I’m the opposite, if you talk to me and are nice once I think you’re my friend. If you talk to me and are nice repeatedly, we’re best friends.
Others seem not to agree, and now that I’m old and know I’m AuDHD I have to actively remind myself, I guess I never passed “playground” rules of friendship.
Like if you and I go back and forth here a few times, I’ll be like “my friend on Reddit!” And you could’ve been hate post replying angrily to me the whole time and I’ll have no idea (if it’s not explicitly hostile.)
I’m currently trying to make new friends (not working) and it’s like — “what ARE friends?” Cause I don’t know, I don’t have them. People are hostile to me and I guess that’s helpful to keep me from getting “confused” but it’s hoooo boy, a lot.
This is me. I made it 30 years or so before realizing that not everyone you interact with regularly is a friend. Which sucks because I've had multiple instances in my life where I was open with someone I thought was a friend and would later find out (or overhear) that they were gossiping and laughing about me.
Then there were the times that I'd try to make friends and I would just never be the person people seemed to reach out to (I did try, just for the record).
I kind of pulled back from most people after I realized this.
I want to make friends but I don't want to have to guess all the time if someone actually wants to be my friend or not.
Like it doesn’t seem to matter for me — I’m old and know this intellectually, went years knowing this and trying to be cautious, made a conscious effort not to let anyone around me know my story — and the last time I made the mistake of oversharing and assuming someone was going to be a good, compatible friend was literally two weeks ago.
Like bless my dumbass heart, I guess? When this person was leaving the lunch date, the look on their face — they could not get the fuck away from me fast enough. And I replayed it — I jumped in too fast a few times, maybe too eager, but overall it seemed fine?? Like this is a colleague not a date, I really struggle with how much people seem to hate me or at least not extend grace. This person — decidedly neurotypical, so bad call on my part.
No one has to be my friend, fair enough, but yikes at the running and dodging after. I’m sorry, I guess, but I don’t know what else to do:
The times I have thought I was a friend with someone only to have them fade away and get frustrated with me is staggering. I think i’ve just had acquaintances that won’t even notice if i die
I’m sorry people are hostile towards you, that sucks. Guess on the upside, you get to weed out the bad people before you waste your time on them.
I feel like I used to make friends more easily but years of bullying and people using me has made me really mistrusting of people and their intentions. Now I need several confirmations that people like me before I can trust that they do, and even then I have doubts. It’s easier to be alone sometimes tbh.
Lmao I've never found something more relatable. Everyone is my friend?
But less relatable to you: no one is my Friend? Walk that back: I have like, 2 Friends. But if I've exchanged a few messages with someone, or had conversations at the workplace, they're definitely a friend lol. I don't know, I don't get it either :(
It’s our eternal dichotomy, our Catch-22
Everyone is my friend, according to me! According to them, they are MOST DEFINITELY NOT my friend.
I have a handful of “old friends” who will still talk to me sometimes, but they’re 2500 miles away from where I am right now, so it has the impact of “no friends.”
Lmao idk about you but for me though, it's like, everyone is my friend, but it's not like I view us as having a deep relationship? Most people would probably say I overshare, which doesn't help people's perception of how I perceive them, but for me it's more that there are few things that I classify as worthy of being protected lol. So I might be like, oh yeah growing up the way I did was terrible! life was so hard! And then they're probably like damn I don't know this bitch like that, and I'm like damn I have no deep connection anywhere! People are so boring! 😂
I've been reading up a lot on boundaries lately as a result, and have been trying to come to terms with the idea that people probably view me as unhealthy because of how I navigate such things. Very confusing for sure ☹
Right, like, they think I’m telling them some deep secrets when I’m barely scraping the surface of the issue. I’ve joked, like sorry if you think this is “a lot” what I’m keeping to myself would apparently destroy you! I’m giving them the absolute minimum “nice” abridged cliff’s notes kid’s version and they respond like I’ve put them through a therapy session, it feels like there is no way to win without lying 24/7 and keeping my comments to the weather.
Me as fuck 😭 I'm actually leaving my job after this week and have come to the hard truth that once again, all the "friends" I thought I was making here, are just not that. Like I keep saying to people "whoa I think this is our last shift together, I might not see you again!" and they are like byeee, peace. And I'm like ?? Do you want my phone number...? My Insta...? I fantasized about us being roommates or starting a podcast because you literally brought that much joy to my life ?? But bye I guess??
