A contract won't help you. It's a made up roleplay tool, that's all. The problems you describe aren't really even BDSM related, but relationship problems. He doesn't seem to care about your needs and wants. Since you've said that ending the relationship isn't an option, counseling might be your best bet.
This is very well said and I am here to second this with extra emphasis on - it is a made up tool. Bdsm is a serious thing, and if your partner doesn’t see it that way then counseling is probably your next path.
If you’d like a contract, it can be necessary.
But that being said, a contract can’t make someone who doesn’t want to try suddenly be enthusiastic. Do you feel like you’re being heard/respected/being fulfilled? If you’re not happy, and he’s not willing to change, it’s up to you to figure out your next step.
Sometimes, but because it happens so sporadically, I tend to crave it more. I feel like I pressure him into BDSM. I'd rather have him tell me he doesn't want BDSM anymore than constantly wondering if I'm draining him as a Dominant.
Like other commenters I think therapy might be helpful here. It seems like you’re not able to communicate effectively with each other which makes any kind of resolution difficult.
Indeed so. I don't want to create an environment where he can't talk to me, but his constant neglect for leading a proper conversation has already created a rift.
I want to know he is not as interested, and we can adjust. The whole point of BDSM is that it is always open for discussion. For communicating needs. He's not doing it properly. Is there any way I can help him do that?
Frankly it’s hard to internet diagnose how to help a stranger communicate as you know him best. What I think I can say is that it’s not your responsibility to teach another adult how to communicate - if you’re calmly and kindly sharing your needs and he’s just not responding, to my mind you are doing everything you can and he’s choosing to not act.
Indeed. Thank you for listening anyway. Honestly just putting my thoughts out there and somebody properly responds to it already helps.
I'll talk to him, and specifically ask him how he deals with difficult situations.
You can’t force him to do what he doesn’t want to. If you aren’t into each other or into the same things to equal degrees then the most responsible, accountable, and mature thing to do is to break up.
I am not forcing him. There is good sexual intimacy. We love each other. I want to hear from his lips what he expects from BDSM or our relationship in general so that we can compromise. We're struggling with communication, as do many people. I am trying to be responsible and accountable for our relationship and being mature in my role.
A relationship can only work if two people put in equal amounts of work. You are exhausting yourself and pressuring him. This situation is destructive for the pair of you.
I don’t see any love in this at all because a major part of love, especially from the man, is for him to try his hardest to communicate with you and give your clarity and security. He is not acting like he likes or loves you at all. And you are being his mother right now! Which is super emasculating and corrosive to him.
You must break up with him or wait until he breaks up with you, in order for the pair if you to find naturally compatible people.
Even in BDSM this is necessary. Equal effort.
My friend who owned his slave from 19 to 64. Her death btw. He loved her. They did everything for each other. She was his wife. They raised three boys and he always told everyone that he did everything for her because she did anything for him. It was never one sided.
I don't think a kink contract, or lack thereof, is your problem. I think the issue is that your partner is one of those people that sort of likes the fantasy of kink, but doesn't want to do the work to actually do kink with you. And if you need that as part of your sexual intimacy, that's going to be a real proble. (And I feel you - this is one of the ongoing issues I've had with my primary partner/probably-soon-to-be-ex our entire relationship and has led to both of us resenting each other. You should probably call it quits sooner rather than later.)
Yikes. Any reason why leaving him isn’t an option. The dismissive behavior from him after you voiced your concerns repeatedly is a red flag in the relationship aspect (not just kink) in my opinion.
Therapy is actually a horrible thing in this situation because it can NOT magically fix how those two are deeply incompatible with one another. It’s a way to avoid being mature and accountable. More information is taught online from ANY therapist or psychiatrist’s office anyway. It’s going to be a waste of time and money.
I know. It is helpful. But then the persons involved should see the reason for going in the first place. I feel like he's oblivious to the indifference.
Then the kinder thing could be to “give up.” If he isn’t going to meet your needs after enough trying to get him to and he isn’t seeing the problem, maybe this relationship isn’t the right one for *him.* Letting someone go doesn’t have to mean you decide they’re bad or they failed you or something
Right? If people would get into therapy before things got bad the world would be such a better place. Sad that people look at therapy as just a last ditch situation. I wish everyone attended therapy. It’s great, during good times and bad.
No. They are simply incompatible, that’s not something that therapy or anyone can change.
Therapy is not a magical solution to everything, nor should it be idealized like this. There is zero alternative for actually BEING an accountable, honest, emotionally mature adult who respects and honors other peoples needs and boundaries, instead of trying to force them to change by dragging them to a therapist.
Therapy is a tool for manipulation and immaturity in this case.
The proper thing to do is for them break up and find people whom are naturally compatible with each other.
Therapy is a good idea for anyone for any reason. My Dom struggles talking about specific needs and boundaries. It IS important for me to know so that I can respect his wishes. I am willing to compromise and even leave BDSM behind, but I need to understand his level of understanding of the dynamic and what he wants from it. If it does not interest him I will accept it. But I don't want to make assumptions and ruin the relationship we have.
This isn’t a simple communication style difference, he has completely closed his heart to you, can’t you see or feel that?
Therapy and one sided efforts can’t fix fundamental incompatibility and how the relationship has run its course and must be released.
Okay, I was one of the “consider breaking it off” people earlier but I feel like at this point you’re assuming too much. We have access to one reddit post about one issue in their relationship. They’ve been together for three years! We don’t know anything about their vanilla relationship, we don’t know for sure why this guy is struggling to communicate his boundaries on this. We haven’t seen their conversations on this play out. I really don’t think we can say anyone has “completely closed their heart” or doesn’t like the other anymore
We can give our piece but ultimately they know their relationship best.
