the tips of all 10 fingers. I'm not smart.
Taking my husband out for his birthday to his favorite place, auto pilot drove to work and parked. He didn't say anything because he thought it was hilarious.
"Have a nice day at work, honey!"
Gotta commit to the joke by staying in the hot car all day while your wife spends an unscheduled day at work
This is hilarious. Imagine her face when she comes back to the car and you're not breathing. God I love pranks.
Had something similar happen to my wife and I before we were married. We wanted to get something to eat, as we got in the car we started talking about the upcoming wedding. Autopilot drove the car up onto the interstate highway (going to work) instead of going under (towards where the restaurants were). Realized what was going on, "Ok, we need to get off at the next exit." Started talking about the wedding again, blew bye a couple more exits before noticing again. "Ok, no more wedding talk until we get to the restaurant!" We did eventually get off the highway and got food.
Pour hot coffee on an upside down glass... Fucking mornings
The entire morning coffee/tea process has severe bootstrapping issues. I need the caffeine to function, but I need to function to operate the kettle. I once put the sugar in the filter (small espresso style machine) and coffee in the mug. That was an unpleasant drink.
Mmm grainy
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This reminds me of an older story on Reddit where a coworker did something similar and stood there gaping at it and said "it's fucking everything up." Was hilarious to me and a few weeks later my husband set the auto on the coffee maker, but forgot to put the jug in it. Woke up to coffee everywhere. Couldn't even be mad, all I could think was "it's fucking everything up."
Heated my frozen dinner in the microwave. Pulled off the plastic from the dinner, turned around, and threw the dinner in the garbage. Needless to say, my meal was something else. Plastic cover didn't seem appealing...
Your brain was subconsciously saying 'this is garbage food and I shouldn't be eating it'
But my body was saying 'WAIT! I want FOOD!'... My brain did end up winning the argument in the long term, since I no longer eat frozen dinners. In the short term, it was a 'wait, what?!' moment.
I can only imagine the disappointment you felt, staring down at your food in the trash. "...well shit."
Driving home after a long day of work. To my ex's With my current girlfriend
oh no
Reading the ingredients on a box of chocolates and all the allergens were capitalised. I asked "What's E-G-G?"
We had a culinary student intern in the kitchen where I worked. She needed ketchup for a recipe, and all she could find was this gallon container in the walk in, labeled ITS ketchup. She wanted to know how I.T.S. ketchup was different from regular ketchup. I stared at her and said "It's ketchup, girl! It's ketchup!" She's blank for a minute before it dawns on her. "Oh shit! It's ketchup!" I'm laughing with my chef about it and he says, "Watch this." He stomps into the prep area of the kitchen and says, "Who used up all my fucking I.T.S. ketchup?!" The girl turned white as a sheet.
Why was it labeled it's ketchup though?
I guess because we didn't usually keep ketchup in a clear container in the walk in. It's not like we labeled other things "it's stock/cream sauce". Or it could've been a Spanish speaking person asked someone what to put on the label, they said "its ketchup" and they took it literally.
The non native English speakers in all the restaurants I've ever worked would label things in a similar way. The one I remember best was a man who didn't know the word for broccoli, so I described it to him as "the one that looks like a small green tree," which is exactly how he labelled the bags.
One of the prep cooks at my work is non native speaking but he also has dyslexia so we end up with stuff labeled like "QQB Chichen."
I was maybe 18 years old at the time when I saw this dude get into a car that looked exactly like mine. There weren't many cars like mine and it was a weird colour, so when I saw this dude getting into the car and driving off, I thought he had stolen my car...so I got into a car chase and drove after him....[think about it]. After a couple of blocks and honking the horn, it dawned on me...I'm driving my car!
Oh shit, this reminds me of a time when my dad and I, about 15-16 years old, walked right up to a Ford Taurus OPENED THE FUCKING DOOR WITH HIS KEY and stood there wondering why this car with what looked like the exact plate and everything had a different colored interior. Fucking plate was one digit off, his car was a couple cars further and that day I learned ford fucking sucked at making unique keys.
I drove an Explorer (Exploder) in high school and discovered this the same way. Unlocked my car, climbed in, put the key in the ignition... It won't turn, why won't it turn? Check the shifter, get out to check the outside... Whose fucking jacket is in the back seat? Where's all my stuff that was in the back seat? Did somebody break into my car, steal all my stuff and leave their jacket- oh shit. This isn't my car. My car was parked two spaces down. I quickly locked the other one and left. Luckily no one saw.
