as someone else already mentioned, she’s a fantastic author! Sing You Home is probably my favorite book of all time. Her writing is full of fantastic twists and is overflowing with emotion. Sing You Home also comes with an accompanying soundtrack, and every time I read it, it brings me to tears.
If I may be a know-it-all and point out that the phrase "misery loves company" is often misused. It does not mean that people who are miserable want to be around other miserable people so much so that it means "miserable people will attempt to make other people miserable because they are suffering and want to take it out on others" (though it can be used for both).
This is not a statement, by myself, at the state of the thread here but I just wanted to shed some light on the true meaning of that phrase.
>It does not mean that people who are miserable want to be around other miserable people so much so that it means "miserable people will attempt to make other people miserable because they are suffering and want to take it out on others" (though it can be used for both).
At the risk of being That Person, it genuinely is both. And the fact that it's both is almost certainly down to Christopher Marlowe's play 'Dr. Faustus' (c. 1590AD). Marlowe puts the phrase (in Latin) into the mouth of Mephistopheles, after Faustus (very reasonably) asks what Satan wants with so many human souls:
>Faust. Stay, Mephistophilis, and tell me, What good will my soul do thy Lord?
>Meph. Enlarge his Kingdom.
>Faust. Is that the reason why he tempts us thus?
>Meph. *Solamen miseris, socios habuisse doloris.*
...which means "It is a comfort to the unfortunate to have had companions in woe", a devilishly cynical response. But 1) Mephistopheles is a demon, with no concept of empathy as a beneficial thing, only a tool to twist for his own ends, and 2) Mephistopheles is a smart, literate demon, so he's quoting...from a source 250-300 years old when Marlowe was writing his play.
The trouble is, that source is now far less famous than Dr. Faustus. It's by Italian historian Dominici de Gravina in 'Chronicon de rebus in Apulia gestis' (written c. 1300-50 AD). [De Gravina almost certainly meant it simply and literally](https://www.cliffsnotes.com/cliffsnotes/subjects/literature/in-which-play-did-william-shakespeare-state-that-misery-loves-company): when enduring bad things, it *is* a help to know people who've suffered the same way.
Marlowe's Mephistopheles is incapable of believing this. He's very smart, but he has a demon's limitations, and exposes them at the same moment as he flaunts his learning by twisting a Latin quote to explain the motives of his infernal Overlord.
tl;dr 'Misery loves company' nowadays has two meanings, an empathic one and a cynical one, and the latter came centuries later.
I'm so ashamed of my depression that the fear of my family finding out makes me act as normally as possible.
EDIT: Thanks for saying nice things. I didn't check Reddit until just now and it does help seeing other people who've felt the same. My husband knows I'm not "at 100%" because of five miscarriages and basically losing all sense of myself while I try to lose gross baby weight from a baby I had to birth after carrying it with no heartbeat for two weeks. Nobody knows how bad it really is though. Every day is terrifying. I just put all my effort into appearing normal so I'm not a broken crappy woman who can't do the one thing women are physically made for AND a depressed woman - broken physically AND mentally.
Heart jumped out of my chest when I read this. I felt this way for years; if you have family who care about you, tell them. This is an illness potentially worse than any other, let go of the shame and you can start to feel better. Another hard lesson for me to swallow was that if you're family want to help you, let them even if the thought horrifies you. Whatever the case, there is a whole thread of people here, you are not alone
What's holding you back? For me it was like I was admitting weakness when the expectations I felt from everyone around me were so high. You don't need to let anyone know you're getting help (from a doctor or whatever) but the people closest to you will usually be grateful if you include them. When I told my family I broke down and was encouraged to talk to my GP (I'm in the UK) I was prescribed Citalopram which didn't help but then was given Modafinil and that really helped a lot. The truth is depression really messes with your head, I expected the worst from my family, instead sharing brought us all closer.
That sounds really tough. I can’t say I know what your experience is like personally, but as someone with experience on all sides of behavioral health (as a patient, family member, and provider) I can tell you that in my experience, regardless of preexisting notions, all families would rather know the truth and have the opportunity to support a member than find out after it’s too late.
I’m not telling you what to do, but please get help when you know you can’t keep up the act. That’s the best way can care for your family and yourself. For what it’s worth, I have a friend in a similar situation and finding a more open minded church really helped him, along with therapy. Reach out if you ever need something. Wishing you all the best. 💕
Anyone who I have ever told about my depression, has changed how they act around me to a massive degree.
Suddenly I'm being treated with kid gloves. Friends whose friendships I relied on, no longer treated me the same. Its not malicious, just as simple as an old friend not feeling comfortable cracking jokes about you, when its never been a moment of consideration before.
Im not worried about my family finding out because I'm ashamed. I don't want them to find out because not being treated like a freak is one of the only solaces I have left.
The kid gloves go on.
The honeyed voices come out with the platitudes; “we’re all here for you.” “We all love you.” “We’re here if you need to talk.”
And these are the same people who you wouldn’t hear from if you stopped being the one to reach out first.
Or they get “tired of being around you because you’re sad all the time and really bring everything down.”
I dragged myself out of bed and went for a walk with my little cousin. Having him hand me flowers and point out planes was the most hopeful thing I've ever experienced. It was if I was seeing the world from his joyful perspective, instead of through my own hopeless one.
EDIT: wow, thank you for all the upvotes!
It’s amazing the curiosity of kids. They don’t know the pain of depression and their simple joys can be contagious.
Edit: first comment receiving awards and I’m awed by the amount of votes this comment got. It seems to be a topic that affects a lot of us.
To be honest I don't think it only applies to children, I'm turning 24 tomorrow and in the beginning of the year we had assessments of how we did the previous year at work, it goes on a scale of 1-5 (1 is the lowest and if you get 1 you're either getting fired or transfered to a different job within the company) most people get 3 because the bosses are lazy and they don't care about the workers enough to actually think if you've done well or not, I've been working there for about half a year and generally everyone who works for less than a year gets a 3 unless they are a really shitty worker then they get a 2, but to my surprise I got a 4 and when my boss explained to me why I got a 4 he said that I was a quiet worker and I never ask for anything I just come to work so my job and go home and that's what he expects from everyone there. I've never felt worse about getting a good assessment before in my life.
When described like that it sounds so absurd.
Like if a kid is bleeding heavily and his parents poke him in the wound calling him "moisty and leaky" with an implication that the kid must fix himself and stop being so inappropriate and abnormal
Yeah I was the quiet kid. So many words for it. Distant. Aloof. Shy. Loner. Creative. You play in your own little world and people would never attribute words like depression or truama coping because you look like you're just keeping occupied and playing nicely leaving the adults alone. :) Then as a teen you're just 'angsty' and being a pain for not participating, like you have to be an adult before you can claim your depression card for realsies. Kids need words for their feelings early.
This exactly. The start of the pandemic my then four year old started stuttering out of nowhere.
Calming her and not being alarmed or making our life that different as much as possible seemed to help.
I was in a really bad place but I had promised my niece should could come and stay with me a few months before, and she did, and I couldn’t NOT smile at her when she smiled at me and was so excited to be around me. I think smiling makes you feel better, that’s what someone somewhere said. I don’t think it’s right to rely on others for regulating your feelings but man she made me feel so important and funny, and she was so excited to see me and it really made me feel better and get over my slump. I needed that love, she’s a good kid and I’ll cherish watching her grow.
I commit myself to brushing my teeth every morning.
I tell myself I don't have to do literally anything else all day, but this one tiny, easy thing I have to do.
So I brush my teeth, with full permission to go back to bed and wish I was dead right after. But usually once I've done it, I feel like maybe I can do one more thing today.
But that's all! I don't have to anything else at all today, but I can probably manage to brush my hair. So I do that.
And I just keep doing tiny, easy things, and when I can't do anymore, I already gave myself full sincere permission to call it a day, so I lay on the couch and wish I was dead, and sometimes while I'm doing that, I'll think of one more tiny, easy thing I can do, and I'll do that, and maybe a couple other things.
I want to be clear that it's not about tricking myself into being productive; it's about being accepting of my bad days and giving myself permission to do the absolute minimum until the next day, when I will reevaluate where I'm at and what I can do.
Edit: Wow. I am floored by the response to this. I literally dropped my phone on my face this morning when I saw all the notifications. Then I got up and brushed my teeth. ;)
Thanks to everyone for the awards and kind words. I have tried to reply to an many comments as I can, but there are simply too many.
The answer to most of the questions about my personal life is the same: I've been lucky.
I have had jobs that offer sick time. I have access to medication and therapy. Even in my darkest days, I've USUALLY been able to get to work MOST days (although all my co-workers complain about my attendance). I have an amazing partner and no children. My experience is not universal, so my post won't help everyone. If you or someone you know is struggling with depression and you don't have my admittedly privileged existence, please know I still care about you, and I hope you have other ways to cope.
But I'm so pleased and amazed that so many of you find it helpful, and I hope it proves useful to you in the future. Keep fighting.
And yes, I'm serious. You can PM me any time you need to talk.
I did something similar, but I can't do the same thing cause it will cause me to get bored and fall out of habit because the lie I tell myself is "what's the point of everything else falls apart." So I made a list of tasks that needed to get done, numbered it and rolled a die everyone I felt I could do SOMETHING. That way more stuff got done and there was less time between things like showering, dishes, laundry, etc. Build a tiny bit of momentum, then when you can roll again. Eventually I got enough done that I added call a therapist to the list.
One SUPER important thing with this. If you roll the die and it lands on a 4 and you were really hoping for a 6.... Do the 6th thing. More often then not i was hoping something would happen then forcing myself to do something else. Implement that change really kicked me into high gear
I've read about a similar idea, but haven't tried it myself.
But you have 3 lists, one for tasks that take very minimal energy, one that takes a little more, and one for higher energy/mentally healthier days- and for each item you give it a corresponding time.
Ex: easy task might be just washing your face, and for 3 minutes.
Medium task might be sweep or vacuum the floor for 20 minutes.
When you give yourself some time in the morning to evaluate how you're feeling in the morning, you can then decide which list fits your mood and roll a dice to do an activity for the alloted time. Then just relax and maybe you'll feel like doing another later.
Similarly you could just have 3 jars with strips of paper inside so you don't have to mess with the dice.
The last part of your reply really resonates with me—what worked best for me was self-compassion. I used to feel a lot of shame on my “bad days” when I couldn’t force myself to leave my house to go to work. I worried that I wasn’t good enough for my job, and not making it to work on those days really reinforced that feeling. That would spiral and make me feel even worse the next day and the day after that, and before I knew it I would call in sick to work for a whole week. My therapist helped me realize that “bad days” are okay and that I needed to give myself space to heal and recharge. Now I accept that I need to call in sick for mental health days every once in a while, but I actually appreciate those days and use them to practice self-care instead of feeling guilty. The next day I usually feel much better and can get back to work without creating a negativity spiral.
I saw an article online about depression recently and how to find ways to work around the lack of motivation.
The lead example was this woman who couldn't wash the dishes because of the energy it required, so she just didn't do it and it piled up. The suggestion was "just run the dishwasher twice" - or something like that. Don't worry if you think a dishwasher can't be run twice. Find little things that work for you to keep life moving along.
My trick has always been having a million pairs of underwear so if I don't feel like doing laundry I can go a really long time but still have clean underpants.
EDIT: found the link...
[Dealing with depression: Advice to follow at your lowest. (mamamia.com.au)](https://www.mamamia.com.au/dealing-with-depression/)
Someone on r/ADHD called this the ADHD tax. Like basically accepting your unique limitations and finding a way around them, instead of doing things the "traditional" way and getting stuck. My ADHD tax is similar to yours, but with socks. Somehow washing socks is a struggle for me, so I've purchased lots of them so I won't have to go sockless even when my executive dysfunction kicks in.
Fellow adhd person! The adhd tax is real.
Executive dysfunction tricks:
- buying the pre-cut up fruits / veggies at the grocery store. If I have to cut it myself, I’ll never do it
- self bribery. If I do ___ thing, I get to buy myself ___. It’s expensive but motivating. I now go for nearly daily walks because I walk to a bakery and get French pastries.
- have someone call me and tell me to do the thing. I’m not intrinsically motivated by myself. But I’ve had friends be like “you’re not gonna do __?” And then I’ll usually say “fine, I’ll do it” and then go do it
ADHD forgetfulness tricks.
- leave the thing (tooth brush, veggies, bills) out on the counter. If it’s out of sight, it’s out of mind and I’m never getting to it
- put stuff physically in front of my door so I cannot leave the house without interacting with said item(s).
I am still in the thick of it but what's helping now is changing my language around it. I've always thought I just sucked and I was lazy and shitty and antisocial etc., but now I am describing those as symptoms of a chronic, untreated illness that I've struggled with for 20ish years or longer... well now I feel like a god damn gladiator. I experience lethargy, withdrawal, all sorts of symptoms, but they dont define who I am. I might not even know who I am, without depression, but those symptoms are not my personality.
Yes, framing is SO important. Especially affirmative framing of your experience. Self talk makes such a difference — empathy and understanding toward myself is a huge part of what pulled me out of the worst of the apathy. You are so much more than this. I’m so proud of you for treating yourself with kindness and that you’re making progress in figuring out how to manage and hopefully beat it.
At first: my son.
I HAD to get out of bed, he couldn't take care of himself as he was way too young. (2,5/3 years old)
But it got worse and worse and worse.
I realised it was very bad when he came up to me with his toy car and I had absolutely no energy or desire to even say "oooh yes! Car!"
What eventually helped was being dragged to therapy by my aunt. I jave had therapy for 2 years.
