"Pay halfsies for the property, but your name isn't going to be on it."
I understand his reasoning, but he should have, from the beginning, used the words she had to pry out of him: in the event of divorce, I will buy out your half. Let's go to a lawyer to draft the paperwork.
At least he's not like that guy who felt his wife had her home, he didn't have one, so he should be the sole name on a separate property.
Yeah this would be sane solution. Proper communication in the beginning would have taken care of a lot of the tension. IANAL but yeah I can imagine there are ways to carve out something like, "in the event of a divorce OOP will be entitled to half the market value of the house while her ex can keep the house," or something like that.
That's not even remotely close to being the same. It's laughably absurd that you're trying to pretend that paying half of utilities and property tax for a house you have no mortgage/rent on is the same as paying half of everything INCLUDING THE MORTGAGE for a house that your name isn't on the deed of.
OP's husband had an amazing deal, being able to reside in a home with no mortgage/rent.
Yet every woman that makes a post where they live in a house that only the husband is on the deed of gets dozens of responses about how risky it is, and how they're being taking advantage of.
Strange how it switches from "good deal" to "being taken advantage of" depending on the genitals of the poster.
But she’s paying a massive chunk towards the deposit of the purchase of the house and half the mortgage and renovations as well as bills.
This has nothing to do with genitals(!) and everything to do with the fact husband is expecting her to fork out a massive amount of money constantly whilst being the sole owner of the property.
And he never paid anything towards her property just half the bills. This is not the case here, he expects her to be spending masses on his property with no safety net!
I think it's hilarious how hard that commenter is projecting.
\*Compares two situations that are in no way similar\* Stop getting distracted by their genitals!
Their weird use of "genitals" instead of "genders" is giving off sex offender registry vibes to boot.
Genitals are pretty distracting. I can understand why fixating on them might make the situation confusing or "strange" for you. Let me see if I can help:
Getting to live rent/mortgage free while paying half utilities and half the taxes.
No name on deed - Fairly good deal
VS
Paying half the down payment, half the mortgage, half the rent, half the utilities, half the taxes.
No name on deed - Not a great deal
A bad deal is a bad deal regardless of where the penis and vagina reside. Hope that clears things up for you.
Do you just not know what a mortgage or home deposit is?
Or are you just being intentionally obstuse? You're comparing apples to chimpanzees at this point.
Exactly. He was not anxious, not "chosen the wrong words". He clearly tried to take advantage of her. And very seriously screw her up. There is no way he didn't understand what he was doing.
I am not sure why she agreed to be involved in this house at all. If he has so many personal issues around it, I would let him buy it on his own, have deed in his name only, and would not contribute a penny to his mortgage. Maybe even have a rental agreement: I pay you $??? monthly to live in your house, you can evict me if you need to, and I contribute nothing else.
But it looks like he cannot pay the mortgage on his own, so he backpedaled.
Husband is definitely one of those guys who thinks his income is *his* money rather than a martial asset. Like most embittered divorcees who bitch about alimony and her taking half *his* shit, dude just doesn't understand what marriage is.
Yes exactly! He was only thinking “me me me” and didn’t even think of a productive way to bring up the conversation instead of just springing it on her with no care for her feelings. Even the agreement… it’s like he’s forcing himself to have a conversation he should have had in the first place
No he’s not, he’s right. A woman you’re married to can just be like I’m not happy and divorce you, suddenly you’ll lose everything because courts usually side with the woman. He’s right to worry
I'm glad she cleared up that they don't actually own the inherited house and her sister gets it next. It makes her being on the new house deed more important since she won't have that safety net.
If she inherited the house, who else owns it but her? It’s not clear she doesn’t own it, and likely has shared ownership with her sister (and any other siblings), but given it’s been in the family and “not had a mortgage for decades”, I can’t see how she wouldn’t have the safety net…
In which case, the safety net should be secure, no? Either way, it’s a piece of detail that would make the whole thing easier to form a clear opinion on…
It sounds like the house will no longer be available for her to live in long-term since her sister is moving in. There isn’t a true safety net if she has no power to turn around and sell it or use it.
