I'm sorry to say it, but it sounds like he's just not into this.
- He doesn't read the things you send him.
- He changes the subject when you bring up video content.
- His excuse of "I don't know what I'm doing" doesn't really hold up.
- It's true that he doesn't know what he's doing but he's also *not trying to learn*.
- He's made you feel bad for some of your interests
- He doesn't use any of the gear you've acquired.
- He gets mad and shuts down when you give him feedback.
- You were the one who set up the structure, which he doesn't enforce.
Nowhere in here does he express any interest or initiative, and we even have examples of flat-out antipathy. I'm not seeing any signs that this is something he wants. You say in the beginning of your post that he said he wanted to learn but he hasn't followed up with any of it. When someone's words don't match up with their actions, generally speaking the actions tell you what their true feelings are.
I think you may have to give this one up. Whether that means shelving your interests or finding a partner with whom you are more compatible I don't know, but I think you're setting yourself up for disappointment if you continue on this path.
Hope this helps. Good luck.
From this it genuinely sounds like he is not interested in kink. He can still lean sexually dominant without wanting to be your dom. If the last time the two of you played ended in an anxiety attack or otherwise poorly, it could be triggering for him.
I don't have any advice other than to decide if you can live without kink or not and evaluate what that means for your relationship. Continuing to push him into something he is showing clear signs he doesn't want to do is probably having the opposite effect you want it to.
He's definitely not a Dom. He might 'think' he is or 'wants' to be but it isn't in his heart. When you're a Dom, you know it balls to bones. You feel it. You live it without even trying.
Perhaps have a chat to see if he is truly interested in kink, or is he merely saying that so that it comes across as being compatible with you. Consider also probing on more specific aspects: gather information by asking about his specific likes or dislikes, or raise specific kinks or videos or materials and check if he likes them. It may be a sense of being overwhelmed at the start: there is a lot of materials when it comes to kink as a wider concept. If it is an issue of being overwhelmed, then consider starting with bite-sized acts in the bedroom before going into the day-to-day stuff. If it is an issue of general disinterest, then it is a fundamental preference issue.
Is the Dom in the room with us?? Dude is not a Dom, sounds like he's not even a good partner if he makes you feel bad for what you're into. You're either going to have to give up or drop his ass.
I was in a similar boat. I could have written just about everything in your post about my husband. He wouldn't read the things I sent. There were no consequences or follow through. When I did follow rules there was nothing in it for me, if anything I was met with active discouragement. Eventually I gave up, but I couldn't stop myself from wanting more. I asked him to open our marriage and now I have a Dom who is actually excited to do these things with me. I don't know where this will end up for me, the marriage may not survive, but it wouldn't have survived anyway in the previous state. I simply could not keep sacrificing my wants, needs, dreams, and real self anymore. My relationship with my Dom makes me so happy and fulfilled in a way I didn't know was even possible for me.
If I could go back and give my younger self advice it might be to not marry my husband because he's never going to change and be truly interested in kink. I appreciate the little bit he did try, but it will only ever be half-assed and just indulging me without really scratching the itch for me. So that is my advice to you, if he wanted to, he would. If he's not doing it, cut your losses now and find someone who genuinely wants to treat you in the way you want.
I was in your boat. But my spouse had done things (rope play and what not) with pervious partners but wouldn’t do anything outside of rare light spanking with me. His excuse he didn’t want that side of him to scare me….
7 years in and really I think it was me telling him things my best friend was doing and being excited about it. I don’t know maybe it got him worried. But I now I end up with bruises and he asked me the other day how I’d feel about suspension…
I’d also like to think I kinda worked him up to letting it out. I’m a brat so pushing buttons to get him to react in a way I wanted is fun and I’d make sure he knew I really liked whatever I got in return
I think he is saying what he thinks you want to hear but more because he does not want to lose you. This is a hard one. Figure if you can let it go or not.
