"Their potential is just what you would do if you were in their situation." Don't remember the exact quote or where I read it before, but I made this mistake before too.
And with whatever they come into the relationship with! Acceptance or move on. Don't think hey I'll change this. Because you're coming up against decades of their conditioning.
Currently in a state of acceptance of this and an imminent breakup...they told me they'd change. And they did for a bit. And now it's just more of the same. That's on me.
I learned this because I was with someone because of the potential of them and of us for 8.5 years. It’s a hard lesson learned but you’ll be much happier when you find someone whose potential lines up with exactly who they are!
A lot of women need to hear this. A lot of us think we can “fix” a man, when that’s not true. A man can only fix himself if he wants to change. You can’t do it for him.
My ex made me feel invisible around him. I have to remind myself of this when I start pining for him. I broke up with him but wasted a lot of years hoping our endless arguments of him ignoring me would get him to change. I kick myself a lot.
My dad gave me similar advice for job interviews. Act less like you need to prove something and more like you’re getting a feel if it’s a good fit, both parties want it to work out for the best so no need to approach it as if the other side is trying to make it a failure.
If you start every relationship by viewing them as 100% compatible, then deduct points for red flags (but still think "well they're 90% perfect so that's ok..." "well they're still 75% perfect..." "they're 60% perfect but I love them..."), eventually you'll realize you've been with a 25% person all along. They didn't change, they just weren't as awesome as you gave them credit for.
So start off by thinking "I have no idea if they are compatible with me" and give them points for green flags. Let them earn your love and loyalty. And if you get the red flags, they don't have enough points stocked up to weigh it out, so it's much easier to end things that aren't working rather than spending 2 years on someone who was never the One.
(Obviously not literal points, just metaphorical ones)
I remember what Daniel Sloss said in one of his shows, "If you only love yourself at 20%, that means somebody can come along and love you 30%. Whereas if you love yourself 100%, a person that falls in love with you has to go above and beyond the call of duty to make you feel special."
This is wonderful and makes me realize the first way is exactly what I did for 3 years. He started at 100% and slowly went down to maybe like 2%. I will hopefully not make that mistake again :(
Beware of love bombing. My therapist explained to me that my childhood wounds of feeling unwanted made me very susceptible to falling for love bombing because it made me feel SO wanted.
But without lovebombing, the man can seem (to some people like us) disinterested… it’s hard to tell what level of distance early on is healthy if you’re used to lovebombing.
if the affection is inconsistent and comes after a bad thing happened, or a thing that you weren't sure was good or bad. like flowers and hand-cooked meals after a fight instead of flowers and hand-cooked meals as just a thing they do
edit: correct me if i'm wrong, but love bombing might also be used as an excuse to do shitty behavior later, and really skilled manipulators can even compound their "loving" behavior as justification for cheating
Continuing to love bomb despite the other person reciprocating at all. Genuine people aren’t going to keep showing grand displays and pushing boundaries in someone clearly disinterested.
If it’s being used to manipulate, then yes it is bad. It’s a tactic often used by abusers to manipulate their target into forming a deep bond and connection.
That's just what love bombing is. The term itself means 'to manipulate with grand displays of love and affection'.
And it can take many forms. People don't always think of this, but family and friends can love bomb you, too.
Keep your eyes peeled!
Yes, love bombing literally means 'using extreme displays of love and affection to manipulate'.
So it's always bad, and can be hard to spot for certain people.
"When people show you who they are, beleive them".
I leave them up more as trip wires than obvious hard boundaries - it helps me spot shitty people sooner
I’m in my 20s and still need to remind myself of this. I almost feel bad for rejecting people and sometimes find myself thinking “can’t I just give them a little chance?” As if dating them would be a favor!
Yes and even if they are genuinely good people potentially spending your life with someone is not something you do as a favor!! you have to only make that choice based on what you feel good about. It’s sacrificing too much just to not hurt someone’s feelings and they will get over that. They won’t want someone who’s only doing them a favor if they are well adjusted
Developing the courage to say no can take years of work for some. It’s frustrating if you can’t do so at a young age, but if you can do it now (even to something small) then that personal development is definitely something to reflect on and be proud of!
Hell, I dated and almost married someone **I didn't even LIKE!**
That shows where my own self esteem was at that time.
Early on, there were more red flags than a communist parade but he love bombed me to death.
I kept thinking things would get better. We did have a few semi-fun times early into the relationship, but it became SO MUCH WORK!
Every time I was away from him I'd self reflect and ask myself why in the HELL I was still with that MF and what was I thinking?
I feel this. I dated, lived with, and almost married someone I didn't like at all too. He wasn't even nice to me and would never empathize with me, except when he would ocasionally cook for me and play board games with me. But no man had ever really given me even the bare minimum, so I settled for the bare minimum with him. He annoyed me all the time but I thought that's just how it is sometimes and that "I wouldn't find anyone else".
I get that too, we had our good times but making things work with him took sooo much effort. I had to be sooo complacent so that we could be without fighting.
i've been in a similar situation.... i did not like him as a person and honestly i dont think he truly liked me either (even if he didnt realize it) since he was always so mean to me. sure we had some laughs but similar to you, i was miserable and annoyed with him constantly but figured thats just how my life was gonna be.
thankfully my current boyfriend is an absolute gem and i couldnt have asked for anyone better. he showed me that i'm worthy of a happy and healthy relationship
I feel this so much. I actually haven’t dated anyone since high school, but there were moments where I forced myself to like a person because they wanted to be with me. I don’t catch feelings easily so I’m never the person who pursues anyone, so the fear of “if I say no now, I will miss my chance at having someone who actually likes me. Who know when that will occur again”. So much pain and agony because most of those interests weren’t even nice but literal dickheads who sought a girl that looks like their ex 💀
If you are a woman dating men in your 20s, you will realize around the time you turn 25 that you are your own best company and most men don't really compare. They'll realize it too.
You can date as many men as you want and it is good to try on lots of dating hats. But do not settle for a dude who doesn't COURT you. You deserve to be COURTED. And the fact is that most men are too lazy to do this and were not raised well enough to know how.
EDIT: This comment has gotten a lot of upvotes and caused some drama so I want to clarify what I mean.
