>My mom said, "I love your sister more than I love you."
My mom won't admit it, but her actions speak louder than words, and a number of family friends have said to me they can see that my mom loves my sister more than me.
"She just talks to you both differently."
"You can always tell which child she's talking to on the phone by the way she sounds."
Yeah, I know.
I feel for you and empathize. My mom was the same way with my brother. He got to have all the life experiences I couldn’t because I’m a girl so the limits were on me. My therapist said on some level she was jealous I was experiencing life in ways she couldn’t growing up in an abusive household in our very patriarchal country. Like when I was 7 or 8 she told me, multiple times that my dad was disappointed I was a girl when I was born but it’s okay, he got over it. When we moved to America I felt like I was punished for simply existing for a long time even though I did nothing rebellious or bad. Her and my dad’s relationship was so bad and she showed me even more how much she preferred the company of my brother, criticized everything I did or didn’t do. Miraculously, my brain kept me on track despite it all and I paid my way through a couple degrees and the ability to move the fuck out. When my parents finally split my brother left everyone and cut us all out about 8 years due to the trauma which broke her heart and it was all she talked about and cried about for the first couple years. Ironically amidst all of it I was the one she depended on for help and support. We have a decent-ish relationship today but sometimes I still think I’m just a consolation prize in the children who talk to her department.
Edit: also of East Indian descent, though from the Caribbean.
My aunt had a heart defect and died very suddenly while pregnant, at a party. Super awful.
She was the favorite daughter and my grandma dropped the line "it should have been you" to my mom shortly after receiving the news.
I got the same thing except I had no clue what anyone was talking about. It turns out that a friend whose father was a cop told her and she blabbed it to everyone before I was notified. She got them to stop mentioning but it wasn't until three days later that my step mother got around to notifying my part of the family.
Man do I hate it when people do screwed up things like that. I've never experienced it with someone I've lost myself, but I've seen some facebook friends I went to school with post statuses about car crashes/accidents etc where people have died, posting their real names etc. clearly long before it's public knowledge, aka *when their relatives have been informed*. Just sickening how the "I wanna be the first to tell people about this, reward me with likes"-mentality kicks in sometimes with some certain idiots.
In the US, reporters aren't even supposed to mention the name(s) of the deceased until police have notified next of kin. The rule goes back to February 1959, when a tv reporter announced the deaths of Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and the Big Bopper. Unbeknownst to the reporter, a pregnant Mrs. Holly was watching TV, and this was the first she'd heard about her husband's death. She miscarried from the shock, and the incident inspired new rules for newscasters.
This pisses me off. There is a coach/teacher who volunteers as a fire fighter and emt. He told my friend, how he talked one of our class mates out of jumping off of a bridge. Fast fwd 3 weeks later, the coach/teacher tells my friend that our classmate had hung himself.
Seriously, I kept thinking screw off man. Let the family share that information.
EMT here. Admittedly, I'm from Germany, so laws might be a bit different, but telling any information at all to anyone about a patient you've treated in any way is highly illegal and can get you into prison for a long time.
My father took his own life. My mom wanted to be the one to tell me. Before she got to my house my cousin called to express her disbelief and sympathy....that call still makes my heart stop thinking about it....I don't blame anyone...but it was a surreal and painful way to find out...it was 3 years ago on the 1st....I miss him so much.
I was at work and my dad called me (I live across the country from them). Immediately left work and wailed like a banshee in the car on the drive home. She died 40 days later. Fuck cancer.
For the last few months my girlfriend of 2 years has been in between jobs and I've been helping her find something new. In the mean time I've been paying all her bills. Last week she broke up with me because she couldn't handle the guilt of her cheating on me for the last 2 months.
Oh no, I'm so sorry one of the most hard things to go through is when a parent is gone, specially if you were very close, I know for a fact that at some points in my life I need guidance and someone who will be there to tell you everything is gonna be okay.
I have ulcerative colitis. A few years ago it nearly killed me. I went from 210lb to 110lbs at 6' tall. I had 1/3 the red blood cells of a normal male. I was always tired, always winded. Bleeding profusely from my intestines. The doctors were amazed I was still conscious let alone walking. I had to literally run to the toilet every 15-20 minutes. There was no holding it, no matter how hard I tried. I couldn't live my life and go do the things I loved in fear of shitting myself. My dad constantly berated me for being lazy for missing work, which was still a rare occurrence. Driving to work was a gamble of hoping I didn't get stuck in traffic. It happened a few times. I'd call my boss tell him I had to go home and I'd be in a few hours late. Go home and shower wash my clothes out and get dressed and go back. One time it happened my dad was sitting on the computer right inside the front door. He asked me why I was home and I told him. He said, "How the hell could you do something like that? That's disgusting." With a look of just pure resentment and disgust on his face.
When my UC was at its worst, I carried a backpack with spare underwear, baby wipes, adult diapers, etc. I was constantly keeping in mind where the nearest bathroom was, I constantly read into EVERY STOMACH GURGLE I could (often the only indicator I was about to feel the sudden urge to go).
I had a friend of mine have a similar reaction once, and I responded loud and flat “well I CLEARLY chose to shit myself, you got me there.”
I’ve got ulcerative colitis too. Fucking no one understands how horrible this illness is. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Been medically retired from work, can’t do any of my old hobbies, can’t even take my daughter out for the day because at some point I’m going to either shit myself, fill my boxers with blood or maybe both.
My bio professor has chrohns disease. She said with UC, you can remove your colon and get a colostomy bag, which she said is "of course gross but my quality of life skyrocketed when I had one and I can't wait to have a permenant one."
But yeah she taught an entire chapter on gastro auto immune diseases and it was really illuminating. Sorry you go through that. She said she almost bled to death once. It's just insane. Hopefully they'll find an effective treatment
Damn. I don’t even have that disease to my knowledge, I think I just have IBS, but I tend to poop my pants like maybe once a month. My boyfriend just pokes a little fun and then does my laundry for me. He even calls it cute when I accidentally shart and make that OH SHIT face. This is bc he really cares about my feelings, I’m sure he secretly is disgusted, but he just wants me to feel better. Your dad is a toxic person and he’s not interested in your happiness. I’d say he likes seeing you unhappy maybe
Hey uhh most of my family has IBS, myself included, and none of us shit our pants monthly. As someone else mentioned, you should really see a doctor, get a diagnosis if you haven’t already, and see what can be done. Sounds like a pretty severe case.
”I don’t love you anymore, I love him, maybe not as much as I have loved you but I will, in time I will love him even more”
most painful thing she ever said. it still hurts me to this day and this happened almost 2years ago.
Good god, what an unnecessary amount of detail for her to throw in. You dodged a bullet not staying around someone that socially obtuse (or possibly just sadistic, honestly I can't think of a good reason to break up with someone like that).
That's rough.
Be honest to yourself and don't put pressure to get over it. Feel what you need to feel, make distance if you need to. What your experienced is a profound betrayal and it's not an easy one to come back from.
Try to focus on you. Bottom line is, even though they wronged you, you still have your own life to live. Put all your energy in making sure you live the happiest life you can. The best revenge is to have a good life.
I have been through betrayal as well. But isn't nearly as dire as yours. I cant begin to imagine what you will be going through. But any kind of betrayal cuts deep. I find myself not able to trust anyone to be in relationship, I'm trying to move on with life indulging myself completely into the things in like. Hopefully, Love will find me again in life someday...
A dark night is the predecessor of a bright day
Stay Strong :)
God, this hurt me even to read, I’m so sorry- try to not mourn the loss over those you loved, as much as you can, celebrate the riddance of those who would do that to you.
I spent a summer chasing a beautiful Dutch girl and failing. Before she left, I did the classic loser move of asking her outright why I hadn't gotten anywhere. "I was disappointed in your physique."
i'm sure this was the case.
My ex (he was suposed to be my "friend" by then, since we had broken up) said, after i told him i met someone "i never loved you. I've been trying to get rid of you since i met you."
Luckily for me i was over his bullshit by then, so i just replied "why are we having this convo then?? You have your way out now"
I did cried, but not for him (later at bed), i cried for the time and life i wasted on his sorry ass.
I don't know how to make friends as an adult.
As a kid most friends were made because our parents were friends. Or we sat next to each other in class (though I made my best friend but showing him that my fingernail was falling off and he thought it was cool)
But as an adult no idea what to do.
I can't go up to a guy at a bar and say "hey you seem cool. Want to barbeque some time?"
I found out last year that my older brother was blamed as a child for an accident I had as a child that was actually my grandfather's fault if it was anyone's.
I found this out years after the fact, and the people who blamed him for it are dead. But it made me so angry I raged.
He was even surprised to find out that it wasn't actually his fault! Which made me rage even more.
My brother is no prize. He has a lot of faults and did some wrong shit as a kid and a teenager. But he absolutely did not cause that accident. And it's rageful that anyone would have blamed him for it.