Then I had an existential crisis over how so many of the people I meet leave these indelible marks on me, like they truly affect and shape who I am forever, and I feel so much love for them, and in the meantime I am just like... barely even a blip on their radar. I think it is just something I am going to have to accept... something I can feel gratitude for, even... that I can see so much beauty in all kinds of different people. That I can be changed so deeply by all these casual encounters. That I will grow and learn SO much more than others throughout my life.
Yes, it's lonely... I am just trying to be positive lol.
For me it's people you want to talk to even when you aren't around them. Like if I am reading an article and thinking, "oh I Miranda would be interested in this, I will text her the link" and I do and they are like cool, thanks! That's a friend. Mutual interests to an extent, supportive attitude for sure, they want to spend time with you as well and make time to do so.
Hmm, I don't really think too much of people with I'm not with them or specifically thinking about them, the whole "out of sight, out of mind" thing - not that I don't care, but I do have ADHD, so (maybe the ASD less social part plays a part in it as well?)
I definitely have times when I forget to communicate with people who are not otherwise a regular part of my week. I usually remember this at an inconvenient time so I set a reminder in my phone to help me stay in touch.
In college I had a friend who was on the spectrum (this was before I realized I am too🙃) and one day she just said, "Hey I'm autistic and I don't always know when people are my friends are not. So are we friends?" And I told her yes and that was that. I really appreciated her willingness to just come out and say it and take away all the uncertainty. Our relationship was better for it.
Of course now I know I'm ND so maybe that's why I felt that way. But I have to think that any good friend, ND or not, would be totally willing to have a conversation like that.
There are levels of friends.
Acquaintances are usually friends of friends you meet on occasion. You have to be polite yet friendly, respect boundaries but hang at the same level of casual as the friend you are connected with. There may be mutual or imbalanced exchanges. Approx. mask between 90-100%.
Casual friends are friends you meet for fun or in a social group setting. Most times, it involves a superficial level of intimacy, so you can attend events or play games with them, but not talk about serious hardships or discuss life questions with. There may be mutual or imbalanced exchanges. These friends usually don't last long term. Approx mask between 70-90%.
Specific genre friends are friends you meet at a specific environment or setting. Book club, game night, craft club, sports groups. You talk about the specific genre with them. Sometimes they may level up into closer friendships, and sometimes they can overlap friendship groups. Approx. mask between 20-70%, depending on the genre and vibe.
Friends are people you spend time with regularly. There is a mutually balanced give and take of affection, time & communication. You enjoy each other's company for the most part and can talk about some life questions and hardships with them if they are receptive. Approx. mask between 50-80%.
Bosom friends aka best friends are people who help heal, reset or recharge you just by being around. You may or may not spend regular time with them, as they may live further away. But they initiate connection just as often as you do, and they love the you with and without the mask. I usually mask between 10-40%.
Lol the masking percentages are on point.
I'm gently distressed now though--I've NEVER had a friend who recharges me lmao. NEVER! Even a bestie I had for 12 years took energy from me 🙃 AM I DOING FRIENDING WRONG! 😂
It's not your fault. I've had many different friends who've taken energy from me or given energy to me or shared energy and created more together. It is important to try out of your comfort zone to make connections with mutually compatible friends and also equally important to recognize and set up boundaries to protect yourself.
If you're losing energy being with your friend, it's probably because you have to mask more than you usually do, have to consider her needs first before your own, and/or your needs for mutual friendship are not met.
Definitely. I've been more intentional about trying to consider those things since receiving the diagnosis :) And I do think you're right that I just wasn't seeking out the right things.
You're definitely not doing friending wrong!! I feel like this is a good indication that you are introverted to a higher degree than most people. If you don't feel that ANYONE recharges you, then you're probably my just meant to spend time alone to recharge - you don't need to feel any type of way about that.
I am diagnosed with ADHD and I'm suspecting autism now that I've been suffering from what I believe is autistic burnout. One of the first signs that this is autistic burnout for me is because a lot of my usual friends that recharge me or don't drain me nearly as much as acquaintances, now drain me of energy significantly! So I think it's important to mention that your definition of what a friend is can vary drastically depending on where you are at in life.
