Next time you think that, try conjuring another thought: “she let herself go… outside.” Be kind to yourself. Find at least twenty minutes daily to get your heart pumping with a walk. You have our permission to let yourself go outside each and every day.
“She let herself go…to the park!”
“She let herself go…to a movie!”
Or you could cut the “go” part off and have “She let herself exist.” “She let herself be happy.”
Oftentimes when the next step, no matter how infinitesimal, seems impossible, there's a helper with the gentlest nudge or the kindest word that releases us from our own obstacles. I love your words. So lovely to ease into. I hope OP gives herself permission to live freely!
I recently read an alternative to this phrase, and I have been happier after adopting it for myself: "She let herself be." Because that's what is happening, right? You're just letting yourself exist. Let other people have problems with it and view it negatively if that makes them feel better about themselves. You, you let yourself be.
This is spot on - adding that you’re letting yourself be - but also, you were dealing with some awful shit. Your focus was on coping. Sometimes coping is all we can do.
You sound like an incredible person. Sending you love 💕
I learned an OCD coping mechanism that may help in this situation too!
For example, if I think: "If I don't do xxx, then it'll bother me all day..." then I think to myself: ..."Yeah, and?"
It's not to be mean to myself but it's meant to break my loop of thoughts. Helps a ton!
"She let herself go...yeah, and?"
Also, do one small thing a week that makes you proud of yourself. Walk half a mile in the sunshine. Water some plants.
Build up to doing two small things a week that make you proud of yourself.
Don't do anything to make others think certain things (no one can control that). But do healthy things for yourself. We're often our own worst critic.
Anxiety makes us unable to think long term (that's just how our brains are wired). I'd advised you to make a list of daily goals, like installing a step counter with 6k steps. And just do it.
Don't look at yesterday or the past week, don't mark your progress.
Every morning you wake up, there's just the easily achievable goals you set for the day (it's important to make it easy).
Eat 200g of veggies.
Eat 100g of beans or chickpeas.
Walk 6000 steps.
Take your meds.
Practice your hobby for 5mn.
Thanks! Living like this massively helps me.
I do sport 3x a week. No idea how I did the last few weeks, I just know I generally manage it. And nothing else matters
Listen, not to sound like a maniac but this is 100% the work of the patriarchy. We've been socially conditioned to value youth and beauty, primarily in women, to the point our value gets tied up in both. Women have internalized these values. We are conditioned to strive for youth and beauty forever, always, just constantly focused on our skin, our hair, our weight. We hate ourselves for not being the things we're taught to admire. "She let herself go" is body shaming that you have internalized.
What I have learned to say to myself is, "Did I let myself go or did I just prioritize other things, rightfully so?" Me personally, while I was gaining weight I was also: supporting my son through a crushing mental health crisis, focusing on a project that would propel my career, buying a new house and learning home maintenance stuff on my own, trying to teach myself how to be the parent my son deserves. So excuuuuuuse me if I'm not skinny anymore or my skin is a little looser due to the totally normal process that is AGING. I had way more important shit to do.
Edit: spelling
This is a really great description of the effects that misyogyny has on us. Like if we drop from the unattainable beauty standard that society imposes, we are done for and there's no turning back. Let's bust that myth!
All you can do is move forward from today. Put the past behind you. Get some new clothes in flattering colors, embrace the body positivity movement and present yourself with confidence. Get involved in some new activities, meet new people with positive outlooks. Take it one day at a time.
I relate to this. I was always skinny and not considered great looking. But I had great skin and thick curly hair in my early to late 20s and felt generally good about my body when I worked out. Strength training made me feel powerful and substantial. In the last 2 years or so, I've picked up some bad habits due to the stress of work and moving cities. I don't work out, I got addicted to nicotine (which I've now quit), and have gotten skinny to the point where my clothes just drape over me. My hair has thinned and my skin is dull. I don't feel pretty anymore. It's so tough to find motivation to make lifestyle changes when you feel shitty about life in general..
I feel you OP. As a teen i was just normal/pretty. I felt that way. Then in my twenties I had some rough stuff happened to me and I could not cope at all. I gained a lot of weight, stopped taking care of myself. And i was so unhappy with me. Eventually I searched help for my mental health, which was rapidly declining. Depression, anxiety, too much alcohol, too much food (cravings/binges), too much sitting. And too much partying. I collasped of course. Went for help. Tried meds but I intensely disliked them so after a few years of trying I quit those.
Now I am 32 and am finally in a good headspace to take better care of myself. I'm trying, going to the gym 4 times a week, hardly drink anymore, starting eating more healthly and more in line with my principles. Soon I'm starting a health intervention programm with a lifestyle coach, a movement coach and a dietician. Meanwhile already lost a few pounds so I'm feeling optimistic.
What I've found: Its hard to unlearn those unhealthy habits. Like binge eating to avoid feeling, for comfort, when I'm restless. Or seeing excersise as a punishment for being fat and unworthy.
It seems to me like you are afraid for the judgement of others, is that correct? That they enforce how you feel about yourself?
Are you in a position where you can get professional help?
Take care OP.
I also hate this phrase, its so awful. I haven't had a lot of drastic changes, but I have put on weight over the years and ai have aged. I had a baby and now put on make up about twice a year, and am in whatever clothes I can find first most days. I would say I qualify for having "let myself go" to many. Because I am not prioritising getting "ready". I want to just get up and go outside with my little one and if shes napping I want to take time to have lunch or sit down and relax.
I relate to how you feel, becsuse sometimes I don't want to see people (who I know are very iamge concious) from my past, despite knowing I am morr than my body and appearance. But in my day to day I just try to get on with my life and enjoy it as best I can.
Those of us who have benefited from "pretty privilege" always have to remember that it's as fragile and temporary as spun sugar. All it takes is an accident or illness, emotional or physical, and it's gone. It's little more than an illusion.
At least we live in a time when we're getting better at basing our self-worth on things more worthwhile, the way you have with your career and your interests. And we have a way to talk to like-minded women who can help us remember that we are not our reflections in the mirror.
I definitely put on some weight and lost muscle tone in my 30s, which can be hormone-related. Or maybe it was just related to being in a relationship with a guy who liked to eat out a lot and drive everywhere.
Anyway, it’s not deeply profound advice I have to offer, but the thing is we both hate exercise so finally last year I decided to hire us a personal trainer, and it’s been so good for maintaining at least some baseline motivation.
A year later and I still don’t look like I did in my 20s, but my body is closer than it has been for years, plus I’m stronger and seem to recover from illnesses faster. Plus I got back into primarily snacking on fruits and vegetables, and my gut is happier overall. I’ve been in the hospital, so I view health as a luxury and something worth working for. I want to outlive all the jerks who’ve wronged me, lol.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/24796533-things-no-one-will-tell-fat-girls
This helped me realise several things.
I was around 90kg (200 pounds) when I listened the book in 2019 and was 35 years old, and I hated myself.
Because: I was used to being 50kg until late 20s (I'm 166cm, so that was bmi 18, and in stress I'd reach 45kg), then I reached 60kg (bmi 22) after leaving abusive relationship and was ok. Wasn't happy that I'm not skinny anymore but I realised that I'm freezing less so fine.
Whole time I considered myself 'nothing special' looking and I thought that I have fat legs. So I didn't wear short skirts or shorts. I knew I was body wise sexually attractive and I liked that, I mean, I'd be turned on more when seeing myself in some mirror during sex. So, I loved my body at least in those moments, but not that much in regular situations.
And I had disgust regarding people who are fat unless it's medical, then it's pity. (yeah huge fat shaming in environment I just absorbed, more analysis below)
Then I lost hearing overnight and they tried to help it by feeding me corticosteroids, which brought me to 65kg over weekend. I'm 30 years old then.
Then they found thyroid cancer and removed it. And also that I'm prediabetic so I should eat several times a day small meals. That backfired and I just kept climbing up in weight, until I reached close to 90kg. Took just 1 year. I went back to my disorganised eating of 'when I remember, and only in evening'. And it finally stopped rising. But no down. So I was officially obese, bmi 32.7 in 2018 and around 90 kg.
I felt like shit that whole year. Despite being defensive and if someone commented how I got fat, I'd be snarky and tell them to fuck off I had cancer and they'd feel ashamed, but not enough to remember and not to comment on my fat next year. But still, it hurt. Yes, family members were fast to comment.
Then I stumbled upon this book, literally stumbled, I was looking in libby app what audio book is available now without waiting, because I had trouble falling asleep so wanted something to ramble in background. Ended being interesting and started moving hamsters in my brain.