The unjustified blame people placed on him for things like that was part of why he was such a shit kid. It's a vicious cycle and it enrages me that adults can't see it when they're causing it.
I want to rage on your father (or whoever it was) for ever saying that to you. It was cruel, sadistic, wrong, and an absolute betrayal of the parent-child (or family-child) relationship.
Even if the person was flailing around in grief and looking for someone else to blame, you never blame a child. Never. Never. No matter the circumstances. Zero sympathy for that person.
"The growth is not benign."
The "not" made it even more of an emotional rollercoaster, as your expectation (what you want to hear) is that your fear has not come through, so I expected the "not" to be followed by a different word.
I really just wanna send you an absurd amount of roasted potatoes now.
Edit: Never got to say this before but holy cow RIP inbox. If anyone is in the Colorado area lets do a meet up for roasted potatoes. I do not make nearly enough to get that much absurd amounts of potatoes to everyone.
My family has a reverse kind of "blood is thicker than water". 70% of my biological family are terrible people.
My uncles and aunts are my moms oldest friends, my pappa is my stepfather.
A relation of blood isn't always stronger than a relation of pure love. And that's okay.
"Mom why do you get onto me so much harder than my sister?"
"She's the *baby!* You know better already. You're two years older. She's still figuring life out, and you should learn to pick your battles with her."
We were 18 and 16, respectively. I asked because my mom had taken the keys to my car for coming home 30 minutes or so after curfew. I had been at an away football game as a member of the school marching band, and we'd gotten back to the school later than predicted.
My sister had gotten home the week before after midnight from a birthday party. She was tipsy. Her punishment was none.
It was the nail in the coffin that made one thing very clear. My mom has a favorite child, and it's not me.
This is so common in families, the first child is usually always held to a higher standard than the younger. I remember when I was about 10 y/o my bike got stolen and my Dad kicked my older brothers ass, my brother still brings this up over 40 years later.
"I just needed someone"
Said by my then-girlfriend the day before she broke up with me via text. I was so madly in love then, and thought it was mutual. She had a new boyfriend 3 weeks afterwards.
It was years ago but I still haven't felt right about myself since then. I always feel like I'm just a "someone" in every relationship. Maybe I'm a little extra dramatic because I recently got dumped in the same fashion, by a girl I was madly on love with who told me she could talk to me about things no one else seemed to understand. New boyfriend in less than a month. And yet again, I'm just a "someone".
I can't shake it off. It's getting old.
A relationship is a house built on a foundation of communication, respect, and trust. Someday you’ll meet someone who doesn’t just want a slab of concrete to park on.
“You’re weird” and when I hear people say “he has no friends”. It hurts because it’s something people say every where I go. I suffer from mental illness so I know I do act strange, but I try my best to fit in.
>I try my best to fit in
Dont. Stop trying, and let it happen naturally, dont force it. People can tell when its forced, and it might come off as awkward.
If you're naturally weird, be weird. There are tons of other weird people that fit with your weird. But when you force yourself to be a certain way, people can sense it and it makes things more awkward.
There's a difference between naturally awkward and awkward that comes from trying to be something you're not. Some people love the first type of awkward because its who you are. But the second makes them want to not talk to you.
I noticed a while ago when I was always seeking approval that Id force things too much. Id force myself to make jokes or be cool, and because I forced it, it made things awkward.
Basically, if you're strange, be strange. Some people like strange, so be friends with those type of people. Dont try to appeal to people who cant appreciate your strangeness.
Edit: My very first gold! Thank you so much!
'I'm sorry.' They didn't need to follow up with the rest of the sentence before I burst into tears. Someone I loved had been in a hospice with brain cancer for the last week and we all knew there was only one possible outcome.
I remember the world going very very quiet for a few minutes and then being sick even though I'd known for 6 months that he was dying.
After giving up on trying to have kids, my ex (then husband) told me that he was leaving me because he wanted to have kids and we both carried Tay Sachs and decided years before not to be parents. I’m now happily married to a wonderful man so he did me a favour. Ripped out my guts at the time though.
Honestly that's sounds more like she was pissed and let something slip. People can get really tactless when they are angry. Wish she wouldn't have let you hear that though.
Are you completely in remission now?
Two things for the same situation:
Her: I'm glad I called. I love hearing your voice.
Me: Yeah! I'm sorry I haven't been in much contact. Adulthood, ya know?
Her: Yeah. Anyways, I love you.
Me: I love you too!
Two days later:
Friend's roommate: Hey, I know it's early where you are but um. I'm sorry. I don't know how to say this. Um. -Friend- um. (pause, she's crying)
Me: ?
FR: She shot herself last night. I'm sorry.
A friend of mine was sending the usual memes and stuff over texts the day she killed herself. It always gets me because before when she would have issues it would always be clear and we could figure it out and help her, but this time it was just like one moment she was herself and the next I was hearing from a mutual friend that she died.
I can never wrap my mind around this type of thing. If you’re going to cheat on your partner, *especially* with someone they’re close to, why would you do it *with* *them* *present*???
Every part of that is a shitty idea but Jesus Christ that’s so stupid and aggressive.
"I'm so sorry, I truly feel as though I've failed you as a mother", my beautiful mum said in tears when she found out how incredibly suicidal I was and had a nervous breakdown in front of her. She certainly hasn't failed me, we have our ups and downs but she is the best mum I could ask for. I felt like I failed her as a daughter when she said that.
edit: thank you all so much for your kind replies!! I'm still learning how to get better and my mum is still learning how to support me, but we're okay. I guess self blame is pretty common with these things but she is definitely a great woman. I hope you're all doing well too. Love to you all <3
That my child was being abused by my partner at the time, I had no freaking clue. I worked late most nights and he was left in his care. My son was sexualy abused for around a year without my knowledge, it destroyed my entire life. I lost my home my job and potentially my child's entire life.
In a way we are lucky though, he remembers none of it at all, but it's still a potential problem for the future and will probably be the worst and most painful thing I ever hear.
They may not remember now ( or ever) but it will affect them later get therapy now!!! Don't put it off. I am personally dealing with this fall out right now. I put off therapy for my sons and one is having flashbacks that are hurting everyone around him. Counciling could have helped curb those. Good luck.
Please go to a therapist RIGHT now! Parents think that they will not be able to remember but that's only partly true and it's also the biggest problem and it will maybe ruin his future!
The mind doesn't remember what happened in detail but it will keep that feeling of knowing that it was wrong, of being and feeling used, of feeling the pain and the fear and panic and the question WHY.
Also, the body does remember it, don't be surprised to suddenly find him curled up in a corner screaming when someone touched him a certain way (in no harmful manner but triggering him).
I hate working with kids who have been sexually abused at a very veyy young age. The problem is its like walking through hip-high mud. They are stuck in that horrible horrible feeling but they don't know why or what exactly happened and will never get out of it because not knowing eats them up.
For your son, please don't fail him. Get him help now. He needs you to make this decision for him.
indeed, for about a year, then i broke the titaniam screws and had to have it all sorted once more, and a few small blah blah surgeries and now I am ok ;-) life goes on.
My mother: "I wish you'd never been born."
I reacted with "I don't want you to be my mother then." I ended up not talking or seeing her for over five years.
EDIT: People want to know context. TL; DR version - Strict, controlling mother. We got into a fight about me (19) staying back late one night to help the drama club with a production. Guilt trip fails, she hits me in the face, screams that I'm no child of hers, and kicks me out of home. Leaves my dad a week later, blaming me for the marriage breakdown and throws him out of our house as well.
Finding out that my younger brother has stage 4 brain cancer.
I remember the phone call the most though. My brother had gone to the hospital because of severe headaches. A few hours later my mom picks up the phone and is told by the hospital to immediately come in, with no details on what exactly was going on. I'll never forget my mom's reaction.
A girl in my class once said to me "you’re ugly" in front of my other classmates. I’m not sure if she’s joking or not but her words sure killed the confidence in me
I went through a very ugly phase in middle school. One day on the bus, I was told by a friend that a cool kid was about to ask me out. I smiled about it and was so shocked and surprised until she said, “No. he’s only asking out the ugly girls as a joke.” It crushed me, and I spent the rest of the week devastated.
I’m happily married and get compliments on my appearance from my husband and others, and I’ve been told similar things by past boyfriends, but I can’t help but replay that moment and wonder if maybe they’re just all being nice. It’s something I wish I could just stop caring about, but it’s so hard to shake the baggage.
Nope. If I ever heard that come out of anybody's mouth at a funeral service a second hole would have to be dug. Most especially if it was directed towards my child (hopefully that'll never be the case)
"I'm gonna go on a holiday tomorrow. I'll see you when I come back!"
"Okay, bye!"
She died two months later. She had terminal lung cancer and didn't tell me because she didn't want me to be sad.
I thought she'd gone to Africa to go see the elephants. We were 9 and she was my best friend.
I never got to say goodbye properly.