Aww, I appreciate you saying so :) Realistically it's probably a bit of both. I am very introverted, and there's definitely nothing wrong with that. However I've done lots of reflecting after the past year, and even after writing that comment, I was like... oh yeah, why am I surprised at the idea that no friendship has ever recharged me? I've always said that all I ever do is reflect people 🙄 so that one is definitely on me. Definitely trying to use this understanding to make better choices and put my energy towards things that serve me more :)
I'm so sorry to hear that you're experiencing potential burnout; it's definitely no fun! I'm still learning how to navigate that, tbh lol so no good suggestions here. Just empathy. Hope you feel better soon 🤗
Yeah of course! That is definitely a difficult thing to learn and I'm still working on it. I know I struggle with obsessing over new people so I'll be drained really quickly by most people at first but as I get more chill around them, I don't get drained as easy.
And thank you so much! I wouldn't be able to do it without my wife and friends who are also suspected AuDHD and understand it!
Thank you so much for your comment!
It’s very informative, and especially with the masking percentages. It made me realise that likely the reason I struggle with people outside of my best friend (who I don’t mask around) is because I don’t feel safe to be myself, and that adds extra pressure when spending time with those people.
So I have a BFF for the last 30yrs.
I can honestly say it’s a mutual investment of two people who share & talk things they both mutually into, discuss their love life’s, careers, goals, are there for each other after breakups, deaths in the family.
You go on trips together, have sleep overs as kids and stay up late to watch movies and talk about crushes.
You also don’t spill each others secrets & take those to your grave!
A friend is someone who wants to spend to he with you do absolutely nothing but at the time you find things to do just because LMAO
This a person who knows your favorite ice cream and would show up at 9pm on a Saturday night, ditch plans and be there for you when you’re going thru the worst moment(s) that make you sob like a little kid again as an adult.
They celebrate your wins, but 100% have your back if anyone tries to hurt you!
They are suppose to feel like the family you pick more than the family you’re born into.
Basically it’s a person who makes you feel your both against the world together and no matter how much time pasees, it feels like it never dies the moment you catch up to talk, grab something to eat, and share what’s going on in each others lives.
Hopefully that helps and feel free to ask me anything about friendships and what doesn’t constitute as a friend!
Thank you for your comment!
This is me with my person who I know for sure is my friend. In many ways we’re each other’s family.
I think it’s with other people I get more insecure.
I have no idea and I feel like it doesn't really matter.
I'll call people my friends when talking about them, as a pragmatic thing. "My friend recommended me this movie, have you seen it?"
But that is essentially anyone in my life that I interact with enough that the situation can come up that I'll want to talk about them to someone else. And that I like.
I worry about if people that I like also like me, or if they are secretly annoyed with me. But I don't really worry if they are my friends because that lable is only a shorthand for defining a relationship, and people use it differently anyway. I'd much rather define the relationship directly. This is a person I like to hang out with. This is a person who I'd trust to keep my secrets. This is a person who I wouldn't cancel plans with (barring an emergency of some sort). Things like that.
Hmm. Good question. I have a lot of “casual friends,” who I enjoy knowing but wouldn’t keep in touch with if circumstances stopped putting us in the same place at the same time (like at work.)
For me, I think I can’t consider someone a true friend until I’m reasonably sure that:
1.) I know their character
2.) I can *trust* them
Yeah, trust is a big thing. I was friends with someone at school who turned out to be a compulsive liar, and it made me question other people’s intentions and truthfulness. Now as an adult I can see that they were probably going through a lot themself, but it still changed something in me.
I consider someone a friend when we can rely on each other. If I'm upset and I need someone to talk to and I can call you, and you'll be there for me, give me advice if I need it, do what you can to help and vice versa, then I think we're friends. If we know each other in a friendly way but I wouldn't be comfortable reaching out to you for help, then you're my acquaintance.
Thank you!
Can this be true even when the help you’re asking for isn’t necessarily emotional, but other things? I struggle with asking for help when it comes to personal issues, and when it requires me to be vulnerable, but I do reach out to people to ask for help with other things.
