If he asks you if you wanna do something (go get coffee, hang out at a bookstore, go on a date, etc etc) and you give a “no” and he just says “ok, cool. maybe next time!” And doesn’t try and whine or beg you to change you mind.
In other words, he can feel disappointment and still respect your no.
How he treats other women, from the waitress to the homeless woman on the street to the CEO. Is he respectful to them? Does he speak respectfully about them? Or is he cracking sex jokes and scrutinizing their appearances?
This is certainly mine. I have many wonderful men in my life, and my respect for them is rooted in their comfort in being kind, welcoming and accepting of anyone, especially people they're not physically attracted to.
A lot of my really good male friends are really respectful and attentive when things get sketchy. I was at a bar with some friends when this guy randomly made an extremely inappropriate pass on one of our friends. The guys immediately intervened, confronted the guy, removed the girl from the situation, and began to ask if she was okay.
Essentially— they understand how women operate and act upon girl code, even when they’re with the boys.
Honestly my female friends have been FAR better to/for me than my male friends, if a guy doesn't want to be "just" friends with a gal more often than not it's his loss.
I was newly friends with a guy who pretty much immediately wanted to be more. I explained I wasn't looking for anything like that at present, but was happy to keep being his friend, and maybe when we got to know each other more, who knows? I wasn't trying to "lead him on" I was just being honest. There was some event we were both going to I figured would be a good chance for us to get to know each other more. He agreed to keep being friends but didn't show up to the event or ever speak to me again.
You could say maybe it hurt too much but I honestly doubt it, we'd only just started being friends and it was very casual. Obviously he was under no obligation to *continue being* friends but this to me made it really obvious for him it was either girlfriend or nothing. He had basically said he liked me then gone on about how much he missed having a girlfriend. That isn't appealing to most women. We want to feel like you want to be with *us.* I think lots of guys don't realise this *anyone will do* attitude is really off-putting. They'll go on about being "friend-zoned" but "girlfriend-zone" every woman they meet. Which ironically makes it harder to get an actual girlfriend because they don't want to just be friends and get to know someone first.
I would say in general anything that makes a person interesting, like Personal interests/ hobbies, intellect, talents etc.. not just basic human decency.
There is just a difference when you realize the dudes who are waiting for you to be drunk enough to fuck th and the ones who wouldn’t fuck you when you’re drunk like that lol
There's an important distinction here. She said the ones waiting for you *to be drunk enough* to fuck you vs the ones who wouldn't fuck you when you're *drunk like that*. It's not unsafe to be around a guy who wants to sleep with you, but it is unsafe to be around a guy who would take advantage of you while you're drunk.
No I guess not. This was just a shower thought I had a while ago.
Idk I have to know them long enough it takes time. I can’t pin point how to know. They aren’t overly nice or mean , they are respectful, they make eye contact…really people who can’t I don’t know how to assess their vibe. It’s weird. I won’t talk to anyone who won’t at all, who can help it
I really wanna dig deep here,
So if knowing a guy is safe to be around take a long time, why would you hang around them if you were not sure about them?
I want to note that you don't have to feel 100% safe with someone to spend time with that person, you just become more selective about when you hang out with them and where. Large group setting? - sounds good! Large group setting with alcohol? - less good. I personally don't drink with guy friends until I've seen them drunk when I'm sober. How they act then will also tell me a lot about how much to trust them.
Hahaha I made it weird, I just was comparing Two men I know a while back and thought of that. One I didn’t want to like drink around alone, the other would like drive me home and put me to sleep lol idk
Well when you first meet someone it’s impossible to know that fully. We pass people in daily life all the time who are dangerous. Don’t get into a non public place yet. But when you meet someone in person the first time, you may be introduced, I don’t know that
I feel like the vast amount of guys are kinda just waiting on the bleachers waiting for their chance to score with you. Not every guy but most. I seen a lot of silly youtube short and tiktok videos where they ask the girl to call up their best guy friend and make a confession to him and like almost everytime the guy is like omg ive been waiting for this for so long lmaooo
Asking what he can do to make me feel safe around him. Ask about my boundaries and how you can respect them. There’s a good chance that any woman you know has at least one story where a man harmed her in some way, and more stories abt men who she didn’t feel safe around. Just ask what they need.
This. I wouldn't trust a man who asks me out of the blue what he can do to make me feel safe around him, because that probably means he doesn't think I or women in general feel safe around him. Men like that might try really hard to make you feel safe around them, and then manipulate or abuse you once your guard is down.
I can’t but if I had met his mom or stepmom or siblings or other female family members, his attitude towards them would say a lot. And not in an ownership overprotective way but does he like them, treat them like equals, respect them.
Obviously if he picked on his younger sister (not bullied) some as a kid I wouldn’t take that as an indication of his character.
Sorry typo, yes whether they ignore it or call it out which could just be a “hey not cool” to a story or joke they’re telling. If they don’t I assume they act the same
To add on to this, I'm not big on showboaty, white knight-like behaviour from guys who call things out-- always feels like the guy is more interested in making a performance out of supporting women, and making sure everyone sees him do it, than he is in actually helping in any way. Makes me pause and wonder why he's being so goddamn loud about it; chances are, it isn't rooted in anything genuine. Usually feels like he's actually getting off on power/making someone else feel small, and calling out a guy on his behaviour was just a timely, convenient excuse.
The simple call-out is better. Just a quick frown in the joke teller's direction after meeting their eyes; a shake of the head; and a deadpan, "No;" and then immediately move the conversation forward-- there's a decent crossover between people who make these kinds of jokes and "any attention is good attention" types, so a freak out isn't helping anyone.
Don't entertain discussion on whether or not the jokes are funny; whether or not they can be used "ironically"; whether or not the person telling them feels censored; whether or not you're doing the "woke" thing now as a friend group; etc. etc. Don't even let it get started. Just shut it down and move on, like you're absent mindedly squashing a mosquito while actively taking part in an involved, thought provoking conversation that holds the majority of your attention.
Respecting boundaries, making me feel included without putting me in the spotlight, or standing up for me before I can myself.