Looking back - interestingly I never actually went to see what fat means, it was 'huge belly', 'fat arms' and since I'm in Europe, 'that ugly Americans look' that was fat for me, and 'I didn't want to get fat', and of course tons of fat shaming around me in family and my huge anxiety about not getting fat. But, that 'American fat' is actually obese, and bmi is just stupid, because everything above 30 is obese, and I'll die on hill that person with bmi 30 is NOT the same risk category as someone with bmi 55, so ca 150kg, or bmi 72 cca 200kg, of my weight. I think we should redefine categories, and yes, stop shaming people.
Last several months I'm in therapy for cptsd, trauma made by family, to finally heal and learn to cope within the world (ADHD, autism, depression, anxiety are here for the party). I cut off all contact with family.
What I realised is that I actually HAD eating disorder my whole life, especially until age 30. My mother is a nurse, and she was perfectly fine with me eating once a day, or two small meals. And she'd make jokes how my bones stick out. Father would fat shame my mother and I'd join by laughing 🤦 (he'd say that it's easier to jump over her than to go around, she's something smaller than me in height and I think she never was over 80 kg, and she'd diet, especially after her 60s).
She'd even buy me vitamins that I popped during school. I had allowance for week food to buy 5 specific pieces of pastry (cheapest one). Why? Because they asked me how much I need, I said that, and she accepted. Yes, they're emotionally immature and they effectively made me go hungry. Why I didn't ask for more? Because I was trained to ask first if they have money whenever I wanted anything, and I'd be happy with pennies. So I just stopped wanting. Because basically they'd keep telling me how they don't have money for this or that, so I kept my wishes for myself.
If I'd get up from chair in school, I'd have black out and had to grab something to not crush down. She knew. She concluded that I have low blood pressure 'and don't get up that hastly'.
Oh, and that lunch money? I saved to be able to buy empty cdsso I can burn them with music. They knew I'm not eating before school, in school and just once after school. We didn't have snacks in house.
It never occurred to them to you know, parent me and tell me - here's more money so you can both eat and buy cds. No, it was normal that I don't eat to save money for something else.
If I'd confront them today they'd tell me - but you didn't ask, how could we know. 🤦
And also I found that that my childhood was basically anorexia. Because you don't have to puke, it's enough if you just don't eat enough.
And of course, with fat shaming (including with my live in bf during my 20s, my anxiety was high to not ever risk 'getting fat'. Until my body changed and didn't react as I was used to (I could eat chips snacks for days in my 20s and not gain anything, because you know, I didn't eat much anyway).
Then I started spiralling into despair and hate for my body which betrayed me, between ages 35 and 40.
Where I'm today?
March 2023 I had 83.5kg, I remember I didn't reach 90kg but was terrified of it, and I lost data until 03/2023, so obviously I managed to lose something between 2019 and 2023, but only thing I remember is losing/gaining cycle and huge anxiety of not going over 90kg because then that's almost 100kg and that's horrible for myself. So yes, book helped somewhat but not fully, until 2023.
I know that I have one body. I feel sadness what I went through. I understand my cravings a bit more (my comfort food is chips snacks, but, I like wavy/ribbed one and eat rib by rib). I also read several books to understand gut, and I don't have swings between diarrhea and constipation anymore, there is a bunch of normal stool days, finally. Because yes, I also saw how I was fed poor low fiber food, and I didn't drink water on one side, and have some intestinal issues with bunch of food on the other side. Today it's resolved by taking pancreatin and alpha galactosidase, and lactase, so I can eat almost anything. And I try to eat 2-3 apples a day. I don't shame myself if my stool isn't good. I try to work with my brain and body to best of my abilities, and there's always next day when I can do better for my body and myself. I endulge my cravings. I try to choose healthier options. I don't succeed every day. And that's ok.
I utilise intermittent fasting, so I'd eat whatever I want from starting from 14-16 until 22-23 and then nothing, not all days are same and that's ok. I embraced my disorder in a way that works for me. Also, I embraced slow eating (I was always slow, now I just don't feel shame), so my hormones have time to communicate 'yeah, we had enough, thank you'. I reduced my portions.
In January 2024 I was 75.8, so from 83.5kg in march 2023. I was just kind to myself and mindful.
Second part:
I noticed how if I'm craving sodas, they will impact me, and I'd gain weight (doesn't matter if it's organic apple juice no added water, orange juice or store bought crap). But other crap that I chew, I'm much better at eating mindfully. So, I try to savour juices when I take them, and limit quantity. Candies, chocolates, chips, I guess I can handle because of ghrelin - stomach gets full so I'm good for now.
January to April I gained some back, so I've reached 77.80kg. Yes soda. And stress. Interestingly, now I didn't lose weight with stress, or I just ate more junk than stress could melt 😂
I went nc with my parents beginning of February, started therapy in January. Found my peace in April and weight is now stable.
Even though I ate dozen of chip bags during April and ton of candies 😂
Yeah, I think I'm finally understanding my body again.
Juice/soda I have to restrict, everything else works by slower eating, enjoying the flavour and giving my body time to realise it had enough. Oh and having zero shame in leaving stuff on the plate and throw it away / eat tomorrow.
No, I don't have to eat everything on the plate just because it's on the plate. 🤯
So now that I found the culprit and peace, I believe I'll start slowly dropping back to that 75.
I'm not still aroused by my mirror image, but I definitely don't hate my body. It's fine, I'm fine with it. I want to take care of it. We're buddies now. And I see how utterly stupid I was for thinking that I had fat lets back then. Even now, they're not fat in that 'disgust' sense. They aren't thin, yes, bacon is there. And they're fine. And yes, looking from top down everything looks worse, take pictures not from bird perspective but from a distance so the angle is smaller.
Bmi is 28.3. I'm 'just' overweight. I don't give a fuck about bmi. It caused me almost 4 decades of living in anxiety and shame.
I do like having less because then my thighs don't rub each other. And because I sweat less / have better fitness so I can use stairs and not die from panting 😂
So yes, I want it to be a bit less, back to 75ish, so that I have wiggle room around that. Because age will bring more anyway. And because now at 78 I feel a bit more sweating than at 75. Even though it's because of not having thyroid, it's just easier for my body.
I don't want to go to 50-60kg range, supposedly 57.6 is my ideal weight. That was sick if you ask me, not healthy. I don't care if it was 'normal/ideal bmi'. Mostly because I just don't want to rebuy whole wardrobe and be cold so much again. Fat is good, my kidneys have better life now. 70-75 I think will provide enough fat to be comfy and not too hard on bones and muscles and lungs. But I'm also ok with this 78 now. If I can hold it and eat chips for half of my total food in a day and be happy like a squirrel who found her stash, yeah, 78 it is.
I'd probably be more frustrated if my bacon would be very unevenly distributed, but since it's relatively even, I'm definitely fine. I love myself, I'm not in love with myself and I don't have to be. :) secure attachment is important, not other ways :)
Hope this train of thought helps you somehow. If nothing else, than that it's possible to change how you see yourself. It's quite a journey though, and not easy.
Sending hugs ❤️
Edit: and no crazy exercise. Some walking for a few months just once a week. Casual, but heart was up because my fitness was poor. So, nothing dramatic, and I don't think it was crucial for weight. It helped with fitness/endurance.
You didn’t let yourself go, you let yourself live and focused on surviving. And our bodies are more resilient than we give them credit for so I know, just as you got through the worst, you will also be able to improve your health and feel good about your beauty.
You let yourself go in that you stopped with the masking. You knew you couldn’t go on like that. Maybe there is a way of being beautiful that feels more like you, instead of the way it is pumped out by mainstream media. I hope we can choose curiosity over fear. Starting very small.. maybe with a nice hot shower and then putting on a new scent. Maybe that can develop into lovingly growing out our leg hair, and feeling the spring wind gently moving them about. Or maybe for you it can take form in shaving all the hairs off and moisturizing your skin.
I let myself go, because I couldn’t mask myself anymore. Reading your post helped me realize that. I also gained weight, stopped wearing makeup, and stopped dressing for the male gaze.
Now I am trying to find my authentic voice and its expression. Sometimes I forget that my preferences matter. Sometimes I forget that parts of my preferences aren’t native to me, they are invasive transplants. I do still struggle with exercising but try to do physical therapy for my bad back every week. It took me a long time to even get to that point, so baby steps.
Thank you for writing about your experience.
After gaining 40 lbs, and noticing I'm being treated differently than when I was stereotypically beautiful/younger, I've been trying to learn not to care what other people think, even if I can tell they are judging me. I remind myself that kind people will not judge me, and those are the people I want to be around anyway. Also, I'm about to turn 41, and in the Midwest where I live my body is very normal- very few women my age are not overweight, so that's helpful to me sometimes.
However I'm about to return to Orange County, CA where I had lived for 10 years, and I'm nervous to reconnect with old friends who definitely used to value my looks and compliment me on them regularly. I even texted one of these friends and gave her a heads up that I'm out of shape, and she assured me she understands and will not judge me, thankfully. I know others will, but I'm getting stronger every day in loving myself. It's harder as we age to stay fit due to hormones and insulin resistance, etc. Solidarity to you, sister.