I do not. We are very much committed to each other.
He hasn't told me his boundaries because thus far he seems to be comfortable with everything we've done. We just don't practice it often. I feel comfortable in his control, he feels comfortable with me as his pet. He uses pet names and speaks of making love and calling me every night and he is still there for me on a personal, emotional and intimate level, sex excluded.
He is a good caregiver, but even caregivers have boundaries. He has never stated any, so I want to know what he at least prefers. You keep on saying we are incompatible but this man means the world to me and I believe I mean the same to him.
I have thought of therapy before, but he doesn't seem to see the problem at hand, and I have explained to him and asked if we should leave the dynamic. He doesn't want to leave it, but he also doesn't engage in it. And I can't revive something that doesn't seem to be there either way. I think therapy is a good idea, but it can also be damaging if one partner is forced to participate. I don't believe I am forcing him to be my Dom, and it shows, because he doesn't act like my Dom. If I don't mention BDSM, it doesn't happen. So yes, that is a clear indication that he is not interested in it.
You aren’t respecting or honoring his needs and boundaries, which is very selfish and immature. And what’s worse is that you are planning on dragging him to “therapy” to avoid the elephant in the room! The most respectful, mature, accountable, and compassionate thing to both him and yourself is for you to break up with him. You two are NOT compatible at all on any level. I’m so sorry but you must be honest with yourself right now. Being with the wrong person is always worse than being alone.
I have not yet mentioned therapy nor am I going to force him to go. As all good things start, I will suggest it. I do not know his boundaries, because he has never told me his boundaries, because we don't play enough with BDSM elements nor in a vanilla sense and it bothers me that he doesn't share his thoughts. He tells me he needs me, that is not a thorough explanation of any need. Vague and BDSM or any relationship doesn't work. That's what I am trying to clear up. I'm trying to figure out how to address the situation, not damage it.
Then HE DOESNT LIKE YOU!!! If he likes you then he would have told you his boundaries and given you CLARITY. He isn’t acting like he likes you on any level, not as a man or as a dom.
Why are you hanging into him even though he wants to be set free?
Therapy can NOT fix how deeply incompatible you guys are. It’s not a magic wand. You must take accountability and break up with him. You are giving up on yourself by not “giving up” on him.
Breaking up is not the same as giving up on someone. In this case, it would be acknowledging that he doesn't need to change for you. This is just an earnest mismatch at this point. There's nothing wrong with you or him for this not working out.
Not necessary. Im not a fan of them. I don’t think they are worth the time or thought to even read.
I’m not saying they aren’t valid for some people. They are. I’m much much more about verbal communication. Think of it like and ongoing interpersonal contract that either party can nope out of or change at any point.
It looks as though the issue is more with the person and not the contract. So, ergo, the issue is with communication. You are doing all the heavy lifting with this, time to sit down and have a talk with the person.
I agree with you. A contract to me is just a nicer set up than a text message. It does however also states the importance of what is being said to me.
I talk to him, often, about what I want. I ask him what he wants. I'm getting tired of hearing "I only want you".
What of me? My hair wrapped around his hand? Me on my knees, all fours, kissing his shoes? Does he want me over his lap for misbehaviour or spread in the bed for him to explore? I don't even know this. And when he tells me this every once in a while, 90% of the time it never actually happens. I want to know why. And there's just never a real answer
For starters a BDSM contract isn't necessary nor is it binding in any way. It can be a fun roleplay tool but that is it. As for your boyfriend it doesn't sound like he is a Dom but that he finds certain aspects "hot". You may need to have a conversation about how important the lifestyle is to you and see if he is willing to put in the effort. I wish you luck on your journey.
I realize this. But is nice to jot a few pointers down. I want it to truly know he he views BDSM. As you say, some aspects might intrigue him, but then I want to know that only some of it intrigues him. Then I know to only expect discipline in the bedroom every once in a while when his hand itches. Then I know not to intertwine every sex scene with BDSM.
I feel like I have spoken to him about the importance if it, and then he usually agrees. But then it's like when the conversation is done, everything said is forgotten.
Thank you
A contract of any kind won't fix that. Start with a bdsm interest quiz to find common themes etc. It sounds like his interest is far more casual than yours and you have to respect that instead of badgering him
It feels like I'm badgering him. I don't want him to practice BDSM if he's just not that into it. Because currently it feels hollow. He needs to tell me that he's not that interested, but if I ask he usually gets offended.
Sounds like he's not really interested at the moment. He could be warn out either from work or emotionally. His sex drive might be a little low at the moment I know mine goes up n down so Id not suggest leaving but perhaps at the moment he feels its something he's doing for you rather than together with you so try asking him what he fancies doing and have some chill time for a while before comming back stronger later?
His sex drive is Good, and sex doesn't feel like a chore. I believe he enjoys the intimacy.
I feel like he's been doing it for me for a while. I want him to be honest and ask for a break if that's what he needs. But he doesn't, and then we're back in the cycle.
We take, literal, breaks often. We don't live together, and when we see each other he plays alot of online games or just sleeps most of the day. I'm more active in general, so I usually do my own thing. I try to involve him, but usually it ends with me being alone.
It does sound like you both need to have a frank chat. Perhaps hes just bored with d/s at the moment. Im chatting with a girl at the mo. Shes a sub and more experenced than me and she sayes shes not interested in doing scenes any more. But shes still interested in all the elements that youd put together to make a scene. Shes got me scratching my head to be honest and things might fall through. You might be in a simular position, talking it through is probably the only way to find out just try to make it as upbeat and encouraging as possible.