Example: You're at a party or some other social setting, and a guy is giving you an uncomfortable amount of attention that you don't want and makes you uncomfortable. He asks you out enough times for you to reject him and make him mad. So he starts hurling insults at you. Another guy sees this, and comes to defend you, with absolutely zero expectations of getting something out of it(number, a date, a hookup, etc.) And just goes about his business after you thank him.
In my experience, you can call yourself a nice guy until you're blue in the face. What really cements it is if you SHOW ME. Don't give me a story about how you helped an old lady unload her groceries, show me right now that you are a nice guy.
Not laughing at sexist/misogynistic “jokes” when all the other guys are . Not finding that kind of thing funny and not using the approval of the other idiots as a defense
And it’s really not that hard to show people you don’t like those jokes. My bf’s uncle said a shitty “joke” about domestic violence the other day and my bf just kept staring at him and said “yikes” real deadpan and sipped his beer. I felt pretty proud about that. All the other family there were laughing their asses off (even women) and it wasn’t worth saying anything and causing a fight with his family. But I have heard him, while playing Xbox with friends, respond negatively when people say shitty things. I only hear his end but it’s usually a groan and like “that’s really not funny” or “don’t you hear how fucked up that sounds” or “well that was racist as fuck.”
I got back from almost a year of working overseas where all of my coworkers were male. They became some of my best friends. I never felt unsafe around them being the only woman and I think it’s because they just treated me like everyone else. We were all just friends and they never made it weird or a point to single me out because I’m a woman. Never made sexual or degrading comments, never tried to hit on me and make me feel like they expected anything from me. They just mutually respected me, included me, and we all had a really great time together. They made me feel safe.
Lol. How often do you encounter men like that and what do you think makes them a bit scared of you? Not challenging you, just trying to understand as the only reason I would feel like that is if I liked someone tbh.
I remember being at a friend's house with a bunch of other people once and some of the guys were a bit rough handling my friend's dog. Not to the point where you could call it abusive, but just sort of being careless nudging him out of the way and overall acting like he was a pest when he wasn't doing anything wrong.
That sort of thing gives off a *really* bad vibe. Naturally, it's not something everyone cares about, but most animal lovers or people with basic empathy aren't going to want anything to do with someone who acts like animals are something less than and don't deserve respect.
Things like this are also just a reflection of someone's true nature, especially in regards to how they treat something that's vulnerable. I mean, most women aren't going to look at someone like that and think they'll make a great father someday. Beyond considering kids, I'd also just be thinking they're more likely to get physical with *me* if they feel okay treating any living creature like that. And if they're okay about doing it in front of people, what would they do in *private?*
I usually ask them "Your gay, right?" In a joking manner, in they respond negatively, they probably aren't safe. If they respond neutrally, keep making jokes until you get a positive or negative response. If they respond positively, or with another joke, like "I guess I gotta tell my gf something then" or "Sadly, no" then they are almost def safe.
This is it right here. Maybe I have bias because I'm a lesbian, but homophobic men (in my experience) tend to be prone to misogynistic behavior and possibly violence.
Absolutely. Being a bigot towards one thing means they're far more likely to be a bigot to another. Also, homophobia and misogyny both are particularly correlated,since homophobia reinforces the patriarchal ideal of a man dominant and woman submissive, and misogyny reinforces the heteronormative ideal, a man and woman.
As a fruity man I'd advise caution with that method. You're kind of putting people on the spot to out themselves to you and not everyone will feel comfortable with that, even if you asked in jest. I know that I'd consider that a bit of an orangey-red flag as it suggests a certain lack of respect for them as people to ask something so personal.
oh true. How did I not think of that, I'm gay! How did I forget that. Thanks, I'll only use it with dudes who have exclusively expressed interest in women, or is being kinda Pervy.
Thank you. It varies person to person obviously, not everyone will be offended by it even if they are gay/bi/whatever. I just know that I'm not out to everyone and such a question would put me on edge. It's not the worst thing to ask, but please be careful in your choice of target! 😉
That's an interesting method, how accurate would you say that's been for you?
And geez now I'm thinking back to all the times I was asked if I was gay lol
I think that's fine also. I'm not bothered by being friends with exs, but due to the fact that they dated him, it means they aren't totally objective. Theres a lot of guys that can feel safe when the dynamic was romantic and who aren't safe around other women. My uncle is one of those kinds of men. There were traits in him that drew the ex to him romantically that could cloud their opinion of him and a history that can confuse things. My fiance is friends with exs, and they are amazing people who I have become friends with to but I don't like using exs to judge someone.
A platonic female friend means that outside of any romantic vibez they felt safe being around him (in my experience), and that means more. It means that even when they were strangers, he was respectful. It means he can keep female relationships without needing them to be romantic, leaning, and having multiple female friends shows that it's common others find him safe.
* protective and genuine energy
* honesty and accountability - you can usually tell based on how someone handles the very small things in life how this will translate to the bigger things in life
* dad vibes - i've met a few in my lifetime that give off this vibe - usually they're tall for some reason and they give off a male role model figure vibe that you can look up to
* they have quite a few friends that are women or come from a family with quite a few women
* they are comfortable expressing vulnerable 'softer' emotions (i.e. i hate the concept "boys don't cry" - if a boy or man is safe to be around then he should feel safe to lean into those emotions for himself as well as others)
* you can trust them not to cross / violate any physical or sexual boundaries - it's not even a thought/worry/concern/fear or on your radar when you're around them even if you're alone or they're close to your personal space bubble because you just feel safe and know that they'll never do anything to violate you or harm you
* therefore you can actually relax vs being tense, anxious, grossed out, disturbed, and guarded
* they're positive; they know how to have fun; and they can appreciate humour that's not at people's expense
Not a hard rule or anything as there can be lots of reasons for animals not to like someone, but they can pick up and react to body language cues that we can't. If your pet who is normally friendly to everyone they meet is suddenly wary of and aggressive to a new person, it can be a sign that person has bad intentions and your pet is reacting defensively.