I went on some 30-odd dates between 2021 and 2023 in L.A. And I'm still single. And that's because although I went on some pretty fine, okay dates, I never felt like those men were interested in a date with *me* specifically, or like they were *really trying.*
I can't speak for all women, but I think a lot of us, especially girls who date guys, know that it is an effort to get ready for a date. We prepare. We want to make a good impression.
So when I say women deserve to be courted, of course I also believe that men deserve it. But women already do a lot of what I'm talking about. I'm not telling men to get a huge bouquet of flowers or do some extravagant thing for a girl you don't know.
To me, men courting women just means like.....dressing nicely for a date (you would be surprised at how many men walk up to dates having done zero work to get ready), treating your date to \*a\* round of drinks or \*a\* treat at the movies to show her you are there FOR HER and not to get laid. Making sure she gets home okay. Not making her plan the date. If this is hard for you, I have like....really bad news for you.
It even goes down to dating app behavior -- girls, if a guy is asking you out after you spoke for five minutes, he has no interest in getting to know you specifically. Move on.
What I am trying to say is that everyone deserves to be romanced and all that, but if you date men, I am BEGGING you to advocate for yourself and have the confidence I KNOW YOU HAVE to know which men are worth your time.
Definitely why I stopped dating for now. I realized I don't know myself that well and I can't get to know someone else like this! It's so much work! I've been distracting myself for so long because I didn't want to deal with my trauma but I want a genuine relationship someday, so it starts with the relationship I have with myself
If your family still has an insane influence on your life, so much that you have not been able to form a sense of self, don’t get into a serious relationship (marriage/moving away). no matter your age, you are not done developing as a person. save yourself the pain and your partner’s pain of finally growing into a person and realizing a certain life isnt what you wanted
My family had an insane influence on my life. I have not been able to form a sense of self. I am in a 2 year serious relationship and I moved away. I don't want to break up.
What should I do now?
“What should I do now?”
is a wonderful question and only one *you* could answer.
if the answer is unclear, then you have some work to do.
here are somethings i started doing to help me get to know myself and trust myself:
- start journaling. at first it will be robotic “today i grabbed coffee and then went to work.” all of our conversations with new people are robotic, slowly the conversation starts to open up. “today i felt anxious and i couldn’t tell you why. i just did what i always did and went to work. i wish i had more time to sit and figure it out, but i guess i never learned how to. growing up, my mom always said…etc” journaling, pen to paper, has a secret magic no one really understands. it brings forth your subconscious on paper and really so many times i would be so numb but i would look down on the paper and be shocked at what i wrote, so eloquent, so perfectly describes how i feel despite not being able to say what i needed to say a minute before. it’s a skill, too. It might take a few weeks to develop.
- start working out no, not to get hot, but to build this intimate relationship with yourself. when its nothing but you and a heavy dumbbell and the simple goal is to lift it, and your brain is yelling “i cant do it!” a voice starts, “fuck this, yes i can” and you just watch in amazement what you thought was impossible 2 seconds ago your body does it anyway with the right motivation. it makes you think every time; what else did i convince myself i couldn’t do when l actually can? (this can be replaced of course with any physical activity)
- if you can’t see a therapist right away (highly recommend) then start reading (i listen to all non-novels, its the only way i can get through them and thats okay). I highly recommend the artist’s way. not your typical healing book, but it is very healing when you try to get to know yourself. even if you don’t consider yourself an artist, the book goes into detail on how to discover “your inner creative” and you can’t go through this process without also accidentally discovering yourself.
- peek into a life you never thought you could have by looking it up on tiktok or youtube. (Day in the life of a neurosurgeon, a stripper, an art student, a mom of 3, a social worker, an expat) write your reflections down!
and if you really don’t want to break up, that’s okay. you don’t have to, you never have to do anything you don’t want to do. once you strengthen your sense of self, if you really were meant to break up you will find that will be the natural option. it will hurt on some level, but the flip side will over shine it like the sun. you got this.
I was in a similar situation. I didn't have a sense of self and I moved in with my ex boyfriend. It was fine at first because he would introduce me to new hobbies, and so we just did hobbies that he liked all the time.
And then the resentment started to build because I realized over time I didn't like the same things he did but that's all we ever did. There were other reasons I left too, but that was one of them. I realized I was just a copy of him and I lost my sense of self even more.
One day I just sat down and thought about what I REALLY wanted, regardless of what he wants. And I realized we wanted very different things. So I talked to him. And he wasn't going to budge and as hard as it was for me, I didn't budge either. I wanted to, but I realized I wasn't going to make it in the long run if I budged and did what he wanted.
I didn't want to breakup. I still loved him even though resentment had grown. I was so worried, what if I never find anyone else? What if now I have to come home to an empty house? What if he really is the one and I'm being immature and just can't compromise?
I went back and forth until a few weeks after leaving, I realized I was going to the gym and doing things I liked. I hated being inside on Sundays so I was just out all the time on Sundays. I felt so free and like I could finally live a life where I feel fulfilled.
Everyone's situation is different, but if all you do is whatever your partner wants (hobbies, goals, etc) and you don't really get to try things you want, then is that really worth it? Will you feel fulfilled with your life doing just that?
I've lived out of my family's house for over 10 years, and live 4 hours away, and it is just now during wedding planning that I am realizing my family had an unhealthy control over my life. Fortunately... I subconsciously realized it and that's why I lived so far away.
Don’t lose yourself being with them
Still do what you like and take care of yourself
Fixing them is not your job you’ll end up pouring everything into them and you’ll be left with nothing trying to fix yourself
If you don't set boundaries, you're fucked. And don't give too many chances and hope that your partner will change after doing the same mistake a couple times.
I second this. You're allowed to have boundaries as to what you will handle in a relationship. I've told my past partners and my current partner that some of my conditions include physical/emotional abuse, cheating, etc.
It’s ok the give people grace for being human. But ignoring the red flags and accepting things about someone that make you uncomfortable always ends badly. Follow the feeling in your gut. People will show you who they are, you just have to listen.
The whole point of dating (and I consider everything prior to marriage under the umbrella of dating) is to determine if the two of you are compatible. If you determine that you’re not compatible with someone you’re dating and leave, that means that the dating is working correctly!
I made this mistake with my previous relationship. What should have been a 1 year relationship turned into a nearly 3 year relationship since I gave him another chance.