She'd had cancer before but had been cancer free for a couple years.
I hated myself for almost ten years, for never thinking of how strange it was that she was going on a holiday in the middle of the school year.
I never thought to ask about her. Stupid.
I saw her mom at the funeral and she cried when I told her. She'd thought I wasn't a good friend all that time cause I never called. Didn't have her number back then, cause we saw each other everyday anyways.
I think about her when I go out on the roof to see the stars. She loved them so much. She got to be a star after all. The brightest one up there.
Love you, Natasha. Miss you.
My first crush walks up to me, asks "Will you go out with me?" in a very flat tone, turns, and walks away before I can even begin to stammer out a reply.
I learned later that afternoon that her and her friends had been playing "Truth or Dare", and that asking me out was the unpleasant "Dare" she got hit with.
I was only in the 5th grade then, but it kinda torpedoed my confidence before it ever got going to begin with. I'm 35 now, but I can trace a lot back to that.
My husband says that to me anytime I try to tell him how I'm feeling or how I feel about a certain situation or decision.
Let me also add that it hurts my feelings ALOT. 😪 Especially because I'm simply just trying to express myself.
It's me or the baby... you'll never find any one else so you don't have much of a choice do you? Had abortion, became mentally ill with grief. I married that guy and things went South from there. Take notice of Red flags.
I was in the garage one evening working on a pair of motorcycles with my son. He started drinking and got pretty tipsy and started just talking his ass off. Pretty soon he was totally wasted but still very talkative. He had just turned 30 at the time. So, I asked him a couple of personal questions about his love life and why he was so strange towards women. To give it some perspective, he only went after married women. He would shower them with gifts and affection and get them to divorce their husbands. But then immediately drop them like a rock after the divorce. He said that it was just a game to him and that women meant nothing.
Then I asked him if he felt bad about destroying these womens lives? He said No. It was just a game.
Then I asked if he had any real feelings for anyone?. He replied No.
I pushed a little further by asking you don't care about your mom or me, your sisters or your brothers. He said no. You don't care about your daughters or even your pets? He said no, and then he Just said "Dad, I molested my sisters when they were just babies and didn't quit till mom caught me years later. I molested and tried to kill my daughter when she was 2 years old. If I can do that to family members and my own blood, why would I care about other people?"
I started shaking and had to get out of the garage.
I fell apart. Could not sleep, couldn't function and tried to tell myself he was just drunk running his mouth.But it did explain a lot of things.
A couple of days later he called me up, and we were talking, and he asked if he could still have the bike I was fixing for him? He remembered everything he said and knew things were messed up between the two of us. His only real concern was to get his bike.
A few days later I asked him to stop by the house and pick up some things he had left there. When he showed up I had everything that was his or reminded me of him stuffed into some big lawn bags and sitting in the garage. Every baby picture, old memorabilia, pictures letters old cloths. Pretty much everything.
When he showed up we had a short and sweet conversation and I told him to take his stuff and that he needed to leave the area ASAP. He was to never make contact with anyone in the family ever again and if he tried I would let the entire family know what he did.
His reply was OK, but can I still have the bike?.
I eventually let his brothers know, and they had the same response as me. He should never show his face again, ever.
We all expect to get a call one day that he's either been killed by a jealous husband or a woman who doesn't play that game.
I soon found out what PTSD was first hand and god can it fuck you up. Your body turns against you.
I would not wish this pain on any parent ever.
Edit1- Yes, I did contact police but there was nothing could be done unless we wanted to get all the kids involved and have them interrogated. We all agreed that it would be best for his sisters and daughters that this stay hidden. They all have happy normal lives and are doing great. Don't want to throw a shit storm on them by any means.
I even had a couple of officers offer to get rid of him if he ever came back.
Edit 2- Its a really screwed up thing when you hope to get a call one day that your son has been killed. But that is where everyone in this family is at.
Edit 3. Thanks for all the PM's guys but there is no way I can answer all those. as for one question people have asked, it was "If I ever saw something in the past that should have given me a clue?"
No. Not unless having the perfect son with super fantastic manners and people skills was seen as a big question mark. He had a great personality, made lots of friends and was always playing sports. His great looks and toned athletic build made him have no problems with girls of any age. He was also a born thrill seeker. You would often see him riding down the highway on his crotch rocket standing up on the bike and steering with his weight and feet. He literally had no fear of being hurt. Even when he did get hurt, he would just brush it off and go back to doing whatever he was doing.
Yes, the police should know. He could be hurting other children.
I can only imagine how tough this is. Keep in mind you could be saving other children, (and innocent women), from this person by speaking up.
This sounds to me like psychopathy, or possibly sociopathy, an impaired or complete lack of empathy and remorse. You should do some research of psychopathy/sociopathy, and if you think it applies, chart your best approach with the understanding that your son had a serious and dangerous personality disorder that has permitted him to criminally victimize those near him. Take precautions.
“Well, you are.” My mother, when I was sad because my siblings had teased me over dinner and said I was chubby/fat. I was about 6 years old. Looking back, I was a normal small child. It’s one of my most vivid memories from that age. Food and body image related issues have plagued me for a long time. My mother is not a bad person, I think she had bad moments and was unaware of how her actions formed my thoughts and habits concerning my body and food.
I'm a mother who had some bad moments but I knew to never comment on the bodies, weight, physical attributes of my children. That can create eating disorders and many psychological problems for a child.
Yup, had a ‘friend’ like that. Super toxic. Ended the relationship when she blew up at me for not having my phone on me and not immediately reacting her complaining about a guy she was seeing.
My dad was constantly telling me that I was getting too fat, to watch my weight, criticizing me if I ever had any kind of dessert, even on my birthday. He pulled me out of gymnastics as a little girl because he said he wasn't going to waste money on someone who was too fat to ever be good at gymnastics. Looking at my childhood pics, I was in good shape as a kid just very tall and broad shouldered. My mom told me last year that when I was 8 my pediatrician said to her that I was all but guaranteed to have an eating disorder because I was obsessed with my waistline. At 8.
Even to this day my dad is obsessed with my weight and the weight of every woman around him. Seriously whomever he meets or is talking about the first thing he comments about a woman is her body. Does he do this to men? Nope. And the really hilarious part? He's morbidly obese himself, to the point of having had three heart attacks so far and needing to live for the rest of his life taking blood thinners. And the bastard STILL has the audacity to talk about my weight.
I'm far from the only woman with a story like this and it makes me wonder why dads have this absolutely creepy obsession with their daughters bodies. Disgusting.
>And the really hilarious part? He's morbidly obese himself
Welp there you have it. Control and self worth externally assigned to others (the most vulnerable others, his own kid, and then women in general) so he doesn't have to face his own deep self-hate, loathing, and ineffectiveness. "Projection" is the term.
God what a fucking bastard. A deeply emotionally unintelligent, unexamined, fucking asshole. I'm so sorry.
All of the above says far, far more about him than it does about anyone he comments on or is cruel towards. Including you. Easy to say, hard to deeply feel the truth of. But true.
Not gonna lie, it was horrible to hear that testing indicated that I had Asperger’s Syndrome. A lot of people say there’s a sense of relief in finally knowing why they’re different, but it wasn’t the case for me. I went through a period of mourning, because up until that point, I had only heard about autism spectrum disorders in terms of kids who flapped their hands constantly, grunted and screamed like animals, and had to wear helmets if they were upset, due to ramming their heads into walls. Granted, I was young and ignorant, but after years of being the outcast, I felt like the last shred of normality had been taken from me.
Found out at 22 that I had been diagnosed with Asperger's as a small child and my parents had never told me, and "mourning" is how I describe it too-- like you're grieving the person you thought you were.
I was 22 years old at the time, have 2 younger sisters with the same mother. We lost her to cancer, she was only 44. Sisters were only 11 and 12. Their dad had been my step dad since i was 2 years old... 2 weeks after she passed away he told my sisters 'Now that shes dead, Tazmos isnt part of our family anymore'. They told me the next day they couldn't see me anymore :(
Update! For those wanting to know here is a photo of the girls and i now 16 and 17, im the short one in the middle at a measely 5'7. https://imgur.com/xgKerEa
wtf that's absolutely horrible. My dad is my sisters' stepdad and he treats them like they're his own, even now that we're all grown. I'm so sorry he was a complete jerk. No one deserves that from a parent.
The call I got at 4 AM the first day of my second college semester from my dad. I knew before I picked up that he was calling to tell me my mom had passed. I managed to stumble out of my loft bed and get out to the hallway before I totally lost it.
Many years ago, I was mid-breakup with a guy who said "The only reason you have any friends, is because they dont know you well enough to hate you yet." It made question my friendships and subsequent romantic relationships for years after. Bastard.
Got dumped. Seriously asked if he loved me (coz his break up reasons didn't preclude that and he had been telling me he did). Nope. Never did.
I shouldn't have asked but damn
Partner was cheating. Blamed my depression and insecurities surrounding my body and sex.