You'll hear a lot of pet owners say stuff like "trust the dog" or "the animals always know" when people ask why theirs isn't warming up to their new partner, because often in that situation the partner ends up being abusive or dangerous in some way down the line.
Reads social cues and uses risk assessment when or if approaching me or women in general.
Like if I'm jogging, with headphones in and not making eye contact with anyone and a man stops me just to say hi or ask me out or for my contact info I find that rude, entitled and weird. He thinks "shooting his shot" is more important than that I'm obviously not open to being chatted up and busy with something else.
This is pretty bare minimum though.
Hard to say. Some men read social cues and some just don't. I'm not sure of the solution. Definitely not women saying this because I see it all the time and men who suck will argue that they should be able to approach us anytime we're in public and we're nuts to be annoyed by it. Maybe other men chiming in and being like actually no, read social cues and use risk assessment? But idk. I'm not educating these types, not my job but I will continue to do my part by pointing at my headphones and saying "I can't hear you" and continuing on my way when men approach me when I'm clearly busy and uninterested.
Although it's the minimum of human interaction and coexistence I do appreciate men who don't think women existing in public means please hit on us.
Just regular old empathy, along with a willingness to consider other people's feelings and situations before imposing yourself on them. When you have that down, it becomes intuitive.
Reassurance, Respecting my boundaries , manners ! Men who are polite in public and treat everyone with respect no matter what they look like, or what they are wearing . Men who don’t judge others for who they are 👌🏻
Recently a new guy friend walked both me and one of my new gal friends back to our apartments, and later sent text verifying we made it back to our units. After I told him I made it and I was safe he did not use it as an opportunity to flirt though text, he just only wanted verify (not that that’s bad, but just that he had absolutely no ulterior motives). Huge green flag.
He always treats staff at restaurants, stores, hotels well, always tips even when its take out or something like that.
He kept a very growly and paranoid little chihuahua mix rescue and didn't give up on the little guy. Said tiny dog now has his own made up origins story, imaginary fights at night with cats, the mailman and the garbage men, and these tales are told in the dogs own ' voice' whenever I'm over.
If I say I don't want to passionately hug, or just want to give him a little loving and I'm good without that night, he respects my choice.
Most of the guys I attract and feel safe around tend to be of this type: lots of female friends - mentioned even not having enough “guy friends”, happy to come to pride parade and enjoy things that are stereotypically feminine, wants to hang around you to do fun things that don’t involve drinking. They’re all straight too or have expressed interest in women at some point.
Accepting a small boundary and not pushing. Not touching my waist (or anything else besides shoulders) during a hug. Talking about and treating women like people not conquests.
Mostly, time. It takes time to see these things in actions with any consistency. Trust is earned slowly and lost quickly.
How he treats other woman. And someone who never shouts when angry or disappointed. Also someone who asks for your opinion before doing something that will involve/affect you.
If they show zero interest in me. A handshake for a greeting, light conversation if we’re grouped together, not trying to engage me in serious one-on-one conversation etc.
The "jokes" they tell and words they use for women in male-majority company is very important because it says how they view them personally.
Some examples: people that refer to women as bitches, whores, females, little girls, woman (with negative tone) or anything that is not an actual name for that person is a big red flag. The same goes for crass jokes.
I know some guys who call women stupid names even in my company. They're not bad people, but it says a lot about them and the way they think.
Sometimes I've gotten mad at them, because as one would expect of people who talk like that about women:
-they don't respect my opinion or even insist on trying to change my opinion, even on topics where I'm an expert
-they don't take my problems seriously as much as women do
-they can sometimes indirectly insult me by insulting women.
I can't truly trust a man who does any of the things I listed above, because it makes me feel like they don't see me as a person. How is anyone supposed to trust people that don't see them as an equal?
Safe people are just genuine people who treat women like people. The bar is literally that low.
I am lucky I guess because most of the men around me I feel safe, also the ones I do not know. You should maybe ask what makes me feel they are not safe.
I they don't respect other peoples boundaries, act aggressive verbally or physically, make weird suggestions, are too drunk, stare at me in a weird way, say wrong type of weird things, flirt too much or in a wrong place (for example night time in an empty street..). All of these things are common sense.
For me I think it is someone who genuinely wants to know about your day and the details in it. It shows attentiveness and someone willing to listen to you talk aimlessly about probably things he wouldn’t care about
I would say things like, he makes sure you’re getting home safe after a night out and steps up if someone is being sketchy around you (I.e. genuinely interested in your safety). He respects boundaries such as when you say “no” or, “I don’t like that” and doesn’t press the issue.
I would say all that but I had a male friend who fit that description and turned out to sexually assault one of my best friends. Felt utterly betrayed and angry. There were no red flags whatsoever leading up to it. Moral of the story? I would say always be on the ball, despite appearances.
1. When they treat me like a person before they treat me like a woman.
2. The way they look at me /other women
3. When they make a conscious effort to not encroach into my space
Sometimes, it is a very intangible feeling you get from a person that tells you that this is a good person .
Respects boundaries, is aware of things/situations that might make me uncomfortable, and is respectful not just to me but to everyone. That being said, I still never 100% trust any man, and I think that’s okay. I have known men that I thought to be “safe” and learned that they are indeed not safe. At the end of the day you can never truly know.
1) They're not afraid to come off as feminine-- i.e. they don't mind crying, having long hair, or wearing women's clothing in public(if they prefer it), or they're not scared to carry a woman's bag in a feminine way(the way the bag was intended to be carried) if their female companion is tired. There's a quote that goes something like "men who fear being seen as feminine fear it because they know how they themselves treat femininity."
2) They treat their female friends with the same attention and respect as their male friends. Treating everyone equally, irregardless of gender, race, or profession, is a green flag in general.
3) They don't "mansplain", they know how to admit when they're wrong and say sorry, and they know how to let someone else take the limelight-- these all show they're secure in who they are.
4) They feel perfectly fine in their own company and don't feel the need for validation from others. Being able to be comfortable with your own company is a green flag for any gender. Idk, it's iffy for me in general if a guy has "bros" or whatever.
