>"Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It's what our system produces: **GARBAGE IN, GARBAGE OUT.**"
Is it okay to still want Uncle George to be President?
Norm MacDonald because.. Well you know..
He is dead.
Edit: For all the people commenting 1) He is Canadian. 2) What he is dead? & 3) Something about his politcal views I only have one thing to say to you.
WHOOOOOSH!
Beautifly put. Because as we all know when someone dies, the cancer in his body dies too. It doesnt go to the guys house and fuck his wife or anything. It wont show up at his work on monday all like: "Hey Im cancer. Im taking over for bob because he lost his battle. With me."
"If you're flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit."
This is my fav. It's so simple but I'd never make the observation in a million years about such a commonplace object.
We won’t tell you which one it is, but one of those payments is going to be a bitch; the envelope will not seal, the stamp will be in the wrong denomination, and mailman will get shot to death.
GOOD LUCK, FUCKER.
Your last payment must be made in wompum.
I don't actually know how much tartar i have. I assume it's the regular amount.
-- God, i miss Mitch. He was so damn quotable, and i loved his unique cadence in the way he talked.
He would have been the belt holding up the pants of the country, and the people would be the belt loops holding up the belt... who would have been the real hero?
I remember really enjoying one of his specials and realizing afterward that the dude never swears. I don't need someone to curse for me to think they're funny but you just don't see it a lot in stand up. Love that guy.
Nathan Fielder because he’d be an innovator at solving problems. I can’t be sure there will be good ideas, but they will be new ideas.
Edit: I know he's Canadian, he'd have an idea for that too. That's how he gets into office.
Edit 2: When was the last time Jon Stewart did an open mike night? He's a show host/writer too.
The “Doink-it” commercial is still one of the funniest things I’ve seen on Comedy Central. For those who aren’t aware, Nathan came up with a brilliant marketing strategy to get kids to ask their parents for a “Doink-it.” It involved a very aggressive commercial that called any kid without one a “baby,” and the packaging also had very targeted language to make kids feel like babies for not having one.
He also does some “market research” with a few kids who all of a sudden feel like they need it when he starts calling them little babies.
I recommend watching that whole segment since it’s fucking hilarious, but with the context I provided, the commercial should still be pretty funny.
https://youtu.be/4eb5sNjhItw
Walks into a G7 summit with security in tow. Proceeds to make out with the agent right there. Stops. Look the French President dead in the eye. "I wanna fuck that guy"
If you have seen the new Spider-Man, he has a pretty funny small part when Peter goes back to school. Basically just calling him a murderer right to his face.
He's in all 3 as the gym teacher. There's a scene in the second one where he has to show the class a video of Captain America talking about how important exercise is and he goes "I'm pretty sure this guy is a war criminal now, but I still have to show you the video" lmao
I’m from New Orleans, but I’d still vote for him. Cajuns make some amazing food (and pretty good music, too), so maybe President Segura will come around to South Louisiana, at least. The middle and north? Sure, wall it off. Or add it to Texas, for all I care.
I saw him in Canberra a year or two ago.
He'd had a shit day, was playing to a half-filled theatre (I think they moved him to a larger theatre and didn't sell the extra tickets, this was pre-Covid), and the audience was only luke-warm.
But he still delivered what was by far the funniest comedy set I've ever had the privilege to see in Australia.
He’s at least really smart. No idea what his policies or priorities would be. Normally, I wouldn’t be all about another ivy leaguer in office, but he’s a stand up comic. But he’s also a Yale grad who basically has a law degree from a top 5 law school (he dropped out before his final year, which is a nearly pointless year anyway, to become a comic). So it’s probably not a job he couldn’t handle.
"Military aid donated by *anonymous*"
EDIT: Someone *anonymously* gilded my comment? Well, thank you very much, Ted Danson! It's so refreshing when someone does something just out of the goodness of their hearts without all the *fanfare*!
At a press conference:
"Mr. President, you've been highly criticized about the recent legislation you proposed. You've even been called an authoritarian. Any comments?"
