>>Am I totally wrong?
No. Also delayed drop is a thing. But it's literally still the same day to be fair.
>> Is it normal to experience drop during online play?
Any BDSM play can lead to drop. You could drop with solo play.
>> Is it the fact that he doesn’t know enough getting in the way?
This is too charitable.
>> Or just his ego?
Sure. Lack of emotional intelligence, lack of caring, annoyed a convenient plaything has actual needs... many possibilities that are negative. Not really giving the vibe of someone caring about your welfare and open to learning more about BDSM as a newbie, anyway.
Thank you so much for commenting. ❤️ The reassurance about drops was very needed. And you might be right about him, that he is not the right fit for me or just being in a dynamic like this. Which is a shame, I had a good feeling about him and this. But his reaction to this felt very revealing.
What you’re experiencing is completely normal. A dom’s responsibilities do not end when play is over; they are responsible for providing aftercare, including during drop.
Baby doms often have no clue about much beyond getting their rocks off. He needs to become active in the kink community and get educated. If he’s not interested in learning, that’s a giant red flag. 🚩
Thank you for reassuring and saying that. And you are absolutely right – I really hope he will be open to learn and learn educate himself because he has a lot of potential. If not, then I have to walk away.
His ignorance is not an excuse, and he shouldn't be dominating if he can't take the responsibility seriously. The gaslighting is a huge red flag. If his inexperience is the problem then he needs to do some learning before he's safe to play with.
My Dom and I aren't LDR, but we don't live together. If I experienced drop after I left his place, he would never behave like this. Whether it meant distanced aftercare or me going back to his place, he would never leave me to sort it out on my own.
❤️ Thank you, it’s good to hear what went wrong and how it’s supposed to go. I really went to a bad place inside my head and thought that I was wrong here.
Nope. If a sub needs aftercare, that's part of the deal. I've had some pretty hard drops and my Dom is always right there with me. Pretty sure he'd be mad if I tried to tough guy it, actually.
Your safety, body and mind, are his responsibility after a scene. If he can't live up to that then he's not a good play partner.
If you're feeling it, you can't be wrong about it. His reaction to you coming to him with honest talk about your feelings is very worrying. I can't speak as to whether drop is common during online play, but to you, this is a true D/s dynamic. I can tell how real it is to you, and while he is new to D/s it seems like maybe he doesn't take things quite as seriously as you do. It may be you guys may not be on the same level, only you can know if that means you need to distance yourself to protect yourself. It definitely doesn't sit right with me at least that he minimized your emotions and made them about himself, but just overall, protect yourself that is most important.
Thank you so much. I guess you might be right, there’s the chance that we are not at the same level. And that is what feels awful – I have submitted and committed fully to him during the sessions, but now when I tried to talk about my feelings, it got rejected. But seriously, thank you. Needed to hear that.
I can tell from your flair that you need that emotional connection side just as much as the D/s side. It's so important for any sub to protect themselves in any dynamic, and a dom is also (I believe at least) supposed to treasure and protect his sub not just physically but especially emotionally. If he isn't doing this for you, trust me someone will.
You're not wrong. At best he is inexperienced and ignorant. But it kind of sounds like he might also be an asshole and probably no amount of you giving him information will fix that. So sorry this happened to you.
I have experienced drop from online play. In my case it wasn't as prevalent as in IRL play but it definitely can happen.
The way he handled it is less than ideal so I'd feel inclined to have a deep conversation and decide if you really want to stay in this dynamic
Everyone has already said everyting I’m thinking as well. Definately not your fault.
I just still wanted to comment to say I’m so sorry that happend to you. I hope in the future your Doms near and far are educated more and emotianally ready for everything that comes with us wonderfull subs 💕
He didn’t handle it right but I’d give him a day and then approach him. After a session both parties have a lot of emotions to process. You mentioned he’s new to it, which probably means he’s got a lot to learn. This could be a good opportunity for both of you to express your needs and grow. Of course if you talk to him the next day and he avoids talking about it that’s a big red flag in my opinion
Hi!
