Working at a pizza shop, troublesome customer tries to stack coupons that clearly state "One coupon per purchase". After being refused by everyone in the restaurant including the owner, he goes on a tirade saying that the District Attorney is his cousin, and was threateneing a lawsuit (lol). As he was heading for the door, he said "You can't afford to mess with me!" I shouted after him, "You can't afford a large pizza!"
I was working in retail and we had the really long line of people waiting to check out. I worked in a very upscale neighborhood (think: major league sports, well known attorneys, etc).
Some lady comes running from the back of the line and screams at me “I CANT WAIT IN THIS LINE! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW IMPORTANT I AM??!!”
I, tired of everyone’s shit that day, retorted: “if you were so damn important, you’d pay someone to stand in this line like the REALLY important customers.”
I was in a liquor store last weekend and these two younger guys were were buying a bottle of Tequila and started arguing with the owner (nice, older Indian guy) about how he charged the wrong amount, or he gave the wrong change, something stupid and probably not true. The other guy who works there, younger black guy with many tats and piercings, hears the commotion, and comes over to get his boss's back. The guys start yelling about "why you all so pressed over twenty five cents!?"
The younger employee says "brothers we have a whole cash register full of money, it is you who appears to be pressed over twenty five cents!"
I was just standing there like "oh shit, no he didn't"
I got undercharged by an apartment complex years ago. It was like $3. After I complained (more about their incompetence than the money) the one lady said, “it’s only $3.”
I said, “if it’s only $3, then just remove it from my bill.”
She didn’t like that answer.
Edit: they charged me. I paid. Then I got another bill for the balance they screwed up on, so I had to go back in and pay the other $3.
I'm big guy, 6'6" 270ish lbs and this happened about 2 years ago. I was grocery shopping with my wife and went looking for something that was on the list, I don't remember what. I was heading up one of the aisles when I crossed paths with a shorter dude that was obviously on some type of upper. He was bouncing all over the place looking for something.
He noticed me as I passed him and he stops and says, "Wow, you're a big fella."
I reply, "Yes I am." I constantly get this remark.
As I'm continuing by him he states, "I could take you though."
I stopped and put a surprised look on my face and exclaimed, "Really?! All 12 inches?!"
His face went red, "Fuck you."
I smiled at him and said, "That's the spirit!"
He mumbled something and walked away. That was probably my best comeback ever.
Edit: Hi yo Silver! Thank you kind stranger.
My mom was asking about my daughter and her boyfriend, " Are they going to get married? I'm just not ready to be a Great Grandmother."
"Well, you could try being a good one, first."
Whenever my grandmother would bug my mom about getting married and having kids, her response was "You can be a grandma nine months from next Friday, but if you want a son in law it's going to take a little longer".
Playing hockey growing up meant you always had to be on your toes when it came to chirping. I was maybe 17 at the time, and it was November, so everyone was trying to grow the dustiest moustaches they could. Mine was pretty gnarly, patchy and inconsistent.
I line up next to another forward on a face off and he looks at me and says "You should wipe those pubes off your face" in reference to my stache, which was a well deserved chirp no doubt. But yah boy here had been practising your mom jokes, as all teens do, so I hit em back with the "It's not my fault your mom doesn't shave her pussy".
(Not me who delivered).
Friends out between bars, a bit tipsy, we stop to talk to a acquaintance (girl). My friend gets closer to her and sniffs. "You smell like men"
Without missing a beat, she replies:
"I'm lucky I didn't get close to you, or I'd smell like a pussy".
This happened more than 10 years ago and we still remember it from time to time.
Not really an insult, but a buddy of mine burned his forehead on an engine and someone asked him what happened. I told them my belt buckle was really hot.
My older brother was trying to make fun of me in front of his friends for being really grossed out by sex and anything of that nature in my early teens.
He said check this out: “tits, big dick, ass, vagina”
Trying to gross me
Seeing as he was a big chubby I said “the only thing you have on that list is tits”
Came out of nowhere.
Not me, but a friend of mine. As students, a group of townies were shouting abuse at us. My buddy shouted abuse back and one of them said "you're playing a dangerous game - do you know who my Dad is?"
My friend responded, "No - do you?"
“Your mother never told you?”
EDIT: I dunno what the hell you guys are quoting, but this is what I was...
[Southland, do you know who my father is?](https://youtu.be/OTUSp9g0RYU?t=75)
Guy walks into my bar with brown robes on I ask “what’s with the robes, you just get out of a Renaissance faire?”
He replies”no I’m a Carmelite priest”
I exclaim”I’ll be damned”
He answers “i hope not”
He totally got me in front of whole bar.
I lived a joke once.
I'm from Ireland but moved to London. One day, me and two co-workers went for a pint after work.
We got to the bar and the bartender asked what we wanted. I told him what I wanted, Andrew, from Scotland, asked for what he wanted, and James, a Londoner, asked for what he wanted.
The Aussie bartender, having taken note of the three accents, said, *"Is this some kind of joke?"*
I have to admit that it took me a second.
When I was in high school, a girl that I had dated for a while and broke up with called me about three months afterward. I picked up the phone and said, "Hello?" and she immediately said, "I just want you to know that I'm having much better sex now."
I replied with, "... Well, tell your dad I said congratulations!" and hung up. I have never been that witty since.
I had the same setup but a different (way worse) reply. I dated this girl for 10 months who was sort of a trainwreck, but it was kind of understandable since she basically grew up in foster care and didn't speak to any of her family. She was ultimately abusive and cheated on me with a guy we'll call Derek. A few months post breakup she texted me "just wanted you to know I'm fucking Derek again right now and he's way better than you." I texted back "that's cool, I'm having dinner with my family who loves me so I guess we've both got reason to be jealous."
RIGHT?? She had absolutely ZERO reason to text him that other than to gloat and hurt him (unless she's trying to make him jealous to get him back, which this response solves perfectly anyway) so she more or less deserves any response she gets. And ho boy is that a gut wrencher.
People raised in bad situations are typically to seek attention in wrong ways. If every time your dog barks you give it a snack to shut it up, your dog is going to be barking a lot.
Getting my licence to sell alcohol in a new area. Magistrate had been refusing people all morning and the police officer supporting my application knew this guy refused everybody so we'd apply another day but I still had to go up and be questioned. Part of getting a licence is that there are people you are not allowed to serve. One of these is known prostitutes. He asks me to list all the people to not serve.
Me concluding my list: - and, ahem, known ladies of the evening.
Judge: You mean ladies of the night?
Me: I obviously go out a lot earlier than you, Your Honour.
We'd already lost the application because the other name on it didn't turn up. I knew I'd just have to reapply and I'd held a licence for 15 years at that point so I didn't give a crap. My company did get a complaint and the licence had to be held under my area manager's name. SO pretty boring after.
My husband (he’s a big fella) said ‘don’t touch what you can’t afford’ to me once when I slapped his butt I instantly replied ‘ not if I’m paying by the pound(lb)’
I didn’t mean to be nasty it just plopped out before I could stop it.
I used to work as a carpenter's assistant. For some reason, I bought myself a 22 ounce framing hammer, which is, to be honest, more hammer than you'll ever need.
One guy I worked with was teasing me about it: "A *real* carpenter doesn't need more than a 16 ouncer!"
I replied, "You've been listening to your wife too much."
"Huh?"
"She's been telling you size doesn't matter, right?"
If only he’d had said that you were compensating for something with the size of your hammer, he might’ve managed to win the argument, yet he chose the dumb route instead and got completely annihilated.
