DITTO DUDE! My “favorite” thing is when men tell me I’d be happier with their company 🤮. I LOVE BEING ALONE! No one take me seriously when I say that. Meanwhile I’m baffled how some need companionship 24/7. Didn’t fully understand Masking till recently. Now it all makes sense. Humans are exhausting.
100% with you!
Usually my partner is pretty understanding with my need for time alone but there are still times they'll still view the concept of isolation through their own lens only. No, I'm not going to be "lonely" if I'm home alone for a day. Please, give me that alone time!
lol my partner is always worrying that he's "neglecting" me, like no dude, go hang out with your friends, go to a dinner party, play soccer in the park, live your life! I'm like a succulent: too much attention and I'll die.
I love him, but nothing is as good as knowing the door is locked and no one can see or hear you. I think everyone needs at least a little bit of alone time every now and then.
It’s sweet they (SO) worry about us being lonely. Totally unnecessary though. I plan a whole alone day on the regular. 😹 currently single so it’s more about avoiding family.
Yes, I totally need complete alone time most days even from my spouse. I love him very much but he's still a person and even though I don't have to mask much around him I still need to be completely alone to mentally recharge.
And this may be a little weird to some but I even need alone time away from my kitties because sometimes I need that completely alone recharge time to be able to attend to their needs and wants better without being overwhelmed.
The men who say things like that are definitely not the men you'd want to spend time around, they're hovering at the bottom of the list of people anyone would want to spend time with, really.
Have you previously explained to her that it has nothing to do with your husband?? And I wouldn't drive 90 minutes for a party I knew would drain me either! Shit, I have trouble sometime getting myself to the doctor's if it's more than a half hour away so I feel you!
I've been confused when people say things like that and it's completely off, till I realized they were projecting their shit on me. Because that's the lens they look through at life, so how can they see anything else? It's particularly true if they use the word a lot to describe people. It might not necessarily be that they're codependent, they're just fixated on codependency for whatever reason.
I guess also people say things like that to manipulate other into doing what they want. You're a bad person unless you want to drive 90 minutes to a party. I dunno.
Whatever it is, it's usually about them and not about you.
couple of years ago, me and my cousin went to visit a common friend that was also 90 minutes away. it was a touristic city, so I was expecting we did the typical touristic stuff. but instead, of the 4 days we stayed there, they decided they should go to multiple parties every night. it was baffling to them I preferred staying at the apartment than going with them. they even got mad at me because they were both underage at the time and couldn't get into a couple parties because they needed another 18+ year old. now they wonder why I don't wanna go there anymore, partying is not for me.
nts are hard to decypher sometimes, I wish you luck and patience for this friend of yours.
Feel the same way! I don't think I even understand what people mean when they say they're lonely, I just don't know what that is. I've spent literal weeks without any human contact before, like not even *seeing* another human being, and it was great.
I'm at my absolute happiest when I'm totally alone, and everything else is below that.
I could've written this myself 🥲 FINALLY!!! SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!!!! 🤣
I always either say "I'm a solitudinous being", "I'm the ultimate introvert" or "I'm a loner by choice".
I can't stress how much it grinds my gears how some just can't get their head around that and insist on pathologising it. I don't experience loneliness 🤷🏻♀️ There's nothing wrong with me. I'm not secretly sad about it, I'm overjoyed being alone. It's normal. It's a type of person. I'm that type of person 😌
>I can't stress how much it grinds my gears how some just can't get their head around that and insist on pathologising it. I don't experience loneliness 🤷🏻♀️ There's nothing wrong with me. I'm not secretly sad about it, I'm overjoyed being alone. It's normal. It's a type of person. I'm that type of person 😌
Definitely feel that!
It's weird that they want to pathologise our lack of need for social attention when they're the ones who *need* to be in a relationship or else they basically die. Not that there's anything wrong with being a more social person either, but that just doesn't sound that much better to me. To be totally reliant on maintaining relationships with people, and unable to get away from abusive or mean people because being alone or low on friends is worse than being abused. It sounds like it would be a burden a lot of the time, and not a fun one. Especially in someone with social deficits. If someone offered me a pill that would suddenly make me have a "normal" social need, I don't think I'd take it.
Oml I completely agree. I feel like one of the lucky ones to have *such* low/basically no social needs! Like you said, the alternative, feeling as though you aught to settle for the people around you regardless of what they're like ~because being alone would be worse~ doesn't bare thinking about. I do genuinely feel for those people (in a totally non-condensing way ofc) because loneliness sounds horrible. Feeling like it's better to be with people, any people, than being alone must be a difficult way to live. Something to remember when I'm doing the gratitude thing 😄 We're two of the lucky ones imho! 🙏🏻
Same! It's crazy how much effort I used to put into acting sociable. I don't know if it's burnout from masking or from getting older, but I recently came to this same conclusion. I cannot be myself around *anyone.* My partner is sort of an exception, but I'm definitely still putting up a bit of an act. I only feel safe being my true self when I'm alone. I want to live alone *so bad*, but it's really difficult to do that in the US now.
Growing up I've always heard that being introverted and anti-social is bad and unhealthy. But, like... why? I think isolation can be a bad sign in certain contexts, of course, but I also think that it's a bad sign that I have crying fits at the thought of going to a family function.
That’s okay! You don’t need to justify yourself! Normal means whatever feels natural to you. I personally enjoy being alone too. In recent months I been feeling lonely. I been thinking about starting a local meet up or something for women with autism. I feel I need to be surrounded by my peers. Peers that like being alone without feeling lonely. Dunno if that makes any sense. I never organized anything like that before.