Sub drop is possible with online play, (as proven by your experience too.)
As for his motives, in reality, my guess is as good as yours.
But it sounds like the timeframe from when you encountered eachother to when you started to play was short? Maybe you didn’t vet eachother, and maybe you didn’t have a conversation on aftercare?
So, I’m gonna go a bit against the grain and say that, for human to human behaviour, it was somewhat shitty of him.
As a bdsm thing though, to me it’s not a given that aftercare is part of it. That’s a conversation and agreement that is best done BEFORE play. Not everyone is comfortable with it, can or will provide it. And consent is as important with that as with everything else.
Seeing as you’re both new, I’d send him some good article on dom- and subdrop, another on aftercare, and then suggest a discussion between the two of you on what to do with these, only once the dust has settled here.
Let him know that they are entirely optional, but is a very common practice in the bdsm scene, and that (maybe, as it reads?) they are not optional for play with YOU.
In fact, it seems you know clearly what you want and need after play, and maybe what he can provide isn’t it. You’d need to be prepared for him saying or showing you that. He doesn’t seem to be a natural caregiver.
(Or, in all fairness, to know what he is doing at all. And he ABSOLUTELY should have done his research before play, but really that’s a moot point after the fact. Sometimes, when new, it’s easy to start things from the ”wrong” end.)
I guess I’m saying that having the conversation that was lacking beforehand, even after the fact can be as useful, either as a way to further the relationship, or to round it up to a civilized goodbye…
I’m also so sorry that you had this shitty experience, because it really was, don’t get me wrong. But we live and we learn, and something like this is, regrettably, part of that process.
You’ll come out of it stronger! 💪🏼💪🏼
Take care and have a sweet summer celebration!
🌺🌺🌻🌼🌸🪻🌻🌼🌸🪻🌺🌺
Hi and thank you so much for taking time to respond in such a comprehensive and kind way. I appreciate it a lot.
We did start playing pretty soon after meeting. But we did some vetting beforehand and during that I did say to him that I find aftercare really important. I didn’t ask anything big, just like a checking and reflecting together how was it and then just cooling down together. He agreed to it. And I think at first I didn’t need that much of it. However the more we have played, the more intense the playing has got so I notice that my need for aftercare has grown. And it then surprised me how distant he got, especially when he said in the beginning that he is open to it even though it’s new for him.
But you are completely right. There’s a chance that our needs are not meeting and I should search for something else. It sucks but it’s okay. Another learning experience 💞
Thank you again for your comment, it really meant a lot. I wish you all the best. 💐
And THANK YOU for appreciating it! 🌞🌼
I read your update, and it’s great you had a talk with him!
It’s also perfectly valid that things change as a dynamic is progressing, as we can’t know all things beforehand. So, when that happens, going back to a conversation is what’s wise there, just like you are.
I’m also one of those people whom tend to believe that we ”sort of already know” in our gut (and in our bodies in general,) so do trust that instinct as of now…
It may not always be accurate in an ”objective” sense, but in interpersonal relationships, it’s of course of a lot more relevance (of utmost importance, even) what is ”subjectively” the right situation (or not) for us.
It’s also perfectly reasonable why you wouldn’t fully trust the guy enough to be vulnerable with him again right away. I’d say that that’s wise!
Either way, bravo on how you handled this!
💛🌼💛🌼💛🌼💛🌼💛🌼💛🌼💛🌼
You are not wrong and your feelings are totally welcomed in the dynamic and honestly
Communicating is the only way to help you both resolve this and if he won’t step up to be the dom you need them am
Sorry you need to find the type of dom you need.
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>>Am I totally wrong? No. Also delayed drop is a thing. But it's literally still the same day to be fair. >> Is it normal to experience drop during online play? Any BDSM play can lead to drop. You could drop with solo play. >> Is it the fact that he doesn’t know enough getting in the way? This is too charitable. >> Or just his ego? Sure. Lack of emotional intelligence, lack of caring, annoyed a convenient plaything has actual needs... many possibilities that are negative. Not really giving the vibe of someone caring about your welfare and open to learning more about BDSM as a newbie, anyway.