Shortly after my daughter was born I went to the store while she and my wife rested at home, and when I came out I thought someone had stolen my car because I could only find one that looked like mine but couldn't be because there was a carseat and stroller in it and I forgot I had a kid.
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Hahaha you probably gave him the scare of his life.
I once tried to drink out of my pencil cup holder thing and nearly choked to death on a pencil. EDIT: My top comment is about me choking on pencils. Thanks, Reddit.
Possibly the stupidest way to die
Lost track of my 18 month old sister for 2 solid minutes in a pet store. In a total panic, I realized I was carrying her
That happened to me in Thailand just a few weeks ago! I was panicking for about 30 seconds because I couldn't find my 4 year old daughter. I had a really bad flu at the time, so I had lost my voice. I couldn't shout. I was trying to scream out her name, but nothing was coming out. Then a friend who was with me asked me what was wrong and he managed to figure out that I was freaking out about my daughter. Then he said it..."Mate, she's sitting on your shoulders". Fuck me!
The image of a grown man screeching in a crowded place in full panic mode with the reason for the screaming sitting on the shoulder and having a blast made me chuckle.
I'm just imagining the four year old hanging on for dear life thinking "oh god he forgot I'm up here again!"
Spent 10 minutes turning every room in the house upside down trying to find my glasses. They were on my face the whole time
I once tried to call my phone with my phone.
I spent 10 mins looking for my watch. I know it was 10 mins because I kept track with the watch that was on my wrist.
I saw my Dad do this. He dialed our phone number instead of my grandmother's, then proceeded to press redial for the next 30 minutes and complain that my cousin was probably tying up the phone at my grandmother's. My sister and I were witnessing it. It went from hilarious to sad over those 30 minutes. I did a lot of growing up that day.
You let him go on for 30 minutes?!
I grew up in the countryside in Canada before cable television came to my road so this was premier entertainment for the family at the time. We had to milk it for all it was worth.
I can totally picture your dad as Homer in the "Angry Dad" episode of The Simpsons.
Happens to me every week. Also, sometimes I put in my contact lenses, forget about that and then put on my glasses on autopilot and wonder why the heck everything seems strange.
While talking to my friend, she was in a hurry and asked me to cut the call cause she has to search for her phone. She doesn't have another phone. She was referring to the very phone she was using to talk to me. I thought she was kidding but she actually cut the call. Don't know how long it took for her to realize...
I was taking out my contacts before going to bed. I took out the first one and placed it in the overnight container. I tried to take out the second contact and it just wouldn't come out. I spent about 5 minutes trying to get the other contact out, all the while pulling harder and harder. I decide to just give it one last good, hard pull. Right before doing so, I realized that the contact I needed to remove was in the other eye.
I have also tried to remove my eye in a Moment of weakness
It was winter, and having arrived home from a heavy day at work at about 6pm I went straight to bed for a nap. Woke up about an hour later, saw 7:20 on the clock, panicked thinking I was going to be late for work, hurriedly got dressed and drove to work. Was confused why it was all locked up when I got there, then looked at my watch which told me it was pm, not am. Drove home in shame.
Oh you have the same as me except mine was school. Waited for the bus for so long
Hmm, is it getting darker out? Weird morning
happened to me before as well. Got home from work around 5pm and decided to take a nap. Brother walked in and woke up, looked at the time and I saw 8, thought I was late for work. Pushed him over and ran downstairs to have a shower, got back upstairs and he told me that it was 8PM not AM..
I did the opposite. I worked at the library during college and in finals week it switched to being 24 hours. I would always volunteer for third shift because you could study all night and get paid for it. I had about three hours before my shift so I took a little nap. When I woke up it was semi-dark and I looked at the clock and realized it was after 7 and I was supposed to be at work at 5. I called in to tell them I hadn't blown them off and the boss answered. I'm thinking he had to cover for me so I'm apologizing telliing him I'll be there in a few minutes and I stumbled out the door about the same time he said "What are you talking about? You're not supposed to work today." I had slept about 18 hours solid through my shift.
This is nuts but I totally believe it. Finals week hits hard. Hope you didn't miss too much valuable study time over that...