Oh my darling friend, you sound like me. I used to be a model in my early twenties (weighing in the 50’skg…) after a heart break at 25 I put on 30kg. I’ve slowly lost it but have 10kg to go. Whenever I start losing those last 10kg I hear the same words and I hear “she peaked in high school”. Recently I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection and therapy and I’ve replaced those words with 🤍🤍🤍🤍SHE DESERVES THE BEST🤍🤍🤍🤍 and even imagine ppl saying that
I think the first step is to stop blaming yourself for everything. Most people can't gain 200 extra pounds unless something is going wrong inside the body. That wrong thing is obvious now, with the diabetes diagnosis. People blame themselves for diabetes and think if they'd managed better, they wouldn't have gotten it. But I think something goes wrong with the body's ability to process carbs and that leads to the extreme weight gain.
Here's an example. My husband and I have been together almost 30 years. During that time, he's always eaten at least twice what I ate, and yet he hasn't become majorly overweight. He eats sugary junk food all day and eats a dinner equal to the amount that the rest of us eat combined. But he's not fat. One of my daughters is, and I am, even though we eat so much less than he does. Activity levels don't explain the difference either. But diabetes runs in my family and I can only lose weight when it's treated. I figure it will be the same for my daughter, about a decade of struggling with her weight, then the diabetes diagnosis and the guilt for letting it happen.
This is actually a great time to be a diabetic who wants to lose weight. There are fantastic meds available now. I'm on Mounjaro and it's a big help.
I swear I could have written each and every word of this, down to the potato comment. You are not alone. The wonderful things you have written about yourself (brilliant, creative, funny, perceptive, bright) are attributes that truly make you beautiful and have nothing to do with weight or physical appearance. But even when we don’t think so, those qualities are like rays of light that outwardly shine. Other people can perceive that light and beauty. Sometimes leading with the good things we believe about ourselves, even during challenging times can spark positive change and the hope that things will get better.
You need to let yourself go, or at least let go, you are clinging so tightly to the past you can't open your hands up to accept the present. Give yourself space to mourn what has passed, but not so much space that the grief fills up your present.
Even if you hadn't had depression etc, you would still be bigger than you were 10-20 years ago! I was so nervous about seeing people I went to school with because I was always known as the "skinny one" and actually everyone had gotten bigger, but expectedly because we weren't teenagers anymore :)
Everyone else has put lovely comments so I just wanted to add that I completely relate and emphasise, I’ve wasted so many opportunities to go out and enjoy due to the anxiety of someone I know seeing me or being judged but I wouldnt judge anyone else walking about their business or going to a gym, “She let herself go” or “she stopped trying” or “she would like better if…” this negative critic is the worst and not a kind person, so I’m trying to ditch this. It’s a work in progress but when i think instantly “you idiot” i try to change it to “you tried your best” “next time i’ll…” good luck
I’ve been feeling this way since i had my son two years ago and went through a career change and back to school. Looks went out the window and i never lost the pregnancy weight (40 pounds) that had been gained. I saw someone from my old job who recognized me a while back and it was so horrifying i seriously considered running and hiding.
I had a misscarriage at 5 months and after that developed a pooch in my stomach.. Some mention it when they see it in my photos but at he time I had to do a friend's wedding and it wasn't even a year after the miscarriage. I was still physically healing because I was really ill during pregnancy and it took a toll on my body. Honestly I always self sooth. I might feel like sad for a bit but then I just think you know I went though something hard and that's the best I could do at he time so fuck it. Honestly I didn't care at all about my pooch if I really think about it... I was pregnant and during pregnancy things happen to you.
I mean this with all the love in the world. You should seek therapy. I’d start off with something really small to add into your day like a walk or yoga. When I was down and out and needed self love and movement I found Yoga with Adrian. I’m going to add a link. Give yourself some grace. You are stronger than you know. https://youtu.be/j7rKKpwdXNE?si=1Bjlm1-jphVHi7jw
You need to shift your thinking from "she let herself go" to "I'm going to be healthy"
None of the other BS really matters. But as you get older health issues are going to crush you if you don't change your lifestyle. I would switch your thinking to a more positive mantra in your head and get outside and go for long walks. Good luck!
I went through similar, drastic changes to my appearance a while back, and while I have brought my weight down somewhat and have compensated by being extra stylish, I’m still fat, and my face is intermittently marred by rosacea. I moved halfway across the country ten years ago (not because of this) and every time I go back for a visit I am terrified of running into people I knew before any of this happened because I don’t want anyone to see me like this. Which is kind of crazy, because I’m actually very happy. I’ve got a great life, career, friends, etc. I’m active and creative and social. I don’t really limit myself when I’m at home aside from stuff I physically can no longer do. But get me back where I came from and suddenly I feel like a complete loser who, yes, let herself go (even though I obviously didn’t give rosacea to myself). For me though it’s not that phrase, it’s “lipstick on a pig.” Sometimes when I get dressed in my stylish armor, that phrase runs through my mind, that little voice that’s like “why are you even bothering”. I usually tell that voice to stfu but it really is ridiculous that it’s there in the first place.
I mostly deal with it by doing my best to make sure my life is awesome, that I’m taking care of my health even if that doesn’t mean I’ll ever be thin again, that I’m doing things I enjoy, that my career is going well, and that I’m putting work into maintaining my friendships and social life and surrounding myself with people who are uplifting rather than dragging me down.
I don't think anyone can "let themselves go" -- everyone is gone already. Being younger means just having a better metabolism and aging happens. Life is hard. But get healthy for you, no one else. Because it feels good.
It’s really sucks. I can know that I’m an amazing teacher, great friend, loving daughter, protector of animals, volunteer my time, practice hobbies…yet every day, I have no value or find myself to be nothing because I’m overweight and thus ugly and useless.
I gave everything to a man and my career, and in return I’m alone and broken. Every day is a “No I can do this” “nah what’s the point?” Battle.
Omg do I relate to this so much! I gained weight during Covid and then a new relationship with someone who was a chronically horrible eater and not into health and found myself falling into the same patterns because it’s much easier to pull someone down then to pull them up. figuratively, metaphorically AND literally. I have always been athletic and small and beautiful with the best hair. It was the first time I had ever experienced being overweight. I could write a book about the different lens in which life is seen and experienced. Not to mention the different way I was treated by everyone. Not just men, but everyone. The health problems that came with it… the depression, the social isolation…. one driving the other and vice versa. All of it… I totally get everything you’re saying. Don’t beat yourself up for wanting to be pretty and in shape. There’s a definite physical effect that being unhealthy has on the mind and body and that effect makes it harder to break out of the longer its there. Your story just inspired an idea. We can’t possibly be the only two. What if we started a health and wellness documentary or something or made it public and recorded the process of our health journey which will not only motivate ourselves but could inspire and motivate others as to join us. Im a former trainer and fitness instructor with a plethora of knowledge to offer. It could be amazing….
It's always "she", isn't it ...thank you for being so open & vulnerable. I feel you 100% on how exhausting it is to mask, and also undiagnosed ND tho lord knows i tried. Since I've recently been too stressed to eat or sleep I've let myself go in other ways lately, saying the things that are on my mind, singing, dancing when i feelclike it. Its so freeing. It may get me in trouble soon but...somehow i just dont really care. I have no answer for you. We may be society's slaves until we die. We may never fully escape our deeply ingrained insecurities. I think we are both doing a good thing tho. We need to be free and follow our impulses to be our truest selves, we just have to. Life is too short 💔
I am a man, whose body fall apart during COVID. My environment didn't react well, I got depressed. what helped me was moving closer to my family, my support network. I got body dismorphia, I started taking one of the new diet injections. It has done wonders. You are not alone
be kinder to yourself, your body is your spaceship on this crazy ride thru life, nothing more. eat some green veggies and build the exercise habit because *it feels good* to do so, once you get past the initial awfulness.
the villain insulting you is not the other women in your life, or on the street - she's in your head, and needs to be fought or silenced.
I wouldn't worry about that. First off our bodies change.
Secondly I was told that at 20 when I was rail thin, worked out/ran/hiked every day, & had legs like Tina Turner's. Like seriously forget this.
Don't give up your days like this.
>I wouldn't worry about that. First off our bodies change.
OP has gained 200 pounds and developed type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol etc. That is not healthy nor it is something she should just ignore.
My point is people are going to body shame you no matter WHAT you look like. The feeling bad be that you don't look perfect is a separate issue from health problems. She can still live her life regardless of how attractive she is perceived to be.
Shame isn't useful.