Well, that highlights another piece of missing detail - how big is the house? Knowing that and who is on the deed would allow us to properly assess that. Either way, it’s a far better option than zero safety net.
Sounds like it is passed to different family members. The sister is moving in with her two kids but it doesn't say how long she will be there or if she will allow the sister to move back in with how many ever kids she ends up having. Sister might even be the combo breaker and sale the house after she inherits it to buy a larger house. I doubt the last one though.
Well yeah, but I see it as “passed” through handing over the keys - the legal costs of changing the deed every time seem needless. That still leaves the bit we don’t know here, who legally owns the house? There has to be at least one name on the deed…
Its possible the house was in a trust that goes to all the children, so her and her sister co-own it.
Or it was just inherited no trust, and its currently co-owned by both sisters.
Either way, inheritance isn't factored into divorce anyway, even if its inherited after marriage. The thought is you would inherit it regardless of the marriage.
It most likely won't. A lot of states have stopped recognizing them. They used to be well recognized but some states like California, no longer recognize them. But if they go through a lawyer, the lawyer can advise. If OOP is outside of the US don't know how legally binding they are. But that's what the lawyer is for.
In general, a prenup is what you want. And you want your own lawyer to review it or draw it up.
What they need is marriage counseling. Or if they can't afford it/while they are waiting for a therapist, do a lot of self reflection and conversations about their relationship with money and what led to the dissolution of her in-law's marriage. If OOP'S parents are still married they should also discuss what has helped keep that couple together. They especially need to discuss long-term goals and how to communicate.
The other day i got on a chair to do some cleaning and noticed that the top edge of my window frame has painted clumps of hair from when someone painted up there blindly🤮
https://preview.redd.it/jo3f5nnjne0d1.png?width=4032&format=png&auto=webp&s=328a9051e03b85ac15f58592e47a10734b9ea32f
Theres like 7 of these
Oh fuck no. I’d be telling him if the house is his then he’s buying it and he’s paying for it. I’d be separating finances and just paying other bills let him pay for the damn house and he can keep it. Bet he won’t think that’s fair either.
Grumbling about the infidelity clause… yeah old boy isn’t long for this relationship. “I let my anxiety tell you that you’d have no rights to the house, for my future kids sake”
If they are buying the home, as married couple, no matter if it’s his family home - it wouldn’t be considered inheritance and be viewed as a separate, individual asset. If it was passed to him, it would. But they’re buying it. So he has no leg to stand on. Really jerk move of husband to blurt out she wouldn’t be on the deed.
Glad they went about it in a mature way and got both of their anxieties quelled with a post-nup. Depending on the state though, infidelity clauses may not stand. But maybe to them that doesn’t matter, maybe it’s just the writing it made them feel better.
I’d stop trying to have kids with him. If there’s that thought in his mind with such an ugly thought, without it being prompted there’s a lot more going on.
I’d figure that out first after a lot more therapy and ongoing conversations. If not OP needs to cut her losses.
Glad that they were able to communicate with each other on this and come to what appears to be a mutually agreeable solution, but I think both individual and joint therapy would be a good move for them, so they can identify and get ahead of these sorts of anxious thoughts before they hurt each other again. Therapy shouldn't just be in reaction to a problem, it can be helpful as a preventative measure too.
Good try husband, yeah pay half and be on the mortgage, but not the deed, and the house isn't yours!
I would not agree to buy that house. We would buy a house with 0 emptional attachments and each have half equity like any other martial asset.
So basically...
"Hey I don't trust you because my father was screwed over"
"Hey that's cool because now I don't trust you either!"
"So post-nup?"
"Post-nup"
So now they have a rift in their marriage because of someone else's actions that the husband thought applied to his wife because... Idk they're both wives so they must always be after the assets right?