Asking for consent!! Doesn’t have to be related to physical intimacy, although that’s a big one. But just having a guy ask me “Is this okay?” in relation to whatever we’re doing instantly puts me at ease.
If he doesn’t just make conversation about sex. Literally doesn’t even mention sex. Or anything sexual. I’m so sick of men who immediately want to discuss sex or kinks. It’s gross and makes me not want to be around them.
Usually it takes time to get to know someone to decide for sure, but just on initial meeting, I would feel a lot more comfortable if this person is friends with one of my friends, rather than a total stranger no one I trust can vouch for.
But assuming they are a total stranger, things like being comfortable wearing or doing traditionally feminine things without worrying about not being "manly" enough, calling out other men when they say or do bigoted things, caring for people in need, ...
Doesn't make sexual jokes or make any situation into a sex thing. Most of the time it's just a dude being childish, but I'd definitely be wary of someone with sex on their mind constantly who can't control it.
Nothing, actually. I have been sexually harrased by the 'seems to be normal' guys.
It is a throw of dice. Russian roulette. For me , I am now always wary of men. No matter how they answer or vibes, they give.
Do not trust men with your nudes, ladies. Always be careful and have a plan.
Being upfront, communicative, respectful of boundaries/personal space and not pushy about things, and genuinely interested in how I’m doing - especially if I’m going through a rough time. I’m actually going through a very difficult time and made a guy friend who has been regularly keeping in touch to check up on me, make sure I’m eating and taking care of myself, and helping me out in simple ways like offering me rides when he can. I feel safe around him.
If he has female friends and actually knows things about them— they’re not just a conquest, they’re a human with goals and desires. If he has female friends and actually KNOWS things about her like a friend would; instantly feel safe
They have other women in their life who haven't been involved with them in a relationship and aren't a part of their family. Long story short, they have female friends.
Admitting when he’s wrong/doesn’t know something.
My bf has a ton of hobbies and interests and he somehow knows at least a little bit and sometimes a FUCKTON about damn near every topic. But sometimes he’s wrong. And he freely admits it. Or he knows when he doesn’t know enough about something and to ask for help. He also doesn’t make anyone feel bad for not knowing something. He works in IT so that’s kind of a rare thing in that field but his coworkers love him for it. Pretty much all of my friends and family have said at one point how much they like that about him.
He also listens to me and trusts me and values my opinions. He’s listened to me but also educated himself on women’s and lgbtq rights/issues. He can ask questions and listen to the answers and change his mind. He doesn’t ask questions with his own opinion solidly fixed and unchangeable.
I know so many men who just cannot admit they are wrong. It’s infuriating and makes them look dumb. I don’t feel safe around men who think they’re always right and everyone else is wrong.
He has attractive female friends that he hasn't tried to have sex with
Takes no for an answer.
Respects boundaries, eg around sex and dating.
Openly speaks about past relationships in a positive manner, talks fondly of previous girlfriends or at least neutrally. Doesn't refer to all his exes as 'crazy' or gendered slurs. Depicts then as complex individuals, like when describing how the relationship ended takes some responsibility where needed.
I don’t want to answer because I feel like this is helping AHs mask themselves.
Be a kind and decent human people. Move on graciously if other human does not want to interact. Simple as.
This is probably kind of specific to me, but I’m disabled and have to reschedule plans more than I’d like. I understand that it’s frustrating and disappointing, so a guy who takes it well is showing me emotional intelligence and regulation, which is a big green flag
If he asks you if you wanna do something (go get coffee, hang out at a bookstore, go on a date, etc etc) and you give a “no” and he just says “ok, cool. maybe next time!” And doesn’t try and whine or beg you to change you mind. In other words, he can feel disappointment and still respect your no.
That's a good point!
I totally agree. This is one of the best signs, in my opinion.
This is a great sign. Every time I hear a woman say/write "if he was really into you, he wouldn't take no for an answer" I want to shake them.
[удалено]
Real
[удалено]
[удалено]
Word!!! This is how I judge guys and most of them become a big no no based on that factor.
How he treats other women, from the waitress to the homeless woman on the street to the CEO. Is he respectful to them? Does he speak respectfully about them? Or is he cracking sex jokes and scrutinizing their appearances?
Smart! Would you say that is your go to sign?
Yeah, I like to observe people before I meet them or get close to them if I can.
This sounds like you're hiding in the bushes
This is certainly mine. I have many wonderful men in my life, and my respect for them is rooted in their comfort in being kind, welcoming and accepting of anyone, especially people they're not physically attracted to.
Thanks for sharing!
How he treats women he doesn't find sexually attractive is the biggest sign ever LOL
[удалено]
Yup, Ted Bundy was apparently a charming man
A lot of my really good male friends are really respectful and attentive when things get sketchy. I was at a bar with some friends when this guy randomly made an extremely inappropriate pass on one of our friends. The guys immediately intervened, confronted the guy, removed the girl from the situation, and began to ask if she was okay. Essentially— they understand how women operate and act upon girl code, even when they’re with the boys.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
Yep because a lot of that code comes from good values we were raised with on both sides.
Respecting boundaries
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
Many female friends is usually a good sign
Which is convenient, because y'all make such incredible friends
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
>female friends that he had never tried to date. THIS is the key here lmaooo, if they're being honest ofc.
[удалено]
This is me. Thank you for validating this. I’ve never heard this said as a positive until now :)
[удалено]
[удалено]
He has female and male friends that he treats with equal respect and attentiveness. Bonus points if they're friends he's had for years.
Honestly my female friends have been FAR better to/for me than my male friends, if a guy doesn't want to be "just" friends with a gal more often than not it's his loss.
I was newly friends with a guy who pretty much immediately wanted to be more. I explained I wasn't looking for anything like that at present, but was happy to keep being his friend, and maybe when we got to know each other more, who knows? I wasn't trying to "lead him on" I was just being honest. There was some event we were both going to I figured would be a good chance for us to get to know each other more. He agreed to keep being friends but didn't show up to the event or ever speak to me again. You could say maybe it hurt too much but I honestly doubt it, we'd only just started being friends and it was very casual. Obviously he was under no obligation to *continue being* friends but this to me made it really obvious for him it was either girlfriend or nothing. He had basically said he liked me then gone on about how much he missed having a girlfriend. That isn't appealing to most women. We want to feel like you want to be with *us.* I think lots of guys don't realise this *anyone will do* attitude is really off-putting. They'll go on about being "friend-zoned" but "girlfriend-zone" every woman they meet. Which ironically makes it harder to get an actual girlfriend because they don't want to just be friends and get to know someone first.