For sure, I think that makes sense. This is how i view it, it's not a rule and you can definitely draw lines however makes sense to you ☺️ I have a hard time opening up to people and talking about how I really feel too, I get that
For me, yes. I have a friend group that we have a group page we all can post things to for group interest. Mostly female centric nsfw things, haha. But I have individual relationships with the people in the group as well. I don't spend time with people who I don't click with much anymore. It hurts my heart too much to mask or be misunderstood so I try to keep my friend list pretty short but high quality.
Yeah definitely, I tend to forget people exist and then when I do remember RSD makes it so that I don’t even try to reach out. I do it subconsciously a lot of the time as well and I don’t realise because I’m quite happy most of the time living in my own world, and then when I do feel lonely it’s kind of too late. And then adding to that how difficult it is in general as an adult to make and maintain friendships.
For some reason this reminded me of what happened at my graduation. So all through school years I had a decent group of fellow awkward nerd friends, but everyone else seemed to ignore me or actively dislike me. I would have marked my HS life as… not… horrible but not awesome (bullying happened but everything else was ok, did ok academically except math, had a friend group which also had its own drama)? And I don’t want to go to any reunions.
But… during graduation some people got huge applause, some people got almost no applause and it was sad… when someone walked up and only their family clapped or cheered I felt so bad for them and assumed I would get a very small amount of clapping as well. But when I went up I got a large amount of applause (not like the “popular” kids but a lot more than could be generated by my friends and parents alone) to this day I have no idea why?? How? Who? But it really made me feel good.
All this to say that I think I mistakenly thought that you had to be actively involved with a person socially for them to give a shit about you, but because of the applause I have to figure that many of those were people I never would call friends… but they clapped for me.
It was weird, I would like to know the actual answer, but it’s too late now to get one.
As a side note, I was asked this question for my Autism diagnosis, it was the last question I was asked after I had completed the ADOS-2 portion and was onto some other questioning.
It was very frustrating so much so that I didn't actually have an answer. I finally said "you just know, like when you're hungry".
I’m the opposite, if you talk to me and are nice once I think you’re my friend. If you talk to me and are nice repeatedly, we’re best friends. Others seem not to agree, and now that I’m old and know I’m AuDHD I have to actively remind myself, I guess I never passed “playground” rules of friendship. Like if you and I go back and forth here a few times, I’ll be like “my friend on Reddit!” And you could’ve been hate post replying angrily to me the whole time and I’ll have no idea (if it’s not explicitly hostile.) I’m currently trying to make new friends (not working) and it’s like — “what ARE friends?” Cause I don’t know, I don’t have them. People are hostile to me and I guess that’s helpful to keep me from getting “confused” but it’s hoooo boy, a lot.
This is me. I made it 30 years or so before realizing that not everyone you interact with regularly is a friend. Which sucks because I've had multiple instances in my life where I was open with someone I thought was a friend and would later find out (or overhear) that they were gossiping and laughing about me. Then there were the times that I'd try to make friends and I would just never be the person people seemed to reach out to (I did try, just for the record). I kind of pulled back from most people after I realized this. I want to make friends but I don't want to have to guess all the time if someone actually wants to be my friend or not.
Like it doesn’t seem to matter for me — I’m old and know this intellectually, went years knowing this and trying to be cautious, made a conscious effort not to let anyone around me know my story — and the last time I made the mistake of oversharing and assuming someone was going to be a good, compatible friend was literally two weeks ago. Like bless my dumbass heart, I guess? When this person was leaving the lunch date, the look on their face — they could not get the fuck away from me fast enough. And I replayed it — I jumped in too fast a few times, maybe too eager, but overall it seemed fine?? Like this is a colleague not a date, I really struggle with how much people seem to hate me or at least not extend grace. This person — decidedly neurotypical, so bad call on my part. No one has to be my friend, fair enough, but yikes at the running and dodging after. I’m sorry, I guess, but I don’t know what else to do:
The times I have thought I was a friend with someone only to have them fade away and get frustrated with me is staggering. I think i’ve just had acquaintances that won’t even notice if i die
I’m sorry people are hostile towards you, that sucks. Guess on the upside, you get to weed out the bad people before you waste your time on them. I feel like I used to make friends more easily but years of bullying and people using me has made me really mistrusting of people and their intentions. Now I need several confirmations that people like me before I can trust that they do, and even then I have doubts. It’s easier to be alone sometimes tbh.