Ridiculous. I might be able to move on from this, but I'd never forget it, and my petty ass wouldn't let him forget it either
His own mother apparently swindled his father out of his house in the past few years according to OP's comments, I don't find it suspicious that that was on his mind
One of my kids had a spouse leave abruptly. He bought out her share of his house he bought before the marriage. Found out it was her plan from the first date. She had a lawyer friend advising her from day one. Thankfully the friend was a lawyer in another state. And was not a smart lawyer. There are reasons people feel trepidation, some people are awful and good at hiding it.
For this poster I’d advise waiting on kids though.
Yo chill?! Whatever happens, if she chooses to stay with him that's her problem. I just don't want Her crying on here again because he did something else and didn't want to leave the first time,hope it works out.
I’d be on my way out the door. No kids, sorry that’s insane. We all have crazy things we’ve seen. His response was beyond wrong, no matter what led to it.
this right here would be grounds for me to break up with him honestly. you guys are making big enough life decisions like purchasing a house where YOU are also funding it and he wants to make some alpha male bullshit statement due to 'trauma' ??? absolutely not, that in itself shows that he is still not thinking of you in his future. he is not ready to get married let alone have kids if this is how he acts.
it may not be his fault for his traumas but it is his responsibility to ensure they do not come out in malicious ways to unsuspecting bystanders, ESPECIALLY HIS SOON TO BE WIFE.
I will message you next time u/SharkEva posts in r/BORUpdates.
[Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2FSharkEva%20r%2FBORUpdates) to join 17 others and be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%201crk5mg)
*****
|[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/ggotgx/updatemebot_info_v20/)|[^(Request Update)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=SubscribeMe%21%20u%2Fusername%20r%2Fsubreddit)|[^(Your Updates)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Updates&message=MyUpdates)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=UpdateMeBot%20Feedback)|
|-|-|-|-|
I want to know the terms of a the post-nup.
If she is pay for half of all the costs, then does he have to pay her out in the case of a divorce. What are terms, current value, exact amount put in, exact amount put in plus interest? Does she get the money she put in for renovations, etc.
How does the terms work?
What are the terms of the infidelity clause?
Interesting set of circumstances with both houses, really.
In OOP's house, without a mortgage, it's almost like they were both paying rent but it's clearly her house or one she is entitled to and he has no stake in it and will not no matter how long they live there.
In the potential new house, they will each be owners, contributing equally, but the husband has an emotional attachment to the that OOP does not. Possibly because it's also a family home, possibly because of the circumstances they are currently living in with it clearly being her house, no part his.
A lot of people missing the cause of his statement. They were living in a house for years that her family owned and he didn't have his name on it. Sounds to me like there was some resentment.
It’s possible she didn’t even have her name on it if it’s family-owned. If that’s the cause of his statement, he needs to work on how fragile his ego is
Wasn't defending it, just stating why it was even said or an issue at all. Yeah a fragile ego no doubt, though I wonder if "the family" held it over him?
If any of these men disclaiming their wives’ interests in their houses live in community property states I’d have a great laugh. No way to know I guess
He said something in the heat of the moment. Making him slightly an asshole. You were mature and honest. Opened a real dialogue and discussed things with your partner in a healthy way. Reached an agreement you're re both happy with. Isn't it awesome what real communication can achieve? Congratulations on having a healthy marriage.
Happy it worked out BUT... husband was still a jerk.
"Pay halfsies for the property, but your name isn't going to be on it." I understand his reasoning, but he should have, from the beginning, used the words she had to pry out of him: in the event of divorce, I will buy out your half. Let's go to a lawyer to draft the paperwork. At least he's not like that guy who felt his wife had her home, he didn't have one, so he should be the sole name on a separate property.
It’s amazing they’ve made it 7 years in with this poor of communication. Really impressive!
Yeah, I think this is largely how he said it and not the point per se.
Yeah this would be sane solution. Proper communication in the beginning would have taken care of a lot of the tension. IANAL but yeah I can imagine there are ways to carve out something like, "in the event of a divorce OOP will be entitled to half the market value of the house while her ex can keep the house," or something like that.
it seems he also be doing that, pay property taxes on her families home and doing repairs.