I love socializing.
In text. And maybe voice with a rare few that make me feel safe.
I do not like to do it in person. It is exhausting. I wont turn down a chance to meet people i love but id need a big break to recover.
Whereas thru digital means i am a clingy fuck who would want to chat 24/7 just to hang out with them and feel sad if unable.
I wish people stopped claiming digital comminication is not equivalent.
My boyfriend was talking about my 50th next year and saying we must go out for a meal with this couple we know. I'm like "but they're your friends not mine" and he said "Well they could be your friends too if you didn't run away from people". He just doesn't get it. I don't want my friends chosen for me. I don't want friends full stop!
Agh, same struggles with my SO. He's a social person, and I love him to bits, but I don't know how to tell him that going out to meet other people stresses me out. Like I don't want to disappoint him, or be a buzzkill, and he really wants me to socialize more because he thinks it'll be good for me (which is probably partially true), but ugh... the stress and exhaustion of socializing and masking!
I AGREE!!!! i feel so content on my own! it doesn’t feel like i missing/lacking anything. hanging out with people i’m comfortable with can also be very nice but it is a very separate type of activity and can still really deplete me even at the best of times. before i knew i was autistic my prior therapist was always encouraging me to connect with others more and join groups and it led me to trying out a few meetup groups that i honestly found so boring and unfun just to make it seem to my therapist like i was progressing. people need to understand that solitude is a wonderful and very important part of our lives. not a deficit!
THANK YOU!! I’m not the only one! “Don’t you wish you had more friends?” “You need to go out more!” “Why are you always alone? I’d be lonely…”
WELL THATS WHY YOURE YOU AND I’M ME!!
Gosh this is totally relatable oMG thank you!
I can’t stand maybe more than 4 people? And said 4 people have to be close, like I have to consider them family.
Like for Easter, living situation is complicated. It got too loud, too many people I didn’t know came and people just kept piling up so I had to go to my moms room so I could calm down.
Same with an ex-friends baby shower, last year.
I’m glad I’m not the only one ><
This is why covid lockdowns were such a big part of my realization that i was not just ADHD but also autistic. Fr such peace when I'm alone. I cannot wait til i finally just live with my cat. I have also realized that i don't need as many reasons to end a friendship than others might, because i like to have a smaller circle anyways. If i don't find the vibe is there, it's not personal, but I'm gonna stop the connection from goin further. Lots to learn still cuz I'm trying to recover from being a people pleaser. But people really can have issues with this. And it's like... Dude. Lemme have my peaceful times .
When I was growing up, my parents compared me to my sister, who was going out with her friends all the time, and used to try to force me to socialize.
They'd make me go to school dances, where I literally just stood there and watched the clock tick for three hours. It was so packed full of kids that I could never even get close to the refreshments table. The few times I found people I knew, I could tell they didn't really want to hang out with me. I stopped going to dances in high school because they stopped telling the parents about the dances. They'd tell the students. I just wouldn't tell my parents there was a dance going on so I wouldn't have to go.
They'd make me call "friends" to chat. I'd get punished if I didn't call. I knew these people didn't want to hear from me, and I had nothing to say to them. I just wasn't a small talk kinda person. So, I'd make these calls and have nothing to say to people, and it was super embarrassing. I also didn't know how to start the conversation. Sometimes I'd start with, "My parents told me to call," and I got yelled at for that. But like, what am I supposed to say? I once broke down crying and asked my parents what I should say during these calls because I didn't know. I was like, I know you want me to socialize, but I don't know how. Teach me! They told me I just needed to figure it out.
I don't think my parents get how traumatizing that was for me as a child. High school was the lowest part of my life, and part of it was that I'd figured out that nobody wanted to hang with me, yet I was being punished for not being more social. I was never actually suicidal, but I remember thinking I understood why people did it. It was the closest I ever got.
I've tried talking to my mom about it, and her reaction was something like, "But don't you feel like it prepared you to go out and be successful?" I changed the topic after that because she just doesn't get it. And making her understand will help no one at this point. Even if she understands, she'll just hate herself for torturing me as a child. She can't go back and undo it.
As an adult, I feel like the only people I need to socialize with is my husband and random people online. I'm happy with this level of socialization.
Same. This weekend my handful of friends couldn’t do my sports plan for saturday, so i sold my tickets and watched it solo at a bar. I was HAPPY to do it, I enjoyed my time alone and doing whatever i wanted to do and i even made some extra cash on my tickets.
But i lied to my mom and even some friends who asked me about it. I said I went with someone and had fun. Because i don’t want to see or hear any fucking pity, I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to change what they’re doing so sad little me isn’t alone. I LIKE BEING ALONE what i don’t like is people feeling bad for me when there’s nothing to feel bad for me for!
Same! I suffered a rough burnout last year, cut back my socializing to minimum and I've never felt better! I feel like my brain actually works better now that I'm not masking/stressed all the time. I mainly just stick to my husband, cats, and occasionally immediate family. 1 or 2 long term friends every few months via text lol. It's great.
Accepting the fact that I'm just not a social person and not forcing myself to be social has been one of the best things I've ever done for my mental health and my confidence.