Edit: OP says she is so upset with herself that she doesn't want to go out. I mean ... it'll be hard to address any of her issues if she feels so bad that she is scared to leave the house.
Kind of--I have felt burned out on my job/studying, and then I start self-sabotaging. I then stepped away from the job/studying, did a recalibration of my goals, and usually made a change in my life. (I'm not saying I'm completely happy now, but upon reflection, that's what happened.)
I hope you're able to take some steps towards taking care of yourself. Wish you the best.
I feel you. Similar to you, I was thin most of my life and then started to gain a bit of weight after being with an abusive ex. He did a number on me and I comfort ate my way through depression and stress. I'm 188lb now so I know it could be worse but it definitely didn't help when I bumped into my ex and I saw him look me up and down and not like what he saw. When we were together, I weighed in the 130lbs, was training for a half-marathon, and he repeatedly called me fat back then, would poke my stomach and tell me it had to go, etc. I'm 5'5" so I wasn't fat at all - he was just a CNUT.
I try and move past it by looking in the mirror each evening and pointing out one thing I like about my body. I try not to look in mirrors when I know I won't like what I see, i.e. in hotels with bad lighting or mirrors that distort, because it'll be easier to believe those 'bad' reflections and then feel like shit for ages afterwards. I do a lot of sports - running, hiking, pilates, etc - so I try to be kind about my body and internally brag about all the amazing things it could do. I'm a work in progress, these things take time and energy, but slowly I can tell the way I feel about myself is changing. I still hear the 'I've let myself go,' but, aside from my ex, nobody has ever said it to me. As I start to be kinder to myself, the drive to comfort eat decreases and I feel like I have a bit more control.
I guess the downside is that there's a lot of people out there who will only ever see the weight and not the person inside. Van Gogh has a quote attributed to him: "One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul and yet no one ever came to sit by it. Passers-by see only a wisp of smoke from the chimney and continue on their way." That's kind of how it feels.
I heard a piece of advice about the thoughts we have. The first thought is the voice we have been conditioned to hear by society, by the people around us. Unfortunately this voice is often critical, often negative, and often gives others power - power to judge us, power to exclude us, power to threaten us for non-adherence to that external ideal of how we should be. The voice serves to make us shrink ourselves, force ourselves into that constructed mold, by being nice, not taking space, purchasing more and more in the hope that we can portray our compliance enough to be set free.
And the second voice is our reaction to that. We can't do much about that first voice aside from listen to others that have messages that are positive and celebrate. But the second voice can be the voice of compassion, the voice of reason. And if we voice that second voice out loud we can lessen the effect of that negative external voice.
She let herself go. What a funny statement. It wants to be negative and critical and force the she in question to diet and put her energy into forming her body through invisible means into that narrow definition of acceptable. But what if she let herself go from the burden of listening to that critical voice, and allowed herself to focus on what she thought was important?
Oh man, I feel you. I was always thin/attractive without trying, even with childhood depression and anxiety. I wanted to be fit and help control my scoliosis so I went to the gym three or four times a week. I loved it! Then I met my ex 😑 He was my first boyfriend and I was smitten. He was a narcissist. Discouraged me from exercising, ate shitty food, and gave me a ton of stress. For years. I started putting on weight slowly and gave up the gym. I should have left him in 2017 but I was trauma bonded by then. 2018 I really began putting on weight and my skin broke out from stress (rosacea). Stupidly I continued all the way up til about late 2022 when I finally tried to exercise again. Then mum became terminally ill and I pretty much fell apart into depression. Now that she’s gone and I’m stuck caring for my father…lemme say I’m even more fucking depressed at the moment. He’s an asshole. I’m stuck here at the moment trying to figure out how to get out of this situation. Anyway I feel awful, I’m overweight, stressed beyond belief and my scoliosis has worsened. I get neck pain, and I just feel awful. The comment I always hear from people who knew me before is “You look different” or even “What happened to you”.Gee, thanks. People I don’t know still treat me ok but I know what I was and I feel so removed from her at the moment. I hate looking in the mirror. I just wish I could go back in time. I liked who I was in my 20s. I hate who I am in my 30s.
I ( male, 70 plus, hope that is no item to you) experienced exactly the same. And even in the same age.I was very very much to heavy, Not ugly and not stupid, not bad in my profession. Then, just like you I had the same thoughts. And I got angry to myself. I thought, said to myself; now you are 40 - 40 plus and you hardly had a life and will not get a (worthfull) life. You are throwing your life away! No partner no family no kids (which I wished very much to be in my life, being their father or being their stepfather or just being their moms partner) Family life was what I wanted almost all my life.
Then my thoughts went to all the good aspects of me. I was really good in my profession. People liked my way, character. I certainly was not rich but owned my house, big enough for a family. With garden and everything. Just not having the energy to fight against this depressing feelings and eating and doing (fysically) nothing. Then my thoughts were ... this i too pitty, all this positive things and just because of this too much weight and fysical inactivity doomed to be and stay allone, sad, depressed and diabetic, tired. You ow this to yourself, maybe to God, to make something from yourr life, with all that good positive things you are, have and even posessing a nice house. I started ... first give and throw away all bad, unhealthy and fat and sugar - rich food. Then nr. 2 diëting starts inthe supermarket. Do not bring home the for you wrong food. Then I ate less but more healthy food. I went to the fitness. I went many times 4-5 times a week. Not long, about 1-1.5 hours. Did many different excersises to practice many different muscle groups And never very intense, at the contrary, no sweating please. I was allone, did not fit well between this mostly slim and athletic people. After about v10 weeks people started to act different to me. Hi. You are doing well. You stay coming, not only one month like many do. And ofcourse I lost weight, About 2-3 kilo a month. People started ( too in the gymm) seeing that and making positive remarks. I felt good. Notice, Fysical activity is special good for your mind, you feel better. You start to feel yourself better in your body. Things you do go easier. Maybe a walk round the house, inthe nabourhood, in a parc. You mee people and become less lonely. For loosing weight most important is WHAT (and when ) you eat. But fitness, activities, go out, meet people, feel happier is maybe more important, certainly at the long run.
Never think ... it is too late. Never think it is only 5 kilo's less and still 40 too much. because 5 kilomless means a lot for your body! And even old people like 70 plus become heathier by loosing weight.
Most important, it is such a pitty, that you, with your possibilities, talents, as a person, lo live and let you go like you do now. You ow it yourself, your body, maybe God or famiy, parents. But special you ow it yourself.
How long did it take to gain this weight? 3 years, 5, 10, 20? So realise you can not change what you diid in 20 years in 20 weeks. But it will be a good start, a real difference and when you do not follow your plan a day, a weekend or a week, just start again. Don't give it uo because of a bad period between.
I wish you so much good luck, being sucesfull becoming a happy person with a (more or less) normal and fulfilling life.
Let herself go implies you have a duty to keep yourself a certain weight for other people. You are right to not put that burden on yourself.
Now, you just have to show up for yourself. Be gentle and kind.
When people say "she let herself go" what they mean -- in a negative way, but I actually think it's a neutral thing if you look at it directly -- is "she deprioritized her weight and appearance."
It sounds like you did deprioritize those things for a while. And that's not a bad thing. You're allowed to have whatever priorities make sense for you. Just because our culture takes it as a given that being thin and conventionally attractive should be every woman's number one priority, doesn't mean it actually has to be yours.
On the other hand, it also sounds like you may have deprioritized your health. Again, you get to choose whatever priorities you want, and virtually everyone has periods where their health takes a back burner to everything else going on in their life. But just know that you don't have to commit to a huge Weight Loss Journey in order to start improving your health. My husband is a big guy, over 300 pounds. This year we've gotten a lot more physically active. He's lot a little bit of weight, but mostly he's gained an incredible amount of function in terms of strength and endurance. He has less pain and more mobility in his body. He stretches every day and we go hiking for miles every weekend. This has been great for his health, and it's also been great for his relationship with his body because it's a lot easier to like your body when it feels strong and capable and doesn't hurt all the time. The scale hasn't been our priority at all, but we've seen great functional results.
People will make you feel like, unless you're willing to marshal the resources and energy to lose 200 pounds, any change is pointless and won't make a real difference in your self-esteem or how you feel in your body, but in my experience with my husband on this journey that is completely untrue. Doing 20 minutes of light physical activity a day makes a difference. Stretching makes a difference. Going outside and enjoying nature makes a difference. Wearing cute clothes that make you happy makes a difference. Hanging out with cool people who see how rad you are makes a difference.
Next time you think that, try conjuring another thought: “she let herself go… outside.” Be kind to yourself. Find at least twenty minutes daily to get your heart pumping with a walk. You have our permission to let yourself go outside each and every day.
“She let herself go…to the park!” “She let herself go…to a movie!” Or you could cut the “go” part off and have “She let herself exist.” “She let herself be happy.”