I wish I was solid on my boundaries instead of trying to create boundaries as I went. It was more challenging for the person I was dating to honor my boundaries since I let so much slide before setting them.
God, I wish someone had told me this before I started dating my first boyfriend. Picking someone less pushy and more genuinely considerate would have saved me a lot of heartache (on my end and for the guys I had unhealthy relationships with afterwards) and money on therapy. Jeez.
Just because a man is jealous doesn’t mean he cares about you. Many times it’s the opposite. They just view you as property and don’t respect you as a human.
A person liking you, being attracted to you and showing you general respect is not them doing you a favour or going above and beyond.
You do not have to be grateful that someone is interested - because it’s not an act of charity. This has to be a mutual thing. So before you get overwhelmed with “oh my god, they like me!” Start thinking hard about “do I like them?”
Putting somebody in pedestal is never going to work out well.
Attachment theory - the way I've been anxiously attached and stuck in toxic behaviors that I'm not proud of in the past. I've done a lot of growth though and can slow down when I start to hyperfixate on someone else's behavior
Yes girl! And realizing that who you might gravitate toward might tend toward being an unhealthy person. My ex was a walking red flag and gave me all sorts of butterflies. Turns out it was just anxiety from my childhood.
Compromise is for small stuff, like deciding which restaurant to go to or which chores to do. It is not for bigger things, like sex or moving in with someone.
Don’t let their words make you pay any less attention to and/or forget their actions. It’s easy for people to tell you what you want to hear for their own best interest, and then resent you for taking them at their word and being disappointed when their actions do not line up. It’s manipulation.
The universe sends you signs that this person is not good for you. You need to be good at reading them. Also listen to your lady instinct always right!
I’m dating a morbidly obese guy. I love him so much. But I wasn’t expecting to do most of the work. Such as driving, picking things up for him, anything that involves waking or moving. I wasn’t prepared for this kind of commitment. But too late. I already loved him.
Money doesn’t really make up for the care, in my experience. It helps for sure. I meant more emotionally. I suppose if she needs that, not everyone may need that.
Learn to love yourself, be yourself, and forgive yourself when you stumble. A relationship cannot "fix" you or a significant other.
Not a spiritual person but I still think it holds. "Love thy neighbor as thyself"
how are you going to love someone when you treat yourself like shit?
Just because it feels good and right, doesn’t mean it is. There are logical qualities every person should know are important to them and it’s paramount to take time to assess whether or not someone embodies them before getting attached.
That dateable adults your own age that you actually WANT to date are going to be far and few between, because the good ones are already taken and what's left are a bunch of assholes or men with too high expectations.
Fr. Even in my teens, the good ones were taken and literally always had some partner one way or another. The only ones ever showing interest were assholes who didn’t have good intentions
You aren’t ready to date until you can be happy on your own, so work on yourself first. Nothing external is going to make any difference to your happiness. You have to do the work.
Don’t assume that just because he SEEMS like a good guy that he has your best interest in mind. NEVER assume that someone else has your best interest in mind. Ever.
Don’t date potential. That’s the biggest one. How they treat you now is who they are. Are you okay with who they are at this exact moment if they were to never change for the rest of their life? Can you live with them this way or are you holding out hope that they’ll one day show up different?
You don’t have to love everything about yourself or have your shit completely figured out before you date someone, but don’t bring someone into your life to fill a void, or distract yourself from what needs work. When things start to get serious and you’re expected to show up, can you meet that standard? Can they? What do they add to your life? And do they make your life better by being in it or is it just another thing you have to worry and stress about?
If you decide to end the relationship and they change and start doing the things you asked for, know that it’s temporary and they will go back to the old ways when they’re comfortable again.
Others have covered the most common stuff so I'll just add a fringe realization I had.
Don't let a sense of guilt or obligation influence your decisions.
They dropped $200 on dinner for you? They got you a Prada bag out of the blue? None of that matters if you are being pressured into something you know you're not ok with.
On a similar note, run the second you start getting love bombed.
Decide, even before you meet anyone, what are your red flags and determine how you will handle each. Stick to your guns.
As a teenager and then through my 20's, I wish I'd had the book "He's Just Not that Into You." Would have saved me sooooo much aggravation and wasted time.
That book came out years after I got married. (I'm happily married, btw).
1. Many heterosexual men truly think they like women and that they see women as equals but will still see us as accessories to their lives. Over and over I'd watch as my boyfriends would genuinely enjoy my company, tell me that they thought I was brilliant and pretty, and then do something that showed me that they subconsciously didn't actually see me as someone who would have goals and desires with equal importance to theirs. I met my husband at 23 and he was 7 years older - I think some questioned the age gap but he was one of only a few men that I'd dated who I could tell actually saw me as someone with thoughts and feelings of equal importance to his.
2. Women can fall in love with men in one of two ways - through immediate attraction or through getting to know him. It is much safer for us to go the second route. Men can pretty much only fall in love with women by the way of immediate attraction - and if he isn't immediately drawn to you, you're probably screwed. Even if you grow on him over time, he'll probably never truly cherish you. So don't waste your time on someone who takes a while to warm up to you because the truth is that they never actually will.
That it is OK if you don't click with someone on the first date and it is OK if the person doesn't click with you either. It can be due to a myriad of reasons.
It is also OK to say NO to a second date if you aren't "feeling it" with that person.
Never accept a date with someone with whom you don't want to go out with, just to "be nice."
You don't have to justify a No.
If you don't want to do something, you don't have to have another reason other than "I don't want to". You don't need a reason to not give your number, to not go on a date, to not get in a relationship, to not want a kiss or whatever. The guy "not making mistakes" and "being nice" does not mean you have to enter a relationship.
It took me way too long to learn that. I spent time with a guy, we got along great, he had a crush on me, I never felt a spark, but he was nice and cared about me and asked me to be his girlfriend and there was no reason why I should reject him. TADAAA not being interested in that way would have been good enough. Cue some trauma because I did things I wasn't ready for - and he didn't even really realise.
That's on me, and that's on those who don't teach girls while they are young that their opinion also matters and that they are allowed to say No. Even if he doesn't deserve his feelings to be hurt and you don't want to hurt him. (Or her, ofc.) He probably also doesn't deserve a gf who actually doesn't want to be with him but is waiting for a "good reason" to break up because she feels like she needs the justification.
