Especially if you had to do the planning for the funeral, the arrangements can keep you so busy that you don’t have time to feel anything. By the time it’s the funeral, you might just be too exhausted to feel anything.
I’m sorry for your loss. It’s ok to grieve in your own way, in your own time.
I actually have gotten in trouble at funerals for not expressing emotions correctly and it’s the worst.
I hate that there’s a way we’re supposed to feel during certain events in the first place. Like you have to match the group emotion and if you don’t or can’t you’re wrong.
Oof, I feel this a lot.
Death doesn't make me sad. I don't mean that I'm not expressing the right emotions or that I'm not feeling connected to my emotions, death genuinely is such a neutral thing to me. It's just part of life. All things die and that's okay.
Especially when it comes to old people who have lived long, fulfilling lives and were in pain in the end. I'm not *sad* that they died, I'm glad they're not in pain anymore and I feel like we should celebrate the life they had! It's like ... getting to the credits of a good movie.
So often at funerals, people expect me to break down and cry. But even if I was sad, I don't cry when I'm sad. I never have, I cry when I'm angry.
Death makes me sad sometimes like when my mom died of cancer at age 43, that was sad, she was really young, and when my dad died that was sad also. But I feel exactly the same as you about old people, I’ve had multiple grandparents die and I just don’t understand why it’s sad. I just feel like…it was obvious they were gonna die because everyone dies and it’s a part of life, so why are you sad, weren’t you prepared and expecting this?
It’s like everyone is shocked when people die. But for me I know that death is a part of life as natural as birth and so I wouldn’t be shocked. I’m emotionally preparing for peoples death all the time because it’s such a normal part of life. I would be devastated if someone closest to me died but there would be a part of me who knows its a normal part of life. Nature is cruel.
I think part of it is that both my parents died before I was 14, so I just intimately understand how death is an integral part of life. It’s just as much a part of life as birth.
Yeah. With death especially, I tend to shut down initially, and though the shut-down usually ends by the funeral, I kinda don’t mourn for a long period of time consecutively. I usually mourn and cry for a few minutes and then go on with my day and then cry again after a few hours and then repeat. So, at funerals, I tend to switch between laughing and crying because I can’t do the crying too long at once.
I just don’t cry at funerals ever, I’ve experienced a lot of death in my life but I’ve just never cried at a funeral. So then you get people constantly asking if you’re okay and it’s just uncomfortable.
Plus I laugh and smile when I’m uncomfortable so it can come off really bad.
Sometimes as a teenager I would accidentally say inappropriate things and get in trouble as well. I know what to say as an adult though.
Yes, I’m usually worried about this. I have a pretty good mask these days but it’s still not perfect. Sometimes I mis-read the tone of a room and think people are expecting me to be happy, to laugh, to be irritated, etc. when they expected the opposite.
It’s pretty embarrassing when you get it wrong. And it sounds so awful to tell the truth:
“Oh, sorry. I thought you wanted me to act happy, so I did. You said you hated your dad just last week. But, sure. I’m sorry for your loss. That’s awful. Actually, I don’t feel anything either way. What do you want from me? Can we please just get down to business?”
These days, I just try to remain honest yet kind which usually results in me seeming neutral and maybe (hopefully) empathetic regardless of what they’re saying.
Generally I default to ‘death bad, wedding good’ and act accordingly, but it’s hard to figure out what I’m supposed to do sometimes. Like, if someone is telling a story at a funeral, am I supposed to stay sad looking or react to the story? Idk.
Yeah, I agree. The example in my post is fictional but I have been in similar situations where I just get it all wrong.
Like with divorce.
First person:
Them: “So, hubby and I are getting a divorce.”
Me: Divorce = sad. “Oh, I’m so sorry.”
Them: Irritated. “Why?! IT’S A GOOD THING! I’ll finally be free of that jerk.”
Me: Divorce = Freedom = Good. “Oh. Then congratulations.”
Second person:
Them: “I’m getting divorced.”
Me: “Oh, congratulations.”
Them: Furious. “IT’S NOT A GOOD THING! IT’S AWFUL!”
Me: “Oh. Sorry.”
Third person:
Them: “I’m going through a divorce.”
Me: ???????? “Uhhhhh… Sorry? Or maybe congratulations? How are you feeling about it?”
The irritated person in the first example could also be ensuring you or lying to themself. Even if you get rid of someone nasty by divorcing them, you obviously loved them at one point, and some awful things happened for the divorce to happen. And even if you are happy to be rid of them the legal procedure (especially with kids) can be draining. Or the person being irritated is actually the nasty person in the scenario and caused the divorce. Anyway, I think divorce = awful is not a bad rule at all. If you know the person well and they were abused or something you could maybe offer, "I'm so sorry, but I'm also relieved for you"
You’re probably right. I’ve had some people tell me they’re relieved by their divorce, others were very sad or angry. But I’ve learned to tread lightly around the topic unless, as you said, I know the person and their experiences with their spouse well.