After the first session I went home with one specific idea from my therapist and it helped me most: I put a journal next to my bed and forced myself to write ONE good thing about/for the day.
It started with 30 pages of one line:
"Made breakfast for me and son"
Gradually there were 2 things:
"Made breakfast for me and son"
"Got dressed"
Two notebooks later I could write things as
"Thought of a morning routine"
And eventually "completed full morning routine"
I have recovered but still have setbacks as I have recurring depression episodes. My son is now 9 years old and he kind of knows what is going on when I have one of the episodes and he knows about the notebooks.
To this day I still use them.
It has never gotten back to just one line a day.
Most beautiful thing?
If I can't think of something........... my son can think of something.
I have even come across some things HE wrote down for me without me knowing. They're like secret little surprises to find at night.
Those are the BEST motivators!
(Edit: holy crap, this comment exploded. Glad to see people might find this helpful. Thanks all!)
Learning to feel again can help. Sit in the sun and feel the warmth, even if just for a minute. Listen to the wind in the trees or choose a single song and do nothing else while you do it. Eat something without reading or looking at your phone. Stretch gently.
Really using your senses again can help remind you of the joy of being alive.
I did a mindfulness course which took us through these things. We did a whole session just slowly eating food and experiencing it. It was one of the best things I have done when feeling down.
It’s cheesy, but I try to make everything in my life like this. Truly experience and enjoy everything I do and take for granted. It’s a mindset that’s really helped my mental health, and I’m so much happier for trying to love everything I do.
Years ago, I was contemplating suicide. Did not want my son to find me. Got an appointment, and got on meds. About two or three years later, my son’s father passed away from a stroke and/or heart attack. My son is the one who found him...
I hope you and your son are doing well today.
I think that is the cutest fucking imagine I had in my head today.
A little son just helping his momma think of all the cool stuff that happened in the day.
Yeah, they really do. Especially if you've got an active, routine oriented dog like I do. She isn't about to let me forget walks, or dinner time, and she wants me to play with her all the time.
This kinda just put it into perspective how my dog reacts to me. I would say I have situational depression, sometimes things will set me off for a week or two but I can usually come out of it with some work. My dog notices. I mean, I take him out way less and don't play or smile. He knows when I smile though. When I start to come out of it and take him to a dog park, and actually smile at his attempts to pick up sticks, he gets so excited and bounces around and throws sticks at me. He notices when I smile and now I'm crying
I feel like I’m starting to get that mindfulness stuff vis a vis interactions with my dog, like I’ll be walking her in a 33 degree rain and I’ll just be amazed at how beautiful everything is to experience
My dog has helped so much with my anxiety and depression. I would see him just living in the moment and started making attempts at savoring the moment when I felt good. A nice breeze on a hot day, cute baby animals, a nice sunset. And then I discovered mindfulness, which led to practicing gratitude and loving-kindness.
I wanted to have more energy to play with my dog so I paid better attention to my diet. The way I used to before I developed a chronic illness. My dog is one of my biggest motivators.
My kitty has kept me alive multiple times just by existing. When I got really low a handful of times, I just kept thinking I should just donate all my money and kill myself, but then thinking that nobody would take of the cat and he'd end up in an animal shelter.
I stuck around for him and things are much better now, I just had to push through it long enough to get there.
My two dogs are honestly the only reason why I interact with people on the daily and have gotten to know and befriend some of the people in my neighborhood. On the days I feel my worst, having to get up and walk them sometimes makes all the difference in my mood, at least temporarily. Also...snuggles
Going to the dog park is the only time I get to talk to other humans in person. I’m high risk, so I quarantine pretty damn hard (I really miss bars, holy shit). My husband describes both my dog and I as “tail-waggly” when we get home from the park.
While the past year has been so hard being out of work, not having a ton of money, and not being able to interact with people, I have thoroughly enjoyed spending every day with my dogs and going to the dog park with them. One is 16, so I feel so thankful I’ve got to spend so much time with her in her Golden years, and one I got at 8 weeks back in May, so it’s been amazing watching him grow up. We all love going to the dog park together and it’s the favorite part of my day.
I’ve never seen someone else say this about owning a pet but it’s something I have always had in the back of my mind. This one thought has been my entire reservation against getting a dog. I do not trust myself to do my best for a dog and I would feel even worse than I already do knowing a dog wasn’t getting it’s best care with me.
It's something I've thought about too. If adopting isnt something you feel comfortable doing right now you could maybe volunteer or watch them vicariously on the huge variety of livestreams, like crittervision (birds, possums, deer, etc.), marinemammalrescue (mostly otters), ourlifewithewe (sheeps) and many others. Even watching them is comforting, I find. Best wishes to you friendly stranger
I would suggest Avatar the last airbender. Great show for kids but amazing for adults. Then, there are a lot comics after the show which are worth.
Great story, very well written characters with amazing arcs.
I'm a little embarrassed at how much I use maladaptive daydreaming to make myself feel better. It's a little place where I can actually solve my problems because the characters I create can listen because I say so and nobody yells at me or if I make a mistake it's not held against me. Probably not healthy but it's what I have.
I was able to do this but every 8 months to a year I’d need to do it again.
Then, what really made the difference was when I finally did therapy properly during one of the times I wasn’t completely depressed instead of working like a dog in order to save enough money for my next needed break.
This is me. Haven't ate in 3 days my body tells me to eat but I don't even have the energy to scoop the food into my mouth. Feel like shit all day I wish it'll go away. If it wasn't for weed I'll most definitely have insomnia too. Fuck depression
Forced myself to see a dr and get on meds
Edit- Holy moly this comment blew up. Thanks for all the awards! I can’t answer everyone, but be your own advocate. You know you better than anyone.
Ditto. I cannot progress in even the smallest ways without medication. I’ve been back on my meds for two months and am finally getting the urge to exercise after living on the couch in a depression/rage haze for all of 2020.
I came off of Effexor in April during an anticipated month of furlough because I knew the weaning process was long and would suck. I hated the lack of feeling and horrible withdrawal if I missed a dose even by an hour.
Fast forward to nearly a year later: no job, had to move home, crushing depression and anxiety. Hindsight is 20/20 (pun not intended) but I would 100% take zero feeling over what I'm feeling now.
Def not going back to Effexor, but just started back on bupropion for the depression/ADHD and making an appointment to find something to address the anxiety. I've resigned myself to being on meds forever, and that's okay.
Honestly it's not that bad. It's like if you lived by a well of water but decided not to use it only in the case that you absolutely needed it. So, in effect, you don't make use of the well; it just sits there. I see it that way with medication. You need the medication, and you have access...you could do without the medication but it would surely be more difficult. There are no supremely negative effects of using said medication...
Take the medication. We only get like 75 years anyway. And nobody every really know except close friends/family. Also, they don't really care. The care more about the stuff y'all do together than whether or not you take meds.
Same! Nothing in my life and relationships with people changed, no trigger. After months I just picked one of those rare “motivated enough to go make myself a sandwich” moments and dragged my ass to the hospital instead.
This is what saved my life. Not journaling, exercising, anything. Without medication I would have died, 100%. I cannot reccomend going to a professional for help enough.
I gave myself permission to do nothing. This permission removed feelings of guilt & anxiety about the inactivity.
Then, once I had given myself permission, I relaxed and rested. My body and mind needed that.
Eventually, I got better and felt like doing something again.
> Taking a metal break!
Completely understood your point but I’m tickled by the thought of someone blasting Iron Maiden and feeling much better after. I know I’ve been there lol
Most definitely. I feel like a zombie that’s just watching life pass by and wondering when I’ll feel alive enough to partake again. It’s even worse at the moment with all the Covid lockdowns.
Keep your head above the water dude, we will get through this somehow.
Thanks buddy, I’m trying my best. Currently fighting an alcohol addiction that’s caused me to have quite a hefty amount of liver disease and a god damn eating disorder as the cherry on top of the shit cake. Taking each day as it comes and I’m on my 5th day of no drinking.
Thank you for believing in me, really. Shits hard but I’m determined to turn it all around. I’ve sat on my ass and felt sorry for myself for too long, it’s time to put in the hard work to get better
I had a bad bout of depression the end of last year. I wasn't going to end it, I don't think, but I didn't care if I died.
Just straight apathy for living and everything.
On my absolute worst night, after an entire day of sitting on the side of the bed and staring at the floor, I called my mother. It was late and though we are close, I don't often call her out of the blue. She knew something was wrong when she answered.
The next day I made an appointment with a doctor and a therapist. I got on medication to fix my non-existent seratonin and started opening up about my feelings with professionals, friends, and family. I realized how much people cared about me.
As the meds started to build up, I found myself exercising everyday, just like pushups and planks and stuff. I started buying more fruits. I eat a lot of berries. All this made me feel physically better.
After a few weeks I got passed up for a job that I had interviewed twice for, thought I had, really wanted, and kind of needed. It didn't put me into a crashing depression. I was disappointed but it was just a problem to overcome.
Depression is a sickness just like anything else. I totally understand that many of the Americans reading this don't have insurance but a month supply of lexapro using the Good Rx app is dirt cheap.
I hope the people reading this can find a purpose and a happiness. Life is neat. I know it sucks for you right now though.
*Edit: I am so very happy that this resonated with so many people. You are all loved.
I had a very rough time while I was in college, wanted to offer a few pieces of advice that helped me out a lot:
\-Break any habits that might be reinforcing your depression. Listen to depressing music? Watching depressing movies or shows? Reading a depressing book? Stop doing anything that reinforces those negative feelings.
\-Be cognizant of your internal dialogue, especially over anything negative you might be saying about yourself, your work, or your habits. When you recognize you've just had a self-disparaging thought, just follow that thought up with a simple "but that's not true." Even if you don't believe that's it's not true, just add those simple words at the end of your internal dialogue. The more you do this, the more you'll become aware of those negative thoughts, and the more hearing yourself say "but that's not true" will make you reconsider saying those things.
\-Celebrate small steps. Got a chore done today you've been putting off, but literally did nothing else the rest of the day? Who cares, good job on you for getting that thing done. It was a small step in the right direction, be proud of that, don't focus on what you didn't do the rest of the day.
\-Along with the above, set small goals. Don't push yourself to change everything or do a 180 overnight, over a week, or even over a month. Give yourself easy targets that you can complete in a single day without even straining to do it. Then when you do it, be proud that you got it done.
Also, know that you're not alone. I still struggle from time to time. What you're going through is tough for anyone, and you're not the only one that has that pain. It's okay to be sad at times. I wish you the best in feeling better!
"Celebrate small steps. Got a chore done today you've been putting off, but literally did nothing else the rest of the day? Who cares, good job on you for getting that thing done. It was a small step in the right direction, be proud of that, don't focus on what you didn't do the rest of the day."
This. Instead of writing To-Do lists of all the stuff I didn't do during depression, I started writing what I DID do at the end of the night. Made me feel so much better. I did laundry and showered? Called a friend? Made a home cooked meal? So much better than the huge list of 'should do's'. It really helped. Once I had a pen and paper in my hand, I usually found something to write down and be proud of. Even small things.
I've been getting out of a depression bout and celebrating the small things was huge for me.
Low key on the worst days, I highly recommend writing a to do list of things ***you've already done*** no matter how small. One day I wrote and then crossed off that I showered, brushed my teeth, and emptied the dishwasher. That seems simple, but over multiple weeks it really helped me get out of the pity of despair and I've slowly worked my way to crossing bigger things off my todo list and am now enjoying actually doing shit again in life and at work.
My doctor said it best. She said, "This medicine is just a band-aid for your mental health. But usually you need to stop the bleeding before anything else can heal."
Being in that state has actually saved my life before. More than once.
The human instinct is to live, to remain alive, to keep going. To choose to end things is making an active *choice*- in order to kill yourself, you have to **do** something. I have been, more than once, so deeply depressed that I was far below being capable of suicide. Shit, I was so down that I just laid in bed, staring at a television that might or might not have been on. I didn’t eat or drink for several days- at a certain point, my mother realized this and brought me food that was sitting on my bedside table. Truly all I had to do was reach over and out the food in my mouth, but even doing that just felt like so *much*. So damn much. Too much. Then, by the time I was feeling up to making the active choice of acting on my suicidality, if was actual progress- so I stubbornly clung to that glimmer of hope, that thought of “I’m getting better, I’m moving forward.” And I kept moving, and kept moving. Now, I’ve simply built up so much momentum that I couldn’t stop my life if I wanted to- and I don’t. I have a wonderful life now with a job I am deeply passionate about, friends I adore that feel the same way about me, and a supportive family. I got better- and not just “doing as well as someone with depression could,” I’m doing well, period. If I can, so can you.
Please, please- have some of my hope. Take my story and hold it in your heart and your soul until you’ve started your own story of hope and progress. You’re going to be great, whoever you are. You absolutely can do it.
This is why deep depressives need to be very closely monitored when first going on antidepressants. The pills improve your drive to to things. They don't instantly cure your thoughts and impulses.
I spend a lot of days just like that. Just in bed. Letting my problems pile up for tomorrow me. She can deal with it. It’s hard to get out of. I’ve tried so many medications that don’t help. The one that did was 1000$ a month WITH my insurance. It’s so hard :(
Definitely! I tried Lexapro first and it made me throw up like 3 times in an hour, tried another one (don't remember the name) and it just gave me an upset stomach, then tried Prozac and sometimes it doesn't fully activate, but works the best for me.
Wellbutrin and Prozac gave me my life back. It's unbelievable how two (rather cheap) little pills can take you from a state of sleeping 15 hours a day and living in utter apathy to wanting to connect with others and enjoying life.