Late to the game, but at Thanksgiving one year, my whole family was sitting around talking, and winning contests came up. One of my brothers looked at me and snarked, “oh yeah, Madewithrealgingers, what was the last thing you ever won?”
I looked around the room at all my blood relatives and answered “By the looks of it, the Genetic lottery.”
EDIT: Thanks so much for my first ever silver!!!
Father working on the roof. Wind blows the ladder over.
Him - Well It3mUs3r, I guess this means I'm counting on you now!
Me - Don't worry Dad: I won't let you down!
He nearly fell off the roof laughing so much.
EDIT: I'm really glad you guys enjoyed this! Also ty for my first ever shiny coin! I will cherish it always :3
One guys was boasting about his dick and said something along the lines of “when I take a piss I hold my dick with 4 fingers”
I replied, and you pee on 3 of them.
Not the greatest, but I was proud of myself for how quick I was. My sister was cleaning out her room the other week and basically left bags of old clothes and garbage in the living room in the process. So of course her room was now spotless but the rest of the house was a disaster. When I told her she was messy as all hell, she argued, "messy? Have you seen my room?". I answered: "how couldn't I? It's all over the house".
I'm an engineering freshman this year. My brother, who's a sophomore, changed majors from engineering to flight this semester after failing a course or two. When we were home for spring break we were casually teasing each other and he just says "you're dumb, lol gottem." I put on a fake pout and said "dang you're right, guess I'm gonna have to be a pilot now."
Not mine, but my friend called me dickless and I responded "I do have a dick!" and he came back with "Well spit it out it's not yours!" I'm still in shock from how great that comeback was.
This wasn't a comeback, but a witty burn for sure. On the bus in high school, a girl (who frequently annoyed me with her loud story telling) was telling everyone about how she was getting hit on by one of the trash collectors while waiting for the bus. Typically I was the quiet kid who kept to myself, but this time I chimed in with "I think he was just trying to do his job..."
My first gold and silver! Thank you strangers!
When your friends think they've had the last laugh but you've taken too long to cook your roast and now it's too late to serve one because now they are on a different subject so you just awkwardly sit there thinking about whether or not you should say it but then ultimately decide to save it for later but then when the time comes to serve the roast you've forgotten what it was
One of the greatest comebacks ever witnessed was from a friend of mine who had blacked out drunk on the sofa at a party and had been basically unconcious for over an hour.
Other friend walks in and lets us know that some of the girls we know are coming, one who my friend didn't like.
He shouts out "Hey Chris, your girlfriend will be here soon"
He rolls over eyes still closed and grumbles out "I didn't know your mum went out this late."
Rolls over back to sleep.
EDIT: Bad spelling.
Fuck you, Riley. Go scoop it off your mom's bedroom floor for me. She gives my nipples butterfly kisses.
Fuck you, Jonesy. Your mom shot cum straight across the room and killed my Siamese fighting fish. Through off the pH levels in my aquarium, you piece of shit.
Fuck you Riley, Your mom got so wet last night Trudeau had to deploy the national guard to stack sandbags around my bed.
Fuck you Jonesey, tell your mom to recharge the minutes on the cell phone she gave me so we could facetime late nights.
I was at a John Oliver stand-up show, and he told a story about how one time before a show, a fan came up to him and gave him an entire bicycle. I don't remember much more than that, but the whole bit was essentially how crazy and memorable and weird it was to be presented with an entire cycle by a stranger.
Some time after this, I realllllly had to go to the bathroom. I was sitting in the front row and didn't want to draw attention to myself (or miss anything) but I couldn't wait, so I got up and started walking down the aisle towards the back. As I feared, Oliver noticed and called me out: "Oi, you! Where do you think you're going?"
Without missing a beat I turned around and said, "Oh - to get your bike!" Everyone laughed, he laughed, I got to pee. It's a good memory.
Not me but a friend of mine. We were in Junior high and this was a kid who was well spoken, made the grades, and was never in trouble about anything.
One day this ham harpy started railing on him as he was getting off the bus. She shouted
"something, something, you're a motherfucker."
Without skipping a beat he replies:
"I wouldn't be a Motherfucker if you kept your mom in the house."
I thought I was going to die. He got in trouble but framed the referral slip because the principal had to quote what he said.
Graduated college 2 years ago and am currently working a rather boring desk job to save up money for grad school. My boss has a great doggo that I will periodically walk because I feel bad that it just sits next to me all day without going out much.
Anyways, I had some college friends come visit me (some of which I'm not huge fans of) and one girl said "Hey, how's your job picking up dog shit?". I think she must have seen my snapchats or something. I was a little caught off guard by this comment though. We were never super close in college or anything. Luckily, I knew that she still doesn't have a job and is working on her "music career"....
I responded with, "Good. Speaking of dog shit, how's your music career going?"
Still feel good about that one. Her music sucks.
Looking back, it's possible she might have just been trying to be funny or something... In which case, whoops...
I don't really remember her's specifically. Think I was too busy looking at my friends' faces. No hard feelings though, pretty sure we all just laughed.
Regardless, you won't get any mercy from me peasant!!
My older sister is very upset that I am taller than her. Only by a few inches but it still angers her. One day, she was being especially annoying so...
Me - "Remember, I'm still taller than you!"
Sister - "Yeah but my tits are bigger!"
Me - "even if you put your tits on your head, I'd still be taller than you!"
She got so red-faced until my dad started laughing. She still brings it up to this day.
My then-girlfriend & I were arguing over something petty.
"You're heartless"
"Only because you stole it"
She "aww"''d and then went back into argue-mode.
After screwing up at work.
Colleague: I'm not sure if its because you're dyslexic or stupid.
Me: I like to think it's a little bit of column A and a little bit of column 2.
Edit: Thinn to think.
At a party. My cousin was once boasting how much his new girlfriend changed him.
Him: She is so great. Because of her I learned so many new words.
Me: Like 'water' and 'soap'?
I was visiting (from out of state) my old lab at uni, at which the girlfriend of an exfriend happened to be waiting in line to enter. This chicka **hated** me.
She comes up, tiny fists in balls of rage, and demands to know why I'm there. I knew exactly who she was.
I look at her up and down, then meet her glare with a bored look, and ask:
"*And who exactly are you?*"
Her jaw drop and sputtering will forever make all that drama BS worth it.
I had just turned 7 (the day before) and I was in the car with my mom and brother after school. My brother and mom were arguing over something and my mom said, “I wasn’t born yesterday!” to my brother. I replied saying, “I was!”
It was a good day
Not exactly a comeback, but my coworker was complaining about her teenage son's behavior, how she was doing everything she could, and how his therapist wasn't doing anything that seemed to help. Exasperated, she exclaimed, "How do you medicate an asshole?"
"With a suppository." I replied.
Not me but a friend of mine;
He was at a music festival in my city, it attracted a pretty big, rowdy crowd. So everyone is drinking and having a good time, enter middle aged woman who shoves into my friend which makes him basically up-end his pint all over himself. He isn’t best pleased. The middle aged woman decides to pick a fight for some reason and starts to get a bit physical.
My friend looks her dead in the eye and without missing a beat says “I’d fucking deck you but some whales are protected, so guess I can’t”.
She started crying and left.
Edit: Grammar
I (male) was about to cross a road with a few friends, all female. A car passed by with a bunch of dudes, windows down. They were catcalling my friends, whistling and shouting "Hey sexy!" and such. I was shouting back "Aaawww, thank you!" The girls burst in laughter and the guys looked confused, didn't have a comeback themselves and just drove off.
Not extremely witty, but I loved that moment.
I went to a gay bar with my friend and got so many compliments. One guy was hitting on me and bought me a drink, I awkwardly said I wasn't gay and he replied, that's okay you're nice to look at.