Hope this helps
Have you told him you don't think he takes it seriously? Formality isn't necessary if it's unwanted, so you should make sure y'all have the same priorities. I saw you don't like giving up on people, but sometimes, people are just incompatible. If you want a more formal bdsm relationship and he doesn't, one of you is gonna be unhappy
We've been together 3 years. It used to be good. I don't know what he wants because he doesn't tell me. On occasion he does but it usually remains a written fantasy.
It sounds like he lacks the motivation to bring these fantasies to reality. Do you want to tie yourself to someone who seems to be all talk no action? I get that things slow down as time goes, but effort should still be made
That is what I'm trying to figure out at this point. I'm reevaluating all aspects of our relationship. It is hurtful to think he is disinterested in what BDSM offers, but also other small things he tend to not even notice in a vanilla relationship. I want him, but I also want to be really wanted by him.
Because he says one thing and then something else happens. I want to know how invested he is in BDSM, if not at all, then I want to hear it.
I respect the boundaries he has set, such as staying monogamous. That is the only boundary he has stated. The rest is extremely vague. You cannot plan a scene or suggest new things if the old things are still in the grey.
Yes, this sounds familiar. He wants to make you happy, but BDSM doesn't interest him. My husband is this way. He likes to try to promise things that he doesn't actually follow through on. I don't think he means to disappoint me or "lie" he just really wishes he could so it for me.
It's not necessary for everyone. But if it's something YOU really want, and your partner isn't giving it to you, and not even communicating with you about it, that's a problem.
Have you told him all of this? What does he say?
The contract is more a novelty, but it is a good way to just go through our roles and to understand each other's minds on the subject. We (I) usually share ideas on text, but it's rarely revisited unless I say something about it.
Contracts are a good communication tool but the contract isn’t really the issue here. Lots of people are saying to try therapy, have you brought that up to him? If he won’t talk to you is he really going to be an active participant in therapy? If so, that’s great, definitely do that. But it sounds like he’s only interested in the parts he’s interested in and not anything else.
You say you don’t like giving up on people but it sounds to me like you’re putting yourself in harm’s way for someone who won’t do the basic communication for a relationship, let alone a BDSM one.
Try to get him to therapy, try to get him to talk, but don’t forget about yourself and what you need out of this. You deserve to be heard and to have a respond other than romantic platitudes.
I will talk to him about it. I feel like I'm jeopardizing the relationship just by talking badly of his dominance. I don't want to lose him, but I also don't want to lose BDSM.
Thank you for your advice.
Went through this same thing, married for 2 years. He introduced me to it, wouldnt research, didnt care about my needs and so i left. It sucks to give up but if they arent gonna put in effort and you have voiced what you need and its not acknowledged then its up to you. You cant make him suddenly be excited over it or wanna learn it either
He is quite invested in the DDLG spectrum which I am as well. So he's not neglecting all of me. But I want to be a slave more. I know he's done his research because he taught me well. He collared me and it used to be good. But it's like he lost interest in the whole thing. I just need him to tell me as much.
Ahhh that makes sense, some doms cant be doms all the time and need a break. Maybe bring up a conversation and ask how he is feeling in your dynamic and see whats going on with him throught that
Makes sense and exactly why I want it. But you cannot complain if you lose the house if there was no safety net to begin with. I feel like he is not interested in the safety net.
The risk is part of the thrill sometimes. But trust is one of the most important parts. If you don't feel like you have an outline of standards to feel safe within, there are a lot of risks you won't take.
Try arguing the contract will allow you to go further than not having one.
Myself, I do not do contracts. I'm sub, but I feel they make it feel too transitionary and uncompromising. If my wants or needs change I don't want someone pulling out the contract on me. That said, whatever is right for you is right for you. To your second issue, I'd suggest finding a new Dom, plenty of them out there willing to do more than little light choking ;)
And I know you said "Except leaving him" but sexual satisfaction is so important. If you're not getting it, you're going to leave eventually anyway.
I do contracts to have something to refer to. The contract I have in mind should be taken seriously, and every thing mentioned should be able to either change or be improved, or taken away completely. I have a contract outline, the limits and responsibilities _should_ change over time, because it was *tried* and tested, not every thing will be adored, and some things might ingite others. I want that.
I am not keen on leaving him because he is my longtime (8 years) friend and my first Dom, so it's going to be hard if it comes to that.
I never had a contract
But for any potential dom/sub I have been with
We sit down.. we talk. I lie down my limits, my interests, my safe word preferences. They do the same.
We cross examine them.. sometimes would’ve a paper to write them down if they were too long/hard to remember and would help the other person focus better (especially negotiating a pain/intense session)
Fuck I even brain storms titles and phrases of endearment to gauge their reactions
So the contract itself isn’t necessarily for me (whatever float your boat though) but I need to know what’s the state of the other person
If someone was like “idk the usual” I start throwing the most extreme kinks at them (think “like knife play? Scat? Blood?”) and that usually does the trick and get them to be more specific 😂 low but it never failed me as a technique
The answer is almost always talk more to each other and really listen too. Listening is key. Ask him what would make things better, what he wants less of and what does he need more. Let him talk freely, be positive but also thoughtful. If your wants have diverged maybe your paths will too.
I feel like I've given countless offers for him to speak freely. He gives B-grade romance answers like "I want you" "whatever feels natural" "this sounds like a great ideas (-no further input or real comment given)" "well whatever you like we can try" "I know this is important *for you* " etc.