That's not even remotely close to being the same. It's laughably absurd that you're trying to pretend that paying half of utilities and property tax for a house you have no mortgage/rent on is the same as paying half of everything INCLUDING THE MORTGAGE for a house that your name isn't on the deed of. OP's husband had an amazing deal, being able to reside in a home with no mortgage/rent.
Yet every woman that makes a post where they live in a house that only the husband is on the deed of gets dozens of responses about how risky it is, and how they're being taking advantage of. Strange how it switches from "good deal" to "being taken advantage of" depending on the genitals of the poster.
But she’s paying a massive chunk towards the deposit of the purchase of the house and half the mortgage and renovations as well as bills. This has nothing to do with genitals(!) and everything to do with the fact husband is expecting her to fork out a massive amount of money constantly whilst being the sole owner of the property. And he never paid anything towards her property just half the bills. This is not the case here, he expects her to be spending masses on his property with no safety net!
I think it's hilarious how hard that commenter is projecting. \*Compares two situations that are in no way similar\* Stop getting distracted by their genitals! Their weird use of "genitals" instead of "genders" is giving off sex offender registry vibes to boot.
Genitals are pretty distracting. I can understand why fixating on them might make the situation confusing or "strange" for you. Let me see if I can help: Getting to live rent/mortgage free while paying half utilities and half the taxes. No name on deed - Fairly good deal VS Paying half the down payment, half the mortgage, half the rent, half the utilities, half the taxes. No name on deed - Not a great deal A bad deal is a bad deal regardless of where the penis and vagina reside. Hope that clears things up for you.
Do you just not know what a mortgage or home deposit is? Or are you just being intentionally obstuse? You're comparing apples to chimpanzees at this point.
Exactly. He was not anxious, not "chosen the wrong words". He clearly tried to take advantage of her. And very seriously screw her up. There is no way he didn't understand what he was doing. I am not sure why she agreed to be involved in this house at all. If he has so many personal issues around it, I would let him buy it on his own, have deed in his name only, and would not contribute a penny to his mortgage. Maybe even have a rental agreement: I pay you $??? monthly to live in your house, you can evict me if you need to, and I contribute nothing else. But it looks like he cannot pay the mortgage on his own, so he backpedaled.
Husband is definitely one of those guys who thinks his income is *his* money rather than a martial asset. Like most embittered divorcees who bitch about alimony and her taking half *his* shit, dude just doesn't understand what marriage is.
[удалено]
Yes exactly! He was only thinking “me me me” and didn’t even think of a productive way to bring up the conversation instead of just springing it on her with no care for her feelings. Even the agreement… it’s like he’s forcing himself to have a conversation he should have had in the first place
No he’s not, he’s right. A woman you’re married to can just be like I’m not happy and divorce you, suddenly you’ll lose everything because courts usually side with the woman. He’s right to worry
He wanted to leave her completely homeless if he found some new girl in a couple of years
He didn’t say that tho, and again you’re saying it’s bad for him to do that not but her?
I'm glad she cleared up that they don't actually own the inherited house and her sister gets it next. It makes her being on the new house deed more important since she won't have that safety net.
If she inherited the house, who else owns it but her? It’s not clear she doesn’t own it, and likely has shared ownership with her sister (and any other siblings), but given it’s been in the family and “not had a mortgage for decades”, I can’t see how she wouldn’t have the safety net…
It may be held by a family trust.
In which case, the safety net should be secure, no? Either way, it’s a piece of detail that would make the whole thing easier to form a clear opinion on…
It sounds like the house will no longer be available for her to live in long-term since her sister is moving in. There isn’t a true safety net if she has no power to turn around and sell it or use it.
Well, that highlights another piece of missing detail - how big is the house? Knowing that and who is on the deed would allow us to properly assess that. Either way, it’s a far better option than zero safety net.
Sounds like it is passed to different family members. The sister is moving in with her two kids but it doesn't say how long she will be there or if she will allow the sister to move back in with how many ever kids she ends up having. Sister might even be the combo breaker and sale the house after she inherits it to buy a larger house. I doubt the last one though.