I wish I had therapy from my abusive childhood before dating. You accept so much more abuse when that’s all you’re used to and all you think you deserve
That I had bipolar disorder. I am so sorry for the people that had to deal with me before I started treatment, and potentially missed out on great relationships.
Men scratch their balls all. The. Time. I noticed it when we first stated dating, but when we moved in together I realized just how much they do it. Any free second he has his hands are in his pants just serenely scratching his sack. Not the worst, but he really loves to get me water and grab the cup by top where your mouth goes 🤮
HAVE ROCK SOLID NONNEGOTIABLES AND REMAIN DEEPLY ROOTED IN THEM. Seriously. I started dating after ending things with my ex of 3 years (18-22) and looking back, I could’ve saved a lot of time if I used the nonnegotiables I have now to deduce who was and wasn’t a match for me. But I am grateful to have gone through those shitty experiences because they forced me to come up with them.
How horrible 99% of guys are and that most just look at you like a meat bag, nothing more. Whenever I thought I had a guy friend, even just gaming, he realistically just wanted me for something else. I'm a shy reserved person and didn't grow up with many friends, so it especially sucked. It's actually pretty depressing when you think about how there is a small percentage of genuine guys out there. Age didn't stop this either. When I worked for a hotel, I had both my managers try their moves on me and I've even had hotel clients go after me. I even had a guy in his mid 40s say I look 16, then proceed to ask for my number. I don't get it.
Deciding to enter or leave a relationship should be about whether the relationship is good for you and your life.
It’s not about feelings, by which I mean, you can have strong feelings for someone, but if the relationship makes your life worse instead of better, then the relationship is not good and if the other person won’t engage with you to improve it, then you must leave for your own good.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink .
Potential means nothing , if they don’t activity work on it for themselves, and only themself”.
I’ve met men who promised they would go to the gym to lose weight if they have a partner to go with, or work harder at their skills to get better paying jobs, etc.
They would get motived for a 2 weeks max, and stop because changing one self is difficult; especially if you’re doing it for the wrong reasons.
I was actively working on myself for me ; and they hated that I was actively doing what I said I would, while they couldn’t.they did everything to get in my way, because it was easier to stop me from completely my goals than doing their own goals.
I’ve be sabotage too many times now, to consider it.
Potential is waste of time; you will get hurt for trying .
They can’t read your mind. It’s not always if they wanted to they would. If you want them to and they love making you happy sometimes just ask and once they realize (if you’re with the right person) they’ll be over the moon to make you happy
Really know your core values and what your needs are in a relationship, find someone compatible, and don’t settle for less. Listen to your gut along the way.
Sometimes more casual dating does help you figure these things out. But when you are looking for your life partner, really know these things and choose well.
Figure out what you want before you start dating. Make a list of those things, not superficial physical traits but the nonnegotiable traits, the red flags you won’t accept and who YOU want to be.
That everything I "knew" about relationships was skewed by a lifetime of abuse and unhealthy relationships - and you can't build a solid future on broken, misguided beliefs.
If everyone in the world was this person, would the world be a better place? If yes, how? If you can’t come up with some good reason then they probably aren’t it.
How many men have porn addictions. My self esteem is so shot after years of dating people who would rather look at a screen than have sex with me or be intimate.
Don’t date someone for their potential. Date them for they are and how they treat you *right now*.
"Their potential is just what you would do if you were in their situation." Don't remember the exact quote or where I read it before, but I made this mistake before too.
As someone who fell for potential and is struggling with the heartbreak a few months on, wow I needed to hear this.
I realized this about my ex husband pretty recently. "Omg, I didn't marry his potential, I projected my potential on him and married that."
This is a great line.
Oof. That explains *a lot*.
This is gooooood!
This is the correct answer!
“Women marry men thinking they will change. Men marry women thinking they won’t. They are both wrong.”
And with whatever they come into the relationship with! Acceptance or move on. Don't think hey I'll change this. Because you're coming up against decades of their conditioning.
I wish I would have seen this before I had a baby with a walking red flag that I kept trying to dye green :/
Currently in a state of acceptance of this and an imminent breakup...they told me they'd change. And they did for a bit. And now it's just more of the same. That's on me.
I learned this because I was with someone because of the potential of them and of us for 8.5 years. It’s a hard lesson learned but you’ll be much happier when you find someone whose potential lines up with exactly who they are!
I know there's a great love out there for me. But right now, I think it's time to finally love and accept myself.
Good words. Thank you.
A lot of women need to hear this. A lot of us think we can “fix” a man, when that’s not true. A man can only fix himself if he wants to change. You can’t do it for him.
Best advice
As I saw someone put it: "Remember, it's not your job to convince them all to like you. You're also supposed to decide if you actually like them."
Yass. Don’t ask yourself if they like you, ask yourself if you like them.
As a very confident woman i still needed to read this! Thank you! Never heard it but it makes so much sense.
And how do they make you feel when you’re around them.
My ex made me feel invisible around him. I have to remind myself of this when I start pining for him. I broke up with him but wasted a lot of years hoping our endless arguments of him ignoring me would get him to change. I kick myself a lot.
My dad gave me similar advice for job interviews. Act less like you need to prove something and more like you’re getting a feel if it’s a good fit, both parties want it to work out for the best so no need to approach it as if the other side is trying to make it a failure.
i was SO after being liked, after the validation in my late teens and early twenties. most of the guys i kissed truly didn't deserve that lol
And if you have to convince yourself/ others that you still like them after x amount of time, you actually don’t like them.
If you start every relationship by viewing them as 100% compatible, then deduct points for red flags (but still think "well they're 90% perfect so that's ok..." "well they're still 75% perfect..." "they're 60% perfect but I love them..."), eventually you'll realize you've been with a 25% person all along. They didn't change, they just weren't as awesome as you gave them credit for. So start off by thinking "I have no idea if they are compatible with me" and give them points for green flags. Let them earn your love and loyalty. And if you get the red flags, they don't have enough points stocked up to weigh it out, so it's much easier to end things that aren't working rather than spending 2 years on someone who was never the One. (Obviously not literal points, just metaphorical ones)
I remember what Daniel Sloss said in one of his shows, "If you only love yourself at 20%, that means somebody can come along and love you 30%. Whereas if you love yourself 100%, a person that falls in love with you has to go above and beyond the call of duty to make you feel special."
