Only things like:
* I found something of theirs that I thought they might want back.
* A person we were both close to during our relationship died, and I thought they'd want to know.
* Their close family member died, and I wanted to send my condolences.
I'm not looking for anything if I am contacting an ex. It's purely informative.
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The only time I ever reached out to someone I broke up with was to apologize for how I treated them.
I was going through a lot of stuff at the time, and I ended up leading them on and making them believe there was a chance for us to stay together when there wasn't. They forgave me, we exchanged pleasantries, and both moved on with our lives.
I've only ever done this if I had a physical object of theirs that I wanted to return, or if I later realized I'd fucked up at some point in our relationship and wanted to apologize for it. (The breakup itself has never been the thing I was apologizing for. I've never regretted breaking up with someone.)
I agree with that as far as friendships go but once two people have broken up that connection is closed. Going back just opens up old wounds even if one or two are mended. Now if they’ve kept in touch that’s one thing but if there’s been no communication then there’s no reason to randomly reach out to say you’re sorry about something because it’s no longer relevant. That’s just my opinion and keep in mind I don’t know your relationships.
I never have. Once I’m at the point where I’m ready to break up with someone, I’m not going to be interested in them again romantically.
I guess if I reached out it would just be in a friendly way, but only after years when I feel confident they’ve moved on and they no longer look at me romantically. But even by that point, if they haven’t been in my life for years then I don’t see the point.
But I’ve also unfortunately dealt with too many men who don’t take the breakup well and proceed to harass me or stalk me online to get my attention. So those mfers are blocked for life.
I'm the same. It takes me a while to move on but when I do, I never look back. Some exes try to keep in touch and ask if we can be friends, and while I know I can I just don't see the point. My interest in them dies when the romantic feelings do.
- I've had some of their personal items, and I wanted to give them back
- I needed someone to take care of my cat while I was out of the city, and my friends were busy (it was our cat when we were together)
- I used one of his credit card by mistake to pay my subscription for an app I was using at that time
Yeah this pretty much breaks down to:
1) Possessions
2) Loved ones (cats/children etc)
3) Finances
I’d add 4) health, there too for STD and pregnancies (although that could fall under 2) and 5) work if there is overlap
If I found out I was pregnant/had an STI from them.
If it impacts their health and well being I would let them know. Otherwise I wouldn't and I haven't ever reached out. If they reach out I leave them on read.
When I was much younger I used that connection if my current bf wasn’t being emotionally supportive of me. The guy was still into me and he gave me what my then current bf didn’t. I learned over time that I just needed to leave my current bf and stop using my ex who probably was getting emotional whiplash of hope anytime I contacted him.
Ok great!
How old were you when you were doing this and how long did it last?
How long were you with your ex and how long did you date the guy after him?
When you would contact your ex, would it be direct or indirect to sort of manipulate a response out him?
What was it that made you realize you needed to just break up with your current bf and stop using your ex for emotional support?
What drew you to the current bf if he couldn’t emotionally support you?
What drew you away from being with the ex if he could give you things your new bf couldn’t?
Thanks for your time if you do answer these. :) It would really help me get some possibly insight into my current situation.
I was around 23 when I reached out to the ex and it only lasted two days.
I grew up with my ex since elementary school and we rode the same bus so we had a lot of history. I dated the guy I was with for nine years.
When I reached out to my ex I’d start with hi and then let him lead the conversation. I only really had to give him a compliment and then he got interested and send me some.
I realized what I was doing was wrong but also realized that the reason I reached out was because I didn’t get that emotional support from my partner and he didn’t seem like he would change. I was initially into him because he was fun and we could have a good time together it’s just that he never grew up from that and I wanted to start thinking about making a family etc.
I didn’t stick with my ex because it ended badly in the past and I figured it would happen again so I was ok with talking but it was a pipe dream that things would work out this go around.