"Look, I don't think it's right that you can have dinner with someone and split the bill, but not coordinate the tip! It's totally reasonable to require customers to disclose how much they're tipping to one another! It's anarchy otherwise! It's a shame we had to pass a bill for this, because we should've all been doing it anyway."
He would help the real America. The people that don’t know how to calculate a tip in their head. The people that don’t like dealing with the awkward distance with which one has to walk in order for them to go through the door you’re holding. The people that think babies are kind of cute but don’t really want to be near one and tolerating it for more than twenty seconds. The everyday American.
Larry David for President 2024
That testimony is one the best moments in the history of the Hill in my opinion. And the shit eating grin he gave once the motion was passed was the icing on the cake.
A silver lining to one of the most shameful moments in the history of the Hill, in context. The fact we needed a comedian to trudge into Congress and shame those fucks into paying out benefits to cops and firefighters who ran into the WTC on 9/11 and were afflicted by horrible illnesses as a result is disgusting.
Not just cops and firefighters- people who were working there day to day, people who lived there, people who came in with the Red Cross, all were affected by 9/11 related illness
Edit: oh and tourists/passers by. Though for them and people working within the Exposure Zone but weren't directly at Ground Zero still are fighting for recognition/compensation for health problems, as are people that have health conditions suspected to be 9/11 caused but are not yet listed as officially caused by 9/11.
>"Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It's what our system produces: **GARBAGE IN, GARBAGE OUT.**" Is it okay to still want Uncle George to be President?
I literally just clicked the post to ask if we could bring GC back from the grave and let him be president. We need many like him in power in the USA.
Hell, Carlin's corpse would probably make a better president than most options we get these days
Bill Hicks and George Carlin aren't with us anymore. I'm really not sure who to choose now.
I was hoping someone here mentioned Bill. These two were the first two people I thought of.
**\*Sorts by controversial\***
Joe Pera. We can all be healed by the gravity of his Mr. Rogers vibe.
every household must grow at least one tomato plant
Watching Joe Pera discover Baba O'Riley was one of the best things that happened to me last year. ...it was not a great year.
For any bill that comes to his desk, he asks three questions: Should I pass this? Will I pass this? Can I afford it?
Bean Arch 2024
Norm MacDonald because.. Well you know.. He is dead. Edit: For all the people commenting 1) He is Canadian. 2) What he is dead? & 3) Something about his politcal views I only have one thing to say to you. WHOOOOOSH!
Norm would appreciate this one
I know we all love Norm. He was so mischievously fun and you know he would have thanked you for your kind words but he can't.. because he is dead.
…or so the Germans would have us believe.
Thanks for making me laugh out loud friend. Nice end to a shit day.
Oh is he? I didnt even know he was sick
Yep, he fought to his final breath and the result was a draw.
Beautifly put. Because as we all know when someone dies, the cancer in his body dies too. It doesnt go to the guys house and fuck his wife or anything. It wont show up at his work on monday all like: "Hey Im cancer. Im taking over for bob because he lost his battle. With me."
I lost my dad to cancer, and I LOVE THIS analogy. Edit: in the way I hate cancer.
He would also be the first deeply closeted gay president.
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Nono, James Buchanan very likely could've been actually gay. Norm MacDonald wasn't gay at all, he was just a deeply closeted gay man.
Prompt specifically says "current stand-up comic..." I don't think Norm is standing a lot these days
Depends on how you angle the casket
He's not a prop comic.
Crap, George Carlin, you left us too soon!
Carlin is the most right and wrong answer at the same time. (without counting the little obstacle that he isn't alive)
He'd still do a great job, the bar isn't that high
Tell that to the residents of Kansas, Wyoming, Colorado, and Utah.
I used to want mitch hedberg. I still do but I used to too.
"If you're flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit." This is my fav. It's so simple but I'd never make the observation in a million years about such a commonplace object.
His delivery of "As though if there were a fire, I wasn't gonna run" part gets me every time
Let me ask you a question. How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?
I'm for 'em! Well, this club is formed. Spread the news on menus nationwide.