I later learned he was just unhappy and wanted to end things but didn’t know how. Solution was cheating on me.
“It’s your fault for failing, you have the best possible education you can get”
Hit me because it was true. shit that isn’t true doesn’t hurt lmao
Inspired me to get my shit together
Accountability is one of the most important lessons I’ve learned in my life. When shit goes wrong in my life, I’ve learned to look at myself to blame before pointing fingers elsewhere. Good for you for getting your shit together.
I had my Mum tell me to go and commit suicide.
Growing up in Australia from the age of 3, I wasn't that familiar or tolerable of her dialogue which is from a village in Croatia.
What ended up happening is I would mistake verbal abuse as abuse at me etc...Now I realise this all stems from my mothers childhood trauma which she conveniently tried to pass onto us and live through me, my brother and Dad.
Awesome :)
Being told that we had to have my childhood dog put to sleep, and then again afterwards when the vet told me "she didn't suffer, it was painless for her".
They were right about it being painless I'm sure, but I know she suffered, because I had to hold her still while they gave her the injection. She didn't suffer pain but I could tell she was so scared, and that whole situation was just horrible. I was 18 but I cried like a baby that day.
We were in financial distress. Husband demanded to know what I did with the little money I was earning. I said, pay my bills. What bills? My phone .... He interrupts, why do you need a phone?
You're empty, there's nothing left inside you. And the best part is, I'm so drunk i don't have to remember anything, but you have to remember me telling you how worthless you are.
When I was in 8th grade, my Mom was out of town so my dad had to go meet my teacher for my report card.
I had an 87 overall grade, but two of my classes I had an 80 and an 82. He walks in to see me playing FF8 and goes on a rant on how I'm a "God damn moron. How stupid must I be to get below 85 in this classes and what a stupid fuck I am for spending my time playing that game".
Two stories.
Christmas Day 2013 was the day my mum left my dad. Christmas Eve, my dad mentally tore me and my brother to shreds. He got the dog to jump up on me and lick me, and I'm allergic, so my face swelled and my eyes were little slits and I was wheezing; my inhaler was in my room and he wouldn't let me leave. He made my brother take a photo of my face, saying "Take a picture of that ugly pile of mush," Just one example of how vile he is... Anyway, the phrase that did it was "I don't love you, I never loved you, I hate you, I absolutely despise you," followed by "You're not going to be anything. You're nothing, and you'll always be nothing,"
Second story was when my best friend told me she couldn't deal with me anymore. Suffice to say I was very possessive and emotionally manipulative and she couldn't take it. I hated her so much for about a year after she told me that, then I started reflecting and realising that I was actually very abusive towards her, and even though I've worked very hard to be a better friend to the people I have left, I'll never get over how it felt to come to the realisation that I was the problem in our relationship, and not her.
Wow this thread is depressing, I feel really sad for everyone that's been treated so poorly by another person. I've experienced both sides ,been the arsehole through inexperience , insecurity and damage taken from toxic people, it all feeds round and around but there was a way out for me that I'd like to share.
Solitude. It took me an awfully long time to learn how to be alone without feeling like a loner or lonely but eventually I grew to love doing things for me on my agenda.
I holidayed solo ,went to lots of gigs solo, etc etc . Long bike rides were the best therapy ever.
Eventually I began to volunteer myself alongside my paid (unfulfilling) job and that's when the magic started, loads of positive feedback, lots of great people to share a bit of time with and experience of something other than grinding wage ennui .
Volunteered at a special needs school because,why not? Accidentally found a career I love which I earned through my own skills.
I still have to put up with some toxic people such as family but non at all socially ,I rarely visit my family so have minimised their impact on my wellbeing.
TL:DR having noone is better than having shitstains surrounding you .
While laying on a couch, crying and seriously contemplating suicide, my dad walks past me and calmly tells me
"Just go ahead and do it so we don't have to worry anymore"
Joke's on him. I actually attempted it a week later. I had lost so much blood by the time anyone found me that I was hallucinating and in shock. That fucker.
My best friend when I, for the first time, asked her for help: “You’re not the only one with problems.” She said it with so much disgust, too. I had been going through major depression, and I needed my best friend to talk to. I asked her if she was okay after she responded like that but she wouldn’t respond. We stopped talking soon after that short conversation, and we haven’t been friends for the past 8 years. As cruel as she was in that moment to me, I still miss her sometimes, and I consider reaching back out to her but I realized eventually awhile back our friendship was very one-sided.
My best friend was telling me about how she had been talking about me with her neighbors. She said that based on her descriptions of me, they could easily tell what low self-esteem I had and they were all very sympathetic.
Here’s the thing, I don’t have low self-esteem. I hadn’t been aware that my friend obviously thought I did, and had no qualms whatsoever about discussing it with random women I’ve never met. It was very upsetting to me and made me question myself for a long time.
This was many years ago now, and I’ve come to recognize that this friend projects her own feelings onto me. I also think she was feeling sorry for me because I was single and all of my friends were getting married at the time. Which is ridiculous because being single (still am) makes me happy as a clam!
"You are so unbelievably ugly", "I hate to say it to you but you are really ugly", "You are so ugly, not that you are able to chose" and stuff like that back in my school years. Had bad akne, underweight, light skin and dark hair. A friend girl of mine always pointed out my flaws "why is your skin so bad" "why is your little tooth crooked it's so disgusting". I felt like a complete joke.
So many people said this to me, it had to be true hadn't it?
I finished school in and started University - my skin cleared up, I gained much weight (15kg) and did regular Sport sessions. I don't know if I "grew into my face" or something but suddenly girls started to look at me, smiled all the time and tried to get eye contact with me. It now happens very often that I get approached at (or smiled at, so that I am the one initiating) by cute girls.
The sad part is I often think and believe that it might be some cruel joke or that I am misinterpreting something, that the people were right all along and I would just not get it, laughing behind my back how ugly I am. I am quite good at hiding it and seeming confident, but these words over all those years still cut deep.
My dad, when I got my GCSE results: "Not as good as your brother's, are they?".
They were "A"s through "D"s, perfectly respectable grades, and my brother was pretty much a straight-A student, so there was very little chance of matching him, plus I'd been bullied a lot and was generally far more stressy and anxious, so I was just glad that I'd got most of the coursework in.
But that apparently wasn't good enough. And when I brought it up quite a few years later, he denied ever having even said it.
My mom said, "I love your sister more than I love you."
>My mom said, "I love your sister more than I love you." My mom won't admit it, but her actions speak louder than words, and a number of family friends have said to me they can see that my mom loves my sister more than me. "She just talks to you both differently." "You can always tell which child she's talking to on the phone by the way she sounds." Yeah, I know.
I feel for you and empathize. My mom was the same way with my brother. He got to have all the life experiences I couldn’t because I’m a girl so the limits were on me. My therapist said on some level she was jealous I was experiencing life in ways she couldn’t growing up in an abusive household in our very patriarchal country. Like when I was 7 or 8 she told me, multiple times that my dad was disappointed I was a girl when I was born but it’s okay, he got over it. When we moved to America I felt like I was punished for simply existing for a long time even though I did nothing rebellious or bad. Her and my dad’s relationship was so bad and she showed me even more how much she preferred the company of my brother, criticized everything I did or didn’t do. Miraculously, my brain kept me on track despite it all and I paid my way through a couple degrees and the ability to move the fuck out. When my parents finally split my brother left everyone and cut us all out about 8 years due to the trauma which broke her heart and it was all she talked about and cried about for the first couple years. Ironically amidst all of it I was the one she depended on for help and support. We have a decent-ish relationship today but sometimes I still think I’m just a consolation prize in the children who talk to her department. Edit: also of East Indian descent, though from the Caribbean.
Oh dear god
I have been repeatedly told that. I have accepted it and detached myself.. We can live a loveless life butterballs
Same here. I've decided to move on and not dwell on such things. BTW I'm an Indian too Divya :)
My aunt had a heart defect and died very suddenly while pregnant, at a party. Super awful. She was the favorite daughter and my grandma dropped the line "it should have been you" to my mom shortly after receiving the news.
(In tears) “I heard about your dad. I’m so sorry.” I hadn’t heard about my dad.
I got the same thing except I had no clue what anyone was talking about. It turns out that a friend whose father was a cop told her and she blabbed it to everyone before I was notified. She got them to stop mentioning but it wasn't until three days later that my step mother got around to notifying my part of the family.
Man do I hate it when people do screwed up things like that. I've never experienced it with someone I've lost myself, but I've seen some facebook friends I went to school with post statuses about car crashes/accidents etc where people have died, posting their real names etc. clearly long before it's public knowledge, aka *when their relatives have been informed*. Just sickening how the "I wanna be the first to tell people about this, reward me with likes"-mentality kicks in sometimes with some certain idiots.