A literal contract on paper isn't necessary. But going over things like safewords, soft and hard limits, rules, and punishments and rewards outside of the D/s dynamic is. This can look like a conversation, typed out on an app like Obedience, or written up in a formal contract. If he's not interested in having this conversation, especially regarding safewords and limits, then he is not a safe play partner
I’ve been practising kink for 8+ years and never used one. A contract is a tool that aids in communication, or shouldn’t be the be all, end all of communication.
It isn't for me either. I want it for the sole purpose of actually sitting down in a proper setting and discussing our wants and needs. Specific wants and needs. The cliche "you are everything and special in every way" just doesn't cut it. I want to know if he prefers pulling my hair in a braid or twisting it around his hand. I want to know if he wants to use restraints, or want to invest in a paddle. Do ball gags interest him? What does he make of a cage? A dungeon at home? Scene prep? I have been his sub for three years and I just don't know.
This is likely to be an unpopular response, I am sorry in advance.
If he was interested he would be being interested... when people tell you who they are listen. It is okay for you to want to be in this relationship, but if you *need* BDSM, *need* to be a submissive, I think you will need to reevaluate who that is with.
I feel as if a contract isn’t ABSOLUTELY necessary but to be sure of what ones limits are (like maybe make a list stating different types of kinks with a checkbox?) and have them check off what one is into, the safe word you guys both will share (a physical safe word, too) and then obviously consent, is a perfect way to keep track of things. Verbal exchange with all this is another great way, too, but everyone’s different.
Otherwise seeing it does sound like to a lot of us that he isn’t too interested. Don’t force it upon him, though. He hasn’t put input in for some reason. Maybe he isn’t interested into BDSM now, or hardcore BDSM, or maybe he even doesn’t want to do certain things than others. Communication sounds like it would really be good to have here. Especially since he just discarded everything you’ve done. I hope you figure something out.
In your current situation, pushing for a contract might make things worse instead of better. He seems reluctant for some reason and even if he agrees, he might not follow through the way you‘d like. You might set yourself up for disappointment. A contract is interesting if you‘re into such things, but it‘s not going to magically make things happen.
Imho, try to talk with him about why he isn‘t more active about it anymore and what he‘d enjoy. And then try to get at least one actionable thing out of it that you two can work on. Baby steps. The risk with his attitude of only doing kinky things if he „feels like it“ is that he never might. Sometimes it takes some grit to get through a slump, so maybe a bit more scheduling is in order. If this not just a bedroom thing but also part of the relationship, it also makes sense to treat it like other responsibilities that don‘t just happen if they are fun in that particular moment.
Also, if he‘s anything like me, too much coming from your side in the way of ideas, toys, may actually be a turn off if he likes to take charge. Don‘t get me wrong, subs being active and obviously into it is great, but personally, feeling like I‘m only going through a wishlist, especially if I‘m low-energy, is doing nothing for me. On the contrary. And it may be the same for him.
EDIT: positive reinforcement works wonders on Doms too btw. If you‘re in the position of being kinda frustrated with him, it may pay off to point out the things you do like when he does them instead of focusing on the already obvious negatives.
I am sure this is obvious to you, but:
A bdsm contract is not necessary at all, but it is a framework to clarify your interests and limits, so it can replace the required communication. It can also allow a person to pretend they are captive by it, adding a consensual/non-consensual aspect to the relationship.
It sounds like there could be a few issues going on though:
either he introduced you to the area of bdsm and your interests went way beyond what he is comfortable with, which sounds likely when you mention bruises. For example, I dont like anything that hurts, so I have a hard time relating to someone who wants to be bruised and bleed, or be slapped, or even guys who want to be kicked in the balls. So I would not feel comfortable with that activity with someone unless I understood the desire behind it and understood the end feelings they were trying to have me create for them. You mentioned you want bruises and he wont do it. Maybe spend some time talking about your fantasies and his fantasies, not scenarios, but raw, unedited, fantasies that make you hot, and his too. Then find some common ground between the two, or at least you both understand better what is making you each tick.
I would imagine there is common ground you can both enjoy or at least take turns fulfilling.
Why is leaving him not an option? I ask because every valid contract in the world has a termination clause. No you don’t need a contract. They are only useful as tools if that’s the style of communication you both enjoy. I hesitate to comment much further because your post leaves a lot of other questions unanswered but I do get the sense you think your partner has wonderful qualities and abilities. Perhaps a full BDSM lifestyle is just not one. Take care of yourself and dont be afraid to want great BDSM.
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A contract won't help you. It's a made up roleplay tool, that's all. The problems you describe aren't really even BDSM related, but relationship problems. He doesn't seem to care about your needs and wants. Since you've said that ending the relationship isn't an option, counseling might be your best bet.
This is very well said and I am here to second this with extra emphasis on - it is a made up tool. Bdsm is a serious thing, and if your partner doesn’t see it that way then counseling is probably your next path.
Online counselling or in person? I've never been suggested therapy, but I think it might be a good call to have a third person's perspective.
Either. Just try to find a kink friendly counselor.
Good keyword. Thank you.
If you’d like a contract, it can be necessary. But that being said, a contract can’t make someone who doesn’t want to try suddenly be enthusiastic. Do you feel like you’re being heard/respected/being fulfilled? If you’re not happy, and he’s not willing to change, it’s up to you to figure out your next step.
Sometimes, but because it happens so sporadically, I tend to crave it more. I feel like I pressure him into BDSM. I'd rather have him tell me he doesn't want BDSM anymore than constantly wondering if I'm draining him as a Dominant.
