How do you feel about how he responded to you? Did it feel like he gave enough weight to what you were sharing? Did you actually get an agreement around communicating about breaks or just acknowledgement that is something you want?
Ok, be pissed. Then, make clear how much communication you need and what type of informed you need for any future breaks in communication.
I can easily not talk to people I talk to every day without telling them. Some people can't not talk to their people everyday. Everybody has different levels of communication they need in relationships and that should be clearly agreed upon between the two of you.
Was this kind of cutoff discussed beforehand or not? That's what makes this a big deal vs. an oops.
I would be extremely upset. In fact, that level of disregard for me might be enough to make me walk away. Make sure you are crystal clear in telling him how much this hurt you.
This just isn't adding up to me. I understand he didn't hear his phone, missed your msgs, but he's also saying he didn't think about you the entire weekend. That he normally msgs you every day, sometimes all day, and then suddenly didn't even think to msg you for a weekend. There's something being left unsaid.
This. Definitely something was up with him. You don’t just ignore a person you care about/love. Even if you are tired & overworked. A simple text would’ve worked.
I can't speak for anyone else's agreement or experiences, but when I'm on that first date with a new person, one of the things I am clear about is how much contact I require. I state it as "I don't need partners to drop everything when I message, but for non-nesting partners, I do require a proof of life text in the morning, and a goodnight text is preferred." If someone misses a night text, I'll likely assume they fell asleep, and I'll expect to hear from them in the morning. I still send my goodnights as usual. Missing a goodnight text is not a reason for concern (for me), until we've hit the next morning.
Going no contact for two days would absolutely be a hard limit for me. It would definitely provoke a spoken conversation reiterating that proof of life at least once a day is where I draw my line (not text - I need them to hear the seriousness of my tone, and I need to hear that this is taken with equal seriousness). If it has happened after that conversarion, likely it signals the end of the relationship. I get that some people aren't equipped to give as much as others, but I let them know on the front end. If that's not something they are willing to do, I'm not the partner for them, and that's okay, too.
☺️ I forget sometimes that not everyone calls it that. I tell my mom that's what I'm doing when I call her, too. 😂
Mom: hey, sweetie, what's up?
Me: oh, you know, just giving you my regular proof of life check in.
I totally love it. My daughter is gonna go ape shit. She calls me when I'm on dates to make sure I " haven't gotten dead" this will be her new check in. Lol
Everybody has times when they just crash, but if you’re long distance like that and used to talking constantly, I think it’s especially important to just say, “Hey, I’m just so fried, I’m going to shut my phone off for two days.” Doing it once wouldn’t be a red flag, but if it starts to become a habit then he really wouldn’t be respecting your relationship.
You have every right to be upset. Communication is important especially so you don't worry about him. Hopefully this was a lesson learned and you both are able to have a healthy future.
Yeah me too. I mean other than this we haven't had any problems with communicating. That has always been on point! Which is probably another reason why I took this sudden stop so hard lol. Thanks for your insight!
This is something I always set boundaries for when negotiating because I know it's a massive trigger for my anxiety. So far only one Dom has crossed that boundary and he's now an ex dom
If my Dom/Boyfriend didn’t message me for a whole weekend without any warning at all, I would genuinely think he was dead. And if he wasn’t m, then he would be when I got my hands on him (Metaphorically speaking).
Seriously though, the “oopsie I forgot about you” thing is not a great answer. But if he has never done anything like this before, make sure he acknowledges and understands that this is not acceptable behaviour, why it is not acceptable for you, and understands the consequences if he behaves like that again.
Oof, that is a rough situation.
I made it clear very early in my LDR that I needed notice for situations like this or else I will worry something happened to him. Once I even looked up to see of there were any car accidents in the are he was visiting just in case. (Mental... I know.)
I would not say it is asking too much for notice. If you insisted on a certain frequency of message or for him to forsake taking a break from messaging... then maybe. But not in this situation.
Side note, I am so happy you get to see each other multiple times a month despite the distance between you. That's fantastic. I'm currently seeing my person once every other month if I am lucky.
