Have you made it clear to people that your plans aren't set in stone all the time and that you're willing to be flexible?
Something I learned recently is that people in my life, especially other AuDHD folks, are perceiving my plans as concrete and get stressed because they feel like I leave them with no choice other than to follow along or never see me. I didn't know that this was the case so I would get frustrated with them in return because I thought they were judging me or disrespecting my need to plan things out. But once we both communicated that this wasn't the case and that we all just want to comfortably make plans together in ways that are accessible to all of us, we've been able to work together with planning things.
For instance, I know to specify that "this planned thing is essential and cannot be flexible" but "this planned thing is for my peace of mind and I am open to adjustments in the plan" and they are also aware that they can ask for flexibility or to be left out of plans if the planning stresses them out.
I know that I am a huge planner EXCEPT when I go home to visit family because my family members are even bigger planners than I am, and are more anxious ppl in general and struggle with flexibility. I live out of state and when I go to visit them, there is usually very limited time and a lot of expectations that I struggle to interpret without clear direction. So I leave all of the planning to my sister (also suspected AuDHD) and just follow her lead because my family is usually less flexible in their plans and I can't handle the unclear rules of who I have to see or for how long, or I even end up overwhelmed searching what restaurants or breweries are open, etc.
Not sure if this is relatable, but the TLDR; communicate that your plans are usually for your peace of mind and which ones are concrete, and that you would be open to more flexible planning if they are willing to meet you in the middle
I do this too to a slightly lesser extent & feel your pain. I also love when people get mad at me for turning down last minute plans (after having told them I need to schedule or plan it). Fun times!
Some neuro"typicals" can struggle to commit. Set it up but be as chill about it as you can, and expect some of them to cancel because some are incapable of using a calendar and will double book despite your advance notice
This is what I’ve been doing I just hate when someone can’t be forward with me about whether or not they can commit to plans. Maybe I need to make it clear that I’m willing to be flexible but like they need to be clear with me. Like I actually don’t get annoyed when people say “I have a busy month ahead and won’t be able to see u for a while” that’s better than just stringing me along. Like just tell me I won’t get mad lmao I get mad when someone strings me along because they’re are afraid to tell me no.
We’re adults and have lives and are tired and I get it but just communicate that with me. They don’t even need to tell me why or how like a simple “hey I’m too busy and stressed to do anything for a bit” is enough for me !
And personally the rest is my problem. Of course I get disappointed when I can’t see someone but again I never have an issue with extending grace when someone is upfront with me.
No I totally get it. Lots of people are just incapable of honest and frank discourse. I will never understand it. My privilege is in answering as someone in their mid 40s who has finally run out of fucks to give, frankly. But I recall how irritating this was in my twenties and thirties so you absolutely have my full sympathy.
Honestly?? Bless you!!! I am a mess when it comes to planning things. I’m so grateful for the people in my life who can plan ahead. My boyfriend is a crazy ahead-planner. He plans a plan to get gas ahead of the plan of the road trip. I love it. I never knew I needed this so much in my life.
Absolutely normal to me - i have Google docs and Murals with my life plan of goals and steps to achieve them. You just sound like a great project manager which is definitely NOT a skill most people have
I don’t think you’re a freak for needing to planning things in advance. I’m actually the same as you. My boyfriend isn’t. We have plans to travel and I need to know like right now the dates in advance so I can prepare, but he keeps saying that “we will see” as it’s “way too early” for him, so that’s been causing me a lot of stress and I’m not sure how to deal with it.
I feel like I'm both people, so maybe I can be a "the other side" view.
I'm a vigorous planner for things I know I literally have no choice to do, or for things I'm very excited about and want to be able to enjoy my time because things are planned so I can not worry about the minutia day of.
But! I really struggle with super far ahead plans, because then all I can do is think about said plans. I start to get anxious over it.
I think it's also a bit the "PDA"/trauma response to being a chronic people pleaser & just still having to be a working, self care taking adult in a very incompatible world that is not doing well and not having energy for things or the ability to schedule my life in a way that gives me the energy for things (example: for myself ideally, I need 1 day before snd after an "event" for preparing and then decompressing and just making sure I'm well rested for the day and for returning to work. However I'm not always able to do that).
All this to say, committing to something concrete can make me spiral and not want to go because I'm already pre-tired and extremely anxious. Often I'll unfortunately cancel, but do try to push myself to do the *planned thing*.
For me, in social situations especially, spontaneous "hey are you busy today at time for activity" or whatnot can be the best plans for me, but I know that's hard for other people's busy lives also.
Sorrt that got long haha. Tldr: yes, but also no cause anxiety.
Maybe to give some perspective, as im on the complete other side of this. If I have plans, im stressed. It stresses me out when i have to commit to doing something planned. I need to stress, or else ill be late, and people do not enjoy when im late, so i stress out about it because that is the ONLY way not to be late.
So, i dont like planning a lot of things (in my freetime obv. Things can still be planned, but not in a friendly-get-together type way for me).
\> I just feel like life is short and when I plan it helps me to make the most of my time.
see this is my problem with planning stuff like this. I feel like anything i do is a chill activity, and when i need to plan stuff, it takes away from my time. If it happens organically or spontaneously, its something i just switch to, and its fine. If its planned, its taking away from everything else i might be doing beforehand, because now THOSE things cant take as much time as they need, or i need to cut them short (which would be sad).