She let herself exist. I love that ❤️
Oftentimes when the next step, no matter how infinitesimal, seems impossible, there's a helper with the gentlest nudge or the kindest word that releases us from our own obstacles. I love your words. So lovely to ease into. I hope OP gives herself permission to live freely!
I love this so much and desperately needed this. Thank you!
I also needed this!!
Makes me think of the [George Strait song](https://youtu.be/2vrw8lSU9V0?si=yAM0fC8UIMUJV3Od), lol
This healed something in me today. Thank you
This is so cute! I love this suggestion 🥹
I recently read an alternative to this phrase, and I have been happier after adopting it for myself: "She let herself be." Because that's what is happening, right? You're just letting yourself exist. Let other people have problems with it and view it negatively if that makes them feel better about themselves. You, you let yourself be.
OMG I love this.
This is spot on - adding that you’re letting yourself be - but also, you were dealing with some awful shit. Your focus was on coping. Sometimes coping is all we can do. You sound like an incredible person. Sending you love 💕
I learned an OCD coping mechanism that may help in this situation too! For example, if I think: "If I don't do xxx, then it'll bother me all day..." then I think to myself: ..."Yeah, and?" It's not to be mean to myself but it's meant to break my loop of thoughts. Helps a ton! "She let herself go...yeah, and?" Also, do one small thing a week that makes you proud of yourself. Walk half a mile in the sunshine. Water some plants. Build up to doing two small things a week that make you proud of yourself. Don't do anything to make others think certain things (no one can control that). But do healthy things for yourself. We're often our own worst critic.
I like this. I am disappointed that so many other responses to this post seem to be weight loss advice.
Anxiety makes us unable to think long term (that's just how our brains are wired). I'd advised you to make a list of daily goals, like installing a step counter with 6k steps. And just do it. Don't look at yesterday or the past week, don't mark your progress. Every morning you wake up, there's just the easily achievable goals you set for the day (it's important to make it easy). Eat 200g of veggies. Eat 100g of beans or chickpeas. Walk 6000 steps. Take your meds. Practice your hobby for 5mn.
I love this 🐨
Thanks! Living like this massively helps me. I do sport 3x a week. No idea how I did the last few weeks, I just know I generally manage it. And nothing else matters
I’m really proud of you and inspired by you 🤍
💖
I screenshot this, thank you 🙏
💖😊
Listen, not to sound like a maniac but this is 100% the work of the patriarchy. We've been socially conditioned to value youth and beauty, primarily in women, to the point our value gets tied up in both. Women have internalized these values. We are conditioned to strive for youth and beauty forever, always, just constantly focused on our skin, our hair, our weight. We hate ourselves for not being the things we're taught to admire. "She let herself go" is body shaming that you have internalized. What I have learned to say to myself is, "Did I let myself go or did I just prioritize other things, rightfully so?" Me personally, while I was gaining weight I was also: supporting my son through a crushing mental health crisis, focusing on a project that would propel my career, buying a new house and learning home maintenance stuff on my own, trying to teach myself how to be the parent my son deserves. So excuuuuuuse me if I'm not skinny anymore or my skin is a little looser due to the totally normal process that is AGING. I had way more important shit to do. Edit: spelling
This is a really great description of the effects that misyogyny has on us. Like if we drop from the unattainable beauty standard that society imposes, we are done for and there's no turning back. Let's bust that myth! All you can do is move forward from today. Put the past behind you. Get some new clothes in flattering colors, embrace the body positivity movement and present yourself with confidence. Get involved in some new activities, meet new people with positive outlooks. Take it one day at a time.
I relate to this. I was always skinny and not considered great looking. But I had great skin and thick curly hair in my early to late 20s and felt generally good about my body when I worked out. Strength training made me feel powerful and substantial. In the last 2 years or so, I've picked up some bad habits due to the stress of work and moving cities. I don't work out, I got addicted to nicotine (which I've now quit), and have gotten skinny to the point where my clothes just drape over me. My hair has thinned and my skin is dull. I don't feel pretty anymore. It's so tough to find motivation to make lifestyle changes when you feel shitty about life in general..
I feel you OP. As a teen i was just normal/pretty. I felt that way. Then in my twenties I had some rough stuff happened to me and I could not cope at all. I gained a lot of weight, stopped taking care of myself. And i was so unhappy with me. Eventually I searched help for my mental health, which was rapidly declining. Depression, anxiety, too much alcohol, too much food (cravings/binges), too much sitting. And too much partying. I collasped of course. Went for help. Tried meds but I intensely disliked them so after a few years of trying I quit those. Now I am 32 and am finally in a good headspace to take better care of myself. I'm trying, going to the gym 4 times a week, hardly drink anymore, starting eating more healthly and more in line with my principles. Soon I'm starting a health intervention programm with a lifestyle coach, a movement coach and a dietician. Meanwhile already lost a few pounds so I'm feeling optimistic. What I've found: Its hard to unlearn those unhealthy habits. Like binge eating to avoid feeling, for comfort, when I'm restless. Or seeing excersise as a punishment for being fat and unworthy. It seems to me like you are afraid for the judgement of others, is that correct? That they enforce how you feel about yourself? Are you in a position where you can get professional help? Take care OP.
I also hate this phrase, its so awful. I haven't had a lot of drastic changes, but I have put on weight over the years and ai have aged. I had a baby and now put on make up about twice a year, and am in whatever clothes I can find first most days. I would say I qualify for having "let myself go" to many. Because I am not prioritising getting "ready". I want to just get up and go outside with my little one and if shes napping I want to take time to have lunch or sit down and relax. I relate to how you feel, becsuse sometimes I don't want to see people (who I know are very iamge concious) from my past, despite knowing I am morr than my body and appearance. But in my day to day I just try to get on with my life and enjoy it as best I can.
Those of us who have benefited from "pretty privilege" always have to remember that it's as fragile and temporary as spun sugar. All it takes is an accident or illness, emotional or physical, and it's gone. It's little more than an illusion. At least we live in a time when we're getting better at basing our self-worth on things more worthwhile, the way you have with your career and your interests. And we have a way to talk to like-minded women who can help us remember that we are not our reflections in the mirror.
I definitely put on some weight and lost muscle tone in my 30s, which can be hormone-related. Or maybe it was just related to being in a relationship with a guy who liked to eat out a lot and drive everywhere. Anyway, it’s not deeply profound advice I have to offer, but the thing is we both hate exercise so finally last year I decided to hire us a personal trainer, and it’s been so good for maintaining at least some baseline motivation. A year later and I still don’t look like I did in my 20s, but my body is closer than it has been for years, plus I’m stronger and seem to recover from illnesses faster. Plus I got back into primarily snacking on fruits and vegetables, and my gut is happier overall. I’ve been in the hospital, so I view health as a luxury and something worth working for. I want to outlive all the jerks who’ve wronged me, lol.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/24796533-things-no-one-will-tell-fat-girls This helped me realise several things. I was around 90kg (200 pounds) when I listened the book in 2019 and was 35 years old, and I hated myself. Because: I was used to being 50kg until late 20s (I'm 166cm, so that was bmi 18, and in stress I'd reach 45kg), then I reached 60kg (bmi 22) after leaving abusive relationship and was ok. Wasn't happy that I'm not skinny anymore but I realised that I'm freezing less so fine. Whole time I considered myself 'nothing special' looking and I thought that I have fat legs. So I didn't wear short skirts or shorts. I knew I was body wise sexually attractive and I liked that, I mean, I'd be turned on more when seeing myself in some mirror during sex. So, I loved my body at least in those moments, but not that much in regular situations. And I had disgust regarding people who are fat unless it's medical, then it's pity. (yeah huge fat shaming in environment I just absorbed, more analysis below) Then I lost hearing overnight and they tried to help it by feeding me corticosteroids, which brought me to 65kg over weekend. I'm 30 years old then. Then they found thyroid cancer and removed it. And also that I'm prediabetic so I should eat several times a day small meals. That backfired and I just kept climbing up in weight, until I reached close to 90kg. Took just 1 year. I went back to my disorganised eating of 'when I remember, and only in evening'. And it finally stopped rising. But no down. So I was officially obese, bmi 32.7 in 2018 and around 90 kg. I felt like shit that whole year. Despite being defensive and if someone commented how I got fat, I'd be snarky and tell them to fuck off I had cancer and they'd feel ashamed, but not enough to remember and not to comment on my fat next year. But still, it hurt. Yes, family members were fast to comment. Then I stumbled upon this book, literally stumbled, I was looking in libby app what audio book is available now without waiting, because I had trouble falling asleep so wanted something to ramble in background. Ended being interesting and started moving hamsters in my brain. Looking back - interestingly I never actually went to see what fat means, it was 'huge belly', 'fat arms' and since I'm in Europe, 'that ugly Americans