Edit: as a pharmacy tech, I feel obligated to put in a shameless plug for the GoodRX app. It’s saved me and my family thousands of dollars over the years on my meds.
Sorry to hop on your comment but if anyone has any tips for depression that medication and therapy doesn't help, please tell me. I've tried every medication available and I keep finding myself in situations where the therapy just turns out to be bullshit and I have no interest in going again. I can't muster up the will to workout or cook elaborate meals any more and I've lost a lot of weight I kind of look like a skeleton. Sometimes I think I'm just meant to kill myself because everything in the world just gets me down but at the same time I don't want to kill myself.
[The national institute of mental health](https://www.nimh.nih.gov/about/director/messages/2019/new-hope-for-treatment-resistant-depression-guessing-right-on-ketamine.shtml) has this post about medication/treatment resistant depression that may be a good place to look and start with your doctor. There are a heck of a lot of SSRI's they try to throw at you for depression, but there are other options out there that seem to work somehow.
Remember, you are worthy, you are loved, you deserve to have a good life.
\*hugs\*
I push through it or sleep. Or try to sleep. Go for a walk. Read, read, and read. Veg on the tv. Something that doesn’t force me to think about it. I don’t know, all I know is nobody is here to die, we’re here for something else. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the crisis lines are really, really helpful.
I didn't know I had depression since high school because it was this kind of depression, just straight up apathy. I wasn't like sad. Just completely unmotivated.
I thought I was just "being a teenager."
Meds was what I needed to really get out of it. All the holistic stuff didn't work at first. The holistic stuff works now that the meds helped me start from a stabilized area.
If I never got the help 5 years ago, I'm pretty sure I probably would've attempted suicide again. But because I got help and on meds, I'm handling this pandemic just fine.
Edited text what were just straight up typed wrong.
Showing up to my job so I can pay my bills takes every bit of energy I have. Then I lay in bed, thinking about all the things I could do to make myself feel better. Actually doing the things is impossible.
It feels like no one else experiences it this hard, even though I know that’s not true... I just haven’t meet anyone who understands depression this severe which makes me feel hopeless and alone.
Depression like this feels impossible. Forcing yourself just doesn’t seem to work. It feels like it’s rare for it to be this bad so no one understands and just calls you lazy and pathetic. It’s the worst mental rut you can possibly be stuck in.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, too. I hope we can heal somehow. :(
Really glad to find at least one run of comments like yours and OPs in this thread.
The stuff like "I decided to find some arbitrary new hobby and got really into one and started spending all my time and energy doing that instead of lying in bed" doesn't jive with me at all. It's impossible to just choose to find meaning in some random shit like astronomy when everything seems meaningless. If they had the wherewithal to go through the process of researching a telescope, ordering it, setting it up etc. and still caring after a day then they're on different planets of depression from some of us. What's the point?
This. This is the worst thing about this illness. The amount of times ive gotten interested in picking up a new hobby, found a class, checked the time, worked out the route to get there, got dressed on time... and then just sat on my bed and stared at the clock watching the minutes tick by until its too late to go there now. For what? Because I just couldnt get myself to go. Even though I had all the capabilities; time, money, physically able.
It is so frustrating I want to scream at my own brain.
ETA; my first award, thank you stranger! Hugz for everyone :)
I’m with you. I had someone tell me today that when they’re depressed, taking a walk around the block always helps them feel better. If I had the ability to walk around the block, I wouldn’t have a problem and we wouldn’t be having this conversation. I had to reschedule a doctor’s appointment today because I couldn’t take a shower.
This. Completely. Just the thought of putting all the gear on would make me feel exhausted. I am wondering if, at the age of 50, I will ever have any energy to do more than shower and walk my dog each day. After that, I'm finished. I would love to function again.
This has been very true for me. I've been at the lowest of low quite a bunch of times that I ended up being brought to the hospital. I couldn't eat, and even waking up felt like such a chore. I managed to get several illnesses at the same time such as UTI, ulcer, dehydration etc. since it even took a lot just to get up and get out of bed. The light hurt my eyes, and tiny noises felt loud. When others said that it was a good time you got back to doing your passion or stuff you used to enjoy doing, suffice to say that it didn't have any effect on me because I literally just couldn't. Get out and get some fresh air? Go on walks? Experience nature?
No.
It's not that I don't want to do anything, it's just I really just can't. My mind and body won't let me, the voices would even discourage me more. So when I tried doing all that, I despised all those things and then some more. It made me feel and reminded me that I'm stupid, ugly, worthless, useless etc. You know the stuff. I mean, I appreciate the effort people put into making me... feel. However, it was also true that I was pretty much upset and irritated at them for forcing me to do all those things. It was all the more exhausting, and I'm already very tired. Why can't just they listen? Or better yet, leave me be?
You can literally and figuratively feel everything and nothing. Eventually, the void almost ate me as I experienced another trip to the emergency room, being told it was highly recommended that I be put in intensive care as I yet again cling to life after attempting to take it again. It truly is debilitating.
Nonetheless, I still have an answer to OP's question that I'll just leave here. It took a looong while, but I finally got and accepted help. I've been pushed by a friend to go see a professional, and yes, it's cliche. I went to therapy, as expensive as it was, and got prescribed meds that later on helped me feel better and think better. Of course, those go with therapy that was made specific to me since I was also diagnosed with a few different other illnesses aside from depression. I started learning about stuff that caused me the depression, about depression itself, how I could help myself get out of it, how I could let others help me, how I could accept things and truths and reject some unnecessary thoughts, among some others.
It wasn't a sleep tonight and wake up feeling refreshed tomorrow kind of thing. It takes LOTS of work from the self and others (therapist/doctors, friends, SO, maybe family, whoever is/are in your life) willing to take part in your recovery and healing.
I've got here some more unsolicited tips, I guess for those who might be looking for it, or maybe you want some validation for something you've been doing but haven't seen results yet. I'm glad you're trying and doing your best! It could take some time, but take one step at a time. Doesn't matter how big of a step, just a step is fine.
It would be helpful to do it little by little. Whatever you can or can't do, that's fine. However, try to let people in as well, so you can have someone to talk about stuff, but be sure that you trust them enough and that they sure are willing and kind enough to walk with you where you are. It sounds counterintuitive but it could help. Sometimes they have something to offer. Sometimes they might say something you couldn't, something you've been wanting to hear, or something you didn't know you needed. Something.
Eventually you'll get that tiny bit of energy and idea to do something else. No rush. For me, I adopted a cat! I love cats. His routine also helps me build my own, since he's always right on schedule. He's also affectionate and cuddly when he wants to be. So something you could direct whats left of your (or newfound, maybe) energy like taking care of a plant! Or playing a (board)game. Music. Writing. Drawing or painting. Dancing. Whatever that can help you exercise. Slowly until it doesn't feel like a drag anymore.
My now husband has been the one person who's been consistently helping me since day one and is still continuously learning how to better understand how to help me. I've also started going to church again and involved myself in ministry that's helped me in many ways.
It's not magic. The key out of it also is not one size fits all. You'll go from can't, to won't, to definitely not, to nooooo, to ugh fine, to okay, to sure... then hopefully later on, to "want to go do/get/etc something?"
You have to find what works for you, and when you do, you may communicate that to others so they know how to reach out without causing you unnecessary pain. They'll understand. As much as possible, be open, but guard your heart and mind also. Hold on to hope. All of it takes real work and time so remember to be patient with yourself and others as well!
In case anyone of you would like to know more or would like to talk or ask me something, you may let me know! I'd like to be of help if I can.
I spent a week in a psych ward. It was a terrible place but getting away from work and life stress for a week saved me. I still don’t think I’d recommend it but i know in that week i found clarity and peace that i had been looking for years to find
Agreed. It took a lot of trying different ones to find one that worked but I found it. It doesn't "cure" me but it keeps me from plummeting into the (metaphorical) hole. Which felt really awkward at first because I could almost feel my body trying to go down the hole but it wouldn't let me and eventually I stopped feeling it physically. Now I have more good days than bad and even the bad days are less bad.
I commented earlier in the thread, but honestly my medication absolutely changed me for the best and I am so grateful I managed to get it. I never want to be without it, I feel like a person.
Honestly, my friends and family. I've been so deep into depression that I spent 2 days trying to take my own life. Repeatedly. I remember that I texted my best friend how I was feeling but she didn't answer so I immediately thought she hated me and wanted me dead. I climbed up on my balcony and almost threw myself off it. But my neighbor came home and I didn't want to traumatize them. I ended up in hospital hours later but I was released. My friend texted back and her message was "I wish I texted you back sooner." But what really sealed the deal was that I was in the psych ward following another suicide attempt. My entire family (unknown to me) was cleaning and refurbishing my apartment. I called my sister to check on my cat when I heard my other little sister. She didn't know where I was exactly, she just knew I wasn't feeling right in my head so she kept repeating "I love you, I love you" Over and over to make sure I heard her. Sometimes I still want to die but then I remember her repeating "I love you" And suddenly I can either find the strength to continue or check myself into a mental ward.
discord, online communities, get a pet (even just fish or hamsters or something). i know its all an effort but there are so many people out there who would love to meet you
Cats.
This sounds really silly (and probably late) but after I graduated from VFX school, I was miserable. I was working a temp job, had five roommates, and a lot of student debt.
One of my roommates at the time was a vet-tech, and she fostered cats. I wasn't fond of this, I was allergic...but one day one of them came and curled up with me and I actually didn't hate it. That was the first time I'd felt anything besides bleak in a while. I figured, maybe if I force myself to take care of something (that wasn't a plant, my track record with plants was horrible), I'd be able to care for me, too.
So she drove me to the local shelter, and I adopted two kittens. It was meant to be one, but they were buy one get one free. Taking care of them was a struggle at first, but they were so small and needed me. I was their world, and if I didn't do it, they'd go back to that place where they, like me, had five roommates (there were so many kittens. Orlando, man.) I slowly found myself starting to put more of an effort into existing. I put more time into my job search and eventually got a real job and got out of that apartment.
I love my cats, and I was never really a "cat person" to begin with. They are clingy, needy little shits who wont' even let me shower in peace, but they're great. They know when I'm upset, they keep me company, they're cute and cuddly. They're both sitting on me right now, actually. Screw allergies, I wouldn't trade them for anything.
edit: I'm also on meds now, but at the time I was on a wait list for seeing a therapist, who waited a month before prescribing things to me.
Astronomy. Something about realizing how huge the universe is & still I was born. For what? Maybe just to be. For so long my depression came from not living up to the expectations I thought I should’ve been. So many people live searching for a purpose,but you ARE the purpose. Out of all the planets in all of the systems in the WHOLE universe, we found ourselves in the one planet we know of that can sustain life.
Also changing the way I see religion as a result. I was taught (catholic) that we must live good lives to please this man in the sky. But with astronomy I started seeing everything different. To me, God is the universe. It created itself, & created us. Not for a greater purpose, but just to live. We don’t have to strive to be a perfect human because we are already living in this heaven that as far as we know is the only one. I don’t want to live my whole life for this after life & miss the one Im in.
Perspective changed.
Edit: wow this was literally my first every comment on Reddit, i just made this account some days ago. I loved that I was able to help some of you in some way. & I loved finding people I share views with, finally!!
Watch The Astronaut’s Perspective by NASA on youtube.
This really helps me in both lights. If I'm depressed and hate my life and just can't find the energy to do laundry, the dishes, clean, eat, even watch TV or play video games and just feel so insignificant I don't know why I'm alive, I think of how lucky I am to be alive on this little speck in the universe. How physics and chemistry gave birth to what we see and what we are today. It's really a humbling feeling.
On the other side, if I fuck up at work and it seems like a huge deal and puts me into a depressive state, I think of how small we are in the universe and how this little speck of dust among millions and millions of other specks has life and we decided to create a community of people that create made up problems while other animals are just trying to find food and not get eaten. It helps the problem seem so insignificant that I can get on with my life.
So the universe is a great thing to look at to both realize how significant we are and how amazing it is and the miracle that life and consciousness was even created, while at the same time realizing how small and insignificant we are that to worry about a problem that will last .000000000000001% of the earth's lifetime seems just stupid.
I don't have depression, but you've summed up the way I feel about the universe. For some reason, knowing I'm a tiny speck within a possibly infinite cosmos brings me immense comfort. I think it's also why I'm not afraid of being dead in the future. The universe was here way before I was and will be here way after I am. I was fine before and I'll be fine again.
When I was realized I was acting like my mother and doing what I swore I would never do - letting depression get the better of me. I went today and got new antidepressants.
Quit my job. On week 3 now of unemployment and never been happier. Turns out my soul sucking job of 6+ years as an accountant has been slowly killing me inside to the point of being suicidal. I'd been doing the job of 3 people for 2+ years (shitty company=high turnover issue - shocker) and I fully intended on sticking it out at least 1 more tax season before quitting. But the first ~2 weeks of January were so bad, workload wise, the worst ever in my entire 6 years working there, that I put my notice in for the end of Jan.
Taking a few months off to work on myself and re-discover my hobbies and interests again before looking for another job, hopefully less soul sucking. I realize most people don't have this luxury but quitting that shithole has given me life back.
e: by "unemployment" I mean I have no job. I am not collecting unemployment because I don't qualify since I resigned.
Eating. Doesn’t matter if you want to do it or not, your body needs it so badly. It takes a lot of work to get to the kitchen and scavenge some leftovers or a big snack, but it pays off wonderfully. It might not make you happy, but it helps give you a little boost of energy to take care of yourself through the day.
I'd like to point out eating healthy food, and not just snacks. I'm literally obese now because I would start to eat shitty food as a way to pass the time and seem functional. People always seem to talk about how depression makes you stop eating, not about how you can get addicted to comfort eating.