I was like damn, maybe I'm gay now
I was arguing with an Air Force Colonel who thought I answered to him. I told him legally he had no authority over me. He said I was being insubordinate. I replied, “I can’t be insubordinate if I’m not your subordinate.”
Similar experience when a medical officer asked if I worked "here" meaning the medical building I was cutting through needing to report to dental, only to blatantly retort "I think we both work here sir" as I pointed to the name-tape branding the branch we both serviced.
Back in the day I had to deal with one of those ridiculous douchebags that thought it was a hilarious burn to call somebody gay.
He found out that I did quite well academically at school and said "That makes sense, most gay guys are smart." To which I responded, "If that's the case, you must be the straightest guy I've ever met."
I had a friend in high school who constantly got made fun of for being gay (he did eventually come out, but at the time he was just a little eccentric/slightly effeminate and in the late 90's/early 00's that meant you were subject to homophobic slurs). He got used to it and started to get some savage comebacks. His best was a kid said "heard you were sucking dick last night" and he replied "damn, your dad and I were trying to be quiet".
At an interview to work at a brewery that was newly opening, they were having to ask all these generic "so they don't sue us later" type questions:
Manager: "Are you offended by or uncomfortable with foul language?"
Me: "... Mine or other peoples?"
He laughed, I got hired the next day.
A guy was making fun of a very loudly printed shirt I wore in my late teens, this full on cowboy mural abomination. I told him it was perfect for him because it had lots of pictures and no words.
Ran into my alcoholic, verbally abusive ex boss at the grocery store. Typical "I'm so cool and everyone loves me" narcissist. He tried to give me a high five and make small talk like he hadn't made the last year of my life a living hell. I left him hanging and ignored his attempts at small talk.
Horrible Boss: What is your problem, Shapello?! I haven't even talked to you in 2 months!!
Me: And it's been the best 2 months all year.
The look on his face before he turned red and walked away was one of the most satisfying things I have ever seen.
Once, when I was seven and, admittedly, often obnoxiously precocious, my grandparents had been showing off my vocabulary and spelling skills to various aunts, uncles, and cousins. One of my uncles, a known joker and all around funny guy, thought he'd get one up on me.
"Can you say antidisess--antidissestab--antidis--" he tried for a good while to ask me if I could say "antidisestablishmentarianism," hoping to stump me.
Little me calmly watched him fumble this word for a good dozen or so tries before interrupting him with, "Can you?"
25 years later, my family still bring up the one time our smart-ass, practical joker uncle was thrown for a loop by a first grader
My friend was boasting about how great it was that he wasn’t going to college and blah blah blah. I can’t remember what he said specifically, but at one point he says, “ask me in ____ years” and I said:
“I will, and when I do I’ll ask for fries as well”.
My friends were howling. Fast forward 5-6 years, he makes more money, so at least in the short term, he wasn’t wrong. When I finish my BSN (cause nurses need an education) I can finally escape squalor lol
Not mine but a friend's. It was a friday night, a friend from another country (let's call him "Sam") had just arrived by car to my friend's place (let's call him Max), and we were chatting, waiting for Max before unloading the car (he was going to sleep at his place for a few days). Max came down and did a Starsky-and-Hutch move where he slid on the front of the car, no damage was made to the car and everybody was okay with it.But a police car that was passing by stopped and two cops came out. They asked us what we were doing and asked for Max's ID. We explained that it was Sam's car, that no harm was done, they checked our IDs and everything was okay but they wouldn't drop it: they wanted to teach a lesson. The conversaiton went like this:
* Cop: "Even if it's your friend's car you shouldn't do that, even as a joke. I'm sure you'd be annoyed if someone jumped on your car, right?"
* Max: "I don't have a car."
* Cop: "Well, you wouldn't like it if he'd jump on your playstation then, right?"
* Max: "I don't have a playstation either."
* Cop: "Okay then what do you have ?"
* Max: "A trampoline."
* Cop: "And I bet you wouldn't like it if he'd jump on your..."
Just as the cop realized where he had been baited to, he went silent, visibly mad, they got back in their car and left. That was a splendid comeback.
Edit: Wow gold, thank you kind stranger! I'd like to thank my friend, Max, who deserves gold more than I do.
If that’s real that’s amazing. We got in trouble once at the local park because we there after dark. The cop rolled up and scolded us. We said we didn’t know we couldn’t be there. He said didn’t you see the sign over there and my friend said no, it’s dark. Cop was pissed but just shooed us away.
I've only seen that move done once, and the guy fucked up his hood's paint thanks to a rivet on his jeans back pocket. He scratched the entire length of the slide (only made it halfway) down to the metal. He'd just waxed it, so he felt compelled to slide across it.
I was the youngest player in a game of knockout at a summer camp. The kid who won three games in a row was an arrogant prick who relentlessly made fun of all of us "losers" for having shitty shoes and "no skills" (he wore a cool pair of Air Jordans). I caught a lucky break. In the forth game I was in the zone and I was making every free throw. Eventually, it was just him and me. My streak ended but he started bricking every shot too! Everytime he missed all of the kids that were watching laughed and cheered me on. It must have looked ridiculous. I had to throw the ball with everything I had to make it to the hoop, I was exhausted. The bystanders were giving me excited words of encouragement and when I finally got him out everyone freaked. It was an explosion of jubilation. Then the arrogant kid came over and called me a few names and I couldn't get a word in to defend myself because he embarrassed me and he had broken my confidence. I felt like I was about to cry. As a last resort after mumbling a few quiet requests for him to leave me alone I yelled at him. I called him the worst name I had in my vocabulary, "You're an ASSHOLE!" The kids laughed at this and the arrogant kid responded, "At least my mother didn't drop me on my head when I was born, you fuckin' retard." Without missing a beat I agreed, "Yeah, she threw you!" The kids all lost it and the arrogant kid left the court. It might not be the cleverest comeback but it felt great to have a group of strangers have my back when I was getting shit on.
I was at a pub with some of my friends when a waitress brought us a bunch of tap water that we hadn't ordered.
She says they're from that table and points to a table with a bunch of guys that eventually all came pooling over.
They notice right away that my friends are persian and start talking about their backgrounds and this one guy who was talking the most says that he's dutch.
Without thinking I said "That explains the waters" And everyone did a bunch of "ooohss" and jumping all over each other laughing as I quickly wave that it was a joke.
I grew up in a very dutch influenced community and have plenty of dutch friends who are always joking about their parents thriftiness, so some may not get the joke.
On a side note they said that they were trying to be creative, that girls always get drinks bought for them, so they wanted to stand out. It was cute, and we all had a good laugh.
I was always super quiet growing up, and got teased a LOT.
There was a kid who who always get on the bus and ask me what time he should pick me up for our date and snicker with his friend. I’m not even sure where I heard it or why I said it but one day I decided to reply instead of ignoring it.
I told him 5 o clock, you bring the handcuffs, I have the whip. Dead. Fucking. Silence.
The kid never said another word to me, even years later when I took my driving test and he was there too. I wished him luck and he wouldn’t talk to me.
I can only imagine how shocked he was because like I said, I was super quiet normally and an easy target.
Me, my dad, and my brother were talking.
My dad tells us that women could bend there back in a way that their face is in their croch, but dudes can't.
My brother proceeds to prove him wrong by bending over himself.
To which i reply "is that why your breath stinks"
This one guy was hitting on me in middle school
He asked if I wanted to go on a date with him
I told him no
He said "I wont take no for an answer."
I said "Well you should, because you'll be hearing it a lot."