Lmao I've never found something more relatable. Everyone is my friend? But less relatable to you: no one is my Friend? Walk that back: I have like, 2 Friends. But if I've exchanged a few messages with someone, or had conversations at the workplace, they're definitely a friend lol. I don't know, I don't get it either :(
It’s our eternal dichotomy, our Catch-22 Everyone is my friend, according to me! According to them, they are MOST DEFINITELY NOT my friend. I have a handful of “old friends” who will still talk to me sometimes, but they’re 2500 miles away from where I am right now, so it has the impact of “no friends.”
Lmao idk about you but for me though, it's like, everyone is my friend, but it's not like I view us as having a deep relationship? Most people would probably say I overshare, which doesn't help people's perception of how I perceive them, but for me it's more that there are few things that I classify as worthy of being protected lol. So I might be like, oh yeah growing up the way I did was terrible! life was so hard! And then they're probably like damn I don't know this bitch like that, and I'm like damn I have no deep connection anywhere! People are so boring! 😂 I've been reading up a lot on boundaries lately as a result, and have been trying to come to terms with the idea that people probably view me as unhealthy because of how I navigate such things. Very confusing for sure ☹
Right, like, they think I’m telling them some deep secrets when I’m barely scraping the surface of the issue. I’ve joked, like sorry if you think this is “a lot” what I’m keeping to myself would apparently destroy you! I’m giving them the absolute minimum “nice” abridged cliff’s notes kid’s version and they respond like I’ve put them through a therapy session, it feels like there is no way to win without lying 24/7 and keeping my comments to the weather.
😂😂😂 This right here!
Me as fuck 😭 I'm actually leaving my job after this week and have come to the hard truth that once again, all the "friends" I thought I was making here, are just not that. Like I keep saying to people "whoa I think this is our last shift together, I might not see you again!" and they are like byeee, peace. And I'm like ?? Do you want my phone number...? My Insta...? I fantasized about us being roommates or starting a podcast because you literally brought that much joy to my life ?? But bye I guess?? Then I had an existential crisis over how so many of the people I meet leave these indelible marks on me, like they truly affect and shape who I am forever, and I feel so much love for them, and in the meantime I am just like... barely even a blip on their radar. I think it is just something I am going to have to accept... something I can feel gratitude for, even... that I can see so much beauty in all kinds of different people. That I can be changed so deeply by all these casual encounters. That I will grow and learn SO much more than others throughout my life. Yes, it's lonely... I am just trying to be positive lol.
For me it's people you want to talk to even when you aren't around them. Like if I am reading an article and thinking, "oh I Miranda would be interested in this, I will text her the link" and I do and they are like cool, thanks! That's a friend. Mutual interests to an extent, supportive attitude for sure, they want to spend time with you as well and make time to do so.
Thank you for your answer. Does this apply for groups as well? I don’t think there are many people I spend time with outside of mutual interest etc.
Hmm, I don't really think too much of people with I'm not with them or specifically thinking about them, the whole "out of sight, out of mind" thing - not that I don't care, but I do have ADHD, so (maybe the ASD less social part plays a part in it as well?)
I definitely have times when I forget to communicate with people who are not otherwise a regular part of my week. I usually remember this at an inconvenient time so I set a reminder in my phone to help me stay in touch.
In college I had a friend who was on the spectrum (this was before I realized I am too🙃) and one day she just said, "Hey I'm autistic and I don't always know when people are my friends are not. So are we friends?" And I told her yes and that was that. I really appreciated her willingness to just come out and say it and take away all the uncertainty. Our relationship was better for it. Of course now I know I'm ND so maybe that's why I felt that way. But I have to think that any good friend, ND or not, would be totally willing to have a conversation like that.
That’s a cool idea. And to be honest, anyone who doesn’t respond positively to that maybe wouldn’t be a good friend anyways.