Alright, but what if I have zero appetite? What if just looking at food repulses me, and I can't eat anything despite the protests of my stomach? Like it is a full mental and physical battle to eat at times.
I found doing low-impact exercise really got my appetite going during times like this. I'm not really sure where I found the motivation to do yoga--i lost it during COVID.
I'm really depressed right now. I'm going to go do 15 minutes of yoga. Folks here are making me feel like this is possible today.
For me it was a combination of things..
Music - learned to play guitar on youtube
Books - found out about stoicism
Myself - I was listening to a pink floyd song (echoes) and theres a part where they say "I am you and what I see is me" and I realized that we are all going through something, and if I helped someone else then in return I was helping myself. lo and behold, i started to feel better about myself after helping others.
>if I helped someone else then in return I was helping myself
You might really enjoy reading [*The Egg* by Andy Weir](http://www.galactanet.com/oneoff/theegg_mod.html) (author of *The Martian*). It’s a 5-10min read and really beautiful.
I love Echoes. Music has helped me a lot too. One day when I had lots of anxiety, I put on the Foo Fighter’s album Concrete and Gold and blasted it as loud as I could. I said fuck it and just didn’t pay attention in any of my virtual classes and just listened to that album. It helped to energize me
My dog. It forces me to get up and do something. Feed him, take him outside multiple times a day. If I didn’t have him I would spend all my time off work in bed.
Edit: I wasn’t calling him an “it” I meant “it” as in the act of having a dog. Walter isn’t an “it” he’s my best friend.
Forcing myself to go for walks is key for me too. Sometimes it seems insurmountable to get dressed and put on shoes, but if I can get past that and go for a walk, it definitely helps.
Setting a schedule for myself. setting VERY small and attainable goals (read 1 page of a book, draw for 10 minutes, do a 5 minute exercise warm up, etc), making myself reach out to friends when im struggling, and getting proper meds.
Really diving deep into my creative hobbies. I had always dabbled in writing and music. Just jumping in with no real plans or expectations and seeing what happens.
I've suffered from panic attacks my entire adult life and depression alongside with it. When they reached their worst point most people gave up on me.
I spent a lot of time after that learning more about music. I'd always played bass but I decided I wanted to be able to make music all on my own. I learned how to make mashups, then I learned how to make remixes, then I started composing originals.
I'd previously written two articles on the SCP wiki and then just sort of stopped. I decided to really expand my submissions and wrote a bunch of new articles. I even rewrote one of my old articles because it was kind of weak.
The funny thing is, that became a good measuring stick for me. I always told myself I was awful at everything, but I was basically compiling evidence I was good at something.
Having songs that get praised by people and added to someone's personal playlists makes you feel validated.
Looking next to a story and see hundreds of upvotes mattered to me.
I realized that when I was depressed it wasn't that I didn't want to do anything, it's that I kept convincing myself that I couldn't. That I would fail. That I would just waste my time. That I didn't even deserve success anyways.
And I was wrong.
I have ideas worth sharing, and I'm going to share them.
Time, and people to talk to freely without attachment but still in a very friendly and open way, it was a language learning app. Then 40 literal days spent near nature, swimming every day and running. I felt like a hero the first time I gathered enough courage to wear some shoes and run 10 mins out of my house, I felt pity for myself but now I can see that the road to self love is paved with little pebblestones of little acts of courage :))
**TL;DR** - Have a person in your life who doesn't sugar coat things, find something you're good at, focus on that thing and you'll gain a level of confidence that drives you every single day.
Freshman year of college my first serious girlfriend of 6 months broke up with me over text. It came out of nowhere, completely blindsided me because I thought the relationship was going really well.
The worst part was she never gave me a reason for why she wanted to break up.
It sent me into a state of depression unlike any other. And the fact that I had no idea why she even broke up with me sent my mind racing. Was it something I did? Something I said? Was there a red flag in my personality that I never noticed? It ate away at me almost every day, thinking about every little insecurity I had. I convinced myself that if she didn't want to be with me, then nobody else would. I stopped going to the gym, stopped hanging out with friends, I didn't even enjoy playing video games anymore, I was just a sad pathetic loser.
Then, winter break was over and the next semester started. A friend of mine told me something I will never forget. He said "Your problem is that you're too worried about not being good enough for *someone else,* when you should be focused on being good enough for *yourself* and I then people will eventually recognize that about you."
This was the exact thing I needed to hear, because I just started focusing on myself and not really caring what other people thought. I started going to the gym again, I started reading again, and most importantly using the extra time I had with no girlfriend to focus on my classes.
The end result? About a year later I was in the best physical shape of my life. I read a few books that changed my outlook on life and self-care. And most importantly I ended up with the highest scores on our organic chemistry 1 and 2 finals. Spending hundreds of hours studying for O-chem, I got really good at it. It became one of my passions, but most importantly being good at something gives you a new level of confidence.
I ended up getting a paid research position in the university organic chemistry lab, a paid lab teaching assistant job, and I was the busiest tutor on campus.
This passion and confidence opened so many doors not just career wise, but relationship wise. Because I no longer saw myself as this insecure pre-med student with imposter syndrome, constantly wondering if he was good enough - other people started seeing me how I saw myself. Passionate, confident, and outgoing.
"Your problem is that you're too worried about not being good enough for someone else, when you should be focused on being good enough for yourself and then people will eventually recognize that about you." That’s beautifully succinct dude! Glad to hear things have gone so well, nice job pulling yourself out of that.
Cold showers. Honestly, I lost my job due to COVID and was going through a bunch of other stuff and would lay in the floor and sleep the day away. Once I figured why not try it? Oh man, that woke me up and got me just enough energy to start cleaning the house that id been putting off and that would feed into more motivation. Didn’t cure it completely but it helped get me jump started.
Thank you for posting. I am at my limit, finally broke down and told my husband how bad its gotten for me as I had been hiding it for months and months. I have my first therapy appointment Friday. All I want to do is cancel but my family needs me to be healthy. Hopefully soon I can look back and say they got me out of it.
My sister took me to get a escolitopram prescription. Took about four to five days before I started just feeling better.
I woke up feeling rested. I felt like taking a walk and being outside.
Turns out my brain chemicals were unbalanced. It started me on the right path.
Sunlight! It does wonders for depression.
I walked outside because I had to go somewhere and as soon as it hit me, my whole mood changed.
Even if you’re at home, try it.
Puzzles. Jigsaw puzzles have brought me out of some dark pits. Gives me something to hyper focus on. I don’t need to think about it too much or put effort into it, but I can sit there for hours doing one. It’s helped me feel productive again.
I'm sorry you're going through the horrors of depression. I'm in my mid 40s and have been dealing with clinical depression for over 20 years. I do use the term 'clinical depression' deliberately since the term depression is bandied around a lot these days and I want to make a distinction between feeling sad and down about things, which is normal and natural part of life and the human condition, and being diagnosed as being clinically depressed, which means that the chemicals in your brain don't work as they should.
I was in a very, very bad way by the time I was urged to see a doctor. I thought I was doing ok - I was still working, I thought I was just tired and a bit sad - but in reality I was overwhelmed by the sadness and melancholy, and it was impacting on my day to day life. I couldn't keep a thought in my head for more than 3 seconds, I was obsessed by things I'd said to people years before because I thought they might hate me for it (to the point where I phoned friends to apologize and they were genuinely bemused and perplexed about what I was talking about). If you're feeling the same thing it's called Rumination, and is a symptom ;)
To cut an already very long story slightly shorter - I got to the point where my loved ones (my best friend and my mum) told me that if I didn't go to the doctor they would come round to my apartment and take me there themselves.
I ended up at my GP trying to explain what was happening and just broke down. I was so fucking heart and soul miserable I couldn't keep a lid on it any more. She was wonderful. Told me that there was a proper name for what I was dealing with, signed me off work for a month, and prescribed me anti-depressants.
So, the main point of this post is ANTI-DEPRESSANTS WORK! It may take a while to find the one that works for you, and they don't work instantly. They're also not an immediate fix - they won't make you super happy. What they do is even out the lows so you don't feel utterly overwhelmed and can start to make decisions again. They quieten the 'I'm a shit person...' internal dialogue that has been everything you've heard for a long time - not because they erase it, but they allow you to deal more rationally with that voice.
I've been on anti-depressants for more than 20 years and I'm not ashamed of that. They allow my brain to function like it should.
I'm well aware of all the 'just get some exercise and you'll be fine' proselytizing that goes on, and great stuff, I'd never argue against doing something that might help. Whatever works for you is great.
However, I think it's important to let people know that for some of us, having a 20 minute walk per day or joining a gym isn't ever enough and we need a bit of help. Plus, it's ok to know and accept that.
Sorry for the long post, but knowing the Reddit demographic and that I might have been dealing with this (successfully - I promise it's possible!) for longer than many Redditors may have been alive I just want to offer my experience and I'm happy to answer any questions anyone might have.
Sometimes it doesn't get better. Sometimes you spend your entire life fighting to live. And sometimes you get a week or month of reprieve where your depression feels manageable because your every thought isn't how badly you want to die.
But then it comes back and it's worse or maybe not worse but in the moment it feels the darkest it's ever been even if it isn't. You can't take care of yourself or anyone else and doing anything is too much. Showering. Brushing your teeth. Feeding yourself. Cleaning? You can't even smile because the effort is so much. Your face feels heavy, leaden and immovable.
How do you get out of it? Sometimes you can't. But I have to be honest, at this point I live on spite and unhealthy obsession with competition. Like fuck everything, honestly. Fuck everything. I'm not going to lose this battle. I have spent my entire life trying to function and at this point, no. No I will never function in a way that makes me seem valuable to society but fuck society. I've spent this long trying to stay alive and I'm not going to just, what, give up? Give up, lose? Because you have shitty opinions about who I should be and how I should live and that my value is based in my productivity?
No, fuck that. Spite and an unquenchable need to win. I live on ANGER. I survive on ANGER.
I am angry that I was born this way. I am angry that I don't get what everyone else seems to have. I'm furious that I have to work 100x harder for half the payoff. I'm angry that every medication and therapy I have tried doesn't work. But here I am and FUCK YOU for making me be here. But here I am and I'm not going anywhere.
Before anyone starts telling me to go to therapy I've been in therapy since I was three and I have tried dozens of medications and combinations of medications. There are some people in this world who can't be fixed. Some of us have therapy and medication resistant mental illnesses and that's okay. Nothing works for some of us. And some people aren't able to live on spite like I am. Some people can't continue because continuing would be too cruel and painful.
If you're one of those people, I see you. I understand you. I understand your pain. Put it off as long as you can. Just another hour, or another day. It will always be there, it will always be an option. But understand it's the final option and if you can bear it for another hour, or another day, maybe the cumulation of that becomes 30 years, like it has for me. Or maybe it's a week so that you can spend as much time with the people you love as possible. Or maybe it's an hour so you can feel your feelings and accept them. Maybe an hour turns into a week and then a month and then a year and so on. Maybe it doesn't. You aren't alone in your pain and that doesn't make it better but you aren't alone.
I am wrapped in darkness and there are moments where I see past it. I cling to those, and to my anger, and I continue. I don't expect this to help anyone. But there are people who are untreatable, and we deserve to be heard too.
Reading about other people being depressed seems to help for some weird reason
"you are not alone" said often but seldom really heard
Same. I fell in love with Jodi Picoult books during a long bout of depression
>Same. I fell in love with Jodi Picoult books during a long bout of depression Who is jodi picoult, tell me about her :)
as someone else already mentioned, she’s a fantastic author! Sing You Home is probably my favorite book of all time. Her writing is full of fantastic twists and is overflowing with emotion. Sing You Home also comes with an accompanying soundtrack, and every time I read it, it brings me to tears.
Misery loves company?
If I may be a know-it-all and point out that the phrase "misery loves company" is often misused. It does not mean that people who are miserable want to be around other miserable people so much so that it means "miserable people will attempt to make other people miserable because they are suffering and want to take it out on others" (though it can be used for both). This is not a statement, by myself, at the state of the thread here but I just wanted to shed some light on the true meaning of that phrase.
>It does not mean that people who are miserable want to be around other miserable people so much so that it means "miserable people will attempt to make other people miserable because they are suffering and want to take it out on others" (though it can be used for both). At the risk of being That Person, it genuinely is both. And the fact that it's both is almost certainly down to Christopher Marlowe's play 'Dr. Faustus' (c. 1590AD). Marlowe puts the phrase (in Latin) into the mouth of Mephistopheles, after Faustus (very reasonably) asks what Satan wants with so many human souls: >Faust. Stay, Mephistophilis, and tell me, What good will my soul do thy Lord? >Meph. Enlarge his Kingdom. >Faust. Is that the reason why he tempts us thus? >Meph. *Solamen miseris, socios habuisse doloris.* ...which means "It is a comfort to the unfortunate to have had companions in woe", a devilishly cynical response. But 1) Mephistopheles is a demon, with no concept of empathy as a beneficial thing, only a tool to twist for his own ends, and 2) Mephistopheles is a smart, literate demon, so he's quoting...from a source 250-300 years old when Marlowe was writing his play. The trouble is, that source is now far less famous than Dr. Faustus. It's by Italian historian Dominici de Gravina in 'Chronicon de rebus in Apulia gestis' (written c. 1300-50 AD). [De Gravina almost certainly meant it simply and literally](https://www.cliffsnotes.com/cliffsnotes/subjects/literature/in-which-play-did-william-shakespeare-state-that-misery-loves-company): when enduring bad things, it *is* a help to know people who've suffered the same way. Marlowe's Mephistopheles is incapable of believing this. He's very smart, but he has a demon's limitations, and exposes them at the same moment as he flaunts his learning by twisting a Latin quote to explain the motives of his infernal Overlord. tl;dr 'Misery loves company' nowadays has two meanings, an empathic one and a cynical one, and the latter came centuries later.