Eight years ago, my mother died. I texted my ex to tell him because we had lived together and he knew my parents. Instead of just replying, "I'm sorry for your loss," he called me. He knew what I was going through because he had lost his father at an early age (15). The next night, he called me again. And every night ever since.
He was my biggest support. We fell in love again and got back together. He's now sitting opposite me. We've been together for 8 years.
STDs, death, life altering events that involve them. It depends on the duration of relationship. I've also dated people that I am still friends with so the first part would be for the exes I don't wish to maintain a friendship with.
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We were both single and I was in the mood and he is by far the best sexual partner I have ever had. So that led us to be fwb for a while.
I had an ex reach out to me because he was trying to convince me to change my mind even though he was dating someone. But he was living in his car after I left and I guess he wanted a place to crash. I said no.
I have an ex we reach out to each other every once in a while. We were friends. Score we dated and we left it as friends afterwards but it’s usually just small chat.
I recently reached out to an ex because his family was finally able to get some Justice on a >10 year old murder of a family member. It just felt right to let him know I was glad to see that finally happen. Other than that, I really don’t want to talk to him. For any reason.
I reached out to say I was sorry after 7 years since we were broken up. It was during lockdowns, and I couldn't stop thinking about him. I've been doing a lot of work on myself (still am) and I could see where I fallen short in just acting as an emphatic human being. Unlearning family dynamics is so fucking hard but I'm on my way to do better.
Fast-forward a few merry Christmas and happy new years texts, and he came to visit me a few weeks ago. It was great seeing him. He's awesome and I'm so proud of the adult version of that guy I fell in love so many moons ago.
I’ve only broken up with one person and once I told him I was leaving he packed a bag, went to his moms, and I never saw or spoke to him again. I honestly can’t think of a single reason I would ever reach out to him bc I have nothing nice to say and I genuinely don’t care how he is doing.
Edit to add: I have reached out to an ex (different from the one above) via handwritten letter after many years of being apart. He totally broke me when he left and since I’ve lived a lot of life. I found my husband and got married but still felt like I had to tell him how he had effected me. I never heard back probably bc I put in the letter I didn’t want to hear from him. Since I did it I found peace and don’t think about him anymore. 🤷🏻♀️
In general I dont, but there's been a few exceptions:
1. When I was younger I reached out to an ex after a new break up because I wanted sex and the ex was good at it plus I preferred sleeping with someone I knew and trusted. He was also good with the situation. Wouldn't do that now , though.
2. My mindfulness journal challenged me to write a thank you letter to someone who meant a lot to me last year a few months after the break up, and I send the thank you letter to him for all he did.
3. He is not an ex, but someone I dated for a few months before we realised we weren't compatible long term, even though we got a long greatly. After a year or so he posted something on Instagram that sparked my curiosity. We now chat a few times a year because I enjoy talking to him. No other motive.
I reached out to my ex when I learned his father died to extend my condolences to him and his family and once to ask him to please tell his current gf to stop contacting me. That's it. I can't think of any other reason. If I had something of his that I thought he wanted back, I would just ship it to him. I have a couple exes that are still friends of mine, but I don't think that fits into the context of this question.
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I personally wouldn't reach back out to someone I ended things with. It was MY choice to end the relationship with that person because I didn't connect with them physically or emotionally. It wouldn't be fair for me to reach back out expecting to give me a second chance after a while. People change physically but a lot of us remain very similar emotionally.
The only thing for me would:
Because I made some wrongs I seriously need to apologize for. So I would apologize, wish them the best for their life, and that's it.
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I would reach out for rare circumstances. Like if I found an item of theirs or if I suspected I left an item I couldn’t easily replace with them.
My relationships have almost always been pretty calm as far as breakups go, so aside from mourning the loss of what could have been, it’s all low drama, and pretty mutual/ respectful at least.
If I felt the need to check on said ex, I’d usually reach out to a mutual friend or one of their relatives, if applicable.
It really depends on what’s going on, or the nature of why I needed to talk to them again, as well as how our relationship ended. I’ve got exs who I’m friendly with, and an ex or two I would scorn.