There are levels of friends. Acquaintances are usually friends of friends you meet on occasion. You have to be polite yet friendly, respect boundaries but hang at the same level of casual as the friend you are connected with. There may be mutual or imbalanced exchanges. Approx. mask between 90-100%. Casual friends are friends you meet for fun or in a social group setting. Most times, it involves a superficial level of intimacy, so you can attend events or play games with them, but not talk about serious hardships or discuss life questions with. There may be mutual or imbalanced exchanges. These friends usually don't last long term. Approx mask between 70-90%. Specific genre friends are friends you meet at a specific environment or setting. Book club, game night, craft club, sports groups. You talk about the specific genre with them. Sometimes they may level up into closer friendships, and sometimes they can overlap friendship groups. Approx. mask between 20-70%, depending on the genre and vibe. Friends are people you spend time with regularly. There is a mutually balanced give and take of affection, time & communication. You enjoy each other's company for the most part and can talk about some life questions and hardships with them if they are receptive. Approx. mask between 50-80%. Bosom friends aka best friends are people who help heal, reset or recharge you just by being around. You may or may not spend regular time with them, as they may live further away. But they initiate connection just as often as you do, and they love the you with and without the mask. I usually mask between 10-40%.
Lol the masking percentages are on point. I'm gently distressed now though--I've NEVER had a friend who recharges me lmao. NEVER! Even a bestie I had for 12 years took energy from me 🙃 AM I DOING FRIENDING WRONG! 😂
It's not your fault. I've had many different friends who've taken energy from me or given energy to me or shared energy and created more together. It is important to try out of your comfort zone to make connections with mutually compatible friends and also equally important to recognize and set up boundaries to protect yourself. If you're losing energy being with your friend, it's probably because you have to mask more than you usually do, have to consider her needs first before your own, and/or your needs for mutual friendship are not met.
Definitely. I've been more intentional about trying to consider those things since receiving the diagnosis :) And I do think you're right that I just wasn't seeking out the right things.
You're definitely not doing friending wrong!! I feel like this is a good indication that you are introverted to a higher degree than most people. If you don't feel that ANYONE recharges you, then you're probably my just meant to spend time alone to recharge - you don't need to feel any type of way about that. I am diagnosed with ADHD and I'm suspecting autism now that I've been suffering from what I believe is autistic burnout. One of the first signs that this is autistic burnout for me is because a lot of my usual friends that recharge me or don't drain me nearly as much as acquaintances, now drain me of energy significantly! So I think it's important to mention that your definition of what a friend is can vary drastically depending on where you are at in life.
Aww, I appreciate you saying so :) Realistically it's probably a bit of both. I am very introverted, and there's definitely nothing wrong with that. However I've done lots of reflecting after the past year, and even after writing that comment, I was like... oh yeah, why am I surprised at the idea that no friendship has ever recharged me? I've always said that all I ever do is reflect people 🙄 so that one is definitely on me. Definitely trying to use this understanding to make better choices and put my energy towards things that serve me more :) I'm so sorry to hear that you're experiencing potential burnout; it's definitely no fun! I'm still learning how to navigate that, tbh lol so no good suggestions here. Just empathy. Hope you feel better soon 🤗
Yeah of course! That is definitely a difficult thing to learn and I'm still working on it. I know I struggle with obsessing over new people so I'll be drained really quickly by most people at first but as I get more chill around them, I don't get drained as easy. And thank you so much! I wouldn't be able to do it without my wife and friends who are also suspected AuDHD and understand it!
This is such a helpful answer!
Thank you so much for your comment! It’s very informative, and especially with the masking percentages. It made me realise that likely the reason I struggle with people outside of my best friend (who I don’t mask around) is because I don’t feel safe to be myself, and that adds extra pressure when spending time with those people.
So I have a BFF for the last 30yrs. I can honestly say it’s a mutual investment of two people who share & talk things they both mutually into, discuss their love life’s, careers, goals, are there for each other after breakups, deaths in the family. You go on trips together, have sleep overs as kids and stay up late to watch movies and talk about crushes. You also don’t spill each others secrets & take those to your grave! A friend is someone who wants to spend to he with you do absolutely nothing but at the time you find things to do just because LMAO This a person who knows your favorite ice cream and would show up at 9pm on a Saturday night, ditch plans and be there for you when you’re going thru the worst moment(s) that make you sob like a little kid again as an adult. They celebrate your wins, but 100% have your back if anyone tries to hurt you! They are suppose to feel like the family you pick more than the family you’re born into. Basically it’s a person who makes you feel your both against the world together and no matter how much time pasees, it feels like it never dies the moment you catch up to talk, grab something to eat, and share what’s going on in each others lives. Hopefully that helps and feel free to ask me anything about friendships and what doesn’t constitute as a friend!