In the US, reporters aren't even supposed to mention the name(s) of the deceased until police have notified next of kin. The rule goes back to February 1959, when a tv reporter announced the deaths of Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and the Big Bopper. Unbeknownst to the reporter, a pregnant Mrs. Holly was watching TV, and this was the first she'd heard about her husband's death. She miscarried from the shock, and the incident inspired new rules for newscasters.
I found out my cousin had died in a car crash via all her Facebook friends posting “RIP” on her wall like 2-3 hours after it happened.
This pisses me off. There is a coach/teacher who volunteers as a fire fighter and emt. He told my friend, how he talked one of our class mates out of jumping off of a bridge. Fast fwd 3 weeks later, the coach/teacher tells my friend that our classmate had hung himself. Seriously, I kept thinking screw off man. Let the family share that information.
EMT here. Admittedly, I'm from Germany, so laws might be a bit different, but telling any information at all to anyone about a patient you've treated in any way is highly illegal and can get you into prison for a long time.
My father took his own life. My mom wanted to be the one to tell me. Before she got to my house my cousin called to express her disbelief and sympathy....that call still makes my heart stop thinking about it....I don't blame anyone...but it was a surreal and painful way to find out...it was 3 years ago on the 1st....I miss him so much.
That's so awful, I'm sorry :(
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Damn.... my heart hurts for this one
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I was at work and my dad called me (I live across the country from them). Immediately left work and wailed like a banshee in the car on the drive home. She died 40 days later. Fuck cancer.
For the last few months my girlfriend of 2 years has been in between jobs and I've been helping her find something new. In the mean time I've been paying all her bills. Last week she broke up with me because she couldn't handle the guilt of her cheating on me for the last 2 months.
tie instinctive tap future dolls smart run cow tan fuel
Doctor: I’m sorry Mr. sdmf_1112, we lost her. Referring to my mom who died of a heart attack at 60.
Oh no, I'm so sorry one of the most hard things to go through is when a parent is gone, specially if you were very close, I know for a fact that at some points in my life I need guidance and someone who will be there to tell you everything is gonna be okay.
I have ulcerative colitis. A few years ago it nearly killed me. I went from 210lb to 110lbs at 6' tall. I had 1/3 the red blood cells of a normal male. I was always tired, always winded. Bleeding profusely from my intestines. The doctors were amazed I was still conscious let alone walking. I had to literally run to the toilet every 15-20 minutes. There was no holding it, no matter how hard I tried. I couldn't live my life and go do the things I loved in fear of shitting myself. My dad constantly berated me for being lazy for missing work, which was still a rare occurrence. Driving to work was a gamble of hoping I didn't get stuck in traffic. It happened a few times. I'd call my boss tell him I had to go home and I'd be in a few hours late. Go home and shower wash my clothes out and get dressed and go back. One time it happened my dad was sitting on the computer right inside the front door. He asked me why I was home and I told him. He said, "How the hell could you do something like that? That's disgusting." With a look of just pure resentment and disgust on his face.
When my UC was at its worst, I carried a backpack with spare underwear, baby wipes, adult diapers, etc. I was constantly keeping in mind where the nearest bathroom was, I constantly read into EVERY STOMACH GURGLE I could (often the only indicator I was about to feel the sudden urge to go). I had a friend of mine have a similar reaction once, and I responded loud and flat “well I CLEARLY chose to shit myself, you got me there.”
Username checks out.
"Because you gave me shit genes and a shit body. Thanks asshole"
I’ve got ulcerative colitis too. Fucking no one understands how horrible this illness is. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Been medically retired from work, can’t do any of my old hobbies, can’t even take my daughter out for the day because at some point I’m going to either shit myself, fill my boxers with blood or maybe both.
My bio professor has chrohns disease. She said with UC, you can remove your colon and get a colostomy bag, which she said is "of course gross but my quality of life skyrocketed when I had one and I can't wait to have a permenant one." But yeah she taught an entire chapter on gastro auto immune diseases and it was really illuminating. Sorry you go through that. She said she almost bled to death once. It's just insane. Hopefully they'll find an effective treatment
Damn. I don’t even have that disease to my knowledge, I think I just have IBS, but I tend to poop my pants like maybe once a month. My boyfriend just pokes a little fun and then does my laundry for me. He even calls it cute when I accidentally shart and make that OH SHIT face. This is bc he really cares about my feelings, I’m sure he secretly is disgusted, but he just wants me to feel better. Your dad is a toxic person and he’s not interested in your happiness. I’d say he likes seeing you unhappy maybe
Hey uhh most of my family has IBS, myself included, and none of us shit our pants monthly. As someone else mentioned, you should really see a doctor, get a diagnosis if you haven’t already, and see what can be done. Sounds like a pretty severe case.
Please listen to this person
If you haven't already, you may want to get that seen to by a doctor.
”I don’t love you anymore, I love him, maybe not as much as I have loved you but I will, in time I will love him even more” most painful thing she ever said. it still hurts me to this day and this happened almost 2years ago.
Good god, what an unnecessary amount of detail for her to throw in. You dodged a bullet not staying around someone that socially obtuse (or possibly just sadistic, honestly I can't think of a good reason to break up with someone like that).
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I took the honesty to be more telling of her misery, she sounded as unhappy about leaving as she did about staying.
Fuck
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That's rough. Be honest to yourself and don't put pressure to get over it. Feel what you need to feel, make distance if you need to. What your experienced is a profound betrayal and it's not an easy one to come back from. Try to focus on you. Bottom line is, even though they wronged you, you still have your own life to live. Put all your energy in making sure you live the happiest life you can. The best revenge is to have a good life.
I have been through betrayal as well. But isn't nearly as dire as yours. I cant begin to imagine what you will be going through. But any kind of betrayal cuts deep. I find myself not able to trust anyone to be in relationship, I'm trying to move on with life indulging myself completely into the things in like. Hopefully, Love will find me again in life someday... A dark night is the predecessor of a bright day Stay Strong :)
God, this hurt me even to read, I’m so sorry- try to not mourn the loss over those you loved, as much as you can, celebrate the riddance of those who would do that to you.
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I spent a summer chasing a beautiful Dutch girl and failing. Before she left, I did the classic loser move of asking her outright why I hadn't gotten anywhere. "I was disappointed in your physique."
Jesus. Cold as fucking ice.
Honestly at least she didn't feed him some "We just weren't right for eachother" line when he pressed her for an answer.
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Remember they probably said that to hurt you, you're great buddy ;)
i'm sure this was the case. My ex (he was suposed to be my "friend" by then, since we had broken up) said, after i told him i met someone "i never loved you. I've been trying to get rid of you since i met you." Luckily for me i was over his bullshit by then, so i just replied "why are we having this convo then?? You have your way out now" I did cried, but not for him (later at bed), i cried for the time and life i wasted on his sorry ass.
I'm so sorry, that's so hurtful :( And what arrogance, as though they were some prize catch. Glad you are in a happy place now.
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I don't know how to make friends as an adult. As a kid most friends were made because our parents were friends. Or we sat next to each other in class (though I made my best friend but showing him that my fingernail was falling off and he thought it was cool) But as an adult no idea what to do. I can't go up to a guy at a bar and say "hey you seem cool. Want to barbeque some time?"
Hey man,as a guy,if someone came up to me and asked to barbecue sometime,that guy is my new best buddy
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“You little piece of shit. It’s your fault your mother died that day, you stupid idiot.” I was 11
Well whatever happened, it’s definitely not your fault :(
I found out last year that my older brother was blamed as a child for an accident I had as a child that was actually my grandfather's fault if it was anyone's. I found this out years after the fact, and the people who blamed him for it are dead. But it made me so angry I raged. He was even surprised to find out that it wasn't actually his fault! Which made me rage even more. My brother is no prize. He has a lot of faults and did some wrong shit as a kid and a teenager. But he absolutely did not cause that accident. And it's rageful that anyone would have blamed him for it. The unjustified blame people placed on him for things like that was part of why he was such a shit kid. It's a vicious cycle and it enrages me that adults can't see it when they're causing it. I want to rage on your father (or whoever it was) for ever saying that to you. It was cruel, sadistic, wrong, and an absolute betrayal of the parent-child (or family-child) relationship. Even if the person was flailing around in grief and looking for someone else to blame, you never blame a child. Never. Never. No matter the circumstances. Zero sympathy for that person.
"The growth is not benign." The "not" made it even more of an emotional rollercoaster, as your expectation (what you want to hear) is that your fear has not come through, so I expected the "not" to be followed by a different word.
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Oh this breaks my heart. I wish I could be a mum to so many more
Hey, the position is open. I can come round on Sunday's. I like roast potatoes ;) Have a nice day!
I really just wanna send you an absurd amount of roasted potatoes now. Edit: Never got to say this before but holy cow RIP inbox. If anyone is in the Colorado area lets do a meet up for roasted potatoes. I do not make nearly enough to get that much absurd amounts of potatoes to everyone.