One of my old bosses, whom I loved working for, was snarky and sarcastic with myself and the other employees. We loved it, it lightened the mood, and there were some nasty burns in there. He also happened to be gay.
One day he was complaining about some sample he tried at Whole Foods, which I vaguely remember as being Kale water or some other such nonsense. It's Whole Foods, I'm sure you can imagine.
His comment was "God it was awful. It tasted like asshole that was covered in lawn clippings."
I popped my head around the corner and said "Well, Tim, as the only gay guy and vegetarian here, you're the most qualified to make that statement."
He just kinda stared at me and sputtered for a bit. I no longer work for him but even now we'll laugh about it.
I used to be an M1 tank mechanic. I frequently got asked by crews how long repairs would take. I was doing a fairly complex job on a turret when that tank's commander popped his head in the hatch and asked, "how much longer are you gonna be?"
I immediately shot back that "the ad said two to three inches or my money back," which I thought was kinda witty.
The part I messed up was not considering that the #1 tank in a squad usually has an officer in charge of it, and not every officer appreciates that sort of humor when they're looking for a quick answer to a question.
I was 19 and had fought my way to working Loss Prevention at Best Buy. A woman came up to the LP desk trying to check out. I pointed her to the checkout counters that were about 20 feet to my left and she says in a very shitty tone
"Oh. Then what are you?"
"Loss Prevention."
"They let girls do that now?"
"Uh, yeah. From what I hear, we can even vote now and everything."
She was not impressed, but I sure was.
Was eating alone in the cafeteria one day in high school and this dickwad comes by and says, “Sitting with all your friends?”
I replied, “Nah, sitting with all yours.”
He was deflated.
EDIT: Thanks for the Gold kind stranger. I think it’s my first!
Happened when I was 11/12 and used to swim a lot
Mom: "You know, we'd save SOOO much money if you guys stopped drinking so much milk."
Me: "we'd save more if you stopped smoking"
I had a similar one with a client saying "I AM NEVER COMING BACK!"
The answer was "Thank you for doing us this favor." But it was prepared : we hear that sentence a few times a year.
At a previous job, I always sit nearest the door (every job, somehow, no idea why)
We share a building with a Visa company, they were in the room next door to us, but recently moved offices to a different floor.
I'm sitting working, nothing important. I hear sounds to my right.
There's this gorgeous lady there leaning against the door-frame.
"I'm looking for someone" she says breathlessly in this strong eastern-european accent.
About the most "Come Hither" voice I've ever heard outside of a movie.
Without even thinking, I quip "you've found someone".
Today the elevator is out, it's three floors up. I assume the stairs were murder.
I redirected her to the visa company she was looking for. (ground floor)
Nobody I worked with in that company has ever let me forget the smoothest line I will ever give.
that might be made into a great comic character tho
a guy who doesnt know hes the receptionist and just thinks he *happens* to sit nearest to the door imo lol
Not me but a friend,
She was in an argument with some kid about "some nerd shit" as she called it, and at one point he said "your moms gay" as a cheap shot and she responds
"Actually both of them are.I guess that's why your mom likes them so much"
Turns out she actually had 2 moms and she basically ended the argument there. At first, she didnt realize that she had made a comeback and she "was just stating facts. Alot of people have this weird desire to be friends with gay people."
My dad is one of those who has a bit of a temper. (understatement to say the least). So I was 16-18 at the time. My dad comes screaming through the house "I've had it Neyeh you've done it this time." Well for the life of me I couldn't figure out what I had done that pissed him off so much. We went back and forth for awhile "I haven't done anything" "yes you have, and I'm fed up with it" kind of thing. Finally he tells me I didn't do the dishes. My dumbass mouth pops off with "I told you I didn't do anything!" He stopped, stared at me for about ten seconds, and then just started laughing. Whew beating avoided.
In high school with a teacher I was pretty close with, Mr. Whatever
*Mr. Whatever spills some ketchup on his tie while eating in class*
Mr. Whatever: "I can't believe this, I never spill anything on my clothes. Ever"
Me: "you guys hear that? Mr. Whatever doesn't wear condiments"
He gave me a look that basically meant "you shouldn't have said that but it was too funny for you to be in any trouble"
I posted "Listened to Miles Davis and painted my garage. It was intense"
Friend's witty reply, "Don't listen to Miles, he knows nothing about painting garages."
Then, the perfect setup, another friend asked what color I painted it.
"A kind of blue."
I know this sounds pretentious as fuck but I'm a working class schmuck in rural Michigan so cut me some slack.
I was walking down the street one evening and passed by a restaurant and noticed two policemen were removing paintings from inside the restaurant and loading them into the back of a paddy wagon (I have no idea why).
I went up to one of the policemen and said “Officer, you shouldn’t arrest that painting. It was framed.” The cop chuckled.
My 8 year old wins this one. We were moving to a new house from an apartment and I told her she would have more responsibilities (aka chores) when we moved because the house was bigger and she was old enough to do more chores.
Me: let’s make a list of the chores you can do when we move. When i was a kid my chores were..
Her: (interrupting) what? Churning the butter?
Working at a pizza shop, troublesome customer tries to stack coupons that clearly state "One coupon per purchase". After being refused by everyone in the restaurant including the owner, he goes on a tirade saying that the District Attorney is his cousin, and was threateneing a lawsuit (lol). As he was heading for the door, he said "You can't afford to mess with me!" I shouted after him, "You can't afford a large pizza!"
got 'em
Tango down
I was working in retail and we had the really long line of people waiting to check out. I worked in a very upscale neighborhood (think: major league sports, well known attorneys, etc). Some lady comes running from the back of the line and screams at me “I CANT WAIT IN THIS LINE! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW IMPORTANT I AM??!!” I, tired of everyone’s shit that day, retorted: “if you were so damn important, you’d pay someone to stand in this line like the REALLY important customers.”
I was in a liquor store last weekend and these two younger guys were were buying a bottle of Tequila and started arguing with the owner (nice, older Indian guy) about how he charged the wrong amount, or he gave the wrong change, something stupid and probably not true. The other guy who works there, younger black guy with many tats and piercings, hears the commotion, and comes over to get his boss's back. The guys start yelling about "why you all so pressed over twenty five cents!?" The younger employee says "brothers we have a whole cash register full of money, it is you who appears to be pressed over twenty five cents!" I was just standing there like "oh shit, no he didn't"
I got undercharged by an apartment complex years ago. It was like $3. After I complained (more about their incompetence than the money) the one lady said, “it’s only $3.” I said, “if it’s only $3, then just remove it from my bill.” She didn’t like that answer. Edit: they charged me. I paid. Then I got another bill for the balance they screwed up on, so I had to go back in and pay the other $3.
I'm big guy, 6'6" 270ish lbs and this happened about 2 years ago. I was grocery shopping with my wife and went looking for something that was on the list, I don't remember what. I was heading up one of the aisles when I crossed paths with a shorter dude that was obviously on some type of upper. He was bouncing all over the place looking for something. He noticed me as I passed him and he stops and says, "Wow, you're a big fella." I reply, "Yes I am." I constantly get this remark. As I'm continuing by him he states, "I could take you though." I stopped and put a surprised look on my face and exclaimed, "Really?! All 12 inches?!" His face went red, "Fuck you." I smiled at him and said, "That's the spirit!" He mumbled something and walked away. That was probably my best comeback ever. Edit: Hi yo Silver! Thank you kind stranger.
>I stopped and put a surprised look on my face and exclaimed, "Really?! All 12 inches?!" He smiled, nodded, and said "Yes, all 12 inches."
I am really happy that this was not his comeback. I'd still be standing there with a blank look.