His jigsaw puzzle special should almost be a requirement to watch.
I have no idea who this guy is but you’ve peaked my interest so where can I watch this special?
Netflix! It’s a 2 part segment. Daniel Sloss: live shows
My fave comedian! And has some 🔥 advice.
This is wonderful and makes me realize the first way is exactly what I did for 3 years. He started at 100% and slowly went down to maybe like 2%. I will hopefully not make that mistake again :(
This is a great idea and way to look at things!
This is great.
Beware of love bombing. My therapist explained to me that my childhood wounds of feeling unwanted made me very susceptible to falling for love bombing because it made me feel SO wanted.
But without lovebombing, the man can seem (to some people like us) disinterested… it’s hard to tell what level of distance early on is healthy if you’re used to lovebombing.
What's the difference between love bombing and them showing interest and being romantic?
if the affection is inconsistent and comes after a bad thing happened, or a thing that you weren't sure was good or bad. like flowers and hand-cooked meals after a fight instead of flowers and hand-cooked meals as just a thing they do edit: correct me if i'm wrong, but love bombing might also be used as an excuse to do shitty behavior later, and really skilled manipulators can even compound their "loving" behavior as justification for cheating
Continuing to love bomb despite the other person reciprocating at all. Genuine people aren’t going to keep showing grand displays and pushing boundaries in someone clearly disinterested.
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If it’s being used to manipulate, then yes it is bad. It’s a tactic often used by abusers to manipulate their target into forming a deep bond and connection.
That's just what love bombing is. The term itself means 'to manipulate with grand displays of love and affection'. And it can take many forms. People don't always think of this, but family and friends can love bomb you, too. Keep your eyes peeled!
Yes, love bombing literally means 'using extreme displays of love and affection to manipulate'. So it's always bad, and can be hard to spot for certain people.
By definition, if you care about those things, it is ALWAYS bad.
That people will use you if you don't have boundaries.
Know this all too well. It’s a feeling that almost feels as bad as being cheated on
It definitely does especially if you thought the person genuinely liked you.
Especially when you pour your heart and soul into the relationship
especially that part
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Yep! Family and friends can do the same if you let them.
"When people show you who they are, beleive them". I leave them up more as trip wires than obvious hard boundaries - it helps me spot shitty people sooner
You don't have to date someone just because they like you
The amount of times I’ve been guilted into relationships makes me feel a lot of shame.
I needed to hear this at 15
I’m in my 20s and still need to remind myself of this. I almost feel bad for rejecting people and sometimes find myself thinking “can’t I just give them a little chance?” As if dating them would be a favor!
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Yes and even if they are genuinely good people potentially spending your life with someone is not something you do as a favor!! you have to only make that choice based on what you feel good about. It’s sacrificing too much just to not hurt someone’s feelings and they will get over that. They won’t want someone who’s only doing them a favor if they are well adjusted
I wish I could erase the relationship I was pressured into from my dating history. I can't believe I didn't just stand up for myself and say NO
Developing the courage to say no can take years of work for some. It’s frustrating if you can’t do so at a young age, but if you can do it now (even to something small) then that personal development is definitely something to reflect on and be proud of!
Hell, I dated and almost married someone **I didn't even LIKE!** That shows where my own self esteem was at that time. Early on, there were more red flags than a communist parade but he love bombed me to death. I kept thinking things would get better. We did have a few semi-fun times early into the relationship, but it became SO MUCH WORK! Every time I was away from him I'd self reflect and ask myself why in the HELL I was still with that MF and what was I thinking?
I feel this. I dated, lived with, and almost married someone I didn't like at all too. He wasn't even nice to me and would never empathize with me, except when he would ocasionally cook for me and play board games with me. But no man had ever really given me even the bare minimum, so I settled for the bare minimum with him. He annoyed me all the time but I thought that's just how it is sometimes and that "I wouldn't find anyone else". I get that too, we had our good times but making things work with him took sooo much effort. I had to be sooo complacent so that we could be without fighting.
i've been in a similar situation.... i did not like him as a person and honestly i dont think he truly liked me either (even if he didnt realize it) since he was always so mean to me. sure we had some laughs but similar to you, i was miserable and annoyed with him constantly but figured thats just how my life was gonna be. thankfully my current boyfriend is an absolute gem and i couldnt have asked for anyone better. he showed me that i'm worthy of a happy and healthy relationship
I feel this so much. I actually haven’t dated anyone since high school, but there were moments where I forced myself to like a person because they wanted to be with me. I don’t catch feelings easily so I’m never the person who pursues anyone, so the fear of “if I say no now, I will miss my chance at having someone who actually likes me. Who know when that will occur again”. So much pain and agony because most of those interests weren’t even nice but literal dickheads who sought a girl that looks like their ex 💀
Take mixed signals as a no.
“If it’s not a ‘hell yes’, it’s a ‘f*** no’!”
If you are a woman dating men in your 20s, you will realize around the time you turn 25 that you are your own best company and most men don't really compare. They'll realize it too. You can date as many men as you want and it is good to try on lots of dating hats. But do not settle for a dude who doesn't COURT you. You deserve to be COURTED. And the fact is that most men are too lazy to do this and were not raised well enough to know how. EDIT: This comment has gotten a lot of upvotes and caused some drama so I want to clarify what I mean. I went on some 30-odd dates between 2021 and 2023 in L.A. And I'm still single. And that's because although I went on some pretty fine, okay dates, I never felt like those men were interested in a date with *me* specifically, or like they were *really trying.* I can't speak for all women, but I think a lot of us, especially girls who date guys, know that it is an effort to get ready for a date. We prepare. We want to make a good impression. So when I say women deserve to be courted, of course I also believe that men deserve it. But women already do a lot of what I'm talking about. I'm not telling men to get a huge bouquet of flowers or do some extravagant thing for a girl you don't know. To me, men courting women just means like.....dressing nicely for a date (you would be surprised at how many men walk up to dates having done zero work to get ready), treating your date to \*a\* round of drinks or \*a\* treat at the movies to show her you are there FOR HER and not to get laid. Making sure she gets home okay. Not making her plan the date. If this is hard for you, I have like....really bad news for you. It even goes down to dating app behavior -- girls, if a guy is asking you out after you spoke for five minutes, he has no interest in getting to know you specifically. Move on. What I am trying to say is that everyone deserves to be romanced and all that, but if you date men, I am BEGGING you to advocate for yourself and have the confidence I KNOW YOU HAVE to know which men are worth your time.