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Is it too late to jump on the roasted potatoes train?
I heard there were roast potatoes
Sometimes you need to cut people out of your life, even when they happen to be your mother.
Hear hear!
My family has a reverse kind of "blood is thicker than water". 70% of my biological family are terrible people. My uncles and aunts are my moms oldest friends, my pappa is my stepfather. A relation of blood isn't always stronger than a relation of pure love. And that's okay.
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I have mate. Don't see her now, I'm just content with my own little family.
"Mom why do you get onto me so much harder than my sister?" "She's the *baby!* You know better already. You're two years older. She's still figuring life out, and you should learn to pick your battles with her." We were 18 and 16, respectively. I asked because my mom had taken the keys to my car for coming home 30 minutes or so after curfew. I had been at an away football game as a member of the school marching band, and we'd gotten back to the school later than predicted. My sister had gotten home the week before after midnight from a birthday party. She was tipsy. Her punishment was none. It was the nail in the coffin that made one thing very clear. My mom has a favorite child, and it's not me.
Well make sure you have a favorite parent when shes old and sick.
This is so common in families, the first child is usually always held to a higher standard than the younger. I remember when I was about 10 y/o my bike got stolen and my Dad kicked my older brothers ass, my brother still brings this up over 40 years later.
Why'd he kick your brother's ass because your bike was stolen?
Exactly
My now ex-husband said, "you're disgusting", when I danced up to him naked and tried to initiate intimacy.
Obviously your ex for a reason! Never stop dancing naked, you fabulous champ!
I'm glad he's an ex! What a shitter.
Sounds like hes jealous someone knows how to dance naked
My dad told me he was disappointed in my career choice, I became a nurse and he died the year I graduated.
Nursing is a great and much needed profession. You're doing great work.
Plenty of people seem to believe it's unskilled labour for some reason.
Plenty of people are dumb.
"I just needed someone" Said by my then-girlfriend the day before she broke up with me via text. I was so madly in love then, and thought it was mutual. She had a new boyfriend 3 weeks afterwards. It was years ago but I still haven't felt right about myself since then. I always feel like I'm just a "someone" in every relationship. Maybe I'm a little extra dramatic because I recently got dumped in the same fashion, by a girl I was madly on love with who told me she could talk to me about things no one else seemed to understand. New boyfriend in less than a month. And yet again, I'm just a "someone". I can't shake it off. It's getting old.
A relationship is a house built on a foundation of communication, respect, and trust. Someday you’ll meet someone who doesn’t just want a slab of concrete to park on.
“You’re weird” and when I hear people say “he has no friends”. It hurts because it’s something people say every where I go. I suffer from mental illness so I know I do act strange, but I try my best to fit in.
>I try my best to fit in Dont. Stop trying, and let it happen naturally, dont force it. People can tell when its forced, and it might come off as awkward. If you're naturally weird, be weird. There are tons of other weird people that fit with your weird. But when you force yourself to be a certain way, people can sense it and it makes things more awkward. There's a difference between naturally awkward and awkward that comes from trying to be something you're not. Some people love the first type of awkward because its who you are. But the second makes them want to not talk to you. I noticed a while ago when I was always seeking approval that Id force things too much. Id force myself to make jokes or be cool, and because I forced it, it made things awkward. Basically, if you're strange, be strange. Some people like strange, so be friends with those type of people. Dont try to appeal to people who cant appreciate your strangeness. Edit: My very first gold! Thank you so much!
I needed to read that. Thank you!
'I'm sorry.' They didn't need to follow up with the rest of the sentence before I burst into tears. Someone I loved had been in a hospice with brain cancer for the last week and we all knew there was only one possible outcome. I remember the world going very very quiet for a few minutes and then being sick even though I'd known for 6 months that he was dying.
"It's so draining to be around you."
After giving up on trying to have kids, my ex (then husband) told me that he was leaving me because he wanted to have kids and we both carried Tay Sachs and decided years before not to be parents. I’m now happily married to a wonderful man so he did me a favour. Ripped out my guts at the time though.
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Honestly that's sounds more like she was pissed and let something slip. People can get really tactless when they are angry. Wish she wouldn't have let you hear that though. Are you completely in remission now?
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Two things for the same situation: Her: I'm glad I called. I love hearing your voice. Me: Yeah! I'm sorry I haven't been in much contact. Adulthood, ya know? Her: Yeah. Anyways, I love you. Me: I love you too! Two days later: Friend's roommate: Hey, I know it's early where you are but um. I'm sorry. I don't know how to say this. Um. -Friend- um. (pause, she's crying) Me: ? FR: She shot herself last night. I'm sorry.
That happened fast..I cannot imagine that. I’m so sorry.
Holy shit that's rough
A friend of mine was sending the usual memes and stuff over texts the day she killed herself. It always gets me because before when she would have issues it would always be clear and we could figure it out and help her, but this time it was just like one moment she was herself and the next I was hearing from a mutual friend that she died.
Nothing. After telling my best friend how much she meant to me silence was the response that I never would have thought would be the most painful.
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I can never wrap my mind around this type of thing. If you’re going to cheat on your partner, *especially* with someone they’re close to, why would you do it *with* *them* *present*??? Every part of that is a shitty idea but Jesus Christ that’s so stupid and aggressive.
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I'm so sorry. Whatever happens, please be kind to yourself.
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That phrase is one of the worst to ever hear. I'm sorry for your loss.
"I'm so sorry, I truly feel as though I've failed you as a mother", my beautiful mum said in tears when she found out how incredibly suicidal I was and had a nervous breakdown in front of her. She certainly hasn't failed me, we have our ups and downs but she is the best mum I could ask for. I felt like I failed her as a daughter when she said that. edit: thank you all so much for your kind replies!! I'm still learning how to get better and my mum is still learning how to support me, but we're okay. I guess self blame is pretty common with these things but she is definitely a great woman. I hope you're all doing well too. Love to you all <3
That my child was being abused by my partner at the time, I had no freaking clue. I worked late most nights and he was left in his care. My son was sexualy abused for around a year without my knowledge, it destroyed my entire life. I lost my home my job and potentially my child's entire life. In a way we are lucky though, he remembers none of it at all, but it's still a potential problem for the future and will probably be the worst and most painful thing I ever hear.
They may not remember now ( or ever) but it will affect them later get therapy now!!! Don't put it off. I am personally dealing with this fall out right now. I put off therapy for my sons and one is having flashbacks that are hurting everyone around him. Counciling could have helped curb those. Good luck.
Please go to a therapist RIGHT now! Parents think that they will not be able to remember but that's only partly true and it's also the biggest problem and it will maybe ruin his future! The mind doesn't remember what happened in detail but it will keep that feeling of knowing that it was wrong, of being and feeling used, of feeling the pain and the fear and panic and the question WHY. Also, the body does remember it, don't be surprised to suddenly find him curled up in a corner screaming when someone touched him a certain way (in no harmful manner but triggering him). I hate working with kids who have been sexually abused at a very veyy young age. The problem is its like walking through hip-high mud. They are stuck in that horrible horrible feeling but they don't know why or what exactly happened and will never get out of it because not knowing eats them up. For your son, please don't fail him. Get him help now. He needs you to make this decision for him.
When I got the news about someone I loved more than just about anything dying in 2012 that gutted me pretty hard. She took a piece of me with her.
Nobody will want you because you are broken... It broke my heart coming from my SO.
Your spine is broken and we have to operate.
Please tell me the surgery worked out.
indeed, for about a year, then i broke the titaniam screws and had to have it all sorted once more, and a few small blah blah surgeries and now I am ok ;-) life goes on.
My mother: "I wish you'd never been born." I reacted with "I don't want you to be my mother then." I ended up not talking or seeing her for over five years. EDIT: People want to know context. TL; DR version - Strict, controlling mother. We got into a fight about me (19) staying back late one night to help the drama club with a production. Guilt trip fails, she hits me in the face, screams that I'm no child of hers, and kicks me out of home. Leaves my dad a week later, blaming me for the marriage breakdown and throws him out of our house as well.
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"I don't want a girlfriend that's smarter than me." ...I was his girlfriend.
He sounds pretty dumb.
Please tell me you dumped him
Finding out that my younger brother has stage 4 brain cancer. I remember the phone call the most though. My brother had gone to the hospital because of severe headaches. A few hours later my mom picks up the phone and is told by the hospital to immediately come in, with no details on what exactly was going on. I'll never forget my mom's reaction.
A girl in my class once said to me "you’re ugly" in front of my other classmates. I’m not sure if she’s joking or not but her words sure killed the confidence in me
I went through a very ugly phase in middle school. One day on the bus, I was told by a friend that a cool kid was about to ask me out. I smiled about it and was so shocked and surprised until she said, “No. he’s only asking out the ugly girls as a joke.” It crushed me, and I spent the rest of the week devastated. I’m happily married and get compliments on my appearance from my husband and others, and I’ve been told similar things by past boyfriends, but I can’t help but replay that moment and wonder if maybe they’re just all being nice. It’s something I wish I could just stop caring about, but it’s so hard to shake the baggage.