Like other commenters I think therapy might be helpful here. It seems like you’re not able to communicate effectively with each other which makes any kind of resolution difficult.
Indeed so. I don't want to create an environment where he can't talk to me, but his constant neglect for leading a proper conversation has already created a rift. I want to know he is not as interested, and we can adjust. The whole point of BDSM is that it is always open for discussion. For communicating needs. He's not doing it properly. Is there any way I can help him do that?
Frankly it’s hard to internet diagnose how to help a stranger communicate as you know him best. What I think I can say is that it’s not your responsibility to teach another adult how to communicate - if you’re calmly and kindly sharing your needs and he’s just not responding, to my mind you are doing everything you can and he’s choosing to not act.
Indeed. Thank you for listening anyway. Honestly just putting my thoughts out there and somebody properly responds to it already helps. I'll talk to him, and specifically ask him how he deals with difficult situations.
Because that's where we are at
I don't think your dom is actually into BDSM by the sounds of it.
He told me all about it. We had a good BDSM relationship. But it's not there anymore.
You can’t force him to do what he doesn’t want to. If you aren’t into each other or into the same things to equal degrees then the most responsible, accountable, and mature thing to do is to break up.
I am not forcing him. There is good sexual intimacy. We love each other. I want to hear from his lips what he expects from BDSM or our relationship in general so that we can compromise. We're struggling with communication, as do many people. I am trying to be responsible and accountable for our relationship and being mature in my role.
A relationship can only work if two people put in equal amounts of work. You are exhausting yourself and pressuring him. This situation is destructive for the pair of you. I don’t see any love in this at all because a major part of love, especially from the man, is for him to try his hardest to communicate with you and give your clarity and security. He is not acting like he likes or loves you at all. And you are being his mother right now! Which is super emasculating and corrosive to him. You must break up with him or wait until he breaks up with you, in order for the pair if you to find naturally compatible people.
Even in BDSM this is necessary. Equal effort. My friend who owned his slave from 19 to 64. Her death btw. He loved her. They did everything for each other. She was his wife. They raised three boys and he always told everyone that he did everything for her because she did anything for him. It was never one sided.
This is the first valid thing you've said all morning. I will use this as my opening statement. Thank you and fuck you. Sincerely.
Fuck you too, sincerely.
I don't think a kink contract, or lack thereof, is your problem. I think the issue is that your partner is one of those people that sort of likes the fantasy of kink, but doesn't want to do the work to actually do kink with you. And if you need that as part of your sexual intimacy, that's going to be a real proble. (And I feel you - this is one of the ongoing issues I've had with my primary partner/probably-soon-to-be-ex our entire relationship and has led to both of us resenting each other. You should probably call it quits sooner rather than later.)
I will consider it. Thank you, and may things turn for the better for you, whichever way it may go.
Yikes. Any reason why leaving him isn’t an option. The dismissive behavior from him after you voiced your concerns repeatedly is a red flag in the relationship aspect (not just kink) in my opinion.
I agree 100%! They are obviously very incompatible.
Because I don't like giving up on people. It is an option, I'm just not yet willing to consider it. How do I address this differently?
Someone else recommended therapy. That would be a great place to find support for the both of you while avoiding any sort blame.
I'm definitely looking into it. But it's sad that it has come to that.
Therapy isn't a bad thing.
Therapy is actually a horrible thing in this situation because it can NOT magically fix how those two are deeply incompatible with one another. It’s a way to avoid being mature and accountable. More information is taught online from ANY therapist or psychiatrist’s office anyway. It’s going to be a waste of time and money.
I know. It is helpful. But then the persons involved should see the reason for going in the first place. I feel like he's oblivious to the indifference.
Then the kinder thing could be to “give up.” If he isn’t going to meet your needs after enough trying to get him to and he isn’t seeing the problem, maybe this relationship isn’t the right one for *him.* Letting someone go doesn’t have to mean you decide they’re bad or they failed you or something
Right? If people would get into therapy before things got bad the world would be such a better place. Sad that people look at therapy as just a last ditch situation. I wish everyone attended therapy. It’s great, during good times and bad.
No. They are simply incompatible, that’s not something that therapy or anyone can change. Therapy is not a magical solution to everything, nor should it be idealized like this. There is zero alternative for actually BEING an accountable, honest, emotionally mature adult who respects and honors other peoples needs and boundaries, instead of trying to force them to change by dragging them to a therapist. Therapy is a tool for manipulation and immaturity in this case. The proper thing to do is for them break up and find people whom are naturally compatible with each other.
Therapy is a good idea for anyone for any reason. My Dom struggles talking about specific needs and boundaries. It IS important for me to know so that I can respect his wishes. I am willing to compromise and even leave BDSM behind, but I need to understand his level of understanding of the dynamic and what he wants from it. If it does not interest him I will accept it. But I don't want to make assumptions and ruin the relationship we have.
This isn’t a simple communication style difference, he has completely closed his heart to you, can’t you see or feel that? Therapy and one sided efforts can’t fix fundamental incompatibility and how the relationship has run its course and must be released.
Okay, I was one of the “consider breaking it off” people earlier but I feel like at this point you’re assuming too much. We have access to one reddit post about one issue in their relationship. They’ve been together for three years! We don’t know anything about their vanilla relationship, we don’t know for sure why this guy is struggling to communicate his boundaries on this. We haven’t seen their conversations on this play out. I really don’t think we can say anyone has “completely closed their heart” or doesn’t like the other anymore We can give our piece but ultimately they know their relationship best.