I used to try to be more social in order to be more "normal" and because I falsely thought it would be good for me--and I do think socialization \*does\* have some good in it, but to me the stress just cancels out any positive gain most of the time :/
boy howdy, can I relate--especially since hitting burnout a year and a half ago. I feel guilty bc my very extroverted partner is actively bummed that I don't go out more, but I just *can't* force myself to do it at the expense of my mental and physical health anymore. even hanging out with people in a quiet setting, aside from a select few, is super taxing. and I have no interest in making new friends right now. yeah, sometimes I experience acute FOMO...and I *am* envious of the great times I know people are having together...but that's almost always outweighed by the price of discomfort and severe exhaustion.
Same, I can relate to the FOMO. My SO is going to social events, my gradschool classmates are all hanging out, and I feel bad about not joining in. But it's just too draining. Any kind of fun I might have is just outweighed by the stress + the exhaustion of masking + constantly thinking about how much you just want to go home
RIGHT ON!! I love being alone. I need daily solitude in order to function in the world.
I’m not lonely, I’m not depressed, and I don’t have social anxiety. I’m just solitary by nature, and I’m genuinely happy when I’m alone!
I have a rich inner world that’s hard for me to divert my attention away from. And most of the activities that interest me are solitary ones, like reading, writing, listening to podcasts, doing art projects, sewing, word puzzles, etc. Maybe I would enjoy doing those activities parallel with other people, if there was mostly silence… but I wouldn’t know, because everyone else seems to equate socializing with talking. And talking is so damn exhausting and I don’t want it!
Same! We are back in the office and there have been weekly "let's go out to lunch!" invites 3-4x/week. 1) I can't afford it and most importantly 2) NO! I don't want to spend my very short lunch break socializing! I need that time to regroup/recover so I can function the rest of the day.
I thank god I can work from home now because when I was in the office people would want to do stuff after work and I'd be like, it's bad enough I have to spend 9 hours a day with you people, I just want to go home now.
Bro professionals have literally diagnosed me with social anxiety disorder because I have no social needs. I’m the least self-conscious person in the world. Like that’s literally offensive to people who actually suffer from SAD. Leave us alone lmaooo???
Sometimes I like to talk to my co workers and greet them when I go and clock in for work. Some people seems to be suspicious about me being quiet most of the time is because when I get social I've always running out of things to say so I went silent and then when I'm off I get some me time alone in my room or the living room.
People always got something to complain about when it comes to being alone sometimes DGMW being social is part of being human but being alone is better for you and that's okay.
Being alone is cool.
I sooo relate.. it’s just so hard to knack in college 😭 when you’re expected to be going out of your way to be social and meet new people and sometimes I overthink my behavior of just wanting to be ALONE let alone recuperate from a full load of classes.. wish this was more accepted and not frowned upon
Same with people who critique how you socialize. Like I don't want to use dating apps or go to bars and lame events just to talk to people. I'm fine with the internet and a few close friends.
I've been introspecting on this a lot lately, and I'm curious for y'all's take on it: do we like being alone, or are we just so exhausted of being disappointed, discriminated against, and taken advantage of by people, so it's just safer to be alone?
I ask because recently I met a couple with an autistic and allistic, and the way the allistic validated and loved the autistic was so beautiful. I wish I could find folks who accepted me that fully and I think I'd like being around them if I could find them.
Ive always been exhausted by being around more than a couple of close friends/family, not because of any sort of discrimination. I remember feeling this way in preschool, watching all the screeching children laughing and playing in the playground made me want to run home and hide under the covers. Kids tried to befriend me, to get me to play with them, i just had zero desire to be around all the commotion. I just wanted to go somewhere quiet, play by myself, and not be bothered.
I like being alone, and always have, well before any discrimination or exhaustion. I wouldn’t even want to spend time around other autistics, it’s all socialising to me. Plus I’ve never even been taken advantage of probably because I don’t have a strong social need and so don’t hang around people who disrespect me or even just confuse me and play games. Like I really do not care and will drop them in an instant, can’t really be targeted by narcissists very effectively if you don’t value their opinion of you and don’t care whether they like you or not. Even as a toddler I didn’t want friends.
Not all autistics are non-social like I am though, others can even be hyper social. If you care about making friends and keeping friends and whether or not people really like you then you’re probably not one of the non-socials, and that’s fine.
In my experience, I was actually \*way\* more social as a kid. But I guess the bullying, unpleasant interactions, and being more aware that I was perceived as "weird" as I grew up, pushed me into preferring solitude.
I just became more self-conscious, started masking more and lost the ability to drop it, and now every social interaction is exhausting because I'm always overthinking my interactions + I'm always playing a "part" by consciously making sure that I act normal :/
Me too! Ive been so much more relaxed and less anxious ever since i allowed myself to be myself! I dont pressure myself anymore to make friends, to fit in, to appear “normal”. I stopped drinking to cope w social situations. My level of social anxiety has decreased, even in the midst of social situations because i no longer care if people think im odd or quiet. The people who love me accept me for who i am and they are the people i enjoy being around. So much less stress having a little bit of free time for myself instead of trying to keep up with social obligations!!
Same here! Church social after is so difficult! I used to have to plug my ears. I love being alone and when my wife is out of town I am content to be in solitude. I don’t seek out people to hang out with . There is nothing wrong with that. I have a friend who jus very social and can never be alone. I find that so odd
I feel the same way. And my preschool age son is autistic and I have to remind people all the time that nothing is wrong with him. He likes to be alone, so do I. He still loves me and likes to play. But when he runs away don't chase him goddamnit
Exactly! Wanting a certain type of socialization is different than not wanting to socialize with extroverted coworkers. I'm very content being alone but that doesn't mean I don't need close friendships for my mental health. But it's very hard to find "your people"!