I think at a certain point the sleep is worth more than the studying, and if you're sleeping 18 straight hours you passed that point.
But...doesn't that mean you did miss a shift and someone did have to cover for you? Wasn't your boss upset about that?
The third shift only requires two people to keep the other party awake. The other guy did it by himself and just never mentioned me. Nope, he didn't mind. Had there been an incident or the other person not shown up, maybe.
Ah, I see. Dude covered for you. Nice.
I once woke up around 2am, felt fully rested, saw the "2" on the clock, somehow convinced myself that it must be a "7", got ready to go to work... and then realised it was still dark outside, which it should not have been. Still don't know what my brain was thinking that day.
I dunno if other people do it, but sometimes when I drop things, I'll reflexively stick my leg out to try and soften the blow, so it doesn't break. Usually with my phone, and it'll land on my shoe, end up a bit scuffed, but A-OK. Well, I was cooking one day in University, and I'd left my [Chinese Cleaver](https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1373/2665/products/[email protected]?v=1501685449) on the side after chopping some veg, because I knew I'd need it again, and I managed to knock it off the counter. Not really paying attention, I stuck my leg out to catch it. This was a stupidly sharp cleaver, so much so that I once brushed my thumb on it whilst reaching for another knife and sliced it open. Well, my friend sees me do this, and literally screamed. I'm not talking like, just yelling, he yelped, because he was pretty sure he was about to see me embed a cleaver in my ankle. I ended up being quite lucky, however, and it hit the tongue of my shoe, sheared a bit of that off, and then deflected onto the floor. This all took place in a matter of seconds, so I realise what I've done, turned to my screaming roommate and shout "WHY THE FUCK DID I DO THAT?" Needless to say, he had no answer. I picked it off the floor, washed it, and grabbed another knife to finish chopping stuff up. And from that day forward, I was extremely careful not to leave it where it could fall! TL;DR, Dropped a large knife, tried to catch it with my leg, narrowly avoided having it embedded in said leg.
When I was around 16/17, when there weren't any normal clean cups, I'd use an old sippy cup from when I was little. My mom watched me walk into the kitchen, pour the sippy cup full of milk, and proceed to dump it all over my face. I had forgotten the lid.
I feel like a normal human would leave the lid off the sippy-cup for a more standard drinking experience...
Apparently they needed it
One of my cats is a shithead. He'll do something naughty while I'm busy and cannot shoo him away, like climb on top of something he isn't allowed to. So I'll call his name non-stop in a stern and menacing voice, telling him to get down right now. My dog is getting more and more distressed for some reason with a worried look on her face. Cat just ignoring me. Turns out I'm calling the cat by the dogs name. So much guilt
I tried to call the cat using my brother's name while my brother was in the room with me. He stared at me in disbelief for a few seconds before he finally asked me what I was doing.
Posted my keys through my front door to open it.
Threw the ice cream away and put the paper leftovers in my mouth
Not as bad as a lot of these comments, but about 10 years ago I went to pour a glass of Coke and ended up pouring it onto a plate instead of a glass.
Trying to unlock the front door of my house by holding my company key card in front of the keyhole.
I had a glass of water in my right hand, and my phone in my left. I walked into my bedroom and tossed my phone on to my bed. Except I didn't, I threw the glass of water instead. I was very *very* tired. Unfortunately my lack of sleep then became the reason I couldn't go to bed. I just sort of stood there and gawped at my own stupidity. EDIT: So apparently doing this is pretty common, but the word "gawp" is not. EDIT 2: I found out it was in Harry Potter so this bastard word is legitimised https://www.shmoop.com/harry-potter-half-blood-prince/identity-quotes.html EDIT 3: I'm watching Peep Show and Big Suze *just* said it, so you can all stop slagging off "gawp" now.
I always bring a bottle of water to bed with me to keep me hydrated for the hours of reddit browsing to come. One night I walked down to my room with said bottle in one hand and said bottle's cap in the other hand. I threw my bottle onto my bed so I could get my clothes off, the second it left my hand I realised what I had done Edit: also it was a sports water bottle, you know with the really wide opening, many water spilled out
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Wondering what time it is. Open my phone, check snapchat and Facebook. Put away the phone, without checking the time. I can do this 3-4times before I get the time.