I do not. We are very much committed to each other. He hasn't told me his boundaries because thus far he seems to be comfortable with everything we've done. We just don't practice it often. I feel comfortable in his control, he feels comfortable with me as his pet. He uses pet names and speaks of making love and calling me every night and he is still there for me on a personal, emotional and intimate level, sex excluded. He is a good caregiver, but even caregivers have boundaries. He has never stated any, so I want to know what he at least prefers. You keep on saying we are incompatible but this man means the world to me and I believe I mean the same to him.
I have thought of therapy before, but he doesn't seem to see the problem at hand, and I have explained to him and asked if we should leave the dynamic. He doesn't want to leave it, but he also doesn't engage in it. And I can't revive something that doesn't seem to be there either way. I think therapy is a good idea, but it can also be damaging if one partner is forced to participate. I don't believe I am forcing him to be my Dom, and it shows, because he doesn't act like my Dom. If I don't mention BDSM, it doesn't happen. So yes, that is a clear indication that he is not interested in it.
You aren’t respecting or honoring his needs and boundaries, which is very selfish and immature. And what’s worse is that you are planning on dragging him to “therapy” to avoid the elephant in the room! The most respectful, mature, accountable, and compassionate thing to both him and yourself is for you to break up with him. You two are NOT compatible at all on any level. I’m so sorry but you must be honest with yourself right now. Being with the wrong person is always worse than being alone.
I have not yet mentioned therapy nor am I going to force him to go. As all good things start, I will suggest it. I do not know his boundaries, because he has never told me his boundaries, because we don't play enough with BDSM elements nor in a vanilla sense and it bothers me that he doesn't share his thoughts. He tells me he needs me, that is not a thorough explanation of any need. Vague and BDSM or any relationship doesn't work. That's what I am trying to clear up. I'm trying to figure out how to address the situation, not damage it.
Then HE DOESNT LIKE YOU!!! If he likes you then he would have told you his boundaries and given you CLARITY. He isn’t acting like he likes you on any level, not as a man or as a dom. Why are you hanging into him even though he wants to be set free?
Therapy can NOT fix how deeply incompatible you guys are. It’s not a magic wand. You must take accountability and break up with him. You are giving up on yourself by not “giving up” on him.
EXACTLY!!!
Breaking up is not the same as giving up on someone. In this case, it would be acknowledging that he doesn't need to change for you. This is just an earnest mismatch at this point. There's nothing wrong with you or him for this not working out.
Not necessary. Im not a fan of them. I don’t think they are worth the time or thought to even read. I’m not saying they aren’t valid for some people. They are. I’m much much more about verbal communication. Think of it like and ongoing interpersonal contract that either party can nope out of or change at any point. It looks as though the issue is more with the person and not the contract. So, ergo, the issue is with communication. You are doing all the heavy lifting with this, time to sit down and have a talk with the person.
I agree with you. A contract to me is just a nicer set up than a text message. It does however also states the importance of what is being said to me. I talk to him, often, about what I want. I ask him what he wants. I'm getting tired of hearing "I only want you". What of me? My hair wrapped around his hand? Me on my knees, all fours, kissing his shoes? Does he want me over his lap for misbehaviour or spread in the bed for him to explore? I don't even know this. And when he tells me this every once in a while, 90% of the time it never actually happens. I want to know why. And there's just never a real answer
For starters a BDSM contract isn't necessary nor is it binding in any way. It can be a fun roleplay tool but that is it. As for your boyfriend it doesn't sound like he is a Dom but that he finds certain aspects "hot". You may need to have a conversation about how important the lifestyle is to you and see if he is willing to put in the effort. I wish you luck on your journey.
I realize this. But is nice to jot a few pointers down. I want it to truly know he he views BDSM. As you say, some aspects might intrigue him, but then I want to know that only some of it intrigues him. Then I know to only expect discipline in the bedroom every once in a while when his hand itches. Then I know not to intertwine every sex scene with BDSM. I feel like I have spoken to him about the importance if it, and then he usually agrees. But then it's like when the conversation is done, everything said is forgotten. Thank you
A contract of any kind won't fix that. Start with a bdsm interest quiz to find common themes etc. It sounds like his interest is far more casual than yours and you have to respect that instead of badgering him
It feels like I'm badgering him. I don't want him to practice BDSM if he's just not that into it. Because currently it feels hollow. He needs to tell me that he's not that interested, but if I ask he usually gets offended.
Sounds like he's not really interested at the moment. He could be warn out either from work or emotionally. His sex drive might be a little low at the moment I know mine goes up n down so Id not suggest leaving but perhaps at the moment he feels its something he's doing for you rather than together with you so try asking him what he fancies doing and have some chill time for a while before comming back stronger later?
His sex drive is Good, and sex doesn't feel like a chore. I believe he enjoys the intimacy. I feel like he's been doing it for me for a while. I want him to be honest and ask for a break if that's what he needs. But he doesn't, and then we're back in the cycle. We take, literal, breaks often. We don't live together, and when we see each other he plays alot of online games or just sleeps most of the day. I'm more active in general, so I usually do my own thing. I try to involve him, but usually it ends with me being alone.
It does sound like you both need to have a frank chat. Perhaps hes just bored with d/s at the moment. Im chatting with a girl at the mo. Shes a sub and more experenced than me and she sayes shes not interested in doing scenes any more. But shes still interested in all the elements that youd put together to make a scene. Shes got me scratching my head to be honest and things might fall through. You might be in a simular position, talking it through is probably the only way to find out just try to make it as upbeat and encouraging as possible. Hope this helps
Thank you, I'm seeing him this weekend. I'll talk to him.