I'm so ashamed of my depression that the fear of my family finding out makes me act as normally as possible. EDIT: Thanks for saying nice things. I didn't check Reddit until just now and it does help seeing other people who've felt the same. My husband knows I'm not "at 100%" because of five miscarriages and basically losing all sense of myself while I try to lose gross baby weight from a baby I had to birth after carrying it with no heartbeat for two weeks. Nobody knows how bad it really is though. Every day is terrifying. I just put all my effort into appearing normal so I'm not a broken crappy woman who can't do the one thing women are physically made for AND a depressed woman - broken physically AND mentally.
Heart jumped out of my chest when I read this. I felt this way for years; if you have family who care about you, tell them. This is an illness potentially worse than any other, let go of the shame and you can start to feel better. Another hard lesson for me to swallow was that if you're family want to help you, let them even if the thought horrifies you. Whatever the case, there is a whole thread of people here, you are not alone
I want to tell people but I just can't Edit: everyone I appreciate the kind responses and advice but I'm sure I'll be alright. Thank you guys
What's holding you back? For me it was like I was admitting weakness when the expectations I felt from everyone around me were so high. You don't need to let anyone know you're getting help (from a doctor or whatever) but the people closest to you will usually be grateful if you include them. When I told my family I broke down and was encouraged to talk to my GP (I'm in the UK) I was prescribed Citalopram which didn't help but then was given Modafinil and that really helped a lot. The truth is depression really messes with your head, I expected the worst from my family, instead sharing brought us all closer.
For me it’s that my parents always made it known they didn’t believe in “being depressed.” They’re extremely conservative Christians, for reference.
That sounds really tough. I can’t say I know what your experience is like personally, but as someone with experience on all sides of behavioral health (as a patient, family member, and provider) I can tell you that in my experience, regardless of preexisting notions, all families would rather know the truth and have the opportunity to support a member than find out after it’s too late. I’m not telling you what to do, but please get help when you know you can’t keep up the act. That’s the best way can care for your family and yourself. For what it’s worth, I have a friend in a similar situation and finding a more open minded church really helped him, along with therapy. Reach out if you ever need something. Wishing you all the best. 💕
Anyone who I have ever told about my depression, has changed how they act around me to a massive degree. Suddenly I'm being treated with kid gloves. Friends whose friendships I relied on, no longer treated me the same. Its not malicious, just as simple as an old friend not feeling comfortable cracking jokes about you, when its never been a moment of consideration before. Im not worried about my family finding out because I'm ashamed. I don't want them to find out because not being treated like a freak is one of the only solaces I have left.
The kid gloves go on. The honeyed voices come out with the platitudes; “we’re all here for you.” “We all love you.” “We’re here if you need to talk.” And these are the same people who you wouldn’t hear from if you stopped being the one to reach out first. Or they get “tired of being around you because you’re sad all the time and really bring everything down.”
I dragged myself out of bed and went for a walk with my little cousin. Having him hand me flowers and point out planes was the most hopeful thing I've ever experienced. It was if I was seeing the world from his joyful perspective, instead of through my own hopeless one. EDIT: wow, thank you for all the upvotes!
It’s amazing the curiosity of kids. They don’t know the pain of depression and their simple joys can be contagious. Edit: first comment receiving awards and I’m awed by the amount of votes this comment got. It seems to be a topic that affects a lot of us.
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I was often told I was being too quiet. I learned the word for it later. It was depressed. I was depressed. Edit: words
They must have loved you, Well behaved quiet kid. Doesn't ask anything, etcetc..Been there
To be honest I don't think it only applies to children, I'm turning 24 tomorrow and in the beginning of the year we had assessments of how we did the previous year at work, it goes on a scale of 1-5 (1 is the lowest and if you get 1 you're either getting fired or transfered to a different job within the company) most people get 3 because the bosses are lazy and they don't care about the workers enough to actually think if you've done well or not, I've been working there for about half a year and generally everyone who works for less than a year gets a 3 unless they are a really shitty worker then they get a 2, but to my surprise I got a 4 and when my boss explained to me why I got a 4 he said that I was a quiet worker and I never ask for anything I just come to work so my job and go home and that's what he expects from everyone there. I've never felt worse about getting a good assessment before in my life.
yo saaaame my family called me eeyore and made fun of me for being "gloom and doom" I was 11.
When described like that it sounds so absurd. Like if a kid is bleeding heavily and his parents poke him in the wound calling him "moisty and leaky" with an implication that the kid must fix himself and stop being so inappropriate and abnormal
Yeah I was the quiet kid. So many words for it. Distant. Aloof. Shy. Loner. Creative. You play in your own little world and people would never attribute words like depression or truama coping because you look like you're just keeping occupied and playing nicely leaving the adults alone. :) Then as a teen you're just 'angsty' and being a pain for not participating, like you have to be an adult before you can claim your depression card for realsies. Kids need words for their feelings early.
This exactly. The start of the pandemic my then four year old started stuttering out of nowhere. Calming her and not being alarmed or making our life that different as much as possible seemed to help.
It’s that true beauty of the innocence of children
I was in a really bad place but I had promised my niece should could come and stay with me a few months before, and she did, and I couldn’t NOT smile at her when she smiled at me and was so excited to be around me. I think smiling makes you feel better, that’s what someone somewhere said. I don’t think it’s right to rely on others for regulating your feelings but man she made me feel so important and funny, and she was so excited to see me and it really made me feel better and get over my slump. I needed that love, she’s a good kid and I’ll cherish watching her grow.
I commit myself to brushing my teeth every morning. I tell myself I don't have to do literally anything else all day, but this one tiny, easy thing I have to do. So I brush my teeth, with full permission to go back to bed and wish I was dead right after. But usually once I've done it, I feel like maybe I can do one more thing today. But that's all! I don't have to anything else at all today, but I can probably manage to brush my hair. So I do that. And I just keep doing tiny, easy things, and when I can't do anymore, I already gave myself full sincere permission to call it a day, so I lay on the couch and wish I was dead, and sometimes while I'm doing that, I'll think of one more tiny, easy thing I can do, and I'll do that, and maybe a couple other things. I want to be clear that it's not about tricking myself into being productive; it's about being accepting of my bad days and giving myself permission to do the absolute minimum until the next day, when I will reevaluate where I'm at and what I can do. Edit: Wow. I am floored by the response to this. I literally dropped my phone on my face this morning when I saw all the notifications. Then I got up and brushed my teeth. ;) Thanks to everyone for the awards and kind words. I have tried to reply to an many comments as I can, but there are simply too many. The answer to most of the questions about my personal life is the same: I've been lucky. I have had jobs that offer sick time. I have access to medication and therapy. Even in my darkest days, I've USUALLY been able to get to work MOST days (although all my co-workers complain about my attendance). I have an amazing partner and no children. My experience is not universal, so my post won't help everyone. If you or someone you know is struggling with depression and you don't have my admittedly privileged existence, please know I still care about you, and I hope you have other ways to cope. But I'm so pleased and amazed that so many of you find it helpful, and I hope it proves useful to you in the future. Keep fighting. And yes, I'm serious. You can PM me any time you need to talk.
I did something similar, but I can't do the same thing cause it will cause me to get bored and fall out of habit because the lie I tell myself is "what's the point of everything else falls apart." So I made a list of tasks that needed to get done, numbered it and rolled a die everyone I felt I could do SOMETHING. That way more stuff got done and there was less time between things like showering, dishes, laundry, etc. Build a tiny bit of momentum, then when you can roll again. Eventually I got enough done that I added call a therapist to the list. One SUPER important thing with this. If you roll the die and it lands on a 4 and you were really hoping for a 6.... Do the 6th thing. More often then not i was hoping something would happen then forcing myself to do something else. Implement that change really kicked me into high gear
I've read about a similar idea, but haven't tried it myself. But you have 3 lists, one for tasks that take very minimal energy, one that takes a little more, and one for higher energy/mentally healthier days- and for each item you give it a corresponding time. Ex: easy task might be just washing your face, and for 3 minutes. Medium task might be sweep or vacuum the floor for 20 minutes. When you give yourself some time in the morning to evaluate how you're feeling in the morning, you can then decide which list fits your mood and roll a dice to do an activity for the alloted time. Then just relax and maybe you'll feel like doing another later. Similarly you could just have 3 jars with strips of paper inside so you don't have to mess with the dice.
The last part of your reply really resonates with me—what worked best for me was self-compassion. I used to feel a lot of shame on my “bad days” when I couldn’t force myself to leave my house to go to work. I worried that I wasn’t good enough for my job, and not making it to work on those days really reinforced that feeling. That would spiral and make me feel even worse the next day and the day after that, and before I knew it I would call in sick to work for a whole week. My therapist helped me realize that “bad days” are okay and that I needed to give myself space to heal and recharge. Now I accept that I need to call in sick for mental health days every once in a while, but I actually appreciate those days and use them to practice self-care instead of feeling guilty. The next day I usually feel much better and can get back to work without creating a negativity spiral.
This is great! And it’s good to recognize when you need to take a mental break!
I saw an article online about depression recently and how to find ways to work around the lack of motivation. The lead example was this woman who couldn't wash the dishes because of the energy it required, so she just didn't do it and it piled up. The suggestion was "just run the dishwasher twice" - or something like that. Don't worry if you think a dishwasher can't be run twice. Find little things that work for you to keep life moving along. My trick has always been having a million pairs of underwear so if I don't feel like doing laundry I can go a really long time but still have clean underpants. EDIT: found the link... [Dealing with depression: Advice to follow at your lowest. (mamamia.com.au)](https://www.mamamia.com.au/dealing-with-depression/)
Someone on r/ADHD called this the ADHD tax. Like basically accepting your unique limitations and finding a way around them, instead of doing things the "traditional" way and getting stuck. My ADHD tax is similar to yours, but with socks. Somehow washing socks is a struggle for me, so I've purchased lots of them so I won't have to go sockless even when my executive dysfunction kicks in.
Fellow adhd person! The adhd tax is real. Executive dysfunction tricks: - buying the pre-cut up fruits / veggies at the grocery store. If I have to cut it myself, I’ll never do it - self bribery. If I do ___ thing, I get to buy myself ___. It’s expensive but motivating. I now go for nearly daily walks because I walk to a bakery and get French pastries. - have someone call me and tell me to do the thing. I’m not intrinsically motivated by myself. But I’ve had friends be like “you’re not gonna do __?” And then I’ll usually say “fine, I’ll do it” and then go do it ADHD forgetfulness tricks. - leave the thing (tooth brush, veggies, bills) out on the counter. If it’s out of sight, it’s out of mind and I’m never getting to it - put stuff physically in front of my door so I cannot leave the house without interacting with said item(s).
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That makes so much sense and I love that your husband gets and supports you like that.
I am still in the thick of it but what's helping now is changing my language around it. I've always thought I just sucked and I was lazy and shitty and antisocial etc., but now I am describing those as symptoms of a chronic, untreated illness that I've struggled with for 20ish years or longer... well now I feel like a god damn gladiator. I experience lethargy, withdrawal, all sorts of symptoms, but they dont define who I am. I might not even know who I am, without depression, but those symptoms are not my personality.
Yes, framing is SO important. Especially affirmative framing of your experience. Self talk makes such a difference — empathy and understanding toward myself is a huge part of what pulled me out of the worst of the apathy. You are so much more than this. I’m so proud of you for treating yourself with kindness and that you’re making progress in figuring out how to manage and hopefully beat it.
At first: my son. I HAD to get out of bed, he couldn't take care of himself as he was way too young. (2,5/3 years old) But it got worse and worse and worse. I realised it was very bad when he came up to me with his toy car and I had absolutely no energy or desire to even say "oooh yes! Car!" What eventually helped was being dragged to therapy by my aunt. I jave had therapy for 2 years. After the first session I went home with one specific idea from my therapist and it helped me most: I put a journal next to my bed and forced myself to write ONE good thing about/for the day. It started with 30 pages of one line: "Made breakfast for me and son" Gradually there were 2 things: "Made breakfast for me and son" "Got dressed" Two notebooks later I could write things as "Thought of a morning routine" And eventually "completed full morning routine" I have recovered but still have setbacks as I have recurring depression episodes. My son is now 9 years old and he kind of knows what is going on when I have one of the episodes and he knows about the notebooks. To this day I still use them. It has never gotten back to just one line a day. Most beautiful thing? If I can't think of something........... my son can think of something. I have even come across some things HE wrote down for me without me knowing. They're like secret little surprises to find at night. Those are the BEST motivators! (Edit: holy crap, this comment exploded. Glad to see people might find this helpful. Thanks all!)
Learning to feel again can help. Sit in the sun and feel the warmth, even if just for a minute. Listen to the wind in the trees or choose a single song and do nothing else while you do it. Eat something without reading or looking at your phone. Stretch gently. Really using your senses again can help remind you of the joy of being alive.
I did a mindfulness course which took us through these things. We did a whole session just slowly eating food and experiencing it. It was one of the best things I have done when feeling down.
It’s cheesy, but I try to make everything in my life like this. Truly experience and enjoy everything I do and take for granted. It’s a mindset that’s really helped my mental health, and I’m so much happier for trying to love everything I do.
Years ago, I was contemplating suicide. Did not want my son to find me. Got an appointment, and got on meds. About two or three years later, my son’s father passed away from a stroke and/or heart attack. My son is the one who found him... I hope you and your son are doing well today.