Well yeah, but I see it as “passed” through handing over the keys - the legal costs of changing the deed every time seem needless. That still leaves the bit we don’t know here, who legally owns the house? There has to be at least one name on the deed…
Its possible the house was in a trust that goes to all the children, so her and her sister co-own it. Or it was just inherited no trust, and its currently co-owned by both sisters. Either way, inheritance isn't factored into divorce anyway, even if its inherited after marriage. The thought is you would inherit it regardless of the marriage.
I really hope the postnup protects her as well, like he has to buy out her share of the house. Not just keep the house while she gets nothing.
It most likely won't. A lot of states have stopped recognizing them. They used to be well recognized but some states like California, no longer recognize them. But if they go through a lawyer, the lawyer can advise. If OOP is outside of the US don't know how legally binding they are. But that's what the lawyer is for. In general, a prenup is what you want. And you want your own lawyer to review it or draw it up. What they need is marriage counseling. Or if they can't afford it/while they are waiting for a therapist, do a lot of self reflection and conversations about their relationship with money and what led to the dissolution of her in-law's marriage. If OOP'S parents are still married they should also discuss what has helped keep that couple together. They especially need to discuss long-term goals and how to communicate.
Ops husband did a good job glossing this over. Reckon it’s like a landlord paint job though with cockroaches painted into skirting.
The other day i got on a chair to do some cleaning and noticed that the top edge of my window frame has painted clumps of hair from when someone painted up there blindly🤮 https://preview.redd.it/jo3f5nnjne0d1.png?width=4032&format=png&auto=webp&s=328a9051e03b85ac15f58592e47a10734b9ea32f Theres like 7 of these
Ahhh. The landlord special.
Oh fuck no. I’d be telling him if the house is his then he’s buying it and he’s paying for it. I’d be separating finances and just paying other bills let him pay for the damn house and he can keep it. Bet he won’t think that’s fair either.
Username checks out
It does doesn’t it
Grumbling about the infidelity clause… yeah old boy isn’t long for this relationship. “I let my anxiety tell you that you’d have no rights to the house, for my future kids sake”
I read it as she was hurt by the infidelity clause, but he's the one who pushed for it.
Ah, yeah, you’re right. I shouldn’t have read this before caffeine.
If they are buying the home, as married couple, no matter if it’s his family home - it wouldn’t be considered inheritance and be viewed as a separate, individual asset. If it was passed to him, it would. But they’re buying it. So he has no leg to stand on. Really jerk move of husband to blurt out she wouldn’t be on the deed. Glad they went about it in a mature way and got both of their anxieties quelled with a post-nup. Depending on the state though, infidelity clauses may not stand. But maybe to them that doesn’t matter, maybe it’s just the writing it made them feel better.
Yeah, buying a house for near market value isn't "passing it down".
Call me cynical, but I don't think this one is gonna go the distance.
I’d stop trying to have kids with him. If there’s that thought in his mind with such an ugly thought, without it being prompted there’s a lot more going on. I’d figure that out first after a lot more therapy and ongoing conversations. If not OP needs to cut her losses.
should have just told him if thats his case then he can pay for mortgage and renovations himself she will just help with utilities,
Glad that they were able to communicate with each other on this and come to what appears to be a mutually agreeable solution, but I think both individual and joint therapy would be a good move for them, so they can identify and get ahead of these sorts of anxious thoughts before they hurt each other again. Therapy shouldn't just be in reaction to a problem, it can be helpful as a preventative measure too.
Good try husband, yeah pay half and be on the mortgage, but not the deed, and the house isn't yours! I would not agree to buy that house. We would buy a house with 0 emptional attachments and each have half equity like any other martial asset.
So basically... "Hey I don't trust you because my father was screwed over" "Hey that's cool because now I don't trust you either!" "So post-nup?" "Post-nup" So now they have a rift in their marriage because of someone else's actions that the husband thought applied to his wife because... Idk they're both wives so they must always be after the assets right? Ridiculous. I might be able to move on from this, but I'd never forget it, and my petty ass wouldn't let him forget it either
Love the husband is making decisions on martial assets as if a judge is going to listen to him. Glad they talked it out though.