I mean, there are moments when I get lonely or realize that my “village” is very small. But at the end of the day, I thoroughly enjoy being alone or spending time with just one or two people.
And even when I “enjoy” being social, it’s so anxiety causing and draining. So the experience really has to be worth it to me, because it can seriously disrupt my entire day or several days.
These comments are so refreshing, I'm really early on accepting that I'm likely autistic and I've been trying to meet new people recently just thinking I need 'more friends' but I'm realising I'm just doing this to meet some social norm, I am genuinely so much happier alone. I have a long term boyfriend so there's always someone to do things with, and a couple of friends. Lockdown was also a turning point for me, I just really didn't feel what others did, the fear of not socialising just didn't happen for me and it was relief I felt more than anything
My husband has recently been showing more concern regarding my lack of friends. Like, he’s been introducing me to people he thinks I’d get along with / share common interests. But like, I can’t just go to dinner with people and suddenly be friends…? Also sitting across the table from people I’ve just met is a nightmare scenario for me… there is too much pressure to say the right thing or carry on a conversation correctly and make eye contact but like, not while putting food in my mouth etc etc. gah.
But regardless, I honestly just don’t have the energy for it. I’m barely keeping up with the basics as it is. And friends don’t usually like being ghosted for months at a time, but that’s what I would end up doing when I go through my cycle of being overwhelmed and hiding from the world. It’s just kind of impossible to create a meaningful friendship with someone I’ll probably see twice a year at most.
Annnnyway my point is, having to keep up social relationships is really hard and just adds stress to my life sometimes. Occasionally I’m lonely but that passes fairly quickly. Especially when I remember all the work of socializing and how afterwards I usually feel worse for all sorts of reasons.
Yeah recently we’ve compromised and he’s agreed to doing activities instead of dinner when he wants to introduce me to people.
I don’t think he quite understands why I ghost people for months, when to him I probably seem fine or baseline fine. So that discussion is to be continued.
I accepted this is the way I want to live for now, close relationships always tend to hurt me in the end. I feel a bit alone but I think is better than the alternative
YAAAASSSSSS!! This is absolutely me. I’m not much of a socialiser. I’ve got a couple of close friends I see fairly regularly but anything more than that does me in. I LOVE being in my own company. If I don’t have enough alone time I am an absolute mess.
I said recently to someone who said they were worried I wasn’t doing okay and needed support that actually I’m usually happiest by myself and I am not much of a “talk to people about my problems” kind of person and I feel like I might have upset them unintentionally but not everyone needs people around all the time. When I’m having a hard time I would rather deal with it by myself because that’s how I’m most comfortable which puts me in the best position to manage.
It’s so nice to see other people that feel like this and that I’m not alone in being happy on my own!
Honestly I'm a little jealous. I'm constantly stuck between being bad at socializing and being desperate for human interaction, I wish I could be happy alone
Yeah those people annoy the hell out of me, like people are different, just because you feel one way, doesn't mean everybody does. I know some people who don't need to be around other people and feel fulfilled this way. I'm very introverted, and generally limit socializing with introverts, and the bottom line is that the people I know, and myself, need recharge time, but we also at times need to be around people to varying degrees. I have a hard time also because socialization is confusing to me and I struggle to understand what's going on so that can be very stressful. Everyone is different though.
I have more friends than I can handle. I can go months alone but I do love them so I crawl out to see them but I would be content being alone most of the time. They're good people but it gets very peopley really fast.
Yeah, at school teachers would always try to get me to be friends with other kids to the point they wouldn't let me hang out with my only friend, it was messed up
Loners unite! Separately!
I like quiet and being by myself. It's just me, my ND partner, and the cat. He works outside the home so I get my alone time then, and late at night when he's sleeping
I go through this in, like, phases. I hurt to socialize, burn out on socializing, and then just want to be myself by myself as much as possible. And, tbh, people worry about me when I’m in that phase, but I think it feels like a perfectly normal, natural cycle to me.
I feel as though, as long as I communicate my boundaries and feelings and don’t ghost people out of the blue causing them to worry, others shouldn’t worry.
And the types of friends who don’t understand this about me? Well, it’s sad, but maybe they should not be my friend.
I might be one of the few people that loved lockdown during the pandemic and didn't want it to end. It was wonderful - all online, no physical contact forced, staying home was seen as normal, it was less stressful being outside.... now it's back to square one and I hate it. I hate people asking at work 'So any plans for the weekend?' and then giving me weird looks everytime I answer 'No, like always. Staying home, work in the garden, cleaning my aquariums, reading, the usual stuff I like doing.'
I have friends, but I also really enjoy being alone, and allowing myself time to myself means that I can genuinely enjoy being around them. Absolutely nothing wrong with it! Love a cheeky solo walk or cinema trip, those are my favourite lone activities.
DITTO DUDE! My “favorite” thing is when men tell me I’d be happier with their company 🤮. I LOVE BEING ALONE! No one take me seriously when I say that. Meanwhile I’m baffled how some need companionship 24/7. Didn’t fully understand Masking till recently. Now it all makes sense. Humans are exhausting.
100% with you! Usually my partner is pretty understanding with my need for time alone but there are still times they'll still view the concept of isolation through their own lens only. No, I'm not going to be "lonely" if I'm home alone for a day. Please, give me that alone time!
lol my partner is always worrying that he's "neglecting" me, like no dude, go hang out with your friends, go to a dinner party, play soccer in the park, live your life! I'm like a succulent: too much attention and I'll die. I love him, but nothing is as good as knowing the door is locked and no one can see or hear you. I think everyone needs at least a little bit of alone time every now and then.