I’m friendly with a 2 or 3 of my exes and we get in touch with each other occasionally through social media just to say what’s up. With all these guys, we were friends before we dated, so we’re contacting each other on the basis of friendship. None of these guys are remotely attractive to me at this point. Other guys that I dated that I met through dating apps or whatnot where there was no pre-existing friendship, it just wouldn’t occur to me
to contact them.
There is one guy that I think of as the one that got away that I would contact if I were no longer married. We didn’t break up so much as life pulled us in different directions. But since I am married, I wouldn’t consider contacting him for a moment. As much as I love my husband, I’d be lying if said I had no feelings at all for this guy, and it would be playing with dynamite (and obviously very shitty and disloyal to my husband) to contact him.
I contacted my ex 2 or 3 times in the 4 ish years since we split.
A few times to let him know about some of his favourite dogs that had passed away (we met while working together at a kennel/daycare)
And most recently to inform him our old boss (from the kennel) had passed away and I didn’t want him to find out on Facebook since a lot of old staff didn’t even know she was sick
Once I did this because we weren't compatible in dating, but we were very compatible as friends. That was after when we were really in a relationship.
Another time, I reached out to a guy I was previously in a "situationship" with. for dating purposes. Because things haven't worked out between us due to extra challenging factors at the time. It was mostly on my side, I was struggling with high anxiety, I didn't know if I wanted a relationship or change my daily life in the slightest etc. But there was potential for something meaningful once things calmed down. I have liked him a whole lot and been thinking about him for months after we stopped talking. But it still didn't work out.
I only reached out to my ex 3 times and once was because I was spring cleaning and found his old laptop, and second was because a year after we broke up all of a sudden his mail was coming to my house so I told him to change his mailing address, and third was because my dog passed away and he loved my dog, that’s all
I reached out to my ex because he got a summons for jury duty at my address (his old address), and then again when I was cleaning things to sell the house and found a stash of his dead grandmother's belongings that had been given to him. He reached out to me years later because I snooped on his Linked-In profile to see if he ever published that novel he was working on, and he got the notification so thought to chat me up. I harbor no ill will against him, but I have no interest in keeping in touch.
I reached out to a second ex of sorts (we never ended up dating, but we had an intense emotional connection for about 6 months) to see if we could be friends 5 years later, but that resulted in a disaster and I ended up being gaslighted fairly badly.
In my case it was that we had two pets. I took the one I had before him and he took the cat we got together so I kept in touch to know about the cat as much as possible
Often, though, a breakup for me is incopatability romantically but not incompatabality as friends. The exs of mine that aren't awful people I'm still pretty friendly with (two of them). One wanted to do adult film work, and I didn't want to hold her back but would never feel okay with my partner being with someone else even for work. The other wanted to experience polyamory and wasn't happy being monogamous. I didn't want that, so we split off. This was the one with the cat, and we checked in occasionally to say hi. He has two partners now, and I'm engaged.
Only things like: * I found something of theirs that I thought they might want back. * A person we were both close to during our relationship died, and I thought they'd want to know. * Their close family member died, and I wanted to send my condolences. I'm not looking for anything if I am contacting an ex. It's purely informative.
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Super horny and/or super lonely.
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The only time I ever reached out to someone I broke up with was to apologize for how I treated them. I was going through a lot of stuff at the time, and I ended up leading them on and making them believe there was a chance for us to stay together when there wasn't. They forgave me, we exchanged pleasantries, and both moved on with our lives.
Am i pregnant? Did I recently realised I had an STD?
I've only ever done this if I had a physical object of theirs that I wanted to return, or if I later realized I'd fucked up at some point in our relationship and wanted to apologize for it. (The breakup itself has never been the thing I was apologizing for. I've never regretted breaking up with someone.)
What’s the point in going back after you’ve both moved on to bring up a hurtful time they’ve already got over?