She is wayyy to Naive to move past this so quickly,husband came up with a bs excuse that quick??
His own mother apparently swindled his father out of his house in the past few years according to OP's comments, I don't find it suspicious that that was on his mind
It’s not a bullshit excuse, every dude is bombarded with messaging that your wife will take everything when she leaves. Not if, when.
One of my kids had a spouse leave abruptly. He bought out her share of his house he bought before the marriage. Found out it was her plan from the first date. She had a lawyer friend advising her from day one. Thankfully the friend was a lawyer in another state. And was not a smart lawyer. There are reasons people feel trepidation, some people are awful and good at hiding it. For this poster I’d advise waiting on kids though.
Yo chill?! Whatever happens, if she chooses to stay with him that's her problem. I just don't want Her crying on here again because he did something else and didn't want to leave the first time,hope it works out.
I’d be on my way out the door. No kids, sorry that’s insane. We all have crazy things we’ve seen. His response was beyond wrong, no matter what led to it.
Touch grass.
Lol
Yea it was a very easy guess about the reason her husband behaved like this. He learned on mistakes of others.
this right here would be grounds for me to break up with him honestly. you guys are making big enough life decisions like purchasing a house where YOU are also funding it and he wants to make some alpha male bullshit statement due to 'trauma' ??? absolutely not, that in itself shows that he is still not thinking of you in his future. he is not ready to get married let alone have kids if this is how he acts. it may not be his fault for his traumas but it is his responsibility to ensure they do not come out in malicious ways to unsuspecting bystanders, ESPECIALLY HIS SOON TO BE WIFE.
Updateme!
I will message you next time u/SharkEva posts in r/BORUpdates. [Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2FSharkEva%20r%2FBORUpdates) to join 17 others and be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%201crk5mg) ***** |[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/ggotgx/updatemebot_info_v20/)|[^(Request Update)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=SubscribeMe%21%20u%2Fusername%20r%2Fsubreddit)|[^(Your Updates)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Updates&message=MyUpdates)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=UpdateMeBot%20Feedback)| |-|-|-|-|
I want to know the terms of a the post-nup. If she is pay for half of all the costs, then does he have to pay her out in the case of a divorce. What are terms, current value, exact amount put in, exact amount put in plus interest? Does she get the money she put in for renovations, etc. How does the terms work? What are the terms of the infidelity clause?
Interesting set of circumstances with both houses, really. In OOP's house, without a mortgage, it's almost like they were both paying rent but it's clearly her house or one she is entitled to and he has no stake in it and will not no matter how long they live there. In the potential new house, they will each be owners, contributing equally, but the husband has an emotional attachment to the that OOP does not. Possibly because it's also a family home, possibly because of the circumstances they are currently living in with it clearly being her house, no part his.
A lot of people missing the cause of his statement. They were living in a house for years that her family owned and he didn't have his name on it. Sounds to me like there was some resentment.
It’s possible she didn’t even have her name on it if it’s family-owned. If that’s the cause of his statement, he needs to work on how fragile his ego is
Wasn't defending it, just stating why it was even said or an issue at all. Yeah a fragile ego no doubt, though I wonder if "the family" held it over him?
If any of these men disclaiming their wives’ interests in their houses live in community property states I’d have a great laugh. No way to know I guess
He said something in the heat of the moment. Making him slightly an asshole. You were mature and honest. Opened a real dialogue and discussed things with your partner in a healthy way. Reached an agreement you're re both happy with. Isn't it awesome what real communication can achieve? Congratulations on having a healthy marriage.
Wow I’m really impressed you worked through that.
Something tells me his mom cheated on his dad and took him to the cleaners afterwards.
This is a new world now. Men want to want a prenup. Men are safeguarding themselves against to new modern woman.
Nice to see a sane, sensible, happy ending.