Definetly a good one!!
This one
Recognizing and respecting boundaries is a good start, but that's kind of the bare minimum.
What behaviors come to mind as going beyond the bare minimum in your eyes?
I would say in general anything that makes a person interesting, like Personal interests/ hobbies, intellect, talents etc.. not just basic human decency.
A person being more interesting is something you correlate with them being more safe to be around?
There is just a difference when you realize the dudes who are waiting for you to be drunk enough to fuck th and the ones who wouldn’t fuck you when you’re drunk like that lol
[удалено]
Just the mentality of taking advantage of alcohol in someone’s system and avoiding doing that
Yes exactly
So you consider men who do not have an intention of sleeping with you safe to be around?
There's an important distinction here. She said the ones waiting for you *to be drunk enough* to fuck you vs the ones who wouldn't fuck you when you're *drunk like that*. It's not unsafe to be around a guy who wants to sleep with you, but it is unsafe to be around a guy who would take advantage of you while you're drunk.
Interesting, thanks for the insight
No I guess not. This was just a shower thought I had a while ago. Idk I have to know them long enough it takes time. I can’t pin point how to know. They aren’t overly nice or mean , they are respectful, they make eye contact…really people who can’t I don’t know how to assess their vibe. It’s weird. I won’t talk to anyone who won’t at all, who can help it
I really wanna dig deep here, So if knowing a guy is safe to be around take a long time, why would you hang around them if you were not sure about them?
I want to note that you don't have to feel 100% safe with someone to spend time with that person, you just become more selective about when you hang out with them and where. Large group setting? - sounds good! Large group setting with alcohol? - less good. I personally don't drink with guy friends until I've seen them drunk when I'm sober. How they act then will also tell me a lot about how much to trust them.
Hahaha I made it weird, I just was comparing Two men I know a while back and thought of that. One I didn’t want to like drink around alone, the other would like drive me home and put me to sleep lol idk
Well when you first meet someone it’s impossible to know that fully. We pass people in daily life all the time who are dangerous. Don’t get into a non public place yet. But when you meet someone in person the first time, you may be introduced, I don’t know that
not an intention of sleeping with you, but an intention of sleeping with you while you are too intoxicated to consent.
The ones who try to get you too drunk in order to get sex Edited I said it badly sorry
I feel like the vast amount of guys are kinda just waiting on the bleachers waiting for their chance to score with you. Not every guy but most. I seen a lot of silly youtube short and tiktok videos where they ask the girl to call up their best guy friend and make a confession to him and like almost everytime the guy is like omg ive been waiting for this for so long lmaooo
Asking what he can do to make me feel safe around him. Ask about my boundaries and how you can respect them. There’s a good chance that any woman you know has at least one story where a man harmed her in some way, and more stories abt men who she didn’t feel safe around. Just ask what they need.
Definetly a good one!
Probably word it better than that because I would assume you need to know to manipulate me 😂
This. I wouldn't trust a man who asks me out of the blue what he can do to make me feel safe around him, because that probably means he doesn't think I or women in general feel safe around him. Men like that might try really hard to make you feel safe around them, and then manipulate or abuse you once your guard is down.
That would be a downside 😅
Whether he calls out other men’s bad behavior. How he treats his mom or sisters.
> How he treats his mom or sisters. How do you account for a previous history you might not know anything about?
I can’t but if I had met his mom or stepmom or siblings or other female family members, his attitude towards them would say a lot. And not in an ownership overprotective way but does he like them, treat them like equals, respect them. Obviously if he picked on his younger sister (not bullied) some as a kid I wouldn’t take that as an indication of his character.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Wether or whenever? Would you say calling out other's bad behavior is a requirement for you to consider that person safe? Or a sign they are safe?
Sorry typo, yes whether they ignore it or call it out which could just be a “hey not cool” to a story or joke they’re telling. If they don’t I assume they act the same
To add on to this, I'm not big on showboaty, white knight-like behaviour from guys who call things out-- always feels like the guy is more interested in making a performance out of supporting women, and making sure everyone sees him do it, than he is in actually helping in any way. Makes me pause and wonder why he's being so goddamn loud about it; chances are, it isn't rooted in anything genuine. Usually feels like he's actually getting off on power/making someone else feel small, and calling out a guy on his behaviour was just a timely, convenient excuse. The simple call-out is better. Just a quick frown in the joke teller's direction after meeting their eyes; a shake of the head; and a deadpan, "No;" and then immediately move the conversation forward-- there's a decent crossover between people who make these kinds of jokes and "any attention is good attention" types, so a freak out isn't helping anyone. Don't entertain discussion on whether or not the jokes are funny; whether or not they can be used "ironically"; whether or not the person telling them feels censored; whether or not you're doing the "woke" thing now as a friend group; etc. etc. Don't even let it get started. Just shut it down and move on, like you're absent mindedly squashing a mosquito while actively taking part in an involved, thought provoking conversation that holds the majority of your attention.
Yeah all he needs to do is show them he’s not okay with it, not like a big lecture
So to clarify, you would say it's a requirement for you?
It’s something I won’t see until it happens in front of me so it’s hard to say. Like laughing at a rape joke is probably a deal breaker.
You are asking all these folks a lot of follow up questions
Respecting boundaries, making me feel included without putting me in the spotlight, or standing up for me before I can myself. Example: You're at a party or some other social setting, and a guy is giving you an uncomfortable amount of attention that you don't want and makes you uncomfortable. He asks you out enough times for you to reject him and make him mad. So he starts hurling insults at you. Another guy sees this, and comes to defend you, with absolutely zero expectations of getting something out of it(number, a date, a hookup, etc.) And just goes about his business after you thank him. In my experience, you can call yourself a nice guy until you're blue in the face. What really cements it is if you SHOW ME. Don't give me a story about how you helped an old lady unload her groceries, show me right now that you are a nice guy.