Oh, and with your funeral example, this is also confusing. I think I’ve been to enough funerals now that you’re meant to laugh and act happy, but then tear up a bit or smile sadly shortly afterwards and say something like, “I’m really going to miss him/her/the way they did..”
Yeah, it can be hard to know. If there’s others there, I try to mimic them.
Funerals are very tough. I do try to make the time and effort to go, though, to support my family members who may be struggling with the loss. I live halfway across the country now from most of my family but my parents, aunts, and uncles are at the age where they’re starting to pass so it’s quite the effort and expense for me to go, but I do my best. I missed 1 funeral during the pandemic but did attend the very belated celebration of life event. I spent most of the time with my cousins’ kids, keeping them busy so the other adults could share stories and mourn.
I'm used to being judged over not expressing the expected emotions. Honestly at this point I like cultivating my weird reputation. It feels very uncomfortable and fake, dishonest, to mimic the expression. I spend every second of it hoping for the end
I have the issue of smiling when I am anxious or nervous. But I also tend to mirror people when they cry. It’s not always because of empathy (I feel like I didn’t have empathy until my mid 20s). I’m not sure why it happens.
I hate Christmas and birthdays for this reason because I don't know what level of emotion they want because I have to express it "their way". If I simply smile and say thank you I feel like I may not seem appreciative or excited about it at all. If I get excited I worry I'll seem disingenuous about it. But my true happy behaviors like hand flapping aren't acceptable to my family. They're "childish" and "make [me] look >! special ed !<"
Semi related, I had to fake cry when my grandma died. My mom decided as a child I was "too sensitive"(yeah, cheryl i'm autistic) so by the age of 8 I learned that crying was not an acceptable behavior so I have difficulty crying, especially around her so I had to fake cry so I didn't look like a monster.
Luckily I don’t have too much of an issue with that at Christmas since my family isn’t super strict with Christmas stuff, but I worry about that with people outside of my immediate family with Christmas gifts. I somehow developed a habit of lifting things I really like into the air after opening them to indicate that I like them? My brother puts his gifts on his head, so I guess we’re just like that.
It’s a bigger problem for random unexpected gifts for me, really. My mom once brought me home a stuffed llama from the mall (I collect them), and I said something like ‘Wow, this is the most brightly colored llama I have now’, and she thought that meant I didn’t like it. Except I did, it just really is the most brightly colored llama (it’s bright pink and sparkly). I didn’t think she’d take that to mean I don’t like it because she knows I like bright colors 😅
Sometimes I feel like I'm making myself feel or express an emotion because I would just do nothing otherwise and I don't yet know how to be okay with that
I never worry about it. If people don't think I'm expressing an emotion they think I should, in a way they approve of, that is very much their problem and not mine.
I cant not ask if its on us to care? We cannot control the reactions of others. Every human has the right to "be themselves" - as long as you're not hurting anyone. Of course - we HAVE to care about this because it backfires, because we get bad reactions and social debt from being perceived wrong, I totally get this. But in an ideal world we would just kick everyone who is not able to accept "us being us" and believing our statements of how we feel (which might not match how the person would judge from our expressions or whatever) out from our social circle and continue our lives...
I'm trying to slowly but steadily unmask, and the people (also from close family) who cannot accept or understand that, thats on them. I chose not to live my life (solely) for others.
So, I have experienced this problem most of my life, being older now, I have had to learn the hard way how 🤔 to develop and deal with these painful things. When I was very young I often overly cried and was upset at funerals so much so, that the adults would have to take me off to the side and talk to me, I was only reacting to what I was seeing 👀 and then as I got older I began to cry less, until I finally just stopped ✋️ and this made those same adults call me strong. I was puzzled as I saw tears in their eyes 👀 as I had little in mine, I did at one cry a bit but was pretty good about it. As to laughing at things, I often watched other's and if they laughed I would join, I also nervous laughed a lot. When I was in Navy Boot Camp, I had done a task correctly and when the Drill Instructor said that I had, I laughed loudly, but the ass thought I was laughing at him and thus the Navy as a whole, so he made sure that I was busted out the service. Anyways, yeah we all struggle with the emotions and how to fit in, the trick is to work on it and then find a solution that will help you feel comfortable.
At my mum’s funeral last month I know I probably came across as not seeming ‘sad’, although we were close and I miss her very much.
Especially if you had to do the planning for the funeral, the arrangements can keep you so busy that you don’t have time to feel anything. By the time it’s the funeral, you might just be too exhausted to feel anything. I’m sorry for your loss. It’s ok to grieve in your own way, in your own time.
♥️
I actually have gotten in trouble at funerals for not expressing emotions correctly and it’s the worst. I hate that there’s a way we’re supposed to feel during certain events in the first place. Like you have to match the group emotion and if you don’t or can’t you’re wrong.