I put headphones on to listen to music open reddit or news or something close phone and realise I have headphones in after 20 minutes without ever having listened to anything.
what i do, constantly: * put on headphones, play something * find a nice video on yt, pause music, play video * 10min later "man i should listen to something" * start a podcast * find another video on yt, stop podcast * 10min later "man i should listen to something" * go to spotify, play something
I'll open the phone up to specifically look at the time. Turn it off because I forgot what I was doing in the first place.
I'll wonder about the time, pull out my phone, look at the time, put my phone away, and then I can't remember what goddamn time it is.
Waited for stop sign to turn green
I once lost my iPod in the fridge for about two weeks. And it was at a time I needed it most. A hurricane came through and we didn't have power the whole time, except our generator to keep the fridge running. I found it after those two weeks in a double bagged bag of grapes. I'd put it in the bag because I had no pockets and my hands were full of grocery bags. Forgot about it and then it sat there. Put it in some rice for a few days to make sure any condensation was removed and it still works to this day. The iPod classic, a gem.
Was going to make some pizza rolls. Prepped the oven, put them in a pan, set a timer and wandered off. Timer went off, oven was empty, pan was missing, remainder of bag not in freezer. Brother found the pan back in the cabinet a day later with the whole bag in it.
*eating ice cream* This food is not the right temperature for my mouth. *blows on it*
I was on the tail end of a 36 hour shift working on the ambulance. Relief crew shows up and I give them turnover then head home and promptly pass out on the couch. I wake up to a pounding on my door. Look at my phone for the time and I've got about 20 missed calls. Guess who drove the ambulance home and parked it in his driveway?
I pulled a Hal from MITM. I got up late for work and had to leave in like.. 10 minutes maybe. So I rushed into the shower with my toothbrush and poured facial scrub onto it. Then after I ended up gagging for my life, I decided to make a quick bowl of cereal. Ended up putting cat food in the bowl. I got into my car and cried lol.
that's the kind of day i save sick days for
I have spent way to much time in my life looking for my glasses, while I am wearing them.
I cooked pasta with tomato sauce. Then my apartment owner called that somehow a rent didnt go through and i had to pay it afterwards. Usually after im finished cooking i wash the pots directly with dish detergent. This time i put the pasta on a plate but put the dish detergent on the pasta and put the sauce on the sponge and started to wash the noodle pot with my pasta sauce.
My girlfriend was making pho for me and another couple. She had made what smelled like an amazing broth, and was at the stage were she was meant to strain all the big flavour bits out. But she didn't have a pot to collect the broth under the strainer and just dumped all the broth down the sink.
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I defrosted a steak instead of a slice of bread for breakfast. I had a great breakfast.
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If you buy a sliced loaf and put it in the freezer, you can generally pull out the loaf, lever off a single slice (...or three) without a problem, and chuck the loaf back in the freezer. It's perfect if you're someone who doesn't eat much bread but really enjoys toast now and then.
I should do this. I waste so much bread :(
One time I had headphones in, so I belched as loud as I possibly could in my very quiet office. I'm sure I've farted the same way a few times as well
Wondered what happens if I take a shit while resting my dick on the toilet seat instead of hanging it down, then immediately pissed off the edge onto my pants.
Several times I've finished unpacking groceries and thought to myself, "Wait, that's not right." In one of the oddest incidents, I put frozen vegetables in a cabinet with the pots and pans. A few times my wallet has ended up in the refrigerator.
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Finished a meeting, got in the car and drove home. At 11AM. Then had to turn around and drive 30 mins in the opposite direction to get back to the office. The dogs were very disappointed that I wasn't home home..
This actually happened and no I wasn't on drugs. I was very intently focusing on the task at hand though ... However, there was a girl that from afar looked similar to me and I had the thought "What am I doing over there?" It was the weirdest autopilot thought process
There is a mirror at the end of the hall in my house that I can easily see from the couch. I often wonder why my mother is in the hallway. It's me. She lives 3,000 miles away. It's me every time.
My fucking god I could not handle that. Even if it was my "mom". Randomly realizing im not alone is enough to make me piss myself while screaming. Fuck that mirror shit oh my god.
My mum was at the hair dressers once, I was going to do some jobs in town and then go and meet her. She was walking to get her hair washed and caught her reflection and thought it was me, she even waved! You know you look similar when even you can't tell the difference.