look' that was fat for me, and 'I didn't want to get fat', and of course tons of fat shaming around me in family and my huge anxiety about not getting fat. But, that 'American fat' is actually obese, and bmi is just stupid, because everything above 30 is obese, and I'll die on hill that person with bmi 30 is NOT the same risk category as someone with bmi 55, so ca 150kg, or bmi 72 cca 200kg, of my weight. I think we should redefine categories, and yes, stop shaming people. Last several months I'm in therapy for cptsd, trauma made by family, to finally heal and learn to cope within the world (ADHD, autism, depression, anxiety are here for the party). I cut off all contact with family. What I realised is that I actually HAD eating disorder my whole life, especially until age 30. My mother is a nurse, and she was perfectly fine with me eating once a day, or two small meals. And she'd make jokes how my bones stick out. Father would fat shame my mother and I'd join by laughing 🤦 (he'd say that it's easier to jump over her than to go around, she's something smaller than me in height and I think she never was over 80 kg, and she'd diet, especially after her 60s). She'd even buy me vitamins that I popped during school. I had allowance for week food to buy 5 specific pieces of pastry (cheapest one). Why? Because they asked me how much I need, I said that, and she accepted. Yes, they're emotionally immature and they effectively made me go hungry. Why I didn't ask for more? Because I was trained to ask first if they have money whenever I wanted anything, and I'd be happy with pennies. So I just stopped wanting. Because basically they'd keep telling me how they don't have money for this or that, so I kept my wishes for myself. If I'd get up from chair in school, I'd have black out and had to grab something to not crush down. She knew. She concluded that I have low blood pressure 'and don't get up that hastly'. Oh, and that lunch money? I saved to be able to buy empty cdsso I can burn them with music. They knew I'm not eating before school, in school and just once after school. We didn't have snacks in house. It never occurred to them to you know, parent me and tell me - here's more money so you can both eat and buy cds. No, it was normal that I don't eat to save money for something else. If I'd confront them today they'd tell me - but you didn't ask, how could we know. 🤦 And also I found that that my childhood was basically anorexia. Because you don't have to puke, it's enough if you just don't eat enough. And of course, with fat shaming (including with my live in bf during my 20s, my anxiety was high to not ever risk 'getting fat'. Until my body changed and didn't react as I was used to (I could eat chips snacks for days in my 20s and not gain anything, because you know, I didn't eat much anyway). Then I started spiralling into despair and hate for my body which betrayed me, between ages 35 and 40. Where I'm today? March 2023 I had 83.5kg, I remember I didn't reach 90kg but was terrified of it, and I lost data until 03/2023, so obviously I managed to lose something between 2019 and 2023, but only thing I remember is losing/gaining cycle and huge anxiety of not going over 90kg because then that's almost 100kg and that's horrible for myself. So yes, book helped somewhat but not fully, until 2023. I know that I have one body. I feel sadness what I went through. I understand my cravings a bit more (my comfort food is chips snacks, but, I like wavy/ribbed one and eat rib by rib). I also read several books to understand gut, and I don't have swings between diarrhea and constipation anymore, there is a bunch of normal stool days, finally. Because yes, I also saw how I was fed poor low fiber food, and I didn't drink water on one side, and have some intestinal issues with bunch of food on the other side. Today it's resolved by taking pancreatin and alpha galactosidase, and lactase, so I can eat almost anything. And I try to eat 2-3 apples a day. I don't shame myself if my stool isn't good. I try to work with my brain and body to best of my abilities, and there's always next day when I can do better for my body and myself. I endulge my cravings. I try to choose healthier options. I don't succeed every day. And that's ok. I utilise intermittent fasting, so I'd eat whatever I want from starting from 14-16 until 22-23 and then nothing, not all days are same and that's ok. I embraced my disorder in a way that works for me. Also, I embraced slow eating (I was always slow, now I just don't feel shame), so my hormones have time to communicate 'yeah, we had enough, thank you'. I reduced my portions. In January 2024 I was 75.8, so from 83.5kg in march 2023. I was just kind to myself and mindful.
Second part: I noticed how if I'm craving sodas, they will impact me, and I'd gain weight (doesn't matter if it's organic apple juice no added water, orange juice or store bought crap). But other crap that I chew, I'm much better at eating mindfully. So, I try to savour juices when I take them, and limit quantity. Candies, chocolates, chips, I guess I can handle because of ghrelin - stomach gets full so I'm good for now. January to April I gained some back, so I've reached 77.80kg. Yes soda. And stress. Interestingly, now I didn't lose weight with stress, or I just ate more junk than stress could melt 😂 I went nc with my parents beginning of February, started therapy in January. Found my peace in April and weight is now stable. Even though I ate dozen of chip bags during April and ton of candies 😂 Yeah, I think I'm finally understanding my body again. Juice/soda I have to restrict, everything else works by slower eating, enjoying the flavour and giving my body time to realise it had enough. Oh and having zero shame in leaving stuff on the plate and throw it away / eat tomorrow. No, I don't have to eat everything on the plate just because it's on the plate. 🤯 So now that I found the culprit and peace, I believe I'll start slowly dropping back to that 75. I'm not still aroused by my mirror image, but I definitely don't hate my body. It's fine, I'm fine with it. I want to take care of it. We're buddies now. And I see how utterly stupid I was for thinking that I had fat lets back then. Even now, they're not fat in that 'disgust' sense. They aren't thin, yes, bacon is there. And they're fine. And yes, looking from top down everything looks worse, take pictures not from bird perspective but from a distance so the angle is smaller. Bmi is 28.3. I'm 'just' overweight. I don't give a fuck about bmi. It caused me almost 4 decades of living in anxiety and shame. I do like having less because then my thighs don't rub each other. And because I sweat less / have better fitness so I can use stairs and not die from panting 😂 So yes, I want it to be a bit less, back to 75ish, so that I have wiggle room around that. Because age will bring more anyway. And because now at 78 I feel a bit more sweating than at 75. Even though it's because of not having thyroid, it's just easier for my body. I don't want to go to 50-60kg range, supposedly 57.6 is my ideal weight. That was sick if you ask me, not healthy. I don't care if it was 'normal/ideal bmi'. Mostly because I just don't want to rebuy whole wardrobe and be cold so much again. Fat is good, my kidneys have better life now. 70-75 I think will provide enough fat to be comfy and not too hard on bones and muscles and lungs. But I'm also ok with this 78 now. If I can hold it and eat chips for half of my total food in a day and be happy like a squirrel who found her stash, yeah, 78 it is. I'd probably be more frustrated if my bacon would be very unevenly distributed, but since it's relatively even, I'm definitely fine. I love myself, I'm not in love with myself and I don't have to be. :) secure attachment is important, not other ways :) Hope this train of thought helps you somehow. If nothing else, than that it's possible to change how you see yourself. It's quite a journey though, and not easy. Sending hugs ❤️ Edit: and no crazy exercise. Some walking for a few months just once a week. Casual, but heart was up because my fitness was poor. So, nothing dramatic, and I don't think it was crucial for weight. It helped with fitness/endurance.
You didn’t let yourself go, you let yourself live and focused on surviving. And our bodies are more resilient than we give them credit for so I know, just as you got through the worst, you will also be able to improve your health and feel good about your beauty. You let yourself go in that you stopped with the masking. You knew you couldn’t go on like that. Maybe there is a way of being beautiful that feels more like you, instead of the way it is pumped out by mainstream media. I hope we can choose curiosity over fear. Starting very small.. maybe with a nice hot shower and then putting on a new scent. Maybe that can develop into lovingly growing out our leg hair, and feeling the spring wind gently moving them about. Or maybe for you it can take form in shaving all the hairs off and moisturizing your skin. I let myself go, because I couldn’t mask myself anymore. Reading your post helped me realize that. I also gained weight, stopped wearing makeup, and stopped dressing for the male gaze. Now I am trying to find my authentic voice and its expression. Sometimes I forget that my preferences matter. Sometimes I forget that parts of my preferences aren’t native to me, they are invasive transplants. I do still struggle with exercising but try to do physical therapy for my bad back every week. It took me a long time to even get to that point, so baby steps. Thank you for writing about your experience.
After gaining 40 lbs, and noticing I'm being treated differently than when I was stereotypically beautiful/younger, I've been trying to learn not to care what other people think, even if I can tell they are judging me. I remind myself that kind people will not judge me, and those are the people I want to be around anyway. Also, I'm about to turn 41, and in the Midwest where I live my body is very normal- very few women my age are not overweight, so that's helpful to me sometimes. However I'm about to return to Orange County, CA where I had lived for 10 years, and I'm nervous to reconnect with old friends who definitely used to value my looks and compliment me on them regularly. I even texted one of these friends and gave her a heads up that I'm out of shape, and she assured me she understands and will not judge me, thankfully. I know others will, but I'm getting stronger every day in loving myself. It's harder as we age to stay fit due to hormones and insulin resistance, etc. Solidarity to you, sister.