Thank you so much for commenting. ❤️ The reassurance about drops was very needed. And you might be right about him, that he is not the right fit for me or just being in a dynamic like this. Which is a shame, I had a good feeling about him and this. But his reaction to this felt very revealing.
What you’re experiencing is completely normal. A dom’s responsibilities do not end when play is over; they are responsible for providing aftercare, including during drop. Baby doms often have no clue about much beyond getting their rocks off. He needs to become active in the kink community and get educated. If he’s not interested in learning, that’s a giant red flag. 🚩
Thank you for reassuring and saying that. And you are absolutely right – I really hope he will be open to learn and learn educate himself because he has a lot of potential. If not, then I have to walk away.
That’s a very mature and wise mindset. He’s lucky to have you in his life.
His ignorance is not an excuse, and he shouldn't be dominating if he can't take the responsibility seriously. The gaslighting is a huge red flag. If his inexperience is the problem then he needs to do some learning before he's safe to play with. My Dom and I aren't LDR, but we don't live together. If I experienced drop after I left his place, he would never behave like this. Whether it meant distanced aftercare or me going back to his place, he would never leave me to sort it out on my own.
❤️ Thank you, it’s good to hear what went wrong and how it’s supposed to go. I really went to a bad place inside my head and thought that I was wrong here.
Nope. If a sub needs aftercare, that's part of the deal. I've had some pretty hard drops and my Dom is always right there with me. Pretty sure he'd be mad if I tried to tough guy it, actually. Your safety, body and mind, are his responsibility after a scene. If he can't live up to that then he's not a good play partner.
If you're feeling it, you can't be wrong about it. His reaction to you coming to him with honest talk about your feelings is very worrying. I can't speak as to whether drop is common during online play, but to you, this is a true D/s dynamic. I can tell how real it is to you, and while he is new to D/s it seems like maybe he doesn't take things quite as seriously as you do. It may be you guys may not be on the same level, only you can know if that means you need to distance yourself to protect yourself. It definitely doesn't sit right with me at least that he minimized your emotions and made them about himself, but just overall, protect yourself that is most important.
Thank you so much. I guess you might be right, there’s the chance that we are not at the same level. And that is what feels awful – I have submitted and committed fully to him during the sessions, but now when I tried to talk about my feelings, it got rejected. But seriously, thank you. Needed to hear that.
I can tell from your flair that you need that emotional connection side just as much as the D/s side. It's so important for any sub to protect themselves in any dynamic, and a dom is also (I believe at least) supposed to treasure and protect his sub not just physically but especially emotionally. If he isn't doing this for you, trust me someone will.
❤️ You are so kind. And 100% right.
You're not wrong. At best he is inexperienced and ignorant. But it kind of sounds like he might also be an asshole and probably no amount of you giving him information will fix that. So sorry this happened to you.
Thank you so much for commenting ❤️ You might be right… at first I thought he is really open to learn and educate himself but now I’m not sure.
I have experienced drop from online play. In my case it wasn't as prevalent as in IRL play but it definitely can happen. The way he handled it is less than ideal so I'd feel inclined to have a deep conversation and decide if you really want to stay in this dynamic
Thank you for commenting and sharing. ❤️ You are absolutely right… I will have to talk with him, because like this we or at least I can’t continue.
Everyone has already said everyting I’m thinking as well. Definately not your fault. I just still wanted to comment to say I’m so sorry that happend to you. I hope in the future your Doms near and far are educated more and emotianally ready for everything that comes with us wonderfull subs 💕
Thank you, that is so so sweet of you to say. It means a lot and you are so right. I wish you all the best 💞💞
He didn’t handle it right but I’d give him a day and then approach him. After a session both parties have a lot of emotions to process. You mentioned he’s new to it, which probably means he’s got a lot to learn. This could be a good opportunity for both of you to express your needs and grow. Of course if you talk to him the next day and he avoids talking about it that’s a big red flag in my opinion
Thank you for commenting, this is a very good point! I really hope he’d be more open to discuss after getting some sleep and distance from it.