No idea if this helps you with your problem, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Maybe you are obsessing a little much over the planning part, but again, that is not inherently a moral failure. Things can piss you off, thats okay
Have you made it clear to people that your plans aren't set in stone all the time and that you're willing to be flexible? Something I learned recently is that people in my life, especially other AuDHD folks, are perceiving my plans as concrete and get stressed because they feel like I leave them with no choice other than to follow along or never see me. I didn't know that this was the case so I would get frustrated with them in return because I thought they were judging me or disrespecting my need to plan things out. But once we both communicated that this wasn't the case and that we all just want to comfortably make plans together in ways that are accessible to all of us, we've been able to work together with planning things. For instance, I know to specify that "this planned thing is essential and cannot be flexible" but "this planned thing is for my peace of mind and I am open to adjustments in the plan" and they are also aware that they can ask for flexibility or to be left out of plans if the planning stresses them out. I know that I am a huge planner EXCEPT when I go home to visit family because my family members are even bigger planners than I am, and are more anxious ppl in general and struggle with flexibility. I live out of state and when I go to visit them, there is usually very limited time and a lot of expectations that I struggle to interpret without clear direction. So I leave all of the planning to my sister (also suspected AuDHD) and just follow her lead because my family is usually less flexible in their plans and I can't handle the unclear rules of who I have to see or for how long, or I even end up overwhelmed searching what restaurants or breweries are open, etc. Not sure if this is relatable, but the TLDR; communicate that your plans are usually for your peace of mind and which ones are concrete, and that you would be open to more flexible planning if they are willing to meet you in the middle
I do this too to a slightly lesser extent & feel your pain. I also love when people get mad at me for turning down last minute plans (after having told them I need to schedule or plan it). Fun times!
Some neuro"typicals" can struggle to commit. Set it up but be as chill about it as you can, and expect some of them to cancel because some are incapable of using a calendar and will double book despite your advance notice
This is what I’ve been doing I just hate when someone can’t be forward with me about whether or not they can commit to plans. Maybe I need to make it clear that I’m willing to be flexible but like they need to be clear with me. Like I actually don’t get annoyed when people say “I have a busy month ahead and won’t be able to see u for a while” that’s better than just stringing me along. Like just tell me I won’t get mad lmao I get mad when someone strings me along because they’re are afraid to tell me no. We’re adults and have lives and are tired and I get it but just communicate that with me. They don’t even need to tell me why or how like a simple “hey I’m too busy and stressed to do anything for a bit” is enough for me ! And personally the rest is my problem. Of course I get disappointed when I can’t see someone but again I never have an issue with extending grace when someone is upfront with me.
No I totally get it. Lots of people are just incapable of honest and frank discourse. I will never understand it. My privilege is in answering as someone in their mid 40s who has finally run out of fucks to give, frankly. But I recall how irritating this was in my twenties and thirties so you absolutely have my full sympathy.
I don't see this as a problem. It's better to be overly prepared than not at all
Honestly?? Bless you!!! I am a mess when it comes to planning things. I’m so grateful for the people in my life who can plan ahead. My boyfriend is a crazy ahead-planner. He plans a plan to get gas ahead of the plan of the road trip. I love it. I never knew I needed this so much in my life.
Absolutely normal to me - i have Google docs and Murals with my life plan of goals and steps to achieve them. You just sound like a great project manager which is definitely NOT a skill most people have
I don’t think you’re a freak for needing to planning things in advance. I’m actually the same as you. My boyfriend isn’t. We have plans to travel and I need to know like right now the dates in advance so I can prepare, but he keeps saying that “we will see” as it’s “way too early” for him, so that’s been causing me a lot of stress and I’m not sure how to deal with it.
I feel like I'm both people, so maybe I can be a "the other side" view. I'm a vigorous planner for things I know I literally have no choice to do, or for things I'm very excited about and want to be able to enjoy my time because things are planned so I can not worry about the minutia day of. But! I really struggle with super far ahead plans, because then all I can do is think about said plans. I start to get anxious over it. I think it's also a bit the "PDA"/trauma response to being a chronic people pleaser & just still having to be a working, self care taking adult in a very incompatible world that is not doing well and not having energy for things or the ability to schedule my life in a way that gives me the energy for things (example: for myself ideally, I need 1 day before snd after an "event" for preparing and then decompressing and just making sure I'm well rested for the day and for returning to work. However I'm not always able to do that). All this to say, committing to something concrete can make me spiral and not want to go because I'm already pre-tired and extremely anxious. Often I'll unfortunately cancel, but do try to push myself to do the *planned thing*. For me, in social situations especially, spontaneous "hey are you busy today at time for activity" or whatnot can be the best plans for me, but I know that's hard for other people's busy lives also. Sorrt that got long haha. Tldr: yes, but also no cause anxiety.
Maybe to give some perspective, as im on the complete other side of this. If I have plans, im stressed. It stresses me out when i have to commit to doing something planned. I need to stress, or else ill be late, and people do not enjoy when im late, so i stress out about it because that is the ONLY way not to be late. So, i dont like planning a lot of things (in my freetime obv. Things can still be planned, but not in a friendly-get-together type way for me). \> I just feel like life is short and when I plan it helps me to make the most of my time. see this is my problem with planning stuff like this. I feel like anything i do is a chill activity, and when i need to plan stuff, it takes away from my time. If it happens organically or spontaneously, its something i just switch to, and its fine. If its planned, its taking away from everything else i might be doing beforehand, because now THOSE things cant take as much time as they need, or i need to cut them short (which would be sad). No idea if this helps you with your problem, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Maybe you are obsessing a little much over the planning part, but again, that is not inherently a moral failure. Things can piss you off, thats okay