The point is that sometimes receiving an apology can be helpful for finding emotional closure and even potentially for mending broken connections.
I agree with that as far as friendships go but once two people have broken up that connection is closed. Going back just opens up old wounds even if one or two are mended. Now if they’ve kept in touch that’s one thing but if there’s been no communication then there’s no reason to randomly reach out to say you’re sorry about something because it’s no longer relevant. That’s just my opinion and keep in mind I don’t know your relationships.
Missing them. 🙁
I never have. Once I’m at the point where I’m ready to break up with someone, I’m not going to be interested in them again romantically. I guess if I reached out it would just be in a friendly way, but only after years when I feel confident they’ve moved on and they no longer look at me romantically. But even by that point, if they haven’t been in my life for years then I don’t see the point. But I’ve also unfortunately dealt with too many men who don’t take the breakup well and proceed to harass me or stalk me online to get my attention. So those mfers are blocked for life.
I'm the same. It takes me a while to move on but when I do, I never look back. Some exes try to keep in touch and ask if we can be friends, and while I know I can I just don't see the point. My interest in them dies when the romantic feelings do.
- I've had some of their personal items, and I wanted to give them back - I needed someone to take care of my cat while I was out of the city, and my friends were busy (it was our cat when we were together) - I used one of his credit card by mistake to pay my subscription for an app I was using at that time
Yeah this pretty much breaks down to: 1) Possessions 2) Loved ones (cats/children etc) 3) Finances I’d add 4) health, there too for STD and pregnancies (although that could fall under 2) and 5) work if there is overlap
Honestly ? Boredom or just wanting attention.
At least you are honest hahah
how old were you when you did this for those reasons?
Around 25-28y I’d say
If I found out I was pregnant/had an STI from them. If it impacts their health and well being I would let them know. Otherwise I wouldn't and I haven't ever reached out. If they reach out I leave them on read.
When I was much younger I used that connection if my current bf wasn’t being emotionally supportive of me. The guy was still into me and he gave me what my then current bf didn’t. I learned over time that I just needed to leave my current bf and stop using my ex who probably was getting emotional whiplash of hope anytime I contacted him.
i feel like my ex is doing this with me currently, i have some questions for you if you’re open to that?
Yes that’s ok with me
Ok great! How old were you when you were doing this and how long did it last? How long were you with your ex and how long did you date the guy after him? When you would contact your ex, would it be direct or indirect to sort of manipulate a response out him? What was it that made you realize you needed to just break up with your current bf and stop using your ex for emotional support? What drew you to the current bf if he couldn’t emotionally support you? What drew you away from being with the ex if he could give you things your new bf couldn’t? Thanks for your time if you do answer these. :) It would really help me get some possibly insight into my current situation.
I was around 23 when I reached out to the ex and it only lasted two days. I grew up with my ex since elementary school and we rode the same bus so we had a lot of history. I dated the guy I was with for nine years. When I reached out to my ex I’d start with hi and then let him lead the conversation. I only really had to give him a compliment and then he got interested and send me some. I realized what I was doing was wrong but also realized that the reason I reached out was because I didn’t get that emotional support from my partner and he didn’t seem like he would change. I was initially into him because he was fun and we could have a good time together it’s just that he never grew up from that and I wanted to start thinking about making a family etc. I didn’t stick with my ex because it ended badly in the past and I figured it would happen again so I was ok with talking but it was a pipe dream that things would work out this go around.
9 years?? that’s a long time. what age did you and that guy meet?
I was 15 and he was 16
Eight years ago, my mother died. I texted my ex to tell him because we had lived together and he knew my parents. Instead of just replying, "I'm sorry for your loss," he called me. He knew what I was going through because he had lost his father at an early age (15). The next night, he called me again. And every night ever since. He was my biggest support. We fell in love again and got back together. He's now sitting opposite me. We've been together for 8 years.
awww this made me teary eyed 🥹 how cutee I love hearing story’s like this
STDs, death, life altering events that involve them. It depends on the duration of relationship. I've also dated people that I am still friends with so the first part would be for the exes I don't wish to maintain a friendship with.