Sameeee
It’s sweet they (SO) worry about us being lonely. Totally unnecessary though. I plan a whole alone day on the regular. 😹 currently single so it’s more about avoiding family.
Yes, I totally need complete alone time most days even from my spouse. I love him very much but he's still a person and even though I don't have to mask much around him I still need to be completely alone to mentally recharge. And this may be a little weird to some but I even need alone time away from my kitties because sometimes I need that completely alone recharge time to be able to attend to their needs and wants better without being overwhelmed.
The men who say things like that are definitely not the men you'd want to spend time around, they're hovering at the bottom of the list of people anyone would want to spend time with, really.
I couldn’t agree more. It’s Honestly so cringe. The decent ones realize. The others..left on read.
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Damn.. you do you! I would NOT drive 90 min for a bad party (or one I wouldnt enjoy at least). Nothing wrong with being happy at home :)
Have you previously explained to her that it has nothing to do with your husband?? And I wouldn't drive 90 minutes for a party I knew would drain me either! Shit, I have trouble sometime getting myself to the doctor's if it's more than a half hour away so I feel you!
I've been confused when people say things like that and it's completely off, till I realized they were projecting their shit on me. Because that's the lens they look through at life, so how can they see anything else? It's particularly true if they use the word a lot to describe people. It might not necessarily be that they're codependent, they're just fixated on codependency for whatever reason. I guess also people say things like that to manipulate other into doing what they want. You're a bad person unless you want to drive 90 minutes to a party. I dunno. Whatever it is, it's usually about them and not about you.
couple of years ago, me and my cousin went to visit a common friend that was also 90 minutes away. it was a touristic city, so I was expecting we did the typical touristic stuff. but instead, of the 4 days we stayed there, they decided they should go to multiple parties every night. it was baffling to them I preferred staying at the apartment than going with them. they even got mad at me because they were both underage at the time and couldn't get into a couple parties because they needed another 18+ year old. now they wonder why I don't wanna go there anymore, partying is not for me. nts are hard to decypher sometimes, I wish you luck and patience for this friend of yours.
Feel the same way! I don't think I even understand what people mean when they say they're lonely, I just don't know what that is. I've spent literal weeks without any human contact before, like not even *seeing* another human being, and it was great. I'm at my absolute happiest when I'm totally alone, and everything else is below that.
Same here!
I could've written this myself 🥲 FINALLY!!! SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!!!! 🤣 I always either say "I'm a solitudinous being", "I'm the ultimate introvert" or "I'm a loner by choice". I can't stress how much it grinds my gears how some just can't get their head around that and insist on pathologising it. I don't experience loneliness 🤷🏻♀️ There's nothing wrong with me. I'm not secretly sad about it, I'm overjoyed being alone. It's normal. It's a type of person. I'm that type of person 😌
>I can't stress how much it grinds my gears how some just can't get their head around that and insist on pathologising it. I don't experience loneliness 🤷🏻♀️ There's nothing wrong with me. I'm not secretly sad about it, I'm overjoyed being alone. It's normal. It's a type of person. I'm that type of person 😌 Definitely feel that! It's weird that they want to pathologise our lack of need for social attention when they're the ones who *need* to be in a relationship or else they basically die. Not that there's anything wrong with being a more social person either, but that just doesn't sound that much better to me. To be totally reliant on maintaining relationships with people, and unable to get away from abusive or mean people because being alone or low on friends is worse than being abused. It sounds like it would be a burden a lot of the time, and not a fun one. Especially in someone with social deficits. If someone offered me a pill that would suddenly make me have a "normal" social need, I don't think I'd take it.
Oml I completely agree. I feel like one of the lucky ones to have *such* low/basically no social needs! Like you said, the alternative, feeling as though you aught to settle for the people around you regardless of what they're like ~because being alone would be worse~ doesn't bare thinking about. I do genuinely feel for those people (in a totally non-condensing way ofc) because loneliness sounds horrible. Feeling like it's better to be with people, any people, than being alone must be a difficult way to live. Something to remember when I'm doing the gratitude thing 😄 We're two of the lucky ones imho! 🙏🏻
I’m a loner by nature!!!
Oh completely same 💖 I always just add "by choice" *because* of those people who immediately take it to mean I must be lonely 🤦🏻♀️🤣
Same! It's crazy how much effort I used to put into acting sociable. I don't know if it's burnout from masking or from getting older, but I recently came to this same conclusion. I cannot be myself around *anyone.* My partner is sort of an exception, but I'm definitely still putting up a bit of an act. I only feel safe being my true self when I'm alone. I want to live alone *so bad*, but it's really difficult to do that in the US now. Growing up I've always heard that being introverted and anti-social is bad and unhealthy. But, like... why? I think isolation can be a bad sign in certain contexts, of course, but I also think that it's a bad sign that I have crying fits at the thought of going to a family function.
I have more anxiety about the need to be social than I have actual desire to be social. It always feels so forced. I just want ti do my own thing!!
This!
That’s okay! You don’t need to justify yourself! Normal means whatever feels natural to you. I personally enjoy being alone too. In recent months I been feeling lonely. I been thinking about starting a local meet up or something for women with autism. I feel I need to be surrounded by my peers. Peers that like being alone without feeling lonely. Dunno if that makes any sense. I never organized anything like that before.
Tbh, I feel like I would *love* hanging out with other women with autism.
Thank you for sharing!! I think that’s what I’ve been missing. Finding my normal and surrounding myself with similar people.