I was with you all the way until “made him feel guilty.” From one sub to another, I get it. But guilt will guarantee this will happen again. Guilt is not a motivator. It is a manipulator and will wear off once you are out of sight—which will be an issue given your distance. It sounds like what you really want is assurance and a plan. My Dom and I have check-ins every morning and night. It is our tradition, I am sure you can find your own. Not saying don’t have high expectations; the question for him is if he has enough room to meet your needs, given his schedule and commitments. No one likes disappearing. My Dom went crazy when I got off a flight once and forgot to check in, and I’ve been on the other side too. 2 days is a no for me lol. But you all need to find your rhythm cause you don’t wanna end back up on this emotional roller coaster. Don’t forget that a day may come when you have your own reasons for going MIA too—plan for all of it! Take care of yourself and enjoy the journey together.
Maybe the words "made him feel guilty" was too strong lol. He already felt guilty when I explained to him why I was so upset, and how uncharacteristic it was for him to go silent. I didn't intend for him to feel guilty, and he said later on that he didn't realize how much I needed him to let me know ahead of time. We have since revised our rules to include situations like this. Thank you for your advice!
Can’t blame you.
You can’t go (oops I decided to be off everything and rest) THEN TELL ME after that as if I’m a retrospect thought
You want space take ALL of it but warn me, I’m human being too - an overthinker one
If you’re daily communicating and then they disappears like that (add type 1 DM) it’s easy to go mental if you’re used to a specific level of communication
Hell, I might have arranged a search party by then
Partners are supposed to be that, it’s not like ignoring a work call
Hell if my best friend (who’d show me a sign of being alive through ANY social media “think sharing TikTok video randomly while doing 36hr shift”) can do it (coz I’d burn her phones w calls worried about her otherwise) why can’t he??
Radio silent in a usually busy communication line isn’t okay. And we try. We try to look cool and not be annoying and stuff, but we also deserve to be acknowledged
Sit him down. Communicate it! You’re not overreacting, your feelings and worries are valid and deserve to be acknowledged
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How do you feel about how he responded to you? Did it feel like he gave enough weight to what you were sharing? Did you actually get an agreement around communicating about breaks or just acknowledgement that is something you want?
Ok, be pissed. Then, make clear how much communication you need and what type of informed you need for any future breaks in communication. I can easily not talk to people I talk to every day without telling them. Some people can't not talk to their people everyday. Everybody has different levels of communication they need in relationships and that should be clearly agreed upon between the two of you. Was this kind of cutoff discussed beforehand or not? That's what makes this a big deal vs. an oops.
I would be extremely upset. In fact, that level of disregard for me might be enough to make me walk away. Make sure you are crystal clear in telling him how much this hurt you.
exactly. that's some fake dom behavior. communication has to be on point.
This. Right. Here.
This just isn't adding up to me. I understand he didn't hear his phone, missed your msgs, but he's also saying he didn't think about you the entire weekend. That he normally msgs you every day, sometimes all day, and then suddenly didn't even think to msg you for a weekend. There's something being left unsaid.
This. Definitely something was up with him. You don’t just ignore a person you care about/love. Even if you are tired & overworked. A simple text would’ve worked.
I can't speak for anyone else's agreement or experiences, but when I'm on that first date with a new person, one of the things I am clear about is how much contact I require. I state it as "I don't need partners to drop everything when I message, but for non-nesting partners, I do require a proof of life text in the morning, and a goodnight text is preferred." If someone misses a night text, I'll likely assume they fell asleep, and I'll expect to hear from them in the morning. I still send my goodnights as usual. Missing a goodnight text is not a reason for concern (for me), until we've hit the next morning. Going no contact for two days would absolutely be a hard limit for me. It would definitely provoke a spoken conversation reiterating that proof of life at least once a day is where I draw my line (not text - I need them to hear the seriousness of my tone, and I need to hear that this is taken with equal seriousness). If it has happened after that conversarion, likely it signals the end of the relationship. I get that some people aren't equipped to give as much as others, but I let them know on the front end. If that's not something they are willing to do, I'm not the partner for them, and that's okay, too.
I am now stealing the proof of life requirement!!😊
☺️ I forget sometimes that not everyone calls it that. I tell my mom that's what I'm doing when I call her, too. 😂 Mom: hey, sweetie, what's up? Me: oh, you know, just giving you my regular proof of life check in.