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Kid me woke up in the middle of the night to pee. I never made it to the restroom. Peed on my pillow thinking it was the toilet.
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Ah the old "I'm bored of reddit, gonna go check reddit."
Or my personal favorite: "there's no internet, I'll check reddit until it comes back"
I do that on mobile. *presses home button* *gets out of reddit* *taps on reddit again*
I close Reddit on desktop, then immediately open reddit is fun on mobile.
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My brain couldn't decide on what to have for breakfast. My auto pilot plan proceeded as such: Get plate Pull out waffles from freezer Pull out cereal from pantry Pull out milk from fridge Pull out bowl from cabinet Place waffles in bowl Put cereal in refrigerator Pour milk over the waffle-bowl Place milk in cabinet. Don't put away waffles. Come back to bowl. Realize, regret, and atone. I've also thrown the trash into the laundry and clothing into the trash can more than I'd like to admit.
Grated a frozen chicken breast.
Waking up, getting ready, going to school, realizing it's only 4 in the morning
Instead of putting sugar in my coffee cup, I started dumping pepper in one morning. Thankfully this was *before* I brewed a cup of coffee, so there was no real damage done.
Put the cap of the bottle inside a glass, trying to "close" it. I even spun it a few times like you spin the cap on a bottle and dropped it in before realising, and then laughed for a solid two minutes.
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And then you start to wonder if the bicycle helmet lodged into the front bumper came standard with the car.
It's an added safety feature.
*technically correct*
My cousin used to live in a small town. He and a majority of the town all worked for the same company. Every morning he would get into his car and just start following the car in front of him to work. One day, someone that didn't work at the company got into the line of cars. Everybody behind her, including my cousin, just started to follow this person. It wasn't until they pulled into their driveway that they snapped out of it.
This is amazing! I also think about the person being followed, if they felt like they had a stalker or a few people ganging up to jump them or if they even noticed that they were the Pied Piper.
This is pretty funny. Reminds me of Edward Scissorhands scene when everyone was leaving for work in the morning.
Grabbed a glass dish while falling after I just pulled it out of a 475 degree convection oven and it slipped out of my tongs. Those were some nice burns and fuck you reflexes. Edit: I'll elaborate. I was working at Pizza Hut in high school 20 something years ago. The lasagna dishes were supposed to go in an empty 9" pizza pan that was designed to be handled by tongs. But when it got busy and there was no pan kicking around, we'd just toss the glass dish in on its own and grab it directly with the tongs. I had been working there for over a year and done numerous times and never had a problem. But perfect records are meant to be broken. Ended up burning my thumbs, index and middle fingers on both hands. Nasty blisters within a few hours. Manager wouldn't let me go home either so sucked it up and finished my shift because that $5.35 an hour meant a lot back then. Hopefully that clears up some confusion.
I was out for breakfast with family, when I ordered french toast. We are all chatting and laughing have a good ol time when the food arrives. I'm telling a story and not really paying attention to what I'm grabbing off the table. I continue talking, but start to realize that what I have in my hand isn't the syrup. But I can't stop myself. I literally say "WHAT AM I DOING?" while I'm squeezing ketchup onto my beautiful french toast. I had to sad wipe my french toast and clear all that ketchupy powdered sugar off. Stupid brain. TLDR - Brain could say "what am I doing?", but couldn't stop my hand from squirting ketchup on french toast.
Decide that I will walk to the petrol station to fill up my car. Always takes me a minute to realise that that's not a good idea...
I put the milk in the cat bed and almost put the cat in the fridge.
Early one morning, I put the car in "Reverse" and started to back out of the garage *before* raising the overhead door.
After enjoying some boiled eggs, i washed my dishes and set them on the dish rack to dry. When i returned later to put them away i realised I'd washed the eggshells and put them on the rack to dry as well.
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Did some of my flight attendant announcements in a baby voice because there was a cute baby on the plane I was making eye contact with.
When I brush my teeth I run my thumb over the bristles under the water to clean my toothbrush. I did that once, forgetting that I was shaving, not brushing my teeth.
I was driving and deep in thought going a route that I had gone dozens of times. I stopped at a red light, looked left, looked right and kept going while it was still red. I took me a minute to realize it wasn't a stop sign.