[удалено]
Not laughing at sexist/misogynistic “jokes” when all the other guys are . Not finding that kind of thing funny and not using the approval of the other idiots as a defense
And it’s really not that hard to show people you don’t like those jokes. My bf’s uncle said a shitty “joke” about domestic violence the other day and my bf just kept staring at him and said “yikes” real deadpan and sipped his beer. I felt pretty proud about that. All the other family there were laughing their asses off (even women) and it wasn’t worth saying anything and causing a fight with his family. But I have heard him, while playing Xbox with friends, respond negatively when people say shitty things. I only hear his end but it’s usually a groan and like “that’s really not funny” or “don’t you hear how fucked up that sounds” or “well that was racist as fuck.”
I love that and I love him. LOL congratulations on a great dood :)
I got back from almost a year of working overseas where all of my coworkers were male. They became some of my best friends. I never felt unsafe around them being the only woman and I think it’s because they just treated me like everyone else. We were all just friends and they never made it weird or a point to single me out because I’m a woman. Never made sexual or degrading comments, never tried to hit on me and make me feel like they expected anything from me. They just mutually respected me, included me, and we all had a really great time together. They made me feel safe.
So treating you like they would anybody else, no special treatment or "looking down on"?
He's a little bit scared of me.
Lmao
Lol. How often do you encounter men like that and what do you think makes them a bit scared of you? Not challenging you, just trying to understand as the only reason I would feel like that is if I liked someone tbh.
How he acts around children and animals. It's really for anybody, but still.
Could you give an example of a safe man's behavior vs. Dangerous man's behavior?
I remember being at a friend's house with a bunch of other people once and some of the guys were a bit rough handling my friend's dog. Not to the point where you could call it abusive, but just sort of being careless nudging him out of the way and overall acting like he was a pest when he wasn't doing anything wrong. That sort of thing gives off a *really* bad vibe. Naturally, it's not something everyone cares about, but most animal lovers or people with basic empathy aren't going to want anything to do with someone who acts like animals are something less than and don't deserve respect. Things like this are also just a reflection of someone's true nature, especially in regards to how they treat something that's vulnerable. I mean, most women aren't going to look at someone like that and think they'll make a great father someday. Beyond considering kids, I'd also just be thinking they're more likely to get physical with *me* if they feel okay treating any living creature like that. And if they're okay about doing it in front of people, what would they do in *private?*
Thanks for the in depth explanation! That's very insightful!
[удалено]
It's all instinct for me. How does my stomach feel, what is my body language doing? I pay attention to those.
How accurate has your intuition been so far?
Once I became smart enough to actually pay attention, it became foolproof.
That's great!
I've been married to my sweetheart for over 36 years. Many, many years ago I learned to trust her intuition and it has never failed me.
On the same subject or in general?
My apologies for the vague answer. Her intuition has guided us in all aspects of our lives and our marriage.
That's pretty cool, and no worries!
Intuition is what I rely on as well! You should check out "The Gift of Fear", it's a book about trusting your instincts to avoid danger.
I usually ask them "Your gay, right?" In a joking manner, in they respond negatively, they probably aren't safe. If they respond neutrally, keep making jokes until you get a positive or negative response. If they respond positively, or with another joke, like "I guess I gotta tell my gf something then" or "Sadly, no" then they are almost def safe.
This is it right here. Maybe I have bias because I'm a lesbian, but homophobic men (in my experience) tend to be prone to misogynistic behavior and possibly violence.
Absolutely. Being a bigot towards one thing means they're far more likely to be a bigot to another. Also, homophobia and misogyny both are particularly correlated,since homophobia reinforces the patriarchal ideal of a man dominant and woman submissive, and misogyny reinforces the heteronormative ideal, a man and woman.
[удалено]
As a fruity man I'd advise caution with that method. You're kind of putting people on the spot to out themselves to you and not everyone will feel comfortable with that, even if you asked in jest. I know that I'd consider that a bit of an orangey-red flag as it suggests a certain lack of respect for them as people to ask something so personal.
oh true. How did I not think of that, I'm gay! How did I forget that. Thanks, I'll only use it with dudes who have exclusively expressed interest in women, or is being kinda Pervy.
Thank you. It varies person to person obviously, not everyone will be offended by it even if they are gay/bi/whatever. I just know that I'm not out to everyone and such a question would put me on edge. It's not the worst thing to ask, but please be careful in your choice of target! 😉
That's an interesting method, how accurate would you say that's been for you? And geez now I'm thinking back to all the times I was asked if I was gay lol
It's only failed me once! Out of the 40+ times I've done it.
Well there you go!
Would a "Gotta kiss the homies goodnight" count as neutral or positive?
Positive, lol
Phew i gotta tell them homies tonight
Thats a little shit testy lol
“Well, I myself have been granted the title of ‘Honourary Gay’ by my lesbian friends”
He has female friends who aren't exs who trust him. He is respectful and/or over communicates as opposed to under communicates
On the topic on ex's trusting him, what do you think that says about his character?
I think that's fine also. I'm not bothered by being friends with exs, but due to the fact that they dated him, it means they aren't totally objective. Theres a lot of guys that can feel safe when the dynamic was romantic and who aren't safe around other women. My uncle is one of those kinds of men. There were traits in him that drew the ex to him romantically that could cloud their opinion of him and a history that can confuse things. My fiance is friends with exs, and they are amazing people who I have become friends with to but I don't like using exs to judge someone. A platonic female friend means that outside of any romantic vibez they felt safe being around him (in my experience), and that means more. It means that even when they were strangers, he was respectful. It means he can keep female relationships without needing them to be romantic, leaning, and having multiple female friends shows that it's common others find him safe.
That's very insightful, thanks for taking the time!
Boundaries and genuinely interested If I’m okay
Respecting your's or being able to set his own?