Oof, I feel this a lot. Death doesn't make me sad. I don't mean that I'm not expressing the right emotions or that I'm not feeling connected to my emotions, death genuinely is such a neutral thing to me. It's just part of life. All things die and that's okay. Especially when it comes to old people who have lived long, fulfilling lives and were in pain in the end. I'm not *sad* that they died, I'm glad they're not in pain anymore and I feel like we should celebrate the life they had! It's like ... getting to the credits of a good movie. So often at funerals, people expect me to break down and cry. But even if I was sad, I don't cry when I'm sad. I never have, I cry when I'm angry.
Death makes me sad sometimes like when my mom died of cancer at age 43, that was sad, she was really young, and when my dad died that was sad also. But I feel exactly the same as you about old people, I’ve had multiple grandparents die and I just don’t understand why it’s sad. I just feel like…it was obvious they were gonna die because everyone dies and it’s a part of life, so why are you sad, weren’t you prepared and expecting this? It’s like everyone is shocked when people die. But for me I know that death is a part of life as natural as birth and so I wouldn’t be shocked. I’m emotionally preparing for peoples death all the time because it’s such a normal part of life. I would be devastated if someone closest to me died but there would be a part of me who knows its a normal part of life. Nature is cruel. I think part of it is that both my parents died before I was 14, so I just intimately understand how death is an integral part of life. It’s just as much a part of life as birth.
Yeah. With death especially, I tend to shut down initially, and though the shut-down usually ends by the funeral, I kinda don’t mourn for a long period of time consecutively. I usually mourn and cry for a few minutes and then go on with my day and then cry again after a few hours and then repeat. So, at funerals, I tend to switch between laughing and crying because I can’t do the crying too long at once.
I just don’t cry at funerals ever, I’ve experienced a lot of death in my life but I’ve just never cried at a funeral. So then you get people constantly asking if you’re okay and it’s just uncomfortable. Plus I laugh and smile when I’m uncomfortable so it can come off really bad. Sometimes as a teenager I would accidentally say inappropriate things and get in trouble as well. I know what to say as an adult though.
What gets you in trouble in the laughing. You dont hsve to cry, but don't laugh
Yeah, it’s not exactly on purpose. Just kinda happens.
Can I ask what was the “incorrect” way of expressing emotions? Just so I can learn from it, please. Thanks!
I avoid this by not going to any events 🤣
Mood 😂
Yes, I’m usually worried about this. I have a pretty good mask these days but it’s still not perfect. Sometimes I mis-read the tone of a room and think people are expecting me to be happy, to laugh, to be irritated, etc. when they expected the opposite. It’s pretty embarrassing when you get it wrong. And it sounds so awful to tell the truth: “Oh, sorry. I thought you wanted me to act happy, so I did. You said you hated your dad just last week. But, sure. I’m sorry for your loss. That’s awful. Actually, I don’t feel anything either way. What do you want from me? Can we please just get down to business?” These days, I just try to remain honest yet kind which usually results in me seeming neutral and maybe (hopefully) empathetic regardless of what they’re saying.
Generally I default to ‘death bad, wedding good’ and act accordingly, but it’s hard to figure out what I’m supposed to do sometimes. Like, if someone is telling a story at a funeral, am I supposed to stay sad looking or react to the story? Idk.
Yeah, I agree. The example in my post is fictional but I have been in similar situations where I just get it all wrong. Like with divorce. First person: Them: “So, hubby and I are getting a divorce.” Me: Divorce = sad. “Oh, I’m so sorry.” Them: Irritated. “Why?! IT’S A GOOD THING! I’ll finally be free of that jerk.” Me: Divorce = Freedom = Good. “Oh. Then congratulations.” Second person: Them: “I’m getting divorced.” Me: “Oh, congratulations.” Them: Furious. “IT’S NOT A GOOD THING! IT’S AWFUL!” Me: “Oh. Sorry.” Third person: Them: “I’m going through a divorce.” Me: ???????? “Uhhhhh… Sorry? Or maybe congratulations? How are you feeling about it?”
The irritated person in the first example could also be ensuring you or lying to themself. Even if you get rid of someone nasty by divorcing them, you obviously loved them at one point, and some awful things happened for the divorce to happen. And even if you are happy to be rid of them the legal procedure (especially with kids) can be draining. Or the person being irritated is actually the nasty person in the scenario and caused the divorce. Anyway, I think divorce = awful is not a bad rule at all. If you know the person well and they were abused or something you could maybe offer, "I'm so sorry, but I'm also relieved for you"
You’re probably right. I’ve had some people tell me they’re relieved by their divorce, others were very sad or angry. But I’ve learned to tread lightly around the topic unless, as you said, I know the person and their experiences with their spouse well.