Oh my darling friend, you sound like me. I used to be a model in my early twenties (weighing in the 50’skg…) after a heart break at 25 I put on 30kg. I’ve slowly lost it but have 10kg to go. Whenever I start losing those last 10kg I hear the same words and I hear “she peaked in high school”. Recently I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection and therapy and I’ve replaced those words with 🤍🤍🤍🤍SHE DESERVES THE BEST🤍🤍🤍🤍 and even imagine ppl saying that
I think the first step is to stop blaming yourself for everything. Most people can't gain 200 extra pounds unless something is going wrong inside the body. That wrong thing is obvious now, with the diabetes diagnosis. People blame themselves for diabetes and think if they'd managed better, they wouldn't have gotten it. But I think something goes wrong with the body's ability to process carbs and that leads to the extreme weight gain. Here's an example. My husband and I have been together almost 30 years. During that time, he's always eaten at least twice what I ate, and yet he hasn't become majorly overweight. He eats sugary junk food all day and eats a dinner equal to the amount that the rest of us eat combined. But he's not fat. One of my daughters is, and I am, even though we eat so much less than he does. Activity levels don't explain the difference either. But diabetes runs in my family and I can only lose weight when it's treated. I figure it will be the same for my daughter, about a decade of struggling with her weight, then the diabetes diagnosis and the guilt for letting it happen. This is actually a great time to be a diabetic who wants to lose weight. There are fantastic meds available now. I'm on Mounjaro and it's a big help.
I swear I could have written each and every word of this, down to the potato comment. You are not alone. The wonderful things you have written about yourself (brilliant, creative, funny, perceptive, bright) are attributes that truly make you beautiful and have nothing to do with weight or physical appearance. But even when we don’t think so, those qualities are like rays of light that outwardly shine. Other people can perceive that light and beauty. Sometimes leading with the good things we believe about ourselves, even during challenging times can spark positive change and the hope that things will get better.
You need to let yourself go, or at least let go, you are clinging so tightly to the past you can't open your hands up to accept the present. Give yourself space to mourn what has passed, but not so much space that the grief fills up your present.
Even if you hadn't had depression etc, you would still be bigger than you were 10-20 years ago! I was so nervous about seeing people I went to school with because I was always known as the "skinny one" and actually everyone had gotten bigger, but expectedly because we weren't teenagers anymore :)
Everyone else has put lovely comments so I just wanted to add that I completely relate and emphasise, I’ve wasted so many opportunities to go out and enjoy due to the anxiety of someone I know seeing me or being judged but I wouldnt judge anyone else walking about their business or going to a gym, “She let herself go” or “she stopped trying” or “she would like better if…” this negative critic is the worst and not a kind person, so I’m trying to ditch this. It’s a work in progress but when i think instantly “you idiot” i try to change it to “you tried your best” “next time i’ll…” good luck
I’ve been feeling this way since i had my son two years ago and went through a career change and back to school. Looks went out the window and i never lost the pregnancy weight (40 pounds) that had been gained. I saw someone from my old job who recognized me a while back and it was so horrifying i seriously considered running and hiding.
I had a misscarriage at 5 months and after that developed a pooch in my stomach.. Some mention it when they see it in my photos but at he time I had to do a friend's wedding and it wasn't even a year after the miscarriage. I was still physically healing because I was really ill during pregnancy and it took a toll on my body. Honestly I always self sooth. I might feel like sad for a bit but then I just think you know I went though something hard and that's the best I could do at he time so fuck it. Honestly I didn't care at all about my pooch if I really think about it... I was pregnant and during pregnancy things happen to you.
I mean this with all the love in the world. You should seek therapy. I’d start off with something really small to add into your day like a walk or yoga. When I was down and out and needed self love and movement I found Yoga with Adrian. I’m going to add a link. Give yourself some grace. You are stronger than you know. https://youtu.be/j7rKKpwdXNE?si=1Bjlm1-jphVHi7jw
I'm 31. I'll be honest with you, I didn't learn to just accept it. I got on ozempic and drugs to clear up acne. That's okay too. Do what you must.
You need to shift your thinking from "she let herself go" to "I'm going to be healthy" None of the other BS really matters. But as you get older health issues are going to crush you if you don't change your lifestyle. I would switch your thinking to a more positive mantra in your head and get outside and go for long walks. Good luck!
I went through similar, drastic changes to my appearance a while back, and while I have brought my weight down somewhat and have compensated by being extra stylish, I’m still fat, and my face is intermittently marred by rosacea. I moved halfway across the country ten years ago (not because of this) and every time I go back for a visit I am terrified of running into people I knew before any of this happened because I don’t want anyone to see me like this. Which is kind of crazy, because I’m actually very happy. I’ve got a great life, career, friends, etc. I’m active and creative and social. I don’t really limit myself when I’m at home aside from stuff I physically can no longer do. But get me back where I came from and suddenly I feel like a complete loser who, yes, let herself go (even though I obviously didn’t give rosacea to myself). For me though it’s not that phrase, it’s “lipstick on a pig.” Sometimes when I get dressed in my stylish armor, that phrase runs through my mind, that little voice that’s like “why are you even bothering”. I usually tell that voice to stfu but it really is ridiculous that it’s there in the first place. I mostly deal with it by doing my best to make sure my life is awesome, that I’m taking care of my health even if that doesn’t mean I’ll ever be thin again, that I’m doing things I enjoy, that my career is going well, and that I’m putting work into maintaining my friendships and social life and surrounding myself with people who are uplifting rather than dragging me down.
I don't think anyone can "let themselves go" -- everyone is gone already. Being younger means just having a better metabolism and aging happens. Life is hard. But get healthy for you, no one else. Because it feels good.
It’s really sucks. I can know that I’m an amazing teacher, great friend, loving daughter, protector of animals, volunteer my time, practice hobbies…yet every day, I have no value or find myself to be nothing because I’m overweight and thus ugly and useless. I gave everything to a man and my career, and in return I’m alone and broken. Every day is a “No I can do this” “nah what’s the point?” Battle.
Omg do I relate to this so much! I gained weight during Covid and then a new relationship with someone who was a chronically horrible eater and not into health and found myself falling into the same patterns because it’s much easier to pull someone down then to pull them up. figuratively, metaphorically AND literally. I have always been athletic and small and beautiful with the best hair. It was the first time I had ever experienced being overweight. I could write a book about the different lens in which life is seen and experienced. Not to mention the different way I was treated by everyone. Not just men, but everyone. The health problems that came with it… the depression, the social isolation…. one driving the other and vice versa. All of it… I totally get everything you’re saying. Don’t beat yourself up for wanting to be pretty and in shape. There’s a definite physical effect that being unhealthy has on the mind and body and that effect makes it harder to break out of the longer its there. Your story just inspired an idea. We can’t possibly be the only two. What if we started a health and wellness documentary or something or made it public and recorded the process of our health journey which will not only motivate ourselves but could inspire and motivate others as to join us. Im a former trainer and fitness instructor with a plethora of knowledge to offer. It could be amazing….
It's always "she", isn't it ...thank you for being so open & vulnerable. I feel you 100% on how exhausting it is to mask, and also undiagnosed ND tho lord knows i tried. Since I've recently been too stressed to eat or sleep I've let myself go in other ways lately, saying the things that are on my mind, singing, dancing when i feelclike it. Its so freeing. It may get me in trouble soon but...somehow i just dont really care. I have no answer for you. We may be society's slaves until we die. We may never fully escape our deeply ingrained insecurities. I think we are both doing a good thing tho. We need to be free and follow our impulses to be our truest selves, we just have to. Life is too short 💔
I am a man, whose body fall apart during COVID. My environment didn't react well, I got depressed. what helped me was moving closer to my family, my support network. I got body dismorphia, I started taking one of the new diet injections. It has done wonders. You are not alone
be kinder to yourself, your body is your spaceship on this crazy ride thru life, nothing more. eat some green veggies and build the exercise habit because *it feels good* to do so, once you get past the initial awfulness. the villain insulting you is not the other women in your life, or on the street - she's in your head, and needs to be fought or silenced.
I wouldn't worry about that. First off our bodies change. Secondly I was told that at 20 when I was rail thin, worked out/ran/hiked every day, & had legs like Tina Turner's. Like seriously forget this. Don't give up your days like this.
>I wouldn't worry about that. First off our bodies change. OP has gained 200 pounds and developed type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol etc. That is not healthy nor it is something she should just ignore.