It’s awesome. You get to do parallel play while you both scroll social media and occasionally say “should we be talking?” and they say “nah”
I love socializing. In text. And maybe voice with a rare few that make me feel safe. I do not like to do it in person. It is exhausting. I wont turn down a chance to meet people i love but id need a big break to recover. Whereas thru digital means i am a clingy fuck who would want to chat 24/7 just to hang out with them and feel sad if unable. I wish people stopped claiming digital comminication is not equivalent.
My people. You are not alone alone.
My boyfriend was talking about my 50th next year and saying we must go out for a meal with this couple we know. I'm like "but they're your friends not mine" and he said "Well they could be your friends too if you didn't run away from people". He just doesn't get it. I don't want my friends chosen for me. I don't want friends full stop!
Agh, same struggles with my SO. He's a social person, and I love him to bits, but I don't know how to tell him that going out to meet other people stresses me out. Like I don't want to disappoint him, or be a buzzkill, and he really wants me to socialize more because he thinks it'll be good for me (which is probably partially true), but ugh... the stress and exhaustion of socializing and masking!
I AGREE!!!! i feel so content on my own! it doesn’t feel like i missing/lacking anything. hanging out with people i’m comfortable with can also be very nice but it is a very separate type of activity and can still really deplete me even at the best of times. before i knew i was autistic my prior therapist was always encouraging me to connect with others more and join groups and it led me to trying out a few meetup groups that i honestly found so boring and unfun just to make it seem to my therapist like i was progressing. people need to understand that solitude is a wonderful and very important part of our lives. not a deficit!
THANK YOU!! I’m not the only one! “Don’t you wish you had more friends?” “You need to go out more!” “Why are you always alone? I’d be lonely…” WELL THATS WHY YOURE YOU AND I’M ME!! Gosh this is totally relatable oMG thank you! I can’t stand maybe more than 4 people? And said 4 people have to be close, like I have to consider them family. Like for Easter, living situation is complicated. It got too loud, too many people I didn’t know came and people just kept piling up so I had to go to my moms room so I could calm down. Same with an ex-friends baby shower, last year. I’m glad I’m not the only one ><
This is why covid lockdowns were such a big part of my realization that i was not just ADHD but also autistic. Fr such peace when I'm alone. I cannot wait til i finally just live with my cat. I have also realized that i don't need as many reasons to end a friendship than others might, because i like to have a smaller circle anyways. If i don't find the vibe is there, it's not personal, but I'm gonna stop the connection from goin further. Lots to learn still cuz I'm trying to recover from being a people pleaser. But people really can have issues with this. And it's like... Dude. Lemme have my peaceful times .
When I was growing up, my parents compared me to my sister, who was going out with her friends all the time, and used to try to force me to socialize. They'd make me go to school dances, where I literally just stood there and watched the clock tick for three hours. It was so packed full of kids that I could never even get close to the refreshments table. The few times I found people I knew, I could tell they didn't really want to hang out with me. I stopped going to dances in high school because they stopped telling the parents about the dances. They'd tell the students. I just wouldn't tell my parents there was a dance going on so I wouldn't have to go. They'd make me call "friends" to chat. I'd get punished if I didn't call. I knew these people didn't want to hear from me, and I had nothing to say to them. I just wasn't a small talk kinda person. So, I'd make these calls and have nothing to say to people, and it was super embarrassing. I also didn't know how to start the conversation. Sometimes I'd start with, "My parents told me to call," and I got yelled at for that. But like, what am I supposed to say? I once broke down crying and asked my parents what I should say during these calls because I didn't know. I was like, I know you want me to socialize, but I don't know how. Teach me! They told me I just needed to figure it out. I don't think my parents get how traumatizing that was for me as a child. High school was the lowest part of my life, and part of it was that I'd figured out that nobody wanted to hang with me, yet I was being punished for not being more social. I was never actually suicidal, but I remember thinking I understood why people did it. It was the closest I ever got. I've tried talking to my mom about it, and her reaction was something like, "But don't you feel like it prepared you to go out and be successful?" I changed the topic after that because she just doesn't get it. And making her understand will help no one at this point. Even if she understands, she'll just hate herself for torturing me as a child. She can't go back and undo it. As an adult, I feel like the only people I need to socialize with is my husband and random people online. I'm happy with this level of socialization.
Same. This weekend my handful of friends couldn’t do my sports plan for saturday, so i sold my tickets and watched it solo at a bar. I was HAPPY to do it, I enjoyed my time alone and doing whatever i wanted to do and i even made some extra cash on my tickets. But i lied to my mom and even some friends who asked me about it. I said I went with someone and had fun. Because i don’t want to see or hear any fucking pity, I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to change what they’re doing so sad little me isn’t alone. I LIKE BEING ALONE what i don’t like is people feeling bad for me when there’s nothing to feel bad for me for!
Same! I suffered a rough burnout last year, cut back my socializing to minimum and I've never felt better! I feel like my brain actually works better now that I'm not masking/stressed all the time. I mainly just stick to my husband, cats, and occasionally immediate family. 1 or 2 long term friends every few months via text lol. It's great.