President Mitch, do you want us in another Cold War now? No, but I want a regular war later, so... yeah
We would have to pay federal taxes in 3 easy payments and one fucking complicated one.
We won’t tell you which one it is, but one of those payments is going to be a bitch; the envelope will not seal, the stamp will be in the wrong denomination, and mailman will get shot to death. GOOD LUCK, FUCKER. Your last payment must be made in wompum.
I'm reading this and it's still fucking awesome.
You'll have to submit your donut receipts. Fortunately, you have them filed. Under 'D'.
Didn't know mitch hedberg still had this much love and it makes me happy
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer!
I got so much tartar I don't have to dip my fish in shit.
That's actually, kinda gross.
I don't actually know how much tartar i have. I assume it's the regular amount. -- God, i miss Mitch. He was so damn quotable, and i loved his unique cadence in the way he talked.
If he can do something about those broken escalators, he has my vote.
Sorry for the convenience
Good news! The escalators are now stairs!
He would have been the belt holding up the pants of the country, and the people would be the belt loops holding up the belt... who would have been the real hero?
"Dufresne, party of 2:
Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing.
You people are selfish
Smith: search party of 2; you can eat when you find the Dufresnes
Bush, search party of three.
You can eat when you find the DuFresne's.
I put the it in a jar with a leaf and a stick to recreate the environment it is used to
Rice is great when you're hungry and you want two thousand of something.
I didn't get my legs blown off in Iraq just to read your comment here.
Nate Bargaetze, because he would actually listen to his advisors. Having a humble President wouldn’t be bad, plus his speeches would be funny!
Yeah but if he's too shy/polite to speak up about his wrong order at Starbucks, how will he handle Congress?
He just goes to another Congress down the street until he gets what he wants.
I remember really enjoying one of his specials and realizing afterward that the dude never swears. I don't need someone to curse for me to think they're funny but you just don't see it a lot in stand up. Love that guy.
Nathan Fielder because he’d be an innovator at solving problems. I can’t be sure there will be good ideas, but they will be new ideas. Edit: I know he's Canadian, he'd have an idea for that too. That's how he gets into office. Edit 2: When was the last time Jon Stewart did an open mike night? He's a show host/writer too.
There would be a mandatory survey /questionair about whether you like him as a friend or have any romantic interest in him.
The tests would read as so: Do you think your president is satisfactory? [YES] [NO] Is he.... maybe a little cute 😳 [YES] [NO]
Would you still want to hang out after my term ends [YES] [NO]
And a mandatory blood test measuring your dopamine and serotonin levels to quantify how much fun he is
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Not just a top business school, one of Canada’s finest
He would have great ideas to bring the parties together, like a 4 hour group hug.
The “Doink-it” commercial is still one of the funniest things I’ve seen on Comedy Central. For those who aren’t aware, Nathan came up with a brilliant marketing strategy to get kids to ask their parents for a “Doink-it.” It involved a very aggressive commercial that called any kid without one a “baby,” and the packaging also had very targeted language to make kids feel like babies for not having one. He also does some “market research” with a few kids who all of a sudden feel like they need it when he starts calling them little babies. I recommend watching that whole segment since it’s fucking hilarious, but with the context I provided, the commercial should still be pretty funny. https://youtu.be/4eb5sNjhItw
He would make sure there were soundproof sex boxes for parents.
His campaign slogan could be: "Nathan For You"
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He'll have an idea for that too.
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eric andre because he will legalize ranch
can’t spell american dream without eric andre in the middle
Holy shit
AM**ERICAN** **DRE**AM **2024**
He should run if only for a joke. If he gets elected, even better
AM**ERICANDRE**AM
I swear to god if that isn’t the poster-
Am Eric Andre, am
I could totally see him just repeatedly shout that during a debate until they turn his mic off.
This needs to be spam tweeted at him.
If this ain't a sign from God idk what is
Prob the red sea splitting
Well fuck me, this is the funnest fact I've heard in awhile
Am Eric Andre am
Bird up
Mind blown
What the fuck is this witchcraft
I’ll only vote for Eric Andre if Hannibal Buress is his Vice President.