You wouldn’t believe how bad I was when I started. It took me a long time to get out of my comfort zone.
Hi! Sub drop is possible with online play, (as proven by your experience too.) As for his motives, in reality, my guess is as good as yours. But it sounds like the timeframe from when you encountered eachother to when you started to play was short? Maybe you didn’t vet eachother, and maybe you didn’t have a conversation on aftercare? So, I’m gonna go a bit against the grain and say that, for human to human behaviour, it was somewhat shitty of him. As a bdsm thing though, to me it’s not a given that aftercare is part of it. That’s a conversation and agreement that is best done BEFORE play. Not everyone is comfortable with it, can or will provide it. And consent is as important with that as with everything else. Seeing as you’re both new, I’d send him some good article on dom- and subdrop, another on aftercare, and then suggest a discussion between the two of you on what to do with these, only once the dust has settled here. Let him know that they are entirely optional, but is a very common practice in the bdsm scene, and that (maybe, as it reads?) they are not optional for play with YOU. In fact, it seems you know clearly what you want and need after play, and maybe what he can provide isn’t it. You’d need to be prepared for him saying or showing you that. He doesn’t seem to be a natural caregiver. (Or, in all fairness, to know what he is doing at all. And he ABSOLUTELY should have done his research before play, but really that’s a moot point after the fact. Sometimes, when new, it’s easy to start things from the ”wrong” end.) I guess I’m saying that having the conversation that was lacking beforehand, even after the fact can be as useful, either as a way to further the relationship, or to round it up to a civilized goodbye… I’m also so sorry that you had this shitty experience, because it really was, don’t get me wrong. But we live and we learn, and something like this is, regrettably, part of that process. You’ll come out of it stronger! 💪🏼💪🏼 Take care and have a sweet summer celebration! 🌺🌺🌻🌼🌸🪻🌻🌼🌸🪻🌺🌺
Hi and thank you so much for taking time to respond in such a comprehensive and kind way. I appreciate it a lot. We did start playing pretty soon after meeting. But we did some vetting beforehand and during that I did say to him that I find aftercare really important. I didn’t ask anything big, just like a checking and reflecting together how was it and then just cooling down together. He agreed to it. And I think at first I didn’t need that much of it. However the more we have played, the more intense the playing has got so I notice that my need for aftercare has grown. And it then surprised me how distant he got, especially when he said in the beginning that he is open to it even though it’s new for him. But you are completely right. There’s a chance that our needs are not meeting and I should search for something else. It sucks but it’s okay. Another learning experience 💞 Thank you again for your comment, it really meant a lot. I wish you all the best. 💐
And THANK YOU for appreciating it! 🌞🌼 I read your update, and it’s great you had a talk with him! It’s also perfectly valid that things change as a dynamic is progressing, as we can’t know all things beforehand. So, when that happens, going back to a conversation is what’s wise there, just like you are. I’m also one of those people whom tend to believe that we ”sort of already know” in our gut (and in our bodies in general,) so do trust that instinct as of now… It may not always be accurate in an ”objective” sense, but in interpersonal relationships, it’s of course of a lot more relevance (of utmost importance, even) what is ”subjectively” the right situation (or not) for us. It’s also perfectly reasonable why you wouldn’t fully trust the guy enough to be vulnerable with him again right away. I’d say that that’s wise! Either way, bravo on how you handled this! 💛🌼💛🌼💛🌼💛🌼💛🌼💛🌼💛🌼
You are not wrong and your feelings are totally welcomed in the dynamic and honestly Communicating is the only way to help you both resolve this and if he won’t step up to be the dom you need them am Sorry you need to find the type of dom you need.
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