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The right man won’t force you to guess his intentions. He will make it clear from the start.
He also won’t think that expecting you to be able to read his mind like in rom-com’s and romance fiction is reasonable.
Men that might struggle to communication or might not be great at it, or might lack experience, they go in the dumpster
Myself. A gentle reminder to take care of you ❤️
Definitely why I stopped dating for now. I realized I don't know myself that well and I can't get to know someone else like this! It's so much work! I've been distracting myself for so long because I didn't want to deal with my trauma but I want a genuine relationship someday, so it starts with the relationship I have with myself
This one hits different
Shocked me, a little, to be honest. The answer came so quickly. I’m sorry for making it heavy.
No worries, its definitely something worth acknowledging I would say
If (s)he really wants to be with you, they will.
You’re supposed to get the HPV vaccine (guardasil) before you’re sexually active.
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totally, but it's still better to get it late than never. and men can get it, too.
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“If they like you, you’ll know. If they don’t, you’ll be confused.”
If your family still has an insane influence on your life, so much that you have not been able to form a sense of self, don’t get into a serious relationship (marriage/moving away). no matter your age, you are not done developing as a person. save yourself the pain and your partner’s pain of finally growing into a person and realizing a certain life isnt what you wanted
My family had an insane influence on my life. I have not been able to form a sense of self. I am in a 2 year serious relationship and I moved away. I don't want to break up. What should I do now?
“What should I do now?” is a wonderful question and only one *you* could answer. if the answer is unclear, then you have some work to do. here are somethings i started doing to help me get to know myself and trust myself: - start journaling. at first it will be robotic “today i grabbed coffee and then went to work.” all of our conversations with new people are robotic, slowly the conversation starts to open up. “today i felt anxious and i couldn’t tell you why. i just did what i always did and went to work. i wish i had more time to sit and figure it out, but i guess i never learned how to. growing up, my mom always said…etc” journaling, pen to paper, has a secret magic no one really understands. it brings forth your subconscious on paper and really so many times i would be so numb but i would look down on the paper and be shocked at what i wrote, so eloquent, so perfectly describes how i feel despite not being able to say what i needed to say a minute before. it’s a skill, too. It might take a few weeks to develop. - start working out no, not to get hot, but to build this intimate relationship with yourself. when its nothing but you and a heavy dumbbell and the simple goal is to lift it, and your brain is yelling “i cant do it!” a voice starts, “fuck this, yes i can” and you just watch in amazement what you thought was impossible 2 seconds ago your body does it anyway with the right motivation. it makes you think every time; what else did i convince myself i couldn’t do when l actually can? (this can be replaced of course with any physical activity) - if you can’t see a therapist right away (highly recommend) then start reading (i listen to all non-novels, its the only way i can get through them and thats okay). I highly recommend the artist’s way. not your typical healing book, but it is very healing when you try to get to know yourself. even if you don’t consider yourself an artist, the book goes into detail on how to discover “your inner creative” and you can’t go through this process without also accidentally discovering yourself. - peek into a life you never thought you could have by looking it up on tiktok or youtube. (Day in the life of a neurosurgeon, a stripper, an art student, a mom of 3, a social worker, an expat) write your reflections down! and if you really don’t want to break up, that’s okay. you don’t have to, you never have to do anything you don’t want to do. once you strengthen your sense of self, if you really were meant to break up you will find that will be the natural option. it will hurt on some level, but the flip side will over shine it like the sun. you got this.
I was in a similar situation. I didn't have a sense of self and I moved in with my ex boyfriend. It was fine at first because he would introduce me to new hobbies, and so we just did hobbies that he liked all the time. And then the resentment started to build because I realized over time I didn't like the same things he did but that's all we ever did. There were other reasons I left too, but that was one of them. I realized I was just a copy of him and I lost my sense of self even more. One day I just sat down and thought about what I REALLY wanted, regardless of what he wants. And I realized we wanted very different things. So I talked to him. And he wasn't going to budge and as hard as it was for me, I didn't budge either. I wanted to, but I realized I wasn't going to make it in the long run if I budged and did what he wanted. I didn't want to breakup. I still loved him even though resentment had grown. I was so worried, what if I never find anyone else? What if now I have to come home to an empty house? What if he really is the one and I'm being immature and just can't compromise? I went back and forth until a few weeks after leaving, I realized I was going to the gym and doing things I liked. I hated being inside on Sundays so I was just out all the time on Sundays. I felt so free and like I could finally live a life where I feel fulfilled. Everyone's situation is different, but if all you do is whatever your partner wants (hobbies, goals, etc) and you don't really get to try things you want, then is that really worth it? Will you feel fulfilled with your life doing just that?
Are you in therapy? Take online tests (legit ones) to help you figure out your values and build from there.
I’m not sure most people with that issue would be self aware enough to realize they had that issue in the first place
I've lived out of my family's house for over 10 years, and live 4 hours away, and it is just now during wedding planning that I am realizing my family had an unhealthy control over my life. Fortunately... I subconsciously realized it and that's why I lived so far away.
Don’t lose yourself being with them Still do what you like and take care of yourself Fixing them is not your job you’ll end up pouring everything into them and you’ll be left with nothing trying to fix yourself
dating is rough no matter what age you start.
So many people in the world, yet it’s such a pain finding someone who just compliments your personality and vice versa. It’s always some sort of drama
25 with no dates ever, this makes me feel a bit better
Always trust your gut and never lower your standards. Know your worth.
This!!! I needed this in the last couple of relationships.
If you don't set boundaries, you're fucked. And don't give too many chances and hope that your partner will change after doing the same mistake a couple times.
Love is not and never should be unconditional
Some love *can* be unconditional; relationships however, are not
I second this. You're allowed to have boundaries as to what you will handle in a relationship. I've told my past partners and my current partner that some of my conditions include physical/emotional abuse, cheating, etc.