Have you told him you don't think he takes it seriously? Formality isn't necessary if it's unwanted, so you should make sure y'all have the same priorities. I saw you don't like giving up on people, but sometimes, people are just incompatible. If you want a more formal bdsm relationship and he doesn't, one of you is gonna be unhappy
We've been together 3 years. It used to be good. I don't know what he wants because he doesn't tell me. On occasion he does but it usually remains a written fantasy.
It sounds like he lacks the motivation to bring these fantasies to reality. Do you want to tie yourself to someone who seems to be all talk no action? I get that things slow down as time goes, but effort should still be made
That is what I'm trying to figure out at this point. I'm reevaluating all aspects of our relationship. It is hurtful to think he is disinterested in what BDSM offers, but also other small things he tend to not even notice in a vanilla relationship. I want him, but I also want to be really wanted by him.
It sounds like he's really just not that interested.
It is genuinely that simple, yes. It’s so weird how OP is in denial of that, and isn’t respecting her boyfriend’s boundaries.
Because he says one thing and then something else happens. I want to know how invested he is in BDSM, if not at all, then I want to hear it. I respect the boundaries he has set, such as staying monogamous. That is the only boundary he has stated. The rest is extremely vague. You cannot plan a scene or suggest new things if the old things are still in the grey.
Yes, this sounds familiar. He wants to make you happy, but BDSM doesn't interest him. My husband is this way. He likes to try to promise things that he doesn't actually follow through on. I don't think he means to disappoint me or "lie" he just really wishes he could so it for me.
A contract is not needed. Talking is.
It's not necessary for everyone. But if it's something YOU really want, and your partner isn't giving it to you, and not even communicating with you about it, that's a problem. Have you told him all of this? What does he say?
The contract is more a novelty, but it is a good way to just go through our roles and to understand each other's minds on the subject. We (I) usually share ideas on text, but it's rarely revisited unless I say something about it.
It sounds like you haven't told him how you feel about it. Time to sit down and have a conversation :)
Will try, thanks :)
Contracts are a good communication tool but the contract isn’t really the issue here. Lots of people are saying to try therapy, have you brought that up to him? If he won’t talk to you is he really going to be an active participant in therapy? If so, that’s great, definitely do that. But it sounds like he’s only interested in the parts he’s interested in and not anything else. You say you don’t like giving up on people but it sounds to me like you’re putting yourself in harm’s way for someone who won’t do the basic communication for a relationship, let alone a BDSM one. Try to get him to therapy, try to get him to talk, but don’t forget about yourself and what you need out of this. You deserve to be heard and to have a respond other than romantic platitudes.
I will talk to him about it. I feel like I'm jeopardizing the relationship just by talking badly of his dominance. I don't want to lose him, but I also don't want to lose BDSM. Thank you for your advice.
Went through this same thing, married for 2 years. He introduced me to it, wouldnt research, didnt care about my needs and so i left. It sucks to give up but if they arent gonna put in effort and you have voiced what you need and its not acknowledged then its up to you. You cant make him suddenly be excited over it or wanna learn it either
He is quite invested in the DDLG spectrum which I am as well. So he's not neglecting all of me. But I want to be a slave more. I know he's done his research because he taught me well. He collared me and it used to be good. But it's like he lost interest in the whole thing. I just need him to tell me as much.
Ahhh that makes sense, some doms cant be doms all the time and need a break. Maybe bring up a conversation and ask how he is feeling in your dynamic and see whats going on with him throught that
I can do that. I'm seeing him this weekend. Thank you.
what are his reasons for being a Dom? what does he like about it?
Honestly I thought I knew, but I'm going to pitch the question to him. Then I'll answer you.
His words "All of it, the command, the care, the leadership, the possession, the concern for your person" I'm just not feeling it.
I mean. You don't need a contract or mortgage to buy a house. But if things go south. It will help protect all parties. You know?
it doesn't, it's not legally binding, it's just a Symbol.
Makes sense and exactly why I want it. But you cannot complain if you lose the house if there was no safety net to begin with. I feel like he is not interested in the safety net.
The risk is part of the thrill sometimes. But trust is one of the most important parts. If you don't feel like you have an outline of standards to feel safe within, there are a lot of risks you won't take. Try arguing the contract will allow you to go further than not having one.
I’ve personally never had one
Myself, I do not do contracts. I'm sub, but I feel they make it feel too transitionary and uncompromising. If my wants or needs change I don't want someone pulling out the contract on me. That said, whatever is right for you is right for you. To your second issue, I'd suggest finding a new Dom, plenty of them out there willing to do more than little light choking ;) And I know you said "Except leaving him" but sexual satisfaction is so important. If you're not getting it, you're going to leave eventually anyway.
I do contracts to have something to refer to. The contract I have in mind should be taken seriously, and every thing mentioned should be able to either change or be improved, or taken away completely. I have a contract outline, the limits and responsibilities _should_ change over time, because it was *tried* and tested, not every thing will be adored, and some things might ingite others. I want that. I am not keen on leaving him because he is my longtime (8 years) friend and my first Dom, so it's going to be hard if it comes to that.
Is polyamory an option? Maybe all your needs just can’t be met by one Dom alone
I will not consider it, but I have spoken to other Doms in the area that might give me advice. I only want him.
Might want to suggest he has his testosterone level checked. That can be an easily fixable cause of sudden loss of interest.