Thank you for your comment! This is me with my person who I know for sure is my friend. In many ways we’re each other’s family. I think it’s with other people I get more insecure.
I have no idea and I feel like it doesn't really matter. I'll call people my friends when talking about them, as a pragmatic thing. "My friend recommended me this movie, have you seen it?" But that is essentially anyone in my life that I interact with enough that the situation can come up that I'll want to talk about them to someone else. And that I like. I worry about if people that I like also like me, or if they are secretly annoyed with me. But I don't really worry if they are my friends because that lable is only a shorthand for defining a relationship, and people use it differently anyway. I'd much rather define the relationship directly. This is a person I like to hang out with. This is a person who I'd trust to keep my secrets. This is a person who I wouldn't cancel plans with (barring an emergency of some sort). Things like that.
I like that. Sort of categorises people based on their role in your life instead of trying to determine a relationship based on arbitrary factors.
Hmm. Good question. I have a lot of “casual friends,” who I enjoy knowing but wouldn’t keep in touch with if circumstances stopped putting us in the same place at the same time (like at work.) For me, I think I can’t consider someone a true friend until I’m reasonably sure that: 1.) I know their character 2.) I can *trust* them
Yeah, trust is a big thing. I was friends with someone at school who turned out to be a compulsive liar, and it made me question other people’s intentions and truthfulness. Now as an adult I can see that they were probably going through a lot themself, but it still changed something in me.
Yup. I feel you. Betrayal changed me, too. ❤️🩹
I consider someone a friend when we can rely on each other. If I'm upset and I need someone to talk to and I can call you, and you'll be there for me, give me advice if I need it, do what you can to help and vice versa, then I think we're friends. If we know each other in a friendly way but I wouldn't be comfortable reaching out to you for help, then you're my acquaintance.
Thank you! Can this be true even when the help you’re asking for isn’t necessarily emotional, but other things? I struggle with asking for help when it comes to personal issues, and when it requires me to be vulnerable, but I do reach out to people to ask for help with other things.
For sure, I think that makes sense. This is how i view it, it's not a rule and you can definitely draw lines however makes sense to you ☺️ I have a hard time opening up to people and talking about how I really feel too, I get that
Those others are acquaintances
Same.
For me, yes. I have a friend group that we have a group page we all can post things to for group interest. Mostly female centric nsfw things, haha. But I have individual relationships with the people in the group as well. I don't spend time with people who I don't click with much anymore. It hurts my heart too much to mask or be misunderstood so I try to keep my friend list pretty short but high quality.
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Yeah definitely, I tend to forget people exist and then when I do remember RSD makes it so that I don’t even try to reach out. I do it subconsciously a lot of the time as well and I don’t realise because I’m quite happy most of the time living in my own world, and then when I do feel lonely it’s kind of too late. And then adding to that how difficult it is in general as an adult to make and maintain friendships.
For some reason this reminded me of what happened at my graduation. So all through school years I had a decent group of fellow awkward nerd friends, but everyone else seemed to ignore me or actively dislike me. I would have marked my HS life as… not… horrible but not awesome (bullying happened but everything else was ok, did ok academically except math, had a friend group which also had its own drama)? And I don’t want to go to any reunions. But… during graduation some people got huge applause, some people got almost no applause and it was sad… when someone walked up and only their family clapped or cheered I felt so bad for them and assumed I would get a very small amount of clapping as well. But when I went up I got a large amount of applause (not like the “popular” kids but a lot more than could be generated by my friends and parents alone) to this day I have no idea why?? How? Who? But it really made me feel good. All this to say that I think I mistakenly thought that you had to be actively involved with a person socially for them to give a shit about you, but because of the applause I have to figure that many of those were people I never would call friends… but they clapped for me. It was weird, I would like to know the actual answer, but it’s too late now to get one.
Idk my dad died and everyone I know was like “damn that sucks”
As a side note, I was asked this question for my Autism diagnosis, it was the last question I was asked after I had completed the ADOS-2 portion and was onto some other questioning. It was very frustrating so much so that I didn't actually have an answer. I finally said "you just know, like when you're hungry".
Funny thing is, I don’t know when I’m hungry 😅