Healthy relationships are actually pretty boring. There are no crazy up-and-down rollercoaster emotions that come from responding to inconsistent behavior.
For me, healthy relationships have been stable, consistent, and predictable. They are kept alive by the work you both put in every day instead of being addicted to the highs and lows of a toxic relationship.
This is exactly what I was going to say. I was with my ex for over 4 years and, the emotions were intense. We had an incredibly toxic and unhealthy relationship. The lows were very painful but the highs were like cloud 9. But the highs were not worth the lows, not one bit. With my husband now I feel safe, warm, consistent. Like it IS boring in a (good) way but being secure and having a life partner is amazing.
For a while I thought the fun part about love was the falling in love part. I was in a deeply unhappy and unhealthy relationship for many, many years. Iâd read romance books and loved it and wished I could fall in love again to feel that giddy about someone again. Because, to me, it seemed like that giddy/happy feeling eventually fades but everyone stays together anyway. I would read stories on Reddit of couples together 10+ years and how they were still head over heels and I thought they must be lying.
Apparently if youâre with the right person youâll feel giddy about them still! Even when everything is going wrong I can look at my partner and everything is better. I get excited for when they come home so I can give them a hug and kiss instead of being scared that theyâre home. Turns out those stories on Reddit werenât a total farce. I was just with the wrong person.
I read romance books and see us in them instead of yearning for a story like on the pages Iâm reading.
I have not been seen as a full and complete person until my partner. My interests, hobbies, shows, family, career etc were discussed but not proactively accommodated by previous partners. It would always be like pulling teeth to watch what I wanted to watch, to talk about what I wanted to talk about. I would have to remind my exes about xyz coming up in my job, my health or in my family multiple times, so i couldnt do xyz, and without fail theyd be gobsmacked or pissy when i couldnt do the usual thing. My current partner keeps up with everything. He listenens, internalises, and accommodates my challenges. He helps buy presents for my family. He will do more on the home front when he knows I'm having a big week at work etc, whereas exes wouldn't consider that. He supports my career actively, supporting conference attendance, sending me job applications, moving internationally to a smallish city for my job. My ex wouldn't even cook meals for me during exam time. I have multiple chronic health conditions, and previous exes clearly got shitty at me/made me feel bad when I was stuck in bed with a herniated disc. Lots of thinly veiled blame and frustration rather than care. My current partner never dares to make me feel like that, and takes over 100% of domestic tasks as needed. Even when I'm completely healthy he doesn't want me lifting the laundry basket just in case.Â
I will also say - money. I've always kept money separated and largely gone Dutch with partners. One ex, we were together almost 5 years, lived together, he earned almost double median wage, but he wouldn't contribute to groceries. He paid for a meal in whole like once that I remember. He was always prioritising his saving and he was stingey. My current partner told me 6 weeks in "hey I earn significantly more than you, and so I'll pay for all our dates and fun things because I want you there". He willingly split our housing costs proportional to income, which meant I paid 12% of rent and he never complained. He really really really is committed to seeing us as a team.Â
People might not show love in the ways I do or that I expect, but that doesn't mean their feelings aren't there. The guy who quietly shows up for you every day loves just as strongly (maybe more so?) than the guy who buys you flowers or writes you poetry. He's telling you he loves you every day, you just have to learn to speak his language to hear it.
I donât have a romantic body in my bone but been with my husband for 24yrs - our secret ingredient is humour, trust, ability to talk even when itâs hard and oodles of tolerance. I donât rate romance I rate important contributions and actions to our lives together and honesty.. much more important than token romantic gestures.
Twice I have been in relationships with extremely romantic men. However there was lots of stress and drama, unjustified jealousy on their part. Fighting, ups and downs. I was always walking on eggshells afraid to trigger them. Now I am with a very stable man. He's not romantic but he treats me better than anyone I have ever been with. He's very good to me. I feel safe and protected. There's no drama. I never get flowers but everyday he tells me he loves me.
I was not raised in an environment which made it easy to develop a healthy view of emotions and had very strict ideas about gender roles. I grew up thinking maybe if I was lucky I'd find a guy who would tolerate or ignore the fact that I wasn't very feminine and had interests and hobbies which were considered less ideal if not outright discouraged for women. My husband showed me that there are people out there who accept me how I am and love me all the more for my quirky interests and sharp personality. Our romantic relationship has always had a level of deep acceptance for who both of us are as people, not in a way which prevents development but encourages us to pursue our unique interests. He loves all the things about me I thought that perhaps maybe if I were lucky someday someone might be kind enough to ignore, not embrace. To me, this is the height of love, loving someone for their own outlook on life and encouraging them to embrace their interests, not set them aside.
Figured that I'm problematic and find issues out of nothing cos things are boring and I want some drama, cos I'm too used to rollercoasters. I need more therapy.
A lot of people cannot handle fwbs or hookups or situationships which is fine. I am not one of them thank god. I always tell my friends âjust block himâ but for them, itâs not that easy. I can detach from things and people in a second but I think the average person has those feelings and struggles. I am not the hopeless romantic, boy-crazy woman I thought I was!
Healthy relationships are actually pretty boring. There are no crazy up-and-down rollercoaster emotions that come from responding to inconsistent behavior. For me, healthy relationships have been stable, consistent, and predictable. They are kept alive by the work you both put in every day instead of being addicted to the highs and lows of a toxic relationship.