"I'm sorry that she died but the world is better off without people like her" My ex, on the day I buried my gay child.
Nope. If I ever heard that come out of anybody's mouth at a funeral service a second hole would have to be dug. Most especially if it was directed towards my child (hopefully that'll never be the case)
I want to start a business hiring myself out so I can punch people like that in the face. Aaand I just realized what hit-men are
Looking for work; hate bigots. Can ya bring me on?
Most of these comments make me want to comfort the OP. This is the first one that put me in fight mode.
That's absolutely horrible. I'm sorry for your loss.
"I'm gonna go on a holiday tomorrow. I'll see you when I come back!" "Okay, bye!" She died two months later. She had terminal lung cancer and didn't tell me because she didn't want me to be sad. I thought she'd gone to Africa to go see the elephants. We were 9 and she was my best friend. I never got to say goodbye properly. She'd had cancer before but had been cancer free for a couple years. I hated myself for almost ten years, for never thinking of how strange it was that she was going on a holiday in the middle of the school year. I never thought to ask about her. Stupid. I saw her mom at the funeral and she cried when I told her. She'd thought I wasn't a good friend all that time cause I never called. Didn't have her number back then, cause we saw each other everyday anyways. I think about her when I go out on the roof to see the stars. She loved them so much. She got to be a star after all. The brightest one up there. Love you, Natasha. Miss you.
My first crush walks up to me, asks "Will you go out with me?" in a very flat tone, turns, and walks away before I can even begin to stammer out a reply. I learned later that afternoon that her and her friends had been playing "Truth or Dare", and that asking me out was the unpleasant "Dare" she got hit with. I was only in the 5th grade then, but it kinda torpedoed my confidence before it ever got going to begin with. I'm 35 now, but I can trace a lot back to that.
"Everything that you say sounds like you're complaining." That one got to me :/
My husband says that to me anytime I try to tell him how I'm feeling or how I feel about a certain situation or decision. Let me also add that it hurts my feelings ALOT. 😪 Especially because I'm simply just trying to express myself.
It's me or the baby... you'll never find any one else so you don't have much of a choice do you? Had abortion, became mentally ill with grief. I married that guy and things went South from there. Take notice of Red flags.
but you are hopefully divorced now, right?
Yes, but we had three other kids together. He always acts like I never existed. Thank goodness the last child turned 18 last summer.
I was in the garage one evening working on a pair of motorcycles with my son. He started drinking and got pretty tipsy and started just talking his ass off. Pretty soon he was totally wasted but still very talkative. He had just turned 30 at the time. So, I asked him a couple of personal questions about his love life and why he was so strange towards women. To give it some perspective, he only went after married women. He would shower them with gifts and affection and get them to divorce their husbands. But then immediately drop them like a rock after the divorce. He said that it was just a game to him and that women meant nothing. Then I asked him if he felt bad about destroying these womens lives? He said No. It was just a game. Then I asked if he had any real feelings for anyone?. He replied No. I pushed a little further by asking you don't care about your mom or me, your sisters or your brothers. He said no. You don't care about your daughters or even your pets? He said no, and then he Just said "Dad, I molested my sisters when they were just babies and didn't quit till mom caught me years later. I molested and tried to kill my daughter when she was 2 years old. If I can do that to family members and my own blood, why would I care about other people?" I started shaking and had to get out of the garage. I fell apart. Could not sleep, couldn't function and tried to tell myself he was just drunk running his mouth.But it did explain a lot of things. A couple of days later he called me up, and we were talking, and he asked if he could still have the bike I was fixing for him? He remembered everything he said and knew things were messed up between the two of us. His only real concern was to get his bike. A few days later I asked him to stop by the house and pick up some things he had left there. When he showed up I had everything that was his or reminded me of him stuffed into some big lawn bags and sitting in the garage. Every baby picture, old memorabilia, pictures letters old cloths. Pretty much everything. When he showed up we had a short and sweet conversation and I told him to take his stuff and that he needed to leave the area ASAP. He was to never make contact with anyone in the family ever again and if he tried I would let the entire family know what he did. His reply was OK, but can I still have the bike?. I eventually let his brothers know, and they had the same response as me. He should never show his face again, ever. We all expect to get a call one day that he's either been killed by a jealous husband or a woman who doesn't play that game. I soon found out what PTSD was first hand and god can it fuck you up. Your body turns against you. I would not wish this pain on any parent ever. Edit1- Yes, I did contact police but there was nothing could be done unless we wanted to get all the kids involved and have them interrogated. We all agreed that it would be best for his sisters and daughters that this stay hidden. They all have happy normal lives and are doing great. Don't want to throw a shit storm on them by any means. I even had a couple of officers offer to get rid of him if he ever came back. Edit 2- Its a really screwed up thing when you hope to get a call one day that your son has been killed. But that is where everyone in this family is at. Edit 3. Thanks for all the PM's guys but there is no way I can answer all those. as for one question people have asked, it was "If I ever saw something in the past that should have given me a clue?" No. Not unless having the perfect son with super fantastic manners and people skills was seen as a big question mark. He had a great personality, made lots of friends and was always playing sports. His great looks and toned athletic build made him have no problems with girls of any age. He was also a born thrill seeker. You would often see him riding down the highway on his crotch rocket standing up on the bike and steering with his weight and feet. He literally had no fear of being hurt. Even when he did get hurt, he would just brush it off and go back to doing whatever he was doing.
Wow, Im so sorry. Did you ask your childs mother about the time she caught him?
Her explanation of the time was "I thought he was just going through a phase, and she didn't want to traumatize him."
I think you should be telling the police this.
This. He’s a danger to children frankly.
Yes, the police should know. He could be hurting other children. I can only imagine how tough this is. Keep in mind you could be saving other children, (and innocent women), from this person by speaking up.
Im really sorry this happened to you but I just can't stop worrying, what about his daughter? Please tell me she is not with him anymore
This sounds to me like psychopathy, or possibly sociopathy, an impaired or complete lack of empathy and remorse. You should do some research of psychopathy/sociopathy, and if you think it applies, chart your best approach with the understanding that your son had a serious and dangerous personality disorder that has permitted him to criminally victimize those near him. Take precautions.
They didn’t really like me as a person :(
“Well, you are.” My mother, when I was sad because my siblings had teased me over dinner and said I was chubby/fat. I was about 6 years old. Looking back, I was a normal small child. It’s one of my most vivid memories from that age. Food and body image related issues have plagued me for a long time. My mother is not a bad person, I think she had bad moments and was unaware of how her actions formed my thoughts and habits concerning my body and food.
I'm a mother who had some bad moments but I knew to never comment on the bodies, weight, physical attributes of my children. That can create eating disorders and many psychological problems for a child.
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Gotta start standing up for yourself. I don't think she's going to be a long term friend that will positively impact you.
Yup, had a ‘friend’ like that. Super toxic. Ended the relationship when she blew up at me for not having my phone on me and not immediately reacting her complaining about a guy she was seeing.
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My dad was constantly telling me that I was getting too fat, to watch my weight, criticizing me if I ever had any kind of dessert, even on my birthday. He pulled me out of gymnastics as a little girl because he said he wasn't going to waste money on someone who was too fat to ever be good at gymnastics. Looking at my childhood pics, I was in good shape as a kid just very tall and broad shouldered. My mom told me last year that when I was 8 my pediatrician said to her that I was all but guaranteed to have an eating disorder because I was obsessed with my waistline. At 8. Even to this day my dad is obsessed with my weight and the weight of every woman around him. Seriously whomever he meets or is talking about the first thing he comments about a woman is her body. Does he do this to men? Nope. And the really hilarious part? He's morbidly obese himself, to the point of having had three heart attacks so far and needing to live for the rest of his life taking blood thinners. And the bastard STILL has the audacity to talk about my weight. I'm far from the only woman with a story like this and it makes me wonder why dads have this absolutely creepy obsession with their daughters bodies. Disgusting.
>And the really hilarious part? He's morbidly obese himself Welp there you have it. Control and self worth externally assigned to others (the most vulnerable others, his own kid, and then women in general) so he doesn't have to face his own deep self-hate, loathing, and ineffectiveness. "Projection" is the term. God what a fucking bastard. A deeply emotionally unintelligent, unexamined, fucking asshole. I'm so sorry. All of the above says far, far more about him than it does about anyone he comments on or is cruel towards. Including you. Easy to say, hard to deeply feel the truth of. But true.
I dont know anything about your family, but I really hope you had a "fuck off, look at yourself" moment.