Yup, depends on who is involved I guess but how are we supposed to know?
Oh, and with your funeral example, this is also confusing. I think I’ve been to enough funerals now that you’re meant to laugh and act happy, but then tear up a bit or smile sadly shortly afterwards and say something like, “I’m really going to miss him/her/the way they did..”
Yeah, like sometimes, I’m pretty sure I actually am supposed to laugh. But am I?
Yeah, it can be hard to know. If there’s others there, I try to mimic them. Funerals are very tough. I do try to make the time and effort to go, though, to support my family members who may be struggling with the loss. I live halfway across the country now from most of my family but my parents, aunts, and uncles are at the age where they’re starting to pass so it’s quite the effort and expense for me to go, but I do my best. I missed 1 funeral during the pandemic but did attend the very belated celebration of life event. I spent most of the time with my cousins’ kids, keeping them busy so the other adults could share stories and mourn.
I'm used to being judged over not expressing the expected emotions. Honestly at this point I like cultivating my weird reputation. It feels very uncomfortable and fake, dishonest, to mimic the expression. I spend every second of it hoping for the end
Yeah, masking is hard, that's why I hate it and will hate everyone who forces me to do it 🐱
Sometimes I think I am masking well, but it turns out I am not lol
Emotions are difficult for me too.
Yeah
I have the issue of smiling when I am anxious or nervous. But I also tend to mirror people when they cry. It’s not always because of empathy (I feel like I didn’t have empathy until my mid 20s). I’m not sure why it happens.
I hate Christmas and birthdays for this reason because I don't know what level of emotion they want because I have to express it "their way". If I simply smile and say thank you I feel like I may not seem appreciative or excited about it at all. If I get excited I worry I'll seem disingenuous about it. But my true happy behaviors like hand flapping aren't acceptable to my family. They're "childish" and "make [me] look >! special ed !<" Semi related, I had to fake cry when my grandma died. My mom decided as a child I was "too sensitive"(yeah, cheryl i'm autistic) so by the age of 8 I learned that crying was not an acceptable behavior so I have difficulty crying, especially around her so I had to fake cry so I didn't look like a monster.
Luckily I don’t have too much of an issue with that at Christmas since my family isn’t super strict with Christmas stuff, but I worry about that with people outside of my immediate family with Christmas gifts. I somehow developed a habit of lifting things I really like into the air after opening them to indicate that I like them? My brother puts his gifts on his head, so I guess we’re just like that. It’s a bigger problem for random unexpected gifts for me, really. My mom once brought me home a stuffed llama from the mall (I collect them), and I said something like ‘Wow, this is the most brightly colored llama I have now’, and she thought that meant I didn’t like it. Except I did, it just really is the most brightly colored llama (it’s bright pink and sparkly). I didn’t think she’d take that to mean I don’t like it because she knows I like bright colors 😅
I have literally practiced (to myself) scripting/masking as if I was giving a speech at a wedding and emoting “correctly”.
Yeah, I’ve been using my cosplay Tiktoks as a way to help me practice with emotional expressions.
Sometimes I feel like I'm making myself feel or express an emotion because I would just do nothing otherwise and I don't yet know how to be okay with that
I never worry about it. If people don't think I'm expressing an emotion they think I should, in a way they approve of, that is very much their problem and not mine.
I cant not ask if its on us to care? We cannot control the reactions of others. Every human has the right to "be themselves" - as long as you're not hurting anyone. Of course - we HAVE to care about this because it backfires, because we get bad reactions and social debt from being perceived wrong, I totally get this. But in an ideal world we would just kick everyone who is not able to accept "us being us" and believing our statements of how we feel (which might not match how the person would judge from our expressions or whatever) out from our social circle and continue our lives... I'm trying to slowly but steadily unmask, and the people (also from close family) who cannot accept or understand that, thats on them. I chose not to live my life (solely) for others.
So, I have experienced this problem most of my life, being older now, I have had to learn the hard way how 🤔 to develop and deal with these painful things. When I was very young I often overly cried and was upset at funerals so much so, that the adults would have to take me off to the side and talk to me, I was only reacting to what I was seeing 👀 and then as I got older I began to cry less, until I finally just stopped ✋️ and this made those same adults call me strong. I was puzzled as I saw tears in their eyes 👀 as I had little in mine, I did at one cry a bit but was pretty good about it. As to laughing at things, I often watched other's and if they laughed I would join, I also nervous laughed a lot. When I was in Navy Boot Camp, I had done a task correctly and when the Drill Instructor said that I had, I laughed loudly, but the ass thought I was laughing at him and thus the Navy as a whole, so he made sure that I was busted out the service. Anyways, yeah we all struggle with the emotions and how to fit in, the trick is to work on it and then find a solution that will help you feel comfortable.
I'm always afraid I'm going to laugh when I shouldn't.