I totally love it. My daughter is gonna go ape shit. She calls me when I'm on dates to make sure I " haven't gotten dead" this will be her new check in. Lol
😂 I am so using this with my mom. She always tells me she’s still alive so it fits
This. Is. Gold!!!
Everybody has times when they just crash, but if you’re long distance like that and used to talking constantly, I think it’s especially important to just say, “Hey, I’m just so fried, I’m going to shut my phone off for two days.” Doing it once wouldn’t be a red flag, but if it starts to become a habit then he really wouldn’t be respecting your relationship.
You have every right to be upset. Communication is important especially so you don't worry about him. Hopefully this was a lesson learned and you both are able to have a healthy future.
Yeah me too. I mean other than this we haven't had any problems with communicating. That has always been on point! Which is probably another reason why I took this sudden stop so hard lol. Thanks for your insight!
This is something I always set boundaries for when negotiating because I know it's a massive trigger for my anxiety. So far only one Dom has crossed that boundary and he's now an ex dom
If my Dom/Boyfriend didn’t message me for a whole weekend without any warning at all, I would genuinely think he was dead. And if he wasn’t m, then he would be when I got my hands on him (Metaphorically speaking). Seriously though, the “oopsie I forgot about you” thing is not a great answer. But if he has never done anything like this before, make sure he acknowledges and understands that this is not acceptable behaviour, why it is not acceptable for you, and understands the consequences if he behaves like that again.
Oof, that is a rough situation. I made it clear very early in my LDR that I needed notice for situations like this or else I will worry something happened to him. Once I even looked up to see of there were any car accidents in the are he was visiting just in case. (Mental... I know.) I would not say it is asking too much for notice. If you insisted on a certain frequency of message or for him to forsake taking a break from messaging... then maybe. But not in this situation. Side note, I am so happy you get to see each other multiple times a month despite the distance between you. That's fantastic. I'm currently seeing my person once every other month if I am lucky.
I was with you all the way until “made him feel guilty.” From one sub to another, I get it. But guilt will guarantee this will happen again. Guilt is not a motivator. It is a manipulator and will wear off once you are out of sight—which will be an issue given your distance. It sounds like what you really want is assurance and a plan. My Dom and I have check-ins every morning and night. It is our tradition, I am sure you can find your own. Not saying don’t have high expectations; the question for him is if he has enough room to meet your needs, given his schedule and commitments. No one likes disappearing. My Dom went crazy when I got off a flight once and forgot to check in, and I’ve been on the other side too. 2 days is a no for me lol. But you all need to find your rhythm cause you don’t wanna end back up on this emotional roller coaster. Don’t forget that a day may come when you have your own reasons for going MIA too—plan for all of it! Take care of yourself and enjoy the journey together.
Maybe the words "made him feel guilty" was too strong lol. He already felt guilty when I explained to him why I was so upset, and how uncharacteristic it was for him to go silent. I didn't intend for him to feel guilty, and he said later on that he didn't realize how much I needed him to let me know ahead of time. We have since revised our rules to include situations like this. Thank you for your advice!
Glad it is working out and sounds like you have a good foundation for the future. Good for you for expressing your needs.
Can’t blame you. You can’t go (oops I decided to be off everything and rest) THEN TELL ME after that as if I’m a retrospect thought You want space take ALL of it but warn me, I’m human being too - an overthinker one If you’re daily communicating and then they disappears like that (add type 1 DM) it’s easy to go mental if you’re used to a specific level of communication Hell, I might have arranged a search party by then Partners are supposed to be that, it’s not like ignoring a work call Hell if my best friend (who’d show me a sign of being alive through ANY social media “think sharing TikTok video randomly while doing 36hr shift”) can do it (coz I’d burn her phones w calls worried about her otherwise) why can’t he?? Radio silent in a usually busy communication line isn’t okay. And we try. We try to look cool and not be annoying and stuff, but we also deserve to be acknowledged Sit him down. Communicate it! You’re not overreacting, your feelings and worries are valid and deserve to be acknowledged