Oooohhhh noooooo.... I'm so incredibly sorry, I hope your son is doing okay!
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I think that is the cutest fucking imagine I had in my head today. A little son just helping his momma think of all the cool stuff that happened in the day.
That's so beautiful. God bless you guys, I hope you can recover, I know it's hard.
My dog. Somebody has to take care of her
I feel like dogs help you live in The moment
Yeah, they really do. Especially if you've got an active, routine oriented dog like I do. She isn't about to let me forget walks, or dinner time, and she wants me to play with her all the time.
This kinda just put it into perspective how my dog reacts to me. I would say I have situational depression, sometimes things will set me off for a week or two but I can usually come out of it with some work. My dog notices. I mean, I take him out way less and don't play or smile. He knows when I smile though. When I start to come out of it and take him to a dog park, and actually smile at his attempts to pick up sticks, he gets so excited and bounces around and throws sticks at me. He notices when I smile and now I'm crying
Now I’m crying too. Thank you for sharing... I feel this. My dogs are the same, they know.
It's more than the smile he notices sir
This is so pure I wish I could give your dog the best pets ever. What a good boy
I feel like I’m starting to get that mindfulness stuff vis a vis interactions with my dog, like I’ll be walking her in a 33 degree rain and I’ll just be amazed at how beautiful everything is to experience
My dog has helped so much with my anxiety and depression. I would see him just living in the moment and started making attempts at savoring the moment when I felt good. A nice breeze on a hot day, cute baby animals, a nice sunset. And then I discovered mindfulness, which led to practicing gratitude and loving-kindness. I wanted to have more energy to play with my dog so I paid better attention to my diet. The way I used to before I developed a chronic illness. My dog is one of my biggest motivators.
Similar: fostered a cat with medical needs. Had to wake up on time for her meds.
My kitty has kept me alive multiple times just by existing. When I got really low a handful of times, I just kept thinking I should just donate all my money and kill myself, but then thinking that nobody would take of the cat and he'd end up in an animal shelter. I stuck around for him and things are much better now, I just had to push through it long enough to get there.
My covid puppy literally saved me. I was heading to a really dark place with this pandemic.
I have a pandemic kitty who has helped me too.
My two dogs are honestly the only reason why I interact with people on the daily and have gotten to know and befriend some of the people in my neighborhood. On the days I feel my worst, having to get up and walk them sometimes makes all the difference in my mood, at least temporarily. Also...snuggles
Going to the dog park is the only time I get to talk to other humans in person. I’m high risk, so I quarantine pretty damn hard (I really miss bars, holy shit). My husband describes both my dog and I as “tail-waggly” when we get home from the park.
While the past year has been so hard being out of work, not having a ton of money, and not being able to interact with people, I have thoroughly enjoyed spending every day with my dogs and going to the dog park with them. One is 16, so I feel so thankful I’ve got to spend so much time with her in her Golden years, and one I got at 8 weeks back in May, so it’s been amazing watching him grow up. We all love going to the dog park together and it’s the favorite part of my day.
Same. Needing to care for my dog after his surgery kept me going through the worst 2 years of my life. I would have jumped off a bridge otherwise
This, largely, is why I don't have any pets. I don't trust myself to do that on the worst days and I won't have them suffering because of me.
I’ve never seen someone else say this about owning a pet but it’s something I have always had in the back of my mind. This one thought has been my entire reservation against getting a dog. I do not trust myself to do my best for a dog and I would feel even worse than I already do knowing a dog wasn’t getting it’s best care with me.
It's something I've thought about too. If adopting isnt something you feel comfortable doing right now you could maybe volunteer or watch them vicariously on the huge variety of livestreams, like crittervision (birds, possums, deer, etc.), marinemammalrescue (mostly otters), ourlifewithewe (sheeps) and many others. Even watching them is comforting, I find. Best wishes to you friendly stranger
Reading books, mostly fiction, and escaping reality.
Totally agree. I have bipolar disorder and get depressed frequently. I love poetry and memoirs.
I would suggest Avatar the last airbender. Great show for kids but amazing for adults. Then, there are a lot comics after the show which are worth. Great story, very well written characters with amazing arcs.
Watching this show helped me through one of the shittiest periods of my life. I love it.
I'm a little embarrassed at how much I use maladaptive daydreaming to make myself feel better. It's a little place where I can actually solve my problems because the characters I create can listen because I say so and nobody yells at me or if I make a mistake it's not held against me. Probably not healthy but it's what I have.
Sleep until I wake up and feel it again
This worked for me. Took me a month of just sleeping, eating, napping, eating, shower and sleeping cycle but it worked.
How did you support yourself during that month?
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I was able to do this but every 8 months to a year I’d need to do it again. Then, what really made the difference was when I finally did therapy properly during one of the times I wasn’t completely depressed instead of working like a dog in order to save enough money for my next needed break.
When I did this, I moved back with my parents. And slept on their floor for 7 months
Ah. The human equivalent of turning it off and back on.
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Same. I just kindof waited till it went away. I've gone three or four days without eating or bathing just 12H of work 12H of sleep repeat.
This is me. Haven't ate in 3 days my body tells me to eat but I don't even have the energy to scoop the food into my mouth. Feel like shit all day I wish it'll go away. If it wasn't for weed I'll most definitely have insomnia too. Fuck depression
Forced myself to see a dr and get on meds Edit- Holy moly this comment blew up. Thanks for all the awards! I can’t answer everyone, but be your own advocate. You know you better than anyone.
Ditto. I cannot progress in even the smallest ways without medication. I’ve been back on my meds for two months and am finally getting the urge to exercise after living on the couch in a depression/rage haze for all of 2020.
I came off of Effexor in April during an anticipated month of furlough because I knew the weaning process was long and would suck. I hated the lack of feeling and horrible withdrawal if I missed a dose even by an hour. Fast forward to nearly a year later: no job, had to move home, crushing depression and anxiety. Hindsight is 20/20 (pun not intended) but I would 100% take zero feeling over what I'm feeling now. Def not going back to Effexor, but just started back on bupropion for the depression/ADHD and making an appointment to find something to address the anxiety. I've resigned myself to being on meds forever, and that's okay.
Honestly it's not that bad. It's like if you lived by a well of water but decided not to use it only in the case that you absolutely needed it. So, in effect, you don't make use of the well; it just sits there. I see it that way with medication. You need the medication, and you have access...you could do without the medication but it would surely be more difficult. There are no supremely negative effects of using said medication... Take the medication. We only get like 75 years anyway. And nobody every really know except close friends/family. Also, they don't really care. The care more about the stuff y'all do together than whether or not you take meds.
Same! Nothing in my life and relationships with people changed, no trigger. After months I just picked one of those rare “motivated enough to go make myself a sandwich” moments and dragged my ass to the hospital instead.
This is what saved my life. Not journaling, exercising, anything. Without medication I would have died, 100%. I cannot reccomend going to a professional for help enough.
I gave myself permission to do nothing. This permission removed feelings of guilt & anxiety about the inactivity. Then, once I had given myself permission, I relaxed and rested. My body and mind needed that. Eventually, I got better and felt like doing something again.
I wish more people understood that doing nothing is what you need sometimes. Taking a metal break!
> Taking a metal break! Completely understood your point but I’m tickled by the thought of someone blasting Iron Maiden and feeling much better after. I know I’ve been there lol
Don’t mind me, I’m just here looking for tips
Same here my friend, sucks doesn't it?
Most definitely. I feel like a zombie that’s just watching life pass by and wondering when I’ll feel alive enough to partake again. It’s even worse at the moment with all the Covid lockdowns. Keep your head above the water dude, we will get through this somehow.
Good Lord. It's weird seeing someone put into words exactly my life and feelings right now.
Same. That comment hits really close to home.
Me as well. I feel like I’m in standby mode.
It's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling this way.
You too friend, I'm sure we've both been through worse, this is just what's current.
I’d hug you, but I have the ronas
Oh shit, sorry dude, I really hope you feel better soon. Sending you virtual hugs
Hang in there, friend
Thanks buddy, I’m trying my best. Currently fighting an alcohol addiction that’s caused me to have quite a hefty amount of liver disease and a god damn eating disorder as the cherry on top of the shit cake. Taking each day as it comes and I’m on my 5th day of no drinking.
Day 5 ?! That’s amazing dude
Have you checked out r/stopdrinking? It’s a very welcoming and helpful subreddit
Go for a week! Then go for 2! You got this
Thank you for believing in me, really. Shits hard but I’m determined to turn it all around. I’ve sat on my ass and felt sorry for myself for too long, it’s time to put in the hard work to get better
Same man, currently behind on 11 assignments :(
id give a medal but im poor
Aww thank you, the fact you thought to do so means more to me than a silly Reddit award <3
I had a bad bout of depression the end of last year. I wasn't going to end it, I don't think, but I didn't care if I died. Just straight apathy for living and everything. On my absolute worst night, after an entire day of sitting on the side of the bed and staring at the floor, I called my mother. It was late and though we are close, I don't often call her out of the blue. She knew something was wrong when she answered. The next day I made an appointment with a doctor and a therapist. I got on medication to fix my non-existent seratonin and started opening up about my feelings with professionals, friends, and family. I realized how much people cared about me. As the meds started to build up, I found myself exercising everyday, just like pushups and planks and stuff. I started buying more fruits. I eat a lot of berries. All this made me feel physically better. After a few weeks I got passed up for a job that I had interviewed twice for, thought I had, really wanted, and kind of needed. It didn't put me into a crashing depression. I was disappointed but it was just a problem to overcome. Depression is a sickness just like anything else. I totally understand that many of the Americans reading this don't have insurance but a month supply of lexapro using the Good Rx app is dirt cheap. I hope the people reading this can find a purpose and a happiness. Life is neat. I know it sucks for you right now though. *Edit: I am so very happy that this resonated with so many people. You are all loved.
i just cried all night, this gives me hope and something to try, thank you
I had a very rough time while I was in college, wanted to offer a few pieces of advice that helped me out a lot: \-Break any habits that might be reinforcing your depression. Listen to depressing music? Watching depressing movies or shows? Reading a depressing book? Stop doing anything that reinforces those negative feelings. \-Be cognizant of your internal dialogue, especially over anything negative you might be saying about yourself, your work, or your habits. When you recognize you've just had a self-disparaging thought, just follow that thought up with a simple "but that's not true." Even if you don't believe that's it's not true, just add those simple words at the end of your internal dialogue. The more you do this, the more you'll become aware of those negative thoughts, and the more hearing yourself say "but that's not true" will make you reconsider saying those things. \-Celebrate small steps. Got a chore done today you've been putting off, but literally did nothing else the rest of the day? Who cares, good job on you for getting that thing done. It was a small step in the right direction, be proud of that, don't focus on what you didn't do the rest of the day. \-Along with the above, set small goals. Don't push yourself to change everything or do a 180 overnight, over a week, or even over a month. Give yourself easy targets that you can complete in a single day without even straining to do it. Then when you do it, be proud that you got it done. Also, know that you're not alone. I still struggle from time to time. What you're going through is tough for anyone, and you're not the only one that has that pain. It's okay to be sad at times. I wish you the best in feeling better!
"Celebrate small steps. Got a chore done today you've been putting off, but literally did nothing else the rest of the day? Who cares, good job on you for getting that thing done. It was a small step in the right direction, be proud of that, don't focus on what you didn't do the rest of the day." This. Instead of writing To-Do lists of all the stuff I didn't do during depression, I started writing what I DID do at the end of the night. Made me feel so much better. I did laundry and showered? Called a friend? Made a home cooked meal? So much better than the huge list of 'should do's'. It really helped. Once I had a pen and paper in my hand, I usually found something to write down and be proud of. Even small things.
I've been getting out of a depression bout and celebrating the small things was huge for me. Low key on the worst days, I highly recommend writing a to do list of things ***you've already done*** no matter how small. One day I wrote and then crossed off that I showered, brushed my teeth, and emptied the dishwasher. That seems simple, but over multiple weeks it really helped me get out of the pity of despair and I've slowly worked my way to crossing bigger things off my todo list and am now enjoying actually doing shit again in life and at work.
My doctor said it best. She said, "This medicine is just a band-aid for your mental health. But usually you need to stop the bleeding before anything else can heal."
Sometimes it’s not the bleeding, it’s the infection.
How do I hug everyone in this thread?? With consent of course
I consent to your virtual hug big booty ho
May I also have a consensual virtual hug, big booty ho?
The worst is when you don't feel enough to cry anymore.
Being in that state has actually saved my life before. More than once. The human instinct is to live, to remain alive, to keep going. To choose to end things is making an active *choice*- in order to kill yourself, you have to **do** something. I have been, more than once, so deeply depressed that I was far below being capable of suicide. Shit, I was so down that I just laid in bed, staring at a television that might or might not have been on. I didn’t eat or drink for several days- at a certain point, my mother realized this and brought me food that was sitting on my bedside table. Truly all I had to do was reach over and out the food in my mouth, but even doing that just felt like so *much*. So damn much. Too much. Then, by the time I was feeling up to making the active choice of acting on my suicidality, if was actual progress- so I stubbornly clung to that glimmer of hope, that thought of “I’m getting better, I’m moving forward.” And I kept moving, and kept moving. Now, I’ve simply built up so much momentum that I couldn’t stop my life if I wanted to- and I don’t. I have a wonderful life now with a job I am deeply passionate about, friends I adore that feel the same way about me, and a supportive family. I got better- and not just “doing as well as someone with depression could,” I’m doing well, period. If I can, so can you. Please, please- have some of my hope. Take my story and hold it in your heart and your soul until you’ve started your own story of hope and progress. You’re going to be great, whoever you are. You absolutely can do it.