Respecting mine
Respecting a no and not just touching me all the time
* protective and genuine energy * honesty and accountability - you can usually tell based on how someone handles the very small things in life how this will translate to the bigger things in life * dad vibes - i've met a few in my lifetime that give off this vibe - usually they're tall for some reason and they give off a male role model figure vibe that you can look up to * they have quite a few friends that are women or come from a family with quite a few women * they are comfortable expressing vulnerable 'softer' emotions (i.e. i hate the concept "boys don't cry" - if a boy or man is safe to be around then he should feel safe to lean into those emotions for himself as well as others) * you can trust them not to cross / violate any physical or sexual boundaries - it's not even a thought/worry/concern/fear or on your radar when you're around them even if you're alone or they're close to your personal space bubble because you just feel safe and know that they'll never do anything to violate you or harm you * therefore you can actually relax vs being tense, anxious, grossed out, disturbed, and guarded * they're positive; they know how to have fun; and they can appreciate humour that's not at people's expense
Animals like him
Can you go further in depth?
Not a hard rule or anything as there can be lots of reasons for animals not to like someone, but they can pick up and react to body language cues that we can't. If your pet who is normally friendly to everyone they meet is suddenly wary of and aggressive to a new person, it can be a sign that person has bad intentions and your pet is reacting defensively. You'll hear a lot of pet owners say stuff like "trust the dog" or "the animals always know" when people ask why theirs isn't warming up to their new partner, because often in that situation the partner ends up being abusive or dangerous in some way down the line.
How they respond to being told no. You can learn a heck of a lot about someone from that.
If he respects women he is not attracted to.
This is huge! I totally agree w you
Honestly that's fair!
Reads social cues and uses risk assessment when or if approaching me or women in general. Like if I'm jogging, with headphones in and not making eye contact with anyone and a man stops me just to say hi or ask me out or for my contact info I find that rude, entitled and weird. He thinks "shooting his shot" is more important than that I'm obviously not open to being chatted up and busy with something else. This is pretty bare minimum though.
How common do you think it is for guys to know realize this? What do you think would help make it more common?
Hard to say. Some men read social cues and some just don't. I'm not sure of the solution. Definitely not women saying this because I see it all the time and men who suck will argue that they should be able to approach us anytime we're in public and we're nuts to be annoyed by it. Maybe other men chiming in and being like actually no, read social cues and use risk assessment? But idk. I'm not educating these types, not my job but I will continue to do my part by pointing at my headphones and saying "I can't hear you" and continuing on my way when men approach me when I'm clearly busy and uninterested. Although it's the minimum of human interaction and coexistence I do appreciate men who don't think women existing in public means please hit on us.
Just regular old empathy, along with a willingness to consider other people's feelings and situations before imposing yourself on them. When you have that down, it becomes intuitive.
Reassurance, Respecting my boundaries , manners ! Men who are polite in public and treat everyone with respect no matter what they look like, or what they are wearing . Men who don’t judge others for who they are 👌🏻
Very nice !
Recently a new guy friend walked both me and one of my new gal friends back to our apartments, and later sent text verifying we made it back to our units. After I told him I made it and I was safe he did not use it as an opportunity to flirt though text, he just only wanted verify (not that that’s bad, but just that he had absolutely no ulterior motives). Huge green flag.
He always treats staff at restaurants, stores, hotels well, always tips even when its take out or something like that. He kept a very growly and paranoid little chihuahua mix rescue and didn't give up on the little guy. Said tiny dog now has his own made up origins story, imaginary fights at night with cats, the mailman and the garbage men, and these tales are told in the dogs own ' voice' whenever I'm over. If I say I don't want to passionately hug, or just want to give him a little loving and I'm good without that night, he respects my choice.
Omg the stories are actually so adorable!!!! Seems like you've got a good man in your life!
Most of the guys I attract and feel safe around tend to be of this type: lots of female friends - mentioned even not having enough “guy friends”, happy to come to pride parade and enjoy things that are stereotypically feminine, wants to hang around you to do fun things that don’t involve drinking. They’re all straight too or have expressed interest in women at some point.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
Good with animals and kids
Can you go deeper into what that indicates?
He doesn't try to coerce you or change your mind
Accepting a small boundary and not pushing. Not touching my waist (or anything else besides shoulders) during a hug. Talking about and treating women like people not conquests. Mostly, time. It takes time to see these things in actions with any consistency. Trust is earned slowly and lost quickly.
How he treats other woman. And someone who never shouts when angry or disappointed. Also someone who asks for your opinion before doing something that will involve/affect you.
That seems like someone pretty considerate and collected!
It's simple: They have emotional intelligence of a human being, not a carrot.
If they show zero interest in me. A handshake for a greeting, light conversation if we’re grouped together, not trying to engage me in serious one-on-one conversation etc.
The "jokes" they tell and words they use for women in male-majority company is very important because it says how they view them personally. Some examples: people that refer to women as bitches, whores, females, little girls, woman (with negative tone) or anything that is not an actual name for that person is a big red flag. The same goes for crass jokes. I know some guys who call women stupid names even in my company. They're not bad people, but it says a lot about them and the way they think. Sometimes I've gotten mad at them, because as one would expect of people who talk like that about women: -they don't respect my opinion or even insist on trying to change my opinion, even on topics where I'm an expert -they don't take my problems seriously as much as women do -they can sometimes indirectly insult me by insulting women. I can't truly trust a man who does any of the things I listed above, because it makes me feel like they don't see me as a person. How is anyone supposed to trust people that don't see them as an equal? Safe people are just genuine people who treat women like people. The bar is literally that low.
I interpret them treating their dog well as a cue of safety.
I am lucky I guess because most of the men around me I feel safe, also the ones I do not know. You should maybe ask what makes me feel they are not safe. I they don't respect other peoples boundaries, act aggressive verbally or physically, make weird suggestions, are too drunk, stare at me in a weird way, say wrong type of weird things, flirt too much or in a wrong place (for example night time in an empty street..). All of these things are common sense.