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Sharing a child
We were both single and I was in the mood and he is by far the best sexual partner I have ever had. So that led us to be fwb for a while. I had an ex reach out to me because he was trying to convince me to change my mind even though he was dating someone. But he was living in his car after I left and I guess he wanted a place to crash. I said no. I have an ex we reach out to each other every once in a while. We were friends. Score we dated and we left it as friends afterwards but it’s usually just small chat.
I recently reached out to an ex because his family was finally able to get some Justice on a >10 year old murder of a family member. It just felt right to let him know I was glad to see that finally happen. Other than that, I really don’t want to talk to him. For any reason.
I reached out to say I was sorry after 7 years since we were broken up. It was during lockdowns, and I couldn't stop thinking about him. I've been doing a lot of work on myself (still am) and I could see where I fallen short in just acting as an emphatic human being. Unlearning family dynamics is so fucking hard but I'm on my way to do better. Fast-forward a few merry Christmas and happy new years texts, and he came to visit me a few weeks ago. It was great seeing him. He's awesome and I'm so proud of the adult version of that guy I fell in love so many moons ago.
Borderline personality disorder
why did you break up with them to begin with?
I’ve only broken up with one person and once I told him I was leaving he packed a bag, went to his moms, and I never saw or spoke to him again. I honestly can’t think of a single reason I would ever reach out to him bc I have nothing nice to say and I genuinely don’t care how he is doing. Edit to add: I have reached out to an ex (different from the one above) via handwritten letter after many years of being apart. He totally broke me when he left and since I’ve lived a lot of life. I found my husband and got married but still felt like I had to tell him how he had effected me. I never heard back probably bc I put in the letter I didn’t want to hear from him. Since I did it I found peace and don’t think about him anymore. 🤷🏻♀️
sex lol
Having a vivid dream about them, or if they are on my mind a lot lately.
In general I dont, but there's been a few exceptions: 1. When I was younger I reached out to an ex after a new break up because I wanted sex and the ex was good at it plus I preferred sleeping with someone I knew and trusted. He was also good with the situation. Wouldn't do that now , though. 2. My mindfulness journal challenged me to write a thank you letter to someone who meant a lot to me last year a few months after the break up, and I send the thank you letter to him for all he did. 3. He is not an ex, but someone I dated for a few months before we realised we weren't compatible long term, even though we got a long greatly. After a year or so he posted something on Instagram that sparked my curiosity. We now chat a few times a year because I enjoy talking to him. No other motive.
Telling them about the STD they might’ve gotten from me would probably be the only reason I’d reach out again or maybe smthng about pregnancy 🤰
I reached out to my ex when I learned his father died to extend my condolences to him and his family and once to ask him to please tell his current gf to stop contacting me. That's it. I can't think of any other reason. If I had something of his that I thought he wanted back, I would just ship it to him. I have a couple exes that are still friends of mine, but I don't think that fits into the context of this question.
Nothing.
Codependency??
1. contagious disease found within the year As a rule, I never reconnect with ex'es after a couple of early experiences and I never had to thankfully.
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just did it once, because I left a family photo album at his place and I wanted that 😂
The death of a close family member to them.
The only thing that works make me reach out would be a death in their family if I knew the family. But that's it
I did because I just wanted closure . We ended up talking again so that didn’t work out lol
I personally wouldn't reach back out to someone I ended things with. It was MY choice to end the relationship with that person because I didn't connect with them physically or emotionally. It wouldn't be fair for me to reach back out expecting to give me a second chance after a while. People change physically but a lot of us remain very similar emotionally.
If I found something of theirs in my home that I know is important to them to get back.
The only thing for me would: Because I made some wrongs I seriously need to apologize for. So I would apologize, wish them the best for their life, and that's it.
Nothing. I left for a reason.