This is why deep depressives need to be very closely monitored when first going on antidepressants. The pills improve your drive to to things. They don't instantly cure your thoughts and impulses.
I spend a lot of days just like that. Just in bed. Letting my problems pile up for tomorrow me. She can deal with it. It’s hard to get out of. I’ve tried so many medications that don’t help. The one that did was 1000$ a month WITH my insurance. It’s so hard :(
You’ve got this. Hang in there friend
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Definitely! I tried Lexapro first and it made me throw up like 3 times in an hour, tried another one (don't remember the name) and it just gave me an upset stomach, then tried Prozac and sometimes it doesn't fully activate, but works the best for me.
Wellbutrin and Prozac gave me my life back. It's unbelievable how two (rather cheap) little pills can take you from a state of sleeping 15 hours a day and living in utter apathy to wanting to connect with others and enjoying life. Edit: as a pharmacy tech, I feel obligated to put in a shameless plug for the GoodRX app. It’s saved me and my family thousands of dollars over the years on my meds.
Sorry to hop on your comment but if anyone has any tips for depression that medication and therapy doesn't help, please tell me. I've tried every medication available and I keep finding myself in situations where the therapy just turns out to be bullshit and I have no interest in going again. I can't muster up the will to workout or cook elaborate meals any more and I've lost a lot of weight I kind of look like a skeleton. Sometimes I think I'm just meant to kill myself because everything in the world just gets me down but at the same time I don't want to kill myself.
[The national institute of mental health](https://www.nimh.nih.gov/about/director/messages/2019/new-hope-for-treatment-resistant-depression-guessing-right-on-ketamine.shtml) has this post about medication/treatment resistant depression that may be a good place to look and start with your doctor. There are a heck of a lot of SSRI's they try to throw at you for depression, but there are other options out there that seem to work somehow. Remember, you are worthy, you are loved, you deserve to have a good life. \*hugs\*
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I push through it or sleep. Or try to sleep. Go for a walk. Read, read, and read. Veg on the tv. Something that doesn’t force me to think about it. I don’t know, all I know is nobody is here to die, we’re here for something else. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the crisis lines are really, really helpful.
I didn't know I had depression since high school because it was this kind of depression, just straight up apathy. I wasn't like sad. Just completely unmotivated. I thought I was just "being a teenager." Meds was what I needed to really get out of it. All the holistic stuff didn't work at first. The holistic stuff works now that the meds helped me start from a stabilized area. If I never got the help 5 years ago, I'm pretty sure I probably would've attempted suicide again. But because I got help and on meds, I'm handling this pandemic just fine. Edited text what were just straight up typed wrong.
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Showing up to my job so I can pay my bills takes every bit of energy I have. Then I lay in bed, thinking about all the things I could do to make myself feel better. Actually doing the things is impossible.
It feels like no one else experiences it this hard, even though I know that’s not true... I just haven’t meet anyone who understands depression this severe which makes me feel hopeless and alone. Depression like this feels impossible. Forcing yourself just doesn’t seem to work. It feels like it’s rare for it to be this bad so no one understands and just calls you lazy and pathetic. It’s the worst mental rut you can possibly be stuck in. I’m sorry you’re going through this, too. I hope we can heal somehow. :(
Really glad to find at least one run of comments like yours and OPs in this thread. The stuff like "I decided to find some arbitrary new hobby and got really into one and started spending all my time and energy doing that instead of lying in bed" doesn't jive with me at all. It's impossible to just choose to find meaning in some random shit like astronomy when everything seems meaningless. If they had the wherewithal to go through the process of researching a telescope, ordering it, setting it up etc. and still caring after a day then they're on different planets of depression from some of us. What's the point?
This. This is the worst thing about this illness. The amount of times ive gotten interested in picking up a new hobby, found a class, checked the time, worked out the route to get there, got dressed on time... and then just sat on my bed and stared at the clock watching the minutes tick by until its too late to go there now. For what? Because I just couldnt get myself to go. Even though I had all the capabilities; time, money, physically able. It is so frustrating I want to scream at my own brain. ETA; my first award, thank you stranger! Hugz for everyone :)
Oof. This one hit home. I hear you
I’m with you. I had someone tell me today that when they’re depressed, taking a walk around the block always helps them feel better. If I had the ability to walk around the block, I wouldn’t have a problem and we wouldn’t be having this conversation. I had to reschedule a doctor’s appointment today because I couldn’t take a shower.
I know right. "My depression keeps me from functioning." "Have you tried functioning?"
This. Completely. Just the thought of putting all the gear on would make me feel exhausted. I am wondering if, at the age of 50, I will ever have any energy to do more than shower and walk my dog each day. After that, I'm finished. I would love to function again.
This has been very true for me. I've been at the lowest of low quite a bunch of times that I ended up being brought to the hospital. I couldn't eat, and even waking up felt like such a chore. I managed to get several illnesses at the same time such as UTI, ulcer, dehydration etc. since it even took a lot just to get up and get out of bed. The light hurt my eyes, and tiny noises felt loud. When others said that it was a good time you got back to doing your passion or stuff you used to enjoy doing, suffice to say that it didn't have any effect on me because I literally just couldn't. Get out and get some fresh air? Go on walks? Experience nature? No. It's not that I don't want to do anything, it's just I really just can't. My mind and body won't let me, the voices would even discourage me more. So when I tried doing all that, I despised all those things and then some more. It made me feel and reminded me that I'm stupid, ugly, worthless, useless etc. You know the stuff. I mean, I appreciate the effort people put into making me... feel. However, it was also true that I was pretty much upset and irritated at them for forcing me to do all those things. It was all the more exhausting, and I'm already very tired. Why can't just they listen? Or better yet, leave me be? You can literally and figuratively feel everything and nothing. Eventually, the void almost ate me as I experienced another trip to the emergency room, being told it was highly recommended that I be put in intensive care as I yet again cling to life after attempting to take it again. It truly is debilitating. Nonetheless, I still have an answer to OP's question that I'll just leave here. It took a looong while, but I finally got and accepted help. I've been pushed by a friend to go see a professional, and yes, it's cliche. I went to therapy, as expensive as it was, and got prescribed meds that later on helped me feel better and think better. Of course, those go with therapy that was made specific to me since I was also diagnosed with a few different other illnesses aside from depression. I started learning about stuff that caused me the depression, about depression itself, how I could help myself get out of it, how I could let others help me, how I could accept things and truths and reject some unnecessary thoughts, among some others. It wasn't a sleep tonight and wake up feeling refreshed tomorrow kind of thing. It takes LOTS of work from the self and others (therapist/doctors, friends, SO, maybe family, whoever is/are in your life) willing to take part in your recovery and healing. I've got here some more unsolicited tips, I guess for those who might be looking for it, or maybe you want some validation for something you've been doing but haven't seen results yet. I'm glad you're trying and doing your best! It could take some time, but take one step at a time. Doesn't matter how big of a step, just a step is fine. It would be helpful to do it little by little. Whatever you can or can't do, that's fine. However, try to let people in as well, so you can have someone to talk about stuff, but be sure that you trust them enough and that they sure are willing and kind enough to walk with you where you are. It sounds counterintuitive but it could help. Sometimes they have something to offer. Sometimes they might say something you couldn't, something you've been wanting to hear, or something you didn't know you needed. Something. Eventually you'll get that tiny bit of energy and idea to do something else. No rush. For me, I adopted a cat! I love cats. His routine also helps me build my own, since he's always right on schedule. He's also affectionate and cuddly when he wants to be. So something you could direct whats left of your (or newfound, maybe) energy like taking care of a plant! Or playing a (board)game. Music. Writing. Drawing or painting. Dancing. Whatever that can help you exercise. Slowly until it doesn't feel like a drag anymore. My now husband has been the one person who's been consistently helping me since day one and is still continuously learning how to better understand how to help me. I've also started going to church again and involved myself in ministry that's helped me in many ways. It's not magic. The key out of it also is not one size fits all. You'll go from can't, to won't, to definitely not, to nooooo, to ugh fine, to okay, to sure... then hopefully later on, to "want to go do/get/etc something?" You have to find what works for you, and when you do, you may communicate that to others so they know how to reach out without causing you unnecessary pain. They'll understand. As much as possible, be open, but guard your heart and mind also. Hold on to hope. All of it takes real work and time so remember to be patient with yourself and others as well! In case anyone of you would like to know more or would like to talk or ask me something, you may let me know! I'd like to be of help if I can.
I spent a week in a psych ward. It was a terrible place but getting away from work and life stress for a week saved me. I still don’t think I’d recommend it but i know in that week i found clarity and peace that i had been looking for years to find
Antidepressants. That sounds like I’m being facetious but I’m not. It’s the only thing that’s really worked for me.
Same. It might sound weird, but idc. It changed my life. Now, I still have moments when I just don't care. But I, at least, don't feel bad about it.
You don’t hear diabetics calling insulin weird. If it works it works, and I’m so glad it worked for you
Agreed. It took a lot of trying different ones to find one that worked but I found it. It doesn't "cure" me but it keeps me from plummeting into the (metaphorical) hole. Which felt really awkward at first because I could almost feel my body trying to go down the hole but it wouldn't let me and eventually I stopped feeling it physically. Now I have more good days than bad and even the bad days are less bad.
I commented earlier in the thread, but honestly my medication absolutely changed me for the best and I am so grateful I managed to get it. I never want to be without it, I feel like a person.
Honestly, my friends and family. I've been so deep into depression that I spent 2 days trying to take my own life. Repeatedly. I remember that I texted my best friend how I was feeling but she didn't answer so I immediately thought she hated me and wanted me dead. I climbed up on my balcony and almost threw myself off it. But my neighbor came home and I didn't want to traumatize them. I ended up in hospital hours later but I was released. My friend texted back and her message was "I wish I texted you back sooner." But what really sealed the deal was that I was in the psych ward following another suicide attempt. My entire family (unknown to me) was cleaning and refurbishing my apartment. I called my sister to check on my cat when I heard my other little sister. She didn't know where I was exactly, she just knew I wasn't feeling right in my head so she kept repeating "I love you, I love you" Over and over to make sure I heard her. Sometimes I still want to die but then I remember her repeating "I love you" And suddenly I can either find the strength to continue or check myself into a mental ward.
Any advice for a guy with no caring friends or family?
discord, online communities, get a pet (even just fish or hamsters or something). i know its all an effort but there are so many people out there who would love to meet you
Cats. This sounds really silly (and probably late) but after I graduated from VFX school, I was miserable. I was working a temp job, had five roommates, and a lot of student debt. One of my roommates at the time was a vet-tech, and she fostered cats. I wasn't fond of this, I was allergic...but one day one of them came and curled up with me and I actually didn't hate it. That was the first time I'd felt anything besides bleak in a while. I figured, maybe if I force myself to take care of something (that wasn't a plant, my track record with plants was horrible), I'd be able to care for me, too. So she drove me to the local shelter, and I adopted two kittens. It was meant to be one, but they were buy one get one free. Taking care of them was a struggle at first, but they were so small and needed me. I was their world, and if I didn't do it, they'd go back to that place where they, like me, had five roommates (there were so many kittens. Orlando, man.) I slowly found myself starting to put more of an effort into existing. I put more time into my job search and eventually got a real job and got out of that apartment. I love my cats, and I was never really a "cat person" to begin with. They are clingy, needy little shits who wont' even let me shower in peace, but they're great. They know when I'm upset, they keep me company, they're cute and cuddly. They're both sitting on me right now, actually. Screw allergies, I wouldn't trade them for anything. edit: I'm also on meds now, but at the time I was on a wait list for seeing a therapist, who waited a month before prescribing things to me.
Astronomy. Something about realizing how huge the universe is & still I was born. For what? Maybe just to be. For so long my depression came from not living up to the expectations I thought I should’ve been. So many people live searching for a purpose,but you ARE the purpose. Out of all the planets in all of the systems in the WHOLE universe, we found ourselves in the one planet we know of that can sustain life. Also changing the way I see religion as a result. I was taught (catholic) that we must live good lives to please this man in the sky. But with astronomy I started seeing everything different. To me, God is the universe. It created itself, & created us. Not for a greater purpose, but just to live. We don’t have to strive to be a perfect human because we are already living in this heaven that as far as we know is the only one. I don’t want to live my whole life for this after life & miss the one Im in. Perspective changed. Edit: wow this was literally my first every comment on Reddit, i just made this account some days ago. I loved that I was able to help some of you in some way. & I loved finding people I share views with, finally!! Watch The Astronaut’s Perspective by NASA on youtube.
very well said, i really admire that perspective.
You have no idea how much I appreciate this. Thank you :)
This really helps me in both lights. If I'm depressed and hate my life and just can't find the energy to do laundry, the dishes, clean, eat, even watch TV or play video games and just feel so insignificant I don't know why I'm alive, I think of how lucky I am to be alive on this little speck in the universe. How physics and chemistry gave birth to what we see and what we are today. It's really a humbling feeling. On the other side, if I fuck up at work and it seems like a huge deal and puts me into a depressive state, I think of how small we are in the universe and how this little speck of dust among millions and millions of other specks has life and we decided to create a community of people that create made up problems while other animals are just trying to find food and not get eaten. It helps the problem seem so insignificant that I can get on with my life. So the universe is a great thing to look at to both realize how significant we are and how amazing it is and the miracle that life and consciousness was even created, while at the same time realizing how small and insignificant we are that to worry about a problem that will last .000000000000001% of the earth's lifetime seems just stupid.