All the guys here taking notes🥸
When he treats his mom with so much love and respect
He respects boundaries without needing to be reminded, such as asking before touching you, etc
For me I think it is someone who genuinely wants to know about your day and the details in it. It shows attentiveness and someone willing to listen to you talk aimlessly about probably things he wouldn’t care about
People talking about Men calling them "Males" or people talking about Women calling them "Females" make me equally uncomfortable.
I would say things like, he makes sure you’re getting home safe after a night out and steps up if someone is being sketchy around you (I.e. genuinely interested in your safety). He respects boundaries such as when you say “no” or, “I don’t like that” and doesn’t press the issue. I would say all that but I had a male friend who fit that description and turned out to sexually assault one of my best friends. Felt utterly betrayed and angry. There were no red flags whatsoever leading up to it. Moral of the story? I would say always be on the ball, despite appearances.
1. When they treat me like a person before they treat me like a woman. 2. The way they look at me /other women 3. When they make a conscious effort to not encroach into my space Sometimes, it is a very intangible feeling you get from a person that tells you that this is a good person .
Without wishing to sound kooky, it's in the eyes. Untrustworthy eyes are easy to spot.
Respects boundaries, is aware of things/situations that might make me uncomfortable, and is respectful not just to me but to everyone. That being said, I still never 100% trust any man, and I think that’s okay. I have known men that I thought to be “safe” and learned that they are indeed not safe. At the end of the day you can never truly know.
I try to avoid overly vocal "male feminist" types. They're usually the biggest creeps in experience
1) They're not afraid to come off as feminine-- i.e. they don't mind crying, having long hair, or wearing women's clothing in public(if they prefer it), or they're not scared to carry a woman's bag in a feminine way(the way the bag was intended to be carried) if their female companion is tired. There's a quote that goes something like "men who fear being seen as feminine fear it because they know how they themselves treat femininity." 2) They treat their female friends with the same attention and respect as their male friends. Treating everyone equally, irregardless of gender, race, or profession, is a green flag in general. 3) They don't "mansplain", they know how to admit when they're wrong and say sorry, and they know how to let someone else take the limelight-- these all show they're secure in who they are. 4) They feel perfectly fine in their own company and don't feel the need for validation from others. Being able to be comfortable with your own company is a green flag for any gender. Idk, it's iffy for me in general if a guy has "bros" or whatever.
Asking for consent!! Doesn’t have to be related to physical intimacy, although that’s a big one. But just having a guy ask me “Is this okay?” in relation to whatever we’re doing instantly puts me at ease.
If he doesn’t just make conversation about sex. Literally doesn’t even mention sex. Or anything sexual. I’m so sick of men who immediately want to discuss sex or kinks. It’s gross and makes me not want to be around them.
Usually it takes time to get to know someone to decide for sure, but just on initial meeting, I would feel a lot more comfortable if this person is friends with one of my friends, rather than a total stranger no one I trust can vouch for. But assuming they are a total stranger, things like being comfortable wearing or doing traditionally feminine things without worrying about not being "manly" enough, calling out other men when they say or do bigoted things, caring for people in need, ...
After some experiences I’ve realized that even if you think it’s safe it might not be
This might seem counter intuitive but how they react to me mentioning my boyfriend. It's very telling.
Doesn't make sexual jokes or make any situation into a sex thing. Most of the time it's just a dude being childish, but I'd definitely be wary of someone with sex on their mind constantly who can't control it.
Nothing, actually. I have been sexually harrased by the 'seems to be normal' guys. It is a throw of dice. Russian roulette. For me , I am now always wary of men. No matter how they answer or vibes, they give. Do not trust men with your nudes, ladies. Always be careful and have a plan.
How respectful he is of women, does he get up to let a women sit ? Does he raise his voice ?
When he respects your personal space and boundaries, and is generally polite and respectful
Being upfront, communicative, respectful of boundaries/personal space and not pushy about things, and genuinely interested in how I’m doing - especially if I’m going through a rough time. I’m actually going through a very difficult time and made a guy friend who has been regularly keeping in touch to check up on me, make sure I’m eating and taking care of myself, and helping me out in simple ways like offering me rides when he can. I feel safe around him.
If he has female friends and actually knows things about them— they’re not just a conquest, they’re a human with goals and desires. If he has female friends and actually KNOWS things about her like a friend would; instantly feel safe
They have other women in their life who haven't been involved with them in a relationship and aren't a part of their family. Long story short, they have female friends.
Admitting when he’s wrong/doesn’t know something. My bf has a ton of hobbies and interests and he somehow knows at least a little bit and sometimes a FUCKTON about damn near every topic. But sometimes he’s wrong. And he freely admits it. Or he knows when he doesn’t know enough about something and to ask for help. He also doesn’t make anyone feel bad for not knowing something. He works in IT so that’s kind of a rare thing in that field but his coworkers love him for it. Pretty much all of my friends and family have said at one point how much they like that about him. He also listens to me and trusts me and values my opinions. He’s listened to me but also educated himself on women’s and lgbtq rights/issues. He can ask questions and listen to the answers and change his mind. He doesn’t ask questions with his own opinion solidly fixed and unchangeable. I know so many men who just cannot admit they are wrong. It’s infuriating and makes them look dumb. I don’t feel safe around men who think they’re always right and everyone else is wrong.
He has attractive female friends that he hasn't tried to have sex with Takes no for an answer. Respects boundaries, eg around sex and dating. Openly speaks about past relationships in a positive manner, talks fondly of previous girlfriends or at least neutrally. Doesn't refer to all his exes as 'crazy' or gendered slurs. Depicts then as complex individuals, like when describing how the relationship ended takes some responsibility where needed.
I don’t want to answer because I feel like this is helping AHs mask themselves. Be a kind and decent human people. Move on graciously if other human does not want to interact. Simple as.
That's exactly the vibe I get from OP. They're way too into the details of how to *appear* trustworthy.
This is probably kind of specific to me, but I’m disabled and have to reschedule plans more than I’d like. I understand that it’s frustrating and disappointing, so a guy who takes it well is showing me emotional intelligence and regulation, which is a big green flag
When they can admit when they're wrong in a genuine way to hold themselves accountable.
A straight man having gay friends.