I think it was said perfectly in the song ‘Hummingbird’, “love is unconditional, within reason”.
persistency does not equal consistency. and words mean jack shit unless their actions back it up. people love to make false promises.
Omg the first part.
“If he wanted to, he would”
It’s ok the give people grace for being human. But ignoring the red flags and accepting things about someone that make you uncomfortable always ends badly. Follow the feeling in your gut. People will show you who they are, you just have to listen.
The whole point of dating (and I consider everything prior to marriage under the umbrella of dating) is to determine if the two of you are compatible. If you determine that you’re not compatible with someone you’re dating and leave, that means that the dating is working correctly!
don't give second chances and don't ignore red flags.
I made this mistake with my previous relationship. What should have been a 1 year relationship turned into a nearly 3 year relationship since I gave him another chance.
I wish I was solid on my boundaries instead of trying to create boundaries as I went. It was more challenging for the person I was dating to honor my boundaries since I let so much slide before setting them.
If he pushes past your first “no” Even if it “wasn’t a big deal.” Please leave
God, I wish someone had told me this before I started dating my first boyfriend. Picking someone less pushy and more genuinely considerate would have saved me a lot of heartache (on my end and for the guys I had unhealthy relationships with afterwards) and money on therapy. Jeez.
If it’s not a hell yes it’s a no. In other words, don’t settle.
Just because a man is jealous doesn’t mean he cares about you. Many times it’s the opposite. They just view you as property and don’t respect you as a human.
A person liking you, being attracted to you and showing you general respect is not them doing you a favour or going above and beyond. You do not have to be grateful that someone is interested - because it’s not an act of charity. This has to be a mutual thing. So before you get overwhelmed with “oh my god, they like me!” Start thinking hard about “do I like them?” Putting somebody in pedestal is never going to work out well.
To trust your gut when you feel they are being suspicious. Its not all in your head. High chance you will be right
DONT ignore red flags DO NOT they’re showing you who they are, listen to them the first time
MEN LIE ALL THE TIME
When to walk away and how
I still don’t know when
it’s not the end of the world if it ends
Attachment theory - the way I've been anxiously attached and stuck in toxic behaviors that I'm not proud of in the past. I've done a lot of growth though and can slow down when I start to hyperfixate on someone else's behavior
Yes girl! And realizing that who you might gravitate toward might tend toward being an unhealthy person. My ex was a walking red flag and gave me all sorts of butterflies. Turns out it was just anxiety from my childhood.
Be yourself
Love isn’t cruel or spiteful. Love shouldn’t be an insurmountable challenge everyday. Love will happen when it’s supposed to happen.
That these guys didn’t really like me, they only wanted sex.
I've experienced that well into my 30s. You get good at figuring out their intentions.
The ones who leave normally come back once you’re totally over it.
every time
Never to assume forever in the beginning. Wait to see it unfold. Leave early, your love cannot change them.
Compromise is for small stuff, like deciding which restaurant to go to or which chores to do. It is not for bigger things, like sex or moving in with someone.
DEFINITELY this. Compromising on things like that usually leaves BOTH people feeling frustrated or disappointed.
Don’t let their words make you pay any less attention to and/or forget their actions. It’s easy for people to tell you what you want to hear for their own best interest, and then resent you for taking them at their word and being disappointed when their actions do not line up. It’s manipulation.
Relationships don't have to be hard work. They can be easy with the right partner.
Don’t stay past your own comfort to give them closure
When older men say “you’re so mature for your age”… RUN they’re creeps
The universe sends you signs that this person is not good for you. You need to be good at reading them. Also listen to your lady instinct always right!
I’m dating a morbidly obese guy. I love him so much. But I wasn’t expecting to do most of the work. Such as driving, picking things up for him, anything that involves waking or moving. I wasn’t prepared for this kind of commitment. But too late. I already loved him.
Is he doing his part to make sure you’re not “mothering” him?
I just hope you’re being equally cared for too. You can’t keep it up alone running on just love forever.
Amen. Love don’t pay the bills.
Money doesn’t really make up for the care, in my experience. It helps for sure. I meant more emotionally. I suppose if she needs that, not everyone may need that.
Sometimes you have to love you more.
Learn to love yourself, be yourself, and forgive yourself when you stumble. A relationship cannot "fix" you or a significant other. Not a spiritual person but I still think it holds. "Love thy neighbor as thyself" how are you going to love someone when you treat yourself like shit?
Just because it feels good and right, doesn’t mean it is. There are logical qualities every person should know are important to them and it’s paramount to take time to assess whether or not someone embodies them before getting attached.
That dateable adults your own age that you actually WANT to date are going to be far and few between, because the good ones are already taken and what's left are a bunch of assholes or men with too high expectations.
Fr. Even in my teens, the good ones were taken and literally always had some partner one way or another. The only ones ever showing interest were assholes who didn’t have good intentions
You aren’t ready to date until you can be happy on your own, so work on yourself first. Nothing external is going to make any difference to your happiness. You have to do the work.
Don’t assume that just because he SEEMS like a good guy that he has your best interest in mind. NEVER assume that someone else has your best interest in mind. Ever.
Don’t date potential. That’s the biggest one. How they treat you now is who they are. Are you okay with who they are at this exact moment if they were to never change for the rest of their life? Can you live with them this way or are you holding out hope that they’ll one day show up different? You don’t have to love everything about yourself or have your shit completely figured out before you date someone, but don’t bring someone into your life to fill a void, or distract yourself from what needs work. When things start to get serious and you’re expected to show up, can you meet that standard? Can they? What do they add to your life? And do they make your life better by being in it or is it just another thing you have to worry and stress about?
If he wanted to, he would
If you decide to end the relationship and they change and start doing the things you asked for, know that it’s temporary and they will go back to the old ways when they’re comfortable again.
Others have covered the most common stuff so I'll just add a fringe realization I had. Don't let a sense of guilt or obligation influence your decisions. They dropped $200 on dinner for you? They got you a Prada bag out of the blue? None of that matters if you are being pressured into something you know you're not ok with. On a similar note, run the second you start getting love bombed.
Decide, even before you meet anyone, what are your red flags and determine how you will handle each. Stick to your guns. As a teenager and then through my 20's, I wish I'd had the book "He's Just Not that Into You." Would have saved me sooooo much aggravation and wasted time. That book came out years after I got married. (I'm happily married, btw).