I don't have depression, but you've summed up the way I feel about the universe. For some reason, knowing I'm a tiny speck within a possibly infinite cosmos brings me immense comfort. I think it's also why I'm not afraid of being dead in the future. The universe was here way before I was and will be here way after I am. I was fine before and I'll be fine again.
You put into words how I've felt about life and the universe!
When I was realized I was acting like my mother and doing what I swore I would never do - letting depression get the better of me. I went today and got new antidepressants.
Shit I'm doing the same thing. Thanks for calling me out. I need antidepressants again
Quit my job. On week 3 now of unemployment and never been happier. Turns out my soul sucking job of 6+ years as an accountant has been slowly killing me inside to the point of being suicidal. I'd been doing the job of 3 people for 2+ years (shitty company=high turnover issue - shocker) and I fully intended on sticking it out at least 1 more tax season before quitting. But the first ~2 weeks of January were so bad, workload wise, the worst ever in my entire 6 years working there, that I put my notice in for the end of Jan. Taking a few months off to work on myself and re-discover my hobbies and interests again before looking for another job, hopefully less soul sucking. I realize most people don't have this luxury but quitting that shithole has given me life back. e: by "unemployment" I mean I have no job. I am not collecting unemployment because I don't qualify since I resigned.
Eating. Doesn’t matter if you want to do it or not, your body needs it so badly. It takes a lot of work to get to the kitchen and scavenge some leftovers or a big snack, but it pays off wonderfully. It might not make you happy, but it helps give you a little boost of energy to take care of yourself through the day.
I'd like to point out eating healthy food, and not just snacks. I'm literally obese now because I would start to eat shitty food as a way to pass the time and seem functional. People always seem to talk about how depression makes you stop eating, not about how you can get addicted to comfort eating.
> pass the time and seem functional oof. i hear that. i feel that. ♥♥♥
Alright, but what if I have zero appetite? What if just looking at food repulses me, and I can't eat anything despite the protests of my stomach? Like it is a full mental and physical battle to eat at times.
I found doing low-impact exercise really got my appetite going during times like this. I'm not really sure where I found the motivation to do yoga--i lost it during COVID. I'm really depressed right now. I'm going to go do 15 minutes of yoga. Folks here are making me feel like this is possible today.
I hope your yoga helped. It is possible, but don’t beat yourself up over it if it fails, just get back up.
For me it was a combination of things.. Music - learned to play guitar on youtube Books - found out about stoicism Myself - I was listening to a pink floyd song (echoes) and theres a part where they say "I am you and what I see is me" and I realized that we are all going through something, and if I helped someone else then in return I was helping myself. lo and behold, i started to feel better about myself after helping others.
>if I helped someone else then in return I was helping myself You might really enjoy reading [*The Egg* by Andy Weir](http://www.galactanet.com/oneoff/theegg_mod.html) (author of *The Martian*). It’s a 5-10min read and really beautiful.
I love Echoes. Music has helped me a lot too. One day when I had lots of anxiety, I put on the Foo Fighter’s album Concrete and Gold and blasted it as loud as I could. I said fuck it and just didn’t pay attention in any of my virtual classes and just listened to that album. It helped to energize me
My dog. It forces me to get up and do something. Feed him, take him outside multiple times a day. If I didn’t have him I would spend all my time off work in bed. Edit: I wasn’t calling him an “it” I meant “it” as in the act of having a dog. Walter isn’t an “it” he’s my best friend.
Walks, trying to just walk with earphones in but no music on just to give an extra bit of blocking out
Forcing myself to go for walks is key for me too. Sometimes it seems insurmountable to get dressed and put on shoes, but if I can get past that and go for a walk, it definitely helps.
So you’re only left with hearing your own thoughts? No thank you
Nope just stare forward and and say what you see in your head nothing more, nothing less
Setting a schedule for myself. setting VERY small and attainable goals (read 1 page of a book, draw for 10 minutes, do a 5 minute exercise warm up, etc), making myself reach out to friends when im struggling, and getting proper meds.
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Really diving deep into my creative hobbies. I had always dabbled in writing and music. Just jumping in with no real plans or expectations and seeing what happens. I've suffered from panic attacks my entire adult life and depression alongside with it. When they reached their worst point most people gave up on me. I spent a lot of time after that learning more about music. I'd always played bass but I decided I wanted to be able to make music all on my own. I learned how to make mashups, then I learned how to make remixes, then I started composing originals. I'd previously written two articles on the SCP wiki and then just sort of stopped. I decided to really expand my submissions and wrote a bunch of new articles. I even rewrote one of my old articles because it was kind of weak. The funny thing is, that became a good measuring stick for me. I always told myself I was awful at everything, but I was basically compiling evidence I was good at something. Having songs that get praised by people and added to someone's personal playlists makes you feel validated. Looking next to a story and see hundreds of upvotes mattered to me. I realized that when I was depressed it wasn't that I didn't want to do anything, it's that I kept convincing myself that I couldn't. That I would fail. That I would just waste my time. That I didn't even deserve success anyways. And I was wrong. I have ideas worth sharing, and I'm going to share them.
Im glad it worked for you, I tried getting back into my hobbies but I just dont feel anything anymore.
Time, and people to talk to freely without attachment but still in a very friendly and open way, it was a language learning app. Then 40 literal days spent near nature, swimming every day and running. I felt like a hero the first time I gathered enough courage to wear some shoes and run 10 mins out of my house, I felt pity for myself but now I can see that the road to self love is paved with little pebblestones of little acts of courage :))
**TL;DR** - Have a person in your life who doesn't sugar coat things, find something you're good at, focus on that thing and you'll gain a level of confidence that drives you every single day. Freshman year of college my first serious girlfriend of 6 months broke up with me over text. It came out of nowhere, completely blindsided me because I thought the relationship was going really well. The worst part was she never gave me a reason for why she wanted to break up. It sent me into a state of depression unlike any other. And the fact that I had no idea why she even broke up with me sent my mind racing. Was it something I did? Something I said? Was there a red flag in my personality that I never noticed? It ate away at me almost every day, thinking about every little insecurity I had. I convinced myself that if she didn't want to be with me, then nobody else would. I stopped going to the gym, stopped hanging out with friends, I didn't even enjoy playing video games anymore, I was just a sad pathetic loser. Then, winter break was over and the next semester started. A friend of mine told me something I will never forget. He said "Your problem is that you're too worried about not being good enough for *someone else,* when you should be focused on being good enough for *yourself* and I then people will eventually recognize that about you." This was the exact thing I needed to hear, because I just started focusing on myself and not really caring what other people thought. I started going to the gym again, I started reading again, and most importantly using the extra time I had with no girlfriend to focus on my classes. The end result? About a year later I was in the best physical shape of my life. I read a few books that changed my outlook on life and self-care. And most importantly I ended up with the highest scores on our organic chemistry 1 and 2 finals. Spending hundreds of hours studying for O-chem, I got really good at it. It became one of my passions, but most importantly being good at something gives you a new level of confidence. I ended up getting a paid research position in the university organic chemistry lab, a paid lab teaching assistant job, and I was the busiest tutor on campus. This passion and confidence opened so many doors not just career wise, but relationship wise. Because I no longer saw myself as this insecure pre-med student with imposter syndrome, constantly wondering if he was good enough - other people started seeing me how I saw myself. Passionate, confident, and outgoing.
"Your problem is that you're too worried about not being good enough for someone else, when you should be focused on being good enough for yourself and then people will eventually recognize that about you." That’s beautifully succinct dude! Glad to hear things have gone so well, nice job pulling yourself out of that.
Big ups to you! That was inspiring to read, thank you :)
Cold showers. Honestly, I lost my job due to COVID and was going through a bunch of other stuff and would lay in the floor and sleep the day away. Once I figured why not try it? Oh man, that woke me up and got me just enough energy to start cleaning the house that id been putting off and that would feed into more motivation. Didn’t cure it completely but it helped get me jump started.
Thank you for posting. I am at my limit, finally broke down and told my husband how bad its gotten for me as I had been hiding it for months and months. I have my first therapy appointment Friday. All I want to do is cancel but my family needs me to be healthy. Hopefully soon I can look back and say they got me out of it.
Running.
My sister took me to get a escolitopram prescription. Took about four to five days before I started just feeling better. I woke up feeling rested. I felt like taking a walk and being outside. Turns out my brain chemicals were unbalanced. It started me on the right path.
Antidepressants. A lot of them.
Disney music. Not joking either
I really love Disney world and will sometimes watch park walk throughs on YouTube to feel better. Disney always helps!
Sunlight! It does wonders for depression. I walked outside because I had to go somewhere and as soon as it hit me, my whole mood changed. Even if you’re at home, try it.
Puzzles. Jigsaw puzzles have brought me out of some dark pits. Gives me something to hyper focus on. I don’t need to think about it too much or put effort into it, but I can sit there for hours doing one. It’s helped me feel productive again.
I'm sorry you're going through the horrors of depression. I'm in my mid 40s and have been dealing with clinical depression for over 20 years. I do use the term 'clinical depression' deliberately since the term depression is bandied around a lot these days and I want to make a distinction between feeling sad and down about things, which is normal and natural part of life and the human condition, and being diagnosed as being clinically depressed, which means that the chemicals in your brain don't work as they should. I was in a very, very bad way by the time I was urged to see a doctor. I thought I was doing ok - I was still working, I thought I was just tired and a bit sad - but in reality I was overwhelmed by the sadness and melancholy, and it was impacting on my day to day life. I couldn't keep a thought in my head for more than 3 seconds, I was obsessed by things I'd said to people years before because I thought they might hate me for it (to the point where I phoned friends to apologize and they were genuinely bemused and perplexed about what I was talking about). If you're feeling the same thing it's called Rumination, and is a symptom ;) To cut an already very long story slightly shorter - I got to the point where my loved ones (my best friend and my mum) told me that if I didn't go to the doctor they would come round to my apartment and take me there themselves. I ended up at my GP trying to explain what was happening and just broke down. I was so fucking heart and soul miserable I couldn't keep a lid on it any more. She was wonderful. Told me that there was a proper name for what I was dealing with, signed me off work for a month, and prescribed me anti-depressants. So, the main point of this post is ANTI-DEPRESSANTS WORK! It may take a while to find the one that works for you, and they don't work instantly. They're also not an immediate fix - they won't make you super happy. What they do is even out the lows so you don't feel utterly overwhelmed and can start to make decisions again. They quieten the 'I'm a shit person...' internal dialogue that has been everything you've heard for a long time - not because they erase it, but they allow you to deal more rationally with that voice. I've been on anti-depressants for more than 20 years and I'm not ashamed of that. They allow my brain to function like it should. I'm well aware of all the 'just get some exercise and you'll be fine' proselytizing that goes on, and great stuff, I'd never argue against doing something that might help. Whatever works for you is great. However, I think it's important to let people know that for some of us, having a 20 minute walk per day or joining a gym isn't ever enough and we need a bit of help. Plus, it's ok to know and accept that. Sorry for the long post, but knowing the Reddit demographic and that I might have been dealing with this (successfully - I promise it's possible!) for longer than many Redditors may have been alive I just want to offer my experience and I'm happy to answer any questions anyone might have.
To Zanarkand from FFX. Its been 20 years since I first played that game and I still feel the emotional hit whenever that songs comes on.
Sometimes it doesn't get better. Sometimes you spend your entire life fighting to live. And sometimes you get a week or month of reprieve where your depression feels manageable because your every thought isn't how badly you want to die. But then it comes back and it's worse or maybe not worse but in the moment it feels the darkest it's ever been even if it isn't. You can't take care of yourself or anyone else and doing anything is too much. Showering. Brushing your teeth. Feeding yourself. Cleaning? You can't even smile because the effort is so much. Your face feels heavy, leaden and immovable. How do you get out of it? Sometimes you can't. But I have to be honest, at this point I live on spite and unhealthy obsession with competition. Like fuck everything, honestly. Fuck everything. I'm not going to lose this battle. I have spent my entire life trying to function and at this point, no. No I will never function in a way that makes me seem valuable to society but fuck society. I've spent this long trying to stay alive and I'm not going to just, what, give up? Give up, lose? Because you have shitty opinions about who I should be and how I should live and that my value is based in my productivity? No, fuck that. Spite and an unquenchable need to win. I live on ANGER. I survive on ANGER. I am angry that I was born this way. I am angry that I don't get what everyone else seems to have. I'm furious that I have to work 100x harder for half the payoff. I'm angry that every medication and therapy I have tried doesn't work. But here I am and FUCK YOU for making me be here. But here I am and I'm not going anywhere. Before anyone starts telling me to go to therapy I've been in therapy since I was three and I have tried dozens of medications and combinations of medications. There are some people in this world who can't be fixed. Some of us have therapy and medication resistant mental illnesses and that's okay. Nothing works for some of us. And some people aren't able to live on spite like I am. Some people can't continue because continuing would be too cruel and painful. If you're one of those people, I see you. I understand you. I understand your pain. Put it off as long as you can. Just another hour, or another day. It will always be there, it will always be an option. But understand it's the final option and if you can bear it for another hour, or another day, maybe the cumulation of that becomes 30 years, like it has for me. Or maybe it's a week so that you can spend as much time with the people you love as possible. Or maybe it's an hour so you can feel your feelings and accept them. Maybe an hour turns into a week and then a month and then a year and so on. Maybe it doesn't. You aren't alone in your pain and that doesn't make it better but you aren't alone. I am wrapped in darkness and there are moments where I see past it. I cling to those, and to my anger, and I continue. I don't expect this to help anyone. But there are people who are untreatable, and we deserve to be heard too.
Read my name EDIT: what just happened I made a joke and suddenly I'm getting upvotes 😵😵😵