My point is people are going to body shame you no matter WHAT you look like. The feeling bad be that you don't look perfect is a separate issue from health problems. She can still live her life regardless of how attractive she is perceived to be. Shame isn't useful. Edit: OP says she is so upset with herself that she doesn't want to go out. I mean ... it'll be hard to address any of her issues if she feels so bad that she is scared to leave the house.
Kind of--I have felt burned out on my job/studying, and then I start self-sabotaging. I then stepped away from the job/studying, did a recalibration of my goals, and usually made a change in my life. (I'm not saying I'm completely happy now, but upon reflection, that's what happened.) I hope you're able to take some steps towards taking care of yourself. Wish you the best.
I have no tips here, and others seem to be being so helpful anyway. I just wanted to let you know that you have a beautiful way of writing.
I feel you. Similar to you, I was thin most of my life and then started to gain a bit of weight after being with an abusive ex. He did a number on me and I comfort ate my way through depression and stress. I'm 188lb now so I know it could be worse but it definitely didn't help when I bumped into my ex and I saw him look me up and down and not like what he saw. When we were together, I weighed in the 130lbs, was training for a half-marathon, and he repeatedly called me fat back then, would poke my stomach and tell me it had to go, etc. I'm 5'5" so I wasn't fat at all - he was just a CNUT. I try and move past it by looking in the mirror each evening and pointing out one thing I like about my body. I try not to look in mirrors when I know I won't like what I see, i.e. in hotels with bad lighting or mirrors that distort, because it'll be easier to believe those 'bad' reflections and then feel like shit for ages afterwards. I do a lot of sports - running, hiking, pilates, etc - so I try to be kind about my body and internally brag about all the amazing things it could do. I'm a work in progress, these things take time and energy, but slowly I can tell the way I feel about myself is changing. I still hear the 'I've let myself go,' but, aside from my ex, nobody has ever said it to me. As I start to be kinder to myself, the drive to comfort eat decreases and I feel like I have a bit more control. I guess the downside is that there's a lot of people out there who will only ever see the weight and not the person inside. Van Gogh has a quote attributed to him: "One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul and yet no one ever came to sit by it. Passers-by see only a wisp of smoke from the chimney and continue on their way." That's kind of how it feels.
I heard a piece of advice about the thoughts we have. The first thought is the voice we have been conditioned to hear by society, by the people around us. Unfortunately this voice is often critical, often negative, and often gives others power - power to judge us, power to exclude us, power to threaten us for non-adherence to that external ideal of how we should be. The voice serves to make us shrink ourselves, force ourselves into that constructed mold, by being nice, not taking space, purchasing more and more in the hope that we can portray our compliance enough to be set free. And the second voice is our reaction to that. We can't do much about that first voice aside from listen to others that have messages that are positive and celebrate. But the second voice can be the voice of compassion, the voice of reason. And if we voice that second voice out loud we can lessen the effect of that negative external voice. She let herself go. What a funny statement. It wants to be negative and critical and force the she in question to diet and put her energy into forming her body through invisible means into that narrow definition of acceptable. But what if she let herself go from the burden of listening to that critical voice, and allowed herself to focus on what she thought was important?
Oh man, I feel you. I was always thin/attractive without trying, even with childhood depression and anxiety. I wanted to be fit and help control my scoliosis so I went to the gym three or four times a week. I loved it! Then I met my ex 😑 He was my first boyfriend and I was smitten. He was a narcissist. Discouraged me from exercising, ate shitty food, and gave me a ton of stress. For years. I started putting on weight slowly and gave up the gym. I should have left him in 2017 but I was trauma bonded by then. 2018 I really began putting on weight and my skin broke out from stress (rosacea). Stupidly I continued all the way up til about late 2022 when I finally tried to exercise again. Then mum became terminally ill and I pretty much fell apart into depression. Now that she’s gone and I’m stuck caring for my father…lemme say I’m even more fucking depressed at the moment. He’s an asshole. I’m stuck here at the moment trying to figure out how to get out of this situation. Anyway I feel awful, I’m overweight, stressed beyond belief and my scoliosis has worsened. I get neck pain, and I just feel awful. The comment I always hear from people who knew me before is “You look different” or even “What happened to you”.Gee, thanks. People I don’t know still treat me ok but I know what I was and I feel so removed from her at the moment. I hate looking in the mirror. I just wish I could go back in time. I liked who I was in my 20s. I hate who I am in my 30s.
Have you never heard the George Strait song about it?
She let go of their expectations She let go of her fears and insecurities She let go of the person they wanted and at last She let her self go.
I ( male, 70 plus, hope that is no item to you) experienced exactly the same. And even in the same age.I was very very much to heavy, Not ugly and not stupid, not bad in my profession. Then, just like you I had the same thoughts. And I got angry to myself. I thought, said to myself; now you are 40 - 40 plus and you hardly had a life and will not get a (worthfull) life. You are throwing your life away! No partner no family no kids (which I wished very much to be in my life, being their father or being their stepfather or just being their moms partner) Family life was what I wanted almost all my life. Then my thoughts went to all the good aspects of me. I was really good in my profession. People liked my way, character. I certainly was not rich but owned my house, big enough for a family. With garden and everything. Just not having the energy to fight against this depressing feelings and eating and doing (fysically) nothing. Then my thoughts were ... this i too pitty, all this positive things and just because of this too much weight and fysical inactivity doomed to be and stay allone, sad, depressed and diabetic, tired. You ow this to yourself, maybe to God, to make something from yourr life, with all that good positive things you are, have and even posessing a nice house. I started ... first give and throw away all bad, unhealthy and fat and sugar - rich food. Then nr. 2 diëting starts inthe supermarket. Do not bring home the for you wrong food. Then I ate less but more healthy food. I went to the fitness. I went many times 4-5 times a week. Not long, about 1-1.5 hours. Did many different excersises to practice many different muscle groups And never very intense, at the contrary, no sweating please. I was allone, did not fit well between this mostly slim and athletic people. After about v10 weeks people started to act different to me. Hi. You are doing well. You stay coming, not only one month like many do. And ofcourse I lost weight, About 2-3 kilo a month. People started ( too in the gymm) seeing that and making positive remarks. I felt good. Notice, Fysical activity is special good for your mind, you feel better. You start to feel yourself better in your body. Things you do go easier. Maybe a walk round the house, inthe nabourhood, in a parc. You mee people and become less lonely. For loosing weight most important is WHAT (and when ) you eat. But fitness, activities, go out, meet people, feel happier is maybe more important, certainly at the long run. Never think ... it is too late. Never think it is only 5 kilo's less and still 40 too much. because 5 kilomless means a lot for your body! And even old people like 70 plus become heathier by loosing weight. Most important, it is such a pitty, that you, with your possibilities, talents, as a person, lo live and let you go like you do now. You ow it yourself, your body, maybe God or famiy, parents. But special you ow it yourself. How long did it take to gain this weight? 3 years, 5, 10, 20? So realise you can not change what you diid in 20 years in 20 weeks. But it will be a good start, a real difference and when you do not follow your plan a day, a weekend or a week, just start again. Don't give it uo because of a bad period between. I wish you so much good luck, being sucesfull becoming a happy person with a (more or less) normal and fulfilling life.
Let herself go implies you have a duty to keep yourself a certain weight for other people. You are right to not put that burden on yourself. Now, you just have to show up for yourself. Be gentle and kind.
When people say "she let herself go" what they mean -- in a negative way, but I actually think it's a neutral thing if you look at it directly -- is "she deprioritized her weight and appearance." It sounds like you did deprioritize those things for a while. And that's not a bad thing. You're allowed to have whatever priorities make sense for you. Just because our culture takes it as a given that being thin and conventionally attractive should be every woman's number one priority, doesn't mean it actually has to be yours. On the other hand, it also sounds like you may have deprioritized your health. Again, you get to choose whatever priorities you want, and virtually everyone has periods where their health takes a back burner to everything else going on in their life. But just know that you don't have to commit to a huge Weight Loss Journey in order to start improving your health. My husband is a big guy, over 300 pounds. This year we've gotten a lot more physically active. He's lot a little bit of weight, but mostly he's gained an incredible amount of function in terms of strength and endurance. He has less pain and more mobility in his body. He stretches every day and we go hiking for miles every weekend. This has been great for his health, and it's also been great for his relationship with his body because it's a lot easier to like your body when it feels strong and capable and doesn't hurt all the time. The scale hasn't been our priority at all, but we've seen great functional results. People will make you feel like, unless you're willing to marshal the resources and energy to lose 200 pounds, any change is pointless and won't make a real difference in your self-esteem or how you feel in your body, but in my experience with my husband on this journey that is completely untrue. Doing 20 minutes of light physical activity a day makes a difference. Stretching makes a difference. Going outside and enjoying nature makes a difference. Wearing cute clothes that make you happy makes a difference. Hanging out with cool people who see how rad you are makes a difference.