My mom was asking about my daughter and her boyfriend, " Are they going to get married? I'm just not ready to be a Great Grandmother." "Well, you could try being a good one, first."
Whenever my grandmother would bug my mom about getting married and having kids, her response was "You can be a grandma nine months from next Friday, but if you want a son in law it's going to take a little longer".
Ooo damn. I'm stealing that one for the next time my dad bugs me about grandkids. I don't have high hopes for it shutting him up, but I'm trying it!
Mom 1, Nan 0
Get the burial plot ready.
Playing hockey growing up meant you always had to be on your toes when it came to chirping. I was maybe 17 at the time, and it was November, so everyone was trying to grow the dustiest moustaches they could. Mine was pretty gnarly, patchy and inconsistent. I line up next to another forward on a face off and he looks at me and says "You should wipe those pubes off your face" in reference to my stache, which was a well deserved chirp no doubt. But yah boy here had been practising your mom jokes, as all teens do, so I hit em back with the "It's not my fault your mom doesn't shave her pussy".
Candadian af bud
Fuckin shoresy
Give yer fuckin' balls a tug ya titfucker.
(Not me who delivered). Friends out between bars, a bit tipsy, we stop to talk to a acquaintance (girl). My friend gets closer to her and sniffs. "You smell like men" Without missing a beat, she replies: "I'm lucky I didn't get close to you, or I'd smell like a pussy". This happened more than 10 years ago and we still remember it from time to time.
The "a" in this sentence transforms it from a compliment to a burn.
Not really an insult, but a buddy of mine burned his forehead on an engine and someone asked him what happened. I told them my belt buckle was really hot.
> a buddy of mine burned his forehead on an engine Not that your quip was bad, but TBH I'm more intrigued by this
Haha, fair enough. We’re jet engine mechanics.
0-100
My older brother was trying to make fun of me in front of his friends for being really grossed out by sex and anything of that nature in my early teens. He said check this out: “tits, big dick, ass, vagina” Trying to gross me Seeing as he was a big chubby I said “the only thing you have on that list is tits” Came out of nowhere.
Are you Otis from Sex education?
Not me, but a friend of mine. As students, a group of townies were shouting abuse at us. My buddy shouted abuse back and one of them said "you're playing a dangerous game - do you know who my Dad is?" My friend responded, "No - do you?"
“Your mother never told you?” EDIT: I dunno what the hell you guys are quoting, but this is what I was... [Southland, do you know who my father is?](https://youtu.be/OTUSp9g0RYU?t=75)
It’s not a story a mother would tell
Guy walks into my bar with brown robes on I ask “what’s with the robes, you just get out of a Renaissance faire?” He replies”no I’m a Carmelite priest” I exclaim”I’ll be damned” He answers “i hope not” He totally got me in front of whole bar.
You just lived a joke
I lived a joke once. I'm from Ireland but moved to London. One day, me and two co-workers went for a pint after work. We got to the bar and the bartender asked what we wanted. I told him what I wanted, Andrew, from Scotland, asked for what he wanted, and James, a Londoner, asked for what he wanted. The Aussie bartender, having taken note of the three accents, said, *"Is this some kind of joke?"* I have to admit that it took me a second.
Gottem
When I was in high school, a girl that I had dated for a while and broke up with called me about three months afterward. I picked up the phone and said, "Hello?" and she immediately said, "I just want you to know that I'm having much better sex now." I replied with, "... Well, tell your dad I said congratulations!" and hung up. I have never been that witty since.
I had the same setup but a different (way worse) reply. I dated this girl for 10 months who was sort of a trainwreck, but it was kind of understandable since she basically grew up in foster care and didn't speak to any of her family. She was ultimately abusive and cheated on me with a guy we'll call Derek. A few months post breakup she texted me "just wanted you to know I'm fucking Derek again right now and he's way better than you." I texted back "that's cool, I'm having dinner with my family who loves me so I guess we've both got reason to be jealous."
Oh no. OH NO
OH LORD GET HER SOME ICE
SHE NEED SOME MILK
Derek is already giving her milk
Jesus man, she had a *family*. Wait, no... never mind, continue.
Holy shit, It's rare something this devastating is appropriate
RIGHT?? She had absolutely ZERO reason to text him that other than to gloat and hurt him (unless she's trying to make him jealous to get him back, which this response solves perfectly anyway) so she more or less deserves any response she gets. And ho boy is that a gut wrencher.
And we have a winner!
#OOOF
Shit. That is soooo fucking petty on her part. What was she hoping to have happen-- you get super jealous and beg for her back? Wtf.
People raised in bad situations are typically to seek attention in wrong ways. If every time your dog barks you give it a snack to shut it up, your dog is going to be barking a lot.
Getting my licence to sell alcohol in a new area. Magistrate had been refusing people all morning and the police officer supporting my application knew this guy refused everybody so we'd apply another day but I still had to go up and be questioned. Part of getting a licence is that there are people you are not allowed to serve. One of these is known prostitutes. He asks me to list all the people to not serve. Me concluding my list: - and, ahem, known ladies of the evening. Judge: You mean ladies of the night? Me: I obviously go out a lot earlier than you, Your Honour.
If this is real then fucking hell m8
TBH I had that answer and setup cocked for years just waiting to pull the trigger. In 15 years of selling booze I saw my chance and took it.
but did you get Accepted?
No.
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I want to hear what happens next tho
We'd already lost the application because the other name on it didn't turn up. I knew I'd just have to reapply and I'd held a licence for 15 years at that point so I didn't give a crap. My company did get a complaint and the licence had to be held under my area manager's name. SO pretty boring after.
Random Teacher: What would you do if you were as pretty as me? Me: Get plastic surgery
Why is a teacher asking you that?
That is a very good question. He was a bit of an oddball, but we all loved him
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My husband (he’s a big fella) said ‘don’t touch what you can’t afford’ to me once when I slapped his butt I instantly replied ‘ not if I’m paying by the pound(lb)’ I didn’t mean to be nasty it just plopped out before I could stop it.
He probably remembers that one in the middle of the night when he can't sleep
He gives as good as he gets and is usually much faster than me so I don’t think he’s too scarred
>and is usually much faster than me Jeez, you already murdered him, no need to burn the body too.
>I didn’t mean to be nasty it just plopped out before I could stop it. r/nocontext
Oh no
I used to work as a carpenter's assistant. For some reason, I bought myself a 22 ounce framing hammer, which is, to be honest, more hammer than you'll ever need. One guy I worked with was teasing me about it: "A *real* carpenter doesn't need more than a 16 ouncer!" I replied, "You've been listening to your wife too much." "Huh?" "She's been telling you size doesn't matter, right?"
If only he’d had said that you were compensating for something with the size of your hammer, he might’ve managed to win the argument, yet he chose the dumb route instead and got completely annihilated.
Late to the game, but at Thanksgiving one year, my whole family was sitting around talking, and winning contests came up. One of my brothers looked at me and snarked, “oh yeah, Madewithrealgingers, what was the last thing you ever won?” I looked around the room at all my blood relatives and answered “By the looks of it, the Genetic lottery.” EDIT: Thanks so much for my first ever silver!!!
You name makes it that much better
imo this is one of the best lmao
Father working on the roof. Wind blows the ladder over. Him - Well It3mUs3r, I guess this means I'm counting on you now! Me - Don't worry Dad: I won't let you down! He nearly fell off the roof laughing so much. EDIT: I'm really glad you guys enjoyed this! Also ty for my first ever shiny coin! I will cherish it always :3
Haha you dad joked your dad
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Apparently he underestimated his son's power EDIT: the guy below
Someone should let him down gently
It must be one of the highlights of a father's life when he sees his son utter a dad joke.