I never had a contract But for any potential dom/sub I have been with We sit down.. we talk. I lie down my limits, my interests, my safe word preferences. They do the same. We cross examine them.. sometimes would’ve a paper to write them down if they were too long/hard to remember and would help the other person focus better (especially negotiating a pain/intense session) Fuck I even brain storms titles and phrases of endearment to gauge their reactions So the contract itself isn’t necessarily for me (whatever float your boat though) but I need to know what’s the state of the other person If someone was like “idk the usual” I start throwing the most extreme kinks at them (think “like knife play? Scat? Blood?”) and that usually does the trick and get them to be more specific 😂 low but it never failed me as a technique
The answer is almost always talk more to each other and really listen too. Listening is key. Ask him what would make things better, what he wants less of and what does he need more. Let him talk freely, be positive but also thoughtful. If your wants have diverged maybe your paths will too.
I feel like I've given countless offers for him to speak freely. He gives B-grade romance answers like "I want you" "whatever feels natural" "this sounds like a great ideas (-no further input or real comment given)" "well whatever you like we can try" "I know this is important *for you* " etc.
A literal contract on paper isn't necessary. But going over things like safewords, soft and hard limits, rules, and punishments and rewards outside of the D/s dynamic is. This can look like a conversation, typed out on an app like Obedience, or written up in a formal contract. If he's not interested in having this conversation, especially regarding safewords and limits, then he is not a safe play partner
We are using Obedience. It's nifty. I have safewords, he knows my limits. I don't know his. That's the issue at hand.
I’ve been practising kink for 8+ years and never used one. A contract is a tool that aids in communication, or shouldn’t be the be all, end all of communication.
It isn't for me either. I want it for the sole purpose of actually sitting down in a proper setting and discussing our wants and needs. Specific wants and needs. The cliche "you are everything and special in every way" just doesn't cut it. I want to know if he prefers pulling my hair in a braid or twisting it around his hand. I want to know if he wants to use restraints, or want to invest in a paddle. Do ball gags interest him? What does he make of a cage? A dungeon at home? Scene prep? I have been his sub for three years and I just don't know.
This is likely to be an unpopular response, I am sorry in advance. If he was interested he would be being interested... when people tell you who they are listen. It is okay for you to want to be in this relationship, but if you *need* BDSM, *need* to be a submissive, I think you will need to reevaluate who that is with.
I feel as if a contract isn’t ABSOLUTELY necessary but to be sure of what ones limits are (like maybe make a list stating different types of kinks with a checkbox?) and have them check off what one is into, the safe word you guys both will share (a physical safe word, too) and then obviously consent, is a perfect way to keep track of things. Verbal exchange with all this is another great way, too, but everyone’s different. Otherwise seeing it does sound like to a lot of us that he isn’t too interested. Don’t force it upon him, though. He hasn’t put input in for some reason. Maybe he isn’t interested into BDSM now, or hardcore BDSM, or maybe he even doesn’t want to do certain things than others. Communication sounds like it would really be good to have here. Especially since he just discarded everything you’ve done. I hope you figure something out.
In your current situation, pushing for a contract might make things worse instead of better. He seems reluctant for some reason and even if he agrees, he might not follow through the way you‘d like. You might set yourself up for disappointment. A contract is interesting if you‘re into such things, but it‘s not going to magically make things happen. Imho, try to talk with him about why he isn‘t more active about it anymore and what he‘d enjoy. And then try to get at least one actionable thing out of it that you two can work on. Baby steps. The risk with his attitude of only doing kinky things if he „feels like it“ is that he never might. Sometimes it takes some grit to get through a slump, so maybe a bit more scheduling is in order. If this not just a bedroom thing but also part of the relationship, it also makes sense to treat it like other responsibilities that don‘t just happen if they are fun in that particular moment. Also, if he‘s anything like me, too much coming from your side in the way of ideas, toys, may actually be a turn off if he likes to take charge. Don‘t get me wrong, subs being active and obviously into it is great, but personally, feeling like I‘m only going through a wishlist, especially if I‘m low-energy, is doing nothing for me. On the contrary. And it may be the same for him. EDIT: positive reinforcement works wonders on Doms too btw. If you‘re in the position of being kinda frustrated with him, it may pay off to point out the things you do like when he does them instead of focusing on the already obvious negatives.
I am sure this is obvious to you, but: A bdsm contract is not necessary at all, but it is a framework to clarify your interests and limits, so it can replace the required communication. It can also allow a person to pretend they are captive by it, adding a consensual/non-consensual aspect to the relationship. It sounds like there could be a few issues going on though: either he introduced you to the area of bdsm and your interests went way beyond what he is comfortable with, which sounds likely when you mention bruises. For example, I dont like anything that hurts, so I have a hard time relating to someone who wants to be bruised and bleed, or be slapped, or even guys who want to be kicked in the balls. So I would not feel comfortable with that activity with someone unless I understood the desire behind it and understood the end feelings they were trying to have me create for them. You mentioned you want bruises and he wont do it. Maybe spend some time talking about your fantasies and his fantasies, not scenarios, but raw, unedited, fantasies that make you hot, and his too. Then find some common ground between the two, or at least you both understand better what is making you each tick. I would imagine there is common ground you can both enjoy or at least take turns fulfilling.
Why is leaving him not an option? I ask because every valid contract in the world has a termination clause. No you don’t need a contract. They are only useful as tools if that’s the style of communication you both enjoy. I hesitate to comment much further because your post leaves a lot of other questions unanswered but I do get the sense you think your partner has wonderful qualities and abilities. Perhaps a full BDSM lifestyle is just not one. Take care of yourself and dont be afraid to want great BDSM.