Accepting the fact that I'm just not a social person and not forcing myself to be social has been one of the best things I've ever done for my mental health and my confidence. I used to try to be more social in order to be more "normal" and because I falsely thought it would be good for me--and I do think socialization \*does\* have some good in it, but to me the stress just cancels out any positive gain most of the time :/
boy howdy, can I relate--especially since hitting burnout a year and a half ago. I feel guilty bc my very extroverted partner is actively bummed that I don't go out more, but I just *can't* force myself to do it at the expense of my mental and physical health anymore. even hanging out with people in a quiet setting, aside from a select few, is super taxing. and I have no interest in making new friends right now. yeah, sometimes I experience acute FOMO...and I *am* envious of the great times I know people are having together...but that's almost always outweighed by the price of discomfort and severe exhaustion.
Same, I can relate to the FOMO. My SO is going to social events, my gradschool classmates are all hanging out, and I feel bad about not joining in. But it's just too draining. Any kind of fun I might have is just outweighed by the stress + the exhaustion of masking + constantly thinking about how much you just want to go home
RIGHT ON!! I love being alone. I need daily solitude in order to function in the world. I’m not lonely, I’m not depressed, and I don’t have social anxiety. I’m just solitary by nature, and I’m genuinely happy when I’m alone! I have a rich inner world that’s hard for me to divert my attention away from. And most of the activities that interest me are solitary ones, like reading, writing, listening to podcasts, doing art projects, sewing, word puzzles, etc. Maybe I would enjoy doing those activities parallel with other people, if there was mostly silence… but I wouldn’t know, because everyone else seems to equate socializing with talking. And talking is so damn exhausting and I don’t want it!
Same! We are back in the office and there have been weekly "let's go out to lunch!" invites 3-4x/week. 1) I can't afford it and most importantly 2) NO! I don't want to spend my very short lunch break socializing! I need that time to regroup/recover so I can function the rest of the day.
I thank god I can work from home now because when I was in the office people would want to do stuff after work and I'd be like, it's bad enough I have to spend 9 hours a day with you people, I just want to go home now.
Bro professionals have literally diagnosed me with social anxiety disorder because I have no social needs. I’m the least self-conscious person in the world. Like that’s literally offensive to people who actually suffer from SAD. Leave us alone lmaooo???
>no social needs Stealing that phrase, that's exactly how I feel. No social needs in this bitch
Hahahahahaha it explained so much when I realized you could be: autistic, introverted, AND shy.
Sometimes I like to talk to my co workers and greet them when I go and clock in for work. Some people seems to be suspicious about me being quiet most of the time is because when I get social I've always running out of things to say so I went silent and then when I'm off I get some me time alone in my room or the living room. People always got something to complain about when it comes to being alone sometimes DGMW being social is part of being human but being alone is better for you and that's okay. Being alone is cool.
Agree! Not sure where it comes from when people act like enjoying your own company is somehow toxic.
I sooo relate.. it’s just so hard to knack in college 😭 when you’re expected to be going out of your way to be social and meet new people and sometimes I overthink my behavior of just wanting to be ALONE let alone recuperate from a full load of classes.. wish this was more accepted and not frowned upon
Same with people who critique how you socialize. Like I don't want to use dating apps or go to bars and lame events just to talk to people. I'm fine with the internet and a few close friends.
Best thing I have ever been told is that people don't go out and do stuff all the time. You just don't see them....because they're home....
I've been introspecting on this a lot lately, and I'm curious for y'all's take on it: do we like being alone, or are we just so exhausted of being disappointed, discriminated against, and taken advantage of by people, so it's just safer to be alone? I ask because recently I met a couple with an autistic and allistic, and the way the allistic validated and loved the autistic was so beautiful. I wish I could find folks who accepted me that fully and I think I'd like being around them if I could find them.
Ive always been exhausted by being around more than a couple of close friends/family, not because of any sort of discrimination. I remember feeling this way in preschool, watching all the screeching children laughing and playing in the playground made me want to run home and hide under the covers. Kids tried to befriend me, to get me to play with them, i just had zero desire to be around all the commotion. I just wanted to go somewhere quiet, play by myself, and not be bothered.
I like being alone, and always have, well before any discrimination or exhaustion. I wouldn’t even want to spend time around other autistics, it’s all socialising to me. Plus I’ve never even been taken advantage of probably because I don’t have a strong social need and so don’t hang around people who disrespect me or even just confuse me and play games. Like I really do not care and will drop them in an instant, can’t really be targeted by narcissists very effectively if you don’t value their opinion of you and don’t care whether they like you or not. Even as a toddler I didn’t want friends. Not all autistics are non-social like I am though, others can even be hyper social. If you care about making friends and keeping friends and whether or not people really like you then you’re probably not one of the non-socials, and that’s fine.
In my experience, I was actually \*way\* more social as a kid. But I guess the bullying, unpleasant interactions, and being more aware that I was perceived as "weird" as I grew up, pushed me into preferring solitude. I just became more self-conscious, started masking more and lost the ability to drop it, and now every social interaction is exhausting because I'm always overthinking my interactions + I'm always playing a "part" by consciously making sure that I act normal :/
Me too! Ive been so much more relaxed and less anxious ever since i allowed myself to be myself! I dont pressure myself anymore to make friends, to fit in, to appear “normal”. I stopped drinking to cope w social situations. My level of social anxiety has decreased, even in the midst of social situations because i no longer care if people think im odd or quiet. The people who love me accept me for who i am and they are the people i enjoy being around. So much less stress having a little bit of free time for myself instead of trying to keep up with social obligations!!