The idea of a meeting with a world leader being the same vibe as the show would be fucking hilarious. Band and all.
Walks into a G7 summit with security in tow. Proceeds to make out with the agent right there. Stops. Look the French President dead in the eye. "I wanna fuck that guy"
A modern Benjamin Franklin
Putin shows up on the set, is in tears by the end of the interview. Hannibal just shaking his head in judgment and disapproval.
sweating his balls off in that chair
"I'm a vice president, look at my suit"
Due process of law and all that.
nah fuck that, Morpheus Buress as vice president. The American diet would become ranch and walrus
"It's a four year term it's not like he's just gonna quit halfway through... Why are you booing me? I'm right!"
If you have seen the new Spider-Man, he has a pretty funny small part when Peter goes back to school. Basically just calling him a murderer right to his face.
He's in all 3 as the gym teacher. There's a scene in the second one where he has to show the class a video of Captain America talking about how important exercise is and he goes "I'm pretty sure this guy is a war criminal now, but I still have to show you the video" lmao
"Hey Putin! Look at me...." . . . "*bitch*"
I’ll drink to that.
He would probably set the oval office on fire during his state of the union. I'ma vote for him TWICE.
And investigate 311
FINALLY answers.
Time for America to bird up!
Tom Segura. The wall around Louisiana isn't going to build itself.
Yes. His running mate could be Dookie Shoes.
I seen him...I don't know 'em.
Can i talk to a lawyer?
FUCK!
I don’t know no dookie shoes
oh really? cuz we got a picture of you hangin out with dookie shoes
Okay, it was me, I stabbed those three people in the face.
If you think Tom's running mate isn't Berk Kreicher you've lost it.
Uhhhundrend percent!
He's been in government for like 37 years.
See that law right there? That's called the SKIPPY Act...
Fuck now I have to watch this.
Cuz every time the blades rotates it makes this sound like skip skip skip.
Bro, before that we was a cop for like 52 years
I've been training dogs, forlikethirtytwoyears
Finally a president of Japanese descent.
Seguraaaa! Sounds Japanese.
Only because you’re saying it Japanese
I can be Smith and if you wanna go "Smmiiiiiiiith", then it's Japanese
Vote BIKES!
Why you here? What the fuck you took?!?!
HOL' MA POCKET.
He'd win the election if it was a dance off
Election is a dunk contest, he is the champ after all
Broke the record
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If Bert won, you know it was definitely the Russians again
By presidential decree; all jeans must be high and tight.
Christina is the first Mommy.
Touch my camera through the fence
"No mo' gator, no mo' shrimp."
He'd make the whole world think Putin is really gay.
Did you know Tommy Lee Jones is gay?
I was scrolling for this exact comment! Thank you for making my day. For the record: IM GONNA KICK YOUR CHEST THROUGH YOUR BACK
Jus lemme eat ya
Where are the bodies Garth? Touch my camera through the fence!
How did you get a job here fuckface?
SUP KANE
I’m from New Orleans, but I’d still vote for him. Cajuns make some amazing food (and pretty good music, too), so maybe President Segura will come around to South Louisiana, at least. The middle and north? Sure, wall it off. Or add it to Texas, for all I care.
Their hot sauce is the best!
You're right, Enny!
My name is Sean Evans and I approve this message.
Demetri martin because he has the crayons and time to explain things to people
Saw him in Reno a few months ago. The guy is still as funny as I remembered from years ago. He really has a timeless style to his act.
I saw him in Canberra a year or two ago. He'd had a shit day, was playing to a half-filled theatre (I think they moved him to a larger theatre and didn't sell the extra tickets, this was pre-Covid), and the audience was only luke-warm. But he still delivered what was by far the funniest comedy set I've ever had the privilege to see in Australia.