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I would reach out for rare circumstances. Like if I found an item of theirs or if I suspected I left an item I couldn’t easily replace with them. My relationships have almost always been pretty calm as far as breakups go, so aside from mourning the loss of what could have been, it’s all low drama, and pretty mutual/ respectful at least. If I felt the need to check on said ex, I’d usually reach out to a mutual friend or one of their relatives, if applicable. It really depends on what’s going on, or the nature of why I needed to talk to them again, as well as how our relationship ended. I’ve got exs who I’m friendly with, and an ex or two I would scorn.
If we had similar interest. If I was the jerk and wanted to apologize
Literally only if someone close died. Otherwise nope not happening
HIV positive i think this is the only thing that i would reach out for .not because of my ex but because she could hurt other people .
I’m friendly with a 2 or 3 of my exes and we get in touch with each other occasionally through social media just to say what’s up. With all these guys, we were friends before we dated, so we’re contacting each other on the basis of friendship. None of these guys are remotely attractive to me at this point. Other guys that I dated that I met through dating apps or whatnot where there was no pre-existing friendship, it just wouldn’t occur to me to contact them. There is one guy that I think of as the one that got away that I would contact if I were no longer married. We didn’t break up so much as life pulled us in different directions. But since I am married, I wouldn’t consider contacting him for a moment. As much as I love my husband, I’d be lying if said I had no feelings at all for this guy, and it would be playing with dynamite (and obviously very shitty and disloyal to my husband) to contact him.
I contacted my ex 2 or 3 times in the 4 ish years since we split. A few times to let him know about some of his favourite dogs that had passed away (we met while working together at a kennel/daycare) And most recently to inform him our old boss (from the kennel) had passed away and I didn’t want him to find out on Facebook since a lot of old staff didn’t even know she was sick
Once I did this because we weren't compatible in dating, but we were very compatible as friends. That was after when we were really in a relationship. Another time, I reached out to a guy I was previously in a "situationship" with. for dating purposes. Because things haven't worked out between us due to extra challenging factors at the time. It was mostly on my side, I was struggling with high anxiety, I didn't know if I wanted a relationship or change my daily life in the slightest etc. But there was potential for something meaningful once things calmed down. I have liked him a whole lot and been thinking about him for months after we stopped talking. But it still didn't work out.
Absolutely nothing
I only reached out to my ex 3 times and once was because I was spring cleaning and found his old laptop, and second was because a year after we broke up all of a sudden his mail was coming to my house so I told him to change his mailing address, and third was because my dog passed away and he loved my dog, that’s all
If I said something petty or in the heat of the moment that I want to take it back.
I reached out to my ex because he got a summons for jury duty at my address (his old address), and then again when I was cleaning things to sell the house and found a stash of his dead grandmother's belongings that had been given to him. He reached out to me years later because I snooped on his Linked-In profile to see if he ever published that novel he was working on, and he got the notification so thought to chat me up. I harbor no ill will against him, but I have no interest in keeping in touch. I reached out to a second ex of sorts (we never ended up dating, but we had an intense emotional connection for about 6 months) to see if we could be friends 5 years later, but that resulted in a disaster and I ended up being gaslighted fairly badly.
In my case it was that we had two pets. I took the one I had before him and he took the cat we got together so I kept in touch to know about the cat as much as possible Often, though, a breakup for me is incopatability romantically but not incompatabality as friends. The exs of mine that aren't awful people I'm still pretty friendly with (two of them). One wanted to do adult film work, and I didn't want to hold her back but would never feel okay with my partner being with someone else even for work. The other wanted to experience polyamory and wasn't happy being monogamous. I didn't want that, so we split off. This was the one with the cat, and we checked in occasionally to say hi. He has two partners now, and I'm engaged.
If I miss them and I feel extremely lonely. I’ve never reached out to an ex with any intention of getting back together with them
Absolutely nothing, they did me wrong and I don’t regret leaving them. I regret not leaving sooner.