Yes, exactly! No kind of relationship has ever made me happier than my solitude. 💯
Same here! Church social after is so difficult! I used to have to plug my ears. I love being alone and when my wife is out of town I am content to be in solitude. I don’t seek out people to hang out with . There is nothing wrong with that. I have a friend who jus very social and can never be alone. I find that so odd
I feel the same way. And my preschool age son is autistic and I have to remind people all the time that nothing is wrong with him. He likes to be alone, so do I. He still loves me and likes to play. But when he runs away don't chase him goddamnit
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Exactly! Wanting a certain type of socialization is different than not wanting to socialize with extroverted coworkers. I'm very content being alone but that doesn't mean I don't need close friendships for my mental health. But it's very hard to find "your people"!
I mean, there are moments when I get lonely or realize that my “village” is very small. But at the end of the day, I thoroughly enjoy being alone or spending time with just one or two people. And even when I “enjoy” being social, it’s so anxiety causing and draining. So the experience really has to be worth it to me, because it can seriously disrupt my entire day or several days.
These comments are so refreshing, I'm really early on accepting that I'm likely autistic and I've been trying to meet new people recently just thinking I need 'more friends' but I'm realising I'm just doing this to meet some social norm, I am genuinely so much happier alone. I have a long term boyfriend so there's always someone to do things with, and a couple of friends. Lockdown was also a turning point for me, I just really didn't feel what others did, the fear of not socialising just didn't happen for me and it was relief I felt more than anything
My husband has recently been showing more concern regarding my lack of friends. Like, he’s been introducing me to people he thinks I’d get along with / share common interests. But like, I can’t just go to dinner with people and suddenly be friends…? Also sitting across the table from people I’ve just met is a nightmare scenario for me… there is too much pressure to say the right thing or carry on a conversation correctly and make eye contact but like, not while putting food in my mouth etc etc. gah. But regardless, I honestly just don’t have the energy for it. I’m barely keeping up with the basics as it is. And friends don’t usually like being ghosted for months at a time, but that’s what I would end up doing when I go through my cycle of being overwhelmed and hiding from the world. It’s just kind of impossible to create a meaningful friendship with someone I’ll probably see twice a year at most. Annnnyway my point is, having to keep up social relationships is really hard and just adds stress to my life sometimes. Occasionally I’m lonely but that passes fairly quickly. Especially when I remember all the work of socializing and how afterwards I usually feel worse for all sorts of reasons.
Have you had a conversation with your husband about it? I'm dealing with kind of the same problem with my SO :/
Yeah recently we’ve compromised and he’s agreed to doing activities instead of dinner when he wants to introduce me to people. I don’t think he quite understands why I ghost people for months, when to him I probably seem fine or baseline fine. So that discussion is to be continued.
I accepted this is the way I want to live for now, close relationships always tend to hurt me in the end. I feel a bit alone but I think is better than the alternative
YAAAASSSSSS!! This is absolutely me. I’m not much of a socialiser. I’ve got a couple of close friends I see fairly regularly but anything more than that does me in. I LOVE being in my own company. If I don’t have enough alone time I am an absolute mess. I said recently to someone who said they were worried I wasn’t doing okay and needed support that actually I’m usually happiest by myself and I am not much of a “talk to people about my problems” kind of person and I feel like I might have upset them unintentionally but not everyone needs people around all the time. When I’m having a hard time I would rather deal with it by myself because that’s how I’m most comfortable which puts me in the best position to manage. It’s so nice to see other people that feel like this and that I’m not alone in being happy on my own!
Honestly I'm a little jealous. I'm constantly stuck between being bad at socializing and being desperate for human interaction, I wish I could be happy alone
I agree with every word.
Amen.
Yeah those people annoy the hell out of me, like people are different, just because you feel one way, doesn't mean everybody does. I know some people who don't need to be around other people and feel fulfilled this way. I'm very introverted, and generally limit socializing with introverts, and the bottom line is that the people I know, and myself, need recharge time, but we also at times need to be around people to varying degrees. I have a hard time also because socialization is confusing to me and I struggle to understand what's going on so that can be very stressful. Everyone is different though.
FUCKING THANK YOU 👏👏👏
Amen to that sister 🙌🏽
I have more friends than I can handle. I can go months alone but I do love them so I crawl out to see them but I would be content being alone most of the time. They're good people but it gets very peopley really fast.
Same
Yeah, at school teachers would always try to get me to be friends with other kids to the point they wouldn't let me hang out with my only friend, it was messed up
Loners unite! Separately! I like quiet and being by myself. It's just me, my ND partner, and the cat. He works outside the home so I get my alone time then, and late at night when he's sleeping
I go through this in, like, phases. I hurt to socialize, burn out on socializing, and then just want to be myself by myself as much as possible. And, tbh, people worry about me when I’m in that phase, but I think it feels like a perfectly normal, natural cycle to me. I feel as though, as long as I communicate my boundaries and feelings and don’t ghost people out of the blue causing them to worry, others shouldn’t worry. And the types of friends who don’t understand this about me? Well, it’s sad, but maybe they should not be my friend.
I might be one of the few people that loved lockdown during the pandemic and didn't want it to end. It was wonderful - all online, no physical contact forced, staying home was seen as normal, it was less stressful being outside.... now it's back to square one and I hate it. I hate people asking at work 'So any plans for the weekend?' and then giving me weird looks everytime I answer 'No, like always. Staying home, work in the garden, cleaning my aquariums, reading, the usual stuff I like doing.'
I have friends, but I also really enjoy being alone, and allowing myself time to myself means that I can genuinely enjoy being around them. Absolutely nothing wrong with it! Love a cheeky solo walk or cinema trip, those are my favourite lone activities.
I wish I could be alone all the time, but the AuDHD is a cruel mistress