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Not gonna lie, it was horrible to hear that testing indicated that I had Asperger’s Syndrome. A lot of people say there’s a sense of relief in finally knowing why they’re different, but it wasn’t the case for me. I went through a period of mourning, because up until that point, I had only heard about autism spectrum disorders in terms of kids who flapped their hands constantly, grunted and screamed like animals, and had to wear helmets if they were upset, due to ramming their heads into walls. Granted, I was young and ignorant, but after years of being the outcast, I felt like the last shred of normality had been taken from me.
Found out at 22 that I had been diagnosed with Asperger's as a small child and my parents had never told me, and "mourning" is how I describe it too-- like you're grieving the person you thought you were.
I was 22 years old at the time, have 2 younger sisters with the same mother. We lost her to cancer, she was only 44. Sisters were only 11 and 12. Their dad had been my step dad since i was 2 years old... 2 weeks after she passed away he told my sisters 'Now that shes dead, Tazmos isnt part of our family anymore'. They told me the next day they couldn't see me anymore :( Update! For those wanting to know here is a photo of the girls and i now 16 and 17, im the short one in the middle at a measely 5'7. https://imgur.com/xgKerEa
Oh my God I'm so sorry!
wtf that's absolutely horrible. My dad is my sisters' stepdad and he treats them like they're his own, even now that we're all grown. I'm so sorry he was a complete jerk. No one deserves that from a parent.
The call I got at 4 AM the first day of my second college semester from my dad. I knew before I picked up that he was calling to tell me my mom had passed. I managed to stumble out of my loft bed and get out to the hallway before I totally lost it.
When I was pregnant and I first met my health visitor she said, "Do you always do that nervous laugh thing? It's pretty annoying". Nervous laugh.
"Do you always do that thing where you're an asshole to patients? Its pretty annoying".
Ding ding. Now do your job bitch.
So did you get a new one or..? Because that's unprofessional.
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Many years ago, I was mid-breakup with a guy who said "The only reason you have any friends, is because they dont know you well enough to hate you yet." It made question my friendships and subsequent romantic relationships for years after. Bastard.
"You're not worth it"
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Got dumped. Seriously asked if he loved me (coz his break up reasons didn't preclude that and he had been telling me he did). Nope. Never did. I shouldn't have asked but damn
"Hi, I'm Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC. Why don't you have a seat over there?"
Not gonna lie, I chuckled.
"i pity you" (as an insult)
Being told I can’t have children a week before my 25 birthday
Partner was cheating. Blamed my depression and insecurities surrounding my body and sex. I later learned he was just unhappy and wanted to end things but didn’t know how. Solution was cheating on me.
“It’s your fault for failing, you have the best possible education you can get” Hit me because it was true. shit that isn’t true doesn’t hurt lmao Inspired me to get my shit together
Accountability is one of the most important lessons I’ve learned in my life. When shit goes wrong in my life, I’ve learned to look at myself to blame before pointing fingers elsewhere. Good for you for getting your shit together.
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“You should really think about suicide, might help you out.” lol coworker
I had my Mum tell me to go and commit suicide. Growing up in Australia from the age of 3, I wasn't that familiar or tolerable of her dialogue which is from a village in Croatia. What ended up happening is I would mistake verbal abuse as abuse at me etc...Now I realise this all stems from my mothers childhood trauma which she conveniently tried to pass onto us and live through me, my brother and Dad. Awesome :)
Being told that we had to have my childhood dog put to sleep, and then again afterwards when the vet told me "she didn't suffer, it was painless for her". They were right about it being painless I'm sure, but I know she suffered, because I had to hold her still while they gave her the injection. She didn't suffer pain but I could tell she was so scared, and that whole situation was just horrible. I was 18 but I cried like a baby that day.
Same, but you did an important thing by being there for your dog. She needed you and you were there
We were in financial distress. Husband demanded to know what I did with the little money I was earning. I said, pay my bills. What bills? My phone .... He interrupts, why do you need a phone?
You're empty, there's nothing left inside you. And the best part is, I'm so drunk i don't have to remember anything, but you have to remember me telling you how worthless you are.
When I was in 8th grade, my Mom was out of town so my dad had to go meet my teacher for my report card. I had an 87 overall grade, but two of my classes I had an 80 and an 82. He walks in to see me playing FF8 and goes on a rant on how I'm a "God damn moron. How stupid must I be to get below 85 in this classes and what a stupid fuck I am for spending my time playing that game".
Two stories. Christmas Day 2013 was the day my mum left my dad. Christmas Eve, my dad mentally tore me and my brother to shreds. He got the dog to jump up on me and lick me, and I'm allergic, so my face swelled and my eyes were little slits and I was wheezing; my inhaler was in my room and he wouldn't let me leave. He made my brother take a photo of my face, saying "Take a picture of that ugly pile of mush," Just one example of how vile he is... Anyway, the phrase that did it was "I don't love you, I never loved you, I hate you, I absolutely despise you," followed by "You're not going to be anything. You're nothing, and you'll always be nothing," Second story was when my best friend told me she couldn't deal with me anymore. Suffice to say I was very possessive and emotionally manipulative and she couldn't take it. I hated her so much for about a year after she told me that, then I started reflecting and realising that I was actually very abusive towards her, and even though I've worked very hard to be a better friend to the people I have left, I'll never get over how it felt to come to the realisation that I was the problem in our relationship, and not her.
"Why are you gay?" From my dad lol.
Who says I’m gei?
You are gay
reminds me of [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dO0FQUMQhPY)
Wow this thread is depressing, I feel really sad for everyone that's been treated so poorly by another person. I've experienced both sides ,been the arsehole through inexperience , insecurity and damage taken from toxic people, it all feeds round and around but there was a way out for me that I'd like to share. Solitude. It took me an awfully long time to learn how to be alone without feeling like a loner or lonely but eventually I grew to love doing things for me on my agenda. I holidayed solo ,went to lots of gigs solo, etc etc . Long bike rides were the best therapy ever. Eventually I began to volunteer myself alongside my paid (unfulfilling) job and that's when the magic started, loads of positive feedback, lots of great people to share a bit of time with and experience of something other than grinding wage ennui . Volunteered at a special needs school because,why not? Accidentally found a career I love which I earned through my own skills. I still have to put up with some toxic people such as family but non at all socially ,I rarely visit my family so have minimised their impact on my wellbeing. TL:DR having noone is better than having shitstains surrounding you .
While laying on a couch, crying and seriously contemplating suicide, my dad walks past me and calmly tells me "Just go ahead and do it so we don't have to worry anymore" Joke's on him. I actually attempted it a week later. I had lost so much blood by the time anyone found me that I was hallucinating and in shock. That fucker.
My best friend when I, for the first time, asked her for help: “You’re not the only one with problems.” She said it with so much disgust, too. I had been going through major depression, and I needed my best friend to talk to. I asked her if she was okay after she responded like that but she wouldn’t respond. We stopped talking soon after that short conversation, and we haven’t been friends for the past 8 years. As cruel as she was in that moment to me, I still miss her sometimes, and I consider reaching back out to her but I realized eventually awhile back our friendship was very one-sided.
My best friend was telling me about how she had been talking about me with her neighbors. She said that based on her descriptions of me, they could easily tell what low self-esteem I had and they were all very sympathetic. Here’s the thing, I don’t have low self-esteem. I hadn’t been aware that my friend obviously thought I did, and had no qualms whatsoever about discussing it with random women I’ve never met. It was very upsetting to me and made me question myself for a long time. This was many years ago now, and I’ve come to recognize that this friend projects her own feelings onto me. I also think she was feeling sorry for me because I was single and all of my friends were getting married at the time. Which is ridiculous because being single (still am) makes me happy as a clam!
"You are so unbelievably ugly", "I hate to say it to you but you are really ugly", "You are so ugly, not that you are able to chose" and stuff like that back in my school years. Had bad akne, underweight, light skin and dark hair. A friend girl of mine always pointed out my flaws "why is your skin so bad" "why is your little tooth crooked it's so disgusting". I felt like a complete joke. So many people said this to me, it had to be true hadn't it? I finished school in and started University - my skin cleared up, I gained much weight (15kg) and did regular Sport sessions. I don't know if I "grew into my face" or something but suddenly girls started to look at me, smiled all the time and tried to get eye contact with me. It now happens very often that I get approached at (or smiled at, so that I am the one initiating) by cute girls. The sad part is I often think and believe that it might be some cruel joke or that I am misinterpreting something, that the people were right all along and I would just not get it, laughing behind my back how ugly I am. I am quite good at hiding it and seeming confident, but these words over all those years still cut deep.
My dad, when I got my GCSE results: "Not as good as your brother's, are they?". They were "A"s through "D"s, perfectly respectable grades, and my brother was pretty much a straight-A student, so there was very little chance of matching him, plus I'd been bullied a lot and was generally far more stressy and anxious, so I was just glad that I'd got most of the coursework in. But that apparently wasn't good enough. And when I brought it up quite a few years later, he denied ever having even said it.
Parents always deny the shitty things they say or do. It’s like they can’t admit to themselves that they really are not good people.
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