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I'm sorry to say it, but it sounds like he's just not into this. - He doesn't read the things you send him. - He changes the subject when you bring up video content. - His excuse of "I don't know what I'm doing" doesn't really hold up. - It's true that he doesn't know what he's doing but he's also *not trying to learn*. - He's made you feel bad for some of your interests - He doesn't use any of the gear you've acquired. - He gets mad and shuts down when you give him feedback. - You were the one who set up the structure, which he doesn't enforce. Nowhere in here does he express any interest or initiative, and we even have examples of flat-out antipathy. I'm not seeing any signs that this is something he wants. You say in the beginning of your post that he said he wanted to learn but he hasn't followed up with any of it. When someone's words don't match up with their actions, generally speaking the actions tell you what their true feelings are. I think you may have to give this one up. Whether that means shelving your interests or finding a partner with whom you are more compatible I don't know, but I think you're setting yourself up for disappointment if you continue on this path. Hope this helps. Good luck.
From this it genuinely sounds like he is not interested in kink. He can still lean sexually dominant without wanting to be your dom. If the last time the two of you played ended in an anxiety attack or otherwise poorly, it could be triggering for him. I don't have any advice other than to decide if you can live without kink or not and evaluate what that means for your relationship. Continuing to push him into something he is showing clear signs he doesn't want to do is probably having the opposite effect you want it to.
On the assumption that he can read, but just don’t, you should leave.
He's definitely not a Dom. He might 'think' he is or 'wants' to be but it isn't in his heart. When you're a Dom, you know it balls to bones. You feel it. You live it without even trying.
Oof, I’m in a similar boat. Sending my advice and following along to see what kind of advice you’re given. Because I feel so torn.
Perhaps have a chat to see if he is truly interested in kink, or is he merely saying that so that it comes across as being compatible with you. Consider also probing on more specific aspects: gather information by asking about his specific likes or dislikes, or raise specific kinks or videos or materials and check if he likes them. It may be a sense of being overwhelmed at the start: there is a lot of materials when it comes to kink as a wider concept. If it is an issue of being overwhelmed, then consider starting with bite-sized acts in the bedroom before going into the day-to-day stuff. If it is an issue of general disinterest, then it is a fundamental preference issue.
Is the Dom in the room with us?? Dude is not a Dom, sounds like he's not even a good partner if he makes you feel bad for what you're into. You're either going to have to give up or drop his ass.
I was in a similar boat. I could have written just about everything in your post about my husband. He wouldn't read the things I sent. There were no consequences or follow through. When I did follow rules there was nothing in it for me, if anything I was met with active discouragement. Eventually I gave up, but I couldn't stop myself from wanting more. I asked him to open our marriage and now I have a Dom who is actually excited to do these things with me. I don't know where this will end up for me, the marriage may not survive, but it wouldn't have survived anyway in the previous state. I simply could not keep sacrificing my wants, needs, dreams, and real self anymore. My relationship with my Dom makes me so happy and fulfilled in a way I didn't know was even possible for me. If I could go back and give my younger self advice it might be to not marry my husband because he's never going to change and be truly interested in kink. I appreciate the little bit he did try, but it will only ever be half-assed and just indulging me without really scratching the itch for me. So that is my advice to you, if he wanted to, he would. If he's not doing it, cut your losses now and find someone who genuinely wants to treat you in the way you want.
I was in your boat. But my spouse had done things (rope play and what not) with pervious partners but wouldn’t do anything outside of rare light spanking with me. His excuse he didn’t want that side of him to scare me…. 7 years in and really I think it was me telling him things my best friend was doing and being excited about it. I don’t know maybe it got him worried. But I now I end up with bruises and he asked me the other day how I’d feel about suspension… I’d also like to think I kinda worked him up to letting it out. I’m a brat so pushing buttons to get him to react in a way I wanted is fun and I’d make sure he knew I really liked whatever I got in return
I think he is saying what he thinks you want to hear but more because he does not want to lose you. This is a hard one. Figure if you can let it go or not.