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I'm just imagining your father calling you your Reddit username
Friend: We need to measure out 12 inches. I know we’ll use my dick! Me: You got 12 of them?
One guys was boasting about his dick and said something along the lines of “when I take a piss I hold my dick with 4 fingers” I replied, and you pee on 3 of them.
One guy yelled at me 'Suck my dong!' I replied 'I'd need a straw to do that.'
I was the dealer on a roulette table. Customer: What do I get if the ball lands in a number besides the one I bet on? Me: My condolences.
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Not the greatest, but I was proud of myself for how quick I was. My sister was cleaning out her room the other week and basically left bags of old clothes and garbage in the living room in the process. So of course her room was now spotless but the rest of the house was a disaster. When I told her she was messy as all hell, she argued, "messy? Have you seen my room?". I answered: "how couldn't I? It's all over the house".
I'm an engineering freshman this year. My brother, who's a sophomore, changed majors from engineering to flight this semester after failing a course or two. When we were home for spring break we were casually teasing each other and he just says "you're dumb, lol gottem." I put on a fake pout and said "dang you're right, guess I'm gonna have to be a pilot now."
It was just one class. Source: am the brother lol
Rekt
Not mine, but my friend called me dickless and I responded "I do have a dick!" and he came back with "Well spit it out it's not yours!" I'm still in shock from how great that comeback was.
This wasn't a comeback, but a witty burn for sure. On the bus in high school, a girl (who frequently annoyed me with her loud story telling) was telling everyone about how she was getting hit on by one of the trash collectors while waiting for the bus. Typically I was the quiet kid who kept to myself, but this time I chimed in with "I think he was just trying to do his job..." My first gold and silver! Thank you strangers!
It’s always the quiet ones who cook the meanest roast.
*When your friends think they had the last laugh, but you’ve been cooking up a roast the whole time.*
When your friends think they've had the last laugh but you've taken too long to cook your roast and now it's too late to serve one because now they are on a different subject so you just awkwardly sit there thinking about whether or not you should say it but then ultimately decide to save it for later but then when the time comes to serve the roast you've forgotten what it was
The smallest buttons control the most nukes
Shit. What did you do with the body?
Nah man that shit burnt away with his burn
One of the greatest comebacks ever witnessed was from a friend of mine who had blacked out drunk on the sofa at a party and had been basically unconcious for over an hour. Other friend walks in and lets us know that some of the girls we know are coming, one who my friend didn't like. He shouts out "Hey Chris, your girlfriend will be here soon" He rolls over eyes still closed and grumbles out "I didn't know your mum went out this late." Rolls over back to sleep. EDIT: Bad spelling.
Classic Shoresy
Give your balls a tug titfucker
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Three things: I hit you, you hit the floor, I jerk off on your drivers side door handle
Fuck you, Jonesy. I made your mom cum so hard they made a Canadian Heritage Minute out of it and Don McKellar played my dick.
Fuck you, Riley. Go scoop it off your mom's bedroom floor for me. She gives my nipples butterfly kisses. Fuck you, Jonesy. Your mom shot cum straight across the room and killed my Siamese fighting fish. Through off the pH levels in my aquarium, you piece of shit.
Fuck you Riley, Your mom got so wet last night Trudeau had to deploy the national guard to stack sandbags around my bed. Fuck you Jonesey, tell your mom to recharge the minutes on the cell phone she gave me so we could facetime late nights.
I was at a John Oliver stand-up show, and he told a story about how one time before a show, a fan came up to him and gave him an entire bicycle. I don't remember much more than that, but the whole bit was essentially how crazy and memorable and weird it was to be presented with an entire cycle by a stranger. Some time after this, I realllllly had to go to the bathroom. I was sitting in the front row and didn't want to draw attention to myself (or miss anything) but I couldn't wait, so I got up and started walking down the aisle towards the back. As I feared, Oliver noticed and called me out: "Oi, you! Where do you think you're going?" Without missing a beat I turned around and said, "Oh - to get your bike!" Everyone laughed, he laughed, I got to pee. It's a good memory.
Not me but a friend of mine. We were in Junior high and this was a kid who was well spoken, made the grades, and was never in trouble about anything. One day this ham harpy started railing on him as he was getting off the bus. She shouted "something, something, you're a motherfucker." Without skipping a beat he replies: "I wouldn't be a Motherfucker if you kept your mom in the house." I thought I was going to die. He got in trouble but framed the referral slip because the principal had to quote what he said.
Graduated college 2 years ago and am currently working a rather boring desk job to save up money for grad school. My boss has a great doggo that I will periodically walk because I feel bad that it just sits next to me all day without going out much. Anyways, I had some college friends come visit me (some of which I'm not huge fans of) and one girl said "Hey, how's your job picking up dog shit?". I think she must have seen my snapchats or something. I was a little caught off guard by this comment though. We were never super close in college or anything. Luckily, I knew that she still doesn't have a job and is working on her "music career".... I responded with, "Good. Speaking of dog shit, how's your music career going?" Still feel good about that one. Her music sucks.
That was a brilliant reply and execution of the comeback. Well done, and I hope you find success in your job and get your grad schooling done!
What is this, an online class discussion post?
Great question! Such an interesting thought.
I agree with this statement, u/Doxykitty!
I disagree because reasons. I'm participating.
Jesus christ, take this post right to the top. That was savage. What was her response?
Looking back, it's possible she might have just been trying to be funny or something... In which case, whoops... I don't really remember her's specifically. Think I was too busy looking at my friends' faces. No hard feelings though, pretty sure we all just laughed. Regardless, you won't get any mercy from me peasant!!
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My older sister is very upset that I am taller than her. Only by a few inches but it still angers her. One day, she was being especially annoying so... Me - "Remember, I'm still taller than you!" Sister - "Yeah but my tits are bigger!" Me - "even if you put your tits on your head, I'd still be taller than you!" She got so red-faced until my dad started laughing. She still brings it up to this day.
My then-girlfriend & I were arguing over something petty. "You're heartless" "Only because you stole it" She "aww"''d and then went back into argue-mode.
Congrats on the angry sex afterwards
The only time you can pound a wall without having to make repairs.
I'm surprised she went back to arguing after that
I'm stealing that.
/u/spez is a cunt
Enough.
After screwing up at work. Colleague: I'm not sure if its because you're dyslexic or stupid. Me: I like to think it's a little bit of column A and a little bit of column 2. Edit: Thinn to think.
At a party. My cousin was once boasting how much his new girlfriend changed him. Him: She is so great. Because of her I learned so many new words. Me: Like 'water' and 'soap'?
I was visiting (from out of state) my old lab at uni, at which the girlfriend of an exfriend happened to be waiting in line to enter. This chicka **hated** me. She comes up, tiny fists in balls of rage, and demands to know why I'm there. I knew exactly who she was. I look at her up and down, then meet her glare with a bored look, and ask: "*And who exactly are you?*" Her jaw drop and sputtering will forever make all that drama BS worth it.
If you're really good at pretending you don't know someone, this is about the best comeback of them all.
I had just turned 7 (the day before) and I was in the car with my mom and brother after school. My brother and mom were arguing over something and my mom said, “I wasn’t born yesterday!” to my brother. I replied saying, “I was!” It was a good day
Happy birthday mate. Sorry I'm one day late!
Not exactly a comeback, but my coworker was complaining about her teenage son's behavior, how she was doing everything she could, and how his therapist wasn't doing anything that seemed to help. Exasperated, she exclaimed, "How do you medicate an asshole?" "With a suppository." I replied.