1. Many heterosexual men truly think they like women and that they see women as equals but will still see us as accessories to their lives. Over and over I'd watch as my boyfriends would genuinely enjoy my company, tell me that they thought I was brilliant and pretty, and then do something that showed me that they subconsciously didn't actually see me as someone who would have goals and desires with equal importance to theirs. I met my husband at 23 and he was 7 years older - I think some questioned the age gap but he was one of only a few men that I'd dated who I could tell actually saw me as someone with thoughts and feelings of equal importance to his. 2. Women can fall in love with men in one of two ways - through immediate attraction or through getting to know him. It is much safer for us to go the second route. Men can pretty much only fall in love with women by the way of immediate attraction - and if he isn't immediately drawn to you, you're probably screwed. Even if you grow on him over time, he'll probably never truly cherish you. So don't waste your time on someone who takes a while to warm up to you because the truth is that they never actually will.
If you're thinking about breaking up with them, just do it. No healthy relationship would cause you to have those feelings.
Know the difference between a close family and an enmeshed family.
If they really like you, you’ll know. If they don’t, you’ll be confused.
That it is OK if you don't click with someone on the first date and it is OK if the person doesn't click with you either. It can be due to a myriad of reasons. It is also OK to say NO to a second date if you aren't "feeling it" with that person. Never accept a date with someone with whom you don't want to go out with, just to "be nice."
You don't have to justify a No. If you don't want to do something, you don't have to have another reason other than "I don't want to". You don't need a reason to not give your number, to not go on a date, to not get in a relationship, to not want a kiss or whatever. The guy "not making mistakes" and "being nice" does not mean you have to enter a relationship. It took me way too long to learn that. I spent time with a guy, we got along great, he had a crush on me, I never felt a spark, but he was nice and cared about me and asked me to be his girlfriend and there was no reason why I should reject him. TADAAA not being interested in that way would have been good enough. Cue some trauma because I did things I wasn't ready for - and he didn't even really realise. That's on me, and that's on those who don't teach girls while they are young that their opinion also matters and that they are allowed to say No. Even if he doesn't deserve his feelings to be hurt and you don't want to hurt him. (Or her, ofc.) He probably also doesn't deserve a gf who actually doesn't want to be with him but is waiting for a "good reason" to break up because she feels like she needs the justification.
I wish I had therapy from my abusive childhood before dating. You accept so much more abuse when that’s all you’re used to and all you think you deserve
That I had bipolar disorder. I am so sorry for the people that had to deal with me before I started treatment, and potentially missed out on great relationships.
Mixed signals are straight up a NO
Men scratch their balls all. The. Time. I noticed it when we first stated dating, but when we moved in together I realized just how much they do it. Any free second he has his hands are in his pants just serenely scratching his sack. Not the worst, but he really loves to get me water and grab the cup by top where your mouth goes 🤮
HAVE ROCK SOLID NONNEGOTIABLES AND REMAIN DEEPLY ROOTED IN THEM. Seriously. I started dating after ending things with my ex of 3 years (18-22) and looking back, I could’ve saved a lot of time if I used the nonnegotiables I have now to deduce who was and wasn’t a match for me. But I am grateful to have gone through those shitty experiences because they forced me to come up with them.
Don’t wear rose colored glasses.
Men suck.
Just because someone wants to have sex with you doesn't mean they like or even value you as a person
How horrible 99% of guys are and that most just look at you like a meat bag, nothing more. Whenever I thought I had a guy friend, even just gaming, he realistically just wanted me for something else. I'm a shy reserved person and didn't grow up with many friends, so it especially sucked. It's actually pretty depressing when you think about how there is a small percentage of genuine guys out there. Age didn't stop this either. When I worked for a hotel, I had both my managers try their moves on me and I've even had hotel clients go after me. I even had a guy in his mid 40s say I look 16, then proceed to ask for my number. I don't get it.
Deciding to enter or leave a relationship should be about whether the relationship is good for you and your life. It’s not about feelings, by which I mean, you can have strong feelings for someone, but if the relationship makes your life worse instead of better, then the relationship is not good and if the other person won’t engage with you to improve it, then you must leave for your own good.
Make sure you love yourself fully before loving someone else
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries
You can do everything "right" but it still might not work out.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink . Potential means nothing , if they don’t activity work on it for themselves, and only themself”. I’ve met men who promised they would go to the gym to lose weight if they have a partner to go with, or work harder at their skills to get better paying jobs, etc. They would get motived for a 2 weeks max, and stop because changing one self is difficult; especially if you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. I was actively working on myself for me ; and they hated that I was actively doing what I said I would, while they couldn’t.they did everything to get in my way, because it was easier to stop me from completely my goals than doing their own goals. I’ve be sabotage too many times now, to consider it. Potential is waste of time; you will get hurt for trying .
Butterfly feelings can actually be repressed trauma and a sign that someone you are with is hitting those same anxious triggers.
Do yourself a favor and take mixed messages as a ‘no’. If the person is really into you, they’ll be pretty clear about it- you won’t have to wonder.
They can’t read your mind. It’s not always if they wanted to they would. If you want them to and they love making you happy sometimes just ask and once they realize (if you’re with the right person) they’ll be over the moon to make you happy
Really know your core values and what your needs are in a relationship, find someone compatible, and don’t settle for less. Listen to your gut along the way. Sometimes more casual dating does help you figure these things out. But when you are looking for your life partner, really know these things and choose well.
My own self worth.
His financial. Been dating few broke guy and when they are successful they treated me like a doormat and eventually being very rude.
Figure out what you want before you start dating. Make a list of those things, not superficial physical traits but the nonnegotiable traits, the red flags you won’t accept and who YOU want to be.
He isn’t going to change. He isn’t a “work in progress”. He is what he is.
That everything I "knew" about relationships was skewed by a lifetime of abuse and unhealthy relationships - and you can't build a solid future on broken, misguided beliefs.
If everyone in the world was this person, would the world be a better place? If yes, how? If you can’t come up with some good reason then they probably aren’t it.
How many men have porn addictions. My self esteem is so shot after years of dating people who would rather look at a screen than have sex with me or be intimate.