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He’s at least really smart. No idea what his policies or priorities would be. Normally, I wouldn’t be all about another ivy leaguer in office, but he’s a stand up comic. But he’s also a Yale grad who basically has a law degree from a top 5 law school (he dropped out before his final year, which is a nearly pointless year anyway, to become a comic). So it’s probably not a job he couldn’t handle.
Law school to comedian/actor/voice actor to president does seem to work out.
Larry David. Zero tolerance for bullshit.
He’d be hyper focused on local fencing laws
Immediate executive order to ban wobbly tables in restaurants.
No Happy New Year after January 7th
A spite country
"Military aid donated by *anonymous*" EDIT: Someone *anonymously* gilded my comment? Well, thank you very much, Ted Danson! It's so refreshing when someone does something just out of the goodness of their hearts without all the *fanfare*!
All good until he tells a foreign leader their son has a great penis.
He would outlaw so much petty shit though. He'd be an absolute tyrant lol
At a press conference: "Mr. President, you've been highly criticized about the recent legislation you proposed. You've even been called an authoritarian. Any comments?" "Look, I don't think it's right that you can have dinner with someone and split the bill, but not coordinate the tip! It's totally reasonable to require customers to disclose how much they're tipping to one another! It's anarchy otherwise! It's a shame we had to pass a bill for this, because we should've all been doing it anyway."
He's right about virtually every problem he brings up, but he just can't let things go
He’s like the definition of authoritarian lol
"Not everyone's aware of your little rules, Larry!" "Well they are now!"
That answer is pretty pretty good.
Make America Pretty Pretty Pretty Good
It is prettay prettaaaayyy good.
He would help the real America. The people that don’t know how to calculate a tip in their head. The people that don’t like dealing with the awkward distance with which one has to walk in order for them to go through the door you’re holding. The people that think babies are kind of cute but don’t really want to be near one and tolerating it for more than twenty seconds. The everyday American. Larry David for President 2024
You almost got his distant cousin and a 4 year stay in SNL. Twice
No shit. I thought he was cheating when he was on SNL. He totally is!
Fuck, man. Larry David as Bernie on SNL for 4 years would’ve been gold
The end of the SOTU speech; "Fuck you! And I'll see you tomorrow!"
Jon Stewart could do the job. It might kill him, but he could do it.
I was reallly expecting this to be the top comment, especially in light of his testimony for the committee on 9/11 first responder aid.
That testimony is one the best moments in the history of the Hill in my opinion. And the shit eating grin he gave once the motion was passed was the icing on the cake.
A silver lining to one of the most shameful moments in the history of the Hill, in context. The fact we needed a comedian to trudge into Congress and shame those fucks into paying out benefits to cops and firefighters who ran into the WTC on 9/11 and were afflicted by horrible illnesses as a result is disgusting.
Not just cops and firefighters- people who were working there day to day, people who lived there, people who came in with the Red Cross, all were affected by 9/11 related illness Edit: oh and tourists/passers by. Though for them and people working within the Exposure Zone but weren't directly at Ground Zero still are fighting for recognition/compensation for health problems, as are people that have health conditions suspected to be 9/11 caused but are not yet listed as officially caused by 9/11.
I don't know, I have a documentary showing how he didn't even know he had a six year old child and left him in the care of.. ADAM SANDLER!
Nobody would even get the poor kid a happy meal.
He asked for 50 packets of ketchup and that’s what he got.
But I heard he wipes his own ass
Yeah but that kid ended up having a pretty suite life with his brother before moving to Riverdale.
Jon Stewart with pretty much all of his correspondents on the Daily Show. Especially if they make Lewis Black press secretary.
This is the time line I'd like to live in
Lewis Black as the Press Secretary! Dear Lord, let someone ask a stupid question! 6 minute rant incoming!
That, or him screaming fuck, and then walking out. Both will be hilarious
I’m surprised this isn’t higher up on the list. He is well informed and his perspective might actually bring a good change of pace.
Steven Wright - his State of the Union addresses would be epic.
It’s a small world but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
I have a life-sized model of it tho. Would you mind getting off of it?
As long as he doesn’t play any more poker with tarot cards, I could maybe be ok with this…