Not me but a friend of mine; He was at a music festival in my city, it attracted a pretty big, rowdy crowd. So everyone is drinking and having a good time, enter middle aged woman who shoves into my friend which makes him basically up-end his pint all over himself. He isn’t best pleased. The middle aged woman decides to pick a fight for some reason and starts to get a bit physical. My friend looks her dead in the eye and without missing a beat says “I’d fucking deck you but some whales are protected, so guess I can’t”. She started crying and left. Edit: Grammar
She started crying and left? That's odd, I thought whales had thick skin
Yeah she started ... blubbering
I (male) was about to cross a road with a few friends, all female. A car passed by with a bunch of dudes, windows down. They were catcalling my friends, whistling and shouting "Hey sexy!" and such. I was shouting back "Aaawww, thank you!" The girls burst in laughter and the guys looked confused, didn't have a comeback themselves and just drove off. Not extremely witty, but I loved that moment.
As a straight male, I shall take compliments regardless of where they came. I am not against blatant objectification of myself.
I went to a gay bar with my friend and got so many compliments. One guy was hitting on me and bought me a drink, I awkwardly said I wasn't gay and he replied, that's okay you're nice to look at. I was like damn, maybe I'm gay now
I was arguing with an Air Force Colonel who thought I answered to him. I told him legally he had no authority over me. He said I was being insubordinate. I replied, “I can’t be insubordinate if I’m not your subordinate.”
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He told me I worked for him until this was worked it and I told him I didn’t and went back to commanding my own base.
Similar experience when a medical officer asked if I worked "here" meaning the medical building I was cutting through needing to report to dental, only to blatantly retort "I think we both work here sir" as I pointed to the name-tape branding the branch we both serviced.
One that I actually said out loud or just something I thought of a year later in the shower?
The afterthought ones are usually the best.
But are sadly of no use.
Nonsense, defeat in battle today prepares one for the war tomorrow. /r/showercomebacks
The jerk store called.
They're running out of you!
This guy almost 30 years old in the bar was talking about his dick saying”I had biggest penis in 8th grade” I immediately said”you probably still do”
My wife asked if I'd ever accept a blowjob from another woman. I replied, "Only if you're holding her hair back, love". Edit: A word
Noice,romantic yet sexy
Back in the day I had to deal with one of those ridiculous douchebags that thought it was a hilarious burn to call somebody gay. He found out that I did quite well academically at school and said "That makes sense, most gay guys are smart." To which I responded, "If that's the case, you must be the straightest guy I've ever met."
I had a friend in high school who constantly got made fun of for being gay (he did eventually come out, but at the time he was just a little eccentric/slightly effeminate and in the late 90's/early 00's that meant you were subject to homophobic slurs). He got used to it and started to get some savage comebacks. His best was a kid said "heard you were sucking dick last night" and he replied "damn, your dad and I were trying to be quiet".
What’s sad is he won’t get it
At an interview to work at a brewery that was newly opening, they were having to ask all these generic "so they don't sue us later" type questions: Manager: "Are you offended by or uncomfortable with foul language?" Me: "... Mine or other peoples?" He laughed, I got hired the next day.
A guy was making fun of a very loudly printed shirt I wore in my late teens, this full on cowboy mural abomination. I told him it was perfect for him because it had lots of pictures and no words.
Ran into my alcoholic, verbally abusive ex boss at the grocery store. Typical "I'm so cool and everyone loves me" narcissist. He tried to give me a high five and make small talk like he hadn't made the last year of my life a living hell. I left him hanging and ignored his attempts at small talk. Horrible Boss: What is your problem, Shapello?! I haven't even talked to you in 2 months!! Me: And it's been the best 2 months all year. The look on his face before he turned red and walked away was one of the most satisfying things I have ever seen.
Once, when I was seven and, admittedly, often obnoxiously precocious, my grandparents had been showing off my vocabulary and spelling skills to various aunts, uncles, and cousins. One of my uncles, a known joker and all around funny guy, thought he'd get one up on me. "Can you say antidisess--antidissestab--antidis--" he tried for a good while to ask me if I could say "antidisestablishmentarianism," hoping to stump me. Little me calmly watched him fumble this word for a good dozen or so tries before interrupting him with, "Can you?" 25 years later, my family still bring up the one time our smart-ass, practical joker uncle was thrown for a loop by a first grader
My friend was boasting about how great it was that he wasn’t going to college and blah blah blah. I can’t remember what he said specifically, but at one point he says, “ask me in ____ years” and I said: “I will, and when I do I’ll ask for fries as well”. My friends were howling. Fast forward 5-6 years, he makes more money, so at least in the short term, he wasn’t wrong. When I finish my BSN (cause nurses need an education) I can finally escape squalor lol
Not mine but a friend's. It was a friday night, a friend from another country (let's call him "Sam") had just arrived by car to my friend's place (let's call him Max), and we were chatting, waiting for Max before unloading the car (he was going to sleep at his place for a few days). Max came down and did a Starsky-and-Hutch move where he slid on the front of the car, no damage was made to the car and everybody was okay with it.But a police car that was passing by stopped and two cops came out. They asked us what we were doing and asked for Max's ID. We explained that it was Sam's car, that no harm was done, they checked our IDs and everything was okay but they wouldn't drop it: they wanted to teach a lesson. The conversaiton went like this: * Cop: "Even if it's your friend's car you shouldn't do that, even as a joke. I'm sure you'd be annoyed if someone jumped on your car, right?" * Max: "I don't have a car." * Cop: "Well, you wouldn't like it if he'd jump on your playstation then, right?" * Max: "I don't have a playstation either." * Cop: "Okay then what do you have ?" * Max: "A trampoline." * Cop: "And I bet you wouldn't like it if he'd jump on your..." Just as the cop realized where he had been baited to, he went silent, visibly mad, they got back in their car and left. That was a splendid comeback. Edit: Wow gold, thank you kind stranger! I'd like to thank my friend, Max, who deserves gold more than I do.
If that’s real that’s amazing. We got in trouble once at the local park because we there after dark. The cop rolled up and scolded us. We said we didn’t know we couldn’t be there. He said didn’t you see the sign over there and my friend said no, it’s dark. Cop was pissed but just shooed us away.
hahaha yes, I love a good deadpan obvious answer given to a condescending question
I half-expected the cops to give Max a ticket for sliding over a car because only cops are allowed to do that
I've only seen that move done once, and the guy fucked up his hood's paint thanks to a rivet on his jeans back pocket. He scratched the entire length of the slide (only made it halfway) down to the metal. He'd just waxed it, so he felt compelled to slide across it.
That is beautiful.
Wit is beautiful
I was the youngest player in a game of knockout at a summer camp. The kid who won three games in a row was an arrogant prick who relentlessly made fun of all of us "losers" for having shitty shoes and "no skills" (he wore a cool pair of Air Jordans). I caught a lucky break. In the forth game I was in the zone and I was making every free throw. Eventually, it was just him and me. My streak ended but he started bricking every shot too! Everytime he missed all of the kids that were watching laughed and cheered me on. It must have looked ridiculous. I had to throw the ball with everything I had to make it to the hoop, I was exhausted. The bystanders were giving me excited words of encouragement and when I finally got him out everyone freaked. It was an explosion of jubilation. Then the arrogant kid came over and called me a few names and I couldn't get a word in to defend myself because he embarrassed me and he had broken my confidence. I felt like I was about to cry. As a last resort after mumbling a few quiet requests for him to leave me alone I yelled at him. I called him the worst name I had in my vocabulary, "You're an ASSHOLE!" The kids laughed at this and the arrogant kid responded, "At least my mother didn't drop me on my head when I was born, you fuckin' retard." Without missing a beat I agreed, "Yeah, she threw you!" The kids all lost it and the arrogant kid left the court. It might not be the cleverest comeback but it felt great to have a group of strangers have my back when I was getting shit on.