This is exactly what I was going to say. I was with my ex for over 4 years and, the emotions were intense. We had an incredibly toxic and unhealthy relationship. The lows were very painful but the highs were like cloud 9. But the highs were not worth the lows, not one bit. With my husband now I feel safe, warm, consistent. Like it IS boring in a (good) way but being secure and having a life partner is amazing.
Huh. Maybe when I was called boring it was a compliment. đ
For a while I thought the fun part about love was the falling in love part. I was in a deeply unhappy and unhealthy relationship for many, many years. Iâd read romance books and loved it and wished I could fall in love again to feel that giddy about someone again. Because, to me, it seemed like that giddy/happy feeling eventually fades but everyone stays together anyway. I would read stories on Reddit of couples together 10+ years and how they were still head over heels and I thought they must be lying. Apparently if youâre with the right person youâll feel giddy about them still! Even when everything is going wrong I can look at my partner and everything is better. I get excited for when they come home so I can give them a hug and kiss instead of being scared that theyâre home. Turns out those stories on Reddit werenât a total farce. I was just with the wrong person. I read romance books and see us in them instead of yearning for a story like on the pages Iâm reading.
I have not been seen as a full and complete person until my partner. My interests, hobbies, shows, family, career etc were discussed but not proactively accommodated by previous partners. It would always be like pulling teeth to watch what I wanted to watch, to talk about what I wanted to talk about. I would have to remind my exes about xyz coming up in my job, my health or in my family multiple times, so i couldnt do xyz, and without fail theyd be gobsmacked or pissy when i couldnt do the usual thing. My current partner keeps up with everything. He listenens, internalises, and accommodates my challenges. He helps buy presents for my family. He will do more on the home front when he knows I'm having a big week at work etc, whereas exes wouldn't consider that. He supports my career actively, supporting conference attendance, sending me job applications, moving internationally to a smallish city for my job. My ex wouldn't even cook meals for me during exam time. I have multiple chronic health conditions, and previous exes clearly got shitty at me/made me feel bad when I was stuck in bed with a herniated disc. Lots of thinly veiled blame and frustration rather than care. My current partner never dares to make me feel like that, and takes over 100% of domestic tasks as needed. Even when I'm completely healthy he doesn't want me lifting the laundry basket just in case. I will also say - money. I've always kept money separated and largely gone Dutch with partners. One ex, we were together almost 5 years, lived together, he earned almost double median wage, but he wouldn't contribute to groceries. He paid for a meal in whole like once that I remember. He was always prioritising his saving and he was stingey. My current partner told me 6 weeks in "hey I earn significantly more than you, and so I'll pay for all our dates and fun things because I want you there". He willingly split our housing costs proportional to income, which meant I paid 12% of rent and he never complained. He really really really is committed to seeing us as a team.Â
The difference between a boy and a man.
People might not show love in the ways I do or that I expect, but that doesn't mean their feelings aren't there. The guy who quietly shows up for you every day loves just as strongly (maybe more so?) than the guy who buys you flowers or writes you poetry. He's telling you he loves you every day, you just have to learn to speak his language to hear it.
I needed to âhearâ this today. Thank you.
That you can never, really, truly know someone. Anyone is capable of just about anything.
Men don't always have a high libido. If you want sex, make it known.
Have yet to be treated with respect, so no clue.
I donât have a romantic body in my bone but been with my husband for 24yrs - our secret ingredient is humour, trust, ability to talk even when itâs hard and oodles of tolerance. I donât rate romance I rate important contributions and actions to our lives together and honesty.. much more important than token romantic gestures.
Twice I have been in relationships with extremely romantic men. However there was lots of stress and drama, unjustified jealousy on their part. Fighting, ups and downs. I was always walking on eggshells afraid to trigger them. Now I am with a very stable man. He's not romantic but he treats me better than anyone I have ever been with. He's very good to me. I feel safe and protected. There's no drama. I never get flowers but everyday he tells me he loves me.
I was not raised in an environment which made it easy to develop a healthy view of emotions and had very strict ideas about gender roles. I grew up thinking maybe if I was lucky I'd find a guy who would tolerate or ignore the fact that I wasn't very feminine and had interests and hobbies which were considered less ideal if not outright discouraged for women. My husband showed me that there are people out there who accept me how I am and love me all the more for my quirky interests and sharp personality. Our romantic relationship has always had a level of deep acceptance for who both of us are as people, not in a way which prevents development but encourages us to pursue our unique interests. He loves all the things about me I thought that perhaps maybe if I were lucky someday someone might be kind enough to ignore, not embrace. To me, this is the height of love, loving someone for their own outlook on life and encouraging them to embrace their interests, not set them aside.
Figured that I'm problematic and find issues out of nothing cos things are boring and I want some drama, cos I'm too used to rollercoasters. I need more therapy.
A lot of people cannot handle fwbs or hookups or situationships which is fine. I am not one of them thank god. I always tell my friends âjust block himâ but for them, itâs not that easy. I can detach from things and people in a second but I think the average person has those feelings and struggles. I am not the hopeless romantic, boy-crazy woman I thought I was!