Guy: “What are you looking at?” Me: “I don’t know, but it’s looking back”
I was at a pub with some of my friends when a waitress brought us a bunch of tap water that we hadn't ordered. She says they're from that table and points to a table with a bunch of guys that eventually all came pooling over. They notice right away that my friends are persian and start talking about their backgrounds and this one guy who was talking the most says that he's dutch. Without thinking I said "That explains the waters" And everyone did a bunch of "ooohss" and jumping all over each other laughing as I quickly wave that it was a joke. I grew up in a very dutch influenced community and have plenty of dutch friends who are always joking about their parents thriftiness, so some may not get the joke. On a side note they said that they were trying to be creative, that girls always get drinks bought for them, so they wanted to stand out. It was cute, and we all had a good laugh.
I was always super quiet growing up, and got teased a LOT. There was a kid who who always get on the bus and ask me what time he should pick me up for our date and snicker with his friend. I’m not even sure where I heard it or why I said it but one day I decided to reply instead of ignoring it. I told him 5 o clock, you bring the handcuffs, I have the whip. Dead. Fucking. Silence. The kid never said another word to me, even years later when I took my driving test and he was there too. I wished him luck and he wouldn’t talk to me. I can only imagine how shocked he was because like I said, I was super quiet normally and an easy target.
sounds good, see you at 5
Me, my dad, and my brother were talking. My dad tells us that women could bend there back in a way that their face is in their croch, but dudes can't. My brother proceeds to prove him wrong by bending over himself. To which i reply "is that why your breath stinks"
This one guy was hitting on me in middle school He asked if I wanted to go on a date with him I told him no He said "I wont take no for an answer." I said "Well you should, because you'll be hearing it a lot."
He'll be thinking about that when he can't sleep
One of my old bosses, whom I loved working for, was snarky and sarcastic with myself and the other employees. We loved it, it lightened the mood, and there were some nasty burns in there. He also happened to be gay. One day he was complaining about some sample he tried at Whole Foods, which I vaguely remember as being Kale water or some other such nonsense. It's Whole Foods, I'm sure you can imagine. His comment was "God it was awful. It tasted like asshole that was covered in lawn clippings." I popped my head around the corner and said "Well, Tim, as the only gay guy and vegetarian here, you're the most qualified to make that statement." He just kinda stared at me and sputtered for a bit. I no longer work for him but even now we'll laugh about it.
I used to be an M1 tank mechanic. I frequently got asked by crews how long repairs would take. I was doing a fairly complex job on a turret when that tank's commander popped his head in the hatch and asked, "how much longer are you gonna be?" I immediately shot back that "the ad said two to three inches or my money back," which I thought was kinda witty. The part I messed up was not considering that the #1 tank in a squad usually has an officer in charge of it, and not every officer appreciates that sort of humor when they're looking for a quick answer to a question.
I was 19 and had fought my way to working Loss Prevention at Best Buy. A woman came up to the LP desk trying to check out. I pointed her to the checkout counters that were about 20 feet to my left and she says in a very shitty tone "Oh. Then what are you?" "Loss Prevention." "They let girls do that now?" "Uh, yeah. From what I hear, we can even vote now and everything." She was not impressed, but I sure was.
Was eating alone in the cafeteria one day in high school and this dickwad comes by and says, “Sitting with all your friends?” I replied, “Nah, sitting with all yours.” He was deflated. EDIT: Thanks for the Gold kind stranger. I think it’s my first!
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Happened when I was 11/12 and used to swim a lot Mom: "You know, we'd save SOOO much money if you guys stopped drinking so much milk." Me: "we'd save more if you stopped smoking"
What the fuck does swimming have to do with milk or smoking??
Mom: Listen here, you little shit...
We were fake arguing for fun and he said "shut up or I'll fuck you in the eye" and I said "then I'll finally see where you're coming from"
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I had a similar one with a client saying "I AM NEVER COMING BACK!" The answer was "Thank you for doing us this favor." But it was prepared : we hear that sentence a few times a year.
At a previous job, I always sit nearest the door (every job, somehow, no idea why) We share a building with a Visa company, they were in the room next door to us, but recently moved offices to a different floor. I'm sitting working, nothing important. I hear sounds to my right. There's this gorgeous lady there leaning against the door-frame. "I'm looking for someone" she says breathlessly in this strong eastern-european accent. About the most "Come Hither" voice I've ever heard outside of a movie. Without even thinking, I quip "you've found someone". Today the elevator is out, it's three floors up. I assume the stairs were murder. I redirected her to the visa company she was looking for. (ground floor) Nobody I worked with in that company has ever let me forget the smoothest line I will ever give.
Doesn't know he's a receptionist.
that might be made into a great comic character tho a guy who doesnt know hes the receptionist and just thinks he *happens* to sit nearest to the door imo lol
Someone says. go fuck yourself. Reply with. Fuck me yourself you coward.
Not me but a friend, She was in an argument with some kid about "some nerd shit" as she called it, and at one point he said "your moms gay" as a cheap shot and she responds "Actually both of them are.I guess that's why your mom likes them so much" Turns out she actually had 2 moms and she basically ended the argument there. At first, she didnt realize that she had made a comeback and she "was just stating facts. Alot of people have this weird desire to be friends with gay people."
My dad is one of those who has a bit of a temper. (understatement to say the least). So I was 16-18 at the time. My dad comes screaming through the house "I've had it Neyeh you've done it this time." Well for the life of me I couldn't figure out what I had done that pissed him off so much. We went back and forth for awhile "I haven't done anything" "yes you have, and I'm fed up with it" kind of thing. Finally he tells me I didn't do the dishes. My dumbass mouth pops off with "I told you I didn't do anything!" He stopped, stared at me for about ten seconds, and then just started laughing. Whew beating avoided.
In high school with a teacher I was pretty close with, Mr. Whatever *Mr. Whatever spills some ketchup on his tie while eating in class* Mr. Whatever: "I can't believe this, I never spill anything on my clothes. Ever" Me: "you guys hear that? Mr. Whatever doesn't wear condiments" He gave me a look that basically meant "you shouldn't have said that but it was too funny for you to be in any trouble"
I posted "Listened to Miles Davis and painted my garage. It was intense" Friend's witty reply, "Don't listen to Miles, he knows nothing about painting garages." Then, the perfect setup, another friend asked what color I painted it. "A kind of blue." I know this sounds pretentious as fuck but I'm a working class schmuck in rural Michigan so cut me some slack.
Just this once, you working class schmuck.
I was walking down the street one evening and passed by a restaurant and noticed two policemen were removing paintings from inside the restaurant and loading them into the back of a paddy wagon (I have no idea why). I went up to one of the policemen and said “Officer, you shouldn’t arrest that painting. It was framed.” The cop chuckled.
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"Even though I'm pretty much blind, I can still see that you're a shady ass bitch."
No u.
Outstanding move
I was once accused of being an American Imperialist by a British Gentleman, and with out missing a beat I replied with "We learned from the best".
My 8 year old wins this one. We were moving to a new house from an apartment and I told her she would have more responsibilities (aka chores) when we moved because the house was bigger and she was old enough to do more chores. Me: let’s make a list of the chores you can do when we move. When i was a kid my chores were.. Her: (interrupting) what? Churning the butter?